WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.120
Welcome back to Day Day Up, the weekly podcast for Chinese professionals navigating the Western workplace.
00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:06.000
I'm Jonathan.
00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:07.360
Let's get into it.
00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:12.480
This week, Shirley, Day Day Up's very first guest writer, joins us.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:14.320
Some interesting facts about her.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:25.920
She left Shanghai to study in Canada over a decade ago, was most recently a staff data scientist in big tech, and quit that career to study psychotherapy and pursue entrepreneurship.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:29.280
Oh, and she also happens to be my wife.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:38.240
Now I hand her the pen to share an experience from her recent studies, which we think will really give you a fresh perspective on your interactions and your life.
00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:43.759
Sometimes the things that strike deepest into your heart aren't said by those closest to you.
00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:50.560
Sometimes they come from a 50-year-old white woman with short black hair, just sitting quietly in front of the class.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:56.320
She says this thing, as she often does, with the slightest smirks on her face.
00:00:56.560 --> 00:00:59.840
And yet it strikes you so hard that you forget to breathe.
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:03.679
Confrontation is the front of us meeting the front of others.
00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:10.879
Before studying psychotherapy, I stumbled through adult life, handling interactions in two default modes.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:18.000
Put on a mask to maintain a peaceful, happy relationship, or raise my deepest, ugliest feelings causing conflicts.
00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:20.799
I defined confrontation as the second mode.
00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:23.760
So unsurprisingly, I wanted to avoid it.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:31.040
But when my professor defined confrontation in such a fresh way, a simple English word became so loaded.
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:39.519
We can break this definition of confrontation into three components the front of us, the front of others, and meeting.
00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:41.840
You may have realized this already.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:44.239
There seem to be many versions of ourselves.
00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.680
The version changes depending on the other person we're with.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:52.000
The version of us with friends differs from the version with our parents.
00:01:52.319 --> 00:01:56.719
And that differs with lovers, with coworkers, or with our boss.
00:01:56.959 --> 00:01:58.799
It also changes with time.
00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:10.800
The version of us at eight, or when we first got into university, or when we first came to this foreign land across many seas, far from home, it even changes with the situation.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:19.360
I'm writing this newsletter from my backyard in my pajamas, lying on a newly arrived anti-gravity chair, feeling completely relaxed.
00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:21.919
I would never feel this way in a cafe.
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:30.879
So in every interaction with others, we're only showing a version of ourselves at that time with that person in that situation.
00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:33.919
In some sense, self is a verb.
00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:37.360
We're always selfing, and the same is true of others.
00:02:37.520 --> 00:02:43.919
We only see the very front of another person that is showing up with us at that time, in that situation.
00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:50.159
In a past life, when I was a data scientist in tech, I remember COVID first starting.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:58.960
Everyone worked from home, and in those days, I felt a guilty pleasure seeing my coworkers through webcams because I could see their home backgrounds.
00:02:59.199 --> 00:03:04.800
It was like a little window into another front of them that I never got to see in the office.
00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:15.759
During one virtual meeting, a product lead who worked super late all the time was talking about how she had just ordered pizza again for dinner, three nights in a row.
00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:24.639
And I found myself looking at her background and wondering, I wonder how she still has the energy and attention to keep her couch pillow styled so well.
00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:26.479
I didn't ask her that question.
00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:28.400
I regret not asking.
00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:30.639
I eventually quit my job there.
00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:39.919
As I'm writing this now, I'm trying to remember more about that product lead, that woman I worked with for a month, meeting every day on a code red project.
00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:43.680
But she remains a vague figure on my laptop screen.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:49.599
I quit my job because I felt there was a lack of deep and authentic human relationships.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:52.080
I didn't feel like I belonged.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:54.800
It was a privileged reason to quit a job.
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.520
And it was also a very valid one.
00:03:57.919 --> 00:04:08.240
As human beings and perhaps as immigrants, even more, we yearn for the feeling of being accepted, of belonging, of being seen, of being respected.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:12.000
At the time, I thought I was simply in the wrong environment.
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:13.439
Maybe I was.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:18.079
But I also never took my part in trying to change the relationship.
00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.240
I thought things happened to me.
00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:22.720
Environments happened to me.
00:04:23.439 --> 00:04:24.560
People happen to me.
00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:27.759
But every confrontation is co-created.
00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:33.519
We can choose which front of ourselves we bring forward in that moment with that person.
00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:38.879
And through that choice, we can invite a different front of the other person to meet us.
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:41.759
Back to that video call that late night.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:43.360
I wish I could have asked her.
00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:48.399
Hey, I'm so impressed that you can handle work and still keep your home looking so nice.
00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:51.920
I love home decor and I love how you styled your couch.
00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:54.560
Are you interested in home decor too?
00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:57.199
Maybe she would have welcomed the question.
00:04:57.360 --> 00:04:59.279
Maybe she would have thought it was strange.
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:02.319
Maybe she would have simply said, not really.
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:05.759
I will never have that chance to know the answer with her.
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:08.800
And maybe that's what confrontation means to me now.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:17.120
Sometimes confrontation is simply the risk of letting a little more of yourself come forward and seeing whether the other person is willing to meet you there.
00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:25.199
Just like how I'm choosing to meet you through this newsletter, sharing a small piece of my life, and a reflection on confrontation.
00:05:26.160 --> 00:05:28.480
All right, that's your growth tip for this week.
00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:30.639
Now let's take a melon break.
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:35.120
Hi, it's Jonathan again.
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:37.519
Just popping in to serve you your weekly melon.
00:05:37.600 --> 00:05:43.759
A two million dollars or movie in a dialect, most of China needs subtitles for just made$300 million.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:47.120
And this weekend, it's playing near your office.
00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:56.319
You probably don't need me to tell you this, but in case you've been hiding under a rock and emerged only to read your weekly melon break, then here it is.
00:05:56.959 --> 00:06:04.560
Dear You opened in China this spring on a budget that roughly equates to what a Marvel movie spends on catering.
00:06:04.720 --> 00:06:06.240
There are no stars in the cast.
00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:11.680
In fact, the director discovered one of the movie's amateur actors on social media.
00:06:11.920 --> 00:06:20.079
The whole film is in Teochu, which means a large share of its mainland audience watched a Chinese movie with Chinese subtitles.
00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:24.560
The director's previous project was a documentary about TeOchu food.
00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:34.879
At the time of writing, it sits at 9.3 on Duban, off 890,000 ratings, which is a level of widespread acclaim that you basically never see.
00:06:35.199 --> 00:06:40.959
I watched this movie with my wife last week, and I'll just say it deserves every bit of that acclaim.
00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:49.120
And for something that is hitting the Chinese mainstream so hard from out of nowhere, it deserves a special melon break edition.
00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:50.399
This week it flips.
00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:54.399
Dear U went wide across the US and Canada on September 4th.
00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:59.120
It's at 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it's still in theaters.
00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:06.720
So for once, you're the person at the coffee machine holding the context, and it'll be your coworker who learns something new.
00:07:07.279 --> 00:07:10.319
Here is how you can use this topic in Small Talk next week.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:16.000
Here's how you can bring this up naturally during Smalltalk with coworkers.
00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:17.839
Have you watched anything good lately?
00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:23.199
There's a Chinese film in theaters right now called Dear You, and it's one of the biggest movies of the year in China.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:29.839
If you like international indie and you like powerful stories, this is a strong recommendation from me.
00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:31.199
With your boss.
00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:34.240
It feels like this has been the year of breakout low budget films.
00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:35.199
There's a new one now.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:42.399
A$2 million Chinese film in a regional dialect with an amateur cast has made around$300 million.
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:47.680
It was built for one specific group of people, but it appealed to everyone in China.
00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:49.759
I think about that a lot in our work too.
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:55.439
The narrow real story lands harder than the one sanded down for a general audience.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:03.920
Daity Up is written, produced, and hosted with love by me, Jonathan Lee.
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:11.839
To learn more, check out my free weekly newsletter for communicating in the Western workplace, read by over 2,000 Chinese professionals.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:15.120
Just search Daily Up Jonathan and you will find me.
00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:16.560
That's all for today.
00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.839
See you next Sunday with the Chisang Shao Hoban.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.120
Welcome back to Day Day Up, the weekly podcast for Chinese professionals navigating the Western workplace.
00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:06.000
I'm Jonathan.
00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:07.360
Let's get into it.
00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:12.480
This week, Shirley, Day Day Up's very first guest writer, joins us.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:14.320
Some interesting facts about her.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:25.920
She left Shanghai to study in Canada over a decade ago, was most recently a staff data scientist in big tech, and quit that career to study psychotherapy and pursue entrepreneurship.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:29.280
Oh, and she also happens to be my wife.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:38.240
Now I hand her the pen to share an experience from her recent studies, which we think will really give you a fresh perspective on your interactions and your life.
00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:43.759
Sometimes the things that strike deepest into your heart aren't said by those closest to you.
00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:50.560
Sometimes they come from a 50-year-old white woman with short black hair, just sitting quietly in front of the class.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:56.320
She says this thing, as she often does, with the slightest smirks on her face.
00:00:56.560 --> 00:00:59.840
And yet it strikes you so hard that you forget to breathe.
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:03.679
Confrontation is the front of us meeting the front of others.
00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:10.879
Before studying psychotherapy, I stumbled through adult life, handling interactions in two default modes.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:18.000
Put on a mask to maintain a peaceful, happy relationship, or raise my deepest, ugliest feelings causing conflicts.
00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:20.799
I defined confrontation as the second mode.
00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:23.760
So unsurprisingly, I wanted to avoid it.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:31.040
But when my professor defined confrontation in such a fresh way, a simple English word became so loaded.
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:39.519
We can break this definition of confrontation into three components the front of us, the front of others, and meeting.
00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:41.840
You may have realized this already.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:44.239
There seem to be many versions of ourselves.
00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.680
The version changes depending on the other person we're with.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:52.000
The version of us with friends differs from the version with our parents.
00:01:52.319 --> 00:01:56.719
And that differs with lovers, with coworkers, or with our boss.
00:01:56.959 --> 00:01:58.799
It also changes with time.
00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:10.800
The version of us at eight, or when we first got into university, or when we first came to this foreign land across many seas, far from home, it even changes with the situation.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:19.360
I'm writing this newsletter from my backyard in my pajamas, lying on a newly arrived anti-gravity chair, feeling completely relaxed.
00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:21.919
I would never feel this way in a cafe.
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:30.879
So in every interaction with others, we're only showing a version of ourselves at that time with that person in that situation.
00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:33.919
In some sense, self is a verb.
00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:37.360
We're always selfing, and the same is true of others.
00:02:37.520 --> 00:02:43.919
We only see the very front of another person that is showing up with us at that time, in that situation.
00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:50.159
In a past life, when I was a data scientist in tech, I remember COVID first starting.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:58.960
Everyone worked from home, and in those days, I felt a guilty pleasure seeing my coworkers through webcams because I could see their home backgrounds.
00:02:59.199 --> 00:03:04.800
It was like a little window into another front of them that I never got to see in the office.
00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:15.759
During one virtual meeting, a product lead who worked super late all the time was talking about how she had just ordered pizza again for dinner, three nights in a row.
00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:24.639
And I found myself looking at her background and wondering, I wonder how she still has the energy and attention to keep her couch pillow styled so well.
00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:26.479
I didn't ask her that question.
00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:28.400
I regret not asking.
00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:30.639
I eventually quit my job there.
00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:39.919
As I'm writing this now, I'm trying to remember more about that product lead, that woman I worked with for a month, meeting every day on a code red project.
00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:43.680
But she remains a vague figure on my laptop screen.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:49.599
I quit my job because I felt there was a lack of deep and authentic human relationships.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:52.080
I didn't feel like I belonged.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:54.800
It was a privileged reason to quit a job.
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.520
And it was also a very valid one.
00:03:57.919 --> 00:04:08.240
As human beings and perhaps as immigrants, even more, we yearn for the feeling of being accepted, of belonging, of being seen, of being respected.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:12.000
At the time, I thought I was simply in the wrong environment.
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:13.439
Maybe I was.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:18.079
But I also never took my part in trying to change the relationship.
00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.240
I thought things happened to me.
00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:22.720
Environments happened to me.
00:04:23.439 --> 00:04:24.560
People happen to me.
00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:27.759
But every confrontation is co-created.
00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:33.519
We can choose which front of ourselves we bring forward in that moment with that person.
00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:38.879
And through that choice, we can invite a different front of the other person to meet us.
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:41.759
Back to that video call that late night.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:43.360
I wish I could have asked her.
00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:48.399
Hey, I'm so impressed that you can handle work and still keep your home looking so nice.
00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:51.920
I love home decor and I love how you styled your couch.
00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:54.560
Are you interested in home decor too?
00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:57.199
Maybe she would have welcomed the question.
00:04:57.360 --> 00:04:59.279
Maybe she would have thought it was strange.
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:02.319
Maybe she would have simply said, not really.
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:05.759
I will never have that chance to know the answer with her.
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:08.800
And maybe that's what confrontation means to me now.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:17.120
Sometimes confrontation is simply the risk of letting a little more of yourself come forward and seeing whether the other person is willing to meet you there.
00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:25.199
Just like how I'm choosing to meet you through this newsletter, sharing a small piece of my life, and a reflection on confrontation.
00:05:26.160 --> 00:05:28.480
All right, that's your growth tip for this week.
00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:30.639
Now let's take a melon break.
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:35.120
Hi, it's Jonathan again.
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:37.519
Just popping in to serve you your weekly melon.
00:05:37.600 --> 00:05:43.759
A two million dollars or movie in a dialect, most of China needs subtitles for just made$300 million.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:47.120
And this weekend, it's playing near your office.
00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:56.319
You probably don't need me to tell you this, but in case you've been hiding under a rock and emerged only to read your weekly melon break, then here it is.
00:05:56.959 --> 00:06:04.560
Dear You opened in China this spring on a budget that roughly equates to what a Marvel movie spends on catering.
00:06:04.720 --> 00:06:06.240
There are no stars in the cast.
00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:11.680
In fact, the director discovered one of the movie's amateur actors on social media.
00:06:11.920 --> 00:06:20.079
The whole film is in Teochu, which means a large share of its mainland audience watched a Chinese movie with Chinese subtitles.
00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:24.560
The director's previous project was a documentary about TeOchu food.
00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:34.879
At the time of writing, it sits at 9.3 on Duban, off 890,000 ratings, which is a level of widespread acclaim that you basically never see.
00:06:35.199 --> 00:06:40.959
I watched this movie with my wife last week, and I'll just say it deserves every bit of that acclaim.
00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:49.120
And for something that is hitting the Chinese mainstream so hard from out of nowhere, it deserves a special melon break edition.
00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:50.399
This week it flips.
00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:54.399
Dear U went wide across the US and Canada on September 4th.
00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:59.120
It's at 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it's still in theaters.
00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:06.720
So for once, you're the person at the coffee machine holding the context, and it'll be your coworker who learns something new.
00:07:07.279 --> 00:07:10.319
Here is how you can use this topic in Small Talk next week.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:16.000
Here's how you can bring this up naturally during Smalltalk with coworkers.
00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:17.839
Have you watched anything good lately?
00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:23.199
There's a Chinese film in theaters right now called Dear You, and it's one of the biggest movies of the year in China.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:29.839
If you like international indie and you like powerful stories, this is a strong recommendation from me.
00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:31.199
With your boss.
00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:34.240
It feels like this has been the year of breakout low budget films.
00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:35.199
There's a new one now.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:42.399
A$2 million Chinese film in a regional dialect with an amateur cast has made around$300 million.
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:47.680
It was built for one specific group of people, but it appealed to everyone in China.
00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:49.759
I think about that a lot in our work too.
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:55.439
The narrow real story lands harder than the one sanded down for a general audience.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:03.920
Daity Up is written, produced, and hosted with love by me, Jonathan Lee.
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:11.839
To learn more, check out my free weekly newsletter for communicating in the Western workplace, read by over 2,000 Chinese professionals.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:15.120
Just search Daily Up Jonathan and you will find me.
00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:16.560
That's all for today.
00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.839
See you next Sunday with the Chisang Shao Hoban.
