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Welcome to the Midnight Release presents Midnight Reflections with Chase.
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Today's episode is called It's Okay to Say It Hurts.
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Welcome back as we get into what is now our fifth segment of Midnight Reflections.
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And you know, most of our episodes, you know, are an hour and a half or so.
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Two hours if we want to have a big one like we did a few weeks ago.
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But the Midnight Reflections episodes are spontaneous, not on a schedule, extremely introspective on a particular topic that literally just kind of jumps in my head.
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We have gone through several different things.
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Our most recent was about collecting memories and not things, uh, you know, physical media and things like that, uh, memory anchors, if you will.
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And actually, this might be the fourth.
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This might be the fourth.
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I've lost track of how many of these we've done.
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But then we also had our Father's Day kind of episode around paternal passions, and then we also talked about 1998 and how significant that year was.
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Oh, we did have another one.
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It was the the one about numbers in 724.
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But uh today's is also again spontaneous in nature.
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I woke up this morning, it popped in my head, and immediately decided to record.
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We also normally, when we do drop these, I'll do it like midweek, even if I do record it like instantly.
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But it might drop a little early.
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We'll see.
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It depends on when you're listening to this.
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But really, just to kind of lay the land of how we do these, it's kind of some general narrative and just discussion and uh on a you know on this topic, and then uh a little bit of reflection, and that's it.
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You know, pretty informal, pretty casual, uh, but could be heavy.
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And I think today's is uh probably one of those.
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And the idea of it's okay to say it hurts can carry a lot of weight when you hear that topic.
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It's like, well, what in the world is he gonna talk about today?
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And really, I'm going to acknowledge a lot of the hypocrisy in what I'm going to say because of how I conduct myself and the things that I'm saying, I I don't necessarily listen to or follow, and probably need to.
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But basically, that's it's it's we're not just talking uh physical pain or or mental pain or emotional pain.
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It's it's it's really about how I am someone who takes a lot of pride in not having to bother people with whatever pain it is and running from being an inconvenience, basically.
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But you know, let's just go ahead and just jump right into kind of the narrative around today, and it's okay to say it hurts.
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So I'm not gonna get in the weeds as to uh what uh or why this episode has come to mind this morning.
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That's irrelevant, but you know some of us spend our entire lives believing that that pain is something that we're supposed to overcome quietly.
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You could argue there's gender uh things with that, but I I'm not getting into that aspect of it.
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You know, it's just the general concept around that pain, you know, pain is something we're supposed to just just work through and overcome quietly.
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We we work through it, we joke about it, we minimize it, you know, we say, oh, it's nothing, you know, or my favorite, you know, it's fine, it's all good.
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Oh fine.
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You know, uh comparison is the you know, you hear that phrase that uh what is it?
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Comparison is the theft of joy when thinking about like social media and like seeing people on vacations and all of that, but there's also you know, other people have it worse, which and again I already mentioned about the level of hypocrisy that I'm gonna feel as I talk through some of these things, and the idea of hey, you shouldn't you know worry about other people having it worse or going through a worse situation because that doesn't devalue what you're going through.
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And you know, kind of my my I don't want to say a favorite, that's the worst word to use in this connotation, but the the whole thing around not wanting to bother anyone or not wanting to inconvenience anyone or anything you know like that, you know, we become so good at dismissing ourselves that you know the people around us they may not even know what's going on.
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Again, whether we're talking physical or mental or emotional, and even for someone like me who's not overly emotional in general, you know, there might be something going on.
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Um, the the the reason behind this, you know, is like I am someone so each of these episodes, there's a narrative involved, very personal stories.
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It's not just me speaking philosophically or or whatever I'm doing at this point in time.
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It's also like five in the morning for the record, so there is also that.
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I have had my coffee though, but I am someone who you ask anyone and they know it, like I am notoriously that person who you know, no matter what kind of physical thing is going on, I'm I'm never ever going to stop what I am doing on the day-to-day.
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And what I mean by that is so I have an insanely high pain tolerance, and that came from a leg injury when I was in like seventh grade.
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I broke my leg playing football and I broke it in two places, and I went from approximately 7:30 p.m.
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until about 1 a.m.
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without any kind of pain medicine, not even Tylenol.
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And when they did give me something at the hospital, it was morphine.
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That's when I discovered I'm allergic to morphine, and they had to flush it out of my system, and then literally they set my my leg, they set both bones with no pain medication.
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And I attribute my high pain tolerance to that moment because I will forever compare any kind of physical pain to that situation, you know, and I was in a cast for like six months or something like that, and but you know, outside of that, I think that's where my high pain tolerance came from.
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But there have been, and and frankly, some of these stories have come up on the pod, kind of organically, especially when talking about GameStop, and when I worked at GameStop.
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But I had several different kinds of instances where I at GameStop I had uh a couple pretty pretty weird episodes when I was there, and I say weird episodes because there was one time, and and I know there are some people that listen to this pod uh who are very directly involved in this story, so I'm I I'm not sure if they'll remember it, but it wound up being related to to stress and anxiety and a genetic disorder.
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But basically, I was I was working at GameStop and I had a moment where essentially I had like a mini stroke, basically.
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That's the only way to compare it visually with with uh drooping of the face and and and hands like you locking up, and it was a very strange and terrifying thing.
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Had to shut the store down.
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Luckily, the my manager at the time, uh my friend at the time, you know, shut the store down, called in the ambulance, and they came and ended up going to the hospital and and everything.
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And literally that happened at work.
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And I mean, I was back to work the next day, like it was kind of like okay, you know, it is what it is.
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And like I said, that wound up being you could argue that was mental health related, but nonetheless, went okay, whatever, back the next day.
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You know, I had another instance where I got in a car accident and uh had a concussion and you know, went to work basically like the next day, worked the whole day by myself, was really struggling to breathe, didn't know why.
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And after I I closed, it was the night of a midnight release for uh uh Left 4 Dead 2 and Assassin's Creed 2, and we closed early and we like I left, and I remember I called a girlfriend of mine at the time asking if she could add to pull off the side of the road because I was struggling to breathe.
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And I called an ex-girlfriend at the time and I asked because I was right by her neighborhood if she'd come pick me up, and it took me a lot to make that phone call.
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But I was literally sitting on the side of Outer Loop, struggling to breathe by her neighborhood, and and I called to see if she'd pick me up, take me to the ER.
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She hung up on me, which makes sense, and that's fair.
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And so then I called my mom and I asked her what the hospital with the least amount of waiting time was, or maybe I texted her, I can't really remember.
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And she told me, and then I drove myself to that that hospital.
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Well, I I passed out walking into that hospital, and I don't remember anything after that until I woke up uh in a hospital bed, and what had happened is I had passed out.
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Well, my left lung had been completely collapsed by uh basically that car accident from a couple days prior.
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I had been taking shallow breaths all day because of the bruising on my ribs that resulted in my lung collapsing.
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So they had to do, they had to like flush me with adrenaline, do something to get it back lined out.
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Anyway, I was there basically all night, and then they prescribed me Vicodin to get me through the day.
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Well, I had to work the next day.
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So this was a midnight release game.
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So literally I get to the ER, we're talking like 1.15.
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By the time I leave, it's like five or six in the morning.
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And if you all know GameStop, GameStop's open at 10.
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You have to be at the store at 9 to open.
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So I literally just went to a pharmacy, got this Viking filled, and I worked it.
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I had another open to close.
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I worked two open to closes back to back.
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I worked the the day from 9 a.m.
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until 1 a.m.
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for the midnight release on Tuesday.
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And then on Wednesday, I was back at work at 9 a.m.
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and I worked till 9 p.m.
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And you know, that's obviously just one example, but you know, I I very obviously like that that that is the type of person, you know, I didn't want to have to miss work, I didn't want to have to bother anyone.
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You know, it took a lot for me to call that ex-girlfriend.
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Uh my mom obviously wasn't happy with me when I told her about it after the fact.
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And, you know, that's just retail.
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And I had a lot of retail examples kind of like that.
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But even in a professional environment, you know, my friends laugh and joke all the time that I'm the person that will not go to the doctor for anything, no matter what it is.
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And basically, when I do, it results in some kind of hospital admission.
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You know, that example I just said is one.
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But when I was kind of in that professional world and not retail anymore, you know, same thing.
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I was I was feeling a kind of way, and you know, all day long kind of leaning and hunching over and all that.
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And I remember getting home and I I was living with my roommate at the time, my buddy Quentin, and I came downstairs and he said, Man, you doing okay?
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I said, No, I'm gonna go to the emergency room, like real cavalier.
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And he was like, Why?
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I said, Well, because I have a have really high pain tolerance, and considering I'm at like an eight or nine right now, that's a problem.
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And so I go to the hospital, and uh lo and behold, I had a gangrenous appendix, and they said that they were gonna have to take my appendix out.
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My first immediate thought, by the way, was you know, okay, well, I'll just like give me some medicine, I'll go home and then I'll schedule this.
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Because at the time, I wasn't even working full-time um in the professional environment.
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I had taken on an internship, and they they were paying me enough where I could leave my my full-time retail job, but you know, obviously I wanted to get hired full-time, so my focus was on working.
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And they were like, uh, no, we're gonna admit you tonight, and you know, we're gonna we're gonna do the surgery in the morning.
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I was flabbergasted.
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Of course, I started asking about recovery time and everything else.
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And now I did just get kind of an update on this story last night, but basically I text my mom, like, I'm all, you know, I got some kind of drip for the pain or whatever.
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I text my mom, let her know that hey, I'm having my appendix taken out in the morning.
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And I don't even think I told her which hospital, but I passed out from from just being tired from the pain medicine or whatever.
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And you know, she was there whenever I woke up the next morning.
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Now I since learned that you know, she of course came to the hospital, and there was a big, long, drawn-out kind of issue where uh they didn't know where I was, and uh they did this completely unnecessary, dramatic situation where like she she didn't know if I was dead or not.
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Like it was awful.
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Like that the hospital did not handle that situation very well.
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But you know, the next time I went to a doctor's office or a hospital was same thing.
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It was a couple years later, and it resulted in me having my gallbladder out, you know.
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In each of those situations, I was back working the next day.
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Like I just was very just boom, boom, boom, okay, let's keep trucking.
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You know, boom, boom, boom, okay, let's keep trucking.
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And, you know, the same thing kind of goes with like ailments, like when you think of the flu and pneumonia and and things like that.
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And I I do want to say I'm not this whole concept of you know, it's okay to say it hurts.
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You know, I know right now I'm talking about everything physical and and personal anecdotes and stories.
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I will say I'm not gonna touch on COVID at all.
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I think all of us know and remember everything that has to do with COVID.
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The only way I'm gonna touch on that is the way that my it did pivot my mindset a little bit because it kind of had to.
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But, you know, when it comes to non-surgical related things, you know, I'm someone I've taken a lot of, I've always taken a lot of pride in that nothing ever takes me down, you know, when it comes to any kind of ailment.
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Like you people have heard me say that phrase, like, yeah, nothing takes me down.
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Nothing takes me down, you know.
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I just had a root canal last week and I literally worked the same day.
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That's again the hypocrisy around what I'm talking about right now, is obviously as recently as last week.
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You know, most people were like, How are you not taking off the rest of it for a root canal?
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I was like, I mean, my face will be numb, it'll be fine.
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See, there you go, me saying it'll be fine.
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Again, hypocrisy, right?
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But you know, I I before COVID, I was that person blue.
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I didn't care if I was contagious, I didn't care, like I still went to work.
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Now, I acknowledge the recklessness of that now, but at the time I didn't.
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And I quite literally traveled, I went to a job fair, I went out of town for training, did all kinds of things while I felt like crap.
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And eventually I had to uh I didn't have a choice.
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Kind of the same thing that happened with the first story.
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I woke up in the middle of the night, was really struggling to breathe, and I was able to get my breath.
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But when I woke up that next morning, it was definitely a decision that I needed to go to the doctor to figure out what was going on.
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And I found out that I had two different flu strains.
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Uh, I also had pneumonia in both lungs, and one lung was like almost full, and my my oxygen was at like 88 or something like that.
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Now, you may be hearing this and being like, Well, that sounded like peak COVID.
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Well, no, this was at the end of 2019, so don't start making patient zero jokes or anything.
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It it wasn't that.
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But I was forced to by the doctor.
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Like I said, hey, I have to, this was on a Thursday.
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I said, Well, I have to leave for New Orleans on Sunday.
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And they're like, Yeah, that's unless you take a couple of days to to chill out, you're not gonna be going to New Orleans.
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And they literally they said you need to take off Thursday and Friday.
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If you take off Thursday and Friday with this medicine, you'll probably feel okay to travel on on Sunday.
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And I wasn't happy about it, of course, but I did take off.
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And it's because I was forced to, you know, basically.
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Uh, but I did go to New Orleans on Sunday.
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But I'm gonna tell you right now, the medicine that I was on, one was this syrup called finegrin, and uh I taught a class, but I couldn't tell you what I taught that day.
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I remember waking up, I remember waking up the next day.
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That's it.
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I don't remember anything else in between.
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And yeah, it was a little rough.
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It was a little rough, but um I mean it's just that again, notoriously, I I that's what I've done.
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I've just pushed through these things, not worried about anything.
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And and I acknowledge everything I'm talking about right now is is physical, you know.
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Um, with the exception of the GameStop stuff, because that wound up being kind of like I said, is more stress and anxiety related.
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But I've done all these things, and and you know, outside of the things I mentioned specifically, you know, I've had like I don't know, 10 or 12 concussions in my life between football injuries, between car accidents, uh, I've been jumped a few times, and you know, you guys you could argue maybe that's uh not very good, but but anyway, I I I have always just taken so much pride in that, like to this day, like nothing takes me out.
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You know, I'm gonna push through, I'm not gonna bother anybody, you know, focusing on this thing for myself.
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And we're not talking about personal things selfishly, we're talking about these these these health things, these whether it's mental health, physical health, whatever it is.
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You know, I've just dismissed that.
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You know, there's no reason to bog others down with it.
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Oh, it's you know, no big deal.
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And you know, we essentially people aren't like this, which I am, and and you know, we get so good at just kind of dismissing all of these things that you know, and I think I mentioned this at the starter that people don't really realize what's going on inside.
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Because I will say, all those things that I just talked about and how eager I am to get back to work and not bother people and and just keep on trucking, I reflect back and I definitely feel a kind of way internally.
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Like when I tough out working feeling like trash, I hate it.
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And think to myself, like, man, why don't I take off?
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Like, what is going on, you know, or or you know, if it's something like when I had my appendectomy and my gallbladder, I mean any kind of surgery, you don't know what's gonna happen, you know, but I and I do worry about it, but I never have to I I never show that, you know, and you know, the thing that we we have to think about and and what I tell myself all the time, and that's why this is a reflection, you know, is just because we we need someone in those moments, you know, it doesn't make us weak.
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And I mean even just saying that, like I I know I know I don't I don't think that way I know I need to you know, but needing or wanting someone in physical, mental, or emotional tumultuous times doesn't it doesn't make you weak.
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You know, letting someone be there or sit beside you doesn't make you weak.
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You know, my story about my my surgery, I didn't want to inconvenience my my mom or anyone, so I just kinda sent a text and went about my business, but you know, it'd be Nice to have somebody there.
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But I didn't want to bother anybody.
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You know that situation that happened at GameStop, the anxiety-induced stroke-like symptoms situation, that was that was a really terrifying moment for me.
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And I remember feeling so bad that we had to close the store and everything that happened through that.
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And the thing is, I I know I feel a kind of way about that situation, but I know the person that was there who would listen to this pod would tell me like there was no reason for me to feel bad, that they wanted to be there for me, and they wanted to get that situation, but the level of inconvenience that I felt that I caused them was insane.
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You know, and I mean I don't know.
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:51.359
I tell myself all the time that myself personally and maybe others in this situation, you know, we don't have to earn the right, essentially, to be be cared for by first providing how much pain we can tolerate.
00:23:51.759 --> 00:23:58.720
And I mean, again, I'm not fully convinced of it myself, but I'm I'm working toward it.
00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:03.039
And frankly, recording this is one of those things to maybe help me get there.
00:24:03.759 --> 00:24:15.440
And trying to know that I I don't have to necessarily carry everything by myself just because I've always been good at it.
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:28.000
And you know, it's not just this isn't just talking to me, you know, it's anyone the whole purpose of these episodes is that maybe it uh hits close to home and resonates with somebody.
00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:36.640
But you know, it's it's it is okay to say it hurts.
00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:39.440
I may not always believe it.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:48.720
And I may not always be okay with saying it hurts, but I'm trying to get better about it.
00:24:49.279 --> 00:25:01.359
And no matter if it's a a physical thing going on, a mental thing going on, an emotional thing going on, you know, it's it's it's it's okay.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:38.240
And look, most recently, and I'm not getting into the weeds on this, but you know, most recently I I've been fortunate enough to have some friends in my life and family, but I've been fortunate enough to have some friends in my life that everything that I have talked about during this reflection thus far, and the hypocrisy that I know I display in not listening to these kinds of things about you know, just working through things and joking about it, minimizing it.
00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:39.759
Oh, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine.
00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:52.880
I am fortunate enough to have some friends and and family that I don't feel these issues with, that I truly can kind of show that vulnerability.
00:25:53.920 --> 00:26:08.559
And I haven't really thought about it until right now, but it it it really means a lot for those those individuals to to to be there.
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:30.400
I I hope that you know I am or can be that person for them or for for anyone else, that you know, maybe 90% of the time and 90% of your life is focused on carrying everything yourself, burying everything deep down.
00:26:30.960 --> 00:26:46.240
And you know, sometimes we have to do that, and I do it all the time, but the idea of having that person or persons that maybe the 10% you can take the guard down.
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:50.000
I don't know.
00:26:50.400 --> 00:26:54.079
Let's uh let's reflect on all this just a little bit.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:27:00.720
So again, these things are very spontaneous.
00:27:01.599 --> 00:27:02.799
They don't have scripts.
00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:05.279
I literally press the record button.
00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:17.839
I have a couple notes that I take right before, but otherwise I try and be as kind of unscripted and vulnerable, maybe is the word.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:20.319
I don't know, that might not be the word, you know.
00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:54.640
But anyway, the the the whole thing about all this, you know, I I talked about some of my own personal stories and general anecdotes and things like that, but it is definitely something to be said about strength to a degree, but I I mentioned I mentioned uh that COVID kind of changed my mindset around some of these things, and and that's a valid statement that during COVID it was much more about taking things seriously.
00:27:54.720 --> 00:28:18.720
And when I worked in an office, it if I was contagious, I was not gonna be going into work and and everything, but I am still learning, and the reason why I'm recording this is um to try and just reiterate it to myself, and then like again, if anyone else can uh be impacted by it, that's great.
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:28.240
But you know, I don't have to prove how strong I am by how much pain I can tolerate.
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:44.880
And you know, we don't have to wait until we're we're falling apart, you know, mentally, emotionally, physically, you know, before we let someone know that we're struggling.
00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:55.279
You know, you've there's breaking points, you know, physical breaking points obviously are totally different, but there's you know mental and emotional breaking points too.
00:28:57.039 --> 00:29:13.519
The one that I struggle with probably the most constantly, and a lot of people I know are the same way, is not having to apologize for needing someone to be there, not needing to apologize for anything in those moments.
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:23.759
Anyone will tell you I'm the king of saying sorry 9,287 times a day, but I know it's not necessary, and I've been told that before.
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:33.039
And and people who I've tried to be there for, like they've been there for me, and they say sorry 2,000 times or however many, you don't have to do that.
00:29:33.279 --> 00:29:34.480
What do I say all the time?
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:37.279
And technically I believe it was my grandmother that said this.
00:29:37.519 --> 00:29:50.799
I don't have to do anything but die and pay taxes, you know, and and someone told me once before, you know, hey, when you've been there for me, you've said, you know, I don't have to do anything but die and pay taxes.
00:29:50.960 --> 00:29:55.839
But then when I try and be there for you, you try and push me away or tell me it's fine or whatever.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:59.279
Well, think about how good you feel being there for me.
00:30:00.400 --> 00:30:02.559
Let me be there for you.
00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:11.920
And because I mean the the people that the people that care about you, they don't want to just celebrate with you when everything is good.
00:30:12.079 --> 00:30:14.880
They want to stand there when they're not.
00:30:15.599 --> 00:30:28.160
And you know, as soon as we gotta tell ourselves that it's okay to say something hurts, you know, it's okay to be scared, you know, it's okay to not know what's gonna happen.
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:42.240
And you know, I I I need to do a better job of of knowing that it's okay um to let someone hold a little bit of the weight for me on occasion.
00:30:42.319 --> 00:30:43.440
And this isn't just about me.
00:30:43.519 --> 00:30:47.279
Again, it's it's the the whole purpose is maybe this resonates with someone too.
00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:51.440
You know, it's okay to let somebody else hold a little bit of the weight for you.
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:58.640
You know, think of a uh a cup uh getting full and you don't want it to spill over.
00:30:58.720 --> 00:31:06.000
So, you know, if someone's willing to let you pour some of that into theirs to lighten the load, you know, do it.
00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:16.400
Because strength, physical strength, mental strength, emotional strength isn't necessarily always about standing on your own.
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:24.160
You know, maybe maybe our strength comes from comes from the people around us.
00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:39.920
And maybe sometimes strength is you know, having the courage to reach out your hand and trust someone enough to take it, I guess.
00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:45.839
And look, you know.
00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:55.839
It's nice to have someone there to not go through something like that alone if you don't have to.
00:31:56.079 --> 00:32:09.119
You know, when I look back on my situations where I have kind of intentionally buried myself in work or whatever the case may be, no matter what was going on, we're talking physical or mental, emotional, whatever.
00:32:09.519 --> 00:32:24.640
Um those have been some pretty dark moments where when I let someone in um and and realize maybe I don't have to carry all of this myself, it does make it more bearable.
00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:27.279
There's some some some facts to that.
00:32:27.599 --> 00:32:36.160
But I I know I still personally will generally not want to inconvenience people, so then I it's a vicious cycle, basically.
00:32:36.240 --> 00:32:43.519
You you put yourself through the difficult thing to prove your strength, but then you end up reflecting on it later, and you know, I don't know.
00:32:44.640 --> 00:33:08.880
But again, you know, I know it was kind of spontaneous to kind of throw this out there, but it was something that came to mind, and I think the the the the whole thing is you know, this whole thing is is therapy for me, and but I've heard that others have listened to it and something resonates at some degree, and and I hope maybe that's what some of these do.
00:33:09.519 --> 00:33:18.640
You know, I need to take my own advice in a lot of regard, but you know I'm just gonna say I'm just gonna say it again.
00:33:18.720 --> 00:33:23.119
It's it's okay to say it hurts.
00:33:23.519 --> 00:33:25.279
It's okay to be scared.
00:33:26.480 --> 00:33:34.000
It's okay to not know what's gonna happen, but yeah.
00:33:34.720 --> 00:33:39.279
Well, I think uh in the respective time, I think we're gonna call it.
00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:43.519
So uh yeah.
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:45.519
I think that's gonna do it.
00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:57.039
And uh everybody just remember that though some memories and some thoughts, I guess, in this case may be worth you know lining up for.
00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:33.119
There are others that are much more about sitting down, and in this case, not alone, but with others and reflect on them, and I think.
00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:08.480
Welcome to the Midnight Release presents Midnight Reflections with Chase.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:14.640
Today's episode is called It's Okay to Say It Hurts.
00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:29.839
Welcome back as we get into what is now our fifth segment of Midnight Reflections.
00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:36.320
And you know, most of our episodes, you know, are an hour and a half or so.
00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:40.479
Two hours if we want to have a big one like we did a few weeks ago.
00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:54.159
But the Midnight Reflections episodes are spontaneous, not on a schedule, extremely introspective on a particular topic that literally just kind of jumps in my head.
00:00:54.479 --> 00:00:58.479
We have gone through several different things.
00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:08.959
Our most recent was about collecting memories and not things, uh, you know, physical media and things like that, uh, memory anchors, if you will.
00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:13.359
And actually, this might be the fourth.
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:16.079
This might be the fourth.
00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:18.239
I've lost track of how many of these we've done.
00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:30.239
But then we also had our Father's Day kind of episode around paternal passions, and then we also talked about 1998 and how significant that year was.
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:31.680
Oh, we did have another one.
00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:34.799
It was the the one about numbers in 724.
00:01:35.519 --> 00:01:41.040
But uh today's is also again spontaneous in nature.
00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:46.799
I woke up this morning, it popped in my head, and immediately decided to record.
00:01:47.040 --> 00:01:53.280
We also normally, when we do drop these, I'll do it like midweek, even if I do record it like instantly.
00:01:53.519 --> 00:01:55.040
But it might drop a little early.
00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:55.519
We'll see.
00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:57.439
It depends on when you're listening to this.
00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:15.280
But really, just to kind of lay the land of how we do these, it's kind of some general narrative and just discussion and uh on a you know on this topic, and then uh a little bit of reflection, and that's it.
00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:21.360
You know, pretty informal, pretty casual, uh, but could be heavy.
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:28.080
And I think today's is uh probably one of those.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:34.960
And the idea of it's okay to say it hurts can carry a lot of weight when you hear that topic.
00:02:35.039 --> 00:02:37.840
It's like, well, what in the world is he gonna talk about today?
00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:56.560
And really, I'm going to acknowledge a lot of the hypocrisy in what I'm going to say because of how I conduct myself and the things that I'm saying, I I don't necessarily listen to or follow, and probably need to.
00:02:57.439 --> 00:03:07.280
But basically, that's it's it's we're not just talking uh physical pain or or mental pain or emotional pain.
00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:25.599
It's it's it's really about how I am someone who takes a lot of pride in not having to bother people with whatever pain it is and running from being an inconvenience, basically.
00:03:25.840 --> 00:03:37.120
But you know, let's just go ahead and just jump right into kind of the narrative around today, and it's okay to say it hurts.
00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:49.360
So I'm not gonna get in the weeds as to uh what uh or why this episode has come to mind this morning.
00:03:49.599 --> 00:04:07.680
That's irrelevant, but you know some of us spend our entire lives believing that that pain is something that we're supposed to overcome quietly.
00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:14.159
You could argue there's gender uh things with that, but I I'm not getting into that aspect of it.
00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:24.399
You know, it's just the general concept around that pain, you know, pain is something we're supposed to just just work through and overcome quietly.
00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:36.480
We we work through it, we joke about it, we minimize it, you know, we say, oh, it's nothing, you know, or my favorite, you know, it's fine, it's all good.
00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:38.079
Oh fine.
00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:45.439
You know, uh comparison is the you know, you hear that phrase that uh what is it?
00:04:45.600 --> 00:05:16.879
Comparison is the theft of joy when thinking about like social media and like seeing people on vacations and all of that, but there's also you know, other people have it worse, which and again I already mentioned about the level of hypocrisy that I'm gonna feel as I talk through some of these things, and the idea of hey, you shouldn't you know worry about other people having it worse or going through a worse situation because that doesn't devalue what you're going through.
00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:51.680
And you know, kind of my my I don't want to say a favorite, that's the worst word to use in this connotation, but the the whole thing around not wanting to bother anyone or not wanting to inconvenience anyone or anything you know like that, you know, we become so good at dismissing ourselves that you know the people around us they may not even know what's going on.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:06:01.920
Again, whether we're talking physical or mental or emotional, and even for someone like me who's not overly emotional in general, you know, there might be something going on.
00:06:02.560 --> 00:06:15.680
Um, the the the reason behind this, you know, is like I am someone so each of these episodes, there's a narrative involved, very personal stories.
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:21.360
It's not just me speaking philosophically or or whatever I'm doing at this point in time.
00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:25.519
It's also like five in the morning for the record, so there is also that.
00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:53.439
I have had my coffee though, but I am someone who you ask anyone and they know it, like I am notoriously that person who you know, no matter what kind of physical thing is going on, I'm I'm never ever going to stop what I am doing on the day-to-day.
00:06:53.519 --> 00:07:08.319
And what I mean by that is so I have an insanely high pain tolerance, and that came from a leg injury when I was in like seventh grade.
00:07:08.399 --> 00:07:18.079
I broke my leg playing football and I broke it in two places, and I went from approximately 7:30 p.m.
00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:20.399
until about 1 a.m.
00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:25.279
without any kind of pain medicine, not even Tylenol.
00:07:25.920 --> 00:07:31.519
And when they did give me something at the hospital, it was morphine.
00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:41.759
That's when I discovered I'm allergic to morphine, and they had to flush it out of my system, and then literally they set my my leg, they set both bones with no pain medication.
00:07:41.839 --> 00:08:00.720
And I attribute my high pain tolerance to that moment because I will forever compare any kind of physical pain to that situation, you know, and I was in a cast for like six months or something like that, and but you know, outside of that, I think that's where my high pain tolerance came from.
00:08:00.959 --> 00:08:13.759
But there have been, and and frankly, some of these stories have come up on the pod, kind of organically, especially when talking about GameStop, and when I worked at GameStop.
00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:50.639
But I had several different kinds of instances where I at GameStop I had uh a couple pretty pretty weird episodes when I was there, and I say weird episodes because there was one time, and and I know there are some people that listen to this pod uh who are very directly involved in this story, so I'm I I'm not sure if they'll remember it, but it wound up being related to to stress and anxiety and a genetic disorder.
00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:58.799
But basically, I was I was working at GameStop and I had a moment where essentially I had like a mini stroke, basically.
00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:08.639
That's the only way to compare it visually with with uh drooping of the face and and and hands like you locking up, and it was a very strange and terrifying thing.
00:09:08.799 --> 00:09:10.559
Had to shut the store down.
00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:21.200
Luckily, the my manager at the time, uh my friend at the time, you know, shut the store down, called in the ambulance, and they came and ended up going to the hospital and and everything.
00:09:21.279 --> 00:09:22.799
And literally that happened at work.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:27.360
And I mean, I was back to work the next day, like it was kind of like okay, you know, it is what it is.
00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:36.399
And like I said, that wound up being you could argue that was mental health related, but nonetheless, went okay, whatever, back the next day.
00:09:36.639 --> 00:09:53.440
You know, I had another instance where I got in a car accident and uh had a concussion and you know, went to work basically like the next day, worked the whole day by myself, was really struggling to breathe, didn't know why.
00:09:54.240 --> 00:10:14.159
And after I I closed, it was the night of a midnight release for uh uh Left 4 Dead 2 and Assassin's Creed 2, and we closed early and we like I left, and I remember I called a girlfriend of mine at the time asking if she could add to pull off the side of the road because I was struggling to breathe.
00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:21.600
And I called an ex-girlfriend at the time and I asked because I was right by her neighborhood if she'd come pick me up, and it took me a lot to make that phone call.
00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:29.759
But I was literally sitting on the side of Outer Loop, struggling to breathe by her neighborhood, and and I called to see if she'd pick me up, take me to the ER.
00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:33.120
She hung up on me, which makes sense, and that's fair.
00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:41.120
And so then I called my mom and I asked her what the hospital with the least amount of waiting time was, or maybe I texted her, I can't really remember.
00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:44.159
And she told me, and then I drove myself to that that hospital.
00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:55.840
Well, I I passed out walking into that hospital, and I don't remember anything after that until I woke up uh in a hospital bed, and what had happened is I had passed out.
00:10:55.919 --> 00:11:03.519
Well, my left lung had been completely collapsed by uh basically that car accident from a couple days prior.
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:09.279
I had been taking shallow breaths all day because of the bruising on my ribs that resulted in my lung collapsing.
00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:14.000
So they had to do, they had to like flush me with adrenaline, do something to get it back lined out.
00:11:14.159 --> 00:11:19.440
Anyway, I was there basically all night, and then they prescribed me Vicodin to get me through the day.
00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:21.360
Well, I had to work the next day.
00:11:21.679 --> 00:11:24.720
So this was a midnight release game.
00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:28.159
So literally I get to the ER, we're talking like 1.15.
00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:32.159
By the time I leave, it's like five or six in the morning.
00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:35.600
And if you all know GameStop, GameStop's open at 10.
00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:37.679
You have to be at the store at 9 to open.
00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:42.639
So I literally just went to a pharmacy, got this Viking filled, and I worked it.
00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:43.759
I had another open to close.
00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:45.679
I worked two open to closes back to back.
00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:48.399
I worked the the day from 9 a.m.
00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:49.600
until 1 a.m.
00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:52.799
for the midnight release on Tuesday.
00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:55.600
And then on Wednesday, I was back at work at 9 a.m.
00:11:55.759 --> 00:11:57.039
and I worked till 9 p.m.
00:11:57.679 --> 00:12:09.679
And you know, that's obviously just one example, but you know, I I very obviously like that that that is the type of person, you know, I didn't want to have to miss work, I didn't want to have to bother anyone.
00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:12.000
You know, it took a lot for me to call that ex-girlfriend.
00:12:12.080 --> 00:12:15.840
Uh my mom obviously wasn't happy with me when I told her about it after the fact.
00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:17.679
And, you know, that's just retail.
00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:20.559
And I had a lot of retail examples kind of like that.
00:12:21.039 --> 00:12:31.120
But even in a professional environment, you know, my friends laugh and joke all the time that I'm the person that will not go to the doctor for anything, no matter what it is.
00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:35.360
And basically, when I do, it results in some kind of hospital admission.
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.679
You know, that example I just said is one.
00:12:37.919 --> 00:12:43.440
But when I was kind of in that professional world and not retail anymore, you know, same thing.
00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:49.919
I was I was feeling a kind of way, and you know, all day long kind of leaning and hunching over and all that.
00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:57.919
And I remember getting home and I I was living with my roommate at the time, my buddy Quentin, and I came downstairs and he said, Man, you doing okay?
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:00.639
I said, No, I'm gonna go to the emergency room, like real cavalier.
00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:01.600
And he was like, Why?
00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:07.519
I said, Well, because I have a have really high pain tolerance, and considering I'm at like an eight or nine right now, that's a problem.
00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:16.799
And so I go to the hospital, and uh lo and behold, I had a gangrenous appendix, and they said that they were gonna have to take my appendix out.
00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:24.480
My first immediate thought, by the way, was you know, okay, well, I'll just like give me some medicine, I'll go home and then I'll schedule this.
00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:30.399
Because at the time, I wasn't even working full-time um in the professional environment.
00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:42.639
I had taken on an internship, and they they were paying me enough where I could leave my my full-time retail job, but you know, obviously I wanted to get hired full-time, so my focus was on working.
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:50.399
And they were like, uh, no, we're gonna admit you tonight, and you know, we're gonna we're gonna do the surgery in the morning.
00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:52.080
I was flabbergasted.
00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:55.360
Of course, I started asking about recovery time and everything else.
00:13:55.679 --> 00:14:06.159
And now I did just get kind of an update on this story last night, but basically I text my mom, like, I'm all, you know, I got some kind of drip for the pain or whatever.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:11.440
I text my mom, let her know that hey, I'm having my appendix taken out in the morning.
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:18.159
And I don't even think I told her which hospital, but I passed out from from just being tired from the pain medicine or whatever.
00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:22.639
And you know, she was there whenever I woke up the next morning.
00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:42.559
Now I since learned that you know, she of course came to the hospital, and there was a big, long, drawn-out kind of issue where uh they didn't know where I was, and uh they did this completely unnecessary, dramatic situation where like she she didn't know if I was dead or not.
00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:43.440
Like it was awful.
00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:46.960
Like that the hospital did not handle that situation very well.
00:14:47.600 --> 00:14:53.919
But you know, the next time I went to a doctor's office or a hospital was same thing.
00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:58.320
It was a couple years later, and it resulted in me having my gallbladder out, you know.
00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:01.360
In each of those situations, I was back working the next day.
00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:04.960
Like I just was very just boom, boom, boom, okay, let's keep trucking.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:07.600
You know, boom, boom, boom, okay, let's keep trucking.
00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:16.799
And, you know, the same thing kind of goes with like ailments, like when you think of the flu and pneumonia and and things like that.
00:15:16.879 --> 00:15:22.559
And I I do want to say I'm not this whole concept of you know, it's okay to say it hurts.
00:15:22.639 --> 00:15:27.279
You know, I know right now I'm talking about everything physical and and personal anecdotes and stories.
00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:29.919
I will say I'm not gonna touch on COVID at all.
00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:34.799
I think all of us know and remember everything that has to do with COVID.
00:15:35.039 --> 00:15:41.679
The only way I'm gonna touch on that is the way that my it did pivot my mindset a little bit because it kind of had to.
00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:57.279
But, you know, when it comes to non-surgical related things, you know, I'm someone I've taken a lot of, I've always taken a lot of pride in that nothing ever takes me down, you know, when it comes to any kind of ailment.
00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:01.120
Like you people have heard me say that phrase, like, yeah, nothing takes me down.
00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:02.399
Nothing takes me down, you know.
00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:06.240
I just had a root canal last week and I literally worked the same day.
00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:12.159
That's again the hypocrisy around what I'm talking about right now, is obviously as recently as last week.
00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:15.519
You know, most people were like, How are you not taking off the rest of it for a root canal?
00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:18.480
I was like, I mean, my face will be numb, it'll be fine.
00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:21.120
See, there you go, me saying it'll be fine.
00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:22.879
Again, hypocrisy, right?
00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:30.159
But you know, I I before COVID, I was that person blue.
00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:33.360
I didn't care if I was contagious, I didn't care, like I still went to work.
00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:38.000
Now, I acknowledge the recklessness of that now, but at the time I didn't.
00:16:38.240 --> 00:16:47.919
And I quite literally traveled, I went to a job fair, I went out of town for training, did all kinds of things while I felt like crap.
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:55.039
And eventually I had to uh I didn't have a choice.
00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:58.000
Kind of the same thing that happened with the first story.
00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:03.600
I woke up in the middle of the night, was really struggling to breathe, and I was able to get my breath.
00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:09.839
But when I woke up that next morning, it was definitely a decision that I needed to go to the doctor to figure out what was going on.
00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:14.480
And I found out that I had two different flu strains.
00:17:14.640 --> 00:17:24.720
Uh, I also had pneumonia in both lungs, and one lung was like almost full, and my my oxygen was at like 88 or something like that.
00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:29.359
Now, you may be hearing this and being like, Well, that sounded like peak COVID.
00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:34.640
Well, no, this was at the end of 2019, so don't start making patient zero jokes or anything.
00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:36.319
It it wasn't that.
00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:40.640
But I was forced to by the doctor.
00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:42.960
Like I said, hey, I have to, this was on a Thursday.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:46.960
I said, Well, I have to leave for New Orleans on Sunday.
00:17:47.119 --> 00:17:53.039
And they're like, Yeah, that's unless you take a couple of days to to chill out, you're not gonna be going to New Orleans.
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:56.000
And they literally they said you need to take off Thursday and Friday.
00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:02.319
If you take off Thursday and Friday with this medicine, you'll probably feel okay to travel on on Sunday.
00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:06.160
And I wasn't happy about it, of course, but I did take off.
00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:09.200
And it's because I was forced to, you know, basically.
00:18:09.359 --> 00:18:11.680
Uh, but I did go to New Orleans on Sunday.
00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:21.920
But I'm gonna tell you right now, the medicine that I was on, one was this syrup called finegrin, and uh I taught a class, but I couldn't tell you what I taught that day.
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:26.799
I remember waking up, I remember waking up the next day.
00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:27.359
That's it.
00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:29.200
I don't remember anything else in between.
00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:31.200
And yeah, it was a little rough.
00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:38.480
It was a little rough, but um I mean it's just that again, notoriously, I I that's what I've done.
00:18:38.559 --> 00:18:40.880
I've just pushed through these things, not worried about anything.
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:44.799
And and I acknowledge everything I'm talking about right now is is physical, you know.
00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:52.000
Um, with the exception of the GameStop stuff, because that wound up being kind of like I said, is more stress and anxiety related.
00:18:53.359 --> 00:19:23.279
But I've done all these things, and and you know, outside of the things I mentioned specifically, you know, I've had like I don't know, 10 or 12 concussions in my life between football injuries, between car accidents, uh, I've been jumped a few times, and you know, you guys you could argue maybe that's uh not very good, but but anyway, I I I have always just taken so much pride in that, like to this day, like nothing takes me out.
00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:31.200
You know, I'm gonna push through, I'm not gonna bother anybody, you know, focusing on this thing for myself.
00:19:31.359 --> 00:19:39.759
And we're not talking about personal things selfishly, we're talking about these these these health things, these whether it's mental health, physical health, whatever it is.
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:43.839
You know, I've just dismissed that.
00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:46.720
You know, there's no reason to bog others down with it.
00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:49.359
Oh, it's you know, no big deal.
00:19:49.680 --> 00:20:06.559
And you know, we essentially people aren't like this, which I am, and and you know, we get so good at just kind of dismissing all of these things that you know, and I think I mentioned this at the starter that people don't really realize what's going on inside.
00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:20.799
Because I will say, all those things that I just talked about and how eager I am to get back to work and not bother people and and just keep on trucking, I reflect back and I definitely feel a kind of way internally.
00:20:21.119 --> 00:20:26.000
Like when I tough out working feeling like trash, I hate it.
00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:29.759
And think to myself, like, man, why don't I take off?
00:20:29.920 --> 00:21:06.079
Like, what is going on, you know, or or you know, if it's something like when I had my appendectomy and my gallbladder, I mean any kind of surgery, you don't know what's gonna happen, you know, but I and I do worry about it, but I never have to I I never show that, you know, and you know, the thing that we we have to think about and and what I tell myself all the time, and that's why this is a reflection, you know, is just because we we need someone in those moments, you know, it doesn't make us weak.
00:21:10.720 --> 00:21:40.000
And I mean even just saying that, like I I know I know I don't I don't think that way I know I need to you know, but needing or wanting someone in physical, mental, or emotional tumultuous times doesn't it doesn't make you weak.
00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:50.880
You know, letting someone be there or sit beside you doesn't make you weak.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:22:01.680
You know, my story about my my surgery, I didn't want to inconvenience my my mom or anyone, so I just kinda sent a text and went about my business, but you know, it'd be Nice to have somebody there.
00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:04.720
But I didn't want to bother anybody.
00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:24.559
You know that situation that happened at GameStop, the anxiety-induced stroke-like symptoms situation, that was that was a really terrifying moment for me.
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:39.920
And I remember feeling so bad that we had to close the store and everything that happened through that.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:23:05.759
And the thing is, I I know I feel a kind of way about that situation, but I know the person that was there who would listen to this pod would tell me like there was no reason for me to feel bad, that they wanted to be there for me, and they wanted to get that situation, but the level of inconvenience that I felt that I caused them was insane.
00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:30.400
You know, and I mean I don't know.
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:51.359
I tell myself all the time that myself personally and maybe others in this situation, you know, we don't have to earn the right, essentially, to be be cared for by first providing how much pain we can tolerate.
00:23:51.759 --> 00:23:58.720
And I mean, again, I'm not fully convinced of it myself, but I'm I'm working toward it.
00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:03.039
And frankly, recording this is one of those things to maybe help me get there.
00:24:03.759 --> 00:24:15.440
And trying to know that I I don't have to necessarily carry everything by myself just because I've always been good at it.
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:28.000
And you know, it's not just this isn't just talking to me, you know, it's anyone the whole purpose of these episodes is that maybe it uh hits close to home and resonates with somebody.
00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:36.640
But you know, it's it's it is okay to say it hurts.
00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:39.440
I may not always believe it.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:48.720
And I may not always be okay with saying it hurts, but I'm trying to get better about it.
00:24:49.279 --> 00:25:01.359
And no matter if it's a a physical thing going on, a mental thing going on, an emotional thing going on, you know, it's it's it's it's okay.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:38.240
And look, most recently, and I'm not getting into the weeds on this, but you know, most recently I I've been fortunate enough to have some friends in my life and family, but I've been fortunate enough to have some friends in my life that everything that I have talked about during this reflection thus far, and the hypocrisy that I know I display in not listening to these kinds of things about you know, just working through things and joking about it, minimizing it.
00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:39.759
Oh, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine.
00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:52.880
I am fortunate enough to have some friends and and family that I don't feel these issues with, that I truly can kind of show that vulnerability.
00:25:53.920 --> 00:26:08.559
And I haven't really thought about it until right now, but it it it really means a lot for those those individuals to to to be there.
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:30.400
I I hope that you know I am or can be that person for them or for for anyone else, that you know, maybe 90% of the time and 90% of your life is focused on carrying everything yourself, burying everything deep down.
00:26:30.960 --> 00:26:46.240
And you know, sometimes we have to do that, and I do it all the time, but the idea of having that person or persons that maybe the 10% you can take the guard down.
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:50.000
I don't know.
00:26:50.400 --> 00:26:54.079
Let's uh let's reflect on all this just a little bit.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:27:00.720
So again, these things are very spontaneous.
00:27:01.599 --> 00:27:02.799
They don't have scripts.
00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:05.279
I literally press the record button.
00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:17.839
I have a couple notes that I take right before, but otherwise I try and be as kind of unscripted and vulnerable, maybe is the word.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:20.319
I don't know, that might not be the word, you know.
00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:54.640
But anyway, the the the whole thing about all this, you know, I I talked about some of my own personal stories and general anecdotes and things like that, but it is definitely something to be said about strength to a degree, but I I mentioned I mentioned uh that COVID kind of changed my mindset around some of these things, and and that's a valid statement that during COVID it was much more about taking things seriously.
00:27:54.720 --> 00:28:18.720
And when I worked in an office, it if I was contagious, I was not gonna be going into work and and everything, but I am still learning, and the reason why I'm recording this is um to try and just reiterate it to myself, and then like again, if anyone else can uh be impacted by it, that's great.
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:28.240
But you know, I don't have to prove how strong I am by how much pain I can tolerate.
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:44.880
And you know, we don't have to wait until we're we're falling apart, you know, mentally, emotionally, physically, you know, before we let someone know that we're struggling.
00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:55.279
You know, you've there's breaking points, you know, physical breaking points obviously are totally different, but there's you know mental and emotional breaking points too.
00:28:57.039 --> 00:29:13.519
The one that I struggle with probably the most constantly, and a lot of people I know are the same way, is not having to apologize for needing someone to be there, not needing to apologize for anything in those moments.
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:23.759
Anyone will tell you I'm the king of saying sorry 9,287 times a day, but I know it's not necessary, and I've been told that before.
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:33.039
And and people who I've tried to be there for, like they've been there for me, and they say sorry 2,000 times or however many, you don't have to do that.
00:29:33.279 --> 00:29:34.480
What do I say all the time?
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:37.279
And technically I believe it was my grandmother that said this.
00:29:37.519 --> 00:29:50.799
I don't have to do anything but die and pay taxes, you know, and and someone told me once before, you know, hey, when you've been there for me, you've said, you know, I don't have to do anything but die and pay taxes.
00:29:50.960 --> 00:29:55.839
But then when I try and be there for you, you try and push me away or tell me it's fine or whatever.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:59.279
Well, think about how good you feel being there for me.
00:30:00.400 --> 00:30:02.559
Let me be there for you.
00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:11.920
And because I mean the the people that the people that care about you, they don't want to just celebrate with you when everything is good.
00:30:12.079 --> 00:30:14.880
They want to stand there when they're not.
00:30:15.599 --> 00:30:28.160
And you know, as soon as we gotta tell ourselves that it's okay to say something hurts, you know, it's okay to be scared, you know, it's okay to not know what's gonna happen.
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:42.240
And you know, I I I need to do a better job of of knowing that it's okay um to let someone hold a little bit of the weight for me on occasion.
00:30:42.319 --> 00:30:43.440
And this isn't just about me.
00:30:43.519 --> 00:30:47.279
Again, it's it's the the whole purpose is maybe this resonates with someone too.
00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:51.440
You know, it's okay to let somebody else hold a little bit of the weight for you.
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:58.640
You know, think of a uh a cup uh getting full and you don't want it to spill over.
00:30:58.720 --> 00:31:06.000
So, you know, if someone's willing to let you pour some of that into theirs to lighten the load, you know, do it.
00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:16.400
Because strength, physical strength, mental strength, emotional strength isn't necessarily always about standing on your own.
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:24.160
You know, maybe maybe our strength comes from comes from the people around us.
00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:39.920
And maybe sometimes strength is you know, having the courage to reach out your hand and trust someone enough to take it, I guess.
00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:45.839
And look, you know.
00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:55.839
It's nice to have someone there to not go through something like that alone if you don't have to.
00:31:56.079 --> 00:32:09.119
You know, when I look back on my situations where I have kind of intentionally buried myself in work or whatever the case may be, no matter what was going on, we're talking physical or mental, emotional, whatever.
00:32:09.519 --> 00:32:24.640
Um those have been some pretty dark moments where when I let someone in um and and realize maybe I don't have to carry all of this myself, it does make it more bearable.
00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:27.279
There's some some some facts to that.
00:32:27.599 --> 00:32:36.160
But I I know I still personally will generally not want to inconvenience people, so then I it's a vicious cycle, basically.
00:32:36.240 --> 00:32:43.519
You you put yourself through the difficult thing to prove your strength, but then you end up reflecting on it later, and you know, I don't know.
00:32:44.640 --> 00:33:08.880
But again, you know, I know it was kind of spontaneous to kind of throw this out there, but it was something that came to mind, and I think the the the the whole thing is you know, this whole thing is is therapy for me, and but I've heard that others have listened to it and something resonates at some degree, and and I hope maybe that's what some of these do.
00:33:09.519 --> 00:33:18.640
You know, I need to take my own advice in a lot of regard, but you know I'm just gonna say I'm just gonna say it again.
00:33:18.720 --> 00:33:23.119
It's it's okay to say it hurts.
00:33:23.519 --> 00:33:25.279
It's okay to be scared.
00:33:26.480 --> 00:33:34.000
It's okay to not know what's gonna happen, but yeah.
00:33:34.720 --> 00:33:39.279
Well, I think uh in the respective time, I think we're gonna call it.
00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:43.519
So uh yeah.
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:45.519
I think that's gonna do it.
00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:57.039
And uh everybody just remember that though some memories and some thoughts, I guess, in this case may be worth you know lining up for.
00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:33.119
There are others that are much more about sitting down, and in this case, not alone, but with others and reflect on them, and I think.
