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00:00:11.439You're listening to Confidently Beautiful with Ciera, a podcast to help you stay confidently beautiful because we all have confidence inside us.
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00:00:14.480We just need to bring it out, and I'm here to show you how.
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00:00:18.160Body image, dreams, parenting style, personality, and more.
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00:00:19.519Here we cover it all.
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00:00:22.640Get ready to stay confidently beautiful.
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00:00:35.920If you find yourself scrolling through your phone, looking at all the Instagram images, and you find yourself feeling less than, this episode is your permission slip to stop the comparison spiral.
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00:00:46.479This topic is so important all the time, but I think especially right now, as we're going into the holidays with gifts, different family dynamics, and everyone's curated social feeds.
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00:00:56.640In this episode, we're going to cover why comparison is so hard, and my favorite part, a short reframe and a toolkit so you can be inspired and not defeated.
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00:01:00.880Social comparison is when you are evaluating yourself against another human.
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00:01:04.640So there's like a downward comparison and an upward comparison.
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00:01:08.879So an upward is comparing yourself to someone that you feel is better off.
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00:01:14.239Downward comparison could be comparing yourself to someone who you feel is worse off.
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00:01:17.840The upward comparison often can produce inspiration.
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00:01:21.920It also can produce envy and feeling bad about yourself.
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00:01:29.120So we need to be so careful about the comparison that we are doing and making sure that it is inspiring us and not tearing us down.
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00:01:34.159And not only inspiring us, but also inspiring the people that we are comparing ourselves to.
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00:01:45.519We don't want to make me make it so that we are feeling like we are better than somebody else because we are comparing because we feel like they are worse off than we are, or that downward comparison.
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00:02:00.400The research is clear, and I think we all could agree, just based on our experience, that social media causes way bigger comparison effects and it is linked to increased depression and loneliness when the use of social media is high.
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00:02:12.960Limiting social media improves your mood because I think we are just that is just what we naturally as humans do when we are looking at somebody else's life and we can only see the moments that they are sharing.
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00:02:14.159We are going to compare.
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00:02:22.879So if we're taking ourselves away from that and not doing that as often, not engaging in that social media as often, our mood is going to naturally improve.
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00:02:25.280Upward social media comparisons.
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00:02:30.479So that upward comparison again is to compare yourself who you feel like is better off than you are.
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00:02:36.639Those comparisons tend to have negative effects on well-being more often than they do positive effects.
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00:02:42.560So the highlight reels, they're not reality, they're an edited trailer made to sell attention.
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00:02:46.240That's what we need to tell ourselves when we are when we are comparing.
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00:03:00.400Because we don't want people to feel like they can't share their highlight reels, right?
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00:03:02.960Sometimes we ourselves want to share our highlight reels.
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00:03:04.400We want to show the good things.
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00:03:15.840So a reframe that you can do, I wanted to talk about seven practical moves that you can do that will help you to have this reframe so that you are not falling into the comparison trap.
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00:03:18.719Number one, filter and curate.
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00:03:23.520So go through and do an audit of what you are who you are following.
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00:03:28.159Unfollow five accounts that maybe trigger comparison for you this week.
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00:03:31.680Or if you're not ready to unfollow them, maybe just mute them.
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00:03:34.319Take them off so that they're not showing up on your feed.
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00:03:41.360Think to yourself, if it doesn't teach me, uplift me, or make me laugh, it's not in my five-minute scroll.
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00:03:43.840And keep yourself to a five-minute scroll, right?
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00:03:48.000Like that that's the ideal is to only be scrolling for five minutes.
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00:03:57.039Because, like the research says, like the more you are on social media and scrolling, the more unhappy you are going to be because you know more you are falling into that comparison trap.
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00:04:00.800So reduce your social media, which will improve your mood.
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00:04:02.000I'm guilty of it.
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00:04:02.800We all are.
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00:04:05.680Like I pick up my phone and I'm start scrolling.
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00:04:11.280I'm pick up my phone to do something totally different, and then somehow I end up in the social media app and I'm like, how did I even get here?
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00:04:12.960This is not what I picked up my phone for.
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00:04:25.199But I find myself like scrolling, and if I'm watching some sort of reel or something that is just on my feed, then I just stop and I say to myself, Do I really care about this?
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00:04:38.240And if I do care about it, then I can keep watching it and like I can keep learning because there is such valuable stuff on social media, but there's also so many things that can just put us in a negative mood and really, really damage our mental health.
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00:04:41.120So I think to myself, do I really care about this?
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00:04:43.199And if the answer is yes, I can keep watching.
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00:04:50.319If the answer is no, then I either turn off my phone, like ideally, then that's what I do, or I can scroll on to something else.
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00:04:56.160But really, like I just need to get off the phone as much as I can and not be scrolling as often as I am.
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00:05:02.000Number two is the second reframe is inspiration versus comparison.
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00:05:21.360So when you feel envy, when you're looking at the picture of the family, they're going mini golfing, their kids all look like they're having a great time, and you're like, ma'am, last time I took my kids mini golfing, they were like on the ground throwing a fit and like refusing to do it because they said it was hot and boring.
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00:05:24.240And I may or may not be speaking from experience, right?
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00:05:30.160So I can tell myself, like, what about this inspires me?
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00:05:34.399I see this family and I can be inspired.
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00:05:40.560Like, wow, they're getting out and they are doing something really, really fun that everyone is enjoying.
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00:05:44.399So, what tiny step did they take that I could try?
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00:05:47.199Like, what's something that all my kids would really enjoy?
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00:05:49.519Okay, mini golf didn't work for me last time.
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00:05:59.680So, what's something that we could do as a family that I could be inspired by this family that's doing this fun thing and try and recreate that in my own family, in my own life?
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00:06:17.439So if I'm trying to take the content of not being like, man, I wish my family could just go mini golfing and I'm not comparing my family to theirs, like, why is my family not able to stay together and to like have put happy faces on for two hours while we go and do something fun?
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00:06:19.839Like, what's wrong with like my family, Diana?
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00:06:21.279Like, what's wrong with me as a mother?
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00:06:25.439Why can't I like help my kids to learn to be enjoying these experiences?
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00:06:31.920Instead of having all of those negative thoughts, I can think, wow, this family is doing something so fun.
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00:06:37.120I feel inspired to go out with my family this afternoon and do something really exciting, something that they really love.
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00:06:44.079Like, I think we're gonna go to the park and we're gonna bring our bikes and we're gonna do a little bike ride on the trail, and then we're gonna play on the playground.
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00:06:45.759I can just be inspired.
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00:06:49.600What's one tiny step that this family is maybe doing that I could try?
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00:06:54.800If you see somebody who you're like, wow, her hair, it just looks beautiful.
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00:06:56.480I wish I could do my hair like that.
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00:07:02.160And you feel that envy and the jealousy, and like, oh, every time I try and curl my hair, it just doesn't curl like that.
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00:07:06.160Instead of comparing yourself to that person, what could you be inspired of?
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00:07:09.519Like, wow, look at how beautiful and soft her hair looks.
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00:07:11.360I wonder what type of product she uses.
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00:07:15.040Maybe I'm gonna do a little bit of research and see, oh, she tries this product.
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00:07:20.639I've actually heard of that product, and I'm gonna be inspired to maybe try that product and see if it will work for me.
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00:07:38.000So there's just like a reframe of inspiration versus comparison, not beating yourself up, not comparing yourself or wishing you had something and feeling envious of something, but and being inspired to try and be like that person, but not exactly like that person, right?
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00:07:46.240Like your family doesn't have to do the mini golf, but you want what that family is having, which is fun, joy, and connection.
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00:07:49.360So you can find something else to be inspired to go and try that.
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00:08:01.040So instead of why not me ask what can I learn or what can I be inspired by, or just think of a compliment for that person as you are looking at the things that you are like liking about what they post.
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00:08:03.600Number three is a gratitude micro habit.
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00:08:09.600So each morning you could have your three small specific things that you did that you were proud of.
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00:08:12.560This is where my confidence journals come into play, right?
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00:08:20.000Today I felt confident when we can think of something that we felt confident, something that we are proud of that we did.
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00:08:23.040And when you write it down, it is so powerful.
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00:08:25.360It is so powerful to write things down.
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00:08:37.919And so writing it down, we can have that reframe and that it's just a tiny little habit, but it's gonna have that reframe of our mind of thinking positive, gratitude, confidence, positive thoughts.
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00:08:43.279Gratitude journaling increases your well-being and positive effect in multiple randomized studies.
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00:08:50.639This is a study that is just all over the place about journaling, but specifically like gratitude journaling or positive journaling.
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00:08:53.039Number four is to set personal matrix.
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00:08:55.200So this is the scoreboard that you choose.
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00:08:56.720So what does this mean?
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00:09:01.519Define two personal non-social matrix for the season.
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00:09:08.080So, example, I will read 10 pages nightly and I will cook one family recipe.
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00:09:11.120Measure against your own values, not others.
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00:09:20.559So when you are scrolling through your phone and you see, wow, this person is surprising their kids with a trip to Disney for Christmas.
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00:09:22.799I wish that I did that for my kids.
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00:09:23.840Wow, I'm so lame.
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00:09:26.159I'm not not getting them really great presents.
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00:09:29.039Like I just am not providing as much for my kids.
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00:09:34.639We can think, wait a minute, what were my metrics for this season?
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00:09:40.159Okay, I told myself that I was gonna get my kids five gifts each for Christmas, and I did that.
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00:09:48.879So that's great that they're going to Disneyland with their kids for Christmas, but I am doing the five things for my kids that I chose to do.
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00:09:50.960So to five wrapped presents for them.
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00:10:02.240So we can just think of the things that we already defined for ourselves and be happy for the things that the other people are doing because they are valuing something different and like and that's okay.
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00:10:03.759Our values can be different.
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00:10:06.879Number five is to practice self-comparison scripts.
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00:10:11.759So use like a 20-second phrase when you notice like that feeling of shame.
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00:10:15.519Like, so an example could be like, this is hard, I'm doing my best.
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00:10:16.960Something like that.
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00:10:23.600Or it could be similar to what I said earlier about like if I'm scrolling and I'm watching something, like, do I really care about this?
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00:10:26.000Is this really going to uplift me?
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00:10:36.240Then I can just have that phrase that is just a quick one that is not going to get me sucked into the shame or the comparison or the spiraling.
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00:10:39.440And I can just have that mantra that I can repeat to myself.
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00:10:42.159Number six is an inspiration checklist.
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00:10:48.159So when inspired, we could ask three questions like, what is inspiring me about this thing that I am seeing?
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00:10:49.840Like this person posted this.
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00:10:51.600Why am I feeling inspired by this?
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00:10:57.519Number two, could I borrow or adapt one small thing from this thing that they posted?
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00:11:00.320And number three, is it aligned with my values?
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00:11:05.759If you can answer yes to all of those things, you can feel inspired and not compare yourself.
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00:11:14.159So, like an example of that would be if your neighbor posted their front door, their front porch that they decorated for Christmas, you could be inspired.
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00:11:17.279Like you could be like, wow, like that looks so beautiful.
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00:11:19.360It is so holiday and festive.
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00:11:23.759You could borrow things from that that you could use for yourself.
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00:11:34.320So you're like, maybe I'm gonna do that idea of putting this style of doormat on top of another doormat and to like see if it will give some depth and some dimension to my front porch.
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00:11:46.240So you don't have to recreate the exact thing and try and copy them completely, but you can have it your own and just be inspired by them and try not to compare like what you already have to what they did.
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00:11:58.159And number seven is to try a three-day social media mini fast, or even if it's like I just need to block my social media so that I can only be on it for 20 minutes a day.
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00:12:08.000This is going to help support your mood and it is going to help with that comparison because you're not putting all that stuff in front of your face, and so you're not going to be comparing as often.
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00:12:11.600Productive comparison is when we use that upward comparison.
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00:12:18.879So, like we're comparing ourselves to people that we think are better off than we are, and we're using it for a model for growth.
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00:12:23.440So we're using it for motivation, inspiration, not a source of shame.
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00:12:37.279Research shows that upward comparison can increase our self-improvement motivation, but we just need to be careful because it can also increase that negative effect, that shame, that guilt, the feeling of not being enough.
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00:12:44.559So we need to make sure that we are using concrete steps to help us to turn that comparison into inspiration.
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00:12:48.879Social comparison is normal and it's rooted in human psychology.
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00:12:53.919That's what the research shows is that like that's just how humans are.
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00:12:57.440Like, we are going to compare, we are going to like look at something and want it.
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00:13:00.879So the seven-day inspiration, not comparison challenge.
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00:13:08.960I have this as a free printable in the show notes if you want to download this and do this seven-day inspiration, not comparison challenge.
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00:13:15.039So day one, we're going to unfollow or mute five accounts that don't uplift us.
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00:13:20.639Day two, we're going to do a three-sentence of gratitude or positive journaling.
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00:13:24.799Day three, we're going to define two personal seasonal metrics.
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00:13:35.279So, what are the two things that we are going to want to try and accomplish this holiday season so that we don't fall into comparing ourselves to other people's holiday seasons.
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00:13:40.000Number four, we're going to try a 24-hour social media pause.
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00:13:43.360So day four, we're not going to get on social media for 24 hours.
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00:13:48.240Day five, we're going to practice the inspiration checklist at least once.
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00:13:54.080Number six, we're going to say the self-comparison script aloud when you catch yourself comparing.
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00:14:01.360And day seven, I want you to share one small win, whether it's a through a DM or you put something on your story and you tag me.
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00:14:06.080I want to see your small win for your inspiration, not comparison journey.
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00:14:22.960If this episode helped you to shift one thought screenshot and tag me at confidently beautiful podcast and use the hashtag inspired, not defeated, and I will repost these as you guys tag me and use that hashtag because I want to hear more from you.
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00:14:24.559Comparison is quicksand.
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00:14:27.360The more you struggle, the deeper you sink.
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00:14:30.879So let me give you the shovel so that you can get yourselves out.
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00:14:44.799Join me in this seven-day inspiration, not comparison challenge as we try and reframe our minds and how we are seeing social media and seeing the people in our lives and reframe it to be inspired rather than comparing.
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00:14:47.039You don't need to copy someone else's life.
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00:14:49.840Just borrow one move and call it your own remix.
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00:14:50.960Thank you for joining.
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00:14:54.879Next episode is going to be all about beauty basics that every mom should know.
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00:15:00.720We're going to talk about the truth behind skincare and how we can feel confident with our skin and in our skincare.
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00:15:03.360Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you next week.
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00:15:04.639Thanks for listening.
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00:15:14.240Connect with me on Instagram at confidently beautiful podcast and share this episode with someone in your life who could use a little reminder of just how amazing they already are.
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00:15:16.399Stay confidently beautiful.
