We Can Do Hard Things Crossover

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After my first baby was born, I treated my own
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recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something,
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I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it
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would wait. But research shows that when parents have the
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support they need, they're better able to care for their children.
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Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a
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huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission
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weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target,
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and Walmart today. Here's a question parents ask me all
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the time. How can I help my kid take ownership
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of their routine? I love this question because owning a
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routine is such a good way for kids to build
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independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you
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With the right sound, stories, and a bit of structure
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thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer,
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I'm Dr.
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Becky, and this is Good Inside. So I just put
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out a book.
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And as part of my book tour, I talked to
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a lot of different people on a lot of different podcasts.
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Maybe one of my all-time favorites was being a guest
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on We Can Do Hard Things, the podcast hosted by
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Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle. If you haven't
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heard of We Can Do Hard Things, definitely go check
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it out. Wait, wait, wait, not right now, because you're
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here and I have an amazing episode for you. I
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asked the Good Inside community for questions they wanted the
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four of us to discuss. And that's exactly what we're
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going to do together in this episode.
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Let's jump in right after this.
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Does this sound familiar? Your baby wants to be held,
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needs to be held. And you need to do 10
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different things at once. You're holding your baby while also
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trying to make coffee, get breakfast ready for your older kid,
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answer emails, and all those small and big tasks to
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make up your day. And what I see with so
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many parents is that when you can stay close to
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your baby and have your hands free, everything feels a
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little more manageable. That's why I recommend ergo baby carriers.
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Baby wearing has so many benefits. Babies tend to feel
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more settled when they're close to you. And that closeness
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can make a difference for parents too. But here's the key.
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You only get those benefits if your carrier actually works
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for your body. Otherwise, your back hurts and you're taking
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off your carrier after five minutes. It's why I'm a
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big fan of Ergobaby. Ergobaby carriers are designed to be
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truly ergonomic and newborn-ready, so you can use them comfortably
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from the very beginning. They have patented design that supports
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the parent by distributing the weight evenly for a lighter,
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more comfortable carry. And they have options for every stage,
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which is why so many parents keep using them as
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their baby grows and grows. If you think that kind
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of support will make your day-to-day that much easier, use
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code DRBECKY20, D-R-B-E-C-K-Y 20, for 20% off site-wide at ergobaby.com.
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There's just something about summer that makes parents think, maybe
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this is the time to finally tackle potty training. And
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if that's where you are right now, I want to
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offer a minor reframe. Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now,
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I know what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do
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you mean? Potty is in the name. But actually, it's
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really all about independence. See, your kid wants to do
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more things on their own. Your kid wants to build
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confidence and feel like a big kid. That's why I
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like Pampers Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like
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underwear than a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them
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up and down on their own. And those moments of,
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I did it, really matter in confidence building. They even
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come with Peppa Pig designs, which, if you have a toddler,
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you know can make almost anything more exciting. And because
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accidents are part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed
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to protect day and night, which means less stress for
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you and more room to focus on helping your child learn.
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The goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is
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to help your kid feel more capable. And I like
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that Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that.
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I have Miss Amanda Doyle, Miss Glennon Doyle, and Miss
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Abby Wambach right here.
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We're all waving as if you could see us, but
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it's because we're all excited.
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So if you want to wave back and you're not driving,
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please do. The other really special thing about this episode
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is that I went to the Good Inside membership community
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to source questions. And we received so many amazing questions
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for Abby and Amanda and Glennon. And really, I just
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want to jump in and hear from them so you
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can hear their brilliant answers.
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No pressure.
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All right, let's jump into questions. I am really curious
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what you're going to say to Brooke's question. So let's
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hear from Brooke.
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Hey, Dr. Becky, and hey, Glennon, Abby, and Amanda. I
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listen to both of your podcasts regularly and love them.
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My name is Brooke.
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I have a six-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter, and
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I would love to know what is the best parenting
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decision that you ever made.
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Do you want me to go first?
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Yeah.
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I can go first. Okay, so I don't know if
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you're going to have to cut this answer. I don't
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know if this is what we were expecting. But I
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think that with a lot of nuance, I would say
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that the most important parenting decision I ever made was
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to get divorced. I was in a really broken marriage
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to a good man, which is a tricky place to
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be because we're all supposed to be grateful for what
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we have, right? And much ensued. I fell in love.
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I almost didn't go for what For you, for Abby,
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I almost didn't follow the great love of my life
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because I was so afraid to hurt my children. I
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was raised in a family that was together, that was
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never divorced, and divorce was considered to be such a
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failure in my mind. And one day I was looking
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at my daughter, and I've told this story in the book,
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but I just remember thinking, oh, I'm staying in this
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marriage for her, but would I want this marriage for her?
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And I realized that I was modeling bad love for
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my children and calling that good parenting. And that was
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because I had this idea in my head that a
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mother was a martyr, right? That we just do whatever
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we have to do to avoid our children having any discomfort.
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And so I did, well, I guess I just decided
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I have to, if she came to me in 20
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years and described this marriage to me, And then said, mommy,
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what should I do? What would I say to her?
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And I would say to her, get the hell out.
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You have one life. You know what to do. And
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so I got divorced, came out as queer, married Abby.
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And it was really messy and hard and horrific as
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divorce always is in the beginning. And I think that
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in the end, what happened is that our kids learned
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that we are true to ourselves, even when it causes
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discomfort to other people. And that we have decided together
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that a broken family is any family, regardless of structure,
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even if they're still together, where people have to break
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themselves to fit in. And that a whole family, regardless
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of whatever structure it is, whether it's a single parent,
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whether it's divorce, whether whatever it is, is any family,
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regardless of structure, where everybody gets to bring their full
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selves to the table. And I think that our family
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is messy and weird and... imperfect, but it is a
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place where everybody gets to be themselves, even if it
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makes everybody else uncomfortable and even if there's a constant
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rebalancing of the collective. So that, I think, getting divorced
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and coming out were my best parenting decisions, which, interestingly enough,
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didn't have anything to do with direct parenting, but did. I.
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I don't know if it's a decision as much as
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it's a constant effort to re-decide on a daily basis.
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That is my answer.
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But I think the most powerful thing to me as
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a perfectionist performer person, and that has brought a lot
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of good and a lot of pain into my life, is...
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practicing the decision on a daily basis that my kids'
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triumphs and quote-unquote successes and achievements are not a reflection
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of me and that their behavior and struggle are not
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a referendum on me. Because I think that that, when
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I look underneath my reactions to some of their struggles,
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what is really driving that is that I think that
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it is receipts of of me failing to parent them correctly.
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And then when I take away the me-centeredness of everything,
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their struggles and their triumphs are their own.
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And I can.
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Just react and be with them and guide them through
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that as their own thing instead of taking the perspective
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that this is either something I've done or failed to do.
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And I think it allows me to actually be in
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relationships with them instead of being in relationship with myself
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via them.
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Oh, that's good.
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That's really good.
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I would say my favorite parenting decision or my best
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parenting decision was when I made a mistake early on
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in our marriage with a child, with a kid. I
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didn't go and comfort her. I parented in the way.
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I was parented.
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Kind of an avoidance. You know, our kid was having
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knee pain injury and I was just kind of like,
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suck it up sort of thing. And I, Glennon and
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I were talking about it in bed that night and
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I was like, I just don't feel that good about it.
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And Glennon, she suggested maybe I talk to Emma about
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it tomorrow. And I looked at her confused. I was like, what?
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Like a parent, like I'm going to apologize to a
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child like that had never happened in my life. I
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had never known that that was even a possibility. And
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so the next morning I prepare my whole speech in
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my head during the night and I talk to Emma
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and I tell her all the reasons why I didn't
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respond in the way that I wished I had responded
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and I was so sorry and that I would keep
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working on it in the future. And of course she
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was like, you know, getting ready for school. And she
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was like, yeah, no problem. Like it was no big
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deal to her. But the art of repair had been
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something that I had never experienced or practiced before. So
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I think that that has helped me learn how to
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constantly go back and try to repair things that I've done,
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faults that I've had, issues that I've made in our
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kids' lives.
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Cool.
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And being in therapy, I think the best decision any
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parent can make is just be in therapy themselves.
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Which I always tell my community, weekly therapy.
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Like, me too.
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Like, I just always want to make sure everyone knows that.
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And not to, like, be like, look at how amazing
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I am. Like, no, I don't have it all figured out.
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Therapy is hugely helpful for me. And when I think
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about my best parenting decision, I guess I'm thinking, like,
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what has been some of the most impactful ones? And
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I feel like when my kids are struggling, the decision, like,
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nothing's wrong with my kid.
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Yeah.
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And I really, really do believe that like so much
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comes from these two paths. Like am I looking at
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my kid and they feel it? Like they're a bad
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kid doing bad things. Or am I looking at my
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kid like they're a good kid having a hard time?
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And especially with one of my deeply feeling kid, it
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was a struggle in those, oh my, those tantrums that animalistic,
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the caged animal, the viciousness and just deciding over and
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over in the moment as much as I could after
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in the way me and my husband would talk about
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it and how I talk about it with friends and
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what I thought to do.
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I have a good kid.
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I have a good kid. I have a good kid.
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Good kid.
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And like trying to decide that just over and over.
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I think that would have made a big difference for me.
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I think I had a beautiful family. I also had
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parents who I think were afraid of me. I think
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I had parents who were afraid of me and who
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were trying to protect me. But what I always felt
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like they were doing is trying to protect me from myself,
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which made me afraid of me. And so my entire
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life has been trying to figure out that, am I bad?
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Am I bad? Am I bad? And so I think
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that that is everything.
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You're good.
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Well, these kids, these deeply feeling kids, which I know
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you identify, there's a lot of us deeply feeling adults,
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like that is such a core thing in our approach
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for these kids or my passion project. Even saying to
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kids in those moments, I say this to, I recommend
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all the time, and people tell me their kids, the
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way they look when they hear these words, it is everything.
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I am not scared of you right now. I am
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not scared of how you're feeling. I'm not scared of
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how big they are. That's why I'm staying here. I
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know you're screaming at me to get out. You don't
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have to like it. I'm not scared.
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I'm sitting here.
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I don't even have to look at you, but we
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are going to get through this together.
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And your presence and you're showing them exactly the feelings
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that overwhelm you aren't actually so toxic and destructive in
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the world. And if you can't show that to your kid,
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of course they can't internalize that about themselves.
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It's everything.
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And you can say that even if you don't feel it.
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It's tricky. I mean that really honestly. Like if you,
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like sometimes I naturally get scared when I don't know
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what to do because I feel like in 95% of
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my life I know what to do. And sometimes I
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feel like I hide from parenting because it is the
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one area that I don't know how to do exceptionally.
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And so when I'm in those situations, I am not
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necessarily afraid of them. I'm afraid of of how I
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feel in that situation because I don't know what to do.
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So two things, one shorter, one longer.
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I'm sending you my deeply feeling kids workshop and bring
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the tissues and bring the pause button because you'll have
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to digest it. But like it, I mean this more
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than I would say about anything else I do. It
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will change, it will change your conceptualization and it will
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change your sense of knowing what to do. And when
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you're overwhelmed, it's very different to say to a kid
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in those moments, you are crazy or I can't stay
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here when you're acting this way versus saying, I need
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a moment.
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I love you.
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You're a good kid.
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I'm going outside and I'll check on you in a
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few minutes. Totally different. Totally different. And that is another
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way of kind of removing the I'm too much for
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people and removing the blame because you're owning that. And
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then I really think with these deeply feeling kids, the
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more you actually understand their core fears and the more
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clarity you have.
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And then the more clarity you have, the more you
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can use those skills.
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In the moment.
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There's just something about summer that makes parents think, maybe
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this is the time to finally tackle potty training. And
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if that's where you are right now, I want to
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offer a minor reframe. Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now,
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I know what you're thinking.
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Um, Dr.
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Becky, what do you mean? Potty is in the name.
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But actually, it's really all about independence. See, your kid
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wants to do more things on their own. Your kid
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wants to build confidence and feel like a big kid.
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That's why I like Pampers Easy Ups. They fit and
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feel more like underwear than a diaper. So kids can
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practice pulling them up and down on their own. And
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those moments of, I did it, really matter in confidence building.
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They even come with Peppa Pig designs, which if you
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have a toddler, you know can make almost anything more exciting.
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And because accidents are part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups
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are designed to protect day and night, which means less
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stress for you and more room to focus on helping
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your child learn. The goal isn't a perfectly dry day.
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The goal is to help your kid feel more capable.
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And I like that Pampers Easy Ups helps make room
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for that. Does this sound familiar? Your baby wants to
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be held, needs to be held. And you need to
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do 10 different things at once. You're holding your baby
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while also trying to make coffee, get breakfast ready for
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your older kid, answer emails, and all those small and
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big tasks to make up your day. And what I
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see with so many parents is that when you can
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stay close to your baby and have your hands free,
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everything feels a little more manageable. That's why I recommend
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ergo baby carriers. Baby wearing has so many benefits. Babies
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tend to feel more settled when they're close to you.
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And that closeness can make a difference for parents too.
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But here's the key. You only get those benefits if
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your carrier actually works for your body. Otherwise, your back
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hurts and you're taking off your carrier after five minutes.
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It's why I'm a big fan of Ergobaby. Ergobaby carriers
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are designed to be truly ergonomic and newborn-ready, so you
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can use them comfortably from the very beginning. They have
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patented design that supports the parent by distributing the weight
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evenly for a lighter, more comfortable carry. And they have
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options for every stage, which is why so many parents
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keep using them as their baby grows and grows. If
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you think that kind of support will make your day-to-day
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that much easier, use code DRBECKY20, D-R-B-E-C-K-Y 20, for 20%
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00:19:10.069 --> 00:19:12.609
off site-wide at ergobaby.com.
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All right, let's hear from Kristen.
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This is a good one.
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Hi, my name is Kristen, and I'm so excited that
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Glenn and Abby and Amanda are here. My question is
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about faith and religion. I know the three of you
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were raised in somewhat stricter religious environments and have chosen
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not to continue that with your kids. So what does
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that look like? I want to pass on my faith
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to my children while making sure that they don't soak
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up any poison in the pews.
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Thank you. Oh, God.
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Literally.
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Yeah, right? I mean, I'll tell you my things. They're
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not necessarily right or, you know, they might feel awkward.
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awful to some people and good to some people. I
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don't know. I mean, I am a person with such wild, passionate,
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fierce faith. Do I know what that means?
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No.
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Can I put it into words anymore? No. Does it
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have a religion?
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No.
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But I, at some point, had to get to the
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point where I had to lose my religion to keep
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my faith because it kept getting bigger than whatever container
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I was trying to put it in, okay? I have,
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my kids, I have, I was a Sunday school teacher, okay?
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So I would go to every new church and then
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I would be scared about what the Sunday school teacher
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was going to teach my kids about God. So then
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I would become the Sunday school teacher and then everybody
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else was terrified about what I was going to teach
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their kids about God. which I preferred. So my, I
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had a child and I want you to picture this.
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Like I would be teaching the Sunday school in front
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of the whole church congregation because we did part of
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the lesson in front of everybody. And so I would
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be reading a passage, you know, like about Jonah or something. Okay.
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And the, you know, he got swallowed by a whale. Okay. Allegedly.
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Allegedly.
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Well, listen, so my kid, my child would raise her hand.
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in front of the whole church while I was reading
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the scripture. And I would not call on her because
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I knew that she was going to mess me up.
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Yeah.
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She's a heretic.
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Yeah.
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And so she would wave her hand and wave her hand.
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And then I would start to look ridiculous. So I
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would go, what? And she would go, so mom, so
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you're telling us that this guy got swallowed by a
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whale and lived in the whale and then got spit
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out and And I would just be sitting there and
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I would go, I guess so. Do not rely on
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your own understanding, child. Right, exactly. So here's what I think.
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I think that if you can find a religion to
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share with your children that is not based upon them
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doubting themselves, what I have found about a lot of
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religion is that in order to keep the collective, what
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is taught to the person is do not lean on
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your own understanding. This is what I was taught. The
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heart is wicked. God works in mysterious ways. So whenever
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you have an instinct, a knowing, a personal, then you
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are taught. No, it's like sometimes religion can be a
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complete gaslighting, right? Of the self in order to buy
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into the collective. And that is also what a cult is.
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So what I decided was that I kept trying to
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tell my children what faith was as if it was math. Okay?
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Like I could tell it to them. And our family's
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faith life opened up very much when I stopped telling
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them and I started asking them.
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Yes.
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I ask my children stories, I mean, questions about what
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they think about God, what they think about the afterlife,
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what they think about this, what God is to them now,
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what faith means. Can they put it into words? And
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they have the most beautiful answers. And it starts beautiful
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questions and conversations that... the answer to all of those
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questions is we don't freaking know. Yeah. So let's have
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beautiful conversations about how we all don't know and how
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we just have beautiful guesses. And faith is more like
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an art than a, than math.
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Yeah.
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And so there are no answers. There are just beautiful
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questions that we can all ask together. Yeah.
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And just because you have a specific faith or religious
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angling doesn't mean your kid will, right? Like, We all
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do get indoctrinated by our parents as much as the
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churches and the temples and all of the institutions and religion.
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And so just make sure that it's their choice. I
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think that that's when our kids talk to us about
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their faith. I'm like, that is so cool because I
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don't have it. I was indoctrinated Catholic, you know, was
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told I was going to hell. So I was like,
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fuck you, religion. And now I'm like curious about that.
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It's exciting now. Yeah, I'm like, that makes sense to me.
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I could get on board with that. So it's kind
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of like this, they're teaching us now.
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And if you do choose a religion, please, God, make
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sure that it's one that is not accidentally or purposefully
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teaching your children that anybody on earth is out of
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God's favor or is flawed. One of the things I
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think is so revolutionary about Dr. Becky's work is the
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good inside framework, because that can sound soft, and it
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is not. What I learned in Christianity is that I
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was bad inside. Original sin, the idea that we are all,
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especially women, put here to lead people astray and that
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our badness is inherent in us and that we are shameful.
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Feeling and being taught that you were bad inside is
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something that it takes a lifetime to recover from. And
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in a lot of institutional religion, women, gay people, people
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of color, a lot of religions are just patriarchy in concrete.
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with a God decal on top. And so make sure
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that if you're bringing your children into pews or to
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wherever you're bringing them, that you actually believe what is
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being taught because it's being imbibed into them, whether you
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know it or not. And it is not okay to
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bring your kids to a place where you, I don't
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know how many people I know who bring their kids
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to churches where women aren't allowed to to teach and speak,
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and then they don't actually believe that. But what are
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you teaching your kids by doing that? So be intentional
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about it.
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There is a whole theory that is in spite of,
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the in spite of, the I love 90% of it.
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There's just this 10% that I have to overlook because
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there's so much good of it. And I think it's
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important to be real careful about that because you are
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00:25:56.019 --> 00:26:01.220
an adult human that can make those distinctions. And a
485
00:26:01.279 --> 00:26:04.500
child may not be able to. So if you are
486
00:26:04.640 --> 00:26:08.099
asking them to swallow the 90%, the 10% is going
487
00:26:08.119 --> 00:26:08.680
down with it.
488
00:26:09.079 --> 00:26:11.579
And that's very, very hard to get out.
489
00:26:11.740 --> 00:26:15.940
And the studies that have shown that it's actually much
490
00:26:16.039 --> 00:26:18.900
harder for people who.
491
00:26:18.700 --> 00:26:19.519
Come out later to.
492
00:26:21.579 --> 00:26:24.599
Recover precisely because the 90% was so good.
493
00:26:25.400 --> 00:26:26.579
They really feel.
494
00:26:27.740 --> 00:26:31.599
disembodied and cut off from their communities and from the
495
00:26:31.640 --> 00:26:34.789
safety of their home base. Two other things about it.
496
00:26:35.150 --> 00:26:37.890
I think there's also this idea of like, well, it's
497
00:26:38.329 --> 00:26:40.109
all or nothing. Like our kids are either going to
498
00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:43.859
have a faith and that means we have to find
499
00:26:43.880 --> 00:26:46.680
a church and get involved in it or they won't
500
00:26:46.720 --> 00:26:48.519
have any of that. And I was a kid who
501
00:26:48.559 --> 00:26:51.210
was very That was a big deal to me when
502
00:26:51.329 --> 00:26:53.829
I was young. Like I would pray all the time.
503
00:26:53.890 --> 00:26:55.470
It was a source of comfort for me. It was
504
00:26:55.519 --> 00:26:57.079
a source of peace for me. When I was a
505
00:26:57.140 --> 00:26:58.839
little kid, I would get scared and I would pray.
506
00:26:59.740 --> 00:27:03.700
And so I think that it is really cool to
507
00:27:03.740 --> 00:27:05.880
think about like what Glendon's thinking about, that it isn't
508
00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:06.480
all or nothing.
509
00:27:06.769 --> 00:27:08.000
It isn't like that.
510
00:27:07.920 --> 00:27:13.509
You can be talking about those things, be even suggesting
511
00:27:13.569 --> 00:27:16.509
that there might be a source of power and comfort
512
00:27:16.710 --> 00:27:19.710
for them and a way of processing the world around them,
513
00:27:20.210 --> 00:27:24.390
that isn't tied to this whole other structure. And then
514
00:27:24.410 --> 00:27:27.690
I'll also just throw out, because I think that people
515
00:27:28.099 --> 00:27:32.579
don't think about this as much, talking about our bodies
516
00:27:32.680 --> 00:27:37.839
and sex and sexuality is such an important piece of
517
00:27:37.900 --> 00:27:41.960
all of this. And so yes to the LGBTQ affirming,
518
00:27:42.039 --> 00:27:45.420
yes to the having leaders of color, having women of
519
00:27:45.460 --> 00:27:49.420
color affirming, having women. And it's also be very, very
520
00:27:49.480 --> 00:27:54.200
careful about the messages that your kids are receiving about
521
00:27:54.240 --> 00:28:00.539
their body and their desire and their worthiness and what
522
00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:06.250
about them has value because that sets up like we
523
00:28:06.390 --> 00:28:11.029
are our bodies. And so you cannot say that you
524
00:28:11.069 --> 00:28:14.069
are teaching people that they are good and that their
525
00:28:14.089 --> 00:28:16.940
bodies are bad. And you're teaching them that they can
526
00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:20.000
have everything that they want in life and that all
527
00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:23.049
of their dreams and their desires can come true and
528
00:28:23.109 --> 00:28:25.390
that they need to kill the part of them that
529
00:28:25.410 --> 00:28:30.269
has desire. And it's just, I have spent a lifetime
530
00:28:30.329 --> 00:28:33.289
trying to undo that piece and I haven't done it.
531
00:28:34.150 --> 00:28:38.440
And I think that it is very important to not
532
00:28:38.559 --> 00:28:42.960
overlook that piece of what you're learning in churches.
533
00:28:43.579 --> 00:28:44.119
That's good.
534
00:28:45.160 --> 00:28:48.740
So on this topic of bodies, I'd love to hear
535
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:50.920
from another member from Genevieve.
536
00:28:52.740 --> 00:28:55.740
Hi, my name is Genevieve and I'm mom to three-year-old
537
00:28:55.900 --> 00:28:59.799
Adelaide and one-year-old Eva. And something I'd love to hear
538
00:28:59.880 --> 00:29:03.039
from you all about is I've really just been feeling
539
00:29:03.059 --> 00:29:05.920
the weight of responsibility when it comes to raising these
540
00:29:06.009 --> 00:29:10.250
two girls and just believe so strongly as does my
541
00:29:10.809 --> 00:29:14.079
partner that we want them to be raised from an
542
00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:18.680
early age, knowing that they are made for more and
543
00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:22.559
just to have the space to grow up untamed and
544
00:29:22.980 --> 00:29:25.759
just to be able to embody that and have this
545
00:29:25.819 --> 00:29:29.740
be that safe and supportive space. And at the same time,
546
00:29:30.460 --> 00:29:35.069
I know that as they are increasingly out in the world,
547
00:29:35.650 --> 00:29:39.970
they'll be exposed to spaces and to voices and experiences
548
00:29:40.470 --> 00:29:43.890
that give other messages like diet culture and kind of
549
00:29:44.009 --> 00:29:47.750
patriarchal structures and all of those things. And so I'd
550
00:29:47.789 --> 00:29:49.109
love to hear from you all kind of what you
551
00:29:49.130 --> 00:29:51.329
think about that and maybe any experiences that you've had
552
00:29:51.390 --> 00:29:52.650
with those situations yourself.
553
00:29:54.099 --> 00:29:57.859
I haven't had any of those. No, no experiences like that.
554
00:29:58.680 --> 00:30:00.049
I think we should move to the next question.
555
00:30:00.069 --> 00:30:01.809
No, I'm good. I'm good.
556
00:30:02.009 --> 00:30:05.150
I'm good, Genevieve. I just sometimes feel like I shouldn't
557
00:30:05.170 --> 00:30:07.390
have named that book Untamed. It should have been Untaming
558
00:30:07.589 --> 00:30:12.779
because it just feels like nobody's untamed and I sure
559
00:30:12.819 --> 00:30:14.839
as hell am not. And it's just an actually a
560
00:30:14.920 --> 00:30:17.880
process each day to enter as opposed to something that
561
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:21.900
you can be or not. I can tell you some
562
00:30:21.940 --> 00:30:24.700
things that I feel like we did right with our kids.
563
00:30:25.819 --> 00:30:28.539
The first thing that I would say that I to
564
00:30:28.680 --> 00:30:32.930
Genevieve is that if I could do anything over, it
565
00:30:32.950 --> 00:30:35.170
wouldn't have been anything I said or didn't say to
566
00:30:36.289 --> 00:30:38.990
my girls or boy, it would have been that I
567
00:30:39.029 --> 00:30:43.380
would have had myself in therapy about all of this earlier.
568
00:30:44.460 --> 00:30:50.339
Like I, I wish that I, there, I was saying
569
00:30:51.160 --> 00:30:55.589
all the right things with this. There is nobody There
570
00:30:55.670 --> 00:31:00.549
is no parent out there who wasn't saying more untamed
571
00:31:00.630 --> 00:31:05.230
things to my kids. I just accidentally had raging body
572
00:31:05.309 --> 00:31:10.250
issues the whole time. So perhaps had I, in all seriousness,
573
00:31:10.329 --> 00:31:13.490
I wish that since our kids don't take in as
574
00:31:13.549 --> 00:31:16.009
much what we say as what we are, I wish
575
00:31:16.049 --> 00:31:20.710
that I had been working harder earlier on my own taming.
576
00:31:21.769 --> 00:31:23.819
What I will say that we did that seems to
577
00:31:23.859 --> 00:31:28.289
have manifested in our kids so far is that I
578
00:31:28.309 --> 00:31:30.779
always think about that quote that probably isn't true, but
579
00:31:31.359 --> 00:31:33.160
the one about all the water in the world can't
580
00:31:33.220 --> 00:31:35.660
sink a ship unless it gets inside. And sometimes I
581
00:31:35.700 --> 00:31:39.619
think about the toxic messages about women being just all
582
00:31:39.660 --> 00:31:41.700
the water in the world. It's the, it's the, we
583
00:31:41.740 --> 00:31:44.009
can't even see it because it's the water we swim in.
584
00:31:44.029 --> 00:31:45.509
We're like fish and we're in it and we don't
585
00:31:45.549 --> 00:31:48.809
know it because it's incessant. And it's like in every
586
00:31:48.890 --> 00:31:50.740
single thing that anyone says to us. And it's in,
587
00:31:51.230 --> 00:31:53.509
on every billboard, it's in every commercial and it's in
588
00:31:54.460 --> 00:31:57.839
it's everywhere. And so one of the things we try
589
00:31:57.859 --> 00:32:02.490
to do is I, that everywhere-ness really made me very
590
00:32:02.569 --> 00:32:06.089
sick as a kid and still, and I'm still trying
591
00:32:06.109 --> 00:32:08.109
to get unsick about it because it all got in
592
00:32:08.150 --> 00:32:11.930
because I couldn't see it. And so one of the
593
00:32:11.950 --> 00:32:13.269
things we're trying to do with the kids is make
594
00:32:13.349 --> 00:32:16.829
everything that's invisible visible, which means we did the opposite
595
00:32:16.910 --> 00:32:18.670
of what I think we tend to do as parents,
596
00:32:18.710 --> 00:32:20.549
which is try to hope they don't notice it and
597
00:32:20.630 --> 00:32:22.549
turn it away from them and turn the commercial off
598
00:32:22.609 --> 00:32:25.710
and turn them away from the billboard. And instead, we
599
00:32:25.730 --> 00:32:28.630
would always point them straight toward it. We would like
600
00:32:28.750 --> 00:32:30.609
stop and be like, oh my gosh, you guys, look
601
00:32:30.650 --> 00:32:33.190
at that billboard. Look at that magazine. What do you
602
00:32:33.210 --> 00:32:35.559
think that magazine is trying to tell you about what
603
00:32:36.099 --> 00:32:39.799
kind of woman's body is valuable? And, you know, they
604
00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:42.460
would start thinking like, oh, it looks like they're saying
605
00:32:42.500 --> 00:32:46.420
that white bodies are more valuable or like skinny bodies
606
00:32:46.480 --> 00:32:48.599
or blonde bodies or whatever it was. It was like
607
00:32:48.940 --> 00:32:53.509
they started to develop this consciousness or they were Becoming
608
00:32:54.230 --> 00:32:58.500
wise consumers of things as opposed to just swallowing everything whole.
609
00:32:58.559 --> 00:33:02.119
And I think, like, they got pissed for a while.
610
00:33:02.180 --> 00:33:05.539
I think in this culture, little girls either get really
611
00:33:05.579 --> 00:33:10.099
pissed or really sick. And so we chose pissed. And
612
00:33:11.000 --> 00:33:14.480
now they're older and they're critical of the culture they're in.
613
00:33:14.539 --> 00:33:18.069
And I think that they're less self-critical because of that.
614
00:33:18.150 --> 00:33:20.490
And one thing I've noticed recently is their take on
615
00:33:21.109 --> 00:33:22.289
body positivity.
616
00:33:22.309 --> 00:33:22.670
Mm-hmm.
617
00:33:23.400 --> 00:33:26.539
Which in lots of ways is as toxic as all
618
00:33:26.579 --> 00:33:29.099
the other shit. My daughter told me that she didn't
619
00:33:29.160 --> 00:33:32.440
even know that her cellulite was a problem until she
620
00:33:32.539 --> 00:33:36.460
saw this big thing online that said, love your cellulite.
621
00:33:36.500 --> 00:33:40.069
Your cellulite is not a problem. Hashtag body positivity. And
622
00:33:40.089 --> 00:33:42.920
she was like, well, holy hell. I didn't even know.
623
00:33:43.950 --> 00:33:44.250
Right?
624
00:33:44.329 --> 00:33:48.190
So we have to analyze the body positivity just as
625
00:33:48.230 --> 00:33:51.250
much as we analyzed all the negativity, which is a
626
00:33:51.289 --> 00:33:54.680
whole nother layer. But I guess making the invisible visible
627
00:33:54.720 --> 00:33:58.799
and getting ourselves into therapy is my takes. I think
628
00:33:58.880 --> 00:34:01.819
it's also just all day long.
629
00:34:02.519 --> 00:34:07.730
I think it's, you know, reading the books, noticing the
630
00:34:07.849 --> 00:34:10.590
pronouns that are used when we talk. I mean, I was,
631
00:34:11.389 --> 00:34:13.210
we were playing a new card game the other day
632
00:34:13.250 --> 00:34:16.949
with my daughter and she was so excited to play
633
00:34:17.010 --> 00:34:21.050
it and got out the directions. And it was like,
634
00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:24.699
when the first player goes, he passes three cards to
635
00:34:24.739 --> 00:34:28.889
his left. Then the second player, he gives four cards
636
00:34:28.929 --> 00:34:29.570
to the third player.
637
00:34:29.590 --> 00:34:31.690
And she was like, why.
638
00:34:31.530 --> 00:34:34.550
Would they assume that the person playing this is a he?
639
00:34:35.320 --> 00:34:38.940
I mean, it's just the, I think, I think we
640
00:34:39.119 --> 00:34:42.039
think exactly like Glennon said, that it's going to overwhelm
641
00:34:42.159 --> 00:34:45.679
them and hurt them and kill a little part of
642
00:34:45.719 --> 00:34:51.960
their spirit. that we identify the truth of how ragingly
643
00:34:53.539 --> 00:34:58.699
male heteronormative the world is. But it's not like they're
644
00:34:58.739 --> 00:35:01.389
not going to notice. And in fact, if they don't notice,
645
00:35:01.449 --> 00:35:05.690
that's worse. Because if they don't notice, by the time
646
00:35:05.730 --> 00:35:09.250
they realize they don't fit into the system, they think
647
00:35:09.309 --> 00:35:13.369
it's because of their deficiency. But if we can say, yeah,
648
00:35:14.070 --> 00:35:17.349
this is bogus. that this says he, and it shouldn't
649
00:35:17.369 --> 00:35:19.409
be that. And so we like wrote a little email
650
00:35:19.469 --> 00:35:20.349
to the person.
651
00:35:20.510 --> 00:35:23.309
Yes. Turn it into action. Yes.
652
00:35:23.469 --> 00:35:25.550
I mean, I will, she crosses out all the time
653
00:35:25.610 --> 00:35:28.849
on the back on books that she's reading. If it
654
00:35:28.889 --> 00:35:32.050
says he, she crosses out and says slash she on
655
00:35:32.190 --> 00:35:35.409
all the books she's reading. So she's, she's putting herself
656
00:35:36.510 --> 00:35:39.739
where the world is not putting her. And, and I
657
00:35:39.840 --> 00:35:44.469
think that that, I mean, the question before about religion,
658
00:35:44.510 --> 00:35:47.889
like if you do choose to go to church, great.
659
00:35:48.610 --> 00:35:50.670
Trust yourself and your decision that you've made on that.
660
00:35:50.690 --> 00:35:51.329
That's awesome.
661
00:35:51.929 --> 00:35:55.469
And then if something comes up during a sermon, if
662
00:35:55.550 --> 00:35:59.980
your child wants to know why father, why son, like
663
00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:02.840
maybe we can talk about that. Maybe we can talk
664
00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:05.159
about why is God a father?
665
00:36:05.619 --> 00:36:06.679
How come? Maybe.
666
00:36:07.380 --> 00:36:12.980
Um, And I think just naming it is so huge.
667
00:36:13.659 --> 00:36:17.139
And naming the places where you still struggle is huge
668
00:36:17.300 --> 00:36:20.389
because they aren't missing that either.
669
00:36:20.409 --> 00:36:23.650
Yeah. And it's like what Dr. Becky always teaches us.
670
00:36:23.690 --> 00:36:25.670
It's like if you are noticing it, you are not it.
671
00:36:26.409 --> 00:36:29.010
If they are not noticing it, then they are it.
672
00:36:29.030 --> 00:36:29.210
Right.
673
00:36:30.639 --> 00:36:32.300
But it's like what we talk about with when you
674
00:36:32.340 --> 00:36:34.280
notice your anger, you know, suddenly you're not the anger,
675
00:36:34.300 --> 00:36:36.369
you're the wiser thing. If our kid is noticing it,
676
00:36:36.429 --> 00:36:38.809
that means they are not it, which is the whole shebang.
677
00:36:38.829 --> 00:36:42.929
It's good. And also not identify, like the assumptions.
678
00:36:43.070 --> 00:36:47.389
We had a conversation with Hannah Gadsby and she was
679
00:36:47.510 --> 00:36:53.699
talking about how a really moving thing where her mother,
680
00:36:54.219 --> 00:36:56.619
who had a hard time because of culturally the way
681
00:36:56.780 --> 00:37:00.530
they grew up, with her coming out later in life
682
00:37:00.659 --> 00:37:03.780
and that she came around to saying that her greatest
683
00:37:03.840 --> 00:37:08.400
regret was raising her assuming, raising her as if she
684
00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:10.320
was a straight girl.
685
00:37:11.099 --> 00:37:13.920
And I think we do a lot of that.
686
00:37:15.489 --> 00:37:19.010
The realization I came from a place of is that
687
00:37:19.289 --> 00:37:24.210
I was raising neurodivergent children as if they were neurotypical.
688
00:37:24.829 --> 00:37:28.599
So I was projecting on them the way they were
689
00:37:28.639 --> 00:37:31.519
experiencing the world and trying to protect them from it.
690
00:37:32.300 --> 00:37:34.420
But that was not the way they were going through
691
00:37:34.440 --> 00:37:38.940
the world. And I think that we do a damage
692
00:37:38.980 --> 00:37:42.030
when we assume anything. With my daughter all the time
693
00:37:42.090 --> 00:37:43.869
or my son, I'll say, do you have any crush
694
00:37:43.969 --> 00:37:47.889
on any boys or girls? Or do you like, is
695
00:37:47.909 --> 00:37:50.110
there anybody out there you have a crush on? Or
696
00:37:50.210 --> 00:37:53.610
who would you like to? And just not making assumptions
697
00:37:54.210 --> 00:37:58.130
because assumptions are burdens. to them, that they have to,
698
00:38:00.090 --> 00:38:03.929
it is an, an assumption is an expectation that they
699
00:38:03.949 --> 00:38:06.550
will either live up to or will have to come
700
00:38:06.590 --> 00:38:08.449
and confront you and let you know you weren't right
701
00:38:08.489 --> 00:38:08.880
about that.
702
00:38:09.050 --> 00:38:10.639
And that's not a burden you want to give them.
703
00:38:12.119 --> 00:38:13.599
And the one thing I want to add there for
704
00:38:13.619 --> 00:38:16.679
everyone listening, okay, is a lot of times we think
705
00:38:16.719 --> 00:38:18.500
we have to know something or be able to fix
706
00:38:18.539 --> 00:38:20.840
something as a parent to talk to our kids about.
707
00:38:21.510 --> 00:38:21.670
Right?
708
00:38:21.730 --> 00:38:24.389
This diet culture, right? Patriarchal structure.
709
00:38:24.469 --> 00:38:26.670
I don't think any of us task ourselves with single-handedly
710
00:38:26.730 --> 00:38:29.639
fixing that or knowing everything. And actually, that's the stuff
711
00:38:29.679 --> 00:38:31.659
our kids need us most. So just to raise a question, hey,
712
00:38:31.719 --> 00:38:33.940
what is that? Why do they have he there? What
713
00:38:33.980 --> 00:38:36.199
is going on there? You notice that. And again, I
714
00:38:36.219 --> 00:38:38.239
think we say, and then what? That's it.
715
00:38:38.280 --> 00:38:39.719
That's it. You've done the thing.
716
00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:42.800
As long as you can question something, the water doesn't
717
00:38:43.000 --> 00:38:47.099
flood in. You've already kept it outside. So to end,
718
00:38:47.519 --> 00:38:50.510
one last question. It'll be short answer. I'm big on mantras, right?
719
00:38:50.530 --> 00:38:52.710
I think a go-to mantra for me related to the
720
00:38:52.730 --> 00:38:55.199
stuff I'm working on is always like, Becky, right now,
721
00:38:56.199 --> 00:38:58.679
you're doing enough. You're doing exactly what you need to
722
00:38:58.719 --> 00:39:01.880
be doing when I'm trying to not maybe be productive.
723
00:39:01.940 --> 00:39:05.320
And I'm curious if each of you could share, I
724
00:39:05.619 --> 00:39:08.400
don't know, some type of mantra or message that you
725
00:39:08.420 --> 00:39:11.039
feel like in your own, you know, personal development journeys,
726
00:39:11.059 --> 00:39:14.019
a quick one, like one sentence that you might say
727
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to yourself.
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We can do hard things.
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Mine is you don't need to suffer to succeed.
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Mine I'm working on is things can come easy to
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me because I think that I try to earn the
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good things I have by suffering for them. And Glennon
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said something earlier on that don't worry so much about
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raising good kids that you forget you already have them.
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That we can just rest in ease that our kids
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are good, that we are good, that good things can
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come to us without manufacturing all of the suffering for it.
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Thanks for listening.
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To share a story or ask me a question, go
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00:40:13.170 --> 00:40:17.750
to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at
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podcast goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job
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in the world, and parents deserve resources and support so
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they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to
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00:40:32.760 --> 00:40:36.949
share Good Inside membership, the first platform that brings together
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00:40:37.090 --> 00:40:41.030
content and experts you trust with a global community of
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like-valued parents.
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It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr.
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00:40:47.099 --> 00:40:51.269
Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at
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Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knatt,
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00:40:57.230 --> 00:41:00.929
and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky,
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00:41:01.269 --> 00:41:05.409
Mary Panico, Ashley Valenzuela, and the rest of the Good
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00:41:05.449 --> 00:41:09.039
Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go.
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Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and
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reminding ourselves... even as I struggle, and even as I
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have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.