#187 - What does complaining reveal? (Dissatisfaction: 1 of 4)

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Hello and welcome. My name is Kyle and this is How You Level Up, a podcast that decodes language
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to help you become your best self. Today we ask, what does complaining reveal?
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Marcus Aurelius said that you should not ever be heard complaining at court,
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not even to yourself. This is something bold coming from someone who ruled the Roman Empire.
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Now complaints or complaining, it nags at me and I don't exactly know why.
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So like anything else, I want to think about why with you a little bit more,
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because we did talk about complaining in episode 84, yet it didn't feel like enough.
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I know we all complain. I complain. People complain constantly. Some people say that it
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might feel productive, like we're doing something by identifying what's wrong.
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Jack Canfield, author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, has this line, that complaining helps you
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let off steam, and it doesn't bring you closer to resolution. So if complaining then doesn't solve
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anything, what is it doing? You cannot complain about something unless you have a reference point.
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You can only complain that your girlfriend isn't pretty enough if you're comparing her to someone
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else. You can only complain about your salary if you know what others are making. So this means
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that in order to complain, you need to have a vision of something better, which means that every
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complaint reveals a preference. When you complain about your job, you're articulating, however
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clumsily, the work you'd rather be doing or the amount that you'd rather be making.
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Complaining also builds camaraderie. Oh yeah, I'm going through the same thing. There's validation
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in that. There's belonging. Entire relationships can be built on shared grievances or traumas.
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This is why venting feels good. Yet it doesn't bring you closer to that resolution.
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You bonding over powerlessness creating intimacy through shared surrender Are relationships strong and long when they have a foundation of shared trauma or shared struggle It depends and is outside the scope of our topic today
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even if it's worthwhile to ask. Not all complaining, though, is the same. If you recall
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from episode 84, What Are Complaints? There's complaining to gossip or criticize, where the
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end goal is ego stroking. That type of complaining is unproductive. It's about feeling superior,
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not about solving anything. Then there's complaining as venting, a healthy expression of what might be
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suppressed. This type of complaining can help you get to the feelings about some external event that
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make you feel bad? If you're complaining about something, I've got two questions.
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What would you actually prefer? What are you willing to do to get that?
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Most people can answer the first question easily. We're very articulate about our preferences.
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That's what, in fact, the complaint is. It's an articulation of what you would prefer
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if you had a choice in the matter? The second question is harder to answer.
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The second question again is, what are you willing to do to get that?
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These questions are how you move from complaining as performance to complaining as diagnosis.
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They get you the stuff underneath the complaint, the real annoyance or dissatisfaction that you're
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experiencing. So I've created some rules, mainly because it's annoying to hear people complain
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constantly. And also because I've read meditations by Marcus Aurelius five times over now. And I'm
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constantly told by him, don't complain about something unless you're going to fix it. So this
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is my attempt at acting on that. Fix it or don't. Just don't say someone should really do this,
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or this is how it should be, and then go back to your life.
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Because when you do that, you're not being realistic.
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It's performative. It's awareness without action.
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And I think that makes us miserable.
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I learned this the hard way when I was complaining to an old manager once.
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And he said to me, I hear you, and I want to help you when you complain.
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I think that's part of my job.
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But can we veer away from language like,
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I'm babysitting him, or I have to act like his mother?
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It doesn help you resolve the issue And you know what He was right It didn feel good to complain about that person I literally felt bad in my body after complaining even though I felt fine before
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The complaining itself made me feel worse. When you complain repeatedly without action,
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you're training yourself to see more things to complain about. You're strengthening those
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neural pathways for observing faults in others. And soon enough, much of what you observe in life
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will give you reason to complain. I had a moment recently where I was working with a client and
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noticed something was missing. It was an obvious opportunity, a clear pain point. And my first
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thought was, why hasn't anyone on your team done this yet? Why are they stupid? Then the complaint.
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If I were them, I would totally do that thing.
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Then our relationship surfaced.
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Well, I don't work for them.
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I work with them.
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So I'm not going to do this.
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And then I had another thing that came up, which was, well, maybe no one on their team
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will do this because I'm not on their team.
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And then the reason that this doesn't exist is because nobody on their team has built it yet.
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the reason this what didn't get done is because I didn't build it for them yet
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so let's collect ourselves to consider what I just went through I started with someone should
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do this and it implies a category of other people whose job it is to solve the problem that I
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identified and I ended with I haven't done this for them because it puts the responsibility
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exactly where it belongs, which is on me. I'm responsible for myself and only myself.
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You're not responsible for solving every problem you notice,
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just for the problems that you keep complaining about. And if you want to take up the torch
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and create light in the darkness, then you have the ability to do that.
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If you complain about something once, fine.
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If you complain about the same thing repeatedly,
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if you can clearly articulate what should exist instead of what does exist,
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that's your assignment.
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That's your job.
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Every gap that you see is an invitation.
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Every complaint you make is the universe asking,
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so what are you going to do about it?
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If you reach this question and decide I light the torch here I will create light in the darkness Then you will discover three things One is responsibility
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Not the burdensome kind. It's the liberating kind. If you see it, you can change it. That's powerful.
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Number two is purpose. The things you complain about are breadcrumbs that show you
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what you care about.
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And three is the realization that the world is only going to change
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if you change it.
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Not someone, not they, you, me,
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all of us experiencing this world
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through our consciousness and awareness.
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And I know this is uncomfortable because I'm uncomfortable
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knowing that I can't enact change
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in all of the things that annoy me in the world around me.
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It feels a little bit like a burden.
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That is, if you try to solve the world's problems.
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Don't try to solve the world's problems.
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Solve the problems that you can solve
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instead of doing the easier thing, which is complaining.
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It is safer to critique on the sidelines.
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Chronic complaining feels hollow.
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because some part of you knows that you're capable of doing something.
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So I have a challenge for you.
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For the next week, if you can, notice your complaints.
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Every time you catch yourself complaining, ask,
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what would I prefer?
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What am I willing to do about it?
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If the answer is nothing, I prefer nothing,
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or I'm not willing to do anything about it,
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then stop complaining.
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Accept what is in existence.
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move on or change it. Don't just live in that miserable space of complaining.
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There is something you can do, maybe small, and you found your next move.
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I hope you have a good day, good afternoon, or a good night.
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Thank you for listening to How You Level Up. If you're enjoying the show,
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subscribe and give a five-star rating. There are new episodes each month asking questions
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about timeless communication lessons. Language is a medium for sharing and the knowledge unpacked
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here can be applied to anyone, anywhere, facing any challenge. If there's a question or topic
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you'd like me to dive into next, send a note to any of my connected social media accounts.
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This is all about how you level up.
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Thank you.