WEBVTT
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Lindsay, I have a question.
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If it's about the smell in the East Wing, I already submitted a work order.
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It's not about the smell.
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Who is the woman in the lobby or in the lanyard?
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And the white coat, covered in what I'm assuming is flour and cinnamon?
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Oh, that's Tara.
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She's our temporary hire.
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Why do we need a temp?
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Did someone quit?
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Did we lose another intern to the catacombs?
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No, the interns are fine.
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Mostly.
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Tara's stepping in as a guest tour guide tonight.
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And she passed the background check.
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I didn't realize willingness to lie to historians was a prerequisite, but I passed with flying colors.
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Oh god, there's two of you now.
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I know! Isn't she perfect?
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I found her wandering near the loading dock and handed her a clipboard and a big stick.
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I was told there'd be health insurance, but so far I've only been given a flashlight and a tetanus shot.
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Yep, that sounds about right.
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We don't have dental, by the way.
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That's fine.
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I brought my own teeth.
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What?
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See, she fits right the fuck in.
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Yep, it do be like that.
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Tara, do you have any idea what you've signed up for?
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Lindsay said we look at weird stuff and occasionally traumatize you.
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If that's the case, I'm working for free.
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Well, fine.
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Open the doors.
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For the temp finds a secret lab and unleashes an ancient plague.
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What?
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to the auditorium inside the Oddities department, where the theme has been chosen for us, where we actually get to touch the exhibits, and where all logic and reason have gone to die.
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I'm Gavin.
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I'm Lindsay.
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And I'm Tara.
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If you don't know Tara, you absolutely should.
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When she isn't tempted for us, she's the host of a fantastic podcast, Thick Thighs and Murder Vibes.
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Absolutely.
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Like Lindsay said, I'm the host of Fig Thies and Murder Vibes, which is a 420-friendly true crime podcast where I tell you horrifying stories with the energy of your slightly unhinged best friend who did way too much research.
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We talk about true crime, questionable decisions, and all the moments that make you stop and go, Sir, what the actual So, if that sounds like your kind of chaos, come hang out with me.
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New episodes drop every Wednesday, and you can find Thick Thighs and Murder Vibes wherever you listen to podcasts.
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And apparently today I've been temporarily trusted with a museum exhibit, which feels like a terrible decision on your part, but I am thrilled to be here.
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We welcome you with open arms and caution.
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For those of you who have just checked in, please put on your masks and all of the PPE, and you might want to say a prayer or two.
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Congratulations on stumbling into our very first guest tour.
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Around here, we call our episodes tours, and tonight, Lindsay and I are no longer driving the bus.
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We handed the steering wheel to Tara, and honestly, we aren't entirely sure where we're going.
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Usually, I have a small inkling about what fresh horrors Lindsay is going to drag me through.
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Tonight, we're just as in the dark as you are.
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Tara picked the theme and we just had to scramble to match the energy.
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It's true.
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We are entirely at her mercy.
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But to level the playing field, we're also forcing her to navigate some brand new museum wings tonight.
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After our usual exhibit tour, we will be cutting the ribbon on our newest wing, the auditorium.
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An interactive exhibit experience.
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We have three new interactive exhibits for our guest tour guide and for our listeners.
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It's gonna get wild, it's gonna get weird.
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Which I've been told is pretty on brand for around these parts.
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Exactly.
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It's essentially a hazing ritual disguised as a podcast.
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So welcome to the team, Tara.
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I'm just happy to be out of the house, honestly.
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Please enjoy your visit, stay with the group, and whatever you do, do not drink anything from the apothecary jars.
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Grab your flashlight, check your footing, stay behind the rope and follow us.
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There are no shortcuts to this tour.
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Oh, I just so happen to have a flashlight.
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You're gonna need it, Tara.
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As the guest curator, you hold the keys tonight.
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What is the uh overarching theme you've chosen to ruin Gavin's night with?
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Tonight we're opening up the medical nightmare exhibit.
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Our theme is strange cures and questionable remedies.
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Naturally.
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Bloodletting, toxic heavy metals, Victorian doctors prescribing ghosts.
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We've been down this road before.
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What could possibly go wrong?
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So much, Gavin.
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So much.
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I cannot wait.
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Although I'm already dreading how you interpreted this scene, Gavin.
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My exhibit is completely professional, highly educational, boring.
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Thoroughly researched presentation about medical history.
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I'll be the judge of that.
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Exactly.
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But Tara is the VIP tonight, so she gets to lead the way into the ward first.
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Alright, Tara, the floor is yours.
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Masks up, everyone.
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Follow me.
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This is Exhibit 139.
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Ski! Okay.
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Before we get into the weeds today, I need both of you to picture a graham cracker.
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I like graham crackers.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I'm a fan.
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It's just it's just a regular, innocent little graham cracker.
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Maybe you're picturing a cheesecake crust.
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Maybe.
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You're picturing those little cinnamon teddy bears you used to inhale by the handfuls as a child.
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Wow, that just unlocked something inside of me.
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Or maybe you're picturing a campfire s'more.
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Crispy cracker, molten marshmallow, melted Hershey bar running down your knuckles.
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Pure, unadulterated, carb-loaded joy.
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It's quite literally one of the least threatening, most pedestrian grocery items on planet Earth.
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It lives on the shelf right next to the vanilla wafers and the animal crackers.
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Now, what if I told you that somewhere in the family tree of this innocent little beige rectangle is an antebellum Presbyterian minister who was insanely psychologically concerned about America's eating habits and America's spiritual morality?
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And most importantly, what every single man, woman, and child was doing with their private parts behind closed doors.
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I beg your findings pardon.
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I I mean I'm also one and I I'm interested in what people are doing with their private parts behind closed doors too.
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They didn't see that coming.
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Well, in the early 1800s, according to this man, our digestive track and your libido were essentially running on the exact same circuit breaker.
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That checks out.
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So today we are talking about Reverend Sylvester Graham, preacher, temperance lecturer, vegetarian, evangelist, coarse grain zealot, professional enemy of joy, and the man whose name is permanently stamped on a cardboard box in your pantry.
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And I need to get one massive historical caveat out of the way before we even unlock the doors to this exhibit.
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The graham cracker you buy at the store today, the sweet one, the one packed with honey, brown sugar, cinnamon, and refined flour, that is not what Sylvester Graham baked.
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Not even in the same geological epoch.
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In fact, if Sylvester Graham were resurrected today and handed a modern honeymade cracker, the sheer caloric delight would probably give him an aneurysm and kill him a second time.
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Because this man dedicated his entire adult existence to convincing the public that flavorful, stimulating food would physically and spiritually destroy them.
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Has he ever had good food?
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I mean, I don't think so.
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I mean, based on what Tara said, if he did, it probably gave him a boner or something.
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He probably didn't like it because of God.
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I don't know.
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There it is.
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I'm rolling with it.
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So the modern food industry responded by turning his name into dessert scaffolding for melted milk chocolate and fire roasted marshmallows.
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Seems reasonable enough.
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It is quite frankly the most spectacular act of corporate disrespect in American history, and I cherish that deeply.
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So to understand how we got here, we have to travel back to the early 19th century.
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So get in the DeLorean and let's go.
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Who the fuck was Sylvester Graham?
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Well, he was born in West Suffild, Connecticut, in 1794.
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He was the 17th child of a 72-year-old father who died when Sylvester was an infant, and after a chaotic childhood spent being passed around relatives, he eventually st I know.
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Seventeen.
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I know, it's a vagina, not a clown car.
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Was his mother named Sheila by chance?
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You know, I don't think I uh I don't think I found that.
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I don't know.
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You know what?
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For the sake of it, we're gonna say yes.
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I agree.
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Probably.
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It makes sense.
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Yeah, probably.
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Yeah.
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Sheila seems like somebody who would have 17 children.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Sylvester eventually studied at Amherst Academy and was ordained as a Presbyterian minister in 1826.
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Now, Graham didn't stay in a traditional pulpit for very long.
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He started working for the Pennsylvania Temperance Society in 1830, lecturing against the evils of demon liquor.
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And this was a wild moment to decide you were going to fix how the entire country functioned.
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America in the 1830s was in the middle of massive industrial upheaval.
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People were moving from rural farms into packed smoggy cities.
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Factories were booming, and the way Americans ate was changing rapidly.
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For centuries, flour had been milled in ways that left the coarse brand and the germ in the grain.
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But newer, more industrial milling and bolting technology meant commercial millers could easily strip away the outer layers and produce fine, silky, snow white flour.
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To nineteenth century consumers, white bread was high status.
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It looked clean, it looked modern, it looked refined.
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Commercial bakers loved it because it sold fast, and they frequently spiked it with chemical additives like alum, chloride, and plaster dust.
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And plaster dust to make stale low-grade flour look blindingly white and fluffy.
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Sylvester Graham looked at this fluffy white loaf and saw the literal downfall of Western civilization.
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Alright.
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That's a strange very traumatic.
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White bread, the downfall of Western civilization.
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You're going to hell if you if you eat white bread.
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Wander's out.
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Cracked wheat is in.
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White bread is going to be the reason Jesus comes back.
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And not in a good way.
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Oh man.
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Okay.
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He looked around at modern American life and said, absolutely fucking not.
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Graham came to believe that the entire trajectory of modern civilization was a biological disaster.
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Human beings, he argued, were designed by the creator to live under strict natural laws, and modern luxury was poisoning our physical and moral machinery.
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And to be completely fair to Sylvester, before we get to the parts where he completely flies off the rails, some of his baseline health advice sounds weirdly progressive to modern ears.
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He told people to exercise regularly.
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He told people to open their windows and get fresh air.
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He advocated for daily bathing and brushing your teeth, which in the 1930s, when people treated soap like a decorative novelty and smelled like hot leather, was revolutionary.
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We thank you, Mr.
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Graham Crackerman.
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Thank you.
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Yes, yes, the best cracker.
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He demanded adequate sleep.
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He hated tobacco.
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He was a hardcore opponent of alcohol.
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He advocated for a strictly vegetarian diet.
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He warned against overeating.
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And he insisted that people should eat coarse whole wheat flour with all the bran and fiber intact rather than chemically bleached commercial junk.
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So when you first look at his program, you're standing there thinking, okay, great.
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We're walking, we're taking a shower, we're drinking cold water, we're eating some fiber, we're sleeping eight hours.
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I'm with you, Sylvester.
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Sounds reasonable, right?
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Same.
00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:56.399
Yeah, not bad.
00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:04.399
Well, hold on to your hats, because we have several more rooms in this museum, and the lighting gets significantly darker.
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Because Graham did not view whole grains and cold showers as simple lifestyle preferences.
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He viewed them through a rigid, moralistic, psychological lens.
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He believed your diet directly governed your nervous system, your moral character, your spiritual purity, and your sexual desires.
00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:32.480
And that is the exact door we are kicking wide open.
00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:43.600
So to understand Graham's panic, you have to realize that 19th century medicine was swimming in bizarre, deeply puritanical ideas about the human nervous system.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:55.519
And the single biggest medical boogeyman of the antebellum era was self-pollution, the 19th century clinical polite term for masturbation.
00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:56.240
Oh no.
00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:00.879
I'm gonna go self-pollute.
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:02.799
I'll be back in a little bit.
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Sorry, I was in the bathroom for so long.
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I was self-polluting.
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Uh no one will know.
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:11.200
It'll be great.
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And one particularly persistent belief was that masturbation was physically dangerous.
00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:19.039
If you're doing it right, it is.
00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:20.639
Absolutely.
00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:28.080
I don't know about you guys, but I personally have never been sexually assaulted by my vibrator.
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You may be doing it wrong, but uh okay.
00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:38.639
It said it was waterproof, okay?
00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:39.840
Oh no.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:47.519
I guess when you define assault in that way.
00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:53.440
Now, Graham did not invent this panic.
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European medical uh treaties had spent the preceding century aggressively claiming that masturbation depleted your vital life forces, damaged your brain, and caused everything from spinal decay to blindness and madness.
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:19.919
There was zero scientific basis for any of this, obviously, but at the time, prominent physicians treated it as unquestioned medical fact.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:22.960
I feel like that is actually the whole theme for today.
00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:26.559
I heard this guy say it.
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:27.600
Roll with it.
00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:30.559
No scientific basis for any of this.
00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:38.960
So Graham took this pre-existing medical hysteria, looked at the dinner table, and declared, the problem is your groceries.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:47.519
Under Graham's psychological model, the human stomach and the human brain were directly linked through the nervous system.
00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:58.159
If you ate foods that were physically stimulating, you overstimulated your nerves, overheated your blood, and sent your base animal passions into an uncontrollable spiral.
00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:07.279
And what counted as stimulating, you may ask?
00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:10.799
Well, lucky for you, I have a list.
00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:14.559
Meat was massively corrupting according to Graham.
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Alcohol and tobacco, coffee and tea was too exciting for your delicate nervous system.
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Strong spices like pepper, mustard, vinegar, cinnamon, pretty much anything with flavor.
00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:29.759
Highly refined sugar and rich desserts.
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Warm, freshly baked bread.
00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:42.559
Graham insisted bread must sit for at least 12 to 24 hours before eating because warm bread was far too soft, doughy, and hedonistic.
00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:45.680
This man has no fucking joy in his life.
00:17:47.359 --> 00:17:54.000
And after listening to this list, um when I say that I'm overstimulated, apparently I'm being very literal.
00:17:54.400 --> 00:18:10.799
Basically, if it tasted good, smelled interesting, or brought even a fleeting microscopic burst of sensory pleasure to your tongue, Sylvester Graham was convinced it was greasing the wheels for a one-way trip to moral degradation.
00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:13.680
You want some garlic sticks, bruh?
00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:18.079
You telling me Graham don't even want no garlic sticks?
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:20.880
Olive garden?
00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:26.000
I just love imagining inviting this man over for dinner.
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:28.799
Like, hey Sylvester, can I get you a cup of coffee?
00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:30.319
Satan's broth?
00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:30.960
No.
00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:33.359
How about a glass of wine?
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:34.319
Poison?
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:36.960
A piece of seasoned roast chicken?
00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:40.960
Are you actively trying to damn my soul to hell?
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:45.680
Sir, I literally asked if you wanted black pepper on your cabbage.
00:18:46.079 --> 00:18:47.519
He does like cabbage.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:49.920
Who doesn't?
00:18:50.160 --> 00:18:52.079
And black pepper comes from a plant.
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:53.519
I know.
00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.960
It's too flavorful and overstimulating.
00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:11.759
Graham was convinced that by stripping away all spices, animal proteins, stimulants, and sweets, you could cool the body's internal furnace, calm the nervous system, and suppress involuntary sexual impulses.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:31.359
In 1834, he published a famous lecture series on a lecture to young men on chastity, warning that sexual stimulation, even within a marriage, should be strictly limited to roughly once a month, and that masturbation would physically disintegrate you.
00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:34.640
His solution was radical blandness.
00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:43.680
Eat unseasoned plants, drink cold water, sleep on a rock hard mattress, take freezing baths, and chew on whole grains.
00:19:43.920 --> 00:19:49.440
Because if your tongue never experiences joy, your genitals won't get any funny ideas.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:50.079
Oh.
00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:56.640
Is this guy by chance like best friends with John Harvey Kellogg?
00:19:56.880 --> 00:19:57.839
By chance?
00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:02.559
Uh no, but I do mention Kellogg.
00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:05.680
I know you guys already covered him, but I I do mention him.
00:20:05.759 --> 00:20:07.519
But it was because of Yeah.
00:20:07.839 --> 00:20:09.599
I feel like they would be homies.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:10.799
Yeah.
00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:11.440
Okay.
00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:18.799
So Graham began brainstorming across the country, giving lectures on his science of human life.
00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:23.519
And people didn't just listen, they formed a cult-like movement.
00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:27.839
His followers were known as Grayumites.
00:20:28.559 --> 00:20:34.400
Which honestly sounds like a colony of wood-boring insects you have to call an exterminator for.
00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:36.000
It really does.
00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:41.519
The food that he was eating very likely tasted like just wood as well, so that fits.
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:44.799
Honey, we have grammonites in the attic.
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:46.559
Jesus Christ, are they bad?
00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:48.240
Call the exterminator.
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:52.400
They threw out the black pepper and they're chewing raw oats in the dark.
00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:58.240
Graham boarding houses popped up in major cities like New York and Boston.
00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:12.400
These were specialized communes and rooming houses where you could live among fellow believers, eat strictly according to Graham's bland vegetarian rules, sleep on hard beds with open windows in winter, and drink cold spring water.
00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:14.480
I'm not making any of this up.
00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:19.119
No, I believe it because he is like a copy-paste version of Mr.
00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:19.920
Kellogg.
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:20.720
It's wild.
00:21:21.039 --> 00:21:31.359
Famous intellectuals and public figures visited or adopted aspects of the diet, including Horace Greeley, the legendary newspaper editor.
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:37.680
Naturally, outside of his devoted disciples, people thought Graham was an absolute crank.
00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:39.920
The press don't say.
00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:43.759
The press roasted him mercilessly.
00:21:44.559 --> 00:21:48.559
A local Massachusetts newspaper formally mocked him as Dr.
00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:51.680
Brand, the philosopher of sawdust pudding.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.039
Verbally back then it was just it was so much better.
00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:12.880
Ralph Waldo Emerson took a swipe at him, calling him the poet of Bran and Pumpkins.
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:13.920
Dude!
00:22:14.720 --> 00:22:16.960
Where did the pumpkins come from?
00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:18.160
What?
00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:20.480
It was the 18th century.
00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:24.079
Like they don't insult people the way we do nowadays.
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:31.759
Why do they just imagine Rolf Ralph Waldo Emerson with like a full grill and like gold chains?
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:33.839
Pull it up Randy Pumpkin.
00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:41.440
Commercial food producers were genuinely pissed off.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:50.480
In 1837, Graham published his landmark work, a treatise on bread and bread making.
00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:54.880
In it, he laid out his entire philosophy.
00:22:55.119 --> 00:23:02.640
Commercial bakers were corrupt cheats poisoning the public with bleached, blotted flour and chemical stabilizers.
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:09.200
And every household should take back control of their bodies by baking dense, coarse whole wheat bread at home.
00:23:09.359 --> 00:23:12.960
The bakers and butchers of Boston took this personally.
00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:27.519
In the spring of 1837, when Graham was scheduled to lecture at the Armory Hall in Boston, a mob composed of angry commercial bakers and local butchers marched on the venue to shut him down.
00:23:28.480 --> 00:23:32.079
The owner of the hall backed out due to threats of violence.
00:23:32.319 --> 00:23:44.559
Graham had to move the lecture to a hotel, and his supporters had to barricade the building and threaten the mob with barrels of slaked lime from the upper windows to prevent a full-blown riot.
00:23:44.880 --> 00:23:45.200
What?
00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:46.960
So let that sink in.
00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:48.640
Can you imagine?
00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:55.599
The man just wanted to talk about his car preferences, and people are trying to break into the building.
00:23:56.480 --> 00:23:57.680
Good lord.
00:23:58.079 --> 00:24:03.839
In 1837, people nearly rioted in the streets of Boston over whole wheat flour.
00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:11.279
Imagine being so aggressively anti-fun that the local butchers and bakers show up to beat your ass with rolling pins.
00:24:12.319 --> 00:24:15.039
That's just Hall of Fame hater energy.
00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:35.119
Whole nother mob.
00:24:37.279 --> 00:24:41.039
Could you imagine if Dave's killer bread was around at this time?
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:49.920
Manufactured by criminals! Even like you defiled the whole grain.
00:24:50.799 --> 00:24:52.960
Except for Dave's hash grain.
00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:54.640
He might have actually liked it.
00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:56.960
I know, but it had other stuff in it too.
00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:02.160
Like, oh well, I guess all that stuff that's inside of it's pretty fucking boring, too.
00:25:02.559 --> 00:25:03.599
Fair enough.
00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:12.160
You know, I never in a million years thought I'd be hanging out with two really good friends laughing this hard at bread manufacturing.
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:14.400
But here we are.
00:25:15.119 --> 00:25:16.720
You're welcome.
00:25:17.440 --> 00:25:20.000
Now let's look at the actual bread.
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:25.920
Graham believed that the wheat berry was created by God in perfect proportions.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:30.160
The bran, the germ, the endosperm.
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:43.519
When you sifted out the bran and germ, what was called blotting the flour, you weren't just making white flour, you were committing an act of spiritual and nutritional arrogance.
00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:54.480
He promoted what became known as gram flour, unbolted, coarsely ground whole wheat flour that retained all the roughage.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:59.759
And the bread made from this flour was not supposed to be a warm pillowy treat.
00:25:59.920 --> 00:26:07.119
It was dense, it was heavy, it required vigorous jaw exhausting mastication.
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:10.799
This was serious, responsible bread.
00:26:11.039 --> 00:26:14.480
Bread that makes you confront your life choices while you chew it.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:23.440
Bread that filed its taxes early, goes to bed at 8 15 PM, and has never once sent an ill-advised text message after midnight.
00:26:24.079 --> 00:26:36.799
From this coarse gram flour and gram bread, early health reformers and commercial bakers began developing dry, hard, holy crackers, what became known as gram crackers.
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:41.039
And this is where our modern misunderstanding begins.
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:50.160
Sylvester Graham didn't stroll down to the United States patent and trademark office with a red cardboard box of honeymaids.
00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:53.119
He didn't invent a trademark snack product.
00:26:53.440 --> 00:27:00.160
He popularized the coarse flour and the physiological philosophy.
00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:14.880
Crackers baked from graham flour became a staple of 19th century health boarding houses and health sanitariums because they were self-stable, high fiber, completely unseasoned, and took forever to chew.
00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:17.359
So that's how they're getting their exercise.
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:19.680
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:27:19.839 --> 00:27:22.400
Chewing a lot counts as exercise?
00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.960
I am a freaking professional athlete at this point.
00:27:27.759 --> 00:27:28.480
Hell yeah.
00:27:28.799 --> 00:27:30.480
When just going to the Olympics.
00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:33.920
I'm going to the motherfucking Olympics, you guys.
00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:37.920
Sponsored by Monjaro.
00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:42.640
I'm also on Monjaro.
00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:46.880
We're the American team, you guys.
00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:48.799
We're going to fuck you hoes.
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:52.000
What are you on the Zempies?
00:27:52.240 --> 00:27:54.480
I have to starve my fucking self.
00:27:55.599 --> 00:27:56.799
Willingly.
00:27:57.119 --> 00:27:59.440
I got some extras if you want some.
00:28:01.519 --> 00:28:03.039
Well, on that note.
00:28:03.599 --> 00:28:04.240
On that note.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:05.920
We'll talk later.
00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:09.119
Is this what middle-aged drug deals look like?
00:28:09.519 --> 00:28:15.440
We just got that good, good.
00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:16.160
Yeah.
00:28:16.400 --> 00:28:18.720
Fuck that cocaine, you got that Jarro.
00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:21.039
Meet me behind the 7-Eleven.
00:28:21.519 --> 00:28:29.839
You twist it to the unlock position, pull the cap off, place it on body part of choice, and push the button.
00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:31.839
Wait for the click.
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:35.440
We're so cool, you guys.
00:28:37.519 --> 00:28:38.640
Oh, fuck.
00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:47.119
They were functional STEAR rations designed to keep your digestion active and your sinful soul in check.
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:57.279
Now, we have to make a quick detour here because if you've listened to earlier exhibits in the museum, you're probably experiencing severe deja vu right now.
00:28:57.519 --> 00:28:58.799
Yeah, I am.
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:05.200
A religious health reformer, vegetarianism, a deep burning anxiety about masturbation.
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:12.640
A crusade against spices and meat, inventing weird grain foods to save people's souls.
00:29:12.799 --> 00:29:14.480
Haven't we met this guy before?
00:29:14.720 --> 00:29:15.440
We sure have.
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:16.319
Yes.
00:29:16.960 --> 00:29:18.240
Yes, you have.
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:36.559
Because Sylvester Graham laid the ideological groundwork for the entire late 19th century American health food movement, which directly fed into the Seventh-day Adventist health message, the Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan, and the legendary Dr.
00:29:36.720 --> 00:29:38.240
John Harvey Kellogg.
00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:40.559
There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.079
The Kellogg.
00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:43.200
The man, the myth?
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:43.839
The Kalog.
00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:45.519
The legend himself.
00:29:46.559 --> 00:29:48.079
Fucking weirdo.
00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.720
Now, Graham died in 1851, a year before Kellogg was even born.
00:29:54.799 --> 00:30:03.519
So Sylvester was not Kellogg's personal mentor, but Kellogg was swimming in the exact same theological dietary street.
00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:18.160
Kellogg took Graham's ideas about sexual suppression, vegetarianism, and grain-based health foods, shoved them into the late 19th century, and ended up creating early versions of granola, flaked cereals, and fake meats.
00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:19.680
Sad food.
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:25.359
And I'm sorry, um he was born one year after Graham died.
00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:26.079
Yes.
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:31.759
How positive are we that it is not just the reincarnation of Graham?
00:30:32.559 --> 00:30:35.839
You know, you can never be too sure.
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:39.039
That's my new chosen reality.
00:30:39.119 --> 00:30:41.440
You cannot convince me otherwise.
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:56.240
So if you're building a family tree of Puritanical grain crusaders who wanted to police what you do in your bedroom by feeding you cardboard at breakfast, Sylvester Graham is the grandfather.
00:30:56.559 --> 00:30:59.599
John Harvey Kellogg is the eccentric uncle.
00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:05.039
And your box of Morningstar Farms veggie bacon is the distant cousin twice removed.
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:06.079
Oh no.
00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:08.000
Gonna have to throw that out.
00:31:08.319 --> 00:31:12.720
But wait, does a graham cracker actually cure being horny?
00:31:13.119 --> 00:31:14.000
Well, no.
00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:16.880
Obviously and scientifically, no.
00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:23.359
And I need to say that out loud because this exhibit is called Strange Cures and Questionable Remedies.
00:31:23.519 --> 00:31:33.839
And I don't want anyone listening to this episode driving past a grocery store and thinking, fascinating, I'll buy three boxes of honey grams and cancel my Tinder subscription.
00:31:34.079 --> 00:31:35.920
Don't do that.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:40.960
Eating whole wheat fiber does not magically eliminate human libido.
00:31:41.279 --> 00:31:57.200
Graham's underlying 19th-century medical theory that sexual desire is a dangerous neurological overheating sparked by dietary stimulation and that masturbation causes physical decay has been thoroughly discarded by modern medical science.
00:31:57.440 --> 00:32:09.759
If you eat a handful of graham crackers today, the only thing that's going to happen to your body is that you're going to get some carbohydrates, a little bit of dietary fiber, and a bunch of crumbs between your couch cushions.
00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:11.119
That's it.
00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:15.039
Sounds like a good night to me, personally.
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:19.920
So I will still want to masturbate after I eat the graham cracker?
00:32:20.400 --> 00:32:23.680
Oh, you would probably masturbate while eating the graham crackers.
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:25.920
Hell yeah, brother.
00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:28.480
Do you have cameras in my living room?
00:32:30.640 --> 00:32:35.279
And this is the real nuance of the story that often gets lost in the memes.
00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:41.839
On the internet, you'll constantly see the quick punchline graham crackers were invented to stop people from jerking off.
00:32:42.400 --> 00:32:53.279
It's the hilarious headline, it's an insecure it's an incredible sentence, but the cracker itself was never a standalone magical sex suppressing pill.
00:32:53.599 --> 00:33:02.799
Sylvester Graham wasn't standing on street corners tossing biscuits at teenagers like, eat two of these and call me in the morning if you're if you still have an erection.
00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:04.880
No, please really call me.
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:06.240
Let me know about it.
00:33:07.200 --> 00:33:12.400
The remedy was the entire exhausting, all-encompassing lifestyle.
00:33:12.720 --> 00:33:14.319
It was total control.
00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:27.920
Control the ingredients in your pantry, control the temperature of your bathwater, control the firmness of your mattress, control the hours of your sleep, control the speed at which you chew your food.
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:33.519
And through that unrelenting discipline, control your body and your moral destiny.
00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:43.440
The coarse bread was just an ultimate holy symbol of that control, because bread was the absolute foundation of the 19th century diet.
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:51.599
If you could strip the pleasure and the artificiality out of bread, Graham believed you could strip the sin out of human nature.
00:33:51.839 --> 00:33:56.480
And when you step back and look at it, have we really changed at all?
00:33:56.799 --> 00:33:58.319
Not one bit.
00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:11.039
Every single generation produces a new charismatic prophet who stands up and swears on their life that one specific dietary villain is the secret root of all human suffering.
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:17.760
In the 1830s, Sylvester Graham said white flour and pepper were destroying your nervous system and your morality.
00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:23.920
In the 1990s, we were told dietary fat was the absolute biological curse.
00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:45.280
Today, you open TikTok or Instagram and some wellness group guru in a beige linen shirt is staring dead into the camera, telling you that seed oils are ruining your hormones, lectins are punching holes in your gut, and their proprietary green powder will spiritually align your liver.
00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:50.239
The vocabulary updates, the science evolves, the platforms change.
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:53.119
The group chat remains fundamentally the same.
00:34:53.440 --> 00:35:05.760
Human beings have an eternal, insatiable appetite for someone who will look them in the eye and say, I have discovered the exact thing you're eating that is ruining your entire life.
00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:09.679
Every single thing I have ever eaten.
00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:13.599
In my own experience.
00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:16.320
Except graham crackers.
00:35:16.400 --> 00:35:17.440
Those are fine.
00:35:18.320 --> 00:35:21.840
I mean, just before we started recording, I was eating jelly bellies.
00:35:22.559 --> 00:35:25.599
I'm so jealous that I don't have jelly bellies.
00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:26.239
Man.
00:35:27.039 --> 00:35:29.840
We'll have to give you some jelly bellies for next time.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:36.559
Sylvester Graham was just doing it in a wool coat before the invention of the smartphone.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:42.639
And that brings us to the absolute crown jewel of this entire historical tragedy.
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:46.480
What actually happened to Sylvester Graham's legacy?
00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:53.920
Sylvester Graham died in Northampton, Massachusetts, in 1851 at the age of 57.
00:35:54.239 --> 00:35:57.679
So look, all this shit, and he doesn't even live very long.
00:35:58.400 --> 00:36:01.039
I am not surprised.
00:36:01.679 --> 00:36:03.280
Not even a little bit.
00:36:03.519 --> 00:36:05.199
He was probably malnourished.
00:36:05.760 --> 00:36:07.199
He needed more protein.
00:36:08.960 --> 00:36:10.639
And he wasn't having sex.
00:36:12.800 --> 00:36:15.039
His body just gave the fuck up.
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:21.599
On his di on his deathbed, he probably was like, I should have self-polluted more.
00:36:23.760 --> 00:36:26.880
Plot twist, Jesus came down must be like, dude, you fucked up.
00:36:26.960 --> 00:36:27.360
I didn't care.
00:36:27.519 --> 00:36:27.920
I don't care.
00:36:28.159 --> 00:36:29.199
Anyway, come on.
00:36:31.920 --> 00:36:34.079
I'll give two fucks, but come on up.
00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:35.440
You tried.
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:45.440
His specific Graymanite movement eventually fractured and faded, but the name Graham was too recognizable to die.
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:51.519
Commercial bakeries took the idea of the Graham Cracker and immediately began tinkering with it.
00:36:51.760 --> 00:36:56.559
Over the late 19th and early 20th centuries, factory production took over.
00:36:56.800 --> 00:37:08.320
In 1898, the newly formed National Biscuit Company, which you know today as Nabisco began mass producing commercial graham crackers.
00:37:08.559 --> 00:37:13.519
And what did they do with Sylvester's austere, unrefined, joyless health biscuit?
00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:16.880
They added sugar and molasses and honey.
00:37:18.159 --> 00:37:20.880
They added shortening and refined white flour.
00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:22.639
They added joy.
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:26.239
They literally added good stuff to it.
00:37:26.480 --> 00:37:28.880
Do you think they did that a little bit on purpose?
00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:31.920
Kind of like a fuck you, since they all hated him to begin with.
00:37:36.880 --> 00:37:37.840
Maybe.
00:37:38.079 --> 00:37:40.320
If I would have been alive back then, that's what I would do.
00:37:40.559 --> 00:37:40.719
Yeah.
00:37:40.960 --> 00:37:41.840
I'm a petty bitch.
00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:43.199
Yeah.
00:37:44.320 --> 00:37:56.159
In 1925, Nabisco launched Honeymade, officially turning the Reverend's antisensual health cracker into a sweet, golden, commercially mass-produced cookie.
00:37:56.400 --> 00:37:59.679
And then came the final devastating blow.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:07.119
Throughout the 1920s, American campers and Girl Scout troops were experimenting with campfire treats.
00:38:07.760 --> 00:38:16.880
In 1927, Girl Scout Guidebook, Tramping and Trailing in the Girl Scouts leader Loretta Scott Crew.
00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:25.920
Loretta Scott crew published what is widely recognized as the first official named recipe for a campfire treat called Some More.
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:37.039
The recipe called for 16 graham crackers, eight bars of plain chocolate, 16 marshmallows, toasted over open coals until molten and charred.
00:38:37.440 --> 00:38:57.519
You take Sylvester Graham's holy wheat temperance biscuit, you lay a thick slab of industrial milk chocolate on top of it, you spear a ball of processed gelatinized corn syrup, set it on literal fire, slap it on top of the chocolate until it melts into a sugary lava, and you clamp it down with another gram cracker.
00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:04.719
We turned this anti-stimulation purity cracker into a chocolate melting campfire vice sandwich.
00:39:04.960 --> 00:39:22.079
Fuck the patriarchy! Imagine dedicating your entire physical existence to preaching that sensory that sensory pleasure is a biological trap designed to plague humanity into sexual degeneracy.
00:39:22.400 --> 00:39:34.400
And a century later, millions of children and stoners across the globe are using your namesake flower to transport melted Hershey bars into their faces under the stars.
00:39:34.880 --> 00:39:39.840
Sylvester Graham tried to give America eternal moral purity through whole grains.
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:43.360
America said, thanks for the structural integrity, Reverend.
00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:45.360
Now pass the marshmallows.
00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:51.119
And that is why Sylvester Graham earned his spot in the auditorium today.
00:39:51.360 --> 00:39:57.599
Because the history is always so much weirder, funnier, and more human than the sound bites.
00:39:58.000 --> 00:39:59.840
Graham wasn't just a meme.
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:09.280
He was a deeply earnest, intensively neurotic antebellum reformer who tapped into the anxieties of a rapidly changing America.
00:40:09.760 --> 00:40:16.000
He wanted a world of simple food, clean water, quiet nerves, and absolute self-restraint.
00:40:16.159 --> 00:40:20.000
He gave us whole wheat flour and a reminder to take a bath.
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:22.800
And we gave him the s'more.
00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:34.000
I don't know if Sylvester Graham's diet saved a single soul from moral ruin, but nearly two centuries later, his cracker is holding together the greatest camping dessert in human history.
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:39.760
And honestly, I think that's the best questionable remedy we could have ever asked for.
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:40.880
That's valid.
00:40:41.119 --> 00:40:42.079
Very valid.
00:40:42.239 --> 00:40:49.519
And it's so funny to me because he was so spot on on a lot of his, you know, get fresh air, get good sleep, remember to bathe.
00:40:49.599 --> 00:40:51.119
Those are all core concepts.
00:40:51.199 --> 00:40:56.880
And then he's like, white flower will damn you to an eternity in hell.
00:40:57.039 --> 00:40:59.599
Like it's Don't touch your peepees.
00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:01.920
Don't touch your peepees.
00:41:03.280 --> 00:41:05.280
The Lord is watching.
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:07.280
Uh always.
00:41:07.440 --> 00:41:10.480
Probably lit laughing a little bit, I imagine.
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:13.840
How dare you put black pepper on that salad.
00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:18.880
I'm really glad that you were able to uh tie those two things in together for me.
00:41:19.119 --> 00:41:22.400
Cause I was like, I swear to god these motherfuckers be BFFs.
00:41:23.519 --> 00:41:29.599
But now I realize they couldn't be BFFs, and that one of them just really liked the other one.
00:41:30.239 --> 00:41:35.519
I'm fairly positive Kellogg is just a reincarnation of Graham after hearing that.
00:41:35.920 --> 00:41:39.679
I fail to see any wrong with that.
00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:40.400
Yeah.
00:41:40.559 --> 00:41:41.199
No lies.
00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:42.079
Detect it.
00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:53.840
If there's anybody out there listening that uh happens to have a, you know, 23andMe and then your family tree, John Harvey Kellogg is just in there somewhere.
00:41:54.000 --> 00:42:01.760
Could you keep digging and see if maybe somehow the two are actually related and and you know, let us know.
00:42:02.239 --> 00:42:02.880
Yeah.
00:42:03.199 --> 00:42:04.800
We'll bring him on as a guest.
00:42:05.119 --> 00:42:09.280
Be like, so do you ever feel the urge?
00:42:11.679 --> 00:42:14.800
Or when you do feel the urge, do you eat a graham cracker?
00:42:16.719 --> 00:42:20.639
Is your blood fiber content passed down by generation?
00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:21.519
How do you poop?
00:42:21.599 --> 00:42:22.159
How are you pooping?
00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:23.440
Are you pooping though?
00:42:23.679 --> 00:42:24.719
Is it regular?
00:42:25.280 --> 00:42:27.679
Three times a day, once a day, what's going on?
00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:31.280
Do you prefer your bread with or without the jam?
00:42:31.920 --> 00:42:34.800
Oh well, that was very nicely done.
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:36.400
Thank you for your contribution.
00:42:36.719 --> 00:42:37.039
Thank you.
00:42:37.440 --> 00:42:37.760
Thank you.
00:42:37.840 --> 00:42:39.039
I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.
00:42:39.280 --> 00:42:40.239
Miss Lindsay?
00:42:40.559 --> 00:42:46.320
Oh, well, we Similar vibe, completely different font.
00:42:46.480 --> 00:42:49.760
We are just gonna We're just gonna go.
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:55.360
So today, I would like to introduce you to Wilhelm Reich.
00:42:55.760 --> 00:42:59.280
And I'm going to tell you one thing about him before anything else.
00:42:59.519 --> 00:43:03.280
Unfortunately, this man had legitimate credentials.
00:43:03.519 --> 00:43:06.239
Willem Reich was an actual physician.
00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:08.079
Oh God, here we go.
00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:22.880
He studied medicine at the University of Vienna, earned his medical degree in 1922, and while he was still a student, got involved with a little intellectual movement called psychoanalysis.
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:26.639
You may be familiar with its founder, Sigmund Freud.
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:34.320
You know, the man who looked at virtually every human problem and said, Okay, but have we considered fucking your mother?
00:43:34.639 --> 00:43:36.719
You mean that's not the guy with the tigers?
00:43:39.760 --> 00:43:40.559
Close.
00:43:40.960 --> 00:43:41.440
Close.
00:43:41.679 --> 00:43:42.639
Very close.
00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:45.679
Kidding, I know who he is.
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:48.559
Here's the thing.
00:43:48.800 --> 00:43:52.159
Reich didn't just read Freud, he was in the room.
00:43:52.320 --> 00:43:59.760
He was admitted to the Vienna Psychoanalytic Association in the 1920s, before he'd even finished medical school.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:08.400
And went on to practice psychoanalysis, teach therapeutic technique, and become one of the movement's prominent young analysists.
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:10.400
Analysists?
00:44:10.639 --> 00:44:10.880
Yeah.
00:44:11.119 --> 00:44:11.760
Analysts.
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:12.400
Analysts.
00:44:13.039 --> 00:44:13.440
Analysis.
00:44:13.920 --> 00:44:20.800
I would just like to point out that I wanted to say analcists, but I at least did a little better than that.
00:44:21.039 --> 00:44:23.519
You gotta be careful what you say on there, Lindsay.
00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:27.039
You know, I will publish it.
00:44:28.639 --> 00:44:30.320
Kids with ass cancer.
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:33.119
Kids with ass cancer.
00:44:33.280 --> 00:44:35.119
That's my favorite card.
00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:37.679
Well, hold on to that thought.
00:44:37.920 --> 00:44:38.480
Uh-oh.
00:44:39.280 --> 00:44:39.760
So no.
00:44:40.639 --> 00:44:42.320
We're just gonna keep that in mind.
00:44:42.639 --> 00:44:50.800
Fairly soon, I'm going to tell you that Wilhelm Reich built a human-sized box for absorbing invisible sexual life energy.
00:44:51.199 --> 00:44:54.719
We're not starting with the guy selling crystals behind a vape shop.
00:44:54.960 --> 00:44:58.159
Other doctors were taking notes when this man spoke.
00:44:58.320 --> 00:45:01.679
And Reich became particularly interested in one problem.
00:45:02.239 --> 00:45:04.239
Sex, obviously.
00:45:04.639 --> 00:45:12.400
He started seeing sexuality not merely as one interesting part of psychology, but as something central to mental health.
00:45:12.639 --> 00:45:25.840
And eventually he develops a theory that could be summarized extremely unfairly, but also not entirely inaccurately, as some of you are mentally ill because you're not orgasming correctly.
00:45:26.639 --> 00:45:27.280
Amen.
00:45:28.079 --> 00:45:28.719
Amen.
00:45:31.440 --> 00:45:34.239
Where was this when the graham cracker guy was around?
00:45:34.320 --> 00:45:36.400
He he needs to talk to this guy.
00:45:36.719 --> 00:45:41.119
Yeah, we're just gonna we're we're going complete polar opposite here, I believe.
00:45:41.280 --> 00:45:43.920
I'm gonna say it's like opposite sides of the spectrum.
00:45:44.159 --> 00:45:48.239
As I was listening to Tara, I was like, this is very intriguing.
00:45:52.079 --> 00:45:56.320
And Wilhelm was not just uh concerned with having orgasms.
00:45:56.480 --> 00:45:58.639
Oh no, he had standards.
00:45:58.960 --> 00:46:15.760
He believed there was a specific, healthy kind of complete orgasmic release, something he called orgastic potency, and that the body's ability to fully surrender and discharge sexual tension was a fundamental sign of psychological health.
00:46:16.239 --> 00:46:18.239
Sorry, I hit you in the eye.
00:46:19.840 --> 00:46:22.159
My orgastic potencies.
00:46:22.719 --> 00:46:25.280
I happened to eat red meat right before.
00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:28.320
I was very overstimulated.
00:46:28.719 --> 00:46:30.960
You guys are just spitting bars at me.
00:46:31.199 --> 00:46:33.840
That sounds like a guy who likes some black pepper.
00:46:37.519 --> 00:46:39.920
So there is an obvious question.
00:46:40.239 --> 00:46:49.920
If this orgasmic release is pivotal to psychological health, what exactly did Wilhelm Reich think is being discharged?
00:46:50.079 --> 00:46:55.199
And unfortunately for all of us, he done went and looked for it.
00:46:56.000 --> 00:46:58.800
So I love an ambitious man.
00:47:00.559 --> 00:47:02.639
I mean, I can't blame the guy.
00:47:02.719 --> 00:47:05.840
I too have been on a never-ending hunt for orgasm.
00:47:06.000 --> 00:47:08.159
The perfect one, as a matter of fact.
00:47:08.480 --> 00:47:15.840
Is it just me or is anybody else picturing this guy like putting on his galoshes and like grabbing his binoculars?
00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:21.599
I imagined him putting on rubber gloves and some eye protection.
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:24.400
We're going we're going on an adventure.
00:47:25.119 --> 00:47:26.800
Don't touch that black light.
00:47:26.960 --> 00:47:28.000
Come with me.
00:47:30.079 --> 00:47:35.760
So Willem Reich would like to discuss your orgasm.
00:47:36.079 --> 00:47:40.320
Not whether you're having one, not whether you're enjoying yourself.
00:47:40.639 --> 00:47:43.199
No, like I said, Willem has notes.
00:47:43.679 --> 00:47:50.400
Because in Reich's theory, simply reaching climax did not necessarily mean that your body had done the job correctly.
00:47:50.719 --> 00:47:54.639
He developed a concept he called orgastic potency.
00:47:55.119 --> 00:48:01.039
And despite sounding like the name of a supplement sold at a gas station, it had a very specific meaning.
00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:16.079
Reich believed a healthy orgasm required a person to fully surrender to the experience and completely discharge accumulated sexual excitation through involuntary, pleasurable contractions of the body.
00:48:16.400 --> 00:48:22.159
In other words, you could technically have an orgasm and Willem Reich could still mark it as incomplete.
00:48:22.400 --> 00:48:24.000
It's getting really hot in here.
00:48:25.039 --> 00:48:26.239
Get the fan.
00:48:26.480 --> 00:48:28.239
It's buckle up.
00:48:28.639 --> 00:48:31.039
Anyone else have an erection or just me?
00:48:31.360 --> 00:48:32.239
Where's my iPad?
00:48:32.400 --> 00:48:34.159
I need to charge it real quick.
00:48:38.000 --> 00:48:40.159
I don't have a penis to erect.
00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:41.840
Ladywood.
00:48:42.079 --> 00:48:43.119
I get it all the time.
00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:44.800
Fuck, I'm getting it right now.
00:48:45.039 --> 00:48:46.719
Ah, you're welcome.
00:48:47.840 --> 00:48:48.719
Thanks.
00:48:49.039 --> 00:48:52.000
So just imagine that you're told by your therapist.
00:48:52.239 --> 00:48:53.440
Yeah, yeah, you came.
00:48:53.599 --> 00:48:55.679
But did you come correctly?
00:48:56.159 --> 00:49:00.079
Reich eventually reduced the whole process to a four step formula.
00:49:00.400 --> 00:49:04.239
Tension, charge, discharge, relaxation.
00:49:04.719 --> 00:49:07.199
It's the world's horniest flow chart.
00:49:07.440 --> 00:49:10.639
Yeah, it's like every fucking Tuesday night.
00:49:10.960 --> 00:49:11.920
Let's go.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:13.360
Let's go.
00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:20.320
So the basic idea was that sexual excitation builds physical tension.
00:49:20.559 --> 00:49:24.639
That tension corresponds with an increasing biological charge.
00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:29.599
Orgasm releases the charge through involuntary muscular contractions.
00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:31.840
Then the body relaxes.
00:49:32.159 --> 00:49:35.920
And Reich didn't think that this was just a neat description of sex.
00:49:36.239 --> 00:49:41.119
He thought this cycle was fundamental to healthy biological functioning.
00:49:41.440 --> 00:49:50.880
He believed that if the body couldn't complete that full discharge, all that energy stayed stuck, it accumulated, it stagnated.
00:49:51.119 --> 00:49:58.559
And according to Reich, that could contribute to neurosis, anxiety, emotional dysfunction, and even physical problems.
00:49:58.960 --> 00:50:00.880
So that's what's wrong with me.
00:50:04.320 --> 00:50:05.280
We need to take a break.
00:50:05.519 --> 00:50:08.000
So you can discharge appropriately.
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:11.840
Just make sure you do it correctly.
00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:14.639
Yeah, you better come correct, bitch.
00:50:14.960 --> 00:50:18.400
Well, I feel like after reading this, I'm gonna know exactly how to do so.
00:50:19.199 --> 00:50:21.039
Pun intended.
00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:36.960
So yeah, uh a major part of Wilhelm Reich's medical theory can essentially be summarized as some of you have emotional baggage because you are backed up with unfinished orgasm energy.
00:50:37.760 --> 00:50:40.239
And this is where character armor comes back in.
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:46.880
Reich had noticed that people didn't just defend themselves emotionally, they seemed to defend themselves physically.
00:50:47.199 --> 00:50:57.760
Tight jaw, rigid shoulders, restricted breathing, a stiff abdomen, pelvic tension, the whole body could become involved in holding itself back.
00:50:58.079 --> 00:51:01.360
He called these habitual defenses armor.
00:51:01.519 --> 00:51:05.440
And to Reich, that armor wasn't just a psychological metaphor.
00:51:05.679 --> 00:51:12.320
It physically interfered with the body's ability to surrender, which meant that it interfered with the big O.
00:51:13.119 --> 00:51:16.719
Which meant it interfered with the discharge.
00:51:17.039 --> 00:51:23.199
Which meant, according to Wilholm, now the whole goddamn energy economy is fucked.
00:51:23.519 --> 00:51:34.960
Reich's therapy increasingly focused on breaking through these patterns of muscular and emotional rigidity so the body could regain what he believed was its natural capacity for full release.
00:51:35.199 --> 00:51:40.320
And honestly, this is where his story gets dangerous in the most fascinating way.
00:51:40.719 --> 00:51:43.519
Because some of this sounds very recognizable.
00:51:43.760 --> 00:51:46.400
Stress can absolutely affect muscle tension.
00:51:46.559 --> 00:51:48.719
Anxiety can change your breathing.
00:51:48.960 --> 00:51:51.360
Emotional distress can show up physically.
00:51:51.519 --> 00:51:55.199
Sexual dysfunction can absolutely intersect with mental health.
00:51:55.440 --> 00:51:58.559
None of that requires cosmic fuck radiation.
00:51:59.039 --> 00:51:59.679
What?
00:52:00.719 --> 00:52:02.400
Well does it?
00:52:02.639 --> 00:52:04.719
I'm I'm using that.
00:52:05.599 --> 00:52:08.719
I'm using cosmic fuck radiation.
00:52:09.280 --> 00:52:10.559
That is gold.
00:52:13.280 --> 00:52:16.239
And none of it requires fuck cosmic fuck radiation.
00:52:16.320 --> 00:52:17.360
This is a good point.
00:52:18.000 --> 00:52:23.199
But Reich starts acting Reich starts asking a different question.
00:52:23.440 --> 00:52:33.440
If this release feels physical, if the body builds tension, if the body discharges something, what exactly is being discharged?
00:52:33.920 --> 00:52:37.679
And he decides maybe it's not just metaphorical.
00:52:37.920 --> 00:52:41.599
Maybe libido isn't simply a psychological concept.
00:52:41.840 --> 00:52:45.920
Maybe there's an actual biological energy moving through the body.
00:52:46.320 --> 00:52:47.360
Well, I'm confused.
00:52:47.440 --> 00:52:52.000
Is he thinking the like a discharge like he doesn't know that cum comes out?
00:52:52.159 --> 00:52:55.119
Or is it like discharging like energy?
00:52:55.519 --> 00:53:02.239
It is the orgasmic energy itself, not physical ejaculate.
00:53:02.639 --> 00:53:05.199
I'm just thinking like caveman, got it.
00:53:07.840 --> 00:53:09.199
You just be it's alright.
00:53:09.920 --> 00:53:11.360
Big concept for Elmo.
00:53:14.320 --> 00:53:15.599
Energy is what the fuck?
00:53:15.679 --> 00:53:17.760
How do you bukaki an energy?
00:53:18.880 --> 00:53:20.400
Yeah, pretty much.
00:53:21.280 --> 00:53:24.480
I want to circle jerk my energy all over you.
00:53:25.440 --> 00:53:28.960
Maybe libido isn't simply a psychological concept.
00:53:29.119 --> 00:53:33.840
Maybe there's an actual biological energy moving through the body.
00:53:34.079 --> 00:53:41.760
Something measurable, something physical, something that builds during excitation and gets released during orgasm.
00:53:42.000 --> 00:53:46.559
And once Willem Reich asks that question, we're fucked.
00:53:46.800 --> 00:53:48.719
Because now he wants to measure it.
00:53:49.039 --> 00:53:50.079
How much come?
00:53:53.360 --> 00:53:55.679
I always want to know how he's gonna measure it.
00:53:55.760 --> 00:53:59.840
Like you know, is it like the long jump, like how far it goes?
00:54:02.719 --> 00:54:05.679
Is he measuring volume or distance?
00:54:07.360 --> 00:54:08.400
Altitude?
00:54:08.719 --> 00:54:09.519
Pressure.
00:54:09.920 --> 00:54:13.119
As a mental picture creator, this is fun.
00:54:14.639 --> 00:54:18.880
Ten points if it gets in her hair, twenty points if it gets in her eye.
00:54:20.719 --> 00:54:23.119
If she manages to get pregnant, you're fucked.
00:54:23.199 --> 00:54:23.599
Run away.
00:54:23.760 --> 00:54:24.480
No points.
00:54:25.920 --> 00:54:35.760
So in the mid-1930s, he began experiments looking at electrical changes at the skin during pleasure, anxiety, and sexual excitation.
00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:48.800
He published work specifically describing orgasm as an electrophysiological discharge and tried to test his tension charge, discharge, relaxation formula experimentally.
00:54:49.360 --> 00:54:52.320
Did I say all those words?
00:54:53.440 --> 00:54:54.800
I have feelings.
00:54:55.599 --> 00:55:02.480
Gavin, you're the only one with a penis, so we need you to, you know, like mythbusters this shit for us.
00:55:03.119 --> 00:55:03.519
Yeah.
00:55:03.679 --> 00:55:04.079
Yeah.
00:55:04.239 --> 00:55:09.199
You're the only one with an attached appendage that can give us details.
00:55:09.519 --> 00:55:15.679
Do you guys by chance have like one of those uh car battery things that you know you plug into your battery and then into your wall to charge it?
00:55:15.840 --> 00:55:16.079
Yeah.
00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:17.360
Sweet, bring it over.
00:55:17.519 --> 00:55:18.719
That's the only way I can get off.
00:55:19.039 --> 00:55:20.400
We used to live together.
00:55:20.639 --> 00:55:21.760
That's not true.
00:55:23.760 --> 00:55:26.719
Get this man a graham cracker immediately.
00:55:27.360 --> 00:55:28.239
The fuck.
00:55:30.239 --> 00:55:34.079
Alright, so this is the moment where the theory changes genres.
00:55:34.320 --> 00:55:40.639
We started with maybe your emotional defenses are physically affecting your body, which is reasonable enough.
00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:45.360
Then maybe those defenses interfere with healthy sexual release.
00:55:45.679 --> 00:55:46.559
Alright.
00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:53.039
Then maybe sexual excitation involves measurable electrical activity.
00:55:53.440 --> 00:55:54.400
Sure, why not?
00:55:54.559 --> 00:55:56.480
Bodies do electrical things.
00:55:56.719 --> 00:56:05.760
And then Wilhelm takes one more tiny little step and goes Perhaps I have discovered the actual energy of life.
00:56:06.159 --> 00:56:09.199
Life force Life force.
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:15.679
And that is how we leave therapy, and we start building the fuck box.
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:19.679
Uh is is the box physical?
00:56:20.079 --> 00:56:21.280
Metaphysical?
00:56:21.679 --> 00:56:22.800
Metaphorical?
00:56:23.119 --> 00:56:26.880
Buckle up, buttercup, you're gonna find out all about it.
00:56:27.280 --> 00:56:28.239
Oh no.
00:56:29.440 --> 00:56:32.079
Does this fuck box have a purdy mouth?
00:56:35.280 --> 00:56:38.239
How many RPMs does she have?
00:56:38.960 --> 00:56:40.880
Will she call you daddy?
00:56:41.840 --> 00:56:42.559
She better.
00:56:43.119 --> 00:56:44.559
Ooh poppy, ooh poppy.
00:56:45.360 --> 00:56:46.880
Ooh, I poppy.
00:56:48.400 --> 00:56:51.039
Oh, you guys are gonna be a little disappointed, but that's fine.
00:56:51.119 --> 00:56:52.000
Well let's go.
00:56:53.280 --> 00:57:02.320
So, Willem Reich has now decided that there's some kind of actual biological energy involved in sexual excitation and orgasm.
00:57:02.639 --> 00:57:06.480
Naturally, the next step is find the horny.
00:57:06.960 --> 00:57:10.000
And this is where Reich starts doing experiments.
00:57:10.639 --> 00:57:15.760
Electrical measurements, microscopes, biological samples.
00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:24.079
He becomes increasingly convinced that he isn't merely observing ordinary electricity or describing libido with fancy language.
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:28.880
He thinks that there is a specific biological energy here.
00:57:29.440 --> 00:57:36.480
During experiments in Norway, Reich begins studying tiny microscopic vesicles he calls bions.
00:57:37.440 --> 00:57:40.719
We are not going to go down the bion rabbit hole.
00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:42.719
There are no snacks down there.
00:57:43.039 --> 00:57:43.920
Are you sure?
00:57:44.480 --> 00:57:46.079
There could be gram crackers.
00:57:46.159 --> 00:57:46.880
Probably not.
00:57:47.119 --> 00:57:48.800
Go down that rabbit hole on your own.
00:57:48.880 --> 00:57:50.400
We need to stay focused.
00:57:50.800 --> 00:57:52.480
I'll bring snacks.
00:57:54.880 --> 00:57:55.920
I'll bring the lube.
00:57:57.360 --> 00:58:00.639
I'll bring me the battery charger.
00:58:04.719 --> 00:58:06.400
Actually, this sounds like a good time.
00:58:06.480 --> 00:58:07.360
We should just do that.
00:58:07.679 --> 00:58:09.360
No less than 12 volts, please.
00:58:10.079 --> 00:58:12.159
Jesus Sunday.
00:58:14.000 --> 00:58:17.199
I'm half off on Sunday, so that's a hell of a deal.
00:58:17.840 --> 00:58:27.920
So basically, all we need to know is that Reich believes some of these little structures gave off a strange form of radiation that didn't behave like any energy he already knew about.
00:58:28.079 --> 00:58:37.599
And instead of concluding, perhaps I don't understand what I'm looking at, Willem Reich concludes, New energy just dropped.
00:58:37.840 --> 00:58:40.559
And he calls it Orgon.
00:58:41.920 --> 00:58:45.440
And importantly, this name was not random as it sounds.
00:58:45.760 --> 00:58:52.480
Reich coined Orgon specifically out of the work he'd been doing on orgasm and biological energy.
00:58:52.639 --> 00:58:58.000
His own research archive traces the concept directly back to that orgasm research.
00:58:58.239 --> 00:59:05.760
So yes, our invisible cosmic life force is literally descended from are you coming hard enough?
00:59:06.079 --> 00:59:07.039
Beautiful.
00:59:07.360 --> 00:59:08.159
No notes.
00:59:08.480 --> 00:59:10.239
Elmo understands this one.
00:59:11.519 --> 00:59:13.039
Elmo needs to go to bed.
00:59:13.280 --> 00:59:14.639
Elmo is six years old.
00:59:14.880 --> 00:59:16.800
This is completely inappropriate.
00:59:17.920 --> 00:59:21.920
And Orgon gets big very quickly.
00:59:22.159 --> 00:59:26.079
And first we're talking about biological energy inside living things.
00:59:26.320 --> 00:59:30.079
Then Reich decides it isn't just inside living things.
00:59:30.320 --> 00:59:33.039
It's in the environment, in the atmosphere.
00:59:33.199 --> 00:59:34.800
It's basically everywhere.
00:59:35.119 --> 00:59:40.880
Reich now believes that he has discovered a universal life energy underlying biological functioning.
00:59:41.199 --> 00:59:47.760
Science, for the record, did not independently establish organ as a physical form of energy.
00:59:48.079 --> 00:59:51.679
But Wilhelm Wilhelm is all in.
00:59:52.559 --> 01:00:09.840
And this creates a very interesting problem, because if organ is actual physical energy, and your health depends on the proper functioning of that energy, and organ exists all around us, then theoretically, could you collect it?
01:00:10.239 --> 01:00:23.280
Could you take the invisible life force that Reich believed was involved in sex, orgasm, health, and biological functioning, concentrate it all in one place, and maybe put a sick person inside of it?
01:00:23.920 --> 01:00:25.599
You know where we're going.
01:00:26.639 --> 01:00:29.760
William starts experimenting with materials.
01:00:31.360 --> 01:00:38.719
And he comes to believe that organic material absorbs organ while metal attracts it and then reflects it.
01:00:39.039 --> 01:00:40.800
So he starts laying them.
01:00:41.119 --> 01:00:45.360
Organic material, metal, organic material, metal.
01:00:45.760 --> 01:00:55.360
Build enough alternating layers around an enclosed space, Reich believed an atmospheric organ would become increasingly concentrated inside.
01:00:56.239 --> 01:01:13.440
Which means that after beginning his career as a physician, studying Freud, developing theories about neuroses, and determining that some of us are medically terrible at orgasms, Willem Reich finally arrives at his greatest contribution to questionable medicine.
01:01:13.679 --> 01:01:21.199
A chair inside a layered metal cabinet where sick people can sit and marinate in concentrated cosmic sex energy.
01:01:21.599 --> 01:01:24.559
Ladies and gentlemen, the fuck box.
01:01:26.079 --> 01:01:27.920
Sounds a lot like the iron lung.
01:01:28.159 --> 01:01:32.320
I'd imagined a lot of things, but none of none of it was what you just said.
01:01:32.719 --> 01:01:33.519
Yeah, no.
01:01:33.760 --> 01:01:41.760
I was anticipating a few more moving parts if I do say so myself, but take it or leave it.
01:01:42.159 --> 01:01:44.559
I kind of thought he made a jack in the box.
01:01:45.039 --> 01:01:50.639
Same, uh, at first I was a little like I said, a little disappointed, but it is fascinating still.
01:01:50.880 --> 01:01:54.159
And I do need to correct something before this gets wildly out of hand.
01:01:54.559 --> 01:01:55.360
Too late.
01:01:55.679 --> 01:01:56.480
Too late.
01:01:58.320 --> 01:02:03.760
Despite everything we've discussed so far, yeah, you don't fuck in the box at all.
01:02:04.000 --> 01:02:04.639
I know.
01:02:04.880 --> 01:02:09.440
The Oregon Energy Accumulator was not designed to make you orgasm.
01:02:09.599 --> 01:02:11.280
It was not a masturbation booth.
01:02:11.599 --> 01:02:17.360
There were no attachments, no vibration settings, and no one was handing you a towel afterward.
01:02:17.760 --> 01:02:18.800
I'm going home.
01:02:19.039 --> 01:02:21.119
Which is just fucking rude.
01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:24.000
Man, this just got as boring as a graham cracker.
01:02:25.039 --> 01:02:26.480
Somebody call me an Uber.
01:02:26.639 --> 01:02:28.639
Did I just graham cracker the episode?
01:02:28.719 --> 01:02:30.159
I'm sorry, guys.
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:37.519
No, because this this technically was supposed to be a medical device, which, if you think about it, is somehow weirder.
01:02:37.760 --> 01:02:42.719
The basic accumulator looked like a little cabinet big enough for one person to sit inside.
01:02:42.880 --> 01:02:50.000
There was a chair, there was a door, and the walls were built from alternating layers of organic and metallic material.
01:02:50.239 --> 01:02:56.960
Reich believed things like cotton, wool, and wood and certain plastics would absorb and hold organ energy.
01:02:57.199 --> 01:03:01.360
Metal, meanwhile, would attract that energy and rapidly reflect it.
01:03:01.679 --> 01:03:05.840
So he layered them together, with the metal towards the inside.
01:03:06.000 --> 01:03:12.800
And according to Reich, the surrounding atmospheric organ would gradually become concentrated inside the enclosure.
01:03:13.039 --> 01:03:16.320
The more layers you added, the stronger the accumulator.
01:03:16.559 --> 01:03:19.840
So essentially, lasagna, but like medical.
01:03:20.079 --> 01:03:23.039
And instead of cheese, steel won't.
01:03:23.840 --> 01:03:28.559
Hey bro, you wanna you wanna have my mind blowing orgasm, bro?
01:03:28.960 --> 01:03:30.239
Come sit in my box.
01:03:30.800 --> 01:03:32.239
But don't drink off in there, bro.
01:03:32.639 --> 01:03:34.079
You gotta wait till after.
01:03:34.880 --> 01:03:36.079
Oh, what are you doing there?
01:03:36.239 --> 01:03:37.440
Oh, you're just sitting there, man.
01:03:37.519 --> 01:03:38.480
Just sitting there.
01:03:39.119 --> 01:03:43.039
You're absorbing the orgasm's energies.
01:03:43.920 --> 01:03:46.159
You don't even have to touch your dick.
01:03:47.440 --> 01:03:49.280
We prefer it that you don't.
01:03:50.639 --> 01:03:52.960
Now just imagine that you're the patient, though.
01:03:53.119 --> 01:03:59.599
You open the door, you sit in the chair, you close the door, and then literally nothing happens.
01:03:59.760 --> 01:04:06.880
There's no electricity, no flashing lights, no bleep bloop bleep bloop, no magic orgasm button for on demand.
01:04:07.119 --> 01:04:11.599
You just sit there inside the box, marinating.
01:04:12.639 --> 01:04:22.000
The theory was that your body was now surrounded by a higher concentration of organ energy, which could then interact with your own biological energy system.
01:04:22.400 --> 01:04:23.920
And this was the treatment.
01:04:24.159 --> 01:04:26.639
You, chair, box, universe, go.
01:04:26.960 --> 01:04:27.360
Skeet.
01:04:27.599 --> 01:04:29.840
Oh, skeet, skeet, motherfucker.
01:04:30.639 --> 01:04:33.599
Medicine had recently developed antibiotics.
01:04:33.760 --> 01:04:38.000
Willem Reich developed, have you tried sitting in the closet?
01:04:38.320 --> 01:04:40.000
Well, Gavin, have you?
01:04:40.320 --> 01:04:40.960
Yeah.
01:04:41.440 --> 01:04:43.440
I was in there for a while.
01:04:46.320 --> 01:04:48.480
Did in fact make me horny.
01:04:49.360 --> 01:04:50.960
From the windows.
01:04:52.400 --> 01:04:57.599
From the windows to the wall, to the cosmic fuck energy drifts down my balls.
01:05:00.320 --> 01:05:05.280
We could just end this here because Gavin did confirm he sat in the closet it did make him horny.
01:05:05.440 --> 01:05:08.400
That's all the evidence I need, really, personally.
01:05:08.800 --> 01:05:10.320
It's very scientific.
01:05:12.159 --> 01:05:14.159
But we we need to remember how we got here.
01:05:14.400 --> 01:05:20.800
Reich believed healthy biological functioning depended on the body's ability to regulate this specific energy.
01:05:21.119 --> 01:05:23.760
We needed the sexual excitation to build it up.
01:05:24.000 --> 01:05:30.559
The healthy orgasm discharged it, but now he believed organ wasn't merely something produced inside of you.
01:05:31.039 --> 01:05:32.960
It existed everywhere.
01:05:33.280 --> 01:05:36.800
So the accumulator gave him an entirely new possibility.
01:05:37.039 --> 01:05:49.679
If someone's biological energy system wasn't functioning properly, maybe you didn't only have to fix the orgasm, maybe you could give the entire organism more argon.
01:05:50.079 --> 01:05:51.360
More orgasm.
01:05:51.679 --> 01:05:53.280
More orgon.
01:05:55.519 --> 01:05:59.760
So it's basically the medical equivalent of plugging yourself into the universe.
01:06:00.159 --> 01:06:00.880
Except there's no button.
01:06:03.920 --> 01:06:14.239
Call me Neo And uh don't forget, uh we have never established that this electricity exists.
01:06:14.880 --> 01:06:16.480
Rake wasn't thinking small.
01:06:16.639 --> 01:06:19.599
He became especially interested in cancer.
01:06:20.480 --> 01:06:26.639
He'd already been studying cancer in mice during his earlier laboratory work.
01:06:26.880 --> 01:06:33.199
And once he developed the accumulator, he began putting cancer mice inside the enclosure just to see what the fuck happened.
01:06:33.519 --> 01:06:34.239
Oh no.
01:06:34.639 --> 01:06:36.480
Then the work expanded to humans.
01:06:36.719 --> 01:06:44.400
Reich's theory of cancer was complicated, but the short version is that he did not see a tumor as simply an isolated lump of rogue cells.
01:06:44.559 --> 01:06:53.599
He believed that cancer was part of a deeper, whole body deterioration, a breakdown in what he considered the organism's energetic functioning.
01:06:54.079 --> 01:06:58.079
Can confirm do have body full of tumor.
01:06:58.400 --> 01:07:01.440
Also, orgasm all time does not help.
01:07:02.320 --> 01:07:05.599
Oh well unfortunately.
01:07:06.239 --> 01:07:12.719
Now we can't stop because you have just tipped the scale both ways within 30 seconds.
01:07:13.039 --> 01:07:14.800
That escalated quickly.
01:07:15.119 --> 01:07:16.000
Indeed.
01:07:16.559 --> 01:07:17.360
Sorry.
01:07:17.679 --> 01:07:22.880
In Wilhelm's model, treating the tumor alone wasn't necessarily treating the underlying problem.
01:07:23.199 --> 01:07:28.480
You needed to address the whole organism with organ in a box.
01:07:28.800 --> 01:07:35.920
And again, there's no accepted medical evidence that organ exists or that sitting in an accumulator treats cancer.
01:07:36.079 --> 01:07:39.119
But Reich absolutely believed this was medicine.
01:07:39.280 --> 01:07:48.400
By 1951, he had published an entire manual called The Orgon Energy Accumulator, its scientific and medical use.
01:07:49.360 --> 01:07:53.760
Not some interesting thoughts I had about a box, but medical use.
01:07:53.920 --> 01:08:00.400
And the medical section included what he called general organotic irradiation of the organism.
01:08:00.960 --> 01:08:03.519
Which is just an incredible phrase.
01:08:04.719 --> 01:08:09.280
Do you think he wrote this before or after Sylvester Graham died?
01:08:09.360 --> 01:08:12.719
And if it was before, do you think that's what killed Sylvester Graham?
01:08:13.840 --> 01:08:16.399
Maybe he just decided to get in the box.
01:08:16.560 --> 01:08:18.000
He's like, it's been all these years.
01:08:18.079 --> 01:08:20.399
Let me just see what a little dose is like.
01:08:21.840 --> 01:08:22.720
Oh, sorry.
01:08:22.880 --> 01:08:24.319
It was 1951.
01:08:24.560 --> 01:08:26.479
Sylvester died in 1851.
01:08:26.640 --> 01:08:27.119
My bad.
01:08:27.279 --> 01:08:28.319
Oh, dang it.
01:08:28.479 --> 01:08:29.520
That would have been.
01:08:30.159 --> 01:08:33.199
I know what a coincidence.
01:08:34.800 --> 01:08:39.199
He was like, this motherfucker is eating seasoned chicken.
01:08:42.399 --> 01:08:47.119
He's sitting there in a box absorbing orgasm rays and he's fine.
01:08:51.119 --> 01:09:02.800
Ah so general organotic irradiation of the organism actually means sit in the box and get irradiated with invisible orgasm adjacent life force.
01:09:03.039 --> 01:09:07.119
Because sometimes Wilmhelm wanted the organ to be more targeted.
01:09:07.520 --> 01:09:09.760
Enter the shooter.
01:09:10.079 --> 01:09:10.720
Yes.
01:09:11.039 --> 01:09:13.600
There was a device called the shooter.
01:09:13.840 --> 01:09:16.560
And unfortunately I did not name it.
01:09:19.359 --> 01:09:30.800
Reich developed smaller arrangements designed to supposedly concentrate Orgon towards a specific area of the body rather than exposing the entire person inside the accumulator.
01:09:31.359 --> 01:09:36.239
His medical manual literally included a section called the Shooter.
01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:40.560
So now we have the Foxbox and the Shooter.
01:09:40.800 --> 01:09:45.279
And somehow I'm expected to stand here and explain that neither one is sexual.
01:09:45.520 --> 01:09:47.680
That feels deliberately hostile.
01:09:49.279 --> 01:09:51.520
Guys, I swear to God it's not about sex.
01:09:51.600 --> 01:09:52.800
I swear to God.
01:09:53.439 --> 01:09:57.359
And this wasn't just Reich sitting alone in Maine experimenting on himself.
01:09:57.520 --> 01:10:01.600
By the late 1940s, he had physicians studying with him.
01:10:01.840 --> 01:10:03.279
He held conferences.
01:10:03.439 --> 01:10:06.399
He published the Oregon Energy Bulletin.
01:10:06.640 --> 01:10:17.199
Doctors associated with his work published reports about using accumulator-based approaches in cases involving things like rheumatic fever, skin disease, and other medical conditions.
01:10:17.439 --> 01:10:23.119
A later complication reserved by the Reich Museum includes those physicians' reports.
01:10:23.439 --> 01:10:31.119
Reich was taking this seriously enough that he even considered building a hospital at Organon devoted to his kind of work.
01:10:31.359 --> 01:10:32.319
A hospital.
01:10:32.640 --> 01:10:34.560
Imagine checking in.
01:10:35.199 --> 01:10:36.319
Room 204.
01:10:36.800 --> 01:10:37.680
Oh, thank you.
01:10:37.840 --> 01:10:40.079
And your accumulator is down the hall.
01:10:40.479 --> 01:10:41.119
My what?
01:10:41.279 --> 01:10:42.640
Don't worry about it.
01:10:42.880 --> 01:10:47.600
And I think this is the part that makes Reich more interesting than just some guy selling snake oil.
01:10:47.840 --> 01:10:51.439
He built an entire internally consistent medical theory.
01:10:51.680 --> 01:10:54.800
In his mind, emotional repression affected the body.
01:10:55.039 --> 01:10:58.479
Muscular tension interfered with healthy biological function.
01:10:58.800 --> 01:11:03.520
Healthy orgasm allowed for the body to properly discharge energy.
01:11:03.920 --> 01:11:06.479
That energy turned out to be physically real.
01:11:06.720 --> 01:11:08.960
That energy existed throughout nature.
01:11:09.199 --> 01:11:13.119
Therefore, why wouldn't concentrating it help a sick body?
01:11:13.439 --> 01:11:16.399
Every step made sense inside the theory.
01:11:16.720 --> 01:11:25.359
The problem was that the foundational thing holding the whole structure up, gorgon, had never actually been demonstrated to exist.
01:11:26.159 --> 01:11:31.039
So this magnificent medical skyscraper is standing on nothing.
01:11:32.079 --> 01:11:36.640
But if you're already inside the building, the furniture looks fantastic.
01:11:36.880 --> 01:11:38.479
And people use these things.
01:11:38.640 --> 01:11:43.600
There were applications, questionnaires, accumulators were assigned numbers.
01:11:43.840 --> 01:11:47.039
Records survive Yep.
01:11:47.199 --> 01:11:58.640
Records survive documenting users, construction instructions, reports of supposed beneficial effects, and accumulators being sold or rented for both medical and non medical use.
01:11:59.199 --> 01:12:01.279
This wasn't just an idea in a book.
01:12:01.439 --> 01:12:09.600
There were actual human beings voluntarily climbing into actual boxes because they believed concentrated organ might help them.
01:12:10.079 --> 01:12:15.520
Which brings us to the question every questionable medical treatment eventually has to answer.
01:12:15.840 --> 01:12:17.359
Who's making the claims?
01:12:17.680 --> 01:12:19.920
How sick are the people listening to them?
01:12:20.239 --> 01:12:33.279
Because once your steel wool orgasm energy cabinet moves from ooh, this makes me feel nice to this may help treat serious disease, somebody from the federal government is eventually going to knock on the door.
01:12:33.520 --> 01:12:39.439
And unfortunately for William Reich, the FDA just found out about the fuck box.
01:12:40.319 --> 01:12:42.720
At this point, Willem Reich has a problem.
01:12:42.880 --> 01:12:57.680
He's convinced the accumulator is doing something, but I built the box full of invisible life energy, and I swear it gets a little warmer is not exactly the kind of statement that gets you immediately welcomed into the scientific establishment.
01:12:57.920 --> 01:13:12.800
Reich decides he needs somebody credible to look at this, someone who understands energy to prove his theory, someone respected, someone whose name carries a little weight, and somehow, Albert Fucking Einstein gets dragged into this.
01:13:13.119 --> 01:13:20.720
In nineteen forty, Reich writes to Einstein and tells him that he believes he's discovered a new form of biological energy.
01:13:20.960 --> 01:13:22.960
And Einstein agrees to meet with him.
01:13:23.199 --> 01:13:26.319
Not for five minutes, they talked for hours.
01:13:26.560 --> 01:13:30.079
Reich explained the experiments, the accumulator, the whole thing.
01:13:30.239 --> 01:13:34.960
And Einstein was interested enough in one particular claim to actually test it.
01:13:35.279 --> 01:13:43.600
Reich said the accumulator produced a small temperature difference compared with the surrounding air, which, if true, for the reasons Reich believed, would be interesting.
01:13:43.840 --> 01:13:48.000
So Reich brings Einstein a small experimental accumulator.
01:13:48.239 --> 01:13:49.680
Einstein tests it.
01:13:49.840 --> 01:13:52.560
And initially there actually is a temperature difference.
01:13:52.800 --> 01:13:55.680
You know Willem went home absolutely levidating.
01:13:55.920 --> 01:13:58.720
Oh my god, Einstein saw the fuck box.
01:14:00.319 --> 01:14:06.960
Unfortunately, for Wellgun, Einstein kept experimenting, and he eventually noticed something else.
01:14:07.119 --> 01:14:11.039
There was also a temperature difference between the floor and the ceiling of the room.
01:14:11.359 --> 01:14:19.279
Because, and I cannot believe this is where one of history's greatest physicists enter our story, warm air rises.
01:14:19.920 --> 01:14:23.600
Einstein concluded that ordinary convection could explain the effect.
01:14:23.920 --> 01:14:26.239
Reich disagreed strongly.
01:14:26.560 --> 01:14:30.399
Very, very twenty five pages of correspondence strongly.
01:14:30.640 --> 01:14:31.279
Oh no.
01:14:31.760 --> 01:14:36.000
But Einstein considered the matter resolved and didn't endorse Oregon.
01:14:36.239 --> 01:14:40.800
So Wilmhelm brought his cosmic sex energy cabinet to Albert Einstein.
01:14:40.960 --> 01:14:46.960
And Albert Einstein essentially came back with Wilhelm, your womb you're not your womb.
01:14:47.520 --> 01:14:49.039
Your womb is warm.
01:14:49.680 --> 01:14:51.359
Your womb is warm.
01:14:52.319 --> 01:14:55.119
Wilm, your room is warm.
01:14:55.359 --> 01:14:57.439
And somehow this didn't stop him.
01:14:57.600 --> 01:15:03.279
Because while Einstein was done with the box, the federal government was just beginning to get interested.
01:15:03.520 --> 01:15:09.039
And unlike Einstein, the FDA was not coming over for a friendly chat.
01:15:09.920 --> 01:15:13.680
So the FDA finds out about the fuck box.
01:15:13.840 --> 01:15:18.800
And from their perspective, the issue isn't is Wilmhelm Reich an interesting thinker?
01:15:19.119 --> 01:15:26.159
The issue is are people being sold a medical device that is being represented as useful for treating disease?
01:15:26.479 --> 01:15:29.039
And at this point the answer was very much yes.
01:15:29.279 --> 01:15:44.560
The government later described the accumulator as a box like device in which patients sat for treatment and alleged that it was being represented as beneficial for illnesses ranging from cancer to the common cold, which is a pretty wide therapeutic target.
01:15:44.880 --> 01:15:46.560
Cancer cold.
01:15:46.800 --> 01:15:49.359
And then presumably whatever happens in between.
01:15:49.600 --> 01:15:51.439
Just get in the fucking box.
01:15:52.560 --> 01:16:03.840
In February of nineteen fifty four, the federal government filed a complaint against Reich, his foundation, and an associate seeking to stop interstate distribution of the accumulators.
01:16:04.000 --> 01:16:09.359
This is where Wilhelm takes an absolutely spectacular legal decision.
01:16:09.680 --> 01:16:12.399
He refuses to properly defend the case.
01:16:12.560 --> 01:16:19.119
Not because he doesn't care, because he believes a court has no authority to decide whether orgon energy exists.
01:16:19.359 --> 01:16:22.079
And philosophically, I kind of see what he's saying.
01:16:22.319 --> 01:16:26.159
Judges don't ordinarily discover fundamental forces of nature.
01:16:26.319 --> 01:16:33.439
You don't want a courtroom going electromagneticism sustained, but legally, bad strategy.
01:16:33.680 --> 01:16:39.520
Reich essentially tells the court, you are not qualified to judge cosmic organ energy.
01:16:39.680 --> 01:16:43.279
And the court says, cool, default judgment.
01:16:43.520 --> 01:16:47.359
In March 1954, an injunction was entered against him.
01:16:47.600 --> 01:16:57.520
The order prohibited the interstate distribution of the accumulators and required existing devices under Reich's control to be recalled and either destroyed or dismantled.
01:16:57.760 --> 01:17:01.840
Certain literature connected to their use was also ordered destroyed.
01:17:02.159 --> 01:17:10.159
So the federal government has now officially said please stop shipping the orgasm energy medical closet across state lines.
01:17:10.479 --> 01:17:12.880
And somehow, he didn't stop.
01:17:13.039 --> 01:17:14.960
The injunction was violated.
01:17:15.279 --> 01:17:21.359
Reich and psychiatrist Michael Silvert are eventually charged with criminal contempt of court.
01:17:21.600 --> 01:17:27.439
Not for believing in organ, not for having weird ideas, but for violating the injunction.
01:17:28.000 --> 01:17:30.960
In nineteen fifty six, a jury convicted them.
01:17:31.199 --> 01:17:34.079
Reich was sentenced to two years in federal prison.
01:17:34.239 --> 01:17:42.960
And then the story takes one last genuinely uncomfortable turn because publications associated with the accumulator were destroyed under the injunction.
01:17:43.680 --> 01:17:52.880
In August 1956, the FDA agents supervised the destruction of a huge quantity of Reich's books and journals in a New York incinerator.
01:17:53.119 --> 01:17:56.880
His museum estimates roughly six tons of material.
01:17:57.279 --> 01:17:58.000
Damn.
01:17:58.399 --> 01:17:59.680
That's a lot of material.
01:17:59.840 --> 01:18:00.960
And there's a lot remaining.
01:18:01.119 --> 01:18:04.800
There's still a whole museum that you can go to and look at.
01:18:05.359 --> 01:18:06.000
Really?
01:18:07.039 --> 01:18:13.279
And the government's position was that certain writings functioned as labeling for the prohibited medical device.
01:18:13.600 --> 01:18:21.600
Reich's supporters understandably looked at federal agents supervising the destruction of books and went, that seems fucking bad.
01:18:21.840 --> 01:18:27.520
And honestly, even if you think Orgon's complete nonsense, that part of the story is weird.
01:18:28.000 --> 01:18:30.800
Reich entered federal prison in 1957.
01:18:31.199 --> 01:18:34.399
He died there later that year of heart failure.
01:18:34.560 --> 01:18:36.640
And that should probably be the end of the story.
01:18:36.800 --> 01:18:48.640
Except I do need to tell you one last thing, because everything we've discussed today, the orgasm theory, the invisible energy, the fuck box, the cancer treatment claims, Einstein, the FDA.
01:18:48.960 --> 01:18:51.680
That's not even the weirdest shit that Wilm did.
01:18:53.039 --> 01:18:56.880
After developing There's more?
01:18:57.520 --> 01:18:58.319
Briefly.
01:19:04.720 --> 01:19:13.039
After developing the accumulator, Reich eventually built a device he believed could manipulate atmospheric organ and affect the weather.
01:19:13.279 --> 01:19:15.600
He called it a Cloud Buster.
01:19:16.079 --> 01:19:22.079
Then he became concerned that UFOs might be contributing to harmful atmospheric energy.
01:19:22.479 --> 01:19:23.520
Absolutely they are.
01:19:24.159 --> 01:19:25.600
They fucking are.
01:19:26.560 --> 01:19:32.880
He adapted the technology and eventually called it, I swear to God, a space gun.
01:19:35.119 --> 01:19:37.359
I fucking love this guy.
01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:42.720
But, but, but this is an episode about questionable medicine.
01:19:42.800 --> 01:19:44.720
And I have shown restraint.
01:19:45.039 --> 01:19:46.399
You're welcome.
01:19:47.680 --> 01:19:49.840
All right, so here's just the tip.
01:19:50.159 --> 01:19:51.359
Just just the tip.
01:19:51.439 --> 01:19:52.640
Please research him.
01:19:52.800 --> 01:19:56.880
I I think we could do an entire episode about this band.
01:19:58.560 --> 01:20:00.079
Orgon is still around.
01:20:00.239 --> 01:20:00.800
Sort of.
01:20:00.960 --> 01:20:04.159
If you search for it today, you'll find things called organite.
01:20:04.319 --> 01:20:10.720
Little resin pyramids, crystals, copper coils, metal shavings, pendants, whatever.
01:20:11.039 --> 01:20:17.439
All kinds of extremely Etsy looking objects marketed around things like energy balancing or protection from EMFs.
01:20:17.680 --> 01:20:21.439
And I need you to know, Willem Reich did not make that shit.
01:20:21.600 --> 01:20:25.279
The Willem Reich Museum is actually very clear about this.
01:20:25.600 --> 01:20:32.960
Modern organite showed up decades after Reich died and has basically nothing to do with how his accumulator was constructed.
01:20:33.359 --> 01:20:41.199
So somewhere in the afterlife, Willem Reich is presumably screaming, that is not how the Falk box works.
01:20:44.319 --> 01:20:55.199
But the reason the story belongs in an exhibit about weird medicine isn't really the box or the orgasm, or even the fact that Albert Einstein briefly had one of these goddamn things in his house.
01:20:55.439 --> 01:20:58.640
It's because the idea underneath it never really goes away.
01:20:58.880 --> 01:21:01.439
Something is wrong with you, medicine can explain it.
01:21:01.520 --> 01:21:11.760
And then somebody says, actually, your body has an invisible energy that's like blocked, frequency's off, your chakras are fugved, whatever.
01:21:13.520 --> 01:21:16.640
And conveniently, there's usually a thing that can fix it.
01:21:16.880 --> 01:21:21.600
A crystal, a bracelet, or plywood cabinet lined with steel wool.
01:21:21.760 --> 01:21:25.840
And look, if someone wants to carry a crystal because it makes them feel calm, great.
01:21:26.079 --> 01:21:27.359
Love that journey.
01:21:27.600 --> 01:21:33.600
The problem starts where we go from this makes me feel better to this treats disease.
01:21:33.920 --> 01:21:37.039
Because those are two completely different fucking statements.
01:21:38.319 --> 01:21:41.600
And that's what makes Reich such a perfect medical oddity.
01:21:41.760 --> 01:21:45.119
He didn't start with the aliens or the weather machines.
01:21:45.279 --> 01:21:47.920
He didn't even start with the invisible cosmic energy.
01:21:48.079 --> 01:21:50.800
He started with something surprisingly recognizable.
01:21:51.039 --> 01:21:52.800
Your mind affects your body.
01:21:53.199 --> 01:21:58.640
Then somehow, we ended up with I have built a fuck box.
01:21:58.800 --> 01:22:00.159
There's a lot in between.
01:22:00.399 --> 01:22:03.920
And honestly, that may be my favorite thing about this entire story.
01:22:04.239 --> 01:22:10.880
At no point does Reich wake up and say, Today I shall invent a cosmic orgasm medical cabinet.
01:22:11.199 --> 01:22:19.520
He gets there one seemingly reasonable step at a time, and by the time anybody asks where the fuck we're going, we're all already sitting inside it.
01:22:19.680 --> 01:22:32.880
So the next time somebody tells you that your health problems are caused by an invisible energy imbalance, maybe ask some follow-up questions, maybe a little evidence, and definitely ask, does the treatment involve getting into a box?
01:22:33.119 --> 01:22:39.359
Because we've been down this road before, and apparently none of us are orgasming correctly.
01:22:39.680 --> 01:22:41.359
Bravo, bravo.
01:22:42.159 --> 01:22:43.119
Uh thank you.
01:22:43.439 --> 01:22:44.239
Uh thank you.
01:22:44.720 --> 01:22:50.319
That man really spanned quite a distance from where he started to where he ended.
01:22:50.640 --> 01:23:02.319
And that just goes to show, too, because uh like like I said, it was one relatively reasonable step at a time that led from ooh, orgasms feel good and they feel such release after.
01:23:02.560 --> 01:23:03.039
Wait.
01:23:03.439 --> 01:23:05.760
Can I collect the thing that is released?
01:23:05.920 --> 01:23:06.399
Wait.
01:23:06.640 --> 01:23:08.000
Can it cure cancer?
01:23:08.159 --> 01:23:10.800
Wait, can I turn it into a space gun?
01:23:10.960 --> 01:23:12.239
Like ha okay.
01:23:13.039 --> 01:23:13.680
Alright.
01:23:14.000 --> 01:23:15.600
He was dreaming big.
01:23:17.760 --> 01:23:22.399
It really is a testament to the fact that people just do be making shit up.
01:23:23.039 --> 01:23:24.399
Absolutely.
01:23:24.720 --> 01:23:30.079
I'm still kind of stuck on the fact that you don't actually have sex in the fuck box, that you just sit there.
01:23:30.399 --> 01:23:36.399
Much like real orgasmic energy, sometimes it's a letdown.
01:23:37.520 --> 01:23:39.920
Like, what are you doing Saturday night?
01:23:40.079 --> 01:23:43.920
I'm just gonna bathe in the cosmic fuck energy, bruh.
01:23:46.880 --> 01:23:50.960
We should put it on our schedule as a uh bi-weekly, monthly thing.
01:23:51.119 --> 01:23:53.439
Let's continue his mission for science.
01:23:53.760 --> 01:23:55.039
A group activity.
01:23:55.359 --> 01:23:55.520
Yeah.
01:23:55.680 --> 01:23:59.119
And eat graham crackers while we do it to see if they counteract each other.
01:24:02.319 --> 01:24:11.039
When you talked about plugging into the universe, and I was like, like the Matrix, I thought, how ironic too, because it's like you have the blue pill and the red pill.
01:24:11.119 --> 01:24:16.000
The blue pill is the Viagra, and the red pill is the ibuprofen you take after all the vigorous sex.
01:24:18.000 --> 01:24:19.680
There, yeah, yeah.
01:24:20.159 --> 01:24:21.920
I like the way you think.
01:24:23.840 --> 01:24:24.960
Alright, Gavin.
01:24:25.039 --> 01:24:30.560
We've been through theories that uh masturbation is horrible for you.
01:24:30.880 --> 01:24:36.880
We've gone to the opposite end of the spectrum saying, hey, masturbation is the key of a healthy life.
01:24:37.039 --> 01:24:40.800
Uh what what kind of uh fresh horrors did you bring to the table?
01:24:40.960 --> 01:24:48.479
This is so I uh kind of followed the theme, but I definitely did not follow your theme.
01:24:50.159 --> 01:24:54.800
That was just the most amazing coincidence that ever happened ever.
01:24:55.439 --> 01:24:58.239
Um so here's mine.
01:24:58.720 --> 01:25:00.880
Exhibit number 141.
01:25:01.359 --> 01:25:02.720
Album Gore cum.
01:25:03.039 --> 01:25:04.720
Hey, at least there's cum in the name.
01:25:04.880 --> 01:25:08.159
Uh you're odd theme, you're bad.
01:25:08.479 --> 01:25:08.960
There we go.
01:25:09.279 --> 01:25:10.399
Just you guys are region.
01:25:11.039 --> 01:25:14.560
And it's grey cum, so something must be very wrong.
01:25:14.880 --> 01:25:16.479
Oh, you just wait.
01:25:16.800 --> 01:25:18.159
Alright, my friends.
01:25:18.399 --> 01:25:19.680
Move along, move along.
01:25:19.760 --> 01:25:24.720
Step over here for just one moment and feast your eyes on this tiny wee little jar.
01:25:25.039 --> 01:25:27.520
Genuine eighteenth century blueglass.
01:25:28.000 --> 01:25:32.720
Beautifully hand blown, the kind of vessel you expect to hold something rare and precious.
01:25:32.960 --> 01:25:34.960
Rare herbs from the Orient, perhaps.
01:25:35.199 --> 01:25:38.960
Powdered gemstones, exotic spices, crown pearls.
01:25:39.279 --> 01:25:40.239
Crushed coral.
01:25:40.560 --> 01:25:45.119
Something valuable enough to warrant this level of eighteen hundreds craftsmanship.
01:25:45.359 --> 01:25:51.119
The label, written in careful apothecary script, reads Album Grecum.
01:25:51.520 --> 01:25:52.800
Lovely, isn't it?
01:25:52.960 --> 01:25:56.720
Sounds like a fine powder a lady might dust on her declete.
01:25:57.359 --> 01:26:00.079
Does anybody in the class know what a declutage is?
01:26:00.399 --> 01:26:03.520
Yes, it this Yes, very nice.
01:26:03.760 --> 01:26:04.720
I did not.
01:26:06.479 --> 01:26:11.199
People get very concerned with your declutage once you reach a certain age.
01:26:11.600 --> 01:26:16.880
Like it was never mentioned, and then within the last like two years, like, are you moisturizing your declutage?
01:26:17.039 --> 01:26:18.399
I'm like fuck, dude.
01:26:20.479 --> 01:26:21.840
Not even drinking water.
01:26:22.000 --> 01:26:24.000
I'm not moisturizing internally either.
01:26:24.159 --> 01:26:25.199
Leave me alone.
01:26:25.520 --> 01:26:28.239
It's a 2026, call it my collarbone.
01:26:28.479 --> 01:26:29.840
Move the fuck along.
01:26:32.960 --> 01:26:35.119
No need to gussy it up now.
01:26:35.840 --> 01:26:38.640
Well besides the collarbones and declutages.
01:26:39.279 --> 01:26:49.199
This powder maybe kinda seems like something that William Proctor Jr., the father of American Pharmacy might compound free to rub on your swollen lymph nodes while you're down and out with the plague.
01:26:49.520 --> 01:26:51.520
But it is neither of those things.
01:26:51.680 --> 01:26:52.720
What do you take me for?
01:26:52.800 --> 01:26:56.960
Do you think I'm just going to tell you or rather string you along on a journey?
01:26:57.439 --> 01:26:57.840
Yeah.
01:26:58.079 --> 01:27:00.720
I had to learn about this the hard way and so will you.
01:27:00.960 --> 01:27:07.119
The name alone suggests legitimacy, scientific authority, centuries of medical tradition.
01:27:07.359 --> 01:27:12.000
The kind of Latin that makes you think someone knew what they were doing when they created it.
01:27:12.239 --> 01:27:18.399
Inside the jar you can see a pale, chalky powder, a fine texture, almost white in color.
01:27:18.720 --> 01:27:22.880
The kind of substance that looks medicinal, one might even say cosmetic.
01:27:23.359 --> 01:27:27.199
Now, before I unleash the hound, let me tell you what we do know about it.
01:27:28.079 --> 01:27:36.720
The substance appeared in European pharmacopias, which are just fancy, fancy official pharmacy reference books from a long time gone by.
01:27:37.439 --> 01:27:42.239
The kind compiled by physicians and apothecaries who took their work very, very seriously.
01:27:42.960 --> 01:27:43.760
You know the type.
01:27:43.920 --> 01:27:46.239
The kind with many years of scholarly backgrounds.
01:27:47.119 --> 01:27:50.239
It was listed alongside other materia Medica.
01:27:50.960 --> 01:27:51.600
Medica.
01:27:52.239 --> 01:27:53.279
That's a weird word.
01:27:53.920 --> 01:27:56.079
It was listed little fuck.
01:27:57.439 --> 01:27:58.960
Having a stroke hold on.
01:27:59.279 --> 01:28:00.800
You sounded Like a chicken.
01:28:03.520 --> 01:28:04.159
What?
01:28:06.079 --> 01:28:09.039
Is the white powder good white and did you try it?
01:28:11.039 --> 01:28:18.000
It was listed alongside other material medic, such things like herbs, minerals, animal products.
01:28:18.239 --> 01:28:22.880
It had multiple official Latin names recorded across various European pharmacopias.
01:28:23.279 --> 01:28:30.560
It was prescribed by highly trained medical professionals, apothecaries, and scholars for very specific physical ailments.
01:28:30.880 --> 01:28:49.760
Particularly severe and painful throat conditions, deep tissue inflammation, painful ulceration of the mouth and pharnix, acute tonsillitis, and peritonsillar abscesses, the kind of excruciating nasty bugs that make every single swallow feel like you've just downed a brimming pitcher of jagged glass shards.
01:28:50.319 --> 01:28:53.439
The preparation method was seemingly straightforward and standardized.
01:28:53.520 --> 01:28:57.600
You would thoroughly mix this fine chalky white powder with a generous dose of raw honey.
01:28:57.760 --> 01:29:02.960
The sweetness of the honey helped make the mixture somewhat palatable to the unsuspecting patient.
01:29:03.279 --> 01:29:08.800
The active powder itself provided the primary astringent and cleansing medicinal effect.
01:29:09.199 --> 01:29:12.960
Or at least so the medical authorities of the day firmly believed.
01:29:13.279 --> 01:29:16.720
The raw substance itself was strictly animal derived.
01:29:16.960 --> 01:29:21.840
Many mainstream historical medicines were in fact derived from fauna.
01:29:22.560 --> 01:29:35.520
Musk from deer glands, ambergris harvested from sperm whales, castorium extracted from beaver sacs, civet scraped from tropical cats, and I beg all of your finest bardons.
01:29:36.000 --> 01:29:39.199
All of them were recognized animal products.
01:29:39.439 --> 01:29:43.920
All of them were considered immensely valuable in early pharmaceutical commerce.
01:29:44.079 --> 01:29:49.279
So merely knowing its animal origin doesn't immediately tell us much or narrow down what it is.
01:29:49.520 --> 01:29:55.119
What is truly fascinating, however, is the precise nature of its collection and preparation process.
01:29:55.359 --> 01:29:58.399
The substance required very specific conditions.
01:29:58.640 --> 01:30:08.239
It had to be exposed to air, and by that I mean left outside, allowed to dry thoroughly until it became white or greyish white, chalky, nearly odorless.
01:30:08.479 --> 01:30:14.000
But whiteness was the defining characteristic, hence the name album, which means white.
01:30:14.159 --> 01:30:17.760
The substance was selected based on the animal's diet.
01:30:18.319 --> 01:30:21.439
Specifically, animals that had been eating bones.
01:30:22.399 --> 01:30:34.800
So to summarize, we have a white powdered substance, animal derived, diet dependent, air dried, sunbleached, mixed with honey, prescribed for throat ailments, stored in elegant jars, labelled in Latin, and sold by respectable professionals.
01:30:34.960 --> 01:30:35.520
Are you ready?
01:30:35.920 --> 01:30:37.439
Is is it what I think it is?
01:30:37.600 --> 01:30:37.840
Go.
01:30:37.920 --> 01:30:39.279
Oh shit.
01:30:39.760 --> 01:30:41.520
Oh my god, it's shit.
01:30:42.960 --> 01:30:44.319
It's dog shit.
01:30:44.479 --> 01:30:46.319
Dried white dog shit.
01:30:49.039 --> 01:30:50.239
Right shit.
01:30:50.880 --> 01:31:01.279
Album Grachum is sunbleached dog feces that has been collected, processed, powdered, stored in elegant ceramic jars, labelled in beautiful script, and sold as medicine for centuries.
01:31:01.680 --> 01:31:04.159
Squat down on that for a moment, would you?
01:31:04.399 --> 01:31:06.479
This is a beautiful jar.
01:31:07.359 --> 01:31:10.239
I'm never gonna look at my dogs the same again.
01:31:10.720 --> 01:31:14.560
Bitches will buy anything if it's in a pretty jar.
01:31:15.119 --> 01:31:20.479
And it supposedly helps your declottage be beautiful.
01:31:20.880 --> 01:31:22.000
You're not wrong.
01:31:22.319 --> 01:31:22.880
Yeah.
01:31:23.279 --> 01:31:26.319
The full name translates directly to Greek white.
01:31:26.560 --> 01:31:29.840
It was also called Circus Canis Afinicule.
01:31:30.399 --> 01:31:32.159
I don't know if I crushed that or not.
01:31:32.479 --> 01:31:35.840
I couldn't tell you either, so we're just gonna say yes.
01:31:36.079 --> 01:31:37.279
Yeah, we're gonna go for it.
01:31:37.600 --> 01:31:39.760
Which just means official dog dung.
01:31:40.560 --> 01:31:44.319
Somebody looked at a pile of dog doo-doo and thought, why yes?
01:31:44.479 --> 01:31:49.840
If we had just ground this up and swallowed it, it might cure my pus filled tonsilitis.
01:31:50.079 --> 01:31:51.680
And then they did just that.
01:31:51.920 --> 01:31:53.920
One more time for those in the back.
01:31:54.159 --> 01:31:56.800
Let me give you the full list of what we're talking about here.
01:31:56.960 --> 01:31:58.720
The good boy gobstopper.
01:31:59.279 --> 01:32:01.039
Vido's forbidden fudge.
01:32:01.760 --> 01:32:03.279
The terrier truffle.
01:32:03.600 --> 01:32:05.680
The fecal phlegm fighter.
01:32:06.560 --> 01:32:07.840
You get the picture.
01:32:08.159 --> 01:32:10.319
No, you have to have more.
01:32:12.720 --> 01:32:14.399
There were so many more.
01:32:15.119 --> 01:32:22.640
And so now that I've left a lingering taste in your mouth, we're going to talk about how dried dog turds became a legitimate pharmaceutical remedy.
01:32:22.800 --> 01:32:24.000
Let's begin.
01:32:24.720 --> 01:32:26.239
So Album Graecum.
01:32:26.319 --> 01:32:27.439
The name tells you almost everything.
01:32:27.680 --> 01:32:29.760
Album means white, Graecum means Greek.
01:32:30.000 --> 01:32:35.359
But here's where it gets complicated because historical sources disagree about which animal we're actually talking about.
01:32:35.520 --> 01:32:37.439
Most descriptions say dog.
01:32:37.840 --> 01:32:39.359
Some say hyena.
01:32:39.680 --> 01:32:43.039
A few say either one, as long as the dung is white.
01:32:43.279 --> 01:32:46.479
Now I have questions about the hyena attribution.
01:32:46.800 --> 01:32:48.720
Hyenas are not native to Europe.
01:32:48.880 --> 01:32:51.119
They live in Africa and parts of Asia.
01:32:51.279 --> 01:32:58.399
So unless your local apothecary had a hyena dealer, which, to be fair, cannot be entirely ruled out in the history of European medicine.
01:32:58.720 --> 01:32:59.359
That's what I'm saying.
01:33:05.760 --> 01:33:12.000
The Greek part of the name might refer to the fact that ancient Greek and Roman medical texts mentioned using animal dung.
01:33:12.239 --> 01:33:14.800
Dioscorides nuts.
01:33:15.199 --> 01:33:21.840
Dias Dioscorides nuts wrote about it.
01:33:22.960 --> 01:33:28.079
Galen, a Roman Empire physician, to several Roman emperors, even referenced it.
01:33:28.239 --> 01:33:30.479
The classical authorities approved it.
01:33:30.800 --> 01:33:34.880
Europeans loved slapping Greek onto things to make them sound more legitimate.
01:33:35.119 --> 01:33:38.880
Greek fire, Greek key patterns, Greek white dog shit.
01:33:39.119 --> 01:33:42.079
Either way, the material itself was straightforward.
01:33:42.159 --> 01:33:43.520
You find dog shit.
01:33:43.680 --> 01:33:48.800
Ideally from a dog that has been eating bones, because that produces paler, drier shit.
01:33:49.119 --> 01:33:52.079
Some sources specify that the dog should also be white.
01:33:52.319 --> 01:33:54.720
A bit racist, if you ask me, but I high grace.
01:33:56.399 --> 01:34:00.880
Others say the color of the dog doesn't matter as long as the feces turns white.
01:34:01.119 --> 01:34:14.479
So you watch the dog expend his rectum rollo, you leave it outside, bake in the sun at ninety degrees, wait for it to bleach, time does its work, eventually it becomes white or greyish white, crumbly, and according to historical accounts, odorless.
01:34:14.800 --> 01:34:15.439
Bullshit.
01:34:16.000 --> 01:34:20.000
Or at least less odorous than the other things in the room.
01:34:20.640 --> 01:34:22.239
Which is a pretty low bar.
01:34:22.640 --> 01:34:24.239
But that part mattered quite a bit.
01:34:24.399 --> 01:34:27.039
If it wasn't white, it wasn't album gracum.
01:34:27.119 --> 01:34:28.000
It was just dog shit.
01:34:28.159 --> 01:34:29.199
Worthless poo.
01:34:29.359 --> 01:34:31.920
Absolutely unsillable by professional standards.
01:34:32.079 --> 01:34:40.640
But if it had been properly aged and sun-dried into a pale, chalky substance, congratulations, you now have a marketable pharmaceutical product.
01:34:40.880 --> 01:34:43.760
Why didn't they just take calcium sub supplements?
01:34:43.920 --> 01:34:47.439
I mean if it's white because of the bones, it was probably just calcium.
01:34:47.680 --> 01:34:48.560
It's probably.
01:34:48.880 --> 01:34:50.479
You're not too far off.
01:34:52.399 --> 01:34:54.239
Now why would anyone prescribe this?
01:34:54.479 --> 01:34:57.039
The primary application was to coat the throat.
01:34:57.279 --> 01:35:08.079
Sore throats, inflamed throats, ulcerated throats, tonsillitis, quincy, any condition where your throat hurt and you couldn't swallow properly, and you were desperate enough to try anything.
01:35:08.399 --> 01:35:10.319
The preparation was pretty simple.
01:35:10.560 --> 01:35:13.680
You took your dried powdered album Grachum, you mixed it with honey.
01:35:13.760 --> 01:35:18.479
Hopefully you did not inform the patient of what was in the sticky chalky goo before they lapped it all up.
01:35:18.720 --> 01:35:21.119
And hopefully the patient wouldn't ask any questions.
01:35:21.279 --> 01:35:22.960
Because imagine that conversation.
01:35:23.199 --> 01:35:24.000
What's in this?
01:35:24.239 --> 01:35:26.079
Oh, you know, album Gracum.
01:35:26.239 --> 01:35:27.039
That sounds lovely.
01:35:27.199 --> 01:35:28.479
What is album Grachum?
01:35:28.560 --> 01:35:30.399
Don't worry about it, just swallow my dear.
01:35:30.640 --> 01:35:34.319
There was medical reasoning behind it, not good reasoning.
01:35:35.279 --> 01:35:43.119
And not reasoning that holds up under germ theory or modern chemistry or any understanding of how infection actually works.
01:35:43.359 --> 01:35:44.800
But reasoning nonetheless.
01:35:45.199 --> 01:35:51.119
Historical medical texts describe Alum Grachum as having cleansing and deterging properties.
01:35:51.359 --> 01:35:55.520
Deterging mean obviously cleaning or purging away impurities.
01:35:55.760 --> 01:36:01.680
The idea was that this substance could cleanse infected tissue, reduce inflammation, and help the throat heal.
01:36:01.920 --> 01:36:03.760
Why dog dung specifically?
01:36:04.079 --> 01:36:14.560
Well, in the medical framework of the time, all substances, animal, vegetable, mineral, had properties hot, cold, wet, dry, astringent, immolent, purgative, binding.
01:36:14.800 --> 01:36:18.319
Dog dung, once dry and whitened, was considered astringent.
01:36:18.560 --> 01:36:19.920
It was dry and chalky.
01:36:20.239 --> 01:36:22.000
It had a binding quality about it.
01:36:22.159 --> 01:36:26.479
Therefore, it might tighten inflamed tissue and draw out excess moisture.
01:36:26.800 --> 01:36:29.039
This made sense within humoral medicine.
01:36:29.199 --> 01:36:33.119
If your throat was inflamed, that meant there was too much heat and too much moisture.
01:36:33.279 --> 01:36:35.520
Your throat is too wet and too hot.
01:36:35.760 --> 01:36:39.600
Sounds a whole lot like my lobster's too buttery and my steak too juicy.
01:36:41.279 --> 01:36:43.119
Fix it immediately.
01:36:44.399 --> 01:36:47.119
You needed something dry and binding to counteract it.
01:36:47.279 --> 01:36:49.840
Album Grachum fit the profile.
01:36:50.079 --> 01:36:54.880
Add honey, which was genuinely antibacterial, though they didn't know why.
01:36:55.199 --> 01:36:58.079
And you had a preparation that made sense.
01:36:58.319 --> 01:37:00.239
Within the logic of the time, that is.
01:37:00.399 --> 01:37:02.000
And I want to be clear about something.
01:37:02.159 --> 01:37:05.199
The people prescribing this were not exactly idiots.
01:37:05.439 --> 01:37:10.800
They were working within a medical system developed over centuries by some of the smartest people in their societies.
01:37:11.039 --> 01:37:16.159
They were observing patients, recording results and trying to figure out what didn't work and what did.
01:37:16.399 --> 01:37:18.880
They just didn't know about bacteria yet.
01:37:19.119 --> 01:37:23.439
Or viruses, or the actual chemical composition of anything really.
01:37:23.920 --> 01:37:26.720
So they were making educated guesses based on appearance.
01:37:26.880 --> 01:37:30.000
Like I said earlier, they were just making shit the fuck up.
01:37:30.479 --> 01:37:33.199
And sometimes those guesses involved dog shit.
01:37:33.439 --> 01:37:34.159
Did it work?
01:37:34.399 --> 01:37:36.720
We have no clinical evidence that it did.
01:37:36.960 --> 01:37:42.800
We also have no record of mass poisoning from Album Graycombe either, which suggests it was at least relatively harmless.
01:37:43.039 --> 01:37:49.760
The honey might have provided some soothing effect, but the dog shit itself almost certainly did nothing.
01:37:50.239 --> 01:37:54.399
Except make the patient wonder what the hell they just done to deserve this.
01:37:55.840 --> 01:37:59.840
I think I would have just like, you know, tried breathing through my mouth first.
01:38:00.399 --> 01:38:00.960
Right.
01:38:01.600 --> 01:38:05.279
To get rid of all that moisture in my throat.
01:38:05.840 --> 01:38:08.079
Maybe maybe just sleep it off.
01:38:08.319 --> 01:38:08.640
You know?
01:38:08.960 --> 01:38:11.119
Like just take a nap first.
01:38:12.239 --> 01:38:14.000
Do some cocaine about it and take a nap.
01:38:14.239 --> 01:38:14.800
Exactly.
01:38:14.960 --> 01:38:17.359
What happened to good old hot water cocaine and honey?
01:38:17.600 --> 01:38:18.880
You got some opium?
01:38:20.479 --> 01:38:22.560
Let's do heroin about it.
01:38:24.479 --> 01:38:25.600
Jesus.
01:38:26.560 --> 01:38:28.319
They did that shit back then, man.
01:38:28.479 --> 01:38:29.199
Absolutely.
01:38:29.439 --> 01:38:29.840
I know.
01:38:30.000 --> 01:38:31.279
Milk of the poppy.
01:38:31.600 --> 01:38:35.600
Can't have a fucking cold if you're in a coma from a opiate.
01:38:38.000 --> 01:38:41.119
Now album gracum wasn't only used in medicine.
01:38:41.279 --> 01:38:46.720
It had a practical application in leather making, specifically in the tanning and softening of leather.
01:38:46.960 --> 01:38:52.000
Dried dog shit contained enzymes and salts that can help break down proteins and animal hides.
01:38:52.239 --> 01:38:55.199
Tanners used it as part of the process to make leather more supple.
01:38:55.359 --> 01:38:56.640
This is called batting.
01:38:56.800 --> 01:39:03.359
The enzymes in feces, dog, bird, human, whatever, can act as a batting agent helping to remove hair and soften the hide.
01:39:03.520 --> 01:39:07.520
And unlike the medicinal use, this one actually makes some chemical sense.
01:39:07.760 --> 01:39:10.720
The enzymes genuinely do break down proteins.
01:39:11.119 --> 01:39:27.039
The process genuinely does soften leather, which makes the medical use even more interesting, because it suggests that people saw this substance working in one context, leather production, and thought, well, if it can break down tough animal hide, maybe it can break down the infected tissue.
01:39:27.359 --> 01:39:29.600
Which is not the worst reasoning in the world.
01:39:30.960 --> 01:39:34.640
It's absolutely fucking diabolically disgusting.
01:39:34.880 --> 01:39:36.079
Yes, that part.
01:39:36.800 --> 01:39:38.399
But not entirely stupid.
01:39:38.640 --> 01:39:45.760
It's the kind of analogical thinking that made sense before anyone understood biochemistry, or fucking anything, for that matter.
01:39:46.079 --> 01:39:49.199
The logic is there, the chemistry, however, is not.
01:39:49.439 --> 01:39:51.439
One of them actually worked.
01:39:51.840 --> 01:39:57.119
And I should mention that album grachum was not the only animal dung used in historical medicine.
01:39:57.359 --> 01:40:00.800
Ancient Egyptian medical texts mention using crocodile shit.
01:40:01.039 --> 01:40:04.000
Greek and Roman physicians wrote about using pigeon shit.
01:40:04.239 --> 01:40:15.439
Goat dung, cow dung, even human feces appeared in some recipes, though it was less common and considered more extreme, because, well yes, we humans are disgusting and we know this about ourselves.
01:40:15.760 --> 01:40:25.520
But what matters here is that album gracum was part of a larger system, a system in which animal products, dung, urine, blood, bones, organs, were all considered potential medicines.
01:40:25.680 --> 01:40:32.159
Not because people were disgusting, even though they most definitely were, but because they were working with what they had.
01:40:32.399 --> 01:40:40.720
Before synthetic drugs, before chemical isolation, before anyone understood molecular structures, medicine was made from whatever was available.
01:40:40.880 --> 01:40:50.640
And if you're already using powdered beetles, dried earthworms, and pulverized Helenskal, and yes, that was also a thing, then dried dog shit doesn't seem that far stretch.
01:40:50.880 --> 01:40:56.399
It's just another material, another substance with properties, another entry in the pharmacopeia.
01:40:56.720 --> 01:41:01.680
What mattered was whether it worked or not, or at least whether people believed that it worked or not.
01:41:01.840 --> 01:41:07.359
And for a long time, for far too long by my measure, they did believe.
01:41:07.680 --> 01:41:09.520
So where did it disappear to?
01:41:09.840 --> 01:41:12.880
Well, it just faded into the background gradually.
01:41:13.039 --> 01:41:20.720
As medical knowledge advanced in the nineteenth century, substances that could be explained or justified under the new frameworks started dropping like flies on shit.
01:41:21.039 --> 01:41:23.039
Germ theory arrived in quick fashion.
01:41:23.199 --> 01:41:31.359
Chemistry advanced beyond our previous rudimentary understanding, and people started asking, what is actually in this substance and what is it doing?
01:41:31.600 --> 01:41:36.960
And when you apply those questions to sun dried dog shit, the answers are not very encouraging.
01:41:37.359 --> 01:41:42.079
And so over time, Album Graecum vanished from the official medical textbooks and journals.
01:41:42.239 --> 01:41:48.239
There was no dramatic announcement, and of course there wasn't any sort of public apology from the medical establishment.
01:41:48.560 --> 01:41:52.479
It just stopped appearing in new editions of pharmacopeas.
01:41:52.880 --> 01:41:59.199
Apothecaries eventually stopped stocking it, physicians stopped prescribing it, and within a generation or two it was gone.
01:41:59.439 --> 01:42:07.439
Except in museum collections, of course, where it remains in jars with fancy handwritten labels, as evidence of what people once swallowed willingly.
01:42:07.600 --> 01:42:11.119
So let's return to where we started, to its name Album Gracum.
01:42:11.199 --> 01:42:17.119
It's a beautiful name, elegant, classical, the kind of name that makes you think of ancient wisdom and carefully preserved knowledge.
01:42:17.359 --> 01:42:18.880
But here's what I find fascinating.
01:42:19.039 --> 01:42:21.039
The name didn't describe what the substance was.
01:42:21.199 --> 01:42:22.479
It described what it looked like.
01:42:22.640 --> 01:42:27.680
Greek, white, just white, and Greek, which tells you something about how language works in medicine.
01:42:27.920 --> 01:42:32.159
If you call something by its plain name dog shit, it sounds ridiculous.
01:42:32.479 --> 01:42:39.760
But if you give it a fancy schmancy Latin name, put it in a jar, write it down in an official book, suddenly it's medicine.
01:42:40.000 --> 01:42:42.000
The substance didn't change.
01:42:42.239 --> 01:42:44.880
It was always as repulsive as it is now.
01:42:45.119 --> 01:42:46.560
But the name changed.
01:42:46.720 --> 01:42:50.800
And the name was enough to fool poor unsuspecting people with sore throats for centuries.
01:42:51.039 --> 01:42:52.319
That was all it took.
01:42:52.560 --> 01:42:57.520
People trusted that label because that's what Album Gracom really teaches us.
01:42:57.760 --> 01:43:01.520
Authority and nomenclature can make almost anything seem legitimate.
01:43:01.760 --> 01:43:04.800
Desperation and hope can override skepticism.
01:43:04.960 --> 01:43:10.000
The human need to cure suffering is so strong we'll try almost anything.
01:43:10.239 --> 01:43:12.640
Even if that anything is dog shit.
01:43:12.960 --> 01:43:23.359
So, take one last look at this jar, at the silky white powder inside, and at the elegant Latin name, and remember underneath the beautiful bottle and the pharmaceutical papers, it's just dog shit.
01:43:23.520 --> 01:43:24.960
It was always dog shit.
01:43:25.119 --> 01:43:26.720
They just called it something nicer.
01:43:27.039 --> 01:43:32.960
That really That really brings a whole new meaning to the phrase eat shit.
01:43:33.119 --> 01:43:34.800
Apso, fucking Luly.
01:43:35.359 --> 01:43:45.680
Also, um I am underutilizing my dog's productions on a regular basis because it is time that this came back.
01:43:45.840 --> 01:43:51.760
Have you seen the ads for all the face miracle face creams that contain salmon sperm?
01:43:52.000 --> 01:43:52.640
Oh yes.
01:43:52.800 --> 01:43:53.119
Yeah.
01:43:53.680 --> 01:43:54.640
Everywhere.
01:43:54.960 --> 01:43:56.560
I use those masks.
01:43:56.960 --> 01:44:03.199
There are face creams that contain the ground up foreskin of human beings.
01:44:03.840 --> 01:44:04.399
Yes.
01:44:04.560 --> 01:44:05.039
Yes.
01:44:05.199 --> 01:44:08.000
So dog shit is not technically that far off.
01:44:08.239 --> 01:44:10.880
And I'm seeing a gap in the market, my friend.
01:44:11.039 --> 01:44:15.119
Between all three of us, we can corner the market.
01:44:15.600 --> 01:44:18.239
We've got to start feeding our dogs poor bones.
01:44:18.479 --> 01:44:24.000
Because dog shit stopped turning white in like the 2000s, if I remember correctly.
01:44:24.720 --> 01:44:30.399
Listen, there are chemical treatments, and we could name it something like Purina something.
01:44:30.560 --> 01:44:31.520
So we're not lying.
01:44:31.600 --> 01:44:35.439
We'll be like, yeah, it's derived from Purina.
01:44:35.600 --> 01:44:37.760
It's Yeah, I was right.
01:44:38.159 --> 01:44:41.359
It stopped turning white by the late 1990s.
01:44:41.680 --> 01:44:43.680
By the late 1900s.
01:44:44.159 --> 01:44:46.239
By the late 1900s.
01:44:47.039 --> 01:44:52.479
Because we stopped putting that much calcium like ground up bone in their food.
01:44:52.720 --> 01:44:53.439
Fascinating.
01:44:53.680 --> 01:44:55.359
Which is surprising to me.
01:44:55.600 --> 01:44:57.039
That's why they love bones.
01:44:57.279 --> 01:44:58.000
Probably.
01:44:58.239 --> 01:45:01.520
It's the dog equivalent of a gram cracker for fiber.
01:45:02.079 --> 01:45:02.960
My god.
01:45:04.560 --> 01:45:05.920
And full circle.
01:45:06.079 --> 01:45:06.880
You're welcome.
01:45:07.199 --> 01:45:08.880
I was just gonna say that.
01:45:11.520 --> 01:45:15.760
And that brings us to the end of our main exhibits, but not the end of our tour.
01:45:15.920 --> 01:45:19.199
I highly recommend everyone wash their hands and possibly their retinas.
01:45:19.439 --> 01:45:23.520
We're now going to be moving to the interactive exhibit wing.
01:45:23.920 --> 01:45:28.560
I think by now we all know there's always some catastrophe unfolding in the middle of the museum.
01:45:28.640 --> 01:45:30.479
It happens around here every day.
01:45:30.800 --> 01:45:36.079
Tara, earlier we established that your hiring process today was highly expedited.
01:45:36.319 --> 01:45:40.720
Well while you were loitering by the loading dock, a new crate was delivered to the museum.
01:45:40.880 --> 01:45:44.960
The problem is our dear interns completely lost the shipping manifest.
01:45:45.199 --> 01:45:50.159
So we have a brand new artifact sitting in quarantine, but absolutely zero provenance.
01:45:50.319 --> 01:45:53.760
In other words, we have no idea what it is.
01:45:54.159 --> 01:45:59.039
Which brings us to our first interactive exhibit of the tour, the Lost Exhibit.
01:45:59.439 --> 01:46:04.720
Tara, as our guest curator, it is your job to tell the board of directors what they just bought.
01:46:04.960 --> 01:46:10.720
I'm going to slide a photograph of this completely unlabeled, highly questionable artifact across the table to you.
01:46:10.960 --> 01:46:16.720
You have to completely fabricate its history, its presumed purpose, and its cultural significance.
01:46:16.880 --> 01:46:23.439
You must confidently pitch us the absolute bullshit history of this item as if it were absolute fact.
01:46:23.680 --> 01:46:32.159
Once you have fully committed to your lie, I will reveal the actual fully unhinged truth about what this thing really is and what the fuck it was actually used for.
01:46:32.319 --> 01:46:38.319
And so you can have some time to think about it, but you can scroll down and look at the picture of whatever the fuck that thing is.
01:46:38.960 --> 01:46:40.239
Feel free to describe it.
01:46:40.479 --> 01:46:43.119
It uh looks like a bullet vibrator.
01:46:43.359 --> 01:46:47.760
Ummediately where my mind went as well.
01:46:48.319 --> 01:46:49.760
Absolutely does.
01:46:50.239 --> 01:46:57.039
Uh, it is a um gold cylindrical, almost pill-shaped.
01:46:57.279 --> 01:47:03.680
There's a little loop on the top, as if it goes onto like a necklace or a string of some sort.
01:47:04.479 --> 01:47:04.800
Okay.
01:47:06.479 --> 01:47:09.119
I believe this is the Bourner's vial.
01:47:09.279 --> 01:47:14.399
Supposedly it originated in Victorian England during the mid to late 1800s.
01:47:14.880 --> 01:47:29.119
Usually a cloth or a tiny piece of cotton was uh exposed to the person's person who had passed their clothing, their bedding, their perfume, tobacco, or whatever scent family members most strongly associated with them.
01:47:29.439 --> 01:47:38.319
Uh, it was then sealed inside the brass cylinder and worn as a pendant because brass tarnishes and reacts to years of handling.
01:47:38.479 --> 01:47:45.119
Uh, surviving examples supposedly developed the darkened, uneven finish seen here in this photo.
01:47:45.439 --> 01:47:54.800
So obviously, the presumed purpose was to um, of course, keep a loved one, their memory, and their scent alive.
01:47:55.439 --> 01:48:06.159
And today the mourner's vial would be interpreted and interpreted as an example of the Victorian attempt to make grief physical or something that you would hold their ashes in.
01:48:06.560 --> 01:48:08.239
Was that your final answer?
01:48:08.560 --> 01:48:10.239
Well, that is my final answer.
01:48:10.560 --> 01:48:12.640
That was a beautiful and compelling lie.
01:48:12.800 --> 01:48:16.720
However, the truth is significantly more traumatic.
01:48:16.960 --> 01:48:22.720
What you are looking at is an 1854 medical device invented by Dr.
01:48:22.880 --> 01:48:24.239
Alpheus Myers.
01:48:24.399 --> 01:48:27.359
It is quite literally a tapeworm trap.
01:48:27.680 --> 01:48:28.239
What?
01:48:28.479 --> 01:48:40.560
In the 19th century, tapeworms were a massive public health issue, partly because Victorian women were actually buying and swallowing pill capsules filled with dormant tapeworm cysts as a miracle weight loss trend.
01:48:40.720 --> 01:48:42.239
Sign me the fuck up.
01:48:42.560 --> 01:48:44.720
Right where do I get one?
01:48:46.720 --> 01:48:52.880
But eventually, you need the twenty foot parasite out of your body, and traditional medicines rarely worked.
01:48:53.039 --> 01:48:58.880
So doctor Myers decided to treat the human digestive tract like a rat problem in a pizza hut basement.
01:48:59.359 --> 01:49:05.840
The device in the photo is a small hollow metal capsule attached to a long, durable string, so you're close.
01:49:07.039 --> 01:49:11.199
It has little windows cut into the side and a spring loaded mechanism inside.
01:49:11.279 --> 01:49:15.600
The doctor would take a piece of cheese or raw meat and place it inside the cylinder.
01:49:15.760 --> 01:49:21.680
The fasting patient would then swallow the trap, leaving the long string hanging out of their mouth for days.
01:49:21.920 --> 01:49:30.159
Eventually, the starving tapeworm would smell the cheese, crawl up the digestive tract, and stick its head through the tiny metal window to get a bite.
01:49:30.399 --> 01:49:37.039
The second it disturbed the bait, the spring-loaded trap would snap shut, tightly trapping the tapeworm by the neck.
01:49:37.279 --> 01:49:39.840
I mean, tapeworms are just all neck.
01:49:40.239 --> 01:49:41.920
Right, yeah, which neck?
01:49:42.880 --> 01:49:55.520
Then the doctor would grab the string, and like the world's most horrifying game of deep-sea fishing, slowly pull the metal trap and the attached thrashing tapeworm back up the patient's stomach, up the esophagus, and out of their mouth.
01:49:57.199 --> 01:49:58.880
People are so creative.
01:50:04.960 --> 01:50:07.760
If you add the cheesy, it'll go down easy.
01:50:11.039 --> 01:50:15.439
In that wild though, that's a thing we actually did.
01:50:16.079 --> 01:50:31.359
I mean, with with this specific uh exhibit list of episode uh daily bobs, none of it actually surprises me because uh medical quote unquote devices formulas are are still just as ridiculous.
01:50:33.520 --> 01:50:35.119
What was your first guess, Lindsay?
01:50:35.279 --> 01:50:39.039
Well, Bullet Vibrator was absolutely first and foremost.
01:50:39.279 --> 01:50:43.279
Uh but I I didn't formulate a thought.
01:50:43.359 --> 01:50:48.079
I was too busy listening to Tara because that sounded so legitimate.
01:50:48.399 --> 01:50:50.640
Like I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:50:50.880 --> 01:50:52.159
All that makes focus sense.
01:50:52.239 --> 01:50:53.199
It has to be what it is.
01:50:53.279 --> 01:50:55.680
I'm the most gullible person on the planet.
01:50:56.800 --> 01:50:59.840
You could have told me that that was fact, and I'd be like, absolutely.
01:51:00.000 --> 01:51:04.880
She is so well educated on this specific not vibrator.
01:51:07.119 --> 01:51:07.680
Yeah.
01:51:08.159 --> 01:51:09.760
Alright, moving on down the hall.
01:51:10.000 --> 01:51:12.720
Are you guys ready for our next exhibit?
01:51:13.039 --> 01:51:13.600
Yeah.
01:51:14.159 --> 01:51:14.800
Yeah.
01:51:17.680 --> 01:51:23.920
This one is called Oddity or Fraudity, and I need both of you to step up to the glass.
01:51:24.159 --> 01:51:26.960
Tonight's theme was strange cures and questionable remedies.
01:51:27.119 --> 01:51:29.279
I prepared two final exhibits for you.
01:51:29.439 --> 01:51:36.479
One of these exhibits is an absolute 100% genuine medical procedure that respected doctors actually performed on people.
01:51:36.800 --> 01:51:38.079
That is our oddity.
01:51:38.399 --> 01:51:43.119
The other exhibit is complete and utter fiction that I made up in my kitchen.
01:51:43.359 --> 01:51:44.880
That is our fraudity.
01:51:45.439 --> 01:51:48.159
I'm going to pitch both of these to you.
01:51:48.880 --> 01:51:52.880
You two will deliberate, argue, and ultimately lock in your guesses.
01:51:53.039 --> 01:51:55.359
If you get it right, you win my fleeting respect.
01:51:55.680 --> 01:51:59.680
If you get it wrong, you're on the train duty for the quarantine ring.
01:52:00.640 --> 01:52:01.600
Are you ready?
01:52:02.560 --> 01:52:03.199
Yes.
01:52:04.079 --> 01:52:05.840
Here is Exhibit A.
01:52:06.319 --> 01:52:08.560
The Live Pigeon Slippers.
01:52:10.000 --> 01:52:11.359
Foot Pigeons.
01:52:12.239 --> 01:52:23.600
In the 17th and 18th centuries, if a patient was suffering from severe life-threatening fever meningitis or the buponic plague, doctors believed the deadly vapors of the disease were trapped in the brain.
01:52:23.840 --> 01:52:28.960
They followed the medical theory of sympathetic magic, meaning to draw the fever out.
01:52:29.119 --> 01:52:31.359
They needed a biological magnet.
01:52:31.680 --> 01:52:38.479
Specifically, something with an incredibly high, natural body heat to pull the corrupt humours away from the head.
01:52:38.800 --> 01:52:40.079
Enter the pigeon.
01:52:40.560 --> 01:52:49.680
The doctor would take a live pigeon, slice it completely in half down the middle, and immediately strap the warm, bloody halves of the bird directly to the bare soles of the patient's feet.
01:52:49.920 --> 01:52:57.279
They believed the frantically fleeting life force and extreme heat of the bird would literally suck the fever down through the body and out through the toes.
01:52:58.399 --> 01:52:59.840
And here's the wildest part.
01:53:00.000 --> 01:53:02.319
It wasn't even just a one and done.
01:53:02.479 --> 01:53:06.880
The doctors would leave the meat strapped to the feet until it cooled down and started to smell.
01:53:07.119 --> 01:53:14.079
They genuinely believed the pigeon flesh was rotting because it was successfully absorbing the patient's toxic plague vapours.
01:53:14.319 --> 01:53:19.760
Once it was full of poison, they'd toss it in the fire, slice open a fresh one, and strap it on.
01:53:20.000 --> 01:53:24.159
A severely ill patient could go through an entire flock of birds in a single weekend.
01:53:24.560 --> 01:53:27.680
This wasn't some fringe back alley folk remedy, either.
01:53:27.840 --> 01:53:31.279
It was standard premium medical practice for the royal family.
01:53:31.920 --> 01:53:46.880
Samuel Peppies famously documented it in his diary in 1668, noting that the royal physicians desperately applied pigeons to the feet of King Charles II's wife, Queen Catherine, when she fell into a severe fever-induced coma.
01:53:47.680 --> 01:53:53.680
And if you couldn't afford pigeons, the medical text happily suggested that you slice a live puppy in half instead.
01:53:54.960 --> 01:53:56.079
That was Exhibit A.
01:53:56.239 --> 01:53:57.439
This is Exhibit B.
01:53:57.760 --> 01:53:59.119
Bovine Flux Paste.
01:53:59.600 --> 01:54:05.439
In the 1700s, one of the absolute most terrifying and common ways to die was from severe dysentery.
01:54:05.760 --> 01:54:08.880
Colloquially known at the time as the bloody flux.
01:54:08.960 --> 01:54:15.760
It swept through cities and military camps, and doctors were completely desperate for a cure that would bind the bowels and kill the infection.
01:54:16.239 --> 01:54:21.199
Enter a premium highly expensive remedy that apothecaries whipped up for the elite.
01:54:21.359 --> 01:54:28.079
Doctors at the time believed that the key to stopping the flux was a heavy duty combination of rare animal byproducts and earth metals.
01:54:28.239 --> 01:54:33.920
First, they would extract large gallstones from slaughtered dairy cows and grind them down into a fine chalky powder.
01:54:34.079 --> 01:54:40.159
They believed the gallstone powder would act as a natural stool hardener and would help alleviate the patient's constant diarrhea.
01:54:40.479 --> 01:54:44.560
But you couldn't just swallow a spoonful of dry stone dust, as we learned earlier.
01:54:44.800 --> 01:54:54.000
To get it down, the apothecary would mix the powdered cow gallstones with thick, rendered beaver grease, specifically chosen to lubricate and coat the torn stomach lining.
01:54:54.159 --> 01:55:04.159
Then because it's the 1700s and they loved a heavy metal, they folded in liquid mercury to purge the infection, and a massive dose of raw opium to stop the stomach cramps.
01:55:04.479 --> 01:55:12.239
The apothecary would roll this horrific mixture of cowstones, beaver fat, mercury, and opium into a delicious, heavy, greasy paste.
01:55:12.399 --> 01:55:22.399
The patient had to swallow this nightmare every six hours until the dysentery stopped, which given the heavy metals and the narcotics usually just meant they slipped into a quiet, deeply toxic coma.
01:55:22.640 --> 01:55:23.600
So there you have it.
01:55:23.840 --> 01:55:28.159
Exhibit A, slapping half a warm bloody pigeon onto your bare feet to draw out a fever.
01:55:28.399 --> 01:55:34.079
Exhibit B, swallowing a rancid glob made of powdered cowstones, beaver grease, mercury, and opium to cure dysentery.
01:55:34.319 --> 01:55:38.640
Tara, Lindsay, which one is the oddity and which one is the fraudity?
01:55:39.840 --> 01:55:50.319
Based on what I have heard, learned, found out within this podcast about humans, both of those are incredibly plausible.
01:55:51.439 --> 01:55:58.319
I don't think I'm going to be able to dis determine this through the facts given within these exhibits.
01:55:58.479 --> 01:56:02.800
I think I'm going to have to go deeper and psychoanalyze you.
01:56:03.199 --> 01:56:03.520
Oh.
01:56:04.239 --> 01:56:04.960
Gavin.
01:56:05.680 --> 01:56:09.760
I will think while Tara disturbs your psyche a bit.
01:56:10.079 --> 01:56:10.800
What do you think, Tara?
01:56:10.960 --> 01:56:14.319
Is it exhibit A or Is it Exhibit B?
01:56:14.800 --> 01:56:18.000
Which one is the oddity and which one is the fraudity?
01:56:18.560 --> 01:56:34.079
I don't know why, but for some reason I'm leaning towards exhibit A just because cutting open pigeons and sticking them on your feet, like legit after everything we've learned tonight, I feel is kind of on brand.
01:56:35.279 --> 01:56:36.159
That's a very good guess.
01:56:36.319 --> 01:56:37.520
What about you, Lindsay?
01:56:38.000 --> 01:56:42.560
I mean, they ate dog shit, and now they're putting dead birds on their feet.
01:56:43.199 --> 01:56:44.399
Times were wild.
01:56:46.479 --> 01:56:54.560
I was also leaning towards exhibit A s also the part where you mentioned royalty got me.
01:56:54.960 --> 01:56:56.640
Because yes, it was fucked up.
01:56:56.800 --> 01:56:57.920
That is all fucked up.
01:56:58.000 --> 01:57:05.359
And you and I also, but yeah, you and I also have this thing about pigeons, so you might be doing this just to fuck with me.
01:57:06.800 --> 01:57:08.479
She is psychoanalyzing me.
01:57:09.359 --> 01:57:18.239
But I just feel yeah, like I mean, I've listened to enough of of this podcast that to like know how wild and crazy shit is on here.
01:57:18.479 --> 01:57:24.560
And I feel like the bovine flux paste is just like too much?
01:57:24.720 --> 01:57:25.439
Is it too much?
01:57:25.600 --> 01:57:25.840
Yeah.
01:57:26.399 --> 01:57:27.520
That's what I thought too.
01:57:28.000 --> 01:57:31.199
I'm like, hmm, this could actually be like a real thing, but then I'm like, mmm.
01:57:31.600 --> 01:57:34.640
But wearing pigeons as slippers isn't too much.
01:57:35.119 --> 01:57:35.680
Royalty.
01:57:36.079 --> 01:57:37.039
Or puppies.
01:57:38.079 --> 01:57:39.039
That's another thing.
01:57:39.199 --> 01:57:40.960
I don't think you would put in puppy.
01:57:41.119 --> 01:57:45.039
Honestly, I know how much you love dogs.
01:57:45.760 --> 01:57:47.279
I love this so much.
01:57:47.680 --> 01:57:52.560
And when you delivered that line, I was aghast, and you did not even react.
01:57:52.720 --> 01:57:54.159
You just said puppies.
01:57:54.479 --> 01:57:56.000
Like it was no problem.
01:57:56.880 --> 01:57:57.279
Yep.
01:57:57.520 --> 01:57:59.439
Alright, lock in your answers, ladies.
01:58:00.079 --> 01:58:01.119
I'm going with A.
01:58:01.199 --> 01:58:02.720
I'm going with pigeon feet.
01:58:03.520 --> 01:58:09.600
I think I'm gonna go with A as well, simply only, because of the royalty thing.
01:58:09.760 --> 01:58:12.720
And then with the bovine thing, it's too complicated.
01:58:13.199 --> 01:58:14.079
That's too much.
01:58:14.560 --> 01:58:16.479
There's too many ingredients in that.
01:58:17.039 --> 01:58:19.520
Well, the answer is exhibit A.
01:58:19.840 --> 01:58:21.600
Exhibit A is the oddity.
01:58:22.000 --> 01:58:25.439
Yay! The live pigeon slippers.
01:58:26.560 --> 01:58:27.680
Jesus Christ.
01:58:27.840 --> 01:58:29.199
It's still horrible.
01:58:29.439 --> 01:58:35.760
It's and the fraudity is obviously exhibit B, the bovine flux paste.
01:58:35.920 --> 01:58:36.640
Complete fiction.
01:58:36.960 --> 01:58:41.680
But this is the brilliant kind of fake because every single ingredient is historically plausible.
01:58:41.920 --> 01:58:47.279
18th century doctors actually use bezors, animal stomach stones, to absorb poison.
01:58:47.520 --> 01:58:53.680
Castorium, beaver gland secretions, for headaches, and mercury and opium for literally everything.
01:58:54.000 --> 01:58:55.119
So good job, ladies.
01:58:55.199 --> 01:58:56.239
You chose correctly.
01:58:56.960 --> 01:59:02.239
Another bit, you said you came up with it in the kitchen, and that was very much recipe-like.
01:59:02.720 --> 01:59:09.199
You were probably making something I don't know, a potato wrapped in something, and you're like, ooh.
01:59:09.520 --> 01:59:12.800
I didn't I didn't even put those two together.
01:59:13.119 --> 01:59:22.239
Like in my mind, I was just thinking, like, the bovine flux sounds like it could actually be a real thing, but of course Gavin was like, it's not gonna be that easy.
01:59:22.479 --> 01:59:23.119
Right.
01:59:25.359 --> 01:59:26.159
Well, perfect.
01:59:26.319 --> 01:59:27.520
Did you enjoy that?
01:59:27.840 --> 01:59:28.640
Uh I did.
01:59:28.800 --> 01:59:30.239
I'm I'm disturbed.
01:59:30.880 --> 01:59:31.840
And so quickly.
01:59:31.920 --> 01:59:34.239
Like that was the quickest exhibits we've ever done.
01:59:34.399 --> 01:59:34.880
I love you.
01:59:35.600 --> 01:59:36.319
Poor puppies.
01:59:36.720 --> 01:59:37.680
Poor puppies, yeah.
01:59:37.760 --> 01:59:39.119
That means the puppy part's true.
01:59:39.279 --> 01:59:40.159
Sorry, guys.
01:59:40.479 --> 01:59:41.760
Fucking royalty.
01:59:41.920 --> 01:59:43.039
Weirdest shit.
01:59:43.279 --> 01:59:51.199
And with that deeply cursed mental image securely lodged in everyone's brain, I think it's officially time to explore our last interactive exhibit on the tour.
01:59:51.359 --> 01:59:52.560
The suggestion box.
01:59:52.720 --> 01:59:55.199
And Lindsay is gonna walk us through that one.
01:59:55.520 --> 01:59:56.079
Yes.
01:59:56.319 --> 02:00:03.840
So before we completely lock the quarantine doors and let Tara escape, it's time to check the suggestion box on our way out.
02:00:04.079 --> 02:00:07.760
Today we're taking a look at our peers in the curation industry.
02:00:07.920 --> 02:00:13.520
It takes a lot of time, money, and historical preservation to run a world-class museum.
02:00:13.680 --> 02:00:18.800
And yet, people will still find a way to go on the internet and completely drag them.
02:00:19.119 --> 02:00:29.680
So I have pulled actual, 100% verified, one-star reviews left by real human beings for the most famous museums on Earth.
02:00:29.920 --> 02:00:37.840
Gavin, Tara, I'm going to read you the exact review, and you two have to guess what museum they're complaining about.
02:00:38.239 --> 02:00:39.439
Oh, I love this.
02:00:39.600 --> 02:00:40.800
I love a good hater.
02:00:41.039 --> 02:00:42.800
All right, Lindsay, hit us.
02:00:43.119 --> 02:00:44.000
Alright.
02:00:44.399 --> 02:00:45.840
Review number one.
02:00:46.560 --> 02:00:50.880
The main painting is incredibly small, and the woman looks very smug.
02:00:51.119 --> 02:00:54.720
Also, it was completely filled with TikTok influencers.
02:00:55.039 --> 02:00:55.840
One star.
02:00:56.800 --> 02:01:00.159
Um painting isn't gonna be smug.
02:01:00.640 --> 02:01:01.840
Is it Mona Lisa?
02:01:02.159 --> 02:01:02.800
That's my guess.
02:01:03.279 --> 02:01:04.000
Final guess?
02:01:04.239 --> 02:01:05.680
I don't know where she lives, though.
02:01:06.000 --> 02:01:08.079
Yeah, it's the Mona Lisa, but wherever she is.
02:01:09.920 --> 02:01:11.439
I'm going with Mona Lisa.
02:01:12.079 --> 02:01:13.439
Alright, I'll accept it.
02:01:13.680 --> 02:01:14.800
You are correct.
02:01:15.039 --> 02:01:19.760
This was complaining about the Mona Lisa, and it is in the Louvre in Paris.
02:01:20.640 --> 02:01:22.319
Very small, apparently.
02:01:22.720 --> 02:01:24.239
Very, very small.
02:01:24.560 --> 02:01:26.399
And the woman looks very smug.
02:01:27.119 --> 02:01:33.760
Imagine a one-star review for one of the most distinguished masterpieces ever created.
02:01:34.239 --> 02:01:35.039
That's wild word.
02:01:35.279 --> 02:01:36.720
And you know what?
02:01:36.800 --> 02:01:38.239
It was small and TikTok.
02:01:41.760 --> 02:01:42.640
It's funny.
02:01:42.960 --> 02:01:43.760
Alright.
02:01:44.000 --> 02:01:44.800
Number two.
02:01:45.039 --> 02:01:45.840
Number two.
02:01:46.960 --> 02:01:48.319
Review number two.
02:01:48.720 --> 02:01:50.960
This one is incredibly blunt.
02:01:51.359 --> 02:01:53.439
Worst aquarium ever.
02:01:53.760 --> 02:01:54.640
One star.
02:01:55.199 --> 02:01:57.840
Uh is that the Seattle aquarium?
02:01:58.880 --> 02:02:00.720
That was my thought too.
02:02:01.039 --> 02:02:03.760
Is it the blue zoo and the Northtown Mall?
02:02:04.479 --> 02:02:05.439
Oh my god, yeah.
02:02:10.640 --> 02:02:13.119
Well, I think I'm gonna I'm gonna go with Seattle.
02:02:13.439 --> 02:02:14.640
Yeah, Seattle.
02:02:14.880 --> 02:02:15.279
Seattle.
02:02:15.600 --> 02:02:17.439
They didn't give us a lot of clues here.
02:02:18.079 --> 02:02:23.119
Well, keep in mind that these are distinguished uh historical places.
02:02:23.439 --> 02:02:23.840
That's fair.
02:02:24.000 --> 02:02:29.119
And so this belonged to the new Bedford Whaling Museum in Massachusetts.
02:02:29.680 --> 02:02:37.920
It's a history museum about whaling ships, and they were just absolutely furious that there were no live fish presents.
02:02:40.319 --> 02:02:41.600
I'd be pissed off at that time.
02:02:41.920 --> 02:02:43.039
I mean, I get it.
02:02:43.439 --> 02:02:48.960
Probably cost$32 in where the goddamn fish at.
02:02:49.119 --> 02:02:50.159
This place is bullshit.
02:02:50.239 --> 02:02:52.479
It's probably 20 bucks for a corndog.
02:02:55.520 --> 02:02:56.479
Alright.
02:02:56.720 --> 02:03:00.399
Let's move on to review number three.
02:03:00.640 --> 02:03:05.439
My boyfriend got yelled at by a security card just for pointing at a spoon.
02:03:05.680 --> 02:03:06.560
One star.
02:03:07.039 --> 02:03:09.119
Um a spoon.
02:03:09.760 --> 02:03:11.600
Maybe the Titanic Museum.
02:03:11.840 --> 02:03:12.479
Oh yeah.
02:03:12.720 --> 02:03:14.000
Titanic Museum.
02:03:14.319 --> 02:03:17.680
Where would a spoon be on display?
02:03:18.079 --> 02:03:19.760
I know that's what I'm trying to think of.
02:03:19.840 --> 02:03:21.760
Like Is it a cocaine spoon?
02:03:22.000 --> 02:03:23.039
The Smithsonian.
02:03:23.119 --> 02:03:23.439
I don't know.
02:03:23.520 --> 02:03:25.279
I'm going with Smithsonian.
02:03:26.399 --> 02:03:28.880
Or will Fuck, I don't yeah, I don't know.
02:03:28.960 --> 02:03:30.319
I'm that's my best guess.
02:03:30.560 --> 02:03:32.000
I'm gonna go with the Met.
02:03:32.319 --> 02:03:34.319
Tara, you are in fact correct.
02:03:34.479 --> 02:03:38.159
The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.
02:03:38.399 --> 02:03:38.880
Good for you.
02:03:38.960 --> 02:03:40.000
I'm an idiot.
02:03:40.319 --> 02:03:41.199
Good for you.
02:03:43.760 --> 02:03:45.840
Elmo doesn't like this game.
02:03:46.880 --> 02:03:48.479
Elmo could shut the fuck up.
02:03:48.720 --> 02:03:51.439
Elmo should have been in bed four hours ago.
02:03:54.560 --> 02:03:57.119
All right, review number four.
02:03:57.439 --> 02:03:58.800
Total disappointment.
02:03:58.960 --> 02:04:04.479
The film, not at the museum, really embellished the place, and the reality is quite different.
02:04:04.800 --> 02:04:05.600
One star.
02:04:05.920 --> 02:04:08.640
Okay, this one has to be a Smithsonian.
02:04:11.680 --> 02:04:13.359
I'm gonna be incredibly disappointed in the Mm.
02:04:15.680 --> 02:04:18.319
Well, um, I hate to tell you this.
02:04:18.479 --> 02:04:21.039
The Smithsonian in Washington, D.C.
02:04:22.079 --> 02:04:23.760
is not applicable here.
02:04:24.000 --> 02:04:27.760
This is the American Museum of Natural History in New York, D.C.
02:04:28.239 --> 02:04:29.439
Oh, fuck me.
02:04:30.000 --> 02:04:32.159
We need to watch that movie again, I guess.
02:04:32.319 --> 02:04:36.960
And shockingly, um I didn't I didn't realize this had to be explained.
02:04:37.119 --> 02:04:40.000
The exhibits do not actually come to life at night.
02:04:40.159 --> 02:04:40.319
No.
02:04:40.640 --> 02:04:44.079
So if you do visit, do not be disappointed.
02:04:45.119 --> 02:04:50.640
Actually, in hindsight, this one-star review, was she allowed in after dark?
02:04:52.399 --> 02:04:53.119
That's fair.
02:04:53.279 --> 02:04:56.319
Because how would she know unless she was there at nighttime?
02:04:56.880 --> 02:04:58.159
Exactly.
02:04:58.640 --> 02:05:02.640
Okay, but also wasn't Night at the Museum the museum and that the Smithsonian?
02:05:02.960 --> 02:05:07.600
The second one, Night at the Museum, those, I believe, was the Smithsonian.
02:05:08.079 --> 02:05:09.439
Ha ha, curveball.
02:05:09.680 --> 02:05:10.239
Trick question.
02:05:10.640 --> 02:05:11.760
Learning so much today.
02:05:13.680 --> 02:05:14.640
Alright.
02:05:15.840 --> 02:05:18.319
Oh, don't click on the wrong spots.
02:05:19.600 --> 02:05:20.560
Alright.
02:05:20.800 --> 02:05:23.439
The last and final review, number five.
02:05:24.079 --> 02:05:29.520
It's literally just a giant warehouse full of things that the British stole from everyone else.
02:05:29.840 --> 02:05:30.640
One star.
02:05:32.479 --> 02:05:34.479
Oh, it's gotta be like a British war museum.
02:05:34.800 --> 02:05:36.079
The British Museum.
02:05:37.279 --> 02:05:38.239
The British Museum.
02:05:38.479 --> 02:05:42.159
They're the ones who stole everything from the Egyptians.
02:05:43.359 --> 02:05:44.239
Davin?
02:05:44.640 --> 02:05:52.560
As weird as it sounds, the British Museum in London is the factual establishment.
02:05:53.520 --> 02:05:56.399
That's good because my other option was the Lerv.
02:05:57.279 --> 02:05:58.079
The Lerve.
02:05:58.560 --> 02:05:59.840
How the fuck you say that?
02:05:59.920 --> 02:06:00.560
I don't know.
02:06:01.359 --> 02:06:01.760
Nope.
02:06:02.079 --> 02:06:02.640
The Lerve.
02:06:02.960 --> 02:06:04.880
It's the Lerv from now on.
02:06:07.199 --> 02:06:11.039
You guys want to go check out that one tiny little bitch in the Lerv?
02:06:14.640 --> 02:06:15.600
That was pretty good.
02:06:15.680 --> 02:06:16.159
I like that.
02:06:16.399 --> 02:06:17.359
I like that one.
02:06:17.439 --> 02:06:18.399
That's fun.
02:06:18.880 --> 02:06:20.560
The aquarium one caught me.
02:06:22.079 --> 02:06:25.359
It's a shipping museum, and they're like, where the fucking fish hat?
02:06:25.520 --> 02:06:27.279
This place is bullshit.
02:06:28.079 --> 02:06:30.479
How can they even call it an aquarium then?
02:06:30.640 --> 02:06:34.960
It should just be like the historical ship museum.
02:06:35.920 --> 02:06:39.119
They've got like a goldfish tank in the lobby.
02:06:42.000 --> 02:06:46.159
I'm gonna go to a pet cemetery and be like, worst pet shop ever.
02:06:49.680 --> 02:06:53.039
Oh we call that Northwest Seed and Pet around here.
02:06:53.520 --> 02:06:55.199
That's our local aquarium, yeah.
02:06:56.560 --> 02:06:57.199
It is true.
02:06:57.279 --> 02:07:00.000
I used to go there and look at all the fishies and the toitles.
02:07:01.359 --> 02:07:06.399
I still visit, but now I daydream about all the plants that I should have, but don't.
02:07:06.640 --> 02:07:07.119
I know.
02:07:07.439 --> 02:07:09.680
And then I have to stay away from the ferrets.
02:07:11.199 --> 02:07:12.399
They do stink though.
02:07:12.560 --> 02:07:16.239
If per if ferrets didn't smell so bad, I would probably have a few.
02:07:16.399 --> 02:07:17.119
But they stink.
02:07:17.439 --> 02:07:19.199
Well, and they have to have a partner.
02:07:19.279 --> 02:07:20.239
You can't have just one.
02:07:20.319 --> 02:07:21.039
You have to have two.
02:07:21.600 --> 02:07:22.000
Yep.
02:07:22.960 --> 02:07:26.479
And also my cat would be a little too excited, I am sure of it.
02:07:27.680 --> 02:07:28.560
That's fair.
02:07:28.640 --> 02:07:36.880
Well, with that, ladies and gentlemen, and anyone currently reconsidering their trust in the medical profession, the historical medical exhibit doors are officially locked.
02:07:36.960 --> 02:07:39.760
You can now remove your PPE your PPE.
02:07:40.159 --> 02:07:41.439
Why can I say that?
02:07:42.399 --> 02:07:43.840
Don't remove your PPE.
02:07:44.319 --> 02:07:45.600
Don't remove it.
02:07:45.760 --> 02:07:46.720
You need it.
02:07:47.279 --> 02:07:49.279
You can now remove your PPE.
02:07:49.600 --> 02:07:51.359
That concludes tonight's tour.
02:07:51.680 --> 02:07:53.119
We made it to the end.
02:07:53.279 --> 02:07:56.399
I really wasn't sure if we were ever gonna get here.
02:07:57.439 --> 02:08:01.119
I'm actively Googling how to sue a podcast for emotional distress.
02:08:01.279 --> 02:08:03.279
Consider this my formal resignation.
02:08:03.760 --> 02:08:07.359
HR requires at minimum two weeks' notice, so you're trapped for now.
02:08:07.520 --> 02:08:14.399
But before we release our surviving visitors back into the wild, we should probably take a moment to acknowledge what just transpired in here.
02:08:14.720 --> 02:08:20.000
Yeah, a mandatory debrief is definitely required to unpack the situation that just unfolded.
02:08:20.319 --> 02:08:22.800
What did you guys think of this episode, this tour?
02:08:23.119 --> 02:08:24.800
Oh, this was great.
02:08:25.119 --> 02:08:36.880
I love how it went from like eat bland crackers so you don't self-pollute to sit in a box so that you self-pollute correctly.
02:08:39.840 --> 02:08:42.399
We really went from one extreme to the next.
02:08:42.880 --> 02:08:50.079
And then Gavin moved right into actual literal self-pollution with people just eating dog shit.
02:08:50.640 --> 02:08:52.319
There was definitely some of that.
02:08:55.840 --> 02:08:59.119
I misunderstood the assignment, but I followed the theme.
02:09:00.079 --> 02:09:05.199
And I really think we should bring the fuck box back with some minor mechanical changes.
02:09:05.439 --> 02:09:05.680
Yes.
02:09:05.920 --> 02:09:07.920
But uh I like Survive, personally.
02:09:08.239 --> 02:09:10.159
I mean I'm on board.
02:09:10.479 --> 02:09:13.359
An intimate little space to what was it?
02:09:13.520 --> 02:09:14.479
Ectoplasm.
02:09:14.880 --> 02:09:17.680
Orgasmically connect to the universe.
02:09:17.920 --> 02:09:18.560
Yes.
02:09:20.079 --> 02:09:22.319
Those were the words I was looking for.
02:09:24.560 --> 02:09:26.319
Cosmetic fuck energy.
02:09:26.479 --> 02:09:28.239
I've never gonna forget that.
02:09:30.000 --> 02:09:31.520
Put it on a shirt.
02:09:31.920 --> 02:09:34.319
I was just gonna say I'm gonna put that on a shirt.
02:09:34.560 --> 02:09:40.800
Yeah, we should all get matching shirts to uh to to honor this this partnership this evening.
02:09:40.960 --> 02:09:44.880
Just I'm made out of cosmic fuck energy.
02:09:45.520 --> 02:09:47.600
Some people are made out of stardust.
02:09:47.840 --> 02:09:48.159
Me?
02:09:48.479 --> 02:09:49.920
Cosmic fuck energy.
02:09:51.760 --> 02:09:52.880
Knock knock.
02:09:53.119 --> 02:09:53.840
Who's there?
02:09:54.000 --> 02:09:54.960
Fuck box.
02:09:55.119 --> 02:09:56.319
Fuck box who?
02:09:56.720 --> 02:09:57.279
I don't know.
02:09:57.359 --> 02:10:00.640
Just come sit in the fuck box so you have the best orgasm possible.
02:10:02.880 --> 02:10:04.800
You should have said fuckbox where?
02:10:05.039 --> 02:10:06.720
Then end of joke.
02:10:08.880 --> 02:10:11.279
Well, Zara, you survived your first shift.
02:10:11.520 --> 02:10:20.079
Before we let you escape back to the safety of the outside world, please tell the tour group where they can find you so that they can properly detox from this experience.
02:10:21.039 --> 02:10:22.479
It's my pleasure.
02:10:22.800 --> 02:10:30.479
And before you lock me in the guest wing and add me to the permanent collection, I just want to say thank you for letting me come play curator for the night.
02:10:30.640 --> 02:10:35.279
I had an absolute blast contributing my own questionable piece to the collection.
02:10:35.520 --> 02:10:44.079
And if anybody listening enjoyed having me here, or you've spent this entire episode thinking, who invited this woman and why do I kind of want more?
02:10:44.239 --> 02:10:46.960
Come hang out with me over at Thick Lies and Murder Vibes.
02:10:47.119 --> 02:10:51.359
New episodes drop every Wednesday, and you can find me wherever podcasts live.
02:10:51.600 --> 02:10:54.880
Gavin and Lindsay, seriously, thank you for having me.
02:10:55.039 --> 02:11:01.439
This was so much fun, and I would happily come back anytime you need someone to lower the professional standards of the auditorium.
02:11:03.199 --> 02:11:08.079
Now please give me my visitor badge back and let me out before somebody turns off the lights.
02:11:08.239 --> 02:11:15.680
Because I was specifically told these exhibits cannot move after dark, and I do not intend to find out whether that was a joke.
02:11:16.079 --> 02:11:17.920
Very nice butt plug.
02:11:18.159 --> 02:11:20.319
Very nice butt plug, yes, yes.
02:11:20.640 --> 02:11:22.560
Nicely done, nicely done.
02:11:23.359 --> 02:11:27.760
But seriously, everyone, go listen to her show immediately.
02:11:28.000 --> 02:11:33.920
It is absolutely fantastic, and it has significantly less fecal medicine.
02:11:34.720 --> 02:11:36.800
Well, that's it for this tour, folks.
02:11:36.960 --> 02:11:39.199
Thank you for joining us at the Oddities Department.
02:11:39.439 --> 02:11:42.640
If you made it all the way through this tour, congratulations.
02:11:42.960 --> 02:11:45.119
You survived a many of things tonight.
02:11:45.359 --> 02:11:47.840
And once again, you didn't throw up.
02:11:48.079 --> 02:11:49.760
Oh, I came very close.
02:11:50.000 --> 02:11:51.840
This tour was very educational.
02:11:52.000 --> 02:11:55.680
I feel like this museum really draws out your true potential.
02:11:56.000 --> 02:12:01.279
In the same way a hot, fleshy, flayed pigeon draws the plague out of your toes.
02:12:01.520 --> 02:12:05.119
Unfortunately, for all of us, the museum is closing for the night.
02:12:05.279 --> 02:12:11.760
But don't worry, we have more strange, disturbing, and historically questionable exhibits waiting for you next time.
02:12:12.079 --> 02:12:17.119
As always, you should be excited and appropriately concerned.
02:12:17.359 --> 02:12:21.600
Because if there's one thing we're genuinely good at, it's finding something weirder for next week.
02:12:21.840 --> 02:12:24.319
The odds are statistically in our favor.
02:12:24.720 --> 02:12:28.239
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review the show wherever you listen.
02:12:28.399 --> 02:12:33.840
It helps all the other weirdos find us, and it helps keep this deeply questionable museum open.
02:12:34.079 --> 02:12:40.479
You can also follow us on Instagram and TikTok for clips, chaos, behind-the-scenes nonsense, and whatever else falls out of the walls.
02:12:40.720 --> 02:12:42.319
We don't ask where it came from.
02:12:42.479 --> 02:12:45.600
We just check the quarantine logs and hope it isn't contagious.
02:12:45.920 --> 02:12:49.840
Alright, let's get out of here before someone else tries to prescribe us something.
02:12:50.079 --> 02:12:51.119
Stay curious.
02:12:51.359 --> 02:12:52.079
Stay weird.
02:12:52.319 --> 02:12:57.760
And whatever you do, be careful what kind of lozages you buy at the apothecary.
02:12:58.079 --> 02:13:00.720
It might just be a fancy chalky dog poo.
02:13:00.960 --> 02:13:06.000
Also, if a doctor comes at your feet with a live pigeon, just run towards the light.
02:13:06.159 --> 02:13:11.359
And if anyone ever tells you they have a brand new way to catch a tapeworm, do not.
02:13:11.680 --> 02:13:16.560
Under any circumstances, let them talk you into swallowing whatever the fuck that was.
02:13:16.800 --> 02:13:18.239
That is how they get you.
02:13:18.399 --> 02:13:19.760
See you next week.
02:13:25.600 --> 02:13:26.800
Very nice harmonized.
02:13:27.119 --> 02:13:28.960
I think we harmonized on the K body.
02:13:29.359 --> 02:13:31.359
Yeah, that was like a B flat.
02:13:31.920 --> 02:13:34.720
Yeah, we be, we do be flat.
02:13:38.720 --> 02:13:39.920
Oh, that was fun.
02:13:40.000 --> 02:13:40.720
I like that.
02:13:42.000 --> 02:13:43.520
Under three hours.
02:13:43.840 --> 02:13:44.399
Under.
02:13:44.560 --> 02:13:47.920
Woo! Tara, you came to the productive.
02:13:48.560 --> 02:13:49.199
Wow.
02:13:50.399 --> 02:13:53.119
It's like my normal bedtime right now.
02:13:53.279 --> 02:13:54.720
I'm astounded.
02:13:56.640 --> 02:14:00.560
God, last time we didn't even get done till what was that, 12:30?
02:14:00.880 --> 02:14:06.640
You sang me a happy birthday in the middle of the Jesus Four Skin exhibit.
02:14:06.880 --> 02:14:07.520
Yep.
02:14:07.760 --> 02:14:08.399
Yeah.
02:14:11.439 --> 02:14:12.399
Whoops.
00:00:08.560 --> 00:00:12.160
Lindsay, I have a question.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:16.879
If it's about the smell in the East Wing, I already submitted a work order.
00:00:17.120 --> 00:00:19.039
It's not about the smell.
00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:22.320
Who is the woman in the lobby or in the lanyard?
00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:26.719
And the white coat, covered in what I'm assuming is flour and cinnamon?
00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:28.719
Oh, that's Tara.
00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:30.399
She's our temporary hire.
00:00:30.719 --> 00:00:32.399
Why do we need a temp?
00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:33.600
Did someone quit?
00:00:33.759 --> 00:00:36.320
Did we lose another intern to the catacombs?
00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:38.159
No, the interns are fine.
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:38.719
Mostly.
00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:41.679
Tara's stepping in as a guest tour guide tonight.
00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:44.240
And she passed the background check.
00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:51.679
I didn't realize willingness to lie to historians was a prerequisite, but I passed with flying colors.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:54.640
Oh god, there's two of you now.
00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:57.280
I know! Isn't she perfect?
00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:01.920
I found her wandering near the loading dock and handed her a clipboard and a big stick.
00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:07.359
I was told there'd be health insurance, but so far I've only been given a flashlight and a tetanus shot.
00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:09.200
Yep, that sounds about right.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:10.959
We don't have dental, by the way.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:11.760
That's fine.
00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:13.439
I brought my own teeth.
00:01:13.920 --> 00:01:14.560
What?
00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:17.359
See, she fits right the fuck in.
00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:19.359
Yep, it do be like that.
00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:22.159
Tara, do you have any idea what you've signed up for?
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:25.840
Lindsay said we look at weird stuff and occasionally traumatize you.
00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.000
If that's the case, I'm working for free.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:29.280
Well, fine.
00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:30.319
Open the doors.
00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:34.319
For the temp finds a secret lab and unleashes an ancient plague.
00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:36.239
What?
00:01:36.640 --> 00:01:48.400
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the auditorium inside the Oddities department, where the theme has been chosen for us, where we actually get to touch the exhibits, and where all logic and reason have gone to die.
00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:49.760
I'm Gavin.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:51.120
I'm Lindsay.
00:01:51.359 --> 00:01:52.560
And I'm Tara.
00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:56.159
If you don't know Tara, you absolutely should.
00:01:56.319 --> 00:02:03.200
When she isn't tempted for us, she's the host of a fantastic podcast, Thick Thighs and Murder Vibes.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:04.640
Absolutely.
00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:18.159
Like Lindsay said, I'm the host of Fig Thies and Murder Vibes, which is a 420-friendly true crime podcast where I tell you horrifying stories with the energy of your slightly unhinged best friend who did way too much research.
00:02:18.400 --> 00:02:30.479
We talk about true crime, questionable decisions, and all the moments that make you stop and go, Sir, what the actual So, if that sounds like your kind of chaos, come hang out with me.
00:02:30.639 --> 00:02:37.120
New episodes drop every Wednesday, and you can find Thick Thighs and Murder Vibes wherever you listen to podcasts.
00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:45.360
And apparently today I've been temporarily trusted with a museum exhibit, which feels like a terrible decision on your part, but I am thrilled to be here.
00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:48.639
We welcome you with open arms and caution.
00:02:48.879 --> 00:02:56.080
For those of you who have just checked in, please put on your masks and all of the PPE, and you might want to say a prayer or two.
00:02:56.319 --> 00:02:59.520
Congratulations on stumbling into our very first guest tour.
00:02:59.680 --> 00:03:04.960
Around here, we call our episodes tours, and tonight, Lindsay and I are no longer driving the bus.
00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:11.039
We handed the steering wheel to Tara, and honestly, we aren't entirely sure where we're going.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:16.400
Usually, I have a small inkling about what fresh horrors Lindsay is going to drag me through.
00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:19.199
Tonight, we're just as in the dark as you are.
00:03:19.360 --> 00:03:23.439
Tara picked the theme and we just had to scramble to match the energy.
00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:24.960
It's true.
00:03:25.199 --> 00:03:27.439
We are entirely at her mercy.
00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:33.599
But to level the playing field, we're also forcing her to navigate some brand new museum wings tonight.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:39.439
After our usual exhibit tour, we will be cutting the ribbon on our newest wing, the auditorium.
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:42.719
An interactive exhibit experience.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:48.240
We have three new interactive exhibits for our guest tour guide and for our listeners.
00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:51.199
It's gonna get wild, it's gonna get weird.
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:54.879
Which I've been told is pretty on brand for around these parts.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:56.560
Exactly.
00:03:56.719 --> 00:04:00.240
It's essentially a hazing ritual disguised as a podcast.
00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:02.400
So welcome to the team, Tara.
00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:05.039
I'm just happy to be out of the house, honestly.
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:12.080
Please enjoy your visit, stay with the group, and whatever you do, do not drink anything from the apothecary jars.
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.520
Grab your flashlight, check your footing, stay behind the rope and follow us.
00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:17.600
There are no shortcuts to this tour.
00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:20.560
Oh, I just so happen to have a flashlight.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:22.560
You're gonna need it, Tara.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:25.920
As the guest curator, you hold the keys tonight.
00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:30.240
What is the uh overarching theme you've chosen to ruin Gavin's night with?
00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:33.680
Tonight we're opening up the medical nightmare exhibit.
00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:38.000
Our theme is strange cures and questionable remedies.
00:04:38.639 --> 00:04:39.439
Naturally.
00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:45.600
Bloodletting, toxic heavy metals, Victorian doctors prescribing ghosts.
00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:47.600
We've been down this road before.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:50.079
What could possibly go wrong?
00:04:50.560 --> 00:04:52.079
So much, Gavin.
00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:53.759
So much.
00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:56.399
I cannot wait.
00:04:56.560 --> 00:05:00.639
Although I'm already dreading how you interpreted this scene, Gavin.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:05.759
My exhibit is completely professional, highly educational, boring.
00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:09.120
Thoroughly researched presentation about medical history.
00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:11.120
I'll be the judge of that.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:12.560
Exactly.
00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:18.079
But Tara is the VIP tonight, so she gets to lead the way into the ward first.
00:05:18.480 --> 00:05:20.560
Alright, Tara, the floor is yours.
00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:22.319
Masks up, everyone.
00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:23.360
Follow me.
00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:25.680
This is Exhibit 139.
00:05:26.079 --> 00:05:28.000
Ski! Okay.
00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:34.480
Before we get into the weeds today, I need both of you to picture a graham cracker.
00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:36.560
I like graham crackers.
00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:37.920
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:38.879
I'm a fan.
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:43.759
It's just it's just a regular, innocent little graham cracker.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:46.879
Maybe you're picturing a cheesecake crust.
00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:47.680
Maybe.
00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:53.439
You're picturing those little cinnamon teddy bears you used to inhale by the handfuls as a child.
00:05:56.079 --> 00:05:58.959
Wow, that just unlocked something inside of me.
00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:03.439
Or maybe you're picturing a campfire s'more.
00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:08.800
Crispy cracker, molten marshmallow, melted Hershey bar running down your knuckles.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:13.120
Pure, unadulterated, carb-loaded joy.
00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:20.720
It's quite literally one of the least threatening, most pedestrian grocery items on planet Earth.
00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:25.759
It lives on the shelf right next to the vanilla wafers and the animal crackers.
00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:45.839
Now, what if I told you that somewhere in the family tree of this innocent little beige rectangle is an antebellum Presbyterian minister who was insanely psychologically concerned about America's eating habits and America's spiritual morality?
00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:53.360
And most importantly, what every single man, woman, and child was doing with their private parts behind closed doors.
00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:55.279
I beg your findings pardon.
00:06:57.439 --> 00:07:03.759
I I mean I'm also one and I I'm interested in what people are doing with their private parts behind closed doors too.
00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:05.279
They didn't see that coming.
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:14.720
Well, in the early 1800s, according to this man, our digestive track and your libido were essentially running on the exact same circuit breaker.
00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:16.079
That checks out.
00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:33.279
So today we are talking about Reverend Sylvester Graham, preacher, temperance lecturer, vegetarian, evangelist, coarse grain zealot, professional enemy of joy, and the man whose name is permanently stamped on a cardboard box in your pantry.
00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:41.279
And I need to get one massive historical caveat out of the way before we even unlock the doors to this exhibit.
00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:52.959
The graham cracker you buy at the store today, the sweet one, the one packed with honey, brown sugar, cinnamon, and refined flour, that is not what Sylvester Graham baked.
00:07:53.279 --> 00:07:56.560
Not even in the same geological epoch.
00:07:57.920 --> 00:08:09.439
In fact, if Sylvester Graham were resurrected today and handed a modern honeymade cracker, the sheer caloric delight would probably give him an aneurysm and kill him a second time.
00:08:11.040 --> 00:08:22.800
Because this man dedicated his entire adult existence to convincing the public that flavorful, stimulating food would physically and spiritually destroy them.
00:08:23.120 --> 00:08:24.959
Has he ever had good food?
00:08:25.279 --> 00:08:28.319
I mean, I don't think so.
00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:33.919
I mean, based on what Tara said, if he did, it probably gave him a boner or something.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.480
He probably didn't like it because of God.
00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:37.679
I don't know.
00:08:38.080 --> 00:08:39.039
There it is.
00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:40.559
I'm rolling with it.
00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:49.279
So the modern food industry responded by turning his name into dessert scaffolding for melted milk chocolate and fire roasted marshmallows.
00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:51.600
Seems reasonable enough.
00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:59.440
It is quite frankly the most spectacular act of corporate disrespect in American history, and I cherish that deeply.
00:09:00.720 --> 00:09:06.000
So to understand how we got here, we have to travel back to the early 19th century.
00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:09.840
So get in the DeLorean and let's go.
00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:13.919
Who the fuck was Sylvester Graham?
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:19.279
Well, he was born in West Suffild, Connecticut, in 1794.
00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:33.519
He was the 17th child of a 72-year-old father who died when Sylvester was an infant, and after a chaotic childhood spent being passed around relatives, he eventually st I know.
00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:34.480
Seventeen.
00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:37.120
I know, it's a vagina, not a clown car.
00:09:38.320 --> 00:09:42.320
Was his mother named Sheila by chance?
00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.919
You know, I don't think I uh I don't think I found that.
00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:48.799
I don't know.
00:09:49.519 --> 00:09:49.919
You know what?
00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:51.600
For the sake of it, we're gonna say yes.
00:09:51.919 --> 00:09:52.559
I agree.
00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:53.200
Probably.
00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:53.840
It makes sense.
00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:54.879
Yeah, probably.
00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:55.440
Yeah.
00:09:55.679 --> 00:09:58.559
Sheila seems like somebody who would have 17 children.
00:09:58.879 --> 00:09:59.360
Yeah.
00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:00.000
Yeah.
00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:08.879
Sylvester eventually studied at Amherst Academy and was ordained as a Presbyterian minister in 1826.
00:10:09.279 --> 00:10:13.519
Now, Graham didn't stay in a traditional pulpit for very long.
00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:21.759
He started working for the Pennsylvania Temperance Society in 1830, lecturing against the evils of demon liquor.
00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:28.639
And this was a wild moment to decide you were going to fix how the entire country functioned.
00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:33.840
America in the 1830s was in the middle of massive industrial upheaval.
00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:39.039
People were moving from rural farms into packed smoggy cities.
00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:44.080
Factories were booming, and the way Americans ate was changing rapidly.
00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:52.000
For centuries, flour had been milled in ways that left the coarse brand and the germ in the grain.
00:10:52.480 --> 00:11:03.519
But newer, more industrial milling and bolting technology meant commercial millers could easily strip away the outer layers and produce fine, silky, snow white flour.
00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:09.120
To nineteenth century consumers, white bread was high status.
00:11:14.080 --> 00:11:18.000
It looked clean, it looked modern, it looked refined.
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:27.759
Commercial bakers loved it because it sold fast, and they frequently spiked it with chemical additives like alum, chloride, and plaster dust.
00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:34.559
And plaster dust to make stale low-grade flour look blindingly white and fluffy.
00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:41.039
Sylvester Graham looked at this fluffy white loaf and saw the literal downfall of Western civilization.
00:11:42.799 --> 00:11:43.360
Alright.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:48.080
That's a strange very traumatic.
00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:52.799
White bread, the downfall of Western civilization.
00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:56.639
You're going to hell if you if you eat white bread.
00:11:56.960 --> 00:11:58.159
Wander's out.
00:11:58.320 --> 00:11:59.919
Cracked wheat is in.
00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:05.679
White bread is going to be the reason Jesus comes back.
00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:08.720
And not in a good way.
00:12:10.879 --> 00:12:12.000
Oh man.
00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:14.000
Okay.
00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:19.279
He looked around at modern American life and said, absolutely fucking not.
00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:26.559
Graham came to believe that the entire trajectory of modern civilization was a biological disaster.
00:12:26.799 --> 00:12:39.039
Human beings, he argued, were designed by the creator to live under strict natural laws, and modern luxury was poisoning our physical and moral machinery.
00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:51.440
And to be completely fair to Sylvester, before we get to the parts where he completely flies off the rails, some of his baseline health advice sounds weirdly progressive to modern ears.
00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:54.000
He told people to exercise regularly.
00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:57.279
He told people to open their windows and get fresh air.
00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:08.320
He advocated for daily bathing and brushing your teeth, which in the 1930s, when people treated soap like a decorative novelty and smelled like hot leather, was revolutionary.
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:09.600
We thank you, Mr.
00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:10.799
Graham Crackerman.
00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:11.679
Thank you.
00:13:11.759 --> 00:13:13.679
Yes, yes, the best cracker.
00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:15.840
He demanded adequate sleep.
00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:17.679
He hated tobacco.
00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:20.320
He was a hardcore opponent of alcohol.
00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:23.519
He advocated for a strictly vegetarian diet.
00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:25.759
He warned against overeating.
00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:37.039
And he insisted that people should eat coarse whole wheat flour with all the bran and fiber intact rather than chemically bleached commercial junk.
00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:43.200
So when you first look at his program, you're standing there thinking, okay, great.
00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:50.480
We're walking, we're taking a shower, we're drinking cold water, we're eating some fiber, we're sleeping eight hours.
00:13:50.639 --> 00:13:52.080
I'm with you, Sylvester.
00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:53.679
Sounds reasonable, right?
00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:54.559
Same.
00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:56.399
Yeah, not bad.
00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:04.399
Well, hold on to your hats, because we have several more rooms in this museum, and the lighting gets significantly darker.
00:14:04.639 --> 00:14:11.279
Because Graham did not view whole grains and cold showers as simple lifestyle preferences.
00:14:11.519 --> 00:14:16.080
He viewed them through a rigid, moralistic, psychological lens.
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:26.480
He believed your diet directly governed your nervous system, your moral character, your spiritual purity, and your sexual desires.
00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:32.480
And that is the exact door we are kicking wide open.
00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:43.600
So to understand Graham's panic, you have to realize that 19th century medicine was swimming in bizarre, deeply puritanical ideas about the human nervous system.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:55.519
And the single biggest medical boogeyman of the antebellum era was self-pollution, the 19th century clinical polite term for masturbation.
00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:56.240
Oh no.
00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:00.879
I'm gonna go self-pollute.
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:02.799
I'll be back in a little bit.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:05.679
Sorry, I was in the bathroom for so long.
00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:07.600
I was self-polluting.
00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:10.320
Uh no one will know.
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:11.200
It'll be great.
00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:17.039
And one particularly persistent belief was that masturbation was physically dangerous.
00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:19.039
If you're doing it right, it is.
00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:20.639
Absolutely.
00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:28.080
I don't know about you guys, but I personally have never been sexually assaulted by my vibrator.
00:15:28.480 --> 00:15:31.279
You may be doing it wrong, but uh okay.
00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:38.639
It said it was waterproof, okay?
00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:39.840
Oh no.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:47.519
I guess when you define assault in that way.
00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:53.440
Now, Graham did not invent this panic.
00:15:53.759 --> 00:16:09.039
European medical uh treaties had spent the preceding century aggressively claiming that masturbation depleted your vital life forces, damaged your brain, and caused everything from spinal decay to blindness and madness.
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:19.919
There was zero scientific basis for any of this, obviously, but at the time, prominent physicians treated it as unquestioned medical fact.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:22.960
I feel like that is actually the whole theme for today.
00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:26.559
I heard this guy say it.
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:27.600
Roll with it.
00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:30.559
No scientific basis for any of this.
00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:38.960
So Graham took this pre-existing medical hysteria, looked at the dinner table, and declared, the problem is your groceries.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:47.519
Under Graham's psychological model, the human stomach and the human brain were directly linked through the nervous system.
00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:58.159
If you ate foods that were physically stimulating, you overstimulated your nerves, overheated your blood, and sent your base animal passions into an uncontrollable spiral.
00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:07.279
And what counted as stimulating, you may ask?
00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:10.799
Well, lucky for you, I have a list.
00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:14.559
Meat was massively corrupting according to Graham.
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:20.240
Alcohol and tobacco, coffee and tea was too exciting for your delicate nervous system.
00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:26.960
Strong spices like pepper, mustard, vinegar, cinnamon, pretty much anything with flavor.
00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:29.759
Highly refined sugar and rich desserts.
00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:32.319
Warm, freshly baked bread.
00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:42.559
Graham insisted bread must sit for at least 12 to 24 hours before eating because warm bread was far too soft, doughy, and hedonistic.
00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:45.680
This man has no fucking joy in his life.
00:17:47.359 --> 00:17:54.000
And after listening to this list, um when I say that I'm overstimulated, apparently I'm being very literal.
00:17:54.400 --> 00:18:10.799
Basically, if it tasted good, smelled interesting, or brought even a fleeting microscopic burst of sensory pleasure to your tongue, Sylvester Graham was convinced it was greasing the wheels for a one-way trip to moral degradation.
00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:13.680
You want some garlic sticks, bruh?
00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:18.079
You telling me Graham don't even want no garlic sticks?
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:20.880
Olive garden?
00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:26.000
I just love imagining inviting this man over for dinner.
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:28.799
Like, hey Sylvester, can I get you a cup of coffee?
00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:30.319
Satan's broth?
00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:30.960
No.
00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:33.359
How about a glass of wine?
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:34.319
Poison?
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:36.960
A piece of seasoned roast chicken?
00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:40.960
Are you actively trying to damn my soul to hell?
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:45.680
Sir, I literally asked if you wanted black pepper on your cabbage.
00:18:46.079 --> 00:18:47.519
He does like cabbage.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:49.920
Who doesn't?
00:18:50.160 --> 00:18:52.079
And black pepper comes from a plant.
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:53.519
I know.
00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.960
It's too flavorful and overstimulating.
00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:11.759
Graham was convinced that by stripping away all spices, animal proteins, stimulants, and sweets, you could cool the body's internal furnace, calm the nervous system, and suppress involuntary sexual impulses.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:31.359
In 1834, he published a famous lecture series on a lecture to young men on chastity, warning that sexual stimulation, even within a marriage, should be strictly limited to roughly once a month, and that masturbation would physically disintegrate you.
00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:34.640
His solution was radical blandness.
00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:43.680
Eat unseasoned plants, drink cold water, sleep on a rock hard mattress, take freezing baths, and chew on whole grains.
00:19:43.920 --> 00:19:49.440
Because if your tongue never experiences joy, your genitals won't get any funny ideas.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:50.079
Oh.
00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:56.640
Is this guy by chance like best friends with John Harvey Kellogg?
00:19:56.880 --> 00:19:57.839
By chance?
00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:02.559
Uh no, but I do mention Kellogg.
00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:05.680
I know you guys already covered him, but I I do mention him.
00:20:05.759 --> 00:20:07.519
But it was because of Yeah.
00:20:07.839 --> 00:20:09.599
I feel like they would be homies.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:10.799
Yeah.
00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:11.440
Okay.
00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:18.799
So Graham began brainstorming across the country, giving lectures on his science of human life.
00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:23.519
And people didn't just listen, they formed a cult-like movement.
00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:27.839
His followers were known as Grayumites.
00:20:28.559 --> 00:20:34.400
Which honestly sounds like a colony of wood-boring insects you have to call an exterminator for.
00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:36.000
It really does.
00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:41.519
The food that he was eating very likely tasted like just wood as well, so that fits.
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:44.799
Honey, we have grammonites in the attic.
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:46.559
Jesus Christ, are they bad?
00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:48.240
Call the exterminator.
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:52.400
They threw out the black pepper and they're chewing raw oats in the dark.
00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:58.240
Graham boarding houses popped up in major cities like New York and Boston.
00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:12.400
These were specialized communes and rooming houses where you could live among fellow believers, eat strictly according to Graham's bland vegetarian rules, sleep on hard beds with open windows in winter, and drink cold spring water.
00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:14.480
I'm not making any of this up.
00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:19.119
No, I believe it because he is like a copy-paste version of Mr.
00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:19.920
Kellogg.
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:20.720
It's wild.
00:21:21.039 --> 00:21:31.359
Famous intellectuals and public figures visited or adopted aspects of the diet, including Horace Greeley, the legendary newspaper editor.
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:37.680
Naturally, outside of his devoted disciples, people thought Graham was an absolute crank.
00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:39.920
The press don't say.
00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:43.759
The press roasted him mercilessly.
00:21:44.559 --> 00:21:48.559
A local Massachusetts newspaper formally mocked him as Dr.
00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:51.680
Brand, the philosopher of sawdust pudding.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.039
Verbally back then it was just it was so much better.
00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:12.880
Ralph Waldo Emerson took a swipe at him, calling him the poet of Bran and Pumpkins.
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:13.920
Dude!
00:22:14.720 --> 00:22:16.960
Where did the pumpkins come from?
00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:18.160
What?
00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:20.480
It was the 18th century.
00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:24.079
Like they don't insult people the way we do nowadays.
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:31.759
Why do they just imagine Rolf Ralph Waldo Emerson with like a full grill and like gold chains?
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:33.839
Pull it up Randy Pumpkin.
00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:41.440
Commercial food producers were genuinely pissed off.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:50.480
In 1837, Graham published his landmark work, a treatise on bread and bread making.
00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:54.880
In it, he laid out his entire philosophy.
00:22:55.119 --> 00:23:02.640
Commercial bakers were corrupt cheats poisoning the public with bleached, blotted flour and chemical stabilizers.
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:09.200
And every household should take back control of their bodies by baking dense, coarse whole wheat bread at home.
00:23:09.359 --> 00:23:12.960
The bakers and butchers of Boston took this personally.
00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:27.519
In the spring of 1837, when Graham was scheduled to lecture at the Armory Hall in Boston, a mob composed of angry commercial bakers and local butchers marched on the venue to shut him down.
00:23:28.480 --> 00:23:32.079
The owner of the hall backed out due to threats of violence.
00:23:32.319 --> 00:23:44.559
Graham had to move the lecture to a hotel, and his supporters had to barricade the building and threaten the mob with barrels of slaked lime from the upper windows to prevent a full-blown riot.
00:23:44.880 --> 00:23:45.200
What?
00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:46.960
So let that sink in.
00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:48.640
Can you imagine?
00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:55.599
The man just wanted to talk about his car preferences, and people are trying to break into the building.
00:23:56.480 --> 00:23:57.680
Good lord.
00:23:58.079 --> 00:24:03.839
In 1837, people nearly rioted in the streets of Boston over whole wheat flour.
00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:11.279
Imagine being so aggressively anti-fun that the local butchers and bakers show up to beat your ass with rolling pins.
00:24:12.319 --> 00:24:15.039
That's just Hall of Fame hater energy.
00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:35.119
Whole nother mob.
00:24:37.279 --> 00:24:41.039
Could you imagine if Dave's killer bread was around at this time?
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:49.920
Manufactured by criminals! Even like you defiled the whole grain.
00:24:50.799 --> 00:24:52.960
Except for Dave's hash grain.
00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:54.640
He might have actually liked it.
00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:56.960
I know, but it had other stuff in it too.
00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:02.160
Like, oh well, I guess all that stuff that's inside of it's pretty fucking boring, too.
00:25:02.559 --> 00:25:03.599
Fair enough.
00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:12.160
You know, I never in a million years thought I'd be hanging out with two really good friends laughing this hard at bread manufacturing.
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:14.400
But here we are.
00:25:15.119 --> 00:25:16.720
You're welcome.
00:25:17.440 --> 00:25:20.000
Now let's look at the actual bread.
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:25.920
Graham believed that the wheat berry was created by God in perfect proportions.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:30.160
The bran, the germ, the endosperm.
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:43.519
When you sifted out the bran and germ, what was called blotting the flour, you weren't just making white flour, you were committing an act of spiritual and nutritional arrogance.
00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:54.480
He promoted what became known as gram flour, unbolted, coarsely ground whole wheat flour that retained all the roughage.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:59.759
And the bread made from this flour was not supposed to be a warm pillowy treat.
00:25:59.920 --> 00:26:07.119
It was dense, it was heavy, it required vigorous jaw exhausting mastication.
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:10.799
This was serious, responsible bread.
00:26:11.039 --> 00:26:14.480
Bread that makes you confront your life choices while you chew it.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:23.440
Bread that filed its taxes early, goes to bed at 8 15 PM, and has never once sent an ill-advised text message after midnight.
00:26:24.079 --> 00:26:36.799
From this coarse gram flour and gram bread, early health reformers and commercial bakers began developing dry, hard, holy crackers, what became known as gram crackers.
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:41.039
And this is where our modern misunderstanding begins.
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:50.160
Sylvester Graham didn't stroll down to the United States patent and trademark office with a red cardboard box of honeymaids.
00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:53.119
He didn't invent a trademark snack product.
00:26:53.440 --> 00:27:00.160
He popularized the coarse flour and the physiological philosophy.
00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:14.880
Crackers baked from graham flour became a staple of 19th century health boarding houses and health sanitariums because they were self-stable, high fiber, completely unseasoned, and took forever to chew.
00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:17.359
So that's how they're getting their exercise.
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:19.680
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:27:19.839 --> 00:27:22.400
Chewing a lot counts as exercise?
00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.960
I am a freaking professional athlete at this point.
00:27:27.759 --> 00:27:28.480
Hell yeah.
00:27:28.799 --> 00:27:30.480
When just going to the Olympics.
00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:33.920
I'm going to the motherfucking Olympics, you guys.
00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:37.920
Sponsored by Monjaro.
00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:42.640
I'm also on Monjaro.
00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:46.880
We're the American team, you guys.
00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:48.799
We're going to fuck you hoes.
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:52.000
What are you on the Zempies?
00:27:52.240 --> 00:27:54.480
I have to starve my fucking self.
00:27:55.599 --> 00:27:56.799
Willingly.
00:27:57.119 --> 00:27:59.440
I got some extras if you want some.
00:28:01.519 --> 00:28:03.039
Well, on that note.
00:28:03.599 --> 00:28:04.240
On that note.
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:05.920
We'll talk later.
00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:09.119
Is this what middle-aged drug deals look like?
00:28:09.519 --> 00:28:15.440
We just got that good, good.
00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:16.160
Yeah.
00:28:16.400 --> 00:28:18.720
Fuck that cocaine, you got that Jarro.
00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:21.039
Meet me behind the 7-Eleven.
00:28:21.519 --> 00:28:29.839
You twist it to the unlock position, pull the cap off, place it on body part of choice, and push the button.
00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:31.839
Wait for the click.
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:35.440
We're so cool, you guys.
00:28:37.519 --> 00:28:38.640
Oh, fuck.
00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:47.119
They were functional STEAR rations designed to keep your digestion active and your sinful soul in check.
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:57.279
Now, we have to make a quick detour here because if you've listened to earlier exhibits in the museum, you're probably experiencing severe deja vu right now.
00:28:57.519 --> 00:28:58.799
Yeah, I am.
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:05.200
A religious health reformer, vegetarianism, a deep burning anxiety about masturbation.
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:12.640
A crusade against spices and meat, inventing weird grain foods to save people's souls.
00:29:12.799 --> 00:29:14.480
Haven't we met this guy before?
00:29:14.720 --> 00:29:15.440
We sure have.
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:16.319
Yes.
00:29:16.960 --> 00:29:18.240
Yes, you have.
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:36.559
Because Sylvester Graham laid the ideological groundwork for the entire late 19th century American health food movement, which directly fed into the Seventh-day Adventist health message, the Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan, and the legendary Dr.
00:29:36.720 --> 00:29:38.240
John Harvey Kellogg.
00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:40.559
There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.079
The Kellogg.
00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:43.200
The man, the myth?
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:43.839
The Kalog.
00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:45.519
The legend himself.
00:29:46.559 --> 00:29:48.079
Fucking weirdo.
00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.720
Now, Graham died in 1851, a year before Kellogg was even born.
00:29:54.799 --> 00:30:03.519
So Sylvester was not Kellogg's personal mentor, but Kellogg was swimming in the exact same theological dietary street.
00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:18.160
Kellogg took Graham's ideas about sexual suppression, vegetarianism, and grain-based health foods, shoved them into the late 19th century, and ended up creating early versions of granola, flaked cereals, and fake meats.
00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:19.680
Sad food.
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:25.359
And I'm sorry, um he was born one year after Graham died.
00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:26.079
Yes.
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:31.759
How positive are we that it is not just the reincarnation of Graham?
00:30:32.559 --> 00:30:35.839
You know, you can never be too sure.
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:39.039
That's my new chosen reality.
00:30:39.119 --> 00:30:41.440
You cannot convince me otherwise.
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:56.240
So if you're building a family tree of Puritanical grain crusaders who wanted to police what you do in your bedroom by feeding you cardboard at breakfast, Sylvester Graham is the grandfather.
00:30:56.559 --> 00:30:59.599
John Harvey Kellogg is the eccentric uncle.
00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:05.039
And your box of Morningstar Farms veggie bacon is the distant cousin twice removed.
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:06.079
Oh no.
00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:08.000
Gonna have to throw that out.
00:31:08.319 --> 00:31:12.720
But wait, does a graham cracker actually cure being horny?
00:31:13.119 --> 00:31:14.000
Well, no.
00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:16.880
Obviously and scientifically, no.
00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:23.359
And I need to say that out loud because this exhibit is called Strange Cures and Questionable Remedies.
00:31:23.519 --> 00:31:33.839
And I don't want anyone listening to this episode driving past a grocery store and thinking, fascinating, I'll buy three boxes of honey grams and cancel my Tinder subscription.
00:31:34.079 --> 00:31:35.920
Don't do that.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:40.960
Eating whole wheat fiber does not magically eliminate human libido.
00:31:41.279 --> 00:31:57.200
Graham's underlying 19th-century medical theory that sexual desire is a dangerous neurological overheating sparked by dietary stimulation and that masturbation causes physical decay has been thoroughly discarded by modern medical science.
00:31:57.440 --> 00:32:09.759
If you eat a handful of graham crackers today, the only thing that's going to happen to your body is that you're going to get some carbohydrates, a little bit of dietary fiber, and a bunch of crumbs between your couch cushions.
00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:11.119
That's it.
00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:15.039
Sounds like a good night to me, personally.
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:19.920
So I will still want to masturbate after I eat the graham cracker?
00:32:20.400 --> 00:32:23.680
Oh, you would probably masturbate while eating the graham crackers.
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:25.920
Hell yeah, brother.
00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:28.480
Do you have cameras in my living room?
00:32:30.640 --> 00:32:35.279
And this is the real nuance of the story that often gets lost in the memes.
00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:41.839
On the internet, you'll constantly see the quick punchline graham crackers were invented to stop people from jerking off.
00:32:42.400 --> 00:32:53.279
It's the hilarious headline, it's an insecure it's an incredible sentence, but the cracker itself was never a standalone magical sex suppressing pill.
00:32:53.599 --> 00:33:02.799
Sylvester Graham wasn't standing on street corners tossing biscuits at teenagers like, eat two of these and call me in the morning if you're if you still have an erection.
00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:04.880
No, please really call me.
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:06.240
Let me know about it.
00:33:07.200 --> 00:33:12.400
The remedy was the entire exhausting, all-encompassing lifestyle.
00:33:12.720 --> 00:33:14.319
It was total control.
00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:27.920
Control the ingredients in your pantry, control the temperature of your bathwater, control the firmness of your mattress, control the hours of your sleep, control the speed at which you chew your food.
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:33.519
And through that unrelenting discipline, control your body and your moral destiny.
00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:43.440
The coarse bread was just an ultimate holy symbol of that control, because bread was the absolute foundation of the 19th century diet.
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:51.599
If you could strip the pleasure and the artificiality out of bread, Graham believed you could strip the sin out of human nature.
00:33:51.839 --> 00:33:56.480
And when you step back and look at it, have we really changed at all?
00:33:56.799 --> 00:33:58.319
Not one bit.
00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:11.039
Every single generation produces a new charismatic prophet who stands up and swears on their life that one specific dietary villain is the secret root of all human suffering.
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:17.760
In the 1830s, Sylvester Graham said white flour and pepper were destroying your nervous system and your morality.
00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:23.920
In the 1990s, we were told dietary fat was the absolute biological curse.
00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:45.280
Today, you open TikTok or Instagram and some wellness group guru in a beige linen shirt is staring dead into the camera, telling you that seed oils are ruining your hormones, lectins are punching holes in your gut, and their proprietary green powder will spiritually align your liver.
00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:50.239
The vocabulary updates, the science evolves, the platforms change.
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:53.119
The group chat remains fundamentally the same.
00:34:53.440 --> 00:35:05.760
Human beings have an eternal, insatiable appetite for someone who will look them in the eye and say, I have discovered the exact thing you're eating that is ruining your entire life.
00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:09.679
Every single thing I have ever eaten.
00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:13.599
In my own experience.
00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:16.320
Except graham crackers.
00:35:16.400 --> 00:35:17.440
Those are fine.
00:35:18.320 --> 00:35:21.840
I mean, just before we started recording, I was eating jelly bellies.
00:35:22.559 --> 00:35:25.599
I'm so jealous that I don't have jelly bellies.
00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:26.239
Man.
00:35:27.039 --> 00:35:29.840
We'll have to give you some jelly bellies for next time.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:36.559
Sylvester Graham was just doing it in a wool coat before the invention of the smartphone.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:42.639
And that brings us to the absolute crown jewel of this entire historical tragedy.
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:46.480
What actually happened to Sylvester Graham's legacy?
00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:53.920
Sylvester Graham died in Northampton, Massachusetts, in 1851 at the age of 57.
00:35:54.239 --> 00:35:57.679
So look, all this shit, and he doesn't even live very long.
00:35:58.400 --> 00:36:01.039
I am not surprised.
00:36:01.679 --> 00:36:03.280
Not even a little bit.
00:36:03.519 --> 00:36:05.199
He was probably malnourished.
00:36:05.760 --> 00:36:07.199
He needed more protein.
00:36:08.960 --> 00:36:10.639
And he wasn't having sex.
00:36:12.800 --> 00:36:15.039
His body just gave the fuck up.
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:21.599
On his di on his deathbed, he probably was like, I should have self-polluted more.
00:36:23.760 --> 00:36:26.880
Plot twist, Jesus came down must be like, dude, you fucked up.
00:36:26.960 --> 00:36:27.360
I didn't care.
00:36:27.519 --> 00:36:27.920
I don't care.
00:36:28.159 --> 00:36:29.199
Anyway, come on.
00:36:31.920 --> 00:36:34.079
I'll give two fucks, but come on up.
00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:35.440
You tried.
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:45.440
His specific Graymanite movement eventually fractured and faded, but the name Graham was too recognizable to die.
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:51.519
Commercial bakeries took the idea of the Graham Cracker and immediately began tinkering with it.
00:36:51.760 --> 00:36:56.559
Over the late 19th and early 20th centuries, factory production took over.
00:36:56.800 --> 00:37:08.320
In 1898, the newly formed National Biscuit Company, which you know today as Nabisco began mass producing commercial graham crackers.
00:37:08.559 --> 00:37:13.519
And what did they do with Sylvester's austere, unrefined, joyless health biscuit?
00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:16.880
They added sugar and molasses and honey.
00:37:18.159 --> 00:37:20.880
They added shortening and refined white flour.
00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:22.639
They added joy.
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:26.239
They literally added good stuff to it.
00:37:26.480 --> 00:37:28.880
Do you think they did that a little bit on purpose?
00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:31.920
Kind of like a fuck you, since they all hated him to begin with.
00:37:36.880 --> 00:37:37.840
Maybe.
00:37:38.079 --> 00:37:40.320
If I would have been alive back then, that's what I would do.
00:37:40.559 --> 00:37:40.719
Yeah.
00:37:40.960 --> 00:37:41.840
I'm a petty bitch.
00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:43.199
Yeah.
00:37:44.320 --> 00:37:56.159
In 1925, Nabisco launched Honeymade, officially turning the Reverend's antisensual health cracker into a sweet, golden, commercially mass-produced cookie.
00:37:56.400 --> 00:37:59.679
And then came the final devastating blow.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:07.119
Throughout the 1920s, American campers and Girl Scout troops were experimenting with campfire treats.
00:38:07.760 --> 00:38:16.880
In 1927, Girl Scout Guidebook, Tramping and Trailing in the Girl Scouts leader Loretta Scott Crew.
00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:25.920
Loretta Scott crew published what is widely recognized as the first official named recipe for a campfire treat called Some More.
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:37.039
The recipe called for 16 graham crackers, eight bars of plain chocolate, 16 marshmallows, toasted over open coals until molten and charred.
00:38:37.440 --> 00:38:57.519
You take Sylvester Graham's holy wheat temperance biscuit, you lay a thick slab of industrial milk chocolate on top of it, you spear a ball of processed gelatinized corn syrup, set it on literal fire, slap it on top of the chocolate until it melts into a sugary lava, and you clamp it down with another gram cracker.
00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:04.719
We turned this anti-stimulation purity cracker into a chocolate melting campfire vice sandwich.
00:39:04.960 --> 00:39:22.079
Fuck the patriarchy! Imagine dedicating your entire physical existence to preaching that sensory that sensory pleasure is a biological trap designed to plague humanity into sexual degeneracy.
00:39:22.400 --> 00:39:34.400
And a century later, millions of children and stoners across the globe are using your namesake flower to transport melted Hershey bars into their faces under the stars.
00:39:34.880 --> 00:39:39.840
Sylvester Graham tried to give America eternal moral purity through whole grains.
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:43.360
America said, thanks for the structural integrity, Reverend.
00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:45.360
Now pass the marshmallows.
00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:51.119
And that is why Sylvester Graham earned his spot in the auditorium today.
00:39:51.360 --> 00:39:57.599
Because the history is always so much weirder, funnier, and more human than the sound bites.
00:39:58.000 --> 00:39:59.840
Graham wasn't just a meme.
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:09.280
He was a deeply earnest, intensively neurotic antebellum reformer who tapped into the anxieties of a rapidly changing America.
00:40:09.760 --> 00:40:16.000
He wanted a world of simple food, clean water, quiet nerves, and absolute self-restraint.
00:40:16.159 --> 00:40:20.000
He gave us whole wheat flour and a reminder to take a bath.
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:22.800
And we gave him the s'more.
00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:34.000
I don't know if Sylvester Graham's diet saved a single soul from moral ruin, but nearly two centuries later, his cracker is holding together the greatest camping dessert in human history.
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:39.760
And honestly, I think that's the best questionable remedy we could have ever asked for.
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:40.880
That's valid.
00:40:41.119 --> 00:40:42.079
Very valid.
00:40:42.239 --> 00:40:49.519
And it's so funny to me because he was so spot on on a lot of his, you know, get fresh air, get good sleep, remember to bathe.
00:40:49.599 --> 00:40:51.119
Those are all core concepts.
00:40:51.199 --> 00:40:56.880
And then he's like, white flower will damn you to an eternity in hell.
00:40:57.039 --> 00:40:59.599
Like it's Don't touch your peepees.
00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:01.920
Don't touch your peepees.
00:41:03.280 --> 00:41:05.280
The Lord is watching.
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:07.280
Uh always.
00:41:07.440 --> 00:41:10.480
Probably lit laughing a little bit, I imagine.
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:13.840
How dare you put black pepper on that salad.
00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:18.880
I'm really glad that you were able to uh tie those two things in together for me.
00:41:19.119 --> 00:41:22.400
Cause I was like, I swear to god these motherfuckers be BFFs.
00:41:23.519 --> 00:41:29.599
But now I realize they couldn't be BFFs, and that one of them just really liked the other one.
00:41:30.239 --> 00:41:35.519
I'm fairly positive Kellogg is just a reincarnation of Graham after hearing that.
00:41:35.920 --> 00:41:39.679
I fail to see any wrong with that.
00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:40.400
Yeah.
00:41:40.559 --> 00:41:41.199
No lies.
00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:42.079
Detect it.
00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:53.840
If there's anybody out there listening that uh happens to have a, you know, 23andMe and then your family tree, John Harvey Kellogg is just in there somewhere.
00:41:54.000 --> 00:42:01.760
Could you keep digging and see if maybe somehow the two are actually related and and you know, let us know.
00:42:02.239 --> 00:42:02.880
Yeah.
00:42:03.199 --> 00:42:04.800
We'll bring him on as a guest.
00:42:05.119 --> 00:42:09.280
Be like, so do you ever feel the urge?
00:42:11.679 --> 00:42:14.800
Or when you do feel the urge, do you eat a graham cracker?
00:42:16.719 --> 00:42:20.639
Is your blood fiber content passed down by generation?
00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:21.519
How do you poop?
00:42:21.599 --> 00:42:22.159
How are you pooping?
00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:23.440
Are you pooping though?
00:42:23.679 --> 00:42:24.719
Is it regular?
00:42:25.280 --> 00:42:27.679
Three times a day, once a day, what's going on?
00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:31.280
Do you prefer your bread with or without the jam?
00:42:31.920 --> 00:42:34.800
Oh well, that was very nicely done.
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:36.400
Thank you for your contribution.
00:42:36.719 --> 00:42:37.039
Thank you.
00:42:37.440 --> 00:42:37.760
Thank you.
00:42:37.840 --> 00:42:39.039
I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.
00:42:39.280 --> 00:42:40.239
Miss Lindsay?
00:42:40.559 --> 00:42:46.320
Oh, well, we Similar vibe, completely different font.
00:42:46.480 --> 00:42:49.760
We are just gonna We're just gonna go.
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:55.360
So today, I would like to introduce you to Wilhelm Reich.
00:42:55.760 --> 00:42:59.280
And I'm going to tell you one thing about him before anything else.
00:42:59.519 --> 00:43:03.280
Unfortunately, this man had legitimate credentials.
00:43:03.519 --> 00:43:06.239
Willem Reich was an actual physician.
00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:08.079
Oh God, here we go.
00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:22.880
He studied medicine at the University of Vienna, earned his medical degree in 1922, and while he was still a student, got involved with a little intellectual movement called psychoanalysis.
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:26.639
You may be familiar with its founder, Sigmund Freud.
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:34.320
You know, the man who looked at virtually every human problem and said, Okay, but have we considered fucking your mother?
00:43:34.639 --> 00:43:36.719
You mean that's not the guy with the tigers?
00:43:39.760 --> 00:43:40.559
Close.
00:43:40.960 --> 00:43:41.440
Close.
00:43:41.679 --> 00:43:42.639
Very close.
00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:45.679
Kidding, I know who he is.
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:48.559
Here's the thing.
00:43:48.800 --> 00:43:52.159
Reich didn't just read Freud, he was in the room.
00:43:52.320 --> 00:43:59.760
He was admitted to the Vienna Psychoanalytic Association in the 1920s, before he'd even finished medical school.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:08.400
And went on to practice psychoanalysis, teach therapeutic technique, and become one of the movement's prominent young analysists.
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:10.400
Analysists?
00:44:10.639 --> 00:44:10.880
Yeah.
00:44:11.119 --> 00:44:11.760
Analysts.
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:12.400
Analysts.
00:44:13.039 --> 00:44:13.440
Analysis.
00:44:13.920 --> 00:44:20.800
I would just like to point out that I wanted to say analcists, but I at least did a little better than that.
00:44:21.039 --> 00:44:23.519
You gotta be careful what you say on there, Lindsay.
00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:27.039
You know, I will publish it.
00:44:28.639 --> 00:44:30.320
Kids with ass cancer.
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:33.119
Kids with ass cancer.
00:44:33.280 --> 00:44:35.119
That's my favorite card.
00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:37.679
Well, hold on to that thought.
00:44:37.920 --> 00:44:38.480
Uh-oh.
00:44:39.280 --> 00:44:39.760
So no.
00:44:40.639 --> 00:44:42.320
We're just gonna keep that in mind.
00:44:42.639 --> 00:44:50.800
Fairly soon, I'm going to tell you that Wilhelm Reich built a human-sized box for absorbing invisible sexual life energy.
00:44:51.199 --> 00:44:54.719
We're not starting with the guy selling crystals behind a vape shop.
00:44:54.960 --> 00:44:58.159
Other doctors were taking notes when this man spoke.
00:44:58.320 --> 00:45:01.679
And Reich became particularly interested in one problem.
00:45:02.239 --> 00:45:04.239
Sex, obviously.
00:45:04.639 --> 00:45:12.400
He started seeing sexuality not merely as one interesting part of psychology, but as something central to mental health.
00:45:12.639 --> 00:45:25.840
And eventually he develops a theory that could be summarized extremely unfairly, but also not entirely inaccurately, as some of you are mentally ill because you're not orgasming correctly.
00:45:26.639 --> 00:45:27.280
Amen.
00:45:28.079 --> 00:45:28.719
Amen.
00:45:31.440 --> 00:45:34.239
Where was this when the graham cracker guy was around?
00:45:34.320 --> 00:45:36.400
He he needs to talk to this guy.
00:45:36.719 --> 00:45:41.119
Yeah, we're just gonna we're we're going complete polar opposite here, I believe.
00:45:41.280 --> 00:45:43.920
I'm gonna say it's like opposite sides of the spectrum.
00:45:44.159 --> 00:45:48.239
As I was listening to Tara, I was like, this is very intriguing.
00:45:52.079 --> 00:45:56.320
And Wilhelm was not just uh concerned with having orgasms.
00:45:56.480 --> 00:45:58.639
Oh no, he had standards.
00:45:58.960 --> 00:46:15.760
He believed there was a specific, healthy kind of complete orgasmic release, something he called orgastic potency, and that the body's ability to fully surrender and discharge sexual tension was a fundamental sign of psychological health.
00:46:16.239 --> 00:46:18.239
Sorry, I hit you in the eye.
00:46:19.840 --> 00:46:22.159
My orgastic potencies.
00:46:22.719 --> 00:46:25.280
I happened to eat red meat right before.
00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:28.320
I was very overstimulated.
00:46:28.719 --> 00:46:30.960
You guys are just spitting bars at me.
00:46:31.199 --> 00:46:33.840
That sounds like a guy who likes some black pepper.
00:46:37.519 --> 00:46:39.920
So there is an obvious question.
00:46:40.239 --> 00:46:49.920
If this orgasmic release is pivotal to psychological health, what exactly did Wilhelm Reich think is being discharged?
00:46:50.079 --> 00:46:55.199
And unfortunately for all of us, he done went and looked for it.
00:46:56.000 --> 00:46:58.800
So I love an ambitious man.
00:47:00.559 --> 00:47:02.639
I mean, I can't blame the guy.
00:47:02.719 --> 00:47:05.840
I too have been on a never-ending hunt for orgasm.
00:47:06.000 --> 00:47:08.159
The perfect one, as a matter of fact.
00:47:08.480 --> 00:47:15.840
Is it just me or is anybody else picturing this guy like putting on his galoshes and like grabbing his binoculars?
00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:21.599
I imagined him putting on rubber gloves and some eye protection.
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:24.400
We're going we're going on an adventure.
00:47:25.119 --> 00:47:26.800
Don't touch that black light.
00:47:26.960 --> 00:47:28.000
Come with me.
00:47:30.079 --> 00:47:35.760
So Willem Reich would like to discuss your orgasm.
00:47:36.079 --> 00:47:40.320
Not whether you're having one, not whether you're enjoying yourself.
00:47:40.639 --> 00:47:43.199
No, like I said, Willem has notes.
00:47:43.679 --> 00:47:50.400
Because in Reich's theory, simply reaching climax did not necessarily mean that your body had done the job correctly.
00:47:50.719 --> 00:47:54.639
He developed a concept he called orgastic potency.
00:47:55.119 --> 00:48:01.039
And despite sounding like the name of a supplement sold at a gas station, it had a very specific meaning.
00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:16.079
Reich believed a healthy orgasm required a person to fully surrender to the experience and completely discharge accumulated sexual excitation through involuntary, pleasurable contractions of the body.
00:48:16.400 --> 00:48:22.159
In other words, you could technically have an orgasm and Willem Reich could still mark it as incomplete.
00:48:22.400 --> 00:48:24.000
It's getting really hot in here.
00:48:25.039 --> 00:48:26.239
Get the fan.
00:48:26.480 --> 00:48:28.239
It's buckle up.
00:48:28.639 --> 00:48:31.039
Anyone else have an erection or just me?
00:48:31.360 --> 00:48:32.239
Where's my iPad?
00:48:32.400 --> 00:48:34.159
I need to charge it real quick.
00:48:38.000 --> 00:48:40.159
I don't have a penis to erect.
00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:41.840
Ladywood.
00:48:42.079 --> 00:48:43.119
I get it all the time.
00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:44.800
Fuck, I'm getting it right now.
00:48:45.039 --> 00:48:46.719
Ah, you're welcome.
00:48:47.840 --> 00:48:48.719
Thanks.
00:48:49.039 --> 00:48:52.000
So just imagine that you're told by your therapist.
00:48:52.239 --> 00:48:53.440
Yeah, yeah, you came.
00:48:53.599 --> 00:48:55.679
But did you come correctly?
00:48:56.159 --> 00:49:00.079
Reich eventually reduced the whole process to a four step formula.
00:49:00.400 --> 00:49:04.239
Tension, charge, discharge, relaxation.
00:49:04.719 --> 00:49:07.199
It's the world's horniest flow chart.
00:49:07.440 --> 00:49:10.639
Yeah, it's like every fucking Tuesday night.
00:49:10.960 --> 00:49:11.920
Let's go.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:13.360
Let's go.
00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:20.320
So the basic idea was that sexual excitation builds physical tension.
00:49:20.559 --> 00:49:24.639
That tension corresponds with an increasing biological charge.
00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:29.599
Orgasm releases the charge through involuntary muscular contractions.
00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:31.840
Then the body relaxes.
00:49:32.159 --> 00:49:35.920
And Reich didn't think that this was just a neat description of sex.
00:49:36.239 --> 00:49:41.119
He thought this cycle was fundamental to healthy biological functioning.
00:49:41.440 --> 00:49:50.880
He believed that if the body couldn't complete that full discharge, all that energy stayed stuck, it accumulated, it stagnated.
00:49:51.119 --> 00:49:58.559
And according to Reich, that could contribute to neurosis, anxiety, emotional dysfunction, and even physical problems.
00:49:58.960 --> 00:50:00.880
So that's what's wrong with me.
00:50:04.320 --> 00:50:05.280
We need to take a break.
00:50:05.519 --> 00:50:08.000
So you can discharge appropriately.
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:11.840
Just make sure you do it correctly.
00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:14.639
Yeah, you better come correct, bitch.
00:50:14.960 --> 00:50:18.400
Well, I feel like after reading this, I'm gonna know exactly how to do so.
00:50:19.199 --> 00:50:21.039
Pun intended.
00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:36.960
So yeah, uh a major part of Wilhelm Reich's medical theory can essentially be summarized as some of you have emotional baggage because you are backed up with unfinished orgasm energy.
00:50:37.760 --> 00:50:40.239
And this is where character armor comes back in.
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:46.880
Reich had noticed that people didn't just defend themselves emotionally, they seemed to defend themselves physically.
00:50:47.199 --> 00:50:57.760
Tight jaw, rigid shoulders, restricted breathing, a stiff abdomen, pelvic tension, the whole body could become involved in holding itself back.
00:50:58.079 --> 00:51:01.360
He called these habitual defenses armor.
00:51:01.519 --> 00:51:05.440
And to Reich, that armor wasn't just a psychological metaphor.
00:51:05.679 --> 00:51:12.320
It physically interfered with the body's ability to surrender, which meant that it interfered with the big O.
00:51:13.119 --> 00:51:16.719
Which meant it interfered with the discharge.
00:51:17.039 --> 00:51:23.199
Which meant, according to Wilholm, now the whole goddamn energy economy is fucked.
00:51:23.519 --> 00:51:34.960
Reich's therapy increasingly focused on breaking through these patterns of muscular and emotional rigidity so the body could regain what he believed was its natural capacity for full release.
00:51:35.199 --> 00:51:40.320
And honestly, this is where his story gets dangerous in the most fascinating way.
00:51:40.719 --> 00:51:43.519
Because some of this sounds very recognizable.
00:51:43.760 --> 00:51:46.400
Stress can absolutely affect muscle tension.
00:51:46.559 --> 00:51:48.719
Anxiety can change your breathing.
00:51:48.960 --> 00:51:51.360
Emotional distress can show up physically.
00:51:51.519 --> 00:51:55.199
Sexual dysfunction can absolutely intersect with mental health.
00:51:55.440 --> 00:51:58.559
None of that requires cosmic fuck radiation.
00:51:59.039 --> 00:51:59.679
What?
00:52:00.719 --> 00:52:02.400
Well does it?
00:52:02.639 --> 00:52:04.719
I'm I'm using that.
00:52:05.599 --> 00:52:08.719
I'm using cosmic fuck radiation.
00:52:09.280 --> 00:52:10.559
That is gold.
00:52:13.280 --> 00:52:16.239
And none of it requires fuck cosmic fuck radiation.
00:52:16.320 --> 00:52:17.360
This is a good point.
00:52:18.000 --> 00:52:23.199
But Reich starts acting Reich starts asking a different question.
00:52:23.440 --> 00:52:33.440
If this release feels physical, if the body builds tension, if the body discharges something, what exactly is being discharged?
00:52:33.920 --> 00:52:37.679
And he decides maybe it's not just metaphorical.
00:52:37.920 --> 00:52:41.599
Maybe libido isn't simply a psychological concept.
00:52:41.840 --> 00:52:45.920
Maybe there's an actual biological energy moving through the body.
00:52:46.320 --> 00:52:47.360
Well, I'm confused.
00:52:47.440 --> 00:52:52.000
Is he thinking the like a discharge like he doesn't know that cum comes out?
00:52:52.159 --> 00:52:55.119
Or is it like discharging like energy?
00:52:55.519 --> 00:53:02.239
It is the orgasmic energy itself, not physical ejaculate.
00:53:02.639 --> 00:53:05.199
I'm just thinking like caveman, got it.
00:53:07.840 --> 00:53:09.199
You just be it's alright.
00:53:09.920 --> 00:53:11.360
Big concept for Elmo.
00:53:14.320 --> 00:53:15.599
Energy is what the fuck?
00:53:15.679 --> 00:53:17.760
How do you bukaki an energy?
00:53:18.880 --> 00:53:20.400
Yeah, pretty much.
00:53:21.280 --> 00:53:24.480
I want to circle jerk my energy all over you.
00:53:25.440 --> 00:53:28.960
Maybe libido isn't simply a psychological concept.
00:53:29.119 --> 00:53:33.840
Maybe there's an actual biological energy moving through the body.
00:53:34.079 --> 00:53:41.760
Something measurable, something physical, something that builds during excitation and gets released during orgasm.
00:53:42.000 --> 00:53:46.559
And once Willem Reich asks that question, we're fucked.
00:53:46.800 --> 00:53:48.719
Because now he wants to measure it.
00:53:49.039 --> 00:53:50.079
How much come?
00:53:53.360 --> 00:53:55.679
I always want to know how he's gonna measure it.
00:53:55.760 --> 00:53:59.840
Like you know, is it like the long jump, like how far it goes?
00:54:02.719 --> 00:54:05.679
Is he measuring volume or distance?
00:54:07.360 --> 00:54:08.400
Altitude?
00:54:08.719 --> 00:54:09.519
Pressure.
00:54:09.920 --> 00:54:13.119
As a mental picture creator, this is fun.
00:54:14.639 --> 00:54:18.880
Ten points if it gets in her hair, twenty points if it gets in her eye.
00:54:20.719 --> 00:54:23.119
If she manages to get pregnant, you're fucked.
00:54:23.199 --> 00:54:23.599
Run away.
00:54:23.760 --> 00:54:24.480
No points.
00:54:25.920 --> 00:54:35.760
So in the mid-1930s, he began experiments looking at electrical changes at the skin during pleasure, anxiety, and sexual excitation.
00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:48.800
He published work specifically describing orgasm as an electrophysiological discharge and tried to test his tension charge, discharge, relaxation formula experimentally.
00:54:49.360 --> 00:54:52.320
Did I say all those words?
00:54:53.440 --> 00:54:54.800
I have feelings.
00:54:55.599 --> 00:55:02.480
Gavin, you're the only one with a penis, so we need you to, you know, like mythbusters this shit for us.
00:55:03.119 --> 00:55:03.519
Yeah.
00:55:03.679 --> 00:55:04.079
Yeah.
00:55:04.239 --> 00:55:09.199
You're the only one with an attached appendage that can give us details.
00:55:09.519 --> 00:55:15.679
Do you guys by chance have like one of those uh car battery things that you know you plug into your battery and then into your wall to charge it?
00:55:15.840 --> 00:55:16.079
Yeah.
00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:17.360
Sweet, bring it over.
00:55:17.519 --> 00:55:18.719
That's the only way I can get off.
00:55:19.039 --> 00:55:20.400
We used to live together.
00:55:20.639 --> 00:55:21.760
That's not true.
00:55:23.760 --> 00:55:26.719
Get this man a graham cracker immediately.
00:55:27.360 --> 00:55:28.239
The fuck.
00:55:30.239 --> 00:55:34.079
Alright, so this is the moment where the theory changes genres.
00:55:34.320 --> 00:55:40.639
We started with maybe your emotional defenses are physically affecting your body, which is reasonable enough.
00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:45.360
Then maybe those defenses interfere with healthy sexual release.
00:55:45.679 --> 00:55:46.559
Alright.
00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:53.039
Then maybe sexual excitation involves measurable electrical activity.
00:55:53.440 --> 00:55:54.400
Sure, why not?
00:55:54.559 --> 00:55:56.480
Bodies do electrical things.
00:55:56.719 --> 00:56:05.760
And then Wilhelm takes one more tiny little step and goes Perhaps I have discovered the actual energy of life.
00:56:06.159 --> 00:56:09.199
Life force Life force.
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:15.679
And that is how we leave therapy, and we start building the fuck box.
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:19.679
Uh is is the box physical?
00:56:20.079 --> 00:56:21.280
Metaphysical?
00:56:21.679 --> 00:56:22.800
Metaphorical?
00:56:23.119 --> 00:56:26.880
Buckle up, buttercup, you're gonna find out all about it.
00:56:27.280 --> 00:56:28.239
Oh no.
00:56:29.440 --> 00:56:32.079
Does this fuck box have a purdy mouth?
00:56:35.280 --> 00:56:38.239
How many RPMs does she have?
00:56:38.960 --> 00:56:40.880
Will she call you daddy?
00:56:41.840 --> 00:56:42.559
She better.
00:56:43.119 --> 00:56:44.559
Ooh poppy, ooh poppy.
00:56:45.360 --> 00:56:46.880
Ooh, I poppy.
00:56:48.400 --> 00:56:51.039
Oh, you guys are gonna be a little disappointed, but that's fine.
00:56:51.119 --> 00:56:52.000
Well let's go.
00:56:53.280 --> 00:57:02.320
So, Willem Reich has now decided that there's some kind of actual biological energy involved in sexual excitation and orgasm.
00:57:02.639 --> 00:57:06.480
Naturally, the next step is find the horny.
00:57:06.960 --> 00:57:10.000
And this is where Reich starts doing experiments.
00:57:10.639 --> 00:57:15.760
Electrical measurements, microscopes, biological samples.
00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:24.079
He becomes increasingly convinced that he isn't merely observing ordinary electricity or describing libido with fancy language.
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:28.880
He thinks that there is a specific biological energy here.
00:57:29.440 --> 00:57:36.480
During experiments in Norway, Reich begins studying tiny microscopic vesicles he calls bions.
00:57:37.440 --> 00:57:40.719
We are not going to go down the bion rabbit hole.
00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:42.719
There are no snacks down there.
00:57:43.039 --> 00:57:43.920
Are you sure?
00:57:44.480 --> 00:57:46.079
There could be gram crackers.
00:57:46.159 --> 00:57:46.880
Probably not.
00:57:47.119 --> 00:57:48.800
Go down that rabbit hole on your own.
00:57:48.880 --> 00:57:50.400
We need to stay focused.
00:57:50.800 --> 00:57:52.480
I'll bring snacks.
00:57:54.880 --> 00:57:55.920
I'll bring the lube.
00:57:57.360 --> 00:58:00.639
I'll bring me the battery charger.
00:58:04.719 --> 00:58:06.400
Actually, this sounds like a good time.
00:58:06.480 --> 00:58:07.360
We should just do that.
00:58:07.679 --> 00:58:09.360
No less than 12 volts, please.
00:58:10.079 --> 00:58:12.159
Jesus Sunday.
00:58:14.000 --> 00:58:17.199
I'm half off on Sunday, so that's a hell of a deal.
00:58:17.840 --> 00:58:27.920
So basically, all we need to know is that Reich believes some of these little structures gave off a strange form of radiation that didn't behave like any energy he already knew about.
00:58:28.079 --> 00:58:37.599
And instead of concluding, perhaps I don't understand what I'm looking at, Willem Reich concludes, New energy just dropped.
00:58:37.840 --> 00:58:40.559
And he calls it Orgon.
00:58:41.920 --> 00:58:45.440
And importantly, this name was not random as it sounds.
00:58:45.760 --> 00:58:52.480
Reich coined Orgon specifically out of the work he'd been doing on orgasm and biological energy.
00:58:52.639 --> 00:58:58.000
His own research archive traces the concept directly back to that orgasm research.
00:58:58.239 --> 00:59:05.760
So yes, our invisible cosmic life force is literally descended from are you coming hard enough?
00:59:06.079 --> 00:59:07.039
Beautiful.
00:59:07.360 --> 00:59:08.159
No notes.
00:59:08.480 --> 00:59:10.239
Elmo understands this one.
00:59:11.519 --> 00:59:13.039
Elmo needs to go to bed.
00:59:13.280 --> 00:59:14.639
Elmo is six years old.
00:59:14.880 --> 00:59:16.800
This is completely inappropriate.
00:59:17.920 --> 00:59:21.920
And Orgon gets big very quickly.
00:59:22.159 --> 00:59:26.079
And first we're talking about biological energy inside living things.
00:59:26.320 --> 00:59:30.079
Then Reich decides it isn't just inside living things.
00:59:30.320 --> 00:59:33.039
It's in the environment, in the atmosphere.
00:59:33.199 --> 00:59:34.800
It's basically everywhere.
00:59:35.119 --> 00:59:40.880
Reich now believes that he has discovered a universal life energy underlying biological functioning.
00:59:41.199 --> 00:59:47.760
Science, for the record, did not independently establish organ as a physical form of energy.
00:59:48.079 --> 00:59:51.679
But Wilhelm Wilhelm is all in.
00:59:52.559 --> 01:00:09.840
And this creates a very interesting problem, because if organ is actual physical energy, and your health depends on the proper functioning of that energy, and organ exists all around us, then theoretically, could you collect it?
01:00:10.239 --> 01:00:23.280
Could you take the invisible life force that Reich believed was involved in sex, orgasm, health, and biological functioning, concentrate it all in one place, and maybe put a sick person inside of it?
01:00:23.920 --> 01:00:25.599
You know where we're going.
01:00:26.639 --> 01:00:29.760
William starts experimenting with materials.
01:00:31.360 --> 01:00:38.719
And he comes to believe that organic material absorbs organ while metal attracts it and then reflects it.
01:00:39.039 --> 01:00:40.800
So he starts laying them.
01:00:41.119 --> 01:00:45.360
Organic material, metal, organic material, metal.
01:00:45.760 --> 01:00:55.360
Build enough alternating layers around an enclosed space, Reich believed an atmospheric organ would become increasingly concentrated inside.
01:00:56.239 --> 01:01:13.440
Which means that after beginning his career as a physician, studying Freud, developing theories about neuroses, and determining that some of us are medically terrible at orgasms, Willem Reich finally arrives at his greatest contribution to questionable medicine.
01:01:13.679 --> 01:01:21.199
A chair inside a layered metal cabinet where sick people can sit and marinate in concentrated cosmic sex energy.
01:01:21.599 --> 01:01:24.559
Ladies and gentlemen, the fuck box.
01:01:26.079 --> 01:01:27.920
Sounds a lot like the iron lung.
01:01:28.159 --> 01:01:32.320
I'd imagined a lot of things, but none of none of it was what you just said.
01:01:32.719 --> 01:01:33.519
Yeah, no.
01:01:33.760 --> 01:01:41.760
I was anticipating a few more moving parts if I do say so myself, but take it or leave it.
01:01:42.159 --> 01:01:44.559
I kind of thought he made a jack in the box.
01:01:45.039 --> 01:01:50.639
Same, uh, at first I was a little like I said, a little disappointed, but it is fascinating still.
01:01:50.880 --> 01:01:54.159
And I do need to correct something before this gets wildly out of hand.
01:01:54.559 --> 01:01:55.360
Too late.
01:01:55.679 --> 01:01:56.480
Too late.
01:01:58.320 --> 01:02:03.760
Despite everything we've discussed so far, yeah, you don't fuck in the box at all.
01:02:04.000 --> 01:02:04.639
I know.
01:02:04.880 --> 01:02:09.440
The Oregon Energy Accumulator was not designed to make you orgasm.
01:02:09.599 --> 01:02:11.280
It was not a masturbation booth.
01:02:11.599 --> 01:02:17.360
There were no attachments, no vibration settings, and no one was handing you a towel afterward.
01:02:17.760 --> 01:02:18.800
I'm going home.
01:02:19.039 --> 01:02:21.119
Which is just fucking rude.
01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:24.000
Man, this just got as boring as a graham cracker.
01:02:25.039 --> 01:02:26.480
Somebody call me an Uber.
01:02:26.639 --> 01:02:28.639
Did I just graham cracker the episode?
01:02:28.719 --> 01:02:30.159
I'm sorry, guys.
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:37.519
No, because this this technically was supposed to be a medical device, which, if you think about it, is somehow weirder.
01:02:37.760 --> 01:02:42.719
The basic accumulator looked like a little cabinet big enough for one person to sit inside.
01:02:42.880 --> 01:02:50.000
There was a chair, there was a door, and the walls were built from alternating layers of organic and metallic material.
01:02:50.239 --> 01:02:56.960
Reich believed things like cotton, wool, and wood and certain plastics would absorb and hold organ energy.
01:02:57.199 --> 01:03:01.360
Metal, meanwhile, would attract that energy and rapidly reflect it.
01:03:01.679 --> 01:03:05.840
So he layered them together, with the metal towards the inside.
01:03:06.000 --> 01:03:12.800
And according to Reich, the surrounding atmospheric organ would gradually become concentrated inside the enclosure.
01:03:13.039 --> 01:03:16.320
The more layers you added, the stronger the accumulator.
01:03:16.559 --> 01:03:19.840
So essentially, lasagna, but like medical.
01:03:20.079 --> 01:03:23.039
And instead of cheese, steel won't.
01:03:23.840 --> 01:03:28.559
Hey bro, you wanna you wanna have my mind blowing orgasm, bro?
01:03:28.960 --> 01:03:30.239
Come sit in my box.
01:03:30.800 --> 01:03:32.239
But don't drink off in there, bro.
01:03:32.639 --> 01:03:34.079
You gotta wait till after.
01:03:34.880 --> 01:03:36.079
Oh, what are you doing there?
01:03:36.239 --> 01:03:37.440
Oh, you're just sitting there, man.
01:03:37.519 --> 01:03:38.480
Just sitting there.
01:03:39.119 --> 01:03:43.039
You're absorbing the orgasm's energies.
01:03:43.920 --> 01:03:46.159
You don't even have to touch your dick.
01:03:47.440 --> 01:03:49.280
We prefer it that you don't.
01:03:50.639 --> 01:03:52.960
Now just imagine that you're the patient, though.
01:03:53.119 --> 01:03:59.599
You open the door, you sit in the chair, you close the door, and then literally nothing happens.
01:03:59.760 --> 01:04:06.880
There's no electricity, no flashing lights, no bleep bloop bleep bloop, no magic orgasm button for on demand.
01:04:07.119 --> 01:04:11.599
You just sit there inside the box, marinating.
01:04:12.639 --> 01:04:22.000
The theory was that your body was now surrounded by a higher concentration of organ energy, which could then interact with your own biological energy system.
01:04:22.400 --> 01:04:23.920
And this was the treatment.
01:04:24.159 --> 01:04:26.639
You, chair, box, universe, go.
01:04:26.960 --> 01:04:27.360
Skeet.
01:04:27.599 --> 01:04:29.840
Oh, skeet, skeet, motherfucker.
01:04:30.639 --> 01:04:33.599
Medicine had recently developed antibiotics.
01:04:33.760 --> 01:04:38.000
Willem Reich developed, have you tried sitting in the closet?
01:04:38.320 --> 01:04:40.000
Well, Gavin, have you?
01:04:40.320 --> 01:04:40.960
Yeah.
01:04:41.440 --> 01:04:43.440
I was in there for a while.
01:04:46.320 --> 01:04:48.480
Did in fact make me horny.
01:04:49.360 --> 01:04:50.960
From the windows.
01:04:52.400 --> 01:04:57.599
From the windows to the wall, to the cosmic fuck energy drifts down my balls.
01:05:00.320 --> 01:05:05.280
We could just end this here because Gavin did confirm he sat in the closet it did make him horny.
01:05:05.440 --> 01:05:08.400
That's all the evidence I need, really, personally.
01:05:08.800 --> 01:05:10.320
It's very scientific.
01:05:12.159 --> 01:05:14.159
But we we need to remember how we got here.
01:05:14.400 --> 01:05:20.800
Reich believed healthy biological functioning depended on the body's ability to regulate this specific energy.
01:05:21.119 --> 01:05:23.760
We needed the sexual excitation to build it up.
01:05:24.000 --> 01:05:30.559
The healthy orgasm discharged it, but now he believed organ wasn't merely something produced inside of you.
01:05:31.039 --> 01:05:32.960
It existed everywhere.
01:05:33.280 --> 01:05:36.800
So the accumulator gave him an entirely new possibility.
01:05:37.039 --> 01:05:49.679
If someone's biological energy system wasn't functioning properly, maybe you didn't only have to fix the orgasm, maybe you could give the entire organism more argon.
01:05:50.079 --> 01:05:51.360
More orgasm.
01:05:51.679 --> 01:05:53.280
More orgon.
01:05:55.519 --> 01:05:59.760
So it's basically the medical equivalent of plugging yourself into the universe.
01:06:00.159 --> 01:06:00.880
Except there's no button.
01:06:03.920 --> 01:06:14.239
Call me Neo And uh don't forget, uh we have never established that this electricity exists.
01:06:14.880 --> 01:06:16.480
Rake wasn't thinking small.
01:06:16.639 --> 01:06:19.599
He became especially interested in cancer.
01:06:20.480 --> 01:06:26.639
He'd already been studying cancer in mice during his earlier laboratory work.
01:06:26.880 --> 01:06:33.199
And once he developed the accumulator, he began putting cancer mice inside the enclosure just to see what the fuck happened.
01:06:33.519 --> 01:06:34.239
Oh no.
01:06:34.639 --> 01:06:36.480
Then the work expanded to humans.
01:06:36.719 --> 01:06:44.400
Reich's theory of cancer was complicated, but the short version is that he did not see a tumor as simply an isolated lump of rogue cells.
01:06:44.559 --> 01:06:53.599
He believed that cancer was part of a deeper, whole body deterioration, a breakdown in what he considered the organism's energetic functioning.
01:06:54.079 --> 01:06:58.079
Can confirm do have body full of tumor.
01:06:58.400 --> 01:07:01.440
Also, orgasm all time does not help.
01:07:02.320 --> 01:07:05.599
Oh well unfortunately.
01:07:06.239 --> 01:07:12.719
Now we can't stop because you have just tipped the scale both ways within 30 seconds.
01:07:13.039 --> 01:07:14.800
That escalated quickly.
01:07:15.119 --> 01:07:16.000
Indeed.
01:07:16.559 --> 01:07:17.360
Sorry.
01:07:17.679 --> 01:07:22.880
In Wilhelm's model, treating the tumor alone wasn't necessarily treating the underlying problem.
01:07:23.199 --> 01:07:28.480
You needed to address the whole organism with organ in a box.
01:07:28.800 --> 01:07:35.920
And again, there's no accepted medical evidence that organ exists or that sitting in an accumulator treats cancer.
01:07:36.079 --> 01:07:39.119
But Reich absolutely believed this was medicine.
01:07:39.280 --> 01:07:48.400
By 1951, he had published an entire manual called The Orgon Energy Accumulator, its scientific and medical use.
01:07:49.360 --> 01:07:53.760
Not some interesting thoughts I had about a box, but medical use.
01:07:53.920 --> 01:08:00.400
And the medical section included what he called general organotic irradiation of the organism.
01:08:00.960 --> 01:08:03.519
Which is just an incredible phrase.
01:08:04.719 --> 01:08:09.280
Do you think he wrote this before or after Sylvester Graham died?
01:08:09.360 --> 01:08:12.719
And if it was before, do you think that's what killed Sylvester Graham?
01:08:13.840 --> 01:08:16.399
Maybe he just decided to get in the box.
01:08:16.560 --> 01:08:18.000
He's like, it's been all these years.
01:08:18.079 --> 01:08:20.399
Let me just see what a little dose is like.
01:08:21.840 --> 01:08:22.720
Oh, sorry.
01:08:22.880 --> 01:08:24.319
It was 1951.
01:08:24.560 --> 01:08:26.479
Sylvester died in 1851.
01:08:26.640 --> 01:08:27.119
My bad.
01:08:27.279 --> 01:08:28.319
Oh, dang it.
01:08:28.479 --> 01:08:29.520
That would have been.
01:08:30.159 --> 01:08:33.199
I know what a coincidence.
01:08:34.800 --> 01:08:39.199
He was like, this motherfucker is eating seasoned chicken.
01:08:42.399 --> 01:08:47.119
He's sitting there in a box absorbing orgasm rays and he's fine.
01:08:51.119 --> 01:09:02.800
Ah so general organotic irradiation of the organism actually means sit in the box and get irradiated with invisible orgasm adjacent life force.
01:09:03.039 --> 01:09:07.119
Because sometimes Wilmhelm wanted the organ to be more targeted.
01:09:07.520 --> 01:09:09.760
Enter the shooter.
01:09:10.079 --> 01:09:10.720
Yes.
01:09:11.039 --> 01:09:13.600
There was a device called the shooter.
01:09:13.840 --> 01:09:16.560
And unfortunately I did not name it.
01:09:19.359 --> 01:09:30.800
Reich developed smaller arrangements designed to supposedly concentrate Orgon towards a specific area of the body rather than exposing the entire person inside the accumulator.
01:09:31.359 --> 01:09:36.239
His medical manual literally included a section called the Shooter.
01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:40.560
So now we have the Foxbox and the Shooter.
01:09:40.800 --> 01:09:45.279
And somehow I'm expected to stand here and explain that neither one is sexual.
01:09:45.520 --> 01:09:47.680
That feels deliberately hostile.
01:09:49.279 --> 01:09:51.520
Guys, I swear to God it's not about sex.
01:09:51.600 --> 01:09:52.800
I swear to God.
01:09:53.439 --> 01:09:57.359
And this wasn't just Reich sitting alone in Maine experimenting on himself.
01:09:57.520 --> 01:10:01.600
By the late 1940s, he had physicians studying with him.
01:10:01.840 --> 01:10:03.279
He held conferences.
01:10:03.439 --> 01:10:06.399
He published the Oregon Energy Bulletin.
01:10:06.640 --> 01:10:17.199
Doctors associated with his work published reports about using accumulator-based approaches in cases involving things like rheumatic fever, skin disease, and other medical conditions.
01:10:17.439 --> 01:10:23.119
A later complication reserved by the Reich Museum includes those physicians' reports.
01:10:23.439 --> 01:10:31.119
Reich was taking this seriously enough that he even considered building a hospital at Organon devoted to his kind of work.
01:10:31.359 --> 01:10:32.319
A hospital.
01:10:32.640 --> 01:10:34.560
Imagine checking in.
01:10:35.199 --> 01:10:36.319
Room 204.
01:10:36.800 --> 01:10:37.680
Oh, thank you.
01:10:37.840 --> 01:10:40.079
And your accumulator is down the hall.
01:10:40.479 --> 01:10:41.119
My what?
01:10:41.279 --> 01:10:42.640
Don't worry about it.
01:10:42.880 --> 01:10:47.600
And I think this is the part that makes Reich more interesting than just some guy selling snake oil.
01:10:47.840 --> 01:10:51.439
He built an entire internally consistent medical theory.
01:10:51.680 --> 01:10:54.800
In his mind, emotional repression affected the body.
01:10:55.039 --> 01:10:58.479
Muscular tension interfered with healthy biological function.
01:10:58.800 --> 01:11:03.520
Healthy orgasm allowed for the body to properly discharge energy.
01:11:03.920 --> 01:11:06.479
That energy turned out to be physically real.
01:11:06.720 --> 01:11:08.960
That energy existed throughout nature.
01:11:09.199 --> 01:11:13.119
Therefore, why wouldn't concentrating it help a sick body?
01:11:13.439 --> 01:11:16.399
Every step made sense inside the theory.
01:11:16.720 --> 01:11:25.359
The problem was that the foundational thing holding the whole structure up, gorgon, had never actually been demonstrated to exist.
01:11:26.159 --> 01:11:31.039
So this magnificent medical skyscraper is standing on nothing.
01:11:32.079 --> 01:11:36.640
But if you're already inside the building, the furniture looks fantastic.
01:11:36.880 --> 01:11:38.479
And people use these things.
01:11:38.640 --> 01:11:43.600
There were applications, questionnaires, accumulators were assigned numbers.
01:11:43.840 --> 01:11:47.039
Records survive Yep.
01:11:47.199 --> 01:11:58.640
Records survive documenting users, construction instructions, reports of supposed beneficial effects, and accumulators being sold or rented for both medical and non medical use.
01:11:59.199 --> 01:12:01.279
This wasn't just an idea in a book.
01:12:01.439 --> 01:12:09.600
There were actual human beings voluntarily climbing into actual boxes because they believed concentrated organ might help them.
01:12:10.079 --> 01:12:15.520
Which brings us to the question every questionable medical treatment eventually has to answer.
01:12:15.840 --> 01:12:17.359
Who's making the claims?
01:12:17.680 --> 01:12:19.920
How sick are the people listening to them?
01:12:20.239 --> 01:12:33.279
Because once your steel wool orgasm energy cabinet moves from ooh, this makes me feel nice to this may help treat serious disease, somebody from the federal government is eventually going to knock on the door.
01:12:33.520 --> 01:12:39.439
And unfortunately for William Reich, the FDA just found out about the fuck box.
01:12:40.319 --> 01:12:42.720
At this point, Willem Reich has a problem.
01:12:42.880 --> 01:12:57.680
He's convinced the accumulator is doing something, but I built the box full of invisible life energy, and I swear it gets a little warmer is not exactly the kind of statement that gets you immediately welcomed into the scientific establishment.
01:12:57.920 --> 01:13:12.800
Reich decides he needs somebody credible to look at this, someone who understands energy to prove his theory, someone respected, someone whose name carries a little weight, and somehow, Albert Fucking Einstein gets dragged into this.
01:13:13.119 --> 01:13:20.720
In nineteen forty, Reich writes to Einstein and tells him that he believes he's discovered a new form of biological energy.
01:13:20.960 --> 01:13:22.960
And Einstein agrees to meet with him.
01:13:23.199 --> 01:13:26.319
Not for five minutes, they talked for hours.
01:13:26.560 --> 01:13:30.079
Reich explained the experiments, the accumulator, the whole thing.
01:13:30.239 --> 01:13:34.960
And Einstein was interested enough in one particular claim to actually test it.
01:13:35.279 --> 01:13:43.600
Reich said the accumulator produced a small temperature difference compared with the surrounding air, which, if true, for the reasons Reich believed, would be interesting.
01:13:43.840 --> 01:13:48.000
So Reich brings Einstein a small experimental accumulator.
01:13:48.239 --> 01:13:49.680
Einstein tests it.
01:13:49.840 --> 01:13:52.560
And initially there actually is a temperature difference.
01:13:52.800 --> 01:13:55.680
You know Willem went home absolutely levidating.
01:13:55.920 --> 01:13:58.720
Oh my god, Einstein saw the fuck box.
01:14:00.319 --> 01:14:06.960
Unfortunately, for Wellgun, Einstein kept experimenting, and he eventually noticed something else.
01:14:07.119 --> 01:14:11.039
There was also a temperature difference between the floor and the ceiling of the room.
01:14:11.359 --> 01:14:19.279
Because, and I cannot believe this is where one of history's greatest physicists enter our story, warm air rises.
01:14:19.920 --> 01:14:23.600
Einstein concluded that ordinary convection could explain the effect.
01:14:23.920 --> 01:14:26.239
Reich disagreed strongly.
01:14:26.560 --> 01:14:30.399
Very, very twenty five pages of correspondence strongly.
01:14:30.640 --> 01:14:31.279
Oh no.
01:14:31.760 --> 01:14:36.000
But Einstein considered the matter resolved and didn't endorse Oregon.
01:14:36.239 --> 01:14:40.800
So Wilmhelm brought his cosmic sex energy cabinet to Albert Einstein.
01:14:40.960 --> 01:14:46.960
And Albert Einstein essentially came back with Wilhelm, your womb you're not your womb.
01:14:47.520 --> 01:14:49.039
Your womb is warm.
01:14:49.680 --> 01:14:51.359
Your womb is warm.
01:14:52.319 --> 01:14:55.119
Wilm, your room is warm.
01:14:55.359 --> 01:14:57.439
And somehow this didn't stop him.
01:14:57.600 --> 01:15:03.279
Because while Einstein was done with the box, the federal government was just beginning to get interested.
01:15:03.520 --> 01:15:09.039
And unlike Einstein, the FDA was not coming over for a friendly chat.
01:15:09.920 --> 01:15:13.680
So the FDA finds out about the fuck box.
01:15:13.840 --> 01:15:18.800
And from their perspective, the issue isn't is Wilmhelm Reich an interesting thinker?
01:15:19.119 --> 01:15:26.159
The issue is are people being sold a medical device that is being represented as useful for treating disease?
01:15:26.479 --> 01:15:29.039
And at this point the answer was very much yes.
01:15:29.279 --> 01:15:44.560
The government later described the accumulator as a box like device in which patients sat for treatment and alleged that it was being represented as beneficial for illnesses ranging from cancer to the common cold, which is a pretty wide therapeutic target.
01:15:44.880 --> 01:15:46.560
Cancer cold.
01:15:46.800 --> 01:15:49.359
And then presumably whatever happens in between.
01:15:49.600 --> 01:15:51.439
Just get in the fucking box.
01:15:52.560 --> 01:16:03.840
In February of nineteen fifty four, the federal government filed a complaint against Reich, his foundation, and an associate seeking to stop interstate distribution of the accumulators.
01:16:04.000 --> 01:16:09.359
This is where Wilhelm takes an absolutely spectacular legal decision.
01:16:09.680 --> 01:16:12.399
He refuses to properly defend the case.
01:16:12.560 --> 01:16:19.119
Not because he doesn't care, because he believes a court has no authority to decide whether orgon energy exists.
01:16:19.359 --> 01:16:22.079
And philosophically, I kind of see what he's saying.
01:16:22.319 --> 01:16:26.159
Judges don't ordinarily discover fundamental forces of nature.
01:16:26.319 --> 01:16:33.439
You don't want a courtroom going electromagneticism sustained, but legally, bad strategy.
01:16:33.680 --> 01:16:39.520
Reich essentially tells the court, you are not qualified to judge cosmic organ energy.
01:16:39.680 --> 01:16:43.279
And the court says, cool, default judgment.
01:16:43.520 --> 01:16:47.359
In March 1954, an injunction was entered against him.
01:16:47.600 --> 01:16:57.520
The order prohibited the interstate distribution of the accumulators and required existing devices under Reich's control to be recalled and either destroyed or dismantled.
01:16:57.760 --> 01:17:01.840
Certain literature connected to their use was also ordered destroyed.
01:17:02.159 --> 01:17:10.159
So the federal government has now officially said please stop shipping the orgasm energy medical closet across state lines.
01:17:10.479 --> 01:17:12.880
And somehow, he didn't stop.
01:17:13.039 --> 01:17:14.960
The injunction was violated.
01:17:15.279 --> 01:17:21.359
Reich and psychiatrist Michael Silvert are eventually charged with criminal contempt of court.
01:17:21.600 --> 01:17:27.439
Not for believing in organ, not for having weird ideas, but for violating the injunction.
01:17:28.000 --> 01:17:30.960
In nineteen fifty six, a jury convicted them.
01:17:31.199 --> 01:17:34.079
Reich was sentenced to two years in federal prison.
01:17:34.239 --> 01:17:42.960
And then the story takes one last genuinely uncomfortable turn because publications associated with the accumulator were destroyed under the injunction.
01:17:43.680 --> 01:17:52.880
In August 1956, the FDA agents supervised the destruction of a huge quantity of Reich's books and journals in a New York incinerator.
01:17:53.119 --> 01:17:56.880
His museum estimates roughly six tons of material.
01:17:57.279 --> 01:17:58.000
Damn.
01:17:58.399 --> 01:17:59.680
That's a lot of material.
01:17:59.840 --> 01:18:00.960
And there's a lot remaining.
01:18:01.119 --> 01:18:04.800
There's still a whole museum that you can go to and look at.
01:18:05.359 --> 01:18:06.000
Really?
01:18:07.039 --> 01:18:13.279
And the government's position was that certain writings functioned as labeling for the prohibited medical device.
01:18:13.600 --> 01:18:21.600
Reich's supporters understandably looked at federal agents supervising the destruction of books and went, that seems fucking bad.
01:18:21.840 --> 01:18:27.520
And honestly, even if you think Orgon's complete nonsense, that part of the story is weird.
01:18:28.000 --> 01:18:30.800
Reich entered federal prison in 1957.
01:18:31.199 --> 01:18:34.399
He died there later that year of heart failure.
01:18:34.560 --> 01:18:36.640
And that should probably be the end of the story.
01:18:36.800 --> 01:18:48.640
Except I do need to tell you one last thing, because everything we've discussed today, the orgasm theory, the invisible energy, the fuck box, the cancer treatment claims, Einstein, the FDA.
01:18:48.960 --> 01:18:51.680
That's not even the weirdest shit that Wilm did.
01:18:53.039 --> 01:18:56.880
After developing There's more?
01:18:57.520 --> 01:18:58.319
Briefly.
01:19:04.720 --> 01:19:13.039
After developing the accumulator, Reich eventually built a device he believed could manipulate atmospheric organ and affect the weather.
01:19:13.279 --> 01:19:15.600
He called it a Cloud Buster.
01:19:16.079 --> 01:19:22.079
Then he became concerned that UFOs might be contributing to harmful atmospheric energy.
01:19:22.479 --> 01:19:23.520
Absolutely they are.
01:19:24.159 --> 01:19:25.600
They fucking are.
01:19:26.560 --> 01:19:32.880
He adapted the technology and eventually called it, I swear to God, a space gun.
01:19:35.119 --> 01:19:37.359
I fucking love this guy.
01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:42.720
But, but, but this is an episode about questionable medicine.
01:19:42.800 --> 01:19:44.720
And I have shown restraint.
01:19:45.039 --> 01:19:46.399
You're welcome.
01:19:47.680 --> 01:19:49.840
All right, so here's just the tip.
01:19:50.159 --> 01:19:51.359
Just just the tip.
01:19:51.439 --> 01:19:52.640
Please research him.
01:19:52.800 --> 01:19:56.880
I I think we could do an entire episode about this band.
01:19:58.560 --> 01:20:00.079
Orgon is still around.
01:20:00.239 --> 01:20:00.800
Sort of.
01:20:00.960 --> 01:20:04.159
If you search for it today, you'll find things called organite.
01:20:04.319 --> 01:20:10.720
Little resin pyramids, crystals, copper coils, metal shavings, pendants, whatever.
01:20:11.039 --> 01:20:17.439
All kinds of extremely Etsy looking objects marketed around things like energy balancing or protection from EMFs.
01:20:17.680 --> 01:20:21.439
And I need you to know, Willem Reich did not make that shit.
01:20:21.600 --> 01:20:25.279
The Willem Reich Museum is actually very clear about this.
01:20:25.600 --> 01:20:32.960
Modern organite showed up decades after Reich died and has basically nothing to do with how his accumulator was constructed.
01:20:33.359 --> 01:20:41.199
So somewhere in the afterlife, Willem Reich is presumably screaming, that is not how the Falk box works.
01:20:44.319 --> 01:20:55.199
But the reason the story belongs in an exhibit about weird medicine isn't really the box or the orgasm, or even the fact that Albert Einstein briefly had one of these goddamn things in his house.
01:20:55.439 --> 01:20:58.640
It's because the idea underneath it never really goes away.
01:20:58.880 --> 01:21:01.439
Something is wrong with you, medicine can explain it.
01:21:01.520 --> 01:21:11.760
And then somebody says, actually, your body has an invisible energy that's like blocked, frequency's off, your chakras are fugved, whatever.
01:21:13.520 --> 01:21:16.640
And conveniently, there's usually a thing that can fix it.
01:21:16.880 --> 01:21:21.600
A crystal, a bracelet, or plywood cabinet lined with steel wool.
01:21:21.760 --> 01:21:25.840
And look, if someone wants to carry a crystal because it makes them feel calm, great.
01:21:26.079 --> 01:21:27.359
Love that journey.
01:21:27.600 --> 01:21:33.600
The problem starts where we go from this makes me feel better to this treats disease.
01:21:33.920 --> 01:21:37.039
Because those are two completely different fucking statements.
01:21:38.319 --> 01:21:41.600
And that's what makes Reich such a perfect medical oddity.
01:21:41.760 --> 01:21:45.119
He didn't start with the aliens or the weather machines.
01:21:45.279 --> 01:21:47.920
He didn't even start with the invisible cosmic energy.
01:21:48.079 --> 01:21:50.800
He started with something surprisingly recognizable.
01:21:51.039 --> 01:21:52.800
Your mind affects your body.
01:21:53.199 --> 01:21:58.640
Then somehow, we ended up with I have built a fuck box.
01:21:58.800 --> 01:22:00.159
There's a lot in between.
01:22:00.399 --> 01:22:03.920
And honestly, that may be my favorite thing about this entire story.
01:22:04.239 --> 01:22:10.880
At no point does Reich wake up and say, Today I shall invent a cosmic orgasm medical cabinet.
01:22:11.199 --> 01:22:19.520
He gets there one seemingly reasonable step at a time, and by the time anybody asks where the fuck we're going, we're all already sitting inside it.
01:22:19.680 --> 01:22:32.880
So the next time somebody tells you that your health problems are caused by an invisible energy imbalance, maybe ask some follow-up questions, maybe a little evidence, and definitely ask, does the treatment involve getting into a box?
01:22:33.119 --> 01:22:39.359
Because we've been down this road before, and apparently none of us are orgasming correctly.
01:22:39.680 --> 01:22:41.359
Bravo, bravo.
01:22:42.159 --> 01:22:43.119
Uh thank you.
01:22:43.439 --> 01:22:44.239
Uh thank you.
01:22:44.720 --> 01:22:50.319
That man really spanned quite a distance from where he started to where he ended.
01:22:50.640 --> 01:23:02.319
And that just goes to show, too, because uh like like I said, it was one relatively reasonable step at a time that led from ooh, orgasms feel good and they feel such release after.
01:23:02.560 --> 01:23:03.039
Wait.
01:23:03.439 --> 01:23:05.760
Can I collect the thing that is released?
01:23:05.920 --> 01:23:06.399
Wait.
01:23:06.640 --> 01:23:08.000
Can it cure cancer?
01:23:08.159 --> 01:23:10.800
Wait, can I turn it into a space gun?
01:23:10.960 --> 01:23:12.239
Like ha okay.
01:23:13.039 --> 01:23:13.680
Alright.
01:23:14.000 --> 01:23:15.600
He was dreaming big.
01:23:17.760 --> 01:23:22.399
It really is a testament to the fact that people just do be making shit up.
01:23:23.039 --> 01:23:24.399
Absolutely.
01:23:24.720 --> 01:23:30.079
I'm still kind of stuck on the fact that you don't actually have sex in the fuck box, that you just sit there.
01:23:30.399 --> 01:23:36.399
Much like real orgasmic energy, sometimes it's a letdown.
01:23:37.520 --> 01:23:39.920
Like, what are you doing Saturday night?
01:23:40.079 --> 01:23:43.920
I'm just gonna bathe in the cosmic fuck energy, bruh.
01:23:46.880 --> 01:23:50.960
We should put it on our schedule as a uh bi-weekly, monthly thing.
01:23:51.119 --> 01:23:53.439
Let's continue his mission for science.
01:23:53.760 --> 01:23:55.039
A group activity.
01:23:55.359 --> 01:23:55.520
Yeah.
01:23:55.680 --> 01:23:59.119
And eat graham crackers while we do it to see if they counteract each other.
01:24:02.319 --> 01:24:11.039
When you talked about plugging into the universe, and I was like, like the Matrix, I thought, how ironic too, because it's like you have the blue pill and the red pill.
01:24:11.119 --> 01:24:16.000
The blue pill is the Viagra, and the red pill is the ibuprofen you take after all the vigorous sex.
01:24:18.000 --> 01:24:19.680
There, yeah, yeah.
01:24:20.159 --> 01:24:21.920
I like the way you think.
01:24:23.840 --> 01:24:24.960
Alright, Gavin.
01:24:25.039 --> 01:24:30.560
We've been through theories that uh masturbation is horrible for you.
01:24:30.880 --> 01:24:36.880
We've gone to the opposite end of the spectrum saying, hey, masturbation is the key of a healthy life.
01:24:37.039 --> 01:24:40.800
Uh what what kind of uh fresh horrors did you bring to the table?
01:24:40.960 --> 01:24:48.479
This is so I uh kind of followed the theme, but I definitely did not follow your theme.
01:24:50.159 --> 01:24:54.800
That was just the most amazing coincidence that ever happened ever.
01:24:55.439 --> 01:24:58.239
Um so here's mine.
01:24:58.720 --> 01:25:00.880
Exhibit number 141.
01:25:01.359 --> 01:25:02.720
Album Gore cum.
01:25:03.039 --> 01:25:04.720
Hey, at least there's cum in the name.
01:25:04.880 --> 01:25:08.159
Uh you're odd theme, you're bad.
01:25:08.479 --> 01:25:08.960
There we go.
01:25:09.279 --> 01:25:10.399
Just you guys are region.
01:25:11.039 --> 01:25:14.560
And it's grey cum, so something must be very wrong.
01:25:14.880 --> 01:25:16.479
Oh, you just wait.
01:25:16.800 --> 01:25:18.159
Alright, my friends.
01:25:18.399 --> 01:25:19.680
Move along, move along.
01:25:19.760 --> 01:25:24.720
Step over here for just one moment and feast your eyes on this tiny wee little jar.
01:25:25.039 --> 01:25:27.520
Genuine eighteenth century blueglass.
01:25:28.000 --> 01:25:32.720
Beautifully hand blown, the kind of vessel you expect to hold something rare and precious.
01:25:32.960 --> 01:25:34.960
Rare herbs from the Orient, perhaps.
01:25:35.199 --> 01:25:38.960
Powdered gemstones, exotic spices, crown pearls.
01:25:39.279 --> 01:25:40.239
Crushed coral.
01:25:40.560 --> 01:25:45.119
Something valuable enough to warrant this level of eighteen hundreds craftsmanship.
01:25:45.359 --> 01:25:51.119
The label, written in careful apothecary script, reads Album Grecum.
01:25:51.520 --> 01:25:52.800
Lovely, isn't it?
01:25:52.960 --> 01:25:56.720
Sounds like a fine powder a lady might dust on her declete.
01:25:57.359 --> 01:26:00.079
Does anybody in the class know what a declutage is?
01:26:00.399 --> 01:26:03.520
Yes, it this Yes, very nice.
01:26:03.760 --> 01:26:04.720
I did not.
01:26:06.479 --> 01:26:11.199
People get very concerned with your declutage once you reach a certain age.
01:26:11.600 --> 01:26:16.880
Like it was never mentioned, and then within the last like two years, like, are you moisturizing your declutage?
01:26:17.039 --> 01:26:18.399
I'm like fuck, dude.
01:26:20.479 --> 01:26:21.840
Not even drinking water.
01:26:22.000 --> 01:26:24.000
I'm not moisturizing internally either.
01:26:24.159 --> 01:26:25.199
Leave me alone.
01:26:25.520 --> 01:26:28.239
It's a 2026, call it my collarbone.
01:26:28.479 --> 01:26:29.840
Move the fuck along.
01:26:32.960 --> 01:26:35.119
No need to gussy it up now.
01:26:35.840 --> 01:26:38.640
Well besides the collarbones and declutages.
01:26:39.279 --> 01:26:49.199
This powder maybe kinda seems like something that William Proctor Jr., the father of American Pharmacy might compound free to rub on your swollen lymph nodes while you're down and out with the plague.
01:26:49.520 --> 01:26:51.520
But it is neither of those things.
01:26:51.680 --> 01:26:52.720
What do you take me for?
01:26:52.800 --> 01:26:56.960
Do you think I'm just going to tell you or rather string you along on a journey?
01:26:57.439 --> 01:26:57.840
Yeah.
01:26:58.079 --> 01:27:00.720
I had to learn about this the hard way and so will you.
01:27:00.960 --> 01:27:07.119
The name alone suggests legitimacy, scientific authority, centuries of medical tradition.
01:27:07.359 --> 01:27:12.000
The kind of Latin that makes you think someone knew what they were doing when they created it.
01:27:12.239 --> 01:27:18.399
Inside the jar you can see a pale, chalky powder, a fine texture, almost white in color.
01:27:18.720 --> 01:27:22.880
The kind of substance that looks medicinal, one might even say cosmetic.
01:27:23.359 --> 01:27:27.199
Now, before I unleash the hound, let me tell you what we do know about it.
01:27:28.079 --> 01:27:36.720
The substance appeared in European pharmacopias, which are just fancy, fancy official pharmacy reference books from a long time gone by.
01:27:37.439 --> 01:27:42.239
The kind compiled by physicians and apothecaries who took their work very, very seriously.
01:27:42.960 --> 01:27:43.760
You know the type.
01:27:43.920 --> 01:27:46.239
The kind with many years of scholarly backgrounds.
01:27:47.119 --> 01:27:50.239
It was listed alongside other materia Medica.
01:27:50.960 --> 01:27:51.600
Medica.
01:27:52.239 --> 01:27:53.279
That's a weird word.
01:27:53.920 --> 01:27:56.079
It was listed little fuck.
01:27:57.439 --> 01:27:58.960
Having a stroke hold on.
01:27:59.279 --> 01:28:00.800
You sounded Like a chicken.
01:28:03.520 --> 01:28:04.159
What?
01:28:06.079 --> 01:28:09.039
Is the white powder good white and did you try it?
01:28:11.039 --> 01:28:18.000
It was listed alongside other material medic, such things like herbs, minerals, animal products.
01:28:18.239 --> 01:28:22.880
It had multiple official Latin names recorded across various European pharmacopias.
01:28:23.279 --> 01:28:30.560
It was prescribed by highly trained medical professionals, apothecaries, and scholars for very specific physical ailments.
01:28:30.880 --> 01:28:49.760
Particularly severe and painful throat conditions, deep tissue inflammation, painful ulceration of the mouth and pharnix, acute tonsillitis, and peritonsillar abscesses, the kind of excruciating nasty bugs that make every single swallow feel like you've just downed a brimming pitcher of jagged glass shards.
01:28:50.319 --> 01:28:53.439
The preparation method was seemingly straightforward and standardized.
01:28:53.520 --> 01:28:57.600
You would thoroughly mix this fine chalky white powder with a generous dose of raw honey.
01:28:57.760 --> 01:29:02.960
The sweetness of the honey helped make the mixture somewhat palatable to the unsuspecting patient.
01:29:03.279 --> 01:29:08.800
The active powder itself provided the primary astringent and cleansing medicinal effect.
01:29:09.199 --> 01:29:12.960
Or at least so the medical authorities of the day firmly believed.
01:29:13.279 --> 01:29:16.720
The raw substance itself was strictly animal derived.
01:29:16.960 --> 01:29:21.840
Many mainstream historical medicines were in fact derived from fauna.
01:29:22.560 --> 01:29:35.520
Musk from deer glands, ambergris harvested from sperm whales, castorium extracted from beaver sacs, civet scraped from tropical cats, and I beg all of your finest bardons.
01:29:36.000 --> 01:29:39.199
All of them were recognized animal products.
01:29:39.439 --> 01:29:43.920
All of them were considered immensely valuable in early pharmaceutical commerce.
01:29:44.079 --> 01:29:49.279
So merely knowing its animal origin doesn't immediately tell us much or narrow down what it is.
01:29:49.520 --> 01:29:55.119
What is truly fascinating, however, is the precise nature of its collection and preparation process.
01:29:55.359 --> 01:29:58.399
The substance required very specific conditions.
01:29:58.640 --> 01:30:08.239
It had to be exposed to air, and by that I mean left outside, allowed to dry thoroughly until it became white or greyish white, chalky, nearly odorless.
01:30:08.479 --> 01:30:14.000
But whiteness was the defining characteristic, hence the name album, which means white.
01:30:14.159 --> 01:30:17.760
The substance was selected based on the animal's diet.
01:30:18.319 --> 01:30:21.439
Specifically, animals that had been eating bones.
01:30:22.399 --> 01:30:34.800
So to summarize, we have a white powdered substance, animal derived, diet dependent, air dried, sunbleached, mixed with honey, prescribed for throat ailments, stored in elegant jars, labelled in Latin, and sold by respectable professionals.
01:30:34.960 --> 01:30:35.520
Are you ready?
01:30:35.920 --> 01:30:37.439
Is is it what I think it is?
01:30:37.600 --> 01:30:37.840
Go.
01:30:37.920 --> 01:30:39.279
Oh shit.
01:30:39.760 --> 01:30:41.520
Oh my god, it's shit.
01:30:42.960 --> 01:30:44.319
It's dog shit.
01:30:44.479 --> 01:30:46.319
Dried white dog shit.
01:30:49.039 --> 01:30:50.239
Right shit.
01:30:50.880 --> 01:31:01.279
Album Grachum is sunbleached dog feces that has been collected, processed, powdered, stored in elegant ceramic jars, labelled in beautiful script, and sold as medicine for centuries.
01:31:01.680 --> 01:31:04.159
Squat down on that for a moment, would you?
01:31:04.399 --> 01:31:06.479
This is a beautiful jar.
01:31:07.359 --> 01:31:10.239
I'm never gonna look at my dogs the same again.
01:31:10.720 --> 01:31:14.560
Bitches will buy anything if it's in a pretty jar.
01:31:15.119 --> 01:31:20.479
And it supposedly helps your declottage be beautiful.
01:31:20.880 --> 01:31:22.000
You're not wrong.
01:31:22.319 --> 01:31:22.880
Yeah.
01:31:23.279 --> 01:31:26.319
The full name translates directly to Greek white.
01:31:26.560 --> 01:31:29.840
It was also called Circus Canis Afinicule.
01:31:30.399 --> 01:31:32.159
I don't know if I crushed that or not.
01:31:32.479 --> 01:31:35.840
I couldn't tell you either, so we're just gonna say yes.
01:31:36.079 --> 01:31:37.279
Yeah, we're gonna go for it.
01:31:37.600 --> 01:31:39.760
Which just means official dog dung.
01:31:40.560 --> 01:31:44.319
Somebody looked at a pile of dog doo-doo and thought, why yes?
01:31:44.479 --> 01:31:49.840
If we had just ground this up and swallowed it, it might cure my pus filled tonsilitis.
01:31:50.079 --> 01:31:51.680
And then they did just that.
01:31:51.920 --> 01:31:53.920
One more time for those in the back.
01:31:54.159 --> 01:31:56.800
Let me give you the full list of what we're talking about here.
01:31:56.960 --> 01:31:58.720
The good boy gobstopper.
01:31:59.279 --> 01:32:01.039
Vido's forbidden fudge.
01:32:01.760 --> 01:32:03.279
The terrier truffle.
01:32:03.600 --> 01:32:05.680
The fecal phlegm fighter.
01:32:06.560 --> 01:32:07.840
You get the picture.
01:32:08.159 --> 01:32:10.319
No, you have to have more.
01:32:12.720 --> 01:32:14.399
There were so many more.
01:32:15.119 --> 01:32:22.640
And so now that I've left a lingering taste in your mouth, we're going to talk about how dried dog turds became a legitimate pharmaceutical remedy.
01:32:22.800 --> 01:32:24.000
Let's begin.
01:32:24.720 --> 01:32:26.239
So Album Graecum.
01:32:26.319 --> 01:32:27.439
The name tells you almost everything.
01:32:27.680 --> 01:32:29.760
Album means white, Graecum means Greek.
01:32:30.000 --> 01:32:35.359
But here's where it gets complicated because historical sources disagree about which animal we're actually talking about.
01:32:35.520 --> 01:32:37.439
Most descriptions say dog.
01:32:37.840 --> 01:32:39.359
Some say hyena.
01:32:39.680 --> 01:32:43.039
A few say either one, as long as the dung is white.
01:32:43.279 --> 01:32:46.479
Now I have questions about the hyena attribution.
01:32:46.800 --> 01:32:48.720
Hyenas are not native to Europe.
01:32:48.880 --> 01:32:51.119
They live in Africa and parts of Asia.
01:32:51.279 --> 01:32:58.399
So unless your local apothecary had a hyena dealer, which, to be fair, cannot be entirely ruled out in the history of European medicine.
01:32:58.720 --> 01:32:59.359
That's what I'm saying.
01:33:05.760 --> 01:33:12.000
The Greek part of the name might refer to the fact that ancient Greek and Roman medical texts mentioned using animal dung.
01:33:12.239 --> 01:33:14.800
Dioscorides nuts.
01:33:15.199 --> 01:33:21.840
Dias Dioscorides nuts wrote about it.
01:33:22.960 --> 01:33:28.079
Galen, a Roman Empire physician, to several Roman emperors, even referenced it.
01:33:28.239 --> 01:33:30.479
The classical authorities approved it.
01:33:30.800 --> 01:33:34.880
Europeans loved slapping Greek onto things to make them sound more legitimate.
01:33:35.119 --> 01:33:38.880
Greek fire, Greek key patterns, Greek white dog shit.
01:33:39.119 --> 01:33:42.079
Either way, the material itself was straightforward.
01:33:42.159 --> 01:33:43.520
You find dog shit.
01:33:43.680 --> 01:33:48.800
Ideally from a dog that has been eating bones, because that produces paler, drier shit.
01:33:49.119 --> 01:33:52.079
Some sources specify that the dog should also be white.
01:33:52.319 --> 01:33:54.720
A bit racist, if you ask me, but I high grace.
01:33:56.399 --> 01:34:00.880
Others say the color of the dog doesn't matter as long as the feces turns white.
01:34:01.119 --> 01:34:14.479
So you watch the dog expend his rectum rollo, you leave it outside, bake in the sun at ninety degrees, wait for it to bleach, time does its work, eventually it becomes white or greyish white, crumbly, and according to historical accounts, odorless.
01:34:14.800 --> 01:34:15.439
Bullshit.
01:34:16.000 --> 01:34:20.000
Or at least less odorous than the other things in the room.
01:34:20.640 --> 01:34:22.239
Which is a pretty low bar.
01:34:22.640 --> 01:34:24.239
But that part mattered quite a bit.
01:34:24.399 --> 01:34:27.039
If it wasn't white, it wasn't album gracum.
01:34:27.119 --> 01:34:28.000
It was just dog shit.
01:34:28.159 --> 01:34:29.199
Worthless poo.
01:34:29.359 --> 01:34:31.920
Absolutely unsillable by professional standards.
01:34:32.079 --> 01:34:40.640
But if it had been properly aged and sun-dried into a pale, chalky substance, congratulations, you now have a marketable pharmaceutical product.
01:34:40.880 --> 01:34:43.760
Why didn't they just take calcium sub supplements?
01:34:43.920 --> 01:34:47.439
I mean if it's white because of the bones, it was probably just calcium.
01:34:47.680 --> 01:34:48.560
It's probably.
01:34:48.880 --> 01:34:50.479
You're not too far off.
01:34:52.399 --> 01:34:54.239
Now why would anyone prescribe this?
01:34:54.479 --> 01:34:57.039
The primary application was to coat the throat.
01:34:57.279 --> 01:35:08.079
Sore throats, inflamed throats, ulcerated throats, tonsillitis, quincy, any condition where your throat hurt and you couldn't swallow properly, and you were desperate enough to try anything.
01:35:08.399 --> 01:35:10.319
The preparation was pretty simple.
01:35:10.560 --> 01:35:13.680
You took your dried powdered album Grachum, you mixed it with honey.
01:35:13.760 --> 01:35:18.479
Hopefully you did not inform the patient of what was in the sticky chalky goo before they lapped it all up.
01:35:18.720 --> 01:35:21.119
And hopefully the patient wouldn't ask any questions.
01:35:21.279 --> 01:35:22.960
Because imagine that conversation.
01:35:23.199 --> 01:35:24.000
What's in this?
01:35:24.239 --> 01:35:26.079
Oh, you know, album Gracum.
01:35:26.239 --> 01:35:27.039
That sounds lovely.
01:35:27.199 --> 01:35:28.479
What is album Grachum?
01:35:28.560 --> 01:35:30.399
Don't worry about it, just swallow my dear.
01:35:30.640 --> 01:35:34.319
There was medical reasoning behind it, not good reasoning.
01:35:35.279 --> 01:35:43.119
And not reasoning that holds up under germ theory or modern chemistry or any understanding of how infection actually works.
01:35:43.359 --> 01:35:44.800
But reasoning nonetheless.
01:35:45.199 --> 01:35:51.119
Historical medical texts describe Alum Grachum as having cleansing and deterging properties.
01:35:51.359 --> 01:35:55.520
Deterging mean obviously cleaning or purging away impurities.
01:35:55.760 --> 01:36:01.680
The idea was that this substance could cleanse infected tissue, reduce inflammation, and help the throat heal.
01:36:01.920 --> 01:36:03.760
Why dog dung specifically?
01:36:04.079 --> 01:36:14.560
Well, in the medical framework of the time, all substances, animal, vegetable, mineral, had properties hot, cold, wet, dry, astringent, immolent, purgative, binding.
01:36:14.800 --> 01:36:18.319
Dog dung, once dry and whitened, was considered astringent.
01:36:18.560 --> 01:36:19.920
It was dry and chalky.
01:36:20.239 --> 01:36:22.000
It had a binding quality about it.
01:36:22.159 --> 01:36:26.479
Therefore, it might tighten inflamed tissue and draw out excess moisture.
01:36:26.800 --> 01:36:29.039
This made sense within humoral medicine.
01:36:29.199 --> 01:36:33.119
If your throat was inflamed, that meant there was too much heat and too much moisture.
01:36:33.279 --> 01:36:35.520
Your throat is too wet and too hot.
01:36:35.760 --> 01:36:39.600
Sounds a whole lot like my lobster's too buttery and my steak too juicy.
01:36:41.279 --> 01:36:43.119
Fix it immediately.
01:36:44.399 --> 01:36:47.119
You needed something dry and binding to counteract it.
01:36:47.279 --> 01:36:49.840
Album Grachum fit the profile.
01:36:50.079 --> 01:36:54.880
Add honey, which was genuinely antibacterial, though they didn't know why.
01:36:55.199 --> 01:36:58.079
And you had a preparation that made sense.
01:36:58.319 --> 01:37:00.239
Within the logic of the time, that is.
01:37:00.399 --> 01:37:02.000
And I want to be clear about something.
01:37:02.159 --> 01:37:05.199
The people prescribing this were not exactly idiots.
01:37:05.439 --> 01:37:10.800
They were working within a medical system developed over centuries by some of the smartest people in their societies.
01:37:11.039 --> 01:37:16.159
They were observing patients, recording results and trying to figure out what didn't work and what did.
01:37:16.399 --> 01:37:18.880
They just didn't know about bacteria yet.
01:37:19.119 --> 01:37:23.439
Or viruses, or the actual chemical composition of anything really.
01:37:23.920 --> 01:37:26.720
So they were making educated guesses based on appearance.
01:37:26.880 --> 01:37:30.000
Like I said earlier, they were just making shit the fuck up.
01:37:30.479 --> 01:37:33.199
And sometimes those guesses involved dog shit.
01:37:33.439 --> 01:37:34.159
Did it work?
01:37:34.399 --> 01:37:36.720
We have no clinical evidence that it did.
01:37:36.960 --> 01:37:42.800
We also have no record of mass poisoning from Album Graycombe either, which suggests it was at least relatively harmless.
01:37:43.039 --> 01:37:49.760
The honey might have provided some soothing effect, but the dog shit itself almost certainly did nothing.
01:37:50.239 --> 01:37:54.399
Except make the patient wonder what the hell they just done to deserve this.
01:37:55.840 --> 01:37:59.840
I think I would have just like, you know, tried breathing through my mouth first.
01:38:00.399 --> 01:38:00.960
Right.
01:38:01.600 --> 01:38:05.279
To get rid of all that moisture in my throat.
01:38:05.840 --> 01:38:08.079
Maybe maybe just sleep it off.
01:38:08.319 --> 01:38:08.640
You know?
01:38:08.960 --> 01:38:11.119
Like just take a nap first.
01:38:12.239 --> 01:38:14.000
Do some cocaine about it and take a nap.
01:38:14.239 --> 01:38:14.800
Exactly.
01:38:14.960 --> 01:38:17.359
What happened to good old hot water cocaine and honey?
01:38:17.600 --> 01:38:18.880
You got some opium?
01:38:20.479 --> 01:38:22.560
Let's do heroin about it.
01:38:24.479 --> 01:38:25.600
Jesus.
01:38:26.560 --> 01:38:28.319
They did that shit back then, man.
01:38:28.479 --> 01:38:29.199
Absolutely.
01:38:29.439 --> 01:38:29.840
I know.
01:38:30.000 --> 01:38:31.279
Milk of the poppy.
01:38:31.600 --> 01:38:35.600
Can't have a fucking cold if you're in a coma from a opiate.
01:38:38.000 --> 01:38:41.119
Now album gracum wasn't only used in medicine.
01:38:41.279 --> 01:38:46.720
It had a practical application in leather making, specifically in the tanning and softening of leather.
01:38:46.960 --> 01:38:52.000
Dried dog shit contained enzymes and salts that can help break down proteins and animal hides.
01:38:52.239 --> 01:38:55.199
Tanners used it as part of the process to make leather more supple.
01:38:55.359 --> 01:38:56.640
This is called batting.
01:38:56.800 --> 01:39:03.359
The enzymes in feces, dog, bird, human, whatever, can act as a batting agent helping to remove hair and soften the hide.
01:39:03.520 --> 01:39:07.520
And unlike the medicinal use, this one actually makes some chemical sense.
01:39:07.760 --> 01:39:10.720
The enzymes genuinely do break down proteins.
01:39:11.119 --> 01:39:27.039
The process genuinely does soften leather, which makes the medical use even more interesting, because it suggests that people saw this substance working in one context, leather production, and thought, well, if it can break down tough animal hide, maybe it can break down the infected tissue.
01:39:27.359 --> 01:39:29.600
Which is not the worst reasoning in the world.
01:39:30.960 --> 01:39:34.640
It's absolutely fucking diabolically disgusting.
01:39:34.880 --> 01:39:36.079
Yes, that part.
01:39:36.800 --> 01:39:38.399
But not entirely stupid.
01:39:38.640 --> 01:39:45.760
It's the kind of analogical thinking that made sense before anyone understood biochemistry, or fucking anything, for that matter.
01:39:46.079 --> 01:39:49.199
The logic is there, the chemistry, however, is not.
01:39:49.439 --> 01:39:51.439
One of them actually worked.
01:39:51.840 --> 01:39:57.119
And I should mention that album grachum was not the only animal dung used in historical medicine.
01:39:57.359 --> 01:40:00.800
Ancient Egyptian medical texts mention using crocodile shit.
01:40:01.039 --> 01:40:04.000
Greek and Roman physicians wrote about using pigeon shit.
01:40:04.239 --> 01:40:15.439
Goat dung, cow dung, even human feces appeared in some recipes, though it was less common and considered more extreme, because, well yes, we humans are disgusting and we know this about ourselves.
01:40:15.760 --> 01:40:25.520
But what matters here is that album gracum was part of a larger system, a system in which animal products, dung, urine, blood, bones, organs, were all considered potential medicines.
01:40:25.680 --> 01:40:32.159
Not because people were disgusting, even though they most definitely were, but because they were working with what they had.
01:40:32.399 --> 01:40:40.720
Before synthetic drugs, before chemical isolation, before anyone understood molecular structures, medicine was made from whatever was available.
01:40:40.880 --> 01:40:50.640
And if you're already using powdered beetles, dried earthworms, and pulverized Helenskal, and yes, that was also a thing, then dried dog shit doesn't seem that far stretch.
01:40:50.880 --> 01:40:56.399
It's just another material, another substance with properties, another entry in the pharmacopeia.
01:40:56.720 --> 01:41:01.680
What mattered was whether it worked or not, or at least whether people believed that it worked or not.
01:41:01.840 --> 01:41:07.359
And for a long time, for far too long by my measure, they did believe.
01:41:07.680 --> 01:41:09.520
So where did it disappear to?
01:41:09.840 --> 01:41:12.880
Well, it just faded into the background gradually.
01:41:13.039 --> 01:41:20.720
As medical knowledge advanced in the nineteenth century, substances that could be explained or justified under the new frameworks started dropping like flies on shit.
01:41:21.039 --> 01:41:23.039
Germ theory arrived in quick fashion.
01:41:23.199 --> 01:41:31.359
Chemistry advanced beyond our previous rudimentary understanding, and people started asking, what is actually in this substance and what is it doing?
01:41:31.600 --> 01:41:36.960
And when you apply those questions to sun dried dog shit, the answers are not very encouraging.
01:41:37.359 --> 01:41:42.079
And so over time, Album Graecum vanished from the official medical textbooks and journals.
01:41:42.239 --> 01:41:48.239
There was no dramatic announcement, and of course there wasn't any sort of public apology from the medical establishment.
01:41:48.560 --> 01:41:52.479
It just stopped appearing in new editions of pharmacopeas.
01:41:52.880 --> 01:41:59.199
Apothecaries eventually stopped stocking it, physicians stopped prescribing it, and within a generation or two it was gone.
01:41:59.439 --> 01:42:07.439
Except in museum collections, of course, where it remains in jars with fancy handwritten labels, as evidence of what people once swallowed willingly.
01:42:07.600 --> 01:42:11.119
So let's return to where we started, to its name Album Gracum.
01:42:11.199 --> 01:42:17.119
It's a beautiful name, elegant, classical, the kind of name that makes you think of ancient wisdom and carefully preserved knowledge.
01:42:17.359 --> 01:42:18.880
But here's what I find fascinating.
01:42:19.039 --> 01:42:21.039
The name didn't describe what the substance was.
01:42:21.199 --> 01:42:22.479
It described what it looked like.
01:42:22.640 --> 01:42:27.680
Greek, white, just white, and Greek, which tells you something about how language works in medicine.
01:42:27.920 --> 01:42:32.159
If you call something by its plain name dog shit, it sounds ridiculous.
01:42:32.479 --> 01:42:39.760
But if you give it a fancy schmancy Latin name, put it in a jar, write it down in an official book, suddenly it's medicine.
01:42:40.000 --> 01:42:42.000
The substance didn't change.
01:42:42.239 --> 01:42:44.880
It was always as repulsive as it is now.
01:42:45.119 --> 01:42:46.560
But the name changed.
01:42:46.720 --> 01:42:50.800
And the name was enough to fool poor unsuspecting people with sore throats for centuries.
01:42:51.039 --> 01:42:52.319
That was all it took.
01:42:52.560 --> 01:42:57.520
People trusted that label because that's what Album Gracom really teaches us.
01:42:57.760 --> 01:43:01.520
Authority and nomenclature can make almost anything seem legitimate.
01:43:01.760 --> 01:43:04.800
Desperation and hope can override skepticism.
01:43:04.960 --> 01:43:10.000
The human need to cure suffering is so strong we'll try almost anything.
01:43:10.239 --> 01:43:12.640
Even if that anything is dog shit.
01:43:12.960 --> 01:43:23.359
So, take one last look at this jar, at the silky white powder inside, and at the elegant Latin name, and remember underneath the beautiful bottle and the pharmaceutical papers, it's just dog shit.
01:43:23.520 --> 01:43:24.960
It was always dog shit.
01:43:25.119 --> 01:43:26.720
They just called it something nicer.
01:43:27.039 --> 01:43:32.960
That really That really brings a whole new meaning to the phrase eat shit.
01:43:33.119 --> 01:43:34.800
Apso, fucking Luly.
01:43:35.359 --> 01:43:45.680
Also, um I am underutilizing my dog's productions on a regular basis because it is time that this came back.
01:43:45.840 --> 01:43:51.760
Have you seen the ads for all the face miracle face creams that contain salmon sperm?
01:43:52.000 --> 01:43:52.640
Oh yes.
01:43:52.800 --> 01:43:53.119
Yeah.
01:43:53.680 --> 01:43:54.640
Everywhere.
01:43:54.960 --> 01:43:56.560
I use those masks.
01:43:56.960 --> 01:44:03.199
There are face creams that contain the ground up foreskin of human beings.
01:44:03.840 --> 01:44:04.399
Yes.
01:44:04.560 --> 01:44:05.039
Yes.
01:44:05.199 --> 01:44:08.000
So dog shit is not technically that far off.
01:44:08.239 --> 01:44:10.880
And I'm seeing a gap in the market, my friend.
01:44:11.039 --> 01:44:15.119
Between all three of us, we can corner the market.
01:44:15.600 --> 01:44:18.239
We've got to start feeding our dogs poor bones.
01:44:18.479 --> 01:44:24.000
Because dog shit stopped turning white in like the 2000s, if I remember correctly.
01:44:24.720 --> 01:44:30.399
Listen, there are chemical treatments, and we could name it something like Purina something.
01:44:30.560 --> 01:44:31.520
So we're not lying.
01:44:31.600 --> 01:44:35.439
We'll be like, yeah, it's derived from Purina.
01:44:35.600 --> 01:44:37.760
It's Yeah, I was right.
01:44:38.159 --> 01:44:41.359
It stopped turning white by the late 1990s.
01:44:41.680 --> 01:44:43.680
By the late 1900s.
01:44:44.159 --> 01:44:46.239
By the late 1900s.
01:44:47.039 --> 01:44:52.479
Because we stopped putting that much calcium like ground up bone in their food.
01:44:52.720 --> 01:44:53.439
Fascinating.
01:44:53.680 --> 01:44:55.359
Which is surprising to me.
01:44:55.600 --> 01:44:57.039
That's why they love bones.
01:44:57.279 --> 01:44:58.000
Probably.
01:44:58.239 --> 01:45:01.520
It's the dog equivalent of a gram cracker for fiber.
01:45:02.079 --> 01:45:02.960
My god.
01:45:04.560 --> 01:45:05.920
And full circle.
01:45:06.079 --> 01:45:06.880
You're welcome.
01:45:07.199 --> 01:45:08.880
I was just gonna say that.
01:45:11.520 --> 01:45:15.760
And that brings us to the end of our main exhibits, but not the end of our tour.
01:45:15.920 --> 01:45:19.199
I highly recommend everyone wash their hands and possibly their retinas.
01:45:19.439 --> 01:45:23.520
We're now going to be moving to the interactive exhibit wing.
01:45:23.920 --> 01:45:28.560
I think by now we all know there's always some catastrophe unfolding in the middle of the museum.
01:45:28.640 --> 01:45:30.479
It happens around here every day.
01:45:30.800 --> 01:45:36.079
Tara, earlier we established that your hiring process today was highly expedited.
01:45:36.319 --> 01:45:40.720
Well while you were loitering by the loading dock, a new crate was delivered to the museum.
01:45:40.880 --> 01:45:44.960
The problem is our dear interns completely lost the shipping manifest.
01:45:45.199 --> 01:45:50.159
So we have a brand new artifact sitting in quarantine, but absolutely zero provenance.
01:45:50.319 --> 01:45:53.760
In other words, we have no idea what it is.
01:45:54.159 --> 01:45:59.039
Which brings us to our first interactive exhibit of the tour, the Lost Exhibit.
01:45:59.439 --> 01:46:04.720
Tara, as our guest curator, it is your job to tell the board of directors what they just bought.
01:46:04.960 --> 01:46:10.720
I'm going to slide a photograph of this completely unlabeled, highly questionable artifact across the table to you.
01:46:10.960 --> 01:46:16.720
You have to completely fabricate its history, its presumed purpose, and its cultural significance.
01:46:16.880 --> 01:46:23.439
You must confidently pitch us the absolute bullshit history of this item as if it were absolute fact.
01:46:23.680 --> 01:46:32.159
Once you have fully committed to your lie, I will reveal the actual fully unhinged truth about what this thing really is and what the fuck it was actually used for.
01:46:32.319 --> 01:46:38.319
And so you can have some time to think about it, but you can scroll down and look at the picture of whatever the fuck that thing is.
01:46:38.960 --> 01:46:40.239
Feel free to describe it.
01:46:40.479 --> 01:46:43.119
It uh looks like a bullet vibrator.
01:46:43.359 --> 01:46:47.760
Ummediately where my mind went as well.
01:46:48.319 --> 01:46:49.760
Absolutely does.
01:46:50.239 --> 01:46:57.039
Uh, it is a um gold cylindrical, almost pill-shaped.
01:46:57.279 --> 01:47:03.680
There's a little loop on the top, as if it goes onto like a necklace or a string of some sort.
01:47:04.479 --> 01:47:04.800
Okay.
01:47:06.479 --> 01:47:09.119
I believe this is the Bourner's vial.
01:47:09.279 --> 01:47:14.399
Supposedly it originated in Victorian England during the mid to late 1800s.
01:47:14.880 --> 01:47:29.119
Usually a cloth or a tiny piece of cotton was uh exposed to the person's person who had passed their clothing, their bedding, their perfume, tobacco, or whatever scent family members most strongly associated with them.
01:47:29.439 --> 01:47:38.319
Uh, it was then sealed inside the brass cylinder and worn as a pendant because brass tarnishes and reacts to years of handling.
01:47:38.479 --> 01:47:45.119
Uh, surviving examples supposedly developed the darkened, uneven finish seen here in this photo.
01:47:45.439 --> 01:47:54.800
So obviously, the presumed purpose was to um, of course, keep a loved one, their memory, and their scent alive.
01:47:55.439 --> 01:48:06.159
And today the mourner's vial would be interpreted and interpreted as an example of the Victorian attempt to make grief physical or something that you would hold their ashes in.
01:48:06.560 --> 01:48:08.239
Was that your final answer?
01:48:08.560 --> 01:48:10.239
Well, that is my final answer.
01:48:10.560 --> 01:48:12.640
That was a beautiful and compelling lie.
01:48:12.800 --> 01:48:16.720
However, the truth is significantly more traumatic.
01:48:16.960 --> 01:48:22.720
What you are looking at is an 1854 medical device invented by Dr.
01:48:22.880 --> 01:48:24.239
Alpheus Myers.
01:48:24.399 --> 01:48:27.359
It is quite literally a tapeworm trap.
01:48:27.680 --> 01:48:28.239
What?
01:48:28.479 --> 01:48:40.560
In the 19th century, tapeworms were a massive public health issue, partly because Victorian women were actually buying and swallowing pill capsules filled with dormant tapeworm cysts as a miracle weight loss trend.
01:48:40.720 --> 01:48:42.239
Sign me the fuck up.
01:48:42.560 --> 01:48:44.720
Right where do I get one?
01:48:46.720 --> 01:48:52.880
But eventually, you need the twenty foot parasite out of your body, and traditional medicines rarely worked.
01:48:53.039 --> 01:48:58.880
So doctor Myers decided to treat the human digestive tract like a rat problem in a pizza hut basement.
01:48:59.359 --> 01:49:05.840
The device in the photo is a small hollow metal capsule attached to a long, durable string, so you're close.
01:49:07.039 --> 01:49:11.199
It has little windows cut into the side and a spring loaded mechanism inside.
01:49:11.279 --> 01:49:15.600
The doctor would take a piece of cheese or raw meat and place it inside the cylinder.
01:49:15.760 --> 01:49:21.680
The fasting patient would then swallow the trap, leaving the long string hanging out of their mouth for days.
01:49:21.920 --> 01:49:30.159
Eventually, the starving tapeworm would smell the cheese, crawl up the digestive tract, and stick its head through the tiny metal window to get a bite.
01:49:30.399 --> 01:49:37.039
The second it disturbed the bait, the spring-loaded trap would snap shut, tightly trapping the tapeworm by the neck.
01:49:37.279 --> 01:49:39.840
I mean, tapeworms are just all neck.
01:49:40.239 --> 01:49:41.920
Right, yeah, which neck?
01:49:42.880 --> 01:49:55.520
Then the doctor would grab the string, and like the world's most horrifying game of deep-sea fishing, slowly pull the metal trap and the attached thrashing tapeworm back up the patient's stomach, up the esophagus, and out of their mouth.
01:49:57.199 --> 01:49:58.880
People are so creative.
01:50:04.960 --> 01:50:07.760
If you add the cheesy, it'll go down easy.
01:50:11.039 --> 01:50:15.439
In that wild though, that's a thing we actually did.
01:50:16.079 --> 01:50:31.359
I mean, with with this specific uh exhibit list of episode uh daily bobs, none of it actually surprises me because uh medical quote unquote devices formulas are are still just as ridiculous.
01:50:33.520 --> 01:50:35.119
What was your first guess, Lindsay?
01:50:35.279 --> 01:50:39.039
Well, Bullet Vibrator was absolutely first and foremost.
01:50:39.279 --> 01:50:43.279
Uh but I I didn't formulate a thought.
01:50:43.359 --> 01:50:48.079
I was too busy listening to Tara because that sounded so legitimate.
01:50:48.399 --> 01:50:50.640
Like I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:50:50.880 --> 01:50:52.159
All that makes focus sense.
01:50:52.239 --> 01:50:53.199
It has to be what it is.
01:50:53.279 --> 01:50:55.680
I'm the most gullible person on the planet.
01:50:56.800 --> 01:50:59.840
You could have told me that that was fact, and I'd be like, absolutely.
01:51:00.000 --> 01:51:04.880
She is so well educated on this specific not vibrator.
01:51:07.119 --> 01:51:07.680
Yeah.
01:51:08.159 --> 01:51:09.760
Alright, moving on down the hall.
01:51:10.000 --> 01:51:12.720
Are you guys ready for our next exhibit?
01:51:13.039 --> 01:51:13.600
Yeah.
01:51:14.159 --> 01:51:14.800
Yeah.
01:51:17.680 --> 01:51:23.920
This one is called Oddity or Fraudity, and I need both of you to step up to the glass.
01:51:24.159 --> 01:51:26.960
Tonight's theme was strange cures and questionable remedies.
01:51:27.119 --> 01:51:29.279
I prepared two final exhibits for you.
01:51:29.439 --> 01:51:36.479
One of these exhibits is an absolute 100% genuine medical procedure that respected doctors actually performed on people.
01:51:36.800 --> 01:51:38.079
That is our oddity.
01:51:38.399 --> 01:51:43.119
The other exhibit is complete and utter fiction that I made up in my kitchen.
01:51:43.359 --> 01:51:44.880
That is our fraudity.
01:51:45.439 --> 01:51:48.159
I'm going to pitch both of these to you.
01:51:48.880 --> 01:51:52.880
You two will deliberate, argue, and ultimately lock in your guesses.
01:51:53.039 --> 01:51:55.359
If you get it right, you win my fleeting respect.
01:51:55.680 --> 01:51:59.680
If you get it wrong, you're on the train duty for the quarantine ring.
01:52:00.640 --> 01:52:01.600
Are you ready?
01:52:02.560 --> 01:52:03.199
Yes.
01:52:04.079 --> 01:52:05.840
Here is Exhibit A.
01:52:06.319 --> 01:52:08.560
The Live Pigeon Slippers.
01:52:10.000 --> 01:52:11.359
Foot Pigeons.
01:52:12.239 --> 01:52:23.600
In the 17th and 18th centuries, if a patient was suffering from severe life-threatening fever meningitis or the buponic plague, doctors believed the deadly vapors of the disease were trapped in the brain.
01:52:23.840 --> 01:52:28.960
They followed the medical theory of sympathetic magic, meaning to draw the fever out.
01:52:29.119 --> 01:52:31.359
They needed a biological magnet.
01:52:31.680 --> 01:52:38.479
Specifically, something with an incredibly high, natural body heat to pull the corrupt humours away from the head.
01:52:38.800 --> 01:52:40.079
Enter the pigeon.
01:52:40.560 --> 01:52:49.680
The doctor would take a live pigeon, slice it completely in half down the middle, and immediately strap the warm, bloody halves of the bird directly to the bare soles of the patient's feet.
01:52:49.920 --> 01:52:57.279
They believed the frantically fleeting life force and extreme heat of the bird would literally suck the fever down through the body and out through the toes.
01:52:58.399 --> 01:52:59.840
And here's the wildest part.
01:53:00.000 --> 01:53:02.319
It wasn't even just a one and done.
01:53:02.479 --> 01:53:06.880
The doctors would leave the meat strapped to the feet until it cooled down and started to smell.
01:53:07.119 --> 01:53:14.079
They genuinely believed the pigeon flesh was rotting because it was successfully absorbing the patient's toxic plague vapours.
01:53:14.319 --> 01:53:19.760
Once it was full of poison, they'd toss it in the fire, slice open a fresh one, and strap it on.
01:53:20.000 --> 01:53:24.159
A severely ill patient could go through an entire flock of birds in a single weekend.
01:53:24.560 --> 01:53:27.680
This wasn't some fringe back alley folk remedy, either.
01:53:27.840 --> 01:53:31.279
It was standard premium medical practice for the royal family.
01:53:31.920 --> 01:53:46.880
Samuel Peppies famously documented it in his diary in 1668, noting that the royal physicians desperately applied pigeons to the feet of King Charles II's wife, Queen Catherine, when she fell into a severe fever-induced coma.
01:53:47.680 --> 01:53:53.680
And if you couldn't afford pigeons, the medical text happily suggested that you slice a live puppy in half instead.
01:53:54.960 --> 01:53:56.079
That was Exhibit A.
01:53:56.239 --> 01:53:57.439
This is Exhibit B.
01:53:57.760 --> 01:53:59.119
Bovine Flux Paste.
01:53:59.600 --> 01:54:05.439
In the 1700s, one of the absolute most terrifying and common ways to die was from severe dysentery.
01:54:05.760 --> 01:54:08.880
Colloquially known at the time as the bloody flux.
01:54:08.960 --> 01:54:15.760
It swept through cities and military camps, and doctors were completely desperate for a cure that would bind the bowels and kill the infection.
01:54:16.239 --> 01:54:21.199
Enter a premium highly expensive remedy that apothecaries whipped up for the elite.
01:54:21.359 --> 01:54:28.079
Doctors at the time believed that the key to stopping the flux was a heavy duty combination of rare animal byproducts and earth metals.
01:54:28.239 --> 01:54:33.920
First, they would extract large gallstones from slaughtered dairy cows and grind them down into a fine chalky powder.
01:54:34.079 --> 01:54:40.159
They believed the gallstone powder would act as a natural stool hardener and would help alleviate the patient's constant diarrhea.
01:54:40.479 --> 01:54:44.560
But you couldn't just swallow a spoonful of dry stone dust, as we learned earlier.
01:54:44.800 --> 01:54:54.000
To get it down, the apothecary would mix the powdered cow gallstones with thick, rendered beaver grease, specifically chosen to lubricate and coat the torn stomach lining.
01:54:54.159 --> 01:55:04.159
Then because it's the 1700s and they loved a heavy metal, they folded in liquid mercury to purge the infection, and a massive dose of raw opium to stop the stomach cramps.
01:55:04.479 --> 01:55:12.239
The apothecary would roll this horrific mixture of cowstones, beaver fat, mercury, and opium into a delicious, heavy, greasy paste.
01:55:12.399 --> 01:55:22.399
The patient had to swallow this nightmare every six hours until the dysentery stopped, which given the heavy metals and the narcotics usually just meant they slipped into a quiet, deeply toxic coma.
01:55:22.640 --> 01:55:23.600
So there you have it.
01:55:23.840 --> 01:55:28.159
Exhibit A, slapping half a warm bloody pigeon onto your bare feet to draw out a fever.
01:55:28.399 --> 01:55:34.079
Exhibit B, swallowing a rancid glob made of powdered cowstones, beaver grease, mercury, and opium to cure dysentery.
01:55:34.319 --> 01:55:38.640
Tara, Lindsay, which one is the oddity and which one is the fraudity?
01:55:39.840 --> 01:55:50.319
Based on what I have heard, learned, found out within this podcast about humans, both of those are incredibly plausible.
01:55:51.439 --> 01:55:58.319
I don't think I'm going to be able to dis determine this through the facts given within these exhibits.
01:55:58.479 --> 01:56:02.800
I think I'm going to have to go deeper and psychoanalyze you.
01:56:03.199 --> 01:56:03.520
Oh.
01:56:04.239 --> 01:56:04.960
Gavin.
01:56:05.680 --> 01:56:09.760
I will think while Tara disturbs your psyche a bit.
01:56:10.079 --> 01:56:10.800
What do you think, Tara?
01:56:10.960 --> 01:56:14.319
Is it exhibit A or Is it Exhibit B?
01:56:14.800 --> 01:56:18.000
Which one is the oddity and which one is the fraudity?
01:56:18.560 --> 01:56:34.079
I don't know why, but for some reason I'm leaning towards exhibit A just because cutting open pigeons and sticking them on your feet, like legit after everything we've learned tonight, I feel is kind of on brand.
01:56:35.279 --> 01:56:36.159
That's a very good guess.
01:56:36.319 --> 01:56:37.520
What about you, Lindsay?
01:56:38.000 --> 01:56:42.560
I mean, they ate dog shit, and now they're putting dead birds on their feet.
01:56:43.199 --> 01:56:44.399
Times were wild.
01:56:46.479 --> 01:56:54.560
I was also leaning towards exhibit A s also the part where you mentioned royalty got me.
01:56:54.960 --> 01:56:56.640
Because yes, it was fucked up.
01:56:56.800 --> 01:56:57.920
That is all fucked up.
01:56:58.000 --> 01:57:05.359
And you and I also, but yeah, you and I also have this thing about pigeons, so you might be doing this just to fuck with me.
01:57:06.800 --> 01:57:08.479
She is psychoanalyzing me.
01:57:09.359 --> 01:57:18.239
But I just feel yeah, like I mean, I've listened to enough of of this podcast that to like know how wild and crazy shit is on here.
01:57:18.479 --> 01:57:24.560
And I feel like the bovine flux paste is just like too much?
01:57:24.720 --> 01:57:25.439
Is it too much?
01:57:25.600 --> 01:57:25.840
Yeah.
01:57:26.399 --> 01:57:27.520
That's what I thought too.
01:57:28.000 --> 01:57:31.199
I'm like, hmm, this could actually be like a real thing, but then I'm like, mmm.
01:57:31.600 --> 01:57:34.640
But wearing pigeons as slippers isn't too much.
01:57:35.119 --> 01:57:35.680
Royalty.
01:57:36.079 --> 01:57:37.039
Or puppies.
01:57:38.079 --> 01:57:39.039
That's another thing.
01:57:39.199 --> 01:57:40.960
I don't think you would put in puppy.
01:57:41.119 --> 01:57:45.039
Honestly, I know how much you love dogs.
01:57:45.760 --> 01:57:47.279
I love this so much.
01:57:47.680 --> 01:57:52.560
And when you delivered that line, I was aghast, and you did not even react.
01:57:52.720 --> 01:57:54.159
You just said puppies.
01:57:54.479 --> 01:57:56.000
Like it was no problem.
01:57:56.880 --> 01:57:57.279
Yep.
01:57:57.520 --> 01:57:59.439
Alright, lock in your answers, ladies.
01:58:00.079 --> 01:58:01.119
I'm going with A.
01:58:01.199 --> 01:58:02.720
I'm going with pigeon feet.
01:58:03.520 --> 01:58:09.600
I think I'm gonna go with A as well, simply only, because of the royalty thing.
01:58:09.760 --> 01:58:12.720
And then with the bovine thing, it's too complicated.
01:58:13.199 --> 01:58:14.079
That's too much.
01:58:14.560 --> 01:58:16.479
There's too many ingredients in that.
01:58:17.039 --> 01:58:19.520
Well, the answer is exhibit A.
01:58:19.840 --> 01:58:21.600
Exhibit A is the oddity.
01:58:22.000 --> 01:58:25.439
Yay! The live pigeon slippers.
01:58:26.560 --> 01:58:27.680
Jesus Christ.
01:58:27.840 --> 01:58:29.199
It's still horrible.
01:58:29.439 --> 01:58:35.760
It's and the fraudity is obviously exhibit B, the bovine flux paste.
01:58:35.920 --> 01:58:36.640
Complete fiction.
01:58:36.960 --> 01:58:41.680
But this is the brilliant kind of fake because every single ingredient is historically plausible.
01:58:41.920 --> 01:58:47.279
18th century doctors actually use bezors, animal stomach stones, to absorb poison.
01:58:47.520 --> 01:58:53.680
Castorium, beaver gland secretions, for headaches, and mercury and opium for literally everything.
01:58:54.000 --> 01:58:55.119
So good job, ladies.
01:58:55.199 --> 01:58:56.239
You chose correctly.
01:58:56.960 --> 01:59:02.239
Another bit, you said you came up with it in the kitchen, and that was very much recipe-like.
01:59:02.720 --> 01:59:09.199
You were probably making something I don't know, a potato wrapped in something, and you're like, ooh.
01:59:09.520 --> 01:59:12.800
I didn't I didn't even put those two together.
01:59:13.119 --> 01:59:22.239
Like in my mind, I was just thinking, like, the bovine flux sounds like it could actually be a real thing, but of course Gavin was like, it's not gonna be that easy.
01:59:22.479 --> 01:59:23.119
Right.
01:59:25.359 --> 01:59:26.159
Well, perfect.
01:59:26.319 --> 01:59:27.520
Did you enjoy that?
01:59:27.840 --> 01:59:28.640
Uh I did.
01:59:28.800 --> 01:59:30.239
I'm I'm disturbed.
01:59:30.880 --> 01:59:31.840
And so quickly.
01:59:31.920 --> 01:59:34.239
Like that was the quickest exhibits we've ever done.
01:59:34.399 --> 01:59:34.880
I love you.
01:59:35.600 --> 01:59:36.319
Poor puppies.
01:59:36.720 --> 01:59:37.680
Poor puppies, yeah.
01:59:37.760 --> 01:59:39.119
That means the puppy part's true.
01:59:39.279 --> 01:59:40.159
Sorry, guys.
01:59:40.479 --> 01:59:41.760
Fucking royalty.
01:59:41.920 --> 01:59:43.039
Weirdest shit.
01:59:43.279 --> 01:59:51.199
And with that deeply cursed mental image securely lodged in everyone's brain, I think it's officially time to explore our last interactive exhibit on the tour.
01:59:51.359 --> 01:59:52.560
The suggestion box.
01:59:52.720 --> 01:59:55.199
And Lindsay is gonna walk us through that one.
01:59:55.520 --> 01:59:56.079
Yes.
01:59:56.319 --> 02:00:03.840
So before we completely lock the quarantine doors and let Tara escape, it's time to check the suggestion box on our way out.
02:00:04.079 --> 02:00:07.760
Today we're taking a look at our peers in the curation industry.
02:00:07.920 --> 02:00:13.520
It takes a lot of time, money, and historical preservation to run a world-class museum.
02:00:13.680 --> 02:00:18.800
And yet, people will still find a way to go on the internet and completely drag them.
02:00:19.119 --> 02:00:29.680
So I have pulled actual, 100% verified, one-star reviews left by real human beings for the most famous museums on Earth.
02:00:29.920 --> 02:00:37.840
Gavin, Tara, I'm going to read you the exact review, and you two have to guess what museum they're complaining about.
02:00:38.239 --> 02:00:39.439
Oh, I love this.
02:00:39.600 --> 02:00:40.800
I love a good hater.
02:00:41.039 --> 02:00:42.800
All right, Lindsay, hit us.
02:00:43.119 --> 02:00:44.000
Alright.
02:00:44.399 --> 02:00:45.840
Review number one.
02:00:46.560 --> 02:00:50.880
The main painting is incredibly small, and the woman looks very smug.
02:00:51.119 --> 02:00:54.720
Also, it was completely filled with TikTok influencers.
02:00:55.039 --> 02:00:55.840
One star.
02:00:56.800 --> 02:01:00.159
Um painting isn't gonna be smug.
02:01:00.640 --> 02:01:01.840
Is it Mona Lisa?
02:01:02.159 --> 02:01:02.800
That's my guess.
02:01:03.279 --> 02:01:04.000
Final guess?
02:01:04.239 --> 02:01:05.680
I don't know where she lives, though.
02:01:06.000 --> 02:01:08.079
Yeah, it's the Mona Lisa, but wherever she is.
02:01:09.920 --> 02:01:11.439
I'm going with Mona Lisa.
02:01:12.079 --> 02:01:13.439
Alright, I'll accept it.
02:01:13.680 --> 02:01:14.800
You are correct.
02:01:15.039 --> 02:01:19.760
This was complaining about the Mona Lisa, and it is in the Louvre in Paris.
02:01:20.640 --> 02:01:22.319
Very small, apparently.
02:01:22.720 --> 02:01:24.239
Very, very small.
02:01:24.560 --> 02:01:26.399
And the woman looks very smug.
02:01:27.119 --> 02:01:33.760
Imagine a one-star review for one of the most distinguished masterpieces ever created.
02:01:34.239 --> 02:01:35.039
That's wild word.
02:01:35.279 --> 02:01:36.720
And you know what?
02:01:36.800 --> 02:01:38.239
It was small and TikTok.
02:01:41.760 --> 02:01:42.640
It's funny.
02:01:42.960 --> 02:01:43.760
Alright.
02:01:44.000 --> 02:01:44.800
Number two.
02:01:45.039 --> 02:01:45.840
Number two.
02:01:46.960 --> 02:01:48.319
Review number two.
02:01:48.720 --> 02:01:50.960
This one is incredibly blunt.
02:01:51.359 --> 02:01:53.439
Worst aquarium ever.
02:01:53.760 --> 02:01:54.640
One star.
02:01:55.199 --> 02:01:57.840
Uh is that the Seattle aquarium?
02:01:58.880 --> 02:02:00.720
That was my thought too.
02:02:01.039 --> 02:02:03.760
Is it the blue zoo and the Northtown Mall?
02:02:04.479 --> 02:02:05.439
Oh my god, yeah.
02:02:10.640 --> 02:02:13.119
Well, I think I'm gonna I'm gonna go with Seattle.
02:02:13.439 --> 02:02:14.640
Yeah, Seattle.
02:02:14.880 --> 02:02:15.279
Seattle.
02:02:15.600 --> 02:02:17.439
They didn't give us a lot of clues here.
02:02:18.079 --> 02:02:23.119
Well, keep in mind that these are distinguished uh historical places.
02:02:23.439 --> 02:02:23.840
That's fair.
02:02:24.000 --> 02:02:29.119
And so this belonged to the new Bedford Whaling Museum in Massachusetts.
02:02:29.680 --> 02:02:37.920
It's a history museum about whaling ships, and they were just absolutely furious that there were no live fish presents.
02:02:40.319 --> 02:02:41.600
I'd be pissed off at that time.
02:02:41.920 --> 02:02:43.039
I mean, I get it.
02:02:43.439 --> 02:02:48.960
Probably cost$32 in where the goddamn fish at.
02:02:49.119 --> 02:02:50.159
This place is bullshit.
02:02:50.239 --> 02:02:52.479
It's probably 20 bucks for a corndog.
02:02:55.520 --> 02:02:56.479
Alright.
02:02:56.720 --> 02:03:00.399
Let's move on to review number three.
02:03:00.640 --> 02:03:05.439
My boyfriend got yelled at by a security card just for pointing at a spoon.
02:03:05.680 --> 02:03:06.560
One star.
02:03:07.039 --> 02:03:09.119
Um a spoon.
02:03:09.760 --> 02:03:11.600
Maybe the Titanic Museum.
02:03:11.840 --> 02:03:12.479
Oh yeah.
02:03:12.720 --> 02:03:14.000
Titanic Museum.
02:03:14.319 --> 02:03:17.680
Where would a spoon be on display?
02:03:18.079 --> 02:03:19.760
I know that's what I'm trying to think of.
02:03:19.840 --> 02:03:21.760
Like Is it a cocaine spoon?
02:03:22.000 --> 02:03:23.039
The Smithsonian.
02:03:23.119 --> 02:03:23.439
I don't know.
02:03:23.520 --> 02:03:25.279
I'm going with Smithsonian.
02:03:26.399 --> 02:03:28.880
Or will Fuck, I don't yeah, I don't know.
02:03:28.960 --> 02:03:30.319
I'm that's my best guess.
02:03:30.560 --> 02:03:32.000
I'm gonna go with the Met.
02:03:32.319 --> 02:03:34.319
Tara, you are in fact correct.
02:03:34.479 --> 02:03:38.159
The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.
02:03:38.399 --> 02:03:38.880
Good for you.
02:03:38.960 --> 02:03:40.000
I'm an idiot.
02:03:40.319 --> 02:03:41.199
Good for you.
02:03:43.760 --> 02:03:45.840
Elmo doesn't like this game.
02:03:46.880 --> 02:03:48.479
Elmo could shut the fuck up.
02:03:48.720 --> 02:03:51.439
Elmo should have been in bed four hours ago.
02:03:54.560 --> 02:03:57.119
All right, review number four.
02:03:57.439 --> 02:03:58.800
Total disappointment.
02:03:58.960 --> 02:04:04.479
The film, not at the museum, really embellished the place, and the reality is quite different.
02:04:04.800 --> 02:04:05.600
One star.
02:04:05.920 --> 02:04:08.640
Okay, this one has to be a Smithsonian.
02:04:11.680 --> 02:04:13.359
I'm gonna be incredibly disappointed in the Mm.
02:04:15.680 --> 02:04:18.319
Well, um, I hate to tell you this.
02:04:18.479 --> 02:04:21.039
The Smithsonian in Washington, D.C.
02:04:22.079 --> 02:04:23.760
is not applicable here.
02:04:24.000 --> 02:04:27.760
This is the American Museum of Natural History in New York, D.C.
02:04:28.239 --> 02:04:29.439
Oh, fuck me.
02:04:30.000 --> 02:04:32.159
We need to watch that movie again, I guess.
02:04:32.319 --> 02:04:36.960
And shockingly, um I didn't I didn't realize this had to be explained.
02:04:37.119 --> 02:04:40.000
The exhibits do not actually come to life at night.
02:04:40.159 --> 02:04:40.319
No.
02:04:40.640 --> 02:04:44.079
So if you do visit, do not be disappointed.
02:04:45.119 --> 02:04:50.640
Actually, in hindsight, this one-star review, was she allowed in after dark?
02:04:52.399 --> 02:04:53.119
That's fair.
02:04:53.279 --> 02:04:56.319
Because how would she know unless she was there at nighttime?
02:04:56.880 --> 02:04:58.159
Exactly.
02:04:58.640 --> 02:05:02.640
Okay, but also wasn't Night at the Museum the museum and that the Smithsonian?
02:05:02.960 --> 02:05:07.600
The second one, Night at the Museum, those, I believe, was the Smithsonian.
02:05:08.079 --> 02:05:09.439
Ha ha, curveball.
02:05:09.680 --> 02:05:10.239
Trick question.
02:05:10.640 --> 02:05:11.760
Learning so much today.
02:05:13.680 --> 02:05:14.640
Alright.
02:05:15.840 --> 02:05:18.319
Oh, don't click on the wrong spots.
02:05:19.600 --> 02:05:20.560
Alright.
02:05:20.800 --> 02:05:23.439
The last and final review, number five.
02:05:24.079 --> 02:05:29.520
It's literally just a giant warehouse full of things that the British stole from everyone else.
02:05:29.840 --> 02:05:30.640
One star.
02:05:32.479 --> 02:05:34.479
Oh, it's gotta be like a British war museum.
02:05:34.800 --> 02:05:36.079
The British Museum.
02:05:37.279 --> 02:05:38.239
The British Museum.
02:05:38.479 --> 02:05:42.159
They're the ones who stole everything from the Egyptians.
02:05:43.359 --> 02:05:44.239
Davin?
02:05:44.640 --> 02:05:52.560
As weird as it sounds, the British Museum in London is the factual establishment.
02:05:53.520 --> 02:05:56.399
That's good because my other option was the Lerv.
02:05:57.279 --> 02:05:58.079
The Lerve.
02:05:58.560 --> 02:05:59.840
How the fuck you say that?
02:05:59.920 --> 02:06:00.560
I don't know.
02:06:01.359 --> 02:06:01.760
Nope.
02:06:02.079 --> 02:06:02.640
The Lerve.
02:06:02.960 --> 02:06:04.880
It's the Lerv from now on.
02:06:07.199 --> 02:06:11.039
You guys want to go check out that one tiny little bitch in the Lerv?
02:06:14.640 --> 02:06:15.600
That was pretty good.
02:06:15.680 --> 02:06:16.159
I like that.
02:06:16.399 --> 02:06:17.359
I like that one.
02:06:17.439 --> 02:06:18.399
That's fun.
02:06:18.880 --> 02:06:20.560
The aquarium one caught me.
02:06:22.079 --> 02:06:25.359
It's a shipping museum, and they're like, where the fucking fish hat?
02:06:25.520 --> 02:06:27.279
This place is bullshit.
02:06:28.079 --> 02:06:30.479
How can they even call it an aquarium then?
02:06:30.640 --> 02:06:34.960
It should just be like the historical ship museum.
02:06:35.920 --> 02:06:39.119
They've got like a goldfish tank in the lobby.
02:06:42.000 --> 02:06:46.159
I'm gonna go to a pet cemetery and be like, worst pet shop ever.
02:06:49.680 --> 02:06:53.039
Oh we call that Northwest Seed and Pet around here.
02:06:53.520 --> 02:06:55.199
That's our local aquarium, yeah.
02:06:56.560 --> 02:06:57.199
It is true.
02:06:57.279 --> 02:07:00.000
I used to go there and look at all the fishies and the toitles.
02:07:01.359 --> 02:07:06.399
I still visit, but now I daydream about all the plants that I should have, but don't.
02:07:06.640 --> 02:07:07.119
I know.
02:07:07.439 --> 02:07:09.680
And then I have to stay away from the ferrets.
02:07:11.199 --> 02:07:12.399
They do stink though.
02:07:12.560 --> 02:07:16.239
If per if ferrets didn't smell so bad, I would probably have a few.
02:07:16.399 --> 02:07:17.119
But they stink.
02:07:17.439 --> 02:07:19.199
Well, and they have to have a partner.
02:07:19.279 --> 02:07:20.239
You can't have just one.
02:07:20.319 --> 02:07:21.039
You have to have two.
02:07:21.600 --> 02:07:22.000
Yep.
02:07:22.960 --> 02:07:26.479
And also my cat would be a little too excited, I am sure of it.
02:07:27.680 --> 02:07:28.560
That's fair.
02:07:28.640 --> 02:07:36.880
Well, with that, ladies and gentlemen, and anyone currently reconsidering their trust in the medical profession, the historical medical exhibit doors are officially locked.
02:07:36.960 --> 02:07:39.760
You can now remove your PPE your PPE.
02:07:40.159 --> 02:07:41.439
Why can I say that?
02:07:42.399 --> 02:07:43.840
Don't remove your PPE.
02:07:44.319 --> 02:07:45.600
Don't remove it.
02:07:45.760 --> 02:07:46.720
You need it.
02:07:47.279 --> 02:07:49.279
You can now remove your PPE.
02:07:49.600 --> 02:07:51.359
That concludes tonight's tour.
02:07:51.680 --> 02:07:53.119
We made it to the end.
02:07:53.279 --> 02:07:56.399
I really wasn't sure if we were ever gonna get here.
02:07:57.439 --> 02:08:01.119
I'm actively Googling how to sue a podcast for emotional distress.
02:08:01.279 --> 02:08:03.279
Consider this my formal resignation.
02:08:03.760 --> 02:08:07.359
HR requires at minimum two weeks' notice, so you're trapped for now.
02:08:07.520 --> 02:08:14.399
But before we release our surviving visitors back into the wild, we should probably take a moment to acknowledge what just transpired in here.
02:08:14.720 --> 02:08:20.000
Yeah, a mandatory debrief is definitely required to unpack the situation that just unfolded.
02:08:20.319 --> 02:08:22.800
What did you guys think of this episode, this tour?
02:08:23.119 --> 02:08:24.800
Oh, this was great.
02:08:25.119 --> 02:08:36.880
I love how it went from like eat bland crackers so you don't self-pollute to sit in a box so that you self-pollute correctly.
02:08:39.840 --> 02:08:42.399
We really went from one extreme to the next.
02:08:42.880 --> 02:08:50.079
And then Gavin moved right into actual literal self-pollution with people just eating dog shit.
02:08:50.640 --> 02:08:52.319
There was definitely some of that.
02:08:55.840 --> 02:08:59.119
I misunderstood the assignment, but I followed the theme.
02:09:00.079 --> 02:09:05.199
And I really think we should bring the fuck box back with some minor mechanical changes.
02:09:05.439 --> 02:09:05.680
Yes.
02:09:05.920 --> 02:09:07.920
But uh I like Survive, personally.
02:09:08.239 --> 02:09:10.159
I mean I'm on board.
02:09:10.479 --> 02:09:13.359
An intimate little space to what was it?
02:09:13.520 --> 02:09:14.479
Ectoplasm.
02:09:14.880 --> 02:09:17.680
Orgasmically connect to the universe.
02:09:17.920 --> 02:09:18.560
Yes.
02:09:20.079 --> 02:09:22.319
Those were the words I was looking for.
02:09:24.560 --> 02:09:26.319
Cosmetic fuck energy.
02:09:26.479 --> 02:09:28.239
I've never gonna forget that.
02:09:30.000 --> 02:09:31.520
Put it on a shirt.
02:09:31.920 --> 02:09:34.319
I was just gonna say I'm gonna put that on a shirt.
02:09:34.560 --> 02:09:40.800
Yeah, we should all get matching shirts to uh to to honor this this partnership this evening.
02:09:40.960 --> 02:09:44.880
Just I'm made out of cosmic fuck energy.
02:09:45.520 --> 02:09:47.600
Some people are made out of stardust.
02:09:47.840 --> 02:09:48.159
Me?
02:09:48.479 --> 02:09:49.920
Cosmic fuck energy.
02:09:51.760 --> 02:09:52.880
Knock knock.
02:09:53.119 --> 02:09:53.840
Who's there?
02:09:54.000 --> 02:09:54.960
Fuck box.
02:09:55.119 --> 02:09:56.319
Fuck box who?
02:09:56.720 --> 02:09:57.279
I don't know.
02:09:57.359 --> 02:10:00.640
Just come sit in the fuck box so you have the best orgasm possible.
02:10:02.880 --> 02:10:04.800
You should have said fuckbox where?
02:10:05.039 --> 02:10:06.720
Then end of joke.
02:10:08.880 --> 02:10:11.279
Well, Zara, you survived your first shift.
02:10:11.520 --> 02:10:20.079
Before we let you escape back to the safety of the outside world, please tell the tour group where they can find you so that they can properly detox from this experience.
02:10:21.039 --> 02:10:22.479
It's my pleasure.
02:10:22.800 --> 02:10:30.479
And before you lock me in the guest wing and add me to the permanent collection, I just want to say thank you for letting me come play curator for the night.
02:10:30.640 --> 02:10:35.279
I had an absolute blast contributing my own questionable piece to the collection.
02:10:35.520 --> 02:10:44.079
And if anybody listening enjoyed having me here, or you've spent this entire episode thinking, who invited this woman and why do I kind of want more?
02:10:44.239 --> 02:10:46.960
Come hang out with me over at Thick Lies and Murder Vibes.
02:10:47.119 --> 02:10:51.359
New episodes drop every Wednesday, and you can find me wherever podcasts live.
02:10:51.600 --> 02:10:54.880
Gavin and Lindsay, seriously, thank you for having me.
02:10:55.039 --> 02:11:01.439
This was so much fun, and I would happily come back anytime you need someone to lower the professional standards of the auditorium.
02:11:03.199 --> 02:11:08.079
Now please give me my visitor badge back and let me out before somebody turns off the lights.
02:11:08.239 --> 02:11:15.680
Because I was specifically told these exhibits cannot move after dark, and I do not intend to find out whether that was a joke.
02:11:16.079 --> 02:11:17.920
Very nice butt plug.
02:11:18.159 --> 02:11:20.319
Very nice butt plug, yes, yes.
02:11:20.640 --> 02:11:22.560
Nicely done, nicely done.
02:11:23.359 --> 02:11:27.760
But seriously, everyone, go listen to her show immediately.
02:11:28.000 --> 02:11:33.920
It is absolutely fantastic, and it has significantly less fecal medicine.
02:11:34.720 --> 02:11:36.800
Well, that's it for this tour, folks.
02:11:36.960 --> 02:11:39.199
Thank you for joining us at the Oddities Department.
02:11:39.439 --> 02:11:42.640
If you made it all the way through this tour, congratulations.
02:11:42.960 --> 02:11:45.119
You survived a many of things tonight.
02:11:45.359 --> 02:11:47.840
And once again, you didn't throw up.
02:11:48.079 --> 02:11:49.760
Oh, I came very close.
02:11:50.000 --> 02:11:51.840
This tour was very educational.
02:11:52.000 --> 02:11:55.680
I feel like this museum really draws out your true potential.
02:11:56.000 --> 02:12:01.279
In the same way a hot, fleshy, flayed pigeon draws the plague out of your toes.
02:12:01.520 --> 02:12:05.119
Unfortunately, for all of us, the museum is closing for the night.
02:12:05.279 --> 02:12:11.760
But don't worry, we have more strange, disturbing, and historically questionable exhibits waiting for you next time.
02:12:12.079 --> 02:12:17.119
As always, you should be excited and appropriately concerned.
02:12:17.359 --> 02:12:21.600
Because if there's one thing we're genuinely good at, it's finding something weirder for next week.
02:12:21.840 --> 02:12:24.319
The odds are statistically in our favor.
02:12:24.720 --> 02:12:28.239
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review the show wherever you listen.
02:12:28.399 --> 02:12:33.840
It helps all the other weirdos find us, and it helps keep this deeply questionable museum open.
02:12:34.079 --> 02:12:40.479
You can also follow us on Instagram and TikTok for clips, chaos, behind-the-scenes nonsense, and whatever else falls out of the walls.
02:12:40.720 --> 02:12:42.319
We don't ask where it came from.
02:12:42.479 --> 02:12:45.600
We just check the quarantine logs and hope it isn't contagious.
02:12:45.920 --> 02:12:49.840
Alright, let's get out of here before someone else tries to prescribe us something.
02:12:50.079 --> 02:12:51.119
Stay curious.
02:12:51.359 --> 02:12:52.079
Stay weird.
02:12:52.319 --> 02:12:57.760
And whatever you do, be careful what kind of lozages you buy at the apothecary.
02:12:58.079 --> 02:13:00.720
It might just be a fancy chalky dog poo.
02:13:00.960 --> 02:13:06.000
Also, if a doctor comes at your feet with a live pigeon, just run towards the light.
02:13:06.159 --> 02:13:11.359
And if anyone ever tells you they have a brand new way to catch a tapeworm, do not.
02:13:11.680 --> 02:13:16.560
Under any circumstances, let them talk you into swallowing whatever the fuck that was.
02:13:16.800 --> 02:13:18.239
That is how they get you.
02:13:18.399 --> 02:13:19.760
See you next week.
02:13:25.600 --> 02:13:26.800
Very nice harmonized.
02:13:27.119 --> 02:13:28.960
I think we harmonized on the K body.
02:13:29.359 --> 02:13:31.359
Yeah, that was like a B flat.
02:13:31.920 --> 02:13:34.720
Yeah, we be, we do be flat.
02:13:38.720 --> 02:13:39.920
Oh, that was fun.
02:13:40.000 --> 02:13:40.720
I like that.
02:13:42.000 --> 02:13:43.520
Under three hours.
02:13:43.840 --> 02:13:44.399
Under.
02:13:44.560 --> 02:13:47.920
Woo! Tara, you came to the productive.
02:13:48.560 --> 02:13:49.199
Wow.
02:13:50.399 --> 02:13:53.119
It's like my normal bedtime right now.
02:13:53.279 --> 02:13:54.720
I'm astounded.
02:13:56.640 --> 02:14:00.560
God, last time we didn't even get done till what was that, 12:30?
02:14:00.880 --> 02:14:06.640
You sang me a happy birthday in the middle of the Jesus Four Skin exhibit.
02:14:06.880 --> 02:14:07.520
Yep.
02:14:07.760 --> 02:14:08.399
Yeah.
02:14:11.439 --> 02:14:12.399
Whoops.
