WEBVTT
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This is not quite the episode I had planned for this week.
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Actually, I didn't think I'd get one out at all.
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And if you've been following on social media or the news, you probably know why.
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I live in the southeast portion of Hawaii Island.
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I've lived here for about five years now.
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And this past week, or I guess by the time you hear this last week, Hurricane Lala came through the islands.
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My family is safe.
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Our home is safe.
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We lost power, and there are certainly inconveniences that come with that, but we're okay.
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A lot of people here are not.
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Hawaii Island took an enormous hit.
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There are homes that were damaged, roads and bridges that were damaged, people who lost things that simply cannot be replaced.
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An entire community was demolished by flood water.
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And right now, while I'm recording this, there are people waking up trying to figure out what their lives look like after everything changed in a matter of hours.
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So I want to be really careful with this episode.
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I'm not going to take someone else's devastation and turn it into a cute metaphor about relationships.
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For people who lost their homes, their belongings, their sense of safety, this isn't a metaphor.
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This is their life.
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But living through this week has made me think a lot about something I believe almost every person listening to this podcast understands in some way.
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The unknown.
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For days leading up to the hurricane, that's where we lived.
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You watch forecasts, you watch the track, you watch the wind speed, you prepare, you buy what you can, you charge everything, you make plans, and then you wait.
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How bad is this actually going to be?
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Will the track change?
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Will our house be okay?
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Will everyone we love be okay?
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What is tomorrow morning gonna look like?
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And there comes a point when you've done everything you can do, and there's nothing left to do except wait.
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Then the storm comes and eventually it passes, and suddenly there's a different kind of unknown.
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What now?
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As I sat with that question, I realized that I've spent a lot of my life living in some version of it.
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And I think a lot of you have too.
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Maybe your storm wasn't a hurricane.
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Maybe it was the day you realized your marriage wasn't what you thought it was.
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Maybe someone died or someone left or you lost a job.
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Maybe your health changed.
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Maybe you finally left the relationship and then woke up the next morning and realized that leaving was only the first decision.
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Now you had to build a life.
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Or maybe nothing dramatic happened at all.
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Maybe you just woke up one morning and realized I don't want to live like this anymore.
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And then came the terrifying question.
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Okay, so what now?
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That's what I want to talk about today.
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Not having the answer, not knowing exactly what comes next, and learning that maybe you don't actually need to.
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Welcome back to Pattern Breakers Collective.
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I'm Lisa.
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Today's episode is gonna be a little different.
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Usually we're talking specifically about relationships, emotional abuse, cores of control, trauma bonds, people pleasing, self-abandonment, the patterns that keep women stuck in relationships and lives that are hurting them.
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We're still gonna touch on some of that today, but I want to zoom out because uncertainty isn't exclusive to unhealthy relationships.
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It's part of being human.
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And this week has reminded me just how quickly the things that we believe are certain can change.
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I think most of us have this quiet assumption that tomorrow is gonna look roughly like today.
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We make appointments for next month, we plan vacations six months out, we buy groceries for the week, we talk about what we're gonna do next year.
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We have to live that way.
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You can't wake up every morning thinking everything could completely fall apart today and still function.
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So we build our lives around a certain amount of assumed stability.
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And most days it works until something happens that reminds you that you were never actually promised any of it.
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And that can be terrifying, but I also think there's something important that we get to see about ourselves in those moments.
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Not that everything happens for a reason.
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I don't believe we need to put some inspirational bow around painful things.
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Sometimes terrible things just happen.
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But when life becomes uncertain, we get to see something that we don't always notice when everything is comfortable.
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We get to see how we respond when we can't control the outcome.
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And for a lot of us, especially those who have been spending years surviving unpredictable environments, that's where things get really interesting.
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Human beings really don't like uncertainty.
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We like to know.
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Even when the thing we know isn't particularly good, there's something strangely comforting about predictability.
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And I think that's one of the things that people sometimes misunderstand about women who stay in unhealthy relationships.
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From the outside, someone might look at the situation and think, why would you stay there?
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Why wouldn't you just leave?
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Anything would be better than this.
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But your nervous system doesn't necessarily hear anything would be better.
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Sometimes it hears anything could happen.
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And those are very different things.
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You might be miserable in your marriage, but you know how this marriage works.
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You know his moots, you know what sets him off, you know when to talk and when not to, you know what happens when he's angry, how long the silent treatment usually lasts.
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What version of yourself keeps things relatively calm?
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Is that healthy?
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No, but it's familiar, and familiar can feel safer than unknown.
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Now, imagine leaving.
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Where will I live?
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Can I afford it?
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What happens with the kids?
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Will he make this difficult?
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Will I be lonely?
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Will I regret it?
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Will anyone ever love me again?
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What if I can't do this?
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Suddenly, the painful life that you understand is competing against a future that you cannot predict.
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And sometimes the nervous system says, stay with what you know.
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Not because it's good, because we've already learned how to survive it.
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And this doesn't only happen in unhealthy relationships.
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People stay in jobs they hate because at least they have a paycheck.
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They stay in friendships where they feel small because they've been friends for 20 years.
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They stay in identities they've outgrown because they don't know who they are without them.
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Sometimes we choose a painful known over an uncertain possibility.
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And I think that we need to have compassion for that.
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But compassion doesn't mean we never challenge it, because eventually we have to ask: is this actually safe?
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Or is it simply familiar?
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Those are not the same thing.
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This is especially important for women who grew up in chaos or who have spent years in unpredictable relationships.
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You can become incredibly good at anticipating.
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You read rooms, you read faces, you notice changes in a tone that nobody else notices.
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You think five steps ahead, you prepare for every possible outcome.
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And sometimes people call that being organized or intuitive or incredibly responsible.
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And sometimes it is.
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But sometimes it's hypervigilance.
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It's a nervous system that learned if I can predict what's coming, maybe I can protect myself from it.
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That strategy may have kept you safe at some point, but eventually it can harden into this belief that you need to know what's going to happen before you can make any decision at all.
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And that becomes an impossible standard.
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You can't know whether leaving will be easy.
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You can't know whether a new relationship will work.
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You can't know exactly what your life is going to look like a year from now.
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And if certainty becomes the requirement before you move, you may never move because life doesn't offer that kind of guarantee.
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Familiar is not the same as safe.
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A life you've learned to survive is not the same as a life worth living.
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And a nervous system that says, stay, because we know this is not wisdom.
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It's protection that outlived the thing that it was protecting you from.
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Preparation and control are not the same thing.
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This is probably one of the biggest things the hurricane reminded me of this week.
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There was a lot we could do.
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We could prepare, get supplies, charge devices, make sure we had water, think through what we would do if the power went out, secure things, check on people, pay attention to the emergency information.
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There were real actions available to us, and taking those actions mattered.
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But eventually, you reach the end of the list, and the storm is still coming.
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That's the moment that I think a lot of us struggle with because preparation gives us something to do, but control gives us the illusion that if we do everything correctly, we can guarantee the outcome.
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And we cannot.
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Those are very, very different things.
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Preparation says I've done what is reasonably within my power.
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Control says, if I think about this long enough, maybe I can eliminate uncertainty.
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And uncertainty doesn't negotiate.
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I am someone who can research the hell out of something.
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I can analyze it, think through every possible scenario, make a plan A, plan B, plan C, and probably all the way out to plan Q just in case.
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And there is absolute value in being prepared.
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But there comes a point when preparation turns into an attempt to negotiate with something that cannot be negotiated with.
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And I have spent a lot of my life trying to do that second thing.
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I see women do this constantly when they're considering leaving a difficult relationship.
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Well, I need to know I'll be okay before I leave.
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And I understand that completely.
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But what would actually prove that to you?
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Can someone guarantee that you'll never be lonely?
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No.
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Can someone guarantee that you won't struggle financially?
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No.
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Can someone guarantee your children won't have feelings about it?
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No.
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Can someone guarantee that you won't miss him?
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Absolutely not.
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Can someone guarantee that you'll never question your decision?
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Nope.
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So, if the requirement is I need proof that everything will be okay before I make a change, you've created a requirement that life can never satisfy.
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And waiting for it means waiting indefinitely.
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But what if we change the question?
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Instead of asking, how do I know I'm gonna be okay?
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What if you asked, what would help me become more capable of responding if things are not okay?
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That's different.
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Now we have something to work with.
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Maybe you need financial information, maybe you need emotional support, maybe you need a legal consultation, maybe you need a safety plan, maybe you need therapy, maybe you need to stop pretending you have to figure this all out completely alone.
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And suddenly we've moved from trying to predict the future to building our capacity to meet it.
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That is self-trust, not I trust myself to always make the right decision.
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I don't know about you, but I have made some spectacularly bad ones.
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Self-trust is something more realistic than that.
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It's I trust myself not to abandon myself when things get hard.
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I trust myself to ask for help.
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I trust myself to change course if new information comes in.
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I trust myself to survive disappointment.
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I trust myself to respond.
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And that is incredibly different from needing to know what the outcome is in advance.
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During this storm, we couldn't know exactly what was going to happen.
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We could prepare, and then we had to respond to what actually came.
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Life works that way too, and maybe healing does too.
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You don't need a 10-year plan.
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Sometimes you just need enough preparation to take the next step.
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I think this is where people get overwhelmed when their lives change.
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We immediately zoom all the way out.
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Let's say you're considering leaving a 20-year marriage.
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Your brain doesn't stop at where would I stay next month?
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Oh no, your brain is already at Christmas six years from now.
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What happens when our daughter gets married?
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Where will everyone sit?
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What happens when we have grandchildren?
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Will I spend Christmas alone?
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What if he remarries?
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What if I don't?
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What will retirement look like?
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You haven't even made the first phone call yet, and your brain has already constructed 17 hypothetical futures.
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No wonder you're terrified.
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Or maybe you've already left and you're sitting in a new apartment surrounded by boxes thinking, how am I supposed to rebuild my entire life?
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And the answer to that is you're not.
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Not today.
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Today, maybe you unpack the kitchen.
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Maybe you call the insurance company.
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Maybe you cry.
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Maybe you go to work because life, bizarrely, keeps requiring ordinary things from us, even when things feel completely different.
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Maybe you call someone and say, Can you just stay on the phone with me for a little while?
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That's enough for today.
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That really is enough.
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This is actually one of the things I'm watching happen around me right now in the aftermath of the hurricane.
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When a disaster happens, you don't rebuild an entire community the next morning.
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First, you assess what happened, what's still standing, what needs immediate attention, who needs help first, what resources are available, what can wait.
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And then you start one thing at a time, and that's it.
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I think we can give ourselves the same grace when our personal life falls apart.
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You don't have to rebuild your entire life while you're still standing in the wreckage.
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Take inventory first.
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What is okay?
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What isn't?
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What needs attention right now?
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What can wait until next week?
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What decision actually has to be made today?
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And what decision are you trying to force yourself to make because uncertainty makes you feel uncomfortable?
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Those are different things that require different responses.
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I know we want some huge answer, some beautiful five-step plan that tells us exactly how to rebuild.
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But sometimes resilience is incredibly unglamorous.
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Sometimes it's simply, I don't know how I'm going to do all of this, but I know what I need to do today.
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And today is enough.
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Not forever, just today.
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I want to tell you something about the last few days.
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We've been without power at home since the storm, and I don't know when it's coming back.
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I'm lucky to have the ability to have an office located in an area that power gets prioritized.
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There are crews working all over the island, roads that need attention, communities dealing with damage far more significant than anything happening at my house.
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And there's a strange thing that happens when you're sitting inside a situation like this.
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You want to do something.
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At least I do.
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I am not particularly good at sitting around feeling helpless.
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But there's a reality that I have to face.
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I'm not a first responder.
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I'm not a lineman.
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I'm not operating heavy equipment.
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I can't restore the electrical grid.
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I can't repair a washed-out road.
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And wandering into places where emergency crews are trying to work because I desperately want to feel useful does not make me useful.
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It makes me one more person that they have to worry about.
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So I've had to ask myself a different question.
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What actually belongs to me right now?
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And the answers have been pretty simple.
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I know how to support people emotionally.
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So I have offered free crisis counseling over the next couple of weeks to people who are struggling.
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I know how to use my voice.
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So I'm sitting here making this podcast.
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I know how to check on people.
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So I reach out and I ask, are you and your family okay?
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Do you need anything?
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I have two capable hands, and when it's time to help rebuild, I can use them.
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And right now, I can stay out of the way because sometimes that's a responsibility too.
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There's a humility in recognizing that this part isn't mine.
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And I think that that's something that we lose sight of when we're scared.
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We start believing that if we're not controlling everything, we're doing nothing.
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But that's just not true.
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There is an enormous space between controlling everything and being completely powerless.
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And that's where agency lives.
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I think this applies to so many moments in life.
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If someone you love is struggling, you may not be able to fix it, but maybe you can just sit with them.
00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:27.680
If your adult child makes a decision that you don't agree with it, you may not be able to control it, but you can decide what kind of parent you're going to be while they navigate it.
00:18:27.920 --> 00:18:37.119
If your marriage is ending, you cannot control how your partner behaves, but you can decide how you care for yourself through it.
00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:46.319
If you're living in an unhealthy relationship and you aren't ready or able to leave, you may not be able to change your entire situation today.
00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:55.359
But maybe you can make one phone call, tell one person the truth, get one piece of information, put one support in place.
00:18:55.759 --> 00:18:57.519
That's agency.
00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:03.359
Not I can make everything okay, but there is something here that belongs to me.
00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:11.920
And when everything feels out of control, sometimes finding the one thing is enough to help you put your feet back underneath you.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:16.960
Something else I've been thinking about this week is how much we need other people.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:25.680
And that's interesting for me to sit with because I think a lot of women in this community have become incredibly good at being the person that everyone else needs.
00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:27.599
You're the one people call.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:29.359
You're the one who figures it out.
00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:31.039
You're the one who stays calm.
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:32.640
You're the capable one.
00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:41.920
And being capable can become such a strong part of your identity that receiving help starts to feel really uncomfortable, like it means something bad about you.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:47.440
But look at what happens when an entire community is affected by something.
00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:49.519
Nobody has everything.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:20:00.240
Someone has equipment, someone has food, someone has professional training, someone has a place for people to sleep, someone knows how to organize, someone knows how to listen, someone has physical strength.
00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:06.640
And maybe someone doesn't have much of anything right now because they're the one who just lost everything.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.440
Their job isn't to contribute equally.
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:12.799
Their job right now might simply be to receive.
00:20:13.200 --> 00:20:18.240
I really want to sit with that for a moment because I think that women need permission to hear it.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:27.680
There are seasons of your life when you will be the person helping, and there are seasons when you will be the person who needs help.
00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:31.200
Neither one determines your worth.
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.799
You don't have to earn support by being useful first.
00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:38.640
You don't have to immediately repay someone for showing up for you.
00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:45.200
And you don't have to apologize because this happens to be the season when you don't have anything left to give.
00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:48.720
I think we've built this strange mythology around strong women.
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:53.119
Oh, she's independent, she's resilient, she handles things, she doesn't need anybody.
00:20:53.279 --> 00:20:56.559
And I don't necessarily think that's strength.
00:20:56.720 --> 00:21:00.400
I think sometimes that's survival dressed up as independence.
00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:05.759
Because real strength can also sound like, I don't know what to do, can you help me?
00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:06.880
Can you sit with me?
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:08.000
Can I stay with you?
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:10.240
Can you help me understand my options?
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.559
I don't want to be alone tonight.
00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:15.920
That's not weakness, that's community.
00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:21.599
And community is actually one of the most powerful things available to us when our lives change.
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:30.079
This matters especially for women coming out of unhealthy relationships because isolation is one of the most powerful tools of control.
00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:34.480
Sometimes it was deliberately created by an abusive partner.
00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:39.200
Sometimes it happened gradually because maintaining friendships became exhausting.
00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:45.359
Sometimes you stopped telling people what was happening because you were embarrassed or tired of hearing why are you still with him?
00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:47.119
So you stopped talking.
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:51.279
And eventually your world became very small.
00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:57.440
Part of rebuilding, maybe one of the first parts, is allowing people back into it.
00:21:57.599 --> 00:21:58.480
Not everybody.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:09.440
We don't have to hand the keys to Everyone who knocks, but safe people, people who don't require you to perform, people who can tolerate sitting beside you while you figure things out.
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:12.880
Because sometimes support isn't somebody coming in with a solution.
00:22:13.039 --> 00:22:17.920
Sometimes it's somebody saying, I don't know either, but you're not doing this part alone.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:31.519
There's something about the word rebuilding that I've been sitting with this week.
00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:34.480
We hear it after disasters all the time.
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:35.920
We're gonna rebuild.
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:37.200
Of course we are.
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:42.640
But rebuilding doesn't necessarily mean recreating exactly what existed before.
00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:44.240
Sometimes you can't.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:47.039
And sometimes, honestly, you shouldn't.
00:22:47.279 --> 00:22:51.039
I think that's true after any major life disruption.
00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:54.799
There can be this desperate urge to get back to normal.
00:22:55.039 --> 00:23:06.400
After a breakup, after a divorce, after a loss, after leaving an abusive relationship, after your life changes in some enormous way, you think, I just want to feel like myself again.
00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:07.920
I understand that.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:09.279
I have felt that.
00:23:09.519 --> 00:23:13.839
But what if the goal isn't to become exactly who you were before?
00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:15.759
What if you've learned something?
00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:19.680
What if your needs have changed and your priorities are different?
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:31.279
What if the version of you who existed before the storm was already exhausted, already compromising too much, already living a life that didn't quite fit anymore?
00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:37.519
Rebuilding gives you an opportunity to ask questions that normal life sometimes lets us avoid.
00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:39.279
What still matters to me?
00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:40.160
What doesn't?
00:23:40.319 --> 00:23:43.759
What am I carrying forward and what am I done carrying?
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:45.839
Who do I actually want to be around?
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:48.799
What kind of life actually feels like mine?
00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:56.319
And I don't mean that in some toxic positive, everything happens for a reason and now you get to build something better kind of way.
00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:56.960
No.
00:23:57.359 --> 00:23:59.920
Sometimes you would gladly take your old life back.
00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:02.079
Sometimes you didn't ask for reinvention.
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:05.920
Sometimes you would give anything to have not learned the lesson.
00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:08.799
And I think we have to honor that part too.
00:24:09.039 --> 00:24:15.519
But if change has already happened, eventually the question becomes what do I build from here?
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:18.640
Not how do I make this like it never happened?
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:19.839
We can't.
00:24:20.079 --> 00:24:22.400
And not how quickly can I get over it?
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:25.279
That's just not how grief works.
00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:30.319
Just given what is true now, what do I want to build?
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.319
That's a gentler question.
00:24:32.559 --> 00:24:35.200
And you may not know yet, and that's okay.
00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:40.559
There may be a period between the old life and the new one where you don't recognize yourself.
00:24:40.799 --> 00:24:42.960
And I think that we rushed that period.
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:45.359
We want the transformation montage.
00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:50.079
Three months later, new apartment, new haircut, new career, new confidence, new woman.
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:52.880
Real life is messier than that.
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:59.519
Sometimes rebuilding looks like sitting on the floor surrounded by boxes, wondering where the hell the can opener is.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:05.599
Sometimes it looks like having a wonderful day and then crying in the grocery store.
00:25:05.759 --> 00:25:12.880
Sometimes it looks like feeling incredibly strong at 10 in the morning and completely lost by four in the afternoon.
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:20.079
And sometimes progress is simply realizing six months ago, this would have destroyed me for a week.
00:25:20.400 --> 00:25:23.119
Today, it hurt for an hour.
00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:29.279
That is rebuilding too, quietly, piece by piece, without anyone watching.
00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:32.960
You don't have to earn your resilience by doing this gracefully.
00:25:33.039 --> 00:25:34.319
You don't have to handle it well.
00:25:34.480 --> 00:25:42.079
You just have to keep going one unglamorous, uncinematic, sometimes very ordinary day at a time.
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:05.519
And then I watched people remind each other how much we still have.
00:26:05.759 --> 00:26:29.839
People checking on neighbors, people sharing information, people offering what they had, first responders going towards situations the rest of us were being told to stay away from, crews working to restore what can be restored, people simply sitting beside other people who were devastated because sometimes there isn't anything useful to say, and showing up anyway is everything.
00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:44.480
I don't want to turn that into an inspirational lesson because for the people who lost homes, for the people whose communities were washed away, this isn't inspiring, it's painful, it's frightening, it's exhausting, and it's going to take a very long time.
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:49.759
But watching all of this has reminded me of something that I want to carry with me.
00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:53.359
We don't always get to choose what changes our lives.
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:55.759
Sometimes the storm comes anyway.
00:26:56.079 --> 00:27:02.640
Sometimes the relationship ends, sometimes someone dies, sometimes the job disappears, sometimes our health changes.
00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:07.920
Sometimes someone who we trusted turns out not to be who we believe they were.
00:27:08.160 --> 00:27:13.839
Sometimes we make the choice ourselves because we finally realize that we can't keep living the way we've been living.
00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:17.920
And suddenly we're standing in a life that we don't recognize yet.
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:19.759
Maybe you are there right now.
00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:21.920
Maybe your life changed recently.
00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:23.920
Maybe you're considering changing it.
00:27:24.160 --> 00:27:29.440
Maybe you're still standing in the middle of something that you genuinely have no idea how it's gonna turn out.
00:27:29.759 --> 00:27:32.240
I don't have a magical answer for you.
00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:34.000
I'm not sure you need one.
00:27:34.240 --> 00:27:36.400
I think maybe you need three questions.
00:27:36.720 --> 00:27:37.599
Just three.
00:27:37.920 --> 00:27:41.519
One, what actually needs my attention right now?
00:27:42.079 --> 00:27:45.759
Two, what belongs to me to do?
00:27:46.240 --> 00:27:50.400
And three, where do I need someone else?
00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:51.680
That's enough.
00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:54.319
You don't have to rebuild your entire life today.
00:27:54.400 --> 00:27:56.960
You don't have to know who you're gonna be five years from now.
00:27:57.039 --> 00:28:00.319
You don't have to convince yourself that everything is gonna be okay.
00:28:00.559 --> 00:28:05.440
Sometimes you simply have to trust that when the next thing comes, you'll meet it.
00:28:05.680 --> 00:28:10.559
And when you can't meet it alone, you'll reach for somebody who can stand there with you.
00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:17.680
Maybe that's resilience, not I know I'm gonna be okay, but I don't know yet, and I don't have to know yet.
00:28:17.920 --> 00:28:30.799
I can prepare, I can respond, I can ask for help, I can help someone else when I'm able, I can rest when I'm not, I can do what belongs to me and release what doesn't.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:35.119
And tomorrow, I'll figure out tomorrow.
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:45.440
Thank you for sitting with me for a slightly different episode of the Pattern Breakers Collective this week.
00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:57.359
This one came from a very real place, not a planned content calendar, not a structured draft, just me sitting here without power at home, thinking about uncertainty and what we do with it.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:03.119
To those of you who live here in Hawaii who are listening, please take care of yourselves and each other.
00:29:03.279 --> 00:29:04.960
There's a lot of recovery ahead.
00:29:05.039 --> 00:29:13.519
And if you're struggling emotionally with what's happening, I'm offering free crisis counseling over the next couple of weeks for people affected by Hurricane Lala, please reach out.
00:29:13.680 --> 00:29:15.519
That offer is very, very real.
00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:32.880
And for my broader pattern breakers community, if your storm looks different, if you are facing the end of a relationship or trying to decide what comes next, rebuilding after emotional abuse, or simply realizing that you don't want to keep living inside the same patterns, you don't have to figure that out alone either.
00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:40.880
The 12-week group program and options for individual support are all available on my socials or at patternbreakerscollective.com.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.799
Reach out anytime.
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:49.200
If today's episode made you think of someone who is standing in their own version of what now, send it to them.
00:29:49.359 --> 00:30:00.240
Not because this episode has the answer, but maybe because they need someone to remind them that they don't have to have the answer yet, and that where they are right now is a place where it's okay to simply not know.
00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:05.359
If you haven't already, I'd really appreciate a rating or a review wherever you listen.
00:30:05.440 --> 00:30:09.119
It helps more women find this podcast and become part of this community.
00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:12.799
For now, I'm going to keep doing what I can do.
00:30:12.960 --> 00:30:23.680
I'm gonna go check on people, offer the support I know how to offer, and be ready to help when help is needed, and stay out of the way when people who know how to do something better than I do need the room to do it.
00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:28.400
And apparently, I'm gonna keep waiting for the lights to come back on at home.
00:30:28.640 --> 00:30:30.880
Because that's what's mine to do today.
00:30:31.119 --> 00:30:35.839
And whatever you're facing, maybe you don't need to figure out the whole thing either.
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:37.440
Find what's yours today.
00:30:37.680 --> 00:30:38.240
Do that.
00:30:38.480 --> 00:30:41.200
Let someone else help you with the parts that aren't.
00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:44.640
And we'll figure out tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.
00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:23.679
This is not quite the episode I had planned for this week.
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:26.879
Actually, I didn't think I'd get one out at all.
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:31.519
And if you've been following on social media or the news, you probably know why.
00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:34.479
I live in the southeast portion of Hawaii Island.
00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:36.719
I've lived here for about five years now.
00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:44.399
And this past week, or I guess by the time you hear this last week, Hurricane Lala came through the islands.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:45.920
My family is safe.
00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:47.039
Our home is safe.
00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:52.719
We lost power, and there are certainly inconveniences that come with that, but we're okay.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:55.359
A lot of people here are not.
00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:58.640
Hawaii Island took an enormous hit.
00:00:58.799 --> 00:01:05.439
There are homes that were damaged, roads and bridges that were damaged, people who lost things that simply cannot be replaced.
00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:09.200
An entire community was demolished by flood water.
00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:17.280
And right now, while I'm recording this, there are people waking up trying to figure out what their lives look like after everything changed in a matter of hours.
00:01:17.519 --> 00:01:20.079
So I want to be really careful with this episode.
00:01:20.239 --> 00:01:25.280
I'm not going to take someone else's devastation and turn it into a cute metaphor about relationships.
00:01:25.519 --> 00:01:30.879
For people who lost their homes, their belongings, their sense of safety, this isn't a metaphor.
00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:32.239
This is their life.
00:01:32.480 --> 00:01:41.359
But living through this week has made me think a lot about something I believe almost every person listening to this podcast understands in some way.
00:01:41.840 --> 00:01:43.280
The unknown.
00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:47.760
For days leading up to the hurricane, that's where we lived.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:57.359
You watch forecasts, you watch the track, you watch the wind speed, you prepare, you buy what you can, you charge everything, you make plans, and then you wait.
00:01:57.599 --> 00:01:59.680
How bad is this actually going to be?
00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:00.799
Will the track change?
00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:01.840
Will our house be okay?
00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:03.519
Will everyone we love be okay?
00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:06.159
What is tomorrow morning gonna look like?
00:02:06.400 --> 00:02:14.719
And there comes a point when you've done everything you can do, and there's nothing left to do except wait.
00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:21.840
Then the storm comes and eventually it passes, and suddenly there's a different kind of unknown.
00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:23.360
What now?
00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:31.280
As I sat with that question, I realized that I've spent a lot of my life living in some version of it.
00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:33.439
And I think a lot of you have too.
00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:36.159
Maybe your storm wasn't a hurricane.
00:02:36.319 --> 00:02:40.159
Maybe it was the day you realized your marriage wasn't what you thought it was.
00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:43.840
Maybe someone died or someone left or you lost a job.
00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:45.599
Maybe your health changed.
00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:52.639
Maybe you finally left the relationship and then woke up the next morning and realized that leaving was only the first decision.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:55.439
Now you had to build a life.
00:02:55.759 --> 00:02:58.400
Or maybe nothing dramatic happened at all.
00:02:58.560 --> 00:03:03.759
Maybe you just woke up one morning and realized I don't want to live like this anymore.
00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.719
And then came the terrifying question.
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:09.039
Okay, so what now?
00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:11.520
That's what I want to talk about today.
00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:19.520
Not having the answer, not knowing exactly what comes next, and learning that maybe you don't actually need to.
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:22.400
Welcome back to Pattern Breakers Collective.
00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:23.520
I'm Lisa.
00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:27.360
Today's episode is gonna be a little different.
00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:39.199
Usually we're talking specifically about relationships, emotional abuse, cores of control, trauma bonds, people pleasing, self-abandonment, the patterns that keep women stuck in relationships and lives that are hurting them.
00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:47.840
We're still gonna touch on some of that today, but I want to zoom out because uncertainty isn't exclusive to unhealthy relationships.
00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:49.439
It's part of being human.
00:03:49.680 --> 00:03:55.120
And this week has reminded me just how quickly the things that we believe are certain can change.
00:03:55.439 --> 00:04:01.039
I think most of us have this quiet assumption that tomorrow is gonna look roughly like today.
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:09.039
We make appointments for next month, we plan vacations six months out, we buy groceries for the week, we talk about what we're gonna do next year.
00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:10.879
We have to live that way.
00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:17.199
You can't wake up every morning thinking everything could completely fall apart today and still function.
00:04:17.600 --> 00:04:22.079
So we build our lives around a certain amount of assumed stability.
00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:32.800
And most days it works until something happens that reminds you that you were never actually promised any of it.
00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:40.800
And that can be terrifying, but I also think there's something important that we get to see about ourselves in those moments.
00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:43.439
Not that everything happens for a reason.
00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:47.519
I don't believe we need to put some inspirational bow around painful things.
00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:50.959
Sometimes terrible things just happen.
00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:58.319
But when life becomes uncertain, we get to see something that we don't always notice when everything is comfortable.
00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:03.040
We get to see how we respond when we can't control the outcome.
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:13.600
And for a lot of us, especially those who have been spending years surviving unpredictable environments, that's where things get really interesting.
00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:33.040
Human beings really don't like uncertainty.
00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:34.560
We like to know.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:41.759
Even when the thing we know isn't particularly good, there's something strangely comforting about predictability.
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:48.160
And I think that's one of the things that people sometimes misunderstand about women who stay in unhealthy relationships.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:52.240
From the outside, someone might look at the situation and think, why would you stay there?
00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:53.680
Why wouldn't you just leave?
00:05:53.839 --> 00:05:55.680
Anything would be better than this.
00:05:56.079 --> 00:06:00.399
But your nervous system doesn't necessarily hear anything would be better.
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:03.199
Sometimes it hears anything could happen.
00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:05.759
And those are very different things.
00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:11.279
You might be miserable in your marriage, but you know how this marriage works.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:20.800
You know his moots, you know what sets him off, you know when to talk and when not to, you know what happens when he's angry, how long the silent treatment usually lasts.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:24.560
What version of yourself keeps things relatively calm?
00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:26.160
Is that healthy?
00:06:26.480 --> 00:06:32.000
No, but it's familiar, and familiar can feel safer than unknown.
00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:34.240
Now, imagine leaving.
00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:35.279
Where will I live?
00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:36.319
Can I afford it?
00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:37.519
What happens with the kids?
00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:38.800
Will he make this difficult?
00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:39.839
Will I be lonely?
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:40.720
Will I regret it?
00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:42.879
Will anyone ever love me again?
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:45.680
What if I can't do this?
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:52.240
Suddenly, the painful life that you understand is competing against a future that you cannot predict.
00:06:52.399 --> 00:06:57.120
And sometimes the nervous system says, stay with what you know.
00:06:57.360 --> 00:07:02.399
Not because it's good, because we've already learned how to survive it.
00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:05.680
And this doesn't only happen in unhealthy relationships.
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:09.120
People stay in jobs they hate because at least they have a paycheck.
00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:13.199
They stay in friendships where they feel small because they've been friends for 20 years.
00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:19.040
They stay in identities they've outgrown because they don't know who they are without them.
00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:23.600
Sometimes we choose a painful known over an uncertain possibility.
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:27.120
And I think that we need to have compassion for that.
00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:35.759
But compassion doesn't mean we never challenge it, because eventually we have to ask: is this actually safe?
00:07:36.079 --> 00:07:38.319
Or is it simply familiar?
00:07:38.560 --> 00:07:40.480
Those are not the same thing.
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:47.839
This is especially important for women who grew up in chaos or who have spent years in unpredictable relationships.
00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:52.079
You can become incredibly good at anticipating.
00:07:52.240 --> 00:07:57.680
You read rooms, you read faces, you notice changes in a tone that nobody else notices.
00:07:58.079 --> 00:08:02.959
You think five steps ahead, you prepare for every possible outcome.
00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:08.079
And sometimes people call that being organized or intuitive or incredibly responsible.
00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:09.519
And sometimes it is.
00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:12.160
But sometimes it's hypervigilance.
00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:18.560
It's a nervous system that learned if I can predict what's coming, maybe I can protect myself from it.
00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:28.959
That strategy may have kept you safe at some point, but eventually it can harden into this belief that you need to know what's going to happen before you can make any decision at all.
00:08:29.279 --> 00:08:32.559
And that becomes an impossible standard.
00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:35.200
You can't know whether leaving will be easy.
00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:38.159
You can't know whether a new relationship will work.
00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:42.399
You can't know exactly what your life is going to look like a year from now.
00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:51.279
And if certainty becomes the requirement before you move, you may never move because life doesn't offer that kind of guarantee.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:53.840
Familiar is not the same as safe.
00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:58.399
A life you've learned to survive is not the same as a life worth living.
00:08:58.639 --> 00:09:04.399
And a nervous system that says, stay, because we know this is not wisdom.
00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:09.440
It's protection that outlived the thing that it was protecting you from.
00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:14.720
Preparation and control are not the same thing.
00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:20.240
This is probably one of the biggest things the hurricane reminded me of this week.
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:22.559
There was a lot we could do.
00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:33.039
We could prepare, get supplies, charge devices, make sure we had water, think through what we would do if the power went out, secure things, check on people, pay attention to the emergency information.
00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:38.879
There were real actions available to us, and taking those actions mattered.
00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:45.039
But eventually, you reach the end of the list, and the storm is still coming.
00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:57.679
That's the moment that I think a lot of us struggle with because preparation gives us something to do, but control gives us the illusion that if we do everything correctly, we can guarantee the outcome.
00:09:58.000 --> 00:09:59.919
And we cannot.
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:03.279
Those are very, very different things.
00:10:03.600 --> 00:10:07.679
Preparation says I've done what is reasonably within my power.
00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:13.840
Control says, if I think about this long enough, maybe I can eliminate uncertainty.
00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:17.200
And uncertainty doesn't negotiate.
00:10:17.600 --> 00:10:21.440
I am someone who can research the hell out of something.
00:10:21.600 --> 00:10:30.639
I can analyze it, think through every possible scenario, make a plan A, plan B, plan C, and probably all the way out to plan Q just in case.
00:10:30.879 --> 00:10:34.159
And there is absolute value in being prepared.
00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:40.480
But there comes a point when preparation turns into an attempt to negotiate with something that cannot be negotiated with.
00:10:40.559 --> 00:10:45.440
And I have spent a lot of my life trying to do that second thing.
00:10:45.679 --> 00:10:50.559
I see women do this constantly when they're considering leaving a difficult relationship.
00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:53.519
Well, I need to know I'll be okay before I leave.
00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:56.159
And I understand that completely.
00:10:56.480 --> 00:10:59.759
But what would actually prove that to you?
00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:03.360
Can someone guarantee that you'll never be lonely?
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:04.000
No.
00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:07.840
Can someone guarantee that you won't struggle financially?
00:11:08.399 --> 00:11:08.720
No.
00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:14.159
Can someone guarantee your children won't have feelings about it?
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:14.879
No.
00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:17.840
Can someone guarantee that you won't miss him?
00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:19.759
Absolutely not.
00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:23.600
Can someone guarantee that you'll never question your decision?
00:11:24.159 --> 00:11:25.039
Nope.
00:11:25.519 --> 00:11:35.679
So, if the requirement is I need proof that everything will be okay before I make a change, you've created a requirement that life can never satisfy.
00:11:35.840 --> 00:11:38.879
And waiting for it means waiting indefinitely.
00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:40.879
But what if we change the question?
00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:43.919
Instead of asking, how do I know I'm gonna be okay?
00:11:44.159 --> 00:11:51.200
What if you asked, what would help me become more capable of responding if things are not okay?
00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:52.559
That's different.
00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:54.639
Now we have something to work with.
00:11:54.879 --> 00:12:09.200
Maybe you need financial information, maybe you need emotional support, maybe you need a legal consultation, maybe you need a safety plan, maybe you need therapy, maybe you need to stop pretending you have to figure this all out completely alone.
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:14.720
And suddenly we've moved from trying to predict the future to building our capacity to meet it.
00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:19.600
That is self-trust, not I trust myself to always make the right decision.
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:23.440
I don't know about you, but I have made some spectacularly bad ones.
00:12:23.679 --> 00:12:26.480
Self-trust is something more realistic than that.
00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:31.679
It's I trust myself not to abandon myself when things get hard.
00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:34.320
I trust myself to ask for help.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:39.120
I trust myself to change course if new information comes in.
00:12:39.360 --> 00:12:43.279
I trust myself to survive disappointment.
00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:46.080
I trust myself to respond.
00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:51.519
And that is incredibly different from needing to know what the outcome is in advance.
00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:55.279
During this storm, we couldn't know exactly what was going to happen.
00:12:55.440 --> 00:12:59.600
We could prepare, and then we had to respond to what actually came.
00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:03.039
Life works that way too, and maybe healing does too.
00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:04.639
You don't need a 10-year plan.
00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:08.480
Sometimes you just need enough preparation to take the next step.
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.399
I think this is where people get overwhelmed when their lives change.
00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:27.279
We immediately zoom all the way out.
00:13:27.519 --> 00:13:31.039
Let's say you're considering leaving a 20-year marriage.
00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:34.639
Your brain doesn't stop at where would I stay next month?
00:13:34.799 --> 00:13:38.960
Oh no, your brain is already at Christmas six years from now.
00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:41.519
What happens when our daughter gets married?
00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:43.120
Where will everyone sit?
00:13:43.360 --> 00:13:45.279
What happens when we have grandchildren?
00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:46.799
Will I spend Christmas alone?
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:48.000
What if he remarries?
00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:48.879
What if I don't?
00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:50.960
What will retirement look like?
00:13:51.279 --> 00:14:01.200
You haven't even made the first phone call yet, and your brain has already constructed 17 hypothetical futures.
00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:03.759
No wonder you're terrified.
00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:13.120
Or maybe you've already left and you're sitting in a new apartment surrounded by boxes thinking, how am I supposed to rebuild my entire life?
00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:16.240
And the answer to that is you're not.
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:17.279
Not today.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:20.240
Today, maybe you unpack the kitchen.
00:14:20.399 --> 00:14:22.559
Maybe you call the insurance company.
00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:23.679
Maybe you cry.
00:14:23.919 --> 00:14:32.480
Maybe you go to work because life, bizarrely, keeps requiring ordinary things from us, even when things feel completely different.
00:14:32.799 --> 00:14:37.360
Maybe you call someone and say, Can you just stay on the phone with me for a little while?
00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:39.039
That's enough for today.
00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:41.440
That really is enough.
00:14:41.919 --> 00:14:47.200
This is actually one of the things I'm watching happen around me right now in the aftermath of the hurricane.
00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:53.039
When a disaster happens, you don't rebuild an entire community the next morning.
00:14:53.279 --> 00:15:03.279
First, you assess what happened, what's still standing, what needs immediate attention, who needs help first, what resources are available, what can wait.
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:09.360
And then you start one thing at a time, and that's it.
00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:14.399
I think we can give ourselves the same grace when our personal life falls apart.
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:19.679
You don't have to rebuild your entire life while you're still standing in the wreckage.
00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:21.679
Take inventory first.
00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:23.279
What is okay?
00:15:23.519 --> 00:15:24.399
What isn't?
00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:26.240
What needs attention right now?
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:28.480
What can wait until next week?
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:31.600
What decision actually has to be made today?
00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:36.879
And what decision are you trying to force yourself to make because uncertainty makes you feel uncomfortable?
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:40.159
Those are different things that require different responses.
00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:46.879
I know we want some huge answer, some beautiful five-step plan that tells us exactly how to rebuild.
00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:51.840
But sometimes resilience is incredibly unglamorous.
00:15:52.000 --> 00:15:59.759
Sometimes it's simply, I don't know how I'm going to do all of this, but I know what I need to do today.
00:15:59.919 --> 00:16:01.759
And today is enough.
00:16:02.000 --> 00:16:04.080
Not forever, just today.
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:07.279
I want to tell you something about the last few days.
00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:12.639
We've been without power at home since the storm, and I don't know when it's coming back.
00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:17.919
I'm lucky to have the ability to have an office located in an area that power gets prioritized.
00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:26.799
There are crews working all over the island, roads that need attention, communities dealing with damage far more significant than anything happening at my house.
00:16:27.039 --> 00:16:32.159
And there's a strange thing that happens when you're sitting inside a situation like this.
00:16:32.399 --> 00:16:33.919
You want to do something.
00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:35.039
At least I do.
00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:38.320
I am not particularly good at sitting around feeling helpless.
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:41.120
But there's a reality that I have to face.
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:43.279
I'm not a first responder.
00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:44.399
I'm not a lineman.
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:46.240
I'm not operating heavy equipment.
00:16:46.399 --> 00:16:48.879
I can't restore the electrical grid.
00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:51.679
I can't repair a washed-out road.
00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:59.440
And wandering into places where emergency crews are trying to work because I desperately want to feel useful does not make me useful.
00:16:59.679 --> 00:17:03.039
It makes me one more person that they have to worry about.
00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:05.759
So I've had to ask myself a different question.
00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:08.880
What actually belongs to me right now?
00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:11.839
And the answers have been pretty simple.
00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:14.559
I know how to support people emotionally.
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:19.680
So I have offered free crisis counseling over the next couple of weeks to people who are struggling.
00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:21.759
I know how to use my voice.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:24.160
So I'm sitting here making this podcast.
00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:26.240
I know how to check on people.
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:29.359
So I reach out and I ask, are you and your family okay?
00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:30.880
Do you need anything?
00:17:31.200 --> 00:17:36.720
I have two capable hands, and when it's time to help rebuild, I can use them.
00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:44.079
And right now, I can stay out of the way because sometimes that's a responsibility too.
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:49.119
There's a humility in recognizing that this part isn't mine.
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:52.960
And I think that that's something that we lose sight of when we're scared.
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:57.519
We start believing that if we're not controlling everything, we're doing nothing.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:00.720
But that's just not true.
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:06.240
There is an enormous space between controlling everything and being completely powerless.
00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:08.559
And that's where agency lives.
00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:12.079
I think this applies to so many moments in life.
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:17.039
If someone you love is struggling, you may not be able to fix it, but maybe you can just sit with them.
00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:27.680
If your adult child makes a decision that you don't agree with it, you may not be able to control it, but you can decide what kind of parent you're going to be while they navigate it.
00:18:27.920 --> 00:18:37.119
If your marriage is ending, you cannot control how your partner behaves, but you can decide how you care for yourself through it.
00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:46.319
If you're living in an unhealthy relationship and you aren't ready or able to leave, you may not be able to change your entire situation today.
00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:55.359
But maybe you can make one phone call, tell one person the truth, get one piece of information, put one support in place.
00:18:55.759 --> 00:18:57.519
That's agency.
00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:03.359
Not I can make everything okay, but there is something here that belongs to me.
00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:11.920
And when everything feels out of control, sometimes finding the one thing is enough to help you put your feet back underneath you.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:16.960
Something else I've been thinking about this week is how much we need other people.
00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:25.680
And that's interesting for me to sit with because I think a lot of women in this community have become incredibly good at being the person that everyone else needs.
00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:27.599
You're the one people call.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:29.359
You're the one who figures it out.
00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:31.039
You're the one who stays calm.
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:32.640
You're the capable one.
00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:41.920
And being capable can become such a strong part of your identity that receiving help starts to feel really uncomfortable, like it means something bad about you.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:47.440
But look at what happens when an entire community is affected by something.
00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:49.519
Nobody has everything.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:20:00.240
Someone has equipment, someone has food, someone has professional training, someone has a place for people to sleep, someone knows how to organize, someone knows how to listen, someone has physical strength.
00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:06.640
And maybe someone doesn't have much of anything right now because they're the one who just lost everything.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.440
Their job isn't to contribute equally.
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:12.799
Their job right now might simply be to receive.
00:20:13.200 --> 00:20:18.240
I really want to sit with that for a moment because I think that women need permission to hear it.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:27.680
There are seasons of your life when you will be the person helping, and there are seasons when you will be the person who needs help.
00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:31.200
Neither one determines your worth.
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.799
You don't have to earn support by being useful first.
00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:38.640
You don't have to immediately repay someone for showing up for you.
00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:45.200
And you don't have to apologize because this happens to be the season when you don't have anything left to give.
00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:48.720
I think we've built this strange mythology around strong women.
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:53.119
Oh, she's independent, she's resilient, she handles things, she doesn't need anybody.
00:20:53.279 --> 00:20:56.559
And I don't necessarily think that's strength.
00:20:56.720 --> 00:21:00.400
I think sometimes that's survival dressed up as independence.
00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:05.759
Because real strength can also sound like, I don't know what to do, can you help me?
00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:06.880
Can you sit with me?
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:08.000
Can I stay with you?
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:10.240
Can you help me understand my options?
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.559
I don't want to be alone tonight.
00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:15.920
That's not weakness, that's community.
00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:21.599
And community is actually one of the most powerful things available to us when our lives change.
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:30.079
This matters especially for women coming out of unhealthy relationships because isolation is one of the most powerful tools of control.
00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:34.480
Sometimes it was deliberately created by an abusive partner.
00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:39.200
Sometimes it happened gradually because maintaining friendships became exhausting.
00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:45.359
Sometimes you stopped telling people what was happening because you were embarrassed or tired of hearing why are you still with him?
00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:47.119
So you stopped talking.
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:51.279
And eventually your world became very small.
00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:57.440
Part of rebuilding, maybe one of the first parts, is allowing people back into it.
00:21:57.599 --> 00:21:58.480
Not everybody.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:09.440
We don't have to hand the keys to Everyone who knocks, but safe people, people who don't require you to perform, people who can tolerate sitting beside you while you figure things out.
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:12.880
Because sometimes support isn't somebody coming in with a solution.
00:22:13.039 --> 00:22:17.920
Sometimes it's somebody saying, I don't know either, but you're not doing this part alone.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:31.519
There's something about the word rebuilding that I've been sitting with this week.
00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:34.480
We hear it after disasters all the time.
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:35.920
We're gonna rebuild.
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:37.200
Of course we are.
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:42.640
But rebuilding doesn't necessarily mean recreating exactly what existed before.
00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:44.240
Sometimes you can't.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:47.039
And sometimes, honestly, you shouldn't.
00:22:47.279 --> 00:22:51.039
I think that's true after any major life disruption.
00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:54.799
There can be this desperate urge to get back to normal.
00:22:55.039 --> 00:23:06.400
After a breakup, after a divorce, after a loss, after leaving an abusive relationship, after your life changes in some enormous way, you think, I just want to feel like myself again.
00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:07.920
I understand that.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:09.279
I have felt that.
00:23:09.519 --> 00:23:13.839
But what if the goal isn't to become exactly who you were before?
00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:15.759
What if you've learned something?
00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:19.680
What if your needs have changed and your priorities are different?
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:31.279
What if the version of you who existed before the storm was already exhausted, already compromising too much, already living a life that didn't quite fit anymore?
00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:37.519
Rebuilding gives you an opportunity to ask questions that normal life sometimes lets us avoid.
00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:39.279
What still matters to me?
00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:40.160
What doesn't?
00:23:40.319 --> 00:23:43.759
What am I carrying forward and what am I done carrying?
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:45.839
Who do I actually want to be around?
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:48.799
What kind of life actually feels like mine?
00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:56.319
And I don't mean that in some toxic positive, everything happens for a reason and now you get to build something better kind of way.
00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:56.960
No.
00:23:57.359 --> 00:23:59.920
Sometimes you would gladly take your old life back.
00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:02.079
Sometimes you didn't ask for reinvention.
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:05.920
Sometimes you would give anything to have not learned the lesson.
00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:08.799
And I think we have to honor that part too.
00:24:09.039 --> 00:24:15.519
But if change has already happened, eventually the question becomes what do I build from here?
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:18.640
Not how do I make this like it never happened?
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:19.839
We can't.
00:24:20.079 --> 00:24:22.400
And not how quickly can I get over it?
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:25.279
That's just not how grief works.
00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:30.319
Just given what is true now, what do I want to build?
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.319
That's a gentler question.
00:24:32.559 --> 00:24:35.200
And you may not know yet, and that's okay.
00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:40.559
There may be a period between the old life and the new one where you don't recognize yourself.
00:24:40.799 --> 00:24:42.960
And I think that we rushed that period.
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:45.359
We want the transformation montage.
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Three months later, new apartment, new haircut, new career, new confidence, new woman.
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Real life is messier than that.
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:59.519
Sometimes rebuilding looks like sitting on the floor surrounded by boxes, wondering where the hell the can opener is.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:05.599
Sometimes it looks like having a wonderful day and then crying in the grocery store.
00:25:05.759 --> 00:25:12.880
Sometimes it looks like feeling incredibly strong at 10 in the morning and completely lost by four in the afternoon.
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:20.079
And sometimes progress is simply realizing six months ago, this would have destroyed me for a week.
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Today, it hurt for an hour.
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That is rebuilding too, quietly, piece by piece, without anyone watching.
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You don't have to earn your resilience by doing this gracefully.
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You don't have to handle it well.
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You just have to keep going one unglamorous, uncinematic, sometimes very ordinary day at a time.
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:05.519
And then I watched people remind each other how much we still have.
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People checking on neighbors, people sharing information, people offering what they had, first responders going towards situations the rest of us were being told to stay away from, crews working to restore what can be restored, people simply sitting beside other people who were devastated because sometimes there isn't anything useful to say, and showing up anyway is everything.
00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:44.480
I don't want to turn that into an inspirational lesson because for the people who lost homes, for the people whose communities were washed away, this isn't inspiring, it's painful, it's frightening, it's exhausting, and it's going to take a very long time.
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:49.759
But watching all of this has reminded me of something that I want to carry with me.
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We don't always get to choose what changes our lives.
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:55.759
Sometimes the storm comes anyway.
00:26:56.079 --> 00:27:02.640
Sometimes the relationship ends, sometimes someone dies, sometimes the job disappears, sometimes our health changes.
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Sometimes someone who we trusted turns out not to be who we believe they were.
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Sometimes we make the choice ourselves because we finally realize that we can't keep living the way we've been living.
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And suddenly we're standing in a life that we don't recognize yet.
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Maybe you are there right now.
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Maybe your life changed recently.
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Maybe you're considering changing it.
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Maybe you're still standing in the middle of something that you genuinely have no idea how it's gonna turn out.
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I don't have a magical answer for you.
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I'm not sure you need one.
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I think maybe you need three questions.
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Just three.
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One, what actually needs my attention right now?
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Two, what belongs to me to do?
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And three, where do I need someone else?
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That's enough.
00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:54.319
You don't have to rebuild your entire life today.
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You don't have to know who you're gonna be five years from now.
00:27:57.039 --> 00:28:00.319
You don't have to convince yourself that everything is gonna be okay.
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Sometimes you simply have to trust that when the next thing comes, you'll meet it.
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And when you can't meet it alone, you'll reach for somebody who can stand there with you.
00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:17.680
Maybe that's resilience, not I know I'm gonna be okay, but I don't know yet, and I don't have to know yet.
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I can prepare, I can respond, I can ask for help, I can help someone else when I'm able, I can rest when I'm not, I can do what belongs to me and release what doesn't.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:35.119
And tomorrow, I'll figure out tomorrow.
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:45.440
Thank you for sitting with me for a slightly different episode of the Pattern Breakers Collective this week.
00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:57.359
This one came from a very real place, not a planned content calendar, not a structured draft, just me sitting here without power at home, thinking about uncertainty and what we do with it.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:03.119
To those of you who live here in Hawaii who are listening, please take care of yourselves and each other.
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There's a lot of recovery ahead.
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And if you're struggling emotionally with what's happening, I'm offering free crisis counseling over the next couple of weeks for people affected by Hurricane Lala, please reach out.
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That offer is very, very real.
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And for my broader pattern breakers community, if your storm looks different, if you are facing the end of a relationship or trying to decide what comes next, rebuilding after emotional abuse, or simply realizing that you don't want to keep living inside the same patterns, you don't have to figure that out alone either.
00:29:33.119 --> 00:29:40.880
The 12-week group program and options for individual support are all available on my socials or at patternbreakerscollective.com.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.799
Reach out anytime.
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:49.200
If today's episode made you think of someone who is standing in their own version of what now, send it to them.
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Not because this episode has the answer, but maybe because they need someone to remind them that they don't have to have the answer yet, and that where they are right now is a place where it's okay to simply not know.
00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:05.359
If you haven't already, I'd really appreciate a rating or a review wherever you listen.
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It helps more women find this podcast and become part of this community.
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For now, I'm going to keep doing what I can do.
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I'm gonna go check on people, offer the support I know how to offer, and be ready to help when help is needed, and stay out of the way when people who know how to do something better than I do need the room to do it.
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And apparently, I'm gonna keep waiting for the lights to come back on at home.
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Because that's what's mine to do today.
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And whatever you're facing, maybe you don't need to figure out the whole thing either.
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Find what's yours today.
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Do that.
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Let someone else help you with the parts that aren't.
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And we'll figure out tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.
