48. Non-Violent Communication: Relationship Repair

Steve Torma is the former President of Earthaven Ecovillage, a former core faculty member of the Asheville Tantra School, and the co-founder of The REAL Center. The REAL Center is an organization based in Asheville, NC that is dedicated to inspiring communication, compassion, and intimacy to help others lead satisfied and more meaningful lives. Steve is trained in a variety of fields including Radical Honesty, Permaculture, Non-Violent Communication (NVC), and Restorative Circling. For over 30 years, he has helped others find direction, meaning, and healing in their lives and relationships by mastering the art of communication and compassion.

Steve joins me today to discuss the mourning process of the Non-Violent Communication model. We discuss how to connect with the unmet needs and feelings that occur when our behaviors, actions, and words have been less than perfect. We discuss how to use feelings of regret to learn from our mistakes without encouraging self-blame or shame. We also discuss the importance of self-forgiveness through the mourning process, how to identify when your needs are unmet, and how to address these unmet needs in a safe and healthy way.

"When we can let go of the judgments of ourselves, then our heart can open a little bit more to our partners." - Steve Torma

This week on Relationships! Let's Talk About It:

• What Non-Violent Communication is and how it applies to repairing your relationship after a conflict.
• The mourning process associated with the NVC model.
• Identifying unmet needs during a relationship conflict.
• The importance of being empathetic toward yourself and how it impacts your ability to be empathetic toward your partner.
• How the 'fight or flight mode' impacts your ability to think clearly and feel empathetic during a conflict.
• Why empathy is the first step in rebuilding trust in your relationship after a conflict.
• The impact that blame, shame, and judgment statements have when trying to repair your relationship.
• The difference between blaming yourself for your partner's actions, words, and behaviors versus identifying how you contribute to their reaction.
• Looking beyond your partner's actions, behaviors, and words to identify their unmet needs.
• How to use the mourning process to uncover deep-rooted unmet needs within yourself and how it enables you to be more empathetic toward others.
• How self-compassion can lead to greater compassion in your relationships.
• The 'Post-hersal Concept' of NVC and how it helps you discover healthier ways to deal with conflict.
• Finding new, creative ways to address conflicts with your partner.
• The difference between conflict resolution, conflict transformation, and conflict repair.
• How the NVC model views the concept of forgiveness and it's impact on repairing your relationship.

Resources Mentioned:

• Non-Violent Communication
• Non-Violent Communication II: And How to Overcome Negativity Bias
• Relationship Repair - NVC Style
• NVC Feelings & Needs List

Let's Talk About It!

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Theme music "These Streets" provided by Adi the Monk

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