WEBVTT
00:00:01.199 --> 00:00:02.959
Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:06.559
I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation.
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:16.320
This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:21.679
If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:23.039
Let's begin.
00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:30.000
Hello and welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:32.880
Today I have a story for you.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:41.679
And if you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know I don't tell stories nearly as often as I probably should or actually would like to.
00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:44.159
So maybe this is the beginning.
00:00:45.280 --> 00:01:04.640
But this week, oh my gosh, life handed me a story, and apparently life decided that subtly wasn't necessary because the lesson, it arrived in the form of three enormous jet-black German shepherds.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:07.439
And I'm so excited to tell you this story.
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:08.319
Here we go.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:10.640
So anyway, I'm currently pet sitting.
00:01:10.879 --> 00:01:26.640
I'm I use trusted house sitters to pet sit, and um so I took on this pet sitting opportunity because I actually needed a place to stay because I had to vacate my house for a couple of weeks.
00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:40.560
And this pet sitting gig on pet sitters lined up just perfectly from where it's in the town I live in, it was the exact dates I needed, and so I was super excited about it.
00:01:41.040 --> 00:01:48.879
The gentleman that I'm pet sitting for, he is traveling internationally for 18 days, and he has three dogs.
00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:52.239
Three large black German shepherds.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:56.239
Only 6% of German shepherds are all black.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:01:57.920
So he's got three of them.
00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:00.719
The oldest is Sahara, and she's nine.
00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:05.599
And honestly, Sahara could not be less interested in creating drama.
00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:06.799
She's just chill.
00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:09.599
She doesn't need to be crated when I leave.
00:02:09.840 --> 00:02:21.039
She hangs out by the front door and she's basically just watching what's happening, and generally she seems to have decided that after nine years on this planet, very little Laurence getting worked up about.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:21.840
So she doesn't.
00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:24.080
She likes to eat and she likes pets.
00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:26.400
She likes lots of petting.
00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:28.240
And then there's Ozzie.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:34.000
Ozzie is only about 18 months old, but he's already a massive German shepherd.
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:40.800
Except Ozzie apparently hasn't received the memo that he's massive because he's a puppy.
00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:45.199
He's giant, goofy, affectionate.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:46.400
He wants love.
00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:48.800
He jumps up on my shoulders.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:53.360
And then yeah, but he's he's good.
00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:54.960
He's funny.
00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:58.719
Then there's Jaina, and that's what this story is about.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:02:59.520
Jaina.
00:03:00.159 --> 00:03:01.759
Jaina's five.
00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:06.240
And from the very first night, I knew Jaina was going to be different.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:12.960
In fact, I did go over to the house before I pet sat to visit the house and visit the dogs and the owner.
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:17.280
And I got a little bit of history about them, but not very much.
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:21.520
And the owner, he said he's never put this up on house sitters before.
00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:27.840
So I'm the very first person to ever do this for him, stay in his house and take care of his three dogs.
00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:31.680
So he wasn't sure, you know, exactly what to tell and what not to tell.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:36.719
And I didn't necessarily know all the questions to ask either.
00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:40.960
But when I did meet them, they were all pretty good.
00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:42.719
We were kind of outside on a patio.
00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:51.039
But Jaina, he mentioned that Jaina uh needed to get to know people, like she was harder to get to know.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:56.879
And she kind of rubbed up against me, and he's like, Wow, it, but it seems like she's already starting to like you.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:03:59.120
She usually doesn't warm up to people that quickly.
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:00.719
And he's like, That's a great sign.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:03.919
And that's pretty much all he told me about Jaina.
00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:07.039
Jana's five.
00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:12.159
And from the very first night, I just I knew it was gonna be different.
00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:21.360
When I arrived at the house, they were crated, Jaina and Ozzie, they're in separate crates in the dining room.
00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:27.920
And Sahara, she's allowed to not be in a crate, and she was just sleeping by the front door when I walked in.
00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:34.000
And when I walked in, Jaina was simply barking at me.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:41.759
But I need you to actually picture this because it matters to what happened later.
00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:59.360
Here's this large jet black German Shepherd inside her crate, barking, and not just regular barking, like ferociously growling, showing those very large white German shepherd teeth that she has against the black fur.
00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:03.120
And I have to open the crate.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:05.199
I have to go over and open the crate.
00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:07.360
And I don't know her that well.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:10.160
I don't know what her growl really means.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:15.040
I don't know her history, and I don't know what she's gonna do when the door opens.
00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:18.879
So I'm opening it with a lot of just faith and trust.
00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:24.879
I don't know if she's warning me, I don't know if she's scared or territorial.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.680
I'm assuming she's not gonna bite my hand off, but I'm not positive.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:35.839
All I know is that I have to put my hands right next to this dog's face and unlock the crate.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:45.600
And because apparently I needed one more ingredient for this delightful nervous system experiment that I was having.
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:48.240
I was using the wrong door on the crate.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:55.680
The crate has two sides, and I was opening the same side of Jaina's crate that I was opening of Ozzie's crate.
00:05:55.839 --> 00:06:00.560
And I'm including pictures here for the YouTube version of this podcast.
00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:08.160
So if you'd like to see the pictures, you can pop on over to YouTube, and it will make the story a little bit more interesting, I guess.
00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:10.959
So I was using the wrong side of the door.
00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:14.959
The latch on the side that I was trying to open, it just kept getting stuck.
00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:37.120
So I'm crouched down, I'm trying to push this stupid latch, and I had already let Ozzy out of his cage, and Ozzy's this m, he's the biggest of the three of them, the youngest and the biggest, and he's jumping on me, licking me, just wanting to play, and I'm getting really frustrated, and Jaina is barking like ferociously.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:39.199
She's getting more activated.
00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:40.720
She starts growling.
00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:45.759
So I like I pull my hands away now because I'm afraid and I don't want her to bite me.
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:47.360
And so I walk away.
00:06:47.519 --> 00:06:52.800
I let Ozzie and Sahara outside, and I go into the kitchen, and I'm like, I'm just gonna let her calm down.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:56.639
Then I'll try to go back over and I wait and I try again.
00:06:56.879 --> 00:06:59.759
More barking, more teeth, more growling.
00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:03.279
I'm getting activated just telling this story.
00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:10.399
Because what happened really was traumatic for me, and I'm getting to that part.
00:07:11.120 --> 00:07:17.199
So honestly, it was just a scene of terror every time I had to open that damn crate.
00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:25.199
And then once she was out, she was mostly fine, which made the whole thing even more confusing because now I'm thinking, okay, who are you?
00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:28.639
And which version of you am I getting next time?
00:07:29.600 --> 00:07:37.279
And I'd also been told that Jaina could become reactive when people come down the stairs, that she would bark.
00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:46.639
In a text somebody had mentioned that sometimes when Samia, the girlfriend, comes down the stairs, and Jaina's not in her crate, she'll really bark at her on the stairs.
00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:52.079
And the owner said sometimes uh Samia gives her treats to help calm her down.
00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:57.920
And I'm thinking, well, I'm not gonna give her a treat in her crate to calm her down.
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:02.160
I don't want her to think that it's okay to bark at me like this.
00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:04.879
She needs to calm down before I'm gonna open the crate.
00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:10.959
So I always waited till she just stopped growling and I let her bark, but I would open the crate.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:14.399
Anyway, the stairs, it's it's it's important.
00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:19.120
So I knew the stairs were a thing.
00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:23.680
What I didn't know was how much of a thing.
00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:27.519
So a couple of nights go by into the pet sit.
00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:30.959
It's probably like seven or eight o'clock at night.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.120
I have the back door open.
00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:38.000
This house is a townhouse, it's a two-story townhouse, it's not super big.
00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:48.159
Living room, dining room, combination sort of kitchen on the main floor, and then a back patio off of the dining room that they close to the crates, they can run in and out.
00:08:48.559 --> 00:08:50.559
So the back door is open to the patio.
00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:52.799
I've I'm working from home.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:09:00.080
All three dogs are just kind of running in and out into the patio, roaming around, going in and out and playing, and everything's fine.
00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:06.000
And at some point, I went upstairs to my bedroom to get something, and the dogs were kind of running around.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:16.879
And then at some point, Ozzie and Jane were kind of like running halfway up the stairs and sort of playing with each other, and they're running back and forth on the stairs, and then I decide I'm gonna go downstairs now.
00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:26.960
So I start to walk down the stairs, and the stairs are the kind that like a split level where they go down, drop to a landing, turn, and go down the other way.
00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:36.879
So I started walking down the stairs, and as I reach the landing, it turn it turns, right?
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:39.679
And then it continues to the main floor.
00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:45.919
But as I'm coming down that first section towards the landing, Ozzie and Jaina were there.
00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.080
They were like, they had been running back and forth.
00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:49.279
So they were there, they weren't there.
00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:52.159
They were there, you know, and they were barking and playing and whatever.
00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:56.960
But when I get to the landing, halfway down the stairs, they're both there.
00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:08.399
And Jaina sees me, and something changes in her, and she starts barking and growling.
00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:14.159
And this wasn't like just a little bit, like, hey, I don't like that.
00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:15.759
This was ferocious.
00:10:16.080 --> 00:10:26.399
I was terrified, and suddenly, I mean, it just hit me like I don't know this dog, I don't know how serious this bark is.
00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:29.759
If I keep walking down the stairs, is she gonna bite me?
00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:40.639
Like, after seeing her behavior in the crate and how ferocious that bark is and how big those teeth are, like, I was genuinely terrified.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:43.840
It's coming back for me now.
00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:52.320
You know, I had already spent two days putting my hands near this dog's crate while she was showing her teeth and growling at me.
00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:57.919
So I don't know her well enough to know whether this is noise or whether she's gonna bite me.
00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:06.559
So I do what many of us do when we're terrified and trying desperately not to look terrified, because that's the worst thing you can do around an animal.
00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:08.480
So I just start pretending everything's fine.
00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:10.960
Everything's totally fine.
00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:14.399
I'm talking to her, trying to sound relaxed, trying to keep my body calm.
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:19.120
Meanwhile, my nervous system is basically screaming, we have a situation here.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:23.360
So I decided I wasn't gonna continue down the stairs with her there.
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:30.960
So I turn around and I thought, I'll just go back upstairs and I'll just wait until she moves or runs outside, and then I'll come down later.
00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:32.879
Except she followed me.
00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:40.879
She followed me barking and growling, like pushing me up the stairs.
00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:55.360
And so I'm like backing up now towards my bedroom door, and she's just coming at me, and I back up into my door and I slam the door like in her face and I lock it.
00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:01.120
And I'm thinking, oh my god, what the fuck just happened?
00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:05.519
And how am I gonna get out of this room?
00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:07.120
I was safe.
00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:10.879
There was a door between us, and nothing physically happened to me.
00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:15.360
She didn't bite me, but my body, it didn't care about any of that.
00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:19.200
My nervous system was completely shot.
00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:28.080
The story became much bigger for me than what happened with this dog because I recognized that feeling.
00:12:28.639 --> 00:12:39.840
I haven't felt that frightened, that cornered, that bullied, that uncertain about my physical safety in a very long time.
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:43.120
2014 to be exact.
00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:52.639
And it brought up a body sensation that I recognized from an earlier chapter in my life.
00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.879
And I I wasn't sitting there consciously thinking about the past.
00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:00.240
I just mean that my body knew this feeling.
00:13:00.879 --> 00:13:11.360
And that's important because our nervous systems can recognize something long before our conscious mind can make sense of it.
00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:23.600
A tone, a look, a sound, someone approaching us aggressively, feeling trapped, feeling like we don't know what another person, or in this case, an animal, is gonna do next.
00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:26.159
And suddenly the body's like, oh, I know this.
00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:29.759
And that's what a trigger, you know, actually is it's information.
00:13:29.919 --> 00:13:39.039
Something in the present has activated an association response or protective pattern that our nervous system already knows.
00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:51.600
And sometimes the present situation really does require us to protect ourselves, and that's important because nervous system regulation isn't about convincing ourselves that everything is safe.
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:53.440
Sometimes everything isn't safe.
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:58.159
Sometimes we don't have enough information to know whether we're safe.
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:08.639
Regulation is about becoming grounded enough to accurately assess what is safe, what isn't, and what don't I know yet.
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:12.080
And what do I need to do to take care of myself?
00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:17.679
And that night, what I needed was a closed bedroom door.
00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:23.279
So that's what I gave myself, at least for a few minutes.
00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:30.320
I had to come out of that bedroom though, and that took a lot of courage.
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:50.799
And I just peeked over the side of the wall, like in between the two stairs, and watched for her to go out onto the patio and get far enough from away from the patio door that I had time to get down to the bottom of the stairs into the kitchen before she saw me on the stairs.
00:14:51.039 --> 00:14:55.200
Because I did understand the stairs were the trigger.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:15:01.279
I did have enough information from Samia to know that I think it's the stairs that are triggering her.
00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:03.360
So I just have to get down them.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:05.440
And that's what I was able to do.
00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:11.120
And when I did get down to the bottom of the stairs without her seeing me, and she came running in, everything was fine.
00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:14.000
She just did not growl or bark at me again.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:20.720
So that was very a good end to a night, but it wasn't the end of it for my nervous system.
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:25.440
I was physically safe.
00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.720
Jaina was downstairs, I was downstairs.
00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:30.799
The immediate threat was gone.
00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.480
But again, my nervous system didn't get the memo.
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:40.159
And over the next day or two, I noticed something happening to me.
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:42.799
My thoughts started getting dark.
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:46.320
And strangely, they weren't really about Jaina.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:50.399
Suddenly I was thinking about my business.
00:15:51.039 --> 00:15:53.279
And there was a connection to that.
00:15:53.519 --> 00:16:05.360
Like, I shouldn't have to be house sitting, I should be in an Airbnb with no dogs and not having to trade, watching dogs and pet sitting and saving money.
00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:08.639
And that just spiraled into me thinking about my business.
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:10.159
I should be making more money.
00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:14.000
Why don't I have my shit together more the last 10 years?
00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:24.879
What I've been doing with my life from Mexico to divorce to marriage to literally everything was popping into my head.
00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:26.480
Life is exhausting.
00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:28.000
Everything feels difficult.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:30.320
Why am I still dealing with this?
00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:35.519
And eventually I came to the conclusion that everything just sucks and I suck at life.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:42.879
Which is fascinating when you think about it, because 24 hours earlier, my business was not a disaster.
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:53.440
My finances, you know, they hadn't dramatically changed, life hadn't fundamentally changed, and my goals hadn't changed, my relationship hadn't changed.
00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:56.159
A dog scared the living shit out of me.
00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:59.519
That is really the only thing that changed.
00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:02.720
But my body was still broadcasting.
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:04.960
Something is wrong.
00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:09.920
And my mind started searching for evidence.
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:16.319
This is something I think we dramatically underestimate about nervous system dysregulation.
00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:31.519
And it's something I've been paying close attention to with myself when I find my thoughts start catastrophizing and I can't regulate myself.
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:40.559
I've realized that it was a trigger of something else that then caused me to not be able to hold on to regulated thoughts.
00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:47.440
Because when the body is overwhelmed, our perception can change with it.
00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:51.839
The nervous system is basically saying, you know, something's wrong.
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:54.640
And the brain says, Don't worry, I'll figure out what it is.
00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:57.599
And the brain is very good at finding evidence.
00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:07.039
Suddenly every unfinished goal matters, every uncertainty feels bigger, every disappointment seems to join in on the conversation.
00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:21.119
And apparently, when my nervous system calls an emergency staff meeting, everyone gets invited, including my neighbor Karen, who hasn't had anything useful to say since 2007.
00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:26.240
And you know Karen, she's not staying in her lane.
00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:36.000
Because when you're dysregulated, your inner Karen starts filing complaints about departments that weren't even involved in the original incident.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:50.880
Something happens in one area of your life, and suddenly your brain is reviewing your finances, your relationship, your career, your body, that decision you made six years ago, and whether you've accomplished enough with your life.
00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:59.279
And this week I was able to recognize something that I didn't think I would have recognized nearly as quickly years ago.
00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:03.039
None of those things necessarily changed.
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.880
Only my nervous system did.
00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:10.480
And once I could see that, I didn't have to believe every thought.
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:15.599
My thoughts were giving me information, but they weren't necessarily giving me instructions.
00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:24.240
I didn't need to solve my business problems or make any major life changes or decisions.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:34.160
I didn't need to figure out the last 10 years or determine really what I've been doing or where I went wrong.
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:36.400
None of that was needed.
00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:39.920
I needed to help my body feel safe again.
00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:45.440
And this is the line I want you to remember from this podcast episode.
00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:52.400
When everything suddenly feels wrong, check your nervous system before you check your life.
00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:57.039
Because your life, it might need some changes.
00:19:57.759 --> 00:20:00.720
I mean, all of ours certainly do, right?
00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:02.079
A little bit here and there.
00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:10.079
But evaluate those things when you're regulated, not when your nervous system is standing in the middle of a room pulling the fire alarm.
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:14.720
And definitely not while Karen is running the meeting.
00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:23.119
Now, this is where the story starts to change because I contacted the owner and I told him what happened.
00:20:24.400 --> 00:20:32.400
And his girlfriend, Samiya, she came over, and one of the first things she did when she got there was hug me.
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:35.920
Just such a simple thing.
00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:42.079
But I could feel what it did to my body, and I'm gonna cry now thinking about it.
00:20:44.400 --> 00:20:47.119
I had picked up the phone and called my kids.
00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:49.279
I had called my husband.
00:20:49.599 --> 00:21:04.799
I was talking to people, but human connection, someone validating you is priceless, honestly.
00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:07.200
And she understood me.
00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:15.920
She said that Jane has made her cry too, and that she's barked and growled at her like that on the stairs, and that it is really, really scary.
00:21:16.880 --> 00:21:20.319
And so I felt seen and I felt heard.
00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:29.519
And that hug did more for me than any of the other regulation techniques that I had worked on.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:34.240
I felt really grateful.
00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:37.759
And nobody told me that I was overreacting.
00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:44.319
The owner was deeply apologetic and grateful that I didn't abandon the job.
00:21:44.799 --> 00:21:52.720
Nobody told me that Jaina was harmless, that I was being ridiculous.
00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:58.480
Nobody asked me to override what my body had experienced.
00:21:58.640 --> 00:21:59.519
They understood.
00:22:01.119 --> 00:22:04.400
And that alone helped so much.
00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:11.759
And then Samiya started telling me more about the dogs, things that I hadn't known before.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:19.519
She told me that Sahara came first, and then Jaina, and more recently, they got Ozzie.
00:22:19.839 --> 00:22:24.480
And apparently Jaina had changed somewhat after Ozzie came into the family.
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:28.799
And now suddenly I had context.
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:36.240
Here's this five-year-old dog whose environment changed when this enormous energetic puppy arrived.
00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:40.480
His crate got positioned directly in front of hers.
00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:51.759
And I also learned more about Jaina's sensitivity around the stairs and that there had been interactions there in the past that may have contributed to that area becoming activated for her.
00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:55.039
A child was doing something annoying to her there.
00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:59.839
And so clearly it was a trigger.
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:04.079
I also learned that she had been attacked by coyotes when she was a puppy.
00:23:04.640 --> 00:23:08.960
So clearly, she's got some post-traumatic stress.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:10.880
Just like me.
00:23:12.559 --> 00:23:26.559
So receiving this new information, it allowed me to not only just see this dog that was terrifying me, I was able to see her behavior, her patterns, her triggers.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:31.200
I was able to see her as another nervous system.
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:38.880
And because this is what I do for a living, my curiosity started coming back online.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:44.400
And instead of only asking, why is Jaina doing this to me?
00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:48.880
I started asking, what's happening for Jaina?
00:23:50.079 --> 00:23:52.799
And how can I learn and grow from this?
00:23:54.720 --> 00:23:57.519
And those questions changed everything.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:01.359
And not because I suddenly knew she wouldn't bite me.
00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:06.319
And certainly not because I decided I should ignore my own fear.
00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:09.119
It just simply gave me more information.
00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:15.599
And more information gives us more choices, more options.
00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:21.680
I was opening the more difficult side of the cage.
00:24:21.759 --> 00:24:29.279
She didn't even know it opened from the side that I was trying to open it from, probably because it was essentially broken.
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:31.839
It was really, really hard to open.
00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:33.839
It was so frustrating.
00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:38.799
So I changed doors to the front door, which I didn't even realize there was one.
00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:49.680
And immediately things got better because there was less fumbling and less frustration for me and less time with my hands near the teeth.
00:24:50.880 --> 00:24:54.240
And I noticed that Jaina was less activated.
00:24:55.359 --> 00:24:57.519
And then I realized something else.
00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:02.000
I had been letting Ozzy out first, which made sense to me because Ozzy was easy.
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:06.160
Open the crate, giant happy puppy comes bouncing out, boop-pa-doop-ba-doo, done.
00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:07.440
Then I deal with Jaina.
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:13.920
But I started noticing that when Ozzie was loose while Jaina was still confined, she seemed more stressed.
00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:16.960
So I changed the order.
00:25:17.200 --> 00:25:19.359
Now I walk directly over to Jaina.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:24.240
I'm calmer because I know how the latch works and I know what to expect.
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:26.480
And I know that she may bark.
00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:33.119
But I don't have the same fear response to the barking as I did before.
00:25:33.519 --> 00:25:37.039
Because, first of all, I'm not stressed about the latch.
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:39.119
It just boom, easy to open.
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:45.119
It actually, the door, I have it so it opens toward me, and she's on the other side of it.
00:25:45.359 --> 00:25:52.400
So she's not coming at me when I open the door, and I have a chair actually right there in front of me, too.
00:25:52.480 --> 00:26:00.400
Um so when I open it, she just can like run right around the table, and then I can let Ozzie out.
00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:02.880
And things are just so much better.
00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:04.799
So much better.
00:26:05.200 --> 00:26:08.400
And they're getting better and better every day.
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:15.519
I didn't change Jaina, I just changed the conditions surrounding her behavior.
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:23.839
And that observation, it hit me hard because we do this with human beings all the time.
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:29.839
We see a behavior we don't like and we immediately focus on changing the behavior.
00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:38.160
You know, a child is melting down, a partner is becoming defensive, or an employee shuts down?
00:26:39.519 --> 00:26:45.680
Maybe someone becomes reactive and we ask, how do I stop you from acting this way?
00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:53.200
But what if we first ask, what happened immediately before this behavior started?
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:55.920
What's happening in the environment?
00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:57.920
What's happening in the relationship?
00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:00.640
What's happening inside the nervous system?
00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:03.920
What might this behavior be protecting?
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:07.599
That's the heart of so much of this work.
00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:10.640
Behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:21.680
I've been doing these one minute of awarenesses on social media since the end of June every day, and they're about behavior, and they're about patterns.
00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:29.680
Because once we understand the patterns surrounding the behavior, we often discover places where something can change.
00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:38.880
But understanding behavior does not mean tolerating behavior that makes you feel unsafe.
00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:42.319
And this is where I noticed another change in myself.
00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:47.279
I told Samiya, I will take Ozzy's for walks.
00:27:47.440 --> 00:27:49.599
I hadn't taken any of the dogs for a walk yet.
00:27:49.759 --> 00:28:10.880
I was literally just like trying to get used to the whole crate and barking and trauma thing that was happening to me, and I hadn't even taken them for a walk yet, which I was told was not actually that necessary because Jaina and Sarah were breeding dogs for these black German shepherds.
00:28:11.119 --> 00:28:20.480
And so because they did that for most of their life, they're not used to going on walks, I guess, or they don't even play catch and stuff, so it's not that big of a deal.
00:28:20.559 --> 00:28:27.920
And they do have a nice big patio that they're allowed to be outside all the time, so they get plenty of exercise running around in the yard.
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:35.279
But I knew I wanted to take them for a walk because I mean I still think dogs should go for a walk.
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.079
So I told Samiya, I'll take Ozzy for walks.
00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:40.960
I feel comfortable with him, but I will not take Jaina.
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:43.039
I don't know her well enough.
00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:54.079
I don't know how she'll respond to strangers, children, other dogs, or unexpected situations or triggers that I don't know about outside the house.
00:28:54.559 --> 00:29:00.160
And I don't feel comfortable being responsible for a large German shepherd in an environment that I can't control.
00:29:00.559 --> 00:29:05.200
So I just said, I need you to arrange for a dog walker for Jaina.
00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:25.039
And I really noticed this in me because I've spent a lifetime being a people pleaser, codependent, um, thinking that I was responsible for everything and had to be the strong one.
00:29:25.279 --> 00:29:32.079
So many, so many patterns I have got to practice unwinding so I can bring all these truths to you.
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:34.960
But I didn't feel guilty.
00:29:35.440 --> 00:29:41.279
I didn't spend any time wondering whether they thought I was being difficult.
00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:47.279
I didn't tell myself, you know, Lisa, you agreed to watch these dogs and you should be able to handle it.
00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:50.559
I didn't need to prove anything to anybody.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:55.920
I could have compassion for Jaina and still have a boundary.
00:29:57.119 --> 00:30:01.839
And that felt really important to me and like real growth.
00:30:02.319 --> 00:30:06.160
Because the old me probably wouldn't even have told the owner.
00:30:06.319 --> 00:30:09.759
I would have just sort of sucked it up and tried to figure it out myself.
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:16.000
But understanding why someone behaves the way they do can create compassion.
00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:21.519
And it doesn't require you to abandon yourself in order to accommodate them.
00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:33.359
It's true with dogs, it's true with children, it's true with parents, it's true with partners, it's true essentially in every relationship that we have.
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:42.559
And I can understand that your childhood made conflict difficult for you and still refuse to let you scream at me.
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:51.119
I can understand that abandonment created fear in you and still have boundaries around controlling behavior.
00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:58.160
I can understand that someone is dysregulated without allowing their dysregulation to become mine.
00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.480
Compassion and boundaries can exist in the same room.
00:31:05.759 --> 00:31:10.000
And that may be one of the biggest things Jaina reminded me of this week.
00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:13.039
And also my son Tony, he helped me.
00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:19.279
I called him and he helped me see something that I that was very helpful.
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:23.920
He reminded me that he has a dog, Oakley, who's a ridgeback.
00:31:24.319 --> 00:31:28.079
And they live, my son lives in Phoenix.
00:31:28.160 --> 00:31:30.559
I live in California, and I've gone to visit him many times.
00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:33.839
And Oakley will growl and bark.
00:31:34.319 --> 00:31:46.000
And Tony reminded me that he has a roommate, and that Oakley will sometimes run right to his roommate's door and growl and bark at him.
00:31:46.079 --> 00:31:53.599
And this roommate's lived with him for nearly two years and takes care of him, feeds him, you know, does all the things.
00:31:53.839 --> 00:31:59.039
And I remembered that when I've been there visiting, Oakley has done that to me.
00:31:59.519 --> 00:32:02.799
But I didn't give it much thought when he did.
00:32:02.960 --> 00:32:05.920
I was kind of like, why are you in a mood, Oakley?
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:10.000
But it never scared me because I knew this dog.
00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:12.319
I knew this dog wasn't a biter.
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:17.519
I knew that he has a little anxiety, and that's just kind of his personality.
00:32:17.759 --> 00:32:24.079
I didn't know that about Jaina when she was barking at me and growling at me on the stairs or from in the crate.
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:30.400
So uncertainty itself became part of the threat.
00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:34.160
And as I got to know Jaina, something started to change.
00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:37.119
She still barks in her crate.
00:32:38.960 --> 00:32:42.880
She hasn't transformed into a golden retriever exactly.
00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:45.759
But I'm not afraid of her the way that I was.
00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:47.279
I understand more.
00:32:47.519 --> 00:32:49.200
I approach her differently.
00:32:49.440 --> 00:32:50.640
I'm calmer.
00:32:51.119 --> 00:32:54.400
I respect the situations that seem to activate her.
00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:59.119
I don't put either of us unnecessarily into those situations.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:04.640
I don't go up the stairs when she's not in her crate or outside.
00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:06.240
I simply don't do it.
00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:12.240
It's not hard to get her in her crate, and if I need to go to my room, she just goes outside or in the crate.
00:33:13.039 --> 00:33:16.559
And so I've changed how I interact with her.
00:33:16.799 --> 00:33:19.440
And that's changed our relationship.
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:27.200
Which brings me to one of the deeper reflections that I've had about this entire experience.
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:37.519
Here I am, living temporarily in a house with three enormous German shepherds, three animals that we culturally associate with protection.
00:33:38.319 --> 00:33:43.920
And there was something almost comical about realizing that I'm surrounded by protectors.
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:48.079
Yet one of the protectors initially made me feel unsafe.
00:33:48.319 --> 00:33:53.759
And I couldn't help noticing the symbolism, because that's just the way my brain works.
00:33:54.559 --> 00:33:58.640
Because there have been times in my life when safety felt like that.
00:33:59.759 --> 00:34:04.480
Pretty much most of my life, up until the age of 47.
00:34:05.039 --> 00:34:12.960
Safe but still scanning, loved but still bracing, protected but waiting for something to change.
00:34:14.079 --> 00:34:19.199
And I found myself wondering how familiar is that combination to my nervous system?
00:34:20.320 --> 00:34:29.519
When life presents me with an experience this powerful, I've learned to ask, how can I learn and grow from this?
00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:35.920
I didn't ask that question while Jana was chasing me up the stairs, though.
00:34:36.480 --> 00:34:41.039
I wasn't standing there thinking, thank you for this beautiful growth opportunity.
00:34:41.280 --> 00:34:41.599
No.
00:34:42.159 --> 00:34:44.480
I was trying to get my ass behind the door.
00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:51.440
There's a time for safety, there's a time for regulation, there's a time for support.
00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:57.519
And then when the nervous system has settled enough, there can be time for meaning.
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:01.679
That's very different from spiritually bypassing.
00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:05.280
I didn't need to pretend I wasn't frightened.
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:08.880
I didn't need to decide everything happened for a reason.
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:12.960
I didn't need to immediately turn fear into gratitude.
00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:16.320
First, I acknowledged what happened.
00:35:16.559 --> 00:35:18.480
Then I received support.
00:35:18.880 --> 00:35:21.280
Then I created more safety.
00:35:21.519 --> 00:35:24.320
Then I changed what needed to change.
00:35:24.639 --> 00:35:26.719
I established boundaries.
00:35:27.039 --> 00:35:30.559
And only after that did I become curious.
00:35:30.880 --> 00:35:34.400
That's what I mean when I talk about closing the loop.
00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:37.360
We don't deny the experience.
00:35:37.519 --> 00:35:41.840
We don't stay inside the experience forever either.
00:35:42.559 --> 00:35:44.559
We allow it to move.
00:35:44.880 --> 00:35:48.960
We let our nervous system complete what it needs to complete.
00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:56.719
We learn, we adjust, and eventually we stop allowing that moment to write the rest of our story.
00:35:57.840 --> 00:36:01.760
I could have left this experience saying I was traumatized by a dog.
00:36:02.079 --> 00:36:05.440
And technically, I did feel traumatized.
00:36:05.760 --> 00:36:08.159
My nervous system was overwhelmed.
00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:11.679
But I don't want that to become my story.
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:16.159
The story that I want to carry forward is something scared me.
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:18.400
I listened to my body.
00:36:18.719 --> 00:36:20.559
I protected myself.
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:22.559
I accepted support.
00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:24.960
I set boundaries.
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:27.119
I became curious.
00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:28.960
I learned more.
00:36:29.519 --> 00:36:31.679
I changed the environment.
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:34.159
I developed compassion.
00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:38.159
And I stayed connected to myself through the process.
00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:44.000
And I believe that that's what real-time healing actually looks like.
00:36:44.880 --> 00:36:51.119
Not that you never get triggered or that you're never afraid anymore.
00:36:51.440 --> 00:36:56.800
And definitely not becoming so spiritually evolved that nothing affects you.
00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:05.840
But recognizing more quickly what is happening inside of you and responding differently.
00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:11.920
And refusing to abandon yourself in the process.
00:37:12.559 --> 00:37:18.000
Because what you practice next becomes your next pattern.
00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:48.719
So if something happens this week and suddenly your entire life seems wrong, before you quit your job or end your relationship or move to another country, delete your business, or decide that the last decade of your life has become a complete disaster, which is where my head was, check your nervous system and ask, what happened immediately before I started feeling this way?
00:37:49.440 --> 00:37:52.000
What does my body need right now?
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:59.440
What is actually unsafe and what simply feels familiar?
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:04.800
What boundary would create more safety for me?
00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:11.519
And then when you're ready, you can ask, how can I learn and grow from this?
00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:14.400
And you don't have to force the answer.
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:18.960
Sometimes the learning needs a little space before it arrives.
00:38:20.159 --> 00:38:20.960
Minded.
00:38:22.400 --> 00:38:29.920
And today, eight days into living with Sahara, Ozzie, and Jaina, things definitely feel different.
00:38:30.719 --> 00:38:33.679
Sahara's still completely unbothered and chill.
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:41.360
And Jaina, she's still Jaina.
00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:44.239
But now I know her a little better.
00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:58.719
And honestly, as of like last night, I let I leave Ozzie in the crate, I open the door to the back patio, and then as I'm going over to her crate, I'm like, hey Jaina, you want to go out?
00:38:58.800 --> 00:38:59.360
You want to go out?
00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:02.159
And she might be barking ferociously.
00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:08.719
But when I get over to the crate, because I'm so relaxed, I'm like, she just wants to get out.
00:39:08.960 --> 00:39:13.280
I actually heard her whimper today rather than growl.
00:39:13.440 --> 00:39:18.320
She was like, yeah, I want to get out, I want to get out.
00:39:18.639 --> 00:39:26.000
And now I see that all that scary, nasty.
00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:32.880
It's like when your child says, I hear this a lot too from parents recently, most like a lot.
00:39:33.039 --> 00:39:40.960
I don't know why, but parents that I that I'm coaching, like these young children are saying, like, I hate you, I wish you would die.
00:39:41.440 --> 00:39:47.039
They say like the meanest things, and and I'm always telling parents, they're just dysregulated.
00:39:47.199 --> 00:39:55.440
They're trying to use the only words they know to describe to you that they don't feel right right now.
00:39:56.159 --> 00:39:58.880
And I think that's what Jaina was doing.
00:39:59.199 --> 00:40:03.360
Maybe she's scared when she's in her crate and things are going on on the stairs.
00:40:03.519 --> 00:40:04.880
Maybe she doesn't feel safe.
00:40:05.039 --> 00:40:08.079
Maybe she remembers being eaten by a coyote.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:09.119
I don't know.
00:40:11.840 --> 00:40:19.360
But nothing about what happened needed to disappear for something new to become possible between us.
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:21.760
And I think that's beautiful.
00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:25.119
Because maybe healing isn't erasing what happened.
00:40:25.280 --> 00:40:28.239
Maybe it's just changing what happens next.
00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:30.079
At least it's working for me.
00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:33.440
And maybe it'll work for you too.
00:40:34.320 --> 00:40:42.239
Thank you for spending time with me, listening to my story, and thank you to Sahara, Ozzy, and Jaina for providing the material for this episode number 50.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:45.199
I couldn't have done it without them.
00:40:45.519 --> 00:40:53.360
I could have done with a slightly less terrifying teaching method, but apparently subtlety wasn't on the curriculum this week.
00:40:53.599 --> 00:40:59.360
Sometimes we get exactly what we need, even if it is challenging.
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:13.519
So if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or share it with someone whose inner Karen has been filing complaints in departments that she has absolutely no business visiting.
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:17.920
And until next week, keep getting curious.
00:41:18.159 --> 00:41:19.599
Keep becoming aware.
00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:22.480
And remember, you're not broken.
00:41:22.639 --> 00:41:23.760
You're patterned.
00:41:23.920 --> 00:41:26.880
And patterns, they can be changed.
00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:31.360
Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
00:41:31.519 --> 00:41:41.199
If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
00:41:41.440 --> 00:41:50.639
If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
00:41:50.800 --> 00:41:56.880
And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakentheone.org.
00:41:57.039 --> 00:42:05.679
Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.
00:00:01.199 --> 00:00:02.959
Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:06.559
I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation.
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:16.320
This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:21.679
If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:23.039
Let's begin.
00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:30.000
Hello and welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:32.880
Today I have a story for you.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:41.679
And if you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know I don't tell stories nearly as often as I probably should or actually would like to.
00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:44.159
So maybe this is the beginning.
00:00:45.280 --> 00:01:04.640
But this week, oh my gosh, life handed me a story, and apparently life decided that subtly wasn't necessary because the lesson, it arrived in the form of three enormous jet-black German shepherds.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:07.439
And I'm so excited to tell you this story.
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:08.319
Here we go.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:10.640
So anyway, I'm currently pet sitting.
00:01:10.879 --> 00:01:26.640
I'm I use trusted house sitters to pet sit, and um so I took on this pet sitting opportunity because I actually needed a place to stay because I had to vacate my house for a couple of weeks.
00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:40.560
And this pet sitting gig on pet sitters lined up just perfectly from where it's in the town I live in, it was the exact dates I needed, and so I was super excited about it.
00:01:41.040 --> 00:01:48.879
The gentleman that I'm pet sitting for, he is traveling internationally for 18 days, and he has three dogs.
00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:52.239
Three large black German shepherds.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:56.239
Only 6% of German shepherds are all black.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:01:57.920
So he's got three of them.
00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:00.719
The oldest is Sahara, and she's nine.
00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:05.599
And honestly, Sahara could not be less interested in creating drama.
00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:06.799
She's just chill.
00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:09.599
She doesn't need to be crated when I leave.
00:02:09.840 --> 00:02:21.039
She hangs out by the front door and she's basically just watching what's happening, and generally she seems to have decided that after nine years on this planet, very little Laurence getting worked up about.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:21.840
So she doesn't.
00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:24.080
She likes to eat and she likes pets.
00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:26.400
She likes lots of petting.
00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:28.240
And then there's Ozzie.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:34.000
Ozzie is only about 18 months old, but he's already a massive German shepherd.
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:40.800
Except Ozzie apparently hasn't received the memo that he's massive because he's a puppy.
00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:45.199
He's giant, goofy, affectionate.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:46.400
He wants love.
00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:48.800
He jumps up on my shoulders.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:53.360
And then yeah, but he's he's good.
00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:54.960
He's funny.
00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:58.719
Then there's Jaina, and that's what this story is about.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:02:59.520
Jaina.
00:03:00.159 --> 00:03:01.759
Jaina's five.
00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:06.240
And from the very first night, I knew Jaina was going to be different.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:12.960
In fact, I did go over to the house before I pet sat to visit the house and visit the dogs and the owner.
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:17.280
And I got a little bit of history about them, but not very much.
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:21.520
And the owner, he said he's never put this up on house sitters before.
00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:27.840
So I'm the very first person to ever do this for him, stay in his house and take care of his three dogs.
00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:31.680
So he wasn't sure, you know, exactly what to tell and what not to tell.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:36.719
And I didn't necessarily know all the questions to ask either.
00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:40.960
But when I did meet them, they were all pretty good.
00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:42.719
We were kind of outside on a patio.
00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:51.039
But Jaina, he mentioned that Jaina uh needed to get to know people, like she was harder to get to know.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:56.879
And she kind of rubbed up against me, and he's like, Wow, it, but it seems like she's already starting to like you.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:03:59.120
She usually doesn't warm up to people that quickly.
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:00.719
And he's like, That's a great sign.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:03.919
And that's pretty much all he told me about Jaina.
00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:07.039
Jana's five.
00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:12.159
And from the very first night, I just I knew it was gonna be different.
00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:21.360
When I arrived at the house, they were crated, Jaina and Ozzie, they're in separate crates in the dining room.
00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:27.920
And Sahara, she's allowed to not be in a crate, and she was just sleeping by the front door when I walked in.
00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:34.000
And when I walked in, Jaina was simply barking at me.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:41.759
But I need you to actually picture this because it matters to what happened later.
00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:59.360
Here's this large jet black German Shepherd inside her crate, barking, and not just regular barking, like ferociously growling, showing those very large white German shepherd teeth that she has against the black fur.
00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:03.120
And I have to open the crate.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:05.199
I have to go over and open the crate.
00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:07.360
And I don't know her that well.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:10.160
I don't know what her growl really means.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:15.040
I don't know her history, and I don't know what she's gonna do when the door opens.
00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:18.879
So I'm opening it with a lot of just faith and trust.
00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:24.879
I don't know if she's warning me, I don't know if she's scared or territorial.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.680
I'm assuming she's not gonna bite my hand off, but I'm not positive.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:35.839
All I know is that I have to put my hands right next to this dog's face and unlock the crate.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:45.600
And because apparently I needed one more ingredient for this delightful nervous system experiment that I was having.
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:48.240
I was using the wrong door on the crate.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:55.680
The crate has two sides, and I was opening the same side of Jaina's crate that I was opening of Ozzie's crate.
00:05:55.839 --> 00:06:00.560
And I'm including pictures here for the YouTube version of this podcast.
00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:08.160
So if you'd like to see the pictures, you can pop on over to YouTube, and it will make the story a little bit more interesting, I guess.
00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:10.959
So I was using the wrong side of the door.
00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:14.959
The latch on the side that I was trying to open, it just kept getting stuck.
00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:37.120
So I'm crouched down, I'm trying to push this stupid latch, and I had already let Ozzy out of his cage, and Ozzy's this m, he's the biggest of the three of them, the youngest and the biggest, and he's jumping on me, licking me, just wanting to play, and I'm getting really frustrated, and Jaina is barking like ferociously.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:39.199
She's getting more activated.
00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:40.720
She starts growling.
00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:45.759
So I like I pull my hands away now because I'm afraid and I don't want her to bite me.
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:47.360
And so I walk away.
00:06:47.519 --> 00:06:52.800
I let Ozzie and Sahara outside, and I go into the kitchen, and I'm like, I'm just gonna let her calm down.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:56.639
Then I'll try to go back over and I wait and I try again.
00:06:56.879 --> 00:06:59.759
More barking, more teeth, more growling.
00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:03.279
I'm getting activated just telling this story.
00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:10.399
Because what happened really was traumatic for me, and I'm getting to that part.
00:07:11.120 --> 00:07:17.199
So honestly, it was just a scene of terror every time I had to open that damn crate.
00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:25.199
And then once she was out, she was mostly fine, which made the whole thing even more confusing because now I'm thinking, okay, who are you?
00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:28.639
And which version of you am I getting next time?
00:07:29.600 --> 00:07:37.279
And I'd also been told that Jaina could become reactive when people come down the stairs, that she would bark.
00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:46.639
In a text somebody had mentioned that sometimes when Samia, the girlfriend, comes down the stairs, and Jaina's not in her crate, she'll really bark at her on the stairs.
00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:52.079
And the owner said sometimes uh Samia gives her treats to help calm her down.
00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:57.920
And I'm thinking, well, I'm not gonna give her a treat in her crate to calm her down.
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:02.160
I don't want her to think that it's okay to bark at me like this.
00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:04.879
She needs to calm down before I'm gonna open the crate.
00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:10.959
So I always waited till she just stopped growling and I let her bark, but I would open the crate.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:14.399
Anyway, the stairs, it's it's it's important.
00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:19.120
So I knew the stairs were a thing.
00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:23.680
What I didn't know was how much of a thing.
00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:27.519
So a couple of nights go by into the pet sit.
00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:30.959
It's probably like seven or eight o'clock at night.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.120
I have the back door open.
00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:38.000
This house is a townhouse, it's a two-story townhouse, it's not super big.
00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:48.159
Living room, dining room, combination sort of kitchen on the main floor, and then a back patio off of the dining room that they close to the crates, they can run in and out.
00:08:48.559 --> 00:08:50.559
So the back door is open to the patio.
00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:52.799
I've I'm working from home.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:09:00.080
All three dogs are just kind of running in and out into the patio, roaming around, going in and out and playing, and everything's fine.
00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:06.000
And at some point, I went upstairs to my bedroom to get something, and the dogs were kind of running around.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:16.879
And then at some point, Ozzie and Jane were kind of like running halfway up the stairs and sort of playing with each other, and they're running back and forth on the stairs, and then I decide I'm gonna go downstairs now.
00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:26.960
So I start to walk down the stairs, and the stairs are the kind that like a split level where they go down, drop to a landing, turn, and go down the other way.
00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:36.879
So I started walking down the stairs, and as I reach the landing, it turn it turns, right?
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:39.679
And then it continues to the main floor.
00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:45.919
But as I'm coming down that first section towards the landing, Ozzie and Jaina were there.
00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.080
They were like, they had been running back and forth.
00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:49.279
So they were there, they weren't there.
00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:52.159
They were there, you know, and they were barking and playing and whatever.
00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:56.960
But when I get to the landing, halfway down the stairs, they're both there.
00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:08.399
And Jaina sees me, and something changes in her, and she starts barking and growling.
00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:14.159
And this wasn't like just a little bit, like, hey, I don't like that.
00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:15.759
This was ferocious.
00:10:16.080 --> 00:10:26.399
I was terrified, and suddenly, I mean, it just hit me like I don't know this dog, I don't know how serious this bark is.
00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:29.759
If I keep walking down the stairs, is she gonna bite me?
00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:40.639
Like, after seeing her behavior in the crate and how ferocious that bark is and how big those teeth are, like, I was genuinely terrified.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:43.840
It's coming back for me now.
00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:52.320
You know, I had already spent two days putting my hands near this dog's crate while she was showing her teeth and growling at me.
00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:57.919
So I don't know her well enough to know whether this is noise or whether she's gonna bite me.
00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:06.559
So I do what many of us do when we're terrified and trying desperately not to look terrified, because that's the worst thing you can do around an animal.
00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:08.480
So I just start pretending everything's fine.
00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:10.960
Everything's totally fine.
00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:14.399
I'm talking to her, trying to sound relaxed, trying to keep my body calm.
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:19.120
Meanwhile, my nervous system is basically screaming, we have a situation here.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:23.360
So I decided I wasn't gonna continue down the stairs with her there.
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:30.960
So I turn around and I thought, I'll just go back upstairs and I'll just wait until she moves or runs outside, and then I'll come down later.
00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:32.879
Except she followed me.
00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:40.879
She followed me barking and growling, like pushing me up the stairs.
00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:55.360
And so I'm like backing up now towards my bedroom door, and she's just coming at me, and I back up into my door and I slam the door like in her face and I lock it.
00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:01.120
And I'm thinking, oh my god, what the fuck just happened?
00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:05.519
And how am I gonna get out of this room?
00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:07.120
I was safe.
00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:10.879
There was a door between us, and nothing physically happened to me.
00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:15.360
She didn't bite me, but my body, it didn't care about any of that.
00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:19.200
My nervous system was completely shot.
00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:28.080
The story became much bigger for me than what happened with this dog because I recognized that feeling.
00:12:28.639 --> 00:12:39.840
I haven't felt that frightened, that cornered, that bullied, that uncertain about my physical safety in a very long time.
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:43.120
2014 to be exact.
00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:52.639
And it brought up a body sensation that I recognized from an earlier chapter in my life.
00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.879
And I I wasn't sitting there consciously thinking about the past.
00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:00.240
I just mean that my body knew this feeling.
00:13:00.879 --> 00:13:11.360
And that's important because our nervous systems can recognize something long before our conscious mind can make sense of it.
00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:23.600
A tone, a look, a sound, someone approaching us aggressively, feeling trapped, feeling like we don't know what another person, or in this case, an animal, is gonna do next.
00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:26.159
And suddenly the body's like, oh, I know this.
00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:29.759
And that's what a trigger, you know, actually is it's information.
00:13:29.919 --> 00:13:39.039
Something in the present has activated an association response or protective pattern that our nervous system already knows.
00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:51.600
And sometimes the present situation really does require us to protect ourselves, and that's important because nervous system regulation isn't about convincing ourselves that everything is safe.
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:53.440
Sometimes everything isn't safe.
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:58.159
Sometimes we don't have enough information to know whether we're safe.
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:08.639
Regulation is about becoming grounded enough to accurately assess what is safe, what isn't, and what don't I know yet.
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:12.080
And what do I need to do to take care of myself?
00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:17.679
And that night, what I needed was a closed bedroom door.
00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:23.279
So that's what I gave myself, at least for a few minutes.
00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:30.320
I had to come out of that bedroom though, and that took a lot of courage.
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:50.799
And I just peeked over the side of the wall, like in between the two stairs, and watched for her to go out onto the patio and get far enough from away from the patio door that I had time to get down to the bottom of the stairs into the kitchen before she saw me on the stairs.
00:14:51.039 --> 00:14:55.200
Because I did understand the stairs were the trigger.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:15:01.279
I did have enough information from Samia to know that I think it's the stairs that are triggering her.
00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:03.360
So I just have to get down them.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:05.440
And that's what I was able to do.
00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:11.120
And when I did get down to the bottom of the stairs without her seeing me, and she came running in, everything was fine.
00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:14.000
She just did not growl or bark at me again.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:20.720
So that was very a good end to a night, but it wasn't the end of it for my nervous system.
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:25.440
I was physically safe.
00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.720
Jaina was downstairs, I was downstairs.
00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:30.799
The immediate threat was gone.
00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.480
But again, my nervous system didn't get the memo.
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:40.159
And over the next day or two, I noticed something happening to me.
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:42.799
My thoughts started getting dark.
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:46.320
And strangely, they weren't really about Jaina.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:50.399
Suddenly I was thinking about my business.
00:15:51.039 --> 00:15:53.279
And there was a connection to that.
00:15:53.519 --> 00:16:05.360
Like, I shouldn't have to be house sitting, I should be in an Airbnb with no dogs and not having to trade, watching dogs and pet sitting and saving money.
00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:08.639
And that just spiraled into me thinking about my business.
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:10.159
I should be making more money.
00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:14.000
Why don't I have my shit together more the last 10 years?
00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:24.879
What I've been doing with my life from Mexico to divorce to marriage to literally everything was popping into my head.
00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:26.480
Life is exhausting.
00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:28.000
Everything feels difficult.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:30.320
Why am I still dealing with this?
00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:35.519
And eventually I came to the conclusion that everything just sucks and I suck at life.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:42.879
Which is fascinating when you think about it, because 24 hours earlier, my business was not a disaster.
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:53.440
My finances, you know, they hadn't dramatically changed, life hadn't fundamentally changed, and my goals hadn't changed, my relationship hadn't changed.
00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:56.159
A dog scared the living shit out of me.
00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:59.519
That is really the only thing that changed.
00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:02.720
But my body was still broadcasting.
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:04.960
Something is wrong.
00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:09.920
And my mind started searching for evidence.
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:16.319
This is something I think we dramatically underestimate about nervous system dysregulation.
00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:31.519
And it's something I've been paying close attention to with myself when I find my thoughts start catastrophizing and I can't regulate myself.
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:40.559
I've realized that it was a trigger of something else that then caused me to not be able to hold on to regulated thoughts.
00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:47.440
Because when the body is overwhelmed, our perception can change with it.
00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:51.839
The nervous system is basically saying, you know, something's wrong.
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:54.640
And the brain says, Don't worry, I'll figure out what it is.
00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:57.599
And the brain is very good at finding evidence.
00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:07.039
Suddenly every unfinished goal matters, every uncertainty feels bigger, every disappointment seems to join in on the conversation.
00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:21.119
And apparently, when my nervous system calls an emergency staff meeting, everyone gets invited, including my neighbor Karen, who hasn't had anything useful to say since 2007.
00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:26.240
And you know Karen, she's not staying in her lane.
00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:36.000
Because when you're dysregulated, your inner Karen starts filing complaints about departments that weren't even involved in the original incident.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:50.880
Something happens in one area of your life, and suddenly your brain is reviewing your finances, your relationship, your career, your body, that decision you made six years ago, and whether you've accomplished enough with your life.
00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:59.279
And this week I was able to recognize something that I didn't think I would have recognized nearly as quickly years ago.
00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:03.039
None of those things necessarily changed.
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.880
Only my nervous system did.
00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:10.480
And once I could see that, I didn't have to believe every thought.
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:15.599
My thoughts were giving me information, but they weren't necessarily giving me instructions.
00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:24.240
I didn't need to solve my business problems or make any major life changes or decisions.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:34.160
I didn't need to figure out the last 10 years or determine really what I've been doing or where I went wrong.
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:36.400
None of that was needed.
00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:39.920
I needed to help my body feel safe again.
00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:45.440
And this is the line I want you to remember from this podcast episode.
00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:52.400
When everything suddenly feels wrong, check your nervous system before you check your life.
00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:57.039
Because your life, it might need some changes.
00:19:57.759 --> 00:20:00.720
I mean, all of ours certainly do, right?
00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:02.079
A little bit here and there.
00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:10.079
But evaluate those things when you're regulated, not when your nervous system is standing in the middle of a room pulling the fire alarm.
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:14.720
And definitely not while Karen is running the meeting.
00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:23.119
Now, this is where the story starts to change because I contacted the owner and I told him what happened.
00:20:24.400 --> 00:20:32.400
And his girlfriend, Samiya, she came over, and one of the first things she did when she got there was hug me.
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:35.920
Just such a simple thing.
00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:42.079
But I could feel what it did to my body, and I'm gonna cry now thinking about it.
00:20:44.400 --> 00:20:47.119
I had picked up the phone and called my kids.
00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:49.279
I had called my husband.
00:20:49.599 --> 00:21:04.799
I was talking to people, but human connection, someone validating you is priceless, honestly.
00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:07.200
And she understood me.
00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:15.920
She said that Jane has made her cry too, and that she's barked and growled at her like that on the stairs, and that it is really, really scary.
00:21:16.880 --> 00:21:20.319
And so I felt seen and I felt heard.
00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:29.519
And that hug did more for me than any of the other regulation techniques that I had worked on.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:34.240
I felt really grateful.
00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:37.759
And nobody told me that I was overreacting.
00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:44.319
The owner was deeply apologetic and grateful that I didn't abandon the job.
00:21:44.799 --> 00:21:52.720
Nobody told me that Jaina was harmless, that I was being ridiculous.
00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:58.480
Nobody asked me to override what my body had experienced.
00:21:58.640 --> 00:21:59.519
They understood.
00:22:01.119 --> 00:22:04.400
And that alone helped so much.
00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:11.759
And then Samiya started telling me more about the dogs, things that I hadn't known before.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:19.519
She told me that Sahara came first, and then Jaina, and more recently, they got Ozzie.
00:22:19.839 --> 00:22:24.480
And apparently Jaina had changed somewhat after Ozzie came into the family.
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:28.799
And now suddenly I had context.
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:36.240
Here's this five-year-old dog whose environment changed when this enormous energetic puppy arrived.
00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:40.480
His crate got positioned directly in front of hers.
00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:51.759
And I also learned more about Jaina's sensitivity around the stairs and that there had been interactions there in the past that may have contributed to that area becoming activated for her.
00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:55.039
A child was doing something annoying to her there.
00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:59.839
And so clearly it was a trigger.
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:04.079
I also learned that she had been attacked by coyotes when she was a puppy.
00:23:04.640 --> 00:23:08.960
So clearly, she's got some post-traumatic stress.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:10.880
Just like me.
00:23:12.559 --> 00:23:26.559
So receiving this new information, it allowed me to not only just see this dog that was terrifying me, I was able to see her behavior, her patterns, her triggers.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:31.200
I was able to see her as another nervous system.
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:38.880
And because this is what I do for a living, my curiosity started coming back online.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:44.400
And instead of only asking, why is Jaina doing this to me?
00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:48.880
I started asking, what's happening for Jaina?
00:23:50.079 --> 00:23:52.799
And how can I learn and grow from this?
00:23:54.720 --> 00:23:57.519
And those questions changed everything.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:01.359
And not because I suddenly knew she wouldn't bite me.
00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:06.319
And certainly not because I decided I should ignore my own fear.
00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:09.119
It just simply gave me more information.
00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:15.599
And more information gives us more choices, more options.
00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:21.680
I was opening the more difficult side of the cage.
00:24:21.759 --> 00:24:29.279
She didn't even know it opened from the side that I was trying to open it from, probably because it was essentially broken.
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:31.839
It was really, really hard to open.
00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:33.839
It was so frustrating.
00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:38.799
So I changed doors to the front door, which I didn't even realize there was one.
00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:49.680
And immediately things got better because there was less fumbling and less frustration for me and less time with my hands near the teeth.
00:24:50.880 --> 00:24:54.240
And I noticed that Jaina was less activated.
00:24:55.359 --> 00:24:57.519
And then I realized something else.
00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:02.000
I had been letting Ozzy out first, which made sense to me because Ozzy was easy.
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:06.160
Open the crate, giant happy puppy comes bouncing out, boop-pa-doop-ba-doo, done.
00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:07.440
Then I deal with Jaina.
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:13.920
But I started noticing that when Ozzie was loose while Jaina was still confined, she seemed more stressed.
00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:16.960
So I changed the order.
00:25:17.200 --> 00:25:19.359
Now I walk directly over to Jaina.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:24.240
I'm calmer because I know how the latch works and I know what to expect.
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:26.480
And I know that she may bark.
00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:33.119
But I don't have the same fear response to the barking as I did before.
00:25:33.519 --> 00:25:37.039
Because, first of all, I'm not stressed about the latch.
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:39.119
It just boom, easy to open.
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:45.119
It actually, the door, I have it so it opens toward me, and she's on the other side of it.
00:25:45.359 --> 00:25:52.400
So she's not coming at me when I open the door, and I have a chair actually right there in front of me, too.
00:25:52.480 --> 00:26:00.400
Um so when I open it, she just can like run right around the table, and then I can let Ozzie out.
00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:02.880
And things are just so much better.
00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:04.799
So much better.
00:26:05.200 --> 00:26:08.400
And they're getting better and better every day.
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:15.519
I didn't change Jaina, I just changed the conditions surrounding her behavior.
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:23.839
And that observation, it hit me hard because we do this with human beings all the time.
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:29.839
We see a behavior we don't like and we immediately focus on changing the behavior.
00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:38.160
You know, a child is melting down, a partner is becoming defensive, or an employee shuts down?
00:26:39.519 --> 00:26:45.680
Maybe someone becomes reactive and we ask, how do I stop you from acting this way?
00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:53.200
But what if we first ask, what happened immediately before this behavior started?
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:55.920
What's happening in the environment?
00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:57.920
What's happening in the relationship?
00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:00.640
What's happening inside the nervous system?
00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:03.920
What might this behavior be protecting?
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:07.599
That's the heart of so much of this work.
00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:10.640
Behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:21.680
I've been doing these one minute of awarenesses on social media since the end of June every day, and they're about behavior, and they're about patterns.
00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:29.680
Because once we understand the patterns surrounding the behavior, we often discover places where something can change.
00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:38.880
But understanding behavior does not mean tolerating behavior that makes you feel unsafe.
00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:42.319
And this is where I noticed another change in myself.
00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:47.279
I told Samiya, I will take Ozzy's for walks.
00:27:47.440 --> 00:27:49.599
I hadn't taken any of the dogs for a walk yet.
00:27:49.759 --> 00:28:10.880
I was literally just like trying to get used to the whole crate and barking and trauma thing that was happening to me, and I hadn't even taken them for a walk yet, which I was told was not actually that necessary because Jaina and Sarah were breeding dogs for these black German shepherds.
00:28:11.119 --> 00:28:20.480
And so because they did that for most of their life, they're not used to going on walks, I guess, or they don't even play catch and stuff, so it's not that big of a deal.
00:28:20.559 --> 00:28:27.920
And they do have a nice big patio that they're allowed to be outside all the time, so they get plenty of exercise running around in the yard.
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:35.279
But I knew I wanted to take them for a walk because I mean I still think dogs should go for a walk.
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.079
So I told Samiya, I'll take Ozzy for walks.
00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:40.960
I feel comfortable with him, but I will not take Jaina.
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:43.039
I don't know her well enough.
00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:54.079
I don't know how she'll respond to strangers, children, other dogs, or unexpected situations or triggers that I don't know about outside the house.
00:28:54.559 --> 00:29:00.160
And I don't feel comfortable being responsible for a large German shepherd in an environment that I can't control.
00:29:00.559 --> 00:29:05.200
So I just said, I need you to arrange for a dog walker for Jaina.
00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:25.039
And I really noticed this in me because I've spent a lifetime being a people pleaser, codependent, um, thinking that I was responsible for everything and had to be the strong one.
00:29:25.279 --> 00:29:32.079
So many, so many patterns I have got to practice unwinding so I can bring all these truths to you.
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:34.960
But I didn't feel guilty.
00:29:35.440 --> 00:29:41.279
I didn't spend any time wondering whether they thought I was being difficult.
00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:47.279
I didn't tell myself, you know, Lisa, you agreed to watch these dogs and you should be able to handle it.
00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:50.559
I didn't need to prove anything to anybody.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:55.920
I could have compassion for Jaina and still have a boundary.
00:29:57.119 --> 00:30:01.839
And that felt really important to me and like real growth.
00:30:02.319 --> 00:30:06.160
Because the old me probably wouldn't even have told the owner.
00:30:06.319 --> 00:30:09.759
I would have just sort of sucked it up and tried to figure it out myself.
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:16.000
But understanding why someone behaves the way they do can create compassion.
00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:21.519
And it doesn't require you to abandon yourself in order to accommodate them.
00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:33.359
It's true with dogs, it's true with children, it's true with parents, it's true with partners, it's true essentially in every relationship that we have.
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:42.559
And I can understand that your childhood made conflict difficult for you and still refuse to let you scream at me.
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:51.119
I can understand that abandonment created fear in you and still have boundaries around controlling behavior.
00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:58.160
I can understand that someone is dysregulated without allowing their dysregulation to become mine.
00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.480
Compassion and boundaries can exist in the same room.
00:31:05.759 --> 00:31:10.000
And that may be one of the biggest things Jaina reminded me of this week.
00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:13.039
And also my son Tony, he helped me.
00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:19.279
I called him and he helped me see something that I that was very helpful.
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:23.920
He reminded me that he has a dog, Oakley, who's a ridgeback.
00:31:24.319 --> 00:31:28.079
And they live, my son lives in Phoenix.
00:31:28.160 --> 00:31:30.559
I live in California, and I've gone to visit him many times.
00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:33.839
And Oakley will growl and bark.
00:31:34.319 --> 00:31:46.000
And Tony reminded me that he has a roommate, and that Oakley will sometimes run right to his roommate's door and growl and bark at him.
00:31:46.079 --> 00:31:53.599
And this roommate's lived with him for nearly two years and takes care of him, feeds him, you know, does all the things.
00:31:53.839 --> 00:31:59.039
And I remembered that when I've been there visiting, Oakley has done that to me.
00:31:59.519 --> 00:32:02.799
But I didn't give it much thought when he did.
00:32:02.960 --> 00:32:05.920
I was kind of like, why are you in a mood, Oakley?
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:10.000
But it never scared me because I knew this dog.
00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:12.319
I knew this dog wasn't a biter.
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:17.519
I knew that he has a little anxiety, and that's just kind of his personality.
00:32:17.759 --> 00:32:24.079
I didn't know that about Jaina when she was barking at me and growling at me on the stairs or from in the crate.
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:30.400
So uncertainty itself became part of the threat.
00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:34.160
And as I got to know Jaina, something started to change.
00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:37.119
She still barks in her crate.
00:32:38.960 --> 00:32:42.880
She hasn't transformed into a golden retriever exactly.
00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:45.759
But I'm not afraid of her the way that I was.
00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:47.279
I understand more.
00:32:47.519 --> 00:32:49.200
I approach her differently.
00:32:49.440 --> 00:32:50.640
I'm calmer.
00:32:51.119 --> 00:32:54.400
I respect the situations that seem to activate her.
00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:59.119
I don't put either of us unnecessarily into those situations.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:04.640
I don't go up the stairs when she's not in her crate or outside.
00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:06.240
I simply don't do it.
00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:12.240
It's not hard to get her in her crate, and if I need to go to my room, she just goes outside or in the crate.
00:33:13.039 --> 00:33:16.559
And so I've changed how I interact with her.
00:33:16.799 --> 00:33:19.440
And that's changed our relationship.
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:27.200
Which brings me to one of the deeper reflections that I've had about this entire experience.
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:37.519
Here I am, living temporarily in a house with three enormous German shepherds, three animals that we culturally associate with protection.
00:33:38.319 --> 00:33:43.920
And there was something almost comical about realizing that I'm surrounded by protectors.
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:48.079
Yet one of the protectors initially made me feel unsafe.
00:33:48.319 --> 00:33:53.759
And I couldn't help noticing the symbolism, because that's just the way my brain works.
00:33:54.559 --> 00:33:58.640
Because there have been times in my life when safety felt like that.
00:33:59.759 --> 00:34:04.480
Pretty much most of my life, up until the age of 47.
00:34:05.039 --> 00:34:12.960
Safe but still scanning, loved but still bracing, protected but waiting for something to change.
00:34:14.079 --> 00:34:19.199
And I found myself wondering how familiar is that combination to my nervous system?
00:34:20.320 --> 00:34:29.519
When life presents me with an experience this powerful, I've learned to ask, how can I learn and grow from this?
00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:35.920
I didn't ask that question while Jana was chasing me up the stairs, though.
00:34:36.480 --> 00:34:41.039
I wasn't standing there thinking, thank you for this beautiful growth opportunity.
00:34:41.280 --> 00:34:41.599
No.
00:34:42.159 --> 00:34:44.480
I was trying to get my ass behind the door.
00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:51.440
There's a time for safety, there's a time for regulation, there's a time for support.
00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:57.519
And then when the nervous system has settled enough, there can be time for meaning.
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:01.679
That's very different from spiritually bypassing.
00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:05.280
I didn't need to pretend I wasn't frightened.
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:08.880
I didn't need to decide everything happened for a reason.
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:12.960
I didn't need to immediately turn fear into gratitude.
00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:16.320
First, I acknowledged what happened.
00:35:16.559 --> 00:35:18.480
Then I received support.
00:35:18.880 --> 00:35:21.280
Then I created more safety.
00:35:21.519 --> 00:35:24.320
Then I changed what needed to change.
00:35:24.639 --> 00:35:26.719
I established boundaries.
00:35:27.039 --> 00:35:30.559
And only after that did I become curious.
00:35:30.880 --> 00:35:34.400
That's what I mean when I talk about closing the loop.
00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:37.360
We don't deny the experience.
00:35:37.519 --> 00:35:41.840
We don't stay inside the experience forever either.
00:35:42.559 --> 00:35:44.559
We allow it to move.
00:35:44.880 --> 00:35:48.960
We let our nervous system complete what it needs to complete.
00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:56.719
We learn, we adjust, and eventually we stop allowing that moment to write the rest of our story.
00:35:57.840 --> 00:36:01.760
I could have left this experience saying I was traumatized by a dog.
00:36:02.079 --> 00:36:05.440
And technically, I did feel traumatized.
00:36:05.760 --> 00:36:08.159
My nervous system was overwhelmed.
00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:11.679
But I don't want that to become my story.
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:16.159
The story that I want to carry forward is something scared me.
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:18.400
I listened to my body.
00:36:18.719 --> 00:36:20.559
I protected myself.
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:22.559
I accepted support.
00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:24.960
I set boundaries.
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:27.119
I became curious.
00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:28.960
I learned more.
00:36:29.519 --> 00:36:31.679
I changed the environment.
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:34.159
I developed compassion.
00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:38.159
And I stayed connected to myself through the process.
00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:44.000
And I believe that that's what real-time healing actually looks like.
00:36:44.880 --> 00:36:51.119
Not that you never get triggered or that you're never afraid anymore.
00:36:51.440 --> 00:36:56.800
And definitely not becoming so spiritually evolved that nothing affects you.
00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:05.840
But recognizing more quickly what is happening inside of you and responding differently.
00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:11.920
And refusing to abandon yourself in the process.
00:37:12.559 --> 00:37:18.000
Because what you practice next becomes your next pattern.
00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:48.719
So if something happens this week and suddenly your entire life seems wrong, before you quit your job or end your relationship or move to another country, delete your business, or decide that the last decade of your life has become a complete disaster, which is where my head was, check your nervous system and ask, what happened immediately before I started feeling this way?
00:37:49.440 --> 00:37:52.000
What does my body need right now?
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:59.440
What is actually unsafe and what simply feels familiar?
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:04.800
What boundary would create more safety for me?
00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:11.519
And then when you're ready, you can ask, how can I learn and grow from this?
00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:14.400
And you don't have to force the answer.
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:18.960
Sometimes the learning needs a little space before it arrives.
00:38:20.159 --> 00:38:20.960
Minded.
00:38:22.400 --> 00:38:29.920
And today, eight days into living with Sahara, Ozzie, and Jaina, things definitely feel different.
00:38:30.719 --> 00:38:33.679
Sahara's still completely unbothered and chill.
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:41.360
And Jaina, she's still Jaina.
00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:44.239
But now I know her a little better.
00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:58.719
And honestly, as of like last night, I let I leave Ozzie in the crate, I open the door to the back patio, and then as I'm going over to her crate, I'm like, hey Jaina, you want to go out?
00:38:58.800 --> 00:38:59.360
You want to go out?
00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:02.159
And she might be barking ferociously.
00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:08.719
But when I get over to the crate, because I'm so relaxed, I'm like, she just wants to get out.
00:39:08.960 --> 00:39:13.280
I actually heard her whimper today rather than growl.
00:39:13.440 --> 00:39:18.320
She was like, yeah, I want to get out, I want to get out.
00:39:18.639 --> 00:39:26.000
And now I see that all that scary, nasty.
00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:32.880
It's like when your child says, I hear this a lot too from parents recently, most like a lot.
00:39:33.039 --> 00:39:40.960
I don't know why, but parents that I that I'm coaching, like these young children are saying, like, I hate you, I wish you would die.
00:39:41.440 --> 00:39:47.039
They say like the meanest things, and and I'm always telling parents, they're just dysregulated.
00:39:47.199 --> 00:39:55.440
They're trying to use the only words they know to describe to you that they don't feel right right now.
00:39:56.159 --> 00:39:58.880
And I think that's what Jaina was doing.
00:39:59.199 --> 00:40:03.360
Maybe she's scared when she's in her crate and things are going on on the stairs.
00:40:03.519 --> 00:40:04.880
Maybe she doesn't feel safe.
00:40:05.039 --> 00:40:08.079
Maybe she remembers being eaten by a coyote.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:09.119
I don't know.
00:40:11.840 --> 00:40:19.360
But nothing about what happened needed to disappear for something new to become possible between us.
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:21.760
And I think that's beautiful.
00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:25.119
Because maybe healing isn't erasing what happened.
00:40:25.280 --> 00:40:28.239
Maybe it's just changing what happens next.
00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:30.079
At least it's working for me.
00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:33.440
And maybe it'll work for you too.
00:40:34.320 --> 00:40:42.239
Thank you for spending time with me, listening to my story, and thank you to Sahara, Ozzy, and Jaina for providing the material for this episode number 50.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:45.199
I couldn't have done it without them.
00:40:45.519 --> 00:40:53.360
I could have done with a slightly less terrifying teaching method, but apparently subtlety wasn't on the curriculum this week.
00:40:53.599 --> 00:40:59.360
Sometimes we get exactly what we need, even if it is challenging.
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:13.519
So if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or share it with someone whose inner Karen has been filing complaints in departments that she has absolutely no business visiting.
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:17.920
And until next week, keep getting curious.
00:41:18.159 --> 00:41:19.599
Keep becoming aware.
00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:22.480
And remember, you're not broken.
00:41:22.639 --> 00:41:23.760
You're patterned.
00:41:23.920 --> 00:41:26.880
And patterns, they can be changed.
00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:31.360
Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
00:41:31.519 --> 00:41:41.199
If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
00:41:41.440 --> 00:41:50.639
If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
00:41:50.800 --> 00:41:56.880
And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakentheone.org.
00:41:57.039 --> 00:42:05.679
Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.
