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If I had a dollar for every time that I had to change in my car when going from a kids' event to some sort of city council event or gala, I mean, I would have at least$100.
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It is ridiculous.
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I know it's ridiculous.
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This weekend, my son had a soccer game, I don't know, like 30 minutes away from home.
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And my husband was working, my mom was watching my daughter.
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I had to go to a gala.
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And so I had my husband after he woke up from his nap, came to pick up my son.
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I had to leave directly from there to go to my gala.
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So I had my dress and my shoes and my makeup all in the car.
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And I just like looked around in the parking lot, made sure no one was coming, opened the front door, opened the back door, kind of sandwiched myself in between.
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You got out and you just wasn't in the car.
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Well, yes.
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I have changed into my dresses in the car before, but it's so complicated.
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It's so challenging.
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Then I get so sweaty and I'm gonna like tear the dress.
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This time I was like, fuck it.
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I don't have energy for this.
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I'm just gonna change outside real quick.
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Quick.
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It was under 10 seconds.
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So that's impressive.
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I did that when I came back from the funeral last weekend.
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I like drove straight from the funeral and like three and a half hours to like the football game for my oldest son.
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And I'm in like a black dress, right?
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With like heels.
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I'm like, I'm not rolling up into the football.
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Like, you know what I mean?
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So I like I pulled out some leggings and like a t-shirt, whatever, and like I pulled into that school parking lot and like I laid my seat all the way down.
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Exactly.
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And I'm like shimmying as like cars are pulling in.
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I'm like, nobody can see me.
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I'm like lying down, it's fine.
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So uncomfortable though, right?
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Especially if you're wearing something tight to try and shimmy out of it in the front seat.
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Yeah.
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I've done that way too many times.
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I'm sure I've got two more years left of my term, so I'm sure that wasn't the last time I'm gonna do it.
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But anyway, let's launch into the podcast.
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Welcome to Messy as Hell with Krista and Kim.
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No filters, no fixes, just real life.
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Welcome to Messy as Hell.
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I'm Krista.
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I'm Kim.
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And we're so happy you're here with us today.
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Thank you for hanging in with us last week as we did our little bandwidth mini episode.
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We're back today, hopefully, somewhat recharged and re-energized.
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What would you say?
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Where what's your bandwidth meter?
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My whoop and my ring told me I had a great night's sleep.
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So let's hope that that carries into the day.
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We're off to a great start.
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I'll take it.
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I, well, I'm not off to such a great start, and I'll tell you about it in my messy moments.
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So maybe we just go straight into it.
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Let's hear it.
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I mean, we are just kicking off the week, and I am already so discompopulated.
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It's so problematic.
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So for my messy moment this morning, I'll just tell you about my morning.
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I had a city council function this morning.
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My husband worked last night, so he isn't available to help out with the kids because his shift is like nine to nine.
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So he doesn't get home with his commute until 10 a.m.
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So I had to get the kids up and going to school.
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But I had to be at this event at eight.
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So I was like, okay, I'm gonna set my alarm early.
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I'll get up, I'll take a shower, I'll wake the kids up early, and then I'll kind of rush them out the door, I'll get them to before care, and then we'll go to the event.
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And they were great.
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They were troopers, they got up, they got dressed, they, you know, we had a little breakfast to go, but they're like, Mama, why do we have to go so early?
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Mama, I'm so tired.
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It's so early.
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And I told them, I'm sorry, guys.
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I have this event, you know, I've got something for counsel.
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And of course, they're guilty.
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And you're like, oh, mama, I don't like counsel.
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I hate counsel.
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Please don't do it again.
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And I was okay.
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They don't say this all the time.
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It's on the rare occasion when we have an early morning or where I do miss something that they don't like it.
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But man, this morning it just really hit me.
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And I was like, I know I don't want to be rushing you either.
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I want us to have our slow morning together.
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I always love it when we get to sleep in a little bit because then we wake up, they're so cozy.
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You know, I carry the little one down the stairs to get her dress in the morning.
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It's just, it's very sweet.
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So I drop them off at school.
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I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna make it.
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I've got plenty of time.
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I'm so proud of myself.
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I get there and I had the time wrong.
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I got no 40 minutes early.
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And I was like, wait, why is no one here yet?
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Why don't I see any other cars?
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And then I went back to the calendar and looked in and I was like, ah, fuck.
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It's not for 40 minutes.
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I saw, you know, it took up the 8 a.m.
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slot.
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And so it's like, okay, 8 a.m.
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And two weeks ago we had an event at 8 a.m.
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So I just had that in my mind.
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And I was like, oh, it's not until 8:30.
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So I rushed the kids for no reason.
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And it was silly, right?
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This is not a big deal.
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Yeah, I can move on with my day.
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It was just this kind of that mom guilt really sunk in of like, I didn't have to rush them.
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We could have had our nice morning and I would have had plenty of time.
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Yeah.
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And I think it's doubled because I have a meeting this evening that's gonna prevent me from picking them up at school.
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So they have to stay in aftercare.
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And then my husband has to go get them when he wakes up because of my meeting.
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And so it just kind of felt like a double whammy.
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Like, man, I don't get them this morning, and I'm not gonna get them this evening.
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But it is what it is.
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And for the most part, I get to see them a lot.
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It's not a huge deal.
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Yeah, I'll just keep rolling.
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But sometimes something just really strikes a nerve.
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Yeah.
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And it really just hits you.
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So I'm sorry, that's so hard.
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Yeah, it's just that mom guilt, you know, it never goes away.
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And to be honest, they probably won't even notice it.
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My husband will probably go pick them up and they'll be like, Why are you here already?
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We want to keep playing.
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Yes, of course.
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That's always the yes.
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So I just need to let myself have some grace.
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How about you?
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Anything messy in your life?
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My travel home yesterday for my trip was really interesting.
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Normally I have like a lot of empathy and grace for especially women, right?
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Yeah.
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Like with just life circumstances and stuff in my Uber home from the airport.
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You know, she pulls up an electric vehicle, she's young, and in my mind, instantly, yeah, good for you.
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You're like a college girl.
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This is badass.
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Look at you out here working all the hustling.
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Yeah.
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And we get about like 40 minutes away from my house.
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And she's like, Oh, where's the closest EV charger?
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Oh my goodness.
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What do you mean?
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That is so unprofessional.
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There's the one at this location.
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I was like, no, this is quite literally the mountain that you have to drive over to get from nothing to we are in the middle of a mountain passage.
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Yes.
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I was like, you cannot go anywhere.
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So she just kept interrupting me as like I'm in the middle of stuff that I'm trying to catch up on for work on my phone.
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So I keep taking off my ear pods, and she you can tell she's starting to like freak out and panic.
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And then her car starts beeping at it.
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Oh no, that's so stressful.
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Five miles, quote unquote, until the car has no charge left.
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What a nightmare.
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And I'm like, you cannot pull over on this side of this highway.
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Like, this is where people quite literally die.
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Oh, this is like the most accidents happen in this location.
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You cannot pull over.
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So we ended up doing 35 miles an hour home.
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So it took me instead of taking like 20 minutes, it took like an hour to do this drive.
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That is because she was so half the speed, which makes it even more dangerous, actually, in this location.
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Yes, definitely.
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And anyway, so I just found myself getting so annoyed.
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But I've heard that range anxiety can be a little bit of a thing, and that is literally my commute.
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Yeah.
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So it's like I cannot imagine being halfway over the mountains and realizing that I've got five miles left to go.
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It's a plan, it's like a failure of planning and preparation, right?
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Because I've thought about doing EV too, and my business partner would get herself in these situations too, where like she'd be like, oh, I've got to go charge up and then she'd be late for appointments, you know, because it's like, oh, I gotta do this.
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And then she ended up switching from not an EV car, or I think it's like partial EV or something like that.
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Oh, yeah, like a hybrid.
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Well, so I've considered doing the hybrid route, but I will say, I mean, failure to plan, that is kind of my MO.
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I'm a pretty good planner and I'm pretty on top of things.
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But as evidenced by this morning, stuff slips through the cracks, and I totally don't realize.
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Of course, you know, even today, like I thought that we were gonna meet at 11:30.
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And I don't know why I had that number in my mind because if I look at my calendar, it very clearly says 11 a.m., as does our tech thread.
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But in my mind, I was like, okay, 11:30.
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I almost went to the gym to try and squeeze and lift in between my meeting, and I was, oh no, this would have been a terrible mistake.
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I wouldn't have had time to get back and get everything set up.
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So yes.
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Yeah.
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But anyway, okay, so today we are gonna start part one of a two-part discussion.
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We're gonna talk about families and kind of just childhood, the family that made you, and also now as an adult, how that family affects your life or how you give it space to affect your life.
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And we just realized that this is a bigger conversation than you can have in one episode.
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Yeah, right.
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Like there is a lot to unpack in childhood.
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Yeah.
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Exactly.
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There's a lot of layers, and we all just have such different families.
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And we just really wanted to give it justice.
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We didn't want to rush through one episode or overly pack in.
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So we're gonna today we're just really gonna focus on understanding and unpacking our families and our childhoods.
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And we're kind of hoping that as we have this discussion, that you're kind of just thinking along about what your childhood was like, how it has shaped you into the person that you are, and then kind of preparing for the next episode, how now as an adult you maintain or don't maintain those relationships that you had with your family as a child.
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So we're just gonna kind of start talking about families of how you look at your family now through adults' eyes.
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Now that you're a grown-up, now that you have your own kids or your own spouse, your own job, your own home, when you look back on your family now, I'm sure it looks a lot different than when you were a kid growing up.
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And so, what does that look like?
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So I'm gonna start with a question.
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Kim, you and I will each answer it.
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And listeners, answer it for yourself as well.
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So, what was something that you thought was totally normal in your family that you later realized was not universal?
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Are you gonna start off by answering that or should I your choice?
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I can if you want me to.
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For me, it was my family.
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I've mentioned before, I'm Latina, so I've got a large Mexican family.
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We were all really close.
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We spent every single Friday night of my childhood at my grandma's house, unless we were out of town.
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And I loved it so much.
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It was the best.
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My aunties would come over, my cousins would come over, and we would just spend hours talking.
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I would often fall on asleep on the couch listening to them talk, and I loved it so much.
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But I think something that I didn't realize wasn't universal was one, being so close to your extended family and spending so much time with them.
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And two, sharing so many of the intimate details of your life with that family because my family, we definitely talked about everything almost to a fault.
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You know, I'm I'm sure everyone probably knew when I started my period, you know, or we would talk about cousins, boyfriends, and girlfriends, who they were dating.
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We kind of talked about it all, and there was kind of nothing off the table.
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And so for me, I just thought that was normal until boundaries.
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Yes, exactly.
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To put it lightly, no boundaries.
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It wasn't until I got to college and had a relationship and you know, started dating my now husband that I realized, like, oh, all families are not like this.
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In fact, a lot of families have a lot of space or distance between them, you know.
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It's not normal to tell your aunts and uncles and every bit about you, you know.
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So that was one for me that was almost kind of shocking when I grew up and was like, oh, your family didn't do this.
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You don't talk to your family that much.
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Oh, okay.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I mean, I can see that that's I think when you're so immersed in it, it's really hard to know that it's not normal until you're kind of pulled out of it.
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And there's something to having like an adult perspective and shift, and then also something to compare it to.
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That's different.
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I'd say for mine, I grew up well, I guess you'd call it like a pretty European style home.
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The way that our parents dealt with every problem was through like the belts and like smacking around and things like that.
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I remember like very distinctly, like this is after like we moved from Canada to like California.
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But I remember very distinctively like going and like for PE, you used to have to go like get changed for PE and you know, you're coaching your not coaches, but your uh PE instructors or whatever would be in there.
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I remember we had CPS come to our house a few times because we would have just like welts and like like just like because it would be like a everyone line up because I was one of five, and it was like everyone line up on the couch, pull your pants down, lift up your shirt, and he would just well my mom would do it too, but my dad mostly would just welt the shit out of us with like his belt and just like whip us essentially, but all the way down like to our the bottom of our legs, all the way up our backside, and so our PE teachers would see that when we would dress out.
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Yes.
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But that was back in the day where even if CPS showed up, it was who the fuck are you to you tell them to do that with my kids, right?
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And it's obviously very different now.
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But as a child, I thought that that was normal, which segued into other portions of my life when I first was married previously, thinking like, oh, well, this kind of behavior is normal in marriage and a home.
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And then you kind of realize even if it's normal, you don't fucking want it.
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Yeah.
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So how how old were you when you realized it it wasn't normal, or that wasn't how other parents disciplined their kids?
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Oh, it wasn't until I left my ex-husband, actually.
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:20.080
So, like So I was into adulthood.
00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:20.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:28.879
I mean, I my I remember sitting there with my therapist, and my therapist said, You married an abusive piece of shit because you were raised by an abusive piece of shit.
00:13:29.039 --> 00:13:36.320
And it was like this moment of like, and I it took a professional as an adult to tell me, like, no, this isn't okay, this isn't normal.
00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:41.120
And I knew myself as like an adult and as a parent, I would never want to touch my kids like this.
00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:44.879
But whether that was normal or not was a different story, right?
00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:51.600
So I thought everybody as a child had that childhood because we never really had play dates, it was very much so just so we're kind of isolated.
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:55.679
So you weren't in anyone else's homes, you didn't see their family dynamics.
00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:57.759
No, no, didn't really have a lot of that.
00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:04.159
So in my world, it was normal, quote unquote normal, until I grew up and I had my own children.
00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:06.399
I promised myself I would never do those things.
00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:12.720
But then you step out of it, and it wasn't until I met my husband, who I'm married to now, and his family.
00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:16.720
And I was like, oh, this is the way it's supposed to be.
00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:21.360
This is what a healthy family and discipline situation looks like.
00:14:21.679 --> 00:14:23.440
We communicate through words.
00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:25.120
Oh man, yeah.
00:14:25.200 --> 00:14:26.159
I mean, that's so tough.
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:43.919
And I'm sure that there is a spectrum, you know, that a lot of people experience that when it comes to parents laying hands on children, I think especially being kids of the 80s and 90s, because as you mentioned, like that was tolerated, or CPS didn't really have strict guidelines on it where they would protect children.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:46.720
So I do think that a lot more of that was tolerated.
00:14:46.799 --> 00:15:00.159
So I'm sure there are people out there who had some degree of the belt, but I mean, I definitely think what you're explaining is a more extreme, you know, version of that that definitely could not, should not have been tolerated for children.
00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:06.720
Yeah, I'm curious, apart from that, just kind of looking at our families, what was your family like?
00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:08.639
Do you feel like you have some descriptors?
00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:13.039
Like, for example, some people can say right off the top of their head, my family was the loud family.
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:18.480
You know, if we went out to eat, we were so noisy, everyone, we were very boisterous, everyone was always talking.
00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:19.759
Were they affectionate?
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:21.200
Were they private?
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:24.480
Some people have families that are really conflict avoidant.
00:15:24.559 --> 00:15:31.759
And so they get to marriage and they don't even really understand how to have a healthy argument with their partner because they've never seen one.
00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:32.399
Yeah.
00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:38.480
So I mean, I think there are just so many different ways that families show up and that kids see them.
00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:39.200
Yeah.
00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:41.600
My family, for example, I'll start again.
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:45.919
Like I mentioned, one, the extended family, we were all kind of in everybody's business.
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:49.600
We all knew everything that was going on with everyone, kind of all the time.
00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:54.480
And then within my own household, my parents, and I always credit this to them being Latino.
00:15:54.559 --> 00:16:00.159
I also probably has a lot to do with the fact that they probably did not have healthy parenting themselves.
00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:02.080
Like they never had a good example to follow.
00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:02.399
Yeah.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:04.960
But they shouted and yelled a lot.
00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:07.919
That was how conflicts were faced in our house.
00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.720
They were faced head-on and they were faced really loudly.
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.039
And it could be very stressful.
00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:23.039
It could be just give you not like a very good sense of security because when everyone's yelling and there's so much, it's so emotionally charged.
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:23.440
Yeah.
00:16:23.679 --> 00:16:26.799
It makes you feel like, wait, are my parents okay?
00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:28.080
Are we gonna stay together?
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:29.519
Are they gonna get divorced?
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:32.720
Because you think fighting, and as a kid, your mind kind of jumps to divorce.
00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:34.159
Like, oh, my parents fight so much.
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:35.840
Yeah, they yell so much.
00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:36.639
I don't know.
00:16:36.799 --> 00:16:39.440
That was kind of us.
00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:48.720
Yeah, I'd say like when I think about my house, it was yeah, I mean, it was loud, but it was more like when I think about like it all, it was a very patriarchal home.
00:16:48.960 --> 00:16:57.039
Like it was very like I grew up in a glasshouse where everything had to be perfect, and my mom was essentially like a servant to like my dad.
00:16:57.519 --> 00:17:03.279
And so it was a very male patriarchal home where it was just nobody cares about your emotions, go cry to your pillow.
00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:11.440
You know, there was definitely, I mean, they would fight, but it was always like where my dad was the one who was telling her, You're wrong, what you did, you know, just like all of these is a huge thing.
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:12.480
He had the final say.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.200
Yeah, absolutely.
00:17:13.279 --> 00:17:16.559
I mean, my dad would put my mom like on a budget and be like, here's your cash for the month.
00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:17.839
This is all you get, you know.
00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:25.519
And my mom had to like stretch that over, you know, five kids, you know, and and running a household, but and she couldn't she could never buy anything for herself.
00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:27.440
It was a very patriarchal home.
00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:30.319
It was that would probably be the best way I could describe it.
00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:35.759
I always feel this is just me, but sometimes I feel like those types of financial restrictions also just feel like a form of abuse.
00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:43.519
Oh, it's because you're not allowing this person the freedom to spend the money on the things that they need or to allow themselves simple pleasures.
00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:43.920
Yeah.
00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:49.759
You know, that everything that you buy is monitored or questioned, or that you might have to explain for it later.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:50.480
For sure.
00:17:50.640 --> 00:18:01.440
Well, I think it instills like a sense of fear and like lack of value because I remember my parents got separated when I was a kid, and my mom, like, she finally like left, left because she was really over everything.
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:13.279
But my dad, and they're still together because my dad, even though my mom moved across the country with us and everything else, my dad had this way of making her feel like she had no value and she wouldn't be able to take care of us kids.
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:22.000
And so that's what he just preyed on for like over a year, you know, even though she like wanted a divorce and everything else, was like, you have no job, you have no skill, you can't do anything without me.
00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:23.920
And so she just got in her head and warned.
00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:28.559
And she just became afraid that, like, how am I gonna take care of my family and my children?
00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:30.640
Like, I have no other choice but to stay in this.
00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:31.680
That's so sad.
00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:35.039
Because I mean, in that sense, it really also does feel like she was a victim.
00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:35.519
Oh, absolutely.
00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:37.279
You know, she herself was a victim.
00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:38.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:39.039 --> 00:18:42.799
What about you, your role in the family?
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:45.599
Do you feel like you fell into a particular role?
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:48.000
Now, so there were five kids, and so it's a little bit bigger.
00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:55.920
I'm one of two, but you know, sometimes depending on how what your family dynamic is, there's someone who maybe falls into the role of the peacemaker, right?
00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:58.880
Because they just want to have stability and peace in their home.
00:18:59.039 --> 00:18:59.200
Yeah.
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:03.440
Sometimes someone has to become the responsible one who's got to help mom and dad.
00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:06.079
Maybe they get a job earlier, they're helping watch the younger kids.
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:06.480
Yeah.
00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:10.559
Me, I know for myself, I kind of like the overachiever.
00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:11.920
I'm the strong one.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:14.319
My brother was always very sensitive.
00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:23.440
And he just, you know, was, I guess just to put it an example, his nickname growing up, they always called him the worried sparrow.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:33.759
There was a little children's story about this like little sparrow that just sat in its little nest waiting for its mother to come back and had these worried little eyes, and it was just really sad, and you really felt bad for it.
00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:34.720
And that was him.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:40.880
He was the worried sparrow, where like my name was always the Chispita, which is like the spark, the little fire flame.
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:41.440
Yeah.
00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:44.880
And that was kind of the role that I stepped into.
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:48.720
He was sensitive and was kind of needed a little bit more of the attention.
00:19:48.799 --> 00:19:57.519
And so I had to become a little bit more of the stronger, independent one who didn't need anything from anyone, who would figure things out for themselves, who would be a little bit more bold.
00:19:57.759 --> 00:19:58.079
Yeah.
00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:00.160
That's kind of who we were as children in the home.
00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:07.680
Now, that's not to say that's still who we are as adults, but when we were younger, that was kind of the roles that we fell into.
00:20:07.920 --> 00:20:08.559
To your point, right?
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:10.400
There's like I'm one of five kids.
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:17.039
My my two oldest siblings left the house before they were 18 years old because they couldn't stand living in our house.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:24.720
Um so like my sister, so I've got, you know, an older brother, like, so he's the oldest, and he left the house when just before I think he turned 17.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:28.480
And then my sister left when she was 16 or 7.
00:20:28.720 --> 00:20:31.200
So around the similar ages, you know, but she's second.
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:36.960
Then there's my brother, Tyler, who she got pregnant with me, like after like he was like around for like a month.
00:20:37.119 --> 00:20:39.680
It was like very like Irish twins, right?
00:20:40.240 --> 00:20:46.559
And so he is what I would definitely consider the peacemaker of the house, still very much so is.
00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:56.079
And I think all of us as kids tried to like be in the background and not be present as much as we could, because it was so insanely hostile and toxic in our house.
00:20:56.160 --> 00:20:57.279
So we were all just like afraid.
00:20:57.359 --> 00:20:58.720
We lived in like a state of fear.
00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:10.960
But after my brother and my sister left the house, and then it was just my brother Tyler, myself, and then my little brother trended, and my mom started getting really sick, and so I was kind of forced into this caretaker role.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:14.240
And it was right around the time as I was supposed to be like leaving and going to college.
00:21:14.319 --> 00:21:20.319
And so I actually ended up having to stay back and like go to community college to help take care of him because my mom couldn't drive.
00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:22.799
My dad was too busy working to like do anything else.
00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:26.000
And so I got put in kind of like this caretaker role.
00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:30.720
And then also, I think as a woman in our house, now you need to help cook and you need to help clean and do the laundry and da-da-da.
00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:31.039
Right.
00:21:31.119 --> 00:21:32.960
And so you kind of are forced almost into this role.
00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:44.720
And so, really burdening a young person or child who is supposed to be able to explore and have a little bit of freedom because that's kind of your one time in your life when you get to, in general, experience some of those freedoms.
00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:50.960
Because once you become an adult, you learn all too soon of the burdens of adulthood and now needing to support yourself financially.
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:54.640
So, really getting forced to grow up kind of too soon.
00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:55.119
Yeah.
00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:56.960
Which is it's hard.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.759
Moving on from there, we've kind of looked back, reflected a little.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:02.160
Little bit on our childhoods and what those looked like.
00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:11.039
So for us, for the listener, let's start with thinking about the good things that we carry from our families.
00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:17.039
You know, I think that we don't always have to say that things were categorically all bad or all good.
00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:22.960
You know, you can recognize that there were good and loving moments, but these people still hurt you.
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:25.440
You know, or it wasn't perfect.
00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:36.960
So looking back on childhood, what sorts of things do you want to carry forward that you think these are things that I would actually like to bring into my own family with my own children?
00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:38.079
Yeah.
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:39.839
I mean, I think there's several things, right?
00:22:39.920 --> 00:22:48.559
Like I think we can all probably look at our lives knowing that everything that we've experienced in life has led us to who we are and where we are in life.
00:22:48.799 --> 00:22:55.519
And I'm very grateful for several things that have taken place in my life, whether they were good or bad, because they helped me become who I am today.
00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:59.759
But there were a few things as a child that actually were like the really good things, right?
00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:04.480
It's like when I think when there's such a contrast of like so good, so bad, you can really hold on to the good.
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:19.119
You know, I remember being a little kid, and this is before my mom, you know, really started to kind of change as a person, but she would leave us like these little notes under our pillow with like little like treats or little presents and just say, like, I love you so much, I'm so proud of you.
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:21.680
Or if you go on a trip, she'd like to leave us these little things.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:25.279
And so it's something I've always done with my kids, and my kids love that.
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:30.160
And for me, it's just special because it's just like a little way to let them know, like, I love them, you're seen, right?
00:23:30.240 --> 00:23:32.000
I'm proud of you, things like that.
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:40.799
So I feel like things like that, our family put like a big we were very poor for a long time as a child, and then my dad's business took off, and then we started going on like these great trips.
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:43.680
And for me, that's where we're like as a it felt like a family.
00:23:43.920 --> 00:23:45.680
Like, you know, people were happy, right?
00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:50.400
Even if it was just like a week, people were happy and there was like fun and like just good.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:52.000
So I really held on to those.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:24:04.079
And those are things for me, I think, especially as a working mom, I put a lot of emphasis on is like experiences and trips with my kids because life is so busy that I want to be able to take those times and press pause so that they have those memories.
00:24:04.400 --> 00:24:10.880
So I'm grateful for those because that's where I've put a lot of emphasis on my family, is like the experiences and the moments.
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:14.799
And so I think that those were great takeaways for me as a parent.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:18.559
Just for my own curiosity, how do you stick these little notes under their pillows?
00:24:18.640 --> 00:24:19.839
You go do it while they're asleep.
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:22.079
No, so I do it like if they're at school.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:25.200
So I like okay, I like right at hand, like little written cards.
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:31.440
Sometimes it's just like their favorite treat or snack, or it's a fun pair of socks, or just like, you know, this little outfit that they were looking at and really wanted.
00:24:31.599 --> 00:24:35.440
I'll just like buy things randomly and then I'll just like stick them under their pillows.
00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:39.680
And so it got to the point, actually, at one point I was doing it too much where it's like, hey, I never got anything today.
00:24:39.920 --> 00:24:41.359
That's not really how this works.
00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:41.920
You know?
00:24:42.240 --> 00:24:43.519
That's actually really cute though.
00:24:43.599 --> 00:24:47.440
So how did I'm just so curious, how did they know to go start looking for them?
00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:50.160
Did you tell them one day, like, hey, there might be something under your pillow?
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:52.319
No, they would just like go get ready for bed.
00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:54.559
So they we used to do this all the time when they were little.
00:24:54.640 --> 00:24:58.319
They're not so great at now that they're like teenagers, but I would make them make their bed every day.
00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:04.480
And so then they'd like pull back their sheets and like, you know, their pillows, and then they're like the card and the gift would be right underneath their like decorative pillow.
00:25:04.720 --> 00:25:05.359
Oh, see, that's cute.
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:09.039
Yes, we've never had the beds made almost never.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:09.920
Do we do that?
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:11.519
So I'll just put that out there.
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:11.839
Yeah.
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:14.640
So I'm like, how would my children find these said things?
00:25:15.599 --> 00:25:22.480
Probably be covered under stuffies and their little mountain of clothes that they probably took off after school.
00:25:22.799 --> 00:25:22.960
Okay.
00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:25.200
Oh no, I just I think that's really cute.
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:31.039
You know, for me, I really just loved, like I was talking about those Friday nights that we used to send with my grandma.
00:25:31.119 --> 00:25:33.759
Those were the most special times in my life.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:44.480
I still look back on them so warmly, just knowing that all of my family took time out of their week every single week to go see their mom, their grandma, and spend time with her.
00:25:44.640 --> 00:25:50.000
So it's this feeling of loving to be with your family and viewing family as friends.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:50.319
Yeah.
00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:54.960
You know, I remember growing up and asking my mom, you know, about her friends.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:26:00.079
And she would say, Yeah, I've got some friends at work, but really my sisters are my friends and my cousins are my friends.
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:01.599
I just love them so much.
00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:07.039
And she did, you know, we'd go to grandma's house and we'd sit and they'd just laugh and laugh and laugh.
00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:13.839
And they would just catch up and tell about their weeks and say whatever funny stories had happened or whatever crazy thing their kids had done.
00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:15.119
And it was just so much fun.
00:26:15.200 --> 00:26:18.799
It wasn't like we were sitting around gossiping, being toxic.
00:26:18.880 --> 00:26:24.720
It was just that everyone was just laughing about sharing about their weeks and whatever the crazy dog did, you know?
00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:26.319
It was super fun.
00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:33.119
That's one of the things that kind of makes me sad about my current life situation is that my kids don't have cousins and we don't live close to family.
00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:40.319
My family all lives in the hometown where I grew up, and my brother lives in a different city, and so they don't get to do that.
00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:47.519
And that makes me really sad because that was so important to me, and I loved it so much, and it just always made me feel so grounded with my family.
00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:51.440
But we move forward and I try and make my own traditions with my kids.
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:56.880
But yeah, that was something really special that I definitely always want to carry forward.
00:26:57.119 --> 00:26:58.559
Yeah, I think that makes sense.
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:01.599
Family is like there's it's something kind of soulful, right?
00:27:01.680 --> 00:27:05.039
Like with your family, like it just it's a little bit more deeply rooted.
00:27:05.920 --> 00:27:15.279
And then I mean, we can move into something that is a little bit heavier, and it is what things have you been deliberate to not carry into your family?
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:22.319
You know, what things have you so carefully said, like, no, I don't want this actually in my home, and I'm gonna change this pattern.
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:27.519
Yeah, I can very proudly say that I have only spanked one of my children once.
00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:30.319
I've never ever put my hands on my kids ever, ever.
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:38.160
And it was one time I was previously married, my ex-husband was deployed, and my oldest was two.
00:27:38.480 --> 00:27:40.240
Yeah, I think he's just over two.
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:45.359
He got really good at letting himself out the front door, which is like just letting it scary, which is terrifying, right?
00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:48.240
And he would do it one of the least opportune times, as always, right?
00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:48.880
Naturally.
00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:53.200
And so I had to install like these really high locks like on top of our door, right?
00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:54.559
Like the safety kind of ones.
00:27:54.960 --> 00:28:02.240
But the chains, I was in the shower and I just I had the door open, and his little baby brother was like sleeping, and so it was very quiet.
00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:04.240
I turned on a show for him, but it was very quiet.
00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:13.680
So I would wake up the sibling and his little brother, and I just remember hearing like I put this chime on on top of the door, too, because and so I heard this ding-ding, and I was just I'm in the middle of the shower.
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:15.039
Yeah, I'm like, oh my god.
00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:17.519
I'm like, either someone just came in or he let himself out.
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:22.640
And so I ran out to the front door and he had gotten a stool and like let himself out.
00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:26.880
And I had like a towel wrapped around me, and he was running into the street and a car almost hit him.
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:30.079
And I grabbed him and I swatted him on the bum.
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:33.039
I'm like, you can never do this again.
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:37.759
And just the look on his face, Krista, like was just complete shock.
00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:41.039
And I remember thinking that was not the, you know what I mean?
00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:44.319
But I was so afraid, and I just felt this need to like, don't ever do this again.
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:47.200
Yes, to really instill that this is not okay.
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:51.039
Yeah, and that's the only time I've ever put my hands on any of my kids.
00:28:51.119 --> 00:29:00.079
And that's I feel like that's like my biggest like win in life, is that I have not perpetuated like this state of physical abuse that was carried on.
00:29:00.319 --> 00:29:08.720
And I try to give my parents grace that they did the best they can, but I also looking at like my my dad's siblings, there were several of them that broke that cycle.
00:29:08.799 --> 00:29:10.880
So it was kind of like a choice on their part, too, right?
00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:21.440
Yes, but that's definitely something where for myself, I've worked very hard to be a continual cycle breaker in my life from the things that were put into my life that are not going to pass down to my children.
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:22.000
Yeah.
00:29:22.240 --> 00:29:23.519
I mean, that's a good one.
00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:26.000
There are a lot of things that you choose to do differently.
00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:27.759
And I really credit my mom.
00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:29.440
She did a really great job with what she could.
00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:31.839
My dad was, I love my dad.
00:29:31.920 --> 00:29:36.079
He's a good person, but he just was a very absent father.
00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:39.599
I would say he wasn't an emotionally available father.
00:29:39.839 --> 00:29:41.119
He lived in our house.
00:29:41.359 --> 00:29:45.119
My parents didn't divorce until I was in college in my 20s.
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:52.880
So he was always there, but I think that he just had not had any sort of healthy parenting in his life.
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:56.000
He didn't have a probably a good attachment with his parents.
00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:58.480
They, I think he was kind of neglected as a kid.
00:29:58.559 --> 00:30:01.119
I know he, you know, suffered some abuse.
00:30:01.440 --> 00:30:05.599
So he just, I think, really didn't know how to parent or how to be there for his children.
00:30:05.759 --> 00:30:12.480
So it really always just felt like my brother and I were competing for my mom's love and affection and attention, right?
00:30:12.559 --> 00:30:14.880
Because it was, we were really only getting it from her.
00:30:15.039 --> 00:30:19.359
So I felt like there was this kind of competition to need to get it.
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:23.519
And that's one of the things where I feel so grateful that my children have two parents in their life.
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:29.759
So they have, you know, if one parent is busy, they can go to the other parent, or we can both give them affection.
00:30:29.839 --> 00:30:34.079
We can both give them love and attention, where I just didn't feel like that was the case in our household.
00:30:34.480 --> 00:30:43.359
And so I think for my kids moving on one, it's really important to me that they feel like they have an excess of love and attention from both their parents.
00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:52.640
And then also I try to be really intentional about making sure that I am treating both of my kids equally, you know, and giving them equal love and attention.
00:30:52.880 --> 00:30:55.279
As I mentioned, my brother, he is very sensitive.
00:30:55.359 --> 00:30:58.640
He and my mom definitely get along very easily.
00:30:58.960 --> 00:31:01.039
I was the spicier one.
00:31:01.200 --> 00:31:08.000
I was the one that definitely caused more conflict, probably caused my mom more gray hair because of my personality.
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:09.759
And I totally understand that.
00:31:09.839 --> 00:31:10.880
That's who I am.
00:31:11.039 --> 00:31:20.880
But I do think then that that lent to a little bit more strife in my relationship with her, where her relationship with my brother was more peaceful and more easygoing.
00:31:21.039 --> 00:31:33.599
And so I think, you know, in a family like my children have, if I'd had my dad in those moments when I had conflict with my mom or was being too spicy so that we just really couldn't connect, I would have had a dad where I could have been connected with.
00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:40.640
But because I didn't have that, there was just kind of this gap or this space where my brother really didn't cause her much conflict at all.
00:31:40.799 --> 00:31:44.000
So they had, you know, a really nice, nurturing relationship.
00:31:44.319 --> 00:31:45.039
A lot easier.
00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:45.359
Yeah.
00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:46.319
More simple.
00:31:46.559 --> 00:31:48.319
And again, I know that she loves me so much.
00:31:48.400 --> 00:31:49.359
She does so much for me.
00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:52.160
She's so selfless and she's always been so selfless.
00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:54.799
She always puts me and my brother first.
00:31:54.960 --> 00:31:57.599
Her main objective is that she wants to see us succeed.
00:31:58.000 --> 00:32:00.720
She wants us to be able to reach our dreams.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:03.359
And she is such an active participant in that.
00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:13.359
I think, though, now that I am married and have my two kids and have a partner who can also give them attention, I just am so mindful that they both always feel like their cups are filled.
00:32:13.519 --> 00:32:13.759
Yeah.
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:15.839
Yeah, I think that's interesting too.
00:32:15.920 --> 00:32:26.880
Cause I think it also like it sparks that whole being aware as not just like as a child, but as like a parent as your parenting and taking that and not only just wanting to apply it and do better, right?
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:30.079
Because she obviously did the best she could and she is continuing to do so.
00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:34.000
But I think it's also recognizing when we do make mistakes and apologizing.
00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:36.799
Cause I think that's something that I never had as a kid.
00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:39.119
And so it kind of felt like our parents were infallible.
00:32:39.359 --> 00:32:40.000
Was the what's the word?
00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:40.799
Yeah, infallible.
00:32:41.039 --> 00:32:41.279
Thank you.
00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:42.640
I can't even speak.
00:32:42.799 --> 00:32:47.599
But it led to that feeling of adults are always right, kids are always wrong.
00:32:47.839 --> 00:33:01.200
And then as my life has changed, it's this huge realization as like when you have little kids and you make mistakes, like you know, spanking them or saying something that's unkind or hurtful or embarrassed, whatever it is, is just taking that opportunity to apologize.
00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:04.880
Yes, and let them know like I am totally capable of making mistakes.
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:06.160
I make mistakes every day.
00:33:06.319 --> 00:33:07.839
This is the first time I'm parenting.
00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:09.839
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:12.079
And I am just trying because I think it's hard.
00:33:12.160 --> 00:33:19.440
Like, you know, we've got four kids, yeah, and it's so hard to, I mean, each of them needs their own thing, right?
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:20.640
They're all so different.
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:24.799
And so you try to parent them each kind of like fairly equally, right?
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:26.720
But it's everyone requires something different.
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:32.480
So you have to make sure that one of them doesn't feel left out or that someone's getting something more than the other.
00:33:32.720 --> 00:33:33.039
Definitely.
00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:34.880
And so I think that's that's a hard thing to do.
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:41.359
But I think as long as you're vocal about the emotions and being apologetic and when you make mistakes, I think that's a huge thing.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:43.200
And that's definitely something we've tried to do.
00:33:43.359 --> 00:33:47.200
Well, and that's just such a huge point, right there, is that as parents, we are all just figuring this out.
00:33:47.279 --> 00:33:49.279
Yeah, there really is no manual for this.
00:33:49.359 --> 00:33:52.640
There are books, there are, you can get counseling, there are tools to help you.
00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:57.680
But I mean, when it comes down to it, in the moment, you're just doing the best that you can.
00:33:57.759 --> 00:33:57.920
Yeah.
00:33:58.079 --> 00:34:00.000
And honestly, that is the same for our parents.
00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:03.920
They were doing the best they could, they were doing the best they could with what they had.
00:34:04.880 --> 00:34:08.880
You know, it's possible that they opted to not use some of the tools that were available to them.
00:34:09.119 --> 00:34:09.760
Absolutely.
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:12.559
And that has caused its own set of problems.
00:34:12.719 --> 00:34:16.719
And just as you're saying, like it is so important for us to apologize to our children.
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:17.280
Yeah.
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:21.360
I don't know if that just wasn't a thing back then, if there just wasn't that awareness.
00:34:21.599 --> 00:34:26.719
You know, because I can't say that that's something when I talk to adult friends that was common in their childhood.
00:34:27.119 --> 00:34:34.159
Because I talk to a lot of adults now who have children that say, Oh no, I make a point to sit down and apologize to my kids or to tell them I made a mistake.
00:34:34.239 --> 00:34:34.559
Yeah.
00:34:34.719 --> 00:34:38.639
And they are all doing that now because that was not something that was done for them.
00:34:38.800 --> 00:34:47.519
And they want to make sure to take ownership and to let their kids see that we all make mistakes and that we don't always get it right and that we're sorry when we mess up.
00:34:47.840 --> 00:34:48.000
Yeah.
00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:48.880
No, absolutely.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:55.280
I think that's it's a common theme, I feel like, between our generation is there's this continual cycle breaking that seems to be happening.
00:34:55.360 --> 00:35:08.880
And if you really have these conversations with others, everybody seems to be doing very similar things in terms of trying to break whatever it was that they experienced in their home that they don't want to ever perpetuate, which is I think very different than the generations before.
00:35:09.119 --> 00:35:10.320
Why, I don't know.
00:35:10.559 --> 00:35:11.440
But uh yeah.
00:35:11.599 --> 00:35:12.880
Yeah, maybe more enlightenment.
00:35:12.960 --> 00:35:13.440
I don't know.
00:35:13.519 --> 00:35:13.840
Yeah.
00:35:14.079 --> 00:35:19.599
Or maybe just less stigma around counseling and those sorts of things and admitting that you have a problem.
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:20.159
Yeah.
00:35:20.320 --> 00:35:20.800
I don't know.
00:35:21.039 --> 00:35:21.199
Yeah.
00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:25.199
Maybe it all goes back to episode one of now we can just say actually I'm not okay.
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:27.199
And back then people didn't feel like they could.
00:35:27.360 --> 00:35:27.599
True.
00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:28.159
Who knows?
00:35:28.320 --> 00:35:28.880
True.
00:35:29.199 --> 00:35:39.119
But I just want to give you a little space to talk because I know that talking about family is something that you and I have talked about a lot offline, just through our own friendship as we've gotten to know each other.
00:35:39.440 --> 00:35:45.039
And as we're talking about family, I think it makes sense to talk about every aspect of it.
00:35:45.119 --> 00:35:49.760
And there becomes a time sometimes when family is too toxic to maintain a relationship.
00:35:49.920 --> 00:35:50.159
Yeah.
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:52.880
And I know that that's something that you've had to deal with in your life.
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:55.519
And I don't know if that's something you want to talk a little bit about.
00:35:55.920 --> 00:35:56.960
Sure, sure.
00:35:57.199 --> 00:36:01.119
You know, I think it's a really hard decision for people to make.
00:36:01.440 --> 00:36:02.159
You know this.
00:36:02.320 --> 00:36:05.679
But you know, I went through a really horrible divorce.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:12.400
And like I mentioned before, my therapist was the one who really helped me realize you married a piece of a piece of shit because you were raised by one.
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:17.039
And she just looked, I remember her looking at me and being like, You need to cut them out of your life.
00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:18.000
This is not healthy for you.
00:36:18.079 --> 00:36:19.199
It's not healthy for your children.
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:24.239
You are leaving this man for a reason, and your father's the exact same and your mom's become that way.
00:36:24.400 --> 00:36:29.599
And it was a really hard time to make that decision because I was a single parent.
00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:38.000
They were letting me live in their home until my dad told me, like, you can't work, you're an unfit mother for working, and you need to do what I say and live in my house, or else you have no place to live.
00:36:38.079 --> 00:36:40.239
And I said, Great, deuces, goodbye.
00:36:40.480 --> 00:36:46.400
And I went on to basically be homeless for two months and live in my brother's tough shed while I like got my life together.
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:46.960
Yes.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:52.480
So it's like this time when you would need family the most is when you had no family.
00:36:52.719 --> 00:37:00.880
And then they continued for two years to just create so many problems in my legal custody battle for my children.
00:37:01.199 --> 00:37:06.639
Where just they did the most toxic, horrible things that a family could do.
00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:13.760
I think for me, it was just like this huge reality shift point because at the same time I was dating my husband.
00:37:13.920 --> 00:37:21.360
And again, like that's for for me, it was this huge eye-opening of like, this is what normal family looks like, and this is what not normal family looks like, right?
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:26.639
And his family, well, they would come into the courts and just pack the benches and just show up out of love.
00:37:27.119 --> 00:37:27.679
That's so sweet.
00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:41.679
And just like this amazing state where, you know, like there's this their son who has never been married before, you know, is a successful dentist, and he's dating this woman with three tiny children, one of which is almost a brand new baby.
00:37:41.760 --> 00:37:44.239
And I've got this custody battle of hell going on.
00:37:44.320 --> 00:37:49.920
And meanwhile, my dad is showing up on my ex-husband's side, you know, having my mom withdraw.
00:37:50.960 --> 00:37:53.280
Just like just all of these terrible things that were going on.
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:59.280
And I think for me, it was just this moment of like, I don't want this toxicity in my life anymore.
00:37:59.440 --> 00:38:02.159
The energy, it was so draining, it was so horrible.
00:38:02.239 --> 00:38:06.480
And you know, the way I look at my kids is there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my kids.
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:18.159
And somehow there was this alternate perspective where for him, it was like, if you don't do what I say, don't, you know, do what I say, do what I, you know, all the things, it's like this is constant like dictatorship, essentially.
00:38:18.320 --> 00:38:21.599
If it's like if it wasn't his way, it was not the way.
00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:21.920
Yeah.
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:24.159
And if you didn't toe the line, then you're cut off.
00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:25.360
And he did well financially.
00:38:25.440 --> 00:38:28.320
And so it was like, well, I'll give you anything that you want as long as you do what I say.
00:38:28.400 --> 00:38:30.639
And that's not how I was willing to live my life anymore.
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:32.000
Yeah, such a manipulation.
00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:34.719
Very, very manipulative, very narcissistic.
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:40.320
And so I think that was for me was this huge like breaking point of I don't want you in my life anymore.
00:38:40.400 --> 00:38:42.400
I don't want you in my kids' lives anymore.
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:57.440
And that ended up growing into not being able to have relationships with my siblings for over 10 years either, because I made the conscious choice to cut up my parents, but they weren't able to at that point, despite the fact that they all knew that they were toxic and their their spouses knew that they were toxic.
00:38:57.599 --> 00:38:59.360
Yeah, but everyone has to reach it on their own.
00:38:59.599 --> 00:39:00.320
Yeah, exactly.
00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:07.440
And I think when you have someone, you know, being willing to help pay for things and do things for you and take you on trips and do all these things, you know, it's hard to cut that off.
00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:08.159
And it's hard.
00:39:08.320 --> 00:39:18.079
I remember when I was going through my custody battle, the guardian ad lightum at the time, if you've ever gone through custody stuff, you know how intense it can be when you have like courts involved and things like that.
00:39:18.239 --> 00:39:35.920
But the guardian ad lightum, who was involved, who was helping with supervised visits with my ex-husband, basically said, like, even the most abusive cases she has ever seen, those children always seek to have relationships with those abusers, with the parents, because it's just like this innate desire to be with their own.
00:39:36.239 --> 00:39:37.679
Children want to be with their parents.
00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:38.320
Yeah.
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:38.719
Yeah.
00:39:38.800 --> 00:39:42.000
And so I think it's a, I think it's a really hard thing to do.
00:39:42.239 --> 00:39:45.440
It was the very best thing I could have ever done.
00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:51.760
And we, you know, we spent the past 12 years of just no interaction other than when they would try to contact me.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:39:57.519
And that's why I had to cut my siblings out because I would maintain a relationship with them, but then they would turn around and share information with my parents.
00:39:57.599 --> 00:40:03.280
And then my parents would then send us hate emails and voicemails and call my husband's at work and my brokerage and all these things.
00:40:03.519 --> 00:40:08.880
So, you know, I had to unfortunately distance myself from them too, which was the hardest thing to do.
00:40:09.119 --> 00:40:16.800
You know, and then a few weeks ago we had an insane tragedy in our family and had to bury several family members at once.
00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:20.000
And it's the first time I had seen my siblings in over 10 years.
00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:20.960
That's wild.
00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:22.800
And it was really intense.
00:40:23.119 --> 00:40:26.079
But at the same time, most of them have cut my parents out.
00:40:26.159 --> 00:40:28.559
So we're all kind of going back, and I had no idea.
00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:29.840
And so we were all going back.
00:40:29.920 --> 00:40:33.760
But it was like this moment of wow, I'm not the only one that's got here.
00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:34.159
Yeah.
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:38.559
And did you feel like you were able to kind of help them with their grieving process?
00:40:38.639 --> 00:40:40.320
Is it newer or fresher with them?
00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:45.039
Or has it been a few years and you just weren't aware because you haven't really been in contact with them?
00:40:45.280 --> 00:40:46.159
It's a mixture of both.
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:52.079
Like my oldest brother, Tommy, I think he has this insane desire just to have my dad just validate him, right?
00:40:52.159 --> 00:40:55.280
Like he's always had this need to like just please my dad, make my dad.
00:40:55.599 --> 00:40:57.199
That's really common for oldest boys.
00:40:57.360 --> 00:40:57.679
Yeah, especially.
00:40:57.920 --> 00:40:59.280
And for a boy in his family.
00:40:59.519 --> 00:40:59.760
Yeah.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:03.440
And so I think, like, you know, he cut my parents out, I guess, about two years ago.
00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.679
And then same with my sister, but I didn't know any of this.
00:41:05.840 --> 00:41:13.199
And then my other brother, who's just above me, just recently, you know, moved across the country for his benefit of his family.
00:41:13.440 --> 00:41:20.079
But it was interesting because even talking to them, like when I showed up for the services, I had no intention of interacting with my parents at all.
00:41:20.239 --> 00:41:22.320
Like for me, I've I've grieved them already.
00:41:22.480 --> 00:41:24.719
Like, you know, like that that relationship is gone.
00:41:24.880 --> 00:41:28.480
In my mind, they it sounds horrible, but they're kind of dead to me, right?
00:41:28.559 --> 00:41:30.719
Like I just have nothing left for them.
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:36.159
My siblings, you know, they showed up and they were like in their space and in like their home and doing all these things.
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:38.800
And in my mind, I'm like, that's that energy I just don't want in my life.
00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:39.119
Yeah.
00:41:39.199 --> 00:41:42.000
So I had those conversations with them while we were there.
00:41:42.079 --> 00:41:44.960
And my sister is very much so going through it right now.
00:41:45.199 --> 00:41:48.159
And when we left the, and so her and I had great conversations.
00:41:48.320 --> 00:42:06.559
And when we left the funeral and everything else, her and I have been texting back and forth, and she sent me these screenshots of messages that my mom had sent to her, and they were just horrible and they were mean, and just everything that my mom has always done, you know, since she's kind of transitioned as the wonderful warm mom she was.
00:42:06.639 --> 00:42:09.280
And when you're in that toxic environment, it kind of just changes you.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:12.079
And so she's become another version of my dad.
00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:14.480
And so she sent my sister these awful messages.
00:42:14.639 --> 00:42:19.599
And so that the space that I had to create was really hard for some of my siblings to understand.
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:23.199
And so I messaged her back and I was like, I, you know, I want to ask you something.
00:42:23.280 --> 00:42:25.199
Like, honestly, how did that make you feel?
00:42:25.360 --> 00:42:30.000
Those moments that those messages came in, like, how did that make you feel inside?
00:42:30.159 --> 00:42:30.400
Right.
00:42:30.559 --> 00:42:38.880
Like, I just like trying to get to like the root of that kind of like central nervous system aspect of what it does to you, that kind of negative energy.
00:42:38.960 --> 00:42:41.679
And she just, I mean, she said exactly what like we had talked about.
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:49.519
Like this was just so just like that immediate like feeling inside of anger, like intense like pain, just all of these things.
00:42:49.599 --> 00:42:52.639
And I was like, that's that right there is exactly why I've cut them out of my life.
00:42:52.719 --> 00:42:54.400
And she said, I just blocked all of them.
00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:55.280
She's like, I'm done.
00:42:55.440 --> 00:43:03.840
I'm done, like for good, you know, because she was trying to, I think, maybe make amends given like the recent passing of everybody and yeah, use it as a moment to kind of build a bridge.
00:43:04.079 --> 00:43:04.480
Yeah, yeah.
00:43:04.559 --> 00:43:09.039
And I think she realized there's no amount of anything here that's going to change them.
00:43:09.119 --> 00:43:14.719
You know, they're in their late 60s and they've been this way since we were tiny babies, and they have no desire to change.
00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:16.239
They don't see it as wrong.
00:43:16.400 --> 00:43:23.599
And I think that that was for me this huge moment of I don't want to call it like validation, but just kind of like a confirmation, I guess, right?
00:43:23.679 --> 00:43:26.239
Where I looked at that and I was like, not is it just me?
00:43:26.400 --> 00:43:28.800
I've got a sister, I've got a brother, I've got another, you know.
00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:35.360
I mean, it's we've got unfortunately one brother who just can't seem to help himself, and he seems to be turning into my father, unfortunately.
00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:49.440
But yeah, I think that's one of those hard things, also that with having a family member who's still alive, kind of as you mentioned, like if someone is dead, you can grieve the loss, and but you know that that was all it was ever gonna be because now the time for redemption is done.
00:43:49.599 --> 00:43:50.320
They've passed.
00:43:50.719 --> 00:43:56.960
But when someone is still alive, I think there can be this element of grieving the thought that they could still change.
00:43:57.119 --> 00:43:59.760
Yes, you know, and so I think there can still be.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:06.239
The hope or the expectation that they might change and you might get the relationship that you hoped for or wanted.
00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:14.639
And so that's its own grieving process, you know, that it sounds like you've made the decision because you you had the proof that you needed.
00:44:14.719 --> 00:44:14.960
Yeah.
00:44:15.119 --> 00:44:18.800
You saw everything you needed to see to make a decision for yourself and for your family.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:22.880
And just yeah, but even still, like I said, like in my mind, like I grieved them.
00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:26.159
I came to terms that like if they were to pass away, I wouldn't go to their funerals.
00:44:26.239 --> 00:44:27.599
Like it wasn't anything that I would need.
00:44:27.679 --> 00:44:31.440
But then, like, two years, my mom suffered with multiple rounds of cancer.
00:44:31.599 --> 00:44:36.079
And about two years ago, I got a message over the holidays that she was quote unquote about to die.
00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:36.480
Right.
00:44:36.639 --> 00:44:39.039
And like they're going on like a family cruise, anyways.
00:44:39.119 --> 00:44:41.119
But just it really hit for some reason.
00:44:41.360 --> 00:44:45.920
I was just like, man, like I thought I had processed this and I had come to terms with it.
00:44:46.239 --> 00:44:47.760
It just really destroyed me.
00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:55.519
And so I was just like, man, like I just because in my mind, I still remember, Krista, like when my mom was like, she was the mom that would put the messages under our pillow.
00:44:55.679 --> 00:44:59.920
Like I remember my mom like multiple times when she ran away from my dad, but she couldn't stake on, right?
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.840
And so I remember the good human that she was, and now that that person is gone.
00:45:04.320 --> 00:45:12.079
And so I think for me in that moment, it was this moment of wanting to just like give her one more opportunity for grace, right?
00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:18.480
And just like, and I've given her that grace, but more just like maybe healing, like if I wasn't gonna be able to say goodbye or something, right?
00:45:18.559 --> 00:45:22.000
And so I sent her a message of like, hey, I heard you're really sick.
00:45:22.079 --> 00:45:25.519
I'm really sorry, you know, just like this, like it was a message of love and care.
00:45:25.679 --> 00:45:26.880
And I hadn't spoken to her and like.
00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:32.880
Yeah, exactly.
00:45:33.039 --> 00:45:47.039
And the way that she responded was very much so the same way she just sent messages to my sister, and it was mean and it was hurtful and cold and just intentionally, intentionally, so just like just to dig at me and hurt me.
00:45:47.679 --> 00:45:50.880
And I remember being like, what the fuck was I thinking?
00:45:51.039 --> 00:45:56.639
Like, this is exactly why I've cut you out of my life, and thank you for confirming why I want nothing to do with that.
00:45:56.880 --> 00:45:58.320
Really validated your decision.
00:45:58.559 --> 00:45:59.599
Yeah, yeah.
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:03.840
I mean, that's heavy, but family can be really heavy.
00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:11.760
This is adulthood, and it's learning to deal with all of the shit that happens in real life.
00:46:11.920 --> 00:46:15.679
Yeah, you know, and as a kid, I think we just don't see it all.
00:46:15.840 --> 00:46:29.199
It takes all of these years of walking in real life to see people for who they truly are, to see relationships for what they truly were, to look at a situation and really be able to break it down and understand it.
00:46:29.360 --> 00:46:29.599
Yeah.
00:46:29.760 --> 00:46:34.159
You know, and I think we'll start to draw this episode to a close.
00:46:34.480 --> 00:46:45.039
And I think as you, you know, as you look back at your own family, as we look back at our families, I think in growing up, it's not always about just making a simple decision that our family was good or bad.
00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:50.960
You know, you can't ever tie things up that simply because there is a little bit of both in everything.
00:46:51.119 --> 00:46:55.039
And so I think for us, it's really just learning to look at it honestly.
00:46:55.599 --> 00:47:06.880
And then as we'll do in our next episode, it's kind of deciding for yourself what to do with that situation now that you've had a look at it and figured it out, you know, or or are working to figure it out.
00:47:07.039 --> 00:47:08.320
How do you move forward?
00:47:08.559 --> 00:47:11.760
How do you maintain or not maintain those relationships?
00:47:11.840 --> 00:47:17.840
What boundaries do you put in place to protect yourself and the family that you're now building, that you're growing for yourself?
00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:19.280
How do you keep your peace?
00:47:19.440 --> 00:47:19.760
Yeah.
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:20.239
You know?
00:47:20.400 --> 00:47:20.559
Yeah.
00:47:20.639 --> 00:47:23.119
Well, I think a lot of that also comes just from life experience, right?
00:47:23.199 --> 00:47:24.800
Like you don't know what you don't know when you're a child.
00:47:24.880 --> 00:47:25.119
Yes.
00:47:25.280 --> 00:47:25.440
Right.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:29.199
And then, like, the more you grow, the more exposure you have to life and people and families.
00:47:29.280 --> 00:47:35.119
You kind of start to it gives you like a moment to press pause and like reevaluate and kind of see everything as the whole thing.
00:47:37.360 --> 00:47:37.760
Yeah.
00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:40.079
And so I think we're gonna leave it there.
00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:41.840
Everyone has their own experience.
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:47.920
I'm sure that, listener, your family is different than the families that we described here.
00:47:48.079 --> 00:47:49.679
Every family is nuanced.
00:47:49.840 --> 00:47:52.960
And I think just sit with it, just reflect on it.
00:47:53.119 --> 00:48:09.599
And next week we'll get more into the topic in talking about, I mean, for ourselves, the decisions that we've made for ourselves now as we're growing our families, and you can do the same, you know, reflect on what decisions you've made for yourself to keep your peace in your life.
00:48:09.840 --> 00:48:17.440
So we are so happy that you took the time to sit here with us, to unpack with us, to reflect with us.
00:48:17.679 --> 00:48:22.320
And we hope that you have a great week and that you will be back with us next week for more.
00:48:22.480 --> 00:48:26.239
So in the meantime, just stay messy and we will talk to you next week.
00:48:26.639 --> 00:48:26.960
Bye.
00:48:28.239 --> 00:48:30.239
Thanks for listening to Messy as Hell.
00:48:30.400 --> 00:48:32.800
Until next time, stay messy.
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:11.199
If I had a dollar for every time that I had to change in my car when going from a kids' event to some sort of city council event or gala, I mean, I would have at least$100.
00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:13.839
It is ridiculous.
00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:16.320
I know it's ridiculous.
00:00:16.559 --> 00:00:21.519
This weekend, my son had a soccer game, I don't know, like 30 minutes away from home.
00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:25.440
And my husband was working, my mom was watching my daughter.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:26.960
I had to go to a gala.
00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:31.280
And so I had my husband after he woke up from his nap, came to pick up my son.
00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:35.119
I had to leave directly from there to go to my gala.
00:00:35.359 --> 00:00:38.000
So I had my dress and my shoes and my makeup all in the car.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:45.439
And I just like looked around in the parking lot, made sure no one was coming, opened the front door, opened the back door, kind of sandwiched myself in between.
00:00:45.840 --> 00:00:47.280
You got out and you just wasn't in the car.
00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:48.000
Well, yes.
00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:52.479
I have changed into my dresses in the car before, but it's so complicated.
00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:53.359
It's so challenging.
00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:55.679
Then I get so sweaty and I'm gonna like tear the dress.
00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:57.280
This time I was like, fuck it.
00:00:57.359 --> 00:00:58.479
I don't have energy for this.
00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:00.240
I'm just gonna change outside real quick.
00:01:00.719 --> 00:01:01.039
Quick.
00:01:01.119 --> 00:01:02.640
It was under 10 seconds.
00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:04.079
So that's impressive.
00:01:04.239 --> 00:01:07.200
I did that when I came back from the funeral last weekend.
00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:13.680
I like drove straight from the funeral and like three and a half hours to like the football game for my oldest son.
00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:16.239
And I'm in like a black dress, right?
00:01:16.319 --> 00:01:16.959
With like heels.
00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:18.560
I'm like, I'm not rolling up into the football.
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:19.519
Like, you know what I mean?
00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:26.480
So I like I pulled out some leggings and like a t-shirt, whatever, and like I pulled into that school parking lot and like I laid my seat all the way down.
00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:27.200
Exactly.
00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:29.439
And I'm like shimmying as like cars are pulling in.
00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:30.560
I'm like, nobody can see me.
00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:31.840
I'm like lying down, it's fine.
00:01:32.159 --> 00:01:33.359
So uncomfortable though, right?
00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:37.680
Especially if you're wearing something tight to try and shimmy out of it in the front seat.
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:38.079
Yeah.
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:39.599
I've done that way too many times.
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:44.400
I'm sure I've got two more years left of my term, so I'm sure that wasn't the last time I'm gonna do it.
00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:47.280
But anyway, let's launch into the podcast.
00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:50.799
Welcome to Messy as Hell with Krista and Kim.
00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:54.159
No filters, no fixes, just real life.
00:01:54.480 --> 00:01:55.840
Welcome to Messy as Hell.
00:01:55.920 --> 00:01:56.319
I'm Krista.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:57.120
I'm Kim.
00:01:57.280 --> 00:01:59.359
And we're so happy you're here with us today.
00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:04.159
Thank you for hanging in with us last week as we did our little bandwidth mini episode.
00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:08.080
We're back today, hopefully, somewhat recharged and re-energized.
00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:08.800
What would you say?
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:10.080
Where what's your bandwidth meter?
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:12.479
My whoop and my ring told me I had a great night's sleep.
00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:14.560
So let's hope that that carries into the day.
00:02:14.879 --> 00:02:15.919
We're off to a great start.
00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:16.479
I'll take it.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:20.479
I, well, I'm not off to such a great start, and I'll tell you about it in my messy moments.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:22.479
So maybe we just go straight into it.
00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:22.960
Let's hear it.
00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:28.159
I mean, we are just kicking off the week, and I am already so discompopulated.
00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:29.280
It's so problematic.
00:02:29.520 --> 00:02:33.759
So for my messy moment this morning, I'll just tell you about my morning.
00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:36.879
I had a city council function this morning.
00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:42.240
My husband worked last night, so he isn't available to help out with the kids because his shift is like nine to nine.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:45.439
So he doesn't get home with his commute until 10 a.m.
00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:48.240
So I had to get the kids up and going to school.
00:02:48.479 --> 00:02:50.080
But I had to be at this event at eight.
00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:51.919
So I was like, okay, I'm gonna set my alarm early.
00:02:52.000 --> 00:03:01.360
I'll get up, I'll take a shower, I'll wake the kids up early, and then I'll kind of rush them out the door, I'll get them to before care, and then we'll go to the event.
00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:02.960
And they were great.
00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:10.400
They were troopers, they got up, they got dressed, they, you know, we had a little breakfast to go, but they're like, Mama, why do we have to go so early?
00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:11.759
Mama, I'm so tired.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:12.400
It's so early.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:14.000
And I told them, I'm sorry, guys.
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:17.120
I have this event, you know, I've got something for counsel.
00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:18.879
And of course, they're guilty.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:21.680
And you're like, oh, mama, I don't like counsel.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:22.960
I hate counsel.
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:24.319
Please don't do it again.
00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:25.680
And I was okay.
00:03:25.919 --> 00:03:27.280
They don't say this all the time.
00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:33.599
It's on the rare occasion when we have an early morning or where I do miss something that they don't like it.
00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.719
But man, this morning it just really hit me.
00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:39.439
And I was like, I know I don't want to be rushing you either.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:41.919
I want us to have our slow morning together.
00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:46.000
I always love it when we get to sleep in a little bit because then we wake up, they're so cozy.
00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:49.919
You know, I carry the little one down the stairs to get her dress in the morning.
00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:51.759
It's just, it's very sweet.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:54.000
So I drop them off at school.
00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:55.520
I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna make it.
00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:56.240
I've got plenty of time.
00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:57.680
I'm so proud of myself.
00:03:57.919 --> 00:04:00.400
I get there and I had the time wrong.
00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:03.840
I got no 40 minutes early.
00:04:04.159 --> 00:04:06.479
And I was like, wait, why is no one here yet?
00:04:06.639 --> 00:04:08.560
Why don't I see any other cars?
00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:12.960
And then I went back to the calendar and looked in and I was like, ah, fuck.
00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:14.400
It's not for 40 minutes.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:16.560
I saw, you know, it took up the 8 a.m.
00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:17.040
slot.
00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:18.480
And so it's like, okay, 8 a.m.
00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:20.639
And two weeks ago we had an event at 8 a.m.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:22.399
So I just had that in my mind.
00:04:22.480 --> 00:04:24.720
And I was like, oh, it's not until 8:30.
00:04:24.800 --> 00:04:26.079
So I rushed the kids for no reason.
00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:27.279
And it was silly, right?
00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:28.319
This is not a big deal.
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:30.000
Yeah, I can move on with my day.
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:35.680
It was just this kind of that mom guilt really sunk in of like, I didn't have to rush them.
00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:38.639
We could have had our nice morning and I would have had plenty of time.
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:39.040
Yeah.
00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:44.879
And I think it's doubled because I have a meeting this evening that's gonna prevent me from picking them up at school.
00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:46.480
So they have to stay in aftercare.
00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:50.399
And then my husband has to go get them when he wakes up because of my meeting.
00:04:50.639 --> 00:04:52.800
And so it just kind of felt like a double whammy.
00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:56.319
Like, man, I don't get them this morning, and I'm not gonna get them this evening.
00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:58.480
But it is what it is.
00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:00.639
And for the most part, I get to see them a lot.
00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:01.839
It's not a huge deal.
00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:03.439
Yeah, I'll just keep rolling.
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:05.839
But sometimes something just really strikes a nerve.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:06.240
Yeah.
00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:07.759
And it really just hits you.
00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:10.800
So I'm sorry, that's so hard.
00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:14.319
Yeah, it's just that mom guilt, you know, it never goes away.
00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:16.959
And to be honest, they probably won't even notice it.
00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:19.920
My husband will probably go pick them up and they'll be like, Why are you here already?
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:20.879
We want to keep playing.
00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:21.680
Yes, of course.
00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:23.040
That's always the yes.
00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:25.839
So I just need to let myself have some grace.
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:26.639
How about you?
00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:28.399
Anything messy in your life?
00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:32.079
My travel home yesterday for my trip was really interesting.
00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:37.360
Normally I have like a lot of empathy and grace for especially women, right?
00:05:37.439 --> 00:05:37.519
Yeah.
00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:42.079
Like with just life circumstances and stuff in my Uber home from the airport.
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:48.399
You know, she pulls up an electric vehicle, she's young, and in my mind, instantly, yeah, good for you.
00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:49.279
You're like a college girl.
00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:50.079
This is badass.
00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:52.639
Look at you out here working all the hustling.
00:05:52.879 --> 00:05:53.360
Yeah.
00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:57.199
And we get about like 40 minutes away from my house.
00:05:57.519 --> 00:06:01.120
And she's like, Oh, where's the closest EV charger?
00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:02.160
Oh my goodness.
00:06:02.720 --> 00:06:03.360
What do you mean?
00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:04.720
That is so unprofessional.
00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:06.240
There's the one at this location.
00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:13.120
I was like, no, this is quite literally the mountain that you have to drive over to get from nothing to we are in the middle of a mountain passage.
00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:13.600
Yes.
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:15.839
I was like, you cannot go anywhere.
00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:20.879
So she just kept interrupting me as like I'm in the middle of stuff that I'm trying to catch up on for work on my phone.
00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:25.439
So I keep taking off my ear pods, and she you can tell she's starting to like freak out and panic.
00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:27.120
And then her car starts beeping at it.
00:06:27.439 --> 00:06:28.879
Oh no, that's so stressful.
00:06:29.279 --> 00:06:32.959
Five miles, quote unquote, until the car has no charge left.
00:06:33.759 --> 00:06:34.720
What a nightmare.
00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:37.680
And I'm like, you cannot pull over on this side of this highway.
00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:39.920
Like, this is where people quite literally die.
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:44.160
Oh, this is like the most accidents happen in this location.
00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:45.439
You cannot pull over.
00:06:45.680 --> 00:06:49.600
So we ended up doing 35 miles an hour home.
00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:53.600
So it took me instead of taking like 20 minutes, it took like an hour to do this drive.
00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:58.319
That is because she was so half the speed, which makes it even more dangerous, actually, in this location.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:06:59.439
Yes, definitely.
00:06:59.680 --> 00:07:02.959
And anyway, so I just found myself getting so annoyed.
00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:07.360
But I've heard that range anxiety can be a little bit of a thing, and that is literally my commute.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:07.680
Yeah.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:14.079
So it's like I cannot imagine being halfway over the mountains and realizing that I've got five miles left to go.
00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:17.040
It's a plan, it's like a failure of planning and preparation, right?
00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:26.720
Because I've thought about doing EV too, and my business partner would get herself in these situations too, where like she'd be like, oh, I've got to go charge up and then she'd be late for appointments, you know, because it's like, oh, I gotta do this.
00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:31.040
And then she ended up switching from not an EV car, or I think it's like partial EV or something like that.
00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:32.160
Oh, yeah, like a hybrid.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:38.399
Well, so I've considered doing the hybrid route, but I will say, I mean, failure to plan, that is kind of my MO.
00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:41.759
I'm a pretty good planner and I'm pretty on top of things.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:47.279
But as evidenced by this morning, stuff slips through the cracks, and I totally don't realize.
00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:50.959
Of course, you know, even today, like I thought that we were gonna meet at 11:30.
00:07:51.040 --> 00:07:56.000
And I don't know why I had that number in my mind because if I look at my calendar, it very clearly says 11 a.m., as does our tech thread.
00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:58.240
But in my mind, I was like, okay, 11:30.
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:05.040
I almost went to the gym to try and squeeze and lift in between my meeting, and I was, oh no, this would have been a terrible mistake.
00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.439
I wouldn't have had time to get back and get everything set up.
00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:09.360
So yes.
00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:10.000
Yeah.
00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:16.800
But anyway, okay, so today we are gonna start part one of a two-part discussion.
00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:29.839
We're gonna talk about families and kind of just childhood, the family that made you, and also now as an adult, how that family affects your life or how you give it space to affect your life.
00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:35.440
And we just realized that this is a bigger conversation than you can have in one episode.
00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:36.240
Yeah, right.
00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:39.279
Like there is a lot to unpack in childhood.
00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:40.000
Yeah.
00:08:40.159 --> 00:08:40.480
Exactly.
00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:43.519
There's a lot of layers, and we all just have such different families.
00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:45.519
And we just really wanted to give it justice.
00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:49.600
We didn't want to rush through one episode or overly pack in.
00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:57.279
So we're gonna today we're just really gonna focus on understanding and unpacking our families and our childhoods.
00:08:57.440 --> 00:09:17.759
And we're kind of hoping that as we have this discussion, that you're kind of just thinking along about what your childhood was like, how it has shaped you into the person that you are, and then kind of preparing for the next episode, how now as an adult you maintain or don't maintain those relationships that you had with your family as a child.
00:09:18.320 --> 00:09:25.840
So we're just gonna kind of start talking about families of how you look at your family now through adults' eyes.
00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:36.399
Now that you're a grown-up, now that you have your own kids or your own spouse, your own job, your own home, when you look back on your family now, I'm sure it looks a lot different than when you were a kid growing up.
00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:39.360
And so, what does that look like?
00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:41.360
So I'm gonna start with a question.
00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:43.039
Kim, you and I will each answer it.
00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:45.200
And listeners, answer it for yourself as well.
00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:51.840
So, what was something that you thought was totally normal in your family that you later realized was not universal?
00:09:52.639 --> 00:09:55.440
Are you gonna start off by answering that or should I your choice?
00:09:55.600 --> 00:09:56.480
I can if you want me to.
00:09:56.879 --> 00:09:58.559
For me, it was my family.
00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:02.240
I've mentioned before, I'm Latina, so I've got a large Mexican family.
00:10:02.480 --> 00:10:03.600
We were all really close.
00:10:03.759 --> 00:10:09.360
We spent every single Friday night of my childhood at my grandma's house, unless we were out of town.
00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:11.440
And I loved it so much.
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:12.240
It was the best.
00:10:12.399 --> 00:10:16.960
My aunties would come over, my cousins would come over, and we would just spend hours talking.
00:10:17.120 --> 00:10:21.360
I would often fall on asleep on the couch listening to them talk, and I loved it so much.
00:10:21.679 --> 00:10:30.159
But I think something that I didn't realize wasn't universal was one, being so close to your extended family and spending so much time with them.
00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:41.759
And two, sharing so many of the intimate details of your life with that family because my family, we definitely talked about everything almost to a fault.
00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:51.120
You know, I'm I'm sure everyone probably knew when I started my period, you know, or we would talk about cousins, boyfriends, and girlfriends, who they were dating.
00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:56.000
We kind of talked about it all, and there was kind of nothing off the table.
00:10:56.240 --> 00:10:59.600
And so for me, I just thought that was normal until boundaries.
00:10:59.759 --> 00:11:00.720
Yes, exactly.
00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:02.480
To put it lightly, no boundaries.
00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:11.759
It wasn't until I got to college and had a relationship and you know, started dating my now husband that I realized, like, oh, all families are not like this.
00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:16.399
In fact, a lot of families have a lot of space or distance between them, you know.
00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:21.759
It's not normal to tell your aunts and uncles and every bit about you, you know.
00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:28.320
So that was one for me that was almost kind of shocking when I grew up and was like, oh, your family didn't do this.
00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:30.559
You don't talk to your family that much.
00:11:30.799 --> 00:11:31.840
Oh, okay.
00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:32.480
Yeah.
00:11:32.879 --> 00:11:33.120
Yeah.
00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:40.799
I mean, I can see that that's I think when you're so immersed in it, it's really hard to know that it's not normal until you're kind of pulled out of it.
00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:46.559
And there's something to having like an adult perspective and shift, and then also something to compare it to.
00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:47.919
That's different.
00:11:48.559 --> 00:11:53.679
I'd say for mine, I grew up well, I guess you'd call it like a pretty European style home.
00:11:54.000 --> 00:12:00.480
The way that our parents dealt with every problem was through like the belts and like smacking around and things like that.
00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:06.320
I remember like very distinctly, like this is after like we moved from Canada to like California.
00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:15.600
But I remember very distinctively like going and like for PE, you used to have to go like get changed for PE and you know, you're coaching your not coaches, but your uh PE instructors or whatever would be in there.
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:43.039
I remember we had CPS come to our house a few times because we would have just like welts and like like just like because it would be like a everyone line up because I was one of five, and it was like everyone line up on the couch, pull your pants down, lift up your shirt, and he would just well my mom would do it too, but my dad mostly would just welt the shit out of us with like his belt and just like whip us essentially, but all the way down like to our the bottom of our legs, all the way up our backside, and so our PE teachers would see that when we would dress out.
00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:43.519
Yes.
00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:48.879
But that was back in the day where even if CPS showed up, it was who the fuck are you to you tell them to do that with my kids, right?
00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:50.559
And it's obviously very different now.
00:12:51.120 --> 00:13:03.360
But as a child, I thought that that was normal, which segued into other portions of my life when I first was married previously, thinking like, oh, well, this kind of behavior is normal in marriage and a home.
00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:07.519
And then you kind of realize even if it's normal, you don't fucking want it.
00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:07.919
Yeah.
00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:14.879
So how how old were you when you realized it it wasn't normal, or that wasn't how other parents disciplined their kids?
00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:18.240
Oh, it wasn't until I left my ex-husband, actually.
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:20.080
So, like So I was into adulthood.
00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:20.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:28.879
I mean, I my I remember sitting there with my therapist, and my therapist said, You married an abusive piece of shit because you were raised by an abusive piece of shit.
00:13:29.039 --> 00:13:36.320
And it was like this moment of like, and I it took a professional as an adult to tell me, like, no, this isn't okay, this isn't normal.
00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:41.120
And I knew myself as like an adult and as a parent, I would never want to touch my kids like this.
00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:44.879
But whether that was normal or not was a different story, right?
00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:51.600
So I thought everybody as a child had that childhood because we never really had play dates, it was very much so just so we're kind of isolated.
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:55.679
So you weren't in anyone else's homes, you didn't see their family dynamics.
00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:57.759
No, no, didn't really have a lot of that.
00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:04.159
So in my world, it was normal, quote unquote normal, until I grew up and I had my own children.
00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:06.399
I promised myself I would never do those things.
00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:12.720
But then you step out of it, and it wasn't until I met my husband, who I'm married to now, and his family.
00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:16.720
And I was like, oh, this is the way it's supposed to be.
00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:21.360
This is what a healthy family and discipline situation looks like.
00:14:21.679 --> 00:14:23.440
We communicate through words.
00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:25.120
Oh man, yeah.
00:14:25.200 --> 00:14:26.159
I mean, that's so tough.
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:43.919
And I'm sure that there is a spectrum, you know, that a lot of people experience that when it comes to parents laying hands on children, I think especially being kids of the 80s and 90s, because as you mentioned, like that was tolerated, or CPS didn't really have strict guidelines on it where they would protect children.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:46.720
So I do think that a lot more of that was tolerated.
00:14:46.799 --> 00:15:00.159
So I'm sure there are people out there who had some degree of the belt, but I mean, I definitely think what you're explaining is a more extreme, you know, version of that that definitely could not, should not have been tolerated for children.
00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:06.720
Yeah, I'm curious, apart from that, just kind of looking at our families, what was your family like?
00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:08.639
Do you feel like you have some descriptors?
00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:13.039
Like, for example, some people can say right off the top of their head, my family was the loud family.
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:18.480
You know, if we went out to eat, we were so noisy, everyone, we were very boisterous, everyone was always talking.
00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:19.759
Were they affectionate?
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:21.200
Were they private?
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:24.480
Some people have families that are really conflict avoidant.
00:15:24.559 --> 00:15:31.759
And so they get to marriage and they don't even really understand how to have a healthy argument with their partner because they've never seen one.
00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:32.399
Yeah.
00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:38.480
So I mean, I think there are just so many different ways that families show up and that kids see them.
00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:39.200
Yeah.
00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:41.600
My family, for example, I'll start again.
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:45.919
Like I mentioned, one, the extended family, we were all kind of in everybody's business.
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:49.600
We all knew everything that was going on with everyone, kind of all the time.
00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:54.480
And then within my own household, my parents, and I always credit this to them being Latino.
00:15:54.559 --> 00:16:00.159
I also probably has a lot to do with the fact that they probably did not have healthy parenting themselves.
00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:02.080
Like they never had a good example to follow.
00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:02.399
Yeah.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:04.960
But they shouted and yelled a lot.
00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:07.919
That was how conflicts were faced in our house.
00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.720
They were faced head-on and they were faced really loudly.
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.039
And it could be very stressful.
00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:23.039
It could be just give you not like a very good sense of security because when everyone's yelling and there's so much, it's so emotionally charged.
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:23.440
Yeah.
00:16:23.679 --> 00:16:26.799
It makes you feel like, wait, are my parents okay?
00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:28.080
Are we gonna stay together?
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:29.519
Are they gonna get divorced?
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:32.720
Because you think fighting, and as a kid, your mind kind of jumps to divorce.
00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:34.159
Like, oh, my parents fight so much.
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:35.840
Yeah, they yell so much.
00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:36.639
I don't know.
00:16:36.799 --> 00:16:39.440
That was kind of us.
00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:48.720
Yeah, I'd say like when I think about my house, it was yeah, I mean, it was loud, but it was more like when I think about like it all, it was a very patriarchal home.
00:16:48.960 --> 00:16:57.039
Like it was very like I grew up in a glasshouse where everything had to be perfect, and my mom was essentially like a servant to like my dad.
00:16:57.519 --> 00:17:03.279
And so it was a very male patriarchal home where it was just nobody cares about your emotions, go cry to your pillow.
00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:11.440
You know, there was definitely, I mean, they would fight, but it was always like where my dad was the one who was telling her, You're wrong, what you did, you know, just like all of these is a huge thing.
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:12.480
He had the final say.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.200
Yeah, absolutely.
00:17:13.279 --> 00:17:16.559
I mean, my dad would put my mom like on a budget and be like, here's your cash for the month.
00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:17.839
This is all you get, you know.
00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:25.519
And my mom had to like stretch that over, you know, five kids, you know, and and running a household, but and she couldn't she could never buy anything for herself.
00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:27.440
It was a very patriarchal home.
00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:30.319
It was that would probably be the best way I could describe it.
00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:35.759
I always feel this is just me, but sometimes I feel like those types of financial restrictions also just feel like a form of abuse.
00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:43.519
Oh, it's because you're not allowing this person the freedom to spend the money on the things that they need or to allow themselves simple pleasures.
00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:43.920
Yeah.
00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:49.759
You know, that everything that you buy is monitored or questioned, or that you might have to explain for it later.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:50.480
For sure.
00:17:50.640 --> 00:18:01.440
Well, I think it instills like a sense of fear and like lack of value because I remember my parents got separated when I was a kid, and my mom, like, she finally like left, left because she was really over everything.
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:13.279
But my dad, and they're still together because my dad, even though my mom moved across the country with us and everything else, my dad had this way of making her feel like she had no value and she wouldn't be able to take care of us kids.
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:22.000
And so that's what he just preyed on for like over a year, you know, even though she like wanted a divorce and everything else, was like, you have no job, you have no skill, you can't do anything without me.
00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:23.920
And so she just got in her head and warned.
00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:28.559
And she just became afraid that, like, how am I gonna take care of my family and my children?
00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:30.640
Like, I have no other choice but to stay in this.
00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:31.680
That's so sad.
00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:35.039
Because I mean, in that sense, it really also does feel like she was a victim.
00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:35.519
Oh, absolutely.
00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:37.279
You know, she herself was a victim.
00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:38.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:39.039 --> 00:18:42.799
What about you, your role in the family?
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:45.599
Do you feel like you fell into a particular role?
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:48.000
Now, so there were five kids, and so it's a little bit bigger.
00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:55.920
I'm one of two, but you know, sometimes depending on how what your family dynamic is, there's someone who maybe falls into the role of the peacemaker, right?
00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:58.880
Because they just want to have stability and peace in their home.
00:18:59.039 --> 00:18:59.200
Yeah.
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:03.440
Sometimes someone has to become the responsible one who's got to help mom and dad.
00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:06.079
Maybe they get a job earlier, they're helping watch the younger kids.
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:06.480
Yeah.
00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:10.559
Me, I know for myself, I kind of like the overachiever.
00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:11.920
I'm the strong one.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:14.319
My brother was always very sensitive.
00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:23.440
And he just, you know, was, I guess just to put it an example, his nickname growing up, they always called him the worried sparrow.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:33.759
There was a little children's story about this like little sparrow that just sat in its little nest waiting for its mother to come back and had these worried little eyes, and it was just really sad, and you really felt bad for it.
00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:34.720
And that was him.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:40.880
He was the worried sparrow, where like my name was always the Chispita, which is like the spark, the little fire flame.
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:41.440
Yeah.
00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:44.880
And that was kind of the role that I stepped into.
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:48.720
He was sensitive and was kind of needed a little bit more of the attention.
00:19:48.799 --> 00:19:57.519
And so I had to become a little bit more of the stronger, independent one who didn't need anything from anyone, who would figure things out for themselves, who would be a little bit more bold.
00:19:57.759 --> 00:19:58.079
Yeah.
00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:00.160
That's kind of who we were as children in the home.
00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:07.680
Now, that's not to say that's still who we are as adults, but when we were younger, that was kind of the roles that we fell into.
00:20:07.920 --> 00:20:08.559
To your point, right?
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:10.400
There's like I'm one of five kids.
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:17.039
My my two oldest siblings left the house before they were 18 years old because they couldn't stand living in our house.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:24.720
Um so like my sister, so I've got, you know, an older brother, like, so he's the oldest, and he left the house when just before I think he turned 17.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:28.480
And then my sister left when she was 16 or 7.
00:20:28.720 --> 00:20:31.200
So around the similar ages, you know, but she's second.
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:36.960
Then there's my brother, Tyler, who she got pregnant with me, like after like he was like around for like a month.
00:20:37.119 --> 00:20:39.680
It was like very like Irish twins, right?
00:20:40.240 --> 00:20:46.559
And so he is what I would definitely consider the peacemaker of the house, still very much so is.
00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:56.079
And I think all of us as kids tried to like be in the background and not be present as much as we could, because it was so insanely hostile and toxic in our house.
00:20:56.160 --> 00:20:57.279
So we were all just like afraid.
00:20:57.359 --> 00:20:58.720
We lived in like a state of fear.
00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:10.960
But after my brother and my sister left the house, and then it was just my brother Tyler, myself, and then my little brother trended, and my mom started getting really sick, and so I was kind of forced into this caretaker role.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:14.240
And it was right around the time as I was supposed to be like leaving and going to college.
00:21:14.319 --> 00:21:20.319
And so I actually ended up having to stay back and like go to community college to help take care of him because my mom couldn't drive.
00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:22.799
My dad was too busy working to like do anything else.
00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:26.000
And so I got put in kind of like this caretaker role.
00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:30.720
And then also, I think as a woman in our house, now you need to help cook and you need to help clean and do the laundry and da-da-da.
00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:31.039
Right.
00:21:31.119 --> 00:21:32.960
And so you kind of are forced almost into this role.
00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:44.720
And so, really burdening a young person or child who is supposed to be able to explore and have a little bit of freedom because that's kind of your one time in your life when you get to, in general, experience some of those freedoms.
00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:50.960
Because once you become an adult, you learn all too soon of the burdens of adulthood and now needing to support yourself financially.
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:54.640
So, really getting forced to grow up kind of too soon.
00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:55.119
Yeah.
00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:56.960
Which is it's hard.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.759
Moving on from there, we've kind of looked back, reflected a little.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:02.160
Little bit on our childhoods and what those looked like.
00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:11.039
So for us, for the listener, let's start with thinking about the good things that we carry from our families.
00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:17.039
You know, I think that we don't always have to say that things were categorically all bad or all good.
00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:22.960
You know, you can recognize that there were good and loving moments, but these people still hurt you.
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:25.440
You know, or it wasn't perfect.
00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:36.960
So looking back on childhood, what sorts of things do you want to carry forward that you think these are things that I would actually like to bring into my own family with my own children?
00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:38.079
Yeah.
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:39.839
I mean, I think there's several things, right?
00:22:39.920 --> 00:22:48.559
Like I think we can all probably look at our lives knowing that everything that we've experienced in life has led us to who we are and where we are in life.
00:22:48.799 --> 00:22:55.519
And I'm very grateful for several things that have taken place in my life, whether they were good or bad, because they helped me become who I am today.
00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:59.759
But there were a few things as a child that actually were like the really good things, right?
00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:04.480
It's like when I think when there's such a contrast of like so good, so bad, you can really hold on to the good.
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:19.119
You know, I remember being a little kid, and this is before my mom, you know, really started to kind of change as a person, but she would leave us like these little notes under our pillow with like little like treats or little presents and just say, like, I love you so much, I'm so proud of you.
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:21.680
Or if you go on a trip, she'd like to leave us these little things.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:25.279
And so it's something I've always done with my kids, and my kids love that.
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:30.160
And for me, it's just special because it's just like a little way to let them know, like, I love them, you're seen, right?
00:23:30.240 --> 00:23:32.000
I'm proud of you, things like that.
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:40.799
So I feel like things like that, our family put like a big we were very poor for a long time as a child, and then my dad's business took off, and then we started going on like these great trips.
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:43.680
And for me, that's where we're like as a it felt like a family.
00:23:43.920 --> 00:23:45.680
Like, you know, people were happy, right?
00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:50.400
Even if it was just like a week, people were happy and there was like fun and like just good.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:52.000
So I really held on to those.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:24:04.079
And those are things for me, I think, especially as a working mom, I put a lot of emphasis on is like experiences and trips with my kids because life is so busy that I want to be able to take those times and press pause so that they have those memories.
00:24:04.400 --> 00:24:10.880
So I'm grateful for those because that's where I've put a lot of emphasis on my family, is like the experiences and the moments.
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:14.799
And so I think that those were great takeaways for me as a parent.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:18.559
Just for my own curiosity, how do you stick these little notes under their pillows?
00:24:18.640 --> 00:24:19.839
You go do it while they're asleep.
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:22.079
No, so I do it like if they're at school.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:25.200
So I like okay, I like right at hand, like little written cards.
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:31.440
Sometimes it's just like their favorite treat or snack, or it's a fun pair of socks, or just like, you know, this little outfit that they were looking at and really wanted.
00:24:31.599 --> 00:24:35.440
I'll just like buy things randomly and then I'll just like stick them under their pillows.
00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:39.680
And so it got to the point, actually, at one point I was doing it too much where it's like, hey, I never got anything today.
00:24:39.920 --> 00:24:41.359
That's not really how this works.
00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:41.920
You know?
00:24:42.240 --> 00:24:43.519
That's actually really cute though.
00:24:43.599 --> 00:24:47.440
So how did I'm just so curious, how did they know to go start looking for them?
00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:50.160
Did you tell them one day, like, hey, there might be something under your pillow?
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:52.319
No, they would just like go get ready for bed.
00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:54.559
So they we used to do this all the time when they were little.
00:24:54.640 --> 00:24:58.319
They're not so great at now that they're like teenagers, but I would make them make their bed every day.
00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:04.480
And so then they'd like pull back their sheets and like, you know, their pillows, and then they're like the card and the gift would be right underneath their like decorative pillow.
00:25:04.720 --> 00:25:05.359
Oh, see, that's cute.
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:09.039
Yes, we've never had the beds made almost never.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:09.920
Do we do that?
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:11.519
So I'll just put that out there.
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:11.839
Yeah.
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:14.640
So I'm like, how would my children find these said things?
00:25:15.599 --> 00:25:22.480
Probably be covered under stuffies and their little mountain of clothes that they probably took off after school.
00:25:22.799 --> 00:25:22.960
Okay.
00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:25.200
Oh no, I just I think that's really cute.
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:31.039
You know, for me, I really just loved, like I was talking about those Friday nights that we used to send with my grandma.
00:25:31.119 --> 00:25:33.759
Those were the most special times in my life.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:44.480
I still look back on them so warmly, just knowing that all of my family took time out of their week every single week to go see their mom, their grandma, and spend time with her.
00:25:44.640 --> 00:25:50.000
So it's this feeling of loving to be with your family and viewing family as friends.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:50.319
Yeah.
00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:54.960
You know, I remember growing up and asking my mom, you know, about her friends.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:26:00.079
And she would say, Yeah, I've got some friends at work, but really my sisters are my friends and my cousins are my friends.
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:01.599
I just love them so much.
00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:07.039
And she did, you know, we'd go to grandma's house and we'd sit and they'd just laugh and laugh and laugh.
00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:13.839
And they would just catch up and tell about their weeks and say whatever funny stories had happened or whatever crazy thing their kids had done.
00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:15.119
And it was just so much fun.
00:26:15.200 --> 00:26:18.799
It wasn't like we were sitting around gossiping, being toxic.
00:26:18.880 --> 00:26:24.720
It was just that everyone was just laughing about sharing about their weeks and whatever the crazy dog did, you know?
00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:26.319
It was super fun.
00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:33.119
That's one of the things that kind of makes me sad about my current life situation is that my kids don't have cousins and we don't live close to family.
00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:40.319
My family all lives in the hometown where I grew up, and my brother lives in a different city, and so they don't get to do that.
00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:47.519
And that makes me really sad because that was so important to me, and I loved it so much, and it just always made me feel so grounded with my family.
00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:51.440
But we move forward and I try and make my own traditions with my kids.
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:56.880
But yeah, that was something really special that I definitely always want to carry forward.
00:26:57.119 --> 00:26:58.559
Yeah, I think that makes sense.
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:01.599
Family is like there's it's something kind of soulful, right?
00:27:01.680 --> 00:27:05.039
Like with your family, like it just it's a little bit more deeply rooted.
00:27:05.920 --> 00:27:15.279
And then I mean, we can move into something that is a little bit heavier, and it is what things have you been deliberate to not carry into your family?
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:22.319
You know, what things have you so carefully said, like, no, I don't want this actually in my home, and I'm gonna change this pattern.
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:27.519
Yeah, I can very proudly say that I have only spanked one of my children once.
00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:30.319
I've never ever put my hands on my kids ever, ever.
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:38.160
And it was one time I was previously married, my ex-husband was deployed, and my oldest was two.
00:27:38.480 --> 00:27:40.240
Yeah, I think he's just over two.
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:45.359
He got really good at letting himself out the front door, which is like just letting it scary, which is terrifying, right?
00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:48.240
And he would do it one of the least opportune times, as always, right?
00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:48.880
Naturally.
00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:53.200
And so I had to install like these really high locks like on top of our door, right?
00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:54.559
Like the safety kind of ones.
00:27:54.960 --> 00:28:02.240
But the chains, I was in the shower and I just I had the door open, and his little baby brother was like sleeping, and so it was very quiet.
00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:04.240
I turned on a show for him, but it was very quiet.
00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:13.680
So I would wake up the sibling and his little brother, and I just remember hearing like I put this chime on on top of the door, too, because and so I heard this ding-ding, and I was just I'm in the middle of the shower.
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:15.039
Yeah, I'm like, oh my god.
00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:17.519
I'm like, either someone just came in or he let himself out.
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:22.640
And so I ran out to the front door and he had gotten a stool and like let himself out.
00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:26.880
And I had like a towel wrapped around me, and he was running into the street and a car almost hit him.
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:30.079
And I grabbed him and I swatted him on the bum.
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:33.039
I'm like, you can never do this again.
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:37.759
And just the look on his face, Krista, like was just complete shock.
00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:41.039
And I remember thinking that was not the, you know what I mean?
00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:44.319
But I was so afraid, and I just felt this need to like, don't ever do this again.
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:47.200
Yes, to really instill that this is not okay.
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:51.039
Yeah, and that's the only time I've ever put my hands on any of my kids.
00:28:51.119 --> 00:29:00.079
And that's I feel like that's like my biggest like win in life, is that I have not perpetuated like this state of physical abuse that was carried on.
00:29:00.319 --> 00:29:08.720
And I try to give my parents grace that they did the best they can, but I also looking at like my my dad's siblings, there were several of them that broke that cycle.
00:29:08.799 --> 00:29:10.880
So it was kind of like a choice on their part, too, right?
00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:21.440
Yes, but that's definitely something where for myself, I've worked very hard to be a continual cycle breaker in my life from the things that were put into my life that are not going to pass down to my children.
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:22.000
Yeah.
00:29:22.240 --> 00:29:23.519
I mean, that's a good one.
00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:26.000
There are a lot of things that you choose to do differently.
00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:27.759
And I really credit my mom.
00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:29.440
She did a really great job with what she could.
00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:31.839
My dad was, I love my dad.
00:29:31.920 --> 00:29:36.079
He's a good person, but he just was a very absent father.
00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:39.599
I would say he wasn't an emotionally available father.
00:29:39.839 --> 00:29:41.119
He lived in our house.
00:29:41.359 --> 00:29:45.119
My parents didn't divorce until I was in college in my 20s.
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:52.880
So he was always there, but I think that he just had not had any sort of healthy parenting in his life.
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:56.000
He didn't have a probably a good attachment with his parents.
00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:58.480
They, I think he was kind of neglected as a kid.
00:29:58.559 --> 00:30:01.119
I know he, you know, suffered some abuse.
00:30:01.440 --> 00:30:05.599
So he just, I think, really didn't know how to parent or how to be there for his children.
00:30:05.759 --> 00:30:12.480
So it really always just felt like my brother and I were competing for my mom's love and affection and attention, right?
00:30:12.559 --> 00:30:14.880
Because it was, we were really only getting it from her.
00:30:15.039 --> 00:30:19.359
So I felt like there was this kind of competition to need to get it.
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:23.519
And that's one of the things where I feel so grateful that my children have two parents in their life.
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:29.759
So they have, you know, if one parent is busy, they can go to the other parent, or we can both give them affection.
00:30:29.839 --> 00:30:34.079
We can both give them love and attention, where I just didn't feel like that was the case in our household.
00:30:34.480 --> 00:30:43.359
And so I think for my kids moving on one, it's really important to me that they feel like they have an excess of love and attention from both their parents.
00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:52.640
And then also I try to be really intentional about making sure that I am treating both of my kids equally, you know, and giving them equal love and attention.
00:30:52.880 --> 00:30:55.279
As I mentioned, my brother, he is very sensitive.
00:30:55.359 --> 00:30:58.640
He and my mom definitely get along very easily.
00:30:58.960 --> 00:31:01.039
I was the spicier one.
00:31:01.200 --> 00:31:08.000
I was the one that definitely caused more conflict, probably caused my mom more gray hair because of my personality.
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:09.759
And I totally understand that.
00:31:09.839 --> 00:31:10.880
That's who I am.
00:31:11.039 --> 00:31:20.880
But I do think then that that lent to a little bit more strife in my relationship with her, where her relationship with my brother was more peaceful and more easygoing.
00:31:21.039 --> 00:31:33.599
And so I think, you know, in a family like my children have, if I'd had my dad in those moments when I had conflict with my mom or was being too spicy so that we just really couldn't connect, I would have had a dad where I could have been connected with.
00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:40.640
But because I didn't have that, there was just kind of this gap or this space where my brother really didn't cause her much conflict at all.
00:31:40.799 --> 00:31:44.000
So they had, you know, a really nice, nurturing relationship.
00:31:44.319 --> 00:31:45.039
A lot easier.
00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:45.359
Yeah.
00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:46.319
More simple.
00:31:46.559 --> 00:31:48.319
And again, I know that she loves me so much.
00:31:48.400 --> 00:31:49.359
She does so much for me.
00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:52.160
She's so selfless and she's always been so selfless.
00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:54.799
She always puts me and my brother first.
00:31:54.960 --> 00:31:57.599
Her main objective is that she wants to see us succeed.
00:31:58.000 --> 00:32:00.720
She wants us to be able to reach our dreams.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:03.359
And she is such an active participant in that.
00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:13.359
I think, though, now that I am married and have my two kids and have a partner who can also give them attention, I just am so mindful that they both always feel like their cups are filled.
00:32:13.519 --> 00:32:13.759
Yeah.
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:15.839
Yeah, I think that's interesting too.
00:32:15.920 --> 00:32:26.880
Cause I think it also like it sparks that whole being aware as not just like as a child, but as like a parent as your parenting and taking that and not only just wanting to apply it and do better, right?
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:30.079
Because she obviously did the best she could and she is continuing to do so.
00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:34.000
But I think it's also recognizing when we do make mistakes and apologizing.
00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:36.799
Cause I think that's something that I never had as a kid.
00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:39.119
And so it kind of felt like our parents were infallible.
00:32:39.359 --> 00:32:40.000
Was the what's the word?
00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:40.799
Yeah, infallible.
00:32:41.039 --> 00:32:41.279
Thank you.
00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:42.640
I can't even speak.
00:32:42.799 --> 00:32:47.599
But it led to that feeling of adults are always right, kids are always wrong.
00:32:47.839 --> 00:33:01.200
And then as my life has changed, it's this huge realization as like when you have little kids and you make mistakes, like you know, spanking them or saying something that's unkind or hurtful or embarrassed, whatever it is, is just taking that opportunity to apologize.
00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:04.880
Yes, and let them know like I am totally capable of making mistakes.
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:06.160
I make mistakes every day.
00:33:06.319 --> 00:33:07.839
This is the first time I'm parenting.
00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:09.839
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:12.079
And I am just trying because I think it's hard.
00:33:12.160 --> 00:33:19.440
Like, you know, we've got four kids, yeah, and it's so hard to, I mean, each of them needs their own thing, right?
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:20.640
They're all so different.
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:24.799
And so you try to parent them each kind of like fairly equally, right?
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:26.720
But it's everyone requires something different.
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:32.480
So you have to make sure that one of them doesn't feel left out or that someone's getting something more than the other.
00:33:32.720 --> 00:33:33.039
Definitely.
00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:34.880
And so I think that's that's a hard thing to do.
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:41.359
But I think as long as you're vocal about the emotions and being apologetic and when you make mistakes, I think that's a huge thing.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:43.200
And that's definitely something we've tried to do.
00:33:43.359 --> 00:33:47.200
Well, and that's just such a huge point, right there, is that as parents, we are all just figuring this out.
00:33:47.279 --> 00:33:49.279
Yeah, there really is no manual for this.
00:33:49.359 --> 00:33:52.640
There are books, there are, you can get counseling, there are tools to help you.
00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:57.680
But I mean, when it comes down to it, in the moment, you're just doing the best that you can.
00:33:57.759 --> 00:33:57.920
Yeah.
00:33:58.079 --> 00:34:00.000
And honestly, that is the same for our parents.
00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:03.920
They were doing the best they could, they were doing the best they could with what they had.
00:34:04.880 --> 00:34:08.880
You know, it's possible that they opted to not use some of the tools that were available to them.
00:34:09.119 --> 00:34:09.760
Absolutely.
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:12.559
And that has caused its own set of problems.
00:34:12.719 --> 00:34:16.719
And just as you're saying, like it is so important for us to apologize to our children.
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:17.280
Yeah.
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:21.360
I don't know if that just wasn't a thing back then, if there just wasn't that awareness.
00:34:21.599 --> 00:34:26.719
You know, because I can't say that that's something when I talk to adult friends that was common in their childhood.
00:34:27.119 --> 00:34:34.159
Because I talk to a lot of adults now who have children that say, Oh no, I make a point to sit down and apologize to my kids or to tell them I made a mistake.
00:34:34.239 --> 00:34:34.559
Yeah.
00:34:34.719 --> 00:34:38.639
And they are all doing that now because that was not something that was done for them.
00:34:38.800 --> 00:34:47.519
And they want to make sure to take ownership and to let their kids see that we all make mistakes and that we don't always get it right and that we're sorry when we mess up.
00:34:47.840 --> 00:34:48.000
Yeah.
00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:48.880
No, absolutely.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:55.280
I think that's it's a common theme, I feel like, between our generation is there's this continual cycle breaking that seems to be happening.
00:34:55.360 --> 00:35:08.880
And if you really have these conversations with others, everybody seems to be doing very similar things in terms of trying to break whatever it was that they experienced in their home that they don't want to ever perpetuate, which is I think very different than the generations before.
00:35:09.119 --> 00:35:10.320
Why, I don't know.
00:35:10.559 --> 00:35:11.440
But uh yeah.
00:35:11.599 --> 00:35:12.880
Yeah, maybe more enlightenment.
00:35:12.960 --> 00:35:13.440
I don't know.
00:35:13.519 --> 00:35:13.840
Yeah.
00:35:14.079 --> 00:35:19.599
Or maybe just less stigma around counseling and those sorts of things and admitting that you have a problem.
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:20.159
Yeah.
00:35:20.320 --> 00:35:20.800
I don't know.
00:35:21.039 --> 00:35:21.199
Yeah.
00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:25.199
Maybe it all goes back to episode one of now we can just say actually I'm not okay.
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:27.199
And back then people didn't feel like they could.
00:35:27.360 --> 00:35:27.599
True.
00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:28.159
Who knows?
00:35:28.320 --> 00:35:28.880
True.
00:35:29.199 --> 00:35:39.119
But I just want to give you a little space to talk because I know that talking about family is something that you and I have talked about a lot offline, just through our own friendship as we've gotten to know each other.
00:35:39.440 --> 00:35:45.039
And as we're talking about family, I think it makes sense to talk about every aspect of it.
00:35:45.119 --> 00:35:49.760
And there becomes a time sometimes when family is too toxic to maintain a relationship.
00:35:49.920 --> 00:35:50.159
Yeah.
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:52.880
And I know that that's something that you've had to deal with in your life.
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:55.519
And I don't know if that's something you want to talk a little bit about.
00:35:55.920 --> 00:35:56.960
Sure, sure.
00:35:57.199 --> 00:36:01.119
You know, I think it's a really hard decision for people to make.
00:36:01.440 --> 00:36:02.159
You know this.
00:36:02.320 --> 00:36:05.679
But you know, I went through a really horrible divorce.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:12.400
And like I mentioned before, my therapist was the one who really helped me realize you married a piece of a piece of shit because you were raised by one.
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:17.039
And she just looked, I remember her looking at me and being like, You need to cut them out of your life.
00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:18.000
This is not healthy for you.
00:36:18.079 --> 00:36:19.199
It's not healthy for your children.
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:24.239
You are leaving this man for a reason, and your father's the exact same and your mom's become that way.
00:36:24.400 --> 00:36:29.599
And it was a really hard time to make that decision because I was a single parent.
00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:38.000
They were letting me live in their home until my dad told me, like, you can't work, you're an unfit mother for working, and you need to do what I say and live in my house, or else you have no place to live.
00:36:38.079 --> 00:36:40.239
And I said, Great, deuces, goodbye.
00:36:40.480 --> 00:36:46.400
And I went on to basically be homeless for two months and live in my brother's tough shed while I like got my life together.
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:46.960
Yes.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:52.480
So it's like this time when you would need family the most is when you had no family.
00:36:52.719 --> 00:37:00.880
And then they continued for two years to just create so many problems in my legal custody battle for my children.
00:37:01.199 --> 00:37:06.639
Where just they did the most toxic, horrible things that a family could do.
00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:13.760
I think for me, it was just like this huge reality shift point because at the same time I was dating my husband.
00:37:13.920 --> 00:37:21.360
And again, like that's for for me, it was this huge eye-opening of like, this is what normal family looks like, and this is what not normal family looks like, right?
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:26.639
And his family, well, they would come into the courts and just pack the benches and just show up out of love.
00:37:27.119 --> 00:37:27.679
That's so sweet.
00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:41.679
And just like this amazing state where, you know, like there's this their son who has never been married before, you know, is a successful dentist, and he's dating this woman with three tiny children, one of which is almost a brand new baby.
00:37:41.760 --> 00:37:44.239
And I've got this custody battle of hell going on.
00:37:44.320 --> 00:37:49.920
And meanwhile, my dad is showing up on my ex-husband's side, you know, having my mom withdraw.
00:37:50.960 --> 00:37:53.280
Just like just all of these terrible things that were going on.
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:59.280
And I think for me, it was just this moment of like, I don't want this toxicity in my life anymore.
00:37:59.440 --> 00:38:02.159
The energy, it was so draining, it was so horrible.
00:38:02.239 --> 00:38:06.480
And you know, the way I look at my kids is there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my kids.
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:18.159
And somehow there was this alternate perspective where for him, it was like, if you don't do what I say, don't, you know, do what I say, do what I, you know, all the things, it's like this is constant like dictatorship, essentially.
00:38:18.320 --> 00:38:21.599
If it's like if it wasn't his way, it was not the way.
00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:21.920
Yeah.
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:24.159
And if you didn't toe the line, then you're cut off.
00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:25.360
And he did well financially.
00:38:25.440 --> 00:38:28.320
And so it was like, well, I'll give you anything that you want as long as you do what I say.
00:38:28.400 --> 00:38:30.639
And that's not how I was willing to live my life anymore.
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:32.000
Yeah, such a manipulation.
00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:34.719
Very, very manipulative, very narcissistic.
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:40.320
And so I think that was for me was this huge like breaking point of I don't want you in my life anymore.
00:38:40.400 --> 00:38:42.400
I don't want you in my kids' lives anymore.
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:57.440
And that ended up growing into not being able to have relationships with my siblings for over 10 years either, because I made the conscious choice to cut up my parents, but they weren't able to at that point, despite the fact that they all knew that they were toxic and their their spouses knew that they were toxic.
00:38:57.599 --> 00:38:59.360
Yeah, but everyone has to reach it on their own.
00:38:59.599 --> 00:39:00.320
Yeah, exactly.
00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:07.440
And I think when you have someone, you know, being willing to help pay for things and do things for you and take you on trips and do all these things, you know, it's hard to cut that off.
00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:08.159
And it's hard.
00:39:08.320 --> 00:39:18.079
I remember when I was going through my custody battle, the guardian ad lightum at the time, if you've ever gone through custody stuff, you know how intense it can be when you have like courts involved and things like that.
00:39:18.239 --> 00:39:35.920
But the guardian ad lightum, who was involved, who was helping with supervised visits with my ex-husband, basically said, like, even the most abusive cases she has ever seen, those children always seek to have relationships with those abusers, with the parents, because it's just like this innate desire to be with their own.
00:39:36.239 --> 00:39:37.679
Children want to be with their parents.
00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:38.320
Yeah.
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:38.719
Yeah.
00:39:38.800 --> 00:39:42.000
And so I think it's a, I think it's a really hard thing to do.
00:39:42.239 --> 00:39:45.440
It was the very best thing I could have ever done.
00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:51.760
And we, you know, we spent the past 12 years of just no interaction other than when they would try to contact me.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:39:57.519
And that's why I had to cut my siblings out because I would maintain a relationship with them, but then they would turn around and share information with my parents.
00:39:57.599 --> 00:40:03.280
And then my parents would then send us hate emails and voicemails and call my husband's at work and my brokerage and all these things.
00:40:03.519 --> 00:40:08.880
So, you know, I had to unfortunately distance myself from them too, which was the hardest thing to do.
00:40:09.119 --> 00:40:16.800
You know, and then a few weeks ago we had an insane tragedy in our family and had to bury several family members at once.
00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:20.000
And it's the first time I had seen my siblings in over 10 years.
00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:20.960
That's wild.
00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:22.800
And it was really intense.
00:40:23.119 --> 00:40:26.079
But at the same time, most of them have cut my parents out.
00:40:26.159 --> 00:40:28.559
So we're all kind of going back, and I had no idea.
00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:29.840
And so we were all going back.
00:40:29.920 --> 00:40:33.760
But it was like this moment of wow, I'm not the only one that's got here.
00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:34.159
Yeah.
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:38.559
And did you feel like you were able to kind of help them with their grieving process?
00:40:38.639 --> 00:40:40.320
Is it newer or fresher with them?
00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:45.039
Or has it been a few years and you just weren't aware because you haven't really been in contact with them?
00:40:45.280 --> 00:40:46.159
It's a mixture of both.
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:52.079
Like my oldest brother, Tommy, I think he has this insane desire just to have my dad just validate him, right?
00:40:52.159 --> 00:40:55.280
Like he's always had this need to like just please my dad, make my dad.
00:40:55.599 --> 00:40:57.199
That's really common for oldest boys.
00:40:57.360 --> 00:40:57.679
Yeah, especially.
00:40:57.920 --> 00:40:59.280
And for a boy in his family.
00:40:59.519 --> 00:40:59.760
Yeah.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:03.440
And so I think, like, you know, he cut my parents out, I guess, about two years ago.
00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.679
And then same with my sister, but I didn't know any of this.
00:41:05.840 --> 00:41:13.199
And then my other brother, who's just above me, just recently, you know, moved across the country for his benefit of his family.
00:41:13.440 --> 00:41:20.079
But it was interesting because even talking to them, like when I showed up for the services, I had no intention of interacting with my parents at all.
00:41:20.239 --> 00:41:22.320
Like for me, I've I've grieved them already.
00:41:22.480 --> 00:41:24.719
Like, you know, like that that relationship is gone.
00:41:24.880 --> 00:41:28.480
In my mind, they it sounds horrible, but they're kind of dead to me, right?
00:41:28.559 --> 00:41:30.719
Like I just have nothing left for them.
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:36.159
My siblings, you know, they showed up and they were like in their space and in like their home and doing all these things.
00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:38.800
And in my mind, I'm like, that's that energy I just don't want in my life.
00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:39.119
Yeah.
00:41:39.199 --> 00:41:42.000
So I had those conversations with them while we were there.
00:41:42.079 --> 00:41:44.960
And my sister is very much so going through it right now.
00:41:45.199 --> 00:41:48.159
And when we left the, and so her and I had great conversations.
00:41:48.320 --> 00:42:06.559
And when we left the funeral and everything else, her and I have been texting back and forth, and she sent me these screenshots of messages that my mom had sent to her, and they were just horrible and they were mean, and just everything that my mom has always done, you know, since she's kind of transitioned as the wonderful warm mom she was.
00:42:06.639 --> 00:42:09.280
And when you're in that toxic environment, it kind of just changes you.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:12.079
And so she's become another version of my dad.
00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:14.480
And so she sent my sister these awful messages.
00:42:14.639 --> 00:42:19.599
And so that the space that I had to create was really hard for some of my siblings to understand.
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:23.199
And so I messaged her back and I was like, I, you know, I want to ask you something.
00:42:23.280 --> 00:42:25.199
Like, honestly, how did that make you feel?
00:42:25.360 --> 00:42:30.000
Those moments that those messages came in, like, how did that make you feel inside?
00:42:30.159 --> 00:42:30.400
Right.
00:42:30.559 --> 00:42:38.880
Like, I just like trying to get to like the root of that kind of like central nervous system aspect of what it does to you, that kind of negative energy.
00:42:38.960 --> 00:42:41.679
And she just, I mean, she said exactly what like we had talked about.
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:49.519
Like this was just so just like that immediate like feeling inside of anger, like intense like pain, just all of these things.
00:42:49.599 --> 00:42:52.639
And I was like, that's that right there is exactly why I've cut them out of my life.
00:42:52.719 --> 00:42:54.400
And she said, I just blocked all of them.
00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:55.280
She's like, I'm done.
00:42:55.440 --> 00:43:03.840
I'm done, like for good, you know, because she was trying to, I think, maybe make amends given like the recent passing of everybody and yeah, use it as a moment to kind of build a bridge.
00:43:04.079 --> 00:43:04.480
Yeah, yeah.
00:43:04.559 --> 00:43:09.039
And I think she realized there's no amount of anything here that's going to change them.
00:43:09.119 --> 00:43:14.719
You know, they're in their late 60s and they've been this way since we were tiny babies, and they have no desire to change.
00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:16.239
They don't see it as wrong.
00:43:16.400 --> 00:43:23.599
And I think that that was for me this huge moment of I don't want to call it like validation, but just kind of like a confirmation, I guess, right?
00:43:23.679 --> 00:43:26.239
Where I looked at that and I was like, not is it just me?
00:43:26.400 --> 00:43:28.800
I've got a sister, I've got a brother, I've got another, you know.
00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:35.360
I mean, it's we've got unfortunately one brother who just can't seem to help himself, and he seems to be turning into my father, unfortunately.
00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:49.440
But yeah, I think that's one of those hard things, also that with having a family member who's still alive, kind of as you mentioned, like if someone is dead, you can grieve the loss, and but you know that that was all it was ever gonna be because now the time for redemption is done.
00:43:49.599 --> 00:43:50.320
They've passed.
00:43:50.719 --> 00:43:56.960
But when someone is still alive, I think there can be this element of grieving the thought that they could still change.
00:43:57.119 --> 00:43:59.760
Yes, you know, and so I think there can still be.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:06.239
The hope or the expectation that they might change and you might get the relationship that you hoped for or wanted.
00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:14.639
And so that's its own grieving process, you know, that it sounds like you've made the decision because you you had the proof that you needed.
00:44:14.719 --> 00:44:14.960
Yeah.
00:44:15.119 --> 00:44:18.800
You saw everything you needed to see to make a decision for yourself and for your family.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:22.880
And just yeah, but even still, like I said, like in my mind, like I grieved them.
00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:26.159
I came to terms that like if they were to pass away, I wouldn't go to their funerals.
00:44:26.239 --> 00:44:27.599
Like it wasn't anything that I would need.
00:44:27.679 --> 00:44:31.440
But then, like, two years, my mom suffered with multiple rounds of cancer.
00:44:31.599 --> 00:44:36.079
And about two years ago, I got a message over the holidays that she was quote unquote about to die.
00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:36.480
Right.
00:44:36.639 --> 00:44:39.039
And like they're going on like a family cruise, anyways.
00:44:39.119 --> 00:44:41.119
But just it really hit for some reason.
00:44:41.360 --> 00:44:45.920
I was just like, man, like I thought I had processed this and I had come to terms with it.
00:44:46.239 --> 00:44:47.760
It just really destroyed me.
00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:55.519
And so I was just like, man, like I just because in my mind, I still remember, Krista, like when my mom was like, she was the mom that would put the messages under our pillow.
00:44:55.679 --> 00:44:59.920
Like I remember my mom like multiple times when she ran away from my dad, but she couldn't stake on, right?
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.840
And so I remember the good human that she was, and now that that person is gone.
00:45:04.320 --> 00:45:12.079
And so I think for me in that moment, it was this moment of wanting to just like give her one more opportunity for grace, right?
00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:18.480
And just like, and I've given her that grace, but more just like maybe healing, like if I wasn't gonna be able to say goodbye or something, right?
00:45:18.559 --> 00:45:22.000
And so I sent her a message of like, hey, I heard you're really sick.
00:45:22.079 --> 00:45:25.519
I'm really sorry, you know, just like this, like it was a message of love and care.
00:45:25.679 --> 00:45:26.880
And I hadn't spoken to her and like.
00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:32.880
Yeah, exactly.
00:45:33.039 --> 00:45:47.039
And the way that she responded was very much so the same way she just sent messages to my sister, and it was mean and it was hurtful and cold and just intentionally, intentionally, so just like just to dig at me and hurt me.
00:45:47.679 --> 00:45:50.880
And I remember being like, what the fuck was I thinking?
00:45:51.039 --> 00:45:56.639
Like, this is exactly why I've cut you out of my life, and thank you for confirming why I want nothing to do with that.
00:45:56.880 --> 00:45:58.320
Really validated your decision.
00:45:58.559 --> 00:45:59.599
Yeah, yeah.
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:03.840
I mean, that's heavy, but family can be really heavy.
00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:11.760
This is adulthood, and it's learning to deal with all of the shit that happens in real life.
00:46:11.920 --> 00:46:15.679
Yeah, you know, and as a kid, I think we just don't see it all.
00:46:15.840 --> 00:46:29.199
It takes all of these years of walking in real life to see people for who they truly are, to see relationships for what they truly were, to look at a situation and really be able to break it down and understand it.
00:46:29.360 --> 00:46:29.599
Yeah.
00:46:29.760 --> 00:46:34.159
You know, and I think we'll start to draw this episode to a close.
00:46:34.480 --> 00:46:45.039
And I think as you, you know, as you look back at your own family, as we look back at our families, I think in growing up, it's not always about just making a simple decision that our family was good or bad.
00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:50.960
You know, you can't ever tie things up that simply because there is a little bit of both in everything.
00:46:51.119 --> 00:46:55.039
And so I think for us, it's really just learning to look at it honestly.
00:46:55.599 --> 00:47:06.880
And then as we'll do in our next episode, it's kind of deciding for yourself what to do with that situation now that you've had a look at it and figured it out, you know, or or are working to figure it out.
00:47:07.039 --> 00:47:08.320
How do you move forward?
00:47:08.559 --> 00:47:11.760
How do you maintain or not maintain those relationships?
00:47:11.840 --> 00:47:17.840
What boundaries do you put in place to protect yourself and the family that you're now building, that you're growing for yourself?
00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:19.280
How do you keep your peace?
00:47:19.440 --> 00:47:19.760
Yeah.
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:20.239
You know?
00:47:20.400 --> 00:47:20.559
Yeah.
00:47:20.639 --> 00:47:23.119
Well, I think a lot of that also comes just from life experience, right?
00:47:23.199 --> 00:47:24.800
Like you don't know what you don't know when you're a child.
00:47:24.880 --> 00:47:25.119
Yes.
00:47:25.280 --> 00:47:25.440
Right.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:29.199
And then, like, the more you grow, the more exposure you have to life and people and families.
00:47:29.280 --> 00:47:35.119
You kind of start to it gives you like a moment to press pause and like reevaluate and kind of see everything as the whole thing.
00:47:37.360 --> 00:47:37.760
Yeah.
00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:40.079
And so I think we're gonna leave it there.
00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:41.840
Everyone has their own experience.
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:47.920
I'm sure that, listener, your family is different than the families that we described here.
00:47:48.079 --> 00:47:49.679
Every family is nuanced.
00:47:49.840 --> 00:47:52.960
And I think just sit with it, just reflect on it.
00:47:53.119 --> 00:48:09.599
And next week we'll get more into the topic in talking about, I mean, for ourselves, the decisions that we've made for ourselves now as we're growing our families, and you can do the same, you know, reflect on what decisions you've made for yourself to keep your peace in your life.
00:48:09.840 --> 00:48:17.440
So we are so happy that you took the time to sit here with us, to unpack with us, to reflect with us.
00:48:17.679 --> 00:48:22.320
And we hope that you have a great week and that you will be back with us next week for more.
00:48:22.480 --> 00:48:26.239
So in the meantime, just stay messy and we will talk to you next week.
00:48:26.639 --> 00:48:26.960
Bye.
00:48:28.239 --> 00:48:30.239
Thanks for listening to Messy as Hell.
00:48:30.400 --> 00:48:32.800
Until next time, stay messy.
