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Welcome back to the mindset cafe podcast.
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It's your boy Devin. And today, we are connecting two patterns that honestly, they may look a little bit different on the surface, but often they kind of come from the same place, right? The inability to receive correction, right?
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Or feedback, let's say, right? And the tendency to try to solve every problem by working harder.
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When somebody identifies a weakness in maybe our approach, right? We have normally two basic options. We can examine the feedback and adjust.
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Or we can defend the approach and work harder to prove that this should work, right? And I will say I am guilty of both, right? At the end of the day, one response protects the mission, right?
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The other protects your ego.
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But sometimes we confuse the two. So in this episode, honestly, like this is, it kind of stems from the 11 week challenge that we got going on here at Shop 11 Fitness and some other things, you know, that even myself, I've dealt with over the years and fitness in business and so forth that I've seen it, I've received it, you know, from giving advice, getting advice, all that.
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So this episode is not about accepting everything anybody says about you, right? Because that'd be fucking crazy, right?
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Some feedback is wrong, right? Some feedback is incomplete.
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Some people deliver feedback poorly, right? And some people are just straight up disrespectful, right? Some criticism is given, right?
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Or feedback is given. And it's given as a manipulation, right? Wearing the clothes of honesty, right?
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Wearing this like this mask of honesty.
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But if your first response to every time you receive a correction or advice or feedback is to defend yourself and attack the messenger or explain the context of why you're doing what you're doing or work harder at the same strategy, or even maybe let's say rejecting the information in, you know, as whole.
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And it's like some of that information you may need, right? The real question is not, did I like how that feedback felt? Because honestly, at the end of the day, success, growth, all that has nothing to do with your feelings.
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It doesn't care how you feel, right?
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The real question is, is there any truth in this that can help me improve? Is there anything truthful here that can help me improve, right? So I want to begin with like that distinction that people often blur, right?
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Because correction is not automatically just disrespectful.
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Someone's not correcting you to be mean, right?
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Because most of the time, I mean, I will say sometimes I'm very blunt and I'm not sorry for it.
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That's just the way I am. I try to sugarcoat things sometimes, but sometimes it can come off disrespectful, but it's not like I only give feedback or advice because I care, right? Or because I truly want to see you succeed.
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And if I see something from an outside perspective, let's say, I'm going to give you my opinion, don't take it.
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It doesn't do anything to me whether you use my information or not, right? And a little story time real quick, a little side note, this is that kind of that saying of like it does nothing for me.
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Maybe think about when I joined RBO a couple of years ago, real business owners, and in the lower level group, right? You know, everyone is the same level, right?
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And same has the same amount of sway on the platform, you know, when you're speaking or giving advice and so forth, right? And then I ended up moving up to the upper level group, right? The big bombs, the OGs.
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And now I'm sitting with real business owners, right?
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Not to say lower levels aren't real business owners, but in my mind, all of a sudden, now I'm sitting around like the big dogs. And at the time, we had just opened up strife. We had maybe been open for two years, right? Yeah, I had a personal training business before that.
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It was six figures, you know, blah, blah, blah.
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But it's like now that like, that was being a solopreneur.
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This is like the first time I'm actually an entrepreneur and have employees and so forth. And I'm sitting with people that have been in business for, you know, 10 plus years.
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And I'm here brand new in business, you know, not only was my business the newest business in the upper level group, I was probably one of one of if not the youngest person in that group, right? And the meetup, because we did quarterly meetups. And so I had joined, we had to do an interview and everything like that. A couple of people did interviews and, you know, I not picked to move up.
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And so it just so happened that there was a quarterly meetup like the next month. So I ended up going to Rosarito, Mexico. We helped build a little playground and stuff for this church or something. And on the second day, we you do what's around, you know, a round table or breakout tables.
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So there is no escaping. There is no hiding in the back is not a seminar. Like everyone's in a circle, right? And tables. And then essentially you say what's going well in your business. And then you say what's going wrong in your business or what you need help on, right?
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Now mind you, it just so happened that where I was sitting, like I ended up being the last person.
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And so to talk about my business, right?
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And my thought process going into that I was, believe me, I had a fat sense of imposter syndrome, you know, going into it. And I told myself ahead of time, like I'm going to give the advice that I think is good, like to to these people that are above me and I had a higher level. Because in my head, I was like, you know what, like we're all here together, we're all trying to get better. But at the same time, like what if I have something that I've experienced that maybe they haven't experienced in their, you know, 10 years yet, right?
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Something along my life's journey that I've experienced or seen someone else experience and can give that valuable piece of information that could help them overcome their problem, right?
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That would be doing them a disservice by holding that back because I'm scared that they're going to think I'm, you know, a little rookie in business or it's give me like a pat on the head. I had to think about it and was like, what's the worst thing that's going to happen?
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You can give me a pat on the head, right?
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I told them at the end, I was like, my goal, I was like, I was like, I hope you guys, you know, at least appreciate some of the information.
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I hope you guys can use some of the information.
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I was like, at the end of the day, like, you know, use it, don't use it, like does does nothing for me, whether you use it or not.
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My whole goal was just to give you some value or give you some outside perspective. And honestly, like that, like saying that and stepping outside my comfort zone, like, a couple of people did come up to me afterwards and was gave me like my props, like, dude, like, you're really smart, blah, blah, blah, you're like, you're levels above what you think you are, whatever, right? But it's the whole fact of like, I could have not gave feedback because I was scared of giving feedback. But genuinely, whether someone took it in the wrong way or not, or like, you're just, you know, new in business, like, you don't know what you're talking about.
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It's like, my whole thing is giving feedback was like, your, maybe I have a piece of knowledge that could solve your problem or give you a flicker of light in a direction that you know that could solve your problem.
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Now, everyone there, from least my, my side seemed receptive of it, right? But they could have not have been, it could have felt disrespectful to them. But at the end of the day, they had to ask themselves, is there any truth in what he is saying that can help me improve with this, right? And realize that advice, sometimes the advice comes from someone outside your, your zone or your, you know, your industry or outside of what you're currently doing just because they can see it from a different lens, right? But sorry, that went off in a tangent, want to circle back to what we're talking about. Right, so corrections not automatically disrespectful, I think is what we were talking about. And so, correction challenges of behavior, right? It challenges a decision or a result or a approach and disrespect attacks your dignity, right? Your character, your basic, essentially self-worth or worth, right?
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And so, a person can challenge your decision without challenging you, like your authority, your character or anything like that. A person can disagree with you without disrespecting you is what I'm trying to get at, right? And somebody can deliver a correction poorly without being completely wrong. Sometimes my bluntness is delivered poorly and I probably could have delivered it better.
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And so, it doesn't mean that what I'm saying is wrong, it's just, I could have probably handled it better or delivered it better.
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So, one thing I've learned is if I see someone and I give them advice or whatever it is feedback and I notice their facial expression doesn't resemble what I was trying to convey, I'll ask them, like, does that make sense or like do you get what I'm saying or why I'm saying it?
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And kind of like ask, like, you know, are you good?
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So, like, I didn't mean any disrespect by it.
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This is why I was saying it, blah, blah, blah.
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Because like, imagine, let's say an employee, right?
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It says, I don't think this system is working, right?
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People are confused and we keep making the same mistakes.
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And then all of a sudden you have a manager that hears it and it's like, you're just incompetent, right?
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You don't respect, you know, the leadership above you or, you know, the company that's been built on this system.
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But that's not what the employees I try to say, right? The employees has challenged the current system.
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The leaders ego converted that criticism of the system into essentially criticism of self, of him, right, or them.
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Now, the leader is no longer evaluating whether the system actually works or not, right? The leader is protecting an identity.
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And when your identity becomes attached to decisions, questioning the decisions begins to feel almost like questioning you, right?
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And I've been guilty of this, especially in the beginning years of business, right? And you have to realize that, like, sometimes someone, let's say the employee example, if sometimes someone on the ground floor sees the things you don't see, because they got to do it all the time, right?
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If I created the system and the system is flawed, I may hear that, I may receive that or hear that as an evidence that I'm flawed, right?
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Or that my entrepreneurial skills are flawed, right, per se.
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And if I choose the strategy, and the strategy is failing, let's say, in the scenario, I could feel a type of way about it, right? Because changing the strategy means that I'm admitting that I was wrong. And if I'm supposed to be the leader, I may believe that admitting a mistake will make people lose confidence in me. So instead of like investigating the feedback, I start to defend the decision.
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And more closely, my identity is tied to being right.
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Then the more closely, essentially, my identity is tied to being right, the more personal correction feels.
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So why does correction feel so personal? In my opinion, it's because correction threatens an image that we've built ourselves in our own mind.
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And if you're accomplished, people may expect you to have the answers. You are the leader, you may feel the pressure to the pressure to feel certain about a decision or have the answer, right? If you're the provider, feedback from your spouse may feel like a lack of appreciation for everything.
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You've already like done or carried or whatever the case may be, the pressure, the stresses, whatever you want to say, right? If an employee corrects you, you may feel like they're challenging essentially the hierarchy of like, you know, the business, right? The managers and assistant managers, whatever the case may be, right? But if a child, let's say, says something is uncomfortable, it may be easy to just dismiss it and be like, they are comfortable. You're fine. You know, tough it out.
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If a coach corrects you, right, it can expose the distance between your potential and your execution.
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And I will say, this is probably one of the ones that I was kind of mentioning with our 11-week challenge.
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It's like, if I call you out, it's because there is a gap that's starting to be created of where you could be and where you are.
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And you're the one that is affecting it, right?
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But you're also the one that could pull yourself out of it, right? And that immediate reaction is often not about the information so much. It's about protecting your identity, right?
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And that is when essentially, that is when, essentially, defensive thoughts start to begin, right? And those could be, you know, they don't understand everything I'm caring right now.
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They could not do what I do.
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They should appreciate everything I've already done and provided.
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That is not what I meant, right?
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They're just being too sensitive. Who are they to correct me, right? I've been doing this for x about years.
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You know, I've been doing this longer than they have, whatever. Some of those like thoughts may contain valid context, but at the same time, they don't understand everything that you're caring, or maybe they don't understand everything that you're caring, but like, maybe your intent was different from the way your behavior was interpreted also. Maybe the person was delivering feedback, lacks the experience of delivering feedback. But context should help you understand the situation. It should not become a weapon you use to avoid examining yourself or a system or whatever.
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An explanation can essentially give, given provide context, like an explanation can provide context. It doesn't necessarily or automatically erase the impact. You can have a valid reason for feeling stressed and still have spoken disrespectfully. You can have good intentions and still have created confusion. You can carry more than anybody realizes and still need to change how you communicate, right? Two things can be true at the same time.
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And honestly, this is something that like I've learned recently too.
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And that's why I wanted to kind of go into it.
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So your reasons may be understandable. And the feedback may still contain something you need to address or that haven't you haven't addressed well enough. This is where we need to separate confidence from defensiveness, right? Because confidence listens before responding, right? You hear it out before you just try to respond.
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But defensiveness interrupts to explain, right? You're just waiting for them to finish their sentence so you can start talking.
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Like you're not listening at all.
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Confidence can separate an identity from a behavior while defensiveness on the other side treats your criticism as a behavior of personal or the defensiveness treats criticism of behavior as a personal attack, right?
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And confidence on the other hand is coming back and it's like it's asking for specific examples.
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Like can you explain what you mean or just so I understand more clearly, like what do you mean by that, right? But if you're being defensive, right, you just start trying to attack the other person's credibility and like you just started here. You know, you don't know what you're talking about. Like you're not even, you know, at my level, whatever the case may be instead of like asking for explanations, right? If you're confident or have confidence, like you can admit that you can make a mistake, right? People make mistakes. Mistakes is where you grow.
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And just kids, you make it a mistake doesn't mean you're going to collapse or the business, the collapse or whatever, right? But if you're being defensive about the situation, you're, you believe that admitting a mistake is going to create weakness.
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And I will tell you nine times out of the 10 when you are more transparent and you show that you two make mistakes, it allows other people to realize it's okay to make mistakes and grow as well, right?
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They see you more as a person, but also too as like vulnerability also can be a strength, right?
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Confidence can confidence can look it or it looks for essentially useful information, right? But if you're just defense defensive about any situation, right, you're just looking for reasons to reject the information, right? It's like, can you disagree calmly or do you need to win the conversation? Do you look for evidence that supports the change needed or do you double down on trying to protect their original decision, right?
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Because if you're confident, then you would say, look, I trust myself enough to look at the possibility that I was wrong, right?
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I've had to do this multiple times and I've been wrong multiple times, right? But if not, then you're saying a different line and that's, if I admit this, I was wrong.
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And if I'm, if I'm being truthful, I'm afraid that that will change how people see me, right?
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They will see that, you know, and that's where imposter syndrome kind of comes in. The real confidence can survive that correction, right? Because that's where that vulnerability, that humility of being wrong essentially also levels you up. If your confidence requires everybody to agree with you, never question you and never point out a weakness, that's not stable confidence, right?
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That is an identity being protected from evidence, right?
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Being wrong about a decision does not make you worthless.
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Receiving correction does not raise what you have accomplished.
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Changing your mind does not automatically make you weak.
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Sometimes that is the evidence that you care more about getting the right result than protecting an image that you were right from the beginning. Success can make, success can make coachability more difficult, right? Not everybody and not in every situation, but it can be a pattern worth examining, right?
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Or looking at like early in your career, let's say, right? You do need guidance on your career path.
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You just started, right? You do need the feedback and the support. You know that you know that you don't have all the answers when you're early on any journey, right?
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And you're, let's say in your career path.
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As you become more successful, fewer people may feel comfortable challenging you, right? Your previous instincts have produced these amazing results, so you may begin to start trusting your instincts in every situation. Your decisions carry more authority.
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Admitting a mistake may feel now more expensive.
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People may begin to start, people may begin telling you what they think you want to hear and that is going to be your detriment, right? Your success can become evidence you use to dismiss criticism, right? Or feedback.
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As you may start thinking, how can they question me when my decisions have gotten us this far or they built all this?
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But the fact is that the decision worked at one level doesn't mean it works at every level, right?
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Like what I tell people when we're doing their fitness assessment is like, look, you've lost weight before, that's awesome, right?
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And now you're sitting in front of me because there is a pain point, right? You got from point A to point B, but what you're using or what you're doing from getting you to point A to point B does not work to get you to point C, right? So the strength that was created at your first level can become essentially a limitation to your next one, right? Imagine a business owner who built a company by personally solving every single problem.
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In the beginning, that level of involvement helped the company survive.
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The owner essentially answered every question, handled every customer, corrected every mistake, stepped in whenever something went wrong, right? That behavior looked like commitment because at that stage, it may have been exactly what the business needed.
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But as the company grew, the same behavior can start to become micromanagement. The owner now is starting to experience or still experiences that personal involvement, but now it's not essentially commitment, it's dedication, let's say.
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The team experiences it as a lack of trust. The owner believes I'm helping, the team thinks why make a decision if the owner is going to redo it anyways, right? Why even think, let me just be a cog in the wheel. The strength did not suddenly become bad, the contents just changed. What built the company at one stage may prevent it from growing at the next.
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And that is a big, big piece of realization of humble pie when you realize that, right? The higher you rise, the more intentionally you may need to invite the truth because fewer people are willing to volunteer it.
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You may push for honesty, or if you punish honesty with anger or silence or sarcasm or emotional withdrawal, whatever the case you want to be, people will start to learn to protect themselves around you, right? They still may agree in the meeting, they may still nod when you speak, but agreement is not the same as trust. Silence is not the proof that the team sees no problems. Sometimes the silence means people no longer believe telling you the truth is even worse than the risk or the cost. So, feedback feels different depending on who delivers it, right? Kind of going back to the employees thing, like, employees may see operational problems that leadership doesn't from above. And it's like, are people allowed to question the process? Are they encouraged to suggest solutions, right?
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When somebody speaks, honestly, are they punished?
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You know, for it, have you created an environment where agreement is safer than truth? And I personally hope that, like, I have created it where, like, my doors opened in door policy. Like, my trainers have helped solve some of the random operational things that I didn't know where's the problem, right?
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But they had to do it. And once their frustration finally bowled over the, like, dude, is there a faster way to do this? I'm like, yeah, probably. Like, what do you mean?
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And then I was, if I had no idea this took this many steps, like, let's let me find out then my job is now problem solving. Let me solve your problem, make your day easier so that it's a better work environment for you, right? Because then that bleeds out onto the floor and everyone's happy, right? So you don't have to accept every suggestion because leadership does still require a decision process.
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But if nobody can even question the process without being treated like they're the problem, you're going to lose access to information that exists only on the front line, right?
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And this could even go in like your household same, same, same aspect, right? So let's say feedback from your spouse, right? Your spouse often experiences the private version of you, right? Your stress, your patience, your availability, right?
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Your consistency, the promises you keep, the energy you bring home, right? The outside world may celebrate your accomplishments while your spouse experiences the cost of how you are accomplishing them.
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The public success does not cancel the private feedback.
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There are coaches and mentors. And their job is not always to validate your effort, right? Because I've had this, and I bring this up because I've had clients tell me like, you know, why don't you tell me good job all the time? Like I've had trainers that, you know, give me a high five and say, well, do you want to hype man or do you want to coach? Like you want to hype, you want to high five for doing what you needed to do. So then when I do give you a high five or tell you good job or I'm proud of you, it starts to lose its value, right?
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It's like my job is to sometimes identify where your effort is being wasted or where you're slacking off, right?
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I might tell you your intensity is too high, but your intensity is high, right? And then that's awesome, but your technique is shit, right? And I've had members here in the past, like, you know, more so on the guy side that lift crazy, have you wait and be like Devin, look, you know, I'm lifting, like stooping out of weight and I'd walk over and I'd lift it like not lower the weight, like show them that it wasn't impressive. Kind of like give them a little hit of humble pie and it's like, that is awesome.
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Look, this how you do it. And then it's like, but not lower the weight. So you can actually get the good reps in because like that form is shit, you're going to hurt your back, you know. And it's like sometimes it's the the bro ego. And it's like sometimes, you know, it's just to mess with them because that, you know, I am close to a lot of members.
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But at the same time, it's like, I'm telling you not because I'm not telling you to lower the weight because it's like, that's, you know, too crazy. It's like, no, because you're going to hurt yourself, right? You're training hard, but you're not recovering or you're not having you don't have platform.
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So it's like, what, what do you want, right?
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Are you producing content? But the message is unclear.
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Are you making calls? But the offer is weak, like in any area of your life, right? A coach is going to tell you what's what, right? If you're in business, are you leading consistently, consistently, but then not developing other leaders are the corrections that you're the corrections not denying your effort, right? It's questioning whether your effort is creating the result that you want. And then then there's the aspect of like your feedback from, from the children, right?
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Because kids may not have necessarily the words to deliver a polished feedback or criticism or advice, but their behavior, their questions can reveal so much, right? Of what their experience is, like, why are you always working, right?
00:29:55.702 --> 00:29:58.549
Why are you always on your phone?
00:29:58.549 --> 00:30:01.980
Why, you know, you said we're going to play you.
00:30:01.980 --> 00:30:05.241
Are you mad again? Why do you not listen to mommy?
00:30:05.241 --> 00:30:15.490
You know, those interpretations may be incomplete, but the experience behind that statement is still worth examining.
00:30:15.490 --> 00:30:18.833
That leads us to intent versus impact, right?
00:30:18.833 --> 00:30:22.939
Intent is essentially what you meant to communicate or accomplish.
00:30:22.939 --> 00:30:26.288
Impact is what the other person is experiencing, right?
00:30:26.288 --> 00:30:30.282
You intended to be direct, but they experienced humiliation, right?
00:30:30.282 --> 00:30:34.088
You intended to help, but they experienced control or micromanagement.
00:30:34.088 --> 00:30:36.950
You intended to provide, but your family experienced absence.
00:30:36.950 --> 00:31:34.615
You intended to create accountability, but your employee experienced fear. You intended to motivate the person experience constant criticism, right? Good intent matters, but it does not automatically settle the conversation, right? A better response may be something along the lines of look, my intention is not, that was not my intention, but I want to understand how my behavior traded that impact, right? The statement does not mean essentially that you accept every interpretation as completely accurate, and it challenges the feedback so that you can get a better, a better, more well-rounded feedback as well, right? It means you're willing to understand the experience before deciding how to respond, so you can clarify your intention later, right? First, you have to understand what happened on the other side of your behavior. Sometimes feedback contains value even when the delivery is imperfect or is shitty, right?
00:31:34.615 --> 00:31:42.592
It may be delivered emotionally, poorly worded, given at the wrong time, with mixed, mixing with a little exaggeration, right?
00:31:42.592 --> 00:31:50.835
It may come from somebody you do not fully trust, it may even be presented without a perfect solution, right?
00:31:50.835 --> 00:31:54.005
There's just essential criticism of what it feels like.
00:31:54.005 --> 00:32:03.077
None of that automatically makes the feedback feel true, but none of it automatically makes the feedback false either.
00:32:03.077 --> 00:32:07.872
You have to ask yourself essentially a couple questions, right?
00:32:07.872 --> 00:32:12.861
That first, like, is there a specific behavior underneath that emotion?
00:32:12.861 --> 00:32:19.496
Is there, or have I heard a similar concern from anybody else? Have I gotten this feedback before?
00:32:19.496 --> 00:32:23.619
What part of this feedback is verifiably true?
00:32:23.619 --> 00:32:36.827
Or you could ask yourself, like, what would I change if I removed that person's tone or body language and examine just the information if someone texted it to me, right?
00:32:36.827 --> 00:32:45.015
Because sometimes poor delivery can reduce the effectiveness of feedback, but it does not automatically make the feedback false.
00:32:45.015 --> 00:33:24.227
At the same time, being coachable does not require accepting insults, manipulation, accusations, or repeated disrespect. Like, you can say something along the lines of as well as like, look, I'm willing to discuss the issue, but what I'm not willing to continue is the conversation in this tone or the way you're speaking. We're adults. That protects your standards without having to use the delivery as it is used to avoid the issue or the situation, right? But you can reject the disrespectful tone or disrespectful environment, let's say, and still return later to examine the information.
00:33:19.430 --> 00:33:36.195
So what you shouldn't do when correction triggers an immediate, like, defensive reaction, essentially, is what I've learned essentially as a process called clear, right? C is stands for a catch the reaction, right?
00:33:36.195 --> 00:33:49.959
You catch the reaction on someone's face, body language, whatever, right? Notice what happens in your body as well in your behavior, right? Your jaw tightens, your voice rises, you speak faster, you interrupt, whatever, right? You get defensive, right?
00:33:49.959 --> 00:34:00.977
You begin trying to cut in before the person even finishes talking, right? Catch that reaction before the reaction controls the conversation. Then you have L, right? And that stands for listen.
00:34:00.977 --> 00:34:05.597
Listen without preparing your defense, let the person finish.
00:34:05.597 --> 00:34:15.036
If you're confused, have them summarize it, and or you can summarize back what you heard. E stands for extract, right?
00:34:15.036 --> 00:34:23.976
Extract the observable, observable facts, right? What specifically happened? When did it happen? What was the impact, right?
00:34:23.976 --> 00:34:26.309
Something like that, right? A stands for ask.
00:34:26.309 --> 00:34:30.538
How could I've handled that differently?
00:34:26.309 --> 00:34:37.021
What are you seeing that I may be missing? Can you give me a specific example?
00:34:37.021 --> 00:34:44.268
Those things. And then you come down to R, which is reflection, right? Or response after reflection, right?
00:34:44.268 --> 00:34:52.407
Your response may be accepting the feedback, testing a change, requesting more information, establishing the boundary, right?
00:34:52.407 --> 00:35:05.360
Or even calmly disagreeing, right? If needed, you can even return to the conversation after you've had some time to sit and think about it. I've had to do that multiple times.
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:07.389
You do not have to agree immediately.
00:35:07.389 --> 00:35:39.893
You can be like, look, let's put a pin in this and come back to it. I just I need to sit with it for a minute. You do not need to understand everything accurately right away. Or you do need to understand everything accurately, right? So that's when you ask those questions, right? And so what do defensive life high performers often do after they're criticized? They try to prove themselves through more effort, right? Sales are down. So what do we do?
00:35:39.893 --> 00:35:46.036
Let's go make more calls, right? But maybe it's not the calls at all. Maybe it's the offer.
00:35:46.036 --> 00:35:48.713
Employees are struggling. So what does the owner do?
00:35:48.713 --> 00:36:03.181
You know, takes the work back instead of improving their training, right? Fitness results stall. So the person adds more more workouts without examining what is maybe maybe it's your recovery, maybe it's your nutrition, right? A relationship feels disconnected.
00:36:03.181 --> 00:36:27.221
So somebody just buys gifts instead of having a conversation of like what's going on, right? Like you have to think like you have to evaluate, right? Correction tells something that may need to be changed, right? But your ego responds by doing more of the same thing so it can avoid the hard thing, right? That response feels like disciplined. It feels committed.
00:36:27.221 --> 00:36:48.146
It feels like leadership, but the effort is only intelligent when it's aimed at the problem. You can't solve the problem if you don't know the problem. Not every problem is an effort problem. Before you work harder, identify the problem, the category of the category problem, right? Is it an effort problem?
00:36:48.146 --> 00:36:52.440
Or is it a skill problem? Maybe it's a strategy problem.
00:36:52.440 --> 00:36:57.432
Like you have to think about these things.
00:36:57.432 --> 00:37:04.012
Maybe it's your systems. Like if you don't know what the problem is, then how are you going to know?
00:37:04.012 --> 00:37:10.690
Because maybe all those things are good, but there's a disconnect in the delegation, right? Top down, right?
00:37:13.190 --> 00:37:34.911
And so it's all those things to say is like if you don't know what the problem is, then you can't solve it, right? Is the problem in just like your team having the courage to take risks? Have you created an environment for that? Is it a patience problem, right?
00:37:34.911 --> 00:37:42.652
Do you have a little bit of patience so that you can see the results, right? Is it a capacity problem?
00:37:42.652 --> 00:37:49.672
Does the goal exceed the available time, money, energy, staffing, or infrastructure? Like what is the problem, right?
00:37:49.672 --> 00:38:02.099
When a skill is missing, effort without instruction can reinforce bad habits. When a system is broken, effort creates temporary heroics instead of reliable results. When courage is missing, staying busy can become a way of avoiding a decision.
00:38:02.099 --> 00:38:07.918
When patience is missing, effort can cause you to abandon something before it has a chance to even work.
00:38:07.918 --> 00:38:18.931
With capacity as the problem, more effort creates burnout without changing the math. This is the difference between commitment and unnecessary struggle. Commitment stays loyal to the mission.
00:38:18.931 --> 00:38:21.911
Your ego stays loyal to your original method.
00:38:21.911 --> 00:38:42.650
Commitment asks like what is working. Ego says, how do I prove that I was right? And so research on you have to do your own research on like, do I need to change the tactics or direction or systems or whatever?
00:38:45.280 --> 00:39:12.998
Instead of just being like, look, changing the direction is admitting defeat, right? And so we, or there's been research on like the something cost effect essentially, which has found like previous investments of time, money, effort can increase a person's tendency to continue and endeavor. And what I mean by that is we may keep investing because of what we have already spent.
00:39:12.998 --> 00:39:55.224
And even though like past event investments, even though those past investments cannot be recovered, right? So imagine a company has invested heavily in service customers, right? A service a customer doesn't want. Leadership continues to spend because they don't want to or because stopping would mean admitting that the original decision was wrong. But the intelligent question is not like, how much have we already invested? The intelligent question would be, knowing what we know today, would we continue to choose this strategy again, right? The past investment explains why the decision feels difficult, but it doesn't automatically justify one investment or another, right?
00:39:55.224 --> 00:40:03.835
And changing the direction, changing the tactics does not mean the mission is no longer that no longer matters.
00:40:03.835 --> 00:40:09.945
Sometimes it means the mission matters enough to stop wasting resources on a method is not working, right?
00:40:09.945 --> 00:41:07.856
There is more important, there's there's one more important distinction, right? Feedback is not automatically effective simply because it is feedback. Feedback is not automatically effective simply because it is feedback. Right, so I just want to kind of like tie this up a little bit with like, I just want you to know that in kind of remember that sometimes the next level requires you to work harder. Yes, sometimes it requires you to listen though. Sometimes it requires you to learn a new skill. Sometimes it requires you to build a system that wasn't built before. Sometimes it requires you to delegate tasks that you thought were you're the the A player on it.
00:41:07.856 --> 00:41:14.436
It's like so are other people delegate it so you can grow the business and grow and everyone can grow.
00:41:14.436 --> 00:41:21.614
Sometimes it requires patience and not patience like of like, you know, waiting for someone like just time.
00:41:21.614 --> 00:41:39.833
Sometimes it requires uncomfortable conversations and it could also require you to admit that the strategy was broken or that it is now broken. The breakthrough may be sitting inside the correction that you keep calling disrespectful or disrespect.
00:41:39.833 --> 00:41:48.382
The answer may not be another hour, another call, another post, another workout, another late night. It may just be better questions.
00:41:48.382 --> 00:41:57.840
A more honest diagnosis of what's going on, a different strategy or enough humility to hear what somebody is actually trying to tell you. So ask yourself two questions.
00:41:57.840 --> 00:42:00.440
This is what I'll wrap up with.
00:42:03.590 --> 00:42:12.568
Can I be corrected without feeling disrespected and am I solving the right problem or am I only working harder on the wrong one to prove that I'm right?
00:42:12.568 --> 00:42:26.806
So again, can I be corrected without feeling disrespected and am I solving the right problem or am I only working harder on the wrong one to prove that I'm right?
00:42:26.806 --> 00:42:37.795
If this episode made you think of somebody who works incredibly hard but maybe too close to the problem to see it clearly, please share this with them, right?
00:42:37.795 --> 00:42:48.523
And before this week ends, I want to invite you, I want to invite one correction you would normally avoid and diagnose that problem, right? Before adding any more effort.
00:42:48.523 --> 00:42:56.653
If you guys need anything, feel free to reach out to me. You guys know I appreciate you all.
00:42:56.653 --> 00:43:00.360
I love you guys and I'll see you guys on the next one. Peace.
00:00:01.042 --> 00:00:03.138
Welcome back to the mindset cafe podcast.
00:00:03.138 --> 00:00:16.286
It's your boy Devin. And today, we are connecting two patterns that honestly, they may look a little bit different on the surface, but often they kind of come from the same place, right? The inability to receive correction, right?
00:00:16.286 --> 00:00:25.580
Or feedback, let's say, right? And the tendency to try to solve every problem by working harder.
00:00:19.844 --> 00:00:31.592
When somebody identifies a weakness in maybe our approach, right? We have normally two basic options. We can examine the feedback and adjust.
00:00:31.592 --> 00:00:46.088
Or we can defend the approach and work harder to prove that this should work, right? And I will say I am guilty of both, right? At the end of the day, one response protects the mission, right?
00:00:42.722 --> 00:00:46.088
The other protects your ego.
00:00:46.088 --> 00:01:17.528
But sometimes we confuse the two. So in this episode, honestly, like this is, it kind of stems from the 11 week challenge that we got going on here at Shop 11 Fitness and some other things, you know, that even myself, I've dealt with over the years and fitness in business and so forth that I've seen it, I've received it, you know, from giving advice, getting advice, all that.
00:01:17.528 --> 00:01:23.893
So this episode is not about accepting everything anybody says about you, right? Because that'd be fucking crazy, right?
00:01:23.893 --> 00:01:27.034
Some feedback is wrong, right? Some feedback is incomplete.
00:01:27.034 --> 00:01:34.170
Some people deliver feedback poorly, right? And some people are just straight up disrespectful, right? Some criticism is given, right?
00:01:34.170 --> 00:01:40.344
Or feedback is given. And it's given as a manipulation, right? Wearing the clothes of honesty, right?
00:01:40.344 --> 00:01:42.802
Wearing this like this mask of honesty.
00:01:42.802 --> 00:02:03.456
But if your first response to every time you receive a correction or advice or feedback is to defend yourself and attack the messenger or explain the context of why you're doing what you're doing or work harder at the same strategy, or even maybe let's say rejecting the information in, you know, as whole.
00:02:03.456 --> 00:02:17.856
And it's like some of that information you may need, right? The real question is not, did I like how that feedback felt? Because honestly, at the end of the day, success, growth, all that has nothing to do with your feelings.
00:02:17.856 --> 00:02:19.831
It doesn't care how you feel, right?
00:02:19.831 --> 00:02:34.131
The real question is, is there any truth in this that can help me improve? Is there anything truthful here that can help me improve, right? So I want to begin with like that distinction that people often blur, right?
00:02:34.131 --> 00:02:36.866
Because correction is not automatically just disrespectful.
00:02:36.866 --> 00:02:39.639
Someone's not correcting you to be mean, right?
00:02:39.639 --> 00:02:46.176
Because most of the time, I mean, I will say sometimes I'm very blunt and I'm not sorry for it.
00:02:46.176 --> 00:03:02.177
That's just the way I am. I try to sugarcoat things sometimes, but sometimes it can come off disrespectful, but it's not like I only give feedback or advice because I care, right? Or because I truly want to see you succeed.
00:03:02.177 --> 00:03:09.062
And if I see something from an outside perspective, let's say, I'm going to give you my opinion, don't take it.
00:03:09.062 --> 00:03:21.122
It doesn't do anything to me whether you use my information or not, right? And a little story time real quick, a little side note, this is that kind of that saying of like it does nothing for me.
00:03:21.122 --> 00:03:32.977
Maybe think about when I joined RBO a couple of years ago, real business owners, and in the lower level group, right? You know, everyone is the same level, right?
00:03:32.977 --> 00:03:49.507
And same has the same amount of sway on the platform, you know, when you're speaking or giving advice and so forth, right? And then I ended up moving up to the upper level group, right? The big bombs, the OGs.
00:03:49.507 --> 00:03:53.424
And now I'm sitting with real business owners, right?
00:03:53.424 --> 00:04:12.814
Not to say lower levels aren't real business owners, but in my mind, all of a sudden, now I'm sitting around like the big dogs. And at the time, we had just opened up strife. We had maybe been open for two years, right? Yeah, I had a personal training business before that.
00:04:12.814 --> 00:04:15.313
It was six figures, you know, blah, blah, blah.
00:04:15.313 --> 00:04:18.889
But it's like now that like, that was being a solopreneur.
00:04:18.889 --> 00:04:31.276
This is like the first time I'm actually an entrepreneur and have employees and so forth. And I'm sitting with people that have been in business for, you know, 10 plus years.
00:04:31.276 --> 00:04:53.377
And I'm here brand new in business, you know, not only was my business the newest business in the upper level group, I was probably one of one of if not the youngest person in that group, right? And the meetup, because we did quarterly meetups. And so I had joined, we had to do an interview and everything like that. A couple of people did interviews and, you know, I not picked to move up.
00:04:53.377 --> 00:05:14.086
And so it just so happened that there was a quarterly meetup like the next month. So I ended up going to Rosarito, Mexico. We helped build a little playground and stuff for this church or something. And on the second day, we you do what's around, you know, a round table or breakout tables.
00:05:14.086 --> 00:05:32.778
So there is no escaping. There is no hiding in the back is not a seminar. Like everyone's in a circle, right? And tables. And then essentially you say what's going well in your business. And then you say what's going wrong in your business or what you need help on, right?
00:05:32.778 --> 00:05:40.783
Now mind you, it just so happened that where I was sitting, like I ended up being the last person.
00:05:40.783 --> 00:05:43.716
And so to talk about my business, right?
00:05:43.716 --> 00:06:26.800
And my thought process going into that I was, believe me, I had a fat sense of imposter syndrome, you know, going into it. And I told myself ahead of time, like I'm going to give the advice that I think is good, like to to these people that are above me and I had a higher level. Because in my head, I was like, you know what, like we're all here together, we're all trying to get better. But at the same time, like what if I have something that I've experienced that maybe they haven't experienced in their, you know, 10 years yet, right?
00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:39.762
Something along my life's journey that I've experienced or seen someone else experience and can give that valuable piece of information that could help them overcome their problem, right?
00:06:39.762 --> 00:06:57.615
That would be doing them a disservice by holding that back because I'm scared that they're going to think I'm, you know, a little rookie in business or it's give me like a pat on the head. I had to think about it and was like, what's the worst thing that's going to happen?
00:06:57.615 --> 00:07:00.673
You can give me a pat on the head, right?
00:07:00.673 --> 00:07:10.165
I told them at the end, I was like, my goal, I was like, I was like, I hope you guys, you know, at least appreciate some of the information.
00:07:10.165 --> 00:07:14.307
I hope you guys can use some of the information.
00:07:14.307 --> 00:07:22.120
I was like, at the end of the day, like, you know, use it, don't use it, like does does nothing for me, whether you use it or not.
00:07:22.120 --> 00:08:00.762
My whole goal was just to give you some value or give you some outside perspective. And honestly, like that, like saying that and stepping outside my comfort zone, like, a couple of people did come up to me afterwards and was gave me like my props, like, dude, like, you're really smart, blah, blah, blah, you're like, you're levels above what you think you are, whatever, right? But it's the whole fact of like, I could have not gave feedback because I was scared of giving feedback. But genuinely, whether someone took it in the wrong way or not, or like, you're just, you know, new in business, like, you don't know what you're talking about.
00:08:00.762 --> 00:08:13.475
It's like, my whole thing is giving feedback was like, your, maybe I have a piece of knowledge that could solve your problem or give you a flicker of light in a direction that you know that could solve your problem.
00:08:13.475 --> 00:09:23.938
Now, everyone there, from least my, my side seemed receptive of it, right? But they could have not have been, it could have felt disrespectful to them. But at the end of the day, they had to ask themselves, is there any truth in what he is saying that can help me improve with this, right? And realize that advice, sometimes the advice comes from someone outside your, your zone or your, you know, your industry or outside of what you're currently doing just because they can see it from a different lens, right? But sorry, that went off in a tangent, want to circle back to what we're talking about. Right, so corrections not automatically disrespectful, I think is what we were talking about. And so, correction challenges of behavior, right? It challenges a decision or a result or a approach and disrespect attacks your dignity, right? Your character, your basic, essentially self-worth or worth, right?
00:09:20.535 --> 00:09:48.461
And so, a person can challenge your decision without challenging you, like your authority, your character or anything like that. A person can disagree with you without disrespecting you is what I'm trying to get at, right? And somebody can deliver a correction poorly without being completely wrong. Sometimes my bluntness is delivered poorly and I probably could have delivered it better.
00:09:43.143 --> 00:09:56.078
And so, it doesn't mean that what I'm saying is wrong, it's just, I could have probably handled it better or delivered it better.
00:09:56.078 --> 00:10:16.635
So, one thing I've learned is if I see someone and I give them advice or whatever it is feedback and I notice their facial expression doesn't resemble what I was trying to convey, I'll ask them, like, does that make sense or like do you get what I'm saying or why I'm saying it?
00:10:16.635 --> 00:10:20.669
And kind of like ask, like, you know, are you good?
00:10:20.669 --> 00:10:23.196
So, like, I didn't mean any disrespect by it.
00:10:23.196 --> 00:10:26.476
This is why I was saying it, blah, blah, blah.
00:10:26.476 --> 00:10:29.825
Because like, imagine, let's say an employee, right?
00:10:29.825 --> 00:10:33.399
It says, I don't think this system is working, right?
00:10:33.399 --> 00:10:36.664
People are confused and we keep making the same mistakes.
00:10:36.664 --> 00:10:43.336
And then all of a sudden you have a manager that hears it and it's like, you're just incompetent, right?
00:10:43.336 --> 00:10:49.759
You don't respect, you know, the leadership above you or, you know, the company that's been built on this system.
00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:56.212
But that's not what the employees I try to say, right? The employees has challenged the current system.
00:10:56.212 --> 00:11:02.768
The leaders ego converted that criticism of the system into essentially criticism of self, of him, right, or them.
00:11:02.768 --> 00:11:10.999
Now, the leader is no longer evaluating whether the system actually works or not, right? The leader is protecting an identity.
00:11:10.999 --> 00:11:19.852
And when your identity becomes attached to decisions, questioning the decisions begins to feel almost like questioning you, right?
00:11:19.852 --> 00:11:39.222
And I've been guilty of this, especially in the beginning years of business, right? And you have to realize that, like, sometimes someone, let's say the employee example, if sometimes someone on the ground floor sees the things you don't see, because they got to do it all the time, right?
00:11:39.222 --> 00:11:48.841
If I created the system and the system is flawed, I may hear that, I may receive that or hear that as an evidence that I'm flawed, right?
00:11:48.841 --> 00:11:52.109
Or that my entrepreneurial skills are flawed, right, per se.
00:11:52.109 --> 00:12:25.784
And if I choose the strategy, and the strategy is failing, let's say, in the scenario, I could feel a type of way about it, right? Because changing the strategy means that I'm admitting that I was wrong. And if I'm supposed to be the leader, I may believe that admitting a mistake will make people lose confidence in me. So instead of like investigating the feedback, I start to defend the decision.
00:12:25.784 --> 00:12:29.480
And more closely, my identity is tied to being right.
00:12:31.979 --> 00:12:41.847
Then the more closely, essentially, my identity is tied to being right, the more personal correction feels.
00:12:36.636 --> 00:12:51.275
So why does correction feel so personal? In my opinion, it's because correction threatens an image that we've built ourselves in our own mind.
00:12:51.275 --> 00:13:13.751
And if you're accomplished, people may expect you to have the answers. You are the leader, you may feel the pressure to the pressure to feel certain about a decision or have the answer, right? If you're the provider, feedback from your spouse may feel like a lack of appreciation for everything.
00:13:13.751 --> 00:13:47.765
You've already like done or carried or whatever the case may be, the pressure, the stresses, whatever you want to say, right? If an employee corrects you, you may feel like they're challenging essentially the hierarchy of like, you know, the business, right? The managers and assistant managers, whatever the case may be, right? But if a child, let's say, says something is uncomfortable, it may be easy to just dismiss it and be like, they are comfortable. You're fine. You know, tough it out.
00:13:47.765 --> 00:13:57.941
If a coach corrects you, right, it can expose the distance between your potential and your execution.
00:13:52.957 --> 00:14:05.471
And I will say, this is probably one of the ones that I was kind of mentioning with our 11-week challenge.
00:14:02.225 --> 00:14:14.748
It's like, if I call you out, it's because there is a gap that's starting to be created of where you could be and where you are.
00:14:14.748 --> 00:14:18.153
And you're the one that is affecting it, right?
00:14:18.153 --> 00:14:29.551
But you're also the one that could pull yourself out of it, right? And that immediate reaction is often not about the information so much. It's about protecting your identity, right?
00:14:29.551 --> 00:14:48.791
And that is when essentially, that is when, essentially, defensive thoughts start to begin, right? And those could be, you know, they don't understand everything I'm caring right now.
00:14:48.791 --> 00:14:50.585
They could not do what I do.
00:14:50.585 --> 00:14:54.232
They should appreciate everything I've already done and provided.
00:14:54.232 --> 00:14:56.085
That is not what I meant, right?
00:14:56.085 --> 00:15:03.120
They're just being too sensitive. Who are they to correct me, right? I've been doing this for x about years.
00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:40.283
You know, I've been doing this longer than they have, whatever. Some of those like thoughts may contain valid context, but at the same time, they don't understand everything that you're caring, or maybe they don't understand everything that you're caring, but like, maybe your intent was different from the way your behavior was interpreted also. Maybe the person was delivering feedback, lacks the experience of delivering feedback. But context should help you understand the situation. It should not become a weapon you use to avoid examining yourself or a system or whatever.
00:15:40.283 --> 00:16:53.517
An explanation can essentially give, given provide context, like an explanation can provide context. It doesn't necessarily or automatically erase the impact. You can have a valid reason for feeling stressed and still have spoken disrespectfully. You can have good intentions and still have created confusion. You can carry more than anybody realizes and still need to change how you communicate, right? Two things can be true at the same time.
00:16:53.517 --> 00:16:56.864
And honestly, this is something that like I've learned recently too.
00:16:56.864 --> 00:17:00.238
And that's why I wanted to kind of go into it.
00:17:00.238 --> 00:17:20.297
So your reasons may be understandable. And the feedback may still contain something you need to address or that haven't you haven't addressed well enough. This is where we need to separate confidence from defensiveness, right? Because confidence listens before responding, right? You hear it out before you just try to respond.
00:17:20.297 --> 00:17:30.886
But defensiveness interrupts to explain, right? You're just waiting for them to finish their sentence so you can start talking.
00:17:30.886 --> 00:17:36.174
Like you're not listening at all.
00:17:30.886 --> 00:17:46.666
Confidence can separate an identity from a behavior while defensiveness on the other side treats your criticism as a behavior of personal or the defensiveness treats criticism of behavior as a personal attack, right?
00:17:46.666 --> 00:17:53.368
And confidence on the other hand is coming back and it's like it's asking for specific examples.
00:17:50.061 --> 00:18:26.801
Like can you explain what you mean or just so I understand more clearly, like what do you mean by that, right? But if you're being defensive, right, you just start trying to attack the other person's credibility and like you just started here. You know, you don't know what you're talking about. Like you're not even, you know, at my level, whatever the case may be instead of like asking for explanations, right? If you're confident or have confidence, like you can admit that you can make a mistake, right? People make mistakes. Mistakes is where you grow.
00:18:26.801 --> 00:18:39.762
And just kids, you make it a mistake doesn't mean you're going to collapse or the business, the collapse or whatever, right? But if you're being defensive about the situation, you're, you believe that admitting a mistake is going to create weakness.
00:18:39.762 --> 00:18:54.243
And I will tell you nine times out of the 10 when you are more transparent and you show that you two make mistakes, it allows other people to realize it's okay to make mistakes and grow as well, right?
00:18:54.243 --> 00:19:00.027
They see you more as a person, but also too as like vulnerability also can be a strength, right?
00:19:00.027 --> 00:19:30.671
Confidence can confidence can look it or it looks for essentially useful information, right? But if you're just defense defensive about any situation, right, you're just looking for reasons to reject the information, right? It's like, can you disagree calmly or do you need to win the conversation? Do you look for evidence that supports the change needed or do you double down on trying to protect their original decision, right?
00:19:26.835 --> 00:19:38.964
Because if you're confident, then you would say, look, I trust myself enough to look at the possibility that I was wrong, right?
00:19:38.964 --> 00:19:55.188
I've had to do this multiple times and I've been wrong multiple times, right? But if not, then you're saying a different line and that's, if I admit this, I was wrong.
00:19:55.188 --> 00:20:01.348
And if I'm, if I'm being truthful, I'm afraid that that will change how people see me, right?
00:20:01.348 --> 00:20:25.397
They will see that, you know, and that's where imposter syndrome kind of comes in. The real confidence can survive that correction, right? Because that's where that vulnerability, that humility of being wrong essentially also levels you up. If your confidence requires everybody to agree with you, never question you and never point out a weakness, that's not stable confidence, right?
00:20:25.397 --> 00:20:28.982
That is an identity being protected from evidence, right?
00:20:28.982 --> 00:20:33.751
Being wrong about a decision does not make you worthless.
00:20:33.751 --> 00:20:37.279
Receiving correction does not raise what you have accomplished.
00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:40.664
Changing your mind does not automatically make you weak.
00:20:40.664 --> 00:20:59.577
Sometimes that is the evidence that you care more about getting the right result than protecting an image that you were right from the beginning. Success can make, success can make coachability more difficult, right? Not everybody and not in every situation, but it can be a pattern worth examining, right?
00:20:59.577 --> 00:21:05.045
Or looking at like early in your career, let's say, right? You do need guidance on your career path.
00:21:05.045 --> 00:21:19.131
You just started, right? You do need the feedback and the support. You know that you know that you don't have all the answers when you're early on any journey, right?
00:21:19.131 --> 00:21:22.465
And you're, let's say in your career path.
00:21:22.465 --> 00:21:41.594
As you become more successful, fewer people may feel comfortable challenging you, right? Your previous instincts have produced these amazing results, so you may begin to start trusting your instincts in every situation. Your decisions carry more authority.
00:21:41.594 --> 00:21:44.041
Admitting a mistake may feel now more expensive.
00:21:44.041 --> 00:21:59.685
People may begin to start, people may begin telling you what they think you want to hear and that is going to be your detriment, right? Your success can become evidence you use to dismiss criticism, right? Or feedback.
00:21:56.339 --> 00:22:07.215
As you may start thinking, how can they question me when my decisions have gotten us this far or they built all this?
00:22:07.215 --> 00:22:14.702
But the fact is that the decision worked at one level doesn't mean it works at every level, right?
00:22:14.702 --> 00:22:23.878
Like what I tell people when we're doing their fitness assessment is like, look, you've lost weight before, that's awesome, right?
00:22:23.878 --> 00:22:52.751
And now you're sitting in front of me because there is a pain point, right? You got from point A to point B, but what you're using or what you're doing from getting you to point A to point B does not work to get you to point C, right? So the strength that was created at your first level can become essentially a limitation to your next one, right? Imagine a business owner who built a company by personally solving every single problem.
00:22:52.751 --> 00:22:56.970
In the beginning, that level of involvement helped the company survive.
00:22:56.970 --> 00:23:13.682
The owner essentially answered every question, handled every customer, corrected every mistake, stepped in whenever something went wrong, right? That behavior looked like commitment because at that stage, it may have been exactly what the business needed.
00:23:13.682 --> 00:23:31.459
But as the company grew, the same behavior can start to become micromanagement. The owner now is starting to experience or still experiences that personal involvement, but now it's not essentially commitment, it's dedication, let's say.
00:23:28.093 --> 00:23:54.942
The team experiences it as a lack of trust. The owner believes I'm helping, the team thinks why make a decision if the owner is going to redo it anyways, right? Why even think, let me just be a cog in the wheel. The strength did not suddenly become bad, the contents just changed. What built the company at one stage may prevent it from growing at the next.
00:23:54.942 --> 00:24:07.436
And that is a big, big piece of realization of humble pie when you realize that, right? The higher you rise, the more intentionally you may need to invite the truth because fewer people are willing to volunteer it.
00:24:07.436 --> 00:25:06.239
You may push for honesty, or if you punish honesty with anger or silence or sarcasm or emotional withdrawal, whatever the case you want to be, people will start to learn to protect themselves around you, right? They still may agree in the meeting, they may still nod when you speak, but agreement is not the same as trust. Silence is not the proof that the team sees no problems. Sometimes the silence means people no longer believe telling you the truth is even worse than the risk or the cost. So, feedback feels different depending on who delivers it, right? Kind of going back to the employees thing, like, employees may see operational problems that leadership doesn't from above. And it's like, are people allowed to question the process? Are they encouraged to suggest solutions, right?
00:25:06.239 --> 00:25:08.502
When somebody speaks, honestly, are they punished?
00:25:08.502 --> 00:25:31.530
You know, for it, have you created an environment where agreement is safer than truth? And I personally hope that, like, I have created it where, like, my doors opened in door policy. Like, my trainers have helped solve some of the random operational things that I didn't know where's the problem, right?
00:25:31.530 --> 00:25:41.733
But they had to do it. And once their frustration finally bowled over the, like, dude, is there a faster way to do this? I'm like, yeah, probably. Like, what do you mean?
00:25:41.733 --> 00:26:07.896
And then I was, if I had no idea this took this many steps, like, let's let me find out then my job is now problem solving. Let me solve your problem, make your day easier so that it's a better work environment for you, right? Because then that bleeds out onto the floor and everyone's happy, right? So you don't have to accept every suggestion because leadership does still require a decision process.
00:26:07.896 --> 00:26:18.404
But if nobody can even question the process without being treated like they're the problem, you're going to lose access to information that exists only on the front line, right?
00:26:18.404 --> 00:26:34.577
And this could even go in like your household same, same, same aspect, right? So let's say feedback from your spouse, right? Your spouse often experiences the private version of you, right? Your stress, your patience, your availability, right?
00:26:34.577 --> 00:26:47.338
Your consistency, the promises you keep, the energy you bring home, right? The outside world may celebrate your accomplishments while your spouse experiences the cost of how you are accomplishing them.
00:26:47.338 --> 00:26:50.134
The public success does not cancel the private feedback.
00:26:50.134 --> 00:27:32.871
There are coaches and mentors. And their job is not always to validate your effort, right? Because I've had this, and I bring this up because I've had clients tell me like, you know, why don't you tell me good job all the time? Like I've had trainers that, you know, give me a high five and say, well, do you want to hype man or do you want to coach? Like you want to hype, you want to high five for doing what you needed to do. So then when I do give you a high five or tell you good job or I'm proud of you, it starts to lose its value, right?
00:27:32.871 --> 00:27:42.459
It's like my job is to sometimes identify where your effort is being wasted or where you're slacking off, right?
00:27:42.459 --> 00:28:19.811
I might tell you your intensity is too high, but your intensity is high, right? And then that's awesome, but your technique is shit, right? And I've had members here in the past, like, you know, more so on the guy side that lift crazy, have you wait and be like Devin, look, you know, I'm lifting, like stooping out of weight and I'd walk over and I'd lift it like not lower the weight, like show them that it wasn't impressive. Kind of like give them a little hit of humble pie and it's like, that is awesome.
00:28:19.811 --> 00:28:42.631
Look, this how you do it. And then it's like, but not lower the weight. So you can actually get the good reps in because like that form is shit, you're going to hurt your back, you know. And it's like sometimes it's the the bro ego. And it's like sometimes, you know, it's just to mess with them because that, you know, I am close to a lot of members.
00:28:42.631 --> 00:29:05.468
But at the same time, it's like, I'm telling you not because I'm not telling you to lower the weight because it's like, that's, you know, too crazy. It's like, no, because you're going to hurt yourself, right? You're training hard, but you're not recovering or you're not having you don't have platform.
00:29:05.468 --> 00:29:07.914
So it's like, what, what do you want, right?
00:29:07.914 --> 00:29:10.603
Are you producing content? But the message is unclear.
00:29:10.603 --> 00:29:41.535
Are you making calls? But the offer is weak, like in any area of your life, right? A coach is going to tell you what's what, right? If you're in business, are you leading consistently, consistently, but then not developing other leaders are the corrections that you're the corrections not denying your effort, right? It's questioning whether your effort is creating the result that you want. And then then there's the aspect of like your feedback from, from the children, right?
00:29:41.535 --> 00:29:55.702
Because kids may not have necessarily the words to deliver a polished feedback or criticism or advice, but their behavior, their questions can reveal so much, right? Of what their experience is, like, why are you always working, right?
00:29:55.702 --> 00:29:58.549
Why are you always on your phone?
00:29:58.549 --> 00:30:01.980
Why, you know, you said we're going to play you.
00:30:01.980 --> 00:30:05.241
Are you mad again? Why do you not listen to mommy?
00:30:05.241 --> 00:30:15.490
You know, those interpretations may be incomplete, but the experience behind that statement is still worth examining.
00:30:15.490 --> 00:30:18.833
That leads us to intent versus impact, right?
00:30:18.833 --> 00:30:22.939
Intent is essentially what you meant to communicate or accomplish.
00:30:22.939 --> 00:30:26.288
Impact is what the other person is experiencing, right?
00:30:26.288 --> 00:30:30.282
You intended to be direct, but they experienced humiliation, right?
00:30:30.282 --> 00:30:34.088
You intended to help, but they experienced control or micromanagement.
00:30:34.088 --> 00:30:36.950
You intended to provide, but your family experienced absence.
00:30:36.950 --> 00:31:34.615
You intended to create accountability, but your employee experienced fear. You intended to motivate the person experience constant criticism, right? Good intent matters, but it does not automatically settle the conversation, right? A better response may be something along the lines of look, my intention is not, that was not my intention, but I want to understand how my behavior traded that impact, right? The statement does not mean essentially that you accept every interpretation as completely accurate, and it challenges the feedback so that you can get a better, a better, more well-rounded feedback as well, right? It means you're willing to understand the experience before deciding how to respond, so you can clarify your intention later, right? First, you have to understand what happened on the other side of your behavior. Sometimes feedback contains value even when the delivery is imperfect or is shitty, right?
00:31:34.615 --> 00:31:42.592
It may be delivered emotionally, poorly worded, given at the wrong time, with mixed, mixing with a little exaggeration, right?
00:31:42.592 --> 00:31:50.835
It may come from somebody you do not fully trust, it may even be presented without a perfect solution, right?
00:31:50.835 --> 00:31:54.005
There's just essential criticism of what it feels like.
00:31:54.005 --> 00:32:03.077
None of that automatically makes the feedback feel true, but none of it automatically makes the feedback false either.
00:32:03.077 --> 00:32:07.872
You have to ask yourself essentially a couple questions, right?
00:32:07.872 --> 00:32:12.861
That first, like, is there a specific behavior underneath that emotion?
00:32:12.861 --> 00:32:19.496
Is there, or have I heard a similar concern from anybody else? Have I gotten this feedback before?
00:32:19.496 --> 00:32:23.619
What part of this feedback is verifiably true?
00:32:23.619 --> 00:32:36.827
Or you could ask yourself, like, what would I change if I removed that person's tone or body language and examine just the information if someone texted it to me, right?
00:32:36.827 --> 00:32:45.015
Because sometimes poor delivery can reduce the effectiveness of feedback, but it does not automatically make the feedback false.
00:32:45.015 --> 00:33:24.227
At the same time, being coachable does not require accepting insults, manipulation, accusations, or repeated disrespect. Like, you can say something along the lines of as well as like, look, I'm willing to discuss the issue, but what I'm not willing to continue is the conversation in this tone or the way you're speaking. We're adults. That protects your standards without having to use the delivery as it is used to avoid the issue or the situation, right? But you can reject the disrespectful tone or disrespectful environment, let's say, and still return later to examine the information.
00:33:19.430 --> 00:33:36.195
So what you shouldn't do when correction triggers an immediate, like, defensive reaction, essentially, is what I've learned essentially as a process called clear, right? C is stands for a catch the reaction, right?
00:33:36.195 --> 00:33:49.959
You catch the reaction on someone's face, body language, whatever, right? Notice what happens in your body as well in your behavior, right? Your jaw tightens, your voice rises, you speak faster, you interrupt, whatever, right? You get defensive, right?
00:33:49.959 --> 00:34:00.977
You begin trying to cut in before the person even finishes talking, right? Catch that reaction before the reaction controls the conversation. Then you have L, right? And that stands for listen.
00:34:00.977 --> 00:34:05.597
Listen without preparing your defense, let the person finish.
00:34:05.597 --> 00:34:15.036
If you're confused, have them summarize it, and or you can summarize back what you heard. E stands for extract, right?
00:34:15.036 --> 00:34:23.976
Extract the observable, observable facts, right? What specifically happened? When did it happen? What was the impact, right?
00:34:23.976 --> 00:34:26.309
Something like that, right? A stands for ask.
00:34:26.309 --> 00:34:30.538
How could I've handled that differently?
00:34:26.309 --> 00:34:37.021
What are you seeing that I may be missing? Can you give me a specific example?
00:34:37.021 --> 00:34:44.268
Those things. And then you come down to R, which is reflection, right? Or response after reflection, right?
00:34:44.268 --> 00:34:52.407
Your response may be accepting the feedback, testing a change, requesting more information, establishing the boundary, right?
00:34:52.407 --> 00:35:05.360
Or even calmly disagreeing, right? If needed, you can even return to the conversation after you've had some time to sit and think about it. I've had to do that multiple times.
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:07.389
You do not have to agree immediately.
00:35:07.389 --> 00:35:39.893
You can be like, look, let's put a pin in this and come back to it. I just I need to sit with it for a minute. You do not need to understand everything accurately right away. Or you do need to understand everything accurately, right? So that's when you ask those questions, right? And so what do defensive life high performers often do after they're criticized? They try to prove themselves through more effort, right? Sales are down. So what do we do?
00:35:39.893 --> 00:35:46.036
Let's go make more calls, right? But maybe it's not the calls at all. Maybe it's the offer.
00:35:46.036 --> 00:35:48.713
Employees are struggling. So what does the owner do?
00:35:48.713 --> 00:36:03.181
You know, takes the work back instead of improving their training, right? Fitness results stall. So the person adds more more workouts without examining what is maybe maybe it's your recovery, maybe it's your nutrition, right? A relationship feels disconnected.
00:36:03.181 --> 00:36:27.221
So somebody just buys gifts instead of having a conversation of like what's going on, right? Like you have to think like you have to evaluate, right? Correction tells something that may need to be changed, right? But your ego responds by doing more of the same thing so it can avoid the hard thing, right? That response feels like disciplined. It feels committed.
00:36:27.221 --> 00:36:48.146
It feels like leadership, but the effort is only intelligent when it's aimed at the problem. You can't solve the problem if you don't know the problem. Not every problem is an effort problem. Before you work harder, identify the problem, the category of the category problem, right? Is it an effort problem?
00:36:48.146 --> 00:36:52.440
Or is it a skill problem? Maybe it's a strategy problem.
00:36:52.440 --> 00:36:57.432
Like you have to think about these things.
00:36:57.432 --> 00:37:04.012
Maybe it's your systems. Like if you don't know what the problem is, then how are you going to know?
00:37:04.012 --> 00:37:10.690
Because maybe all those things are good, but there's a disconnect in the delegation, right? Top down, right?
00:37:13.190 --> 00:37:34.911
And so it's all those things to say is like if you don't know what the problem is, then you can't solve it, right? Is the problem in just like your team having the courage to take risks? Have you created an environment for that? Is it a patience problem, right?
00:37:34.911 --> 00:37:42.652
Do you have a little bit of patience so that you can see the results, right? Is it a capacity problem?
00:37:42.652 --> 00:37:49.672
Does the goal exceed the available time, money, energy, staffing, or infrastructure? Like what is the problem, right?
00:37:49.672 --> 00:38:02.099
When a skill is missing, effort without instruction can reinforce bad habits. When a system is broken, effort creates temporary heroics instead of reliable results. When courage is missing, staying busy can become a way of avoiding a decision.
00:38:02.099 --> 00:38:07.918
When patience is missing, effort can cause you to abandon something before it has a chance to even work.
00:38:07.918 --> 00:38:18.931
With capacity as the problem, more effort creates burnout without changing the math. This is the difference between commitment and unnecessary struggle. Commitment stays loyal to the mission.
00:38:18.931 --> 00:38:21.911
Your ego stays loyal to your original method.
00:38:21.911 --> 00:38:42.650
Commitment asks like what is working. Ego says, how do I prove that I was right? And so research on you have to do your own research on like, do I need to change the tactics or direction or systems or whatever?
00:38:45.280 --> 00:39:12.998
Instead of just being like, look, changing the direction is admitting defeat, right? And so we, or there's been research on like the something cost effect essentially, which has found like previous investments of time, money, effort can increase a person's tendency to continue and endeavor. And what I mean by that is we may keep investing because of what we have already spent.
00:39:12.998 --> 00:39:55.224
And even though like past event investments, even though those past investments cannot be recovered, right? So imagine a company has invested heavily in service customers, right? A service a customer doesn't want. Leadership continues to spend because they don't want to or because stopping would mean admitting that the original decision was wrong. But the intelligent question is not like, how much have we already invested? The intelligent question would be, knowing what we know today, would we continue to choose this strategy again, right? The past investment explains why the decision feels difficult, but it doesn't automatically justify one investment or another, right?
00:39:55.224 --> 00:40:03.835
And changing the direction, changing the tactics does not mean the mission is no longer that no longer matters.
00:40:03.835 --> 00:40:09.945
Sometimes it means the mission matters enough to stop wasting resources on a method is not working, right?
00:40:09.945 --> 00:41:07.856
There is more important, there's there's one more important distinction, right? Feedback is not automatically effective simply because it is feedback. Feedback is not automatically effective simply because it is feedback. Right, so I just want to kind of like tie this up a little bit with like, I just want you to know that in kind of remember that sometimes the next level requires you to work harder. Yes, sometimes it requires you to listen though. Sometimes it requires you to learn a new skill. Sometimes it requires you to build a system that wasn't built before. Sometimes it requires you to delegate tasks that you thought were you're the the A player on it.
00:41:07.856 --> 00:41:14.436
It's like so are other people delegate it so you can grow the business and grow and everyone can grow.
00:41:14.436 --> 00:41:21.614
Sometimes it requires patience and not patience like of like, you know, waiting for someone like just time.
00:41:21.614 --> 00:41:39.833
Sometimes it requires uncomfortable conversations and it could also require you to admit that the strategy was broken or that it is now broken. The breakthrough may be sitting inside the correction that you keep calling disrespectful or disrespect.
00:41:39.833 --> 00:41:48.382
The answer may not be another hour, another call, another post, another workout, another late night. It may just be better questions.
00:41:48.382 --> 00:41:57.840
A more honest diagnosis of what's going on, a different strategy or enough humility to hear what somebody is actually trying to tell you. So ask yourself two questions.
00:41:57.840 --> 00:42:00.440
This is what I'll wrap up with.
00:42:03.590 --> 00:42:12.568
Can I be corrected without feeling disrespected and am I solving the right problem or am I only working harder on the wrong one to prove that I'm right?
00:42:12.568 --> 00:42:26.806
So again, can I be corrected without feeling disrespected and am I solving the right problem or am I only working harder on the wrong one to prove that I'm right?
00:42:26.806 --> 00:42:37.795
If this episode made you think of somebody who works incredibly hard but maybe too close to the problem to see it clearly, please share this with them, right?
00:42:37.795 --> 00:42:48.523
And before this week ends, I want to invite you, I want to invite one correction you would normally avoid and diagnose that problem, right? Before adding any more effort.
00:42:48.523 --> 00:42:56.653
If you guys need anything, feel free to reach out to me. You guys know I appreciate you all.
00:42:56.653 --> 00:43:00.360
I love you guys and I'll see you guys on the next one. Peace.
