Roselis (00:15)
So James, we both lived around really strong ideas of what a man is supposed to be. Okay, I want us to kind of start there, what did you learn that a man is supposed to be? And how much of that do you still carry?
James (00:44)
This going to be a loaded episode, guys. So to answer your question, I was taught at a very, very, very young age, five, six, a man should be tough, strong, dominant, always right. yeah, he was the center of the universe. Nobody women walk three feet behind.
Very sexist, loud, strong. Yeah.
Roselis (01:16)
Big.
James (01:16)
Arrogant. Egotistical.
Roselis (01:19)
Overpowering?
James (01:20)
Absolutely! The more overpowering, the more masculine a man he was.
Roselis (01:25)
Okay. So that's what the men around you taught you, that a man is supposed to be?
James (01:31)
That's what I was taught. The men around me, my uncles, so I grew up without a father figure. You know, I didn't know my dad, but my mother had three brothers and they were all distinctly different.
Roselis (01:44)
Okay. So so d, wait, wait, wait. It was it was you and your mom and then you had your three uncles.
James (01:51)
I had three uncles that all stepped in.
Roselis (01:53)
Uh-huh. And they were your male
James (01:55)
My father they were the male figure, correct. Yeah yeah yeah
Roselis (01:57)
figure heads for you. Okay. Okay.
James (02:00)
And they were all different.
Very different. One was, the one that I favor the most was the oldest. I think I do, now that I'm an adult and I look back. He was the wizard. He was, knew how to build things in his mind, crazy things, cars.
Roselis (02:18)
Oh! so he had kind of an engineering mind
James (02:20)
He
had a shop and he would, at a little child I learned how to spray lacquer car paint. I shouldn't have been breathing this shit at five, six years old, but I learned the difference between spray guns, devilbis, tips, types of lacquer, brrrr, how to bondo antique automobiles in lead.
So right, so this man had a mind. Okay. And that's where all of us get it, meaning all the guys in my family, we get that kind of building thing from. So when somebody asked me to build something, I could just go like a computer and kind of figure out what to do. Right and he was a very sharp dresser. So he was the first person that took me to a tailor at a very young age, and I learned how to pick out fabrics. Gabardine, cashmere.
Like I learned a cuff on a pant, a pleat in a pant, how to wear loafers. And then the middle one was the masculine archetype. He was tough. Okay and he drove into me that you gotta be tough and strong and loud and forceful. And then the youngest one, my namesake, was the kindest one. He was very kind to me.
always, my whole life and everytime my mother would blow up or anybody would blow up he would protect me instantly.
Roselis (03:38)
It's also interesting the way that you're describing their personalities, right? Because it's like the oldest was the wise intelligent kind of brainiac. I'm not saying that the other two weren't.
James (03:50)
Right.
Roselis (03:50)
Right? But it was that. And then you have the youngest one that was the softer one and then the middle guy's like the like the HUHHHHH!
James (03:58)
Yeah. Totally.
And I loved him to death and he's a great man, or was a great man. They've all passed away.
Roselis (04:01)
So so they taught you three different things about what a man is supposed to be. You got the tough, this the smart fix it all, and you got the soft
James (04:11)
The loving one.
Roselis (04:12)
So tell me what happens or how did you come to see what was you and what wasn't you in the way that this was taught to you? This this male dominant kind of image, if you will.
James (04:37)
So I
I had a very, very hard lonely fearful childhood.
When we are talking mid teens, and you know, and for one, I don't want to paint masculinity as male because I think masculinity can be male or female, has nothing to do with gender. It really doesn't, but that we'll get to that. So I had to figure out, you know, from my family's structure, and I grew up in an immigrant Romanian family, right? Very tough, off the boat, and you know
Roselis (05:12)
So you're first generation American.
Okay.
James (05:14)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, I had to be tough. So my mother used to say, Toughen up!! You gotta be a man!! So I would lower my octave in my voice and I always had a pretty deep voice, but I would lower it and chest out and and I was a tall, skinny kid and I
Roselis (05:38)
And you bring it up 10 decibels.
James (05:39)
And, hat's what I did, you know. So I learned how to be a word that I do not like.
Roselis (05:43)
Aha, which is?
James (05:44)
Punk.
Right. I was arrogant and pompous and I'm a little embarrassed by that to be honest, because I didn't need to be. Because I don't equate masculinity with those things today at all. But then I did. It was like how tough I could be, how loud I could be, how smart I could be, how I could insult somebody like this. and you know, that's what I was taught. And
So I kinda ran with it.
Roselis (06:15)
So okay, I wanna go back to the question. How were you able to then discern what you were to keep and how you were able to let go of those parts? So as you know, I was raised I was very, very, very lucky to be raised by a man who was incredibly respectful of women.
James (06:39)
Which is great. Yeah.
Roselis (06:41)
Who always told me that I could do anything that I wanted to do. Where I saw an example of a courteous, strong, incredibly intelligent, honorable, and respectful man showed me what that looks like. Right? Without being overpowering, without being physically more, you know,
dominant or you know exactly a none of that. He was a very soft and I don't mean like not at all. He had a fantastic sense of humor. Everything had a you know, a joke within it.
James (07:25)
Love that.
Roselis (07:26)
He was incredibly jovial. He was a lot of fun, incredibly intelligent, but it was all about respect and honor and doing. So
As I had to encounter the rooms with the powerful men, right? Having learned that, meaning having had that example of that man being respectful and talking nicely,
not in any kind of diminishing way towards women. I learned how to put myself in a position where I set boundaries. Right?
James (08:13)
Wonderful. How wonderful!
Roselis (08:14)
I remember I distinctly remember the story where I was
28, 29 years old, right? So I was already a woman, but I was very naive in many in many ways, right? And I was working for this incredibly powerful restaurateur. And he had many restaurants and he was very famous and he was all of these things. And one day he blew a gasket and called me every name in the book.
And did all kinds of things and I just looked at him and I just sat there and I let him have his fit, whatever it was, for whatever reason, and I looked at him and I said, You ever do this again, I'm done. Basically set a boundary.
James (09:07)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Roselis (09:08)
He was powerful, he was my boss, he was all of those things. I didn't react, I didn't counterattack, I didn't I did none of those things. I lost some respect, obviously, because you don't have the right to talk to me that way. But
James (09:25)
And it's so not necessary. It's so not necessary.
Roselis (09:27)
And again it was his way of exerting power
James (09:31)
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Roselis (09:32)
but not one that I could accept. Right? And again because of the example that I had I knew where my level was, right? My level of acceptance where my bar was
James (09:44)
Yeah.
and you were familiar with what a man, whatever that word means can be. Right? one that was successful and powerful and had a lot of pressure on him at the same time and et cetera, but didn't need to go didn't need to exert it that way
Roselis (09:58)
Which
is what gave me the freedom
James (10:01)
Right.
Roselis (10:02)
to be able to hold a place of strength in front of men that did that. Right? So eight months go by, maybe a year goes by. I'm gonna say it was probably eight months 'cause I don't think it was a full year.
And actually my father died in the middle of all of this and I had to take a quick flight home and this man was like, You're not flying regular class, let me put you in a first class seat. I had bought the ticket and he was like, I'm gonna bump you up to first class, you don't need to be in this stress situation. I mean he was a very nice man. But he had this side that was disrespectful
James (10:40)
Yeah yeah, of course.
Roselis (10:42)
And I was not taking it. So eight months later, the man does this again. I walked over to my purse, I grabbed the keys, and I put them on the counter in front of him. And he says, What is this? And I said, I'm out.
James (11:00)
I'm out. Yeah, good for you.
Roselis (11:03)
And he said, You can't do this, you need tadadadada. And I was like, no, no, no. I'll be back for my paycheck in two weeks. Because it was like, you know, the next cycle, and I'm done. And he was like, but Roselis, you can't do this. I need you. What am I gonna do? This and that, and I said, I said that to you once before. Didn't have to say it again. And I literally walked out.
James (11:27)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, agreed. Great, great.
Roselis (11:28)
And that was the end of it, right?
James (11:32)
I am recently. I'm in my third act, right? We talk about that, we're getting up there in age, and I'm loving it. Because I'm really coming to terms with self.
Masculinity has absolutely nothing to do with being a man. Right? I think masculinity is keeping your word, showing up, biting the bullet when you may have to, and without letting anybody know that you did. I don't think it gets more masculine than that. Right? Really- And this is not gender.
Women, men, same thing. Right? How many women keep their word, show up when they have to, bite the bullet when they need to, and they don't have to have a sign saying I did this. Right? We don't need to jump on Instagram or social media and say, I did this. No, it's about really just showing up for self, for yourself first, and then for other and
I really you know, so I have been contemplating masculinity for quite a while now in the last several years. And I don't think it's about being loud. I you as you know, I've been accused of being loud. I do. I bark and wolf and talk loud. You know, it's it's a part of what I do. But I don't consider that being manly or masculine, and I don't think masculinity has anything to do with strength, right? Man, I grew up with a mother that
was stronger than anything I know. Right? or, you know, the mind to put others first. Right? So how does how does male archetype now mean that we have to be boisterous and strong and and dominant and aggressive and that's all bullshit. That's just performing.
Roselis (13:22)
Yeah. Absolutely it is.
James (13:23)
That's all it is.
And I think again I'll say, being a man today in 2026 is about showing up and just being as genuine and how about this? Vulnerable.
Roselis (13:40)
That is exactly where I was gonna go. Because I think that there is no greater or more beautiful trait in a man than vulnerability.
James (13:51)
It takes a lot of security to say, you know what? I fucked up. And I have. God knows. So I'm dealing with all of that, right? I'm contemplating and trying coming to terms with all of it, right? So but sometimes admitting that the plan doesn't really work, or it didn't work, and saying, you know what? We gotta kinda go back and change some things. Or let's move forward with this different mindset.
Right? because I fucked up or I didn't do this right.
Roselis (14:23)
So tell us a little bit about how you came to terms with your own. Meaning having grown in that environment, right? Having had those examples of what masculinity means. How did you come to a place where as a gay man, right, in that environment
you were able to kind of intertwine or weave in your part of masculinity within that. How did you get to be in touch with all of that? How did you work that through?
James (15:10)
It was, it has been a very bumpy road.
To quote the great Betty Davis, fasten your seatbelts for this ride. So I grew up very punk, which is the word I use over-performative male in my early twenties. I get married, I get a divorce, didn't really deal with my homosexuality at that time, wasn't even really aware of it then, actually.
Again, coming from a very old culture, very masculine dominant, you know, this is what you're gonna do. The woman steps three foot behind. So when I get married.
I used to think, I was taught that women, again, walk three steps behind. I say jump, they say how high. And I really thought that's what I wanted. I really did.
James (16:06)
I thought that I wanted to tell my wife, You're gonna jump. And she's gonna say how hi. But that's what I got, guys. That's what she did.
Roselis (16:17)
Oh! you did get that type of wife, that's so interesting.
James (16:18)
That's exactly what I got. And it bored the tears out of me. I would ask her, I would say, blah blah blah, what's your opinion? She goes, Well, whatever you think. And I would be like, Well but don't you have an opinion? Yeah.
Well, you know, no, I think whatever and I was like, no, no, no, no. So two years of that, I said, I don't want this, right? so anyway, you know, get a divorce, move on, and I'm still kind of stuck in these worlds. So, you know, I finally come out, it's a whole other story. It was really a lot. But I come out and I didn't want to be gay. And that masculine
Roselis (16:57)
What do you mean?
James (16:59)
I did not want to be gay. I wanted
In my consciousness, well I don't know about my consciousness; in my mind I thought I want children, I want a regular life, I want the station wagon, the white picket fence, the house, all of that, right? I didn't want to be gay and I fought it for years. Went into therapy threw myself in the church.
Roselis (17:19)
As you instincts were taking you in that direction your mind was sayin to you deny, deny, deny, deny.
James (17:21)
Oh totally, absolutely, I was fighting it. I wouldn't even say the word gay for years.
Roselis (17:28)
Okay. Got it.
James (17:29)
Right? Went to therapy, threw myself back in the church, devout Christian, really dove in deep, and then I hit my first gay bar in West Palm and never looked back. But the point was even the masculinity then was an issue of what a man meant because now I found myself in this different world, at different world meaning the gay world, and
didn't fit in a hundred percent. Right? and so to this day, I still feel like I'm one of the gays that's on the outside looking in because I don't really fit the mold of all the different types. I have pieces of them, and not pieces of them, right? So anyway, how did I how did I finally ease into my my version of masculinity and really see it clearly? It's probably been in the last
eight or ten years that I figured out I'm a good guy. I try my hardest. I really try to show up for people. If I tell you I'm gonna do something, I really try to make it happen. And I let all the archetype and all the performance go away. I am more accepting of self than forever. I was asked I think I told you the story a few times. I was asked to do this T.V. gig and
I was told that I needed to maybe be a little bit more gay to get I don't know just just to get the part, right? To be a little bit more flamboyant. And I said, Bro, you want me to throw on a pink tutu and jump off the roof? Let's go. You know? I really feel that today though. The interesting thing is, I was being performative in saying that. But today
Regardless of pink tutu, being aggressive, none of it makes you a man or masculine. It's all what's going on in here, right? And I think the fact that your father treated others with respect, regardless to gender.
And still firm, you know, what is that that term velvet, glove, iron fist? right? Perfect example of masculinity. Meaning you can do things in a kind and compassionate way, but still firm, still very direct, with boundaries, right? but all the performativeness that we have today and what's masculine mean, I want to throw up. Because I'm like, show me a human being that shows up, keeps their word, and tries to help other and doesn't need a headline to do it.
That, male or female, regardless, that's masculine to me, right?
Roselis (20:13)
Yeah. Yeah, having agency of self, of all of those things, you know, decorum and respect and
James (20:21)
Yeah.
Roselis (20:22)
and and also showing vulnerability. You know, I often think about
James (20:27)
And only recently and I'm not cut you off, only recently I found out about vulnerability. Only in the last few years. Right? Only recently that I'm like wow I can share it.
Roselis (20:39)
And how does that feel when that is exposed?
James (20:43)
It never used to feel good because I was taught I had to be here. Yeah Right.
Roselis (20:47)
Right. Right, right.
James (20:48)
You know? And now I could say, you know what? I'm not doing so well. I'm lost. I'm a little fearful.
And it feels so good just to be open
And just really being accepting of self, right? There shouldn't be this diagram of what it is to be a man, this height, this body weight, this voice, this kind of personality, this aggression, this this, this no. Right? I think I think all of that is crap. Right?
Roselis (21:23)
So here's another question about this, okay? Where does masculinity show up as a need to prove something?
James (21:39)
Oh, I think it shows up constantly it especially today's society it shows up constantly in everything right
Roselis (21:46)
Give me an example
James (21:49)
so I think I think masculinity shows up to prove that you are a strong man you have to be aggressive you have to go in, and just crunch it out you know be
rude and obnoxious and you know and I think there's a difference between being direct and concise and being obnoxious and overly aggressive. Right? I do have an aggressive personality at times. Some people think that's shocking, right? Because usually I come off this way. Even last night I have a house guest and you know it was late at night and I was like okay and she was like whoa right it came out.
I wasn't thinking about it and and and I felt bad because I never want anybody to experience that the way I did, especially as a kid. Right? If I love somebody and I care for somebody and I'm trying to help them, making them feel bad about me helping them is not helping them. That's just my ego coming out. Right? So this does come down to ego, I think, especially
Male or female, it doesn't matter. But I think in our society today, we're constantly seeing this aggressive
totally belligerent style of communicating to other living beings and thinking it's acceptable. And it is not, it is not.
Roselis (23:13)
As a sign of strength, right? But it's not. Because in vulnerability is really where the sign of strength comes out.
James (23:19)
Can I tell you, I'm experiencing that now, guys, like I said, the last couple of years of my life and I don't know if the word freeing is right when I do it, but
Yeah.
Roselis (23:27)
It feel soothing, right?
James (23:28)
It really, it feels it feels authentic. And that's I think important.
Roselis (23:34)
So to kind of resume, we're saying there is this male egotistical strong kind of overpowering idea that was inculcated before and it seems to be done today as well on what the male should be.
Right. And what we're saying here is that none of those things are really shows of strength or of what masculinity should look like. Right?
James (24:09)
Corrrect. Right. We equate masculinity with strength, right? But the strength is not just brute force or being aggressive. Exactly. None of it's none of those things. I don't think it's necessary.
Roselis (24:23)
Proving something. You don't have to prove anything, and being vulnerable
is a greater show of strength than the idea of the aggressive male.
James (24:43)
Yeah, showing up. Keeping your word.
Roselis (24:43)
Yeah. That! That, right? Consistency.
James (24:43)
Without letting anybody know.
Roselis (24:44)
Follow through
James (24:44)
Totally, non performative.
Roselis (24:46)
being a man of your word, or a person, I shouldn't say a man of being a person of your word, whatever that is, right?
James (24:59)
Correct.
Roselis (25:01)
So this week, notice where you are feeling the need to prove something.
Thank you for being with us. We'll see you again next week.
So James, we both lived around really strong ideas of what a man is supposed to be. Okay, I want us to kind of start there, what did you learn that a man is supposed to be? And how much of that do you still carry?
James (00:44)
This going to be a loaded episode, guys. So to answer your question, I was taught at a very, very, very young age, five, six, a man should be tough, strong, dominant, always right. yeah, he was the center of the universe. Nobody women walk three feet behind.
Very sexist, loud, strong. Yeah.
Roselis (01:16)
Big.
James (01:16)
Arrogant. Egotistical.
Roselis (01:19)
Overpowering?
James (01:20)
Absolutely! The more overpowering, the more masculine a man he was.
Roselis (01:25)
Okay. So that's what the men around you taught you, that a man is supposed to be?
James (01:31)
That's what I was taught. The men around me, my uncles, so I grew up without a father figure. You know, I didn't know my dad, but my mother had three brothers and they were all distinctly different.
Roselis (01:44)
Okay. So so d, wait, wait, wait. It was it was you and your mom and then you had your three uncles.
James (01:51)
I had three uncles that all stepped in.
Roselis (01:53)
Uh-huh. And they were your male
James (01:55)
My father they were the male figure, correct. Yeah yeah yeah
Roselis (01:57)
figure heads for you. Okay. Okay.
James (02:00)
And they were all different.
Very different. One was, the one that I favor the most was the oldest. I think I do, now that I'm an adult and I look back. He was the wizard. He was, knew how to build things in his mind, crazy things, cars.
Roselis (02:18)
Oh! so he had kind of an engineering mind
James (02:20)
He
had a shop and he would, at a little child I learned how to spray lacquer car paint. I shouldn't have been breathing this shit at five, six years old, but I learned the difference between spray guns, devilbis, tips, types of lacquer, brrrr, how to bondo antique automobiles in lead.
So right, so this man had a mind. Okay. And that's where all of us get it, meaning all the guys in my family, we get that kind of building thing from. So when somebody asked me to build something, I could just go like a computer and kind of figure out what to do. Right and he was a very sharp dresser. So he was the first person that took me to a tailor at a very young age, and I learned how to pick out fabrics. Gabardine, cashmere.
Like I learned a cuff on a pant, a pleat in a pant, how to wear loafers. And then the middle one was the masculine archetype. He was tough. Okay and he drove into me that you gotta be tough and strong and loud and forceful. And then the youngest one, my namesake, was the kindest one. He was very kind to me.
always, my whole life and everytime my mother would blow up or anybody would blow up he would protect me instantly.
Roselis (03:38)
It's also interesting the way that you're describing their personalities, right? Because it's like the oldest was the wise intelligent kind of brainiac. I'm not saying that the other two weren't.
James (03:50)
Right.
Roselis (03:50)
Right? But it was that. And then you have the youngest one that was the softer one and then the middle guy's like the like the HUHHHHH!
James (03:58)
Yeah. Totally.
And I loved him to death and he's a great man, or was a great man. They've all passed away.
Roselis (04:01)
So so they taught you three different things about what a man is supposed to be. You got the tough, this the smart fix it all, and you got the soft
James (04:11)
The loving one.
Roselis (04:12)
So tell me what happens or how did you come to see what was you and what wasn't you in the way that this was taught to you? This this male dominant kind of image, if you will.
James (04:37)
So I
I had a very, very hard lonely fearful childhood.
When we are talking mid teens, and you know, and for one, I don't want to paint masculinity as male because I think masculinity can be male or female, has nothing to do with gender. It really doesn't, but that we'll get to that. So I had to figure out, you know, from my family's structure, and I grew up in an immigrant Romanian family, right? Very tough, off the boat, and you know
Roselis (05:12)
So you're first generation American.
Okay.
James (05:14)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, I had to be tough. So my mother used to say, Toughen up!! You gotta be a man!! So I would lower my octave in my voice and I always had a pretty deep voice, but I would lower it and chest out and and I was a tall, skinny kid and I
Roselis (05:38)
And you bring it up 10 decibels.
James (05:39)
And, hat's what I did, you know. So I learned how to be a word that I do not like.
Roselis (05:43)
Aha, which is?
James (05:44)
Punk.
Right. I was arrogant and pompous and I'm a little embarrassed by that to be honest, because I didn't need to be. Because I don't equate masculinity with those things today at all. But then I did. It was like how tough I could be, how loud I could be, how smart I could be, how I could insult somebody like this. and you know, that's what I was taught. And
So I kinda ran with it.
Roselis (06:15)
So okay, I wanna go back to the question. How were you able to then discern what you were to keep and how you were able to let go of those parts? So as you know, I was raised I was very, very, very lucky to be raised by a man who was incredibly respectful of women.
James (06:39)
Which is great. Yeah.
Roselis (06:41)
Who always told me that I could do anything that I wanted to do. Where I saw an example of a courteous, strong, incredibly intelligent, honorable, and respectful man showed me what that looks like. Right? Without being overpowering, without being physically more, you know,
dominant or you know exactly a none of that. He was a very soft and I don't mean like not at all. He had a fantastic sense of humor. Everything had a you know, a joke within it.
James (07:25)
Love that.
Roselis (07:26)
He was incredibly jovial. He was a lot of fun, incredibly intelligent, but it was all about respect and honor and doing. So
As I had to encounter the rooms with the powerful men, right? Having learned that, meaning having had that example of that man being respectful and talking nicely,
not in any kind of diminishing way towards women. I learned how to put myself in a position where I set boundaries. Right?
James (08:13)
Wonderful. How wonderful!
Roselis (08:14)
I remember I distinctly remember the story where I was
28, 29 years old, right? So I was already a woman, but I was very naive in many in many ways, right? And I was working for this incredibly powerful restaurateur. And he had many restaurants and he was very famous and he was all of these things. And one day he blew a gasket and called me every name in the book.
And did all kinds of things and I just looked at him and I just sat there and I let him have his fit, whatever it was, for whatever reason, and I looked at him and I said, You ever do this again, I'm done. Basically set a boundary.
James (09:07)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Roselis (09:08)
He was powerful, he was my boss, he was all of those things. I didn't react, I didn't counterattack, I didn't I did none of those things. I lost some respect, obviously, because you don't have the right to talk to me that way. But
James (09:25)
And it's so not necessary. It's so not necessary.
Roselis (09:27)
And again it was his way of exerting power
James (09:31)
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Roselis (09:32)
but not one that I could accept. Right? And again because of the example that I had I knew where my level was, right? My level of acceptance where my bar was
James (09:44)
Yeah.
and you were familiar with what a man, whatever that word means can be. Right? one that was successful and powerful and had a lot of pressure on him at the same time and et cetera, but didn't need to go didn't need to exert it that way
Roselis (09:58)
Which
is what gave me the freedom
James (10:01)
Right.
Roselis (10:02)
to be able to hold a place of strength in front of men that did that. Right? So eight months go by, maybe a year goes by. I'm gonna say it was probably eight months 'cause I don't think it was a full year.
And actually my father died in the middle of all of this and I had to take a quick flight home and this man was like, You're not flying regular class, let me put you in a first class seat. I had bought the ticket and he was like, I'm gonna bump you up to first class, you don't need to be in this stress situation. I mean he was a very nice man. But he had this side that was disrespectful
James (10:40)
Yeah yeah, of course.
Roselis (10:42)
And I was not taking it. So eight months later, the man does this again. I walked over to my purse, I grabbed the keys, and I put them on the counter in front of him. And he says, What is this? And I said, I'm out.
James (11:00)
I'm out. Yeah, good for you.
Roselis (11:03)
And he said, You can't do this, you need tadadadada. And I was like, no, no, no. I'll be back for my paycheck in two weeks. Because it was like, you know, the next cycle, and I'm done. And he was like, but Roselis, you can't do this. I need you. What am I gonna do? This and that, and I said, I said that to you once before. Didn't have to say it again. And I literally walked out.
James (11:27)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, agreed. Great, great.
Roselis (11:28)
And that was the end of it, right?
James (11:32)
I am recently. I'm in my third act, right? We talk about that, we're getting up there in age, and I'm loving it. Because I'm really coming to terms with self.
Masculinity has absolutely nothing to do with being a man. Right? I think masculinity is keeping your word, showing up, biting the bullet when you may have to, and without letting anybody know that you did. I don't think it gets more masculine than that. Right? Really- And this is not gender.
Women, men, same thing. Right? How many women keep their word, show up when they have to, bite the bullet when they need to, and they don't have to have a sign saying I did this. Right? We don't need to jump on Instagram or social media and say, I did this. No, it's about really just showing up for self, for yourself first, and then for other and
I really you know, so I have been contemplating masculinity for quite a while now in the last several years. And I don't think it's about being loud. I you as you know, I've been accused of being loud. I do. I bark and wolf and talk loud. You know, it's it's a part of what I do. But I don't consider that being manly or masculine, and I don't think masculinity has anything to do with strength, right? Man, I grew up with a mother that
was stronger than anything I know. Right? or, you know, the mind to put others first. Right? So how does how does male archetype now mean that we have to be boisterous and strong and and dominant and aggressive and that's all bullshit. That's just performing.
Roselis (13:22)
Yeah. Absolutely it is.
James (13:23)
That's all it is.
And I think again I'll say, being a man today in 2026 is about showing up and just being as genuine and how about this? Vulnerable.
Roselis (13:40)
That is exactly where I was gonna go. Because I think that there is no greater or more beautiful trait in a man than vulnerability.
James (13:51)
It takes a lot of security to say, you know what? I fucked up. And I have. God knows. So I'm dealing with all of that, right? I'm contemplating and trying coming to terms with all of it, right? So but sometimes admitting that the plan doesn't really work, or it didn't work, and saying, you know what? We gotta kinda go back and change some things. Or let's move forward with this different mindset.
Right? because I fucked up or I didn't do this right.
Roselis (14:23)
So tell us a little bit about how you came to terms with your own. Meaning having grown in that environment, right? Having had those examples of what masculinity means. How did you come to a place where as a gay man, right, in that environment
you were able to kind of intertwine or weave in your part of masculinity within that. How did you get to be in touch with all of that? How did you work that through?
James (15:10)
It was, it has been a very bumpy road.
To quote the great Betty Davis, fasten your seatbelts for this ride. So I grew up very punk, which is the word I use over-performative male in my early twenties. I get married, I get a divorce, didn't really deal with my homosexuality at that time, wasn't even really aware of it then, actually.
Again, coming from a very old culture, very masculine dominant, you know, this is what you're gonna do. The woman steps three foot behind. So when I get married.
I used to think, I was taught that women, again, walk three steps behind. I say jump, they say how high. And I really thought that's what I wanted. I really did.
James (16:06)
I thought that I wanted to tell my wife, You're gonna jump. And she's gonna say how hi. But that's what I got, guys. That's what she did.
Roselis (16:17)
Oh! you did get that type of wife, that's so interesting.
James (16:18)
That's exactly what I got. And it bored the tears out of me. I would ask her, I would say, blah blah blah, what's your opinion? She goes, Well, whatever you think. And I would be like, Well but don't you have an opinion? Yeah.
Well, you know, no, I think whatever and I was like, no, no, no, no. So two years of that, I said, I don't want this, right? so anyway, you know, get a divorce, move on, and I'm still kind of stuck in these worlds. So, you know, I finally come out, it's a whole other story. It was really a lot. But I come out and I didn't want to be gay. And that masculine
Roselis (16:57)
What do you mean?
James (16:59)
I did not want to be gay. I wanted
In my consciousness, well I don't know about my consciousness; in my mind I thought I want children, I want a regular life, I want the station wagon, the white picket fence, the house, all of that, right? I didn't want to be gay and I fought it for years. Went into therapy threw myself in the church.
Roselis (17:19)
As you instincts were taking you in that direction your mind was sayin to you deny, deny, deny, deny.
James (17:21)
Oh totally, absolutely, I was fighting it. I wouldn't even say the word gay for years.
Roselis (17:28)
Okay. Got it.
James (17:29)
Right? Went to therapy, threw myself back in the church, devout Christian, really dove in deep, and then I hit my first gay bar in West Palm and never looked back. But the point was even the masculinity then was an issue of what a man meant because now I found myself in this different world, at different world meaning the gay world, and
didn't fit in a hundred percent. Right? and so to this day, I still feel like I'm one of the gays that's on the outside looking in because I don't really fit the mold of all the different types. I have pieces of them, and not pieces of them, right? So anyway, how did I how did I finally ease into my my version of masculinity and really see it clearly? It's probably been in the last
eight or ten years that I figured out I'm a good guy. I try my hardest. I really try to show up for people. If I tell you I'm gonna do something, I really try to make it happen. And I let all the archetype and all the performance go away. I am more accepting of self than forever. I was asked I think I told you the story a few times. I was asked to do this T.V. gig and
I was told that I needed to maybe be a little bit more gay to get I don't know just just to get the part, right? To be a little bit more flamboyant. And I said, Bro, you want me to throw on a pink tutu and jump off the roof? Let's go. You know? I really feel that today though. The interesting thing is, I was being performative in saying that. But today
Regardless of pink tutu, being aggressive, none of it makes you a man or masculine. It's all what's going on in here, right? And I think the fact that your father treated others with respect, regardless to gender.
And still firm, you know, what is that that term velvet, glove, iron fist? right? Perfect example of masculinity. Meaning you can do things in a kind and compassionate way, but still firm, still very direct, with boundaries, right? but all the performativeness that we have today and what's masculine mean, I want to throw up. Because I'm like, show me a human being that shows up, keeps their word, and tries to help other and doesn't need a headline to do it.
That, male or female, regardless, that's masculine to me, right?
Roselis (20:13)
Yeah. Yeah, having agency of self, of all of those things, you know, decorum and respect and
James (20:21)
Yeah.
Roselis (20:22)
and and also showing vulnerability. You know, I often think about
James (20:27)
And only recently and I'm not cut you off, only recently I found out about vulnerability. Only in the last few years. Right? Only recently that I'm like wow I can share it.
Roselis (20:39)
And how does that feel when that is exposed?
James (20:43)
It never used to feel good because I was taught I had to be here. Yeah Right.
Roselis (20:47)
Right. Right, right.
James (20:48)
You know? And now I could say, you know what? I'm not doing so well. I'm lost. I'm a little fearful.
And it feels so good just to be open
And just really being accepting of self, right? There shouldn't be this diagram of what it is to be a man, this height, this body weight, this voice, this kind of personality, this aggression, this this, this no. Right? I think I think all of that is crap. Right?
Roselis (21:23)
So here's another question about this, okay? Where does masculinity show up as a need to prove something?
James (21:39)
Oh, I think it shows up constantly it especially today's society it shows up constantly in everything right
Roselis (21:46)
Give me an example
James (21:49)
so I think I think masculinity shows up to prove that you are a strong man you have to be aggressive you have to go in, and just crunch it out you know be
rude and obnoxious and you know and I think there's a difference between being direct and concise and being obnoxious and overly aggressive. Right? I do have an aggressive personality at times. Some people think that's shocking, right? Because usually I come off this way. Even last night I have a house guest and you know it was late at night and I was like okay and she was like whoa right it came out.
I wasn't thinking about it and and and I felt bad because I never want anybody to experience that the way I did, especially as a kid. Right? If I love somebody and I care for somebody and I'm trying to help them, making them feel bad about me helping them is not helping them. That's just my ego coming out. Right? So this does come down to ego, I think, especially
Male or female, it doesn't matter. But I think in our society today, we're constantly seeing this aggressive
totally belligerent style of communicating to other living beings and thinking it's acceptable. And it is not, it is not.
Roselis (23:13)
As a sign of strength, right? But it's not. Because in vulnerability is really where the sign of strength comes out.
James (23:19)
Can I tell you, I'm experiencing that now, guys, like I said, the last couple of years of my life and I don't know if the word freeing is right when I do it, but
Yeah.
Roselis (23:27)
It feel soothing, right?
James (23:28)
It really, it feels it feels authentic. And that's I think important.
Roselis (23:34)
So to kind of resume, we're saying there is this male egotistical strong kind of overpowering idea that was inculcated before and it seems to be done today as well on what the male should be.
Right. And what we're saying here is that none of those things are really shows of strength or of what masculinity should look like. Right?
James (24:09)
Corrrect. Right. We equate masculinity with strength, right? But the strength is not just brute force or being aggressive. Exactly. None of it's none of those things. I don't think it's necessary.
Roselis (24:23)
Proving something. You don't have to prove anything, and being vulnerable
is a greater show of strength than the idea of the aggressive male.
James (24:43)
Yeah, showing up. Keeping your word.
Roselis (24:43)
Yeah. That! That, right? Consistency.
James (24:43)
Without letting anybody know.
Roselis (24:44)
Follow through
James (24:44)
Totally, non performative.
Roselis (24:46)
being a man of your word, or a person, I shouldn't say a man of being a person of your word, whatever that is, right?
James (24:59)
Correct.
Roselis (25:01)
So this week, notice where you are feeling the need to prove something.
Thank you for being with us. We'll see you again next week.
