WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.959
The world lost someone this week.
00:00:03.200 --> 00:00:10.800
And I know that sounds like a big statement, but when Dolly Parton leaves, the world actually feels it.
00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:13.679
Because she wasn't just a country music legend.
00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:18.800
She wasn't just a philanthropist or an icon or a rhinestone queen.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:21.120
She was meanwhile in a person.
00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:27.199
She came from nothing, a one-room cabin in the smoky mountains of Tennessee.
00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:33.759
One of twelve children, no running water, no money, no guarantee of anything.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:39.600
She showed up anyway, fully, completely, unapologetically herself.
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:44.079
Big hair, big heart, big voice, big dreams.
00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:52.479
Never waiting for permission, never measuring herself against anyone else, never pretending to be something she wasn't.
00:00:52.799 --> 00:00:57.679
She once said, find out who you are and do it on purpose.
00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:02.000
That is not just a quote, that's a way of living.
00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:06.159
That's the antidote to everything we're going to talk about today.
00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:09.040
Hi, welcome back to Meanwhile.
00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:12.000
I'm Dominique, episode 8.
00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:19.439
This one is about comparison, communication, and what Dolly Parton quietly taught us about both.
00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:20.640
Let's go.
00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:24.799
So let me start with something that happened this week.
00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:30.799
My husband and I met with some people, and they were further along in life in some ways.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:34.239
Had some things that we are hoping for ourselves.
00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:36.719
And in the moment I felt something.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:38.719
I'm not gonna pretend I didn't.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:42.400
That quiet pang of, oh, they have that.
00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:44.159
We don't yet.
00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:51.519
Going back home, I sat with that feeling, not spiraling, just feeling it.
00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:54.159
Later in the week, I reflected.
00:01:54.480 --> 00:01:59.840
I realized those feelings are valid, completely valid, but they don't define me.
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:01.680
They don't define us.
00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:06.640
And they certainly don't tell the truth about where we are and where we're going.
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:11.039
My husband said something that I absolutely loved.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:17.280
We should only be focused on being better versions of ourselves each and every day.
00:02:17.520 --> 00:02:18.400
That's it.
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:20.080
That's the whole thing.
00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:31.439
Not better than anyone else, not caught up in anyone else's lives, not ahead of anyone else, just better than yesterday's version of ourselves.
00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:36.319
I thought, that's meanwhile, that's exactly what the show is about.
00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:39.840
Let's talk about comparison for a second.
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:44.560
I think we need to be honest about it in a way that most people aren't.
00:02:44.879 --> 00:02:46.879
Comparison is everywhere.
00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:50.639
If you live in New York City, it's on every street corner.
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:59.520
You walk outside, and immediately you're surrounded by people who look a certain way, dress a certain way, seem to have it together in ways you don't.
00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:03.120
And social media makes that a thousand times worse.
00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:06.319
Here's what comparison actually does to you.
00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:10.960
It takes your eyes off your own path and puts them on someone else's.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:14.000
The minute that happens, you stumble.
00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:19.039
Because you can't run the race while watching someone else run theirs.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:22.879
The younger generation has it especially hard right now.
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:34.000
Growing up with social media as the measuring stick for worse, counting likes, refreshing for comments, measuring their value and engagement numbers.
00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:42.080
I say that with so much empathy, however, because even as an adult, even knowing better, I still feel it sometimes.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:48.879
That pang, that comparison, that quiet voice that says, should I be further along by now?
00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:51.039
Then I remembered Dolly.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:58.080
Dolly Parton never compared herself to anyone, not once, not publicly, not in the way she lived.
00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:04.319
She was so deeply rooted in who she was that there was no room for comparison to take hold.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:10.879
She said, I quote, I make a point to appreciate all the little things in my life.
00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:15.039
I go out and smell the air after a good hard rain.
00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:22.079
These small actions help remind me that there are so many great, glorious pieces of good in the world.
00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:23.279
End quote.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.800
The air after a good hard rain.
00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:28.319
That's presence.
00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:30.639
That's the opposite of comparison.
00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:38.879
That's someone who is so fully in their own life that they don't have time to be jealous of someone else's.
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:41.600
That's what comparison steals from you.
00:04:41.839 --> 00:04:50.160
Not just your joy, your presence, your ability to smell the air after a good hard rain and feel it is enough.
00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:57.199
Here's where communication comes in, because I don't think people talk about this enough.
00:04:57.519 --> 00:05:00.079
Comparison thrives in silence.
00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:10.879
When we stop talking to each other honestly, in our marriages, friendships, families, we start measuring ourselves against each other quietly.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:12.639
We make assumptions.
00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.480
We fill in the gaps with our own insecurities.
00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:19.600
We suffer alone when we didn't have to.
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:21.360
I am so lucky.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.959
I say this with full awareness of how blessed I am.
00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:32.160
I have a husband who built our relationship on a foundation of communication and trust from the very beginning.
00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:35.920
We talk about everything, including the hard stuff.
00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:42.480
The feelings I had this week, the fears, the hopes, the things we're still waiting for.
00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:44.079
We talk about it all.
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:54.720
This week we talked about something fascinating, the brain, how powerful it is, how that same power can work against you if you let it.
00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:59.680
There's something in neuroscience called the neuroplastic paradox.
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:10.240
The idea is this the brain screedest strength, its ability to adapt and change, is the exact same mechanism that can debilitate you.
00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:20.160
The same brain that helps you grow can trap you in comparison and fear in the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you deserve.
00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:26.319
The antidote: communication, talking it out, saying things out loud.
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:31.199
Because when you say it out loud, it loses some of its power over you.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:38.800
It stops being a story that you tell yourself in the dark and becomes something you actually look at in the light.
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:42.639
When things go unsaid, the quiet isn't peaceful.
00:06:42.879 --> 00:06:47.920
It just means something is growing underneath that nobody is dealing with yet.
00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:53.680
The spark gets you in the door, but communication is what keeps the lights on.
00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:58.000
When you stop talking, you stop knowing each other.
00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:05.199
Two people can share a home and a life and still be complete strangers if they stop showing up in conversation.
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:06.720
I never want that.
00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:14.480
I choose communication every single day, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's hard, especially then.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:19.439
I've learned that being right and being connected are two very different things.
00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.639
And sometimes you have to choose which one matters more.
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:26.959
Real listening, it isn't waiting for your turn to talk.
00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:32.000
It's staying present until the other person feels like they've actually been heard.
00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:34.319
There's a difference, a big one.
00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:38.480
In a long-term relationship, you're not just exchanging information.
00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:42.399
You're constantly learning who this person is becoming.
00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:45.279
If you stop paying attention, you miss it.
00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:52.240
Without communication, you're just two people living parallel lives, hoping the other one figures out what you need.
00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:54.079
That's not a relationship.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:56.079
It's just coexisting.
00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:59.519
And that brings me back to Dolly.
00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:09.279
She also said this quote, you can wish your life away, but if you're going to dream, you're going to have to get out and put some wings on them dreams.
00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:12.480
Some feet and fingers and some hands.
00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:14.800
They gotta get into some stuff.
00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:18.639
You can't just sit around and think all the things you want to do.
00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:24.560
You've got to think of what you want to do, and then you've got to get out and make that happen.
00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:26.160
End quote.
00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:31.199
Wings on your dreams, feet and fingers and hands.
00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:34.399
Nobody else's dreams, yours.
00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:37.120
Not someone else's timeline.
00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:41.600
Yours, not someone else's life, just yours.
00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:48.159
Dolly didn't spend a single moment of her extraordinary life wishing she was someone else.
00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:52.799
She spent every moment becoming more fully herself.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:56.960
And in doing so, she gave the rest of us permission to do the same.
00:08:57.279 --> 00:09:00.399
Find out who you are and do it on purpose.
00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:02.080
That's meanwhile.
00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:03.600
That's meaningful.
00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:05.519
That's the whole show.
00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:13.440
The next time you feel that pang of comparison, and you will, because we're all human, remember that it's valid.
00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:15.679
Feel it, and then let it go.
00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:24.480
Talk to someone you really love, really talk, not surface level, not information swapping, soul level.
00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:30.399
The kind of talking that means you're constantly learning who this person is becoming.
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:35.840
Because comparison thrives in silence and communication is the antidote.
00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:39.919
So talk, connect, show up, be Dolly.
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:42.879
Find out who you are, do it on purpose.
00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:46.559
Meanwhile, who are you doing it for?
00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:58.799
And Dolly, thank you for the music, for the kindness, the rhinestones, showing us all what it looks like to show up fully and completely as yourself every single day.
00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:00.799
May you rest in peace.
00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:03.120
Until the next meanwhile.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.959
The world lost someone this week.
00:00:03.200 --> 00:00:10.800
And I know that sounds like a big statement, but when Dolly Parton leaves, the world actually feels it.
00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:13.679
Because she wasn't just a country music legend.
00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:18.800
She wasn't just a philanthropist or an icon or a rhinestone queen.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:21.120
She was meanwhile in a person.
00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:27.199
She came from nothing, a one-room cabin in the smoky mountains of Tennessee.
00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:33.759
One of twelve children, no running water, no money, no guarantee of anything.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:39.600
She showed up anyway, fully, completely, unapologetically herself.
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:44.079
Big hair, big heart, big voice, big dreams.
00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:52.479
Never waiting for permission, never measuring herself against anyone else, never pretending to be something she wasn't.
00:00:52.799 --> 00:00:57.679
She once said, find out who you are and do it on purpose.
00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:02.000
That is not just a quote, that's a way of living.
00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:06.159
That's the antidote to everything we're going to talk about today.
00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:09.040
Hi, welcome back to Meanwhile.
00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:12.000
I'm Dominique, episode 8.
00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:19.439
This one is about comparison, communication, and what Dolly Parton quietly taught us about both.
00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:20.640
Let's go.
00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:24.799
So let me start with something that happened this week.
00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:30.799
My husband and I met with some people, and they were further along in life in some ways.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:34.239
Had some things that we are hoping for ourselves.
00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:36.719
And in the moment I felt something.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:38.719
I'm not gonna pretend I didn't.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:42.400
That quiet pang of, oh, they have that.
00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:44.159
We don't yet.
00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:51.519
Going back home, I sat with that feeling, not spiraling, just feeling it.
00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:54.159
Later in the week, I reflected.
00:01:54.480 --> 00:01:59.840
I realized those feelings are valid, completely valid, but they don't define me.
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:01.680
They don't define us.
00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:06.640
And they certainly don't tell the truth about where we are and where we're going.
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:11.039
My husband said something that I absolutely loved.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:17.280
We should only be focused on being better versions of ourselves each and every day.
00:02:17.520 --> 00:02:18.400
That's it.
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:20.080
That's the whole thing.
00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:31.439
Not better than anyone else, not caught up in anyone else's lives, not ahead of anyone else, just better than yesterday's version of ourselves.
00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:36.319
I thought, that's meanwhile, that's exactly what the show is about.
00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:39.840
Let's talk about comparison for a second.
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:44.560
I think we need to be honest about it in a way that most people aren't.
00:02:44.879 --> 00:02:46.879
Comparison is everywhere.
00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:50.639
If you live in New York City, it's on every street corner.
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:59.520
You walk outside, and immediately you're surrounded by people who look a certain way, dress a certain way, seem to have it together in ways you don't.
00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:03.120
And social media makes that a thousand times worse.
00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:06.319
Here's what comparison actually does to you.
00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:10.960
It takes your eyes off your own path and puts them on someone else's.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:14.000
The minute that happens, you stumble.
00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:19.039
Because you can't run the race while watching someone else run theirs.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:22.879
The younger generation has it especially hard right now.
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:34.000
Growing up with social media as the measuring stick for worse, counting likes, refreshing for comments, measuring their value and engagement numbers.
00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:42.080
I say that with so much empathy, however, because even as an adult, even knowing better, I still feel it sometimes.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:48.879
That pang, that comparison, that quiet voice that says, should I be further along by now?
00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:51.039
Then I remembered Dolly.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:58.080
Dolly Parton never compared herself to anyone, not once, not publicly, not in the way she lived.
00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:04.319
She was so deeply rooted in who she was that there was no room for comparison to take hold.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:10.879
She said, I quote, I make a point to appreciate all the little things in my life.
00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:15.039
I go out and smell the air after a good hard rain.
00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:22.079
These small actions help remind me that there are so many great, glorious pieces of good in the world.
00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:23.279
End quote.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.800
The air after a good hard rain.
00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:28.319
That's presence.
00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:30.639
That's the opposite of comparison.
00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:38.879
That's someone who is so fully in their own life that they don't have time to be jealous of someone else's.
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:41.600
That's what comparison steals from you.
00:04:41.839 --> 00:04:50.160
Not just your joy, your presence, your ability to smell the air after a good hard rain and feel it is enough.
00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:57.199
Here's where communication comes in, because I don't think people talk about this enough.
00:04:57.519 --> 00:05:00.079
Comparison thrives in silence.
00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:10.879
When we stop talking to each other honestly, in our marriages, friendships, families, we start measuring ourselves against each other quietly.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:12.639
We make assumptions.
00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.480
We fill in the gaps with our own insecurities.
00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:19.600
We suffer alone when we didn't have to.
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:21.360
I am so lucky.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.959
I say this with full awareness of how blessed I am.
00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:32.160
I have a husband who built our relationship on a foundation of communication and trust from the very beginning.
00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:35.920
We talk about everything, including the hard stuff.
00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:42.480
The feelings I had this week, the fears, the hopes, the things we're still waiting for.
00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:44.079
We talk about it all.
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:54.720
This week we talked about something fascinating, the brain, how powerful it is, how that same power can work against you if you let it.
00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:59.680
There's something in neuroscience called the neuroplastic paradox.
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:10.240
The idea is this the brain screedest strength, its ability to adapt and change, is the exact same mechanism that can debilitate you.
00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:20.160
The same brain that helps you grow can trap you in comparison and fear in the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you deserve.
00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:26.319
The antidote: communication, talking it out, saying things out loud.
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:31.199
Because when you say it out loud, it loses some of its power over you.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:38.800
It stops being a story that you tell yourself in the dark and becomes something you actually look at in the light.
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:42.639
When things go unsaid, the quiet isn't peaceful.
00:06:42.879 --> 00:06:47.920
It just means something is growing underneath that nobody is dealing with yet.
00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:53.680
The spark gets you in the door, but communication is what keeps the lights on.
00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:58.000
When you stop talking, you stop knowing each other.
00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:05.199
Two people can share a home and a life and still be complete strangers if they stop showing up in conversation.
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:06.720
I never want that.
00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:14.480
I choose communication every single day, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's hard, especially then.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:19.439
I've learned that being right and being connected are two very different things.
00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.639
And sometimes you have to choose which one matters more.
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:26.959
Real listening, it isn't waiting for your turn to talk.
00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:32.000
It's staying present until the other person feels like they've actually been heard.
00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:34.319
There's a difference, a big one.
00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:38.480
In a long-term relationship, you're not just exchanging information.
00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:42.399
You're constantly learning who this person is becoming.
00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:45.279
If you stop paying attention, you miss it.
00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:52.240
Without communication, you're just two people living parallel lives, hoping the other one figures out what you need.
00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:54.079
That's not a relationship.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:56.079
It's just coexisting.
00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:59.519
And that brings me back to Dolly.
00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:09.279
She also said this quote, you can wish your life away, but if you're going to dream, you're going to have to get out and put some wings on them dreams.
00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:12.480
Some feet and fingers and some hands.
00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:14.800
They gotta get into some stuff.
00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:18.639
You can't just sit around and think all the things you want to do.
00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:24.560
You've got to think of what you want to do, and then you've got to get out and make that happen.
00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:26.160
End quote.
00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:31.199
Wings on your dreams, feet and fingers and hands.
00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:34.399
Nobody else's dreams, yours.
00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:37.120
Not someone else's timeline.
00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:41.600
Yours, not someone else's life, just yours.
00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:48.159
Dolly didn't spend a single moment of her extraordinary life wishing she was someone else.
00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:52.799
She spent every moment becoming more fully herself.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:56.960
And in doing so, she gave the rest of us permission to do the same.
00:08:57.279 --> 00:09:00.399
Find out who you are and do it on purpose.
00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:02.080
That's meanwhile.
00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:03.600
That's meaningful.
00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:05.519
That's the whole show.
00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:13.440
The next time you feel that pang of comparison, and you will, because we're all human, remember that it's valid.
00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:15.679
Feel it, and then let it go.
00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:24.480
Talk to someone you really love, really talk, not surface level, not information swapping, soul level.
00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:30.399
The kind of talking that means you're constantly learning who this person is becoming.
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:35.840
Because comparison thrives in silence and communication is the antidote.
00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:39.919
So talk, connect, show up, be Dolly.
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:42.879
Find out who you are, do it on purpose.
00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:46.559
Meanwhile, who are you doing it for?
00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:58.799
And Dolly, thank you for the music, for the kindness, the rhinestones, showing us all what it looks like to show up fully and completely as yourself every single day.
00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:00.799
May you rest in peace.
00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:03.120
Until the next meanwhile.
