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Stop negotiating with reality, because there's only one reality and it doesn't talk back to you.
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So negotiating with reality is a waste of time.
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It means you stop demanding that the past change before you permit yourself to build a better future, because the past is not going to change.
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Let's give an example.
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This is gnarly, guys.
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What happened to you?
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You were driving home one night.
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Another car crossed into your lane.
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You remember the impact.
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Remember the hospital lights.
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And eventually the doctor is sitting beside your bed with the kind of expression doctors only use when they're about to divide your life into the before and after part of your life.
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Turns out your spinal cord was severely damaged.
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With current medical technology, they have no realistic way to restore your ability to walk.
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You might use a wheelchair for the rest of your life, or at the very least for the next 10 to 15 years until cybernetics catches up.
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A long time.
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This year, next year, the year after, you're wheelchair-bound.
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And now your mind refuses to leave the accident.
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You keep imagining what would have happened if you had left five minutes earlier or five minutes later that night.
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If you'd have taken another road or reacted half a second faster to pull your car away.
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You wake up every morning and for a few confused seconds expect to get out of bed like you always did.
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And then reality arrives again.
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You aren't just grieving the use of your legs.
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You're grieving the life you expected to have or you expected to have legs.
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And some part of your mind keeps insisting, this cannot be my life.
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This wasn't supposed to happen.
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And here's the technique to make this less painful.
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Not zero, but less.
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Stop negotiating with reality.
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It is otherwise called radical acceptance.
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In simple terms, it means deliberately acknowledging what is already true.
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It does not mean that you like what has happened.
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It does not mean approving of it.
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It does not mean pretending that it isn't horrifying or giving up on making your life better.
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It means you stop demanding that the past change before you permit yourself to build a better future because the past is not going to change.
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How do you apply something like this?
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You can begin by stating the reality in plain emotionally neutral language.
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I was severely injured.
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I wish more than anything that this had not happened.
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With current medicine, I am unlikely to walk again in the foreseeable future.
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This is the body I must build my next life around, my this life around.
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Notice that last part.
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You must build your life around this fact.
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You do not have to build your entire identity out of it.
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But that fact is stained.
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Next, separate the pain you cannot avoid from the suffering that your mind keeps trying to add.
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The unavoidable pain includes losing mobility, losing independence, having some physical experiences you won't have again, not going to run on the beach for a while, and plans you may have had.
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You were going to go to Europe, and now that's not a thing.
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The pain is real, and it deserves to be grieved.
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But your mind wants to add another layer.
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This shouldn't have happened.
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I can't have a worthwhile life now.
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I need my old body back before I can be happy again.
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That little contingency is a real nasty one.
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The first layer is tragedy.
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The second layer is your brain repeatedly trying to renegotiate a contract that reality has already signed, sealed, delivered.
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There is no arguing with reality.
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You can't use your legs.
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Any thought that includes I wish or I could have or I should have is dead on arrival.
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So you can make three lists.
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First, what is true now and cannot presently be changed.
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Second, what you have lost and need time to grieve.
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It's okay to grieve.
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Third, everything that remains within your influence.
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You can have a say in rehab, upper body independence, pain management, career, relationships, adaptive sports, accessibility, no longer having to compete with folks on physical grounds or height.
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Like you used to be worried about how tall you are.
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Not anymore, pimp.
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You're in a wheelchair.
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No worries.
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and having so much more time potentially to do amazing intellectual work and consume amazing media and have amazing conversations with people, that's unaltered.
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Whenever your mind drags you back into an imaginary courtroom to prosecute reality again, you calmly return to the third list of shit you could still be doing and get on it.
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The truth is not that everything is okay.
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The truth is this happened, it was terrible,
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And I still have moves.
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I have lots of moves.
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Three do's and don'ts here.
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Don't confuse acceptance with approval.
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You can hate what happened and still acknowledge that it actually happened.
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Do state the smallest accurate version of the truth out loud.
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I wish this were different, but right now this is real.
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I cannot use my legs.
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Just like that.
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Don't spend every day replaying the exact moment when the past supposedly could have changed.
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That is gone.
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Do divide your situation to what is fixed, what may change later, and what you can influence today.
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I can't use my legs.
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Maybe in the future I'll be able to, probably, but what can I do today?
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I can be productive without the use of my legs so that when I do finally get my legs back in cybernetic revolution of 2034, I'll be a famous millionaire or some shit because I used my time appropriately.
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Podcasting sure as shit does not need you to be not wheelchair-bound.
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Don't demand that your grief disappear before you begin rebuilding.
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That's insane.
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That's not how that works.
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But you can do grieve and rebuild at the same time.
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Human beings are capable of carrying sorrow in one hand and tools in the other.
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Yeah, you're upset.
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Do your best.
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And believe it or not, one of the really crazy insights from happiness research is after a few months, you get so used to your new state that you can have amazing, awesome experiences and be genuinely happy.
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Number two way to deal with bad stuff happening is to separate the fact from the story.
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Here's a situation.
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Hypothetical.
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Your group of friends has slowly stopped inviting you to places.
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At first, you assumed it was accidental.
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Then you saw pictures from parties nobody mentioned to you.
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Messages in the group chat went unanswered.
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Finally, one of them told you directly that they had decided they didn't want you around anymore.
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Their explanation was that you had become too focused on school and work.
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They said your ambition made them feel like you thought you were better than them.
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Even if you didn't explicitly say so, they still felt like that.
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Now the rejection is echoing through your head, of course.
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You're rereading old conversations, wondering whether every joke was secretly contempt on their part, and every delayed response was evidence that they had hated you for months.
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Because like if people abandon you, you kind of like want to abandon them first.
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So you look back and you're like, I didn't notice people hated me.
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Wow, this is tough.
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You wonder also how you presented yourself.
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Like you really presented yourself like a better than person.
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You start reading texts and be like, that was egotistical.
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That was cocky.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God.
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I can't believe I said that.
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And you start thinking how you can prevent this in the future.
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And your brain does this thing where it's expanded one group's decision into a global diagnosis.
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Something like, I'm socially defective.
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My ambition makes people hate me.
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Everyone eventually gets sick of me.
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Maybe I really am an arrogant asshole.
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The technique here is to separate the event from the story that you tell about the event.
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It's to distinguish what happened from what your mind says that means, because your mind's not always right about that.
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Oftentimes it's not.
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Events are often painful but limited.
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Your interpretation can expand one painful event until it appears to describe your entire personality, your future, your value as a human being.
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Accept the fact of what happened, but you can investigate the interpretation.
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The smallest fact you must accept is, about this particular example, these particular people have ended their friendship with me.
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That hurts.
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But it does not automatically establish that you are unlovable, arrogant, socially defective, or destined to be abandoned by every future friend, because that's how your brain starts thinking about it.
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If it's these guys today, it'll be my next friend group tomorrow.
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Now you have to separate their decision from their explanation.
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Their explanation may contain useful information.
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Perhaps you have been dismissive.
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Maybe you talk constantly about productivity and subtly treat leisure like a character defect.
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If several trustworthy people independently tell you the same thing, there could be something worth changing.
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But there's another way to look at it.
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Their explanation could also reflect their insecurity.
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Your ambition may remind them of goals they're neglecting.
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Like if you're friends with the kind of loser stoner crowd in school and they say you're too ambitious, that's the biggest compliment you'll ever get in your life.
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And excluding you may be easier than confronting the discomfort they have with their own lack of work effort.
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The most annoying possibility as usual is that both things are partly true.
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You may sometimes act superior and they may also resent you for progressing.
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It might help for you to write two columns down.
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In the first place, only observable facts.
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They stopped inviting me.
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They said we no longer want you around.
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They said my focus on achievement makes them feel judged.
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In the second, write the story your wounded brain is generating.
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Nobody likes me.
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My ambition makes me a bad person.
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I'll never have real friends again.
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Then challenge every single statement in the second column.
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You don't have to challenge the first because those are true statements.
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Those are facts.
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The second column is not facts.
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That's your feelings about the shit.
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What evidence supports it?
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Really?
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Nobody likes you?
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Get out of here.
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You don't mean that.
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You're just having a lot of feeling.
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You'll never have real friends again.
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Really?
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Would you put money on that?
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Would you put $10 million on that?
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No, you wouldn't.
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You'd be nuts.
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You'd be like, oh, no, I'm probably going to make friends.
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I don't want to lose $10 million.
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That's crazy.
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What evidence supports it?
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What evidence contradicts it?
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Is it universally true or is it just merely being emotional?
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Accepting their decision lets you stop begging for admission to a social group that has already voted, but questioning the larger story you tell yourself lets you learn from the rejection without allowing five irritated people to write your permanent psychological biography, something nobody can do for you.
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You'll likely become less of an egocentric dick because of this, which is great, and you'll likely make friends in the future that aren't degenerate losers that can't handle success in their midst.
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A lot of the friends you lose in life, man, it's good riddance in many cases.
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So when you're going about this yourself, don't turn these people rejected me or your own equivalent into all people reject me.
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Do describe every event as narrowly and precisely as possible.
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You want to get to understand what happened.
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You don't just want to ignore it.
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Don't automatically dismiss all criticism because it came from people who hurt you.
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They can have valid criticism.
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Do ask whether credible people in different contexts have independently given you similar feedback, because the answer could be no, or the answer could be yes.
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Don't assume that several people agreeing makes their interpretation objectively true.
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Groups can coordinate around nonsense with magnificent efficiency.
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Groupthink's a real thing.
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Do extract whatever lesson is useful
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correct your behavior as needed, and then seek friends whose values fit the person you are becoming.
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Becoming, not already.
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Number three, in tough situations, try to move toward the truth that you are avoiding.
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Here's a hypothetical.
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For years, you've talked about attending one particular college.
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Your parents bought the sweatshirt.
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Your dad has basically been telling everyone he knows that your acceptance letter is just a formality at this point because you were so confident you didn't apply anywhere else.
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Then the email arrived.
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You opened it, saw the words, we regret to inform you dot, dot, dot, and closed your laptop.
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You haven't told anyone.
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Your parents keep asking whether decisions have been released, and you keep inventing reasons why the process may be delayed.
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Every time your dad mentions the school, which he does a lot, your stomach drops.
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You're not just afraid of disappointing your parents.
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You're ashamed that you were rejected, ashamed that you applied nowhere else, and increasingly ashamed that you're lying about it by omission.
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The rejection hurt once, and it had to, for sure.
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Avoiding it now is hurting you every hour.
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What's the technique?
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Take one voluntary dose of reality.
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When people are afraid of a painful truth, they often avoid looking at it or saying it or telling anybody about it.
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That provides a little bit of relief right now, but keeps the fear alive and keeps it mangling you.
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The technique here is deliberate exposure.
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Move directly toward the information you are avoiding.
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Allow the discomfort to peak.
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It's going to be tough.
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But give your brain a chance to discover that the truth is survivable.
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Because in the grand scheme, this ain't shit.
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And the real trick here is take one large voluntary dose of reality up front instead of 50 tiny involuntary doses of it every day as it sneaks its way into every conversation.
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Your friends are like, oh, I'm going to blah, blah school.
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Where are you going?
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You're like, ugh.
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How do you apply this?
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First, reopen the email.
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Read the entire thing slowly.
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Don't skim it.
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Don't search for some hidden sentence in which the admissions office reveals this is just all a prank.
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Ah, JK, you're in.
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then say the truth out loud.
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I was not admitted.
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Next, guess what?
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Tell your parents as soon as reasonably possible.
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Something like, look, I need to tell you something disappointing.
236
00:14:12.255 --> 00:14:12.855
I didn't get in.
237
00:14:13.615 --> 00:14:16.396
I also made the mistake of applying nowhere else because I was overconfident.
238
00:14:16.796 --> 00:14:18.676
I was embarrassed, so I avoided telling you.
239
00:14:18.876 --> 00:14:19.457
I'm sorry.
240
00:14:20.057 --> 00:14:22.237
Now we need to figure out my best remaining option.
241
00:14:22.838 --> 00:14:24.198
Your parents might be disappointed.
242
00:14:25.553 --> 00:14:30.456
Your dad might feel embarrassed after treating your admissions letter like a completed merger, like, okay, it's done.
243
00:14:30.977 --> 00:14:32.218
You might cry during this.
244
00:14:32.578 --> 00:14:33.599
They might get angry.
245
00:14:34.839 --> 00:14:38.942
None of that means a conversation is a mistake, because once you have that conversation, it's over.
246
00:14:39.042 --> 00:14:39.743
It is done.
247
00:14:41.144 --> 00:14:43.305
And the asymmetry is broken, which is amazing.
248
00:14:43.746 --> 00:14:45.046
There's not going to be any more tension.
249
00:14:45.066 --> 00:14:46.447
There may be sadness, but no more tension.
250
00:14:49.790 --> 00:14:54.373
And the information is finally moving through the system instead of being radioactive just inside you.
251
00:14:56.519 --> 00:15:00.860
Once that truth is in the open, immediately begin investigating the recovery options.
252
00:15:02.520 --> 00:15:04.681
Are any schools accepting late applications?
253
00:15:04.901 --> 00:15:05.581
Almost always.
254
00:15:05.621 --> 00:15:06.741
I used to be a college professor.
255
00:15:07.081 --> 00:15:08.022
I did this all the time.
256
00:15:08.662 --> 00:15:10.602
They'll accept applications super, super late.
257
00:15:11.442 --> 00:15:13.523
Could you attend a community college and transfer?
258
00:15:13.843 --> 00:15:14.123
Yes.
259
00:15:14.743 --> 00:15:16.403
By the way, mega life hack.
260
00:15:16.423 --> 00:15:17.844
This move saved crazy money.
261
00:15:18.544 --> 00:15:22.545
No employers or fellow students or grad programs later give you shit for it.
262
00:15:22.605 --> 00:15:22.965
No joke.
263
00:15:23.025 --> 00:15:23.665
I wish I did this.
264
00:15:24.548 --> 00:15:25.848
Go to community college for two years.
265
00:15:25.868 --> 00:15:30.289
You transfer into the big, big school, and you graduate two years later, and everyone's like, oh, you graduated from big, big school.
266
00:15:30.329 --> 00:15:31.109
Here's this new job.
267
00:15:34.050 --> 00:15:35.870
Can you take a productive gap year?
268
00:15:36.911 --> 00:15:39.531
This is often a super, super great idea.
269
00:15:43.712 --> 00:15:44.852
You can work in an internship.
270
00:15:44.872 --> 00:15:45.572
You can save money.
271
00:15:45.612 --> 00:15:46.652
You can explore passions.
272
00:15:47.313 --> 00:15:50.673
So you don't waste your freshman year of college, which almost everybody does.
273
00:15:51.613 --> 00:15:54.114
If you get to college later, it's just generally better all around.
274
00:15:56.442 --> 00:15:57.943
Can you apply again in the next cycle?
275
00:15:58.284 --> 00:16:03.869
Was this particular college truly necessary for your goal, or had its prestige become confused with the goal itself?
276
00:16:03.889 --> 00:16:05.050
It's almost certainly the case.
277
00:16:05.831 --> 00:16:10.676
Almost the only reason anyone wants to go to college is for prestige, not for the eventual degree in productivity.
278
00:16:10.696 --> 00:16:13.178
If you did that, you would spend a third of the money you spend on college.
279
00:16:15.338 --> 00:16:22.163
If you don't get into the school you want and you only accepted into one school, you only applied into one school and didn't get accepted, you have like every option is still open to you.
280
00:16:22.763 --> 00:16:27.826
This is going to be something that when you tell your life story when you're 40, it's barely even going to make the list.
281
00:16:28.387 --> 00:16:29.528
It's that small.
282
00:16:30.268 --> 00:16:31.709
But here you are freaking out about it.
283
00:16:33.991 --> 00:16:38.394
You accept that one door is closed because you're standing in front of it and you want it to be open.
284
00:16:39.194 --> 00:16:44.878
Pretending it might open prevents you from checking every other door in the building and there's five amazing doors that all lead to the same great place.
285
00:16:45.821 --> 00:16:50.504
Number four, turn rejection into bounded information.
286
00:16:53.686 --> 00:16:55.588
Hypothetical, this one hits.
287
00:16:56.869 --> 00:17:00.731
You finally asked out the girl you've been thinking about for months.
288
00:17:02.152 --> 00:17:04.154
You didn't make a grand public performance out of it.
289
00:17:04.694 --> 00:17:08.977
You sent her a private DM, asked whether she wanted to go out sometime and waited.
290
00:17:09.637 --> 00:17:11.339
She responded that she wasn't interested.
291
00:17:12.203 --> 00:17:13.964
Unfortunately, she did not stop there.
292
00:17:14.784 --> 00:17:19.166
She explained that she wasn't physically attracted to you and didn't find your personality appealing either.
293
00:17:20.306 --> 00:17:21.507
She didn't post this publicly.
294
00:17:22.627 --> 00:17:24.108
She didn't deliberately humiliate you.
295
00:17:24.728 --> 00:17:26.449
Dylan, maybe she's just got a bit of the tism.
296
00:17:26.509 --> 00:17:26.909
Am I right?
297
00:17:28.790 --> 00:17:31.091
Here are reasons why you are ineffectual.
298
00:17:31.711 --> 00:17:32.071
Oh, boy.
299
00:17:34.032 --> 00:17:39.074
But the message was blunt, blunt enough that you have now read it approximately 700 times.
300
00:17:39.094 --> 00:17:40.035
You guys know how that works.
301
00:17:41.295 --> 00:17:46.856
Maybe you were hoping the world would like rearrange themselves into like marriage vows, or at the very least, I'll date you.
302
00:17:47.577 --> 00:17:48.417
But they don't.
303
00:17:50.417 --> 00:17:51.158
Now, what are you doing?
304
00:17:51.858 --> 00:17:53.638
You're examining your face in the mirror.
305
00:17:55.419 --> 00:17:58.420
You're inspecting every social interaction you've ever had.
306
00:17:59.840 --> 00:18:07.562
And wondering whether she merely revealed the truth that everyone else has been politely just trying not to tell you about that you're terrible.
307
00:18:10.945 --> 00:18:11.925
or what the reality is.
308
00:18:12.846 --> 00:18:21.748
One woman declined one date, and your brain has responded by closing the entire romantic market department for emergency renovations.
309
00:18:21.948 --> 00:18:23.068
Nope, I'm not good enough.
310
00:18:25.809 --> 00:18:29.770
The technique here is to take it from a verdict and turn it into data.
311
00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:45.034
It's also called deglobalization, converting a sweeping judgment about your entire identity into limited information about one person, one interaction, and possibly a few changeable traits, maybe.
312
00:18:47.296 --> 00:18:50.660
Her preferences are authoritative concerning one thing,
313
00:18:51.590 --> 00:18:53.090
whether she dates you.
314
00:18:53.831 --> 00:19:02.673
They are not remotely guaranteed to be authoritative concerning your objective value or whether anyone else could desire you or whether you like yourself.
315
00:19:04.734 --> 00:19:06.895
Accept her no completely, fellas.
316
00:19:06.935 --> 00:19:09.615
Do not persist in the DMs.
317
00:19:10.016 --> 00:19:10.416
Don't do that.
318
00:19:11.256 --> 00:19:12.876
Nine times out of ten, it works out real bad.
319
00:19:13.597 --> 00:19:14.057
So whatever.
320
00:19:14.217 --> 00:19:14.957
Be like, hey, thanks.
321
00:19:15.697 --> 00:19:16.357
Best of luck.
322
00:19:16.958 --> 00:19:17.238
Send.
323
00:19:17.798 --> 00:19:18.078
Forget.
324
00:19:20.207 --> 00:19:22.787
But examine the why intelligently.
325
00:19:25.188 --> 00:19:31.589
The fact that you must accept is this particular woman does not want a relationship with me that is romantic.
326
00:19:31.789 --> 00:19:32.869
This particular one.
327
00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:41.591
Which you do not have to accept because it is not in evidence is I am objectively unattractive and have a bad personality.
328
00:19:42.691 --> 00:19:43.571
Why would you say that?
329
00:19:44.291 --> 00:19:45.272
It's just one girl.
330
00:19:45.832 --> 00:19:46.512
Had a vibe.
331
00:19:47.272 --> 00:19:47.412
One.
332
00:19:50.470 --> 00:19:53.892
Now, you can divide her explanation into three categories.
333
00:19:54.613 --> 00:19:55.973
The first is personal preference.
334
00:19:56.874 --> 00:20:03.218
Maybe she dislikes your body type, your height, your face, your voice, your humor, your energy, or your temperament.
335
00:20:04.118 --> 00:20:05.799
Another woman may feel differently.
336
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.342
I've had some women tell me they like me clean-shaven.
337
00:20:10.082 --> 00:20:13.264
I've had other women tell me they like me hairy, animal-style.
338
00:20:13.484 --> 00:20:14.124
Who's right?
339
00:20:14.144 --> 00:20:15.125
There's nobody right.
340
00:20:15.285 --> 00:20:16.686
Just two girls, two different opinions.
341
00:20:18.987 --> 00:20:19.708
Another woman...
342
00:20:21.017 --> 00:20:24.480
may feel not just differently, but the opposite of how that woman feels.
343
00:20:24.940 --> 00:20:25.761
And they're out there.
344
00:20:27.542 --> 00:20:32.126
Attraction contains patterns, but it is certainly not perfectly uniform.
345
00:20:36.089 --> 00:20:37.410
Other women will feel differently.
346
00:20:40.853 --> 00:20:41.433
Here's another thing.
347
00:20:41.473 --> 00:20:43.555
You could have ended up with this girl and had a great time.
348
00:20:45.004 --> 00:20:49.488
But then later on, met like a punk slash goth baddie and kicked off huge chemistry.
349
00:20:49.628 --> 00:20:51.390
But you're already with dummy over here.
350
00:20:51.470 --> 00:20:51.910
No go.
351
00:20:51.950 --> 00:20:53.191
And she's not even into you that much.
352
00:20:53.211 --> 00:20:54.352
She was just like, oh, he's nice.
353
00:20:55.393 --> 00:21:01.259
If you were still single, you could have had goth punk baddie.
354
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:02.059
It would have been amazing.
355
00:21:04.381 --> 00:21:07.925
But you made a mistake by settling for someone who was settling for you.
356
00:21:08.125 --> 00:21:08.805
You don't want this.
357
00:21:08.906 --> 00:21:10.327
You don't want someone who doesn't want you.
358
00:21:11.234 --> 00:21:15.035
Your time of being loved is coming from someone who really likes you.
359
00:21:15.275 --> 00:21:18.996
The second category you wanna split her response to is potentially useful feedback.
360
00:21:19.016 --> 00:21:25.737
If she says you constantly interrupt, complain, brag, or turn every conversation back towards yourself, those are like trainable problems.
361
00:21:26.097 --> 00:21:26.877
Nobody's perfect.
362
00:21:27.137 --> 00:21:29.398
We all do weird stuff, and you could do less weird stuff.
363
00:21:30.378 --> 00:21:34.499
But one person's opinion should be treated as a clue, not a complete scientific review.
364
00:21:34.519 --> 00:21:36.939
Look for patterns across multiple independent sources.
365
00:21:38.120 --> 00:21:40.380
And what she thinks is bad in you could be amazing.
366
00:21:41.788 --> 00:21:45.371
You could have like a really crude sense of humor, which most people think is fucking awesome.
367
00:21:45.752 --> 00:21:46.612
But she's sensitive.
368
00:21:47.373 --> 00:21:52.117
Dylan, I was hanging out with a girl in a group once, and she said that I was vulgar.
369
00:21:53.919 --> 00:21:57.222
The only response I had queued up in my head was more vulgar shit.
370
00:21:57.762 --> 00:21:58.423
And I was like, right.
371
00:21:59.618 --> 00:22:00.398
I don't care.
372
00:22:00.779 --> 00:22:00.999
Yeah.
373
00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:02.259
Yes, I am.
374
00:22:03.060 --> 00:22:04.621
She probably hasn't even seen half of it.
375
00:22:04.781 --> 00:22:05.301
Oh my God.
376
00:22:05.321 --> 00:22:06.122
She hasn't seen anything.
377
00:22:06.142 --> 00:22:11.444
And also like, if she was like, look, I'm really into you, but you got to turn the vulgarity down and be like, I'm good.
378
00:22:11.685 --> 00:22:13.406
I'm actually going to be by myself over there.
379
00:22:14.926 --> 00:22:20.249
The third category you can split in is characteristics that are unchangeable or just not worth changing.
380
00:22:20.269 --> 00:22:21.430
This is where you stand your ground.
381
00:22:22.835 --> 00:22:30.519
If she prefers men eight inches taller than you, you can accept that you are not her physical type without reporting to the medieval stretching rack to try to get taller.
382
00:22:30.539 --> 00:22:33.440
Whatever you like tall, guys, sweet, I'm this height.
383
00:22:35.001 --> 00:22:37.342
Her selection criteria are allowed to exist.
384
00:22:37.362 --> 00:22:38.463
She's allowed to like what she likes.
385
00:22:39.963 --> 00:22:41.444
But they direct you away from her.
386
00:22:42.585 --> 00:22:44.826
Guys, there are millions of girls.
387
00:22:46.126 --> 00:22:47.167
They won't all like you.
388
00:22:47.978 --> 00:22:50.539
Thank God, because if they did, you'd be up shit creek.
389
00:22:51.119 --> 00:22:52.300
Your DMs would be chock full.
390
00:22:52.320 --> 00:22:53.120
You'd be crazy people.
391
00:22:53.140 --> 00:22:54.020
You'd be following you around.
392
00:22:54.040 --> 00:22:54.700
You don't want that.
393
00:22:56.741 --> 00:23:02.303
Of every criticism that you receive from her in this example, you want to ask the question, is this specific?
394
00:23:03.103 --> 00:23:03.984
Is it changeable?
395
00:23:04.704 --> 00:23:06.665
Have credible people said this before?
396
00:23:07.365 --> 00:23:09.626
Would changing this improve my life generally?
397
00:23:09.666 --> 00:23:11.666
Like, oh, she says my breath smells.
398
00:23:11.686 --> 00:23:12.887
Okay, yeah, change.
399
00:23:13.567 --> 00:23:15.228
She said my sense of humor is too crude.
400
00:23:15.348 --> 00:23:16.308
Fuck you, bitch.
401
00:23:17.277 --> 00:23:18.158
Oh, that's not changing.
402
00:23:18.438 --> 00:23:19.378
People like that about me.
403
00:23:19.498 --> 00:23:20.459
I like that about myself.
404
00:23:20.839 --> 00:23:21.379
Not changing.
405
00:23:22.280 --> 00:23:23.560
Do I want to change it?
406
00:23:24.281 --> 00:23:24.981
That's your choice.
407
00:23:27.182 --> 00:23:33.366
I asked my friend once who was super jacked, do girls ever like not like your muscles?
408
00:23:33.646 --> 00:23:37.268
I think he had the best response I've ever heard of any human ever in any question.
409
00:23:37.708 --> 00:23:39.409
He goes, not the girls that I get with.
410
00:23:39.909 --> 00:23:42.271
And I'm like, that's the only answer you ever need.
411
00:23:42.291 --> 00:23:42.831
Yeah.
412
00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:46.982
Like if a girl doesn't like jackdudes, she can tell me or she can not tell me.
413
00:23:47.382 --> 00:23:47.803
I don't care.
414
00:23:49.904 --> 00:23:51.425
You're not denying the rejection.
415
00:23:51.485 --> 00:23:51.985
It happened.
416
00:23:52.906 --> 00:23:55.508
You're containing it with the boundaries of what it actually proves.
417
00:23:55.548 --> 00:23:57.169
And it proves that she's not into that.
418
00:23:57.269 --> 00:23:58.970
And maybe a few other things you can work on.
419
00:23:59.690 --> 00:24:00.291
No big deal.
420
00:24:00.951 --> 00:24:01.752
No big deal at all.
421
00:24:02.712 --> 00:24:04.033
But you got to accept it straight up.
422
00:24:07.235 --> 00:24:08.396
Last one, number five.
423
00:24:10.097 --> 00:24:11.198
This one's one of my favorites.
424
00:24:14.368 --> 00:24:15.829
Close the counterfactual.
425
00:24:16.529 --> 00:24:18.670
Stop talking and thinking about what could have been.
426
00:24:18.930 --> 00:24:20.111
That is a gigantic waste.
427
00:24:21.491 --> 00:24:28.174
And go to your next best reality and start working on that.
428
00:24:28.434 --> 00:24:29.475
This one's my favorite for sure.
429
00:24:31.275 --> 00:24:34.517
Here's an example of what could have happened to you that we can set up and work through this.
430
00:24:35.217 --> 00:24:38.278
Your friends are taking a road trip to a huge music festival.
431
00:24:39.539 --> 00:24:42.120
They have been planning it for months.
432
00:24:43.100 --> 00:24:45.601
and everything is coming together flawlessly.
433
00:24:47.221 --> 00:24:54.583
One of your friends is bringing his cousin, and you and she have been absolutely cooking in the DMs.
434
00:24:57.984 --> 00:24:58.624
You're into her.
435
00:24:59.544 --> 00:25:01.084
She's into you, like for sure.
436
00:25:01.204 --> 00:25:03.345
Like you've talked about it explicitly in DMs.
437
00:25:04.045 --> 00:25:05.665
I cannot wait was mentioned.
438
00:25:06.405 --> 00:25:12.267
This trip is supposed to be your chance to spend real time together and Allah willing
439
00:25:13.590 --> 00:25:16.432
Diplomatically normalize relations, if you know what I mean.
440
00:25:17.352 --> 00:25:22.575
In other words, chat, joke, play fight, sit close together, Dylan.
441
00:25:23.916 --> 00:25:24.896
Hold hands.
442
00:25:25.237 --> 00:25:25.737
A footsie.
443
00:25:26.257 --> 00:25:31.380
Stare at each other with wide eyes, kiss, hug, have the time of your lives.
444
00:25:33.561 --> 00:25:37.664
And then your work schedule comes out for that week.
445
00:25:39.305 --> 00:25:43.207
You're assigned to work the entire long weekend.
446
00:25:45.295 --> 00:25:45.775
What do you do?
447
00:25:45.875 --> 00:25:47.015
Well, you try to solve a problem.
448
00:25:47.656 --> 00:25:49.416
You ask coworkers to trade with you.
449
00:25:49.476 --> 00:25:50.556
Please trade shifts.
450
00:25:51.616 --> 00:25:53.397
But like, they can't.
451
00:25:55.517 --> 00:25:57.718
The one lady's like, I would, but I have a kid at home.
452
00:25:57.738 --> 00:25:59.158
I have to be at a specific certain time.
453
00:25:59.178 --> 00:26:01.339
You're not going to be like, well, leave your kid alone so I can go to a music club.
454
00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:01.759
It's crazy.
455
00:26:03.019 --> 00:26:04.159
You offer favors to people.
456
00:26:04.199 --> 00:26:06.440
They're like, look, literally it's impossible for me.
457
00:26:07.573 --> 00:26:12.615
You plead your case to your manager and your manager's like, look, no one will be at the business if you don't show up.
458
00:26:12.776 --> 00:26:14.076
We're closing our doors then.
459
00:26:14.356 --> 00:26:15.917
And you're like, fuck, okay, that's not going to work.
460
00:26:16.918 --> 00:26:17.518
Nothing works.
461
00:26:18.258 --> 00:26:25.902
Unless you quit your job, you can't go to the music festival and have ultra fun times with your potential new girl of your life.
462
00:26:28.023 --> 00:26:29.203
And this isn't just a job.
463
00:26:29.243 --> 00:26:32.205
It's the beginning of your incredibly fruitful and lucrative career.
464
00:26:32.545 --> 00:26:34.126
This is what you do this job.
465
00:26:34.766 --> 00:26:36.347
Quitting is not an option.
466
00:26:37.587 --> 00:26:39.028
Your friend's cousin, a.k.a.
467
00:26:39.068 --> 00:26:43.833
the love of your life at the moment, won't want you if you're jobless.
468
00:26:46.956 --> 00:26:47.536
So now what?
469
00:26:48.257 --> 00:27:01.089
Now the group chat, which you're still in, of course, is filling with packing lists, playlists, hotel plans, and, of course, messages from the cousin asking if seriously there's no way you can make it.
470
00:27:03.716 --> 00:27:07.717
You keep imagining them driving off together while you sit beneath fluorescent lights at work.
471
00:27:07.917 --> 00:27:14.298
You already know that every photo from the festival is going to feel like intelligence gathered from behind enemy lines.
472
00:27:14.479 --> 00:27:20.220
Like Operation FOMO is about to land ashore in heavy gunfire.
473
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:23.161
I can't believe this is happening without me.
474
00:27:24.821 --> 00:27:26.661
I can't believe this is happening without me.
475
00:27:27.381 --> 00:27:29.362
I can't pause.
476
00:27:31.303 --> 00:27:34.664
The technique now is to close the unavailable timeline.
477
00:27:35.604 --> 00:27:42.125
When something disappointing becomes unavoidable, the mind often keeps comparing real life with the imaginary version that almost happened.
478
00:27:42.525 --> 00:27:49.286
There's you at work under fluorescent lights on a Saturday night, and there's you making out with the cousin and DJ Tiesto playing or something.
479
00:27:51.567 --> 00:27:54.167
The technique here is to cut off the counterfactual.
480
00:27:55.067 --> 00:27:58.328
Once you have made a reasonable attempt to change the situation and it didn't work,
481
00:27:59.147 --> 00:28:04.171
You deliberately stop reopening the unavailable option and invest in the best reality that remains.
482
00:28:05.191 --> 00:28:17.980
The question changes from how do I get the weekend I wanted, that's gone, to what is the best weekend that is still possible, and more, what do I do about little miss cousin girl?
483
00:28:18.481 --> 00:28:20.022
Not your cousin, your friend's cousin.
484
00:28:20.162 --> 00:28:22.824
One of you make sure that's really clear before you get reeled out of nonsense.
485
00:28:23.940 --> 00:28:24.761
So how do you apply it?
486
00:28:24.861 --> 00:28:27.503
First, verify that the constraint is real.
487
00:28:27.803 --> 00:28:33.747
Ask about switching shifts, using paid time off, adjusting the schedule, or accepting a reasonable cost to make the trip happen.
488
00:28:34.147 --> 00:28:34.708
No big deal.
489
00:28:35.728 --> 00:28:40.572
Acceptance shouldn't become an excuse for giving up before checking whether the problem is solvable, but you probably don't need that assistance.
490
00:28:40.592 --> 00:28:41.793
You probably tried everything already.
491
00:28:42.753 --> 00:28:46.956
Once you've exhausted the reasonable options, start looking into unreasonable options.
492
00:28:46.976 --> 00:28:48.297
Can I assassinate my boss?
493
00:28:48.317 --> 00:28:48.797
No, I'm kidding.
494
00:28:49.858 --> 00:28:52.260
Once you've stopped exhausting the reasonable options,
495
00:28:53.738 --> 00:28:55.199
You declare the decision is closed.
496
00:28:55.339 --> 00:28:57.341
You can even say this to yourself out loud.
497
00:29:00.243 --> 00:29:02.404
I cannot go without quitting my job.
498
00:29:04.205 --> 00:29:07.227
I have decided that this festival is not worth me quitting my job.
499
00:29:08.008 --> 00:29:09.529
Therefore, I am not going.
500
00:29:10.530 --> 00:29:11.730
It's a decision you're making.
501
00:29:11.891 --> 00:29:13.492
You're empowered here because you could go.
502
00:29:13.512 --> 00:29:14.572
You quit your job and go.
503
00:29:14.953 --> 00:29:15.593
You're not doing it.
504
00:29:16.934 --> 00:29:20.076
This actually boosts your inner value a ton because like…
505
00:29:21.982 --> 00:29:26.946
If you fold for that puss-puss, quit your job to go get it, it'll deflate you.
506
00:29:27.947 --> 00:29:32.011
Never, ever sacrifice for that little stink between the legs.
507
00:29:32.711 --> 00:29:33.992
You stand on business.
508
00:29:34.032 --> 00:29:34.633
You're a man.
509
00:29:34.653 --> 00:29:36.634
You do what is good for you long term.
510
00:29:38.716 --> 00:29:41.278
And if you fold for puss-puss, the puss-puss doesn't like it.
511
00:29:41.779 --> 00:29:42.820
You ain't folding for nobody.
512
00:29:42.980 --> 00:29:43.700
You're not going.
513
00:29:43.981 --> 00:29:44.801
It's your decision.
514
00:29:45.042 --> 00:29:46.583
You can literally mute the group chat.
515
00:29:47.940 --> 00:29:49.701
Get off social media or mute the stories.
516
00:29:50.361 --> 00:29:55.023
If watching every moment of them being at the festival is going to make you miserable, that isn't weakness.
517
00:29:55.103 --> 00:29:56.163
It's attention management.
518
00:29:56.363 --> 00:29:58.204
You can look at all the bad stuff in the world if you want.
519
00:29:58.224 --> 00:29:59.805
You can be nice and strong and accomplish nothing.
520
00:30:01.225 --> 00:30:05.987
You do not receive personal growth points for live streaming the alternate timeline to your nervous system.
521
00:30:06.147 --> 00:30:06.507
You don't.
522
00:30:06.747 --> 00:30:07.568
It's going to be painful.
523
00:30:07.728 --> 00:30:10.469
It's going to teach you almost nothing.
524
00:30:10.489 --> 00:30:11.369
Here's the kicker.
525
00:30:12.950 --> 00:30:13.910
Here's the kicker.
526
00:30:14.856 --> 00:30:18.718
What you want to do next is start to create the best available replacement.
527
00:30:20.018 --> 00:30:21.459
Hey, you still got a weekend, right?
528
00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:23.900
Plan something enjoyable after work.
529
00:30:25.061 --> 00:30:30.243
Dylan, that one skeezer girl that's been wanting to slob on your knob, hit that bitch up, she's in town.
530
00:30:30.804 --> 00:30:32.764
I'm kidding, that was not on my to-do list.
531
00:30:33.645 --> 00:30:35.806
But I ain't saying that's not, do you feel me?
532
00:30:35.906 --> 00:30:36.626
I'm just going to shut up.
533
00:30:37.707 --> 00:30:40.688
Train, see another friend, wink, wink.
534
00:30:41.409 --> 00:30:44.470
Buy tickets for another event that you know you're going to be off work for.
535
00:30:45.967 --> 00:30:49.029
Most importantly, you want to do this in this situation.
536
00:30:50.490 --> 00:30:54.333
Private DM the cousin and schedule an actual date.
537
00:30:56.875 --> 00:30:58.136
Be like, dude, this weekend is dead.
538
00:30:58.156 --> 00:31:00.658
She's like, I know, but I still want to see you.
539
00:31:01.558 --> 00:31:02.279
I want to see you too.
540
00:31:03.059 --> 00:31:04.500
Are you available next Friday?
541
00:31:04.961 --> 00:31:05.381
Let me look.
542
00:31:05.941 --> 00:31:06.282
Yeah.
543
00:31:08.463 --> 00:31:13.767
The festival was definitely a cool opportunity, but it's not the last helicopter leaving Saigon.
544
00:31:15.068 --> 00:31:18.549
If she likes you, another date isn't going to happen.
545
00:31:18.949 --> 00:31:22.050
And look, the replacement weekend for this weekend might not be equally exciting.
546
00:31:22.370 --> 00:31:23.410
You don't have to pretend that it is.
547
00:31:23.430 --> 00:31:29.732
You're like, well, I'm not gonna be dancing with the love of my life, but I'll sure get to watch some home movies.
548
00:31:30.412 --> 00:31:31.413
Okay, it's not the same thing.
549
00:31:31.473 --> 00:31:32.533
But you can at least...
550
00:31:33.422 --> 00:31:38.065
Stop pouring emotional energy into a version of reality that is no longer available.
551
00:31:38.145 --> 00:31:39.086
It never was.
552
00:31:39.866 --> 00:31:42.748
There's only one reality, and you're not at the festival in it.
553
00:31:43.068 --> 00:31:50.093
So as soon as stuff doesn't go your way, your next and only question is, given that this is reality,
554
00:31:50.513 --> 00:31:53.894
How do I capitalize on what I have to do best?
555
00:31:54.435 --> 00:31:58.336
You run out of AR rounds, you switch to your pistol.
556
00:31:58.756 --> 00:32:00.917
You run out of pistol rounds, you switch to your knife.
557
00:32:01.437 --> 00:32:07.380
Your knife gets lodged in the zombie bear's skull and he dies, but there's a zombie lion coming to you.
558
00:32:07.540 --> 00:32:09.821
Use your claws and your fucking hands.
559
00:32:11.021 --> 00:32:13.222
The next best thing, period.
560
00:32:15.988 --> 00:32:18.749
You don't get to choose how reality unfolds.
561
00:32:19.250 --> 00:32:22.572
You get a vote, but sometimes life cuts you a raw deal anyway.
562
00:32:23.852 --> 00:32:28.615
You're gonna shake, you're gonna stumble, but you will level out.
563
00:32:29.815 --> 00:32:31.496
You will stabilize emotionally.
564
00:32:31.816 --> 00:32:34.198
You will think more clearly and you will be strong.
565
00:32:36.019 --> 00:32:42.102
And then you might apply a few of these five tips in accepting reality and moving forward.
566
00:32:44.074 --> 00:32:47.618
And things will get better and better and better.
567
00:32:49.520 --> 00:32:50.742
Because you're capable.
568
00:32:52.444 --> 00:32:55.427
And I, for one, I believe in you.
569
00:32:55.908 --> 00:32:56.689
I really fucking do.
570
00:32:59.092 --> 00:33:00.033
I'll see you guys next time.
571
00:33:00.273 --> 00:33:00.994
DM that cousin.
572
00:33:01.374 --> 00:33:01.715
Trust me.
1
00:00:00.451 --> 00:00:05.255
Stop negotiating with reality, because there's only one reality and it doesn't talk back to you.
2
00:00:05.315 --> 00:00:06.936
So negotiating with reality is a waste of time.
3
00:00:07.176 --> 00:00:13.741
It means you stop demanding that the past change before you permit yourself to build a better future, because the past is not going to change.
4
00:00:17.260 --> 00:00:18.020
Let's give an example.
5
00:00:18.060 --> 00:00:18.861
This is gnarly, guys.
6
00:00:19.041 --> 00:00:19.741
What happened to you?
7
00:00:19.841 --> 00:00:20.981
You were driving home one night.
8
00:00:21.181 --> 00:00:22.642
Another car crossed into your lane.
9
00:00:22.662 --> 00:00:23.562
You remember the impact.
10
00:00:23.722 --> 00:00:24.703
Remember the hospital lights.
11
00:00:25.023 --> 00:00:32.145
And eventually the doctor is sitting beside your bed with the kind of expression doctors only use when they're about to divide your life into the before and after part of your life.
12
00:00:32.265 --> 00:00:34.406
Turns out your spinal cord was severely damaged.
13
00:00:34.526 --> 00:00:39.068
With current medical technology, they have no realistic way to restore your ability to walk.
14
00:00:39.308 --> 00:00:45.130
You might use a wheelchair for the rest of your life, or at the very least for the next 10 to 15 years until cybernetics catches up.
15
00:00:45.936 --> 00:00:46.917
A long time.
16
00:00:47.297 --> 00:00:50.040
This year, next year, the year after, you're wheelchair-bound.
17
00:00:50.340 --> 00:00:53.443
And now your mind refuses to leave the accident.
18
00:00:53.523 --> 00:00:59.688
You keep imagining what would have happened if you had left five minutes earlier or five minutes later that night.
19
00:01:00.268 --> 00:01:04.572
If you'd have taken another road or reacted half a second faster to pull your car away.
20
00:01:05.413 --> 00:01:09.997
You wake up every morning and for a few confused seconds expect to get out of bed like you always did.
21
00:01:10.017 --> 00:01:11.358
And then reality arrives again.
22
00:01:12.748 --> 00:01:14.489
You aren't just grieving the use of your legs.
23
00:01:14.509 --> 00:01:18.932
You're grieving the life you expected to have or you expected to have legs.
24
00:01:19.872 --> 00:01:23.895
And some part of your mind keeps insisting, this cannot be my life.
25
00:01:24.915 --> 00:01:26.456
This wasn't supposed to happen.
26
00:01:29.979 --> 00:01:34.401
And here's the technique to make this less painful.
27
00:01:36.062 --> 00:01:37.143
Not zero, but less.
28
00:01:38.504 --> 00:01:40.285
Stop negotiating with reality.
29
00:01:41.982 --> 00:01:43.903
It is otherwise called radical acceptance.
30
00:01:44.123 --> 00:01:47.425
In simple terms, it means deliberately acknowledging what is already true.
31
00:01:48.006 --> 00:01:50.687
It does not mean that you like what has happened.
32
00:01:51.328 --> 00:01:52.748
It does not mean approving of it.
33
00:01:52.889 --> 00:01:57.391
It does not mean pretending that it isn't horrifying or giving up on making your life better.
34
00:01:58.592 --> 00:02:05.536
It means you stop demanding that the past change before you permit yourself to build a better future because the past is not going to change.
35
00:02:07.097 --> 00:02:08.498
How do you apply something like this?
36
00:02:10.022 --> 00:02:13.623
You can begin by stating the reality in plain emotionally neutral language.
37
00:02:13.744 --> 00:02:14.884
I was severely injured.
38
00:02:16.385 --> 00:02:18.485
I wish more than anything that this had not happened.
39
00:02:19.366 --> 00:02:22.907
With current medicine, I am unlikely to walk again in the foreseeable future.
40
00:02:23.968 --> 00:02:29.010
This is the body I must build my next life around, my this life around.
41
00:02:31.351 --> 00:02:32.271
Notice that last part.
42
00:02:32.291 --> 00:02:34.572
You must build your life around this fact.
43
00:02:35.152 --> 00:02:38.053
You do not have to build your entire identity out of it.
44
00:02:38.413 --> 00:02:39.754
But that fact is stained.
45
00:02:41.763 --> 00:02:47.725
Next, separate the pain you cannot avoid from the suffering that your mind keeps trying to add.
46
00:02:47.765 --> 00:02:56.627
The unavoidable pain includes losing mobility, losing independence, having some physical experiences you won't have again, not going to run on the beach for a while, and plans you may have had.
47
00:02:56.647 --> 00:02:58.548
You were going to go to Europe, and now that's not a thing.
48
00:02:59.288 --> 00:03:02.389
The pain is real, and it deserves to be grieved.
49
00:03:02.629 --> 00:03:04.669
But your mind wants to add another layer.
50
00:03:05.570 --> 00:03:06.790
This shouldn't have happened.
51
00:03:07.761 --> 00:03:09.641
I can't have a worthwhile life now.
52
00:03:10.142 --> 00:03:12.762
I need my old body back before I can be happy again.
53
00:03:12.802 --> 00:03:15.083
That little contingency is a real nasty one.
54
00:03:15.923 --> 00:03:17.343
The first layer is tragedy.
55
00:03:17.363 --> 00:03:23.685
The second layer is your brain repeatedly trying to renegotiate a contract that reality has already signed, sealed, delivered.
56
00:03:23.885 --> 00:03:25.726
There is no arguing with reality.
57
00:03:26.146 --> 00:03:27.826
You can't use your legs.
58
00:03:28.626 --> 00:03:33.267
Any thought that includes I wish or I could have or I should have is dead on arrival.
59
00:03:33.608 --> 00:03:34.908
So you can make three lists.
60
00:03:35.688 --> 00:03:38.430
First, what is true now and cannot presently be changed.
61
00:03:39.170 --> 00:03:41.772
Second, what you have lost and need time to grieve.
62
00:03:41.812 --> 00:03:42.652
It's okay to grieve.
63
00:03:43.333 --> 00:03:45.574
Third, everything that remains within your influence.
64
00:03:46.294 --> 00:03:56.461
You can have a say in rehab, upper body independence, pain management, career, relationships, adaptive sports, accessibility, no longer having to compete with folks on physical grounds or height.
65
00:03:57.061 --> 00:03:58.562
Like you used to be worried about how tall you are.
66
00:03:58.602 --> 00:03:59.182
Not anymore, pimp.
67
00:03:59.202 --> 00:03:59.843
You're in a wheelchair.
68
00:03:59.863 --> 00:04:00.263
No worries.
69
00:04:01.890 --> 00:04:09.836
and having so much more time potentially to do amazing intellectual work and consume amazing media and have amazing conversations with people, that's unaltered.
70
00:04:12.277 --> 00:04:22.305
Whenever your mind drags you back into an imaginary courtroom to prosecute reality again, you calmly return to the third list of shit you could still be doing and get on it.
71
00:04:23.526 --> 00:04:25.407
The truth is not that everything is okay.
72
00:04:27.608 --> 00:04:30.931
The truth is this happened, it was terrible,
73
00:04:32.332 --> 00:04:33.592
And I still have moves.
74
00:04:34.393 --> 00:04:35.413
I have lots of moves.
75
00:04:35.933 --> 00:04:37.274
Three do's and don'ts here.
76
00:04:38.034 --> 00:04:39.955
Don't confuse acceptance with approval.
77
00:04:40.315 --> 00:04:43.436
You can hate what happened and still acknowledge that it actually happened.
78
00:04:44.837 --> 00:04:48.258
Do state the smallest accurate version of the truth out loud.
79
00:04:48.378 --> 00:04:50.399
I wish this were different, but right now this is real.
80
00:04:51.059 --> 00:04:52.799
I cannot use my legs.
81
00:04:53.640 --> 00:04:54.120
Just like that.
82
00:04:56.042 --> 00:05:00.813
Don't spend every day replaying the exact moment when the past supposedly could have changed.
83
00:05:00.993 --> 00:05:02.116
That is gone.
84
00:05:03.950 --> 00:05:09.412
Do divide your situation to what is fixed, what may change later, and what you can influence today.
85
00:05:10.073 --> 00:05:11.053
I can't use my legs.
86
00:05:11.753 --> 00:05:15.395
Maybe in the future I'll be able to, probably, but what can I do today?
87
00:05:15.535 --> 00:05:26.780
I can be productive without the use of my legs so that when I do finally get my legs back in cybernetic revolution of 2034, I'll be a famous millionaire or some shit because I used my time appropriately.
88
00:05:28.281 --> 00:05:31.242
Podcasting sure as shit does not need you to be not wheelchair-bound.
89
00:05:33.733 --> 00:05:37.956
Don't demand that your grief disappear before you begin rebuilding.
90
00:05:38.116 --> 00:05:39.017
That's insane.
91
00:05:39.257 --> 00:05:40.278
That's not how that works.
92
00:05:41.179 --> 00:05:45.462
But you can do grieve and rebuild at the same time.
93
00:05:45.982 --> 00:05:49.305
Human beings are capable of carrying sorrow in one hand and tools in the other.
94
00:05:49.645 --> 00:05:50.506
Yeah, you're upset.
95
00:05:50.766 --> 00:05:51.346
Do your best.
96
00:05:52.327 --> 00:06:01.234
And believe it or not, one of the really crazy insights from happiness research is after a few months, you get so used to your new state that you can have amazing, awesome experiences and be genuinely happy.
97
00:06:04.408 --> 00:06:11.892
Number two way to deal with bad stuff happening is to separate the fact from the story.
98
00:06:14.273 --> 00:06:15.394
Here's a situation.
99
00:06:17.855 --> 00:06:18.416
Hypothetical.
100
00:06:19.936 --> 00:06:23.478
Your group of friends has slowly stopped inviting you to places.
101
00:06:23.979 --> 00:06:25.439
At first, you assumed it was accidental.
102
00:06:25.860 --> 00:06:27.861
Then you saw pictures from parties nobody mentioned to you.
103
00:06:28.621 --> 00:06:30.262
Messages in the group chat went unanswered.
104
00:06:30.302 --> 00:06:33.864
Finally, one of them told you directly that they had decided they didn't want you around anymore.
105
00:06:35.195 --> 00:06:38.436
Their explanation was that you had become too focused on school and work.
106
00:06:39.256 --> 00:06:42.197
They said your ambition made them feel like you thought you were better than them.
107
00:06:42.937 --> 00:06:45.598
Even if you didn't explicitly say so, they still felt like that.
108
00:06:47.619 --> 00:06:50.720
Now the rejection is echoing through your head, of course.
109
00:06:51.900 --> 00:07:01.903
You're rereading old conversations, wondering whether every joke was secretly contempt on their part, and every delayed response was evidence that they had hated you for months.
110
00:07:02.699 --> 00:07:06.243
Because like if people abandon you, you kind of like want to abandon them first.
111
00:07:06.663 --> 00:07:08.585
So you look back and you're like, I didn't notice people hated me.
112
00:07:08.605 --> 00:07:10.467
Wow, this is tough.
113
00:07:11.528 --> 00:07:13.390
You wonder also how you presented yourself.
114
00:07:14.751 --> 00:07:17.374
Like you really presented yourself like a better than person.
115
00:07:17.394 --> 00:07:19.496
You start reading texts and be like, that was egotistical.
116
00:07:19.516 --> 00:07:20.137
That was cocky.
117
00:07:20.157 --> 00:07:20.637
Oh, my God.
118
00:07:20.657 --> 00:07:21.238
Oh, my God.
119
00:07:21.258 --> 00:07:21.738
Oh, my God.
120
00:07:21.798 --> 00:07:22.819
I can't believe I said that.
121
00:07:24.241 --> 00:07:26.543
And you start thinking how you can prevent this in the future.
122
00:07:28.676 --> 00:07:33.299
And your brain does this thing where it's expanded one group's decision into a global diagnosis.
123
00:07:34.040 --> 00:07:35.941
Something like, I'm socially defective.
124
00:07:36.882 --> 00:07:38.463
My ambition makes people hate me.
125
00:07:39.464 --> 00:07:41.085
Everyone eventually gets sick of me.
126
00:07:42.126 --> 00:07:44.267
Maybe I really am an arrogant asshole.
127
00:07:46.269 --> 00:07:50.572
The technique here is to separate the event from the story that you tell about the event.
128
00:07:52.003 --> 00:07:57.048
It's to distinguish what happened from what your mind says that means, because your mind's not always right about that.
129
00:07:57.268 --> 00:07:58.369
Oftentimes it's not.
130
00:07:59.470 --> 00:08:01.272
Events are often painful but limited.
131
00:08:01.892 --> 00:08:09.959
Your interpretation can expand one painful event until it appears to describe your entire personality, your future, your value as a human being.
132
00:08:11.001 --> 00:08:14.725
Accept the fact of what happened, but you can investigate the interpretation.
133
00:08:14.946 --> 00:08:22.235
The smallest fact you must accept is, about this particular example, these particular people have ended their friendship with me.
134
00:08:22.943 --> 00:08:23.403
That hurts.
135
00:08:24.203 --> 00:08:32.845
But it does not automatically establish that you are unlovable, arrogant, socially defective, or destined to be abandoned by every future friend, because that's how your brain starts thinking about it.
136
00:08:33.245 --> 00:08:35.546
If it's these guys today, it'll be my next friend group tomorrow.
137
00:08:35.766 --> 00:08:38.866
Now you have to separate their decision from their explanation.
138
00:08:39.086 --> 00:08:41.047
Their explanation may contain useful information.
139
00:08:41.847 --> 00:08:43.567
Perhaps you have been dismissive.
140
00:08:43.587 --> 00:08:47.628
Maybe you talk constantly about productivity and subtly treat leisure like a character defect.
141
00:08:48.622 --> 00:08:52.509
If several trustworthy people independently tell you the same thing, there could be something worth changing.
142
00:08:53.250 --> 00:08:54.772
But there's another way to look at it.
143
00:08:54.792 --> 00:08:57.978
Their explanation could also reflect their insecurity.
144
00:08:59.328 --> 00:09:02.709
Your ambition may remind them of goals they're neglecting.
145
00:09:02.869 --> 00:09:08.650
Like if you're friends with the kind of loser stoner crowd in school and they say you're too ambitious, that's the biggest compliment you'll ever get in your life.
146
00:09:09.130 --> 00:09:13.611
And excluding you may be easier than confronting the discomfort they have with their own lack of work effort.
147
00:09:13.831 --> 00:09:17.512
The most annoying possibility as usual is that both things are partly true.
148
00:09:17.752 --> 00:09:21.233
You may sometimes act superior and they may also resent you for progressing.
149
00:09:21.473 --> 00:09:23.574
It might help for you to write two columns down.
150
00:09:23.614 --> 00:09:25.534
In the first place, only observable facts.
151
00:09:25.574 --> 00:09:26.554
They stopped inviting me.
152
00:09:26.594 --> 00:09:28.615
They said we no longer want you around.
153
00:09:29.435 --> 00:09:31.717
They said my focus on achievement makes them feel judged.
154
00:09:32.638 --> 00:09:35.900
In the second, write the story your wounded brain is generating.
155
00:09:35.940 --> 00:09:36.781
Nobody likes me.
156
00:09:36.841 --> 00:09:38.242
My ambition makes me a bad person.
157
00:09:38.282 --> 00:09:39.603
I'll never have real friends again.
158
00:09:40.684 --> 00:09:43.766
Then challenge every single statement in the second column.
159
00:09:43.786 --> 00:09:46.048
You don't have to challenge the first because those are true statements.
160
00:09:46.648 --> 00:09:47.369
Those are facts.
161
00:09:47.869 --> 00:09:49.150
The second column is not facts.
162
00:09:49.170 --> 00:09:50.431
That's your feelings about the shit.
163
00:09:51.312 --> 00:09:52.513
What evidence supports it?
164
00:09:52.733 --> 00:09:53.053
Really?
165
00:09:53.354 --> 00:09:54.374
Nobody likes you?
166
00:09:54.434 --> 00:09:54.875
Get out of here.
167
00:09:54.895 --> 00:09:55.435
You don't mean that.
168
00:09:55.455 --> 00:09:56.436
You're just having a lot of feeling.
169
00:09:57.490 --> 00:09:59.271
You'll never have real friends again.
170
00:09:59.311 --> 00:09:59.511
Really?
171
00:09:59.531 --> 00:10:00.372
Would you put money on that?
172
00:10:00.412 --> 00:10:01.993
Would you put $10 million on that?
173
00:10:02.353 --> 00:10:02.793
No, you wouldn't.
174
00:10:02.813 --> 00:10:03.233
You'd be nuts.
175
00:10:03.253 --> 00:10:04.914
You'd be like, oh, no, I'm probably going to make friends.
176
00:10:04.934 --> 00:10:05.855
I don't want to lose $10 million.
177
00:10:05.875 --> 00:10:06.415
That's crazy.
178
00:10:07.496 --> 00:10:08.496
What evidence supports it?
179
00:10:08.516 --> 00:10:09.537
What evidence contradicts it?
180
00:10:09.637 --> 00:10:13.259
Is it universally true or is it just merely being emotional?
181
00:10:15.472 --> 00:10:30.695
Accepting their decision lets you stop begging for admission to a social group that has already voted, but questioning the larger story you tell yourself lets you learn from the rejection without allowing five irritated people to write your permanent psychological biography, something nobody can do for you.
182
00:10:33.456 --> 00:10:43.038
You'll likely become less of an egocentric dick because of this, which is great, and you'll likely make friends in the future that aren't degenerate losers that can't handle success in their midst.
183
00:10:44.257 --> 00:10:47.439
A lot of the friends you lose in life, man, it's good riddance in many cases.
184
00:10:50.100 --> 00:10:58.305
So when you're going about this yourself, don't turn these people rejected me or your own equivalent into all people reject me.
185
00:10:59.746 --> 00:11:02.968
Do describe every event as narrowly and precisely as possible.
186
00:11:02.988 --> 00:11:04.449
You want to get to understand what happened.
187
00:11:04.469 --> 00:11:05.349
You don't just want to ignore it.
188
00:11:06.830 --> 00:11:10.472
Don't automatically dismiss all criticism because it came from people who hurt you.
189
00:11:10.672 --> 00:11:11.853
They can have valid criticism.
190
00:11:13.701 --> 00:11:21.188
Do ask whether credible people in different contexts have independently given you similar feedback, because the answer could be no, or the answer could be yes.
191
00:11:22.910 --> 00:11:27.334
Don't assume that several people agreeing makes their interpretation objectively true.
192
00:11:27.754 --> 00:11:30.637
Groups can coordinate around nonsense with magnificent efficiency.
193
00:11:31.117 --> 00:11:32.258
Groupthink's a real thing.
194
00:11:33.760 --> 00:11:35.822
Do extract whatever lesson is useful
195
00:11:36.952 --> 00:11:43.595
correct your behavior as needed, and then seek friends whose values fit the person you are becoming.
196
00:11:43.795 --> 00:11:45.536
Becoming, not already.
197
00:11:49.438 --> 00:11:56.121
Number three, in tough situations, try to move toward the truth that you are avoiding.
198
00:11:57.502 --> 00:11:58.302
Here's a hypothetical.
199
00:11:58.362 --> 00:12:02.604
For years, you've talked about attending one particular college.
200
00:12:03.465 --> 00:12:04.846
Your parents bought the sweatshirt.
201
00:12:04.926 --> 00:12:12.453
Your dad has basically been telling everyone he knows that your acceptance letter is just a formality at this point because you were so confident you didn't apply anywhere else.
202
00:12:12.473 --> 00:12:13.514
Then the email arrived.
203
00:12:14.395 --> 00:12:19.680
You opened it, saw the words, we regret to inform you dot, dot, dot, and closed your laptop.
204
00:12:20.821 --> 00:12:21.701
You haven't told anyone.
205
00:12:22.582 --> 00:12:27.727
Your parents keep asking whether decisions have been released, and you keep inventing reasons why the process may be delayed.
206
00:12:29.913 --> 00:12:34.176
Every time your dad mentions the school, which he does a lot, your stomach drops.
207
00:12:35.157 --> 00:12:37.278
You're not just afraid of disappointing your parents.
208
00:12:38.519 --> 00:12:47.305
You're ashamed that you were rejected, ashamed that you applied nowhere else, and increasingly ashamed that you're lying about it by omission.
209
00:12:49.326 --> 00:12:52.088
The rejection hurt once, and it had to, for sure.
210
00:12:52.609 --> 00:12:55.771
Avoiding it now is hurting you every hour.
211
00:12:58.272 --> 00:12:59.073
What's the technique?
212
00:13:00.247 --> 00:13:02.988
Take one voluntary dose of reality.
213
00:13:04.009 --> 00:13:08.671
When people are afraid of a painful truth, they often avoid looking at it or saying it or telling anybody about it.
214
00:13:09.332 --> 00:13:14.214
That provides a little bit of relief right now, but keeps the fear alive and keeps it mangling you.
215
00:13:17.336 --> 00:13:19.417
The technique here is deliberate exposure.
216
00:13:19.457 --> 00:13:21.898
Move directly toward the information you are avoiding.
217
00:13:22.138 --> 00:13:23.839
Allow the discomfort to peak.
218
00:13:24.379 --> 00:13:25.099
It's going to be tough.
219
00:13:26.220 --> 00:13:29.662
But give your brain a chance to discover that the truth is survivable.
220
00:13:30.571 --> 00:13:31.872
Because in the grand scheme, this ain't shit.
221
00:13:35.034 --> 00:13:42.860
And the real trick here is take one large voluntary dose of reality up front instead of 50 tiny involuntary doses of it every day as it sneaks its way into every conversation.
222
00:13:43.300 --> 00:13:44.942
Your friends are like, oh, I'm going to blah, blah school.
223
00:13:44.962 --> 00:13:45.562
Where are you going?
224
00:13:45.582 --> 00:13:46.423
You're like, ugh.
225
00:13:47.824 --> 00:13:48.624
How do you apply this?
226
00:13:48.705 --> 00:13:49.965
First, reopen the email.
227
00:13:50.526 --> 00:13:51.907
Read the entire thing slowly.
228
00:13:52.267 --> 00:13:52.868
Don't skim it.
229
00:13:53.268 --> 00:13:57.231
Don't search for some hidden sentence in which the admissions office reveals this is just all a prank.
230
00:13:57.291 --> 00:13:58.152
Ah, JK, you're in.
231
00:13:59.211 --> 00:14:00.551
then say the truth out loud.
232
00:14:00.811 --> 00:14:01.952
I was not admitted.
233
00:14:03.752 --> 00:14:05.053
Next, guess what?
234
00:14:05.433 --> 00:14:08.033
Tell your parents as soon as reasonably possible.
235
00:14:09.374 --> 00:14:11.955
Something like, look, I need to tell you something disappointing.
236
00:14:12.255 --> 00:14:12.855
I didn't get in.
237
00:14:13.615 --> 00:14:16.396
I also made the mistake of applying nowhere else because I was overconfident.
238
00:14:16.796 --> 00:14:18.676
I was embarrassed, so I avoided telling you.
239
00:14:18.876 --> 00:14:19.457
I'm sorry.
240
00:14:20.057 --> 00:14:22.237
Now we need to figure out my best remaining option.
241
00:14:22.838 --> 00:14:24.198
Your parents might be disappointed.
242
00:14:25.553 --> 00:14:30.456
Your dad might feel embarrassed after treating your admissions letter like a completed merger, like, okay, it's done.
243
00:14:30.977 --> 00:14:32.218
You might cry during this.
244
00:14:32.578 --> 00:14:33.599
They might get angry.
245
00:14:34.839 --> 00:14:38.942
None of that means a conversation is a mistake, because once you have that conversation, it's over.
246
00:14:39.042 --> 00:14:39.743
It is done.
247
00:14:41.144 --> 00:14:43.305
And the asymmetry is broken, which is amazing.
248
00:14:43.746 --> 00:14:45.046
There's not going to be any more tension.
249
00:14:45.066 --> 00:14:46.447
There may be sadness, but no more tension.
250
00:14:49.790 --> 00:14:54.373
And the information is finally moving through the system instead of being radioactive just inside you.
251
00:14:56.519 --> 00:15:00.860
Once that truth is in the open, immediately begin investigating the recovery options.
252
00:15:02.520 --> 00:15:04.681
Are any schools accepting late applications?
253
00:15:04.901 --> 00:15:05.581
Almost always.
254
00:15:05.621 --> 00:15:06.741
I used to be a college professor.
255
00:15:07.081 --> 00:15:08.022
I did this all the time.
256
00:15:08.662 --> 00:15:10.602
They'll accept applications super, super late.
257
00:15:11.442 --> 00:15:13.523
Could you attend a community college and transfer?
258
00:15:13.843 --> 00:15:14.123
Yes.
259
00:15:14.743 --> 00:15:16.403
By the way, mega life hack.
260
00:15:16.423 --> 00:15:17.844
This move saved crazy money.
261
00:15:18.544 --> 00:15:22.545
No employers or fellow students or grad programs later give you shit for it.
262
00:15:22.605 --> 00:15:22.965
No joke.
263
00:15:23.025 --> 00:15:23.665
I wish I did this.
264
00:15:24.548 --> 00:15:25.848
Go to community college for two years.
265
00:15:25.868 --> 00:15:30.289
You transfer into the big, big school, and you graduate two years later, and everyone's like, oh, you graduated from big, big school.
266
00:15:30.329 --> 00:15:31.109
Here's this new job.
267
00:15:34.050 --> 00:15:35.870
Can you take a productive gap year?
268
00:15:36.911 --> 00:15:39.531
This is often a super, super great idea.
269
00:15:43.712 --> 00:15:44.852
You can work in an internship.
270
00:15:44.872 --> 00:15:45.572
You can save money.
271
00:15:45.612 --> 00:15:46.652
You can explore passions.
272
00:15:47.313 --> 00:15:50.673
So you don't waste your freshman year of college, which almost everybody does.
273
00:15:51.613 --> 00:15:54.114
If you get to college later, it's just generally better all around.
274
00:15:56.442 --> 00:15:57.943
Can you apply again in the next cycle?
275
00:15:58.284 --> 00:16:03.869
Was this particular college truly necessary for your goal, or had its prestige become confused with the goal itself?
276
00:16:03.889 --> 00:16:05.050
It's almost certainly the case.
277
00:16:05.831 --> 00:16:10.676
Almost the only reason anyone wants to go to college is for prestige, not for the eventual degree in productivity.
278
00:16:10.696 --> 00:16:13.178
If you did that, you would spend a third of the money you spend on college.
279
00:16:15.338 --> 00:16:22.163
If you don't get into the school you want and you only accepted into one school, you only applied into one school and didn't get accepted, you have like every option is still open to you.
280
00:16:22.763 --> 00:16:27.826
This is going to be something that when you tell your life story when you're 40, it's barely even going to make the list.
281
00:16:28.387 --> 00:16:29.528
It's that small.
282
00:16:30.268 --> 00:16:31.709
But here you are freaking out about it.
283
00:16:33.991 --> 00:16:38.394
You accept that one door is closed because you're standing in front of it and you want it to be open.
284
00:16:39.194 --> 00:16:44.878
Pretending it might open prevents you from checking every other door in the building and there's five amazing doors that all lead to the same great place.
285
00:16:45.821 --> 00:16:50.504
Number four, turn rejection into bounded information.
286
00:16:53.686 --> 00:16:55.588
Hypothetical, this one hits.
287
00:16:56.869 --> 00:17:00.731
You finally asked out the girl you've been thinking about for months.
288
00:17:02.152 --> 00:17:04.154
You didn't make a grand public performance out of it.
289
00:17:04.694 --> 00:17:08.977
You sent her a private DM, asked whether she wanted to go out sometime and waited.
290
00:17:09.637 --> 00:17:11.339
She responded that she wasn't interested.
291
00:17:12.203 --> 00:17:13.964
Unfortunately, she did not stop there.
292
00:17:14.784 --> 00:17:19.166
She explained that she wasn't physically attracted to you and didn't find your personality appealing either.
293
00:17:20.306 --> 00:17:21.507
She didn't post this publicly.
294
00:17:22.627 --> 00:17:24.108
She didn't deliberately humiliate you.
295
00:17:24.728 --> 00:17:26.449
Dylan, maybe she's just got a bit of the tism.
296
00:17:26.509 --> 00:17:26.909
Am I right?
297
00:17:28.790 --> 00:17:31.091
Here are reasons why you are ineffectual.
298
00:17:31.711 --> 00:17:32.071
Oh, boy.
299
00:17:34.032 --> 00:17:39.074
But the message was blunt, blunt enough that you have now read it approximately 700 times.
300
00:17:39.094 --> 00:17:40.035
You guys know how that works.
301
00:17:41.295 --> 00:17:46.856
Maybe you were hoping the world would like rearrange themselves into like marriage vows, or at the very least, I'll date you.
302
00:17:47.577 --> 00:17:48.417
But they don't.
303
00:17:50.417 --> 00:17:51.158
Now, what are you doing?
304
00:17:51.858 --> 00:17:53.638
You're examining your face in the mirror.
305
00:17:55.419 --> 00:17:58.420
You're inspecting every social interaction you've ever had.
306
00:17:59.840 --> 00:18:07.562
And wondering whether she merely revealed the truth that everyone else has been politely just trying not to tell you about that you're terrible.
307
00:18:10.945 --> 00:18:11.925
or what the reality is.
308
00:18:12.846 --> 00:18:21.748
One woman declined one date, and your brain has responded by closing the entire romantic market department for emergency renovations.
309
00:18:21.948 --> 00:18:23.068
Nope, I'm not good enough.
310
00:18:25.809 --> 00:18:29.770
The technique here is to take it from a verdict and turn it into data.
311
00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:45.034
It's also called deglobalization, converting a sweeping judgment about your entire identity into limited information about one person, one interaction, and possibly a few changeable traits, maybe.
312
00:18:47.296 --> 00:18:50.660
Her preferences are authoritative concerning one thing,
313
00:18:51.590 --> 00:18:53.090
whether she dates you.
314
00:18:53.831 --> 00:19:02.673
They are not remotely guaranteed to be authoritative concerning your objective value or whether anyone else could desire you or whether you like yourself.
315
00:19:04.734 --> 00:19:06.895
Accept her no completely, fellas.
316
00:19:06.935 --> 00:19:09.615
Do not persist in the DMs.
317
00:19:10.016 --> 00:19:10.416
Don't do that.
318
00:19:11.256 --> 00:19:12.876
Nine times out of ten, it works out real bad.
319
00:19:13.597 --> 00:19:14.057
So whatever.
320
00:19:14.217 --> 00:19:14.957
Be like, hey, thanks.
321
00:19:15.697 --> 00:19:16.357
Best of luck.
322
00:19:16.958 --> 00:19:17.238
Send.
323
00:19:17.798 --> 00:19:18.078
Forget.
324
00:19:20.207 --> 00:19:22.787
But examine the why intelligently.
325
00:19:25.188 --> 00:19:31.589
The fact that you must accept is this particular woman does not want a relationship with me that is romantic.
326
00:19:31.789 --> 00:19:32.869
This particular one.
327
00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:41.591
Which you do not have to accept because it is not in evidence is I am objectively unattractive and have a bad personality.
328
00:19:42.691 --> 00:19:43.571
Why would you say that?
329
00:19:44.291 --> 00:19:45.272
It's just one girl.
330
00:19:45.832 --> 00:19:46.512
Had a vibe.
331
00:19:47.272 --> 00:19:47.412
One.
332
00:19:50.470 --> 00:19:53.892
Now, you can divide her explanation into three categories.
333
00:19:54.613 --> 00:19:55.973
The first is personal preference.
334
00:19:56.874 --> 00:20:03.218
Maybe she dislikes your body type, your height, your face, your voice, your humor, your energy, or your temperament.
335
00:20:04.118 --> 00:20:05.799
Another woman may feel differently.
336
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.342
I've had some women tell me they like me clean-shaven.
337
00:20:10.082 --> 00:20:13.264
I've had other women tell me they like me hairy, animal-style.
338
00:20:13.484 --> 00:20:14.124
Who's right?
339
00:20:14.144 --> 00:20:15.125
There's nobody right.
340
00:20:15.285 --> 00:20:16.686
Just two girls, two different opinions.
341
00:20:18.987 --> 00:20:19.708
Another woman...
342
00:20:21.017 --> 00:20:24.480
may feel not just differently, but the opposite of how that woman feels.
343
00:20:24.940 --> 00:20:25.761
And they're out there.
344
00:20:27.542 --> 00:20:32.126
Attraction contains patterns, but it is certainly not perfectly uniform.
345
00:20:36.089 --> 00:20:37.410
Other women will feel differently.
346
00:20:40.853 --> 00:20:41.433
Here's another thing.
347
00:20:41.473 --> 00:20:43.555
You could have ended up with this girl and had a great time.
348
00:20:45.004 --> 00:20:49.488
But then later on, met like a punk slash goth baddie and kicked off huge chemistry.
349
00:20:49.628 --> 00:20:51.390
But you're already with dummy over here.
350
00:20:51.470 --> 00:20:51.910
No go.
351
00:20:51.950 --> 00:20:53.191
And she's not even into you that much.
352
00:20:53.211 --> 00:20:54.352
She was just like, oh, he's nice.
353
00:20:55.393 --> 00:21:01.259
If you were still single, you could have had goth punk baddie.
354
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:02.059
It would have been amazing.
355
00:21:04.381 --> 00:21:07.925
But you made a mistake by settling for someone who was settling for you.
356
00:21:08.125 --> 00:21:08.805
You don't want this.
357
00:21:08.906 --> 00:21:10.327
You don't want someone who doesn't want you.
358
00:21:11.234 --> 00:21:15.035
Your time of being loved is coming from someone who really likes you.
359
00:21:15.275 --> 00:21:18.996
The second category you wanna split her response to is potentially useful feedback.
360
00:21:19.016 --> 00:21:25.737
If she says you constantly interrupt, complain, brag, or turn every conversation back towards yourself, those are like trainable problems.
361
00:21:26.097 --> 00:21:26.877
Nobody's perfect.
362
00:21:27.137 --> 00:21:29.398
We all do weird stuff, and you could do less weird stuff.
363
00:21:30.378 --> 00:21:34.499
But one person's opinion should be treated as a clue, not a complete scientific review.
364
00:21:34.519 --> 00:21:36.939
Look for patterns across multiple independent sources.
365
00:21:38.120 --> 00:21:40.380
And what she thinks is bad in you could be amazing.
366
00:21:41.788 --> 00:21:45.371
You could have like a really crude sense of humor, which most people think is fucking awesome.
367
00:21:45.752 --> 00:21:46.612
But she's sensitive.
368
00:21:47.373 --> 00:21:52.117
Dylan, I was hanging out with a girl in a group once, and she said that I was vulgar.
369
00:21:53.919 --> 00:21:57.222
The only response I had queued up in my head was more vulgar shit.
370
00:21:57.762 --> 00:21:58.423
And I was like, right.
371
00:21:59.618 --> 00:22:00.398
I don't care.
372
00:22:00.779 --> 00:22:00.999
Yeah.
373
00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:02.259
Yes, I am.
374
00:22:03.060 --> 00:22:04.621
She probably hasn't even seen half of it.
375
00:22:04.781 --> 00:22:05.301
Oh my God.
376
00:22:05.321 --> 00:22:06.122
She hasn't seen anything.
377
00:22:06.142 --> 00:22:11.444
And also like, if she was like, look, I'm really into you, but you got to turn the vulgarity down and be like, I'm good.
378
00:22:11.685 --> 00:22:13.406
I'm actually going to be by myself over there.
379
00:22:14.926 --> 00:22:20.249
The third category you can split in is characteristics that are unchangeable or just not worth changing.
380
00:22:20.269 --> 00:22:21.430
This is where you stand your ground.
381
00:22:22.835 --> 00:22:30.519
If she prefers men eight inches taller than you, you can accept that you are not her physical type without reporting to the medieval stretching rack to try to get taller.
382
00:22:30.539 --> 00:22:33.440
Whatever you like tall, guys, sweet, I'm this height.
383
00:22:35.001 --> 00:22:37.342
Her selection criteria are allowed to exist.
384
00:22:37.362 --> 00:22:38.463
She's allowed to like what she likes.
385
00:22:39.963 --> 00:22:41.444
But they direct you away from her.
386
00:22:42.585 --> 00:22:44.826
Guys, there are millions of girls.
387
00:22:46.126 --> 00:22:47.167
They won't all like you.
388
00:22:47.978 --> 00:22:50.539
Thank God, because if they did, you'd be up shit creek.
389
00:22:51.119 --> 00:22:52.300
Your DMs would be chock full.
390
00:22:52.320 --> 00:22:53.120
You'd be crazy people.
391
00:22:53.140 --> 00:22:54.020
You'd be following you around.
392
00:22:54.040 --> 00:22:54.700
You don't want that.
393
00:22:56.741 --> 00:23:02.303
Of every criticism that you receive from her in this example, you want to ask the question, is this specific?
394
00:23:03.103 --> 00:23:03.984
Is it changeable?
395
00:23:04.704 --> 00:23:06.665
Have credible people said this before?
396
00:23:07.365 --> 00:23:09.626
Would changing this improve my life generally?
397
00:23:09.666 --> 00:23:11.666
Like, oh, she says my breath smells.
398
00:23:11.686 --> 00:23:12.887
Okay, yeah, change.
399
00:23:13.567 --> 00:23:15.228
She said my sense of humor is too crude.
400
00:23:15.348 --> 00:23:16.308
Fuck you, bitch.
401
00:23:17.277 --> 00:23:18.158
Oh, that's not changing.
402
00:23:18.438 --> 00:23:19.378
People like that about me.
403
00:23:19.498 --> 00:23:20.459
I like that about myself.
404
00:23:20.839 --> 00:23:21.379
Not changing.
405
00:23:22.280 --> 00:23:23.560
Do I want to change it?
406
00:23:24.281 --> 00:23:24.981
That's your choice.
407
00:23:27.182 --> 00:23:33.366
I asked my friend once who was super jacked, do girls ever like not like your muscles?
408
00:23:33.646 --> 00:23:37.268
I think he had the best response I've ever heard of any human ever in any question.
409
00:23:37.708 --> 00:23:39.409
He goes, not the girls that I get with.
410
00:23:39.909 --> 00:23:42.271
And I'm like, that's the only answer you ever need.
411
00:23:42.291 --> 00:23:42.831
Yeah.
412
00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:46.982
Like if a girl doesn't like jackdudes, she can tell me or she can not tell me.
413
00:23:47.382 --> 00:23:47.803
I don't care.
414
00:23:49.904 --> 00:23:51.425
You're not denying the rejection.
415
00:23:51.485 --> 00:23:51.985
It happened.
416
00:23:52.906 --> 00:23:55.508
You're containing it with the boundaries of what it actually proves.
417
00:23:55.548 --> 00:23:57.169
And it proves that she's not into that.
418
00:23:57.269 --> 00:23:58.970
And maybe a few other things you can work on.
419
00:23:59.690 --> 00:24:00.291
No big deal.
420
00:24:00.951 --> 00:24:01.752
No big deal at all.
421
00:24:02.712 --> 00:24:04.033
But you got to accept it straight up.
422
00:24:07.235 --> 00:24:08.396
Last one, number five.
423
00:24:10.097 --> 00:24:11.198
This one's one of my favorites.
424
00:24:14.368 --> 00:24:15.829
Close the counterfactual.
425
00:24:16.529 --> 00:24:18.670
Stop talking and thinking about what could have been.
426
00:24:18.930 --> 00:24:20.111
That is a gigantic waste.
427
00:24:21.491 --> 00:24:28.174
And go to your next best reality and start working on that.
428
00:24:28.434 --> 00:24:29.475
This one's my favorite for sure.
429
00:24:31.275 --> 00:24:34.517
Here's an example of what could have happened to you that we can set up and work through this.
430
00:24:35.217 --> 00:24:38.278
Your friends are taking a road trip to a huge music festival.
431
00:24:39.539 --> 00:24:42.120
They have been planning it for months.
432
00:24:43.100 --> 00:24:45.601
and everything is coming together flawlessly.
433
00:24:47.221 --> 00:24:54.583
One of your friends is bringing his cousin, and you and she have been absolutely cooking in the DMs.
434
00:24:57.984 --> 00:24:58.624
You're into her.
435
00:24:59.544 --> 00:25:01.084
She's into you, like for sure.
436
00:25:01.204 --> 00:25:03.345
Like you've talked about it explicitly in DMs.
437
00:25:04.045 --> 00:25:05.665
I cannot wait was mentioned.
438
00:25:06.405 --> 00:25:12.267
This trip is supposed to be your chance to spend real time together and Allah willing
439
00:25:13.590 --> 00:25:16.432
Diplomatically normalize relations, if you know what I mean.
440
00:25:17.352 --> 00:25:22.575
In other words, chat, joke, play fight, sit close together, Dylan.
441
00:25:23.916 --> 00:25:24.896
Hold hands.
442
00:25:25.237 --> 00:25:25.737
A footsie.
443
00:25:26.257 --> 00:25:31.380
Stare at each other with wide eyes, kiss, hug, have the time of your lives.
444
00:25:33.561 --> 00:25:37.664
And then your work schedule comes out for that week.
445
00:25:39.305 --> 00:25:43.207
You're assigned to work the entire long weekend.
446
00:25:45.295 --> 00:25:45.775
What do you do?
447
00:25:45.875 --> 00:25:47.015
Well, you try to solve a problem.
448
00:25:47.656 --> 00:25:49.416
You ask coworkers to trade with you.
449
00:25:49.476 --> 00:25:50.556
Please trade shifts.
450
00:25:51.616 --> 00:25:53.397
But like, they can't.
451
00:25:55.517 --> 00:25:57.718
The one lady's like, I would, but I have a kid at home.
452
00:25:57.738 --> 00:25:59.158
I have to be at a specific certain time.
453
00:25:59.178 --> 00:26:01.339
You're not going to be like, well, leave your kid alone so I can go to a music club.
454
00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:01.759
It's crazy.
455
00:26:03.019 --> 00:26:04.159
You offer favors to people.
456
00:26:04.199 --> 00:26:06.440
They're like, look, literally it's impossible for me.
457
00:26:07.573 --> 00:26:12.615
You plead your case to your manager and your manager's like, look, no one will be at the business if you don't show up.
458
00:26:12.776 --> 00:26:14.076
We're closing our doors then.
459
00:26:14.356 --> 00:26:15.917
And you're like, fuck, okay, that's not going to work.
460
00:26:16.918 --> 00:26:17.518
Nothing works.
461
00:26:18.258 --> 00:26:25.902
Unless you quit your job, you can't go to the music festival and have ultra fun times with your potential new girl of your life.
462
00:26:28.023 --> 00:26:29.203
And this isn't just a job.
463
00:26:29.243 --> 00:26:32.205
It's the beginning of your incredibly fruitful and lucrative career.
464
00:26:32.545 --> 00:26:34.126
This is what you do this job.
465
00:26:34.766 --> 00:26:36.347
Quitting is not an option.
466
00:26:37.587 --> 00:26:39.028
Your friend's cousin, a.k.a.
467
00:26:39.068 --> 00:26:43.833
the love of your life at the moment, won't want you if you're jobless.
468
00:26:46.956 --> 00:26:47.536
So now what?
469
00:26:48.257 --> 00:27:01.089
Now the group chat, which you're still in, of course, is filling with packing lists, playlists, hotel plans, and, of course, messages from the cousin asking if seriously there's no way you can make it.
470
00:27:03.716 --> 00:27:07.717
You keep imagining them driving off together while you sit beneath fluorescent lights at work.
471
00:27:07.917 --> 00:27:14.298
You already know that every photo from the festival is going to feel like intelligence gathered from behind enemy lines.
472
00:27:14.479 --> 00:27:20.220
Like Operation FOMO is about to land ashore in heavy gunfire.
473
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:23.161
I can't believe this is happening without me.
474
00:27:24.821 --> 00:27:26.661
I can't believe this is happening without me.
475
00:27:27.381 --> 00:27:29.362
I can't pause.
476
00:27:31.303 --> 00:27:34.664
The technique now is to close the unavailable timeline.
477
00:27:35.604 --> 00:27:42.125
When something disappointing becomes unavoidable, the mind often keeps comparing real life with the imaginary version that almost happened.
478
00:27:42.525 --> 00:27:49.286
There's you at work under fluorescent lights on a Saturday night, and there's you making out with the cousin and DJ Tiesto playing or something.
479
00:27:51.567 --> 00:27:54.167
The technique here is to cut off the counterfactual.
480
00:27:55.067 --> 00:27:58.328
Once you have made a reasonable attempt to change the situation and it didn't work,
481
00:27:59.147 --> 00:28:04.171
You deliberately stop reopening the unavailable option and invest in the best reality that remains.
482
00:28:05.191 --> 00:28:17.980
The question changes from how do I get the weekend I wanted, that's gone, to what is the best weekend that is still possible, and more, what do I do about little miss cousin girl?
483
00:28:18.481 --> 00:28:20.022
Not your cousin, your friend's cousin.
484
00:28:20.162 --> 00:28:22.824
One of you make sure that's really clear before you get reeled out of nonsense.
485
00:28:23.940 --> 00:28:24.761
So how do you apply it?
486
00:28:24.861 --> 00:28:27.503
First, verify that the constraint is real.
487
00:28:27.803 --> 00:28:33.747
Ask about switching shifts, using paid time off, adjusting the schedule, or accepting a reasonable cost to make the trip happen.
488
00:28:34.147 --> 00:28:34.708
No big deal.
489
00:28:35.728 --> 00:28:40.572
Acceptance shouldn't become an excuse for giving up before checking whether the problem is solvable, but you probably don't need that assistance.
490
00:28:40.592 --> 00:28:41.793
You probably tried everything already.
491
00:28:42.753 --> 00:28:46.956
Once you've exhausted the reasonable options, start looking into unreasonable options.
492
00:28:46.976 --> 00:28:48.297
Can I assassinate my boss?
493
00:28:48.317 --> 00:28:48.797
No, I'm kidding.
494
00:28:49.858 --> 00:28:52.260
Once you've stopped exhausting the reasonable options,
495
00:28:53.738 --> 00:28:55.199
You declare the decision is closed.
496
00:28:55.339 --> 00:28:57.341
You can even say this to yourself out loud.
497
00:29:00.243 --> 00:29:02.404
I cannot go without quitting my job.
498
00:29:04.205 --> 00:29:07.227
I have decided that this festival is not worth me quitting my job.
499
00:29:08.008 --> 00:29:09.529
Therefore, I am not going.
500
00:29:10.530 --> 00:29:11.730
It's a decision you're making.
501
00:29:11.891 --> 00:29:13.492
You're empowered here because you could go.
502
00:29:13.512 --> 00:29:14.572
You quit your job and go.
503
00:29:14.953 --> 00:29:15.593
You're not doing it.
504
00:29:16.934 --> 00:29:20.076
This actually boosts your inner value a ton because like…
505
00:29:21.982 --> 00:29:26.946
If you fold for that puss-puss, quit your job to go get it, it'll deflate you.
506
00:29:27.947 --> 00:29:32.011
Never, ever sacrifice for that little stink between the legs.
507
00:29:32.711 --> 00:29:33.992
You stand on business.
508
00:29:34.032 --> 00:29:34.633
You're a man.
509
00:29:34.653 --> 00:29:36.634
You do what is good for you long term.
510
00:29:38.716 --> 00:29:41.278
And if you fold for puss-puss, the puss-puss doesn't like it.
511
00:29:41.779 --> 00:29:42.820
You ain't folding for nobody.
512
00:29:42.980 --> 00:29:43.700
You're not going.
513
00:29:43.981 --> 00:29:44.801
It's your decision.
514
00:29:45.042 --> 00:29:46.583
You can literally mute the group chat.
515
00:29:47.940 --> 00:29:49.701
Get off social media or mute the stories.
516
00:29:50.361 --> 00:29:55.023
If watching every moment of them being at the festival is going to make you miserable, that isn't weakness.
517
00:29:55.103 --> 00:29:56.163
It's attention management.
518
00:29:56.363 --> 00:29:58.204
You can look at all the bad stuff in the world if you want.
519
00:29:58.224 --> 00:29:59.805
You can be nice and strong and accomplish nothing.
520
00:30:01.225 --> 00:30:05.987
You do not receive personal growth points for live streaming the alternate timeline to your nervous system.
521
00:30:06.147 --> 00:30:06.507
You don't.
522
00:30:06.747 --> 00:30:07.568
It's going to be painful.
523
00:30:07.728 --> 00:30:10.469
It's going to teach you almost nothing.
524
00:30:10.489 --> 00:30:11.369
Here's the kicker.
525
00:30:12.950 --> 00:30:13.910
Here's the kicker.
526
00:30:14.856 --> 00:30:18.718
What you want to do next is start to create the best available replacement.
527
00:30:20.018 --> 00:30:21.459
Hey, you still got a weekend, right?
528
00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:23.900
Plan something enjoyable after work.
529
00:30:25.061 --> 00:30:30.243
Dylan, that one skeezer girl that's been wanting to slob on your knob, hit that bitch up, she's in town.
530
00:30:30.804 --> 00:30:32.764
I'm kidding, that was not on my to-do list.
531
00:30:33.645 --> 00:30:35.806
But I ain't saying that's not, do you feel me?
532
00:30:35.906 --> 00:30:36.626
I'm just going to shut up.
533
00:30:37.707 --> 00:30:40.688
Train, see another friend, wink, wink.
534
00:30:41.409 --> 00:30:44.470
Buy tickets for another event that you know you're going to be off work for.
535
00:30:45.967 --> 00:30:49.029
Most importantly, you want to do this in this situation.
536
00:30:50.490 --> 00:30:54.333
Private DM the cousin and schedule an actual date.
537
00:30:56.875 --> 00:30:58.136
Be like, dude, this weekend is dead.
538
00:30:58.156 --> 00:31:00.658
She's like, I know, but I still want to see you.
539
00:31:01.558 --> 00:31:02.279
I want to see you too.
540
00:31:03.059 --> 00:31:04.500
Are you available next Friday?
541
00:31:04.961 --> 00:31:05.381
Let me look.
542
00:31:05.941 --> 00:31:06.282
Yeah.
543
00:31:08.463 --> 00:31:13.767
The festival was definitely a cool opportunity, but it's not the last helicopter leaving Saigon.
544
00:31:15.068 --> 00:31:18.549
If she likes you, another date isn't going to happen.
545
00:31:18.949 --> 00:31:22.050
And look, the replacement weekend for this weekend might not be equally exciting.
546
00:31:22.370 --> 00:31:23.410
You don't have to pretend that it is.
547
00:31:23.430 --> 00:31:29.732
You're like, well, I'm not gonna be dancing with the love of my life, but I'll sure get to watch some home movies.
548
00:31:30.412 --> 00:31:31.413
Okay, it's not the same thing.
549
00:31:31.473 --> 00:31:32.533
But you can at least...
550
00:31:33.422 --> 00:31:38.065
Stop pouring emotional energy into a version of reality that is no longer available.
551
00:31:38.145 --> 00:31:39.086
It never was.
552
00:31:39.866 --> 00:31:42.748
There's only one reality, and you're not at the festival in it.
553
00:31:43.068 --> 00:31:50.093
So as soon as stuff doesn't go your way, your next and only question is, given that this is reality,
554
00:31:50.513 --> 00:31:53.894
How do I capitalize on what I have to do best?
555
00:31:54.435 --> 00:31:58.336
You run out of AR rounds, you switch to your pistol.
556
00:31:58.756 --> 00:32:00.917
You run out of pistol rounds, you switch to your knife.
557
00:32:01.437 --> 00:32:07.380
Your knife gets lodged in the zombie bear's skull and he dies, but there's a zombie lion coming to you.
558
00:32:07.540 --> 00:32:09.821
Use your claws and your fucking hands.
559
00:32:11.021 --> 00:32:13.222
The next best thing, period.
560
00:32:15.988 --> 00:32:18.749
You don't get to choose how reality unfolds.
561
00:32:19.250 --> 00:32:22.572
You get a vote, but sometimes life cuts you a raw deal anyway.
562
00:32:23.852 --> 00:32:28.615
You're gonna shake, you're gonna stumble, but you will level out.
563
00:32:29.815 --> 00:32:31.496
You will stabilize emotionally.
564
00:32:31.816 --> 00:32:34.198
You will think more clearly and you will be strong.
565
00:32:36.019 --> 00:32:42.102
And then you might apply a few of these five tips in accepting reality and moving forward.
566
00:32:44.074 --> 00:32:47.618
And things will get better and better and better.
567
00:32:49.520 --> 00:32:50.742
Because you're capable.
568
00:32:52.444 --> 00:32:55.427
And I, for one, I believe in you.
569
00:32:55.908 --> 00:32:56.689
I really fucking do.
570
00:32:59.092 --> 00:33:00.033
I'll see you guys next time.
571
00:33:00.273 --> 00:33:00.994
DM that cousin.
572
00:33:01.374 --> 00:33:01.715
Trust me.
