46. Surrender with teeth

WEBVTT
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Molly Is it You gotta make sure that there's no audio Coming out of your computer
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It's gotta be in the headphones or else there's gonna be a delay,
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Um Sorry No I think it's good I think it's good right now It just was for a second.
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Is it okay because my charger is plugged in.
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Could be,
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I think it's good.
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Hey okay yep there's no feedback now so that's good.
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Yeah i think we're good it's okay okay.
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Yeah just don't move a.
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Muscle oh wait there it is oh there's there's the feedback again.
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Well i i.
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Can't even are you wearing headphones molly.
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Yeah i am i got like maybe i should have asked you guys i just ordered some
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okay what if wait okay i'm plugging my charger Does that work?
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I have no idea. Oh, no way to hear it is I'm twisting this little headphone thing.
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Let me try some.
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I can try some different headphones. Just a second.
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Cool. Okay.
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If the audio is not coming out of her laptop, it doesn't matter what headphones.
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And it's weird that it's only you, Jonathan.
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What do you mean?
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Like when you start talking i hear a delay yeah it's not right now but not not
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right now but i'm saying you're the only one who's triggered it,
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yeah.
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Is this better?
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I think so. I don't...
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It's... I mean, the audio is definitely worse. But...
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But I think it should be fine.
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Yeah, I think it should be all right.
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Oh, my God. I was like, I'm not going to ask them. I can buy my own headphones.
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And now I'm like, I don't...
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No, you're good. I don't know if it's the headphones. It's just...
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It could be a lot of other little things.
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Yeah, there's lots of nuances.
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Is that okay i was like is that old computer or like what yeah.
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No we should be all right.
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These headphones are broken so that's why i didn't want to use them but oh well.
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Uh what do you mean by broken.
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I think one sound is on it's just in my ear one vault actually i think they're fine never mind.
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Okay okay all right and we're back we're live it's,
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time for another episode another oh i can't do it dude i don't have the i don't have it in me.
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Nobody asked you to do it so.
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You're I almost had it. I almost had it, but I didn't quite have it.
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But we do have, I don't have the energy to be ridiculous, not yet.
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Maybe I'll warm up. But what we do have is a guest.
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That's right.
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Yep.
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We're back with another one. And this is another one. Another one.
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Okay, I'm sorry. I had to.
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Um this is i we probably say this about every single guest but this is a really
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special guest we don't have special people in our program but we do have special
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guests on the podcast because,
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we are we're a podcast and we do whatever the hell we want uh,
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would you like to introduce yourself wait actually don't because i am pasha and i am a sex drunk.
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And i'm pasha jr and i'm a sex drunk.
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And we have with us today...
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Molly, hello. I'm also sex drunk. Yeah.
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Oh, that's a win. Not everybody says they're sex drunk.
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That's true.
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Some people say they're sexaholics. I'm like, come on, guys.
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Come on. You're on the sex drunk show.
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We're on the podcast. We got to hop on board.
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Yeah.
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Well, and also, too, it says it in the white book as well.
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It does.
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It uses that exact verbiage. So we're just doing what the program says.
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So, um, but other people are still following directions.
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But you know, some people have really struggled with following directions.
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Well, and here's the thing is you have sexaholic, which obviously that name
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derived from alcoholic, but you don't have like a drugaholic or anything like
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that. And so I'm like, Hey, we have to have our own thing. And I think sex drunk
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is it. I think it's unique.
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It stands out. And, uh, those are my thoughts.
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It makes me want to listen to the podcast. That title.
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What does?
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Sex drunk.
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Nice.
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Yeah so here's a question um what do you think about sexahol,
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sexahol no yeah,
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molly was that a no.
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Yeah no that was like three no's bro.
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Why not I think it's underrated it's like hey I'm posh I'm powerless over sexahol.
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I don't think I could focus in a meeting if I heard that. Actually,
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no, I'd have acceptance. I'd be like, oh, they're sick. They're still sick.
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Molly.
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Super sick.
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How open are you to talking about how we know each other?
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Yeah, that's fine.
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Okay.
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I think that works.
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You just stopped me if-
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I don't really know how to be on a podcast, so we can't just ask me anything.
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Just picture this just being a conversation between a picture we're just on
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a zoom call and we're just chopping it up just shooting the shit except instead of a zoom.
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Call all you see is a lava lamp.
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Oh yeah for the vibe for the vibe though.
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Last night i tried to prepare i was like oh my gosh when it's a podcast i have to prepare.
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You have to prepare for sure so wait wait hold on that goes out the window once you join.
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What did you i really want to know if you're if you're open to sharing,
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of course, what did you prepare?
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I'm prepared. I have these, I was like, I should write down like significant stories in my journey.
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And one of them says monk resentments, resentments against monks.
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I don't know why I figured that one was going to be- Yo.
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We're definitely going to cover that topic. That's next right after this intro.
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This is, that's money right there monk resentments.
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Yeah but just just for context for you molly we say this all the new guests
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is like this the way this podcast works it's the least unstructured it's the
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most conversational we just like it's basically,
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me and pasha it's like two people who struggle with adhd incredibly like like strongly and,
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uh so we start one place and then we don't know where we end and then all of
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a sudden it just we don't see the lava lamp anymore and then all of a sudden
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we're like eating breakfast or something like that so just hanging out,
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yeah that's how it happens so it's kind of a blur.
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I listened to Mike K's episode and I was like, okay, I can, he can do it. I can do it.
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Which one? Mike K.
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Yeah, which one? Which one? Well, there's three of them.
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Oh, I don't know.
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He's done three episodes. He loves it. He loves it.
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He was so excited.
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Yeah.
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Oh, he's so pumped. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny because like,
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well, here's the cool part for those who are listening is Mike K actually says
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he's a regular listener now.
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So, uh, of the podcast, he really enjoys it. So shout out Mike,
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if you're listening, it's always funny. Everybody always refers to your episode.
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So just let that get, get to your head and feel good about yourself today.
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Yeah. Just don't lose your sobriety, Mike. Don't let it go to your head that far.
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Yeah. But just enough, you know, just to get a, get a good hit of ego,
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you know, just dopamine hit.
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Okay, so I want to do a quick intro about how Molly and I know each other,
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if everybody's down with that,
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and then we can jump into resentments about monks and all sorts of stuff.
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I'll share mine too as well. So we'll have a part one, part two.
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All right. So I actually don't remember how we met Molly. Like, I don't remember.
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Bro, you just said, okay, I got to share how I met her and everything,
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all this. No, I don't remember. What the heck?
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No, I don't remember the starting point. I remember some good stuff in the middle
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and I don't remember the starting point.
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I think, did we meet first time locally in a meeting? Is that right?
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Yeah, in Seattle. I think I remember because I was terrified. I won't.
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Yep, I remember that.
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I remember the leader of the meeting looking at me like, are you lost?
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You know, you get the question like, are you looking for AA?
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No, you know, you just sit there stubbornly.
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All right, well, Jonathan, maybe you want to kick us off.
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Yep Since you remember that moment So here locally we have,
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a meeting on Sunday mornings Called the hot seat And so anyways I'm there And
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then all of a sudden out of nowhere I see somebody with a huge puffer jacket
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on With their hood over their head And then just sits there And then,
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But normally here in these fellowships here locally, we don't have women.
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And all of a sudden we're like, wait, is that a woman?
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And so with what Molly said is like, yeah, like, are you in the right place?
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All these are like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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And then I remember eventually I think Molly shares, I might have been that
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first one saying, yeah, I don't know if I really want to be here.
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My sponsor told me to come to this though.
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Start going in person.
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And so that began the route, the journey. That's what I remember, at least.
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Yeah, I did. I had a huge puffer coat on because I figured that's what you should
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wear to a meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous.
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And somewhat, I think at some point, some guy said to me, I don't know if it
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was that meeting, but he leans over. He was clever.
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I think he was used to the program and he smiles and he was like,
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got your protective gear on there, right?
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I was like, oh my gosh, he knows. How does he know? That's what I'm doing. bro I think I.
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Know who would say that too.
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Yeah yeah.
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You should have been like yes you pervert go back.
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Focus on your program everybody else was the pervert everyone else I was like
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oh my gosh I'm just here and yeah my sponsor who had fired me twice and told
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me not to call her anymore who I still called like,
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you know was like he told me to oh this was like yeah she I was like on the phone with her.
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It was in the summer. I hadn't quite accepted yet that I needed to be in this
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program. And I'd call her like upset.
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Again because like without recovery is miserable and i started crying on the
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phone and i was like i don't want
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to be here i don't want to be in this program and she just goes too bad,
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and i just knew i i don't know that was the best answer she's like too bad,
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didn't even care yeah i think she knew that there is a lot of love and freedom
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but i was too busy throwing throwing a tender temper tantrum like i don't even
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know what i was trying to hold on to now my old life because it wasn't very
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good it was like exhausting you know like,
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yeah.
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I love your first sponsor stories.
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I love her too she's i talked to her recently again actually yeah because i
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had i don't so like i'm kind of she told me she's not available for advice because
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she's got like six kids now her story is crazy yeah no she's really like
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she got a 180 you know she used to Like she was, she like made out with Billy Idol on stage once.
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Like she told me, like she was just this wild person.
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And now she's like a mom and just loves, you know, and it's funny because like
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she's not in the rooms and people still call her all the time.
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Like God just like sends people to her. I've never seen it. I've never seen
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anything like her story. I have so many stories I'm excited to share about her.
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But I, if I have a problem that's really killing me, I'll reach out to her.
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And I had this resentment that it was so petty. And she's like, yeah, all of them are.
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And I reached out to her. And then you can expect that you get like 500 text
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messages back from her and you're not really like, you can't really respond.
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She doesn't like to let, she told me she would always talk over me like so much.
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And I try to get a word in edgewise, like, like, oh, oh, I'm trying,
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you know, I'm trying to contribute to the conversation. And she wants,
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she told me, she was like, I don't let addicts talk because I don't want to
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hear anything but truth come out of your mouth. I was like, what?
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So she knows, she knows, like, most of what I'm going to say is just garbage.
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So, yeah, I'm really, I'm really lucky. Like, I think it was God.
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She, she was my roommate.
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So that's how we met is, uh, and I almost didn't want her to be my roommate.
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Cause I had heard she was an alcoholic and I was like, she was an alcoholic
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and also a sexaholic, but alcoholic for recovered for 20 years.
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And I was like, I can't live with this like seedy alcoholic.
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And here I am like my own addiction.
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Yeah.
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So I think I, well, first of all, your first sponsor inspires me.
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I've heard quite a few of those stories and I absolutely love her methodology.
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Uh perhaps a bit strong sometimes but i think honestly that's where i'm headed like the,
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the more i sponsor i feel like the less uh interest i have in listening,
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and so i really when you just said that i was like yeah i mean that's what my sponsor does,
00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:29.101
says i i start like i will start sharing something i've learned to be very strategic,
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in the way that i share because i know that it's it's,
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uh you're gonna get cut off yeah it's like an hourglass right it's like i have
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i have only so many of those sand pebbles or whatever they're called and i'd be like it's just called.
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Sand really yeah just sand.
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Pebbles pebbles of sand grains of sand grains are they grains is that because.
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English is your second language third third,
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it's actually his.
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Fourth no it's not my fourth it is your fourth it's your fourth because.
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You speak sexaholic.
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That's the other language that you speak really well the first language um,
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but i think i met you at the tuesday meeting actually the first time i'm not
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sure but i'm pretty sure and at that time i was definitely still terrified of women,
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and but i also wanted to be nice and i was like you know like welcoming because
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i'm like it must be really awkward being in here,
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and so i i tried my best i don't know how how well or poorly i did but i was
00:15:44.330 --> 00:15:47.809
i was so grateful that that you were there,
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because i mean for a lot of reasons one because i think meetings are better with women in them and,
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i mean i go to a few meetings that have women that's that's amazing unfortunately
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it doesn't really happen in person very often at least not around here uh but
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that's one reason the other reason is it what.
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I got a few things brewing so keep going.
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Okay that was just an interesting sound it was it was the sound of brewing,
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So the other reason why I really appreciate you, you joining the fellowship when you did is,
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you know, I think there, there's, there's a few benefits to women being in the,
00:16:36.752 --> 00:16:44.661
in the meeting. One is I think it's just like people are men and women and,
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it's nice to have both represented in a meeting. It's kind of weird to pick,
00:16:52.899 --> 00:16:54.478
why is there all dudes in here?
00:16:56.057 --> 00:17:00.265
And when I go out, there's not just dudes, but here it's just dudes.
00:17:01.397 --> 00:17:05.966
So that's like a very, you know, kind of silly, but also for me, it's super real.
00:17:06.715 --> 00:17:13.782
The other piece is it it finally helped me deal with the my own nonsense that
00:17:13.782 --> 00:17:15.492
happens in my head around women,
00:17:16.003 --> 00:17:23.683
the only way i was able to deal with it was by actually having real interactions exposure therapy,
00:17:25.102 --> 00:17:27.422
yeah we have an episode called exposure therapy.
00:17:28.062 --> 00:17:30.092
Does it work i guess maybe.
00:17:30.092 --> 00:17:30.812
It It worked for me.
00:17:30.982 --> 00:17:33.486
Yeah, it works. It definitely works. It worked for me too.
00:17:33.991 --> 00:17:34.332
Yeah.
00:17:34.332 --> 00:17:40.842
It definitely works. And it's like, because I, dude, all the stuff,
00:17:40.842 --> 00:17:45.270
all the fear, all the like awkwardness, all that is just in my head.
00:17:45.438 --> 00:17:46.182
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:17:48.398 --> 00:17:53.843
Molly, you're a super cool person. And I would have never gotten to know that
00:17:53.977 --> 00:17:56.926
if I didn't get past my own nonsense.
00:17:57.181 --> 00:18:02.924
Fair. I think I kind of forced you because I went up to you like a hundred times.
00:18:05.504 --> 00:18:09.844
It's kind of hard to go up to the married men and be like, let's have fellowship. Right.
00:18:12.924 --> 00:18:16.644
So I think like yeah and I just I try to respect that you know like the tear
00:18:17.044 --> 00:18:20.894
I think a couple of things had happened like I was over it so like I started
00:18:20.894 --> 00:18:25.004
in program like 10 years ago and I was terrified of going into the rooms,
00:18:25.794 --> 00:18:30.034
and luckily my sponsor that first sponsor took me I think there was like kind
00:18:30.034 --> 00:18:33.164
of less of an online presence at that point and so,
00:18:33.704 --> 00:18:39.544
I had already like ripped off that sort of like really that fear and that awkwardness she,
00:18:40.044 --> 00:18:44.324
she had also taught me to supplement a lot with open aa meetings so like if
00:18:44.324 --> 00:18:48.234
you want to like that it just doesn't get any weirder than that so i was like
00:18:48.234 --> 00:18:50.684
oh just seeing all sorts of stuff you know and,
00:18:51.304 --> 00:18:54.063
um so by the time i came back to program,
00:18:54.893 --> 00:18:58.266
because i left for like 10 years because i wasn't ready and i'm like,
00:18:59.520 --> 00:19:04.177
Anyways, there's a whole story of like me coming back. But when I was ready
00:19:04.177 --> 00:19:09.177
to come back to SA, I, I was just over it.
00:19:09.177 --> 00:19:15.042
I didn't care. I knew that the guys were going to be like awkward a little bit or scared.
00:19:15.535 --> 00:19:19.987
And i was a little a little bit um yeah and i,
00:19:20.567 --> 00:19:24.907
i worked my work schedule was at the time that the women's only meeting was
00:19:24.907 --> 00:19:28.777
which often women's only meetings are kind of like they're kind of sad sometimes
00:19:28.777 --> 00:19:30.547
everybody's sad like it's not,
00:19:31.687 --> 00:19:38.167
um and so i don't know by the time i came back i was just ready really i've
00:19:38.167 --> 00:19:40.617
never been to a men's only meeting can.
00:19:40.617 --> 00:19:44.987
I get invited to the women's only just like just you know is that is that is
00:19:44.987 --> 00:19:48.707
there a pass or is there like a a car no you're a pervert jonathan.
00:19:48.707 --> 00:19:53.481
Okay i think it'd be interesting sometimes for like the guys to see.
00:19:54.091 --> 00:19:54.967
Let me be a speaker.
00:19:55.527 --> 00:19:59.167
The level of recovery i thought about that i thought about that i was like maybe
00:19:59.167 --> 00:20:04.727
a guy can come in and be a speaker and see everybody has to see but i guess
00:20:05.107 --> 00:20:07.227
you all know if the men's only meetings are sad so,
00:20:08.147 --> 00:20:13.137
oh yeah very sad and then poor yeah poor posha i just sort of like forced conversation
00:20:13.137 --> 00:20:15.517
so then my sponsor at the time my new sponsor,
00:20:16.067 --> 00:20:19.787
in sa she was like you have to do fellowship and i didn't want to so i just
00:20:19.787 --> 00:20:23.307
like picked people whose recovery i thought was pretty,
00:20:23.927 --> 00:20:27.457
pretty okay but every time i went up to you posha i was trying to like sometimes
00:20:27.457 --> 00:20:31.127
it was in a group and the other guys would leave and i was like okay well now
00:20:31.127 --> 00:20:36.017
this looks like weird that i'm just here by myself so I'd find like but I always
00:20:36.017 --> 00:20:37.827
did have something to ask you so,
00:20:38.527 --> 00:20:43.907
I don't know also in my head I was like well too bad if he's scared he didn't care really that's.
00:20:43.907 --> 00:20:53.996
Good I'm super grateful like I said it really really helped me to deal with my BS so,
00:20:54.990 --> 00:21:01.308
And there's, there's so many threads here, but, but one is, you know,
00:21:01.308 --> 00:21:04.698
you mentioned that you, your sponsor told you to go to these meetings and that
00:21:04.698 --> 00:21:07.581
you, you know, you kind of, sometimes you're feeling awkward and whatever.
00:21:08.312 --> 00:21:11.099
This is what I remember. And you can tell me if this is true or not.
00:21:11.540 --> 00:21:18.078
There, whenever there's a woman in the room, I'm like, I feel, I don't know.
00:21:21.518 --> 00:21:26.028
I don't know how to say this but I'm like thinking about how can I be helpful
00:21:26.028 --> 00:21:32.152
here because one I don't want to be coming on too strong and making it weird that way,
00:21:34.114 --> 00:21:40.528
but I also don't want to be just completely ignoring and so anyway probably
00:21:40.528 --> 00:21:44.772
most of that is just me being in my head but I would notice you like,
00:21:45.858 --> 00:21:51.175
okay okay uh this is how i this is how i see it you tell me if it's right you're like,
00:21:52.558 --> 00:21:55.338
uh okay i'm gonna stay no i'm gonna leave no i'm gonna stay i'm gonna no i'm
00:21:55.338 --> 00:21:57.838
gonna leave i know i'm gonna stay and then you just like walk out,
00:22:00.138 --> 00:22:02.058
i mean.
00:22:02.058 --> 00:22:06.898
They just it was it was true the struggle after every meeting it was never not
00:22:06.898 --> 00:22:12.968
uncomfortable like i even just even when i got comfortable in the rooms trying
00:22:12.968 --> 00:22:15.478
to like be the only woman and do fellowship.
00:22:15.478 --> 00:22:19.351
I don't think this is every woman's experience. Some of them just like, I think,
00:22:20.669 --> 00:22:24.391
I used to actually have a lot of guy friends and be really good at talking to
00:22:24.391 --> 00:22:28.451
guys. And then somewhere along the line, the disease like took that from me also.
00:22:29.191 --> 00:22:33.031
So I think it would be a little bit different now that I'm back like two years.
00:22:33.031 --> 00:22:36.701
But in the beginning, it was like, yeah, you know, it's like,
00:22:36.701 --> 00:22:41.251
okay, I'm going to go hang out and talk. Actually, I remember one of the first
00:22:41.251 --> 00:22:46.211
few people that I were like comfortable talking to were these two guys after the Tuesday meeting.
00:22:46.513 --> 00:22:51.461
And I was like, yes, I'm going to go do fellowship. And I went up to them and
00:22:51.461 --> 00:22:53.821
they were so welcoming and they look at me and they were like,
00:22:53.821 --> 00:22:56.213
we're discussing the toilets in prison.
00:22:58.671 --> 00:22:59.290
And I was like.
00:22:59.516 --> 00:23:06.883
Oh, and I was like trying to be supportive in there. So now I know how to use the bathroom in prison.
00:23:07.371 --> 00:23:09.739
So, you know, I didn't want to leave.
00:23:10.451 --> 00:23:12.751
That's why you don't go to that meeting anymore. That makes sense.
00:23:12.751 --> 00:23:13.531
Maybe. Totally.
00:23:14.951 --> 00:23:15.731
And then i think.
00:23:15.731 --> 00:23:17.871
After that i was like i don't know if i'm missing a whole,
00:23:21.551 --> 00:23:23.291
i remember that yeah.
00:23:24.071 --> 00:23:27.051
So let me ask you this to get your,
00:23:28.151 --> 00:23:32.651
so this is not a feel anything we say or do on this podcast which the power
00:23:32.651 --> 00:23:38.091
feels a little bit good pasha to be honest for me um is not affiliated allied
00:23:38.091 --> 00:23:42.631
with sa we don't speak for us or we're on our own thing we can talk about whatever the heck we want,
00:23:43.251 --> 00:23:46.351
um which can be very dangerous so my,
00:23:49.791 --> 00:23:54.561
i mean we're in this program because we don't like rules right yep and so oh
00:23:54.561 --> 00:23:58.211
yeah so that's how we started this because we don't like rules um but,
00:23:59.051 --> 00:24:03.041
what are your what's your and so you obviously met we mentioned how we met you
00:24:03.041 --> 00:24:07.251
and actually let me share this really quick and and you i don't remember the
00:24:07.251 --> 00:24:11.101
exact verbiage but i remember molly said something along the lines of like she
00:24:11.101 --> 00:24:13.000
eventually talked to me and she's like,
00:24:13.574 --> 00:24:15.999
Wow, that was a really good share. She's like, I thought you didn't like me.
00:24:15.999 --> 00:24:19.029
I thought you were a jerk or mean or upset or something like that.
00:24:19.029 --> 00:24:20.899
I can't remember. Do you remember, Molly, what you said?
00:24:20.899 --> 00:24:24.599
Oh my gosh, I do. I've been meaning to make amends to you for it.
00:24:27.239 --> 00:24:27.779
You don't need to.
00:24:27.839 --> 00:24:28.949
You don't need to.
00:24:28.949 --> 00:24:34.789
Okay. All right. Good. I was like, how can I, maybe I can do it after the podcast.
00:24:34.789 --> 00:24:41.159
No, you do. because you you know your your transformation jonathan is like so
00:24:41.159 --> 00:24:44.216
inspiring like i you taught me a lot because,
00:24:44.744 --> 00:24:50.049
um i remember you'd come in and you'd sit on your phone and i was like god this
00:24:50.059 --> 00:24:56.494
guy is like i don't want to sit by this guy like i'm sorry i'm sorry and then no go ahead,
00:24:57.419 --> 00:24:59.579
here's the thing is be be as.
00:24:59.979 --> 00:25:02.519
As transparent as possible i yeah i welcome it.
00:25:02.519 --> 00:25:06.519
You okay yeah you were dark like you were just I was like oh this guy's like
00:25:06.519 --> 00:25:09.419
thinking about himself you know I'm not I'm in the same program
00:25:09.859 --> 00:25:13.719
thinking about how well I was still in this phase where I still do this where
00:25:13.719 --> 00:25:17.539
I think people should be a certain way and if they are not that way then I'm
00:25:17.939 --> 00:25:20.199
mad at them and they're dead to me forever,
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:27.810
and then I have to work a program every day yeah and so I think at one point,
00:25:28.456 --> 00:25:32.685
You just like, I don't know, light just like took over you.
00:25:32.685 --> 00:25:36.865
Like you just, the brightness and the way you talk. And like what I really love,
00:25:36.865 --> 00:25:42.065
Jonathan, is like I knew you'd really change when you started talking about your wife differently.
00:25:42.065 --> 00:25:47.595
You were like talking about how you're married to like the greatest woman in the world.
00:25:47.595 --> 00:25:52.845
And I think in SA, it's interesting because like in open AA meetings, you hear about it a lot.
00:25:52.845 --> 00:25:56.905
Everyone, when they get recovered, like again and again, they're like,
00:25:56.905 --> 00:25:58.355
I'm married to my best friend.
00:25:58.355 --> 00:26:02.345
Like I love my wife. And in SA, I don't hear that as much. So when I heard you
00:26:02.345 --> 00:26:07.855
say that, I was like, whoa. But I mean, to get back to the insulting part, I went up to you.
00:26:09.115 --> 00:26:10.815
Yeah, let's get back to that. Come on.
00:26:12.944 --> 00:26:18.915
I went up to you and I was like you're really like great now because before you were not,
00:26:21.675 --> 00:26:23.175
so I'm very sorry I said that.
00:26:24.335 --> 00:26:28.355
I can't remember um exactly because I feel like you I don't think you said it
00:26:28.355 --> 00:26:31.815
like that but yeah it was something like you know I thought you were like a
00:26:31.815 --> 00:26:33.935
mean or upset or something like that and,
00:26:34.835 --> 00:26:41.535
uh and so like the the I appreciate you saying that I don't I I'll accept it.
00:26:42.795 --> 00:26:43.255
Thank you.
00:26:43.255 --> 00:26:50.115
Is this is not the first time I've gotten that response. Mainly because like, you know, um,
00:26:53.096 --> 00:26:57.262
I'm a really like, yeah, very, I, I, well, I'll, I'll start with this.
00:26:57.262 --> 00:27:01.802
I have RBF. I have resting bitch face for sure. Like the 100%.
00:27:01.802 --> 00:27:09.102
And, um, yeah, yours is baked in bro. Yours is, um, so, so there's that.
00:27:09.102 --> 00:27:13.282
And then the other thing is just like, sometimes I, I mean, you know,
00:27:13.282 --> 00:27:17.092
especially in social situations, even in essay, I could be all kind of squirmy and awkward.
00:27:17.092 --> 00:27:19.102
So I'm like, Hey, I'm just not going to say anything or do anything.
00:27:19.102 --> 00:27:21.932
I'm just going to kind of keep to myself. And then, so anyways,
00:27:21.932 --> 00:27:24.362
I've had people say in the past, like literally come up to me and say,
00:27:24.362 --> 00:27:28.142
Hey, I thought you hated me. I'm like, I don't even really think about you.
00:27:28.142 --> 00:27:30.292
I'm like, and so, but like, it's just like.
00:27:30.292 --> 00:27:30.842
Who are you?
00:27:31.262 --> 00:27:36.062
Yeah. Who are you? But, but it happens. And so I think it is helpful in general,
00:27:36.382 --> 00:27:39.682
um, to, uh, have that and hear that.
00:27:39.682 --> 00:27:43.222
And also to just, yeah, uh, I can definitely be all over the place,
00:27:43.222 --> 00:27:44.902
but I just remember that.
00:27:44.902 --> 00:27:47.872
And it was, uh, for me, it's funny that you say, obviously like you,
00:27:47.872 --> 00:27:51.572
um, that you, one still remember, and then two, you said it was like,
00:27:51.572 --> 00:27:54.322
uh, uh, maybe something you had to make amends for.
00:27:54.322 --> 00:27:56.792
But for me, I'm like, oh, that was a, thank you for saying that.
00:27:56.792 --> 00:28:01.182
Like it was, it was incredibly honest and I actually really appreciated it when you said it.
00:28:01.750 --> 00:28:07.872
Um, so no hard feelings there, but here's the thing I want to ask is I've obviously
00:28:07.872 --> 00:28:11.042
we met, we mentioned just like in brief different situations, how we met you.
00:28:12.122 --> 00:28:14.742
I'm curious you're honest transparent yeah,
00:28:16.071 --> 00:28:19.554
Take on what your thoughts of the local meetings here in Washington.
00:28:20.349 --> 00:28:22.556
Brutally honest. What is your perspective?
00:28:22.916 --> 00:28:23.658
Brother.
00:28:24.616 --> 00:28:26.172
As a sexaholic or as a woman?
00:28:26.410 --> 00:28:35.106
Just real quick pause here. I did, I did, I looked at our statistics recently by geography.
00:28:35.878 --> 00:28:39.006
An overwhelming majority is from Washington state. All right,
00:28:39.006 --> 00:28:41.216
Molly, you, you have the floor.
00:28:43.316 --> 00:28:48.416
Now I get a comment on it. everybody's great if you're if you're comfortable
00:28:48.416 --> 00:28:51.386
of course of course no no even if you're.
00:28:51.386 --> 00:28:54.816
Uncomfortable think of what your sponsor would say and say it.
00:28:55.196 --> 00:28:59.456
Oh i was already thinking of what she would say which is none of my business
00:28:59.456 --> 00:29:04.699
what other people think of me um you know that's the best thing i heard so,
00:29:05.303 --> 00:29:10.156
i don't know you know i i guess like i mean who cares about my opinion like
00:29:10.156 --> 00:29:13.316
i'm in this a program right like yeah,
00:29:14.996 --> 00:29:16.011
so
00:29:17.936 --> 00:29:24.806
you know i think we're really lucky to have what we have now um even 10 years
00:29:24.806 --> 00:29:28.985
ago you know like where there's a lot of guys um,
00:29:33.026 --> 00:29:36.143
Yeah, I'm thinking of something that I can't, I can see.
00:29:39.231 --> 00:29:40.004
Let's start here.
00:29:40.004 --> 00:29:41.274
I don't know if I want to say that.
00:29:41.694 --> 00:29:47.294
When you said, we're lucky to have what we have now, what is it that we have now?
00:29:47.594 --> 00:29:53.924
I think there's a lot of people in the fellowship, especially like the meetings are big, you know,
00:29:56.054 --> 00:29:59.894
and there's a lot of people. So that's great. Like the fact that it's grown,
00:29:59.894 --> 00:30:02.318
it's well known, it's established, right?
00:30:03.136 --> 00:30:09.224
Um, like, I mean, there's definitely a certain amount of ego sometimes like
00:30:09.404 --> 00:30:12.812
Seattle is very cool city is a lot of money.
00:30:13.148 --> 00:30:16.694
Um, but I don't, I don't like that. I said that who cares?
00:30:16.694 --> 00:30:20.550
That's my opinion. And it doesn't matter. What I really wanted to say is like,
00:30:21.055 --> 00:30:25.494
um, my business is to come into meetings and to be of service.
00:30:25.494 --> 00:30:30.494
Like I'm not, I don't think I've ever thought about this question of like, how is the meeting?
00:30:30.834 --> 00:30:36.943
I would say like i was in florida recently i had to go on a trip there and um.
00:30:38.098 --> 00:30:43.671
Like, the love that, yeah, so I don't know, I think, sorry, I'm backing up.
00:30:44.733 --> 00:30:48.766
I received what I needed in Seattle. Like, the transformation,
00:30:48.766 --> 00:30:52.206
meeting you guys, like, God just knows where he puts us.
00:30:52.206 --> 00:30:58.806
Like, that is, it's just changed my whole life. Like, meeting both of you and, like, the formation.
00:30:58.806 --> 00:31:02.696
There's some women, there's a woman in Seattle who's got, like, 13 years of recovery.
00:31:02.696 --> 00:31:07.446
She mostly goes to the woman's only meeting uh kirsten s and she's like amazing
00:31:07.446 --> 00:31:11.086
you know she's helped me so much she was also my roommate why am i roommates
00:31:11.086 --> 00:31:15.186
with all the sexaholic women like but um,
00:31:15.926 --> 00:31:20.986
so but like i went to this meeting in florida once and um,
00:31:21.966 --> 00:31:28.136
there was one guy that i knew in florida so i reached out to him and he connected me with this other guy.
00:31:29.262 --> 00:31:32.366
And he was like this guy's going to be at the meeting for you.
00:31:32.366 --> 00:31:35.857
And so I got in a Uber to go to the meeting.
00:31:36.646 --> 00:31:41.116
And this guy waited outside for me in the rain. And when I got there,
00:31:41.116 --> 00:31:42.916
he just gave me this big hug.
00:31:42.916 --> 00:31:46.386
And the meeting was just great. It was a little bit awkward,
00:31:46.386 --> 00:31:48.646
but this guy's recovery, just the love.
00:31:48.646 --> 00:31:53.466
And it really showed me, I think it really showed me what the fellowship was about.
00:31:53.466 --> 00:31:58.363
Just from that one guy having enough care to connect me like there was no fear
00:31:58.781 --> 00:32:03.126
there was no fear there was no awkwardness and like i just felt so loved and
00:32:03.446 --> 00:32:09.217
i was like that i think this is like we need more of this in the fellowship so um,
00:32:10.134 --> 00:32:14.366
that just really yeah that that really stood out to me i'd go back to i just
00:32:14.366 --> 00:32:20.506
felt totally safe and trusted that guy i remember so i know i didn't i just
00:32:20.506 --> 00:32:22.526
talked about the fellowship in Florida instead.
00:32:23.126 --> 00:32:27.148
Wait, I just want to say, Molly, I want to congratulate you on something.
00:32:28.070 --> 00:32:31.448
You did not take Jonathan's bait. I'm pissed.
00:32:31.448 --> 00:32:34.740
I'm so pissed. Now I have a resentment. Now you have to make amends, Molly.
00:32:36.678 --> 00:32:38.178
You'll be fine. You'll be okay.
00:32:40.928 --> 00:32:45.198
Yes. Yeah. Do you have an opinion about the Seattle Fellowship?
00:32:45.838 --> 00:32:49.548
Oh, me and Pasha have opinions about anywhere we go. It doesn't matter where
00:32:49.548 --> 00:32:53.543
we go. We could be at Salt and Straw getting ice cream and have an opinion about that.
00:32:55.978 --> 00:32:59.011
All meetings do it wrong If you ask my opinion.
00:32:59.370 --> 00:33:06.358
Yeah So here's the one thing that This actually Really made me sad to see,
00:33:08.398 --> 00:33:11.258
And I'm curious How you processed it Or what your journey was,
00:33:12.778 --> 00:33:17.028
Molly would either be there On time or eventually she would show up to a meeting,
00:33:17.487 --> 00:33:22.328
And then I would just see if you guys stand up And leave And honestly like seeing
00:33:22.328 --> 00:33:23.518
it every time it was just like,
00:33:24.678 --> 00:33:30.048
ah like i understand like you know what whatever their reason is for that but
00:33:30.048 --> 00:33:33.448
it was it was really saddening to see so i'm just curious for you what was you
00:33:33.448 --> 00:33:37.168
like do you did you remember any of that i'm just curious your thoughts on on
00:33:37.168 --> 00:33:39.035
that happening how did you process it.
00:33:39.238 --> 00:33:43.238
I think like women probably get used to that pretty quickly like there's a.
00:33:43.238 --> 00:33:43.868
Lot there's.
00:33:43.868 --> 00:33:49.298
A whole i just know already like maybe it's gonna be a little awkward maybe
00:33:49.678 --> 00:33:52.398
not very many people are going to want to talk to me.
00:33:53.577 --> 00:33:56.651
I think I have like a different opinion on it now. You know,
00:33:56.651 --> 00:34:00.251
I used to really get offended and be mad.
00:34:00.251 --> 00:34:03.761
And I was recently talking to my sponsor now, who's also amazing.
00:34:03.761 --> 00:34:09.971
She has like nine years of recovery. And she told me like the most beautiful
00:34:09.971 --> 00:34:16.571
story of like, the most important person sometimes in the situation is the SNN, right?
00:34:16.571 --> 00:34:20.351
And like, I think sometimes we really judge the SNNs. This is all from her.
00:34:20.351 --> 00:34:24.711
This is like, this is brand new opinion. So like, I don't, I have to think about
00:34:24.711 --> 00:34:28.541
it because I do think like we shouldn't give in to somebody else's disease, but.
00:34:31.221 --> 00:34:36.141
Sometimes it's not even program stuff. It's just like very normal human things,
00:34:36.781 --> 00:34:39.041
that the wife is going to be scared.
00:34:39.041 --> 00:34:43.961
Right. And so she told me the story where like about her sponsor.
00:34:43.961 --> 00:34:48.991
So her sponsor came in, was at a meeting and this guy comes in and he sees her
00:34:48.991 --> 00:34:51.892
and he's like, oh, I have to leave.
00:34:52.647 --> 00:34:58.251
And uh because because of my wife and she got up her her recovery was solid
00:34:58.251 --> 00:35:00.494
she was fine she got up and she left,
00:35:02.090 --> 00:35:08.501
and the next week she comes back to the meeting and the guy comes back and she
00:35:08.501 --> 00:35:15.726
went up to him and she goes do you need me to leave again and the guy goes no my wife trusts you,
00:35:16.707 --> 00:35:21.914
and they were able to be at the meeting all all together after that and like
00:35:22.042 --> 00:35:24.858
i've just never heard anything like that of like,
00:35:26.082 --> 00:35:30.674
i think it could have been like that particular situation like i,
00:35:31.139 --> 00:35:35.196
i just think the care you know the the what the woman did in that situation
00:35:35.516 --> 00:35:39.521
is she didn't throw a tantrum she what shouldn't demand her rights she just
00:35:39.521 --> 00:35:43.881
100 thought about the newcomer and the esenon wife And,
00:35:45.121 --> 00:35:48.060
I don't think it applies to every situation, but.
00:35:49.748 --> 00:35:53.254
I just think there's so much love i think we're all in nons in some way like
00:35:53.254 --> 00:35:55.279
i know what it what it's like to be,
00:35:56.510 --> 00:36:03.000
a scared female like woman and for from somebody else's sexual behavior so,
00:36:04.149 --> 00:36:10.974
yeah i i do think that there is a degree of like exposure therapy that needs
00:36:10.974 --> 00:36:16.044
to happen like if a guy is scared of a girl it's like or a woman in the meeting
00:36:16.044 --> 00:36:18.993
it's like this is a great time to practice but um,
00:36:20.990 --> 00:36:24.514
i don't know yeah that's i just recently heard this and i just thought there
00:36:24.514 --> 00:36:29.105
was so much love at least in that particular story so um,
00:36:30.957 --> 00:36:37.274
i think if the woman is new then she she definitely needs help and resources but,
00:36:37.934 --> 00:36:41.284
um you know i that's all i love about being the women in program is they're
00:36:41.284 --> 00:36:45.694
just tough as nails like you have to be you have to want recovery to be here,
00:36:46.154 --> 00:36:50.004
i sometimes in my head when I think about the guys if the guys are complaining
00:36:50.004 --> 00:36:53.564
I'm like yeah go ahead and complain about your luxury recovery there you got
00:36:53.564 --> 00:36:56.014
like 400 people you can call like right,
00:36:56.814 --> 00:37:02.657
for us there's like 10 of us I don't know there's more than that but yeah I don't know.
00:37:03.847 --> 00:37:08.978
No I mean that that that last piece I think is is a really important perspective,
00:37:10.194 --> 00:37:12.524
if for no other reason than to be
00:37:12.524 --> 00:37:19.236
grateful for what I have because I take virtually everything for granted,
00:37:21.233 --> 00:37:21.650
except,
00:37:23.287 --> 00:37:27.682
Perhaps my, there's, there's certain things now that I take for granted less,
00:37:28.262 --> 00:37:33.131
but things like what you just mentioned, I don't think about that all the time, right?
00:37:33.131 --> 00:37:39.292
Like I just, you're right. I have, I have more people to call than I can ever possibly call ever.
00:37:40.273 --> 00:37:44.131
Even even people that i like like i have lists i have to,
00:37:44.591 --> 00:37:48.081
i have a ton of contacts that i just don't even i don't even know what to do
00:37:48.081 --> 00:37:52.451
with but then i have lists of people and even in those lists of people that
00:37:52.451 --> 00:37:56.200
i've pre-selected i still can't call them because there's too many people.
00:37:57.211 --> 00:38:05.818
Uh yeah yeah go ahead i yeah i like okay no this topic this gets me so excited because like this,
00:38:06.341 --> 00:38:11.781
like the fellowship i love i love people i love hanging out i was like worried
00:38:11.781 --> 00:38:15.421
about moving to hawaii because i was like it's an island like is there gonna
00:38:15.421 --> 00:38:18.631
be enough people like to hang out with and then the,
00:38:19.411 --> 00:38:20.951
like population's over a million
00:38:20.951 --> 00:38:26.699
so we're okay but like i was like oh okay it's gonna be okay but um,
00:38:27.639 --> 00:38:33.011
yeah it's it's the thing i'm always struggling with is like i i really think
00:38:33.011 --> 00:38:37.471
the fellowship matters for recovery i know people say it's just the steps but
00:38:37.471 --> 00:38:40.181
i really think it's fellowship and um i,
00:38:41.451 --> 00:38:44.371
i went through this i had one sponsor that helped me through this i went through
00:38:44.371 --> 00:38:50.601
a huge resentment about there not being enough women and uh or like recovered
00:38:50.601 --> 00:38:56.431
you know or just like even local local women to just like go hang out with and um,
00:38:57.679 --> 00:39:01.081
some people would disagree with me like in some places they definitely have
00:39:01.081 --> 00:39:04.451
it you know and like definitely that's not a diss to the women in seattle i
00:39:04.451 --> 00:39:09.311
just because of work schedule and stuff i wasn't as connected to them um but
00:39:09.311 --> 00:39:11.210
she used to tell me she was like.
00:39:13.015 --> 00:39:17.745
You know put yes it should be different but it isn't so what is god doing and
00:39:17.745 --> 00:39:22.155
actually i don't know pascha if you're okay with me saying it so um yes that's
00:39:22.155 --> 00:39:24.255
what led me with you okay thanks.
00:39:30.972 --> 00:39:34.975
Is it led me to look elsewhere for,
00:39:36.015 --> 00:39:41.135
being led through the steps so it's one of the things that led me to like ask
00:39:41.135 --> 00:39:44.545
uh actually pascha to lead me through the steps in a group i don't know if i
00:39:44.545 --> 00:39:46.435
was supposed to say that but i said it no.
00:39:46.435 --> 00:39:51.315
No i'm i wanted to talk about that too so you just you just led right to it
00:39:51.715 --> 00:39:55.177
i i was gonna go there eventually i was looking for the right time so.
00:39:55.485 --> 00:39:59.293
Please yeah so um um.
00:40:02.453 --> 00:40:04.465
I have something I want to share about that.
00:40:04.709 --> 00:40:05.005
Yeah.
00:40:05.475 --> 00:40:08.493
So I don't know if, were you about to move on to something else?
00:40:08.493 --> 00:40:12.203
No, I was going to say how I decided to ask you.
00:40:12.203 --> 00:40:12.853
All right, cool.
00:40:14.543 --> 00:40:19.043
So a lot of the women with really good recovery were really busy or,
00:40:19.043 --> 00:40:22.043
I mean, they were doing their best. They were so, you know, available,
00:40:22.043 --> 00:40:24.493
but I just didn't see, I don't know.
00:40:24.793 --> 00:40:27.893
I don't really remember exactly at the time why. I just like,
00:40:28.253 --> 00:40:32.893
it had been a year though. It was like a year that I was trying to find,
00:40:35.174 --> 00:40:39.143
what I wanted in somebody else. And finally, after a year, I was like,
00:40:39.143 --> 00:40:41.673
I'm sick of this. I'm not following any of these dumb rules.
00:40:42.493 --> 00:40:48.593
I'm going to break all these norms. And eventually I get to that point in almost
00:40:48.593 --> 00:40:53.073
anything I'm doing. And so I picked a couple of guys that I really admired their
00:40:53.073 --> 00:40:55.577
recovery. And I just asked them, I said,
00:40:58.154 --> 00:41:01.153
you know, would you be willing to lead me through the steps in a group?
00:41:01.153 --> 00:41:03.253
And Pasha, you were one of those guys.
00:41:05.498 --> 00:41:08.803
And actually, the way you led me through the steps is how I sponsor now.
00:41:08.803 --> 00:41:12.992
I'm so, along with my first sponsor, who was an absolute,
00:41:15.203 --> 00:41:19.913
piece of fire, right? I guess I like the people that have a lot of fire,
00:41:19.913 --> 00:41:21.444
right? I need that. And so,
00:41:23.702 --> 00:41:29.353
it was just, yeah, so we met in a group and I was nervous, but,
00:41:31.913 --> 00:41:36.630
I don't regret it. It's one of the things I like the most that happened in recovery, I think.
00:41:39.044 --> 00:41:46.729
Yeah, I, I loved it. It was, it was also a very, it was like an instrumental point in my recovery.
00:41:47.069 --> 00:41:52.289
And so what's interesting is, and I, I want to be careful here because there
00:41:52.289 --> 00:41:57.705
was another episode where, you know, like I'm not promoting any sort of anything.
00:41:57.827 --> 00:41:59.708
I'm just sharing my experience.
00:42:00.318 --> 00:42:05.859
You're the third woman i know that has said like you know or not said but reached
00:42:05.859 --> 00:42:12.288
out to guys to take them to the steps and all three of you i think are like,
00:42:13.640 --> 00:42:18.481
you know i i look up to your recovery and you're somebody that i go yes like,
00:42:19.515 --> 00:42:25.269
yes yes yes like i'm so glad we're on this journey together uh so i just think
00:42:25.269 --> 00:42:29.529
that's that's really cool and the reason i'm like i want to be careful about saying that.
00:42:29.529 --> 00:42:32.829
I'm not telling anybody to go sponsor women or go, you know,
00:42:32.829 --> 00:42:37.569
it's like, I don't know what's right for anybody, but I know that in my,
00:42:37.569 --> 00:42:39.069
and I wasn't really your sponsor.
00:42:39.069 --> 00:42:41.199
I just more like a, just, we went
00:42:41.199 --> 00:42:47.736
through a, basically like a workshop together, but, um, that piece was,
00:42:49.972 --> 00:42:56.751
Gosh, I was also nervous. I was very nervous. And it was almost like the final,
00:42:56.751 --> 00:42:59.621
I mean, not the final, because I'm always growing in this regard,
00:42:59.621 --> 00:43:02.741
but it was, you know how I was talking about how you helped me deal with my
00:43:02.741 --> 00:43:04.491
own nonsense about women.
00:43:05.831 --> 00:43:06.081
Yeah.
00:43:06.081 --> 00:43:13.301
That was like, that was like the final, like, I don't know, trial, I guess.
00:43:13.301 --> 00:43:14.301
I don't know what the right word
00:43:14.301 --> 00:43:22.335
is, but it was, you know, we did 13 weeks and it was just so much fun.
00:43:23.781 --> 00:43:24.988
It was a lot of fun actually.
00:43:25.435 --> 00:43:30.321
Yeah. We had fun and it just made me like, yeah, I was nervous at times and
00:43:30.321 --> 00:43:34.584
maybe whatever, but like overall I just relaxed.
00:43:35.420 --> 00:43:42.425
I was like oh okay we're people like this is what i do with guys like who cares
00:43:42.854 --> 00:43:46.750
and you know it i think it does help that we were in a group setting i,
00:43:47.603 --> 00:43:51.711
like when you when you asked me i had asked because like i wanted to do it but
00:43:51.711 --> 00:43:53.164
i was nervous and i was like,
00:43:55.601 --> 00:44:01.094
uh what do i what do i do i've had women ask me to sponsor me sponsor me,
00:44:01.918 --> 00:44:07.441
to sponsor them before but um i don't know it just never felt right and it i
00:44:07.441 --> 00:44:12.006
think there was always like newcomers who didn't really understand what was going on and um,
00:44:12.761 --> 00:44:17.544
it just you know at the time that it happened it wasn't wasn't right for me um,
00:44:18.321 --> 00:44:21.417
and but this was something different and,
00:44:23.077 --> 00:44:26.751
you i don't know that i just i can't even i can't even speak,
00:44:26.751 --> 00:44:32.661
I can't, I can't express how that impacted me, but.
00:44:35.297 --> 00:44:41.304
I basically just finally relaxed around women and an essay and,
00:44:43.802 --> 00:44:51.582
I, I talked to women in essay on a regular basis and usually it's in group settings,
00:44:51.582 --> 00:44:58.672
but not always like sometimes it's one-on-one and to, I don't know.
00:44:58.672 --> 00:45:03.635
It just feels so chill and so like.
00:45:06.410 --> 00:45:12.742
Real and the separation like I understand the separation I'll be very honest
00:45:12.742 --> 00:45:14.636
like when I was in the beginning,
00:45:15.182 --> 00:45:20.602
when I first got here I could not be around women I seriously could not be around
00:45:20.602 --> 00:45:24.052
women I was I was toxic okay.
00:45:27.330 --> 00:45:33.464
It took me some time to to mellow out because i just i had so much insanity
00:45:33.464 --> 00:45:40.274
going on in my head i needed some time but once that time passed,
00:45:41.813 --> 00:45:43.293
it it feels like,
00:45:44.982 --> 00:45:50.244
without without talking to women and like this whole you know i see this i see
00:45:50.244 --> 00:45:56.274
this in some people and it just for me it it could not work where it's isolation
00:45:56.274 --> 00:45:58.473
and it's total segregation right,
00:45:58.932 --> 00:46:04.524
there's women there's men i don't talk to women because i'm a i'm a man i'm
00:46:04.524 --> 00:46:08.353
a sexaholic and i never talk to women unless i absolutely have to,
00:46:09.218 --> 00:46:16.484
and for me that just feels like something spiritually is missing like if if
00:46:16.484 --> 00:46:20.834
i'm not solid enough and i'm talking about me if i'm not solid I'm not solid
00:46:20.834 --> 00:46:23.609
enough to have a conversation with a woman.
00:46:24.595 --> 00:46:25.960
I'm not solid.
00:46:27.277 --> 00:46:32.299
My first sponsor used to say that she used to say because i i would ask her like,
00:46:33.465 --> 00:46:38.467
about the dynamics in the rooms when a woman shows up and she was like if you're
00:46:38.601 --> 00:46:43.064
not me but like anyone she was like if your recovery is in such a state that
00:46:43.064 --> 00:46:46.153
you can't even sit in a room with a woman,
00:46:46.710 --> 00:46:49.804
then you need to go work on that and i was like all of a sudden it just hit
00:46:49.804 --> 00:46:53.644
me of like oh yeah we're literally just sitting in a room together and like
00:46:53.644 --> 00:46:56.027
can't handle it you know um,
00:46:57.902 --> 00:47:04.717
so i just i i don't know i remember that and i'm not so apologetic anymore about,
00:47:05.919 --> 00:47:07.724
coming into the rooms i just i
00:47:07.724 --> 00:47:11.457
love it actually i love knowing that just sitting there is like helping um,
00:47:13.739 --> 00:47:16.499
I'm making myself sound like I'm doing all this great stuff.
00:47:16.499 --> 00:47:19.997
It's not. It's God because it's helping me too. But it's that it's helping like,
00:47:20.624 --> 00:47:24.699
just growth. You know, it's like just literally I think it's with anybody being
00:47:24.699 --> 00:47:26.876
that presence. You're just there being a presence.
00:47:27.729 --> 00:47:30.609
I don't know. There was just something about your guys as both of your guys
00:47:30.609 --> 00:47:33.341
as recovery that was a little was different.
00:47:35.176 --> 00:47:39.299
And I had been around enough like AA meetings where I'm not in AA,
00:47:39.299 --> 00:47:41.639
but I just I can't I die without them.
00:47:41.639 --> 00:47:45.939
I have to, I have to have an open AA meeting at some point, um,
00:47:45.939 --> 00:47:50.259
for my recovery. Cause there's such deep time and wisdom.
00:47:50.259 --> 00:47:50.299
And,
00:47:52.637 --> 00:47:53.641
how often do you go?
00:47:53.961 --> 00:47:59.239
Probably sometimes not every day, but like a few times a week,
00:47:59.239 --> 00:48:02.009
I'll go to an online one because it just, it's different.
00:48:02.009 --> 00:48:06.019
It's just, I say is a younger program. So there's not always people that have
00:48:06.019 --> 00:48:10.199
like 20 years, you know, And the way they talk about God, I just,
00:48:10.199 --> 00:48:13.829
I always hear something that I think I can bring back into the rooms, you know, I just...
00:48:17.174 --> 00:48:22.040
Yeah. Yeah. So that way I still am smiling.
00:48:22.040 --> 00:48:25.210
I'm sitting here smiling, just thinking about the workshop because that you
00:48:25.210 --> 00:48:29.330
did, because it was so fun. And I think I really looked at my motivations too.
00:48:29.330 --> 00:48:33.220
I talked to my sponsor about it at the time and she signed off on it.
00:48:33.220 --> 00:48:36.898
She was like, I mean, do what God tells you to do. And, um,
00:48:39.278 --> 00:48:42.040
yeah, I don't know. I'm just grateful. I don't know.
00:48:42.040 --> 00:48:47.960
It's just super fun. And that became a, um, what's the word?
00:48:47.960 --> 00:48:49.100
Bigger workshop.
00:48:49.245 --> 00:48:55.010
Yeah. Like it lights us, it lit a spark for me. And I realized that I want to,
00:48:55.207 --> 00:48:59.550
I want to do this with men and women in larger groups.
00:48:59.550 --> 00:49:04.640
And so I started doing that after, um, you know, our, we, we,
00:49:04.640 --> 00:49:06.921
we had a really small group, right? It was just the three of us.
00:49:08.080 --> 00:49:14.820
And it inspired me so much that I was like, dude, this, this is where it's at.
00:49:14.820 --> 00:49:18.142
So yeah, God, God is, God is good.
00:49:19.901 --> 00:49:25.120
So, so let me ask you this, Molly. So I know that you already alluded to this earlier.
00:49:25.620 --> 00:49:29.430
So you said you joined the fellowship over 10 years, you left,
00:49:29.430 --> 00:49:32.870
then you came back. What's the story there? Why did, why did you leave?
00:49:32.870 --> 00:49:37.425
And then what brought you back? And then how is this experience the second time been different.
00:49:37.588 --> 00:49:41.263
Oh man yeah um,
00:49:43.097 --> 00:49:48.924
So, I always had a problem. I mean, my favorite thing is pornography and masturbation.
00:49:48.924 --> 00:49:52.849
So, I don't really care about other people if I'm in my disease.
00:49:54.404 --> 00:49:56.404
I think we have a few listeners who can relate.
00:49:56.404 --> 00:50:02.174
Yeah. And my sponsor used to tease me. She'd be like, you could have had real
00:50:02.174 --> 00:50:03.496
relationships with people.
00:50:03.670 --> 00:50:07.804
She once told me, she was like, you made it all the way here and you didn't even have any fun.
00:50:08.204 --> 00:50:10.244
And I was like...
00:50:11.444 --> 00:50:16.184
Wow. She was like, what's the matter with you? And I was, she was so right. Like, yeah.
00:50:16.564 --> 00:50:19.993
She just like used to be like, what are you doing? Right. She's just like.
00:50:20.924 --> 00:50:23.544
Maybe she should have been your sponsor before fellowship too.
00:50:24.344 --> 00:50:25.164
I know.
00:50:25.604 --> 00:50:32.174
Like living in this rigid version of myself that was like so upset that I just
00:50:32.174 --> 00:50:34.524
couldn't stay at it and then had to go act out, you know, just like,
00:50:34.524 --> 00:50:36.894
hey, you know, what a horrible way to live.
00:50:36.894 --> 00:50:41.484
So, and I still tend towards that perfection.
00:50:41.984 --> 00:50:48.814
So anyways, I'm getting off track. So I was living in this house with her and
00:50:48.814 --> 00:50:53.132
she was just different. She was like that phrase, like surrender with teeth.
00:50:53.509 --> 00:50:55.436
I love that. She was like that.
00:50:55.565 --> 00:50:57.744
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I've never heard that. What is that?
00:50:57.764 --> 00:51:02.274
It's like it's not like a Pollyanna sort of surrender like I think sometimes
00:51:02.274 --> 00:51:05.544
when people think that they're gonna give their life to God they think that
00:51:05.544 --> 00:51:12.132
it's they're gonna be this little like little house on the prairie like super nice or like,
00:51:13.027 --> 00:51:18.065
a missionary not that there's anything wrong with being a missionary but like people just think like,
00:51:19.023 --> 00:51:23.550
they have these ideas that God's gonna make them weak and um,
00:51:25.321 --> 00:51:28.600
I don't know. She was just, I don't even have words to describe her.
00:51:28.600 --> 00:51:32.100
So like teeth means like there's just realness, like there's grit to it,
00:51:32.100 --> 00:51:35.014
you know, like it's not a pushover kind of surrender.
00:51:35.647 --> 00:51:41.230
Yeah. So I don't, I don't like, I just can't have like a soft version of surrender.
00:51:42.070 --> 00:51:47.350
I'm not that way. It doesn't work for me. Like I, like, I guess if I'm going
00:51:47.350 --> 00:51:51.230
to have a violent disease, then I need violent love in a sense.
00:51:51.230 --> 00:51:54.071
Maybe that's probably not the right word for it, but, um.
00:51:54.913 --> 00:52:03.812
Bro there's there's like there's people with different temperaments right yeah and i think,
00:52:05.078 --> 00:52:09.990
i haven't been to a lot of aa meetings but but the ones like i've been to one
00:52:09.990 --> 00:52:14.958
specific one that i'm thinking of right now it was very clear to me that,
00:52:15.811 --> 00:52:22.970
people there have a different temperament on an average than essay from what i've seen,
00:52:24.407 --> 00:52:28.035
and there's people in essay who are a little bit more rowdy,
00:52:30.938 --> 00:52:36.191
There's three of those people on this podcast right now.
00:52:36.865 --> 00:52:39.848
And I don't think there's that many of us.
00:52:42.733 --> 00:52:47.012
But since we're the most loud and outspoken, a lot of people get an earful from
00:52:47.012 --> 00:52:49.601
us. So sorry, everybody.
00:52:50.492 --> 00:52:53.932
What I'm saying, Molly, is I love you. I'm the same way. And I,
00:52:53.932 --> 00:52:58.862
I kind of feel alone sometimes in the meeting where, you know,
00:52:58.862 --> 00:53:03.335
it's like, everyone's just kind of sharing and I want to come in and just punch people in the face.
00:53:03.992 --> 00:53:08.852
And, and you, when you're there, I'm like, yes, like, yes. Like, yeah.
00:53:09.772 --> 00:53:13.172
So, so, so, so, so you probably know this and I feel like this,
00:53:13.572 --> 00:53:16.912
the part of you just sharing that I think really spotlights this piece.
00:53:16.912 --> 00:53:18.997
So there's a book called the five love languages.
00:53:19.496 --> 00:53:21.792
You have physical touch, you have quality time, you have all these,
00:53:21.792 --> 00:53:25.732
you have this, you know, access service. receiving gifts words of affirmation,
00:53:26.232 --> 00:53:29.112
pascha has a six though it's called violence so once.
00:53:29.492 --> 00:53:32.482
Using violent violent.
00:53:32.482 --> 00:53:36.032
That's all pascha heard he's like yes that's what i want you have what i want.
00:53:37.322 --> 00:53:38.412
No but jonathan you're.
00:53:38.412 --> 00:53:45.172
You're the same way when you share you you're like you're like i i'm definitely gonna make somebody.
00:53:45.172 --> 00:53:50.912
Mad it's like spiritually ferocious it's like the spiritually ferocious is like
00:53:50.912 --> 00:53:54.929
because like I don't know it's just don't don't you just like,
00:53:56.352 --> 00:54:01.382
I don't think that recovery doesn't mean we don't ever have intimacy and like
00:54:01.382 --> 00:54:05.842
this deep deep love you know and people I'm maybe I should not be talking about
00:54:05.842 --> 00:54:08.251
this but people talk about like giving up passion,
00:54:08.779 --> 00:54:13.522
in recovery and every time or I heard somebody say once like your life as an
00:54:13.522 --> 00:54:16.052
addict should be one step above boring.
00:54:16.052 --> 00:54:22.152
And I was just like, I'm going to die. Like that is no, like that's not what the book describes.
00:54:22.552 --> 00:54:25.882
That's not what they're talking about. Like, I don't know. I think if you're
00:54:25.882 --> 00:54:29.832
thinking of passion as like this form of lust, then yeah, but it's like,
00:54:29.832 --> 00:54:32.962
no, like everything in life can be just,
00:54:34.408 --> 00:54:38.682
rich and i don't know maybe ask me in five years maybe i'll change my mind it'd
00:54:38.682 --> 00:54:45.734
be like oh yeah never mind but i just don't believe that god is like um polite
00:54:45.966 --> 00:54:48.082
always i don't i don't think.
00:54:48.082 --> 00:54:48.632
That's the kind.
00:54:48.632 --> 00:54:49.594
Of love i think about.
00:54:50.128 --> 00:54:54.732
Passion no this is good we do this occasionally because words words can mean
00:54:54.732 --> 00:54:55.852
a lot of different things,
00:54:56.728 --> 00:55:01.952
uh so passion here's there's a lot of definitions i won't read all of them but
00:55:02.252 --> 00:55:06.832
they have them broken down in like different categories so like there's a intense
00:55:06.832 --> 00:55:09.198
romantic affection that's like one,
00:55:10.272 --> 00:55:18.617
one way uh here's uh more like emotions intense driving or over mastering feeling or conviction,
00:55:20.765 --> 00:55:24.596
uh and then there's okay that's pretty much it actually,
00:55:26.262 --> 00:55:30.512
yeah there's there's just those two i mean two categories so basically what
00:55:30.512 --> 00:55:35.552
you're saying is are you saying giving up passion in terms of the like like
00:55:35.552 --> 00:55:38.609
sexual desire as it says here in the,
00:55:47.828 --> 00:55:51.885
that i don't know is more exciting more fun more,
00:55:53.146 --> 00:56:00.337
just to me it's more real but like i i could actually see why people say that
00:56:00.337 --> 00:56:07.287
but i'm i'm i'm where you're at i'm like why the hell would i want to give up the thing that like.
00:56:07.287 --> 00:56:10.927
Drives why would i get recovered yeah it just.
00:56:11.442 --> 00:56:17.197
Doesn't make sense maybe there's an exception for people with like adhd um it's
00:56:17.197 --> 00:56:19.097
like you're gonna kill me you're gonna like.
00:56:19.097 --> 00:56:26.447
Actually kill me i think that i think people don't understand god,
00:56:27.469 --> 00:56:33.927
so like i mean maybe this is like explicit to my faith right but like the height
00:56:33.927 --> 00:56:38.557
of love in my faith is this event called the passion why is it called that why
00:56:38.557 --> 00:56:41.537
isn't it called really terrible death like right,
00:56:42.897 --> 00:56:48.140
it's called passion and um but like also like if you,
00:56:49.877 --> 00:56:57.497
i love cooking i love cooking and i love spending hours like getting a really
00:56:57.497 --> 00:57:01.741
complex recipe and i'll just spend all day like really and,
00:57:02.705 --> 00:57:07.607
you can tell somebody who like made you food with love and they cared about
00:57:07.607 --> 00:57:13.351
what they did yes yeah i think maybe it's the same way with music right like um,
00:57:14.222 --> 00:57:18.197
i've heard that like sometimes music can give us like that spiritual experience
00:57:18.197 --> 00:57:19.730
and like you can really feel it,
00:57:20.194 --> 00:57:23.097
when something moves you deep in your soul i just think it has to do with the
00:57:23.097 --> 00:57:27.567
soul more than it has to do with like what's your sexual flavor you know like
00:57:27.567 --> 00:57:31.357
that's what i think real passion is about is like because you know when somebody
00:57:31.357 --> 00:57:33.760
is like over brimming with joy,
00:57:34.277 --> 00:57:36.071
or um.
00:57:37.927 --> 00:57:41.215
I don't know. I don't even always know what it looks like, but it's like that
00:57:41.215 --> 00:57:44.255
thing that when you see somebody in the rooms and you're like, I want what they have.
00:57:44.464 --> 00:57:51.235
Like that, I think, I don't think it's always like feelings,
00:57:51.235 --> 00:57:54.889
like the way that what you read, you know, the description you read.
00:57:55.267 --> 00:57:58.326
Feelings are kind of shallow and they go away, you know?
00:57:58.918 --> 00:57:59.580
Fleeting.
00:57:59.888 --> 00:58:00.095
Yeah.
00:58:00.795 --> 00:58:06.157
Yeah. So I actually, this is, I'm so impressed with myself.
00:58:06.835 --> 00:58:10.151
I just want to take a moment. Make sure everybody hears me say that.
00:58:11.395 --> 00:58:19.856
I remember what we were talking about before we veered off to the 23rd dimension.
00:58:20.082 --> 00:58:22.236
Which is- I remember, but go ahead.
00:58:22.648 --> 00:58:26.105
Molly, well, yeah. I'm not impressed that you remember. I'm impressed that I
00:58:26.105 --> 00:58:28.315
remember. Okay. Just let me have my moment.
00:58:30.937 --> 00:58:35.215
Molly, you were talking about why you came back after 10 years.
00:58:36.615 --> 00:58:38.890
Okay. Yeah. Okay, so...
00:58:42.188 --> 00:58:47.476
So I'd started in the rooms, but I was not willing. But that time was still
00:58:47.476 --> 00:58:53.543
not wasted. Like I was just formed really deeply by my first sponsor.
00:58:56.567 --> 00:59:01.596
And I had just been broken up with by, you know, I had started in the rooms,
00:59:02.716 --> 00:59:06.756
and then, or no, I had thought, I had figured out I had a problem probably.
00:59:06.756 --> 00:59:09.796
And I just said it one day to my roommate who was recovered.
00:59:10.616 --> 00:59:14.356
So yeah, she was just, this is an important part of the story I forgot.
00:59:14.356 --> 00:59:16.356
I've never seen anybody like her.
00:59:17.236 --> 00:59:20.262
People would just come over to our house and ask her advice.
00:59:20.848 --> 00:59:24.906
And what I was looking at was recovery. And one time she was standing in our
00:59:24.906 --> 00:59:28.650
kitchen and we had this guy that was over painting our house.
00:59:29.149 --> 00:59:33.456
And she's in the kitchen and she's like, oh, I have to start singing.
00:59:33.456 --> 00:59:38.292
And she started singing this old church psalm. And the guy stopped painting.
00:59:38.786 --> 00:59:42.060
And he comes in the room and he's like, he comes in the kitchen and he's like,
00:59:42.629 --> 00:59:45.583
I used to sing that with my family growing up.
00:59:45.879 --> 00:59:50.466
And I haven't been back to church like in years. And then she just sat down
00:59:50.466 --> 00:59:52.462
and told him her whole story.
00:59:53.548 --> 00:59:55.304
And then a year later, I was in church.
00:59:55.314 --> 00:59:57.324
She was a sex, sorry, she was a sexaholic?
00:59:57.324 --> 01:00:01.994
Yeah, alcoholic and sexaholic and a drug addict. So just a triple winner.
01:00:01.994 --> 01:00:03.174
Nice, I can relate.
01:00:03.174 --> 01:00:08.864
Yeah. And a year later, we were at church together and I saw that guy back in
01:00:08.864 --> 01:00:13.304
church. It was nuts. And so I just, she would just change people's lives.
01:00:13.304 --> 01:00:16.127
And what I didn't understand that I was looking at was recovery.
01:00:16.620 --> 01:00:21.574
So I think I was, I was really lucky and blessed to see like that example.
01:00:21.574 --> 01:00:27.377
So, but I just kind of wasted it. I disregarded it. I was too set on like,
01:00:27.836 --> 01:00:33.513
I have all these plans to make myself happy. So eventually that self-will won.
01:00:35.714 --> 01:00:39.234
And for me, recovery, I really saw it as like a burden.
01:00:40.014 --> 01:00:43.074
At the time, it was like something I had to do. So I didn't change my life.
01:00:43.074 --> 01:00:45.059
So I'd be on the phone with her every night.
01:00:46.052 --> 01:00:51.314
And then i was she called me i was the kind of addict that was compliant but
01:00:51.314 --> 01:00:54.347
not recovered so i do all the things yeah,
01:00:54.974 --> 01:01:01.534
but internally i was still like well f you i'm doing what i want that's so me yeah oh my goodness so,
01:01:02.114 --> 01:01:06.804
i um so i'd be on the phone with her and i'd hear all the stuff and then i'd
01:01:06.804 --> 01:01:12.094
hang up and be like sweet i'm gonna do that later and then i'd watch tv or something um Um,
01:01:12.674 --> 01:01:16.134
so I had to move. I moved like 13 times.
01:01:16.494 --> 01:01:20.084
I went to graduate school cause I was like, this will make me happy.
01:01:20.084 --> 01:01:23.371
This, I just need a new career. I need a different job.
01:01:23.800 --> 01:01:26.035
Um, and.
01:01:26.697 --> 01:01:27.336
Did it work?
01:01:27.539 --> 01:01:32.324
No, it was miserable. I had the worst time in graduate school.
01:01:32.324 --> 01:01:36.275
I just like, I'm grateful I did it and I loved it, but that's where I really hit my bottom.
01:01:36.786 --> 01:01:42.904
Um and the thing that got me was the loneliness so i didn't i didn't have like
01:01:42.904 --> 01:01:48.304
a big consequence at the time um because that wouldn't have worked for me i
01:01:48.304 --> 01:01:50.451
would have just like gone to,
01:01:51.194 --> 01:01:55.263
church and prayed and gotten over it like right and um.
01:01:56.290 --> 01:02:00.645
But the loneliness, like that level of despair in my heart, I think at that
01:02:00.645 --> 01:02:05.315
point, it had been like five years that I was not doing so good with friends.
01:02:05.315 --> 01:02:08.575
My friends that I did have were leaving me because I was manic.
01:02:08.575 --> 01:02:14.115
I was like, I would call one friend and I'd just dump my problems on her for
01:02:14.115 --> 01:02:17.955
like three hours on the phone. And, you know, and then I was like,
01:02:17.955 --> 01:02:20.355
why does she want to talk to me anymore?
01:02:20.875 --> 01:02:28.808
You know um and so i moved back to seattle so my last sort of like i'm gonna
01:02:28.994 --> 01:02:32.905
figure this out myself is i moved back i was like i just have to go home i gotta
01:02:32.905 --> 01:02:34.515
move back home so moved back home,
01:02:35.155 --> 01:02:38.835
and it was weird like none of my friends were like available like there was
01:02:38.835 --> 01:02:42.835
just not and now i see it was god right god was like i gotta literally kind
01:02:42.835 --> 01:02:44.946
of put you in this little box or cage
01:02:45.341 --> 01:02:51.953
to get you to pay attention to me because you'll just socially distract yourself forever um,
01:02:52.893 --> 01:02:55.999
and so i got so lonely one night,
01:02:56.626 --> 01:03:02.285
i did it was like eight o'clock at night on a saturday and i just didn't have anybody to see and,
01:03:02.912 --> 01:03:07.605
um i didn't want to go back to my place because i felt like that would just
01:03:07.605 --> 01:03:12.415
be so depressing like i'd just die of despair so the only place i could remember
01:03:12.415 --> 01:03:15.515
that would take me was an uh,
01:03:16.135 --> 01:03:20.615
a 12-step meeting and so i looked it up there was no essay meeting online or
01:03:20.615 --> 01:03:22.213
in person at that time at night.
01:03:23.832 --> 01:03:28.912
So the only place that there was, was a open AA meeting. And so,
01:03:29.928 --> 01:03:33.521
It was in Fremont. It was at this like Fremont. No, no, no. It was in Ballard.
01:03:33.904 --> 01:03:36.685
It was like the Fremont Fellowship Hall, but it had moved to Ballard.
01:03:37.306 --> 01:03:41.144
And so I go to this place and there's like this sketchy alleyway.
01:03:41.144 --> 01:03:45.414
And on the alleyway, there's just like this spray painted arrow that says meeting.
01:03:45.814 --> 01:03:49.484
Like I'm walking down this alley at night and I'm like, I'm either going to
01:03:49.484 --> 01:03:51.981
die or I'm going to get recovered.
01:03:52.230 --> 01:03:56.464
And I go into this meeting, you know, I see the crowd and I'm like,
01:03:56.464 --> 01:03:57.664
That looks like an AA crowd.
01:03:57.664 --> 01:04:01.974
I go into this meeting. There's like 60 to 70 people in this room.
01:04:01.974 --> 01:04:06.714
It is the most fun place I had ever been. I'm not making this up,
01:04:06.714 --> 01:04:10.695
you guys. There's screensavers of fish, giant TVs.
01:04:10.852 --> 01:04:15.164
There's people walking around with buckets. And I mean, literal buckets of ice cream sandwiches.
01:04:15.164 --> 01:04:19.014
And they're just throwing them. There's popcorn. There's coffee, like spaghetti.
01:04:19.014 --> 01:04:26.461
Ready like it was just endless endless like fun and everybody's laughing and smiling and,
01:04:27.284 --> 01:04:31.704
I was just miserable I was like this is this place it's too fun but I also thought
01:04:31.704 --> 01:04:36.934
like this is the kind of recovery I want like somebody had donated the old movie
01:04:36.934 --> 01:04:39.858
theater chairs so there were like these sketched out like,
01:04:40.527 --> 01:04:45.763
early 2000s movie theater chairs and I was like this is what I love and um.
01:04:47.191 --> 01:04:51.739
So there was no place to sit. There was a speaker. And the only place to sit
01:04:51.739 --> 01:04:56.939
was in front of the trash cans because nobody wanted to sit by the trash.
01:04:56.939 --> 01:05:00.740
So I was so depressed that I was like, I'll sit in front of the trash. So I'll sit there.
01:05:01.197 --> 01:05:04.139
And a couple big things happened that really brought me back.
01:05:04.559 --> 01:05:10.039
Um the leader of the meeting saw me he didn't I love this about AA I think that
01:05:10.039 --> 01:05:11.559
this is a big difference for,
01:05:12.145 --> 01:05:16.708
SA and like women coming into the rooms is they know that they have to greet
01:05:16.917 --> 01:05:20.409
that newcomer that newcomer is the most important person because maybe they'll
01:05:20.409 --> 01:05:23.179
leave and they'll go get drunk right or drunk drive and die and so.
01:05:24.499 --> 01:05:28.349
This guy walks like the room was really far away it was like down a ramp around
01:05:28.349 --> 01:05:31.789
the corner and he went and he got me a chair and he carried this chair all the
01:05:31.789 --> 01:05:35.089
way up and he sat it for me in front of the trash and he was like you sit here
01:05:35.089 --> 01:05:38.976
and i was like whoa and um the second meeting actually he made me
01:05:39.243 --> 01:05:43.922
do the money basket in front of everybody and i was so mad because i wanted to hide but i,
01:05:45.119 --> 01:05:51.799
love aas and um the speaker that first night he was like this kind of scraggly
01:05:51.799 --> 01:05:56.009
looking guy and he had just lost everything in the la fires you know those la
01:05:56.009 --> 01:05:58.779
fires that happened one summer his whole house and burned down yeah,
01:05:59.679 --> 01:06:01.559
And his wife was six months pregnant,
01:06:02.819 --> 01:06:04.359
and he was tempted to drink.
01:06:04.359 --> 01:06:08.989
So he called his sponsor because he just lost everything. And his sponsor said
01:06:08.989 --> 01:06:12.489
to him, it sounds like you need a God that's bigger than your problems because
01:06:12.489 --> 01:06:15.761
right now your problems are bigger than your God. So go work on that.
01:06:17.485 --> 01:06:20.985
And I just knew I was home. I was like, this is the kind of spirituality I've
01:06:20.985 --> 01:06:24.025
been looking for. This is why everything, work, grad school,
01:06:24.685 --> 01:06:28.785
even the friends that I had, like trying to force, and I had good friends,
01:06:28.785 --> 01:06:31.115
but like trying to force God out of them.
01:06:32.225 --> 01:06:38.345
Um and so i i just had to go back to that aa meeting and i went back uh a number
01:06:38.345 --> 01:06:40.542
of times and then eventually,
01:06:41.280 --> 01:06:47.875
i got the courage to come to an essay meeting and i was gonna go online because
01:06:47.875 --> 01:06:49.987
i didn't want to do the work i was like afraid of the work,
01:06:51.125 --> 01:06:55.095
and uh same thing i went online and there was a speaker that's not usually there
01:06:55.467 --> 01:06:58.351
this guy that's got amazing like amazing recovery,
01:06:59.082 --> 01:07:03.515
and he saw me and he goes I want to hear from Molly because she's being really
01:07:03.515 --> 01:07:07.725
quiet and he didn't let me get away with hiding and I just started sobbing like
01:07:07.725 --> 01:07:09.914
I just sobbing on this meeting and um
01:07:10.303 --> 01:07:14.305
and I was like I just I just feel like I have to be so tough and I can't be
01:07:14.305 --> 01:07:17.890
tough you know I don't even snot is coming on my face like I don't even think I made sense,
01:07:18.395 --> 01:07:21.757
and um he was so loving and um.
01:07:23.863 --> 01:07:28.373
Yeah, that just started it. And then I guess the last thing is it was very different,
01:07:29.110 --> 01:07:30.847
when I surrendered myself, really.
01:07:31.227 --> 01:07:36.687
It wasn't, it was very like Molly style. Like God knows, it wasn't like the
01:07:36.687 --> 01:07:40.387
sort of controlled suffocating kind of work. I actually, I had this sponsor
01:07:40.387 --> 01:07:44.505
that was Eastern European and she was, I freaking love her. She was so tough.
01:07:44.929 --> 01:07:47.807
She, um, she didn't do a single thing for me.
01:07:48.187 --> 01:07:52.357
She gave me a lot of space and I was like, oh, I have to do it.
01:07:52.357 --> 01:07:56.207
I'm, if I want to be recovered, like, yeah, I'm, she's not going to,
01:07:56.727 --> 01:08:01.112
she's not going to give me anything. And, um, she was so funny too. She was so much fun.
01:08:03.092 --> 01:08:12.025
I don't even know what brought me back, but I knew that I wanted to be recovered more than,
01:08:14.107 --> 01:08:18.567
I was willing to do anything. I was willing to sit in the anxiety and the insanity
01:08:18.567 --> 01:08:21.058
that I felt. I felt crazy during withdrawal.
01:08:24.257 --> 01:08:28.836
Um but i i just didn't want to live the way i was living anymore yeah.
01:08:31.847 --> 01:08:38.659
So that's amazing uh thank you for sharing that i i've heard that story but it's uh you,
01:08:39.762 --> 01:08:43.987
know there's there's something about good essay stories that you just listen
01:08:44.007 --> 01:08:46.907
And then like over and over and you're like, yeah,
01:08:48.527 --> 01:08:48.927
yeah.
01:08:50.065 --> 01:08:51.191
I want to ask you something.
01:08:52.567 --> 01:08:54.167
You keep saying recovered.
01:08:58.562 --> 01:08:59.090
Why?
01:08:59.090 --> 01:09:01.749
Saying recovered? What do you mean? What?
01:09:02.207 --> 01:09:08.308
You keep saying recovered. You don't say recovering. Why is that?
01:09:09.835 --> 01:09:14.050
I don't even know that I'm saying it. I don't know. Honestly.
01:09:14.050 --> 01:09:17.210
I don't know. Well, for context, you did say it.
01:09:18.390 --> 01:09:18.430
Oh.
01:09:21.445 --> 01:09:24.470
I don't know. Sorry. At least I'm getting it.
01:09:27.941 --> 01:09:34.550
I don't know I'm not thinking about it too hard I don't know if I'm fully recovered
01:09:34.550 --> 01:09:41.072
I still get the obsession comes back I don't think I want the old life though so maybe that's what,
01:09:42.604 --> 01:09:44.411
I don't know, Pasha, talk about yourself.
01:09:47.251 --> 01:09:50.491
Okay, no, it's fine. I don't mean to put you on the spot.
01:09:51.903 --> 01:09:56.981
I like recovered. I think it's great. I just wanted to stir the pot and get
01:09:56.981 --> 01:09:58.401
some controversy going here.
01:09:58.401 --> 01:10:02.531
And she did the right thing again by just redirecting it.
01:10:03.491 --> 01:10:07.511
So, Molly, obviously you shared just your journey.
01:10:09.131 --> 01:10:12.331
Could you describe to us what's your recovery like today? Where are you at?
01:10:14.066 --> 01:10:19.175
Yes pasha jr i can describe that okay um okay,
01:10:21.920 --> 01:10:27.311
well i still have a lot of human problems and that's what my first sponsor says
01:10:27.311 --> 01:10:30.901
she's like after the physical she's like yeah after the physical acting out
01:10:30.901 --> 01:10:36.746
is over all that's left is the emotional stuff and i'm a mess so uh,
01:10:38.163 --> 01:10:44.151
um i'm still filled with resentments i'm still um everything's kind of taking
01:10:44.151 --> 01:10:49.980
a turn because i'm in this new place and every time i move like my brain moves um,
01:10:51.130 --> 01:10:55.820
i'm sponsoring sponsoring keeps me sober i love the women that i work with um
01:10:56.174 --> 01:11:00.711
it's teaching me you know i think where i'm at right now is uh,
01:11:01.225 --> 01:11:06.687
wow yeah there's a lot of healing going on so like the relationships in my family especially,
01:11:07.546 --> 01:11:12.161
um with one particular family member is like healing and this particular family
01:11:12.161 --> 01:11:17.525
member we've never had good communication it's always inventory taking it's always accusations,
01:11:18.808 --> 01:11:24.021
um this is kind of a lot of anon stuff like i started like some anon program
01:11:24.021 --> 01:11:29.471
stuff and um it's just the the wisdom in that program is like amazing so there's
01:11:29.471 --> 01:11:31.614
like all this emotional growth because.
01:11:33.198 --> 01:11:34.075
Al-Anon?
01:11:35.178 --> 01:11:39.142
Yeah, I'm also actually, I started recently looking at SNN stuff too.
01:11:39.482 --> 01:11:44.702
I realized that like, every single guy that I've liked and chosen in the past
01:11:44.702 --> 01:11:46.805
has been like an alcoholic or an addict.
01:11:47.101 --> 01:11:51.782
And there's like five in a row that I was like, out of the ones that I was considering
01:11:51.782 --> 01:11:56.282
seriously being with. And so now I'm like, well, that's not normal. That's like a problem.
01:11:56.622 --> 01:11:58.321
Are you thinking that might be a pattern?
01:11:58.426 --> 01:12:05.403
Yeah, I think when I was at grad school, there was thousands of people.
01:12:05.641 --> 01:12:09.592
And there was this one guy and I was, oh, he's mysterious. And he wasn't.
01:12:09.592 --> 01:12:12.922
He was drunk at all the events. He was high.
01:12:13.362 --> 01:12:19.752
That's what it was. And I found him one time on the floor, like with blood all
01:12:19.752 --> 01:12:21.913
over him because he was high on some drug or something.
01:12:22.313 --> 01:12:27.201
And I had two thoughts at the same time. I was like, number one was,
01:12:27.306 --> 01:12:30.442
this is horrifying. This is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen.
01:12:30.442 --> 01:12:33.325
And the second thought was, oh, is this my future husband?
01:12:34.702 --> 01:12:40.392
And just total sexaholic thought and that's when i was like something is wrong
01:12:40.392 --> 01:12:47.102
something's not right like um i think that's something else that got me into recovery uh so um.
01:12:49.636 --> 01:12:54.323
That internal work of stuff is really, really hard. It's really hard to learn
01:12:54.323 --> 01:13:01.060
how to communicate with somebody and not just turn it into my old habits of accusing.
01:13:01.536 --> 01:13:06.767
But it's like I have that relationship back in my life.
01:13:06.929 --> 01:13:11.913
And it's a miracle. Like I would have never been able to live with this person ever.
01:13:11.913 --> 01:13:17.110
And I am. And I don't even know how it's happening. and I think my favorite thing,
01:13:17.785 --> 01:13:21.703
one of my favorite things about recovery is like the acceptance of other people
01:13:21.952 --> 01:13:26.313
because I was pretty judgmental person and really always thought this is how
01:13:26.313 --> 01:13:29.522
everybody should be doing things um,
01:13:30.701 --> 01:13:34.953
I don't know man it's just about love like that sounds cheesy but like learning
01:13:34.953 --> 01:13:38.177
how to love people like um,
01:13:39.843 --> 01:13:43.949
I'm still really petty with my resentments. I still have a lot of anger.
01:13:44.329 --> 01:13:46.117
What do you get often resentful about?
01:13:47.760 --> 01:13:48.799
People.
01:13:48.799 --> 01:13:50.329
I can tell you mine after you tell me yours.
01:13:50.789 --> 01:13:54.175
Just people just not doing what I think they should be doing.
01:13:54.552 --> 01:13:54.909
Yes.
01:13:55.369 --> 01:13:59.614
It's not hard to get me mad, like kind of a little hot tempered over here.
01:13:59.731 --> 01:14:06.725
And I get so frustrated with myself that I'm stuck in petty drama.
01:14:07.376 --> 01:14:10.934
I think actually I think the biggest thing though I'm working on right now is,
01:14:11.456 --> 01:14:14.919
prayer and my relationship with God. So my sponsor is really good.
01:14:14.919 --> 01:14:19.229
She caught it in me. She was like, you've got buried anger and that's what's
01:14:19.229 --> 01:14:22.313
blocking you. And I didn't know that I had this resentment against God.
01:14:22.706 --> 01:14:25.632
And so that was the biggest shift recently is,
01:14:27.913 --> 01:14:31.048
God is probably my biggest resentment. I blamed him.
01:14:32.389 --> 01:14:35.884
Like everything was his fault you know um,
01:14:37.225 --> 01:14:43.858
and i felt like i felt it melt it's still they're still being worked out but i'm still,
01:14:44.735 --> 01:14:48.759
i think i'm still trying to go to everything except god and so i'm trying to
01:14:48.759 --> 01:14:52.809
i realize i got to start praying like really praying and praying from the heart
01:14:52.809 --> 01:14:54.023
you know not just routine,
01:14:54.673 --> 01:14:58.179
so i'd love to hear about your guys's prayer actually that's when i won't been
01:14:58.179 --> 01:15:01.273
wanting to ask that since y'all told me about this podcast,
01:15:02.109 --> 01:15:03.653
yeah like how you pray,
01:15:05.729 --> 01:15:09.089
pasha what's your petty resentment or wait or do we want to talk about prayer
01:15:09.089 --> 01:15:10.629
i don't know there's so many things well there's.
01:15:10.629 --> 01:15:15.769
Also i thought we could bring it full circle okay and go to the monk resentments.
01:15:17.089 --> 01:15:18.829
Yeah bring it back to the beginning.
01:15:20.784 --> 01:15:25.463
Uh we we can talk what what are you more most most what are you most excited about.
01:15:27.226 --> 01:15:28.596
Out of those topics.
01:15:28.730 --> 01:15:29.078
Yeah.
01:15:30.011 --> 01:15:32.138
All of them. I knew it.
01:15:32.381 --> 01:15:33.201
I knew it.
01:15:33.201 --> 01:15:33.827
Yeah.
01:15:34.872 --> 01:15:39.031
Okay. I have something I want to read, but I have to grab the book real quick.
01:15:39.031 --> 01:15:40.752
So Jonathan, do you want to jump in for a second?
01:15:41.633 --> 01:15:45.401
Yeah. Jonathan is jumping in. He's jumping. He's jumping around.
01:15:45.401 --> 01:15:48.564
He's jumping. He hopped a little bit. Jumping.
01:15:49.232 --> 01:15:54.731
Currently on, just picture me in a skate park. I'm jumping around.
01:15:54.731 --> 01:15:57.131
Everybody's skating. Some people are riding their scooters.
01:15:57.811 --> 01:15:59.629
Should we talk about Pasha while he's gone?
01:16:01.611 --> 01:16:01.911
Okay.
01:16:02.391 --> 01:16:08.690
Oh, I should have just pretended like I wasn't here. Okay, I'm not here. Talk about me.
01:16:08.969 --> 01:16:09.951
So Pasha sucks.
01:16:15.772 --> 01:16:19.421
Okay. So this is, I've quoted this book before on the podcast.
01:16:19.421 --> 01:16:24.591
I think it's, gosh, I'm going to read it again. It's really good.
01:16:24.591 --> 01:16:28.433
But it's called The Spirituality of Imperfection.
01:16:30.140 --> 01:16:35.097
And anyway, it has all these little stories, and here's a little story.
01:16:35.898 --> 01:16:40.204
At the Western Wall in Jerusalem, I saw a blind man being led to the wall.
01:16:40.825 --> 01:16:45.141
He felt the stones with his fingertips, applied a gentle kiss to the sacred
01:16:45.141 --> 01:16:47.228
stones, and began speaking to God.
01:16:48.146 --> 01:16:51.478
Although he spoke very rapidly, I could catch some of the words.
01:16:52.250 --> 01:16:57.370
He was relating to God various things that had happened to him and some of his requests.
01:16:58.165 --> 01:17:04.876
At one point, he stopped abruptly. Oh, I'm sorry, he said. I already told you that yesterday.
01:17:05.822 --> 01:17:10.367
The sincerity of the man's prayer was electrifying. He had no doubt,
01:17:10.559 --> 01:17:14.552
whatever, that what he had said yesterday had been heard.
01:17:17.427 --> 01:17:22.592
It's like whoa so for me it's.
01:17:23.832 --> 01:17:30.242
What i wanted to laugh too sorry but it's actually pretty deep it is but but
01:17:30.242 --> 01:17:31.372
but it's it's funny because,
01:17:32.052 --> 01:17:34.942
it's like if posture if you like this here's a different context it'll make
01:17:34.942 --> 01:17:40.610
sense it's like it's like it's like you if you said a joke and you were the first one to laugh,
01:17:41.672 --> 01:17:46.242
it's like you're like reading this profound thing you're like whoa well you guys.
01:17:46.242 --> 01:17:47.282
Were quiet so like.
01:17:47.282 --> 01:17:47.912
I'm like okay.
01:17:47.912 --> 01:17:49.912
You're not gonna react i think it's dope so.
01:17:50.412 --> 01:17:55.852
It was heavy yeah i was just i was still sitting in it and then you just broke
01:17:55.852 --> 01:18:00.412
the silence was going whoa well that took me out of my spiritual cycle making
01:18:00.412 --> 01:18:03.492
me laugh yeah okay i see what happened yeah to me.
01:18:03.492 --> 01:18:05.052
I was like okay you got okay.
01:18:05.392 --> 01:18:06.112
Sometimes you read.
01:18:06.112 --> 01:18:09.442
Something you know when when you have a really deep experience with something
01:18:09.442 --> 01:18:13.932
and then you read it and then sometimes people are like uh-huh you're like okay.
01:18:13.932 --> 01:18:19.292
Well you had to be there you had to be there yeah for sure no no and i think
01:18:19.292 --> 01:18:23.532
it was profound it's just that piece just kind of like because i was still digesting
01:18:23.532 --> 01:18:25.472
it but then that's so me off.
01:18:26.212 --> 01:18:31.472
So to answer i i read that my prayer has actually been a little off i mean like
01:18:31.472 --> 01:18:37.405
prayer is a huge part of my my program always i you know it's funny because
01:18:37.637 --> 01:18:40.551
on the one hand, I'm like anti-religion.
01:18:40.801 --> 01:18:45.607
I mean, not really, but there's that part of me inside that I just like fighting.
01:18:45.915 --> 01:18:49.792
That's why you praying is interesting. That's why it's really interesting.
01:18:50.030 --> 01:18:53.328
That's why me praying is weird to me, but I love prayer.
01:18:53.891 --> 01:18:59.662
I absolutely love prayer. But what that reminded me of yesterday is it kind
01:18:59.662 --> 01:19:03.713
of something that Mike K talks about. Like he's like, I'm always talking to God.
01:19:04.902 --> 01:19:08.859
There's always, that's, that's all I'm doing. Whenever I have time that where
01:19:08.859 --> 01:19:11.595
I'm sitting by myself, I'm praying, I'm talking to God.
01:19:13.621 --> 01:19:20.309
And it's, it's talking to God. Like I would just talk to the closest friend,
01:19:20.309 --> 01:19:25.463
like the most trusted person. And, and I get, you know, I use slang.
01:19:25.742 --> 01:19:33.789
I just be myself I make funny noises I sing I it's the more open and real I
01:19:33.789 --> 01:19:37.478
can be in my prayer like what that that passage was just,
01:19:38.609 --> 01:19:44.519
uh expressing the more powerful my relationship with God becomes and I by reading
01:19:44.519 --> 01:19:49.483
that I realized I had lost some of that lately and it became a bit more routine,
01:19:51.229 --> 01:19:55.990
and i think to me that's a natural it's just it just happens it's kind of like
01:19:56.327 --> 01:20:01.529
drifting in the program you know my sponsor says we all drift it's just about
01:20:01.529 --> 01:20:04.878
catching yourself at the you know as soon as you can.
01:20:05.029 --> 01:20:06.451
Okay i have two questions.
01:20:06.706 --> 01:20:07.179
When you.
01:20:07.179 --> 01:20:11.109
Sit down to pray like your formal i don't know in the morning or whatever do
01:20:11.109 --> 01:20:16.369
you do like a guided meditation or do you just hang out and two i've never heard
01:20:16.369 --> 01:20:19.949
you sing maybe yes let's have pasha.
01:20:19.949 --> 01:20:23.139
Sing or maybe that's just for god you have to do one of them.
01:20:23.139 --> 01:20:24.129
Pasha you have to.
01:20:24.129 --> 01:20:26.109
It's just for god bro well.
01:20:27.389 --> 01:20:29.929
God's on this podcast right now he's like sing pasha.
01:20:33.949 --> 01:20:38.650
Um maybe i'll sing one of the david m songs what's the first question.
01:20:38.795 --> 01:20:42.719
It's when you like sit down in the morning or evening or whatever for your like
01:20:42.719 --> 01:20:48.553
formal prayer time do you do like a guided meditation you just sit there and chill what yeah.
01:20:50.086 --> 01:20:56.559
So there's prayer for me there's meditation the prayer I don't do a lot of formal
01:20:56.559 --> 01:21:01.823
praying the most formal praying I do is in the shower,
01:21:02.614 --> 01:21:08.816
Um, now I used to do that because the showers has, has been historically like
01:21:08.816 --> 01:21:12.337
a very challenging place in terms of my disease.
01:21:12.999 --> 01:21:17.306
And so I would get through it by just running through, I'd be like,
01:21:17.306 --> 01:21:21.906
okay, step, step three prayer, or third step prayer, seven step prayer,
01:21:21.906 --> 01:21:26.896
11 step prayer, uh, serenity prayer, serenity prayer in Russian.
01:21:27.314 --> 01:21:30.882
Uh, and then, uh, you know, the Lord's prayer.
01:21:31.566 --> 01:21:35.606
Uh all right now go back and let's like resentment then start some fears.
01:21:38.066 --> 01:21:39.686
And then lust is like hey pasha,
01:21:42.346 --> 01:21:42.626
what's it.
01:21:42.626 --> 01:21:46.066
Like jonathan yeah can we hear that again.
01:21:47.305 --> 01:21:50.286
Hey pasha no i don't want to hear the voice of lust it's gross.
01:21:50.606 --> 01:21:55.426
Yeah that is gross bro because the second no the first one was like you didn't
01:21:55.426 --> 01:22:00.566
commit so it wasn't gross but the second one you did commit so it It got through and I was like.
01:22:01.066 --> 01:22:02.246
You guys asked.
01:22:02.246 --> 01:22:03.866
I know, it's my fault I asked.
01:22:03.866 --> 01:22:04.746
You totally did.
01:22:04.746 --> 01:22:07.152
You asked. So now I had to double down.
01:22:08.214 --> 01:22:12.856
So my only formal prayer, I guess, in the morning is I wake up and I go through
01:22:12.856 --> 01:22:13.886
steps one, two, and three.
01:22:14.346 --> 01:22:20.106
And, you know, I just kind of recite them in my head, connect to them emotionally.
01:22:20.106 --> 01:22:22.651
And then I do the third step prayer.
01:22:23.163 --> 01:22:27.686
I don't like formal praying. uh i pray like i guess another form of,
01:22:28.386 --> 01:22:33.534
quote-unquote formal prayer i do is like when i surrender i have a more or less,
01:22:34.004 --> 01:22:38.265
you know like i'll say thank you god for reminding me i'm a sexaholic i'm powerless over lust,
01:22:38.822 --> 01:22:40.536
and you know whatever i'm looking
01:22:40.536 --> 01:22:44.070
for in this woman or this you know whoever i'm help me find it in you,
01:22:44.842 --> 01:22:47.486
and sometimes i'll say something funny,
01:22:48.706 --> 01:22:51.666
uh i don't have anything funny to say right this second but i'll you know i'll
01:22:51.666 --> 01:22:57.562
just kind of wing it and throw something out there and uh yeah that that would be a prayer for me.
01:22:58.815 --> 01:23:02.065
What i won't really want to talk about is the meditation because the meditation
01:23:02.065 --> 01:23:09.255
is is so powerful in my experience and is is more like that's the more formal
01:23:09.255 --> 01:23:11.485
part of my program that i i do,
01:23:12.165 --> 01:23:17.797
a meditation every evening i mean you know i missed here and there but every evening i i lay down,
01:23:18.499 --> 01:23:22.395
and it's a combination of different things that i've learned throughout the
01:23:22.395 --> 01:23:27.665
past because i i've been on a spiritual journey before before i gave it all
01:23:27.665 --> 01:23:30.445
up and said forget this i knew god doesn't work,
01:23:31.525 --> 01:23:33.307
um but,
01:23:34.421 --> 01:23:39.425
there's so basically i lay down and i meditate and i focus on the area right
01:23:39.425 --> 01:23:44.098
underneath my nose and i focus on the sensation of the of the breath,
01:23:44.946 --> 01:23:49.561
and inevitably i get distracted by some randomness or whatever,
01:23:50.420 --> 01:23:57.425
i just bring it back to to that sensation and not every time but a lot of the
01:23:57.425 --> 01:24:01.026
times i will feel i'll feel this stillness.
01:24:02.818 --> 01:24:06.507
My mind is, my mind is still, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah,
01:24:06.507 --> 01:24:08.067
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
01:24:08.067 --> 01:24:10.937
blah. Lots of resentment, less resentment, less fear of resentment,
01:24:10.937 --> 01:24:13.436
less fear of resentment, just like spinning.
01:24:13.836 --> 01:24:20.347
But inside I feel still and I feel okay. And I'm almost like smiling at the
01:24:20.347 --> 01:24:21.777
nonsense going on in my head.
01:24:22.358 --> 01:24:24.204
And I feel so close to God.
01:24:24.876 --> 01:24:28.257
And it's just like, I'm sitting with God and God and I are watching a movie
01:24:28.257 --> 01:24:31.267
together. And that movie is the insanity in my brain. And he's like,
01:24:31.267 --> 01:24:36.144
yo, this, this season is getting like dope, bro. Like this is interesting.
01:24:37.027 --> 01:24:42.157
And, uh, another thing that I will do in that meditation, I like,
01:24:42.157 --> 01:24:47.557
I use, uh, I forgot which I think, I think it's a step 11 reflection.
01:24:47.557 --> 01:24:50.360
I always get it confused with step 10, but.
01:24:52.508 --> 01:24:57.097
Um, I don't like doing the formal, like asking myself all the things that I
01:24:57.097 --> 01:25:00.066
did wrong. Cause I tend to just beat myself up.
01:25:00.815 --> 01:25:05.827
So instead, during that time, I will ask God to show me anything that I need
01:25:05.827 --> 01:25:10.817
to know about today that I could have done better or anything that he needs me to see.
01:25:11.740 --> 01:25:15.447
And as I'm kind of observing my thoughts,
01:25:17.498 --> 01:25:20.457
from kind of the outside of myself the best I can, of course,
01:25:20.457 --> 01:25:24.840
I get sucked back into it, but stuff will come up.
01:25:25.073 --> 01:25:28.277
And I'll be like, oh, actually, this is legit.
01:25:28.277 --> 01:25:34.747
It like this was a good reflection about the day and uh yeah sometimes i'll
01:25:34.747 --> 01:25:39.475
do 10 minutes lately i've been doing 20 minutes because it's just like,
01:25:41.087 --> 01:25:52.408
it just feels so good it feels insanely good it's it's like a warm fuzzy blanket that is inside,
01:25:53.987 --> 01:25:57.747
i don't know how to describe that any better that It sounds really weird, but I'm sorry.
01:25:57.827 --> 01:26:01.190
No, I think that's how prayer should feel. Shouldn't feel like a chore.
01:26:03.745 --> 01:26:04.031
Yeah.
01:26:04.935 --> 01:26:05.505
So.
01:26:08.511 --> 01:26:08.901
Yeah.
01:26:09.110 --> 01:26:12.058
What's it like when you sit with somebody you love, you know?
01:26:12.511 --> 01:26:16.958
Like, great. Yeah, I think it should feel like that.
01:26:20.842 --> 01:26:23.330
Jonathan, your turn.
01:26:25.937 --> 01:26:29.764
Prayer, meditation. Yeah, so for me, I do it every morning. It's always like
01:26:29.764 --> 01:26:36.634
the, I'll wake up and right away, I read through the Bible, so I just read literally just one chapter.
01:26:36.634 --> 01:26:37.674
That's an outside issue, bro.
01:26:37.694 --> 01:26:40.994
Yeah, thank God we're in the outside issue podcast.
01:26:44.124 --> 01:26:47.214
Yeah, so I read through that and then right away just start praying.
01:26:47.554 --> 01:26:54.514
I have my sort of structure for prayer. It's not like a sort of like you need to do it this way.
01:26:55.014 --> 01:26:58.694
It's developed over time, but it's just hitting a few things.
01:27:00.238 --> 01:27:04.414
And it's interesting because one of them I won't go into too much detail About
01:27:04.414 --> 01:27:06.960
all of them But one of them was really helpful I had a,
01:27:08.040 --> 01:27:13.892
spiritual leader mentor Who mentioned starting prayer With adoration is big
01:27:14.031 --> 01:27:20.073
Because for example For me personally Some of the words or verbiage I use is You know.
01:27:21.954 --> 01:27:24.994
God you're almighty God you're the creator of the heavens and the earth,
01:27:25.854 --> 01:27:30.014
You're the first and the last No one before you, no one after you I'll just start,
01:27:30.694 --> 01:27:35.394
naming these attributes of God And I think it's helpful Because that sets the
01:27:35.394 --> 01:27:42.439
foundation for me To eventually go into gratitude And name specific things And eventually for me Um,
01:27:44.216 --> 01:27:49.886
is like, and I know that this is different both from essay as well as from the
01:27:49.886 --> 01:27:53.881
big book, because it just talks about, you know, not praying for yourselves, other people.
01:27:54.403 --> 01:28:02.056
I, I, I take the, my, this is where I let my faith tradition take more precedence
01:28:02.056 --> 01:28:06.586
over what the big book says, mainly because I know that God wants a relationship
01:28:06.586 --> 01:28:08.457
with me. So I'll bring my prayers and petitions.
01:28:08.631 --> 01:28:11.756
And, and so I think the helpful thing about saying, Hey God,
01:28:11.756 --> 01:28:15.016
you know, you're creator, but heavens and the earth, king of kings,
01:28:15.016 --> 01:28:16.137
lord of lords, all these things.
01:28:16.671 --> 01:28:20.699
I now know who I'm speaking to when I'm engaging with God.
01:28:21.297 --> 01:28:24.636
And whereas in the past, I mean, I think a lot of fear, anxiety,
01:28:24.636 --> 01:28:28.344
worry, things like that would prop up mainly because I'm like, God, like.
01:28:30.846 --> 01:28:35.256
If you can, or like, or I don't know if you can't, like there's just sometimes
01:28:35.256 --> 01:28:36.906
doubt or things like that would happen.
01:28:37.266 --> 01:28:41.666
And, um, so I think just having that, I think always just reminds me,
01:28:41.686 --> 01:28:44.326
He's like, even if he doesn't answer my prayers or whatever they are,
01:28:46.943 --> 01:28:50.426
he's got everything in the palm of his hands. And I think it's just super comforting for me.
01:28:50.832 --> 01:28:55.326
Now, one of the things that, you know, when I can, life's looked very different
01:28:55.326 --> 01:28:59.786
since having a baby. But when I can go walk and pray, which I think is really helpful.
01:29:00.906 --> 01:29:05.566
Yeah. Walking prayers is super helpful. Mainly because like.
01:29:06.935 --> 01:29:10.782
I realize when I start praying, eventually God for me personally just brings
01:29:10.782 --> 01:29:14.272
up like similar to what Pasha mentioned about the step 11 review.
01:29:14.754 --> 01:29:17.922
I don't do a formal thing, but God will prompt me and be like,
01:29:17.922 --> 01:29:22.832
hey, you remember how you talked to your wife? Or do you remember that person or this or that?
01:29:23.272 --> 01:29:27.842
And I'm like, oh, no, like this is supposed to be a peaceful time.
01:29:27.842 --> 01:29:30.682
This is not time for you to bring all this stuff up.
01:29:30.682 --> 01:29:35.082
But luckily for me with God, like it is a super gentle nudge.
01:29:35.082 --> 01:29:39.462
It's like, Hey, like, you know, this, and eventually I just go through my own
01:29:39.462 --> 01:29:43.952
process of like realizing, okay, yeah, what I said was wrong or hurtful or not
01:29:43.952 --> 01:29:47.242
helpful, all these things. And eventually from after that is like,
01:29:47.242 --> 01:29:49.681
okay, here's the action. Here's what I need to do now.
01:29:50.889 --> 01:29:51.841
The.
01:29:53.187 --> 01:29:57.122
The timeline between like that being said and me taking the action sometimes
01:29:57.122 --> 01:30:00.492
could be, you know, if it's my wife, it could be when she wakes up.
01:30:00.492 --> 01:30:04.449
Sometimes I could be really fearful or want to hold on a little bit longer. It could be days.
01:30:05.452 --> 01:30:09.112
But luckily, God reminds me and brings these things up because I just know for
01:30:09.112 --> 01:30:14.531
me, as those disturbances will impact me, especially to my recovery, sobriety, all that.
01:30:15.221 --> 01:30:19.612
And, um, but still every now and then I still want to hold on and,
01:30:19.952 --> 01:30:22.642
and try to feel powerful or whatever that is.
01:30:22.642 --> 01:30:27.712
Um, even though, especially too with resentments, it's like drinking poison,
01:30:27.712 --> 01:30:29.202
expecting the other person to die.
01:30:29.202 --> 01:30:32.872
And so luckily eventually God does get through and then I take the action and,
01:30:33.392 --> 01:30:38.402
um, yeah, so that's my process there. The, the, the big kind of light bulb for
01:30:38.402 --> 01:30:44.032
me lately, and I shared it in a meeting yesterday, was I realized I've done a lot of talking lately.
01:30:44.492 --> 01:30:48.882
One, that's part of it. And then the other part is I just fill up my life with
01:30:48.882 --> 01:30:52.792
a lot of noise. Like I listen to music or I'll listen to podcasts or I'll watch it.
01:30:52.812 --> 01:30:56.112
I'll listen to a video behind the scenes if I'm doing work. Like just there's
01:30:56.112 --> 01:30:57.552
always something going.
01:30:58.160 --> 01:31:01.086
And I remember my wife asking me saying, hey, like, you know,
01:31:01.382 --> 01:31:04.612
do you ever have any like time for like quiet? Like, is it ever?
01:31:04.612 --> 01:31:06.292
And I'm like, I don't think so.
01:31:07.132 --> 01:31:10.722
So, and even so much to say, like, I don't think there's any part of my day,
01:31:10.722 --> 01:31:13.171
including my sleep, because we sleep with the sound machine.
01:31:13.676 --> 01:31:18.002
And so there's just never silence in my life. And I, you know,
01:31:18.002 --> 01:31:22.302
one of the spiritual disciplines for me that I used to do, I think early 2020,
01:31:22.941 --> 01:31:26.682
was silence and solitude, which is a form of meditation.
01:31:26.682 --> 01:31:30.362
And I think that was really convicting yesterday because we were talking about
01:31:30.362 --> 01:31:34.532
step 11, which I think anytime I hear a topic about God, I always just reflect
01:31:34.532 --> 01:31:36.060
on, okay, what is it that I need to do? and.
01:31:37.199 --> 01:31:40.703
Yeah. So that came up and I'm just like, man, God, I mean, yes,
01:31:40.703 --> 01:31:45.283
I have a lot of things to say in certain cases, but I'm kind of like,
01:31:45.283 --> 01:31:46.583
I'm kind of tired of hearing myself.
01:31:46.943 --> 01:31:51.282
And so I'm like, Hey, how do I just create more margin to just hear what God has to say?
01:31:51.880 --> 01:31:55.533
And sometimes it is through other people which i mentioned in the fellowship
01:31:55.533 --> 01:32:00.390
like i'll hear god's voice all the time through all of you um sometimes i do feel like this,
01:32:01.051 --> 01:32:06.083
um this little gut feeling this i just feel like there is an internal monologue
01:32:06.083 --> 01:32:10.273
that's happening or dialogue that eventually just prompts me like okay like
01:32:10.273 --> 01:32:12.383
that sounds like god and um,
01:32:13.283 --> 01:32:15.543
and so my thing is just trying to figure out okay what is that,
01:32:16.770 --> 01:32:19.943
because the meditation pieces i would say now is the one I struggle with the most,
01:32:20.703 --> 01:32:24.763
um, for a lot of reasons, but it's just, Hey, I do believe that God has a lot
01:32:24.763 --> 01:32:31.543
to say and show me, and I just need to, but I need to be willing to create the, the, the avenue for it.
01:32:31.543 --> 01:32:35.703
Cause otherwise I'm just constantly filling my mind with a lot of stuff.
01:32:36.223 --> 01:32:40.066
And, um, yeah, so that's, that's my journey as of today.
01:32:41.145 --> 01:32:41.523
Yeah.
01:32:43.374 --> 01:32:47.682
Molly, what about you? How do you pray?
01:32:48.779 --> 01:32:58.456
I think I thought I knew how to pray. To me, it's just like a real intimate dialogue. But,
01:33:01.143 --> 01:33:05.213
You know, my first sponsor's favorite story in the back of the big book was
01:33:05.213 --> 01:33:07.279
a story of the man who mastered fear.
01:33:08.028 --> 01:33:12.979
And I just like didn't really read it for a long time. And I recently read it.
01:33:13.931 --> 01:33:18.871
And it's like one of my favorite stories. It's like the guy can't even leave his house. and,
01:33:20.885 --> 01:33:27.079
i love uh the guy is talking to dr bob and it says,
01:33:27.967 --> 01:33:33.673
on page 250 dr bob dwelt at length on how prayer had given him release time
01:33:33.673 --> 01:33:37.505
and time again from nearly overpowering compulsion to take a drink um,
01:33:38.923 --> 01:33:42.483
the power greater than myself blah blah could help in the crisis of his life
01:33:42.483 --> 01:33:47.454
and And that the means of communicating with this power was simple prayer. Basically.
01:33:49.943 --> 01:33:56.516
It's all about prayer. It says nothing had changed and yet everything had changed. How...
01:33:58.431 --> 01:34:05.360
Basically, sometimes for me, sometimes the resentment work doesn't always work.
01:34:06.040 --> 01:34:11.160
It does, but then I'm just like, okay, it doesn't go away. And I'm convinced
01:34:11.160 --> 01:34:15.345
more and more that the next thing I need to do is just prayer.
01:34:16.170 --> 01:34:21.870
Um and i just i don't know i'm so tired of going to other things that are not
01:34:21.870 --> 01:34:25.870
god and not believing that god is like because i think for me one of the main
01:34:26.270 --> 01:34:29.962
things i believe about god is that he's abundance it's abundance,
01:34:30.410 --> 01:34:34.610
like you know i always live with this sort of scarcity like there's not gonna
01:34:34.610 --> 01:34:37.961
be enough and so i need to hoard all this stuff for myself,
01:34:38.524 --> 01:34:43.460
and um it's like what if there was like so much goodness you that you were just
01:34:43.460 --> 01:34:47.820
overpowered I mean honestly I think that's what we're all looking for in the
01:34:47.820 --> 01:34:49.460
experience of the big fix,
01:34:50.000 --> 01:34:54.550
as Roy K calls it you know when we're acting out that's what we want like it's
01:34:54.550 --> 01:34:58.810
like I don't really want control I want to be overwhelmed and I think well can
01:34:58.810 --> 01:35:02.117
God handle that like yes he can um.
01:35:03.840 --> 01:35:06.840
Otherwise I don't want it if that's not God um,
01:35:08.339 --> 01:35:14.010
and so i have a hard time sitting quietly on a practical note so it's not it's
01:35:14.010 --> 01:35:16.518
a fight but i think there's this other,
01:35:17.132 --> 01:35:21.610
i love i had this friend who like there's this other story in my faith about
01:35:21.610 --> 01:35:23.941
this guy who wrestles with god,
01:35:24.639 --> 01:35:28.528
and god like 100 wins but um.
01:35:30.593 --> 01:35:36.040
I just i love that god can handle us I love that so much I just like he's he's
01:35:36.040 --> 01:35:39.420
my faves actually he's not a lot of the days though but um,
01:35:43.435 --> 01:35:46.674
Yeah. I got to work on the discipline a bit more.
01:35:48.607 --> 01:35:53.293
I like what you said about, you know, sometimes I do the four-step or the inventory
01:35:53.293 --> 01:35:56.496
work and it just still doesn't go away.
01:35:57.976 --> 01:36:02.303
And it's the same book that I've been reading that I quoted earlier.
01:36:02.663 --> 01:36:08.453
I won't quote it, but the idea is that the opposite of resentment is forgiveness.
01:36:10.293 --> 01:36:16.638
And forgiveness cannot be commanded wow yeah.
01:36:19.128 --> 01:36:23.837
So I can't just choose forgiveness.
01:36:26.054 --> 01:36:29.682
I can choose prayer. I can choose action.
01:36:31.243 --> 01:36:36.857
But to a certain extent, I mean, I don't know exactly how to put what I'm reading
01:36:36.857 --> 01:36:39.051
here in the context of 12th Step.
01:36:39.544 --> 01:36:46.917
So I'm going to mix things a little bit. but i think the way that i experience it is,
01:36:48.237 --> 01:36:52.957
i do the inventory if i need to i don't always need to sometimes i can let go
01:36:52.957 --> 01:37:00.448
without that but i'll do the inventory if i need to and if i'm still reeling,
01:37:02.421 --> 01:37:09.607
i i have to just like let go focus on something else give and by giving it over
01:37:09.607 --> 01:37:14.847
sometimes i don't like when people say give it over i think because historically
01:37:14.847 --> 01:37:16.672
i never understood what that meant.
01:37:18.808 --> 01:37:26.797
But so when i say give it over i mean i trust that i don't need to do anything
01:37:26.797 --> 01:37:31.655
about it like meaning i did the inventory i shared it with my sponsor or somebody else,
01:37:33.338 --> 01:37:38.337
you know i i asked if i needed to make amends doesn't sound like i need to make
01:37:38.337 --> 01:37:42.818
amends i'm still holding on to it there's nothing I can do,
01:37:44.820 --> 01:37:50.617
except for take the next right action which is probably not related to the thing
01:37:50.617 --> 01:37:52.309
because I want to obsess about it.
01:37:56.842 --> 01:38:04.039
And so the giving it over is the trust that, hey, God's going to take care of it. My work is done.
01:38:05.554 --> 01:38:10.831
And now I just need to go and be the best version of myself that I can be. And that's it.
01:38:11.423 --> 01:38:15.945
They trust. I can tell you about my monk resentment.
01:38:16.085 --> 01:38:16.550
Yes.
01:38:16.550 --> 01:38:21.193
What happened with that because it's along the lines of what you said. Okay, so...
01:38:22.881 --> 01:38:27.497
In my faith, there are these kinds of particular kinds of monks,
01:38:27.497 --> 01:38:30.486
not just all monks. It's like a particular group.
01:38:30.834 --> 01:38:34.947
And I was pissed at them because I thought they were a bunch of intellectual
01:38:34.947 --> 01:38:38.707
snobs and I'd had some like snobby interactions with them and I was mad.
01:38:39.287 --> 01:38:42.807
And so it was they're on my resentment list. But like I was like,
01:38:42.807 --> 01:38:45.167
they just think they're better than everybody else.
01:38:45.167 --> 01:38:51.697
But it was not an important enough resentment to like to do anything about,
01:38:51.697 --> 01:38:54.477
you know, it was low on the list. It was like I knew it was petty.
01:38:54.477 --> 01:38:57.299
I knew it was stupid. I don't really see these guys like every day.
01:38:57.502 --> 01:39:00.297
So one day, this just amazes me.
01:39:00.297 --> 01:39:06.847
I'm in church, and one of those monks is up there preaching the homily.
01:39:06.847 --> 01:39:13.529
And I'm like, whatever. But something about this guy, he was so humble,
01:39:13.970 --> 01:39:20.755
and there was nothing really fancy about him. He was kind of like a scrawny kid and is pretty young.
01:39:20.964 --> 01:39:26.257
And he asked this question that I'd like always wondered in my face.
01:39:26.257 --> 01:39:29.044
And so I like I was like, oh, like, that's interesting. Like,
01:39:29.271 --> 01:39:31.716
so I started paying attention to what he was saying.
01:39:32.435 --> 01:39:39.807
And I don't know what he said was so filled with humility and like littleness.
01:39:39.807 --> 01:39:45.187
And I just he was so honest and kind of like pure hearted, like that absolute
01:39:45.187 --> 01:39:46.513
purity, that principle.
01:39:46.994 --> 01:39:51.208
And something I don't know how to describe it something in my heart like melted,
01:39:51.905 --> 01:39:57.327
and I just started like crying like sobbing and the resentment like went away
01:39:57.327 --> 01:40:02.987
it just was gone and I wasn't even looking to get rid of it and it was like this.
01:40:04.087 --> 01:40:09.177
Huge weight was lifted yeah I just didn't even try and like I remember praying
01:40:09.177 --> 01:40:12.737
in my heart I was like I get it God like these resentments are killing me,
01:40:13.248 --> 01:40:17.457
and they're so heavy and i don't ever you know my first sponsor used to say
01:40:17.457 --> 01:40:20.007
like we walk around and people think that,
01:40:21.047 --> 01:40:26.769
their personality like these things are their personality but they're not uh until they're gone and,
01:40:27.942 --> 01:40:32.009
And I just prayed. I was like, please get rid of all my resentments.
01:40:32.009 --> 01:40:35.059
I don't ever want to have these resentments like ever again.
01:40:35.059 --> 01:40:39.159
And I've had two experiences. That's the second experience that I've had like
01:40:39.159 --> 01:40:43.169
that, where the most powerful removal of my resentments were the ones that I
01:40:43.169 --> 01:40:45.676
wasn't even looking for. God just like did it.
01:40:46.013 --> 01:40:49.329
Yeah. I don't know how to explain it. like yeah that's.
01:40:49.329 --> 01:40:53.153
Awesome that's awesome,
01:40:54.469 --> 01:40:58.859
well I mean we I'm glad that we were able to go full circle because I knew that
01:40:58.859 --> 01:41:02.559
that's where we started and that's where you know we'll definitely end with
01:41:02.559 --> 01:41:09.049
that story and as we get to close out today but any,
01:41:10.169 --> 01:41:16.621
before we have you do a program per your choice Molly any final thoughts based on what we covered today.
01:41:17.249 --> 01:41:18.920
Or anything you want to say to anybody.
01:41:19.436 --> 01:41:25.189
Oh i do i want to say this thing i heard in an open aa meeting that made me
01:41:25.189 --> 01:41:29.049
cry that brought me back to the room so i was loved it was like this this
01:41:29.363 --> 01:41:32.889
same thing this kind of kid that i was judging said this and it broke me he
01:41:32.889 --> 01:41:35.783
had he had like 13 years of sobriety or nine or something,
01:41:36.904 --> 01:41:41.199
um if anybody is new or coming back there's a room full of people willing to
01:41:41.199 --> 01:41:44.729
help all you got to do is put your hand up and tell us what the problem is and
01:41:44.729 --> 01:41:46.070
we'll help you work through that problem
01:41:46.488 --> 01:41:52.020
and if nobody's told you yet today i love you and remember that just for today you are enough,
01:41:53.696 --> 01:41:55.669
thanks for letting me be of service guys.
01:41:56.029 --> 01:42:00.413
Amen amen do you want to close us out in a program prayer of your choice.
01:42:00.976 --> 01:42:05.347
Yeah let's say uh the prayer that they used to say at dr bob's house,
01:42:07.582 --> 01:42:11.610
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
01:42:12.139 --> 01:42:15.639
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
01:42:16.394 --> 01:42:19.842
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,
01:42:20.312 --> 01:42:22.535
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
01:42:22.942 --> 01:42:27.052
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
01:42:27.731 --> 01:42:30.610
Amen. Keep coming back.
01:42:32.431 --> 01:42:34.917
Don't smoke no crackle.
01:42:35.254 --> 01:42:37.481
Yeah. Thanks, guys. Is that what it was? this is a lot of.
01:42:37.481 --> 01:42:41.791
Fun so so hopefully hopefully now you have a feel of what the pod's like if
01:42:41.791 --> 01:42:46.760
you know any women essay molly we would appreciate an intro we'd love to have
01:42:46.911 --> 01:42:49.311
no not men i'm over those guys,
01:42:50.331 --> 01:42:57.751
um you're looking for guests yeah always always looking to to expand the people
01:42:57.751 --> 01:42:59.631
that we talk to you should have beata.
01:42:59.631 --> 01:43:02.921
On from eastern europe connect us.
01:43:02.921 --> 01:43:04.361
Yeah connect us I will.
01:43:04.361 --> 01:43:06.461
She's super funny. She's so funny.
01:43:06.461 --> 01:43:07.931
Yes. We love funny.
01:43:09.191 --> 01:43:09.764
We love it all.
01:43:09.977 --> 01:43:11.272
She's from Slovakia.
01:43:11.585 --> 01:43:12.051
Oh, cool.
01:43:14.451 --> 01:43:17.391
And for those of you listening, if you have any questions, comments,
01:43:17.711 --> 01:43:22.921
critiques, complaints, rebukes, all that, email us at sexdrunkspodcasts at gmail.com,
01:43:22.921 --> 01:43:29.001
as well as, I don't think we have an official way, Pasha, yet to support the show or to donate.
01:43:29.001 --> 01:43:34.831
On that but sexdrunks.com is now up and you can look at how beautiful and still
01:43:34.831 --> 01:43:37.531
in progress it is yep still in progress but.
01:43:37.531 --> 01:43:40.146
Hopefully yeah we can have an avenue for that.
01:43:41.071 --> 01:43:44.297
Any women who need help they can reach out they just reach out through that
01:43:44.418 --> 01:43:48.634
contact and um yeah i'd be willing and happy to talk to you.
01:43:49.073 --> 01:43:50.129
Through what contact.
01:43:50.309 --> 01:43:51.151
The one you just said.
01:43:51.591 --> 01:43:56.526
Okay yeah so email us yes and molly's happy to help that's great that's awesome,
01:43:57.327 --> 01:44:00.731
that's great all right y'all uh molly stick around for a little bit afterwards
01:44:00.731 --> 01:44:04.660
uh we gotta get this recording uploaded but uh we'll catch you in the next one.
01:44:05.409 --> 01:44:06.367
Peace peace peace.