Why Doesn't My Child Listen to Me?

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Well hello, hello everyone, it's your girl, Gabrielle else around.
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Welcome to a brand new episode of Hot Topics. Let
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me tell you what the show is about. So this
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is the show where we like to have real talk
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about real things, as I like to say in Triny speak,
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real things. As we are a part of my tutoring company,
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A step ahead tutoring services. I, Gabrielle, am here to
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to you. I'm here to increase your wisdom. I'm here
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to expand your knowledge. I'm here to grow your mindset.
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I'm here for you to evolve. I'm here for you
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to trying to think of some other synonyms, but I'm
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here for you to to elevate yourself. So we're all
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about growth. We're all about elevation, We're all about expansion,
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We're all about attaining wisdom here on Hot Topics. And
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let me tell you the topic of today's show. But
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let me just say one last thing that our goal
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is for you to leave knowing much more than what
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you did coming in. So we want you to take
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we want you to gain more by the time you
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leave this show. And with that said, let's hop right
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into it. So today's topic is let me get my banner.
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Why doesn't my child listen to me? That's the topic
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of today's show. Why doesn't my child listen to me?
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I'm sure as parents, as caregivers, you know, we have
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those moments where the our children, they don't want to
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hear us, they don't want to listen to us, they
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ignore us. You know. It's sort of like talking to
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a brick wall, or it's just talking to air, right,
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and you have those moments of frustration, why doesn't my
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child listen to me? And we are going to dive
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into that. So I have my guest who's going to
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help me with that discussion. Who's going to help me
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answer that question. His name is David Marcus, and I'm
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going to tell you more about him. So who is
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David Marcus? Well, let me tell you so. In today's
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challenging world, parents require new tools to help their children
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develop a healthy self image and emotional resilience. Many still
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use parenting techniques from their own upbringing, which often do
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not apply to current issues like the impact of social media,
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financial stress, and the challenges of dual income households. Here
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comes doctor David Marcus, a clinical psychologist with over forty
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years of experience, he offers valuable insights into developing effective
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emotional communication between parents and children. He provides step by
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step strategies tailored for various stages of child development, focusing
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on how to help parents create a common emotional language,
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tolerate intense emotions through the empty out process, and serve
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as a soothing presence for their children. Additionally, he discusses
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avoiding common parenting mistakes, understanding the emotional impact of high
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conflict situations, and distinguishing effective discipline from punishment, making him
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a sought after resource in the Cincinnati area on parent
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child communication and child advocacy. Beautiful, beautiful, all right, So,
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without further ado, I'm going to go ahead and bring
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doctor Marcus to the stage.
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Heello going, Okay, thanks for having me on. I appreciate it.
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Wonderful, wonderful.
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So it made me sound good by the way.
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I mean. Oh man, all right, well let's yeah, let's
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let's get right into it. So I'm sure you know,
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parents listening right now, they want to know, you know,
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why why ain't my child listening? Why ain't my child
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doing what I tell them to do? You know? So
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what say you to that?
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Well, what I'd like to speak to parents about, especially
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young parents, is how you can develop an emotional access
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to your children. You know, what I tell parents is,
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you know, if you have access to your children's emotionality,
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you'll have influence on it. You know, most parents how
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we were brought up, and see, we simply react to
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what our children do, good or good or ill. But
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that doesn't really teach them how to become emotionally capable.
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All right, they may teach them a lesson, but one
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of the biggest assumptions that that parents make, especially with
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punishment for instance, is that the message they're getting across
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their children, which just typically don't do that again, it's
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actually the message that they're receiving, you know, instead of
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that that you could be like, mommy's being mean again,
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or they can't tell me what to do and you know,
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but you and you don't realize that because you don't
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have access to their emotional perceptions. In order to have access,
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you start early in developing an emotional language. I'd like
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to talk to your audience about the four assumptions that
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we make about our children's emotionality. And again this is
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you know, we'll get to you know what happens if
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it doesn't work. But this is really how you form
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that type of relationship with your children. Okay, So I'll
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start start with these assumptions of emotionality, and they're developmental
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in nature, you know, like I said, their earliest one.
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And these are assumptions that we all make, by the way,
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and if any of these assumptions are false, you won't
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get an answer from your child. You'll get a blowoff,
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you'll get you know, change is subject. They just won't
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listen and these are the things that could be in
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their way of listening to you. The first assumption is
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the earliest one. Children. We assume children have their emotions,
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that they feel them. Well, this is a pretty safe
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assumption to make. You know, children know when they're mad,
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when they're sad, when they're happy. And it's only in
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cases of extreme abuse or neglect at a very early
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age that a child will actually divorce themselves from their emotions.
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That's a very rare thing and the way I know
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it as a clinical psychologist, I've only seen a couple
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three cases like this. The children were not able to play.
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All children play, and if they can't play, they're not
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in touch with their emotional self. They've been so intruded
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upon by their environment that they lose that in imaginary
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space that we all know children have. But that's very rare,
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and actually, if that persists, what you're going to end
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up with is a sociopath, somebody who can do something
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and feel nothing because they don't have their emotions. Now,
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that's very rare, and I'm not going to say, oh, parents,
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worry about this. The second assumption, which we cannot make
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easily is can my child tolerate the intensity of their emotions?
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And any parent who has had young children knows that
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they experience their emotions very intensely, the temper tantrum, whatever
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it may be, and they can't really control that. No,
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as adults, we have ways to control that, which is,
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we compare it to previous experiences, say this is better
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than this, but worse than that, and this is what
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I did, and this is what I'll do again. We
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also have the language to express it. Some children don't
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have either one of those, so they experience things very intensely,
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and when you try to talk to them about it
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and they don't have the language, they re experienced the
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experience in their original intensity. All Right, and so I mean,
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I've had I remember little girl that I was shooting
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who was three, and I asked her a question about
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some situation. As she went like this, she couldn't stand
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even hearing the question, you know, because it just brought
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back such intensity in her. So how do you make
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it less intense? And I want to talk to you know,
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parents about the role they play in that. The next
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assumption of the ladder. Okay, they have their emotions, they
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can tolerate the intensity of them, but then do they
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have the language to express it? Now, parents really make
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an error here, Oh, my child is very bright, they
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have a good vocabulary, and they make that silent assumption
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that their child can express themselves emotionally effectively. That's a
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big assumption because that's not true. That comes from a
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parent attending to the child and developing what I call
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a common emotional language with the child, and how to
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do that. We can talk about it. Okay, without that,
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you're not going to be able to communicate because with
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the communications as children grow up is through words. I mean,
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how many times have parents turned to their young children
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and said, don't hit your brother, use your words. Yeah,
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if they could, they would because they don't want to
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get into trouble. I had two brothers, and i'll share
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this anecdo with your with your audience. They were eight
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and ten, and I was I had just seen them,
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and I was talking to their mom for a few
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minutes in my office and they were in the waiting
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room outside the door, and all of a sudden, we
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hear a scream and we both jumped up and we
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went out there and there's a ten year old holding
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his arm like this in tears, and there's the eight
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year old looking like, oh boy, I'm in trouble now.
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And so mom says, what happened, And of course I'm
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a psychologist, so I'm observing this. He bit me, and
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the child lists his shirt and he's got teeth marks
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on it. I mean, he really got bit. And now
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I'm feeling really bad for the mom. Here she is
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in the psychologist's office and her boys are biting one another.
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And she turned to the eight year old and said, oh,
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I told you to use your words, and he turned
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to her in all innocense and said, I don't know how.
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And I turned to mom and said, that's where we
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have to work on. And once he developed a language,
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a common language with his mom. The you know, the
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equation is the better the language, the more the language,
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the less behavior. It's a pretty simple equation, but that's true.
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So that's the third assumption and the last one, which
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is really big. Betweens and teenagers. They have their emotions,
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they can tolerate them, they have a language. Can I
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safely talk to this person about how I am feeling
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what I am doing now? That is an assumption that
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we cannot make. That comes through the child's history with
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that parent, as far as whether they can trust them
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and feel safe to speak about what's going on with them.
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They're emotional perceptions of things, not just what happened, but
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how they perceive it and how they perceive their parent.
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Even you know, if their history says, well, my mom's
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going to get defensive and yell at me if I
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tell her that I'm mad at her, they're not going
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to talk to mom about being mad at her because
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they're not going to get what they need, which is
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somebody to understand it and to help them work through it. So,
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you know, that's just one very small example of one
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of the things that parents can do that gets in
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the way of their child feeling safe to talk to them. So,
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based on these forests sunctions, how do you address them? Well.
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One of the concepts that I am talking about in
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the book I'm Prepared called parent or ex like parent Prescription,
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which hopefully will be out very soon, is the concept
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of being a soothing presence. Now, what do you mean
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by that? Well, in its simplest form, a soothing presence
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as someone who's okay when we're not okay. As adults,
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when we think about who we turn to when we're upset,
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we pick particular people, family members or friends. But invariably
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these people, these special people, are people who are okay
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when we're not. So how to be that for a
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child and is not as simple as it seems, because
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I use the term a soothing presence rather than a
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soothing person, because you can not be an accommodating, soothing,
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receptive person if you're if you're involved in chaos, if
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you've got a deadline tomorrow, if you know, if you've
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got fifteen emails in return, you know, two income families.
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You know what I'm saying that you know who's who's around,
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and everybody's just putting out fires. You know, the next fire,
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whatever it might be, and we part our kids off
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to you know, playdate or typkwondo class or whatever it
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might be because we don't have the time, and children in
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order to develop the skills like we're talking about, need
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to be attended to. It doesn't happen in a vacuum.
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You're going to have the brightest child in the world
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and they may not have an emotional language, you know,
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and this is a very important part of maturation. I mean,
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we expect a five year old to not have the
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language and fuel your emotions intensely and act out on them,
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you know, five year olds. Yeah, we expect that. But
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a five year old doesn't develop an emotional language tolerates
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emotions later in life. Let's face it, an eighteen year
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old who throws a tenth attantrum can land up in jail.
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I mean, it's a very important part of maturation. It's
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a very important part of parenting. Okay, So how do
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you do that? Is what we need to talk about.
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And if you haven't done it, how can you make
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up for it later? And there are always to do that.
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So I'll stop here and if there's any questions or Gabrielle,
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if you have anything that you'd like to add or
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ask about.
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Yeah, yeah, so thank you, thank you for sharing all
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that I wrote down these assumptions. So I just want
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to clarify. The first one was children have their emotions
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or children handle their emotions.
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First one is children experience their emotions. They actually can
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feel them. Okay, the handling part comes later, is what
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I'm saying.
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So, children feel their emotions, and that's an assumption, and
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you're saying these are false assumptions that parents may silent.
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There's silent assumptions.
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Silent.
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We assume that a child experiences their emotions. We assume
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that they can handle the intensity of their emotions. We
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assume they have an emotional language, and we assume that
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it's safe for them to talk to us.
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Oh so we assume. Oh so, we assume these things,
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and therefore we act according to those assumptions.
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Right. We assume, you know, you think our child has
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a skill to come to us and just say this
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is what's going on, you know, and they may not
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be able to for very lots of different reasons. I've
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only given you the developmental reasons, but there's lots of
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experiential reasons that parents how parents can get in the
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way of this, this this, it's you know this say that.
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Well, I'm also wondering because these are I'm looking at
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these assumptions. Now, these are in the context of the child.
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So I'm wondering, how is it safe to add that
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a lot of parents assume, and I don't know, maybe
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I'm talking from personal experience, that a lot of parents
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assume the child can understand uh not maybe not emotions,
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but that they can un they'll understands adult behavior. So
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something like, hm, you know why why mommy is not
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home all the time, or or you know why you
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know or why daddy hits me whenever he's angry, or
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I mean, I mean it may not go to the
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extreme of child's abuse, but I'm monsterering. Is it also
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the assumption of or even something like when a parent
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gets angry when the child doesn't turn off the lights
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or their the air conditioners on too long or the
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heat is on too long because you know, the parents
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have the fear of the electric bill, right, or when
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a child or the whenever a child is like, you know,
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I want to go to McDonald's and the you know,
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the mom is like I know from my experience might
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be like you have McDonald's money right with the you know,
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with the hidden assumption that that's too expensive. I don't
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have that money to pay for that, right, So I
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wonder if it's Could it also be that the parent
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assumes the child understands adult emotions or they understand adult behaviors.
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I don't know if my question is making sense.
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Well, I'm trying to piece it together, you know, but
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your child understand your children understand adult behavior.
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Maybe adult emotions. Let me let me let me rephrase
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it this line, so because I'm wondering, like, okay, so
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let's say the child takes something out of the fridge,
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but they leave the fridge door open, they don't close it.
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The mom gets angry at the child and says close
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the door, but maybe the child they close it, but
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they okay. The next day they do it again, right,
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they take something out the fridge, they don't close the door.
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Mom gets angry, close the door, child close the door.
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And then it happens again, maybe like three days later,
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child opens the fridge, takes something out, they don't close
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the door. Mom snaps, right.
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Okay, So.
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I think it's is it? What is there I'm wondering
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if there's the if the parent also well, let me
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say that, so the child may not understand that when
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you leave the fridge door open, the things in the
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fridge don't stay cold and therefore can spoil. Or they
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don't understand that it takes electricity to keep keep the
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fridge running, and so when you leave the door open,
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it's actually pulling more electricity to keep things cold. And
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the more electricity that's being used, the more the parent
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has to pay for it in the electric bill. Right,
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so they may not understand Mom is angry because you
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keep leaving the door open, not realizing that you're actually
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using pulling more electricity when you do that because things
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it's not being trapped inside the fridge, or that food
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is about to spoil because you left the door open
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and Mom has to go buy grocery shopping. But now
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things are expensive, right, so the child may not understand
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all that. So I'm wondering if, with my long winded
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explanation is do you is there an assumption from the
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parent that the child understands that things are expensive or
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you know, should is there an expectation that the child
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should understand why things are expensive or not why things
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are expensive. I'm sorry, I'm very long winded, But is
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any if that's making sense? That's really bad. I'm sorry.
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Is there an expectation from the parent that the child
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should understand adult worries or adult concerns, or why you
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need to keep the fridge clothes because things spoil or
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you need to keep the fridge clothes because it's pulling
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out more electricity in order to keep things cold. And
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when you use more electricity it translates into money, which
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then mommy has to pay, so that the more electricity
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is the more money money, and Mommy doesn't have to
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pay that money, doesn't want to pay that right. How
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does that makes any sense? I'm so sorry.
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Well, I'm gonna trying to make sense of it. Yeah,
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we'll work it out. First of all, it depends on
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the age of the child. Obviously, you don't expect a
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four year old understand about electricity and money and stuff
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like that. It's out of their kind of experience, all right,
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they don't. They don't think that way. Now, an older
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child may understand that. It may have been explained to
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them four times, which is why mom's so frustrated, right,
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And the question becomes, and I've used this term before,
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what is the child's emotional perception of mom saying close
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that door? Okay? It could be I want to please mom,
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so I'll close the door. But obviously that's not happening,
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is it because Mom has used has not done discipline correctly,
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which is a whole topic we have to talk about.
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You know, there's a history here, in other words, where
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the child saying, oh, here goes Mama again, and he's
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being most typically it's called passive aggressive and says, Okay,
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I'm just not going to listen. I'm just not going
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to do it because I'm mad at mammy, or because
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Mommy is a pain in the neck, or whatever it
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might be. But the parent is just reacting to the
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behavior without gaining to the source of why the child's
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doing it, you see what I'm saying. And until they
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get to that source, the child's going to do that.
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If they get punished severely enough for it, they'll do
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something called symptom substitution. Okay, I'll close your door there,
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but I'll do something else to show you that I'm
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still mad at you. You know, I'll leave a mess
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in my room. I'll do you know something like that?
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And the parent. What typically happens when the parent doesn't
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have access to their children's and emotional perceptions is they
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simply react to the behavior. Okay, if you didn't learn
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your lesson when the grounded you for two days, on
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the ground you for five days. Well, now if the
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child thinks you're you know, mom's being mean. Now, all
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they're saying is Mom's reading a jerk. You know what
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I'm saying. And the child has not learned what's important here,
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which is how to make well adviised decisions about what
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you do. All they're doing is reacting to mom's discipline.
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You know. Actually it's not discipline as punishment. There actually
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is a difference that I can explain to your listening
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audience between discipline and punishment. We use those terms sort
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of the same, but they're not all right. And so
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what I'm assuming here, unless a child's very young and
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simply doesn't understand that in his mind, is you know,
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one hundred different places. The older child six, seven or eight,
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you know, older and older, they're reacting to something within them.
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They're giving mom a message of some sort that all
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she's doing is reacting rather than responding to. What I
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try to help parents to do is learn how to
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respond to these types of things so that y'ad can
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actually learn something from the experience, not just don't do
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it again. Because don't do it again it's not going
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to teach him anything because that's not the message they're getting.
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They're extending. Mom's being a mean again, Dad's a jerk.
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You know, you see what I mean. These are the
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assumptions that parents make. And the reason I know I'm
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a parent myself. But the reason I know is because
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I've seen hundreds of children and they tell me these
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things once they get access to their emotional perceptions as
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you know, oh, you know my dad's this, I ignore him,
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or you know, I'm afraid of my dad, or my
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mom is always away, so why should I do what
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she tells me to do? And you know, it's all
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kind of pick your variation of a theme, you know
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I'm saying. But without access to that knowledge of that,
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all you're going to keep doing is respond to their
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react to their behavior, and it's not going to work
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very well. First of all, it's not going to teach
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them any different. Second, once they hit teenagers, you know
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you can It's becomes a power struggle, and parents invariably
401
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lose the power struggle with their teenager. The teenager finds
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a way around them. You know, Okay, you're not grounded
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for five days, you're grounded for a month. Well, good
404
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luck grounding somebody for a month. I mean, it's just
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not going to happen. You know, they'll find a way
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around it. And then all they do is resent you.
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They know they can't talk to you, so they'll go
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talk to somebody else, probably another teenager who can't talk
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to their parents either, which is not a good mix,
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as you can imagine, you know, And so there's a
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lot that needs to be developed here between parents and
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children to avoid that. You know, why isn't my child
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listen to me? I gave you the basic assumptions, but
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how they play out is that's where the skill comes in.
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That's what your audience needs to understand. How to be
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a soothing present, how to develop a language, how to
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make it safe for your child to share their emotional
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perceptions so that they can learn. We use the term
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resilience a lot, Gabrielle. It's sort of become a catchword.
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You know, my child is resilient, resilien? What does resilient mean?
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A lot of parents use it as an excuse. Oh,
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they'll bounce back, they're resilient. What do you mean they're
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going to bounce back? How are they going to bounce back?
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You know, but get real quiet and ignore it, and
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you push it down because they can't talk about it. Oh,
426
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I guess it's okay. Because they're not talking about it.
427
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That's not resilience. That's repression, and at least a depression.
428
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You know. It doesn't work that way. So what is resilience.
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I'm going to give you my definition of resilience because
430
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it fits into what we're talking about. When a child
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can relate a difficult experience, tolerate the intense emotions of it,
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feel free to express it so they can work it
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out so it doesn't stay inside very intense. That's the
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soothing presence's job. And then work with that soothing presence
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that other person to kind of figure out what to
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do about it. Okay, And we have a common word
437
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for that. It's called wisdom. The child is gained wisdom,
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been there, done that, know what to do. This is
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a lifelong process, and when a child grows up. We
440
00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:38.480
don't call it resilience anymore. You know, we call it
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stress tolerance. We call it stress tolerance. They can handle
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stressful situations, and this is how they do it. And
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what's one thing that parents need to understand is there
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are certain things that they have children taken from them.
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Are unspoken. It's called internalization. They internalize certain things from
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their parents. All right, it's unspoken. It's just a reaction.
447
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And one of those things is how to react to stress.
448
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If a parent aggresses against stress banks, whatever it might be,
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their child when they grow up will do the same thing.
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That's what they know. This is one of the reasons
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why children who have been abused, when they grow up,
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they will swear up down in sideways they would never
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do to their own children what happened to them. But
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under significant stress, we what's called regress. We regress back
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to these internalized responses and they'll hit they'll regret it
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later once they're not regressed anymore, but now it's been
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passed down. So you know, this is why there's family
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histories of abuse. The nice thing about what I'm talking about,
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if you're a soothing presence at the parent commuts and
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help their child to gain wisdom in this way by
461
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working out their own situations, the child will grow up
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00:31:11.599 --> 00:31:14.319
and they've internalized that soothing presence that they can do
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that for their spouse and their children. It's a wonderful legacy.
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But in order to do that, you've got to I
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talk to parents sometimes about lifestyle. You know, if you're
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always distracted and you're always you know, on edge yourself,
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there's no way you're going to be able to be
468
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calm and receptive to your children and children if this
469
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isn't something they just want, you know, attention, They want attention.
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I don't like that term because it denotes negative attention,
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you know, and that's not it. Okay. If a child's
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seeking negative attention is a reason for it, and the
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reason for it is because when they try it other
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ways of getting the parent to it ten to them,
475
00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:05.599
it didn't work. Let me explain this a little bit further,
476
00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:14.359
if I may the analogy I use, okay, the difference
477
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:19.960
between a want and a need. Well, we may want
478
00:32:20.559 --> 00:32:23.200
a new van, but guess what, I don't have the
479
00:32:23.279 --> 00:32:25.640
money right now for a new van, so I'll keep
480
00:32:25.680 --> 00:32:28.680
the old one working for a while longer that's something
481
00:32:28.720 --> 00:32:34.119
you want. Something you need is like basic needs like
482
00:32:34.279 --> 00:32:37.920
air and food and water. Now do these needs go
483
00:32:38.039 --> 00:32:41.759
away if you can't afford them. No, if you haven't
484
00:32:41.759 --> 00:32:44.400
had air for three minutes, all you can think about
485
00:32:45.160 --> 00:32:48.519
it's getting that next breath of air. Water in two days,
486
00:32:48.839 --> 00:32:54.519
food maybe in three you know, so they intensify. The
487
00:32:54.559 --> 00:32:57.319
reason I use that analogy is because emotional needs work
488
00:32:57.400 --> 00:33:01.960
the same way. If they're not met, they intensify. Now
489
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:06.720
intensify and the child will do something more visible, sometimes
490
00:33:06.839 --> 00:33:11.000
something more obnoxious, to get the parent to attend to them,
491
00:33:11.640 --> 00:33:14.559
because how are they going to develop an emotional language
492
00:33:14.599 --> 00:33:17.880
or feel safe? How are they going to how they
493
00:33:17.960 --> 00:33:20.160
going to build their self esteem? Because self esteem is
494
00:33:21.119 --> 00:33:25.400
the experiences that form self esteem start external to the child,
495
00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:28.640
which we can talk about as well, and eventually those
496
00:33:28.680 --> 00:33:32.319
are internalized and the child now feels a sense of
497
00:33:32.440 --> 00:33:36.839
themselves that they feel good about themselves. Okay, that needs
498
00:33:36.880 --> 00:33:42.720
to be attended to. Children need predictable time and predictable parents.
499
00:33:44.079 --> 00:33:46.640
You know, if you think about it, the basis of
500
00:33:46.799 --> 00:33:54.480
any emotional relationship is predictability. You know, when we first
501
00:33:54.519 --> 00:33:57.400
meet somebody, we spend a lot of time together and
502
00:33:57.759 --> 00:34:01.599
we're assessing in different situations how they react, and the
503
00:34:01.720 --> 00:34:05.880
more we can trust their reactions, the more we trust
504
00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:09.679
them and can divulte more about ourselves. That's courtship a
505
00:34:09.719 --> 00:34:13.840
lot of the times, you know, seriously dating somebody. Well,
506
00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:17.719
for children, having a parent there at predictable time, so
507
00:34:17.840 --> 00:34:19.840
they know when their parents going to be there for them,
508
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:22.360
and how if they can predict how their parents are
509
00:34:22.400 --> 00:34:26.440
going to react when they try to talk them tough things,
510
00:34:28.679 --> 00:34:31.199
that's the basis of not only them trusting their parents,
511
00:34:31.239 --> 00:34:35.960
but it's also the basis of their security. Okay, this
512
00:34:36.199 --> 00:34:41.639
is why, for instance, children of alcoholics have a very
513
00:34:41.719 --> 00:34:47.360
difficult time because an alcoholic, the alcohol makes you unpredictable.
514
00:34:47.400 --> 00:34:49.800
You can be a happy one time when you're drinking,
515
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:52.159
it can be really mean the next time. You know,
516
00:34:52.440 --> 00:34:57.639
there's no predicting. The impact of alcohol depends on the situation,
517
00:34:57.880 --> 00:35:04.320
depends on you know, disinhibited responses, which is part of alcoholism.
518
00:35:05.280 --> 00:35:07.960
And so the child, you know, doesn't know what to
519
00:35:08.039 --> 00:35:11.960
expect and they can't trust that person and they feel insecure.
520
00:35:14.360 --> 00:35:16.320
I have to talk to parents about things like that,
521
00:35:17.480 --> 00:35:21.800
you know, because their children need them to be predictable
522
00:35:22.719 --> 00:35:27.679
and predictably responsive, and if you're not, if the work's
523
00:35:27.719 --> 00:35:29.800
getting in the way or anything else is getting in
524
00:35:29.880 --> 00:35:32.760
the way, and you can't find predictable time with your kids,
525
00:35:32.800 --> 00:35:35.559
and you can't be predictable because you're scattered to the
526
00:35:35.639 --> 00:35:40.679
winds because there's modern day in pingements on you. You know,
527
00:35:40.840 --> 00:35:44.599
like I said, financial stress, fighting with your spouse, of
528
00:35:45.519 --> 00:35:50.000
your kids are acting up. Okay, you're reacting. You know,
529
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:53.960
you're not really helping this process that's beginning to talk about,
530
00:35:54.280 --> 00:35:58.360
which I'd like to talk about the actual process, you know,
531
00:35:58.480 --> 00:36:01.400
in a moment. Is there any other questions you may
532
00:36:01.480 --> 00:36:03.440
have before I go into that?
533
00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:19.280
So are you So are you saying that, like like,
534
00:36:19.480 --> 00:36:24.320
children respond the way they do because they're reacting to
535
00:36:24.440 --> 00:36:28.119
their environment. They're reacting to what parents are doing.
536
00:36:29.639 --> 00:36:32.400
Yeah, I am saying that if it starts early enough,
537
00:36:32.519 --> 00:36:37.320
that's true. Later on they have experiences outside the home,
538
00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:40.719
they may be reacting to those, But how they react
539
00:36:42.159 --> 00:36:45.480
it's the parents responsibility. It's sort of this is how
540
00:36:45.559 --> 00:36:48.559
we deal with these things. We do use all words.
541
00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:53.559
We do try to handle the intensity of what you're experiencing.
542
00:36:54.159 --> 00:36:57.199
And I am here for you in a predictable way.
543
00:36:58.239 --> 00:36:59.400
So you can do that with me.
544
00:37:00.159 --> 00:37:06.360
Gain wisdom, okay, because you know, between the ages of
545
00:37:06.480 --> 00:37:10.239
thirteen and nineteen, these children are supposed to become adults.
546
00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:13.440
And what we really want is adults, you know, young
547
00:37:13.480 --> 00:37:17.400
adults who make what we call well advised decisions and
548
00:37:17.519 --> 00:37:20.000
not just react to a situation, but cope with them.
549
00:37:21.360 --> 00:37:25.440
You know, that's a skill that doesn't just happen because
550
00:37:25.480 --> 00:37:29.679
you hit eighteen. You see what I'm saying, And so
551
00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:33.519
this is an essential part of parenting, and I'm glad
552
00:37:33.559 --> 00:37:36.119
we're getting a chance to really explore it to Gabrielle
553
00:37:36.719 --> 00:37:40.039
because I've had to go through this so many times
554
00:37:40.119 --> 00:37:43.679
with parents because they don't realize how to truly have
555
00:37:43.760 --> 00:37:48.119
an impact on their children. They just assume that, you know,
556
00:37:48.599 --> 00:37:51.079
if I do the logical thing, which is, you know,
557
00:37:51.320 --> 00:37:53.239
give a consequence stuff, don't do it again. A lot
558
00:37:53.280 --> 00:37:57.360
of you know, straight behavior modification, it doesn't work because
559
00:37:57.400 --> 00:38:01.800
the all the assumptions that you're making about child. You know,
560
00:38:02.559 --> 00:38:09.239
mm hmm. If your child has attentional difficulties, okay, they're
561
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:14.320
not going to remember to close that confrigerated door. Okay,
562
00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:18.039
they have a very short attention span. I'm not you know,
563
00:38:18.320 --> 00:38:20.039
it's not an excuse. You have to work with that,
564
00:38:20.800 --> 00:38:23.639
you know, and you can work with that. But I'm
565
00:38:23.719 --> 00:38:25.400
just saying, there's so many things that can get in
566
00:38:25.519 --> 00:38:29.480
the way parents being able to really understand what's going
567
00:38:29.519 --> 00:38:30.360
on with their children.
568
00:38:31.320 --> 00:38:35.840
So, now is it Are you saying it's so with
569
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:39.639
that example, you know, not closing the refrigerator door, you're
570
00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:43.239
saying it depends on the age, But so there should
571
00:38:43.280 --> 00:38:47.239
be an understanding of the mindset of a child. So
572
00:38:47.719 --> 00:38:50.440
that's what you're saying. So like a four year old
573
00:38:50.639 --> 00:38:54.920
may not understand why the door should be closed, right,
574
00:38:55.199 --> 00:38:58.360
it's you know, because they don't have a full awareness
575
00:38:59.760 --> 00:39:01.960
about that age. We're just saying, like a fourteen year
576
00:39:02.000 --> 00:39:05.119
old should understand why to keep the door closed. And
577
00:39:05.360 --> 00:39:07.679
if they don't close the fridge door, you're saying, it's
578
00:39:08.679 --> 00:39:09.760
something deeper going on.
579
00:39:10.559 --> 00:39:14.360
Yeah, there's a reason for it. They're simply really, you
580
00:39:14.440 --> 00:39:18.440
have to figure out the reason. Okay. Are they just
581
00:39:18.559 --> 00:39:21.599
being an obnoxious fourteen year old saying you can't tell
582
00:39:21.639 --> 00:39:24.199
me what to do? That's not a typical of a
583
00:39:24.280 --> 00:39:26.880
fourteen year old. They're going through a process called individuation,
584
00:39:27.400 --> 00:39:31.199
which means I gotta be me. And then when you
585
00:39:31.280 --> 00:39:33.000
start telling them what to do with your finger in
586
00:39:33.039 --> 00:39:35.519
their face. You got to do this, do this. They say,
587
00:39:35.599 --> 00:39:38.440
you're treating me like a kid. I won't tolerate it anymore.
588
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:41.079
You can't treat me like a kid, you know, and
589
00:39:41.159 --> 00:39:43.679
they'll do the opposite of rebel as they call it,
590
00:39:44.400 --> 00:39:49.880
you know. Yeah, ironically, adolescents have to rebel. How seriously
591
00:39:49.960 --> 00:39:52.519
they rebel It depends on the relationship with you know,
592
00:39:52.599 --> 00:39:56.760
with their environment and their parents. But you can handle,
593
00:39:57.199 --> 00:39:58.760
you know, rebellion if you know how to do it.
594
00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:03.159
But they have to because who do children individuate from
595
00:40:04.800 --> 00:40:13.679
their parents? Right? It's true. I had a it's a face.
596
00:40:13.880 --> 00:40:16.719
I had a friend and she had a very sweet daughter,
597
00:40:17.599 --> 00:40:21.800
you know, pinks and whites and nice and compliant, very nice.
598
00:40:23.159 --> 00:40:29.840
And she hit fifteen black, those rings whatever, you know
599
00:40:29.880 --> 00:40:34.440
what I mean. She gave her mom hell all during
600
00:40:34.519 --> 00:40:37.760
that year. Okay, you can't tell me how she hit
601
00:40:37.880 --> 00:40:43.039
sixteen Off, came the rings, off, came this, you know,
602
00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:46.440
all went the black and the eyeliner and all that
603
00:40:46.519 --> 00:40:49.440
other kind of stuff. And she turned to her mom
604
00:40:50.039 --> 00:40:52.119
and said, you know, mom, you're not half the jerk
605
00:40:52.159 --> 00:40:57.920
you were last year. Like, oh, the mom didn't do
606
00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:01.519
anything different, you know, you know, they have to become
607
00:41:01.559 --> 00:41:05.360
their own person and how they have to become and
608
00:41:05.440 --> 00:41:09.840
then they individuate from their parents. Okay, so that needs
609
00:41:09.880 --> 00:41:15.239
to be handled. And if you've developed this capacity with
610
00:41:15.400 --> 00:41:17.400
your child to be a soothing presence and make it
611
00:41:17.480 --> 00:41:20.480
safe for them, you will help them deal with things
612
00:41:20.599 --> 00:41:26.599
like you know, rebellion, peer pressure, all the new identities
613
00:41:26.639 --> 00:41:28.840
that come up in adolescence, which is like the sexual
614
00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:32.519
identity and status, the popularity thing becomes important, all these
615
00:41:32.599 --> 00:41:37.480
things that are very very difficult for young teenagers and
616
00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:40.199
you can help them with that if you have access
617
00:41:41.199 --> 00:41:45.320
access to their emotions. Is influence Without it, all you're
618
00:41:45.320 --> 00:41:49.760
doing is reacting to their behavior. So is it.
619
00:41:51.360 --> 00:41:53.480
A lot of parents are just a lot of parents
620
00:41:53.519 --> 00:41:56.559
are reactionary. Like I'm getting a sense from like there
621
00:41:56.639 --> 00:42:00.400
needs to be an understanding of the developmental stage of
622
00:42:00.440 --> 00:42:05.079
the child. So like teenagers, teenagers are going to rebel
623
00:42:05.239 --> 00:42:08.239
because they're as you were talking about the figuring out
624
00:42:08.679 --> 00:42:14.159
sexual identity. You know, there's peer pressure, there's adel I
625
00:42:14.159 --> 00:42:21.039
would even add academic pressures from school as well. Yeah,
626
00:42:21.159 --> 00:42:24.400
there's also a lot of maybe more so boys with
627
00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:30.960
like hormonal hormonal changes. Maybe middle school middle schools will
628
00:42:31.000 --> 00:42:34.719
be more girls, but there's also biological changes that's going on,
629
00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:38.800
and they may not fully you know, all of a sudden,
630
00:42:38.960 --> 00:42:46.239
like like your twelve year old is moodier now, right, right,
631
00:42:46.519 --> 00:42:49.559
And and your son used to have a high pitched
632
00:42:49.599 --> 00:42:51.920
voice and now he has a deep voice now and
633
00:42:52.039 --> 00:42:58.119
now he has to know or it could be that too,
634
00:42:58.440 --> 00:43:02.920
like why my sixteen year old boy still has a
635
00:43:03.000 --> 00:43:06.639
high pitched voice, right, So it might be all these
636
00:43:06.760 --> 00:43:11.760
biological changes or even non biological changes, right, and it's
637
00:43:12.360 --> 00:43:17.960
it's factoring all those things in, Like the kids are
638
00:43:19.039 --> 00:43:25.039
going through a lot of you know, all these I
639
00:43:25.119 --> 00:43:30.960
guess changes and pressures and and you know, if I'm
640
00:43:31.039 --> 00:43:35.440
understanding you correctly, that parents should be more understanding of
641
00:43:35.559 --> 00:43:40.679
that and not you know, be so reactionary, like be
642
00:43:40.920 --> 00:43:42.719
you know, maybe they don't want to listen to you.
643
00:43:44.039 --> 00:43:49.039
You know, you know someone was I don't know, and
644
00:43:49.119 --> 00:43:50.960
I don't know how to phrase them no.
645
00:43:51.039 --> 00:43:54.280
No, no, no, let me let me yeah, respawn before
646
00:43:54.320 --> 00:43:56.920
I lose track of all this stuff we're talking about here.
647
00:43:58.400 --> 00:44:01.599
The word understanding, okay, let's because you've used that word
648
00:44:01.639 --> 00:44:07.320
a lot. Gabrielle understanding, all right, like they should understand,
649
00:44:07.840 --> 00:44:12.599
or parents should understand, or their kids should understand. No, no,
650
00:44:13.119 --> 00:44:16.920
we learn from our own experiences. Okay, that's what we
651
00:44:17.079 --> 00:44:21.920
need to do. What we understand comes from what we've experienced,
652
00:44:22.599 --> 00:44:26.199
all right. So they should throw them out, all right,
653
00:44:26.360 --> 00:44:30.599
because our job is to help them to live through
654
00:44:30.639 --> 00:44:35.199
these experiences and learn from them. You know, Dad tells
655
00:44:35.239 --> 00:44:38.239
his son, don't go out and drink twelve beers. I
656
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:40.800
did it when I was your age, and I ended
657
00:44:40.880 --> 00:44:43.519
up with my head in a toilet bowl. So what
658
00:44:43.599 --> 00:44:46.840
does his fifteen year old son do. He goes out
659
00:44:46.840 --> 00:44:50.280
with his buddy's and drinks thirteen beers, ends up with
660
00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:53.679
his face and the top toilet bowl, and Dad says, oh,
661
00:44:53.760 --> 00:44:55.639
why did you do that? I told you that was
662
00:44:55.679 --> 00:44:58.039
going to happen. You can bet your bottom dollar that
663
00:44:58.119 --> 00:45:02.920
Grandpa told dad the same thing. We learn from our
664
00:45:02.960 --> 00:45:05.920
own experience. Now there's limits on this. I don't want
665
00:45:06.000 --> 00:45:08.000
parents to say, oh, just let your kid just run
666
00:45:08.079 --> 00:45:10.960
wild and do whatever they have just to have the experience. No, no,
667
00:45:11.159 --> 00:45:13.800
we can't do that. The adolescent brain does not make
668
00:45:13.840 --> 00:45:17.440
good decisions, period, because it's not grown up yet. The
669
00:45:17.519 --> 00:45:22.880
executive function is not complete. So no, you're not going
670
00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:24.719
to the Heroin party. I'm sorry. You know, you know
671
00:45:24.800 --> 00:45:28.360
there's obvious stupid things like that, but it's always this
672
00:45:29.280 --> 00:45:31.920
blurry boundary because a child says, you can't treat me
673
00:45:32.039 --> 00:45:33.440
like a kid, and you're telling me what I can
674
00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:36.000
and cannot do, you know, treating me like a child.
675
00:45:36.440 --> 00:45:39.719
But the parent is still responsible for this child, this teenager,
676
00:45:40.199 --> 00:45:42.599
and they can't just say, okay, just go, I don't care,
677
00:45:42.760 --> 00:45:45.639
just do whatever you want. They can't do that, not
678
00:45:45.719 --> 00:45:48.559
only just legally, but it's not good for the teenager.
679
00:45:48.880 --> 00:45:51.039
They can get into trouble, you know what I mean.
680
00:45:51.519 --> 00:45:54.239
But here is an ironic part of what I'm talking about, Gambrielle.
681
00:45:54.480 --> 00:46:00.840
There's something called the golden child's syndrome. Child syndrome, and
682
00:46:00.920 --> 00:46:05.639
what does that mean. Well, if a teenager is too good,
683
00:46:06.559 --> 00:46:09.880
if they do everything their parents tell them to do,
684
00:46:10.880 --> 00:46:13.960
you know, oh my my teenager never rebelled a da
685
00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:18.480
da da da. Parents are making all the decisions and
686
00:46:18.760 --> 00:46:22.239
making a guiding them completely all being a helicopter parent.
687
00:46:24.079 --> 00:46:25.840
They get to college and they're on their own for
688
00:46:25.920 --> 00:46:29.239
the first time, and they go crazy. They don't know
689
00:46:29.320 --> 00:46:32.519
how to make decisions. So they make really dumb ones,
690
00:46:33.760 --> 00:46:35.119
you know, you see what I mean, because they have
691
00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:39.840
no experience making decisions and gaining wisdom and they don't
692
00:46:39.880 --> 00:46:45.639
know how. I think of one teenage girl. You know,
693
00:46:45.760 --> 00:46:48.119
she's pretty, and she was popular and all that good stuff.
694
00:46:48.559 --> 00:46:51.320
Very good kid, and then she went to college and
695
00:46:51.400 --> 00:46:55.159
within six months she was tripping and was pregnant. I mean,
696
00:46:56.159 --> 00:46:59.960
this was a great kid, but her parents were very,
697
00:47:00.039 --> 00:47:02.119
very overbearing and telling her what to do, what to do,
698
00:47:02.239 --> 00:47:04.199
what to do, what to do, and she was afraid
699
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:08.000
of her parents, so she did this, but then she
700
00:47:08.079 --> 00:47:12.199
didn't know what to do and they weren't there. So
701
00:47:12.320 --> 00:47:15.519
there's a lot to this that we're talking about. We
702
00:47:15.639 --> 00:47:17.679
really should talk about. I think if you want to
703
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:24.199
how to go about this process of helping a child
704
00:47:24.320 --> 00:47:28.400
mature emotionally, you know, the steps that parents can take
705
00:47:29.239 --> 00:47:32.039
to be a soothing presence, to develop a language to
706
00:47:32.320 --> 00:47:34.320
you know, to make it safe for the child to
707
00:47:34.440 --> 00:47:37.840
talk to you. Well, we're talking now, important that is,
708
00:47:37.920 --> 00:47:41.320
but we're not talking about how to do it, you know,
709
00:47:41.920 --> 00:47:43.679
And if you wish we can go into that, and
710
00:47:43.760 --> 00:47:45.320
we can still have time to do it, it's up
711
00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:45.519
to you.
712
00:47:47.320 --> 00:47:48.679
I mean, we may have to do a part two
713
00:47:48.760 --> 00:47:53.119
on this, but I would like to talk more about discipline.
714
00:47:53.159 --> 00:47:58.280
I'm sure parents want to know, you know, okay, because
715
00:47:58.320 --> 00:48:01.159
I grew up in the era of you know, the
716
00:48:01.320 --> 00:48:08.000
pow pow right, you know, but you know, I'm sure,
717
00:48:09.440 --> 00:48:12.639
I'm sure you know parents have questions about the right
718
00:48:12.679 --> 00:48:15.639
way to discipline. So I have to I may have
719
00:48:15.800 --> 00:48:21.119
to schedule you for a part two. But yeah, so
720
00:48:21.360 --> 00:48:24.760
I guess what what is the what is the main
721
00:48:24.840 --> 00:48:28.000
lesson here? Because I guess my thing is like so
722
00:48:28.119 --> 00:48:32.440
you're saying, don't use the word should and understand I
723
00:48:32.639 --> 00:48:35.880
feel And maybe again it might be me talking from
724
00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:48.199
personal experience, but it's a lot of it is maybe
725
00:48:48.320 --> 00:48:51.440
like I wonder if it's also like parents not taking
726
00:48:51.480 --> 00:48:55.880
the time to explain why not to do certain things,
727
00:48:56.840 --> 00:49:00.559
because I think the rebellion comes from, well, I see
728
00:49:00.599 --> 00:49:03.079
my friends do it, why can't I do it right?
729
00:49:03.800 --> 00:49:06.760
Or it could be well you don't do it? How
730
00:49:06.800 --> 00:49:08.760
you telling me not to do it and you don't
731
00:49:08.800 --> 00:49:08.960
do it?
732
00:49:10.559 --> 00:49:11.599
So it's also.
733
00:49:14.119 --> 00:49:17.119
Modeling as well. And I've I've also had my moments
734
00:49:17.159 --> 00:49:20.119
where you know, my parents are like clean your room
735
00:49:21.280 --> 00:49:25.199
and no, they're more like wash the dishes, and I'm like,
736
00:49:25.639 --> 00:49:29.559
but you put them there, so why are you telling
737
00:49:29.599 --> 00:49:32.119
me to wash the dishes? There are your dishes? You
738
00:49:32.320 --> 00:49:37.599
do it, you know, Yeah, I mean I didn't. I
739
00:49:37.599 --> 00:49:40.400
didn't say something, but I thought that.
740
00:49:42.199 --> 00:49:46.400
There's something called the fairness trap, which is part of discipline, right,
741
00:49:47.039 --> 00:49:50.239
and that will take some explaining, you know, a different time.
742
00:49:50.920 --> 00:49:53.400
It's also very important for you know, we haven't gotten
743
00:49:53.440 --> 00:49:55.960
to this part is the actual process of helping your
744
00:49:56.000 --> 00:50:00.400
child develop and you know, emotionally, you know how to
745
00:50:00.519 --> 00:50:02.800
help them to by being a soothing presidence, how to
746
00:50:02.920 --> 00:50:06.719
help them gain an common emotional language, you know, to
747
00:50:08.119 --> 00:50:11.239
to tolerate their intense emotions and making it safe for
748
00:50:11.320 --> 00:50:14.760
them to talk to you. These are skills that parents
749
00:50:14.880 --> 00:50:16.760
need to know. This is what I do for a living.
750
00:50:16.880 --> 00:50:18.920
This is what I advocate to tell you the truth.
751
00:50:19.599 --> 00:50:22.760
In fact, that's what the book is all about. Exactly
752
00:50:22.880 --> 00:50:27.400
that you know. And I give you know samples in
753
00:50:27.400 --> 00:50:30.039
the books so people can understand in real time kind
754
00:50:30.119 --> 00:50:34.400
of parents says, child says. Parents says child's at different ages,
755
00:50:34.519 --> 00:50:37.599
at different situations, And I annotated saying, this is what
756
00:50:37.679 --> 00:50:39.719
you're accomplishing when you do this. This is what you're
757
00:50:39.719 --> 00:50:43.719
accomplishing when you do that, you know, to really help parents.
758
00:50:45.239 --> 00:50:47.079
You know, I've had parents. The reason I wrote the
759
00:50:47.079 --> 00:50:48.800
book is because parents kept saying, you got to write
760
00:50:48.800 --> 00:50:52.360
this down, doctor Marcus, because it's helpful. And or they'll
761
00:50:52.400 --> 00:50:54.159
come and say, well, I wish I had you in
762
00:50:54.199 --> 00:50:56.320
my ear Thursday night when my son is melting down
763
00:50:56.440 --> 00:50:58.639
or something like that. You know, how do I handle
764
00:50:58.719 --> 00:51:01.639
these things? And then you know we can we can
765
00:51:01.760 --> 00:51:05.320
do that on their resource to do that, and here's
766
00:51:05.360 --> 00:51:11.199
a part. Maybe we can finish on this, but I
767
00:51:12.519 --> 00:51:16.039
my ways of accessing their children's emotional perceptions don't need
768
00:51:16.119 --> 00:51:17.920
to go into it now. That's what the therapist does.
769
00:51:18.440 --> 00:51:20.719
I share them with the parents and how to handle those.
770
00:51:22.480 --> 00:51:24.840
The's some things you're mean, how do you handle that?
771
00:51:25.559 --> 00:51:29.679
You know what I mean? That type of thing. I
772
00:51:29.840 --> 00:51:33.400
know parents are really making progress with their kids when
773
00:51:33.440 --> 00:51:35.480
they come to me and tell me what their kids
774
00:51:35.519 --> 00:51:39.639
are experiencing rather than me telling them, because now they
775
00:51:39.719 --> 00:51:43.840
have access. And if I had to leave a phrase
776
00:51:44.039 --> 00:51:47.960
for your listening audience would be access is influence. If
777
00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:51.079
you want to influence your kids, you want to influence
778
00:51:51.199 --> 00:51:54.800
how they grow up and mature, you need access. You
779
00:51:54.880 --> 00:51:57.239
can't just react to them. You need access to what's
780
00:51:57.320 --> 00:52:01.519
going on within them, their emotionality, their emotional experiences, how
781
00:52:01.519 --> 00:52:04.559
they view themselves, how they view themselves in their world,
782
00:52:04.639 --> 00:52:08.599
how they view you, you know, because all that is
783
00:52:08.679 --> 00:52:12.519
the filter to what they're reacting and how they're reacting,
784
00:52:13.440 --> 00:52:16.199
you know. And so without understanding that, what you can
785
00:52:16.239 --> 00:52:18.000
do is say, oh, your bad, go to your room.
786
00:52:18.480 --> 00:52:21.559
You know that's not going to do it. Yeah, anyway,
787
00:52:22.760 --> 00:52:25.639
these topics will not be able to cover in five minutes.
788
00:52:25.679 --> 00:52:26.199
That's true.
789
00:52:27.400 --> 00:52:30.079
This is not going to happen, right, Yeah, we definitely
790
00:52:30.079 --> 00:52:32.800
got to get a part too, all right, So let's
791
00:52:37.360 --> 00:52:41.119
I guess I also would also say, I mean because
792
00:52:41.159 --> 00:52:43.599
I you know, I I would not that, you know,
793
00:52:43.760 --> 00:52:47.599
but I work with kids, and you know I've you know,
794
00:52:47.760 --> 00:52:50.360
seeing things, you know, as watching them grow up, as
795
00:52:50.519 --> 00:52:55.400
you know, looking over my own life. And it's you know,
796
00:52:55.480 --> 00:52:57.639
that's that fairness, Like how are you telling me one
797
00:52:57.719 --> 00:53:00.199
thing and you yourself as a parent don't do it right?
798
00:53:01.360 --> 00:53:03.320
Or I was like, how you telling me this? But
799
00:53:03.440 --> 00:53:06.599
you're not telling my sister this, So you're not telling
800
00:53:06.679 --> 00:53:09.320
my brother this, right, So this is the fairness. And
801
00:53:09.440 --> 00:53:16.679
then there's the and also, and I also think it's
802
00:53:16.800 --> 00:53:21.320
parents not explaining the reasons why. They're just more like,
803
00:53:21.480 --> 00:53:24.840
just do it because I said so, sure, and it's
804
00:53:25.039 --> 00:53:28.400
like okay, but you're not explaining why, right, And I
805
00:53:28.480 --> 00:53:33.639
think there's a there's a frustration on the parent. And
806
00:53:33.719 --> 00:53:37.199
I also think it's a lot of parents don't want
807
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:42.239
to parent right because it's you know, they don't if
808
00:53:42.320 --> 00:53:46.239
they're you know, they don't want to deal with the child,
809
00:53:46.960 --> 00:53:50.599
and it's just do it because I said so, which
810
00:53:50.639 --> 00:53:56.880
I think is a like a a hidden internal frustration.
811
00:53:58.000 --> 00:54:01.559
About child just telling me a child, don't bother me,
812
00:54:02.639 --> 00:54:06.000
leave me alone. You're not important. I've got more important
813
00:54:06.000 --> 00:54:08.199
things to think about. Now. Where is that going to
814
00:54:08.280 --> 00:54:11.280
leave your child's self esteem? You tell me you don't
815
00:54:11.280 --> 00:54:13.480
have to be a psychologist to realize if you ignore
816
00:54:13.519 --> 00:54:16.400
your child, they're going to feel like you don't love them.
817
00:54:17.360 --> 00:54:19.440
You know, you don't attend to them. For all these
818
00:54:19.480 --> 00:54:23.039
other reasons we've mentioned, you don't care. And if you
819
00:54:23.119 --> 00:54:27.960
don't care, there's one good thing about young children. This
820
00:54:28.159 --> 00:54:32.320
is good. It's called elasticity. If a child cannot get
821
00:54:32.360 --> 00:54:35.239
their emotional needs met from one source, they can transfer
822
00:54:35.400 --> 00:54:39.400
to another. Uncle Billy grandma, you know, whatever it might be.
823
00:54:41.000 --> 00:54:44.840
This is one reason why blended families. Young children typically
824
00:54:44.880 --> 00:54:47.159
don't have a problem having two mommies or two daddies,
825
00:54:47.800 --> 00:54:50.599
But if a parent has a problem with it, the
826
00:54:50.719 --> 00:54:52.679
child perceives that and they have to sort of take
827
00:54:52.679 --> 00:54:55.679
a side now. And that's a really bad position to
828
00:54:55.760 --> 00:55:00.079
put a child into. And I cared for that a
829
00:55:00.119 --> 00:55:01.880
childhood in the position and I need to take care
830
00:55:01.880 --> 00:55:05.239
of their parents' feelings. That's a role reversal that's really
831
00:55:05.400 --> 00:55:08.239
destructive to children. They're not they're not capable of that,
832
00:55:08.960 --> 00:55:10.840
but they try because they need their parents to be
833
00:55:10.920 --> 00:55:14.840
okay if they're going to be okay. So there's a
834
00:55:14.920 --> 00:55:18.360
lot to talk about here, Gabrielle talk about.
835
00:55:18.360 --> 00:55:21.480
I'm just gonna throw another tidbit in here. But I'm
836
00:55:21.519 --> 00:55:26.000
also wondering if kind of going back to the fridge thing,
837
00:55:26.159 --> 00:55:29.719
but like, is there an expect I wonder if is
838
00:55:29.800 --> 00:55:35.000
it also an assumption that children are mind readers and
839
00:55:35.320 --> 00:55:37.320
know they should know what the parents are thinking?
840
00:55:39.159 --> 00:55:46.880
Well too, that's my wife I told you on vacation
841
00:55:47.039 --> 00:55:48.760
here and she just walked at the do. I'm sorry
842
00:55:48.760 --> 00:55:56.800
about that. She's gonna be mad at me because I went, yeah, okay, no,
843
00:55:56.960 --> 00:55:58.400
she knew I had this podcast to do.
844
00:55:58.920 --> 00:55:59.320
Mm hmm.
845
00:56:00.840 --> 00:56:02.920
And now I'm distracted, of course.
846
00:56:04.440 --> 00:56:07.280
Sorry, I'll just remind you. So is there is there
847
00:56:07.400 --> 00:56:13.280
also another assumption that parents, an assumption from parents that
848
00:56:13.400 --> 00:56:15.800
children or mind readers and they should just know what
849
00:56:15.920 --> 00:56:18.280
the parents are thinking and whatever.
850
00:56:18.639 --> 00:56:24.440
Want this is that's actually a deep deeper question than
851
00:56:24.599 --> 00:56:28.440
just that to the truth. You know, again, sometimes you
852
00:56:28.519 --> 00:56:30.360
know too much to be dangerous, you know that type
853
00:56:30.360 --> 00:56:36.159
of thing. And anyway, first of all, that's one of
854
00:56:36.199 --> 00:56:39.960
the marital fantasies. My spouse should understand me without my
855
00:56:40.039 --> 00:56:43.039
having to tell them how I'm feeling. Good luck with that,
856
00:56:43.519 --> 00:56:45.320
you know, you want to start an argument you just did?
857
00:56:45.719 --> 00:56:51.679
You know? With children, I guess the simplest question is
858
00:56:51.840 --> 00:56:54.920
why would you assume that? I mean, if you can't
859
00:56:54.960 --> 00:56:56.840
read your child's mind, why should they be able to
860
00:56:56.880 --> 00:57:01.800
read yours? Now, there's there is a concil to this.
861
00:57:01.960 --> 00:57:04.960
You know, children, no matter how much you try to
862
00:57:05.039 --> 00:57:08.119
hide it, they're exquisitely aware of how their parents feel.
863
00:57:09.400 --> 00:57:11.880
You can pick up an infant and if your tens
864
00:57:11.960 --> 00:57:15.760
still cry. So parents try to hide all this stuff,
865
00:57:16.039 --> 00:57:18.559
it doesn't work. The children can sense attention. Now they
866
00:57:18.599 --> 00:57:21.679
can sense this. They you know, they may not express
867
00:57:21.719 --> 00:57:23.559
it because they may be afraid to, or they've never
868
00:57:23.679 --> 00:57:25.199
learned how to, or whatever it might be, but they're
869
00:57:25.199 --> 00:57:29.360
aware of it. You see. That's why I talk about
870
00:57:29.679 --> 00:57:32.159
to parents about their lifestyle and how they can take
871
00:57:32.199 --> 00:57:34.360
care of themselves. I say, the biggest gift you can
872
00:57:34.400 --> 00:57:37.840
give to your children is to be okay yourself. Sometimes
873
00:57:37.880 --> 00:57:39.880
I have to do some individual work with the parents
874
00:57:40.280 --> 00:57:43.679
or couple's work because they can't communicate with one another,
875
00:57:44.519 --> 00:57:48.000
or they disagree on parenting styles because typically we parent
876
00:57:48.079 --> 00:57:50.480
the way we were parented, and if they were parented
877
00:57:50.519 --> 00:57:54.679
in two to very different ways, there's a conflict. So
878
00:57:54.840 --> 00:57:56.599
what I say to parents is I'm going to tweak
879
00:57:56.719 --> 00:57:59.320
your parenting skills. I'm not going to say one's right
880
00:57:59.440 --> 00:58:02.920
or one's wrong, because that's not fair. You know, we're
881
00:58:02.960 --> 00:58:05.679
going to learn a different way based on your children's
882
00:58:05.719 --> 00:58:10.239
emotional perceptions of what they need. Right, they can agree
883
00:58:10.280 --> 00:58:14.039
on that, you know they can, unless it's a custody situation.
884
00:58:14.159 --> 00:58:16.239
But we're not going to get into that kind of stuff. Okay,
885
00:58:16.360 --> 00:58:19.920
that that's just another can of worms. I did that work.
886
00:58:20.320 --> 00:58:22.840
I advocated for children at the courts and things like that.
887
00:58:23.599 --> 00:58:26.239
The hardest work I ever did to tell you truth.
888
00:58:26.360 --> 00:58:29.800
But anyway, that's off the topic. But we're not going
889
00:58:29.840 --> 00:58:30.559
to go that far.
890
00:58:30.679 --> 00:58:34.159
We're not going to go that deep yet. All right, Well,
891
00:58:34.960 --> 00:58:36.639
I gotta bring you back on for a part two.
892
00:58:36.719 --> 00:58:39.360
There's so much more we didn't be touched. But let's,
893
00:58:39.760 --> 00:58:43.000
you know, start to we're gonna start to wind things
894
00:58:43.079 --> 00:58:47.400
down so on on hot topics. I like to ask
895
00:58:47.599 --> 00:58:53.960
my guests to share words of wisdom, whether it's a quote,
896
00:58:54.159 --> 00:58:58.960
a saying, or whatever thought pops into your mind. So
897
00:58:59.159 --> 00:59:05.039
this any last words, So it's really like a last
898
00:59:05.079 --> 00:59:08.559
words type of thing. So, doctor Marcus, do you have
899
00:59:08.639 --> 00:59:11.079
any words of wisdom you'd like to share?
900
00:59:12.800 --> 00:59:14.800
Well, I've already said it once, but I'm gonna say
901
00:59:14.800 --> 00:59:19.880
it again because it's so emphatically important. Having access to
902
00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:24.079
your children's emotions is where you get the influence on
903
00:59:24.239 --> 00:59:29.280
them growing up. Okay, you're not there to teach them,
904
00:59:29.800 --> 00:59:34.599
you're there to help them to grow up emotionally, and
905
00:59:35.440 --> 00:59:37.000
you know there are things that you can do to
906
00:59:37.199 --> 00:59:42.760
develop your child's emotionality so they can tolerate things and
907
00:59:42.920 --> 00:59:45.719
learn from them and gain wisdom. That's one of your
908
00:59:45.800 --> 00:59:49.960
primary responsibilities as a parent, access is influence.
909
00:59:52.119 --> 00:59:55.199
All right, beautiful, all right, doctor Marcus, thank you for
910
00:59:55.320 --> 00:59:59.559
coming on hot topics. I appreciate you being here and
911
01:00:00.159 --> 01:00:04.880
tackling this topic with me. All right, So let's get
912
01:00:04.960 --> 01:00:11.679
to your promo. Your promo, all right? All right? So
913
01:00:12.360 --> 01:00:17.159
you all right, So you guys, doctor Marcus. His information
914
01:00:17.480 --> 01:00:21.960
is on the screen right now if you are one
915
01:00:22.000 --> 01:00:25.119
of my viewers. But if you are one of my listeners,
916
01:00:26.039 --> 01:00:29.760
all of his contact information is in the description. So
917
01:00:29.920 --> 01:00:33.320
one way or another, you have access to these things.
918
01:00:34.079 --> 01:00:35.079
But I will just tell you.
919
01:00:35.719 --> 01:00:35.760
So.
920
01:00:36.119 --> 01:00:42.280
His website is parentsrx dot org. He's on Facebook. It's
921
01:00:42.400 --> 01:00:47.239
his name, so it's David dot Marcus dot six five
922
01:00:47.519 --> 01:00:52.840
eight two five zero. So that's the account, uh name,
923
01:00:53.400 --> 01:00:57.360
part of the Facebook clink. He's also on LinkedIn under
924
01:00:57.440 --> 01:01:02.159
his name Dave Marcus. Well is named Dave, So Dave Marcus.
925
01:01:03.639 --> 01:01:08.960
You could call him, Yeah, you could call him. Oh,
926
01:01:09.039 --> 01:01:09.639
did you want to?
927
01:01:10.360 --> 01:01:11.440
Well, let me explain, you know.
928
01:01:11.960 --> 01:01:12.159
Yeah.
929
01:01:12.360 --> 01:01:18.199
LinkedIn and things like that are sometimes not conducive to
930
01:01:18.320 --> 01:01:21.960
what I'm trying to do, all right, If they really
931
01:01:22.039 --> 01:01:24.760
want to learn more about what I'm talking about. I've
932
01:01:24.800 --> 01:01:28.119
done a number of podcasts describing different parts of what
933
01:01:28.239 --> 01:01:30.800
we've been talking about today, and they're all you can
934
01:01:30.880 --> 01:01:34.000
access all of them from my website. You can just
935
01:01:34.079 --> 01:01:36.039
click on them and you can listen to them or
936
01:01:36.079 --> 01:01:39.480
watch them, and if you need, you know, something more specific,
937
01:01:40.519 --> 01:01:45.960
you can contact me at DS Marcus PhD at Parentrex
938
01:01:46.159 --> 01:01:50.239
dot RG. That would be the best way to gain
939
01:01:50.440 --> 01:01:55.440
access to what I'm talking about, rather than LinkedIn et cetera.
940
01:01:56.599 --> 01:01:59.079
Yeah, I mean I get I asked for you know,
941
01:01:59.119 --> 01:02:02.360
in case people want to follow you, I like to
942
01:02:02.440 --> 01:02:05.840
get everything, including LinkedIn. But let me Yeah, but let
943
01:02:05.880 --> 01:02:08.119
me just say your phone number. So your phone number
944
01:02:08.280 --> 01:02:13.880
is five one three four seven zero five five seven
945
01:02:14.079 --> 01:02:20.280
five if if anyone wants to call you directly, and
946
01:02:20.679 --> 01:02:24.360
your email, which you have shared but I'll just repeat it,
947
01:02:24.480 --> 01:02:29.079
it is D. S Marcus p h D at parent
948
01:02:29.480 --> 01:02:33.920
Rx dot org. So that is the best way to
949
01:02:34.039 --> 01:02:35.320
contact you is via.
950
01:02:37.039 --> 01:02:37.199
Yeah.
951
01:02:37.880 --> 01:02:41.280
Yeah, So all of that information, of course, is on
952
01:02:41.360 --> 01:02:46.639
the screen right now. So tell us tell us more
953
01:02:46.880 --> 01:02:52.039
about your practice, your business, what you do tell yourself.
954
01:02:55.519 --> 01:03:01.079
Well, your introduction which was very flattering a lot, but
955
01:03:01.199 --> 01:03:05.360
more personally, you know, I'm limiting my practice at this
956
01:03:05.480 --> 01:03:07.199
point because I'm getting older, you know what I mean.
957
01:03:07.280 --> 01:03:09.400
That's simply, you know, I want to do other things,
958
01:03:10.159 --> 01:03:13.000
and I've written the book and I'm trying to get
959
01:03:13.000 --> 01:03:15.719
that out there now, you know, I can explain to you.
960
01:03:15.920 --> 01:03:19.119
Then I'm doing these podcasts. It's to promote the book
961
01:03:19.239 --> 01:03:22.480
and you know, you know, to build a platform. And
962
01:03:22.599 --> 01:03:25.360
I've been getting a lot of consult calls, you know,
963
01:03:25.400 --> 01:03:29.039
from actually all over the country. My son is doing this,
964
01:03:29.280 --> 01:03:31.679
my I'm in this situation, my divorce is bad, you know,
965
01:03:31.719 --> 01:03:34.719
whatever it might be. And people consult with me about
966
01:03:34.760 --> 01:03:42.480
those things, you know. But personally, music is my therapy.
967
01:03:42.599 --> 01:03:48.159
I'm a musician. I play Celtic music and if you
968
01:03:48.320 --> 01:03:50.920
really want to get into it, at the very bottom
969
01:03:50.960 --> 01:03:54.480
of my website is a link to the CD I
970
01:03:54.559 --> 01:03:57.760
put out of Celtic music, So there you go. All right,
971
01:03:57.760 --> 01:04:00.159
if you're into Irish music, you can do that. And
972
01:04:00.239 --> 01:04:03.199
I'm a pick up all fanatic, Okay, I love playing pickle.
973
01:04:04.039 --> 01:04:06.599
But as far as me personally, I've got forty years
974
01:04:06.639 --> 01:04:10.119
of experience as a clinical psychologist dealing with families under stress,
975
01:04:11.400 --> 01:04:14.639
and all these ideas that I'm sharing with you, I've
976
01:04:14.679 --> 01:04:18.480
really learned through forty years of experience, and most of
977
01:04:18.519 --> 01:04:21.400
it was actually from the children that I've seen. They
978
01:04:21.480 --> 01:04:25.159
tell you the truth. Okay, it helped me to be
979
01:04:25.280 --> 01:04:28.159
a parent. And I'll tell you one funny thing and
980
01:04:28.239 --> 01:04:30.960
we can end up if you like. You know my son,
981
01:04:31.119 --> 01:04:34.360
you know, he's the son of a child psychologist here,
982
01:04:34.440 --> 01:04:38.400
you know, and he'd say what you asked before. But hey,
983
01:04:38.519 --> 01:04:41.360
how come Billy's father's letting him do that and Bobby's
984
01:04:41.400 --> 01:04:43.559
father's letting him do that, and you're not letting me
985
01:04:43.679 --> 01:04:46.440
do that. And I turned and say, well, your dad
986
01:04:46.480 --> 01:04:50.280
has a doctorate in child clinical psychology. I know better
987
01:04:50.320 --> 01:05:00.960
than them, and they're wrong. You are I supposed to say, Dad,
988
01:05:01.079 --> 01:05:05.000
stop playing psychologists? And I say I'm not playing. That's
989
01:05:05.079 --> 01:05:10.559
what I am. He could win. He couldn't win that
990
01:05:10.679 --> 01:05:16.119
one anyway. So I'll let you go. If you want
991
01:05:16.159 --> 01:05:18.840
me to come back, write me on pod match or
992
01:05:18.840 --> 01:05:20.559
whatever it is. You know, you let me know and
993
01:05:20.639 --> 01:05:21.840
we can schedule something else.
994
01:05:22.039 --> 01:05:26.320
Yeah, yeah, let's do Yeah, definitely, definitely. But yeah, but
995
01:05:26.440 --> 01:05:27.320
the book is not out.
996
01:05:27.400 --> 01:05:29.320
I just want to make that clear yet, it's in
997
01:05:29.519 --> 01:05:30.159
the process.
998
01:05:30.559 --> 01:05:34.920
In the process, okay, you know, people.
999
01:05:35.320 --> 01:05:37.599
Asking me to come back when the book is actually out.
1000
01:05:39.719 --> 01:05:42.239
So if you want to in the works, in the works,
1001
01:05:42.320 --> 01:05:44.719
in the works, you know, if you want me to
1002
01:05:44.800 --> 01:05:46.679
come back and explain so many of these other things
1003
01:05:46.719 --> 01:05:50.920
that we've just touched upon. Just you can schedule enough
1004
01:05:50.920 --> 01:05:51.639
the time. It's up to you.
1005
01:05:52.079 --> 01:05:55.079
Yeah, yeah, let's do that, all right. Let me just
1006
01:05:55.159 --> 01:05:59.679
do this one thing so that website. Sorry, okay, let
1007
01:05:59.679 --> 01:06:02.199
me just with this QR code up here on the screen.
1008
01:06:02.280 --> 01:06:04.079
So there's a QR code on the screen right now
1009
01:06:04.559 --> 01:06:08.679
if you are viewing this episode, so that QR cod
1010
01:06:08.719 --> 01:06:11.519
will take you straight to his website. So just scan
1011
01:06:11.679 --> 01:06:14.400
the QR code, it will take you directly to his
1012
01:06:14.559 --> 01:06:18.360
website parentrx dot org. So that QR code is on
1013
01:06:18.400 --> 01:06:21.239
the screen right now for those who are watching this
1014
01:06:21.599 --> 01:06:28.480
on video. But yeah, so there's that QR code for you.
1015
01:06:29.320 --> 01:06:32.239
All right, doctor Marcus, thank you again for coming on
1016
01:06:32.400 --> 01:06:36.119
Hot Topics, and thank you, thank you. Yeah, we will
1017
01:06:36.639 --> 01:06:37.639
I will be in touch.
1018
01:06:38.519 --> 01:06:44.360
Okay, take care, Gabrielle. You ever go to Nathan's for
1019
01:06:44.519 --> 01:06:45.639
our dogs and stuff like that?
1020
01:06:46.760 --> 01:06:51.920
Oh, what a Long Island? I used to go to
1021
01:06:52.000 --> 01:06:55.400
that in Coney Island, Cony Island. Yeah, I haven't been
1022
01:06:55.400 --> 01:06:56.559
to the one on Long Island yet.
1023
01:06:57.400 --> 01:06:58.760
I don't know if it's still there. I left Long
1024
01:06:58.840 --> 01:07:02.239
Island a long time ago. But okay, j Speech. We
1025
01:07:02.320 --> 01:07:03.360
used to go to Jones speech.
1026
01:07:03.519 --> 01:07:12.400
Okay, all right, all right, thank you doctor Marcus. All right,
1027
01:07:12.519 --> 01:07:17.880
you guys, yes, so there you have it, So thank
1028
01:07:17.960 --> 01:07:23.320
you for So that concludes, I will say that another
1029
01:07:23.440 --> 01:07:28.800
episode of Hot Topics. So now it is my promo time,
1030
01:07:28.920 --> 01:07:34.119
so let me get my banner up here. All right,
1031
01:07:34.199 --> 01:07:37.800
you guys, so Hot Topics. Let me tell you so,
1032
01:07:37.960 --> 01:07:42.440
Hot Topics is a production of my tutoring company, Step Ahead,
1033
01:07:42.880 --> 01:07:47.280
a Step Ahead Tutoring Services, So that is the company
1034
01:07:47.360 --> 01:07:51.239
that is putting all of this on for you. So
1035
01:07:52.000 --> 01:07:54.079
you know, as we're talking about your kids not listening,
1036
01:07:55.920 --> 01:08:02.000
you know, it's and you know the we do, I mean,
1037
01:08:02.039 --> 01:08:05.280
we're more on the academic part, but it's also you know,
1038
01:08:05.400 --> 01:08:10.719
connected to mental health. It's connected to self confidence. So
1039
01:08:10.840 --> 01:08:18.560
it might be you know, you know, might your kid
1040
01:08:18.600 --> 01:08:22.039
may not be listening to you because they're under so
1041
01:08:22.239 --> 01:08:26.199
much pressure at school right or it could be you know,
1042
01:08:28.800 --> 01:08:32.560
they may not be listening to the teachers. It could
1043
01:08:32.680 --> 01:08:35.359
be a you know, and it is something that we
1044
01:08:35.479 --> 01:08:39.199
alluded to in the episode, is it might be a
1045
01:08:39.279 --> 01:08:43.520
response to their environment. Right, So it could be you know,
1046
01:08:43.680 --> 01:08:46.640
why is my child not listening to the teachers? Why
1047
01:08:46.760 --> 01:08:49.760
is my child not paying attention? Why is my child
1048
01:08:50.760 --> 01:08:53.119
fighting me every time I tell them to do their homework?
1049
01:08:54.199 --> 01:08:59.399
And it could be maybe they just don't understand it right,
1050
01:09:00.119 --> 01:09:05.800
and they don't understand it and they learn differently and
1051
01:09:05.880 --> 01:09:09.600
the way that they're being taught is not registering in
1052
01:09:09.720 --> 01:09:15.199
their mind. And so when it comes to your child
1053
01:09:15.279 --> 01:09:19.960
not listening to you, you always want to look underneath it, right,
1054
01:09:21.840 --> 01:09:24.119
because a lot of parents are reactionary and they're looking
1055
01:09:24.159 --> 01:09:26.920
at the surface, but they're not necessarily looking underneath it.
1056
01:09:27.039 --> 01:09:30.800
And so just kind of thinking about it in terms
1057
01:09:30.840 --> 01:09:34.720
of school, you know, what's with all the behavioral issues
1058
01:09:34.800 --> 01:09:37.920
and why do they keep skipping and skipping school, and
1059
01:09:38.000 --> 01:09:40.000
why they're not doing their homework and why are the
1060
01:09:40.039 --> 01:09:43.159
teachers always complaining? And what could be? I mean, it's
1061
01:09:43.199 --> 01:09:45.359
a ton of reasons, but one of those reasons maybe
1062
01:09:46.319 --> 01:09:49.640
maybe they don't understand what they're learning, or maybe they
1063
01:09:49.680 --> 01:09:55.159
don't understand they don't understand the teacher, or they don't
1064
01:09:55.359 --> 01:09:59.800
like a classroom environment and they work better one to one, right,
1065
01:10:00.439 --> 01:10:02.880
So a lot of it is a reaction to their environment.
1066
01:10:04.159 --> 01:10:07.439
So when it comes to tutoring, when it comes to
1067
01:10:07.600 --> 01:10:11.479
academics in school, and you find yourself in that situation
1068
01:10:12.560 --> 01:10:19.960
where your child may need an outside, an outsider to
1069
01:10:20.079 --> 01:10:24.520
step in because whatever they have going on is not working,
1070
01:10:25.199 --> 01:10:29.680
you know, that's where that's where we come in. That's
1071
01:10:29.720 --> 01:10:34.359
where our tutors come in and we are we can
1072
01:10:34.439 --> 01:10:39.399
be that outside influence for your child. So you know,
1073
01:10:40.119 --> 01:10:43.600
if you find yourself in that situation where you're like,
1074
01:10:44.720 --> 01:10:48.039
my child doesn't listen to me when I try to
1075
01:10:48.159 --> 01:10:51.399
explain things to them because I did this in school
1076
01:10:52.119 --> 01:10:54.720
and I did well. So I'm trying to teach my child,
1077
01:10:54.760 --> 01:10:58.000
but the child ain't listening to me. It could be
1078
01:10:58.760 --> 01:11:05.800
they need somebody else to explain it, all right, So
1079
01:11:07.520 --> 01:11:09.439
that's where we come in. That's why tutors come in.
1080
01:11:09.640 --> 01:11:13.720
So you know, if you find yourself at war with
1081
01:11:13.880 --> 01:11:19.119
your child, right, maybe it's time for you step back,
1082
01:11:20.319 --> 01:11:23.840
get a neutral party to step in, and we can
1083
01:11:23.920 --> 01:11:26.840
be that neutral party. So our tutors can be that
1084
01:11:26.920 --> 01:11:34.119
neutral party for you. So our tutors come out in person,
1085
01:11:34.239 --> 01:11:37.479
so we do one on one tutoring, and we do
1086
01:11:37.640 --> 01:11:40.479
that in person as well as online so we do
1087
01:11:40.640 --> 01:11:44.800
that in person, but we are we do limit our
1088
01:11:44.880 --> 01:11:48.159
service areas for in person, so we do in person
1089
01:11:49.039 --> 01:11:52.920
for Brooklyn and Queens if you happen to be in
1090
01:11:52.960 --> 01:11:56.560
the New York City area. We also do in person
1091
01:11:56.680 --> 01:12:00.960
for all of NASA County and the west region of
1092
01:12:01.720 --> 01:12:06.800
Suffolk County for those in person, so we come out
1093
01:12:06.840 --> 01:12:10.239
to you in person in certain parts of New York City,
1094
01:12:10.359 --> 01:12:14.279
certain parts of Long Island, but New York City and
1095
01:12:14.439 --> 01:12:17.760
Long Island is the general scope, but we do certain parts,
1096
01:12:18.880 --> 01:12:23.159
so Brooklyn and Queens for New York City, NASA County
1097
01:12:23.319 --> 01:12:30.760
for Long Island, and the bordering towns of Suffolk County,
1098
01:12:30.840 --> 01:12:34.920
so all those towns in Suffolk County that border NASA County,
1099
01:12:35.359 --> 01:12:38.119
that's us. We also service that area. So if you
1100
01:12:38.199 --> 01:12:40.520
happen to be in any of those areas, then you
1101
01:12:40.600 --> 01:12:42.399
want a tutor to come out to you in person,
1102
01:12:42.920 --> 01:12:46.319
hit us up. Let me tell you our website. It
1103
01:12:46.479 --> 01:12:50.479
is www dot a step ahead Tutoring Services dot com.
1104
01:12:51.720 --> 01:12:54.680
So go to our website. You'll see where it says
1105
01:12:54.760 --> 01:12:58.880
requested tutor. You'll see all the areas that we serve
1106
01:12:59.039 --> 01:13:01.600
in person, so you'll see everything that you need to know.
1107
01:13:02.319 --> 01:13:05.600
We also have specific grade levels that we work with
1108
01:13:06.840 --> 01:13:10.439
and specific so well, we generally do the core subjects,
1109
01:13:10.439 --> 01:13:13.399
but we do have specific grade levels, so you can
1110
01:13:13.479 --> 01:13:16.000
go to our website to learn more about that. So
1111
01:13:16.119 --> 01:13:19.399
let me just say that website again. It is www
1112
01:13:19.600 --> 01:13:23.359
dot a Step Ahead Tutoring Services dot com. So go
1113
01:13:23.479 --> 01:13:27.960
to our website, request the tutor, book a tutor. You know,
1114
01:13:28.880 --> 01:13:30.880
you know you need that neutral party, you need someone
1115
01:13:30.920 --> 01:13:34.079
else to step in. Let let our tutors do that
1116
01:13:34.279 --> 01:13:37.239
for you. I also encourage you to follow us across
1117
01:13:37.439 --> 01:13:41.720
social media. So we're on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and YouTube,
1118
01:13:41.800 --> 01:13:44.920
all with the account name A Step Ahead Tutoring Services
1119
01:13:45.039 --> 01:13:48.720
all on word. We're also on x and TikTok. Our
1120
01:13:48.800 --> 01:13:51.520
account name is A S A T S two zero
1121
01:13:51.760 --> 01:13:56.079
one three. We're also on event, bright and WhatsApp as well,
1122
01:13:56.239 --> 01:13:58.279
so it is our name, but the words are spaced
1123
01:13:58.319 --> 01:14:03.880
out so it's a step ahead tutoring services. So make
1124
01:14:03.920 --> 01:14:06.279
sure you follow us across our social media, stay in
1125
01:14:06.399 --> 01:14:12.680
touch with us. Make sure you follow our announcements as well.
1126
01:14:13.600 --> 01:14:17.399
But the we also have a text list and an
1127
01:14:17.399 --> 01:14:19.600
email list as well, but I encourage you to go
1128
01:14:19.640 --> 01:14:22.239
to the website to sign up for those but if
1129
01:14:22.239 --> 01:14:25.000
you've missed any of this stuff, everything is on our website.
1130
01:14:25.079 --> 01:14:30.399
It is www dot a step Ahead Tutoring Services dot com.
1131
01:14:30.760 --> 01:14:33.279
And you can also follow me personally. My name is
1132
01:14:33.319 --> 01:14:36.880
Gabrielle Critchlow. You can follow me personally on Facebook and
1133
01:14:37.000 --> 01:14:40.880
Instagram it is gabriel dot Critchlow. And you can follow
1134
01:14:40.960 --> 01:14:44.800
me personally on LinkedIn it is gabriel hyphen Critchlow. So
1135
01:14:45.119 --> 01:14:47.479
make sure you check that out. All of that is
1136
01:14:47.560 --> 01:14:49.880
at the bottom of the screen right now. If you
1137
01:14:49.960 --> 01:14:52.960
happen to be a viewer, but if you are a
1138
01:14:53.119 --> 01:14:56.199
listener and you're listening to this on a podcast like
1139
01:14:56.319 --> 01:15:00.319
Spotify or Apple Podcasts or good Pods, all of links
1140
01:15:00.359 --> 01:15:01.880
or in the description of you guys, so make sure
1141
01:15:01.880 --> 01:15:06.359
you check it out. And before I go, I just
1142
01:15:06.399 --> 01:15:09.159
want to encourage you guys, however you are taking in
1143
01:15:09.279 --> 01:15:12.039
the sound of my voice, whether you're watching on video
1144
01:15:12.279 --> 01:15:15.359
or listening on a podcast, encourage you guys. Give me
1145
01:15:15.520 --> 01:15:18.239
like five minutes every time let me know your feedback
1146
01:15:18.359 --> 01:15:22.359
about today's episode. Did you like it, did you hate it?
1147
01:15:22.479 --> 01:15:25.399
Did you love it? Did you have any questions? Maybe
1148
01:15:25.720 --> 01:15:29.479
you have questions that you wanted to ask, Maybe there
1149
01:15:29.560 --> 01:15:31.439
was something that I didn't address and you wanted to
1150
01:15:31.520 --> 01:15:34.319
hear more about it, leave your feedback in the comment section,
1151
01:15:34.439 --> 01:15:37.439
you guys, leave it in the common thread in the
1152
01:15:37.520 --> 01:15:40.560
comment section. Even if you're listening on a podcast so
1153
01:15:41.359 --> 01:15:44.960
like Spotify or good Pods or Apple podcasts, there's that
1154
01:15:45.119 --> 01:15:48.600
comment section as well. So five minutes every time you
1155
01:15:48.720 --> 01:15:54.039
guys leave them comments, drop them comments, you guys. All right,
1156
01:15:54.199 --> 01:15:57.760
Well that is it. Thank you for joining me on
1157
01:15:57.960 --> 01:16:01.880
another episode of Topics. I look forward to you joining
1158
01:16:01.920 --> 01:16:05.079
me at the next one. Thank you, guys, and don't
1159
01:16:05.079 --> 01:16:10.560
forget you guys. I'm trying to think of a moral.
1160
01:16:11.520 --> 01:16:18.039
What can we end with? I can't think of a moral.
1161
01:16:20.239 --> 01:16:23.199
I'm trying to think of how to conclude this episode
1162
01:16:23.199 --> 01:16:29.920
with a fancy moral. I can't think of it, guys.
1163
01:16:30.239 --> 01:16:32.159
I can't think of a fancy moral right now. I'm
1164
01:16:32.199 --> 01:16:34.760
so sorry. I gotta think of a fancy moral. But
1165
01:16:34.880 --> 01:16:37.279
thank you for joining me, and I look forward to
1166
01:16:37.359 --> 01:16:41.960
you seeing me next time. Thank you guys. Bye,