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we will never get that 15 minutes back. I feel like it was a really good dry run. Oh my gosh. Of this episode. Wow. Just deleted. No, we were never recording. We were having a great conversation and we thought we were recording. Okay. We were killing it. It was some really good content that was actually not recorded, but we did speak into microphones the whole time. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, hi. Hey. It's been a while since before Christmas. First episode of 2023. Is it really? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. No, we've, we've been on some journeys since. That's right. Here I am, rollers in my hair. Done by you, You kind of remind me of Dolly Parton. Oh my God. Like in her dressing room, right? Yeah. You have these big fat rollers, Oh, you're gonna have the best blowout by the time, uh, This episode's done. I can't wait. Yeah, you made me lunch. You did my hair. Yeah. I have a broken arm and I, I need help and you helped me. I love helping people. Um. It was like a, it was a joy to help you. I wanted to So dry your hair, all your help. Mm. You offered me lunch via text. Yeah. And like I wanted to be like, no, no, no, no, no. That's fine. Mm-hmm. But instead I said like, that would be amazing. Yeah. Thank you. And that made me feel good. Oh wow. Yeah. Um, because yeah, I was about to make myself a burrito bowl. We have lots of burrito bowl supplies. So many good ingredients. So I just asked you and it was what you needed. Yeah. And then I asked you if you could do my hair. Yeah. Because I can't do my hair at all right now. Okay. Breaking your arm sucks. Oh, it sucks so much. I broke my humorous, which is like the second biggest bone in one's body, and it's been very painful. It's known to be a fairly painful break apparently. I've learned through a few Google searches. Yeah. And um, it's really been a hard few weeks like. The first two weeks of breaking it were just awful. Like the physical pain, the physical limitations, and it really affected my mental health. Yeah. But I feel like I've really rounded a corner this week. Mm-hmm. But it took some time to get there. Well, it's everything. It's driving, it's sleeping, it's showering. It's parenting. Parenting. Lifting up your child, tucking them into bed. Yeah. It's laundry. It's. Yeah, it's everything. We had, uh, me and my, my daughter, uh, she was in the bath the other day and. She there, we had these little pompoms in there. They're like, hold up water. So usually we have to like give 'em a good squish when we drain them, drain the bath. And I was trying to get, I wanted to get her out and I only have one arm and it like kind of hurts. So I was just trying to like, prepare everything to get her outta the bath. And she kept picking them up one by one. There was like, 30 little pompoms and chucking them out sopping wet. And they were like soaking the floor and soaking the wall. And I couldn't, like, normally I just like, I just need to get her out. I need to physically remove her from the bath if she won't stop being a little asshole. Yeah. Um, but I couldn't do anything about it. I, I was kind of had something else going on and I was like trying to get there and then I was like, if you don't stop, I'm gonna put you in a timeout and like, I don't even believe in time Oats we don't like Sometimes I'll remove her from a situation, support her to regulate with me. Yeah. But I don't put her in time Oats, and I started threatening time oats and reading. Does she even know what that means? I don't know. They, they do them at daycare, I think. Oh, okay. Yeah. Which I'm not into, but that's okay. I'm not gonna be so controlling that I. say something about that. But anyway, it was just hilarious and ridiculous and like, this is my life. Like, I can't, I'm just not as good at anything anymore. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. how would you say breaking your arm has shown up? Like in a, in a personal sense with like asking for help? Yeah. Oh man. I mean, this is something I've been working on for so long. Within my partnership with my husband, for those who have listened to all the previous episodes, like I've been demanding. Mm-hmm. And we've been struggling to find that equilibrium of shared domestic labor, what's it called? The emotional mental load. The mental load, yeah, exactly. Um, which is like the anticipation that a task needs to be done. The gathering of the materials to do a task, the execution of the task. Like it's not just folding laundry. Right. It's. Okay. I, we, we have guests coming over on Saturday. There's only one clean towel left. I better do a load of laundry, but, oh, there's stuff in the dryer, so I better fold that first and I wanna get the towels done, but then I also need to make sure there's daycare clothes that are clean as well. And, oh shoot, I think we're low in laundry detergent. Um, that's a great. Way to explain all of that. That's a mental load. That's a mental load. It's that for every corner of home life. That's right. Yeah. So we've been working to sort of find a balance and it sort of ends up like there's just so much of the mental load that's unseen, maybe all of it, I suppose. Mm-hmm. it's all in your head. And. I think my partner really wanted to share the load, but di didn't see how much I was doing. And between having a baby and then struggling deeply with my mental health, um, and then coming back out the other side and now breaking my arm, I feel like things have shifted. Mm-hmm. things have genuinely shifted. So to answer your question, like, just as with an example, um, my husband this morning was like, oh, like we gotta pick stuff up. I wanna put on the, the Roomba today. The floors need to be vacuumed. And like, he's already done that, like at least once, maybe twice this week, like three times he's vacuumed the floors in the house. And that used to be me saying that, He would say or think like, didn't you just do that? Like, I don't think we need to vacuum the floors again. But he's carrying the mental load. He's the one that's on it, paying attention, knowing it needs to be done again. And it's like so crazy. Mm-hmm. it's amazing. A shift. So, and you are sitting there being like, the floors don't look that dirty. Yeah. I'm like, again. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's mind blowing. Hmm. But it's. I wish I didn't have to go through the journey that I went through to get there. Mm-hmm. and like I said, Michael, my husband was willing Right. But I didn't, we didn't know how to make the unseen scene Right. And to make it. Equal until I really couldn't do anything, until there's a physical boundary of like, my arm is broken. Yeah. I cannot lift a damn thing. Exactly. And I wonder if for you that was the easiest path. Mm-hmm. like you needed a physical stop sign to be like, Kara, stop it. Yeah. Let the floors get fucking dirty. Like fig, like let's let things. a little chaotic. Mm-hmm. and make it so you are unable to pick up the pieces and let's see what happens. Right. Um, yeah, I mean, and there was even a couple of times cause I struggled a lot. Like I had a couple of like acute depressive episodes, which is not familiar for me. I know you're very familiar with the just. sadness or numbness or just like despair? Yeah. But there was a couple of days where like the, the physical pain was really bad and I couldn't do anything and I couldn't sleep, and I just felt so low and I was like weeping one day and I was just like, I need you to help me. Like I need you to like, Figure out what needs to be done around here. I don't wanna be telling you that. So it was a combination of things. Mm-hmm. But it's, yeah, it's amazing. And that sounds really hard, It was so hot. Oh, that sounds really, yeah. That sounds really hard. Mm-hmm. But it's all been worth it. Like it's got me to the place that I am today and I hope that it. Sticks. Yeah. And change is more permanent, but it's like such a new agey thing to say like, well, everything happens for a reason. Right. But in this situation, I can really look back at the last four years of struggle. Yeah. And say like, that was all meant, that all got me to a way better place. Mm-hmm. I've grown so much as a person. Mm-hmm. um, I've gained new skills. I've come out the other side changed. Right. And it feels like it happened for a reason, like a rebirth of sorts. Mm-hmm. I know. And like I get sort of, I dance around that type of conversation to be like, I don't wanna douse this with toxic positivity. Right. To be like, it was all meant to happen. Or like the universe knew what I needed and it found me and like this was my journey, you know? Um, but yeah. How does growth happen? And there's, there's pain and grit a lot of the time, and yeah. You've lived it and Yeah, I have too. Um, I think having a child really broke me Mm-hmm. Um, but looking back now, I'm glad that I, I was broken because I think I'm, I've built into something new and I really appreciate the new person I've transformed into. Yeah, so capable. I mean, you're like handling some heavy stuff at your work and you're just like, yeah, well, I'm just doing what I can do every day. Yeah. I don't know how you're coping the way you are. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's, um, yeah, I'm in an interesting season in work and trying not to douse it with toxic positivity and like, yeah, just acknowledging there's some absurdity and, um, really painful and hard situations happening. I'm, I work in, in media and journalism and this industry is rapidly transforming and changing. and from paper to digital Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is just like a huge transition. Yeah. Everything looks different. Roles look different. Staffing looks different. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm finding myself leading in an organization and it's, there's no path of how to do this. Mm-hmm. and. There's this sort of mandate I have to honor the history in the past, but also forge into the future. And, um, there's not time to really do both to the best of Mm-hmm. um, my ability and I don't know, but weirdly I'm finding some zen and some peace in it, um, that there's a lot of chaos and a lot of change, but, I don't know. I just, I'm getting clear on, on my purpose and I've actually been working with a leadership coach and um, Over 10 weeks, we've been really honing in on different areas and trying to define our personal purpose whoa. And our personal self image. And, um, and getting really comfortable with it because we do have a lot of thoughts that repeat in our minds every single day, um, that are often unconscious and that often just, um, create predictable outcomes If, yeah, if you believe, like, I don't know, I'm only good at one thing, and if this job is taken from me, I won't have anything left, and you can just kind of spiral into different areas, but, Um, I know I've landed on a purpose. Do you wanna hear my life's purpose? Uh, yes, please. Okay. So the, i, these words have been floating around in my head for a while and they are amplify and elevate and this idea of amplifying. Others vo other voices, right? Yes. We've talked about this in some way and elevating a message, and so I've, I've was sitting with it and I've been playing around with it, and then I think part of my broken process through going through motherhood, um, has given me so much more compassion for myself. And once I can give myself compassion, I therefore can extend it to others. And it's really opened my eyes to patriarchy and the isms, the racism, the sexism, the colonialism, all of these things that are part of the structures that we operate within. And, um, I've realized my purpose is I want to amplify marginalized voices. And elevate transformative ideas to better my community and spark societal change. Whoa. It's big. It's big. It's big. I love it. Yeah. And it feels like, I can see how your path has led you here. Hmm. To like, you're already on that path. Right. I can live that purpose right now in the role that I'm in. Mm-hmm. and I can also live it. In many different manifestations, in many different shapes. Was that part of the goal when you were creating your life's purpose that like something that's attainable in here now that also can be built upon? I think it can be either. Mm-hmm. Yep. I think it could be aspirational of like, I'm not living this yet, but I want to. Um, but yeah, this really rings true and I, I like the idea of being able to access my purpose right now, but also envision and Ima imagine what that could look like elsewhere. Mm-hmm. how do we amplify marginalized voices? Who are these marginalized voices? They're on the peripheral, they're not, um, often, um, given mainstream spaces, and I find myself working in mainstream media. Who are the people reporting stories in news Who are, um, the interview subjects and sources that we have in stories? Traditionally, as I'm unpacking a hundred years of newspaper history in my community, it's like white men. White men have been front and center of the, the lens of our stories and the focus of our stories. Mm-hmm. Um, so it's interesting. Yeah. Um, amplifying marginalized voices is very important to me. I think we've amplified our own marginalized voices as, um, moms who are professionals who were experiencing mental health issues. mm-hmm. all while having a cycle every 28 days and riding that wave and trying to figure mm-hmm. out how to navigate this very man's world like a man's. Within that with your Dolly Parton? Uh, oh yeah. Queen hair rollers right now, Okay. But when you were saying that, I was just like, you sound very much like a, a social worker. Oh, interesting. Okay. Like I, I have seen a lot of my career in that, through that lens. Mm-hmm. of like, my role is to. Not only amplify someone's voice, but actually support them to realize that they have a voice and that they have rights and that they do need to speak up. And if they can't do it, I'll do it for them or I'll help them find the way there. It's like anti-oppressive work. Mm-hmm. it just can take so many different forms and mine's like frontline one-on-one working with people or maybe I. as my career progresses, you know, you work more in policy, but then also it can extend to media. Mm-hmm. or philanthropy, like Yeah. You know, whatever your life's purpose is, for example, what you shared. You know, you can come at it from so many different angles. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. That reminds me, there's a poem I wanna read you. Okay. We've never did poetry on this song podcast before, um, but I, I recently picked. um, Adrian Van's new book, the Journey of Self-Care To We Care, the Art and Science of the Human Experience. I've wanted to read this. Mm-hmm. now I get a little teaser. And Adrian is a physiotherapist, um, who also integrates yoga into her practice. So, um, I've I've, you told me about Adrian. Yeah. She's the best. Yeah. Yeah. but she's compiled this beautiful book and, um, starts each chapter with personal poetry that she's written. She's really integrating art and science. Um, and I read this the other night and I knew I wanted to read it to you, so it's called that someone. When you find someone who is so lovingly interested in hearing you speak, it awakens a deeper part of you that has so much to share. Creating a compressed evolution into the person you're meant to grow, to be, to have that someone in this life's journey is the biggest blessing one could hope to receive. The length of time shared may not seem long enough, but the imprint on one's heart will be long lasting. Four, to have known that one belongs wholly as they are, will create a depth of heart knowing in the darker days that will inevitably come. We can draw from the well of our hearts. Remembering I have belonged once and I will again because of that. Someone who came and. Oh, I love it. It have goosebumps. Yeah. That's written by Adrian. Yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. You know what, the part that stands out the most to me is the piece about, um, having so much to share. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. but first needs to be someone that's willing to listen. Yes. And I, I love the. reminder that we all are interesting and creative and have this light to share. But so often, especially when we look at like capitalism and individualistic kind of approaches, where there's like one person's the best and everything, everyone else is just less than, it's like it levels the playing field. We all have something beautiful to share. We just need our people. Mm-hmm. we need our community. We need someone who wants to listen. Yeah. And I feel like this relationship that we've built through this podcast and creating safety and just yeah. This community to openly share, I find I just have more things to share. Yes. Beyond the podcast, like Yeah. It integrates into my life. Yeah. It's changed the way I speak and listen. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Um, where are you in your cycle right now? Great question. Uh, ludial. Ludial. So I've ovulated and I'm waiting for menstruation. Hmm. And I'm just sort of, this can be a long phase for you. Hey, this can be so long. Yeah. And. But I'm feeling right now, like pretty, um, able to organize and put my head down and do some concentrated work. Yeah. Which feels really good. Yeah. Like I feel mental clarity as well. Mm-hmm. before that, like cloudy fuzziness of menstruation comes along, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. How about you? I, I just finished menstruating. Hmm. Yeah. And like I had a, I had some, yeah, a busy and challenging week, but I made a point to prioritize comfort and, um, Was just like, okay, like I don't, I don't wanna be working right now, um, I'd like to just be resting, but how can I be as easy on myself as possible? And that included, like, I was packing a lunch because I was leaving the house, but. I'm like, yeah, wearing comfortable clothes. I packed myself cookies and tea and like, I had little treats to look forward to and like stretchy clothes, and I still like got ready. I didn't just leave the house in a sweatshirt, but I, I got ready, but in the most comfortable, presentable clothes I could put on and mm-hmm. um. Yeah. I didn't expect anything of myself in terms of cooking or cleaning or, you know, keeping up with things. I just allowed myself to prioritize comfort. Right. Which is like the alternative from the two extremes of pretend it's not happening and go out into this man's world. Yeah. And then on the. Other side of it. It's like, you know, catch your menstrual blood in a cup and then like return it back to mother nature, right. And rest for three to seven days and like have a specific like ritual and which is like cool, but like that's not that accessible. Mm-hmm. because we're still finding the balance, but this prioritizing comfort and letting a lot of things slide seems like a balance for you that worked. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah, it did. Um, and yeah, I, this month I ne I didn't have, um, like any low days leading up to menstruation. Whoa. So that was interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was that? Yeah. All of a sudden I was just bleeding and Yeah. Hmm. Just carried on. And I'm happy to hear that you've had some dark days Yeah. With the pm d d that you struggle with. Yeah. That was fully prepared. I had talked to my doctor about doubling up on a antidepressant on those days. That's supposed to be helpful with pm d d. Um, and I have, I did do that, um, last cycle. but didn't need to this cycle. So interesting. So you'll adjust what you're taking throughout the month? I can, yeah. Okay. Yep. Like if I'm, I almost interpret it as like if you were to take an anxiety medication, if you knew you were going to feel anxious or heading into an anxious situation, it's like, just take an extra, um, SSRI take, but not just for one day or if you want, but for one day. Yeah. Oh. I thought it had more of a cumulative effect, but we definitely know with you. Mm-hmm. in your experience, like one pill is like can make a big difference. Yeah. Party time. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's, you've been through a lot. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. So let's talk about trauma. Ooh. Well, this is an area of expertise for you. It is an area of passion for sure. Not only are you a therapist, you have delved into the world of somatic experiencing, and you've done a lot of study and coursework and personal practice into, um, trauma and how it, it impacts our nervous system. And that's sort of the reframe in the, the. um, lens that we like to use on this show. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, that's why we call it, that's somatic. Yeah. That's so madic. Ah-huh Um, because it's like somatic experiencing is about paying attention to the soma, the body so that we can create more of a connection between the body and the mind, which affects our autonomic nervous system, which is you. traditionally known as like the fight, flight, or freeze system, but it is the system that has the ability to control every other system in your body, like your cardiovascular system. So how your blood is pumping around your body and how much your heart is pumping, your endocrine system, what kind of hormones you have going through your body, the stress chemicals that are in your body, your breath, like it, the respiratory system, it's. it controls everything. Mm-hmm. and it's meant to function in acute situations where we're threatened throughout our days, which should be fleeting and brief, and then we should be chilling and eating grass and picturing ourselves as like in our nervous. It has mammals, happy cows. Happy cows until like, ah, there's a coyote, and then like mm-hmm let's run and get safe. And then we're good. But that's not the way it works. It's like we're constantly running away or panicking about a coyote or just completely shut down. Cause we're like, maybe if we don't move, we won't get eaten. Mm-hmm. because of the micro stresses all day, every day. In our modern life. Yeah. Like something as simple as having to pretend you're not menstruating and charge out into the world and be clearheaded and energized. Meanwhile, you're bloated and like you need to go change your pad and like you can't think straight. Mm-hmm. that causes stress. Mm-hmm. in the body, So anyway, um, there's so many different definitions that I like to use with trauma, but one thing that's helpful for people to understand sometimes is when I say, um, trauma isn't necessarily about what happened to you, it's about what didn't happen afterwards. Okay. Which can help explain like, sometimes there'll be two people in a car accident. Physical injuries aside, one person's like, fine, and one person's like traumatized by the car accidents, like, how did the same incident happen to two people? And it affected one's nervous system much more deeply and than the other person's. Mm-hmm. And so it's about, Depending what kind of trauma is built up in that person's system, depending on natural predispositions that those people were born with. But also it's about the kind of support they received afterwards. Mm-hmm. that supported their nervous system, their body, to move through and process that trauma. And so the reason I've been thinking about this lately is, you know, I'm terrified of traumatizing my own child. Mm-hmm. And for that reason, Though I think I'm fairly flexible, like firm, but flexible. Um, I probably lean towards like being too soft at times. Yeah. And I just want to support her to regulate her nervous system when something big happens. And I never wanna push her too far and I don't wanna overwhelm her. But sometimes like life happens and. I've tried taking, she's three. Mm-hmm. I've tried taking her to the dentist twice, or I have mm-hmm. the first time she was two and they were kind of like, okay, well just let this slide. It's just, you know, she'll meet us and see the tools and next time she comes back, we'll like, need to do more of an assessment. And I took her this most recent time and. She was like having none of it. She didn't wanna touch any of the, like, they were being really supportive. They're like, Hey, look, you can like push, like, put water into this cup and then you can suck it up with this little vacuum. And she was like, Nope, I don't want it. And like, like burring her head in my shoulder and wouldn't look at the, uh, dental hygienist, wouldn't open her mouth, wouldn't show them how to brush her. Teeths just completely disinterested. And then the dentist came in. you know, she was really nice and supportive and tried a couple of times and Juliet was just like, Nope. And then the dentist was like, sometimes it's necessary to let her cry. So because then I can really see inside of her mouth and then kind of all of a sudden all at once, she was like, this is the best hold. That's the safest for her. And like all of a sudden, Literally pinning my child down with her screaming. Mm-hmm. at like terror, so the dentist could look inside of her mouth, which was awful. Like I felt off for like six hours Wow. Yeah. But then I was reminded after like, you know, I did so many things and my husband did so many things to support her and help her regulate, and we were able to talk about it a little bit later that I. That was a really shitty event, but I'm not sure she's gonna be traumatized by it because of all the support she received after. Ah, interesting. Yeah. Beautiful. Mm-hmm. So like, I don't have to be so terrified that like, she can never have like a, a really like panicky experience. Mm-hmm. or like, I'm afraid she's gonna like, go into like high tone dorsal vel and shut down, you know? It's like it's. Her nervous system, you know, I've done so much to support her nervous system to, to develop and to be healthy and to function optimally that like, yeah, some really acute thing happened and it super sucked, but like in nature, like it was possible that we would get attacked by the coyote and like as long as we can get away, be safe, and then have time to integrate. Yeah. It's, it's what our nervous system is built for. Yeah. Okay. I think I intuitively did this as. This week with my daughter, my three-year-old. Yes. Tell me, oh my God. She's three now. I know they're both three. Um, and this is why our maternity leaves lapped over each other. This, this is where the friendship began to blossom. Yeah. Yep. Um, two tired, sad moms. yeah, it's not often that I have to leave the house like ready for the day with a packed lunch to be somewhere for a meeting this week. I had to do that normally at my mornings, like they start off pretty slow and I, I do some work while my daughter watches Paw Patrol and eats her breakfast and like, we get out the door around nine 30 and it's just a nice pace that I really enjoy. Um, but that wasn't the case this week. I think maybe my energy shifted or I'm just like, Hey, we have to go. Like there's, plus your dog wasn't well. Oh yeah, my dog wasn't. Well that's a whole other story, And he was extra sensitive and crying. And the three-year-old and the dog, they feed off each other and it creates this really stressful like loop of chaos. Um, So we had to leave, we had to go out the door. And I'm getting frustrated cause I'm like, Hey, I have to walk you to daycare and then walk back and call a cab to get to my meeting and then get to my meeting. And I'm like, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm like, get your ski pants on, get your snow pants on. And like, I've never been this mom in the morning. Mm-hmm. But I know I have potential to be this mom. Um, because it's stressful. Um, and then like, that just made it so much worse. And then my daughter just collapses and she's like, no, I wanna watch paw petrol. My tummy doesn't feel good. I don't wanna go And then my dog's crying and I'm just like, we have to go. Like, I have melted. I've set timers. We'd colored, we'd like, we tried, tried to do all of the things right. I got ready, I packed a lunch, like I'm so close to getting over the finish line and I cannot make you get your, like your snow gear on. And this is like, I'm just, I realize I'm fucked. I'm just like, there's nothing I can do right now. And I'm so overstimulated. And I just screamed. I'm like, ah. Like I just held my head and I screamed. I'm like, fuck, Um, and that stops the crying and then she's scared and I'm like, that was an overreaction. Um, and then she continues crying and she's like, mom, that was an outside voice. Did you teach her that? That's an outside voice. I think that must be a daycare thing. Um, and then I just like have this moment of acceptance, so I'm like, okay. I am not going to make this meeting. Like, cool, okay. And then I realized, well then of course then my daughter like has to go pee. And then she's still like sobbing. And then she like pees in her pants and then she needs new pants. But then she had to go poop. And then we still haven't gotten the ski pants on. And I'm like, oh good lord. Oh no. This sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. And. I just realized, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to choose to be a mom right now and for that to be the most important job. Mm-hmm. And I don't want to send her, drop her off with a p bunch of people that aren't her family at daycare, like in a dysregulated state essentially. I don't wanna be like, Hey, suck it up. Get in the door, I gotta go. I just knew like, that's not fair to her. That's not fair to her. Um, it sucks that. This is how it's unfolding. But I do, I wanted to prioritize that she felt safe and loved and had time to like that. We both had time to regulate and cuddle and, um, just talk about what happened to be like, wow, I got really frustrated. She's like, that was an outside voice mom. And I'm like, I'm like, you know what I. Um, we need to make sure we keep Paw Patrol at the table. Like we let her watch it at the table. But this whole thing started cuz I let her take it with her and you know, like we just, we had a conversation about it and then like, I was an hour late for work. I get to daycare and I just decide like I need to own that we've had a bad morning just in case she's off or, or whatever. So I was able to tell the, the caregivers at daycare, like we had a really hard morning getting here today and we both cried and Uh, we're good now, but it's so real. It was real and it was well received. Yeah. The daycare workers, like, we've been there like we know. Yeah. Um, that's inspiring that you were able to like, Work through it. You had to make some hard choices. Yeah. And this is, this is motherhood, this is parenting, right? Mm-hmm. and I don't feel like I was afforded that as a child. Mm-hmm. I think there was a lot of like, suck it up. quit. You're crying or go figure it out, or mm-hmm. um, or like having a lot of tension or anger in the car and then like, oh, we're at church and now we're happy, or, right. Yeah. Which is like the, the part of the integration is like being able to talk about what happened and have space to regulate and to, to have that support and that physical touch. Um, and so like, it's. Like Hazel's gonna be fine, that you screamed and looked like a crazy person. Right? Yeah. Because you were able to like provide integration for her integration and let her nervous system regulate mm-hmm. afterwards. Mm-hmm. instead of saying like, fine, no ski pants, and just like throw her in the car and like, end of story. Yeah. In the same breath. if that was the story every single day, like there would be things you'd need to try because it's not reasonable. You can't be late an hour late for work every day. Yeah. But in this was a one-off situation. Everybody was heightened. Yeah. And everything went sideways and like, you know what? Fuck it. Yeah. Fuck that meeting. Fuck that meeting I know. And I think I was able to integrate my own frustration too. Like this wasn't just for her. I think it was for me to be like, you know what? I got up too late today. Like, you know, if I know I need to leave the house. We should have all started this process a bit earlier. You're taking some ownership instead of just being like, you are the problem. Right. To your daughter, right? Mm-hmm. and we were able to talk about it again, like when she got home that day of like, whoof, we had a hard time this morning, didn't we? And yeah, I just don't remember any follow up to stressors. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Um, so trauma isn't about what happened to you, it's about what didn't happen to you. Mm-hmm. we're built for high stress, literal life or death situations. Hmm. But are we able to lean into the natural wisdom of our body to pay attention enough to allow the integration so that we can just be happy Cows again, Thank you for sharing that. thanks for, being interested to listen. Ooh, Adrian Van go. Oh yeah. Amazing. Okay, I have to go get an x-ray of my arm. Bye, friend.
we will never get that 15 minutes back. I feel like it was a really good dry run. Oh my gosh. Of this episode. Wow. Just deleted. No, we were never recording. We were having a great conversation and we thought we were recording. Okay. We were killing it. It was some really good content that was actually not recorded, but we did speak into microphones the whole time. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, hi. Hey. It's been a while since before Christmas. First episode of 2023. Is it really? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. No, we've, we've been on some journeys since. That's right. Here I am, rollers in my hair. Done by you, You kind of remind me of Dolly Parton. Oh my God. Like in her dressing room, right? Yeah. You have these big fat rollers, Oh, you're gonna have the best blowout by the time, uh, This episode's done. I can't wait. Yeah, you made me lunch. You did my hair. Yeah. I have a broken arm and I, I need help and you helped me. I love helping people. Um. It was like a, it was a joy to help you. I wanted to So dry your hair, all your help. Mm. You offered me lunch via text. Yeah. And like I wanted to be like, no, no, no, no, no. That's fine. Mm-hmm. But instead I said like, that would be amazing. Yeah. Thank you. And that made me feel good. Oh wow. Yeah. Um, because yeah, I was about to make myself a burrito bowl. We have lots of burrito bowl supplies. So many good ingredients. So I just asked you and it was what you needed. Yeah. And then I asked you if you could do my hair. Yeah. Because I can't do my hair at all right now. Okay. Breaking your arm sucks. Oh, it sucks so much. I broke my humorous, which is like the second biggest bone in one's body, and it's been very painful. It's known to be a fairly painful break apparently. I've learned through a few Google searches. Yeah. And um, it's really been a hard few weeks like. The first two weeks of breaking it were just awful. Like the physical pain, the physical limitations, and it really affected my mental health. Yeah. But I feel like I've really rounded a corner this week. Mm-hmm. But it took some time to get there. Well, it's everything. It's driving, it's sleeping, it's showering. It's parenting. Parenting. Lifting up your child, tucking them into bed. Yeah. It's laundry. It's. Yeah, it's everything. We had, uh, me and my, my daughter, uh, she was in the bath the other day and. She there, we had these little pompoms in there. They're like, hold up water. So usually we have to like give 'em a good squish when we drain them, drain the bath. And I was trying to get, I wanted to get her out and I only have one arm and it like kind of hurts. So I was just trying to like, prepare everything to get her outta the bath. And she kept picking them up one by one. There was like, 30 little pompoms and chucking them out sopping wet. And they were like soaking the floor and soaking the wall. And I couldn't, like, normally I just like, I just need to get her out. I need to physically remove her from the bath if she won't stop being a little asshole. Yeah. Um, but I couldn't do anything about it. I, I was kind of had something else going on and I was like trying to get there and then I was like, if you don't stop, I'm gonna put you in a timeout and like, I don't even believe in time Oats we don't like Sometimes I'll remove her from a situation, support her to regulate with me. Yeah. But I don't put her in time Oats, and I started threatening time oats and reading. Does she even know what that means? I don't know. They, they do them at daycare, I think. Oh, okay. Yeah. Which I'm not into, but that's okay. I'm not gonna be so controlling that I. say something about that. But anyway, it was just hilarious and ridiculous and like, this is my life. Like, I can't, I'm just not as good at anything anymore. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. how would you say breaking your arm has shown up? Like in a, in a personal sense with like asking for help? Yeah. Oh man. I mean, this is something I've been working on for so long. Within my partnership with my husband, for those who have listened to all the previous episodes, like I've been demanding. Mm-hmm. And we've been struggling to find that equilibrium of shared domestic labor, what's it called? The emotional mental load. The mental load, yeah, exactly. Um, which is like the anticipation that a task needs to be done. The gathering of the materials to do a task, the execution of the task. Like it's not just folding laundry. Right. It's. Okay. I, we, we have guests coming over on Saturday. There's only one clean towel left. I better do a load of laundry, but, oh, there's stuff in the dryer, so I better fold that first and I wanna get the towels done, but then I also need to make sure there's daycare clothes that are clean as well. And, oh shoot, I think we're low in laundry detergent. Um, that's a great. Way to explain all of that. That's a mental load. That's a mental load. It's that for every corner of home life. That's right. Yeah. So we've been working to sort of find a balance and it sort of ends up like there's just so much of the mental load that's unseen, maybe all of it, I suppose. Mm-hmm. it's all in your head. And. I think my partner really wanted to share the load, but di didn't see how much I was doing. And between having a baby and then struggling deeply with my mental health, um, and then coming back out the other side and now breaking my arm, I feel like things have shifted. Mm-hmm. things have genuinely shifted. So to answer your question, like, just as with an example, um, my husband this morning was like, oh, like we gotta pick stuff up. I wanna put on the, the Roomba today. The floors need to be vacuumed. And like, he's already done that, like at least once, maybe twice this week, like three times he's vacuumed the floors in the house. And that used to be me saying that, He would say or think like, didn't you just do that? Like, I don't think we need to vacuum the floors again. But he's carrying the mental load. He's the one that's on it, paying attention, knowing it needs to be done again. And it's like so crazy. Mm-hmm. it's amazing. A shift. So, and you are sitting there being like, the floors don't look that dirty. Yeah. I'm like, again. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's mind blowing. Hmm. But it's. I wish I didn't have to go through the journey that I went through to get there. Mm-hmm. and like I said, Michael, my husband was willing Right. But I didn't, we didn't know how to make the unseen scene Right. And to make it. Equal until I really couldn't do anything, until there's a physical boundary of like, my arm is broken. Yeah. I cannot lift a damn thing. Exactly. And I wonder if for you that was the easiest path. Mm-hmm. like you needed a physical stop sign to be like, Kara, stop it. Yeah. Let the floors get fucking dirty. Like fig, like let's let things. a little chaotic. Mm-hmm. and make it so you are unable to pick up the pieces and let's see what happens. Right. Um, yeah, I mean, and there was even a couple of times cause I struggled a lot. Like I had a couple of like acute depressive episodes, which is not familiar for me. I know you're very familiar with the just. sadness or numbness or just like despair? Yeah. But there was a couple of days where like the, the physical pain was really bad and I couldn't do anything and I couldn't sleep, and I just felt so low and I was like weeping one day and I was just like, I need you to help me. Like I need you to like, Figure out what needs to be done around here. I don't wanna be telling you that. So it was a combination of things. Mm-hmm. But it's, yeah, it's amazing. And that sounds really hard, It was so hot. Oh, that sounds really, yeah. That sounds really hard. Mm-hmm. But it's all been worth it. Like it's got me to the place that I am today and I hope that it. Sticks. Yeah. And change is more permanent, but it's like such a new agey thing to say like, well, everything happens for a reason. Right. But in this situation, I can really look back at the last four years of struggle. Yeah. And say like, that was all meant, that all got me to a way better place. Mm-hmm. I've grown so much as a person. Mm-hmm. um, I've gained new skills. I've come out the other side changed. Right. And it feels like it happened for a reason, like a rebirth of sorts. Mm-hmm. I know. And like I get sort of, I dance around that type of conversation to be like, I don't wanna douse this with toxic positivity. Right. To be like, it was all meant to happen. Or like the universe knew what I needed and it found me and like this was my journey, you know? Um, but yeah. How does growth happen? And there's, there's pain and grit a lot of the time, and yeah. You've lived it and Yeah, I have too. Um, I think having a child really broke me Mm-hmm. Um, but looking back now, I'm glad that I, I was broken because I think I'm, I've built into something new and I really appreciate the new person I've transformed into. Yeah, so capable. I mean, you're like handling some heavy stuff at your work and you're just like, yeah, well, I'm just doing what I can do every day. Yeah. I don't know how you're coping the way you are. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's, um, yeah, I'm in an interesting season in work and trying not to douse it with toxic positivity and like, yeah, just acknowledging there's some absurdity and, um, really painful and hard situations happening. I'm, I work in, in media and journalism and this industry is rapidly transforming and changing. and from paper to digital Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is just like a huge transition. Yeah. Everything looks different. Roles look different. Staffing looks different. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm finding myself leading in an organization and it's, there's no path of how to do this. Mm-hmm. and. There's this sort of mandate I have to honor the history in the past, but also forge into the future. And, um, there's not time to really do both to the best of Mm-hmm. um, my ability and I don't know, but weirdly I'm finding some zen and some peace in it, um, that there's a lot of chaos and a lot of change, but, I don't know. I just, I'm getting clear on, on my purpose and I've actually been working with a leadership coach and um, Over 10 weeks, we've been really honing in on different areas and trying to define our personal purpose whoa. And our personal self image. And, um, and getting really comfortable with it because we do have a lot of thoughts that repeat in our minds every single day, um, that are often unconscious and that often just, um, create predictable outcomes If, yeah, if you believe, like, I don't know, I'm only good at one thing, and if this job is taken from me, I won't have anything left, and you can just kind of spiral into different areas, but, Um, I know I've landed on a purpose. Do you wanna hear my life's purpose? Uh, yes, please. Okay. So the, i, these words have been floating around in my head for a while and they are amplify and elevate and this idea of amplifying. Others vo other voices, right? Yes. We've talked about this in some way and elevating a message, and so I've, I've was sitting with it and I've been playing around with it, and then I think part of my broken process through going through motherhood, um, has given me so much more compassion for myself. And once I can give myself compassion, I therefore can extend it to others. And it's really opened my eyes to patriarchy and the isms, the racism, the sexism, the colonialism, all of these things that are part of the structures that we operate within. And, um, I've realized my purpose is I want to amplify marginalized voices. And elevate transformative ideas to better my community and spark societal change. Whoa. It's big. It's big. It's big. I love it. Yeah. And it feels like, I can see how your path has led you here. Hmm. To like, you're already on that path. Right. I can live that purpose right now in the role that I'm in. Mm-hmm. and I can also live it. In many different manifestations, in many different shapes. Was that part of the goal when you were creating your life's purpose that like something that's attainable in here now that also can be built upon? I think it can be either. Mm-hmm. Yep. I think it could be aspirational of like, I'm not living this yet, but I want to. Um, but yeah, this really rings true and I, I like the idea of being able to access my purpose right now, but also envision and Ima imagine what that could look like elsewhere. Mm-hmm. how do we amplify marginalized voices? Who are these marginalized voices? They're on the peripheral, they're not, um, often, um, given mainstream spaces, and I find myself working in mainstream media. Who are the people reporting stories in news Who are, um, the interview subjects and sources that we have in stories? Traditionally, as I'm unpacking a hundred years of newspaper history in my community, it's like white men. White men have been front and center of the, the lens of our stories and the focus of our stories. Mm-hmm. Um, so it's interesting. Yeah. Um, amplifying marginalized voices is very important to me. I think we've amplified our own marginalized voices as, um, moms who are professionals who were experiencing mental health issues. mm-hmm. all while having a cycle every 28 days and riding that wave and trying to figure mm-hmm. out how to navigate this very man's world like a man's. Within that with your Dolly Parton? Uh, oh yeah. Queen hair rollers right now, Okay. But when you were saying that, I was just like, you sound very much like a, a social worker. Oh, interesting. Okay. Like I, I have seen a lot of my career in that, through that lens. Mm-hmm. of like, my role is to. Not only amplify someone's voice, but actually support them to realize that they have a voice and that they have rights and that they do need to speak up. And if they can't do it, I'll do it for them or I'll help them find the way there. It's like anti-oppressive work. Mm-hmm. it just can take so many different forms and mine's like frontline one-on-one working with people or maybe I. as my career progresses, you know, you work more in policy, but then also it can extend to media. Mm-hmm. or philanthropy, like Yeah. You know, whatever your life's purpose is, for example, what you shared. You know, you can come at it from so many different angles. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. That reminds me, there's a poem I wanna read you. Okay. We've never did poetry on this song podcast before, um, but I, I recently picked. um, Adrian Van's new book, the Journey of Self-Care To We Care, the Art and Science of the Human Experience. I've wanted to read this. Mm-hmm. now I get a little teaser. And Adrian is a physiotherapist, um, who also integrates yoga into her practice. So, um, I've I've, you told me about Adrian. Yeah. She's the best. Yeah. Yeah. but she's compiled this beautiful book and, um, starts each chapter with personal poetry that she's written. She's really integrating art and science. Um, and I read this the other night and I knew I wanted to read it to you, so it's called that someone. When you find someone who is so lovingly interested in hearing you speak, it awakens a deeper part of you that has so much to share. Creating a compressed evolution into the person you're meant to grow, to be, to have that someone in this life's journey is the biggest blessing one could hope to receive. The length of time shared may not seem long enough, but the imprint on one's heart will be long lasting. Four, to have known that one belongs wholly as they are, will create a depth of heart knowing in the darker days that will inevitably come. We can draw from the well of our hearts. Remembering I have belonged once and I will again because of that. Someone who came and. Oh, I love it. It have goosebumps. Yeah. That's written by Adrian. Yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. You know what, the part that stands out the most to me is the piece about, um, having so much to share. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. but first needs to be someone that's willing to listen. Yes. And I, I love the. reminder that we all are interesting and creative and have this light to share. But so often, especially when we look at like capitalism and individualistic kind of approaches, where there's like one person's the best and everything, everyone else is just less than, it's like it levels the playing field. We all have something beautiful to share. We just need our people. Mm-hmm. we need our community. We need someone who wants to listen. Yeah. And I feel like this relationship that we've built through this podcast and creating safety and just yeah. This community to openly share, I find I just have more things to share. Yes. Beyond the podcast, like Yeah. It integrates into my life. Yeah. It's changed the way I speak and listen. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Um, where are you in your cycle right now? Great question. Uh, ludial. Ludial. So I've ovulated and I'm waiting for menstruation. Hmm. And I'm just sort of, this can be a long phase for you. Hey, this can be so long. Yeah. And. But I'm feeling right now, like pretty, um, able to organize and put my head down and do some concentrated work. Yeah. Which feels really good. Yeah. Like I feel mental clarity as well. Mm-hmm. before that, like cloudy fuzziness of menstruation comes along, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. How about you? I, I just finished menstruating. Hmm. Yeah. And like I had a, I had some, yeah, a busy and challenging week, but I made a point to prioritize comfort and, um, Was just like, okay, like I don't, I don't wanna be working right now, um, I'd like to just be resting, but how can I be as easy on myself as possible? And that included, like, I was packing a lunch because I was leaving the house, but. I'm like, yeah, wearing comfortable clothes. I packed myself cookies and tea and like, I had little treats to look forward to and like stretchy clothes, and I still like got ready. I didn't just leave the house in a sweatshirt, but I, I got ready, but in the most comfortable, presentable clothes I could put on and mm-hmm. um. Yeah. I didn't expect anything of myself in terms of cooking or cleaning or, you know, keeping up with things. I just allowed myself to prioritize comfort. Right. Which is like the alternative from the two extremes of pretend it's not happening and go out into this man's world. Yeah. And then on the. Other side of it. It's like, you know, catch your menstrual blood in a cup and then like return it back to mother nature, right. And rest for three to seven days and like have a specific like ritual and which is like cool, but like that's not that accessible. Mm-hmm. because we're still finding the balance, but this prioritizing comfort and letting a lot of things slide seems like a balance for you that worked. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah, it did. Um, and yeah, I, this month I ne I didn't have, um, like any low days leading up to menstruation. Whoa. So that was interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was that? Yeah. All of a sudden I was just bleeding and Yeah. Hmm. Just carried on. And I'm happy to hear that you've had some dark days Yeah. With the pm d d that you struggle with. Yeah. That was fully prepared. I had talked to my doctor about doubling up on a antidepressant on those days. That's supposed to be helpful with pm d d. Um, and I have, I did do that, um, last cycle. but didn't need to this cycle. So interesting. So you'll adjust what you're taking throughout the month? I can, yeah. Okay. Yep. Like if I'm, I almost interpret it as like if you were to take an anxiety medication, if you knew you were going to feel anxious or heading into an anxious situation, it's like, just take an extra, um, SSRI take, but not just for one day or if you want, but for one day. Yeah. Oh. I thought it had more of a cumulative effect, but we definitely know with you. Mm-hmm. in your experience, like one pill is like can make a big difference. Yeah. Party time. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's, you've been through a lot. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. So let's talk about trauma. Ooh. Well, this is an area of expertise for you. It is an area of passion for sure. Not only are you a therapist, you have delved into the world of somatic experiencing, and you've done a lot of study and coursework and personal practice into, um, trauma and how it, it impacts our nervous system. And that's sort of the reframe in the, the. um, lens that we like to use on this show. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, that's why we call it, that's somatic. Yeah. That's so madic. Ah-huh Um, because it's like somatic experiencing is about paying attention to the soma, the body so that we can create more of a connection between the body and the mind, which affects our autonomic nervous system, which is you. traditionally known as like the fight, flight, or freeze system, but it is the system that has the ability to control every other system in your body, like your cardiovascular system. So how your blood is pumping around your body and how much your heart is pumping, your endocrine system, what kind of hormones you have going through your body, the stress chemicals that are in your body, your breath, like it, the respiratory system, it's. it controls everything. Mm-hmm. and it's meant to function in acute situations where we're threatened throughout our days, which should be fleeting and brief, and then we should be chilling and eating grass and picturing ourselves as like in our nervous. It has mammals, happy cows. Happy cows until like, ah, there's a coyote, and then like mm-hmm let's run and get safe. And then we're good. But that's not the way it works. It's like we're constantly running away or panicking about a coyote or just completely shut down. Cause we're like, maybe if we don't move, we won't get eaten. Mm-hmm. because of the micro stresses all day, every day. In our modern life. Yeah. Like something as simple as having to pretend you're not menstruating and charge out into the world and be clearheaded and energized. Meanwhile, you're bloated and like you need to go change your pad and like you can't think straight. Mm-hmm. that causes stress. Mm-hmm. in the body, So anyway, um, there's so many different definitions that I like to use with trauma, but one thing that's helpful for people to understand sometimes is when I say, um, trauma isn't necessarily about what happened to you, it's about what didn't happen afterwards. Okay. Which can help explain like, sometimes there'll be two people in a car accident. Physical injuries aside, one person's like, fine, and one person's like traumatized by the car accidents, like, how did the same incident happen to two people? And it affected one's nervous system much more deeply and than the other person's. Mm-hmm. And so it's about, Depending what kind of trauma is built up in that person's system, depending on natural predispositions that those people were born with. But also it's about the kind of support they received afterwards. Mm-hmm. that supported their nervous system, their body, to move through and process that trauma. And so the reason I've been thinking about this lately is, you know, I'm terrified of traumatizing my own child. Mm-hmm. And for that reason, Though I think I'm fairly flexible, like firm, but flexible. Um, I probably lean towards like being too soft at times. Yeah. And I just want to support her to regulate her nervous system when something big happens. And I never wanna push her too far and I don't wanna overwhelm her. But sometimes like life happens and. I've tried taking, she's three. Mm-hmm. I've tried taking her to the dentist twice, or I have mm-hmm. the first time she was two and they were kind of like, okay, well just let this slide. It's just, you know, she'll meet us and see the tools and next time she comes back, we'll like, need to do more of an assessment. And I took her this most recent time and. She was like having none of it. She didn't wanna touch any of the, like, they were being really supportive. They're like, Hey, look, you can like push, like, put water into this cup and then you can suck it up with this little vacuum. And she was like, Nope, I don't want it. And like, like burring her head in my shoulder and wouldn't look at the, uh, dental hygienist, wouldn't open her mouth, wouldn't show them how to brush her. Teeths just completely disinterested. And then the dentist came in. you know, she was really nice and supportive and tried a couple of times and Juliet was just like, Nope. And then the dentist was like, sometimes it's necessary to let her cry. So because then I can really see inside of her mouth and then kind of all of a sudden all at once, she was like, this is the best hold. That's the safest for her. And like all of a sudden, Literally pinning my child down with her screaming. Mm-hmm. at like terror, so the dentist could look inside of her mouth, which was awful. Like I felt off for like six hours Wow. Yeah. But then I was reminded after like, you know, I did so many things and my husband did so many things to support her and help her regulate, and we were able to talk about it a little bit later that I. That was a really shitty event, but I'm not sure she's gonna be traumatized by it because of all the support she received after. Ah, interesting. Yeah. Beautiful. Mm-hmm. So like, I don't have to be so terrified that like, she can never have like a, a really like panicky experience. Mm-hmm. or like, I'm afraid she's gonna like, go into like high tone dorsal vel and shut down, you know? It's like it's. Her nervous system, you know, I've done so much to support her nervous system to, to develop and to be healthy and to function optimally that like, yeah, some really acute thing happened and it super sucked, but like in nature, like it was possible that we would get attacked by the coyote and like as long as we can get away, be safe, and then have time to integrate. Yeah. It's, it's what our nervous system is built for. Yeah. Okay. I think I intuitively did this as. This week with my daughter, my three-year-old. Yes. Tell me, oh my God. She's three now. I know they're both three. Um, and this is why our maternity leaves lapped over each other. This, this is where the friendship began to blossom. Yeah. Yep. Um, two tired, sad moms. yeah, it's not often that I have to leave the house like ready for the day with a packed lunch to be somewhere for a meeting this week. I had to do that normally at my mornings, like they start off pretty slow and I, I do some work while my daughter watches Paw Patrol and eats her breakfast and like, we get out the door around nine 30 and it's just a nice pace that I really enjoy. Um, but that wasn't the case this week. I think maybe my energy shifted or I'm just like, Hey, we have to go. Like there's, plus your dog wasn't well. Oh yeah, my dog wasn't. Well that's a whole other story, And he was extra sensitive and crying. And the three-year-old and the dog, they feed off each other and it creates this really stressful like loop of chaos. Um, So we had to leave, we had to go out the door. And I'm getting frustrated cause I'm like, Hey, I have to walk you to daycare and then walk back and call a cab to get to my meeting and then get to my meeting. And I'm like, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm like, get your ski pants on, get your snow pants on. And like, I've never been this mom in the morning. Mm-hmm. But I know I have potential to be this mom. Um, because it's stressful. Um, and then like, that just made it so much worse. And then my daughter just collapses and she's like, no, I wanna watch paw petrol. My tummy doesn't feel good. I don't wanna go And then my dog's crying and I'm just like, we have to go. Like, I have melted. I've set timers. We'd colored, we'd like, we tried, tried to do all of the things right. I got ready, I packed a lunch, like I'm so close to getting over the finish line and I cannot make you get your, like your snow gear on. And this is like, I'm just, I realize I'm fucked. I'm just like, there's nothing I can do right now. And I'm so overstimulated. And I just screamed. I'm like, ah. Like I just held my head and I screamed. I'm like, fuck, Um, and that stops the crying and then she's scared and I'm like, that was an overreaction. Um, and then she continues crying and she's like, mom, that was an outside voice. Did you teach her that? That's an outside voice. I think that must be a daycare thing. Um, and then I just like have this moment of acceptance, so I'm like, okay. I am not going to make this meeting. Like, cool, okay. And then I realized, well then of course then my daughter like has to go pee. And then she's still like sobbing. And then she like pees in her pants and then she needs new pants. But then she had to go poop. And then we still haven't gotten the ski pants on. And I'm like, oh good lord. Oh no. This sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. And. I just realized, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to choose to be a mom right now and for that to be the most important job. Mm-hmm. And I don't want to send her, drop her off with a p bunch of people that aren't her family at daycare, like in a dysregulated state essentially. I don't wanna be like, Hey, suck it up. Get in the door, I gotta go. I just knew like, that's not fair to her. That's not fair to her. Um, it sucks that. This is how it's unfolding. But I do, I wanted to prioritize that she felt safe and loved and had time to like that. We both had time to regulate and cuddle and, um, just talk about what happened to be like, wow, I got really frustrated. She's like, that was an outside voice mom. And I'm like, I'm like, you know what I. Um, we need to make sure we keep Paw Patrol at the table. Like we let her watch it at the table. But this whole thing started cuz I let her take it with her and you know, like we just, we had a conversation about it and then like, I was an hour late for work. I get to daycare and I just decide like I need to own that we've had a bad morning just in case she's off or, or whatever. So I was able to tell the, the caregivers at daycare, like we had a really hard morning getting here today and we both cried and Uh, we're good now, but it's so real. It was real and it was well received. Yeah. The daycare workers, like, we've been there like we know. Yeah. Um, that's inspiring that you were able to like, Work through it. You had to make some hard choices. Yeah. And this is, this is motherhood, this is parenting, right? Mm-hmm. and I don't feel like I was afforded that as a child. Mm-hmm. I think there was a lot of like, suck it up. quit. You're crying or go figure it out, or mm-hmm. um, or like having a lot of tension or anger in the car and then like, oh, we're at church and now we're happy, or, right. Yeah. Which is like the, the part of the integration is like being able to talk about what happened and have space to regulate and to, to have that support and that physical touch. Um, and so like, it's. Like Hazel's gonna be fine, that you screamed and looked like a crazy person. Right? Yeah. Because you were able to like provide integration for her integration and let her nervous system regulate mm-hmm. afterwards. Mm-hmm. instead of saying like, fine, no ski pants, and just like throw her in the car and like, end of story. Yeah. In the same breath. if that was the story every single day, like there would be things you'd need to try because it's not reasonable. You can't be late an hour late for work every day. Yeah. But in this was a one-off situation. Everybody was heightened. Yeah. And everything went sideways and like, you know what? Fuck it. Yeah. Fuck that meeting. Fuck that meeting I know. And I think I was able to integrate my own frustration too. Like this wasn't just for her. I think it was for me to be like, you know what? I got up too late today. Like, you know, if I know I need to leave the house. We should have all started this process a bit earlier. You're taking some ownership instead of just being like, you are the problem. Right. To your daughter, right? Mm-hmm. and we were able to talk about it again, like when she got home that day of like, whoof, we had a hard time this morning, didn't we? And yeah, I just don't remember any follow up to stressors. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Um, so trauma isn't about what happened to you, it's about what didn't happen to you. Mm-hmm. we're built for high stress, literal life or death situations. Hmm. But are we able to lean into the natural wisdom of our body to pay attention enough to allow the integration so that we can just be happy Cows again, Thank you for sharing that. thanks for, being interested to listen. Ooh, Adrian Van go. Oh yeah. Amazing. Okay, I have to go get an x-ray of my arm. Bye, friend.
