What to Say When Your Child Won't Listen: Say Less, Lead More

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All right, parents, say less, lead more. Your child does not need a louder parent.
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They need a steadier one.
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Before I jump into today's episode, I'm gonna tell you why no problem parenting exists.
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I didn't create this because every parent needs a coach. Not every parent needs weekly sessions.
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Not every parent needs someone sitting across from them telling them what they're doing wrong.
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But almost every parent has moments where you think, what do I say right now?
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How do I respond to this? Or do I respond?
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Maybe I should just walk away. Do I hold the boundary? Or do I just let this
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one go? Am I overreacting?
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Why did that behavior hit me so hard? Or maybe you're asking,
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how do I not lose it right now?
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And in those moments, you don't need a three-hour parenting class.
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You just need some perspective. You might need a reset.
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Or maybe you need someone that's going to help you see the behavior differently
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so that you don't get pulled into it.
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Maybe you need to pick a brain, a reminder to pause, or a different way to think
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about the moment before you react to it.
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That's why I created No Problem Parenting. Because many parents don't need more
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parenting advice. You need a better way to see what's happening in the moment.
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And when that shift happens, everything at home starts feeling different.
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I'm going to tell you, the more you explain or lecture or defend or repeat yourself,
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the worse your kiddo seems to listen.
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And that's because most behavior problems are not solved with the words that you say.
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They're solved through your leadership. Have you ever walked away from a conversation
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with your child and you thought like, Oh my gosh, why did I keep talking?
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Why did I explain so much? Or why did I end up yelling?
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Why did that situation completely spiral? You started out by trying to help.
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You were trying to teach, trying to explain.
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Somehow it turned into a lecture or an argument or a power struggle.
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Or it ended up in complete emotional chaos. Most parents don't realize that
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you're accidentally talking yourself right into the chaos.
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Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast, where you learn how to lead
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your home with more confidence, clarity, and steadiness, even when behavior
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feels exhausting or emotionally overwhelming.
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Last week, we talked about how many of us parents accidentally feed behavior
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by emotionally joining in.
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Today, I want to take that one step further because sometimes it's not just
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what you say that escalates things,
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it's how much you say or how emotional you are when you say it or how fast you
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say it or how badly you need your child to agree with you in that moment.
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And most kids stop listening after the first sentence anyway,
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especially when emotions are high.
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And that's one of the biggest mindset shifts parents make inside No Problem Parenting.
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You stop trying to overpower the moment with words And you start leading the
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moment with action and with steadiness.
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Kids don't need a 20-minute explanation every time there's a limit.
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But they do need leadership. They don't need your harshness.
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They don't need your fear, your intimidation. Just steady leadership, clear, predictable.
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And this gets hard when your kiddo pushes back emotionally because your brain
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wants to defend your position.
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You want your child to understand why you are right. So you keep talking,
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and you explain more, and you repeat yourself, and you add more reasons,
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or you defend your decision, or you bring up past patterns, and you try harder
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and harder to convince them.
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Meanwhile, your child stopped listening 10 minutes ago, and now both of you
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are emotionally flooded.
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Here's something really important. Your child, when they are emotionally activated,
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they're usually not in the thinking part of their brain.
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You've seen it when your kiddo is melting down, wet noodling on the floor,
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raging, screaming, slamming doors, spiraling emotionally, or just completely overwhelmed.
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Logic usually doesn't work very well.
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The same thing happens to you, the adult, too. So that's why the pause matters so much.
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Because when you pause, you stay in the leadership role.
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When you react immediately, your emotions start leading the conversation instead.
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Emotional reacting sounds like, why are you acting like this again?
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We've talked about this a hundred times. You're being ridiculous.
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Settle down. Calm down. You always do this. I'm so sick of this behavior.
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But leadership sounds like, hey, buddy, I hear you. This is disappointing.
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And the answer is still no. It might sound like, you know what,
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we're going to talk when our voices are respectful. I just am not in the mood to debate right now.
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And you don't have to like this. I'll listen when your tone changes or we're
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going to try again later.
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It's short. It's clear. It's matter of fact. Now, at first, this is going to
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feel uncomfortable for many of you, because when you stop over explaining,
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you kind of suddenly feel like you're too quiet.
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Maybe you feel like you're ignoring your kid. Maybe you feel like you're too firm or too direct.
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But really, you're simply no longer emotionally chasing the reaction. And that's different.
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Many of us are so used to managing everybody else's emotions that silence feels uncomfortable.
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But silence can be leadership.
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Pausing can be leadership. Walking away from an argument can be leadership.
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Saying things like, you know what, I'm not sure what to do about this right now.
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I'm gonna need a minute. That is leadership too. You don't need to attend every
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argument your child invites you to.
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And that right there changes homes almost instantly because parents unknowingly,
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we often believe that if I stop talking, I'm giving up.
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No, it's not true. You are stopping the emotional tug of war.
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Trying to win emotional battles usually creates more resistance.
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Because resistance is often a coping skill. Kids resist when they feel controlled.
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And we do too as adults. We resist when we feel controlled.
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And that's why lectures backfire so often. The longer you talk,
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the more defensive your child becomes.
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And the more defensive your child becomes, the more you talk.
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And now everybody is stuck in this loop.
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And this is why say less, lead more
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matters so much. You're not trying to overpower your child with words.
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You're creating emotional safety through steadiness. And steadiness does not
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require constant talking.
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One of the biggest changes you can make is learning how to stop reacting to
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every emotional hook your child throws into the room.
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You know those hooks when your kid says things like, you're mean,
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I hate you, you never let me do anything.
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All my friends get to, my parents' friends let them go there or do this or do
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that. You just don't understand. I hate this house.
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You're the worst. Or maybe they just say, I don't care, and they rush off to
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their room. Most of the statements that kids make, those are emotional reactions.
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And often we take them personally, and then we emotionally grab that hook.
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And now suddenly the conversation becomes about respect and gratitude and everything
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you sacrificed and how good the child has it or why you deserve their appreciation.
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And then everybody is just emotionally exhausted. And we're off topic.
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We're not even thinking about the thing that went wrong. Instead,
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when you can stay matter-of-fact, your child will say things like,
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you're so unfair, and you're going to say, I bet it feels like that right now.
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Your child might say, I hate this rule. And you say, I know.
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Your child might say, you never trust me. And you can say, well,
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buddy, we're going to keep building trust.
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Maybe they'll say, this is stupid. Well, that's one opinion.
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Can you see how that feels different?
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You're not feeding the emotional fire. You're not escalating or defending or
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emotionally overpowering the child. You're not being sarcastic.
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You're not trying to prove a point. You're leading.
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Leadership is not getting louder than your child. It's staying steady when your
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child gets loud. And over time, the home starts to feel different,
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not because your kid's suddenly going to stop being emotional.
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No, we can totally predict that's going to happen. But because the emotional
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chaos stops spreading from one person to everybody else. We're just not joining in.
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And that's when you finally get to exhale.
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The house feels lighter. It's less tense.
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It's less explosive. It's less
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exhausting and your kiddo starts to learn something extremely powerful.
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Big feelings do not control everybody else. You guys, this is so important because
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one day your kiddo is going to have a difficult boss, a stressful marriage,
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a frustrating co-worker, maybe a breakup, financial stress,
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disappointment or criticism.
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They're going to go through failure and rejection.
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Heck, they're going through it right now as they grow up. And in those moments,
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your kid does not need a parent standing next to them explaining life for 20 minutes.
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They will need the ability to stay steady in hard moments.
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And that skill starts in your home, not through perfection, not through punishment,
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not through lectures, but through repetition,
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through watching you pause, watching how you respond, watching you regulate
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yourself, watching you stop feeding the emotional fires and watching you lead
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without losing your cool or losing yourself.
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That's the real work. So before we wrap up, I want to leave you with this.
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If you've listened today and you thought, yes, that's exactly what happens in
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my house, then I want you to know this.
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You don't need to figure this all out alone.
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Maybe you don't need a personal one-on-one parenting coach sitting in your living
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room every week either. Sometimes what you need is simpler than that.
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Sometimes you just need a place to go when you're stuck.
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Maybe you just need a different perspective when behavior feels personal.
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Maybe you need somebody validating and acknowledging the work that you're already
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doing and giving you that little boost.
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A reminder to pause before reacting.
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Words to borrow when your brain goes blank. Support when you're questioning yourself.
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Or a place to come back to when you're trying to stay steady and your kiddo is doing anything but.
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That's why I created the Become a No Problem Parent training.
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Not because you need more parenting advice.
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Sometimes you just need help seeing the moment differently.
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And when you start seeing behavior differently, you stop getting pulled into
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the behavior the same way.
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That's when parenting starts to feel lighter. Less walking on eggshells,
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less overthinking every response, less emotional exhaustion,
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and more clarity, more confidence, more steadiness.
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So if that's what you've been looking for, you can learn more at noproblemparents.com.
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Check out our on-demand training today.
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Hey parents, if this episode shifted how you see your child's behavior or yourself, take the next step.
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You'll find practical tools and support at noproblemparents.com to help you
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lead with clarity and confidence.
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Less reacting, more leadership. That's No Problem Parenting.