Loving Selflessly

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Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
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If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage.
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We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.
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We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.
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Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
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We're Doug and Leslie Davis and we are so glad that you've joined us today, and today we're going to be looking at loving selflessly.
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This is a topic that is really important after the interview that we had last week that was directed toward couples who are currently separated.
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This is a preemptive approach to being able to do the things that might have started a drift differently, so that the drift goes away and you can draw closer to one another instead of finding yourself at a place where you're separated.
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You know, god gives us the opportunity every day to love like Jesus, and if you describe the way that Jesus loves, this word has got to be at the top of the list, and that is that selfless love that he exuberated and he calls us to love our spouse in that kind of way.
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So today we're going to talk about four different ways to love your spouse selflessly.
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And again, looking at the excitement.
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This is whether you have been really loving your spouse in a productive way, if you've been struggling a little bit, or even if you feel yourself drifting, regardless of where you are.
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These are things that you can do that will improve the status of your relationship, whether you're whatever the status of your relationship is and I think when we started formulating this content, we the word pre-emptive really came up too, because after our conversation last week on, you know how to deal with a relationship that's already separated, if you're already separated with your spouse.
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You know, as we were talking with Randy prior last week, his his skill set is to help couples reconnect after they've already separated, and one of the things that just kept coming up over and over again was he was teaching men to connect with their separated wives in a very selfless way, and we just noticed that that that was kind of an underlying thing, and so we wanted to talk to you today about how to love selflessly.
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Right.
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And so, as we look at those things, the very first thing on our list of ways that you can love selflessly is to have the right mindset, and it was one of the things that Randy talked about early, but it also is something that we get to read about in 1 Corinthians 10 24, because God's word says no one should seek his own good, but instead the good of the other person.
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And we learned last week in the interview that Randy tries to encourage men do the right thing to love your separated spouse, even when it means that you expect nothing at all in return, don't expect a certain reaction, don't expect reciprocation.
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And one of the things that we learned from that is that that kind of a mindset is something that will help you be able to love your spouse better while you are married.
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It's not something that should just be expected when you've reached the point of separation.
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So, preemptively, have the right mindset.
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Do what's good for your spouse, expecting nothing in return.
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I think one of the hard part about this is because we hear that verse that no one should seek his own good and people stop listening right there because the thought is that if I don't seek my own good, nobody's going to seek my own good.
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And that's not true, because when you implement this verse and the truth of this verse, god is going to be the one that seeks your own good.
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And that's sometimes a really hard transition in our Christian walk to put into place, but we just have to have faith that that's true, that when we start putting the good of our spouse before seeking our own good, that God is going to honor that and good things are going to come of that, regardless of what that may look like, even if we don't know what like that's what faith is right Not knowing that, knowing of the things that are.
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I'm misquoting that, quote that verse.
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What is that Faith is?
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evidence of things unseen, that's it, evidence of things unseen.
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And as we look at what this verse really says don't seek your own good, but instead the good of the other person.
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It doesn't mean that you should never seek your own good.
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I mean we know that if you're hungry, you should eat, and that's for your good, and when you're tired you should sleep.
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Those are things that are for your good.
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So it doesn't say don't seek your own good.
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What it says is, instead of seeking your own good in every situation, you're supposed to seek the good of the other person.
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In this case, seek the good of your spouse.
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And so when what's good for your spouse is different than what you think is good for you, seek what's good for your spouse.
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You know it doesn't mean that you're not going to receive the things you need.
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God's faithful and Leslie just shared absolutely God's faithful.
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He's going to provide for you and you're supposed to do the things that are good for you when God shows you that they're there.
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Get sleep when you need it, Eat when you need to Do those things, but when it comes into conflict with what's good for your spouse, do what's good for your spouse.
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I like that example of when you're hungry, eat.
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A good example of thinking about what would be good for your spouse is that if you know your spouse hasn't had vegetables for three or four meals and you guys are hungry and you're planning the meal plan to have vegetables because you know your husband hasn't had vegetables in three meals or whatever, so that's thinking of his good before your own.
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And staying with that food analogy, another example If Leslie didn't like fish very much but I loved it which I don't Making supper then, instead of because, again, what's good for us is to eat, instead of you know, because, again, what's good for us is to eat.
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But if I knew that she really, really, really likes, you know, chicken, but she doesn't like fish, making chicken for her instead of making fish because it's what I want and she won't eat.
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It is the right choice to love selflessly.
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If you haven't caught it, he does most of the cooking in our house and I'm very thankful for that.
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Now, in the process of that, it leads us to the second thing we want to point out of how you can love your spouse selflessly.
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So, after you have the right mindset, where you're thinking about your spouse more than yourself, or before yourself, then be ready to compromise.
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Now there are going to be things that are going to be for the good of both of you, something that you want, but be ready to compromise.
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I'll give you a great example.
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If I decided you know, I really want a date.
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We haven't been out for a while.
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It's going to be good for both of us.
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I want a date, but then thinking you know, it started with what I want.
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There's nothing wrong with that.
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But then thinking about my spouse as more important than myself, the compromise is I'd like to go on a date that I know she'll like, instead of picking something that I'm sure I'll like but she might not, you know.
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So being able to go to dinner and a movie is something that she would like.
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I'll choose to do that instead of seeing if she wants to go fishing tonight with me, because I would love that, but she might not as much.
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Might not.
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Okay, she wouldn't, definitely not.
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Yeah, definitely not.
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But being ready to compromise means because you know your spouse, you know some of the things that make them happy.
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Now, again, because she loves me, when she's considering me, we may end up doing something like going fishing or, you know, going for a long walk, which you know sometimes isn't necessarily her favorite of the things to do, but she'll do those things for me, I'll do those things for her, and again, it's not.
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You shouldn't live selflessly, expecting your spouse to live selflessly towards you, but the cool side effect is usually that's what happens.
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I think that's a good caveat to talk about.
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Right, there is because a lot of times we go into, hey, I'm going to do this selfless act, and then there's the expectation that my husband or my spouse is going to react in a certain way and they don't.
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And then we hold them hostage with it and you know, and remind them of all the good we did right, and that's not what living selflessly or loving selflessly is about that's living like a terrorist right, right.
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and so you know, um, being able to love your spouse selflessly, without expectation, is really important.
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It's a really important thing to just be aware, just be aware of your expectations that come about, because a lot of times we have expectations that cause us to be disappointed when we're trying something new or trying something greater and those expectations aren't met.
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But don't give up, just keep trying.
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Right, and again, it's not.
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You should never expect reciprocation, but over and, over and over again, one of the things that we've seen in our relationship and I've seen it in others' relationships too when I am being genuinely loved in a selfless way, there is this natural thing within me that wants to love her back in a selfless way.
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Now again, don't have the expectation of you should be doing this, because I'm doing this for you, but very often that's what you'll see happen.
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Are you and your spouse feeling distant lately?
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So far we've been talking about things, you know, changing your mindset and then being able to compromise with how you do things, but it's something that benefits both of you.
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Occasionally you're gonna find something that is going to be very, very good for your spouse, but it's not necessarily something that you really want to do at all, but you know it's good for them, or it's something that they could do without you, but it would be better if you were there helping them, and in those cases you might not want to, because those types of situations come up too, and so if we want to love selflessly, let's address those.
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We're going to call those going the extra mile.
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Go the extra mile for them.
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Jesus in Matthew 5, 41 tells all of us as followers of Christ if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him too.
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Go that second mile.
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And so what we get to see is, if there's something that I could do that would benefit my spouse, I need to be willing to go that extra mile and just go all the way.
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Be careful that you don't try to keep score in these areas.
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Be careful that you don't develop any kind of martyr syndrome in these areas.
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Because some of these, sometimes this is hard, because these are things that you don't want to do, you know, but there's a need to do them, because you're thinking about your spouse before you're thinking about your own self, and this is the area where sacrifice really comes into play, because you're sacrificing the things that you want to do, or you're sacrificing your own will because you know this is what's best for your spouse.
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Right and you know, and sometimes it's something that that you would never do if it was just you Understanding that what you're doing is because of the love that you have for your spouse and this will truly benefit them.
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Needs to needs to really be something you keep in the front of your mind.
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An example of this that comes to mind is a couple who is struggling having a child and they realize that having a biological child is not going to be in their future.
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And if one of the spouses says, this is something that I want, I want a biological child, and it divides the relationship, that's not going the extra mile.
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The extra mile would be committing to the relationship and committing to the marriage and saying, okay, I will give up my dream of having a biolo, a biological child, and we find a different way to make our family complete.
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You know, that's what it what it looks like by going the extra mile.
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It may be some of those really, really hard places in life that you, in order to prioritize the relationship, you have to sacrifice some of your dreams, some of your goals, some of your time, some of your effort.
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You know a lot of those things, anything really.
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Well, and you know sometimes it's going to be family related, sometimes it's going to be work related.
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You know your spouse may have some kind of a company picnic and they're really expected to be there and you don't want to go, but it's going to be good for them for you to go, and so not only do you go, but you go with the right attitude and the right heart.
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Going that extra mile doesn't mean okay, I'll do it.
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It means that you do it the right way and you do it for your spouse is good.
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You know it could also be some of the chores that go on.
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You know there are certain chores that every single one of us doesn't like to do and you know you can really be a blessing to your spouse when you come alongside them in those things that they just don't like to do.
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It's uncomfortable, they struggle with it, it makes them have all kinds of feelings that attack their self-worth.
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You could come alongside even though you might not like to put away laundry or you may not like to do dishes or power wash the porch or whatever it is that.
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You know maybe it's a once in a season thing that you do.
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Whatever it is.
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That is that thing being willing to go the extra mile with them and for them is something that will bless you greatly.
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You know one of the things that that happened just recently.
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Uh, we had a rainstorm coming in and I needed to weed the front flower garden at our house, and so I'm out there trying to beat the rain.
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Leslie does not necessarily like to pull weeds it is not her favorite thing to do but being out there with me was the blessing not necessarily doing the work and she didn't just stay out there with me.
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She stayed out there with me and helped a little bit, even though I knew it was something that she didn't like to do.
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I even planted a flower.
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She even planted a flower and repotted a flower.
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And you know that might seem like a small thing but it's really not.
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It wasn't something that she enjoyed.
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We were able to do it together.
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It was something, you know trying to race to beat the storm that was coming in put that little bit of extra pressure on, and she was willing to go that extra mile in a place that wasn't necessarily her favorite place to be, and so it's really a blessing when you get to see the opportunities to do those things for your spouse.
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Yeah.
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Now, our final thing that we'd like to encourage you all to do is to make a conscious choice to perform at least one act of kindness daily.
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Just make it a goal to perform one act of kindness a day.
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Now, let's define an act of kindness, because we're not talking about a behavior that is done with the intent of getting something.
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Right.
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That's not what we're talking about.
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We're talking about a selfless act that you perform for your spouse without the intention of getting anything in return.
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Just because.
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Just because you love them.
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And so it's going to look different in every single couple's life.
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It's going to look different in each individual in how you are able to show that act of kindness towards your spouse.
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We'll give you a few examples.
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Here's one that we do and I love it is we get to snuggle with each other.
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That is non-sexual.
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I like the sexual snuggling too, but the non-sexual touch is because touch is one of my minor love languages, but it's still one of my love languages, so I love it when we get to snuggle.
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And you can do things like finding a chore that has backed up and has caused stress and just without even mentioning it, you just notice it.
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So you could like go put the laundry away, or you could vacuum the rug just because you saw it needed to be done, and it's an act of kindness that would help make them your spouse's day better, because one of the things that's causing your spouse stress has been removed from their plate.
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Wives, one of the things that you can do for your husband is to ask him what would make his day less stressful, and do that for him Now another act of kindness this is one that you know for a lot of us may go unnoticed, but the blessing won't go unnoticed is make a conscious choice not to complain about anything for the next 24 hours.
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Wait, what 24 hours.
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Make a conscious choice not to complain, because the blessing will be there, even if it's not noticed the way it should be.
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The blessing will be there.
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We can do that, ladies.
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We could do 24 hours Right.
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And gentlemen, you see your wife walk in with groceries without being asked.
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Just jump up and help grab the grocery bags and take them where they need to go Ladies flirt.
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Yes, it's okay.
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Yeah, it is okay, you should do that.
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That's a good thing, gentlemen, you can make sure that you compliment her correctly.
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Don't say something that's not true, but acknowledge your wife.
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That's the real word.
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Acknowledge your wife, uh, regardless of who's there.
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So if it's in front of your friends, in front of her friends, doesn't matter.
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Acknowledge what she does.
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I think that one is huge because it not only sends a message connecting the couple, but it protects the couple.
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And you know, because your friends will notice like there's there's no fracture there, you know there's no, there's.
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It's it's game on with that couple.
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Right that they're.
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That couple is not going to be at risk for an affair because when you're complimenting each other in front of your friends, like your friends know that you have a rock solid relationship you know, and but there's so many other things that you can do you can plan some kind of a really fun date for one another.
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You know, I think we hear a lot we've heard a lot on social media and whatever about carrying the mental load.
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I think this could come out in that planning a date, because a lot of times, like here's how the conversation will go down well, you want to go out Friday night?
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Sure, I want to go out Friday night.
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Okay, what do you want to do?
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Well, I don't know.
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I don't know what do you want to do?
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Where do you want to go eat?
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And there's nobody willing to kind of step up to that mental load and make those decisions.
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You know, if you know husbands, especially if you know that your wife is tired mentally, make those decisions for her or give the choice hey, do you want to go to this restaurant or that restaurant?
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So it's a smaller, smaller mental load.
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Well, and it's not just on date night With some of you.
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You make so many decisions through the week that you have decision fatigue and you're worn out.
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Like so many decisions through the week that you have decision fatigue and you're worn out.
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And so one of the ways to love selflessly if I'm the spouse of the person with decision fatigue is I can make those decisions that they don't have to make.
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I can make them so that it's a blessing for them.
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Because those of you who are the decision makers, all the time there comes a point where you just don't want to anymore.
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But at the same time, there may be an opportunity where you're not making decisions about your own life very often and the real blessing is you being able to be the one that makes that decision.
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So, again, recognize where your spouse is at.
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You know, if your spouse is making decisions for toddlers all day but not for adults, and one of the things that would be a great blessing to her is that she gets to make the grown-up decisions tonight, you know that.
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Love her by letting her do that.
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If she's got decision fatigue, love her by making the decision for her.
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But again, do you see how?
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It's not about what you're doing.
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It's about loving selflessly, recognizing a need.
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It's about loving selflessly, recognizing a need and being very intentional about performing an act that will be kind and loving when it's received by your spouse.
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Yeah, and I think talking about that about where you're at and what the need is is so important and it makes this so much easier because you've talked about those things, you know, you've connected on an intimate level and you know what the needs are.
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I'm going to link an article in the show notes that has a hundred different ways.
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So you can perform an act of kindness for your spouse.
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Yeah, that you can perform an act of kindness for your spouse.
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Some of them are pretty funny and some of them are very doable.
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Right, most of them are very doable, actually.
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Well, and with everything that we've looked at today, regardless of where you are in your relationship, these things are very, very doable, all four of them.
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And so when we're talking about loving selflessly, the very first thing again is just make sure that your mindset's right.
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It's not always about you and we don't mean to make it about us, but sometimes we get stuck in such a rut that we're just on autopilot doing things that are about us Having the right mindset that we can seek the good of our spouse instead of just what's good for us.
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All of us can do this, but we have to be intentional about it.
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Intentional about it being ready to compromise, because when we see something that would be good for us, that I want to do this for us, but then doing the version that would bless my wife the most, thinking of her first Example I want to go on a date.
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How about we go to the places she likes to go?
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Those types of things Going the extra mile, because sometimes you're called to not only be selfless, but to be selfless in a way that isn't something that's sacrificial.
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You don't want to do it, but you get the privilege to do it.
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And then, of course, being very, very purposeful about performing an act of kindness every day to let your spouse know I'm thinking about you, not just about myself.
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I love you, and I about myself.
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I love you.
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And I want to demonstrate kindness to you, and there's no expectation of anything in return.
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That's huge, because no expectation of anything in return is going to be a place where you get to see that love be received, that selflessness be received.
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And, over time, trust gets built and faith grows.
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So again we're Doug and Leslie Davis.
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This is the Vision Driven Marriage podcast.
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Today we've been looking at loving selflessly.
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We want to encourage you, where you're at, to love your spouse selflessly, and we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage.