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I wrote a song while Caleb was in his open heart surgery.
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He was two weeks old, and we were waiting to get the first call to tell us how it was going.
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And I wanted to pause and just write something, produce something to attest to in this moment, before we know what happens, before we know anything, what do I know about God that I can sing about?
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Welcome back to Singing Through Fire.
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I'm your host, Lara Silverman, and today we're continuing our Faith in the Furnace series, where we interview Christian warriors with powerful testimonies of God's sustaining grace in modern-day lions' dens.
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I'm so excited today to introduce you to Brittany Bourne.
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Brittany is a singer-songwriter who desires to help the hurting worship the Savior.
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She is passionate about using poetry and song to connect honest, relatable emotion with biblical truth.
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She is happily married and has three precious kids, one being medically complex.
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Without further ado, let's sing through the fire.
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This is Singing Through Fire, where we worship when it hurts, discuss hot takes from the furnace of affliction, and explore a biblical theology of suffering with a side of sass and sarcasm.
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From lamentations to laughter, this podcast is for anyone desperate for hope who's ever asked,"Why, Lord, why?" I've lost my health, career, and husband, so we're in this fight for faith together.
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Welcome to the show, Brittany.
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It's so nice to have you on today.
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Thank you so much.
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It's so good to be here.
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Yeah.
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I am so excited to meet you because I just love how the Lord is using music in your life to redeem your story, and because obviously music is a gift from Him, and you're exceedingly talented.
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And so I wanna...
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And, and this is what this whole point of the podcast is about, you know?
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I mean, singing through- Mm-hmm the fires.
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I love that this is not only literal in your case, but also metaphorical.
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So- let me start here.
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Can you just give us in a nutshell, um, what your Faith in the Furnace story is so the audience has an overview, and then we'll launch into questions.
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Yeah.
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So I, as you said, I'm married to Todd.
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We have three kids.
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We, our third born was a surprise pregnancy.
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And, um, we found out at his 20-week anatomy scan that he had multiple life-threatening and life-altering anom- anomalies.
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They initially tested I think my blood or his blood for, um, like, trisomy 18, 21, all those kinds of things, um, which all came back negative.
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And he praise the Lord, survived pregnancy'cause his heart was twice, uh, the size it should be, and we didn't know he would survive.
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We are here in Boston, and Boston Children's Hospital just did an incredible job.
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He survived birth, which was another miracle.
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Um, and they transferred him over to the hospital, to the cardiac ICU, where he was, spent the first two months of his life.
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At the time, we had a three-year-old and a one-and-a-half-year-old and we were in a new city.
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We had just recently moved, and so it was a whole lot trying to navigate- And a lot of it was a lot of the, the fire came from just the in- the intent...
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Well, initially the, um, emotional weight of not being able to hold the baby that I birthed and carried for nine months, and seeing him just hooked up to so many wires and tubes that were literally keeping him alive.
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And then from there trying to navigate because we had two little ones, I needed to spend a lot of time with them, and entrust Caleb, my youngest to the Lord.
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Navigating for Todd and I being a team on little sleep.
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Navigating just how to love one another and support one another when we weren't seeing a lot of each other, um, when we were both pushed to the extreme and past that.
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Caleb came home after three months- Yeah and he was on oxygen, feeding tube had to be- Wow his heart had to be monitored.
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We g- he got sick.
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We all got sick a ton those first six months.
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And so it- that was, like, the most insane time.
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We were in and out of the hospital constantly just trying to navigate all of that.
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So, so kind of from anticipation of having a child who we didn't know if he would live or, or die, and then- Wow being carried through the intensity of caring, learning how to care for a medically complex child.
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And but through it all- Yeah I mean, we have experienced the grace of God in the most profound ways.
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Joy, joyful faith in the Lord, even in the crazy fearful moments, even in kind of like this is so ridiculously hard that we just have to laugh about it.
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And-
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Right
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through it all I just seen God's faithfulness.
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Wow.
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Okay.
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So and just tell us, where is your son now medically?
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Like, has he healed at all, or what's the situation?
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Yeah, he's actually...
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God has been incredibly gracious.
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Um, he's blowing all of his doctors and therapists away.
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He is...
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I mean, I could go...
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It would take a while to go down the whole list of things that he has.
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Yeah.
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But he's- Yeah he's just progressing immensely, going from being continuously fed to now having G-feeds in his stomach which is a big deal, and he can orally eat some.
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Um, his heart is doing great.
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He's been able to weather some sicknesses without going to the hospital, which is a big deal for us.
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Um, and he's- Wow trying to learn.
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His, his spirit is one that is very determined and kind of rises to the challenge of whatever he's facing, and so he is a very ambitious little boy.
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He climbs everywhere.
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He hasn't learned to walk yet'cause he has low muscle tone, but he is trying his hardest, and is cruising wherever he can- Wow and gets into everything.
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So he's almost...
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He'll be two October 3rd.
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And, um, we are just blown away- Oh, wow every day at how well he's doing.
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So what is the diagnosis?
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You said trisomy 18?
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Yeah.
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No.
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He doesn't have that.
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He does not have a diagnosis.
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Oh.
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They...
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It's some kind of genetic syndrome- Oh that they- they've, like, done the furthest- Wow extent of genetic testing, and they don't know what it is.
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Which- Wow like, that's fine.
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The Lord knows.
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He wrote his DNA, and-
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Yeah
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He has a special mission for Caleb.
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And so we're happy to just give, surrender him to the Lord and, and watch.
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I mean, we've been able to do that and just have watched him bloom under God's hand.
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Wow.
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Okay.
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I mean, first of all, thank you so much for sharing.
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And I wanna start by asking you, at the beginning of this journey when, you know, the doctor said there are some abnormalities or whatever they saw while you were pregnant, like, what did those first, you know, few days look like for you emotionally and spiritually?
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I mean, what went through your mind when you realized,"Oh, my gosh, my child might have significant disabilities," or whatever you wanna call it?
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Yep.
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This is a story I really love telling because it shows so much, teaches us so much about God's sovereignty and hi- and in His care for us.
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So my youngest si- I'm one of six kids and my youngest dau- m- uh, I mean, my younger sister she got married- to a guy whose older brother is severely autistic.
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And I- Hmm a number of years ago, a number of years ago, before I was married, before anything, I was sitting across from his mom and just asked her,'cause they're believers, and I asked her, like,"What was that like to, like, when you realized that he's not ever leaving the house?" Like, uh, everything now.
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It was their firstborn too, so it's like everything has changed for you.
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And- Yeah sh- I will never forget, she looked across at me, like completely honestly, and said,"I just thought, well, I guess this is the adventure the Lord has for us." And the, the joyful surrender and, like, hope-filled faith that just kind of, like, frees you from all of the"I thought it would be this way," all the expectations that we have for our own lives.
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I That, that really settled deep into my heart to the point that when t- when the doctor came in and told us the news about it, that those were the first words out of my mouth.
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Um, because God's- Aw brought her to mind.
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And, and I truly believed it.
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Like-
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Wow
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this is what God has for us.
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And not only that, I think we were in Kentucky at the time, and just His, His kind sovereignty and, like, we had already s- decided to move to Boston, which has Boston Children's Hospital is one of the two number one children's hospitals in the world.
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I don't think that Caleb would have survived if we had been somewhere else because of his complexity and because of- Mm the excellence of care that we got there.
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So that was another So that was my second comment was like,"Well, it's no mistake that we're moving- Yeah to Boston." So and that was just even more affirming, like God is in this- Oh, my gosh and He is orchestrating everything-
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Wow
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leading us to this moment.
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Um, and truly for, I mean, up until he was born, probably for the, the f- maybe first month after he was born, we didn't know if he was going to live.
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Especially before- Yeah they, they were kind of We were preparing for We researched what to do if he died.
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Like, we had had the conversations- Wow to be prepared for that moment if we were to- Yeah go across that.
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And I had, another kindness from the Lord I had walked through something similar with some dear friends of mine who had a baby with trisomy 18, and which is I think it's like you, you're missing a chromosome, and basically it's- Mm it's certain that they will not live very long.
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Everything just starts shutting down as soon as they're born.
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So they knew that they were gonna give birth to a son that was going to die.
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And- Oh they walked through that with such steady faith in the Lord.
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And, like, to be able to experience that side by side with them, grieve with them, laugh with them, rejoice with them in his life.
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He lived six days.
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Yeah.
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So having had that experience, I wasn't afraid because I had seen God work in such wonderful ways in the midst of the most intense grief, that I knew that he- Yeah would be faithful to carry me through that.
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Um, I was still very scared.
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Like that...
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So being a deeply feeling person, that was the part I just didn't know.
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Yeah.
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Like, we'd be in a new city.
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If we lose him, will I get lost?
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Like, will I lose myself in the grief?
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Yeah.
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And oh, it's so incredible because, like, God has done the opposite of that.
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He has kind of used this to free me from a lot of my just being led by my emotions.
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Because when you're caring for a medically complex child, you don't really have a lot of time to,"Well, I don't feel like doing that." Nope, you're gonna do it or he's not gonna survive.
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Um, so yeah, that's...
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I think those are my initial feelings.
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Wow.
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I mean, it's so beautiful to hear how God prepared you, like, in advance in so many different ways.
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Yeah.
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Like, He's done that for me as well.
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It just shows you His love and His sovereignty.
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I love how you, you said it.
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And I can totally relate to, like, how your son doesn't even have a diagnosis,'cause I don't really either.
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I mean, they threw a million at me- Mm but it's like there came a point where none of the treatments were working, so it was clear, like, all right, we've got the wrong thing.
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So I just, my heart goes out to you, and I just marvel at your faith of like, you know what, the Lord knows what it is, you know?
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And I just love that.
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And-
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Yeah
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and so how did you get to a point of, like, finally surrendering the outcome before his birth?
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Or maybe m- in other words, were you praying Obviously, you were praying desperately for healing, you know, bef- during the pregnancy, but did you feel like He encouraged you one way or the other?
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Or did He just say,"Surrender the outcome to me"?
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'Cause sometimes He tells us,"Hey, healing is coming." Other times He leaves us in the dark.
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I think that I felt so deeply that this was something bigger than me and my desires.
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I mean, no one desires to have a child with medical issues.
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It was so unexpected.
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The pregnancy was unexpected.
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All of his issues were unexpected, that I knew that it could only have been brought about by the Lord.
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So in that, like- Yeah I do pray for his healing now.
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We, I pray often when I put him to sleep pray for God to...
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I just pray over every part of his body.
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But and, I mean, there's things where it's, like, his right arm and leg are shorter than his left.
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That's not really something that's gonna change.
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But but other things, like his brain and his heart and his lungs but I don't remember praying that often for that.
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I think the overriding prayer during that time was,"Lord, would you glorify yourself through this?" Like, I do not want to waste this- Wow trial.
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Um, because I had wasted trials in the past.
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I, I don't have a g- a gr- a perfect track record here.
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And I regretted it.
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Like, I think that God works through trials so, powerfully.
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I think C.S.
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Lewis talks about God uses pain as a megaphone, so He speaks so clearly and- Oh, yeah and teaches us things in a way that sh- shapes us, um, irrevocably.
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So that- Wow was kind of a big deal.
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I will, I'll share one moment that I had two weeks after we had found out about his anomalies, and we were waiting for the blood work to find out if he was gonna have any of the trisomies.
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We went to the beach with my family, and I was standing on the shore and just kind of trying to, like, process, trying to wrap my head around it and my heart.
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And I looked down at the sand and was struck that, like, this is, like, billions upon countless grains of sand under my feet that are all, that have all been fashioned out of broken shells e- every single one of them.
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And God is the one that did that.
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Like, He, He sh- shaped every single one of them, and that same God is my God, and He's the one that is shaping my son's heart and had written his DNA- Mm and was shaping every part of his body.
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So as he was being formed in me, not knowing, like, what would come of it I knew that God was doing exactly what He wanted to do, and I knew that He is, does all things well.
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So, that brought- Mm so much peace.
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Um, so the, the, the days leading up to Caleb's birth were the most- Ugh.
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I wanna say wonderful.
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Like, they really were the most w- it was the most wonderful experience to take to every day.
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I mean, just, like, the anticipation of birth is such a powerful experience.
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But to be anticipating, like, I have no idea what's on the other side of this, but Lord, you do.
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Yeah.
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And all I can do is just fall back upon you, and what a wonderful place to be in, you know?
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Yeah.
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Oh my gosh, I just love the sand analogy.
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I mean, it's not even an analogy, it's true.
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Like, I had never even thought of it of...
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I had never heard that before.
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And it's just, I love how God has ministered to you at those most timely moments.
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Like, I just, I, I've seen that in my life as well, and your testimony is so powerful.
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You know, sort of transitioning into, you know, after birth, and, you know, as a mother, you know, when you realized you're,"Oh my gosh, I'm gonna have to care for a baby with so many challenges," how has Jesus's command to take up your cross taken on, you know, new meaning just- Mm through these unseen sacrifices of motherhood?
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I mean, you're not just a new mom.
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At that point, you're, like, taking care of this medically complex child, and there's no training really for that.
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So can you talk to us about, you know- the meaning of taking up your cross in that context, how that has changed for you?
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I, um, when you sent these questions out and I read that one, I was struck- because that was the first time that I had ever heard that, that verse connected to our c- to, like, Caleb and all of his issues.
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Oh.
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Which revealed something to me that, like, I, we really haven't felt like it has been this great burden to bear.
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I think there have been moments- Wow that have been very hard.
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Especially initially.
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Like, I, I Forever I will hold the pain of pumping in the middle of the night for a baby that I didn't even know if- Mm would be well enough to take my milk.
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Those were those were some intense moments.
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But even there, like, God provided the grace and the strength that I needed.
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And now we have...
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I mean, we have, we got three little ones.
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Caleb, these days Caleb is bringing so much joy.
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I think the first few months when he was home, we were sick all the time.
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He would, um- Yeah he had a feeding tube going into his nose, and any time it got pulled out we had to go to the ER to get it fixed which then exposed him to other sicknesses, and it was just this very, um- Yeah or, like, when he, he went in for a surgery and then ended up staying, like, a month longer than we were expecting right at a time where he was really starting to grow and, like, develop in these really cool ways.
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I, and I wasn't able to be there for a lot of it'cause I was, Todd was working- Yeah and I was watching our kids.
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That was probably- Yeah one of the hardest times, was to just continually give him, entrust him to the Lord.
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I knew he was in good hands at the hospital, but just to be missing those moments in his life.
00:19:17.604 --> 00:19:28.304
But I mean, even then- Yeah like, in a way that's made him now just so precious to us, all four of us, our two kids and Todd and I.
00:19:28.314 --> 00:19:48.634
We just adore him, and every new thing that he does, it's like, even if it's, like, a terrible thing, like he's taking everything out of the cabinets, it's like,"I can't believe you're doing this." So, um, so I think there def- like, it's definitely hard but I don't know.
00:19:48.693 --> 00:19:49.564
It's been...
00:19:50.973 --> 00:19:58.223
I think God's giving us grace to f- to focus on the joy in it and the gift of it as well.
00:19:59.290 --> 00:19:59.830
Right.
00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:09.800
Yeah, and so, I mean, that is really a miracle that i- it's 2 Corinthians 12:9,"My grace is sufficient for you." He's equipping you- Yeah to take care of whatever his needs are on the day to day.
00:20:09.800 --> 00:20:21.191
I mean, I'm guessing, like, compared to your other children, are you juggling a lot more w- you know, work, you know, vis-a-vis Caleb in terms of helping him and feeding and stuff like that?
00:20:21.191 --> 00:20:23.000
Or is it relatively normal now?
00:20:24.540 --> 00:20:32.080
He just recently has made some significant steps of improvement that has made it feel normal.
00:20:32.260 --> 00:20:36.691
He's also probably at the age of, like, an 18-month-old, or developmentally.
00:20:37.131 --> 00:20:39.931
So he's just- Yeah getting into everything.
00:20:39.931 --> 00:20:51.340
We'll find him in the most precarious positions because he's, like, figuring out how to climb from his hi- climbed up my son's high chair onto his high chair and was trying to get onto the table.
00:20:51.340 --> 00:20:59.371
Like, those kind of moments are like,"Ah." So, and then, like- Oh, my gosh training.
00:20:59.441 --> 00:21:07.540
So yeah, I mean, the other kids feel easier, like, as far as care, especially my, our oldest is five now, and he's very competent with things.
00:21:07.911 --> 00:21:13.421
But, uh, definitely initially it was a, a lot, a lot more to take on.
00:21:13.421 --> 00:21:19.651
I think I just haven't, I don't think about that very often because it's just a pa- so much of a part of our life now.
00:21:19.961 --> 00:21:20.391
Yeah.
00:21:20.391 --> 00:21:20.451
Yeah.
00:21:20.451 --> 00:21:21.601
Maybe it's comparison.
00:21:21.671 --> 00:21:22.411
I don't think I'm-
00:21:23.141 --> 00:21:25.711
thinking like,"Oh, I wish it, I wish I was like
00:21:25.711 --> 00:21:28.740
other moms." Like, yeah
00:21:28.790 --> 00:21:29.121
Right
00:21:30.701 --> 00:21:32.840
So that kind of frees you up a lot to not be thinking
00:21:32.840 --> 00:21:33.421
about
00:21:33.421 --> 00:21:33.431
that
00:21:34.652 --> 00:21:36.112
Oh yeah, absolutely.
00:21:36.172 --> 00:21:39.991
And, you know, and, and just to clarify, like I, I hope you weren't insulted.
00:21:39.991 --> 00:21:43.201
I didn't mean to say that- No your son is like a cross you're bearing.
00:21:43.211 --> 00:21:47.231
In other words, I- I think what- That's not what I meant what the question is getting at is like...
00:21:48.192 --> 00:21:55.061
Yeah, I think the question I'm getting at is like when, when, when life turns out unexpected and does involve a measure of suffering.
00:21:55.082 --> 00:21:55.662
You know, I just...
00:21:55.672 --> 00:22:02.541
It show- It's really a testament to your faith that you don't even see the suffering as suffering because you see the Lord's hand in it.
00:22:02.551 --> 00:22:04.442
I mean, we don't wanna mitigate, you know...
00:22:05.342 --> 00:22:06.582
You understand what I'm saying.
00:22:06.592 --> 00:22:15.632
Like, the, i- i- in other words, you're able to elevate the joy above the labels of the cross or the suffering or whatever, and I just think that's a testament to your faith.
00:22:15.632 --> 00:22:19.461
So thank you for being such a wonderful example to the rest of us.
00:22:19.511 --> 00:22:29.561
And I wanna ask, like were there any seasons through any of this where you felt like the Lord was silent, perhaps testing you with just sort of leaving things?
00:22:29.852 --> 00:22:32.511
I mean, He's always near, so I'm not trying to be blasphemous.
00:22:32.521 --> 00:22:37.721
I always ask people, like you've given me some examples of when He's been very near.
00:22:37.741 --> 00:22:41.241
Were there ever any times when you were like,"Lord, where are you?" You know?
00:22:42.261 --> 00:22:42.751
Yeah.
00:22:43.711 --> 00:22:58.718
Um- I think probably the, what I was describing about pumping in the middle of the night, I think those, those moments were probably the most difficult for me because I was alone,
00:22:58.928 --> 00:22:59.327
Yeah
00:22:59.688 --> 00:23:01.917
because- Yeah I was exhausted.
00:23:03.768 --> 00:23:09.407
And it's a u- And I was feeling all, all the emotions because my hormones were going crazy postpartum.
00:23:09.698 --> 00:23:10.038
Oh.
00:23:10.738 --> 00:23:20.258
And in in God's kindness, so, so I think, like, my capacity was very small compared to before he was born.
00:23:20.258 --> 00:23:38.698
I had a lot more mental space to journal and pr- prepare and pray and read scripture and in the middle of the night, I was just barely staying awake, and, um, I would regularly come across Joni and Friends.
00:23:38.738 --> 00:23:39.688
Are you familiar with that?
00:23:40.018 --> 00:23:41.147
Joni Eareckson Tada.
00:23:41.147 --> 00:23:41.157
Oh.
00:23:41.167 --> 00:23:41.508
Joni.
00:23:41.518 --> 00:23:41.857
Yeah,
00:23:41.857 --> 00:23:42.028
yeah.
00:23:42.167 --> 00:23:42.317
It's Joni.
00:23:43.428 --> 00:23:45.087
Yeah, so she has an Instagram.
00:23:45.087 --> 00:23:45.327
Yeah, I know of her.
00:23:45.468 --> 00:23:57.038
And I would just come across her reels- Yeah every once in a while, and that was, like, so helpful because it was just this l- this pinprick of light in the midst of darkness.
00:23:57.038 --> 00:23:57.617
Same for you?
00:24:00.028 --> 00:24:00.307
Yeah.
00:24:00.488 --> 00:24:04.887
And that was really- I just love that help- helpful.
00:24:04.978 --> 00:24:05.837
I think that...
00:24:05.877 --> 00:24:12.518
But those, those would've been the times where I was just like,"Lord, I don't, I'm, I don't know."
00:24:12.538 --> 00:24:12.857
Yeah.
00:24:13.948 --> 00:24:14.238
Yeah.
00:24:15.423 --> 00:24:19.063
I mean, it sounds like you were able to be honest with Him in your lament.
00:24:19.173 --> 00:24:25.252
I mean, it sounds like you didn't even really have lament'cause you had such strong trust, but were you able to be emotionally free with God?
00:24:25.252 --> 00:24:34.123
'Cause I think some people struggle with, well, can I really bring Him my, my heart and my, you know, if you do have any anger or whatever, you know?
00:24:35.669 --> 00:24:37.729
Yes, there was plenty of lament.
00:24:38.419 --> 00:24:51.788
I think in, in s- difficult seasons in the past in my life when, when you asked the, the silence question, I did think of another season of my life where it, I felt profound silence from God.
00:24:52.919 --> 00:25:00.608
And, Wow didn't quite know what to do with that'cause I hadn't really experienced that to that level before.
00:25:01.108 --> 00:25:21.818
Yeah but I knew I had been trained enough through sermons at my church, and teaching, and books that I'd read to know that so long as I am continually going, going back to the Lord, I can come to him with my anger, I can come to him with my questions, I can come to him with my sadness.
00:25:22.278 --> 00:25:32.409
But it must be pointed to him that I, I knew that even just that action was going to produce fruit,'cause it just felt like a very fruitless season.
00:25:32.598 --> 00:25:32.739
Mm.
00:25:33.769 --> 00:25:39.159
And'cause like h- how can this much, how can all of this pain bring anything good out of it?
00:25:39.269 --> 00:25:42.489
And- Yeah I knew, okay, well, I am sowing.
00:25:42.548 --> 00:25:46.769
Like, I'm, because I'm just keep, I keep going back to him, keep going back to him.
00:25:47.298 --> 00:25:54.989
And that s- the, that lamenting kind of formed that habit into me.
00:25:55.328 --> 00:25:56.838
So I would often-
00:25:56.878 --> 00:25:57.199
Mm
00:25:57.429 --> 00:25:59.078
just cry out to the Lord.
00:25:59.078 --> 00:26:07.318
I love the Psalm says,"Pour out your heart to him, God is a refuge for us," because it's so true- Mm and it's so good.
00:26:07.318 --> 00:26:08.298
It's a relationship.
00:26:08.409 --> 00:26:10.398
Like, we have a relationship with God.
00:26:10.709 --> 00:26:17.048
I have a relationship with my savior, and oh, my goodness, like, it has deepened.
00:26:17.058 --> 00:26:31.308
It, it's been a very odd experience to have been in through such an emptying, like emptying till I have absolutely nothing left because of just the exhaustion- Yep and the intensity.
00:26:31.378 --> 00:26:34.439
Mentally, I've never held this much in my head before.
00:26:34.888 --> 00:26:47.568
Um, to be, have been so emptied and have barely spent time, like with the Lord, it would just be like these passings like,"Lord, please help me." Yeah.
00:26:47.638 --> 00:26:58.509
And, and yet to have like, an even deeper relationship with him because my trust in him has strengthened so much.
00:26:58.578 --> 00:27:01.798
So it's kinda, I feel like it's kind of like going through war.
00:27:01.808 --> 00:27:08.378
Like Todd and I, our marriage has strengthened so much through this because we've been through war together.
00:27:08.409 --> 00:27:10.048
Like, we're, we're comrades now.
00:27:10.378 --> 00:27:10.419
Yeah.
00:27:10.429 --> 00:27:13.838
Um, where before our problem was always fighting each other.
00:27:14.363 --> 00:27:15.823
But now are fighting this problem.
00:27:16.702 --> 00:27:20.232
And it produced such a, a a camaraderie.
00:27:20.262 --> 00:27:22.952
And I felt similar with the Lord, where it's like you didn't...
00:27:23.432 --> 00:27:36.603
For the rest of my life, I will hold in my heart the fact that you had mercy on my son and- Mm let him survive, and sustained him through all of that, and ha- and now he's thriving.
00:27:36.952 --> 00:27:38.833
Like, that's something I cannot deny.
00:27:38.873 --> 00:27:46.682
No matter what twists and turns my life will take from this point, I know that He has been faithful to us- Yeah and He has been kind to us.
00:27:46.692 --> 00:27:47.702
'Cause He can be faithful.
00:27:47.792 --> 00:27:56.742
He could've let, decided to let Caleb die, and He would've been just as faithful, just as good, and He would've carried us through that.
00:27:58.780 --> 00:27:59.750
But he didn't?
00:28:00.661 --> 00:28:02.000
It's like why?
00:28:02.580 --> 00:28:04.590
Because that is who he is.
00:28:04.590 --> 00:28:07.611
He does what he wills and we can't question it.
00:28:07.621 --> 00:28:08.040
Yeah.
00:28:09.217 --> 00:28:09.507
Yeah.
00:28:09.507 --> 00:28:10.116
Oh my gosh.
00:28:10.156 --> 00:28:13.336
I mean, I'm on board with this, with your theology, absolutely.
00:28:13.336 --> 00:28:17.446
And the reason I say that is, like, I feel like recently I've been inundated online with just...
00:28:18.067 --> 00:28:22.936
And I'd, again, I have to be very careful with my words because I don't want to, how do I put this?
00:28:22.977 --> 00:28:25.376
I don't want to be mean to other brothers and sisters in Christ.
00:28:25.386 --> 00:28:25.406
Yeah.
00:28:25.416 --> 00:28:38.846
I don't know who is a real believer or not, but I feel like the theology is out there everywhere where it's like,"If God loves you, He will heal." Or in other words, He- He- if you have enough faith, He will heal you, just the wrong prosperity gospel theologies.
00:28:39.696 --> 00:28:39.707
Mm.
00:28:39.707 --> 00:28:39.757
Deadly.
00:28:39.757 --> 00:28:39.926
And so I just so appreciate having this conversation.
00:28:39.926 --> 00:28:45.086
And all my guests, you know, I, I'm very careful with who I, I interview because I don't want...
00:28:45.116 --> 00:28:48.707
I do think those false theologies lead to a lot of pain.
00:28:48.717 --> 00:28:52.576
But I agree with you completely on what you're saying, just God's sovereignty.
00:28:52.576 --> 00:28:57.936
And, and, and so to that point, I'm wondering, like, did you ever ask God the why my baby?
00:28:57.967 --> 00:29:01.366
'Cause, you know, I've asked the Lord the why question, and sometimes He does answer.
00:29:01.366 --> 00:29:08.727
And I'm just curious if He's given you any insight about the purpose for his life or anything specific, you know, like in the dark.
00:29:08.946 --> 00:29:11.366
'Cause God really does speak beautiful things in the dark.
00:29:12.116 --> 00:29:12.676
Mm-hmm.
00:29:13.277 --> 00:29:15.336
There have been different moments.
00:29:15.707 --> 00:29:25.727
Um, we named him Caleb because I love the, the man Caleb in the Bible when the Israelites finally get to the Promised Land.
00:29:25.936 --> 00:29:26.247
Yeah.
00:29:26.267 --> 00:29:29.457
And they send in the spies to scope it out.
00:29:29.676 --> 00:29:30.737
They all come back.
00:29:30.817 --> 00:29:45.207
Most of them are saying-"There are these giants, and it's so s- we're never gonna get-" conquer the land." And Caleb and Joshua quiet the people and assure them that it's a wonderful land.
00:29:45.227 --> 00:29:50.396
God has promised that we're that He will bring us to it and will help us defeat these enemies.
00:29:50.396 --> 00:29:52.737
And, um, hi- just His steadfastness.
00:29:53.576 --> 00:29:53.586
Mm.
00:29:53.817 --> 00:30:01.017
And that was, as I was praying for him when I was pregnant with him, that was the thing that kept coming to mind, was just steady steadfastness.
00:30:01.586 --> 00:30:01.876
And
00:30:01.876 --> 00:30:05.987
so- Wow we named him Caleb because it means wholehearted and faithful.
00:30:07.247 --> 00:30:09.436
And oh, that's, what was your question?
00:30:12.247 --> 00:30:14.856
Oh, just did you ask God the why question?
00:30:14.866 --> 00:30:14.916
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:30:14.916 --> 00:30:16.846
Like, why did you allow this?
00:30:16.856 --> 00:30:20.926
What is your purpose for his disability or whatever, the temporary disability?
00:30:22.414 --> 00:30:45.585
So, so because that was kind of on my heart that gave me a kind of guiding focus for him, where, well, obviously, hopefully Lord, would you use these disabilities that he has to make him steady in you, to make him steadfast, to be someone that people look to for his faith and his leadership.
00:30:46.025 --> 00:30:51.075
And that, that helped a lot in anticipating his birth.
00:30:51.214 --> 00:30:56.025
And then afterwards, I do remember, I was trying to mem- recall the specific instance.
00:30:56.615 --> 00:30:58.424
But I still have the feeling, so I know it happened.
00:30:59.194 --> 00:31:15.553
There was a, there were some moments when he came home and I was just m- it was just like,"I'm sorry, buddy." Like,"I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this." Like, the pain, the discomfort.
00:31:15.563 --> 00:31:16.093
He had...
00:31:16.133 --> 00:31:22.893
Oh, probably the worst was he had, he kept, his feeding tube kept getting pulled out of his nose, and so they put a bridle on.
00:31:23.472 --> 00:31:24.833
They basically weave...
00:31:24.863 --> 00:31:25.452
It's awful.
00:31:25.462 --> 00:31:25.472
Oh.
00:31:25.563 --> 00:31:33.363
They weave a, a tube up through your, behind your septum- Oh come back down to, and then fasten it so that- Mm-hmm he can't pull the tube out.
00:31:34.002 --> 00:31:40.512
And that just looked so insanely uncomfortable, and then he had a cold, and it was just- Yeah like awful.
00:31:41.153 --> 00:31:52.692
So those kind of things- Oh I was like,"Man, you could just be like caring about rolling balls around and laughing with your siblings." He does laugh with the siblings a lot.
00:31:52.792 --> 00:31:57.883
But those initial months- Yeah were, they were hard thinking about that.
00:31:58.923 --> 00:31:59.442
Wow.
00:31:59.502 --> 00:32:11.762
I mean, yeah, that is so As a mother, I cannot e- I mean, I have a niece, and I cannot even imagine, like, the kind of strength that God must have given you to just endure that and watching that.
00:32:11.772 --> 00:32:17.813
I mean, I can't And it kind of, right now I just had, like, this flash to God watching Jesus on the cross.
00:32:18.423 --> 00:32:30.742
I mean, anyway, it's- Mm it's, it just blows my mind that, I mean, He obviously carried you through, and He's continuing to give you strength, and I really just admire your tenacity in trusting God even through watching your child suffer.
00:32:30.742 --> 00:32:35.212
Like, it really is kind of a, a, a very unique cro- Well, we're not calling it a cross.
00:32:35.482 --> 00:32:36.432
A unique calling.
00:32:36.692 --> 00:32:36.742
No,
00:32:36.913 --> 00:32:37.153
it's not.
00:32:37.623 --> 00:32:38.022
Yeah.
00:32:38.512 --> 00:32:48.232
I mean, you know, I do wanna say, like, on the why question, so it sounds like, okay, maybe the I, I don't know, did you, I don't know if you answered that about the Lord, you know, did He give you the why.
00:32:48.462 --> 00:32:48.742
Hm
00:32:49.123 --> 00:32:49.772
it sounds like-
00:32:49.772 --> 00:32:50.492
It's all
00:32:50.492 --> 00:32:50.853
for
00:32:50.853 --> 00:32:52.653
itself and glory, but maybe
00:32:52.653 --> 00:32:57.012
not, but yeah, that's always the, yeah, that's always the backstop.
00:32:57.042 --> 00:33:07.942
And it reminds me of John 9:3, I think, where, you know, the disciples ask Jesus, like,"Was this man born blind because of his sin or his parents' sin?" But the Lord said,"No, it was for my glory." And, and I love- Yeah that verse.
00:33:07.952 --> 00:33:09.153
It's such a beautiful one.
00:33:09.212 --> 00:33:17.502
I think that God, John Piper talks about how in any one moment, God is doing 10,000 things.
00:33:18.363 --> 00:33:19.462
And I think-
00:33:19.472 --> 00:33:19.873
Yeah
00:33:21.353 --> 00:33:28.153
that's probably why I haven't asked why so much because I, the, it's like He's not, there's not, like, one reason.
00:33:28.623 --> 00:33:34.792
I think if we reduce our suffering to, oh, it was for this purpose, sometimes that's not enough.
00:33:35.252 --> 00:33:40.292
Like that's not, not a good reason enough to, to justify all the pain.
00:33:40.553 --> 00:33:42.002
But God, but it's not one.
00:33:42.042 --> 00:33:43.833
It's, it's 10,000.
00:33:44.123 --> 00:33:54.682
Like, God is doing- Yeah so much more than we can fathom, let alone just if, even if He, if He told it to us everything that He was doing, I don't think we could take it all in.
00:33:55.163 --> 00:34:03.313
So that's where He's, He's revealed little bits here and there, like, oh, that- Yeah you can shine as a light in Boston Children's Hospital.
00:34:03.682 --> 00:34:11.072
Oh, that you can write these songs, this album to comfort other parents in the midst of their struggles.
00:34:11.652 --> 00:34:18.913
Oh, that you can strengthen and, the church that you moved to be a part of, and that they would have the opportunity to serve you.
00:34:19.253 --> 00:34:30.273
Oh, so you can have this experience logged away so that whenever you encounter someone in similar circumstances, you are able to, to relate to them and sympathize with them.
00:34:30.333 --> 00:34:33.072
So that's, it's just, like, always overflowing.
00:34:33.072 --> 00:34:40.432
And I know that- Mm Caleb's life is also going to be that, just a constant unfolding of God's good purposes for his life.
00:34:40.753 --> 00:34:47.864
If you've ever felt like life's challenges are burning a little too hot and asking the Lord why, I wrote something just for you.
00:34:47.934 --> 00:34:57.244
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00:34:57.393 --> 00:35:04.083
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00:35:04.114 --> 00:35:15.353
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00:35:15.384 --> 00:35:21.514
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00:35:21.523 --> 00:35:23.693
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00:35:23.733 --> 00:35:32.634
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00:35:32.653 --> 00:35:39.684
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00:35:39.793 --> 00:35:44.094
Some tragedies don't tie up in a redemptive bow on this side of heaven.
00:35:44.184 --> 00:35:47.833
But in Christ, redemption is always awaiting us in eternity.
00:35:47.893 --> 00:35:50.864
So let's keep singing through the fire together
00:35:51.047 --> 00:35:52.237
that's so beautiful.
00:35:52.306 --> 00:35:53.797
I mean, I love that so much.
00:35:53.797 --> 00:35:55.226
The And I love John Piper.
00:35:55.237 --> 00:35:58.277
It's like his ministry has encouraged me so much on this bed.
00:35:58.286 --> 00:35:58.856
Mm-hmm.
00:35:58.927 --> 00:36:04.257
And, uh, you know, anyway, I Yeah, I just love everything you just said.
00:36:04.257 --> 00:36:13.666
And, and, and, and that actually segues well into my next question of, like, how Romans 8:28 promises that God works all things together, you know, for the good of those who love Him.
00:36:13.666 --> 00:36:26.367
And when you look at your, you know, Caleb story now, I'm wondering, you know, what kind of good have you seen God already bring out out of something that, you know, you probably wouldn't have chosen yourself?
00:36:26.996 --> 00:36:30.056
And maybe this ties into your album if you'd like to share or Yeah
00:36:31.815 --> 00:36:32.385
Yeah.
00:36:32.505 --> 00:36:45.255
Um, yeah, I mean, I, uh, I could, I could go on and on and on about how God has used Caleb's life so far and this experience for us, um, to strengthen our family.
00:36:45.255 --> 00:36:51.715
I, I'm so full of faith that our other two kids are being shaped by this as well.
00:36:52.255 --> 00:36:52.945
Um-
00:36:53.695 --> 00:36:54.264
Oh, yeah
00:36:54.264 --> 00:37:01.255
pulling into them hearts of mercy, and they're not intimidated when they come across kids with other disabilities.
00:37:01.735 --> 00:37:01.965
Yeah
00:37:01.965 --> 00:37:04.704
so those would be some profound ones.
00:37:04.735 --> 00:37:08.164
Being able to be a light at the hospital.
00:37:08.195 --> 00:37:19.474
Boston's a very spiritually dark place, and we have just been able to have so many- Wow cool conversations with nurses and doctors and develop friendships with these amazing people.
00:37:19.994 --> 00:37:31.425
And testify again and again and again of how wonderful it is to be a child of God and to be a Christian and to be able to trust Him.
00:37:31.434 --> 00:37:44.844
Something really encouraging recently as I said, I had very little capacity while we were caring for Caleb to do much processing, but I, I am a, I write poetry a lot.
00:37:44.954 --> 00:37:47.534
And I am a songwriter.
00:37:47.934 --> 00:37:57.974
And so throughout c- our journey with Caleb kind of in order to process through particularly difficult moments I would just...
00:37:58.014 --> 00:38:00.355
The poetry always kind of flows out in those moments.
00:38:00.945 --> 00:38:02.184
I start thinking in verse.
00:38:03.405 --> 00:38:19.474
And, um, so I would just, I took out my phone and would just write and try and get me from this painful experience to,"I trust you, Lord, and I surrender this to you," kind of to remind...
00:38:19.474 --> 00:38:20.804
I, I guess it's like the Psalms.
00:38:20.824 --> 00:38:24.875
Can you, can you talk a little bit about how you turned the poetry to music?
00:38:26.525 --> 00:38:27.005
Yeah.
00:38:27.045 --> 00:38:29.215
Some of them were songs already.
00:38:29.324 --> 00:38:30.925
I wrote just two of them actually.
00:38:31.295 --> 00:38:35.545
I wrote a song while Caleb was in his open heart surgery.
00:38:36.195 --> 00:38:59.695
He was two weeks old, and we were waiting to get the first call to tell us how it was going, and I wanted to pause and just write something, produce something to attest to in this moment, before we know what happens, before we know anything, what do I know about God that I can sing about?
00:39:00.215 --> 00:39:03.655
And so there's a, it's called A Song to Sing.
00:39:03.684 --> 00:39:06.574
I've got a song to sing when the storms are surging.
00:39:06.864 --> 00:39:09.054
I've got a prayer to pray when my heart is hurting.
00:39:09.894 --> 00:39:13.264
The mercy of the Lord is deeper than the sea, and He's watching over me.
00:39:14.458 --> 00:39:17.378
I've got a hope to hold when my hand, my arms are empty.
00:39:18.148 --> 00:39:19.619
Um, that keeps going.
00:39:19.739 --> 00:39:26.309
But so that was one, and then I also wrote a, a lullaby for Caleb to sing to him at night.
00:39:26.559 --> 00:39:27.798
But the other ones- Aw.
00:39:27.958 --> 00:39:34.778
I was not expecting to make anything of this.
00:39:34.818 --> 00:39:35.778
I, I had just...
00:39:35.818 --> 00:39:48.336
They were all on a Google Doc, and that's where it was I, um, showed my-- I shared this document with my sister-in-law who they had a son who had leukemia.
00:39:49.217 --> 00:39:58.347
So she kind of went through all- Oh all the hospital stays and, um, wondering about his life and entrusting it to the Lord.
00:39:58.356 --> 00:40:19.056
And she started reading it, and I remember she just looked up at me with tears in her eyes and she said,"Brittany, this is a gift that you need to share with others." Um, because I think- Mm there's-- I think God's given me a gift with connecting raw, relatable emotion with biblical truth.
00:40:19.697 --> 00:40:28.367
I think sometimes we can- Yeah be really great about expressing the emotion, but we're left there, and that's not what we need.
00:40:29.516 --> 00:40:30.717
At least that's not what I need.
00:40:30.726 --> 00:40:33.347
I need to be directed somewhere.
00:40:33.677 --> 00:40:38.827
And to know that, okay, this, the, the, everything that I know about God is still true in this moment.
00:40:39.367 --> 00:40:45.327
Just because I feel this, this feeling fits into my theology.
00:40:45.456 --> 00:40:46.456
They're not separate.
00:40:47.387 --> 00:41:02.527
And so, so I kind of tucked that away and I, um, I was on a trip at the time, so I, I, on the flight home, I just was like,"Well, let me just, like, see if I can make these into, like, song format," like lyrics, verses, all that.
00:41:02.597 --> 00:41:07.686
So, so- That's so neat by the end of the flight, I had, like, 11 songs.
00:41:08.626 --> 00:41:10.586
So God was doing something.
00:41:11.516 --> 00:41:18.246
Um, a few days, a few, a couple weeks later- Wow I went to the hospital with Caleb.
00:41:18.277 --> 00:41:27.097
Came home, the drive home, I was like,"Well, let me just kind of like sing melodies to some of these and see if I can come up with something," and I had like six melodies
00:41:27.416 --> 00:41:28.106
for songs,
00:41:28.266 --> 00:41:30.456
I think four or five of which are on the album.
00:41:30.887 --> 00:41:35.746
With, like, the, like, instrumental, like, lines and stuff, which is not normal.
00:41:35.746 --> 00:41:38.117
That's not normally how I go about this.
00:41:39.157 --> 00:41:44.617
So from there, kind of this past year, it was just, God just kept opening doors.
00:41:44.746 --> 00:41:55.086
Um, so it would be, oh, the k- my two older kids are all of a sudden playing really well with each other all the time, where before I'd have to be breaking up fights all the time.
00:41:55.777 --> 00:41:57.347
And so I had all this time.
00:41:57.556 --> 00:42:02.586
So I started, like, working on the songs, and I sent them to my dad, he's a songwriter as well.
00:42:02.827 --> 00:42:04.387
My sister, she's a songwriter.
00:42:04.396 --> 00:42:05.516
Friend who's a songwriter.
00:42:05.567 --> 00:42:09.746
And they were giving me feedback and pointing me in the right direction.
00:42:09.746 --> 00:42:19.335
And by the end of this past, I guess like in maybe January, February, I was like,"Okay, well-" I have an album.
00:42:21.775 --> 00:42:22.824
It happened very suddenly.
00:42:22.835 --> 00:42:22.855
Wow.
00:42:22.905 --> 00:42:27.644
But the, the initial, like, 10 songs, they came about within a few weeks.
00:42:27.835 --> 00:42:29.474
It was kind of astonishing.
00:42:29.485 --> 00:42:31.945
Oh, I cannot believe, like Wow.
00:42:31.994 --> 00:42:47.755
And this is I'm just, like, processing, like, how God g- I mean, you are obviously exceedingly talented, and God is using your talents to turn it to praise to Him, and thus redeeming all the suffering through music.
00:42:47.775 --> 00:42:49.485
I mean, this is the singing through fire.
00:42:49.485 --> 00:42:51.065
This is the point of the podcast.
00:42:51.114 --> 00:42:51.215
Ah.
00:42:51.295 --> 00:42:55.094
Tell us a little bit about So were you a singer-songwriter before all this?
00:42:55.094 --> 00:42:57.514
I come from a very musical family.
00:42:57.614 --> 00:43:00.074
My dad is Bob Kauflin.
00:43:00.085 --> 00:43:06.295
He's a director of Sovereign Grace Music, so it's a worship ministry.
00:43:06.295 --> 00:43:08.644
So I've been around the worship music world my whole life.
00:43:08.695 --> 00:43:10.025
I worked for him for eight years.
00:43:10.534 --> 00:43:14.594
And I mean, when I was a kid, I wanted to write worship songs.
00:43:14.594 --> 00:43:15.835
I thought that would be really cool.
00:43:15.835 --> 00:43:20.295
But it was mainly just because I, I wanted to be recognized for having written a worship song.
00:43:20.295 --> 00:43:25.775
So God- in His mercy did not give me any songs at that point.
00:43:25.914 --> 00:43:26.195
Um.
00:43:27.005 --> 00:43:27.864
We're all like that.
00:43:27.864 --> 00:43:28.094
And it wasn't un-
00:43:28.974 --> 00:43:29.385
Yeah.
00:43:30.554 --> 00:43:42.295
It wasn't until my oldest sister went through a severe trial in her life ended up moving in with me and my parents, and with all of her kids.
00:43:42.644 --> 00:43:47.534
And walking through that with her, it just kind of birthed these songs.
00:43:47.545 --> 00:43:52.454
So I wrote a song for her daughter, who was born in the midst of that.
00:43:52.784 --> 00:43:59.385
And then I wrote a song called Streams in the Desert, um, that's taken after a devotional called Streams in the Desert.
00:43:59.934 --> 00:44:05.217
Just kind of- Uh, about that, like God causes streams in the desert.
00:44:05.306 --> 00:44:09.137
And that, that began...
00:44:09.516 --> 00:44:13.336
So this was back in 2011, 2012.
00:44:13.657 --> 00:44:16.967
That began I just like would occasionally be inspired.
00:44:17.097 --> 00:44:27.257
But it was always related to a moment of suffering, um, or grieving with someone.
00:44:27.367 --> 00:44:31.117
A number of dear friends had lost people they loved.
00:44:31.197 --> 00:44:35.737
I was best friends with a, a woman who was a widow.
00:44:35.746 --> 00:44:40.956
His- her husband had died in a car accident when she was nine months pregnant with her fourth child.
00:44:41.856 --> 00:44:48.186
So while kind of walking through her, with her through grief and seeing up close what that looks like.
00:44:48.217 --> 00:45:03.737
Um, and so through all those I processed a lot of the f- the pain that I was feeling and sharing with others through poetry, through song, and I would post those on Facebook.
00:45:04.356 --> 00:45:07.507
And people seemed to respond to them.
00:45:07.967 --> 00:45:10.507
Um, I thi- I can't remember what year it was.
00:45:10.507 --> 00:45:18.097
I think it was in 2015 I wrote a song called Glory in the Darkest Place, so Chri- it's kind of like a Christmas lament.
00:45:18.597 --> 00:45:22.476
And posted that on Facebook, and God was just...
00:45:22.547 --> 00:45:25.257
It, it was like the right moment at the right time.
00:45:25.356 --> 00:45:27.036
And it, it struck a chord.
00:45:27.197 --> 00:45:35.956
And there were a lot of like churches who had had significant losses right before Christmas and didn't h- didn't know what to sing.
00:45:36.387 --> 00:45:36.396
Hmm.
00:45:36.407 --> 00:45:41.407
And they were able to sing this song because it links that.
00:45:41.407 --> 00:45:41.416
Hmm.
00:45:41.416 --> 00:45:47.536
Like, Jesus came to be with us in our suffering and to see glory in the darkest place.
00:45:48.257 --> 00:45:58.746
And so from there I ended up making an album called Glory in the Darkest Place that had eight, eight of the songs that I had, um, written.
00:45:58.827 --> 00:46:13.827
Specifically wanted to produce it in a way that, like, you could give it to someone who had just lost someone and it wouldn't be this like jarring ex- musical experience'cause God's made- Hmm my voice to be a very not rocking voice.
00:46:13.927 --> 00:46:25.266
And I've found joy in that, in embracing the, the, the quiet voice that He's given me in order to comfort those that are suffering.
00:46:25.956 --> 00:46:28.586
So that's kind of been my heart- Mm-hmm right?
00:46:28.606 --> 00:46:31.317
Seeking to write worship songs along the same vein.
00:46:31.447 --> 00:46:37.686
And so I did have a lot of foundation to build upon for this, where yeah, I think-
00:46:37.706 --> 00:46:38.206
Wow
00:46:39.686 --> 00:46:42.396
There, it was easier to write it than just starting from scratch.
00:46:42.407 --> 00:46:43.657
That is so amazing.
00:46:43.657 --> 00:46:54.556
Like, I love to see how God has brought y- used your talents to bring you through this journey to be ready for now this moment, where now you're speaking into pain from a personal angle as well.
00:46:54.567 --> 00:46:58.277
Like, you're al- you're, I'm sure you're sharing a lot of your heart on this.
00:46:58.577 --> 00:47:01.496
And, and can you tell our audience- Yeah just so they know about...
00:47:01.896 --> 00:47:02.197
Yeah.
00:47:03.967 --> 00:47:04.467
The album.
00:47:04.856 --> 00:47:05.797
Um- The in
00:47:06.027 --> 00:47:06.880
terms of the- It's called
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:12.246
Held Yeah And I have, um, I'm sure you're referring to the Kickstarter.
00:47:13.726 --> 00:47:18.396
Have a Kickstarter- Yeah going right now to try and raise some funds to...
00:47:18.427 --> 00:47:25.677
It, it seems, based upon a number of factors it seems like this is something that God is in.
00:47:25.907 --> 00:47:33.036
And I just feel like I'm just being swept along in His desire for this thing to get out.
00:47:33.456 --> 00:47:37.297
And so, we wanna make it the best that it can be.
00:47:37.447 --> 00:47:39.106
My dad is really involved.
00:47:39.117 --> 00:47:41.956
He, he's produced a lot of albums executive produced.
00:47:42.556 --> 00:47:45.467
And then, um, I...
00:47:45.516 --> 00:47:56.197
But my desire for it is that it would be a, a companion to parents in the hospital at home as they're caring for their children.
00:47:56.206 --> 00:47:56.217
Mm.
00:47:56.836 --> 00:48:07.407
Or even for parents who have, that's well in the past and yet have never really taken time to, like, process through what they had been through.
00:48:07.536 --> 00:48:12.407
Because of the intensity of it, it's easy to just kind of push that all aside and keep going.
00:48:13.186 --> 00:48:17.806
And so I just, I have a real heart to serve mothers especially in that.
00:48:17.907 --> 00:48:21.206
There's a song on the album, there's a, a couple songs.
00:48:21.317 --> 00:48:29.547
One is called Bleeding Heart, and it was a song I wrote while I was pumping trying to navigate...
00:48:29.547 --> 00:48:31.806
Well, sorry, it's based on a poem I wrote while I was pumping.
00:48:32.257 --> 00:48:56.411
To navigate how the balance of, like- There's this ocean of grief that I could just numb myself to, and that would be easier, or I can walk through with the man of sorrows who knows my pain and knows our, our grief.
00:48:56.512 --> 00:48:59.472
And so I...
00:48:59.972 --> 00:49:12.032
That would be an example of, like, a song hopefully that would be able to kind of help someone through the intensity of grief into the fact that, no, it's okay.
00:49:12.271 --> 00:49:21.521
It's okay to descend into the sea because he's going with you, and he's underneath you, and he's carrying you as we look to him.
00:49:21.791 --> 00:49:41.931
Um, and then another song called Dawn is sp- it was written out of a moment of just deep disappointment in, in, um, having to have canceled more things, more plans because of wanting to keep Caleb safe.
00:49:41.981 --> 00:50:01.722
And, kind of wrestling through disappointment in where your life has turned out, and that there's a higher road that we can take, and that is trusting on the promise of our Savior, letting His grace fill our lives and we can find that joy can dawn where sorrow remains.
00:50:02.572 --> 00:50:04.282
So those would be some examples.
00:50:04.391 --> 00:50:06.172
There's a number of songs on it, obviously.
00:50:06.271 --> 00:50:18.561
And the title track, Held, is based on a poem I wrote r- after I held him for the first time when he was two weeks old, and he was attached to so many wires that were keeping him alive.
00:50:18.641 --> 00:50:28.822
And so it just kind of encapsulates that moment of entrusting him to the God who holds, who was holding him closer than I could at that, at that time
00:50:30.132 --> 00:50:30.461
Wow.
00:50:30.501 --> 00:50:35.621
I mean, I just-- I'm getting chills, like, just hearing about the, the topics of the songs, let alone...
00:50:35.621 --> 00:50:38.302
I mean, and so we're gonna link the Kickstarter, everyone.
00:50:38.311 --> 00:50:42.581
If, you know, a- as the Lord leads you, please support this beautiful ministry.
00:50:42.581 --> 00:50:47.411
I mean, I do believe this is going to touch so many lives, Brittany.
00:50:47.422 --> 00:50:54.862
Just God is using your talents to bring comfort to others, and it's so beautiful to watch, and it's an honor to just hear your story today.
00:50:54.871 --> 00:51:03.012
And I want to just end it here of just for a last question, let you, you know, take the mic and sort of answer.
00:51:03.012 --> 00:51:18.402
What would you say to another mother out there right now who maybe has just been told s- you know, something might be physically wrong with her newborn, or she might be sitting somewhere similar to where you've sat the last few years, you know, grieving, terrified, praying for healing?
00:51:19.041 --> 00:51:21.742
What would you, what would you say to that person?
00:51:21.742 --> 00:51:23.041
How would you minister to them?
00:51:23.041 --> 00:51:28.041
Is there a word you wanna give right now to encourage them from-- based on what you've been through?
00:51:30.440 --> 00:51:35.190
I mean, so many things um, that I actually just had this experience.
00:51:35.630 --> 00:51:51.150
Like two weeks ago there was a family in our church who moved away, and she had just had a baby, and they found out that she has s- significant health issues that's kind of gonna affect them from here on out.
00:51:51.250 --> 00:51:56.719
And I messaged her and told her two things.
00:51:56.860 --> 00:52:03.280
One, everything you know about God to be true i- is true.
00:52:04.090 --> 00:52:16.349
Now, um, it might not feel like it, but that is Our, our theology is the defining factor of how we get through suffering.
00:52:16.739 --> 00:52:19.079
And so He is still good.
00:52:19.630 --> 00:52:21.059
He is still wise.
00:52:21.719 --> 00:52:23.320
He is still sovereign.
00:52:24.099 --> 00:52:28.880
He is, um, merciful, and He is gracious.
00:52:28.909 --> 00:52:42.219
This is, you know, you have credibility to say these things because you have walked through the fire, you know, and, and just not knowing what the outcome would be and just trusting the Lord, and I have no doubt you would have surrendered to the Lord even if the outcome were different.
00:52:42.219 --> 00:52:45.139
So thank you so much for joining us today, Brittney.
00:52:45.170 --> 00:52:50.730
I just pray that the Lord would just, You know, right now I'm just gonna pray, Lord, would you please bless her, this album?
00:52:51.039 --> 00:52:55.860
Would you please make this be a testimony of singing through the fire to, to millions, Lord?
00:52:55.860 --> 00:53:04.510
Would you just bless it and just put your hand over it and comfort Brittney and her husband and, and Caleb and their, their other two children as they walk through this new season?
00:53:04.869 --> 00:53:05.760
We praise you, Lord.
00:53:05.760 --> 00:53:06.679
Thank you so much.
00:53:06.980 --> 00:53:14.800
Thank you, Brittney, and, to everyone else who's listening, please take an example from Brittney's, faith and courage today and keep singing through your fires.
00:53:14.829 --> 00:53:15.500
God bless.
00:53:16.039 --> 00:53:20.539
Be sure to hit subscribe because I upload content every week to help other sufferers.
00:53:21.099 --> 00:53:22.509
To God be the glory.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.250
I wrote a song while Caleb was in his open heart surgery.
00:00:04.900 --> 00:00:10.289
He was two weeks old, and we were waiting to get the first call to tell us how it was going.
00:00:10.300 --> 00:00:28.399
And I wanted to pause and just write something, produce something to attest to in this moment, before we know what happens, before we know anything, what do I know about God that I can sing about?
00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:30.910
Welcome back to Singing Through Fire.
00:00:30.920 --> 00:00:42.380
I'm your host, Lara Silverman, and today we're continuing our Faith in the Furnace series, where we interview Christian warriors with powerful testimonies of God's sustaining grace in modern-day lions' dens.
00:00:42.789 --> 00:00:46.009
I'm so excited today to introduce you to Brittany Bourne.
00:00:46.490 --> 00:00:51.079
Brittany is a singer-songwriter who desires to help the hurting worship the Savior.
00:00:51.420 --> 00:00:57.719
She is passionate about using poetry and song to connect honest, relatable emotion with biblical truth.
00:00:57.990 --> 00:01:03.359
She is happily married and has three precious kids, one being medically complex.
00:01:04.329 --> 00:01:06.870
Without further ado, let's sing through the fire.
00:01:09.388 --> 00:01:20.438
This is Singing Through Fire, where we worship when it hurts, discuss hot takes from the furnace of affliction, and explore a biblical theology of suffering with a side of sass and sarcasm.
00:01:20.448 --> 00:01:32.468
From lamentations to laughter, this podcast is for anyone desperate for hope who's ever asked,"Why, Lord, why?" I've lost my health, career, and husband, so we're in this fight for faith together.
00:01:32.962 --> 00:01:34.221
Welcome to the show, Brittany.
00:01:34.221 --> 00:01:36.352
It's so nice to have you on today.
00:01:37.581 --> 00:01:38.561
Thank you so much.
00:01:38.561 --> 00:01:39.632
It's so good to be here.
00:01:41.402 --> 00:01:41.701
Yeah.
00:01:41.721 --> 00:01:55.132
I am so excited to meet you because I just love how the Lord is using music in your life to redeem your story, and because obviously music is a gift from Him, and you're exceedingly talented.
00:01:55.132 --> 00:01:56.841
And so I wanna...
00:01:56.891 --> 00:01:59.902
And, and this is what this whole point of the podcast is about, you know?
00:01:59.921 --> 00:02:01.621
I mean, singing through- Mm-hmm the fires.
00:02:01.662 --> 00:02:05.022
I love that this is not only literal in your case, but also metaphorical.
00:02:05.031 --> 00:02:07.221
So- let me start here.
00:02:07.531 --> 00:02:16.931
Can you just give us in a nutshell, um, what your Faith in the Furnace story is so the audience has an overview, and then we'll launch into questions.
00:02:18.551 --> 00:02:19.002
Yeah.
00:02:19.102 --> 00:02:21.641
So I, as you said, I'm married to Todd.
00:02:21.641 --> 00:02:22.562
We have three kids.
00:02:22.671 --> 00:02:25.681
We, our third born was a surprise pregnancy.
00:02:26.262 --> 00:02:37.412
And, um, we found out at his 20-week anatomy scan that he had multiple life-threatening and life-altering anom- anomalies.
00:02:37.451 --> 00:02:48.461
They initially tested I think my blood or his blood for, um, like, trisomy 18, 21, all those kinds of things, um, which all came back negative.
00:02:48.852 --> 00:02:57.192
And he praise the Lord, survived pregnancy'cause his heart was twice, uh, the size it should be, and we didn't know he would survive.
00:02:57.632 --> 00:03:03.262
We are here in Boston, and Boston Children's Hospital just did an incredible job.
00:03:03.262 --> 00:03:05.931
He survived birth, which was another miracle.
00:03:06.352 --> 00:03:12.852
Um, and they transferred him over to the hospital, to the cardiac ICU, where he was, spent the first two months of his life.
00:03:13.421 --> 00:03:18.842
At the time, we had a three-year-old and a one-and-a-half-year-old and we were in a new city.
00:03:18.842 --> 00:03:34.038
We had just recently moved, and so it was a whole lot trying to navigate- And a lot of it was a lot of the, the fire came from just the in- the intent...
00:03:34.098 --> 00:03:51.437
Well, initially the, um, emotional weight of not being able to hold the baby that I birthed and carried for nine months, and seeing him just hooked up to so many wires and tubes that were literally keeping him alive.
00:03:52.027 --> 00:04:02.617
And then from there trying to navigate because we had two little ones, I needed to spend a lot of time with them, and entrust Caleb, my youngest to the Lord.
00:04:03.157 --> 00:04:07.397
Navigating for Todd and I being a team on little sleep.
00:04:08.418 --> 00:04:20.057
Navigating just how to love one another and support one another when we weren't seeing a lot of each other, um, when we were both pushed to the extreme and past that.
00:04:20.158 --> 00:04:29.197
Caleb came home after three months- Yeah and he was on oxygen, feeding tube had to be- Wow his heart had to be monitored.
00:04:29.197 --> 00:04:30.177
We g- he got sick.
00:04:30.228 --> 00:04:33.057
We all got sick a ton those first six months.
00:04:33.497 --> 00:04:35.978
And so it- that was, like, the most insane time.
00:04:35.978 --> 00:04:39.627
We were in and out of the hospital constantly just trying to navigate all of that.
00:04:39.987 --> 00:04:52.937
So, so kind of from anticipation of having a child who we didn't know if he would live or, or die, and then- Wow being carried through the intensity of caring, learning how to care for a medically complex child.
00:04:52.968 --> 00:05:01.228
And but through it all- Yeah I mean, we have experienced the grace of God in the most profound ways.
00:05:01.718 --> 00:05:14.807
Joy, joyful faith in the Lord, even in the crazy fearful moments, even in kind of like this is so ridiculously hard that we just have to laugh about it.
00:05:16.108 --> 00:05:17.048
And-
00:05:17.338 --> 00:05:17.898
Right
00:05:17.898 --> 00:05:19.507
through it all I just seen God's faithfulness.
00:05:19.557 --> 00:05:19.908
Wow.
00:05:19.937 --> 00:05:20.327
Okay.
00:05:20.327 --> 00:05:24.247
So and just tell us, where is your son now medically?
00:05:24.257 --> 00:05:27.088
Like, has he healed at all, or what's the situation?
00:05:27.918 --> 00:05:29.057
Yeah, he's actually...
00:05:29.057 --> 00:05:30.757
God has been incredibly gracious.
00:05:30.788 --> 00:05:34.608
Um, he's blowing all of his doctors and therapists away.
00:05:35.067 --> 00:05:36.017
He is...
00:05:36.098 --> 00:05:36.798
I mean, I could go...
00:05:36.798 --> 00:05:39.338
It would take a while to go down the whole list of things that he has.
00:05:39.348 --> 00:05:39.598
Yeah.
00:05:39.608 --> 00:05:51.437
But he's- Yeah he's just progressing immensely, going from being continuously fed to now having G-feeds in his stomach which is a big deal, and he can orally eat some.
00:05:51.437 --> 00:05:54.538
Um, his heart is doing great.
00:05:54.687 --> 00:05:59.588
He's been able to weather some sicknesses without going to the hospital, which is a big deal for us.
00:06:00.307 --> 00:06:02.208
Um, and he's- Wow trying to learn.
00:06:02.208 --> 00:06:15.327
His, his spirit is one that is very determined and kind of rises to the challenge of whatever he's facing, and so he is a very ambitious little boy.
00:06:15.548 --> 00:06:17.697
He climbs everywhere.
00:06:17.757 --> 00:06:27.108
He hasn't learned to walk yet'cause he has low muscle tone, but he is trying his hardest, and is cruising wherever he can- Wow and gets into everything.
00:06:27.108 --> 00:06:27.788
So he's almost...
00:06:27.788 --> 00:06:29.197
He'll be two October 3rd.
00:06:29.798 --> 00:06:33.807
And, um, we are just blown away- Oh, wow every day at how well he's doing.
00:06:34.887 --> 00:06:36.857
So what is the diagnosis?
00:06:36.877 --> 00:06:38.627
You said trisomy 18?
00:06:39.497 --> 00:06:39.716
Yeah.
00:06:39.716 --> 00:06:39.976
No.
00:06:39.976 --> 00:06:40.716
He doesn't have that.
00:06:40.836 --> 00:06:42.137
He does not have a diagnosis.
00:06:42.137 --> 00:06:42.346
Oh.
00:06:42.516 --> 00:06:43.036
They...
00:06:43.036 --> 00:06:51.507
It's some kind of genetic syndrome- Oh that they- they've, like, done the furthest- Wow extent of genetic testing, and they don't know what it is.
00:06:51.637 --> 00:06:52.906
Which- Wow like, that's fine.
00:06:53.377 --> 00:06:54.297
The Lord knows.
00:06:54.706 --> 00:06:56.396
He wrote his DNA, and-
00:06:56.737 --> 00:06:56.987
Yeah
00:06:56.987 --> 00:06:59.416
He has a special mission for Caleb.
00:06:59.826 --> 00:07:05.016
And so we're happy to just give, surrender him to the Lord and, and watch.
00:07:05.057 --> 00:07:10.687
I mean, we've been able to do that and just have watched him bloom under God's hand.
00:07:11.795 --> 00:07:12.086
Wow.
00:07:12.086 --> 00:07:12.536
Okay.
00:07:12.596 --> 00:07:15.045
I mean, first of all, thank you so much for sharing.
00:07:15.065 --> 00:07:30.586
And I wanna start by asking you, at the beginning of this journey when, you know, the doctor said there are some abnormalities or whatever they saw while you were pregnant, like, what did those first, you know, few days look like for you emotionally and spiritually?
00:07:30.586 --> 00:07:37.105
I mean, what went through your mind when you realized,"Oh, my gosh, my child might have significant disabilities," or whatever you wanna call it?
00:07:38.466 --> 00:07:38.836
Yep.
00:07:39.456 --> 00:07:49.646
This is a story I really love telling because it shows so much, teaches us so much about God's sovereignty and hi- and in His care for us.
00:07:50.055 --> 00:08:03.505
So my youngest si- I'm one of six kids and my youngest dau- m- uh, I mean, my younger sister she got married- to a guy whose older brother is severely autistic.
00:08:04.026 --> 00:08:23.185
And I- Hmm a number of years ago, a number of years ago, before I was married, before anything, I was sitting across from his mom and just asked her,'cause they're believers, and I asked her, like,"What was that like to, like, when you realized that he's not ever leaving the house?" Like, uh, everything now.
00:08:23.196 --> 00:08:26.396
It was their firstborn too, so it's like everything has changed for you.
00:08:26.406 --> 00:08:53.864
And- Yeah sh- I will never forget, she looked across at me, like completely honestly, and said,"I just thought, well, I guess this is the adventure the Lord has for us." And the, the joyful surrender and, like, hope-filled faith that just kind of, like, frees you from all of the"I thought it would be this way," all the expectations that we have for our own lives.
00:08:54.374 --> 00:09:04.793
I That, that really settled deep into my heart to the point that when t- when the doctor came in and told us the news about it, that those were the first words out of my mouth.
00:09:05.403 --> 00:09:08.693
Um, because God's- Aw brought her to mind.
00:09:09.073 --> 00:09:11.413
And, and I truly believed it.
00:09:11.413 --> 00:09:11.634
Like-
00:09:11.644 --> 00:09:12.134
Wow
00:09:12.203 --> 00:09:13.964
this is what God has for us.
00:09:14.063 --> 00:09:29.364
And not only that, I think we were in Kentucky at the time, and just His, His kind sovereignty and, like, we had already s- decided to move to Boston, which has Boston Children's Hospital is one of the two number one children's hospitals in the world.
00:09:29.803 --> 00:09:37.403
I don't think that Caleb would have survived if we had been somewhere else because of his complexity and because of- Mm the excellence of care that we got there.
00:09:38.073 --> 00:09:52.453
So that was another So that was my second comment was like,"Well, it's no mistake that we're moving- Yeah to Boston." So and that was just even more affirming, like God is in this- Oh, my gosh and He is orchestrating everything-
00:09:52.464 --> 00:09:52.974
Wow
00:09:53.024 --> 00:09:54.884
leading us to this moment.
00:09:55.004 --> 00:10:06.563
Um, and truly for, I mean, up until he was born, probably for the, the f- maybe first month after he was born, we didn't know if he was going to live.
00:10:07.094 --> 00:10:13.173
Especially before- Yeah they, they were kind of We were preparing for We researched what to do if he died.
00:10:13.183 --> 00:10:18.854
Like, we had had the conversations- Wow to be prepared for that moment if we were to- Yeah go across that.
00:10:18.994 --> 00:10:37.464
And I had, another kindness from the Lord I had walked through something similar with some dear friends of mine who had a baby with trisomy 18, and which is I think it's like you, you're missing a chromosome, and basically it's- Mm it's certain that they will not live very long.
00:10:37.673 --> 00:10:39.984
Everything just starts shutting down as soon as they're born.
00:10:40.703 --> 00:10:43.984
So they knew that they were gonna give birth to a son that was going to die.
00:10:44.384 --> 00:10:49.864
And- Oh they walked through that with such steady faith in the Lord.
00:10:50.494 --> 00:10:57.984
And, like, to be able to experience that side by side with them, grieve with them, laugh with them, rejoice with them in his life.
00:10:57.994 --> 00:10:59.224
He lived six days.
00:10:59.274 --> 00:10:59.693
Yeah.
00:11:01.629 --> 00:11:18.460
So having had that experience, I wasn't afraid because I had seen God work in such wonderful ways in the midst of the most intense grief, that I knew that he- Yeah would be faithful to carry me through that.
00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:21.809
Um, I was still very scared.
00:11:21.870 --> 00:11:22.360
Like that...
00:11:22.450 --> 00:11:26.649
So being a deeply feeling person, that was the part I just didn't know.
00:11:26.679 --> 00:11:27.049
Yeah.
00:11:27.049 --> 00:11:28.580
Like, we'd be in a new city.
00:11:29.429 --> 00:11:31.570
If we lose him, will I get lost?
00:11:31.610 --> 00:11:34.529
Like, will I lose myself in the grief?
00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:34.909
Yeah.
00:11:35.009 --> 00:11:39.970
And oh, it's so incredible because, like, God has done the opposite of that.
00:11:39.980 --> 00:11:48.980
He has kind of used this to free me from a lot of my just being led by my emotions.
00:11:49.009 --> 00:12:00.149
Because when you're caring for a medically complex child, you don't really have a lot of time to,"Well, I don't feel like doing that." Nope, you're gonna do it or he's not gonna survive.
00:12:00.759 --> 00:12:03.230
Um, so yeah, that's...
00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:04.750
I think those are my initial feelings.
00:12:06.047 --> 00:12:06.466
Wow.
00:12:06.466 --> 00:12:12.456
I mean, it's so beautiful to hear how God prepared you, like, in advance in so many different ways.
00:12:12.456 --> 00:12:12.636
Yeah.
00:12:13.116 --> 00:12:15.037
Like, He's done that for me as well.
00:12:15.037 --> 00:12:17.356
It just shows you His love and His sovereignty.
00:12:17.356 --> 00:12:19.236
I love how you, you said it.
00:12:19.236 --> 00:12:25.386
And I can totally relate to, like, how your son doesn't even have a diagnosis,'cause I don't really either.
00:12:25.386 --> 00:12:31.677
I mean, they threw a million at me- Mm but it's like there came a point where none of the treatments were working, so it was clear, like, all right, we've got the wrong thing.
00:12:32.027 --> 00:12:37.947
So I just, my heart goes out to you, and I just marvel at your faith of like, you know what, the Lord knows what it is, you know?
00:12:37.947 --> 00:12:39.136
And I just love that.
00:12:39.187 --> 00:12:39.527
And-
00:12:40.307 --> 00:12:40.447
Yeah
00:12:40.517 --> 00:12:46.866
and so how did you get to a point of, like, finally surrendering the outcome before his birth?
00:12:46.907 --> 00:12:58.106
Or maybe m- in other words, were you praying Obviously, you were praying desperately for healing, you know, bef- during the pregnancy, but did you feel like He encouraged you one way or the other?
00:12:58.106 --> 00:13:00.386
Or did He just say,"Surrender the outcome to me"?
00:13:00.386 --> 00:13:04.866
'Cause sometimes He tells us,"Hey, healing is coming." Other times He leaves us in the dark.
00:13:06.105 --> 00:13:15.716
I think that I felt so deeply that this was something bigger than me and my desires.
00:13:15.755 --> 00:13:20.755
I mean, no one desires to have a child with medical issues.
00:13:21.296 --> 00:13:23.265
It was so unexpected.
00:13:23.696 --> 00:13:25.285
The pregnancy was unexpected.
00:13:25.655 --> 00:13:33.655
All of his issues were unexpected, that I knew that it could only have been brought about by the Lord.
00:13:33.916 --> 00:13:38.524
So in that, like- Yeah I do pray for his healing now.
00:13:38.985 --> 00:13:42.835
We, I pray often when I put him to sleep pray for God to...
00:13:42.904 --> 00:13:44.794
I just pray over every part of his body.
00:13:45.375 --> 00:13:50.164
But and, I mean, there's things where it's, like, his right arm and leg are shorter than his left.
00:13:50.164 --> 00:13:52.065
That's not really something that's gonna change.
00:13:52.355 --> 00:14:00.575
But but other things, like his brain and his heart and his lungs but I don't remember praying that often for that.
00:14:00.575 --> 00:14:09.654
I think the overriding prayer during that time was,"Lord, would you glorify yourself through this?" Like, I do not want to waste this- Wow trial.
00:14:10.485 --> 00:14:13.664
Um, because I had wasted trials in the past.
00:14:13.725 --> 00:14:16.804
I, I don't have a g- a gr- a perfect track record here.
00:14:17.215 --> 00:14:18.355
And I regretted it.
00:14:18.365 --> 00:14:23.585
Like, I think that God works through trials so, powerfully.
00:14:23.585 --> 00:14:24.144
I think C.S.
00:14:24.144 --> 00:14:36.995
Lewis talks about God uses pain as a megaphone, so He speaks so clearly and- Oh, yeah and teaches us things in a way that sh- shapes us, um, irrevocably.
00:14:37.455 --> 00:14:39.495
So that- Wow was kind of a big deal.
00:14:39.595 --> 00:14:50.825
I will, I'll share one moment that I had two weeks after we had found out about his anomalies, and we were waiting for the blood work to find out if he was gonna have any of the trisomies.
00:14:51.294 --> 00:15:01.174
We went to the beach with my family, and I was standing on the shore and just kind of trying to, like, process, trying to wrap my head around it and my heart.
00:15:01.404 --> 00:15:18.144
And I looked down at the sand and was struck that, like, this is, like, billions upon countless grains of sand under my feet that are all, that have all been fashioned out of broken shells e- every single one of them.
00:15:18.254 --> 00:15:20.965
And God is the one that did that.
00:15:21.024 --> 00:15:34.095
Like, He, He sh- shaped every single one of them, and that same God is my God, and He's the one that is shaping my son's heart and had written his DNA- Mm and was shaping every part of his body.
00:15:34.205 --> 00:15:45.894
So as he was being formed in me, not knowing, like, what would come of it I knew that God was doing exactly what He wanted to do, and I knew that He is, does all things well.
00:15:46.504 --> 00:15:49.424
So, that brought- Mm so much peace.
00:15:49.975 --> 00:15:56.639
Um, so the, the, the days leading up to Caleb's birth were the most- Ugh.
00:15:57.568 --> 00:15:59.158
I wanna say wonderful.
00:15:59.278 --> 00:16:07.058
Like, they really were the most w- it was the most wonderful experience to take to every day.
00:16:07.058 --> 00:16:10.558
I mean, just, like, the anticipation of birth is such a powerful experience.
00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:18.349
But to be anticipating, like, I have no idea what's on the other side of this, but Lord, you do.
00:16:18.359 --> 00:16:18.658
Yeah.
00:16:18.778 --> 00:16:24.619
And all I can do is just fall back upon you, and what a wonderful place to be in, you know?
00:16:26.259 --> 00:16:26.750
Yeah.
00:16:26.850 --> 00:16:29.399
Oh my gosh, I just love the sand analogy.
00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:30.940
I mean, it's not even an analogy, it's true.
00:16:30.940 --> 00:16:32.789
Like, I had never even thought of it of...
00:16:32.830 --> 00:16:34.679
I had never heard that before.
00:16:35.389 --> 00:16:40.100
And it's just, I love how God has ministered to you at those most timely moments.
00:16:40.100 --> 00:16:44.659
Like, I just, I, I've seen that in my life as well, and your testimony is so powerful.
00:16:45.639 --> 00:17:07.039
You know, sort of transitioning into, you know, after birth, and, you know, as a mother, you know, when you realized you're,"Oh my gosh, I'm gonna have to care for a baby with so many challenges," how has Jesus's command to take up your cross taken on, you know, new meaning just- Mm through these unseen sacrifices of motherhood?
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:08.839
I mean, you're not just a new mom.
00:17:09.140 --> 00:17:14.450
At that point, you're, like, taking care of this medically complex child, and there's no training really for that.
00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:21.910
So can you talk to us about, you know- the meaning of taking up your cross in that context, how that has changed for you?
00:17:23.894 --> 00:17:38.233
I, um, when you sent these questions out and I read that one, I was struck- because that was the first time that I had ever heard that, that verse connected to our c- to, like, Caleb and all of his issues.
00:17:38.874 --> 00:17:39.084
Oh.
00:17:39.094 --> 00:17:47.834
Which revealed something to me that, like, I, we really haven't felt like it has been this great burden to bear.
00:17:47.864 --> 00:17:52.663
I think there have been moments- Wow that have been very hard.
00:17:52.953 --> 00:17:54.193
Especially initially.
00:17:54.193 --> 00:18:06.054
Like, I, I Forever I will hold the pain of pumping in the middle of the night for a baby that I didn't even know if- Mm would be well enough to take my milk.
00:18:06.554 --> 00:18:08.673
Those were those were some intense moments.
00:18:09.554 --> 00:18:14.304
But even there, like, God provided the grace and the strength that I needed.
00:18:14.413 --> 00:18:15.433
And now we have...
00:18:15.463 --> 00:18:17.733
I mean, we have, we got three little ones.
00:18:18.493 --> 00:18:21.763
Caleb, these days Caleb is bringing so much joy.
00:18:21.784 --> 00:18:25.844
I think the first few months when he was home, we were sick all the time.
00:18:26.364 --> 00:18:56.384
He would, um- Yeah he had a feeding tube going into his nose, and any time it got pulled out we had to go to the ER to get it fixed which then exposed him to other sicknesses, and it was just this very, um- Yeah or, like, when he, he went in for a surgery and then ended up staying, like, a month longer than we were expecting right at a time where he was really starting to grow and, like, develop in these really cool ways.
00:18:56.713 --> 00:19:02.074
I, and I wasn't able to be there for a lot of it'cause I was, Todd was working- Yeah and I was watching our kids.
00:19:02.564 --> 00:19:11.023
That was probably- Yeah one of the hardest times, was to just continually give him, entrust him to the Lord.
00:19:11.503 --> 00:19:17.463
I knew he was in good hands at the hospital, but just to be missing those moments in his life.
00:19:17.604 --> 00:19:28.304
But I mean, even then- Yeah like, in a way that's made him now just so precious to us, all four of us, our two kids and Todd and I.
00:19:28.314 --> 00:19:48.634
We just adore him, and every new thing that he does, it's like, even if it's, like, a terrible thing, like he's taking everything out of the cabinets, it's like,"I can't believe you're doing this." So, um, so I think there def- like, it's definitely hard but I don't know.
00:19:48.693 --> 00:19:49.564
It's been...
00:19:50.973 --> 00:19:58.223
I think God's giving us grace to f- to focus on the joy in it and the gift of it as well.
00:19:59.290 --> 00:19:59.830
Right.
00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:09.800
Yeah, and so, I mean, that is really a miracle that i- it's 2 Corinthians 12:9,"My grace is sufficient for you." He's equipping you- Yeah to take care of whatever his needs are on the day to day.
00:20:09.800 --> 00:20:21.191
I mean, I'm guessing, like, compared to your other children, are you juggling a lot more w- you know, work, you know, vis-a-vis Caleb in terms of helping him and feeding and stuff like that?
00:20:21.191 --> 00:20:23.000
Or is it relatively normal now?
00:20:24.540 --> 00:20:32.080
He just recently has made some significant steps of improvement that has made it feel normal.
00:20:32.260 --> 00:20:36.691
He's also probably at the age of, like, an 18-month-old, or developmentally.
00:20:37.131 --> 00:20:39.931
So he's just- Yeah getting into everything.
00:20:39.931 --> 00:20:51.340
We'll find him in the most precarious positions because he's, like, figuring out how to climb from his hi- climbed up my son's high chair onto his high chair and was trying to get onto the table.
00:20:51.340 --> 00:20:59.371
Like, those kind of moments are like,"Ah." So, and then, like- Oh, my gosh training.
00:20:59.441 --> 00:21:07.540
So yeah, I mean, the other kids feel easier, like, as far as care, especially my, our oldest is five now, and he's very competent with things.
00:21:07.911 --> 00:21:13.421
But, uh, definitely initially it was a, a lot, a lot more to take on.
00:21:13.421 --> 00:21:19.651
I think I just haven't, I don't think about that very often because it's just a pa- so much of a part of our life now.
00:21:19.961 --> 00:21:20.391
Yeah.
00:21:20.391 --> 00:21:20.451
Yeah.
00:21:20.451 --> 00:21:21.601
Maybe it's comparison.
00:21:21.671 --> 00:21:22.411
I don't think I'm-
00:21:23.141 --> 00:21:25.711
thinking like,"Oh, I wish it, I wish I was like
00:21:25.711 --> 00:21:28.740
other moms." Like, yeah
00:21:28.790 --> 00:21:29.121
Right
00:21:30.701 --> 00:21:32.840
So that kind of frees you up a lot to not be thinking
00:21:32.840 --> 00:21:33.421
about
00:21:33.421 --> 00:21:33.431
that
00:21:34.652 --> 00:21:36.112
Oh yeah, absolutely.
00:21:36.172 --> 00:21:39.991
And, you know, and, and just to clarify, like I, I hope you weren't insulted.
00:21:39.991 --> 00:21:43.201
I didn't mean to say that- No your son is like a cross you're bearing.
00:21:43.211 --> 00:21:47.231
In other words, I- I think what- That's not what I meant what the question is getting at is like...
00:21:48.192 --> 00:21:55.061
Yeah, I think the question I'm getting at is like when, when, when life turns out unexpected and does involve a measure of suffering.
00:21:55.082 --> 00:21:55.662
You know, I just...
00:21:55.672 --> 00:22:02.541
It show- It's really a testament to your faith that you don't even see the suffering as suffering because you see the Lord's hand in it.
00:22:02.551 --> 00:22:04.442
I mean, we don't wanna mitigate, you know...
00:22:05.342 --> 00:22:06.582
You understand what I'm saying.
00:22:06.592 --> 00:22:15.632
Like, the, i- i- in other words, you're able to elevate the joy above the labels of the cross or the suffering or whatever, and I just think that's a testament to your faith.
00:22:15.632 --> 00:22:19.461
So thank you for being such a wonderful example to the rest of us.
00:22:19.511 --> 00:22:29.561
And I wanna ask, like were there any seasons through any of this where you felt like the Lord was silent, perhaps testing you with just sort of leaving things?
00:22:29.852 --> 00:22:32.511
I mean, He's always near, so I'm not trying to be blasphemous.
00:22:32.521 --> 00:22:37.721
I always ask people, like you've given me some examples of when He's been very near.
00:22:37.741 --> 00:22:41.241
Were there ever any times when you were like,"Lord, where are you?" You know?
00:22:42.261 --> 00:22:42.751
Yeah.
00:22:43.711 --> 00:22:58.718
Um- I think probably the, what I was describing about pumping in the middle of the night, I think those, those moments were probably the most difficult for me because I was alone,
00:22:58.928 --> 00:22:59.327
Yeah
00:22:59.688 --> 00:23:01.917
because- Yeah I was exhausted.
00:23:03.768 --> 00:23:09.407
And it's a u- And I was feeling all, all the emotions because my hormones were going crazy postpartum.
00:23:09.698 --> 00:23:10.038
Oh.
00:23:10.738 --> 00:23:20.258
And in in God's kindness, so, so I think, like, my capacity was very small compared to before he was born.
00:23:20.258 --> 00:23:38.698
I had a lot more mental space to journal and pr- prepare and pray and read scripture and in the middle of the night, I was just barely staying awake, and, um, I would regularly come across Joni and Friends.
00:23:38.738 --> 00:23:39.688
Are you familiar with that?
00:23:40.018 --> 00:23:41.147
Joni Eareckson Tada.
00:23:41.147 --> 00:23:41.157
Oh.
00:23:41.167 --> 00:23:41.508
Joni.
00:23:41.518 --> 00:23:41.857
Yeah,
00:23:41.857 --> 00:23:42.028
yeah.
00:23:42.167 --> 00:23:42.317
It's Joni.
00:23:43.428 --> 00:23:45.087
Yeah, so she has an Instagram.
00:23:45.087 --> 00:23:45.327
Yeah, I know of her.
00:23:45.468 --> 00:23:57.038
And I would just come across her reels- Yeah every once in a while, and that was, like, so helpful because it was just this l- this pinprick of light in the midst of darkness.
00:23:57.038 --> 00:23:57.617
Same for you?
00:24:00.028 --> 00:24:00.307
Yeah.
00:24:00.488 --> 00:24:04.887
And that was really- I just love that help- helpful.
00:24:04.978 --> 00:24:05.837
I think that...
00:24:05.877 --> 00:24:12.518
But those, those would've been the times where I was just like,"Lord, I don't, I'm, I don't know."
00:24:12.538 --> 00:24:12.857
Yeah.
00:24:13.948 --> 00:24:14.238
Yeah.
00:24:15.423 --> 00:24:19.063
I mean, it sounds like you were able to be honest with Him in your lament.
00:24:19.173 --> 00:24:25.252
I mean, it sounds like you didn't even really have lament'cause you had such strong trust, but were you able to be emotionally free with God?
00:24:25.252 --> 00:24:34.123
'Cause I think some people struggle with, well, can I really bring Him my, my heart and my, you know, if you do have any anger or whatever, you know?
00:24:35.669 --> 00:24:37.729
Yes, there was plenty of lament.
00:24:38.419 --> 00:24:51.788
I think in, in s- difficult seasons in the past in my life when, when you asked the, the silence question, I did think of another season of my life where it, I felt profound silence from God.
00:24:52.919 --> 00:25:00.608
And, Wow didn't quite know what to do with that'cause I hadn't really experienced that to that level before.
00:25:01.108 --> 00:25:21.818
Yeah but I knew I had been trained enough through sermons at my church, and teaching, and books that I'd read to know that so long as I am continually going, going back to the Lord, I can come to him with my anger, I can come to him with my questions, I can come to him with my sadness.
00:25:22.278 --> 00:25:32.409
But it must be pointed to him that I, I knew that even just that action was going to produce fruit,'cause it just felt like a very fruitless season.
00:25:32.598 --> 00:25:32.739
Mm.
00:25:33.769 --> 00:25:39.159
And'cause like h- how can this much, how can all of this pain bring anything good out of it?
00:25:39.269 --> 00:25:42.489
And- Yeah I knew, okay, well, I am sowing.
00:25:42.548 --> 00:25:46.769
Like, I'm, because I'm just keep, I keep going back to him, keep going back to him.
00:25:47.298 --> 00:25:54.989
And that s- the, that lamenting kind of formed that habit into me.
00:25:55.328 --> 00:25:56.838
So I would often-
00:25:56.878 --> 00:25:57.199
Mm
00:25:57.429 --> 00:25:59.078
just cry out to the Lord.
00:25:59.078 --> 00:26:07.318
I love the Psalm says,"Pour out your heart to him, God is a refuge for us," because it's so true- Mm and it's so good.
00:26:07.318 --> 00:26:08.298
It's a relationship.
00:26:08.409 --> 00:26:10.398
Like, we have a relationship with God.
00:26:10.709 --> 00:26:17.048
I have a relationship with my savior, and oh, my goodness, like, it has deepened.
00:26:17.058 --> 00:26:31.308
It, it's been a very odd experience to have been in through such an emptying, like emptying till I have absolutely nothing left because of just the exhaustion- Yep and the intensity.
00:26:31.378 --> 00:26:34.439
Mentally, I've never held this much in my head before.
00:26:34.888 --> 00:26:47.568
Um, to be, have been so emptied and have barely spent time, like with the Lord, it would just be like these passings like,"Lord, please help me." Yeah.
00:26:47.638 --> 00:26:58.509
And, and yet to have like, an even deeper relationship with him because my trust in him has strengthened so much.
00:26:58.578 --> 00:27:01.798
So it's kinda, I feel like it's kind of like going through war.
00:27:01.808 --> 00:27:08.378
Like Todd and I, our marriage has strengthened so much through this because we've been through war together.
00:27:08.409 --> 00:27:10.048
Like, we're, we're comrades now.
00:27:10.378 --> 00:27:10.419
Yeah.
00:27:10.429 --> 00:27:13.838
Um, where before our problem was always fighting each other.
00:27:14.363 --> 00:27:15.823
But now are fighting this problem.
00:27:16.702 --> 00:27:20.232
And it produced such a, a a camaraderie.
00:27:20.262 --> 00:27:22.952
And I felt similar with the Lord, where it's like you didn't...
00:27:23.432 --> 00:27:36.603
For the rest of my life, I will hold in my heart the fact that you had mercy on my son and- Mm let him survive, and sustained him through all of that, and ha- and now he's thriving.
00:27:36.952 --> 00:27:38.833
Like, that's something I cannot deny.
00:27:38.873 --> 00:27:46.682
No matter what twists and turns my life will take from this point, I know that He has been faithful to us- Yeah and He has been kind to us.
00:27:46.692 --> 00:27:47.702
'Cause He can be faithful.
00:27:47.792 --> 00:27:56.742
He could've let, decided to let Caleb die, and He would've been just as faithful, just as good, and He would've carried us through that.
00:27:58.780 --> 00:27:59.750
But he didn't?
00:28:00.661 --> 00:28:02.000
It's like why?
00:28:02.580 --> 00:28:04.590
Because that is who he is.
00:28:04.590 --> 00:28:07.611
He does what he wills and we can't question it.
00:28:07.621 --> 00:28:08.040
Yeah.
00:28:09.217 --> 00:28:09.507
Yeah.
00:28:09.507 --> 00:28:10.116
Oh my gosh.
00:28:10.156 --> 00:28:13.336
I mean, I'm on board with this, with your theology, absolutely.
00:28:13.336 --> 00:28:17.446
And the reason I say that is, like, I feel like recently I've been inundated online with just...
00:28:18.067 --> 00:28:22.936
And I'd, again, I have to be very careful with my words because I don't want to, how do I put this?
00:28:22.977 --> 00:28:25.376
I don't want to be mean to other brothers and sisters in Christ.
00:28:25.386 --> 00:28:25.406
Yeah.
00:28:25.416 --> 00:28:38.846
I don't know who is a real believer or not, but I feel like the theology is out there everywhere where it's like,"If God loves you, He will heal." Or in other words, He- He- if you have enough faith, He will heal you, just the wrong prosperity gospel theologies.
00:28:39.696 --> 00:28:39.707
Mm.
00:28:39.707 --> 00:28:39.757
Deadly.
00:28:39.757 --> 00:28:39.926
And so I just so appreciate having this conversation.
00:28:39.926 --> 00:28:45.086
And all my guests, you know, I, I'm very careful with who I, I interview because I don't want...
00:28:45.116 --> 00:28:48.707
I do think those false theologies lead to a lot of pain.
00:28:48.717 --> 00:28:52.576
But I agree with you completely on what you're saying, just God's sovereignty.
00:28:52.576 --> 00:28:57.936
And, and, and so to that point, I'm wondering, like, did you ever ask God the why my baby?
00:28:57.967 --> 00:29:01.366
'Cause, you know, I've asked the Lord the why question, and sometimes He does answer.
00:29:01.366 --> 00:29:08.727
And I'm just curious if He's given you any insight about the purpose for his life or anything specific, you know, like in the dark.
00:29:08.946 --> 00:29:11.366
'Cause God really does speak beautiful things in the dark.
00:29:12.116 --> 00:29:12.676
Mm-hmm.
00:29:13.277 --> 00:29:15.336
There have been different moments.
00:29:15.707 --> 00:29:25.727
Um, we named him Caleb because I love the, the man Caleb in the Bible when the Israelites finally get to the Promised Land.
00:29:25.936 --> 00:29:26.247
Yeah.
00:29:26.267 --> 00:29:29.457
And they send in the spies to scope it out.
00:29:29.676 --> 00:29:30.737
They all come back.
00:29:30.817 --> 00:29:45.207
Most of them are saying-"There are these giants, and it's so s- we're never gonna get-" conquer the land." And Caleb and Joshua quiet the people and assure them that it's a wonderful land.
00:29:45.227 --> 00:29:50.396
God has promised that we're that He will bring us to it and will help us defeat these enemies.
00:29:50.396 --> 00:29:52.737
And, um, hi- just His steadfastness.
00:29:53.576 --> 00:29:53.586
Mm.
00:29:53.817 --> 00:30:01.017
And that was, as I was praying for him when I was pregnant with him, that was the thing that kept coming to mind, was just steady steadfastness.
00:30:01.586 --> 00:30:01.876
And
00:30:01.876 --> 00:30:05.987
so- Wow we named him Caleb because it means wholehearted and faithful.
00:30:07.247 --> 00:30:09.436
And oh, that's, what was your question?
00:30:12.247 --> 00:30:14.856
Oh, just did you ask God the why question?
00:30:14.866 --> 00:30:14.916
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:30:14.916 --> 00:30:16.846
Like, why did you allow this?
00:30:16.856 --> 00:30:20.926
What is your purpose for his disability or whatever, the temporary disability?
00:30:22.414 --> 00:30:45.585
So, so because that was kind of on my heart that gave me a kind of guiding focus for him, where, well, obviously, hopefully Lord, would you use these disabilities that he has to make him steady in you, to make him steadfast, to be someone that people look to for his faith and his leadership.
00:30:46.025 --> 00:30:51.075
And that, that helped a lot in anticipating his birth.
00:30:51.214 --> 00:30:56.025
And then afterwards, I do remember, I was trying to mem- recall the specific instance.
00:30:56.615 --> 00:30:58.424
But I still have the feeling, so I know it happened.
00:30:59.194 --> 00:31:15.553
There was a, there were some moments when he came home and I was just m- it was just like,"I'm sorry, buddy." Like,"I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this." Like, the pain, the discomfort.
00:31:15.563 --> 00:31:16.093
He had...
00:31:16.133 --> 00:31:22.893
Oh, probably the worst was he had, he kept, his feeding tube kept getting pulled out of his nose, and so they put a bridle on.
00:31:23.472 --> 00:31:24.833
They basically weave...
00:31:24.863 --> 00:31:25.452
It's awful.
00:31:25.462 --> 00:31:25.472
Oh.
00:31:25.563 --> 00:31:33.363
They weave a, a tube up through your, behind your septum- Oh come back down to, and then fasten it so that- Mm-hmm he can't pull the tube out.
00:31:34.002 --> 00:31:40.512
And that just looked so insanely uncomfortable, and then he had a cold, and it was just- Yeah like awful.
00:31:41.153 --> 00:31:52.692
So those kind of things- Oh I was like,"Man, you could just be like caring about rolling balls around and laughing with your siblings." He does laugh with the siblings a lot.
00:31:52.792 --> 00:31:57.883
But those initial months- Yeah were, they were hard thinking about that.
00:31:58.923 --> 00:31:59.442
Wow.
00:31:59.502 --> 00:32:11.762
I mean, yeah, that is so As a mother, I cannot e- I mean, I have a niece, and I cannot even imagine, like, the kind of strength that God must have given you to just endure that and watching that.
00:32:11.772 --> 00:32:17.813
I mean, I can't And it kind of, right now I just had, like, this flash to God watching Jesus on the cross.
00:32:18.423 --> 00:32:30.742
I mean, anyway, it's- Mm it's, it just blows my mind that, I mean, He obviously carried you through, and He's continuing to give you strength, and I really just admire your tenacity in trusting God even through watching your child suffer.
00:32:30.742 --> 00:32:35.212
Like, it really is kind of a, a, a very unique cro- Well, we're not calling it a cross.
00:32:35.482 --> 00:32:36.432
A unique calling.
00:32:36.692 --> 00:32:36.742
No,
00:32:36.913 --> 00:32:37.153
it's not.
00:32:37.623 --> 00:32:38.022
Yeah.
00:32:38.512 --> 00:32:48.232
I mean, you know, I do wanna say, like, on the why question, so it sounds like, okay, maybe the I, I don't know, did you, I don't know if you answered that about the Lord, you know, did He give you the why.
00:32:48.462 --> 00:32:48.742
Hm
00:32:49.123 --> 00:32:49.772
it sounds like-
00:32:49.772 --> 00:32:50.492
It's all
00:32:50.492 --> 00:32:50.853
for
00:32:50.853 --> 00:32:52.653
itself and glory, but maybe
00:32:52.653 --> 00:32:57.012
not, but yeah, that's always the, yeah, that's always the backstop.
00:32:57.042 --> 00:33:07.942
And it reminds me of John 9:3, I think, where, you know, the disciples ask Jesus, like,"Was this man born blind because of his sin or his parents' sin?" But the Lord said,"No, it was for my glory." And, and I love- Yeah that verse.
00:33:07.952 --> 00:33:09.153
It's such a beautiful one.
00:33:09.212 --> 00:33:17.502
I think that God, John Piper talks about how in any one moment, God is doing 10,000 things.
00:33:18.363 --> 00:33:19.462
And I think-
00:33:19.472 --> 00:33:19.873
Yeah
00:33:21.353 --> 00:33:28.153
that's probably why I haven't asked why so much because I, the, it's like He's not, there's not, like, one reason.
00:33:28.623 --> 00:33:34.792
I think if we reduce our suffering to, oh, it was for this purpose, sometimes that's not enough.
00:33:35.252 --> 00:33:40.292
Like that's not, not a good reason enough to, to justify all the pain.
00:33:40.553 --> 00:33:42.002
But God, but it's not one.
00:33:42.042 --> 00:33:43.833
It's, it's 10,000.
00:33:44.123 --> 00:33:54.682
Like, God is doing- Yeah so much more than we can fathom, let alone just if, even if He, if He told it to us everything that He was doing, I don't think we could take it all in.
00:33:55.163 --> 00:34:03.313
So that's where He's, He's revealed little bits here and there, like, oh, that- Yeah you can shine as a light in Boston Children's Hospital.
00:34:03.682 --> 00:34:11.072
Oh, that you can write these songs, this album to comfort other parents in the midst of their struggles.
00:34:11.652 --> 00:34:18.913
Oh, that you can strengthen and, the church that you moved to be a part of, and that they would have the opportunity to serve you.
00:34:19.253 --> 00:34:30.273
Oh, so you can have this experience logged away so that whenever you encounter someone in similar circumstances, you are able to, to relate to them and sympathize with them.
00:34:30.333 --> 00:34:33.072
So that's, it's just, like, always overflowing.
00:34:33.072 --> 00:34:40.432
And I know that- Mm Caleb's life is also going to be that, just a constant unfolding of God's good purposes for his life.
00:34:40.753 --> 00:34:47.864
If you've ever felt like life's challenges are burning a little too hot and asking the Lord why, I wrote something just for you.
00:34:47.934 --> 00:34:57.244
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00:34:57.393 --> 00:35:04.083
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00:35:04.114 --> 00:35:15.353
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00:35:15.384 --> 00:35:21.514
It's filled with honest theological wrestling, tons of comedy, and many biblical reasons why God allows suffering.
00:35:21.523 --> 00:35:23.693
Some will definitely surprise you.
00:35:23.733 --> 00:35:32.634
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00:35:32.653 --> 00:35:39.684
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00:35:39.793 --> 00:35:44.094
Some tragedies don't tie up in a redemptive bow on this side of heaven.
00:35:44.184 --> 00:35:47.833
But in Christ, redemption is always awaiting us in eternity.
00:35:47.893 --> 00:35:50.864
So let's keep singing through the fire together
00:35:51.047 --> 00:35:52.237
that's so beautiful.
00:35:52.306 --> 00:35:53.797
I mean, I love that so much.
00:35:53.797 --> 00:35:55.226
The And I love John Piper.
00:35:55.237 --> 00:35:58.277
It's like his ministry has encouraged me so much on this bed.
00:35:58.286 --> 00:35:58.856
Mm-hmm.
00:35:58.927 --> 00:36:04.257
And, uh, you know, anyway, I Yeah, I just love everything you just said.
00:36:04.257 --> 00:36:13.666
And, and, and, and that actually segues well into my next question of, like, how Romans 8:28 promises that God works all things together, you know, for the good of those who love Him.
00:36:13.666 --> 00:36:26.367
And when you look at your, you know, Caleb story now, I'm wondering, you know, what kind of good have you seen God already bring out out of something that, you know, you probably wouldn't have chosen yourself?
00:36:26.996 --> 00:36:30.056
And maybe this ties into your album if you'd like to share or Yeah
00:36:31.815 --> 00:36:32.385
Yeah.
00:36:32.505 --> 00:36:45.255
Um, yeah, I mean, I, uh, I could, I could go on and on and on about how God has used Caleb's life so far and this experience for us, um, to strengthen our family.
00:36:45.255 --> 00:36:51.715
I, I'm so full of faith that our other two kids are being shaped by this as well.
00:36:52.255 --> 00:36:52.945
Um-
00:36:53.695 --> 00:36:54.264
Oh, yeah
00:36:54.264 --> 00:37:01.255
pulling into them hearts of mercy, and they're not intimidated when they come across kids with other disabilities.
00:37:01.735 --> 00:37:01.965
Yeah
00:37:01.965 --> 00:37:04.704
so those would be some profound ones.
00:37:04.735 --> 00:37:08.164
Being able to be a light at the hospital.
00:37:08.195 --> 00:37:19.474
Boston's a very spiritually dark place, and we have just been able to have so many- Wow cool conversations with nurses and doctors and develop friendships with these amazing people.
00:37:19.994 --> 00:37:31.425
And testify again and again and again of how wonderful it is to be a child of God and to be a Christian and to be able to trust Him.
00:37:31.434 --> 00:37:44.844
Something really encouraging recently as I said, I had very little capacity while we were caring for Caleb to do much processing, but I, I am a, I write poetry a lot.
00:37:44.954 --> 00:37:47.534
And I am a songwriter.
00:37:47.934 --> 00:37:57.974
And so throughout c- our journey with Caleb kind of in order to process through particularly difficult moments I would just...
00:37:58.014 --> 00:38:00.355
The poetry always kind of flows out in those moments.
00:38:00.945 --> 00:38:02.184
I start thinking in verse.
00:38:03.405 --> 00:38:19.474
And, um, so I would just, I took out my phone and would just write and try and get me from this painful experience to,"I trust you, Lord, and I surrender this to you," kind of to remind...
00:38:19.474 --> 00:38:20.804
I, I guess it's like the Psalms.
00:38:20.824 --> 00:38:24.875
Can you, can you talk a little bit about how you turned the poetry to music?
00:38:26.525 --> 00:38:27.005
Yeah.
00:38:27.045 --> 00:38:29.215
Some of them were songs already.
00:38:29.324 --> 00:38:30.925
I wrote just two of them actually.
00:38:31.295 --> 00:38:35.545
I wrote a song while Caleb was in his open heart surgery.
00:38:36.195 --> 00:38:59.695
He was two weeks old, and we were waiting to get the first call to tell us how it was going, and I wanted to pause and just write something, produce something to attest to in this moment, before we know what happens, before we know anything, what do I know about God that I can sing about?
00:39:00.215 --> 00:39:03.655
And so there's a, it's called A Song to Sing.
00:39:03.684 --> 00:39:06.574
I've got a song to sing when the storms are surging.
00:39:06.864 --> 00:39:09.054
I've got a prayer to pray when my heart is hurting.
00:39:09.894 --> 00:39:13.264
The mercy of the Lord is deeper than the sea, and He's watching over me.
00:39:14.458 --> 00:39:17.378
I've got a hope to hold when my hand, my arms are empty.
00:39:18.148 --> 00:39:19.619
Um, that keeps going.
00:39:19.739 --> 00:39:26.309
But so that was one, and then I also wrote a, a lullaby for Caleb to sing to him at night.
00:39:26.559 --> 00:39:27.798
But the other ones- Aw.
00:39:27.958 --> 00:39:34.778
I was not expecting to make anything of this.
00:39:34.818 --> 00:39:35.778
I, I had just...
00:39:35.818 --> 00:39:48.336
They were all on a Google Doc, and that's where it was I, um, showed my-- I shared this document with my sister-in-law who they had a son who had leukemia.
00:39:49.217 --> 00:39:58.347
So she kind of went through all- Oh all the hospital stays and, um, wondering about his life and entrusting it to the Lord.
00:39:58.356 --> 00:40:19.056
And she started reading it, and I remember she just looked up at me with tears in her eyes and she said,"Brittany, this is a gift that you need to share with others." Um, because I think- Mm there's-- I think God's given me a gift with connecting raw, relatable emotion with biblical truth.
00:40:19.697 --> 00:40:28.367
I think sometimes we can- Yeah be really great about expressing the emotion, but we're left there, and that's not what we need.
00:40:29.516 --> 00:40:30.717
At least that's not what I need.
00:40:30.726 --> 00:40:33.347
I need to be directed somewhere.
00:40:33.677 --> 00:40:38.827
And to know that, okay, this, the, the, everything that I know about God is still true in this moment.
00:40:39.367 --> 00:40:45.327
Just because I feel this, this feeling fits into my theology.
00:40:45.456 --> 00:40:46.456
They're not separate.
00:40:47.387 --> 00:41:02.527
And so, so I kind of tucked that away and I, um, I was on a trip at the time, so I, I, on the flight home, I just was like,"Well, let me just, like, see if I can make these into, like, song format," like lyrics, verses, all that.
00:41:02.597 --> 00:41:07.686
So, so- That's so neat by the end of the flight, I had, like, 11 songs.
00:41:08.626 --> 00:41:10.586
So God was doing something.
00:41:11.516 --> 00:41:18.246
Um, a few days, a few, a couple weeks later- Wow I went to the hospital with Caleb.
00:41:18.277 --> 00:41:27.097
Came home, the drive home, I was like,"Well, let me just kind of like sing melodies to some of these and see if I can come up with something," and I had like six melodies
00:41:27.416 --> 00:41:28.106
for songs,
00:41:28.266 --> 00:41:30.456
I think four or five of which are on the album.
00:41:30.887 --> 00:41:35.746
With, like, the, like, instrumental, like, lines and stuff, which is not normal.
00:41:35.746 --> 00:41:38.117
That's not normally how I go about this.
00:41:39.157 --> 00:41:44.617
So from there, kind of this past year, it was just, God just kept opening doors.
00:41:44.746 --> 00:41:55.086
Um, so it would be, oh, the k- my two older kids are all of a sudden playing really well with each other all the time, where before I'd have to be breaking up fights all the time.
00:41:55.777 --> 00:41:57.347
And so I had all this time.
00:41:57.556 --> 00:42:02.586
So I started, like, working on the songs, and I sent them to my dad, he's a songwriter as well.
00:42:02.827 --> 00:42:04.387
My sister, she's a songwriter.
00:42:04.396 --> 00:42:05.516
Friend who's a songwriter.
00:42:05.567 --> 00:42:09.746
And they were giving me feedback and pointing me in the right direction.
00:42:09.746 --> 00:42:19.335
And by the end of this past, I guess like in maybe January, February, I was like,"Okay, well-" I have an album.
00:42:21.775 --> 00:42:22.824
It happened very suddenly.
00:42:22.835 --> 00:42:22.855
Wow.
00:42:22.905 --> 00:42:27.644
But the, the initial, like, 10 songs, they came about within a few weeks.
00:42:27.835 --> 00:42:29.474
It was kind of astonishing.
00:42:29.485 --> 00:42:31.945
Oh, I cannot believe, like Wow.
00:42:31.994 --> 00:42:47.755
And this is I'm just, like, processing, like, how God g- I mean, you are obviously exceedingly talented, and God is using your talents to turn it to praise to Him, and thus redeeming all the suffering through music.
00:42:47.775 --> 00:42:49.485
I mean, this is the singing through fire.
00:42:49.485 --> 00:42:51.065
This is the point of the podcast.
00:42:51.114 --> 00:42:51.215
Ah.
00:42:51.295 --> 00:42:55.094
Tell us a little bit about So were you a singer-songwriter before all this?
00:42:55.094 --> 00:42:57.514
I come from a very musical family.
00:42:57.614 --> 00:43:00.074
My dad is Bob Kauflin.
00:43:00.085 --> 00:43:06.295
He's a director of Sovereign Grace Music, so it's a worship ministry.
00:43:06.295 --> 00:43:08.644
So I've been around the worship music world my whole life.
00:43:08.695 --> 00:43:10.025
I worked for him for eight years.
00:43:10.534 --> 00:43:14.594
And I mean, when I was a kid, I wanted to write worship songs.
00:43:14.594 --> 00:43:15.835
I thought that would be really cool.
00:43:15.835 --> 00:43:20.295
But it was mainly just because I, I wanted to be recognized for having written a worship song.
00:43:20.295 --> 00:43:25.775
So God- in His mercy did not give me any songs at that point.
00:43:25.914 --> 00:43:26.195
Um.
00:43:27.005 --> 00:43:27.864
We're all like that.
00:43:27.864 --> 00:43:28.094
And it wasn't un-
00:43:28.974 --> 00:43:29.385
Yeah.
00:43:30.554 --> 00:43:42.295
It wasn't until my oldest sister went through a severe trial in her life ended up moving in with me and my parents, and with all of her kids.
00:43:42.644 --> 00:43:47.534
And walking through that with her, it just kind of birthed these songs.
00:43:47.545 --> 00:43:52.454
So I wrote a song for her daughter, who was born in the midst of that.
00:43:52.784 --> 00:43:59.385
And then I wrote a song called Streams in the Desert, um, that's taken after a devotional called Streams in the Desert.
00:43:59.934 --> 00:44:05.217
Just kind of- Uh, about that, like God causes streams in the desert.
00:44:05.306 --> 00:44:09.137
And that, that began...
00:44:09.516 --> 00:44:13.336
So this was back in 2011, 2012.
00:44:13.657 --> 00:44:16.967
That began I just like would occasionally be inspired.
00:44:17.097 --> 00:44:27.257
But it was always related to a moment of suffering, um, or grieving with someone.
00:44:27.367 --> 00:44:31.117
A number of dear friends had lost people they loved.
00:44:31.197 --> 00:44:35.737
I was best friends with a, a woman who was a widow.
00:44:35.746 --> 00:44:40.956
His- her husband had died in a car accident when she was nine months pregnant with her fourth child.
00:44:41.856 --> 00:44:48.186
So while kind of walking through her, with her through grief and seeing up close what that looks like.
00:44:48.217 --> 00:45:03.737
Um, and so through all those I processed a lot of the f- the pain that I was feeling and sharing with others through poetry, through song, and I would post those on Facebook.
00:45:04.356 --> 00:45:07.507
And people seemed to respond to them.
00:45:07.967 --> 00:45:10.507
Um, I thi- I can't remember what year it was.
00:45:10.507 --> 00:45:18.097
I think it was in 2015 I wrote a song called Glory in the Darkest Place, so Chri- it's kind of like a Christmas lament.
00:45:18.597 --> 00:45:22.476
And posted that on Facebook, and God was just...
00:45:22.547 --> 00:45:25.257
It, it was like the right moment at the right time.
00:45:25.356 --> 00:45:27.036
And it, it struck a chord.
00:45:27.197 --> 00:45:35.956
And there were a lot of like churches who had had significant losses right before Christmas and didn't h- didn't know what to sing.
00:45:36.387 --> 00:45:36.396
Hmm.
00:45:36.407 --> 00:45:41.407
And they were able to sing this song because it links that.
00:45:41.407 --> 00:45:41.416
Hmm.
00:45:41.416 --> 00:45:47.536
Like, Jesus came to be with us in our suffering and to see glory in the darkest place.
00:45:48.257 --> 00:45:58.746
And so from there I ended up making an album called Glory in the Darkest Place that had eight, eight of the songs that I had, um, written.
00:45:58.827 --> 00:46:13.827
Specifically wanted to produce it in a way that, like, you could give it to someone who had just lost someone and it wouldn't be this like jarring ex- musical experience'cause God's made- Hmm my voice to be a very not rocking voice.
00:46:13.927 --> 00:46:25.266
And I've found joy in that, in embracing the, the, the quiet voice that He's given me in order to comfort those that are suffering.
00:46:25.956 --> 00:46:28.586
So that's kind of been my heart- Mm-hmm right?
00:46:28.606 --> 00:46:31.317
Seeking to write worship songs along the same vein.
00:46:31.447 --> 00:46:37.686
And so I did have a lot of foundation to build upon for this, where yeah, I think-
00:46:37.706 --> 00:46:38.206
Wow
00:46:39.686 --> 00:46:42.396
There, it was easier to write it than just starting from scratch.
00:46:42.407 --> 00:46:43.657
That is so amazing.
00:46:43.657 --> 00:46:54.556
Like, I love to see how God has brought y- used your talents to bring you through this journey to be ready for now this moment, where now you're speaking into pain from a personal angle as well.
00:46:54.567 --> 00:46:58.277
Like, you're al- you're, I'm sure you're sharing a lot of your heart on this.
00:46:58.577 --> 00:47:01.496
And, and can you tell our audience- Yeah just so they know about...
00:47:01.896 --> 00:47:02.197
Yeah.
00:47:03.967 --> 00:47:04.467
The album.
00:47:04.856 --> 00:47:05.797
Um- The in
00:47:06.027 --> 00:47:06.880
terms of the- It's called
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:12.246
Held Yeah And I have, um, I'm sure you're referring to the Kickstarter.
00:47:13.726 --> 00:47:18.396
Have a Kickstarter- Yeah going right now to try and raise some funds to...
00:47:18.427 --> 00:47:25.677
It, it seems, based upon a number of factors it seems like this is something that God is in.
00:47:25.907 --> 00:47:33.036
And I just feel like I'm just being swept along in His desire for this thing to get out.
00:47:33.456 --> 00:47:37.297
And so, we wanna make it the best that it can be.
00:47:37.447 --> 00:47:39.106
My dad is really involved.
00:47:39.117 --> 00:47:41.956
He, he's produced a lot of albums executive produced.
00:47:42.556 --> 00:47:45.467
And then, um, I...
00:47:45.516 --> 00:47:56.197
But my desire for it is that it would be a, a companion to parents in the hospital at home as they're caring for their children.
00:47:56.206 --> 00:47:56.217
Mm.
00:47:56.836 --> 00:48:07.407
Or even for parents who have, that's well in the past and yet have never really taken time to, like, process through what they had been through.
00:48:07.536 --> 00:48:12.407
Because of the intensity of it, it's easy to just kind of push that all aside and keep going.
00:48:13.186 --> 00:48:17.806
And so I just, I have a real heart to serve mothers especially in that.
00:48:17.907 --> 00:48:21.206
There's a song on the album, there's a, a couple songs.
00:48:21.317 --> 00:48:29.547
One is called Bleeding Heart, and it was a song I wrote while I was pumping trying to navigate...
00:48:29.547 --> 00:48:31.806
Well, sorry, it's based on a poem I wrote while I was pumping.
00:48:32.257 --> 00:48:56.411
To navigate how the balance of, like- There's this ocean of grief that I could just numb myself to, and that would be easier, or I can walk through with the man of sorrows who knows my pain and knows our, our grief.
00:48:56.512 --> 00:48:59.472
And so I...
00:48:59.972 --> 00:49:12.032
That would be an example of, like, a song hopefully that would be able to kind of help someone through the intensity of grief into the fact that, no, it's okay.
00:49:12.271 --> 00:49:21.521
It's okay to descend into the sea because he's going with you, and he's underneath you, and he's carrying you as we look to him.
00:49:21.791 --> 00:49:41.931
Um, and then another song called Dawn is sp- it was written out of a moment of just deep disappointment in, in, um, having to have canceled more things, more plans because of wanting to keep Caleb safe.
00:49:41.981 --> 00:50:01.722
And, kind of wrestling through disappointment in where your life has turned out, and that there's a higher road that we can take, and that is trusting on the promise of our Savior, letting His grace fill our lives and we can find that joy can dawn where sorrow remains.
00:50:02.572 --> 00:50:04.282
So those would be some examples.
00:50:04.391 --> 00:50:06.172
There's a number of songs on it, obviously.
00:50:06.271 --> 00:50:18.561
And the title track, Held, is based on a poem I wrote r- after I held him for the first time when he was two weeks old, and he was attached to so many wires that were keeping him alive.
00:50:18.641 --> 00:50:28.822
And so it just kind of encapsulates that moment of entrusting him to the God who holds, who was holding him closer than I could at that, at that time
00:50:30.132 --> 00:50:30.461
Wow.
00:50:30.501 --> 00:50:35.621
I mean, I just-- I'm getting chills, like, just hearing about the, the topics of the songs, let alone...
00:50:35.621 --> 00:50:38.302
I mean, and so we're gonna link the Kickstarter, everyone.
00:50:38.311 --> 00:50:42.581
If, you know, a- as the Lord leads you, please support this beautiful ministry.
00:50:42.581 --> 00:50:47.411
I mean, I do believe this is going to touch so many lives, Brittany.
00:50:47.422 --> 00:50:54.862
Just God is using your talents to bring comfort to others, and it's so beautiful to watch, and it's an honor to just hear your story today.
00:50:54.871 --> 00:51:03.012
And I want to just end it here of just for a last question, let you, you know, take the mic and sort of answer.
00:51:03.012 --> 00:51:18.402
What would you say to another mother out there right now who maybe has just been told s- you know, something might be physically wrong with her newborn, or she might be sitting somewhere similar to where you've sat the last few years, you know, grieving, terrified, praying for healing?
00:51:19.041 --> 00:51:21.742
What would you, what would you say to that person?
00:51:21.742 --> 00:51:23.041
How would you minister to them?
00:51:23.041 --> 00:51:28.041
Is there a word you wanna give right now to encourage them from-- based on what you've been through?
00:51:30.440 --> 00:51:35.190
I mean, so many things um, that I actually just had this experience.
00:51:35.630 --> 00:51:51.150
Like two weeks ago there was a family in our church who moved away, and she had just had a baby, and they found out that she has s- significant health issues that's kind of gonna affect them from here on out.
00:51:51.250 --> 00:51:56.719
And I messaged her and told her two things.
00:51:56.860 --> 00:52:03.280
One, everything you know about God to be true i- is true.
00:52:04.090 --> 00:52:16.349
Now, um, it might not feel like it, but that is Our, our theology is the defining factor of how we get through suffering.
00:52:16.739 --> 00:52:19.079
And so He is still good.
00:52:19.630 --> 00:52:21.059
He is still wise.
00:52:21.719 --> 00:52:23.320
He is still sovereign.
00:52:24.099 --> 00:52:28.880
He is, um, merciful, and He is gracious.
00:52:28.909 --> 00:52:42.219
This is, you know, you have credibility to say these things because you have walked through the fire, you know, and, and just not knowing what the outcome would be and just trusting the Lord, and I have no doubt you would have surrendered to the Lord even if the outcome were different.
00:52:42.219 --> 00:52:45.139
So thank you so much for joining us today, Brittney.
00:52:45.170 --> 00:52:50.730
I just pray that the Lord would just, You know, right now I'm just gonna pray, Lord, would you please bless her, this album?
00:52:51.039 --> 00:52:55.860
Would you please make this be a testimony of singing through the fire to, to millions, Lord?
00:52:55.860 --> 00:53:04.510
Would you just bless it and just put your hand over it and comfort Brittney and her husband and, and Caleb and their, their other two children as they walk through this new season?
00:53:04.869 --> 00:53:05.760
We praise you, Lord.
00:53:05.760 --> 00:53:06.679
Thank you so much.
00:53:06.980 --> 00:53:14.800
Thank you, Brittney, and, to everyone else who's listening, please take an example from Brittney's, faith and courage today and keep singing through your fires.
00:53:14.829 --> 00:53:15.500
God bless.
00:53:16.039 --> 00:53:20.539
Be sure to hit subscribe because I upload content every week to help other sufferers.
00:53:21.099 --> 00:53:22.509
To God be the glory.
