Surviving a Personal Apocalypse

WEBVTT

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I vacationed in the eternal for heat
and all I got was this lousy t

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shirt. And this is the done
con done cast, coming to you live

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from the time space spectrum vortex just
outside our home. This is the done

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cohn done cast. Well, Hey, I'M D and I'm Steve and this

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is the done condone cast, where
we're what we are. Were heard and

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we're queer and sometimes we like beer. I can't drink water. For me,

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it doesn't mean I like it in
theory any less. I just can't

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do it. Hey, in practice
alcohol in theory, and practice, of

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course, for fifteen weeks or twelve
st anyway, fifteen weeks of twelve steps.

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One of the two. Yeah,
MEE, hike up our recording volume

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a little bit. There we go. I love it. Yeah, I

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was doing a doing some things that
I called open and I really had to

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hike myself back now because apparently my
ass loud today. But it really makes

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the done kindown cast. Difference is
the when we peel back the curtain and

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talk about production elements. Yes,
absolutely do. That's how we do it.

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Yep. And then I'm going to
go through and I'm going to run

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a noise reduction and then I'm going
to go through, I'm going to run

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a base boost and then I'm going
to go through and I'm going to run

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a compress. I love it,
and then we're going to sound fantastic and

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everyone will be like wow, professional
chef's kiss. Refer to a minute's zero,

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forty five through one hundred and twelve, if you'd like to know exactly

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what we did. Yep, and
we'll do that again at some point later

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and again and again. So it's
Thursday. Steve hasn't worked all week,

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but I had jobs to do.
Him Say I haven't worked all week,

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I just haven't gone to my regular
job. Yes, that's what I mean.

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Yes, yes, no fun thing. I had an unexpected client,

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but tech, which I don't get
too many clients with tech, which,

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just because reasons, I don't advertise
enough for maybe too much, I don't

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know. But yeah, the clientele
is started kind of rolling in since I've

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kind of started up in my social
media game. So was not unhappy about

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it, except for it was the
same week that Steve was on vacation.

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There was stuff we wanted to do
and like had to get pushed aside because,

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you know, clients need to come
in priority for reasons? Yep,

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because money is important and I need
to make money. So yeah, so,

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but that's a basically been our week. We haven't done a whole lot

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outside of just like your normal average
daily Shit, like okay, go to

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store, go get food, go
get things or through dude things. Yep,

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it's a three step program. Three
steps. No, wait, yes,

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how many steps are involved in this
program? Just three, are we

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we had the twelve, we had
the fifteen weeks. We had the three

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steps. So it's like fifteen steps
in fifteen weeks. So like step week.

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There's kind of there you go thing
a week. We have cured you

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of whatever ails you. Yep,
there you go, stamp cured. It's

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it's like meat. Yep, well, you can say because my initials are

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D R D, Dr d.
There it is. There you go.

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It's a thing now because, yeah, so it's Thursday. We're hanging out.

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We've been kind of hanging out,
D you, working on other work

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this week. Then our normal average
every day work. And Yeah, it's

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been kind of a long, good
week. Yeah, it's been. It's

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been pretty good. Yeah, so
this week we wanted to talk a little

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bit about how to survive and apocalypse. Who Sounds Edgy. Well, except

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for it's not the kind of all
see, it's back yacause you know,

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on the done condom cast we're not
a survivor show or not. We are

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survivors show in some ways, but
not that way. When, when you

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know we did the the Promo for
this, I half expected like to get

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a big like, you know,
two hundred listen, bump with the proper

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community and everybody sending pissed off emails. But this isn't about this. Yeah,

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we told you though, yeah,
we did. If you listen,

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if you went past reading hashtags and
actually listening to what was said, and

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you'd be good to go. Yeah, lets you know. I mean we

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promote on tick tocks, in theory, in theory. Yeah. So the

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things we want to talk about is
one to talk about when your support systems

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fall apart, and there can be
a lot of reasons why a support system

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can fall apart. You know,
it's we've been watching a lot of the

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it crowd and they talked about the
the it ecosystem and how everything has to

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be imbalanced, and you know it's
in justest, but having worked in many

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it departments. Yep, and pretty
much here's the thing. If you work

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in an office environment, you understand
this on a real and visceral level.

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Like if you know XYZ person isn't
there, XYZ thing doesn't get done and

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it just spirals out of control.
Yep, and that XYZ person could be

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any given person on that team.
Does not matter. Just yeah, but

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when those support systems die, now
you know if it's your employment, obviously

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people move on from employment. They
go to different places or they get fired

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or they get whatever else. Employment
is terminated somewhere or another. Right.

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You know, when you're dealing with
family, sometimes you're going to be dealing

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with folks that that you know get
divorces or they have some sort of major

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falling out within the family or death, or death or, yeah, dismemberment.

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You know your general dd is that. Is that DND or's that add?

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That's the question. This is accidental
death and dismemberment or is this just

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death and dismemberment? It's you know, I don't think in this particular case

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we really need to distinguish. It's
the same process. It's the same process.

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It does cause a failure of support
systems. Yes, because in most

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cases, if you murder Motherfucker,
it doesn't matter why. You murder the

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motherfucker, allegedly, allegedly, oh, leged, allegedly, murdered, allegedly.

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Yeah, so, yeah, there
are a new numerous ways that a

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support system can fall aparts, and
Steve and I have both experienced this personally

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in our way, for a couple
of times piece, I think, you

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know, just for good times sake. And there you know. There are

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numerous different reasons why this can happen. Factors include like a loss of job,

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relationship death, global pandemics. Actually, yeah, number one listed a

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thing right now for this. Oh
yeah, for mental health concerns. Well,

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no, I was actually making a
joke, but yes, probably so.

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But yeah, the failure of support
systems due to a global pandemic.

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Yeah, you've probably lost tons of
friends because you know, they don't see

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you any more than they do.
Yeah, just just kind of get just

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to twit. To touch on that
for a minute. The relational dynamics for

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pretty much everyone has shifted, right
so, you know, we've heard,

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you know, or read a number
of stories about the increase in divorce rates

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because people are stuck in a house
together and they don't have a buffer zone.

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You know, nobody's leaving to you
know, for people that are able

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to, you know, work from
home or forced to work from home because

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of the pandemic or unemployed, just
the fact that they're home. Yeah,

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I know that first three months the
pandemic. After about month three I was

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like, I'm really glad my husband
is home, but I really wish he

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would go back to work. Well, your wish was granting. Yeah,

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and then I immediately regretted it's it's
like now you should come back. This

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is that cool, but there's a
lot of different things that can factor into

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this and we want to talk a
little about the things that led to the

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failure, the fall apart of our
support systems in previous times in our lives.

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And you know I talk a lot
about my trauma and things like that,

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so I'm pretty much an open book
and I've had two failed marriages,

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I've had my parents went through divorce
as I was going into college. So

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there's been a lot of support system
upheaval in my life and because of that

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it's very hard for me to think
of anyone as permanent in, Yep,

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my life, and you know that
causes all kinds of interesting psychological issues and

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concerns. Yep. But one of
the things that I always try to remind

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myself is that after the flood there
will still be people around. They just

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may not be the people that you
started the flood with, because that's the

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nature of a flood. It sweeps
the people away that have to be swept

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away and it brings New People in, kind of mixes it up, kind

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of like a spicy pie or whatever. You know, Spicy Pie, Spicy

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Pie, that's a spicy people.
Yeah, yeah, you're right. Hell,

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yeah, it's not beer, guys, you just said he can't drink.

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It's a Luk woa Lakha ha ha, but it's it kind of this

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sort of upheaval. When it happens, it kind of feels like somebody turned

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off the gravity machine. You're just
kind of like floating around in space and

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you're like, well, Gee,
I'd really like to talk to so and

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so about such and such thing,
but I can't do that anymore because they're

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going to get mad and yell at
me or they don't want to talk to

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me anymore. Whatever we're saying exist
or they don't exist, and you know

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you have to just kind of like
find your way through those feelings. You

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know, it on top of whatever
grief or loss of from, you know,

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the loss of relationship, whether it
be death through other wise. So

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you know, we have and then, you know, not even talking about

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US stepping back from the spiritual community
in Detroit, specifically because we have a

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lot of people that we consider friends
and even family in that group, and

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just to have to step away,
Yep, because of everything that was going

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on that we we couldn't even deal
with. So it's one of those things

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that you just you have to keep
putting yourself out there and that's very,

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very difficult to do, especially for
introverted people like myself. I know it

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sounds really weird that I'm saying I'm
introverted, but I'm talking to Steven a

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microphone and two monitors right now,
right and a dog, and the dogs

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not even really well, okay,
she's listening now because I said her,

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I said dog, but you know, dog wasn't even really listening. So,

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like, I know that this goes
out to multiple people and could be

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listened to by thousands of people,
but I don't mind. People know my

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shit. It doesn't bother me.
Like, because how can anybody get to

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know me if I don't take that
step and if I'm lonely, then it

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behooves me to take that step,
even if it's going to hurt me again,

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and it probably will, and it
probably will cause some sort of psychological

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trauma or whatever. But, like, how am I supposed to learn anything

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on this planet if I don't take
that time and put myself out there?

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Absolutely, and that's that's where I
am and where I've been. But at

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the same time, like the more
things I see and hear, the more

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I just want to deeply withdraw within
myself and never come out. And as

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an autistic person, that is a
very real thing. When we get under

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a lot of stress, some of
US go nonverbal. I am an individual

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that goes nonverbal when I am under
a great deal of stress, you know.

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And it's not like a lock in
myself in a closet type scenario.

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I don't quite usually have to go
that far unless I'm actually under like physical

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distress, right but you know,
I I do have to kind of hide,

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and so I'm always playing this balancing
act between, you know, how

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much of myself can I put out
there, which, like it's pretty much

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an on off switch for me.
It's like it's either you get everything or

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you get nothing. Good Day,
sir. There's not really an in between

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on that. It's just the way
I am conditioned, and you know there's

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a lot of reasons for that.
I could go into my mass of law

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ASS history about why I am that
way, but there's no point. So

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one of the Steve, put a
bunch of notes out here and we are

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going to kind of like go through
them like we normally do, but I

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think we'll probably spit ball a lot
too, especially because I'm medicated and,

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you know, do my thing.
So let's see here. The emotional impact

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is mitigated by coping strategies, length
of event and ability to anticipate an event

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occurring, and also collateral support networks. So what we're saying here is if

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you find yourself with a loss of
community, one of the first things you

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got to start figuring out is how
you're going to cope with that. When

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I lost some of my spiritual leadership, or I wouldn't even call it spiritual

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leadership, I call it spiritual peership, as I think of everyone as my

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peer. I don't think of anyone
is like kind of higher or lower than

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me. I just know when a
motherfucker knows more than I do, I

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want to go find out what they
know and then once I've kind of got

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them kind of figured out, it's
like, okay, we we're chilling now,

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we can hang, you know,
but hey, now that you've caught

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me up, I appreciate you catching
me up, let's hang. Yeah,

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to to quote, the to quote, the the maximum. They're not any

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smarter than me. They just wade
a book that I haven't Yes, yes,

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yes, and you know, it's
it's very difficult to get through something

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where you don't have that support system
readily at available, at the ready.

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So one of the things that I
do that helps me a great deal is

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I will journal, and I'm a
journal on a blog that is like,

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quote unquote, pseudo private, where
nobody knows the email address that I use

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for it, and I just kind
of go and I write, or I

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may just put it in a Google
doc or I might just write it out

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in a note bad pad that's in
my house. Any I don't really use

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the notepad thing anymore, though,
because previous partners, previous situations, I

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discovered that people do find your things
that you read and actually do take them

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seriously, even when you're not being
serious. So yeah, and that that

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is really a hamper Um. But, and part of my traumatic conditioning is

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to never read anything that isn't mine. Right, right, but I don't

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care if you eat it. Right, but doesn't bother. But, again,

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going back to you, know that
I'm not going to do anything harmful

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to you if I read something your
as yet, cognitively you know that,

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but, like you said, due
to past circumstance, you feel a certain

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way about it, even cognitively,
knowing that it's not a concern. Right,

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same applies to me. Well,
yeah, and like in the particular

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event that I'm thinking of, this
was one of those situations where I had

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left my home to allow other people
to pick up their stuff so that I

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didn't have to be present for it, and they saw this notepad just hanging

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out somewhere and they just started reading
it, and then we're angry at me

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for the rest of time because of
what it said, right, and it's

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like this was a manifestation exercise.
Let me inform you how manifestation works.

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He you go for broke so that
you can just barely EEK by. Yep.

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So also, you know the the
length of time that you were without

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a support group, and this is
been a big one in my particular journey.

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I thought that my lack of support
from this particular group was going to

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be limited. I thought after a
year or two everything's going to cool down,

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some are out, we're all going
to be cool. That was not

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what happened and, as a result, I had to start rebuilding those trusted

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people from scratch, and that takes
a very, very long time. Yep,

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I can't even express how long that
takes. In in that process and

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trying to find people that I could
trust like that, ran across a bunch

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of people that I really could not
trust like that, who really had problems

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being human, really just being normal
human beings like you. Don't fucking spread

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my shit to everybody. You don't. Don't demean me when I'm not in

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the room. You know. I
know I've got my faults, I know

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I've got my problems. I'm pretty
upfront about it. I'm probably the first

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motherfucker to joke with you when you
point out something that's completely absurd about the

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way I act. But we don't
talk about that with others, right.

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You know, if I'm in the
room, yeah, make fun of me,

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that's cool, but if I'm not
in the room, I really don't

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care. Honestly, you say whatever
you want, but don't let it get

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back to me, because if it
gets back to me, it's got to

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get ugly. I'm going to be
unhappy and I'm not going to let you

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know about it. I'm going to
take that out internally because that's the way

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that my mind works and it's kind
of a wonder that I'm still alive today

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because of that. But um it. There's you just have to kind of

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just start rebuilding again and you have
to try to find the people in the

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networks and the things that bring you
that joy. It's not always going to

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be obvious as to who or what
those people or what what those places look

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like. I mean, I refound
my community in a hookah bar, for

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fuck's sake, like, as a
thirty seven, thirty six, thirty seven

242
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year old woman, I found my
community t with a bunch of twenty somethings

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and a hookah bar. That's a
little weird when you think about it.

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I mean like it's a lot weird
when you think about it. But it's

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also a little weird when you think
about it, when some of my peer

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group was in the same peer group
as my daughter. You know, like

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it would be more appropriate for my
daughter to be hanging out with these folks

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then for me to hang out with
these folks. The only one caveat to

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that being that I was an adult
at the time and my daughter was not

250
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right. But you know, you
don't know where that community is going to

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come from, which means that you
have to start checking different places. Like

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another part of that community hung out
at a nightclub, you know, Yep,

253
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I'm not a nightclub goer. I
don't go to night clubs generally,

254
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but it was goth night, so
of course it went to golf night.

255
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All Goth over runs all. Well, it does, it does, it

256
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does when it I have a friend
on facebook and like I don't think frank

257
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would ever listen to this program but
if he did, if he doesn't,

258
00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:07.150
at least like five y'all will be
in on his little joke. Frank's a

259
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bit of he's metal head right,
and so his thing is is that every

260
00:20:11.670 --> 00:20:15.630
time he sees something goth or possibly
goth related, like even some of my

261
00:20:15.750 --> 00:20:21.900
witchcraft posts. He's close this Gotha
Jason. He'll say city club, and

262
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this is to mean that he had
has identified that this piece of media is

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associated somehow with Goth culture. Now, at first I didn't really get it,

264
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but after I got it I just
started finding it funny. And he

265
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does it every single fucking time and
I like I admire the tenacity of this

266
00:20:38.529 --> 00:20:42.650
man, I really do. I'm
like I had a huge crush on him

267
00:20:42.690 --> 00:20:45.529
in high school, to like huge
fucking crush on the kid. He sat

268
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in front of me and geometry class
and I never did well in geometry anyway.

269
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But like it was like and like
understand, he and I spoke like

270
00:20:55.200 --> 00:21:00.000
three words the entire year. He
had the dark hair, light eyes and

271
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the emo kid haircut right I was
rock in my I think that was mullet

272
00:21:06.829 --> 00:21:10.269
time. That might have been mollet
time. We were in the mullet time.

273
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It's hard to say. But like
we never really discussed anything. It

274
00:21:15.990 --> 00:21:23.059
was like it was just one of
those he anny like okay, really,

275
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really, sixteen year old d this
is what you're thinking. All right,

276
00:21:26.299 --> 00:21:30.900
cool, cool, mean he's very
intelligent guy, don't get me wrong,

277
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but like, and I think that's
probably what it was. Is Like,

278
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whenever he did open his mouth to
say something, intelligent shit fell out.

279
00:21:37.289 --> 00:21:41.250
So, as you know, you
know how I am. You've obviously learned

280
00:21:41.289 --> 00:21:44.210
this about me. Intelligent Shit falls
out of somebody's mouth and all the sum

281
00:21:44.210 --> 00:21:48.440
I'm listening. Yep. Yeah,
so if I ever start tuning you out,

282
00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:52.559
it's because I have found that the
conversation that you're having is not stimulating

283
00:21:52.599 --> 00:21:56.920
to my brain and it does not
make the happy the happy flashes heaven.

284
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Yes, yes, Yep, and
so I look for other happy flashes somewhere

285
00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:07.829
else. There you go. So
just to talk about my own apocalypse story

286
00:22:07.910 --> 00:22:17.819
for a SEC pay. So I
was partnered with my first wife at pretty

287
00:22:17.900 --> 00:22:18.900
young age. I mean not,
I know, some people, you know,

288
00:22:18.980 --> 00:22:22.619
get married at fifteen or whatever kind
of shit. We're talking about,

289
00:22:22.619 --> 00:22:26.660
like regular people timelines here. Yeah, so, you know, we got

290
00:22:26.700 --> 00:22:33.089
together I was nineteen, she was
eighteen, and we basically developed a relationship

291
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that for you know, I'm not
pointing any finger of blame or anything like

292
00:22:38.009 --> 00:22:45.880
that, but I won, you
know, unit by unit, alienated every

293
00:22:47.359 --> 00:22:51.680
member of my peer group or of
a member of my friend group in,

294
00:22:52.440 --> 00:22:57.000
you know, in favor of the
relationship. So when the time came for

295
00:22:57.400 --> 00:23:04.670
us to separate, I didn't have
anything. So this, this alienation progressed

296
00:23:04.789 --> 00:23:10.990
even further throughout my adult life to
where it caused, you know, an

297
00:23:11.029 --> 00:23:18.579
alienation of my own family. So
when eventually things got desperate enough to where

298
00:23:18.859 --> 00:23:26.180
I had to leave the state in
order to kind of reset myself, you

299
00:23:26.220 --> 00:23:30.490
know, I took a travel nursing
job in a different state and I was

300
00:23:30.650 --> 00:23:34.569
able to kind of, I guess, you know, get away enough and

301
00:23:34.690 --> 00:23:41.519
rest, just kind of recenter myself
and restart my life. But the fact

302
00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:45.160
the matter is, when I left, I had nothing to leave. At

303
00:23:45.200 --> 00:23:48.240
that point it was just I mean
I had kids, but, you know,

304
00:23:48.279 --> 00:23:53.359
I knew my kids it regardless of
the the personal differences that she and

305
00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:56.869
I had. I know she was
always great with kids. So like that

306
00:23:57.029 --> 00:24:00.950
was never a question. So I
knew that they were taken care of.

307
00:24:02.309 --> 00:24:04.789
So when I left, it was
like I had nothing to call my own,

308
00:24:06.390 --> 00:24:11.779
including like personal possessions. I just
I had a car and I had

309
00:24:11.940 --> 00:24:14.460
some stuff to put in it and
I drove off and that was it.

310
00:24:15.700 --> 00:24:21.180
So that was essentially the loss of
every you know, just throughout the course

311
00:24:21.220 --> 00:24:25.970
of you know, twelve years,
the loss of every social support group,

312
00:24:26.690 --> 00:24:32.049
the loss of every you know,
personal connection and then just finally culminating in

313
00:24:32.170 --> 00:24:36.049
the loss of my last personal connection, that being my now ex wife.

314
00:24:36.890 --> 00:24:45.799
So, although not as traumatic necessarily
as D story, I definitely understand what

315
00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:52.720
it's like to essentially lose everything that
you identify with and then have to rebis

316
00:24:52.910 --> 00:24:59.309
build or build a new community.
So fortunately, at the end of all

317
00:24:59.390 --> 00:25:02.309
that, I was able to you
know, as time went on, I

318
00:25:02.390 --> 00:25:07.980
was able to reconnect with some really, really great friends that I had thought

319
00:25:07.980 --> 00:25:12.619
I had lost along the way that
I ended up really re establishing just top

320
00:25:12.779 --> 00:25:18.660
tier relationships with. Now, you
know, not you know, doing the

321
00:25:18.700 --> 00:25:22.650
call out thing, but you know, like one of my friends I considered

322
00:25:22.690 --> 00:25:25.130
to be one of them. I
probably one of my best friends now at

323
00:25:25.130 --> 00:25:26.210
this point, you know, side
side, for my wife, obviously,

324
00:25:26.690 --> 00:25:32.049
Oh yeah, but for something absolutely
account for a lot, comfortable everything.

325
00:25:32.130 --> 00:25:36.000
Maybe. Hm, you're my one
and only. Now I'm getting do yeah,

326
00:25:36.599 --> 00:25:38.240
yeah, that's how we got here. Yeah, that's how we blasted

327
00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:42.720
out the audio. So I guess
said better turn that down a little.

328
00:25:44.079 --> 00:25:49.000
So so, in my in my
rambling, incoherence, what I'm trying to

329
00:25:49.069 --> 00:26:02.230
get at is when I was completely
automated. I was completely just going to

330
00:26:02.670 --> 00:26:06.140
going to work, you know,
Waking Up, getting ready for work,

331
00:26:06.180 --> 00:26:08.500
going to work, coming home,
going back to sleep, waking up again,

332
00:26:08.579 --> 00:26:12.220
you know, just repeating the cycle, you know, in a number

333
00:26:12.220 --> 00:26:17.819
of different, you know, foreign
cities and a number of different hospitals I've

334
00:26:17.859 --> 00:26:19.089
never worked at, with people I've
never known, which, by the bye.

335
00:26:19.289 --> 00:26:26.609
Yeah, there are exactly eight different
hospital workers and they're all just it's

336
00:26:26.690 --> 00:26:30.490
just Erica type. It's just it's
just a game of Sims. You're just

337
00:26:30.930 --> 00:26:34.559
cutting and pasting different people, sometimes
with exactly the same faces. But we've

338
00:26:34.599 --> 00:26:38.640
talked about that in a previous episode. Yeah, but I just just know

339
00:26:38.799 --> 00:26:42.400
that. And when you you mentioned, you know, office work, and

340
00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:48.950
then you know how one person is
can kind of be the lynchpin of the

341
00:26:48.990 --> 00:26:55.190
whole operation all people and know people
all same time. It's exactly so that.

342
00:26:55.470 --> 00:26:57.829
Yeah, and there's also, you
know, like can there's even fewer

343
00:26:57.910 --> 00:27:02.660
archetypes in an office setting. I
think I've got a clock to five,

344
00:27:02.859 --> 00:27:10.180
but the point is, you I
was able to or through. I guess

345
00:27:10.259 --> 00:27:14.299
it was, you know, some
kind of odd self preservation instinct or whatever,

346
00:27:14.460 --> 00:27:19.009
but I was able to through the
magic of the Internet, I was

347
00:27:19.089 --> 00:27:26.690
able to reach out to people and
find a community in the, you know,

348
00:27:26.809 --> 00:27:33.240
southern Michigan steampunk circles, yeah,
whereby which you and I came together.

349
00:27:33.319 --> 00:27:37.640
Yes, so it's you know,
it's it's weird how things work out,

350
00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:41.319
but they do in some way work
out from time to time. Yeah.

351
00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:49.029
So, yeah, and the understanding
is this rebuilding process is terribly frightening.

352
00:27:49.509 --> 00:27:53.150
Like the thing that people need to
understand when you have lost all support

353
00:27:53.309 --> 00:27:57.700
and you're just grasping, humans are
a communal creature by nature. Yep,

354
00:27:59.460 --> 00:28:03.539
we look for tribalism, we look
for groups and we look for groupings to

355
00:28:03.619 --> 00:28:07.339
group ourselves with, and grouping ourselves
is how we identify parts of who we

356
00:28:07.420 --> 00:28:10.539
are. So like when you lose
your support group, you feel like you're

357
00:28:10.579 --> 00:28:14.849
losing your identity, but you're not
losing your identity. Your identity has been

358
00:28:14.890 --> 00:28:18.130
there and we'll continue to be there
and your identity might be the one thing

359
00:28:18.289 --> 00:28:23.049
that actually saves your ass. So
don't let that fall aside. One of

360
00:28:23.089 --> 00:28:26.440
the things that my therapist had me
to and I know I've discussed this on

361
00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:30.519
the show before, but what like
one of the things that I did and

362
00:28:30.599 --> 00:28:33.640
then told my therapist and he was
like yes, that's great. Was the

363
00:28:33.720 --> 00:28:38.000
regression meditation, and I'm not saying
that's an end I'll be all fix all

364
00:28:38.119 --> 00:28:42.430
type item, but it really does
help you gain perspective on where your head

365
00:28:42.589 --> 00:28:48.349
was at the last time you were
okay, and that's important, especially during

366
00:28:48.630 --> 00:28:55.819
this sort of like breakdown, because
you need to remember who you are before

367
00:28:55.859 --> 00:29:00.339
you can figure out where it is
that you fit, if that makes sense,

368
00:29:00.220 --> 00:29:03.019
because if you don't know who you
are or where you are or what

369
00:29:03.180 --> 00:29:07.339
label is on your forehead that you're
putting there, you don't know where to

370
00:29:07.420 --> 00:29:12.690
shelve yourself. But like a book, leg book, and we're going to

371
00:29:12.730 --> 00:29:17.890
go ahead and pause for a moment
for our lovely advertisement break. So we'll

372
00:29:17.930 --> 00:29:23.720
see on the other side and we're
back. How you do it? Hey,

373
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:26.480
glad to hear you came back.
Yeah, we're really glad. I

374
00:29:27.319 --> 00:29:33.960
hope that advertisement was some enlightening and
life changing awesome. You know, I

375
00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:38.829
keep I keep expecting one day for
it should be something just completely disparate from

376
00:29:38.990 --> 00:29:44.029
everything we represent, like like,
you know, support the geop is like,

377
00:29:44.390 --> 00:29:47.789
wait a minute, what the fuck
just happened now, because you know,

378
00:29:47.990 --> 00:29:52.670
I don't get you saying that.
No, no, we don't know.

379
00:29:52.220 --> 00:29:56.059
It's true. We don't get any
say that else. So if you

380
00:29:56.180 --> 00:30:02.700
hear anything that is advertised, just
know that it is a product of sound

381
00:30:02.700 --> 00:30:07.170
Er fum. Yeah, and not. We have no endorsement of any of

382
00:30:07.210 --> 00:30:11.410
the products or services that may be
advertised, even if our voices are in

383
00:30:11.450 --> 00:30:17.289
the AD. How did that happen? That's fucked up. I'm Steve Done

384
00:30:17.329 --> 00:30:26.240
and I advocate for man. These
deep thinks are getting good. All right,

385
00:30:26.559 --> 00:30:33.880
so scrub the thought out of and
things I was gonna say and just

386
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:38.190
shouldn't. All right, making all
the noises of scrubbing. So, yeah,

387
00:30:38.349 --> 00:30:42.190
so we've been talking about, you
know, how to kind of recover

388
00:30:42.390 --> 00:30:49.460
and rebound from a just a socio
psychological calamity. Really, you know.

389
00:30:49.740 --> 00:30:53.859
Yeah, but the thing I want
to mention, because I feel like we

390
00:30:53.900 --> 00:30:59.619
don't say it enough, is that
if you find yourself in this sign of

391
00:30:59.900 --> 00:31:06.130
this kind of situation, please seek
professional therapeutic help. Yes, don't.

392
00:31:06.130 --> 00:31:08.329
Don't try and do it on your
own. Don't be like well, you

393
00:31:08.450 --> 00:31:12.890
know, the Dunn's had a podcast
about this. We're not license therapists.

394
00:31:14.329 --> 00:31:18.289
We're not therapist. I mean we
can help you, but we're not trying,

395
00:31:18.369 --> 00:31:22.920
not like that. In for those
that may not have the insurance or

396
00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:27.240
anything available to, you know,
get that kind of help. Do Look

397
00:31:27.319 --> 00:31:33.950
into things like sliding scales, because
a lot of places around you have sliding

398
00:31:33.990 --> 00:31:40.069
scales when it comes to mental health. The other thing I would suggests look

399
00:31:40.109 --> 00:31:44.750
in your APPS, like better health, things like that, because those operate

400
00:31:44.869 --> 00:31:49.059
on a sliding scale. To and
some professional is better than no professional in

401
00:31:49.220 --> 00:31:53.539
this particular case. Yes, if
you're really, really desperate, you literally

402
00:31:53.619 --> 00:31:59.420
have no money at all, you
can go on Youtube and find some advice,

403
00:31:59.460 --> 00:32:02.289
I'm kind of how to deal with
things and some coping mechanisms. It

404
00:32:02.849 --> 00:32:06.930
is not going to be as good
as therapy. Let me repeat that again.

405
00:32:06.970 --> 00:32:09.849
It is not going to be as
good as therapy, but it will

406
00:32:09.930 --> 00:32:15.529
help you and it will allow you
to be able to absorb and move on

407
00:32:15.160 --> 00:32:20.160
from your event. Now. Will
it be the best right way? May

408
00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:24.000
Not be, but it will be
something. Yes, so help is good

409
00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:28.759
in this particular case, and even
if that help isn't somebody you personally know,

410
00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:34.630
it's still good. Help is good. We like how yeah, anywhere

411
00:32:34.630 --> 00:32:39.990
you can find some kind of resolve, some kind of inspiration to keep holding

412
00:32:40.029 --> 00:32:46.019
on. I think it is official. Yeah, because it's again, we

413
00:32:46.180 --> 00:32:52.019
are communal creatures. This is the
way of human nature. We want to

414
00:32:52.140 --> 00:32:54.660
have people around us, yes,
and we want to have people around us

415
00:32:54.779 --> 00:33:00.049
that think vaguely how we do and
act vaguely how we do and, you

416
00:33:00.170 --> 00:33:06.450
know, obey basic social constructs.
That's another thing. Yea. You know,

417
00:33:06.849 --> 00:33:08.930
there have been many people that I've
tried to reach out to and tried

418
00:33:09.009 --> 00:33:15.799
to take care of in time that
don't obey those basic social constructs, which

419
00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:20.599
you don't have to. There's no
law saying you have to look it really

420
00:33:20.799 --> 00:33:23.920
well, there are some laws.
They both depending on the social construct yeah,

421
00:33:24.440 --> 00:33:29.750
but like, that's the thing is
that, you know, you kind

422
00:33:29.789 --> 00:33:34.190
of have to pay attention to that
sort of stuff, right, um.

423
00:33:34.589 --> 00:33:37.910
So we've talked a lot about,
you know, some of the kind of

424
00:33:37.990 --> 00:33:42.099
remediation steps and things like that.
So talk more about the nitty gritty.

425
00:33:42.220 --> 00:33:47.619
How does one survive this kind of
event in their lives, especially because many

426
00:33:47.660 --> 00:33:52.539
of us go through this more than
once now, right, like back in

427
00:33:52.619 --> 00:33:55.329
the day, there was always some
sort of weird breakdowns, but these weren't

428
00:33:55.329 --> 00:34:00.849
really the breakdowns you saw right like
being excommunicated from the church was almost worse

429
00:34:00.890 --> 00:34:05.049
than death in some cases. Yes, back in the early days of time.

430
00:34:05.690 --> 00:34:09.199
But in shunned, yeah, being
shunned by your your village or whatever

431
00:34:09.360 --> 00:34:12.840
was. It was a horrible,
horrible thing, where a lot of us

432
00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:15.280
are like, yeah, I could, I could handle being shun from the

433
00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:19.400
village right now, like I've been
kicked out a better dumps than this,

434
00:34:20.079 --> 00:34:25.909
precisely, but it's Steve Literally wrote. How does one survive this? Very

435
00:34:25.989 --> 00:34:30.909
carefully, because I'm a cheeky motherfucker, because he's cheeky motherfucker exactly. But

436
00:34:32.909 --> 00:34:38.619
it is it's about care and the
thing that you have to understand when you

437
00:34:38.699 --> 00:34:45.019
lose your social group, this is
an opportunity for you to reinvent who you

438
00:34:45.139 --> 00:34:47.340
think you are. If you didn't
like something about the way that you act

439
00:34:47.420 --> 00:34:52.769
in before, you can now go
back and try to change that. You

440
00:34:52.889 --> 00:34:58.369
know, if you've been an absolute
bastard to some people and you can't apologize,

441
00:34:58.489 --> 00:35:02.289
sure the only thing that you can
do is better, and that's this

442
00:35:02.449 --> 00:35:07.960
is a something I used to talk
to a lot of my my coboard members

443
00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:14.320
at the temple. We I talked
about this a lot. Once we know

444
00:35:14.519 --> 00:35:20.920
better, we have to do better. Absolutely, and that's kind of how

445
00:35:21.000 --> 00:35:22.469
you survive this. Believe it or
not. You look back at all the

446
00:35:22.550 --> 00:35:28.030
steps that you've taken that were wrong. When the anxiety brain starts going eighty

447
00:35:28.070 --> 00:35:30.949
miles an hour at night and starts
telling you all the things that you've said

448
00:35:30.989 --> 00:35:35.550
and done that were embarrassing or wrong, you start taking notes and he go

449
00:35:36.340 --> 00:35:38.659
all right, I see it,
did this wrong. How can I improve

450
00:35:38.739 --> 00:35:43.300
this? How can I change my
response to that? Not that you're going

451
00:35:43.380 --> 00:35:45.340
to go back into the past and
change to your response to that. You

452
00:35:45.420 --> 00:35:50.369
can meditate about that and that does
actually help, but what you need to

453
00:35:50.409 --> 00:35:52.889
figure out is how to train yourself
going forward not to make that kind of

454
00:35:53.010 --> 00:35:59.889
response. What can you do going
forward to change how you previously acted or

455
00:36:00.010 --> 00:36:06.159
what you previously did? And that's
really what's very important here. All the

456
00:36:06.199 --> 00:36:12.079
other stuff kind of suppliforalist just like
that. Yes, I have this problem

457
00:36:12.119 --> 00:36:15.159
where I have a much larger vocabulary
than I can pronounce because I read all

458
00:36:15.199 --> 00:36:21.269
these words. Well. I mean
it also, I mean not to get

459
00:36:21.389 --> 00:36:25.429
to analytical, but it's your brain
moves faster than your mouth, and that's

460
00:36:25.510 --> 00:36:31.550
not uncommon, for for people in
our particular boat. Yeah, that's true.

461
00:36:31.670 --> 00:36:36.940
That's true. So again, the
big thing is is that if you

462
00:36:37.099 --> 00:36:40.019
get kicked from a group or if
you end up losing a support system,

463
00:36:40.380 --> 00:36:45.860
this is an opportunity for you to
reinvent who you are and you don't have

464
00:36:45.900 --> 00:36:51.170
to even like, do anything real
that drastic, even, like even just

465
00:36:51.289 --> 00:36:53.170
one or two things. Like you
know, a lot of people, when

466
00:36:53.170 --> 00:36:58.010
they come out of these types of
situations, these kinds of relationships, these

467
00:36:58.050 --> 00:37:00.800
kinds of things, they'll go on
a fitness kick and they'll go and they'll

468
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:06.199
try to get themselves back and back
in shape or, you know, they'll

469
00:37:07.320 --> 00:37:12.039
eliminate one food from their diet or
like whatever. They'll make these gradual steps

470
00:37:12.079 --> 00:37:15.989
toward who it is that they want
to become. Yeah, and then,

471
00:37:16.030 --> 00:37:19.469
you know, drop them later.
But what you laugh, man? No,

472
00:37:19.909 --> 00:37:25.630
or just decide you're gonna dive headlong
into the, you know, Midwest

473
00:37:25.630 --> 00:37:31.860
Gay scene? Well, are other
Ye, other choices that can be made.

474
00:37:32.139 --> 00:37:36.500
Yeah, there's nothing wrongly that.
I just didn't fit in. So

475
00:37:36.619 --> 00:37:37.940
you thought I maybe I'll fit him
with these fuckers. No, I didn't

476
00:37:37.940 --> 00:37:43.260
fit in there. That's I'm saying. There's I hold no malice against gay

477
00:37:43.340 --> 00:37:46.849
culture, it's just that I didn't
fit in. Yeah, so there's that.

478
00:37:47.250 --> 00:37:51.690
Well, you know it. The
big thing is to you were going

479
00:37:51.769 --> 00:37:54.849
to gay clubs. You're more of
a bear. I was just going,

480
00:37:54.929 --> 00:37:58.760
yeah, see, that's what you
didn't you didn't have a you didn't have

481
00:37:58.880 --> 00:38:00.960
a gay bear clubs. What's say? What do you gave bear? Saved

482
00:38:01.039 --> 00:38:06.400
you was the fact that I wasn't
hitting up the right venues. That's basically

483
00:38:06.440 --> 00:38:12.599
yeah, I understand that. Like
when we, well, we started getting

484
00:38:12.599 --> 00:38:16.829
into relationship, I even told my
exit laws, I said, listen to

485
00:38:16.869 --> 00:38:22.190
this guy's gay as fuck. He
just hasn't figured it out yet and you

486
00:38:22.309 --> 00:38:24.190
know, like you don't really have
to worry about him. Yeah, we're

487
00:38:24.190 --> 00:38:28.300
living together, we're in a relationship
sort of right now, but, like

488
00:38:29.380 --> 00:38:32.260
you know, this lasted three days, by the way. Um, where

489
00:38:32.260 --> 00:38:36.139
I was just kind of like yeah, he's probably going to leave me for

490
00:38:36.260 --> 00:38:39.219
dude, and probably sooner rather than
later, but whatever, ill ride this

491
00:38:39.340 --> 00:38:45.050
ride until till it stops. It's
fine, you know, got to get

492
00:38:45.090 --> 00:38:50.409
your hot Dick in somewhere. Seven
years later, you still ain't found a

493
00:38:50.489 --> 00:38:55.880
man. He's still way from me. Come collect your man's anyway. Now

494
00:38:59.639 --> 00:39:04.320
I actually know you can't. I'm
using him now, so you can't.

495
00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:07.639
Yeah, that, folks, you's
using me. Yep, I'm a horrible,

496
00:39:07.639 --> 00:39:13.070
horrible human. This is the paranoia
engaged, fully engaged anyway. So

497
00:39:13.829 --> 00:39:15.829
well, you know the way I
figure it. If you're going to be

498
00:39:15.869 --> 00:39:19.110
paranoid, that's that's your thing,
man, like, just get on with

499
00:39:19.269 --> 00:39:22.030
bad self. It's fine. Yeah, you want to slap me for sleeping

500
00:39:22.110 --> 00:39:25.900
with somebody. I didn't sleep with
cool. That has never happened. No,

501
00:39:27.139 --> 00:39:30.300
it has. Will Not happen.
No, and I think everybody thing

502
00:39:30.420 --> 00:39:32.699
this program probably is figured that.
I just want to be clear in case

503
00:39:32.739 --> 00:39:38.570
anybody doesn't know me on a personal
level, I do not engage in domestic

504
00:39:38.610 --> 00:39:45.250
abuse of any sort, of any
sort. So occasionally get a little passive

505
00:39:45.329 --> 00:39:49.570
caress. Closest I get, is
close as I get, is just maybe

506
00:39:50.130 --> 00:39:54.360
snark and just shutting down. Yep, that's the closest I get. I'm

507
00:39:54.400 --> 00:39:57.639
not going to yell at anybody,
I'm not Getta, certainly not going to

508
00:39:57.639 --> 00:40:00.079
hit anybody. Yeah, well,
I mean, yeah, I would hit

509
00:40:00.119 --> 00:40:07.349
people, just not my partner.
Okay, that's fair anyway. But one

510
00:40:07.389 --> 00:40:12.230
of the things that that also is
written here is that there are two options.

511
00:40:12.309 --> 00:40:15.869
Make it or don't, and that
sounds grim, but it's actually true.

512
00:40:15.710 --> 00:40:20.190
In this particular case, you're going
to get as many chances as you

513
00:40:20.269 --> 00:40:24.219
need. It's like I talked about
previous programs, when Eugene turned to me

514
00:40:24.539 --> 00:40:29.579
and I said I wasn't sure where
I would go if I left the relationship,

515
00:40:29.699 --> 00:40:31.579
and he said that's the beauty of
it. Anywhere you want, and

516
00:40:31.739 --> 00:40:37.969
that's really true. You can go
anywhere you want because you're no longer tied

517
00:40:37.090 --> 00:40:39.730
to a support system. You just
got to go out and find a new

518
00:40:39.769 --> 00:40:43.769
sport system, moved Indiana, join
the gay scene, whatever, you know.

519
00:40:44.090 --> 00:40:46.130
Yeah, I mean, I think
that's I mean that's that's the moral

520
00:40:46.170 --> 00:40:51.679
of the story. Yeah, if
you find yourself in, for Win Indiana

521
00:40:52.440 --> 00:40:55.440
and you go to place called Babylon, I'm just saying no, but really,

522
00:40:55.719 --> 00:41:00.800
for the real I think that's one
of the in hindsight, one of

523
00:41:00.840 --> 00:41:08.469
the greatest gifts that I've received from
the complete collapse of that relationship was absolute

524
00:41:08.590 --> 00:41:13.469
freedom. Yeah, even though you
know it came with, you know,

525
00:41:14.550 --> 00:41:16.309
having go to the movies by yourself. Well, I mean, you know,

526
00:41:16.389 --> 00:41:20.820
I didn't. I didn't mind that
as much when I first because it's

527
00:41:20.860 --> 00:41:25.260
like there was there was a lot
of control, of choice, your lack

528
00:41:25.300 --> 00:41:29.659
of autonomy, you know, not
being able to do what I wanted to

529
00:41:29.699 --> 00:41:35.610
do because of the relational situation I
was in. Everything was as a subvert

530
00:41:35.769 --> 00:41:39.329
to the partners will. Right.
So it's like, Hey, I want

531
00:41:39.369 --> 00:41:44.489
to go see a James Bond movie, I can go to see the James

532
00:41:44.570 --> 00:41:49.880
Bond movie right, right. But
like the other thing is just the the

533
00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.480
ability to just be. Yeah,
and it was. It was actually pretty

534
00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:59.960
cool. You can just straight up
just vibe. Yep, and you know,

535
00:42:00.159 --> 00:42:01.909
like Steve and I do spend some
time apart, like not weeks or

536
00:42:01.949 --> 00:42:07.429
days or anything usually, but,
like you know, I oftentimes when we're

537
00:42:07.469 --> 00:42:10.909
not in a pandemic, I'll I
do shows for murder mystery company and things

538
00:42:10.949 --> 00:42:15.460
like that. So I go out
of town and I'm just vibing with the

539
00:42:15.619 --> 00:42:20.059
crew there, vibing with the homies, reading books, going to the gym,

540
00:42:20.219 --> 00:42:24.099
whatever, and you know, Steve
will just be here dug playing video

541
00:42:24.139 --> 00:42:29.139
games or gold movies. You're getting
groceries or whatever it is he's doing,

542
00:42:29.980 --> 00:42:36.610
hanging out with kids, that that
often happens to you know in the importances

543
00:42:37.650 --> 00:42:40.449
that you are as comfortable in your
own company as you are with others.

544
00:42:40.489 --> 00:42:47.360
YEA, and sometimes that takes shadow
work and sometimes that takes just being on

545
00:42:47.480 --> 00:42:52.280
your own for a while, Yep, and figuring out who you are and

546
00:42:52.480 --> 00:42:54.079
what you are. Always coming back
to that who you are and what you

547
00:42:54.159 --> 00:42:59.150
are. And Yeah, you're gonna
feel a little sad about it. You're

548
00:42:59.150 --> 00:43:02.829
going to feel grief because you've let
go of not just one, but several

549
00:43:04.030 --> 00:43:08.070
people now. Yep, you've let
go of your entire social structure. That's

550
00:43:08.670 --> 00:43:13.340
people that have been doing things for
you that you wouldn't normally have to take

551
00:43:13.380 --> 00:43:16.300
the emotional toll on yourself. You
know, for example, if Steve Left

552
00:43:16.420 --> 00:43:22.539
tomorrow, you know it. The
grieving would be hard. It would be

553
00:43:22.659 --> 00:43:25.940
very, very rough. But one
of the other things that would be real

554
00:43:27.019 --> 00:43:30.849
rough is some of the stuff he
does around the house is just shit either

555
00:43:30.010 --> 00:43:36.489
I can't do or I really really
despise doing. So it would be the

556
00:43:36.730 --> 00:43:40.599
having to work up the emotional fortitude
to wash the fucking dishes after he's gone,

557
00:43:40.920 --> 00:43:45.719
knowing that I'm probably going to be
washing shit that he ate off of,

558
00:43:45.239 --> 00:43:50.199
you know, that sort of Shit, and taking the trash to the

559
00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:52.440
curb, taking the dog out five
times a day, or ten times there,

560
00:43:52.679 --> 00:43:55.670
twenty times, Ay a, and
probably having to do it on cross

561
00:43:55.710 --> 00:44:00.829
country skis in this weather. Fuck
that. You know, as we've mentioned,

562
00:44:00.829 --> 00:44:05.550
our trailer park is not real proficient
in clearing the snow worthy ice.

563
00:44:05.789 --> 00:44:08.349
So, yeah, or whole park
right now, even though we're in a

564
00:44:08.469 --> 00:44:12.900
freeze law, is a skating rank. It's great. Hey, something,

565
00:44:13.539 --> 00:44:16.539
something good. A friend mentioned today
is that it's supposed to be in the

566
00:44:16.900 --> 00:44:22.539
s this weekend. That is so
every likely everything, even like stuff on

567
00:44:22.619 --> 00:44:25.289
the yard and whatever, is going
to melt. So that that is super

568
00:44:25.409 --> 00:44:29.690
dope and I'm into that. I'm
definitely muddy. Pause everywhere. Yep,

569
00:44:29.849 --> 00:44:31.210
at that. That's fine, though, because, see, I need to

570
00:44:31.250 --> 00:44:38.199
wash the sheets anyway. It's but
getting back to grief and loss, you

571
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:43.519
know, when you are going through
this, although nobody has died necessarily,

572
00:44:44.119 --> 00:44:46.599
there is a grieving process, there
is a losing process. Whenever you lose

573
00:44:46.599 --> 00:44:51.239
a friendship, you know you go
through backwards. It's they talked about this

574
00:44:51.480 --> 00:44:55.949
with when you're in love too,
like falling in love and falling out of

575
00:44:57.030 --> 00:44:59.909
love or pretty much the same process, but falling out of love is doing

576
00:44:59.949 --> 00:45:05.230
it in reverse. HMM. And
you know, although you're not, quote

577
00:45:05.230 --> 00:45:10.179
unquote, in love with your friends, you know the Greeks had nine words

578
00:45:10.380 --> 00:45:15.179
for love that were all different meanings
of love. All of that exists,

579
00:45:15.820 --> 00:45:19.659
like all of those different things.
You know, you have a different love

580
00:45:19.699 --> 00:45:22.010
for your friends, but you still
love your friends and and you're still going

581
00:45:22.090 --> 00:45:28.530
to feel incredibly bad when they're gone. Yeah, thanks, thanks Victorians for

582
00:45:29.050 --> 00:45:34.489
stigmatizing love between platonic sources. Appreciate
that. That pretty awesome. Yeah,

583
00:45:34.650 --> 00:45:37.880
Pretty Dope you. But you know
you are going to go through the cublar

584
00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:42.679
Ross stages a grief. You're going
to be dealing with all that shit these

585
00:45:43.079 --> 00:45:47.079
this is normal and it's to be
expected and you need to allow yourself that

586
00:45:47.400 --> 00:45:51.630
process. Even if you don't want
to do that process, that process is

587
00:45:51.670 --> 00:45:54.230
coming for you anyway. Yeah,
how did I put it? My sermon

588
00:45:57.349 --> 00:46:00.989
you, if you do not choose
the time to grieve, your your mind

589
00:46:01.110 --> 00:46:04.860
will choose a time for you.
Yes, yes, if you don't take

590
00:46:04.900 --> 00:46:07.820
the time to grieve, yeah,
it will take make time for you.

591
00:46:07.179 --> 00:46:14.500
Yep, you'll get knocked on the
ASS. By the grief and you know

592
00:46:14.699 --> 00:46:17.340
it. Grief can manifest a lot
of different ways. It can manifest in

593
00:46:17.650 --> 00:46:22.449
physical ways. You might be walking
along one day and all the sudden you

594
00:46:22.449 --> 00:46:24.889
got a big headache and you don't
know why. Yep, that's grief.

595
00:46:27.409 --> 00:46:32.840
My usual was losing my voice at
fucking socks. Interesting. Yeah, and

596
00:46:34.159 --> 00:46:36.920
it's because, like I'd feel this
ball in my throat and I wouldn't be

597
00:46:36.960 --> 00:46:38.639
able to speak. ARD feel like
kind of like a ball in my chest

598
00:46:38.679 --> 00:46:44.599
and it was just all the emotions
that we're spilling over. I couldn't control

599
00:46:44.719 --> 00:46:49.349
them. Like, you know,
like grief, real honest grief, feels

600
00:46:49.389 --> 00:46:55.150
like five small people sitting on your
chest at all times and it's really hard

601
00:46:55.190 --> 00:46:59.630
to get anything done when you are
in a state of act of grieving.

602
00:46:59.670 --> 00:47:02.539
It's very, very hard to get
anything done at all. Like you can't

603
00:47:02.699 --> 00:47:07.260
really think about anything else. You're
kind of stuck in this place where you're

604
00:47:08.380 --> 00:47:13.980
grieving what you've lost and you can't
really get up or get around it.

605
00:47:14.059 --> 00:47:17.570
It's just there. It's a constant
thought, it's a constant thing, it's

606
00:47:17.650 --> 00:47:22.170
constantly in the forefront of your mind. In the first couple days, first

607
00:47:22.210 --> 00:47:27.289
couple weeks, first couple months,
even in the failures, when your support

608
00:47:27.369 --> 00:47:30.679
system falls apart, you're going to
see some of that too. The good

609
00:47:30.760 --> 00:47:35.440
news is is that sometimes even in
those support systems, there are one or

610
00:47:35.480 --> 00:47:39.559
two people you can bring back with
you. You know, in that's for

611
00:47:39.760 --> 00:47:45.070
me anyway. That's been the only
saving grace as far as being any sort

612
00:47:45.070 --> 00:47:46.909
of part of the pagan community at
all, is that there are little pockets

613
00:47:46.949 --> 00:47:52.190
here and there, if people that
I can trust enough to tell them things,

614
00:47:52.309 --> 00:47:57.230
Yep, and I can trust enough
to to grieve with and and sit

615
00:47:57.429 --> 00:48:00.780
with and try to determine what the
next step forward is for me. You

616
00:48:00.860 --> 00:48:05.179
know, even if I don't go
to another festival and I don't attend another

617
00:48:05.780 --> 00:48:10.699
show or con or class, even
if I don't do any of those things

618
00:48:10.780 --> 00:48:15.250
ever again, I know that I
have people within the community that I can

619
00:48:15.289 --> 00:48:20.610
go to that will give me no
wilshit answers about it. They'll tell me

620
00:48:20.809 --> 00:48:22.929
what to tell what I need,
what needs to be done, all that

621
00:48:23.090 --> 00:48:30.159
stuff, and that is community.
To HMM, it's smaller community and it's

622
00:48:30.760 --> 00:48:35.480
figuring out, because some of these
folks were people I was not terribly close

623
00:48:35.599 --> 00:48:38.320
with, but for all this went
down like I was close, you know,

624
00:48:38.559 --> 00:48:43.510
considered them family, but not like
I will regularly talk to this human

625
00:48:43.510 --> 00:48:47.829
being every couple of days, right, and that's been really refreshing and that's

626
00:48:47.869 --> 00:48:53.230
been nice. It's been very nice
to have those kind of relationships. But

627
00:48:53.510 --> 00:48:58.260
you know, there are times like
back in two thousand and thirteen, back

628
00:48:58.300 --> 00:49:01.420
in two thousand and fourteen, when
I originally put my x in jail and

629
00:49:01.579 --> 00:49:08.780
what my sons were taken from me. That was a complete breakdown and a

630
00:49:08.860 --> 00:49:14.849
complete failure of all the support systems
I had built up. And understand that

631
00:49:14.889 --> 00:49:20.050
when you're raising children, which I
was, and kind of largely by myself,

632
00:49:20.489 --> 00:49:23.880
with lots and lots of help from
the community, not my acts,

633
00:49:24.519 --> 00:49:30.519
but by the community that I was
in, when you're in that situation and

634
00:49:30.639 --> 00:49:37.239
it suddenly ends or changes, it's
really, really difficult to move on from

635
00:49:37.280 --> 00:49:42.469
that. And the reason that it's
so difficult is that these are the people

636
00:49:42.510 --> 00:49:45.429
that you'd come to when you had
problems and now you have all these problems

637
00:49:45.469 --> 00:49:49.349
and one of the problems is indeed
them, and you can't really go to

638
00:49:49.429 --> 00:49:52.469
them and be like, how would
you sess this out? I you know,

639
00:49:52.630 --> 00:49:55.300
there have been hundreds of times now
that I've wanted to ask my exmotherinlaw

640
00:49:55.460 --> 00:49:59.980
question about how did you deal with
this? What would you do? How

641
00:50:00.019 --> 00:50:02.539
would you take care of it?
What are the things that you would do?

642
00:50:02.860 --> 00:50:07.210
Because, you know, I saw
a lot of myself and her.

643
00:50:07.769 --> 00:50:10.250
She saw a lot of herself and
me. So we could have those kind

644
00:50:10.250 --> 00:50:15.050
of conversations and like nothing was off
limits with this woman. I could talk

645
00:50:15.090 --> 00:50:20.650
about any fucking thing and she just
would listen and talk and help, you

646
00:50:20.769 --> 00:50:23.559
know, whereas like with my family, there's a hell of a lot of

647
00:50:23.639 --> 00:50:29.599
judgment, like I say anything and
like all the sudden a judge town,

648
00:50:29.800 --> 00:50:34.559
to the point now that my sister
will tell me like if she means judgment

649
00:50:34.599 --> 00:50:37.110
or not in her statement. She's
like, you know, I don't mean

650
00:50:37.190 --> 00:50:42.670
to judge, and it's like,
Nikki, I'm sorry, I've been around

651
00:50:42.710 --> 00:50:45.469
on this world for forty one years
now. I don't give a fuck if

652
00:50:45.469 --> 00:50:52.940
you're judging me anymore. My family
is always judged me. Every single one

653
00:50:52.980 --> 00:50:54.820
y'all has always judged me in some
way, shape or form, and you

654
00:50:54.940 --> 00:50:59.780
know, I get it. I'm
a thing to judge, for sure.

655
00:51:00.300 --> 00:51:04.969
I have done a lot of shit, but, like, I don't care.

656
00:51:05.010 --> 00:51:08.329
Yeah, you know, and I
made a commitment a long time ago

657
00:51:08.409 --> 00:51:12.690
that if I was going to continue
talking to my family and being around my

658
00:51:12.730 --> 00:51:15.690
family, I needed to not care
right what their judgments about me were,

659
00:51:16.250 --> 00:51:22.719
because ultimately it all comes out hand, you know, like I got a

660
00:51:22.920 --> 00:51:25.320
lot of Shit for leaving my first
act husband before my mom knew he was

661
00:51:25.360 --> 00:51:29.239
abusing me. Right, you know, she told the whole family that I

662
00:51:29.320 --> 00:51:31.679
was abandoning my daughter and this,
that the other, and all kinds of

663
00:51:31.869 --> 00:51:36.469
horrible, horrible things, which I
can't even imagine what that did to my

664
00:51:36.590 --> 00:51:40.909
daughter because she's hearing it from,
you know, her mom's mom, that

665
00:51:42.150 --> 00:51:45.909
her mom's a terrible person. But
you know, my mom was angry.

666
00:51:46.030 --> 00:51:49.380
My mom didn't know what to do, she didn't know where to turn.

667
00:51:49.460 --> 00:51:52.059
She knew something didn't smell right and
she couldn't get a wiff off me.

668
00:51:52.380 --> 00:51:57.139
So she couldn't figure out. So, you know, I determined at that

669
00:51:57.300 --> 00:52:00.300
point, when all that was going
on, that I had to no longer

670
00:52:00.380 --> 00:52:04.610
care what my family's thought. They
had to just act with my own volition,

671
00:52:05.289 --> 00:52:07.010
and once I was doing that,
things became a lot easier. So

672
00:52:07.369 --> 00:52:14.090
I would say once you find yourself
in this sort of position where your entire

673
00:52:14.329 --> 00:52:19.679
community support system is falling apart.
Find out what you think about it,

674
00:52:21.360 --> 00:52:24.159
because you know what everyone else thinks
about it. It's all you here,

675
00:52:24.519 --> 00:52:28.800
it's all you hear, and then
it's even what she hear in your own

676
00:52:28.840 --> 00:52:31.710
head. Like you know, I
still think about fuck. They're thinking about

677
00:52:31.710 --> 00:52:37.550
what I'm saying right now. I
don't talk to me anymore. I don't

678
00:52:37.590 --> 00:52:39.590
even know them as people. Really. I thought I did, but I

679
00:52:39.630 --> 00:52:46.380
didn't, and I still hear what
they would think in my head. I

680
00:52:46.539 --> 00:52:50.579
really know, but I had to
determine a long time ago. I didn't

681
00:52:50.579 --> 00:52:55.900
care what they thought either, because
if if I cared, I would change

682
00:52:55.900 --> 00:53:00.650
my whole demeanor and I would make
myself small just to make room for them.

683
00:53:00.730 --> 00:53:05.130
Right, they aren't the sort of
people I want to make room for.

684
00:53:05.170 --> 00:53:09.210
Yeah, and having and that's not
saying anything bad about them. I

685
00:53:09.409 --> 00:53:12.769
just don't want to make room for
those sorts of people in my life.

686
00:53:12.769 --> 00:53:15.239
That's it. That's all I could
say. Plenty of bad shit, but

687
00:53:16.199 --> 00:53:19.800
back it up. So I ain't
doing that. So the soul alleged,

688
00:53:19.920 --> 00:53:22.079
but still there are the kind of
people I want to spend time with.

689
00:53:22.480 --> 00:53:27.510
Right and that's the key point,
is trying to keep having a sense of

690
00:53:28.190 --> 00:53:36.110
internal integrity where you know who you
are and you're able to build up portions

691
00:53:36.150 --> 00:53:42.219
of yourself that help empower that vision
of yourself in order to move forward in

692
00:53:42.300 --> 00:53:47.500
a more secure and sound way.
Yes, exactly, and you know you're

693
00:53:47.500 --> 00:53:51.219
always going to hear other people and
you're always going to hear their judgments,

694
00:53:51.300 --> 00:53:55.329
so you have to just decide within
yourself you don't care, Yep, and

695
00:53:55.849 --> 00:54:01.050
that is strength and that is power
and that is taking back your own strength

696
00:54:01.090 --> 00:54:06.530
and your own power. And that
was actually one of the first things that

697
00:54:06.610 --> 00:54:08.690
dame ever told me was, you
know, you don't need to care about

698
00:54:08.730 --> 00:54:13.719
what everybody else thinks. It's about
what you think. Absolutely, and you're

699
00:54:13.719 --> 00:54:16.000
the only one that's been through the
situations that you are currently in and has

700
00:54:16.039 --> 00:54:20.840
experienced them in just the same way
you have. Yep, and you know

701
00:54:21.079 --> 00:54:24.710
you need to honor that within yourself. M and that's the best piece of

702
00:54:24.789 --> 00:54:29.110
it, vice I can give anybody
that's going through this kind of break right

703
00:54:29.110 --> 00:54:30.110
now, which a lot of us
are. You know, a lot of

704
00:54:30.190 --> 00:54:34.429
people were associated with the temple that
I was associated with. A lot of

705
00:54:34.510 --> 00:54:39.380
people hung out there and you know, got their priestess or priesthood and you

706
00:54:39.460 --> 00:54:43.619
know, I know y'all are hurting. We all are hurting. It sucks.

707
00:54:44.019 --> 00:54:46.460
There's nothing really I mean there are
some positive things that have come from

708
00:54:46.500 --> 00:54:52.610
it, but it sucks. It
really sucks. So, you know,

709
00:54:52.809 --> 00:54:55.849
as long as you know who you
are, as long as you know where

710
00:54:55.849 --> 00:55:00.250
you stand on the things, keep
standing there, keep doing it, keep

711
00:55:00.289 --> 00:55:06.010
being who you are and don't give
a fuck when anybody else thanks and stride

712
00:55:06.090 --> 00:55:12.400
confidently forward any rewardness. Yep,
Hey, crossover episode again. What do

713
00:55:12.480 --> 00:55:15.679
you know? I might delete that. That stuff where actually named people.

714
00:55:15.199 --> 00:55:20.639
It just put person eight, person
bold. Be Pretty Funny. But yeah,

715
00:55:21.469 --> 00:55:27.469
and this is a i'Ma has some
stuff today. What's on the DOGGY

716
00:55:27.550 --> 00:55:30.550
report mess? Thank you. Got
It all out? Okay, Oh,

717
00:55:31.070 --> 00:55:34.710
I hope you all heard. I'm
out with her. Nothing to report.

718
00:55:34.789 --> 00:55:42.500
Bark. Is there anything more?
Okay, okay, thanks. Well,

719
00:55:42.619 --> 00:55:45.460
I hope you guys enjoy. We
will see you next week for more.

720
00:55:45.539 --> 00:55:50.610
Done Con Don cast and please join
us for a fake ad. Just after

721
00:55:51.130 --> 00:55:57.409
whatever happened at minute twenty three.
I didn't have anything. So this this

722
00:55:58.210 --> 00:56:02.489
alienation progressed even further. Throughout my
adult life. To where have you,

723
00:56:02.650 --> 00:56:07.400
for found yourself sitting on the couch
watching your favorite television program and thought I

724
00:56:07.519 --> 00:56:13.239
wish my pet were currently attached to
my body? We have a product that

725
00:56:13.360 --> 00:56:19.909
may help you attain that dream.
Introducing the velcrow dog. The velcrow dog

726
00:56:20.429 --> 00:56:24.989
has been scientifically engineered to attach directly
to your body using a blend of space

727
00:56:25.070 --> 00:56:31.230
age, nanotechnology and dark magic's the
vlcrow dog will seek you out no matter

728
00:56:31.309 --> 00:56:37.699
what your current state. On the
couch, ll crow dog in the kitchen,

729
00:56:37.300 --> 00:56:43.300
ll crow dog in the bedroom,
compromised? Oh, there she is

730
00:56:43.300 --> 00:56:49.610
again, increasing the challenge rating.
The one caveat to velcrow dogs patented proximity

731
00:56:49.650 --> 00:56:54.010
seeking programming is that anytime you actually
want the dog near you, she can't

732
00:56:54.090 --> 00:57:00.610
be found. L Crow dog a
pet so close it's integrated.