WEBVTT
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You should require obedience from your children.
00:00:36.259 --> 00:00:53.620
This is going to sound self-serving or self-justifying, but part of your job as a dad is to teach your kids what the Bible says, to teach them to do what God is telling them to do, to teach them to obey all that He has commanded.
00:00:53.700 --> 00:00:55.939
This is not just the great commission, broadly speaking.
00:00:56.019 --> 00:01:00.820
This is part of our responsibility as parents, is to pass on the word to the next generation.
00:01:01.060 --> 00:01:08.420
And part of that word includes things like this: children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
00:01:08.579 --> 00:01:13.939
Honor your father and mother, that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land.
00:01:14.180 --> 00:01:19.539
Also, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline instruction of the Lord.
00:01:19.700 --> 00:01:26.740
Part of my job as a dad is to teach my kids to obey me, to discipline them such that they obey me.
00:01:26.900 --> 00:01:29.219
Now, discipline is training.
00:01:29.379 --> 00:01:31.620
It's not just saying, it's not just telling.
00:01:31.700 --> 00:01:33.379
You know, teaching is not the same as telling.
00:01:33.539 --> 00:01:35.219
If it was, everyone would be a lot smarter.
00:01:35.379 --> 00:01:40.580
So it's not just telling them, but it's teaching, which requires developmental creativity.
00:01:40.819 --> 00:01:45.460
But I need to require and help them obey the Lord, right?
00:01:45.620 --> 00:01:49.939
When the Bible says, love your neighbor, I'm teaching my kids to love each other.
00:01:50.099 --> 00:01:52.900
How do I love uh the kid at school who's annoying?
00:01:52.979 --> 00:01:53.939
How do I love my sister?
00:01:54.099 --> 00:01:55.300
How do I be kind?
00:01:55.460 --> 00:01:59.219
How do so I'm I'm reinforcing to them, here's how you obey that.
00:01:59.379 --> 00:02:01.219
When you struggle to obey that, here's what you do.
00:02:01.300 --> 00:02:08.900
And so part of my job is to teach them to obey and hold them to that standard that they would be obeying their parents.
00:02:09.060 --> 00:02:11.219
And so here's some of what that looks like.
00:02:11.379 --> 00:02:14.259
So, you know, my kids are playing in the playroom.
00:02:14.419 --> 00:02:16.979
I hear my wife say, time to clean up.
00:02:17.219 --> 00:02:18.419
They go on ignoring her.
00:02:18.659 --> 00:02:21.060
Part of my job as the ruler of the household, right?
00:02:21.139 --> 00:02:23.300
So Titus chapter two talks about husbands.
00:02:23.460 --> 00:02:25.300
Uh, so it's talking about the qualifications of an elder.
00:02:25.379 --> 00:02:30.580
And it says, if a man does not manage his own household, how can he manage the church of God?
00:02:30.740 --> 00:02:35.620
But the word manage, I think, is best translated as to rule, that it's to lead.
00:02:35.699 --> 00:02:41.939
It's not just like middle management, but it's rulership, that I'm called to be the ruler of my household.
00:02:42.019 --> 00:02:44.819
And I want that rule to be congruent with the rule of Christ.
00:02:44.979 --> 00:02:45.939
I want to lead like Christ.
00:02:46.019 --> 00:02:55.699
I want to rule like some dictator, but I want to rule like Christ, which is warm, patient, congruent with the fruit of the Spirit, but it is my job to rule.
00:02:55.859 --> 00:03:02.900
And so part of my job is to make my kids listen to my wife, to cause my kids to respect my wife.
00:03:03.060 --> 00:03:09.620
And so some of that also comes from Genesis 2, that God put Adam in the garden to serve and protect or work and keep his garden.
00:03:09.699 --> 00:03:15.299
And so my household is mine to serve and work and keep and protect.
00:03:15.539 --> 00:03:22.819
And so when my kids ignore or disrespect my wife, that is the swiftest to discipline instinct that I have.
00:03:22.979 --> 00:03:25.299
That when I will remove them from the moment.
00:03:25.620 --> 00:03:28.259
So practically speaking, my wife says, time to clean up.
00:03:28.340 --> 00:03:29.859
They go on playing, ignoring her.
00:03:30.019 --> 00:03:34.099
Now, I'm not always there to reinforce it, but when I am, this is a dad swoop-in moment.
00:03:34.180 --> 00:03:35.780
So my wife and I on the same page of this.
00:03:35.859 --> 00:03:41.620
Sometimes it feels like if I cut in, I'm reinforcing disrespect to my wife, saying she's not capable of parenting.
00:03:41.780 --> 00:03:49.539
But there are times when I, as a dad, want to, with some aggression, cause my kids to respect.
00:03:49.699 --> 00:03:57.219
Another word for respect is fear the Lord and thus the authority that's proximate, which is my wife under my leadership of the home.
00:03:57.379 --> 00:04:08.099
And so I swoop in, I get on their level, I have them face me, and I say, when your mother speaks to you, you stop what you're doing and you look at her.
00:04:09.219 --> 00:04:13.539
And it's a pause, it's a calm, I'm not elevated, but I am stern.
00:04:13.699 --> 00:04:18.819
When your mother asks you to do something, you had better not ignore her like she didn't speak.
00:04:20.420 --> 00:04:21.780
Do you understand what I'm saying?
00:04:22.259 --> 00:04:25.379
Okay, if you understand what I'm saying, say yes, dad.
00:04:25.620 --> 00:04:28.340
Okay, no, say yes, dad.
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Yes, dad.
00:04:29.379 --> 00:04:32.420
Now look at your mom in the eye and say, I'm sorry for ignoring you.
00:04:32.500 --> 00:04:33.540
I'm sorry for ignoring you.
00:04:33.699 --> 00:04:35.300
Now, what did she ask you to do?
00:04:35.459 --> 00:04:37.220
Oh, you don't remember because you weren't listening.
00:04:37.459 --> 00:04:38.819
Say, I'm sorry I wasn't listening.
00:04:38.900 --> 00:04:39.699
Can you tell me again?
00:04:39.860 --> 00:04:40.900
I'm sorry I wasn't listening.
00:04:41.060 --> 00:04:41.860
Can you tell me again?
00:04:42.019 --> 00:04:43.300
I said, time to clean up.
00:04:43.459 --> 00:04:44.420
It's time for dinner.
00:04:44.579 --> 00:04:46.660
Okay, kids, let's clean up together.
00:04:46.819 --> 00:04:47.540
Let me help you.
00:04:47.699 --> 00:04:53.219
So I take the toys out of their hands and I put them in the bucket and say, now let's do the rest together.
00:04:53.300 --> 00:04:56.819
And so I'm trying to teach them, here is how you obey.
00:04:56.899 --> 00:04:58.980
I'm modeling for you how to obey.
00:04:59.060 --> 00:05:01.939
Let me show you what the right response to what mom just said is.
00:05:02.019 --> 00:05:08.420
So I'm not just saying clean up and yelling down from the hall, but depending on age, so my kids are six and four.
00:05:08.500 --> 00:05:10.259
This is kind of works for five and three as well.
00:05:10.500 --> 00:05:14.339
I'm present, modeling for them, showing here is how we obey.
00:05:14.420 --> 00:05:16.500
We do this, we put this here, we do that, we put that there.
00:05:16.659 --> 00:05:19.459
And if they go on being disrespectful, I take them out of the environment.
00:05:19.620 --> 00:05:20.980
This is a go to timeout.
00:05:21.300 --> 00:05:22.420
I like timeouts.
00:05:22.500 --> 00:05:24.579
I know it's kind of faux pas now to do timeouts.
00:05:24.659 --> 00:05:28.980
I like timeouts because it takes them away from whatever was stimulating their disobedience.
00:05:29.060 --> 00:05:32.339
A lot of times it's all the other things that are more interesting to them than obeying.
00:05:32.500 --> 00:05:34.819
They're more interested in the toy or the person or the thing.
00:05:34.899 --> 00:05:38.659
And so let's get you away from the thing that's inhibiting your disobedience.
00:05:38.819 --> 00:05:43.860
Go to timeout, and I go with them in a timeout and I talk through here's what you did wrong.
00:05:44.019 --> 00:05:45.620
Let's go back and let's try again.
00:05:45.860 --> 00:05:50.579
So sometimes people say it's not good to send them in timeout because that's saying you're going away, you're sending them away from you.
00:05:50.740 --> 00:05:55.219
No, I'm sending them away from the thing that was tempting them to sin by disobeying their mom.
00:05:55.379 --> 00:05:57.139
And I'm then I go with them into the timeout.
00:05:57.300 --> 00:06:02.899
Maybe they go in there for 30 seconds to cool off, but then I go, I go to them in the timeout, we talk through it together.
00:06:03.060 --> 00:06:09.300
But it's my job as a dad to require that my kids respect and listen to my mom, to their to their mom.
00:06:09.459 --> 00:06:11.139
I guess my mom when grandma's around too.
00:06:11.300 --> 00:06:12.659
You respect and listen to grandma.
00:06:12.819 --> 00:06:15.139
But they're listening to mom, they're respectful, they're kind.
00:06:15.219 --> 00:06:19.060
Because I'm not just teaching them in those moments how to listen to their mom.
00:06:19.219 --> 00:06:22.339
I'm also teaching them how to listen to and respect authority, generally speaking.
00:06:22.500 --> 00:06:26.740
Teachers, uh, Bible study leaders, uh, future pastors are going to be under.
00:06:26.819 --> 00:06:31.379
That it's you you respect by you, you stop and you listen and you orient and you turn.
00:06:31.540 --> 00:06:41.300
And so I do think a lot of this kind of licentious, gentle parenting, where you're not really getting on their level and engaging with them and teaching them how to obey this, right?
00:06:41.379 --> 00:06:43.939
Hey, like this, as you have teenagers, another way of doing this.
00:06:44.019 --> 00:06:45.620
You know, like, hey, let's put our phones down.
00:06:45.699 --> 00:06:46.899
Let's treat our phones like a landline.
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Kid goes on texting.
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Hey, sometimes you have to break the line of sight.
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Say, hey, your mother's talking to you.
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Did you hear what she said?
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Well, I'm still doing this.
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No, try again.
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What you can say is, hey, mom, can I finish this text message?
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Can I have one more minute?
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Try it like that.
00:07:01.379 --> 00:07:02.339
Hey, mom, can I?
00:07:02.579 --> 00:07:03.219
Yes, that's okay.
00:07:03.300 --> 00:07:05.139
So you're teaching them, try again.
00:07:05.219 --> 00:07:06.019
Don't say it like that.
00:07:06.099 --> 00:07:06.899
That was disrespectful.
00:07:07.060 --> 00:07:07.860
That was respectful.
00:07:07.939 --> 00:07:16.019
And so you're not just shutting down all negotiation, but you're trying to age appropriately develop, hey, instead of saying this, you could say this.
00:07:16.099 --> 00:07:17.300
Why don't you try again?
00:07:17.459 --> 00:07:19.459
Okay, nope, you're not speaking to my wife like that.
00:07:19.540 --> 00:07:20.819
You speak to my wife like that again.
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Here's the consequence: no more phone for the next 48 hours.
00:07:24.500 --> 00:07:27.300
Would you like to try again, or would you like to not have your phone for the next four hours?
00:07:27.379 --> 00:07:29.860
So you're still giving choices where you're able.
00:07:30.019 --> 00:07:36.099
And so we want to reinforce and help model for them that when they're not sure how to obey, here's what obedience looks like.
00:07:36.259 --> 00:07:42.259
And so that's part of the teaching is uh prompting and giving examples of what obedience would look like.
00:07:42.420 --> 00:07:44.180
At every different age, that's different.
00:07:44.259 --> 00:07:57.300
But it's my job as a dad to require and hold the standard that they obey and listen to their parents, chiefly their mom, who's the more proximate parent, especially as the kids are younger, but then also with me.
00:07:57.379 --> 00:08:01.860
And this is not about yelling and screaming and throwing a fit and being dysregulated as a dad.
00:08:01.939 --> 00:08:09.620
This is about calm, direct, teaching, disciplinary words that help them see what obedience might look like and help them see that it's possible.
00:08:09.699 --> 00:08:12.180
Because sometimes for little minds, obedience feels impossible.
00:08:12.339 --> 00:08:15.779
How could I possibly put down the lightsaber when I'm having a lightsaber fight?
00:08:15.860 --> 00:08:16.579
It feels impossible.
00:08:16.659 --> 00:08:17.779
Here, let me show you how to do this.
00:08:17.860 --> 00:08:18.500
You can do this.
00:08:18.659 --> 00:08:20.339
And so I'm showing them the possibility of it.
00:08:20.420 --> 00:08:28.740
And so require obedience of your children, require that your kids respect their mothers and be a calm, present, but stern dad as you need to be.
00:00:32.100 --> 00:00:36.020
You should require obedience from your children.
00:00:36.259 --> 00:00:53.620
This is going to sound self-serving or self-justifying, but part of your job as a dad is to teach your kids what the Bible says, to teach them to do what God is telling them to do, to teach them to obey all that He has commanded.
00:00:53.700 --> 00:00:55.939
This is not just the great commission, broadly speaking.
00:00:56.019 --> 00:01:00.820
This is part of our responsibility as parents, is to pass on the word to the next generation.
00:01:01.060 --> 00:01:08.420
And part of that word includes things like this: children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
00:01:08.579 --> 00:01:13.939
Honor your father and mother, that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land.
00:01:14.180 --> 00:01:19.539
Also, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline instruction of the Lord.
00:01:19.700 --> 00:01:26.740
Part of my job as a dad is to teach my kids to obey me, to discipline them such that they obey me.
00:01:26.900 --> 00:01:29.219
Now, discipline is training.
00:01:29.379 --> 00:01:31.620
It's not just saying, it's not just telling.
00:01:31.700 --> 00:01:33.379
You know, teaching is not the same as telling.
00:01:33.539 --> 00:01:35.219
If it was, everyone would be a lot smarter.
00:01:35.379 --> 00:01:40.580
So it's not just telling them, but it's teaching, which requires developmental creativity.
00:01:40.819 --> 00:01:45.460
But I need to require and help them obey the Lord, right?
00:01:45.620 --> 00:01:49.939
When the Bible says, love your neighbor, I'm teaching my kids to love each other.
00:01:50.099 --> 00:01:52.900
How do I love uh the kid at school who's annoying?
00:01:52.979 --> 00:01:53.939
How do I love my sister?
00:01:54.099 --> 00:01:55.300
How do I be kind?
00:01:55.460 --> 00:01:59.219
How do so I'm I'm reinforcing to them, here's how you obey that.
00:01:59.379 --> 00:02:01.219
When you struggle to obey that, here's what you do.
00:02:01.300 --> 00:02:08.900
And so part of my job is to teach them to obey and hold them to that standard that they would be obeying their parents.
00:02:09.060 --> 00:02:11.219
And so here's some of what that looks like.
00:02:11.379 --> 00:02:14.259
So, you know, my kids are playing in the playroom.
00:02:14.419 --> 00:02:16.979
I hear my wife say, time to clean up.
00:02:17.219 --> 00:02:18.419
They go on ignoring her.
00:02:18.659 --> 00:02:21.060
Part of my job as the ruler of the household, right?
00:02:21.139 --> 00:02:23.300
So Titus chapter two talks about husbands.
00:02:23.460 --> 00:02:25.300
Uh, so it's talking about the qualifications of an elder.
00:02:25.379 --> 00:02:30.580
And it says, if a man does not manage his own household, how can he manage the church of God?
00:02:30.740 --> 00:02:35.620
But the word manage, I think, is best translated as to rule, that it's to lead.
00:02:35.699 --> 00:02:41.939
It's not just like middle management, but it's rulership, that I'm called to be the ruler of my household.
00:02:42.019 --> 00:02:44.819
And I want that rule to be congruent with the rule of Christ.
00:02:44.979 --> 00:02:45.939
I want to lead like Christ.
00:02:46.019 --> 00:02:55.699
I want to rule like some dictator, but I want to rule like Christ, which is warm, patient, congruent with the fruit of the Spirit, but it is my job to rule.
00:02:55.859 --> 00:03:02.900
And so part of my job is to make my kids listen to my wife, to cause my kids to respect my wife.
00:03:03.060 --> 00:03:09.620
And so some of that also comes from Genesis 2, that God put Adam in the garden to serve and protect or work and keep his garden.
00:03:09.699 --> 00:03:15.299
And so my household is mine to serve and work and keep and protect.
00:03:15.539 --> 00:03:22.819
And so when my kids ignore or disrespect my wife, that is the swiftest to discipline instinct that I have.
00:03:22.979 --> 00:03:25.299
That when I will remove them from the moment.
00:03:25.620 --> 00:03:28.259
So practically speaking, my wife says, time to clean up.
00:03:28.340 --> 00:03:29.859
They go on playing, ignoring her.
00:03:30.019 --> 00:03:34.099
Now, I'm not always there to reinforce it, but when I am, this is a dad swoop-in moment.
00:03:34.180 --> 00:03:35.780
So my wife and I on the same page of this.
00:03:35.859 --> 00:03:41.620
Sometimes it feels like if I cut in, I'm reinforcing disrespect to my wife, saying she's not capable of parenting.
00:03:41.780 --> 00:03:49.539
But there are times when I, as a dad, want to, with some aggression, cause my kids to respect.
00:03:49.699 --> 00:03:57.219
Another word for respect is fear the Lord and thus the authority that's proximate, which is my wife under my leadership of the home.
00:03:57.379 --> 00:04:08.099
And so I swoop in, I get on their level, I have them face me, and I say, when your mother speaks to you, you stop what you're doing and you look at her.
00:04:09.219 --> 00:04:13.539
And it's a pause, it's a calm, I'm not elevated, but I am stern.
00:04:13.699 --> 00:04:18.819
When your mother asks you to do something, you had better not ignore her like she didn't speak.
00:04:20.420 --> 00:04:21.780
Do you understand what I'm saying?
00:04:22.259 --> 00:04:25.379
Okay, if you understand what I'm saying, say yes, dad.
00:04:25.620 --> 00:04:28.340
Okay, no, say yes, dad.
00:04:28.500 --> 00:04:29.300
Yes, dad.
00:04:29.379 --> 00:04:32.420
Now look at your mom in the eye and say, I'm sorry for ignoring you.
00:04:32.500 --> 00:04:33.540
I'm sorry for ignoring you.
00:04:33.699 --> 00:04:35.300
Now, what did she ask you to do?
00:04:35.459 --> 00:04:37.220
Oh, you don't remember because you weren't listening.
00:04:37.459 --> 00:04:38.819
Say, I'm sorry I wasn't listening.
00:04:38.900 --> 00:04:39.699
Can you tell me again?
00:04:39.860 --> 00:04:40.900
I'm sorry I wasn't listening.
00:04:41.060 --> 00:04:41.860
Can you tell me again?
00:04:42.019 --> 00:04:43.300
I said, time to clean up.
00:04:43.459 --> 00:04:44.420
It's time for dinner.
00:04:44.579 --> 00:04:46.660
Okay, kids, let's clean up together.
00:04:46.819 --> 00:04:47.540
Let me help you.
00:04:47.699 --> 00:04:53.219
So I take the toys out of their hands and I put them in the bucket and say, now let's do the rest together.
00:04:53.300 --> 00:04:56.819
And so I'm trying to teach them, here is how you obey.
00:04:56.899 --> 00:04:58.980
I'm modeling for you how to obey.
00:04:59.060 --> 00:05:01.939
Let me show you what the right response to what mom just said is.
00:05:02.019 --> 00:05:08.420
So I'm not just saying clean up and yelling down from the hall, but depending on age, so my kids are six and four.
00:05:08.500 --> 00:05:10.259
This is kind of works for five and three as well.
00:05:10.500 --> 00:05:14.339
I'm present, modeling for them, showing here is how we obey.
00:05:14.420 --> 00:05:16.500
We do this, we put this here, we do that, we put that there.
00:05:16.659 --> 00:05:19.459
And if they go on being disrespectful, I take them out of the environment.
00:05:19.620 --> 00:05:20.980
This is a go to timeout.
00:05:21.300 --> 00:05:22.420
I like timeouts.
00:05:22.500 --> 00:05:24.579
I know it's kind of faux pas now to do timeouts.
00:05:24.659 --> 00:05:28.980
I like timeouts because it takes them away from whatever was stimulating their disobedience.
00:05:29.060 --> 00:05:32.339
A lot of times it's all the other things that are more interesting to them than obeying.
00:05:32.500 --> 00:05:34.819
They're more interested in the toy or the person or the thing.
00:05:34.899 --> 00:05:38.659
And so let's get you away from the thing that's inhibiting your disobedience.
00:05:38.819 --> 00:05:43.860
Go to timeout, and I go with them in a timeout and I talk through here's what you did wrong.
00:05:44.019 --> 00:05:45.620
Let's go back and let's try again.
00:05:45.860 --> 00:05:50.579
So sometimes people say it's not good to send them in timeout because that's saying you're going away, you're sending them away from you.
00:05:50.740 --> 00:05:55.219
No, I'm sending them away from the thing that was tempting them to sin by disobeying their mom.
00:05:55.379 --> 00:05:57.139
And I'm then I go with them into the timeout.
00:05:57.300 --> 00:06:02.899
Maybe they go in there for 30 seconds to cool off, but then I go, I go to them in the timeout, we talk through it together.
00:06:03.060 --> 00:06:09.300
But it's my job as a dad to require that my kids respect and listen to my mom, to their to their mom.
00:06:09.459 --> 00:06:11.139
I guess my mom when grandma's around too.
00:06:11.300 --> 00:06:12.659
You respect and listen to grandma.
00:06:12.819 --> 00:06:15.139
But they're listening to mom, they're respectful, they're kind.
00:06:15.219 --> 00:06:19.060
Because I'm not just teaching them in those moments how to listen to their mom.
00:06:19.219 --> 00:06:22.339
I'm also teaching them how to listen to and respect authority, generally speaking.
00:06:22.500 --> 00:06:26.740
Teachers, uh, Bible study leaders, uh, future pastors are going to be under.
00:06:26.819 --> 00:06:31.379
That it's you you respect by you, you stop and you listen and you orient and you turn.
00:06:31.540 --> 00:06:41.300
And so I do think a lot of this kind of licentious, gentle parenting, where you're not really getting on their level and engaging with them and teaching them how to obey this, right?
00:06:41.379 --> 00:06:43.939
Hey, like this, as you have teenagers, another way of doing this.
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You know, like, hey, let's put our phones down.
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Let's treat our phones like a landline.
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Kid goes on texting.
00:06:48.339 --> 00:06:50.899
Hey, sometimes you have to break the line of sight.
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Say, hey, your mother's talking to you.
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Did you hear what she said?
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Well, I'm still doing this.
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No, try again.
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What you can say is, hey, mom, can I finish this text message?
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Can I have one more minute?
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Try it like that.
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Hey, mom, can I?
00:07:02.579 --> 00:07:03.219
Yes, that's okay.
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So you're teaching them, try again.
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Don't say it like that.
00:07:06.099 --> 00:07:06.899
That was disrespectful.
00:07:07.060 --> 00:07:07.860
That was respectful.
00:07:07.939 --> 00:07:16.019
And so you're not just shutting down all negotiation, but you're trying to age appropriately develop, hey, instead of saying this, you could say this.
00:07:16.099 --> 00:07:17.300
Why don't you try again?
00:07:17.459 --> 00:07:19.459
Okay, nope, you're not speaking to my wife like that.
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You speak to my wife like that again.
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Here's the consequence: no more phone for the next 48 hours.
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Would you like to try again, or would you like to not have your phone for the next four hours?
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So you're still giving choices where you're able.
00:07:30.019 --> 00:07:36.099
And so we want to reinforce and help model for them that when they're not sure how to obey, here's what obedience looks like.
00:07:36.259 --> 00:07:42.259
And so that's part of the teaching is uh prompting and giving examples of what obedience would look like.
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At every different age, that's different.
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But it's my job as a dad to require and hold the standard that they obey and listen to their parents, chiefly their mom, who's the more proximate parent, especially as the kids are younger, but then also with me.
00:07:57.379 --> 00:08:01.860
And this is not about yelling and screaming and throwing a fit and being dysregulated as a dad.
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This is about calm, direct, teaching, disciplinary words that help them see what obedience might look like and help them see that it's possible.
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Because sometimes for little minds, obedience feels impossible.
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How could I possibly put down the lightsaber when I'm having a lightsaber fight?
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It feels impossible.
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Here, let me show you how to do this.
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You can do this.
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And so I'm showing them the possibility of it.
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And so require obedience of your children, require that your kids respect their mothers and be a calm, present, but stern dad as you need to be.
