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When your child heads off to university, how often is too often to message them?
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On this episode of the Martycast, I'm joined by Mileen Class MBE to talk about that huge change for both children and parents when university life begins.
00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:40.799
Apparently, parents receive an average of 528 text a year from children who've left the uni, but nearly half worried that they are checking in too much.
00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:53.200
Mileen and I talk about saying goodbye, trusting that you've done a good job raising them, and the very modern ways that families stay connected, from text and calls to memes, gifts and TikTok.
00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:56.799
Although some messages remain reassuringly traditional.
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Can I borrow some money and can you do my washing?
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And finally, I ask Mileen whether she's proud of the mum she's become.
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Her answer might just put a smile on your face.
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It's Paul Marsh, and I'm delighted to say that I've been joined by Mileen Class MVE.
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Mileen, how are you?
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Good to talk to you again.
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Very well, lovely to speak to you.
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How are you?
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I'm really, really good.
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Ed.
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Do you know what's really, really funny?
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And I'm sure you've been doing a lot of the same things.
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Obviously, we are at that point of the year now where I've done all of the interviews for primary school for them going back.
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Yeah.
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Done the senior school ones, and now we are talking about the university ones.
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And I do wonder because I think there's a certain amount of control when our kids go back to school and it's the primary school and all of that type of stuff.
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I think once kids go off to university, it's possibly even more scary because you have to let them go.
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Do you know it's so interesting?
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Because I've actually got a child in every single one of those scenarios.
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It didn't really dawn on me until you said it.
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So I've got a son who's at primary school, and uh he has his main worry at the minute is he's been given the the mighty job of uh date monitor.
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So his worry every day is he has to write the date on the board.
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Okay, yes, and he has to and he has to look after the lost and lonely box, which made me laugh as well.
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Yeah, it's like well, we used to have lost and found, but he has to look after the lost and lonely box.
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Okay.
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Uh so yeah, that's primary school.
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Then my middle daughter, she is at high school preparing for her GCSEs, which brings its own drama and pressure.
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And uh and you know, the word the workload's just exorbitant, and then and then I've got my um eldest who is heading back to her second year now of uni.
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And as you rightly said, you say the word control, I mean like the heart is all out of control.
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It's just you you hand the reins over to them and you just wish for the best.
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You just it's a really bittersweet experience because part of you thinks, well, well done, I've done it.
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Pat on the back, and everything I set out to do.
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I walked out of the hospital with her and a little baby carrier, and now I've walked out of her halls without her.
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You know, I've left her there to go and forge ahead.
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And it's an isolating experience at the same time because you're like, I miss you, you know, you're you're you never stop being their mom or carer or or parent, and and and it it's just a lot to contend with.
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You just hope and pray that everything you've instilled in them it's it's you know sunk into there somewhere, and the rest they know they can come to you for it.
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But uh it's just been an interesting one because Costa Coffee they put together a survey and uh they found that 84% of parents have admitted that their own children as they uh head off to uni or to work now at this age, they have taught them new ways to stay in touch because we just didn't have that technological landscape.
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They now communicate through voice notes and messages and um memes, gifts, reels, tick tocks, photos.
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It's it's just a different world, and you don't want to oh be overbearing, do you?
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You don't want to overload them and and and overwhelm them, and at the same time, you don't want them to feel like you just pulled the plug and went, Well, off you go, get on with it.
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And it's just about us trying to also traverse that landscape and and and let them know we're there for them.
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But uh you go, you go and forge your path.
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I I read something somewhere the other day that basically said um when when my child goes off to university, now obviously they could be close to you, but they could be the other end of the country, you have no idea.
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I want one piece of communication from you a day.
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Now, like you say, good luck.
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Well, it it could be an emoji, just a thumbs up, it could be a reel or something funny you've sent me, or whatever it is, just one piece of communication to know that you're okay.
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But I want you to know that if you really do need me, whether that's advice or anything else, I'm here.
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So that's an interesting one because um I would have agreed with that completely beforehand.
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But then there does come a part where you they then feel that they start having to look after you.
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Oh, I've got to send this message to make sure my mum knows I'm happy, whereas actually I might not be happy that day, but then you go off on your day going right, they've pacified you.
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So it's just another thing on the list.
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It's when like parents say, I just want you to be happy, yeah.
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And you then they're like, Well, hang on a minute, I'm not happy, but now they need me to just do that and tick that off the list.
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So it's almost like adding another thing to their over, you know, the over-subscribed list already.
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So what I try to do, and like you know, that might work for some, but we've just found that we communicate in different ways.
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You know, I might, you know, FaceTime Ava, or she'll FaceTime me when she's just getting ready, and I'll just sort of sit and keep the company, she does her makeup, or I'll get a random message at 3 a.m.
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Like, I'm just home from the club now, and I'll be like, wait, now I have endless questions.
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It's 3 a.m.
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Where have you been?
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Who did you go with?
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How did you get home?
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And it just starts, you know, it there is a huge element of trust that you have to put in them, which you know, you just think, well, I hope you you just do it safely, and that you do know if you need me, I'm there.
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And then there's the other part of I hope you use me in the right way, though, and like not just to like let you use like a taxi account or just send food when you've run overrun your budget because you didn't balance it, and then you start sort of then arguing with with yourself.
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And this is what I'm talking about when it comes to the community that it would be so nice to have.
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You've got NCT groups when you've got a baby, you've got school WhatsApp groups when you've got primaries, uh uh school kids and primary school kids, and then suddenly you know you have grown adult children and the village just sort of disappears because they just assume they're adults.
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But that's almost when you know bigger problems because bigger children and challenges you you need that village.
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And so I think the fact that Costa Coffee they've put together a um uh a free event, it's called New Grounds.
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You can find out all about it on their app.
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Um New Grounds, I like it.
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New grounds is good, isn't it?
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Very good.
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Yeah, it appealed to me.
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It's just parents coming together and carers and just you know, being in the same boat going, we don't all know what we're doing, but we're all in the same boat together, navigating it together and getting some tips off the psychologist.
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It's just you know, it's it's just handy to be acknowledged because nobody knows all the answers to it.
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And I've certainly found you know, in the past year when Ava went off to uni and I made that walk back to the car and I made that video that went viral because I basically just cried for 20 years.
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I mean, I'm really proud, but I'm really sad for me.
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Everything that you've done in your life, and that was the one that went viral.
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Yeah, basically that.
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But it was it's that line that you have to if you do your job well, you have to teach your child to live without you, and then you have to figure out how you're gonna live without them because you can't.
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You can't, they're your baby, and it's it's that it's that dichotomy that you're always sort of stuck with, and so it's just nice to just know A, you're not alone, and B, you know, that there are other people trying to figure it out alongside you.
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Well, look, Miley, I could literally talk to you all day about this.
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I I'm the father of a 13-year-old, so I've got a few years to go yet, but I want to ask you one question before you leave us.
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Are you proud of the mum that you've become with your daughter in university?
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Are you proud of like if you look back a few years to when you were thinking about this was going to happen and now you've had a year of it, are you proud of the mum you've become?
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That's a really, really lovely question, actually, because um I like the word become.
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It I like the idea that it's it's transient, that it still keeps on moving, because you can't, when you become a parent, as much as you think I'm not gonna parent like my parents did with me, except I'll maybe cherry pick a few bits that I thought were okay.
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You suddenly find yourself going, oh, actually, okay, okay, I get I get why that happened.
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And it's the word become is such an important word because nothing's fixed.
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You have to keep being um fluid with your child as they are with you, because scenarios come up that we just we don't have the training for this because it never happened to us.
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We how do you navigate a a you know a landscape that that we just weren't presented with?
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For example, you know, the a tech landscape, and yet here it is, and here we are.
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So I think the way that you can only you know traverse that landscape with your child is just to be as fluid and and as open as as possible and remain their parent, not their mate.
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I always say this to Ava and and to all my children, I'm your mum, I'm not your mate.
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Because my mates, I talk to them about finances and and business and and relationships.
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But if I spoke about those things with my kids, they'd be like, Well, hang on, now you're just burdening me with this because they can't help you with that.
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So but as their mum, you know, they can burden me and they can offload on me and they can share the good things with me.
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And who knows what comes down the line later on.
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But at the moment, it's just nice to be able to see them forging ahead and finding their own path and for them just to listen.
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I'm just in the background, I'm just there.
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But yeah, it'd be nice if they did send an emoji, but when they're ready to send it, send it send me the true one, not the pacifier one.
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Uh Marlene, it's always amazing talking to you.
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Thank you so much for talking to me.
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If people want to find out a little bit more about the Costa New Grounds, where can they do that?
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Just head to the uh Costa Coffee app, it's all there.
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And you can get yourself a nice coffee as well while you're at it.
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Oh, yeah, 100%.
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Mileen, thank you so much.
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Enjoy the rest of your day.
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Thank you.
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When your child heads off to university, how often is too often to message them?
00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:30.399
On this episode of the Martycast, I'm joined by Mileen Class MBE to talk about that huge change for both children and parents when university life begins.
00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:40.799
Apparently, parents receive an average of 528 text a year from children who've left the uni, but nearly half worried that they are checking in too much.
00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:53.200
Mileen and I talk about saying goodbye, trusting that you've done a good job raising them, and the very modern ways that families stay connected, from text and calls to memes, gifts and TikTok.
00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:56.799
Although some messages remain reassuringly traditional.
00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.320
Can I borrow some money and can you do my washing?
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And finally, I ask Mileen whether she's proud of the mum she's become.
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Her answer might just put a smile on your face.
00:01:11.280 --> 00:01:16.719
It's Paul Marsh, and I'm delighted to say that I've been joined by Mileen Class MVE.
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Mileen, how are you?
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Good to talk to you again.
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Very well, lovely to speak to you.
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How are you?
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I'm really, really good.
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Ed.
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Do you know what's really, really funny?
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And I'm sure you've been doing a lot of the same things.
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Obviously, we are at that point of the year now where I've done all of the interviews for primary school for them going back.
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Yeah.
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Done the senior school ones, and now we are talking about the university ones.
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And I do wonder because I think there's a certain amount of control when our kids go back to school and it's the primary school and all of that type of stuff.
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I think once kids go off to university, it's possibly even more scary because you have to let them go.
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Do you know it's so interesting?
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Because I've actually got a child in every single one of those scenarios.
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It didn't really dawn on me until you said it.
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So I've got a son who's at primary school, and uh he has his main worry at the minute is he's been given the the mighty job of uh date monitor.
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So his worry every day is he has to write the date on the board.
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Okay, yes, and he has to and he has to look after the lost and lonely box, which made me laugh as well.
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Yeah, it's like well, we used to have lost and found, but he has to look after the lost and lonely box.
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Okay.
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Uh so yeah, that's primary school.
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Then my middle daughter, she is at high school preparing for her GCSEs, which brings its own drama and pressure.
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And uh and you know, the word the workload's just exorbitant, and then and then I've got my um eldest who is heading back to her second year now of uni.
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And as you rightly said, you say the word control, I mean like the heart is all out of control.
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It's just you you hand the reins over to them and you just wish for the best.
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You just it's a really bittersweet experience because part of you thinks, well, well done, I've done it.
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Pat on the back, and everything I set out to do.
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I walked out of the hospital with her and a little baby carrier, and now I've walked out of her halls without her.
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You know, I've left her there to go and forge ahead.
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And it's an isolating experience at the same time because you're like, I miss you, you know, you're you're you never stop being their mom or carer or or parent, and and and it it's just a lot to contend with.
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You just hope and pray that everything you've instilled in them it's it's you know sunk into there somewhere, and the rest they know they can come to you for it.
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But uh it's just been an interesting one because Costa Coffee they put together a survey and uh they found that 84% of parents have admitted that their own children as they uh head off to uni or to work now at this age, they have taught them new ways to stay in touch because we just didn't have that technological landscape.
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They now communicate through voice notes and messages and um memes, gifts, reels, tick tocks, photos.
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It's it's just a different world, and you don't want to oh be overbearing, do you?
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You don't want to overload them and and and overwhelm them, and at the same time, you don't want them to feel like you just pulled the plug and went, Well, off you go, get on with it.
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And it's just about us trying to also traverse that landscape and and and let them know we're there for them.
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But uh you go, you go and forge your path.
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I I read something somewhere the other day that basically said um when when my child goes off to university, now obviously they could be close to you, but they could be the other end of the country, you have no idea.
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I want one piece of communication from you a day.
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Now, like you say, good luck.
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Well, it it could be an emoji, just a thumbs up, it could be a reel or something funny you've sent me, or whatever it is, just one piece of communication to know that you're okay.
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But I want you to know that if you really do need me, whether that's advice or anything else, I'm here.
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So that's an interesting one because um I would have agreed with that completely beforehand.
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But then there does come a part where you they then feel that they start having to look after you.
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Oh, I've got to send this message to make sure my mum knows I'm happy, whereas actually I might not be happy that day, but then you go off on your day going right, they've pacified you.
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So it's just another thing on the list.
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It's when like parents say, I just want you to be happy, yeah.
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And you then they're like, Well, hang on a minute, I'm not happy, but now they need me to just do that and tick that off the list.
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So it's almost like adding another thing to their over, you know, the over-subscribed list already.
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So what I try to do, and like you know, that might work for some, but we've just found that we communicate in different ways.
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You know, I might, you know, FaceTime Ava, or she'll FaceTime me when she's just getting ready, and I'll just sort of sit and keep the company, she does her makeup, or I'll get a random message at 3 a.m.
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Like, I'm just home from the club now, and I'll be like, wait, now I have endless questions.
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It's 3 a.m.
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Where have you been?
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Who did you go with?
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How did you get home?
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And it just starts, you know, it there is a huge element of trust that you have to put in them, which you know, you just think, well, I hope you you just do it safely, and that you do know if you need me, I'm there.
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And then there's the other part of I hope you use me in the right way, though, and like not just to like let you use like a taxi account or just send food when you've run overrun your budget because you didn't balance it, and then you start sort of then arguing with with yourself.
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And this is what I'm talking about when it comes to the community that it would be so nice to have.
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You've got NCT groups when you've got a baby, you've got school WhatsApp groups when you've got primaries, uh uh school kids and primary school kids, and then suddenly you know you have grown adult children and the village just sort of disappears because they just assume they're adults.
00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:37.040
But that's almost when you know bigger problems because bigger children and challenges you you need that village.
00:06:37.120 --> 00:06:43.680
And so I think the fact that Costa Coffee they've put together a um uh a free event, it's called New Grounds.
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You can find out all about it on their app.
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Um New Grounds, I like it.
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New grounds is good, isn't it?
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Very good.
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Yeah, it appealed to me.
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It's just parents coming together and carers and just you know, being in the same boat going, we don't all know what we're doing, but we're all in the same boat together, navigating it together and getting some tips off the psychologist.
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:09.439
It's just you know, it's it's just handy to be acknowledged because nobody knows all the answers to it.
00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:19.040
And I've certainly found you know, in the past year when Ava went off to uni and I made that walk back to the car and I made that video that went viral because I basically just cried for 20 years.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:22.959
I mean, I'm really proud, but I'm really sad for me.
00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:26.560
Everything that you've done in your life, and that was the one that went viral.
00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:29.040
Yeah, basically that.
00:07:29.199 --> 00:07:37.519
But it was it's that line that you have to if you do your job well, you have to teach your child to live without you, and then you have to figure out how you're gonna live without them because you can't.
00:07:37.680 --> 00:07:50.639
You can't, they're your baby, and it's it's that it's that dichotomy that you're always sort of stuck with, and so it's just nice to just know A, you're not alone, and B, you know, that there are other people trying to figure it out alongside you.
00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:54.240
Well, look, Miley, I could literally talk to you all day about this.
00:07:54.399 --> 00:08:01.600
I I'm the father of a 13-year-old, so I've got a few years to go yet, but I want to ask you one question before you leave us.
00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:06.480
Are you proud of the mum that you've become with your daughter in university?
00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:16.480
Are you proud of like if you look back a few years to when you were thinking about this was going to happen and now you've had a year of it, are you proud of the mum you've become?
00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:22.560
That's a really, really lovely question, actually, because um I like the word become.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:35.120
It I like the idea that it's it's transient, that it still keeps on moving, because you can't, when you become a parent, as much as you think I'm not gonna parent like my parents did with me, except I'll maybe cherry pick a few bits that I thought were okay.
00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:40.639
You suddenly find yourself going, oh, actually, okay, okay, I get I get why that happened.
00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:44.879
And it's the word become is such an important word because nothing's fixed.
00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:55.120
You have to keep being um fluid with your child as they are with you, because scenarios come up that we just we don't have the training for this because it never happened to us.
00:08:55.279 --> 00:09:00.559
We how do you navigate a a you know a landscape that that we just weren't presented with?
00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:05.279
For example, you know, the a tech landscape, and yet here it is, and here we are.
00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:16.480
So I think the way that you can only you know traverse that landscape with your child is just to be as fluid and and as open as as possible and remain their parent, not their mate.
00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:20.159
I always say this to Ava and and to all my children, I'm your mum, I'm not your mate.
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Because my mates, I talk to them about finances and and business and and relationships.
00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:33.279
But if I spoke about those things with my kids, they'd be like, Well, hang on, now you're just burdening me with this because they can't help you with that.
00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:39.679
So but as their mum, you know, they can burden me and they can offload on me and they can share the good things with me.
00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:42.080
And who knows what comes down the line later on.
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But at the moment, it's just nice to be able to see them forging ahead and finding their own path and for them just to listen.
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I'm just in the background, I'm just there.
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:57.679
But yeah, it'd be nice if they did send an emoji, but when they're ready to send it, send it send me the true one, not the pacifier one.
00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:00.639
Uh Marlene, it's always amazing talking to you.
00:10:00.720 --> 00:10:01.840
Thank you so much for talking to me.
00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:06.080
If people want to find out a little bit more about the Costa New Grounds, where can they do that?
00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:09.120
Just head to the uh Costa Coffee app, it's all there.
00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:11.440
And you can get yourself a nice coffee as well while you're at it.
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:12.399
Oh, yeah, 100%.
00:10:12.720 --> 00:10:13.919
Mileen, thank you so much.
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Enjoy the rest of your day.
00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:16.080
Thank you.
