The 12 Basic Needs That Bring You Back to Life | Morag Clark | Ep. 35

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Welcome back to time with Tim. I'm Andy Carlson, and
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today I'm joined by Moregg. We're diving into one of
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the most foundational elements in the healing journey, the Twelve Needs.
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Moregg is a beloved facilitator in Tim Fletcher's LIFT community.
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When she was last here, she shared her own powerful
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healing story. Moregg's one of the people that Tim really
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trusts to speak on the twelve Needs, and she brings
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her own energy and insight to this work, including leading
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workshops where she's adapted and deep in the material in
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a grounded and lived away. Moreg's here to help us
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understand the twelve Needs and to explore how we can
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begin reclaiming them through recovery, reparenting, and healing. Moreg Welcome back.
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That's so good to have you here.
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So good to be here, Andy, and thank you. I
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always love doing these workshops with you guys, and especially
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with you, so thank you.
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Yeah.
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And you know, so before we dive in, I just
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want to do like a quick sidebar about my own
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relationship with them. And so when I went through Tim's
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LIFT program, the twelve Needs, they were mentioned several times.
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We were encouraged to start learning how.
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To meet them.
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And so for many of us, these are things that
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were never talked to us as children, let alone shown
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how to give to ourselves. But I'm going to be honest,
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I didn't think too deeply about them. I didn't really
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understand them. I didn't think about them. And that really
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changed about a year ago when I interviewed Tim for
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his personal story and he mentioned something that he calls
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daily maintenance, and so when I asked him what that meant,
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he shared that the twelve Needs are his daily maintenance.
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So these are the foundation of what he returns to
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each day to support his own life of contentment and fulfillment.
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And so for this I'm going to mostly more question
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her at some points.
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But I thought that what we could begin with is
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for listeners who've never heard of the twelve Needs before,
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if maybe you could give us a sense of kind
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of the overall purpit of the needs.
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Absolutely, thank you, Andy, and now yeah for anyone who
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is hearing the Twelve Needs for the first time. People
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you know, don't know what this means, and most people,
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especially people with complex trauma, don't understand or don't have
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the concept that we're even worth or deserve having these
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needs in our life, never knowing how we bring them
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into our lives, will provide them for ourselves. You know,
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for me learning this material, when I went through the
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LIFT program myself, it was the twelve need class that
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kind of bombshelled me to make sense of my life,
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Like it was all of a sudden, I did this class,
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and the exercise is, you know, you go through the
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twelve needs and you see what was met consistently. That's
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the big word in this. They might have been met occasionally,
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but met consistently in your life as you're growing up,
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and then that develops when they're not met. When your
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needs aren't met, it develops a core belief about yourself,
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which is shame, and then that leads into codependent behavior,
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sk city behavior, fear based living. So it leads into
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all that stuff when your needs aren't met growing up.
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But the essential so a need is a human instinct.
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It's something we're actually born with. It's not something we're taught,
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but we're taught how to receive and how to give them.
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So it's essential for our emotional, physical, and relational well being.
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It's something people must receive consistently in order to grow
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and to feel and to feel safe and to develop
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and have a sense of identity. You come into working
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on your complex trauma and you come into seeing something's
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missing in your life. You know, it's that feeling of
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that feeling of there's something always not okay about me.
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And so its needs aren't a luxury, They're not a wish,
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they're not a reward we have to earn. They're a
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human instinct and a human right that we didn't get.
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It's the building block of our nervous system to help
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us regulate, interact, be part of the world, and take
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care of ourselves. So they're not just something that, oh, well,
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these are my needs. These are my needs. And you know,
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one of the things I've learned through doing this work
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was like, as I said that class, I sat and
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I saw and no fault of my parents, Like this
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is not about blaming people in my life for my
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trauma or anything along those lines, but I saw, because
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of their own stuff in their own life, trying to
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provide for us the best way they could. Certain most
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of my needs were not taken care of emotion, especially
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the emotional needs. The physical ones were to a point,
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but the emotional needs were definitely not taken care of. Again,
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not to blame my parents, but reality, that's just facts.
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That's just facts of my story from my pec And
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when I saw that it made sense, it was like, oh,
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I get it now, I get it why I have
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problems interacting with people, falling in love with people, where
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I depend on people while I'm needing, you know, clinging
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your needy in wanting someone. And what I learned to
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explain to myself and others is when I am seeking
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when my need wasn't met growing up, say for acceptance,
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my need for acceptance wasn't given to me growing up.
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I then learned to seek outside of myself to try
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and get that need met. That develops narcissistic tendency behavior,
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It develops self centered behavior, It develops a lot of shame.
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The more you I tried to get you to fill
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that need, the less I felt it was filled. So
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I needed more and more and more of external validation
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or external acceptance to try and feel okay. When I
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learned to give that to myself, when I started this
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work at a deeper level, because I was already doing
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work through the twelve step programs that I do and
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especially emotional sobriety that looks at codependency and needs. But
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the consistency in the format of the twelve needs really
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helped me just nail it. And when I started providing
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them for myself and I had no idea or what
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is that look like? Was my question for every need,
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I then started to see the more I gave it
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to me, the more I became, I came present with
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myself and less dependent on other people to be okay.
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So the most selfish thing I do in the world
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is depend on everybody else to make me okay with
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my needs, to provide my needs for me. The most
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unselfish thing I do is provide my needs for myself.
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People with complex trauma think if we take care of
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ourselves that we're selfish, that we're not there for other people,
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But it's actually complete opposite. The more I take care
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of my needs, the more I'm present with myself, the
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more space I have to be present with you instead
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of that grabbing and seeking and you know, trying to
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make you make me feel okay.
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Like you know, I think you're such a great teacher
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because I had five or six questions that I was
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going to ask you as follow ups, and you've pretty.
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Much covered all of them.
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But I love this last bit because I think that's
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there's something soft about is that when we start to
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meet them ourselves, there's like what I hear from you
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is there's this individuation that happens, this maturation that happens,
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and maybe more of a sense of kind of like
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our own agency and control when we're able to start
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to for ourselves rather than relyinging meeting on somebody else.
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And maybe just as like a brief overview, would you
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just give could you just lift list off the twelve
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needs for us, just to give like a roadmap of
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where we're going to go today?
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Yeah, So these are Tim Fletcher's twelve needs. Like people
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sometimes people say to me, well, which needs do I follow?
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You know? Is it Maslow's hierarchy? Is it Mora Clark's,
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is it Tim's? We're talking about Tim Fletcher's twelve needs
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that he created and he developed through his own research
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and experiences, and he broke them down into three categories.
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So it's physical, emotional, and spiritual. So the physical needs
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are your food and water, pleasure and sex and intimacy.
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The emotional needs is acceptance, respect, nurture, love, comfort, beauty
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he has in there as well is comfort and a belonging.
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That's all the emotional needs. And then you move into
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the spiritual needs, which is beauty, are and happiness, content
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and fulfillment, which is the twelfth need. So basically to
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get the twelfth need, we have to learn to provide
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all the other eleven for ourselves.
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So yeah, yeah, and you like that you broke out
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like those three categories, the physical, emotional, and spiritual. You know,
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for for me, you know, I used to be told
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a lot provide a roof over your head, and you know,
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there is often like you know, I'm doing this, I'm
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meeting these physical needs, but just recognizing kind of what
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happens if there are these emotional needs that include beauty
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and then the spiritual need that includes are these these
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different needs that will be missing in different ways.
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Yeah, and handy, that's what happens with a lot of people.
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They come in and especially they're coming into the lift
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and they're doing this work, and they go, well, my
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needs were provided for me, and they got food and water,
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they got shelter, They never lived on the streets, they
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were always fed. So and you know, society has such
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a big emphasis of what we have instead of what
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we feel. And so that belief of well they provided
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me the house, the water, the clothing on my back,
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the food, you know, the shelter. Then they were great.
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They were great parents. But there was no respect, there
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was no nurture, there was no love all. If there
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was love, it was conditional, if it were you know.
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So there's it's the twelve knees and learning how to
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provide these for ourselves and learning to live. Like Tim said,
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this is his way, is this is his infantry. He's
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mourning process, as is mine. It's part of my daily
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what do I need today? What do I need today?
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In any situation that I go into and I have,
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you know, feelings or emotions around anything. It's part of
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learning how to implement them individually but as at a
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collective as well into our life.
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And I want to I want to detour here. That
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sounds overwhelming to me. There's twelve, these twelve things, Like
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can you just share something that may make that a
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little bit less overwhelming? Like having these you know, these
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twelve needs and this need to implement them.
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Yeah, of course, So in the Tim Fletcher's align, program
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where it's the program we talk about twelve needs. It's
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a self self paced study course. They get the opportunity
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to meet with me every second week and I go,
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I do a webinar on the particular need we're in
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in that and anyone I work with, I'd say, choose one.
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Choose one need that you feel is the most important
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for you today in this realm where you are in
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your world today, Choose that and really pull it up,
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look at it. What does it look like if you
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don't understand it? Ask people how so if you said respect,
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ask people how they respect themselves. What do they see
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is respect? Like, explore what the word and the meaning
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of it means, what it looks like, what it looks
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like unhealthy, what it looks like healthy, and start practicing
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some of those things with that one need. And my
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experience has been once I start practicing one need, they
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cascade into others. So when I started doing this work,
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I was out a time in my life where doing
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the work with Tim, I had just ended a long
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term relationship. So I was rediscovering who I was being
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a single woman age of fifty, like going into this
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new realm of that so pleasure was something that I
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really clicked onto. I had to see that I actually
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had a lot of fear from a childhood experience around pleasure,
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so that I started saying, well, what do I like?
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And I had no idea, Like I thought, I knew stuff,
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stuff I liked, but I didn't know whether I liked
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it because I liked it. I liked it because my partner,
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my previous relationship, liked it. So I just started exploring.
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I did an activity board, like a vision board up
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of all the things that I was like, I'm going
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to do that one day, I'm going to do that
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one day, I'm going to do that. All those things
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like ice skating was one something I always wanted to
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do but never tried. And so I did all that
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and then I started just choosing one per week. I
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would do something every weekend. And what happened so and
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I'm a huge nature fan. I'm i high call the time,
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my snorre call, I'm in the water all the time,
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I'm always out in nature. And what started to happen
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for me was when I did, say a twenty K hike.
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I then implemented beauty because all of a sudden, I'm
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seeing such greatness in the world. I'm also then in
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the place of awe and connected to what I call
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my higher power. I have a deeper love for the
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world and everything around me. My food and water looks
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better when I'm doing those sorts of things because I
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you know, I'm not going to eat KFC on top
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of a mountain, so it's kind of like got to
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be healthier, you know, nutritious food. So I'm nurturing. So
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when you start to and you know, that led straight
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into happy and content and fulfilled when I was in
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those places, That's how I feel. So it's focused on
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one and doing one then cascade into the others. So
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I just chose one, worked on that one for a
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month and just saw what developed out of it, and
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then moved to the next one. I work on that one,
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but you just choose which one you know is predominant.
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And then eventually it became a process where I can
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just go, what do you need, sweetheart, And it's meant
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top meself, talk myself, talking to myself, to my inner child,
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because it's that inner child, it's that innerness. What if
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you call that. Some people don't get the inner child,
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where it's your inner self that is trying to say
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I need this. So we need to talk and listen
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to that to hear what they need, and once we
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provide it for them, it comes out in our adult life,
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in our today life, in our presentness.
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I appreciate that it makes it a lot less overwhelming
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to to just really focus it at a time. And
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so maybe let's or we're going to do the opposite
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of that today is that we're going to go through
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We're going to go through all twelve at a at
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a pretty high level. And so maybe you know, kind
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of some of the things that I'm hoping is as
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we go through each of these needs, if you could
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maybe like describe the need a little bit, maybe share
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some common ways that we might misunderstand it or neglect it,
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and then you know, I'd love to hear like ways
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somebody might be able to begin to meet that need.
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And then maybe we could also talk about tips or
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practical application. I know, given our time and with twelve needs,
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we'll probably have maybe like.
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Four or five minutes or so per need.
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Not well, maybe maybe five or six not too much time,
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but I'd love to to just get a really hardy
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overview of the twelve. Yeah, So so if we could
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dive into food and water, that to me, food and
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water easy. But I'm assuming you're going to say something different.
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You know.
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I had this very conversation yesterday with the manager of
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the gym that I go to. She goes, oh, food
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and water is easy. If I said, yeah, it is.
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But if food was used as a punishment as a child,
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then there's attachments to food. If you were restricted with
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food as a child, you'll have restraints as you grow
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up if you weren't taken care of if the parents
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didn't provide, you know, didn't. So every need has different
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scenarios that could happen. So there's the things like if
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you were neglected in this area with food and water,
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so parents went around to cook meals and you were
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made responsible, then your over responsibility comes in play. So
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then you feel responsible for a lot of people around
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food when you get older, so you become a feeder,
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so you feed people because that's where you got your connection.
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If food was used as a punishment, you know, you know,
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if you don't do this, you're not going to get
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any dessert. If you don't eat what's all on your plate,
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you're not going to get any dessert. That can lead
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to over eating. If food was used as it wasn't
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something important and you just get whatever you want, it
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doesn't matter. There's no nourishment in that behavior with somebody.
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So in every home there is think around each one
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of these needs, and food was, you know, probably the
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most predominant. The same with being hydrated with water. I
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really learned this when I went to Thailand, because you know,
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in Australia, we can turn the tap on and drink.
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How the water may not taste the best. You know,
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it's still full of chlorine and stuff and all that,
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but we can do that. In Thailand, I couldn't do that.
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I had to purposely make sure I had water in
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the house so I stay hydrated. And I remember when
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I did the last video for Tim many years ago
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on the practical application of this. It's really important that
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people learn what's right for their own body when it
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comes to hydration. There are many opinions out there, and
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I'm not going to give you mine. It's just find
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out what is right for your body when it comes
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to hydration. If your body is hydrated, your brain works better,
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your processing works better, you sleep better, your body digests better,
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so it's extremely important that we have the right amount
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of water in it. That's not something we talked about
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over the dinner table. Food and water can be food
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and meal time can be a fearful place for some
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people because you know you're sitting down have a dinner
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and Dad's chat the door as he's come in and
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he's slammed it, so you know you're going to be
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in trouble. There could be chaos around those times, or
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it could be the only time you ever connected with
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the family. Like, there's so many branches of how each
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one of these needs can affect human beings. That's why
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doing this work needs to be individual as well as
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supported as we do through the LIFT program and through
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a line. So there's some of the aspects of it,
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and like learning how practical application of food and water,
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like I said, discover what is your right process with
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food with water and the same with food, Like I've
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gone from extreme to stream when it's come to food.
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I've been a complete compulsive over eater and I binged
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my heart out until I got to one hundred kilos
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and then I went extreme and went on a complete
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restricted diet where I didn't eat anything sexed, protein, fat,
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and vegetables. Where I went down to like sixty kilos
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and somewhere in between is where I am now. Where
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my food is what I have that is delicious and
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delightful and nurturing. So why am I eating this? This
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is the meal I need to have, Like, this is
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the food that I need, my body needs to nurture me.
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Of course I still have the odd you know, chocolate
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bar here or something here, or you know, we go
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out for dinner and things like that. But every meal
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that I have, I sit with the meal, I thank
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the people who created motherfood that's on my plate. So
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I'm grateful for what I have, and I try and
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eat mindfully as a compulsive eater, as a person with
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food addiction, as people who might have not had a
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lot of food. Some people hord so they protect their food.
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Some people eat minimal because they don't feel they deserve. Well,
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it's there. It's finding what is right for you. The
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more we heal our trauma, the more we heal our shame,
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The more connected we get with our body. And the
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more connected I am with my body, the more I
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know what foods are good for me and when I
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go into that emotional eating stuff, I'm practicing and learning
368
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the reprogramming on my brain what food is. I had
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to there's a lot of stuff around that where I
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had to see the core beliefs that I have around
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body image, around food, around all that kind of stuff.
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And then once I saw that the reprogramming of that
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that food is not a punishment, food is not a reward,
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food is just fuel. When I reprogrammed for my brain
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with that, if I go now, if I find myself
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standing in front of the fridge, staring into the fringe,
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feeling or not wanting to feel what I feel, I
378
00:22:05.480 --> 00:22:09.480
just asked myself, what do you need, sweetheart? And around food?
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For me, it's normally comfort. I'm looking for something to
380
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give me comfort because I'm feeling uncomfortable, whether I'm uncomfortable
381
00:22:16.839 --> 00:22:21.039
in the situation or in emotion or it's connection. I'm
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trying to connect with people. So instead of picking up
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a chocolate bar, I pick up my phone and I
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give somebody a call and just say, hey, what's going
385
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on for you?
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00:22:31.799 --> 00:22:34.680
Yeah, there's something like really, you know in this one
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00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:39.359
for me? You know, at first, I didn't I didn't
388
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see that I had a connection for it because my family,
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we had a meal on the table for every meal. However,
390
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:51.240
we were not told as much as growl that we're
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members of the clean plate club or there's starving people somewhere.
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And so what I've realized is like I've lost my
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own bodily intuition to when to stop eating that like
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I don't know immediately when I'm full until way after
395
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i'm full. And so you know, when I hear you
396
00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:15.480
of like that, that mindful eating and taking the time
397
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and really reconnecting to the body, I can see just
398
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how important that can be.
399
00:23:21.759 --> 00:23:25.359
Yeah. Yeah, and that's another really common one andy of
400
00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:27.200
you know, eat what's all on your plate. They're starving
401
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:31.119
children in China and growing up in a complex trauma homes.
402
00:23:31.160 --> 00:23:33.720
It's such it's such a conflict and it's such a contrast.
403
00:23:34.599 --> 00:23:37.160
We were told, you know, quite a racist home when
404
00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:41.039
I grew up in racist beliefs, and but then I
405
00:23:41.079 --> 00:23:42.359
was told I was I had to eat all my
406
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:47.319
food because those people were starving. Yeah, so that's another
407
00:23:47.400 --> 00:23:51.440
really predominant one in people with traumas. Yet you must
408
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:54.720
eat everything that's on your plate. So the shame of
409
00:23:54.839 --> 00:23:57.799
leaving a mouthful. And one of the tools I learned
410
00:23:57.839 --> 00:24:00.400
is I leave a mouthful for my higher power. This
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00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:01.920
mouthfles for my higher power.
412
00:24:03.200 --> 00:24:07.799
Yeah, yeah, yeah, well I like that. I feel that's
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00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:11.119
good on food and water as an introduction right now
414
00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:14.799
and so shifting the pleasure, you know, and I think
415
00:24:15.319 --> 00:24:19.000
growing up in my family too, it is a pleasure enjoyment.
416
00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:21.960
You're selfish, your self centered.
417
00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:24.599
You can't you know, don't make noise.
418
00:24:25.799 --> 00:24:29.839
Could you talk about like pleasure and pleasures in need.
419
00:24:29.720 --> 00:24:34.839
And incomplex to my homes and growing up in mind,
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like when a child is running on survival, the ability
421
00:24:40.680 --> 00:24:46.240
to enjoy anything pleasurable is almost impossible. There might be
422
00:24:46.359 --> 00:24:50.640
snippets and windows of things that you did that you've enjoyed.
423
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I have a memory of me being a little witchy
424
00:24:55.240 --> 00:24:57.720
of the age of five, and I cut up all
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these plants with my cat sitting beside me, or making
426
00:25:00.599 --> 00:25:04.839
a little soup or something, and that's a really pleasurable
427
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:08.440
memory for me. Some of the other things that we
428
00:25:08.519 --> 00:25:13.880
did as children, sometimes things ended in chaos, so pleasure
429
00:25:14.160 --> 00:25:17.200
ended in chaos, so it didn't become pleasure. It was like,
430
00:25:17.559 --> 00:25:20.480
oh no, if I do anything that's fun, it's going
431
00:25:20.559 --> 00:25:24.480
to end bad. So it stopped me in enjoying anything
432
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:26.960
that was good. I've always waiting for the bad to
433
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:30.960
come to at the end of it. So learning how
434
00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:37.000
to learning what you like, learning what it brings you joy,
435
00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:39.920
what joy feels like for you, Like this is the
436
00:25:39.920 --> 00:25:42.160
one that you break down in so many different ways.
437
00:25:42.160 --> 00:25:44.559
What does joy feel like? What is pleasure? There's so
438
00:25:44.599 --> 00:25:47.880
many different aspects of pleasure. There's you know, it's enjoyment,
439
00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:52.160
it's fun, it's games, It's like, what is it? This
440
00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:55.359
is where where the needs are individual. I can tell
441
00:25:55.400 --> 00:25:57.480
you what my pleasure list is and you could look
442
00:25:57.519 --> 00:26:00.960
at me and go, what do you mean that's insane, Maury,
443
00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:02.920
That's not pleasurable at all.
444
00:26:03.240 --> 00:26:03.480
You know.
445
00:26:03.640 --> 00:26:07.119
So it's truly about finding your own and how I
446
00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:08.799
did it is one of the best ways I think
447
00:26:09.319 --> 00:26:12.960
people can discover of that finding that activity board. Like
448
00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:15.319
people call a vision board, I call it an activity
449
00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:18.640
board because it's the things I want to do. I
450
00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:22.359
created the activity board. When I did the activity, I
451
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:24.400
took keeps of photos because it's one of the things
452
00:26:24.440 --> 00:26:28.799
I find that gives me pleasure. And then I took
453
00:26:28.839 --> 00:26:30.880
the photos and I put him in a scrapbook and
454
00:26:30.920 --> 00:26:34.559
I wrote and journaled beside the activity. How did this
455
00:26:34.599 --> 00:26:36.920
actually make me feel? What was it about this that
456
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:40.640
I really liked? Did I remember when I went ziplining
457
00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:44.160
through the trees Mount Tambourine and down on the Gold
458
00:26:44.200 --> 00:26:47.519
Coast here in Brisbane. It was seventy meters up. I'm
459
00:26:47.720 --> 00:26:51.079
terrified of heights, but I got on that zip line
460
00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:54.240
and I loved it, and I'm squealing and I'm carrying
461
00:26:54.240 --> 00:26:56.839
on and I was like, Hi, is a kaike doing it?
462
00:26:56.839 --> 00:26:59.240
It was absolutely I loved it. My adrenaline was through
463
00:26:59.279 --> 00:27:01.720
the roof. But if you would have told me sixty
464
00:27:01.799 --> 00:27:03.599
or seven years ago you're going to like zip lining,
465
00:27:03.599 --> 00:27:05.880
I would have said no, because it's too scary and
466
00:27:05.920 --> 00:27:08.000
I wouldn't have been able to take that risk. So
467
00:27:08.880 --> 00:27:12.279
discovering how it made me felt, it made me feel alive,
468
00:27:12.400 --> 00:27:14.200
It made me felt like I was flying. It made
469
00:27:14.240 --> 00:27:17.160
me feel really enjoyable, like I had so much dooy.
470
00:27:17.799 --> 00:27:20.400
So when we journal beside the things that we're doing
471
00:27:20.440 --> 00:27:24.960
that are pleasurable, it helps us recognize why we like
472
00:27:25.039 --> 00:27:27.319
to do those things. And then there are other things
473
00:27:27.319 --> 00:27:29.240
that I did that I realized I didn't like doing
474
00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:35.079
and there's things that you know, so finding the list
475
00:27:35.160 --> 00:27:37.599
that's right for you. So you know, for me, it's
476
00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:40.279
a lot of water sport, it's a lot of nature sport,
477
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:45.240
it's movies is pleasurable, hanging out with my friends is pleasurable.
478
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:49.359
So it's not always doing something certain people can be
479
00:27:49.440 --> 00:27:53.599
really pleasurable for me. So it's discovering what it looks
480
00:27:53.759 --> 00:27:57.480
like for you and just exploring, like pleasure is really
481
00:27:57.559 --> 00:28:02.079
one we get to explore the world with and then emotionally,
482
00:28:02.839 --> 00:28:08.079
when it comes to pleasure, it's about you know, finding
483
00:28:09.440 --> 00:28:11.720
as you know and other people that have heard me before,
484
00:28:11.759 --> 00:28:13.839
I have that saying that you know, find something that
485
00:28:13.880 --> 00:28:17.720
makes your heart seeing it's truly that. It's finding those
486
00:28:17.839 --> 00:28:23.039
things that your heart just comes alive with. You know,
487
00:28:23.880 --> 00:28:28.119
Grandma's holding their babies, their grandchildren all. No matter what
488
00:28:28.200 --> 00:28:32.279
it is, if it brings you joy, then activate it
489
00:28:32.359 --> 00:28:36.880
into your life. Because people with complex trauma have had
490
00:28:36.920 --> 00:28:41.279
such a dark and heavy cloud over them. Enjoying life
491
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:43.519
is not something we do very naturally.
492
00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:51.400
Love that you add the individuality aspect to it so
493
00:28:51.480 --> 00:28:55.640
that I can't compare my list to yours. Necessarily, I
494
00:28:55.680 --> 00:28:58.599
can give me inspiration, but it can be different and
495
00:28:58.680 --> 00:29:03.440
I can my own things. I was wondering if you
496
00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:05.240
could talk just a little bit more like you know,
497
00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:07.759
you talked about like we had things and they'd end
498
00:29:07.799 --> 00:29:13.519
in chaos and that difficulty are there, like when we've
499
00:29:13.640 --> 00:29:16.400
had pleasure and in chaos?
500
00:29:17.160 --> 00:29:17.640
Are there?
501
00:29:17.680 --> 00:29:21.200
Like what are the baby steps like you mentioned the
502
00:29:21.279 --> 00:29:23.640
vision board, are there other baby steps that we could
503
00:29:23.640 --> 00:29:30.119
take to start to safely experience, safely recognize and just
504
00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:32.039
like rediscover pleasure.
505
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:38.000
Yeah. So for me, when it's ended in chaos and
506
00:29:38.039 --> 00:29:39.880
then I'm trying to do something, I'm in a lot
507
00:29:39.880 --> 00:29:42.200
of fear. So the fear of this is going to
508
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:45.519
happen again. So I do a lot of fear of writing.
509
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:48.279
So I write what is true, what is not true?
510
00:29:48.359 --> 00:29:51.359
What it weighs? My evidence, what's you know, what's the
511
00:29:51.400 --> 00:29:55.839
truth of today? So I'll write like, well, so there's ziplining,
512
00:29:55.920 --> 00:29:59.160
for example, fear of heights, fear if I'm going to fall,
513
00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:01.319
fear I'm going to die. So I wrote all those
514
00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:04.519
things down and then well, where's the evidence of this?
515
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:08.039
So I explore I've never heard of anybody dying ziplining,
516
00:30:08.400 --> 00:30:10.400
And I could be the first, of course, I could
517
00:30:10.400 --> 00:30:13.079
be the first. But I've never heard of anybody dying
518
00:30:13.119 --> 00:30:15.960
doing ziplining, And you know, is there any evidence that
519
00:30:16.119 --> 00:30:19.160
I'm not going to enjoy this? You know, my fear
520
00:30:19.160 --> 00:30:23.640
of heights is it just a normal human fear that
521
00:30:24.039 --> 00:30:27.480
you know, we don't have wings as humans, and going
522
00:30:27.559 --> 00:30:31.480
up in the sky it's scary. So I recognized it
523
00:30:31.559 --> 00:30:35.640
as it's actually a normal response. It's not a chaotic response.
524
00:30:35.680 --> 00:30:40.839
It is an actual normal response. Things that the chaos,
525
00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:45.799
so that things that ended in chaos it needed I
526
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:49.519
needed to get present with them. So that's not who
527
00:30:49.559 --> 00:30:52.359
I am today. So this is a scenario that happened
528
00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:56.559
when we were growing up, but that's not my experience today.
529
00:30:56.680 --> 00:30:59.519
So it's a lot of staying present in the my
530
00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:02.839
like in what's happening right here and right now, to
531
00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:06.759
enjoy the pleasure that we're experiencing. So the more I
532
00:31:06.799 --> 00:31:11.559
can come back to going, you know, when I finish
533
00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:13.680
my job today, When I finish work today, I'm going
534
00:31:13.720 --> 00:31:16.200
to go for a walk along the waterfront. I have
535
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:18.599
no fear around that, there's no concept around that. There's
536
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:21.839
no ending in disaster of that. But there's every chance
537
00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:24.240
I could get run over that a way or could
538
00:31:24.279 --> 00:31:27.119
jump out of the water and eat me. There's all
539
00:31:27.160 --> 00:31:30.720
these scenarios that could happen. But staying in that, well,
540
00:31:31.240 --> 00:31:35.240
why what is it that I feel when I do this?
541
00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:41.559
And overcoming that we don't deserve to feel joy. So
542
00:31:41.759 --> 00:31:45.160
a lot of the pleasure is also connected to our shame.
543
00:31:45.480 --> 00:31:48.720
Every single one of these needs has a shame element
544
00:31:48.920 --> 00:31:51.519
connected to it. That's why we have shame because this
545
00:31:51.720 --> 00:31:56.440
wasn't provided. So look at when it comes to pleasure,
546
00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:59.160
what shame do I have? If you have body images,
547
00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:01.839
it might be something around that I can't go roller
548
00:32:01.839 --> 00:32:03.799
skating if I'm one hundred killers, I can't go to
549
00:32:03.839 --> 00:32:07.079
the beach, if I'm overweight or underweight. A lot of
550
00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:10.079
people who are really underweight don't want to go and
551
00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:14.240
put in their bikini because people judge them. So staying
552
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:17.599
present and seeing the shame that's attached to it helps
553
00:32:17.640 --> 00:32:21.680
us overcome the chaos or the fears that were there
554
00:32:21.720 --> 00:32:22.599
in the first place.
555
00:32:24.119 --> 00:32:26.880
So just being you know, really taking the fear and
556
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:31.680
the shame and this well maybe a trauma like a
557
00:32:31.920 --> 00:32:36.079
very intangible feeling, you know, really real inside of you,
558
00:32:36.799 --> 00:32:39.400
but bringing it into reality and then working with both
559
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:43.160
of those that you can move forward area. You know
560
00:32:43.240 --> 00:32:46.279
this this next one. I'm really excited to hear what
561
00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:49.480
you have to say about it. I was really surprised
562
00:32:49.480 --> 00:32:52.680
the first time, you know, that it was presented and Tim,
563
00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:55.720
especially given my own my own family background. And so
564
00:32:56.240 --> 00:33:00.839
can you talk about the need of sex and intimacy? Yeah,
565
00:33:01.039 --> 00:33:03.680
how we're supposed to meet that and what are some
566
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:05.920
different ways to think about that?
567
00:33:06.640 --> 00:33:08.960
Yeah? And I was the same Andy when I first
568
00:33:09.039 --> 00:33:11.720
heard Tim talk about this, So, well, what is your sex?
569
00:33:12.119 --> 00:33:14.359
It's not need It's like, you know, yeah, what does
570
00:33:14.400 --> 00:33:16.240
you mean? It's part of us and we didn't need
571
00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:17.920
it when we were children. It was like, you know,
572
00:33:18.720 --> 00:33:23.839
because of my own experiences growing up, So I always
573
00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:25.920
break this one down. So we have two things out
574
00:33:25.960 --> 00:33:30.440
of here. We have the sexual act that is a
575
00:33:30.519 --> 00:33:34.359
human desire that we all have. And what my experience
576
00:33:34.400 --> 00:33:39.759
has been is because I had distorted concepts and beliefs
577
00:33:39.880 --> 00:33:43.599
around what sex was, sex equaled love, I would act
578
00:33:43.720 --> 00:33:46.640
out sexually to try and get the need of love
579
00:33:46.880 --> 00:33:51.039
met in myself. So I would be acting out in
580
00:33:51.079 --> 00:33:53.960
a way that was selfish and I didn't care about
581
00:33:53.960 --> 00:33:58.599
anybody else, even though it wasn't a conscious decision. Or
582
00:33:58.720 --> 00:34:02.200
conscious process. It was just what I knew what to do.
583
00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:06.240
When I got well in this area, it became something
584
00:34:06.319 --> 00:34:11.199
that is a human drive, an instinct that's in me
585
00:34:11.920 --> 00:34:17.360
that goes back to pleasure, is around pleasure in my life.
586
00:34:18.199 --> 00:34:21.400
Some people have the concepts and I'm not going to
587
00:34:21.440 --> 00:34:24.079
get into any biblical argument that, you know, sex is
588
00:34:24.079 --> 00:34:29.079
only for reproducing, having babies, things like that, not my experience,
589
00:34:29.159 --> 00:34:34.000
not my life, so not my experience around that, but
590
00:34:34.320 --> 00:34:38.920
sex in itself for me today, sex in itself is
591
00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:43.159
a sacred experience that I get to experience somebody I
592
00:34:43.199 --> 00:34:46.840
want to have a connection with. It's not always somebody
593
00:34:47.800 --> 00:34:50.800
that I'm deeply in love with, but preferably it's deeply
594
00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:52.679
in love with. But it's somebody I have a connection
595
00:34:52.840 --> 00:34:56.760
with that I trust, that I'm intimate with. So then
596
00:34:56.920 --> 00:35:03.199
that leads into the intimacy. Intimacy is all about into me,
597
00:35:03.440 --> 00:35:10.480
you see. So intimacy isn't the biggest confusion with people
598
00:35:10.519 --> 00:35:16.039
with complex trauma is the difference between intimacy and intensity.
599
00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:23.440
So people with complex trauma respond to emotional emotions with
600
00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:28.719
intense emotions, thinking this is how we're supposed to feel,
601
00:35:28.840 --> 00:35:33.880
this is what we're supposed to feel boring. Love, healthy
602
00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:37.639
stuff to people with complex trauma or dysfunctional stuff or
603
00:35:37.719 --> 00:35:40.960
codependency seems boring. It seems boring when you're in a
604
00:35:41.000 --> 00:35:44.679
healthy relationship because it's not that highs and lives is
605
00:35:44.760 --> 00:35:47.960
not that intense in the beginning, until you learn that
606
00:35:48.079 --> 00:35:51.239
pleasure and you learn how to bring that intimacy into yourself.
607
00:35:51.519 --> 00:35:54.119
You must know you've got to get to know who
608
00:35:54.199 --> 00:35:58.039
you are to know what you like. If you have
609
00:35:58.440 --> 00:36:03.000
a history of sexual abuse, the act of sex is
610
00:36:03.119 --> 00:36:07.920
normally or can be connected to complete withdrawal and never
611
00:36:08.159 --> 00:36:11.159
ever letting anybody touch you ever again because that's your
612
00:36:11.159 --> 00:36:17.039
protective mechanism, or over over extreme acting out sexual aim
613
00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:22.519
to the extreme of sex into sex addiction because it's
614
00:36:22.519 --> 00:36:26.800
your only place you've ever got attention. So both extremes
615
00:36:26.800 --> 00:36:30.360
are on this. The more you learn to be intimate
616
00:36:30.599 --> 00:36:33.800
with yourself, so learn who you are, learn what you like.
617
00:36:34.559 --> 00:36:37.880
Don't be afraid to explore who you are in a
618
00:36:37.960 --> 00:36:41.639
sexual manner. A lot of people have that I can't
619
00:36:41.639 --> 00:36:43.760
be who I am because of what you will think
620
00:36:43.800 --> 00:36:48.920
of me. So exploring who you are, and if it
621
00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:54.920
is done with respect and love and genuineness and authenticity
622
00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:58.760
for yourself. First, it's got You've got to be safe
623
00:36:58.800 --> 00:37:02.360
within you do You have to know how to say
624
00:37:02.519 --> 00:37:06.760
this is not okay or this is okay before you
625
00:37:06.840 --> 00:37:11.000
can enter a healthy sexual relationship. So if your history
626
00:37:11.239 --> 00:37:15.239
is one of abuse, those words aren't something we learned
627
00:37:15.320 --> 00:37:18.880
to do very well. If sex has been used against us,
628
00:37:18.960 --> 00:37:21.480
it's been used to harm us, it's been used to
629
00:37:21.880 --> 00:37:28.199
control us. So it's a huge issue when people are
630
00:37:28.280 --> 00:37:31.679
processing this as they go through the needs. I get
631
00:37:31.719 --> 00:37:36.440
people to focus more on the intimacy, and when people
632
00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:39.519
focus more on intimacy, and when I focus more on
633
00:37:39.559 --> 00:37:42.199
my own intimacy, well, who are you, what do you like?
634
00:37:42.360 --> 00:37:45.119
Are you sensual? What do you like to do? Who
635
00:37:45.119 --> 00:37:47.800
do you like to be with? What's your sexual preferences?
636
00:37:47.840 --> 00:37:52.119
When I explored all my world with that, the act
637
00:37:52.239 --> 00:37:57.320
of sex became a natural process instead of it trying
638
00:37:57.360 --> 00:38:00.519
to give me the love and the talent of validation
639
00:38:00.599 --> 00:38:03.280
and attention and stuff that I was always seeking in
640
00:38:03.320 --> 00:38:06.760
the past. So yes, it's always an interesting one and
641
00:38:06.840 --> 00:38:10.639
people are like, I just did the align recording for
642
00:38:10.719 --> 00:38:12.960
this one, so it was great. It was good too,
643
00:38:13.559 --> 00:38:16.679
like pop it all out again. But the intensity is
644
00:38:16.719 --> 00:38:21.519
something we need to really recognize in ourselves when it's exciting.
645
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:25.119
You know, I always joke about when I was unhealthy
646
00:38:25.199 --> 00:38:29.119
and still in my trauma responses and still living out
647
00:38:29.119 --> 00:38:32.960
of my trauma world, I could walk into the room
648
00:38:33.280 --> 00:38:39.079
and the most unhealthiest addictive person would be the one
649
00:38:39.119 --> 00:38:43.480
that lit me up. Oh hello, and now I run.
650
00:38:44.079 --> 00:38:47.159
Now I'm like nah, So yeah, so it's.
651
00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:50.719
Very different who And do you feel that part of
652
00:38:50.719 --> 00:38:57.360
that is you're own healing a better radar, greater and
653
00:38:57.800 --> 00:38:58.440
with yourself.
654
00:38:59.719 --> 00:39:03.480
Yeah, all of but healed shame. I healed my shame
655
00:39:03.559 --> 00:39:08.320
around who I was. You know, I was more way
656
00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:11.039
more valuable in the world than what I could do
657
00:39:11.079 --> 00:39:13.800
sexually or who I was sexually.
658
00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:18.920
Yeah. I can really see like with this as there's like,
659
00:39:19.920 --> 00:39:25.400
you know, not just shame, but potential prior abuse. And
660
00:39:25.440 --> 00:39:31.119
then I also like there's so much misinformation and control
661
00:39:31.519 --> 00:39:35.320
and so being able to kind of rewire the knowledge
662
00:39:35.360 --> 00:39:38.719
that you may have or part of the belief system
663
00:39:38.800 --> 00:39:42.880
about within that chain of what's good or what's bad,
664
00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:45.119
or what's real or what's dangerous.
665
00:39:45.480 --> 00:39:49.199
Yeah, and this need is really like it's connected to
666
00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:52.400
all the needs and they're all entwined they're all entwined
667
00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:55.719
with each other. But this one, when it's out of whack,
668
00:39:56.679 --> 00:39:59.920
also hits a lot of the food. There is so
669
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.679
so many studies done now around people with obesity and
670
00:40:03.760 --> 00:40:07.920
sexual abuse, with the sexual abuse history. It's a way
671
00:40:07.920 --> 00:40:12.239
we protect ourselves. We comfort with stuff we eat, we protect,
672
00:40:12.360 --> 00:40:14.960
we put on weight, we have armor. Nobody will be
673
00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:18.320
attracted to us if we're you know, a certain size,
674
00:40:19.119 --> 00:40:23.679
And that's all the shame feeding the all the beliefs
675
00:40:23.719 --> 00:40:28.000
around what I look like is who I truly am,
676
00:40:28.199 --> 00:40:31.559
and it's not true. So I guess you know, for
677
00:40:31.639 --> 00:40:34.400
people who are listening with this one, Andy, this one
678
00:40:34.400 --> 00:40:37.280
I do always send with a pretty big warning because
679
00:40:38.159 --> 00:40:41.480
if you have been somebody who has had any I
680
00:40:41.480 --> 00:40:48.840
don't care whether it's whether it's and in any inappropriate attention,
681
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:55.000
and it's caused you to feel uncomfortable. This needs support,
682
00:40:55.360 --> 00:40:59.079
This needs help, This needs people to walk alongside. It's
683
00:40:59.159 --> 00:41:03.440
not something I've ever been able to help by myself
684
00:41:04.119 --> 00:41:08.159
or friends or colleagues or the people that I know
685
00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:12.039
have been in my situations. It's not something that just
686
00:41:12.119 --> 00:41:16.599
goes away. This one gets buried, but it comes out
687
00:41:16.760 --> 00:41:24.079
sideways in food, in overworking over succeeding in acting out
688
00:41:24.119 --> 00:41:28.360
sexually and inappropriate ways, risky behavior all that. So if
689
00:41:28.400 --> 00:41:31.280
this is something, if the audience is listening and people
690
00:41:31.320 --> 00:41:33.360
are getting triggered with this one because it is a
691
00:41:33.400 --> 00:41:35.800
triggering one, they all are by this one in particular,
692
00:41:37.199 --> 00:41:40.400
please seek please seek out some support to help you
693
00:41:41.159 --> 00:41:43.719
walk through any pain that you're still carrying.
694
00:41:46.360 --> 00:41:51.159
Save healthy people and save healthy spaces can be so valuable.
695
00:41:52.840 --> 00:41:58.119
I want to shift gears into the emotional needs. And
696
00:41:58.199 --> 00:42:02.239
so I think you know you talked about how these
697
00:42:02.280 --> 00:42:04.559
all intertwine with each other, and I can see how
698
00:42:04.599 --> 00:42:08.000
the next one, the need for acceptance, we will definitely
699
00:42:08.039 --> 00:42:10.440
intertwine with all of them. So could you share with
700
00:42:10.519 --> 00:42:13.840
us you know what that need for acceptances and what
701
00:42:13.880 --> 00:42:14.519
that looks like.
702
00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:22.360
Yeah, so acceptance is one of the in the emotional needs.
703
00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:26.480
Acceptances is one that if we don't have that, the
704
00:42:26.519 --> 00:42:30.480
rest are almost impossible to get. So learning how to
705
00:42:30.639 --> 00:42:36.599
accept yourself as you are, full stop. Not I will
706
00:42:36.639 --> 00:42:40.800
accept myself if I'm ten kilos lighter, or if i'm yeah,
707
00:42:40.880 --> 00:42:44.159
my face doesn't have wrinkles, or I have more money
708
00:42:44.199 --> 00:42:47.920
in the bank, or I have better home or better life,
709
00:42:48.039 --> 00:42:53.159
or I have a different family. Acceptance plays with expectations,
710
00:42:53.880 --> 00:43:01.159
so we have unrealistic expectations from our trauma what we
711
00:43:01.320 --> 00:43:04.880
should look like. So when I work with people with
712
00:43:04.920 --> 00:43:06.679
this one, I say, I want you to do a
713
00:43:06.719 --> 00:43:09.960
should list. I want you to write down all the
714
00:43:10.039 --> 00:43:13.280
shoulds that your little brain tells you. I should go
715
00:43:13.360 --> 00:43:15.280
to joke yoga. I've been trying to get back to
716
00:43:15.360 --> 00:43:17.960
yoga for six months as I moved into my new place.
717
00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:21.360
I should walk more, I should exercise better. I should
718
00:43:21.440 --> 00:43:22.880
I should I should be a pair of marm I
719
00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:24.719
should have been a bed parent. I should not have
720
00:43:24.800 --> 00:43:27.119
this trauma. I should be able to do this work
721
00:43:27.159 --> 00:43:30.679
without paying counselors. And you know, so whatever your should
722
00:43:31.119 --> 00:43:36.000
list is is actually your non acceptance list of yourself
723
00:43:36.039 --> 00:43:40.800
as well. So when people start coming into this, and
724
00:43:40.840 --> 00:43:46.320
my experience with this was my acceptance of myself was
725
00:43:47.000 --> 00:43:51.360
based on your reaction to me. So if I walked
726
00:43:51.400 --> 00:43:54.400
into a room and you said, wow, more regul look
727
00:43:54.440 --> 00:43:57.320
really pretty today, then I accepted I was a pretty person.
728
00:43:57.400 --> 00:44:00.400
I accepted that I was an attractive woman. I walked
729
00:44:00.440 --> 00:44:03.559
into a room and you didn't say it, I went,
730
00:44:03.599 --> 00:44:05.800
oh my god, what I'm wearing today is not acceptable.
731
00:44:06.320 --> 00:44:12.320
So my entire being was based on an external acceptance
732
00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:16.440
from the world. So I had to learn to start
733
00:44:16.480 --> 00:44:20.079
accepting me, and it was probably the hardest thing to do.
734
00:44:21.079 --> 00:44:23.920
And I said this all the time. You cannot go
735
00:44:24.079 --> 00:44:29.599
from self loathing to self love overnight. This takes time,
736
00:44:30.519 --> 00:44:35.440
effort processing, changing those goat tracking beliefs that we have
737
00:44:35.519 --> 00:44:39.360
about ourselves, and it has to start with the smallest thing.
738
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:43.719
So I normally get people to choose two things. One
739
00:44:43.719 --> 00:44:46.000
thing you like about you as a human being. So
740
00:44:46.119 --> 00:44:49.000
what's one thing you like about yourself, and what is
741
00:44:49.159 --> 00:44:53.639
one thing you like physically about yourself. So people will say, well,
742
00:44:53.679 --> 00:44:56.800
I'm kind. Great. I want you for the next month
743
00:44:56.920 --> 00:45:00.400
to tell yourself every day I am an incredibly kind
744
00:45:00.519 --> 00:45:04.079
human being. But then I want you to demonstrate to
745
00:45:04.280 --> 00:45:08.639
yourself how that looks. So if I'm saying I'm kind,
746
00:45:09.239 --> 00:45:11.519
and then I'm in my head going, oh, you're an idiot.
747
00:45:11.559 --> 00:45:14.559
More egg, You're this, more egg, that's not kind. So
748
00:45:15.480 --> 00:45:20.159
providing our needs isn't just an intellectual activity. It's an
749
00:45:20.760 --> 00:45:23.760
activity that we need to do. It's action that I
750
00:45:23.840 --> 00:45:27.000
need to change what I think. I don't change my
751
00:45:27.079 --> 00:45:29.840
thinking by changing my thinking. I change my thinking by
752
00:45:29.880 --> 00:45:35.400
changing my actions, which then changes my emotions. So I
753
00:45:35.599 --> 00:45:39.000
started with my eyes because I always like my eyes.
754
00:45:39.039 --> 00:45:41.559
I've always liked my eyes. They'd been my favorite part
755
00:45:41.559 --> 00:45:44.039
of my being, my whole life. So I start with
756
00:45:44.079 --> 00:45:46.400
my eyes. I really like your eyes. Morek You've got
757
00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:48.559
really pretty eyes. Mork, your cat's eyes. More eggs. I
758
00:45:48.559 --> 00:45:50.960
have all these little dots in the women. They're very hazel.
759
00:45:51.239 --> 00:45:54.280
So every day I would say, I'm kind, and today
760
00:45:54.280 --> 00:45:57.320
I'm going to demonstrate that by trying not to beat
761
00:45:57.320 --> 00:46:00.480
myself up when I do something wrong. So choosing little
762
00:46:01.119 --> 00:46:04.119
They're huge things, but they're little things. And then every
763
00:46:04.119 --> 00:46:06.960
morning I would say, I absolutely love your eyes. And
764
00:46:07.000 --> 00:46:09.840
then I could move to my eyebrows, and then I
765
00:46:09.880 --> 00:46:14.480
could move to my Eventually I could move to Most days,
766
00:46:14.559 --> 00:46:16.239
I wake up in the morning and I look in
767
00:46:16.280 --> 00:46:18.199
the mirror and I go, oh, my god, you're an amazing,
768
00:46:18.199 --> 00:46:22.320
beautiful woman. Some days I wake up and go, oh, sweetie,
769
00:46:23.280 --> 00:46:25.960
you should have went to bed eartier last night. You
770
00:46:26.000 --> 00:46:29.519
look at the LaGG it today. But that's also the
771
00:46:29.639 --> 00:46:35.079
acceptance I accept. The day I accept everything. I accept
772
00:46:35.159 --> 00:46:40.239
my defaults as well as my assets in myself. Today
773
00:46:40.719 --> 00:46:44.840
I am a whole human being. And what happened when
774
00:46:44.840 --> 00:46:48.119
I started accepting myself. I started validating me as a
775
00:46:48.199 --> 00:46:52.800
human being, and that validation started becoming what I knew
776
00:46:52.880 --> 00:46:56.920
to be true about myself. I started to truly believe
777
00:46:57.239 --> 00:47:01.760
this is who I was. The more I believed who
778
00:47:01.840 --> 00:47:06.280
I was, the more the external world started to confirm
779
00:47:06.719 --> 00:47:09.960
to me that's who I was. So I went from
780
00:47:10.480 --> 00:47:15.280
seeking validation to becoming someone who got confirmation of what
781
00:47:15.599 --> 00:47:18.599
I knew to be true. So, but a lot of
782
00:47:18.679 --> 00:47:22.760
shame work, a lot of that mirror work, you know,
783
00:47:22.880 --> 00:47:26.280
still to this day or my mirror, I am written
784
00:47:26.280 --> 00:47:30.039
at the top of my mirror, and every morning I
785
00:47:30.079 --> 00:47:32.960
write to say a list, I am strong, I am beautiful,
786
00:47:33.039 --> 00:47:35.800
I'm confident I am and whatever comes to my mind
787
00:47:35.880 --> 00:47:38.440
I am of that day. So still to this day,
788
00:47:38.519 --> 00:47:40.519
I do that every single day. I wake up in
789
00:47:40.559 --> 00:47:42.679
the morning and always say to myself, good morning, more egg,
790
00:47:42.760 --> 00:47:46.000
I love you, because she needs to hear that. She
791
00:47:46.159 --> 00:47:48.519
needs to hear that love. She needs to know that
792
00:47:48.599 --> 00:47:52.599
every single day she's accepted no matter how she presents today.
793
00:47:53.760 --> 00:47:57.119
And coming from a home with complex trauma, and this
794
00:47:57.159 --> 00:48:02.559
probably leads into love coming from a homeless complex drama.
795
00:48:03.079 --> 00:48:09.239
That statement was conditional. Being loved was conditional. So me
796
00:48:09.519 --> 00:48:12.679
loving me unconditionally means I love me warts and all,
797
00:48:12.760 --> 00:48:15.599
freckles and all. I have more freckles on my arms
798
00:48:15.599 --> 00:48:19.599
and legs than there's golden fortknots, you know, And I
799
00:48:19.639 --> 00:48:21.559
had to get to a stage in my life where
800
00:48:21.559 --> 00:48:27.039
I loved every single one of those freckles. So and
801
00:48:27.199 --> 00:48:30.199
some days I do it one hundred percent and some
802
00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:33.360
days I do it for twenty percent. None of these
803
00:48:33.480 --> 00:48:35.760
are going to be something we do one hundred percent
804
00:48:36.039 --> 00:48:39.199
every single day, but we do the best we can
805
00:48:39.320 --> 00:48:39.960
with what we have.
806
00:48:40.280 --> 00:48:43.480
In that moment, I'd be honest, my mind stopped for
807
00:48:43.519 --> 00:48:46.159
a second when you said your shed list is were
808
00:48:46.199 --> 00:48:47.239
you not where.
809
00:48:47.079 --> 00:48:49.400
You not accept yourself? Where you don't accept yourself?
810
00:48:49.920 --> 00:48:51.920
I like started to think of some of my the
811
00:48:51.960 --> 00:48:54.880
sheds that I still have, and I was like, oh, yeah,
812
00:48:55.039 --> 00:49:01.000
that's true. I really really love too, how you you
813
00:49:01.039 --> 00:49:04.679
know again, like many of these there's a sense of
814
00:49:06.079 --> 00:49:09.920
bringing it into something that's like really tiny. It's almost
815
00:49:09.960 --> 00:49:14.360
like what's the smallest step that I And then also
816
00:49:14.480 --> 00:49:17.599
that like demonstrating it bringing it into the world action,
817
00:49:18.440 --> 00:49:21.039
because that's so it's so true, like if you're showing
818
00:49:21.159 --> 00:49:24.400
up for yourself, you may not feel like you accept yourself,
819
00:49:24.760 --> 00:49:27.039
but just by showing up for yourself through that action,
820
00:49:27.280 --> 00:49:30.920
you can be accepting yourself. And that that feeling may
821
00:49:31.239 --> 00:49:36.679
may and can We'll start to develop later. I think
822
00:49:36.719 --> 00:49:38.920
this may come later too. But one of the things
823
00:49:38.920 --> 00:49:42.119
that I feel really goes here for me is that
824
00:49:42.159 --> 00:49:46.519
act of reparenting. And I think, like reparenting it kind
825
00:49:46.559 --> 00:49:50.480
of fits with all of the emotional needs, but and
826
00:49:50.559 --> 00:49:54.599
I use it definitely more with love. But when I
827
00:49:54.679 --> 00:49:59.079
find kind of like a negative emotion in myself, like
828
00:49:59.159 --> 00:50:02.360
I do a form of parts work, but I get
829
00:50:02.400 --> 00:50:05.719
to that point where I realize that, you know, a
830
00:50:05.719 --> 00:50:08.559
lot of these are you know, if you don't accept
831
00:50:08.679 --> 00:50:11.559
freckles or you don't accept your body, like, these are
832
00:50:11.960 --> 00:50:16.639
survival adaptations and recognizing it. You know, it's not a deform,
833
00:50:16.719 --> 00:50:21.679
a defect, a disorder, a disease, a negative emotion. We
834
00:50:21.800 --> 00:50:24.079
use all these words, but the reality is that they're
835
00:50:24.079 --> 00:50:29.239
all these survival adaptations and it helped us to survive,
836
00:50:30.320 --> 00:50:33.199
you know, in whatever environment we're in or with whatever
837
00:50:33.480 --> 00:50:36.719
caretakers or authority figures that we had in our life.
838
00:50:36.760 --> 00:50:39.760
At the time, and so once we start to recognize that,
839
00:50:39.800 --> 00:50:43.800
we can maybe start to have an ounce of compassion
840
00:50:44.360 --> 00:50:47.719
or an ounce of expense for most parts of ourself.
841
00:50:48.280 --> 00:50:50.480
I think that's been for me. That's been one of
842
00:50:50.519 --> 00:50:55.400
my biggest paths forward with this has been really recognizing
843
00:50:55.400 --> 00:50:59.760
that sort of survival adaptation and and being being more
844
00:50:59.800 --> 00:51:02.559
okay with these parts of me that don't like other
845
00:51:02.679 --> 00:51:05.199
parts of me, or these parts of me that don't
846
00:51:05.360 --> 00:51:06.760
like huge parts of me.
847
00:51:09.119 --> 00:51:12.079
And curiosity comes into play with this too, Andy, Like
848
00:51:12.719 --> 00:51:17.760
you know, my dialogue in my head was very critical,
849
00:51:18.119 --> 00:51:23.320
very very critical, like you know, the words. If anybody
850
00:51:23.320 --> 00:51:25.039
in my life would have spoken those words to me,
851
00:51:25.079 --> 00:51:27.079
they probably wouldn't have been around. But I was used
852
00:51:27.079 --> 00:51:31.880
to speak to myself so degrading, so so harmful in
853
00:51:32.199 --> 00:51:35.119
you know, to my own being. And I just learned
854
00:51:35.679 --> 00:51:40.199
instead of being critical, I learned to be compassionate and curious.
855
00:51:40.639 --> 00:51:42.760
So when that stuff's up comes up, when I get
856
00:51:42.760 --> 00:51:45.800
what do you image today or goh, it's interesting. Why do
857
00:51:45.840 --> 00:51:49.599
you feel that today, sweetie? Body hasn't changed since yesterday
858
00:51:49.639 --> 00:51:51.760
and yesterday you're okay, Why do you feel it today?
859
00:51:51.840 --> 00:51:55.280
What's going on? And instead of going oh you fat,
860
00:51:55.280 --> 00:51:57.760
peace and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, you
861
00:51:57.760 --> 00:52:00.360
know you're lazy and go work out the gym. I
862
00:52:00.400 --> 00:52:03.199
was thinking, that's going to work, you know, because when
863
00:52:03.239 --> 00:52:06.159
we don't have this acceptance of ourselves, we harm ourselves
864
00:52:06.800 --> 00:52:10.079
because we try and prove that we are you know,
865
00:52:10.480 --> 00:52:12.960
and finances is another part that goes with this, and
866
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:15.800
I share this with a friend once, so I said,
867
00:52:15.840 --> 00:52:19.559
you know, sometimes financially, we spend money that we don't have,
868
00:52:19.679 --> 00:52:22.280
buying things we don't need to impress people we don't like.
869
00:52:22.960 --> 00:52:26.360
And that's the cycle of this in our life. I
870
00:52:26.480 --> 00:52:29.840
do things to impress people, and do things that I
871
00:52:29.880 --> 00:52:32.000
don't have, and do things to impress people. So I
872
00:52:32.039 --> 00:52:34.480
try and get my needs mat and may not like them,
873
00:52:34.480 --> 00:52:37.280
but I'm trying to get them to like me. So
874
00:52:37.400 --> 00:52:42.079
the more I got to like me, and on the
875
00:52:42.159 --> 00:52:44.199
tail end of this one, the more I got to
876
00:52:44.400 --> 00:52:47.159
like me. When you told me I was a really
877
00:52:47.280 --> 00:52:51.880
nice person, it landed differently like I was such a
878
00:52:52.199 --> 00:52:57.440
needy person of compliments and like validation, Like you would
879
00:52:57.480 --> 00:52:59.599
give me a compliment and then I'd run around and
880
00:52:59.599 --> 00:53:02.239
tell ten different people that you gave me a compliment,
881
00:53:02.599 --> 00:53:06.800
so they would reaffirm, trying to convince my shame that
882
00:53:06.880 --> 00:53:13.000
it didn't exist. That's what that behavior does. But now
883
00:53:13.280 --> 00:53:16.840
the shame doesn't exist most of the time. And you know,
884
00:53:16.960 --> 00:53:19.079
some of my wounds are deep and the shame is
885
00:53:19.079 --> 00:53:24.559
still there, but it's minimal. But most of the time,
886
00:53:24.800 --> 00:53:27.920
the shame doesn't exist. So when you say more, we
887
00:53:28.000 --> 00:53:31.159
really love working with you and we love your presentations
888
00:53:31.199 --> 00:53:34.000
on this, I go, yeah, thank you, Andy, But it
889
00:53:34.039 --> 00:53:36.239
doesn't have to be oh my god, yes, Andy loves
890
00:53:36.280 --> 00:53:40.079
me like. That's the shift and change, and that's evident
891
00:53:40.440 --> 00:53:42.519
to the people who have been in my life for
892
00:53:42.559 --> 00:53:45.880
a long time. They've seen the difference in me around
893
00:53:45.920 --> 00:53:48.559
that they've seen the difference, and I'm not. And if
894
00:53:48.559 --> 00:53:50.880
you were asked me fifteen years ago, did I think
895
00:53:50.920 --> 00:53:53.639
I was needy and clinging? I would have gone, nah,
896
00:53:53.760 --> 00:53:57.880
I'm really strong and independent. As long as you told
897
00:53:57.880 --> 00:53:59.719
me I was strong and independent, I believed.
898
00:54:00.480 --> 00:54:03.320
But told me that at a different point. And so
899
00:54:03.400 --> 00:54:04.920
I want to tell you that that's what.
900
00:54:04.920 --> 00:54:05.480
I am now.
901
00:54:05.760 --> 00:54:09.639
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, And so it is. It is
902
00:54:10.679 --> 00:54:15.639
acceptance is in the AA literature. They have a paragraph
903
00:54:15.639 --> 00:54:17.599
in the back of the big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,
904
00:54:17.599 --> 00:54:20.440
and it says acceptance is a key to all our troubles,
905
00:54:21.079 --> 00:54:25.239
And it's actually true. When I accept me as I
906
00:54:25.320 --> 00:54:30.119
am just like this just today, then there is no
907
00:54:31.000 --> 00:54:34.159
unrealistic expectation that I'm going to be anything different. There's
908
00:54:34.159 --> 00:54:39.719
no disappointment, there's no resentment, and there's no seeking. Well,
909
00:54:39.760 --> 00:54:41.360
today I'm in a bad mood. So I'm in a
910
00:54:41.360 --> 00:54:42.039
bad mood.
911
00:54:42.360 --> 00:54:42.639
You know.
912
00:54:42.880 --> 00:54:46.039
So Yeah, as you go through that, I can just
913
00:54:46.159 --> 00:54:49.440
feel like I could see kind of the emotional energy
914
00:54:49.519 --> 00:54:53.360
that we have trapped up in the non acceptance of
915
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:56.840
who we are and how we're feeling and what we're doing.
916
00:54:57.400 --> 00:54:59.159
I want to move us. I think this kind of
917
00:54:59.599 --> 00:55:01.800
emerge into it a little bit. And so maybe you
918
00:55:01.880 --> 00:55:08.159
could distinguish how respect differs from acceptance and you know,
919
00:55:08.199 --> 00:55:10.599
what does self respect look like practically?
920
00:55:11.519 --> 00:55:14.480
Yeah, this was one of the hardest ones for me
921
00:55:14.559 --> 00:55:18.599
because I had no idea. I didn't know I would
922
00:55:18.639 --> 00:55:23.599
swing between being aggressive and demanding you treat me in
923
00:55:23.599 --> 00:55:26.320
a particular way, thinking that was respect and that I
924
00:55:27.960 --> 00:55:33.079
it was my given right that you respected me to
925
00:55:33.360 --> 00:55:37.039
being a doormat. That's that they were the swings that
926
00:55:37.119 --> 00:55:41.079
I was like it was like no respect whatsoever. And
927
00:55:42.239 --> 00:55:47.400
with this one was I had to learn to go external.
928
00:55:47.840 --> 00:55:52.360
Like I saw people who I considered respect it themselves,
929
00:55:52.760 --> 00:55:55.480
so I spoke to them, is it tell me what
930
00:55:55.559 --> 00:56:00.840
respect means to you? And when I started doing that,
931
00:56:01.000 --> 00:56:04.880
I started getting examples and I started to go, okay,
932
00:56:05.079 --> 00:56:11.000
so respect means that I don't when I set a
933
00:56:11.039 --> 00:56:14.880
boundary for myself. When I said an internal boundary, respect
934
00:56:14.920 --> 00:56:17.840
for me is that I stick to it. When I
935
00:56:17.920 --> 00:56:20.880
disrespect myself is that I don't stick to it. And
936
00:56:20.960 --> 00:56:24.159
same with external boundaries. If I've asked you for something
937
00:56:24.719 --> 00:56:27.559
and you don't do that, then I respect myself enough
938
00:56:27.599 --> 00:56:30.280
to say, then this isn't something I can be in anymore.
939
00:56:30.880 --> 00:56:34.639
I can walk away. So the respect came and I
940
00:56:34.719 --> 00:56:37.599
learned this. One of the rehabs that I've worked in
941
00:56:37.599 --> 00:56:39.519
in many years, I used to say to the guys
942
00:56:39.519 --> 00:56:42.000
because people in early recovery, we swear a lot. Australian
943
00:56:42.039 --> 00:56:44.599
swear a lot. We swear a lot in early recovery.
944
00:56:44.679 --> 00:56:48.760
You know, people come from barroom conversations. We don't have
945
00:56:48.840 --> 00:56:51.000
any other language, so we swear. In one of the
946
00:56:51.039 --> 00:56:54.559
rehabs I worked in, the guys and the girls. They
947
00:56:54.599 --> 00:56:57.559
swore all the time. I'd be running some trauma work
948
00:56:57.599 --> 00:56:59.679
and they'd be like F and C and D and
949
00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:02.119
bah blah blah. Every other word was you know, F
950
00:57:02.199 --> 00:57:05.360
this or blah blah blah. I don't have a problem
951
00:57:05.400 --> 00:57:08.199
with that, because when somebody's soul is talking to me,
952
00:57:08.360 --> 00:57:11.400
I hear the language, not the words, So I don't
953
00:57:11.440 --> 00:57:14.000
have a problem with that. But I said to them,
954
00:57:14.199 --> 00:57:17.400
I don't care if you guys swear around me or
955
00:57:17.440 --> 00:57:20.679
even in your conversation and that's how you express, but
956
00:57:20.840 --> 00:57:23.480
you will respect me as a person that is delivering
957
00:57:23.480 --> 00:57:27.880
this material and you will never swear at me. And
958
00:57:27.920 --> 00:57:31.119
it was like they're like, no problem, more egg, we
959
00:57:31.199 --> 00:57:34.840
can do that. We won't swear at you. And then
960
00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:38.400
over time, when the new person would come in and
961
00:57:38.440 --> 00:57:41.360
I would be prerepping for the class or something, I
962
00:57:41.360 --> 00:57:43.800
would hear the guys say, right, you're not allow us
963
00:57:43.800 --> 00:57:45.280
swear at more egg. If you swear at more egg,
964
00:57:45.280 --> 00:57:46.519
we're going to take you out and deal with you.
965
00:57:47.320 --> 00:57:51.079
So me, teaching on that boundary about how they were
966
00:57:51.119 --> 00:57:56.480
allowed to talk to me, then gave them what respect
967
00:57:56.559 --> 00:57:59.280
looked like. So I taught them to respect me, so
968
00:57:59.360 --> 00:58:02.400
they learnt what respect was. So then they then taught
969
00:58:02.440 --> 00:58:05.480
it to other people as well, and eventually they stopped
970
00:58:05.519 --> 00:58:08.519
swearing and they started using other language because that's just
971
00:58:08.559 --> 00:58:13.039
part of the process. But it's things like, if I'm
972
00:58:13.079 --> 00:58:17.719
respecting myself, I'm doing what I say I'm going to do,
973
00:58:18.800 --> 00:58:21.559
that's me respecting me. If I say I'm not going
974
00:58:21.639 --> 00:58:25.719
to eat junk food for six months because it makes
975
00:58:25.719 --> 00:58:28.400
me feel sick, and I go and eat it, I'm
976
00:58:28.440 --> 00:58:32.519
not respecting myself. I'm disrespecting me. If I'm in a
977
00:58:32.559 --> 00:58:38.079
relationship that's toxic, I disrespect me. If I'm in a
978
00:58:38.119 --> 00:58:45.039
work situation that's abusive, anyway, I'm disrespecting myself. This had
979
00:58:45.119 --> 00:58:48.719
to be healed through shame. I had to heal my
980
00:58:48.840 --> 00:58:53.639
shame connected to my worth as a human being, because
981
00:58:53.639 --> 00:58:57.519
somebody with the belief that they're not worthy am not.
982
00:58:58.000 --> 00:58:59.800
You're not going to be able to ask for some
983
00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:02.599
body to respect you because you won't believe you actually
984
00:59:02.599 --> 00:59:06.519
need to be respected. So it takes a lot of work.
985
00:59:06.960 --> 00:59:08.880
And you know, I say it takes a lot of work.
986
00:59:08.960 --> 00:59:12.400
It's not like you have to sit down and knuckle
987
00:59:12.480 --> 00:59:14.960
down for you know, fifteen hours a day trying to
988
00:59:14.960 --> 00:59:17.480
work out your shame. It takes the process of learning
989
00:59:17.559 --> 00:59:20.360
how to process your shame and go through every time
990
00:59:20.360 --> 00:59:22.519
it comes up. Okay, this is my shame, it's my worth.
991
00:59:22.559 --> 00:59:25.239
What do I really believe? How do I respect myself
992
00:59:25.280 --> 00:59:29.199
in this situation? What would somebody who they know respect himselves?
993
00:59:29.440 --> 00:59:33.760
So respect to me looks like on a whole, that
994
00:59:33.880 --> 00:59:37.599
I treat myself well, that I speak to myself well.
995
00:59:37.639 --> 00:59:41.760
So this brings in you know, when I'm working with
996
00:59:41.800 --> 00:59:44.320
people and the work I do myself. So anything I
997
00:59:44.400 --> 00:59:47.679
do with other people I've created through me doing it
998
00:59:47.760 --> 00:59:52.599
in me first. So when I work on this with myself,
999
00:59:52.719 --> 00:59:57.159
is like, how does it look emotionally that I respect myself?
1000
00:59:57.440 --> 01:00:01.719
So I trust my feelings, I trust my gut, I
1001
01:00:01.760 --> 01:00:04.079
allow myself to have my feelings. So if I'm angry,
1002
01:00:04.119 --> 01:00:06.480
I'm angry. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm happy,
1003
01:00:06.480 --> 01:00:09.800
I'm happy. So that's me respecting my emotions. How do
1004
01:00:09.880 --> 01:00:13.000
I respect my emotions? How do I respect myself mentally?
1005
01:00:13.679 --> 01:00:15.960
I don't put crap in my head. I don't watch
1006
01:00:16.039 --> 01:00:19.039
violent movies. I don't read you know, I don't watch them.
1007
01:00:19.199 --> 01:00:22.079
I don't even watch the news. I respect myself by
1008
01:00:22.119 --> 01:00:27.760
not putting mental stuff that causes me pain. If I
1009
01:00:27.800 --> 01:00:29.960
go off on you know, if I get triggered in
1010
01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:32.199
something in my brain goes off on its tangion and
1011
01:00:32.239 --> 01:00:35.679
I'm ready to destroy the world once again, I try
1012
01:00:35.719 --> 01:00:38.480
and bring that back. That's not respectful. Morec that's not respectful.
1013
01:00:39.519 --> 01:00:43.719
That includes my language. So my language with people is respectful.
1014
01:00:43.840 --> 01:00:49.880
So you know, when my language would be respectful, it
1015
01:00:49.920 --> 01:00:54.159
would be demanding. So now I ask, instead of demanding people,
1016
01:00:54.920 --> 01:00:57.960
I lower my expectations and other people. How do I
1017
01:00:58.000 --> 01:01:02.239
do this? Spiritually? I have a spiritual practice, and respecting
1018
01:01:02.360 --> 01:01:06.199
that spirit within me is that I continued that spiritual
1019
01:01:06.239 --> 01:01:12.519
practice and physical mental, emotional and physical, so the physical,
1020
01:01:12.639 --> 01:01:17.480
respecting my body, like I allowed my body to be harmed.
1021
01:01:18.159 --> 01:01:22.519
I had, you know, for twenty years, I had a
1022
01:01:22.599 --> 01:01:26.960
laxative addiction abuse. I abused myself for twenty years with laxatives.
1023
01:01:27.440 --> 01:01:29.760
So all those sort of thing. Eating well so again
1024
01:01:29.880 --> 01:01:32.280
flips back up to the food and water and pleasure.
1025
01:01:32.320 --> 01:01:35.519
So this is how it cascades in the needs cascade.
1026
01:01:35.800 --> 01:01:41.559
So respecting my body by eating well, but exercising, by
1027
01:01:41.599 --> 01:01:46.679
getting enough sleep, so it encounters everything in that in
1028
01:01:46.719 --> 01:01:48.719
that in those realms.
1029
01:01:48.800 --> 01:01:52.280
So pop quiz and using the example that you just gave.
1030
01:01:52.400 --> 01:01:55.679
So you set a six month goal for free not
1031
01:01:55.800 --> 01:02:02.599
eating junk food. Day three, you've just been all day yep. Now,
1032
01:02:02.639 --> 01:02:06.480
so the respect with that is acceptance. So you get
1033
01:02:06.480 --> 01:02:11.119
back to acceptance. Okay, sweetheart. So the non respecting me
1034
01:02:11.440 --> 01:02:13.719
was you fat piece of crap?
1035
01:02:14.239 --> 01:02:16.840
You look at you, your hopeless, your web like the
1036
01:02:16.960 --> 01:02:22.079
negative dialogue would kick in. The respect is all right, sweetheart?
1037
01:02:22.159 --> 01:02:24.639
What was really going on? Okay? So you had a
1038
01:02:24.679 --> 01:02:27.679
major sweep. This isn't okay? What were you seeking? What
1039
01:02:27.719 --> 01:02:30.199
were you doing? What do you need to do today?
1040
01:02:30.360 --> 01:02:32.000
What do you need to do tomorrow to make it?
1041
01:02:32.039 --> 01:02:32.360
Okay?
1042
01:02:33.599 --> 01:02:36.480
Not do it? Okay, you've done it. So the respect
1043
01:02:36.559 --> 01:02:41.000
is going back to acceptance and saying, all right, you've
1044
01:02:41.000 --> 01:02:44.199
had a little slip or a big slip, or you've relapsed.
1045
01:02:45.159 --> 01:02:46.920
If I beat myself up and don't share with my
1046
01:02:46.920 --> 01:02:51.360
self respect, then it wasn't very respectful. I acknowledge it
1047
01:02:51.400 --> 01:02:55.480
wasn't very like acknowledging the truth is a huge healing
1048
01:02:55.599 --> 01:02:58.639
for us. Okay, that wasn't the best day, but I'm
1049
01:02:58.679 --> 01:03:01.480
not going to beat myself up, treat myself like I
1050
01:03:01.599 --> 01:03:05.280
should be hung for doing the wrong thing. I'm gonna
1051
01:03:05.280 --> 01:03:08.119
respect myself enough to say, Okay, today, I'm gonna try again.
1052
01:03:10.360 --> 01:03:14.519
You know, And that I see as you're talking here,
1053
01:03:14.559 --> 01:03:17.079
you're just bringing in all the other twelve needs. And
1054
01:03:18.000 --> 01:03:20.760
again how much like the shame and working with shame
1055
01:03:20.840 --> 01:03:25.440
underlies it, and also just the like if I could
1056
01:03:25.559 --> 01:03:28.639
sum it into two words, like i'd say alignment and action,
1057
01:03:29.760 --> 01:03:32.000
you're bringing that action again. And so there's that internal
1058
01:03:32.039 --> 01:03:35.400
alignment if here are my values and here's the actions
1059
01:03:35.400 --> 01:03:38.400
that I'm doing to align to align with those values.
1060
01:03:38.800 --> 01:03:41.599
But then also that external is like here's how I
1061
01:03:41.679 --> 01:03:45.519
will accept you treating me, and here are the actions
1062
01:03:45.519 --> 01:03:47.639
that I'll take if you're treating this way. And I
1063
01:03:47.679 --> 01:03:52.840
love I love your your response there because that's a
1064
01:03:53.119 --> 01:03:58.800
very self respecting response of moving back to acceptance. And
1065
01:03:58.840 --> 01:04:01.880
so I can see how you're using these other needs
1066
01:04:02.559 --> 01:04:05.880
as a support for you know, a support here for
1067
01:04:05.960 --> 01:04:11.000
that self respect it and it also was stepping forward.
1068
01:04:11.639 --> 01:04:15.679
That also sounded very nurturing, and so maybe we could
1069
01:04:15.719 --> 01:04:18.000
move in. Could you talk to us about what is
1070
01:04:18.119 --> 01:04:22.360
nurturing and how people can begin to offer it to themselves,
1071
01:04:22.360 --> 01:04:25.440
Like what does this need look like, yeah.
1072
01:04:25.000 --> 01:04:27.320
This is a really this one. When I started working
1073
01:04:27.360 --> 01:04:29.360
on this and then start working other people, this is
1074
01:04:29.440 --> 01:04:32.400
one that get people gets done. The definition of nurture
1075
01:04:32.679 --> 01:04:37.199
is to protect and care. So if I stay in
1076
01:04:37.239 --> 01:04:41.199
that definition, how do I nurture myself? So again go
1077
01:04:41.239 --> 01:04:43.760
to the you know, eventually I go to the once
1078
01:04:43.800 --> 01:04:46.519
I'm practicing this and I've got an understanding of it,
1079
01:04:46.599 --> 01:04:49.480
the four categories. How do I do this physically, spiritually, mentally,
1080
01:04:49.519 --> 01:04:53.199
and emotionally. So what is nurturing? So if it's protection
1081
01:04:53.320 --> 01:04:57.760
and care, and I always add softness because to me,
1082
01:04:58.440 --> 01:05:01.320
nurturing is that stuff where you know, when you do
1083
01:05:01.400 --> 01:05:06.840
see a mum holding their baby and they're like completely
1084
01:05:06.960 --> 01:05:15.559
nurturing and immersed in that child, that nurture is. You know, Physically,
1085
01:05:15.760 --> 01:05:18.519
it's like, how do I nurture my body? What do
1086
01:05:18.599 --> 01:05:22.360
I do to it to make it protected and careful? Again?
1087
01:05:22.880 --> 01:05:27.679
Shower every day? You know, do the body hygiene which
1088
01:05:27.719 --> 01:05:30.199
some of us were complex trauma never learned, never learned
1089
01:05:30.199 --> 01:05:32.719
how to do proper hygiene in our life. So you know,
1090
01:05:32.800 --> 01:05:35.199
taking care of my body, taking care of my house,
1091
01:05:35.760 --> 01:05:38.920
nurturing the environment that I live in, as that it's
1092
01:05:39.000 --> 01:05:45.280
not cluttered or chaos everywhere in the house, having you know,
1093
01:05:45.360 --> 01:05:49.280
I'm a huge crystal collector, so I have, you know,
1094
01:05:49.320 --> 01:05:51.559
and I take care of those things. So taking care
1095
01:05:51.639 --> 01:05:54.000
of the things and protecting the things that I love
1096
01:05:54.480 --> 01:05:56.280
because then like I sit on my lounge and I
1097
01:05:56.320 --> 01:05:58.199
look at my cabinet with all my crystals in it,
1098
01:05:58.320 --> 01:06:02.039
I get this feeling inside. Oh, it's really lovely to
1099
01:06:02.119 --> 01:06:05.119
have them visual for me and not in a box
1100
01:06:05.159 --> 01:06:08.280
in a cupboard somewhere. So the nurture is that to say,
1101
01:06:08.320 --> 01:06:13.239
protection and care. So when it comes to myself emotionally,
1102
01:06:13.519 --> 01:06:17.320
like protecting my emotions is really important for me. So
1103
01:06:17.480 --> 01:06:21.000
I a friend gave me a really beautiful compliment a
1104
01:06:21.000 --> 01:06:23.760
few months ago and he said to me, you know,
1105
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:26.159
you've changed so much morek He said, You're no longer
1106
01:06:26.199 --> 01:06:30.519
your trauma. And I get that today, Like my trauma
1107
01:06:30.559 --> 01:06:34.679
was my badge of honor because it protected me, because
1108
01:06:34.679 --> 01:06:37.760
if I told people certain things about myself, it kept
1109
01:06:37.800 --> 01:06:41.960
them away or it brought harm to me because people,
1110
01:06:42.280 --> 01:06:45.760
you know, both spreads ends of the spectrum. So that
1111
01:06:46.480 --> 01:06:54.719
protecting myself, learning what relationships are about, learning who I
1112
01:06:54.760 --> 01:06:56.920
can go into a conversation with, and what I can
1113
01:06:56.960 --> 01:07:00.559
tell them is extremely nurturing for me. Then, and having
1114
01:07:00.599 --> 01:07:04.159
the people that I can have those dates conversations with
1115
01:07:04.760 --> 01:07:08.800
is really nurturing for me. So having the connection. Tim
1116
01:07:08.840 --> 01:07:11.079
doesn't have the word connection in his twelve and ages.
1117
01:07:11.119 --> 01:07:14.559
He has belonging, but the connection is in the nurturing.
1118
01:07:14.639 --> 01:07:19.679
So when I'm connected again to nature, to people, to myself,
1119
01:07:20.559 --> 01:07:25.119
I feel that protected. I don't have to be anything
1120
01:07:25.239 --> 01:07:29.559
other than I am to be okay in your world.
1121
01:07:29.840 --> 01:07:32.320
I just have to be okay in my world. And
1122
01:07:32.360 --> 01:07:37.000
when I do that, that's such soul nurturing that nurtures
1123
01:07:37.039 --> 01:07:40.320
my being. It protects my being. Otherwise I'm just being
1124
01:07:40.360 --> 01:07:41.880
who you want me to be. So I can fit
1125
01:07:41.920 --> 01:07:42.280
in with you.
1126
01:07:43.639 --> 01:07:45.840
Could you maybe share some other ways that people may
1127
01:07:46.119 --> 01:07:51.000
like misunderstand nurture because I can I can see, like
1128
01:07:51.039 --> 01:07:55.400
in a complex trauma lens that we may say we're nurturing,
1129
01:07:55.519 --> 01:07:59.960
but maybe we come out as controlling or some other characters.
1130
01:08:01.039 --> 01:08:03.960
Yep. So that's one of the big ones. When people
1131
01:08:04.000 --> 01:08:09.039
are over So being helpful sometimes is not helpful. So
1132
01:08:09.119 --> 01:08:14.079
someone who will do everything for you creates helpless helplessness
1133
01:08:14.119 --> 01:08:17.600
in a human being. So stepping into people's path where
1134
01:08:17.640 --> 01:08:19.800
they're you know, they need to hit a rock bottom,
1135
01:08:19.800 --> 01:08:24.039
but you jump in and try and save them. So rescuers,
1136
01:08:25.000 --> 01:08:27.600
we think we're doing the right thing by saving people
1137
01:08:27.640 --> 01:08:31.720
and taking care of people, but we're not. We're not
1138
01:08:31.840 --> 01:08:35.520
nurturing them, although we think that people pleases. The other
1139
01:08:35.640 --> 01:08:39.560
is the other way. This presents where people think, if
1140
01:08:39.600 --> 01:08:41.800
I do what you need me to do, then it's
1141
01:08:41.880 --> 01:08:45.039
taking care of you. But eventually you can resent them
1142
01:08:45.039 --> 01:08:49.039
and you don't want to do it anyway. The control,
1143
01:08:49.399 --> 01:08:54.359
the manipulation, gas lighting, all the negative things can come in.
1144
01:08:54.840 --> 01:08:58.840
All the negative controlling, unhealthy behaviors and relationships can come
1145
01:08:58.880 --> 01:09:04.079
in here. Nurturing people, cutting people off, shutting down, withdrawing.
1146
01:09:04.279 --> 01:09:07.520
All those can come in. Where I think I'm doing
1147
01:09:07.560 --> 01:09:09.880
you a favor by stepping out of your life and
1148
01:09:09.880 --> 01:09:14.279
not explaining to you why I've left. Doesn't nurture somebody's soul.
1149
01:09:14.359 --> 01:09:19.479
It actually creates distrust and disharmony in someone's world. So
1150
01:09:20.319 --> 01:09:26.439
control control on the basis I'm doing this to be
1151
01:09:26.560 --> 01:09:29.960
helpful to you. I will manage the money and the
1152
01:09:30.000 --> 01:09:32.640
relationships because you know, I'm just a little bit better
1153
01:09:32.680 --> 01:09:37.359
than better at it than you are, doesn't nurture somebody's growth.
1154
01:09:37.439 --> 01:09:42.159
So nurture is about protection and care and growth, So
1155
01:09:42.920 --> 01:09:46.680
letting someone be who they are and growing at their
1156
01:09:46.720 --> 01:09:49.399
pace instead of forcing him into what you think they
1157
01:09:49.439 --> 01:09:49.880
should be.
1158
01:09:51.039 --> 01:09:52.920
So I want to move forward to the next one.
1159
01:09:52.960 --> 01:09:55.239
And I feel like this is the big one because
1160
01:09:55.239 --> 01:09:57.720
it's one of those things that could be so amorphous.
1161
01:09:58.239 --> 01:10:03.560
How we may not understand it, you know, just been
1162
01:10:03.800 --> 01:10:06.880
shared with us in a way that you know, well,
1163
01:10:06.960 --> 01:10:09.600
I think the thing I'm thinking of is like the oxytocin.
1164
01:10:10.760 --> 01:10:13.239
This is what I thought love was for a long time.
1165
01:10:13.560 --> 01:10:16.520
Was that that feeling of oxy when a new relationship begins.
1166
01:10:16.960 --> 01:10:20.000
And so could you share with us what the need
1167
01:10:20.079 --> 01:10:23.119
of lovers and what that looks like?
1168
01:10:24.159 --> 01:10:27.479
Yeah, and again Andy, this is you know why I
1169
01:10:27.520 --> 01:10:32.079
get people to individualize the needs because love looks different
1170
01:10:32.399 --> 01:10:37.600
to each and every person. And you can have a
1171
01:10:37.640 --> 01:10:41.199
conversation with people that is love of feeling or is
1172
01:10:41.239 --> 01:10:45.840
it an action? And it's both. It's a feeling. The
1173
01:10:45.840 --> 01:10:49.359
oxytocin happens, we get a chemical change in our body.
1174
01:10:49.520 --> 01:10:53.319
We feel or oozy and woozy and get that in
1175
01:10:53.840 --> 01:10:57.880
that that joy in our heart. We get that that
1176
01:10:58.439 --> 01:11:04.479
oh man, this person and it's so amazing. The action
1177
01:11:05.399 --> 01:11:09.199
is often more that somebody who's come from a dysfunctional
1178
01:11:09.199 --> 01:11:12.680
complex toward my home need to see to understand what
1179
01:11:12.720 --> 01:11:16.319
love is. But the actions may not be enough if
1180
01:11:16.359 --> 01:11:19.319
it's not backed up with words as well. So love
1181
01:11:19.439 --> 01:11:24.760
is something you have to feel, see, and hear. It's
1182
01:11:24.800 --> 01:11:28.039
been my experience. I have to feel it about the
1183
01:11:28.079 --> 01:11:31.199
situation or the person that I'm in. I have to
1184
01:11:31.279 --> 01:11:34.640
see it as in, what's happening in this area? What
1185
01:11:34.760 --> 01:11:38.720
does this person do that makes me feel love? What
1186
01:11:38.760 --> 01:11:43.319
do I do that makes me feel love? And then
1187
01:11:43.359 --> 01:11:47.399
how do I hear it? So if somebody loves me,
1188
01:11:48.359 --> 01:11:52.800
they don't they don't put me down, they don't speak
1189
01:11:52.800 --> 01:11:56.079
to me in a negative way. They don't criticize me,
1190
01:11:56.359 --> 01:12:00.720
they din't beerate me. So if I love me, I
1191
01:12:00.720 --> 01:12:06.199
don't criticize me, I don't berate me. I don't put
1192
01:12:06.199 --> 01:12:10.840
myself down again. Come back to food, water, all the
1193
01:12:10.880 --> 01:12:13.199
other needs. When it comes to this respect, this one
1194
01:12:13.279 --> 01:12:15.239
is definitely linked to every single one. It's kind of
1195
01:12:15.279 --> 01:12:18.840
like that with all of them. If I'm respecting myself,
1196
01:12:18.880 --> 01:12:21.000
I show my self love. If I'm accepting myself, I
1197
01:12:21.039 --> 01:12:24.319
show myself love. If I'm behaving those ways. Then I'm
1198
01:12:24.319 --> 01:12:27.039
showing my self love. I accept that I'm loved by
1199
01:12:27.119 --> 01:12:31.119
me mentally, the same kind of thing like understanding the
1200
01:12:31.199 --> 01:12:35.600
chemical that happens with dopamine, with oxytocin and dopamine when
1201
01:12:35.600 --> 01:12:38.319
it goes off. I remember a few years ago, I
1202
01:12:38.399 --> 01:12:41.199
was dating somebody. It's new on the dating scene, and
1203
01:12:41.239 --> 01:12:44.279
I was dating somebody and they may not have been
1204
01:12:44.279 --> 01:12:47.560
the most healthiest person in about five dates in, they go, oh, man,
1205
01:12:47.600 --> 01:12:49.680
I've never met anybody like you. I think I'm in
1206
01:12:49.720 --> 01:12:52.119
love with you. I don't na. It's just your oxytocin.
1207
01:12:54.359 --> 01:12:58.560
Such a joy kill. It's just oxytocin. Don't worry about it. It's
1208
01:12:58.520 --> 01:13:03.119
not true love. And I guess love of self. You
1209
01:13:03.119 --> 01:13:06.239
know a lot of people say, you know, you've got
1210
01:13:06.239 --> 01:13:09.640
to love yourself. But a friend taught me love of self.
1211
01:13:09.960 --> 01:13:12.600
So when I have that love of self, when I
1212
01:13:12.640 --> 01:13:16.520
really love me, and I do that acceptance so you know,
1213
01:13:17.000 --> 01:13:19.600
bounces back from all the needs. When I have that
1214
01:13:19.680 --> 01:13:23.840
love for me, it comes to you automatically, and then
1215
01:13:23.880 --> 01:13:25.960
the people that are in my life it comes to
1216
01:13:26.000 --> 01:13:32.000
them automatically. So when I have it for me, it's there.
1217
01:13:32.359 --> 01:13:36.520
When it comes to love of another human being. It's
1218
01:13:36.600 --> 01:13:40.119
not so much about for me today. It's not what
1219
01:13:40.359 --> 01:13:43.600
I get from them, it's what I can give to them.
1220
01:13:44.119 --> 01:13:48.680
So I love my partner because of what I can
1221
01:13:48.720 --> 01:13:51.560
bring to their life, not just what they can give me.
1222
01:13:52.279 --> 01:13:54.319
You know, in my past it was all what are
1223
01:13:54.319 --> 01:13:56.520
you going to give me? There was never any what
1224
01:13:56.560 --> 01:13:59.119
can I bring to you? It was always about I
1225
01:13:59.159 --> 01:14:01.960
need to love you, so you love me this way.
1226
01:14:02.479 --> 01:14:05.760
So learning how to love people as is is one
1227
01:14:05.840 --> 01:14:08.399
of the most difficult things to do when you have
1228
01:14:08.479 --> 01:14:11.600
trauma and you've sought outside of yourself all your life
1229
01:14:11.680 --> 01:14:15.720
to try and actually get your needs mad. So love
1230
01:14:16.159 --> 01:14:23.319
is it's not the romantic fairy tale, you know, princess
1231
01:14:23.399 --> 01:14:28.279
stories of what we were taught growing up, of what
1232
01:14:28.319 --> 01:14:33.439
it's going to look like. Lovers work, Love is conflict,
1233
01:14:33.800 --> 01:14:40.000
Love is boundaries, Love is nurture, love is respect, Love
1234
01:14:40.159 --> 01:14:42.960
is all the other needs that's in it. If I
1235
01:14:43.000 --> 01:14:45.840
love me, I do what's right by me. But I
1236
01:14:45.880 --> 01:14:48.479
can't do what's right by me if I have shame.
1237
01:14:49.359 --> 01:14:51.600
So you know, like I said at the beginning, this
1238
01:14:51.680 --> 01:14:55.520
whole thing, every need is connected to a core belief
1239
01:14:56.000 --> 01:14:58.960
of shame. Beliefs that we have that if this is
1240
01:14:58.960 --> 01:15:00.840
a need that we struggle with, if there is a
1241
01:15:00.880 --> 01:15:02.359
shame belief that's attached to.
1242
01:15:02.319 --> 01:15:06.960
It, I think, you know, two of the things that
1243
01:15:07.000 --> 01:15:09.000
I heard you say in this one is that there's
1244
01:15:09.159 --> 01:15:12.920
there's some aspect of it being something that's shared rather
1245
01:15:12.960 --> 01:15:16.640
than taken. Yeah, And there may be there may be
1246
01:15:16.640 --> 01:15:19.800
the shift of healing and working on the shame and
1247
01:15:19.840 --> 01:15:22.439
working on those parts of ourself where we can get
1248
01:15:22.479 --> 01:15:24.760
to that place where it's something that we have for
1249
01:15:24.960 --> 01:15:28.399
ourselves with ourselves, that we can be in that space
1250
01:15:28.680 --> 01:15:31.439
to share it. And the other one, it's so so
1251
01:15:31.760 --> 01:15:35.000
disappointing and depressing. It's like you're taking it out of
1252
01:15:35.039 --> 01:15:39.399
this this lofty ideal. You said, conflict. You know, what
1253
01:15:39.439 --> 01:15:40.479
do you mean conflict?
1254
01:15:40.560 --> 01:15:40.720
You know?
1255
01:15:40.800 --> 01:15:46.239
So there's there's something very human and very realistic yeah
1256
01:15:46.279 --> 01:15:47.880
about it as well.
1257
01:15:48.640 --> 01:15:51.039
And even with the boundaries like conflict people think is
1258
01:15:51.079 --> 01:15:53.600
a really bad thing, But conflict is about me expressing
1259
01:15:53.600 --> 01:15:56.680
my opinion, and conflict's not throwing the plates across the
1260
01:15:56.760 --> 01:16:00.880
kitchen table at each other. Conflict is about expressing my
1261
01:16:00.880 --> 01:16:04.720
my expressing me and it may be different to you.
1262
01:16:04.920 --> 01:16:08.479
So how do we get to a resolution and boundaries
1263
01:16:08.520 --> 01:16:11.880
is attached to this as well. And you know, when
1264
01:16:11.920 --> 01:16:16.880
I love myself, I will So I'm not a fan,
1265
01:16:16.920 --> 01:16:18.319
and I've said this in my last video. I'm not
1266
01:16:18.319 --> 01:16:19.960
a fan of the word boundary. I use the word
1267
01:16:20.000 --> 01:16:22.520
guidelines in my life just because it's a word that
1268
01:16:22.600 --> 01:16:27.239
got buzzed and bashed years ago and misconception around what
1269
01:16:27.279 --> 01:16:30.880
a boundary is. When I'm in my relationship and I'm
1270
01:16:30.960 --> 01:16:34.000
asking for something I need, which is setting a boundary,
1271
01:16:34.079 --> 01:16:38.880
setting my guidelines. When I'm asking for that, I'm actually
1272
01:16:38.920 --> 01:16:42.840
telling that relationship how important it is to me. So
1273
01:16:42.880 --> 01:16:46.359
when I'm telling that relationship when I'm saying I need
1274
01:16:46.720 --> 01:16:50.560
this from you, can you do that? And they say
1275
01:16:50.640 --> 01:16:55.840
yes or no, I'm actually saying that that person, or myself,
1276
01:16:55.880 --> 01:16:58.560
if I'm doing it for myself, is so important to
1277
01:16:58.600 --> 01:17:01.640
me that I'm willing to put myself in a vulnerable
1278
01:17:01.720 --> 01:17:07.600
position and be rejected, which is always hard to get
1279
01:17:07.640 --> 01:17:10.920
what I need because I love them so much that
1280
01:17:11.039 --> 01:17:13.600
I want this to be healthy. I want this to
1281
01:17:13.600 --> 01:17:16.880
be okay. So when I'm setting a boundary when it
1282
01:17:16.920 --> 01:17:21.119
comes to love, it's around me respecting the relationship. I
1283
01:17:21.199 --> 01:17:22.079
mean so much.
1284
01:17:22.960 --> 01:17:25.520
What does comfort look like as a need.
1285
01:17:26.600 --> 01:17:29.439
Yeah, do you know when anybody says comfort, I get
1286
01:17:29.439 --> 01:17:32.520
the image in my head of a big, soft, fluffy
1287
01:17:32.680 --> 01:17:35.920
lounge suite, jump in the couch and covering myself up
1288
01:17:35.960 --> 01:17:39.960
with a blanket and smuggle down. So when I started
1289
01:17:40.159 --> 01:17:43.359
working with this one for myself, well, that's what it
1290
01:17:43.439 --> 01:17:48.000
is physically for me, feeling comfortable in myself, being okay
1291
01:17:48.159 --> 01:17:52.600
again bounces off. Comfort is about self soothing, so learning
1292
01:17:52.760 --> 01:17:55.760
you know the techniques of self soothing, the self hugging,
1293
01:17:55.960 --> 01:17:58.640
rubbing up and down our arms. You know, remember you
1294
01:17:58.720 --> 01:18:02.479
teaching me the butterfly. That's a really soothing one that
1295
01:18:02.560 --> 01:18:07.920
I use often for myself and others, comforting myself. Comfort
1296
01:18:08.000 --> 01:18:12.159
is something that we sought in a negative way to
1297
01:18:12.199 --> 01:18:15.079
get our other needs. Men. Like I said, it's connected
1298
01:18:15.079 --> 01:18:19.560
to food. When I feel uncomfortable, I want to feel comfortable,
1299
01:18:19.600 --> 01:18:22.600
but I don't know how to feel comfortable in something
1300
01:18:22.680 --> 01:18:26.239
that's uncomfortable. So when we're healing this, we go from
1301
01:18:26.319 --> 01:18:30.560
feeling familiar and comfortable in what we are already doing
1302
01:18:31.319 --> 01:18:37.039
to going into something that feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar. So
1303
01:18:37.079 --> 01:18:41.760
it's scary. So small steps in learning what comfort is
1304
01:18:41.880 --> 01:18:44.520
again individual what it looks like for you will look
1305
01:18:44.640 --> 01:18:49.479
very different to me. But the internal comfort is feeling
1306
01:18:49.560 --> 01:18:56.079
that peace within me both mentally, spiritually and emotionally and
1307
01:18:56.079 --> 01:18:59.199
physically in my body. So in all four areas feeling
1308
01:18:59.239 --> 01:19:03.640
that sense, I'm comfortable in my own being. So what
1309
01:19:03.720 --> 01:19:08.640
does it look like in my own being? Around being?
1310
01:19:10.720 --> 01:19:13.439
You know, present in me, present in me? Am I
1311
01:19:13.520 --> 01:19:16.319
comfortable walking into a room? Or do I scan and
1312
01:19:16.359 --> 01:19:20.840
I'm not? So comfort is connected to safety. So comfort
1313
01:19:20.880 --> 01:19:24.000
is connected to feeling okay. Comfort is connected to being
1314
01:19:24.560 --> 01:19:29.640
in that excuse me, in that being of instead of
1315
01:19:29.720 --> 01:19:33.000
going to the ice cream to make me feel okay,
1316
01:19:33.520 --> 01:19:37.399
I go to sitting and talking and holding my inner child,
1317
01:19:37.560 --> 01:19:39.239
Like just sit on the couch and put my hand
1318
01:19:39.239 --> 01:19:41.039
in my heart and I just close my eyes and
1319
01:19:41.039 --> 01:19:43.359
I said, what is it you need? Sweetheart? The ice
1320
01:19:43.399 --> 01:19:46.239
Cream's not going to fix this this time. So learning
1321
01:19:46.239 --> 01:19:48.960
what I did go to for comfort, and then learning
1322
01:19:48.960 --> 01:19:54.239
what I can do so self soothing, self talk again,
1323
01:19:54.600 --> 01:19:57.760
out in nature, going for a walk, smuggling down on
1324
01:19:57.800 --> 01:20:01.000
a bank with a blanket, favor a teddy bear, whatever
1325
01:20:01.039 --> 01:20:04.520
it is you have feeling that comfort, and then on
1326
01:20:04.560 --> 01:20:09.760
an external level, being able to ask other people for it.
1327
01:20:09.760 --> 01:20:16.399
It's like asking them to be supportive in something that
1328
01:20:16.479 --> 01:20:19.439
you might need. So can you can you hold me?
1329
01:20:19.600 --> 01:20:22.600
Because I'm feeling sad today, so giving me that physical
1330
01:20:22.640 --> 01:20:28.840
comfort in a workplace, it would be feeling comfortable, being
1331
01:20:28.880 --> 01:20:31.720
able to speak my own mind, so being able to
1332
01:20:31.760 --> 01:20:35.239
say what I need to say. Again, not one of
1333
01:20:35.279 --> 01:20:38.560
these needs can be provided if we have an element
1334
01:20:38.600 --> 01:20:42.319
of shame attached. So we need to heal both. We
1335
01:20:42.359 --> 01:20:45.119
heal the shame by providing the need, but we recognize
1336
01:20:45.119 --> 01:20:49.279
the shame. We can recognize the need by seeing the
1337
01:20:49.319 --> 01:20:50.319
shame as well.
1338
01:20:52.119 --> 01:20:54.079
And there's I think there's a piece you touched on
1339
01:20:54.159 --> 01:20:57.000
it here that I find really important in this that
1340
01:20:57.039 --> 01:20:59.720
I learned from from your own story, and it's you know,
1341
01:20:59.800 --> 01:21:02.920
from and complex trauma. There are certain things that feel
1342
01:21:03.720 --> 01:21:06.960
familiar to us, but it may be unsafe, it may
1343
01:21:06.960 --> 01:21:10.760
be unhealthy, it may not be a safe relationship.
1344
01:21:11.680 --> 01:21:12.119
And so.
1345
01:21:13.600 --> 01:21:18.119
Like healthy will feel uncomfortable for a while because of
1346
01:21:18.119 --> 01:21:23.840
that unfamiliarity. And so there's this patience of recognizing and
1347
01:21:23.880 --> 01:21:27.520
distinguishing between what that unhealthy and that healthy looks like.
1348
01:21:27.600 --> 01:21:32.920
Because of that, the prior familiarity we had with with
1349
01:21:32.960 --> 01:21:36.760
other ways of living so I think this one I
1350
01:21:36.880 --> 01:21:41.279
kind of feel is on the border between emotional need
1351
01:21:41.479 --> 01:21:45.039
and spiritual need. And so I don't know if that's
1352
01:21:45.079 --> 01:21:46.720
how you feel about it too, But if we could
1353
01:21:46.720 --> 01:21:51.199
shift into talking about belonging and is like, what's a
1354
01:21:51.279 --> 01:21:54.600
sense of belonging and how do we begin to cultivate
1355
01:21:54.720 --> 01:21:55.319
or find it?
1356
01:21:56.079 --> 01:21:59.159
Yeah, this is a really difficult one, you know when
1357
01:21:59.159 --> 01:22:01.159
you think about growing up in the home you grew
1358
01:22:01.239 --> 01:22:07.560
up in. In my perspection perspective of my home and
1359
01:22:07.600 --> 01:22:10.800
my upbringing, I didn't belong you know. I thought I
1360
01:22:10.880 --> 01:22:14.039
was different from all my family. We hear it often,
1361
01:22:14.399 --> 01:22:16.520
you know, with the black sheep of the family. I
1362
01:22:16.680 --> 01:22:20.039
was the wayward one. I was the escapegoat. I was
1363
01:22:20.119 --> 01:22:24.720
all those things. Now, my behavior probably created all those
1364
01:22:24.760 --> 01:22:28.479
things as a child, But where did my behavior come from?
1365
01:22:28.520 --> 01:22:30.359
So it's down chicken on the egg, and I don't
1366
01:22:30.359 --> 01:22:32.520
get into the chicken on the egg anymore. It's just like,
1367
01:22:32.600 --> 01:22:35.359
this is the facts of my life as I see them.
1368
01:22:35.880 --> 01:22:39.319
So the sense of belonging is for me is one
1369
01:22:39.359 --> 01:22:43.560
of the deepest needs that we need to fill. Because
1370
01:22:43.680 --> 01:22:47.359
if I have come from a place where I didn't
1371
01:22:47.439 --> 01:22:51.159
feel like I connected with the original people that brought
1372
01:22:51.199 --> 01:22:56.039
me into this world. Belonging to myself is going to
1373
01:22:56.159 --> 01:23:00.560
be a process I need to connect with daily, over
1374
01:23:00.600 --> 01:23:05.520
and over again. And then we go into worlds and society,
1375
01:23:05.880 --> 01:23:08.439
and you think about where this sits in the needs.
1376
01:23:08.479 --> 01:23:10.720
So it's number nine in the needs, So all those
1377
01:23:10.800 --> 01:23:13.920
other needs haven't been provided for us. And we go
1378
01:23:13.960 --> 01:23:17.680
out into the world or any seeking that we don't accept.
1379
01:23:17.760 --> 01:23:20.439
We're not accepted. We have no respect, we have no love,
1380
01:23:20.600 --> 01:23:24.520
we don't have a sense of ourselves, we have no acceptance.
1381
01:23:25.199 --> 01:23:27.920
So I go out there trying to prove I belong
1382
01:23:28.119 --> 01:23:32.199
somewhere and over and over again, and we go we
1383
01:23:32.319 --> 01:23:34.399
joined this group, we joined that group. I joined all
1384
01:23:34.399 --> 01:23:36.840
these sorts of groups. You know, in school, I wasn't
1385
01:23:37.039 --> 01:23:39.079
cool enough to be with the cool kids. I wasn't
1386
01:23:39.119 --> 01:23:41.119
smart enough to be with the smart kids. I was
1387
01:23:41.159 --> 01:23:43.079
pretty bad enough to be with the bad kids. But
1388
01:23:43.119 --> 01:23:45.119
even then I wasn't I was too scared to be
1389
01:23:45.279 --> 01:23:49.319
really really bad. But I was a little bad, you know.
1390
01:23:49.479 --> 01:23:52.119
I fitted in a little bit with the sporty kids.
1391
01:23:52.159 --> 01:23:53.920
But there was a whole thing. I didn't feel like
1392
01:23:53.960 --> 01:23:58.159
I ever belonged anywhere I went. I never belonged with work.
1393
01:23:58.159 --> 01:24:01.039
I didn't belong to society, I didn't beloe you know,
1394
01:24:01.199 --> 01:24:04.840
in my realm of my life, you know who I
1395
01:24:05.000 --> 01:24:07.359
was with all those things, there was always a sense
1396
01:24:07.399 --> 01:24:11.359
of I just never belonged in the world. So this
1397
01:24:11.439 --> 01:24:14.880
one had to be an internal fix. I mean they
1398
01:24:14.960 --> 01:24:17.800
all do, but this one especially, I had to get
1399
01:24:17.800 --> 01:24:21.199
to a place to say, and your dead rid, It's
1400
01:24:21.319 --> 01:24:25.800
totally connected to spiritual. If my power, my God, my
1401
01:24:26.680 --> 01:24:30.920
energy that I trust and live by, if it brought
1402
01:24:30.960 --> 01:24:34.600
me here in this world, then I meant to belong
1403
01:24:34.720 --> 01:24:38.319
to it. So my sense of self started to come
1404
01:24:38.399 --> 01:24:41.399
from the energy that was around me and the sense
1405
01:24:41.439 --> 01:24:44.960
of belonging. And I had to go back to the acceptance, well,
1406
01:24:45.000 --> 01:24:47.479
if I accept myself that I belonged to me. If
1407
01:24:47.520 --> 01:24:50.520
I respect myself, I belonged to me. So as you
1408
01:24:50.600 --> 01:24:52.840
move through the meeds, you can see that when you
1409
01:24:52.880 --> 01:24:54.840
do one, it hits all the other ones as well.
1410
01:24:55.119 --> 01:25:00.800
So I had to have that place of no matter
1411
01:25:00.840 --> 01:25:03.600
where I go in the world, no matter who I'm with,
1412
01:25:04.159 --> 01:25:09.279
if I don't feel that more Eggs exists because she's
1413
01:25:09.399 --> 01:25:13.119
meant to be here, not because she exists to fit
1414
01:25:13.239 --> 01:25:16.600
with you. If I don't have that I'm going to
1415
01:25:16.680 --> 01:25:19.720
trigger the seeking behavior and make you try and make
1416
01:25:19.760 --> 01:25:22.079
me belong I'm going to try and fit in with you.
1417
01:25:23.039 --> 01:25:25.680
And I learned a long time ago, the more I
1418
01:25:25.760 --> 01:25:29.159
try and fit in with you, the less I fit
1419
01:25:29.359 --> 01:25:33.800
in with me. So I had to become authentic, and
1420
01:25:33.960 --> 01:25:39.319
belonging means being authentic for me. This is who I am.
1421
01:25:39.399 --> 01:25:39.720
You know.
1422
01:25:39.840 --> 01:25:43.279
I can give you my credentials. I can tell you
1423
01:25:43.479 --> 01:25:47.239
my relationship status. I can tell you my height and
1424
01:25:47.319 --> 01:25:50.760
my body size, and they are all parts of who
1425
01:25:50.840 --> 01:25:54.159
I am as a human being. But my belonging is
1426
01:25:54.199 --> 01:25:56.960
the deep connection I have with the soul and the
1427
01:25:57.159 --> 01:26:00.199
energy that's around me in the world. And when I
1428
01:26:00.279 --> 01:26:04.239
have that belonging with me, I then belonged to whoever
1429
01:26:04.279 --> 01:26:08.119
I'm sitting with because I'm connected to me the most.
1430
01:26:09.279 --> 01:26:14.159
So can we CAUI shaft to beauty? Now? Why why
1431
01:26:14.359 --> 01:26:16.479
is beauty a spiritual need?
1432
01:26:16.800 --> 01:26:21.079
How can people start noticing or or even creating beauty?
1433
01:26:21.279 --> 01:26:23.439
Yeah, a lot of people get the beauty in the
1434
01:26:23.640 --> 01:26:28.600
orb like they get them confused connected, so I end
1435
01:26:28.680 --> 01:26:30.880
up talking about both of them in the same sense.
1436
01:26:31.960 --> 01:26:36.000
So beauty is again in the heart, in the eye
1437
01:26:36.000 --> 01:26:38.520
of the beholder. What I see beautiful. You may not.
1438
01:26:38.760 --> 01:26:41.159
You might go what are you thinking? All right, but
1439
01:26:41.239 --> 01:26:46.960
beauty is the thing. Again, the acceptance of myself, seeing
1440
01:26:47.000 --> 01:26:49.439
my inner beauty, of who I am as a human
1441
01:26:49.520 --> 01:26:53.159
being opposed to what I look like on the outside,
1442
01:26:53.279 --> 01:26:55.920
was really important to me because when I have that
1443
01:26:56.439 --> 01:26:59.800
acceptance of authenticity, that confidence in me, the beauty on
1444
01:26:59.800 --> 01:27:04.000
the outside shines even more so. But this fades, you know,
1445
01:27:04.119 --> 01:27:06.439
as we get older the beauty I had as yet, well,
1446
01:27:06.479 --> 01:27:08.039
I think the opposite. Actually, I think I get more
1447
01:27:08.039 --> 01:27:11.039
beautiful the older I get when I was younger. So
1448
01:27:11.159 --> 01:27:16.399
all right, but the beauty is is not just our
1449
01:27:16.439 --> 01:27:19.399
own physical stuff, but the need of having beauty in
1450
01:27:19.439 --> 01:27:25.680
my life is seeing a beautiful painting, seeing a play,
1451
01:27:25.880 --> 01:27:29.279
and watching people perform. So anything to do with art,
1452
01:27:29.520 --> 01:27:33.000
anything to do with music, anything to do with nature,
1453
01:27:33.520 --> 01:27:35.399
Like you just have to go for a walk in
1454
01:27:35.479 --> 01:27:37.720
nature to see beauty. If you can't find beauty, go
1455
01:27:37.800 --> 01:27:40.199
for a walk. And you know, I challenge you to
1456
01:27:40.319 --> 01:27:43.279
not see something that's beautiful out there. You know, most
1457
01:27:43.399 --> 01:27:45.520
some people might just find the dirt and the rubble.
1458
01:27:45.800 --> 01:27:47.640
Where I see the tree and the beauty of the
1459
01:27:48.279 --> 01:27:51.600
standards and the branches and stuff like that. So beauty
1460
01:27:52.039 --> 01:27:57.520
leads into awe. But internal beauty is about for me,
1461
01:27:57.640 --> 01:28:04.159
is truly having that acceptance and that connection that my
1462
01:28:05.239 --> 01:28:11.720
self as a human being is being placed here to
1463
01:28:11.840 --> 01:28:16.119
be able to support and help other people, and that
1464
01:28:16.439 --> 01:28:20.640
gives me a sense of awe and beauty within me.
1465
01:28:21.520 --> 01:28:25.800
So the more things that I can find are beautiful externally,
1466
01:28:26.000 --> 01:28:29.680
the more I feel internally beautiful. I have flowers in
1467
01:28:29.760 --> 01:28:35.319
my house, I have, like I said, beautiful crystals. Bringing
1468
01:28:35.359 --> 01:28:38.000
it into myself, you know, telling myself I am a
1469
01:28:38.000 --> 01:28:41.720
beautiful woman inside and out doing things that make me
1470
01:28:41.840 --> 01:28:45.520
feel beautiful when I don't feel beautiful. So in my
1471
01:28:46.560 --> 01:28:50.800
span of healing journey, when I first started this process,
1472
01:28:51.279 --> 01:28:54.960
I had to wear a full face as a mask
1473
01:28:55.279 --> 01:28:57.800
to face the world. I couldn't I couldn't even go
1474
01:28:57.880 --> 01:28:59.439
to a little corner shop to buy a pack of
1475
01:28:59.439 --> 01:29:02.439
cigarettes without a face on, without my full makeup on.
1476
01:29:03.319 --> 01:29:07.479
So it was a necessity. Today O wear makeup because
1477
01:29:07.479 --> 01:29:10.720
it's something I like to do. And that's the shift
1478
01:29:10.720 --> 01:29:12.920
in the beauty because I can see how beautiful I
1479
01:29:12.960 --> 01:29:16.199
am without the makeup on. I can see how beautiful
1480
01:29:16.239 --> 01:29:18.880
my insides are. I can see that I'm a really
1481
01:29:18.960 --> 01:29:23.319
kind person, and that beauty goes into other people when
1482
01:29:23.359 --> 01:29:26.159
you show it for yourself. So the more we can
1483
01:29:26.239 --> 01:29:29.680
do that within ourselves and see our true essence, and
1484
01:29:29.720 --> 01:29:32.159
I think that's what beauty is, is actually seeing our
1485
01:29:32.199 --> 01:29:38.560
true essence. And then that grows into you know, seeing
1486
01:29:38.600 --> 01:29:42.000
the beauty externally as well. So this one goes hand
1487
01:29:42.000 --> 01:29:44.520
in hand. When I see externally, it helps me feel
1488
01:29:44.520 --> 01:29:47.439
it internally. But when I feel it internally, I see
1489
01:29:47.479 --> 01:29:49.479
it more externally.
1490
01:29:50.640 --> 01:29:54.840
I get a sense too. Here there's almost similar to
1491
01:29:55.239 --> 01:29:59.399
people starting a gratitude practice. Yeah, when you start to
1492
01:29:59.560 --> 01:30:04.319
notice something more, then you start to notice that thing more,
1493
01:30:04.920 --> 01:30:09.520
and so it builds into your consciousness like slowly through
1494
01:30:10.159 --> 01:30:12.399
And I'm looking around as I'm saying, because I I'm
1495
01:30:12.439 --> 01:30:15.399
looking out. I have two windows here fortunately where I'm
1496
01:30:15.600 --> 01:30:18.359
where I'm staying right now, and and so I'm like,
1497
01:30:18.399 --> 01:30:23.800
I'm noticing lights in the trees, the pine trees, different
1498
01:30:23.920 --> 01:30:27.199
different things, and like, yeah, it's it's so special when
1499
01:30:27.199 --> 01:30:29.000
you can start to notice that, and like I do
1500
01:30:29.039 --> 01:30:33.960
feel when I notice that a shift on the inside.
1501
01:30:34.880 --> 01:30:37.640
Who And so I know you tie these two together.
1502
01:30:37.920 --> 01:30:40.880
So yeah, what is the distinction, Like how is how
1503
01:30:41.039 --> 01:30:45.039
is are different, Like what does that do for us?
1504
01:30:45.680 --> 01:30:51.640
I guess all. For me, it's more connected. Ah, So
1505
01:30:51.720 --> 01:30:58.800
I broke the word or down to amazing adventures we
1506
01:30:59.039 --> 01:31:02.000
experience is what are is for me? So anything that
1507
01:31:02.079 --> 01:31:04.800
I find adventuress is all I bring. Things that bring
1508
01:31:04.880 --> 01:31:08.319
me to that place of you know, the five year
1509
01:31:08.319 --> 01:31:10.960
old excitement where there's a puddle in front of you
1510
01:31:11.000 --> 01:31:12.640
and you just kind of wait to go and jump
1511
01:31:12.680 --> 01:31:16.159
in it. That's awe. That's the intensity of awe for me.
1512
01:31:16.920 --> 01:31:23.239
And it's a thing like externally, I play this game
1513
01:31:23.319 --> 01:31:26.640
with myself on a daily basis of spot God. Where
1514
01:31:26.720 --> 01:31:29.359
is God present in my life today, whether it's the
1515
01:31:29.359 --> 01:31:33.560
bloom of a flower, watching planting a plant and watching
1516
01:31:33.760 --> 01:31:37.640
it grow from a seed into an amazing rosebush and
1517
01:31:37.720 --> 01:31:41.560
things like that. So or is the process of the
1518
01:31:41.680 --> 01:31:45.279
adventure that you're going on with something so And that's
1519
01:31:45.319 --> 01:31:47.880
just my definition of it. So the process of the adventure,
1520
01:31:47.960 --> 01:31:51.199
the process of I started doing this and now look
1521
01:31:51.239 --> 01:31:53.319
at it, and now look at it, and it is
1522
01:31:53.399 --> 01:31:57.600
completely connected to a spiritual realm for me, like I
1523
01:31:57.800 --> 01:32:01.439
can't create the beauty in the world that my higher
1524
01:32:01.520 --> 01:32:05.439
power can create, from a sunset to a sunrise. Like
1525
01:32:06.319 --> 01:32:09.239
I think I have something like five thousand photos of
1526
01:32:09.319 --> 01:32:11.960
sunsets and sunrise and somebody said to me, do you
1527
01:32:12.000 --> 01:32:13.680
know where they all are? Not? Yeah, I actually do.
1528
01:32:13.960 --> 01:32:15.560
If I sat down the show, I would be able
1529
01:32:15.560 --> 01:32:17.720
to say, this is in Puquet, this is in this island,
1530
01:32:17.760 --> 01:32:19.800
and this is you know, this is in Australia, this
1531
01:32:19.960 --> 01:32:21.880
was over in Scotland, this is in Ireland, this is
1532
01:32:21.880 --> 01:32:26.039
in America. Because I just know the feeling I had
1533
01:32:26.079 --> 01:32:30.000
when I took the photo, and that links to pleasure,
1534
01:32:30.119 --> 01:32:33.159
brings it back to AWE. That's the feeling. It's that
1535
01:32:33.560 --> 01:32:39.680
knowing that connection I had. So AWE is also about connection.
1536
01:32:39.920 --> 01:32:43.600
When I feel one hundred percent connected to the energy
1537
01:32:43.600 --> 01:32:46.760
that's around me, the power that I lean into for
1538
01:32:46.880 --> 01:32:52.680
my life, I have this sense of just awesomeness, like
1539
01:32:52.800 --> 01:32:56.920
I just feel like there's no stopping me, and that's
1540
01:32:56.920 --> 01:32:58.079
what all can feel like.
1541
01:33:00.479 --> 01:33:02.840
I like that you preempted me because I wanted to
1542
01:33:02.880 --> 01:33:09.439
ask you, like how how are felled for you? And
1543
01:33:09.520 --> 01:33:11.880
I think just the description you left there was something
1544
01:33:12.000 --> 01:33:15.600
really beautiful. Are there practices like what can we do
1545
01:33:16.000 --> 01:33:19.560
to start to build for ourselves?
1546
01:33:20.159 --> 01:33:24.920
Yeah? I started by being doing mindful walking That's how
1547
01:33:24.960 --> 01:33:27.680
I started to create all so starting to see. And
1548
01:33:27.920 --> 01:33:31.199
like you said, the gratitude. When it comes to gratitude again,
1549
01:33:31.239 --> 01:33:33.239
I attach it to action because I can write a
1550
01:33:33.279 --> 01:33:36.399
shopping list of gratitude. There's thousands of things I'm grateful for,
1551
01:33:36.439 --> 01:33:38.079
and I can just write a shopping list and that's
1552
01:33:38.119 --> 01:33:41.560
all it is. But when I go I'm grateful for
1553
01:33:41.760 --> 01:33:43.840
the house that I live in, what do I do
1554
01:33:44.000 --> 01:33:46.319
to take care of that house? I'm grateful that I
1555
01:33:46.359 --> 01:33:49.680
live five minutes from the water, so I spend nurturing
1556
01:33:49.800 --> 01:33:52.640
time by the water. So when I'm grateful for something,
1557
01:33:52.920 --> 01:33:56.600
I connect it to an action, and doing that creates or.
1558
01:33:56.800 --> 01:33:59.840
So when I go to the water, I get to see,
1559
01:34:00.359 --> 01:34:03.840
but I'm looking for them. I'm not just walking along
1560
01:34:03.880 --> 01:34:07.640
the water in the morning with my earbuds in pounding
1561
01:34:07.640 --> 01:34:09.840
out the steps to get my steps up for the day.
1562
01:34:10.159 --> 01:34:12.880
I'm looking at the ocean. And just the other day
1563
01:34:12.920 --> 01:34:14.920
I went for a walk and I saw a stingray
1564
01:34:15.359 --> 01:34:18.880
and a shark and a turtle and that was all
1565
01:34:18.880 --> 01:34:21.199
in a span of a five k five k walk.
1566
01:34:21.680 --> 01:34:26.279
So you know, looking, we've got to look for or
1567
01:34:26.800 --> 01:34:30.760
or doesn't just present because we're not seeing it like it,
1568
01:34:30.840 --> 01:34:32.840
We've got to look for it. So look for those
1569
01:34:32.880 --> 01:34:36.800
flowers that are blooming. Go out and play spot, beauty,
1570
01:34:36.920 --> 01:34:39.399
spot god sport, whatever you want to call it. Go
1571
01:34:39.479 --> 01:34:42.000
out and look for the things that you go, oh wow,
1572
01:34:42.159 --> 01:34:44.960
look at that color, look at the sky, look at
1573
01:34:44.960 --> 01:34:47.840
the water. When we go out and do that, when
1574
01:34:47.880 --> 01:34:52.439
we purposefully look for beauty and awe in the world,
1575
01:34:52.720 --> 01:34:58.439
we find it. When we unconsciously continually look for the negative,
1576
01:34:58.520 --> 01:35:01.640
we find that the more we look for beauty. And
1577
01:35:01.680 --> 01:35:05.000
this goes in people as well. Like people, human beings
1578
01:35:05.000 --> 01:35:09.720
are amazing, like we're amazing species on this planet, and
1579
01:35:09.840 --> 01:35:13.640
people have all within them just by them being present
1580
01:35:13.920 --> 01:35:17.479
and who they are and what they bring to a situation.
1581
01:35:18.720 --> 01:35:23.640
So seeing that looking in a relationship I or I
1582
01:35:23.680 --> 01:35:26.199
look for in my relationship is things like what am
1583
01:35:26.239 --> 01:35:28.560
I seeing that they do, not what they don't do
1584
01:35:29.479 --> 01:35:31.840
you know, because I'm a very big or what you're
1585
01:35:31.840 --> 01:35:35.439
not doing and pointing that out compared to you know,
1586
01:35:35.720 --> 01:35:39.920
what you are doing and relishing in that so or
1587
01:35:40.119 --> 01:35:43.840
is about doing that connection. And for me, my practices
1588
01:35:43.960 --> 01:35:47.319
with my spirit, like when I sit and meditate, when
1589
01:35:47.359 --> 01:35:51.039
I do my mindfulness, when I do my spiritual writings
1590
01:35:51.279 --> 01:35:53.319
that is all about awe For.
1591
01:35:53.399 --> 01:35:57.640
Me, I love that, But what am I seeing that
1592
01:35:57.640 --> 01:35:59.880
they're doing rather than what they're not doing?
1593
01:36:01.119 --> 01:36:04.479
Right? There is such a such a huge mindset shift.
1594
01:36:05.159 --> 01:36:08.000
And you know, as we've been talking about these needs,
1595
01:36:08.039 --> 01:36:10.199
and I can definitely see it in the early ones,
1596
01:36:10.239 --> 01:36:14.840
but there's almost this crescendo here as we're coming to
1597
01:36:14.880 --> 01:36:17.600
the to the twelfth one. That's you know, and as
1598
01:36:17.640 --> 01:36:20.840
you're talking and how you're sharing about and connecting to it,
1599
01:36:21.640 --> 01:36:25.439
I can start to see the generation of the happiness,
1600
01:36:25.640 --> 01:36:29.920
contentment and fulfillment. And so could you maybe talk about
1601
01:36:29.960 --> 01:36:33.319
these final needs, how they're connected to the others and
1602
01:36:34.279 --> 01:36:36.960
how do we how do we understand them and create
1603
01:36:37.000 --> 01:36:37.560
them as well?
1604
01:36:37.640 --> 01:36:42.039
Yeah? Absolutely, Like I said, when we fulfill the other eleven,
1605
01:36:42.560 --> 01:36:46.000
the twelfth one comes. But again it's about breaking down.
1606
01:36:46.199 --> 01:36:49.920
Happiness to me looks like what society told me what
1607
01:36:49.960 --> 01:36:54.319
happiness was. You know, the marriage, the two point five kids,
1608
01:36:54.359 --> 01:36:56.439
the house, the car, the job of the blah blah blah.
1609
01:36:56.479 --> 01:36:59.359
That's what health happiness was supposed to look like. But
1610
01:36:59.560 --> 01:37:04.239
happiness is about an inner peace. So for me, happiness
1611
01:37:04.279 --> 01:37:08.720
is when I'm feeling peaceful, same as with contentment. I
1612
01:37:08.800 --> 01:37:12.600
learned what contentment was by seeing how discontent I was
1613
01:37:12.640 --> 01:37:15.199
in the world. So when I'm doing that, what you're
1614
01:37:15.239 --> 01:37:18.640
not doing and what you are doing in comparison, that's
1615
01:37:18.680 --> 01:37:22.600
what contentment's about. Like when I am just h all right,
1616
01:37:22.640 --> 01:37:25.840
this is what we're doing today, like there's no battle
1617
01:37:26.159 --> 01:37:33.000
in me, is what contentment and fulfillment coming from my
1618
01:37:34.079 --> 01:37:37.800
world and my world views and my history and my
1619
01:37:37.920 --> 01:37:43.680
childhood trauma. I sought outside of myself my entire life,
1620
01:37:44.279 --> 01:37:47.279
to try and get someone to make me feel okay.
1621
01:37:47.800 --> 01:37:51.359
That's all I wanted to feel was okay. The fulfillment
1622
01:37:51.439 --> 01:37:54.840
I have today is I am more than okay every
1623
01:37:54.880 --> 01:37:59.159
single day, and I do that myself. And then one
1624
01:37:59.199 --> 01:38:04.039
of the things that I've learned about these needs just recently, Andy,
1625
01:38:04.239 --> 01:38:09.760
is once you feel them yourself so well as human beings,
1626
01:38:09.920 --> 01:38:13.520
we all need other people in their life to give
1627
01:38:13.560 --> 01:38:16.399
these needs to us, but they need to be safe people.
1628
01:38:16.800 --> 01:38:19.399
But we need to do it for ourselves first. We
1629
01:38:19.520 --> 01:38:21.720
need to be able to do this for ourselves. So
1630
01:38:22.359 --> 01:38:25.479
when I fell these needs, when I continually feel these
1631
01:38:25.520 --> 01:38:28.840
needs for myself and I can continually provide them for myself,
1632
01:38:28.880 --> 01:38:34.319
today I'm happy contend and fulfilled. When I get tilted
1633
01:38:34.800 --> 01:38:37.800
and that happiness slide, or that contentments fly, or I
1634
01:38:37.840 --> 01:38:41.159
don't feel fulfilled and I don't necessarily wake up in
1635
01:38:41.199 --> 01:38:44.039
the morning and go, oh, I don't fulfill today. What
1636
01:38:44.279 --> 01:38:47.600
happens is my behavior starts coming out as seeking. I
1637
01:38:47.640 --> 01:38:49.720
want you to approve of me. I want you to
1638
01:38:50.000 --> 01:38:54.720
respect me, I want demand. Demanding and seeking behavior starts
1639
01:38:54.760 --> 01:39:00.279
to happen subtly, very subtly. I then go to you
1640
01:39:00.319 --> 01:39:03.359
to provide those needs for myself, and you do to
1641
01:39:03.439 --> 01:39:07.520
a certain point, but it's not enough because I now
1642
01:39:07.880 --> 01:39:12.800
know what it feels like to have them, excuse me,
1643
01:39:12.920 --> 01:39:18.680
have them completed, fulfilled happiness and whole within me by myself.
1644
01:39:19.079 --> 01:39:20.880
So then when I go to you to do it
1645
01:39:20.880 --> 01:39:24.000
from an unhealthy point of view, You're never going to
1646
01:39:24.000 --> 01:39:25.520
give it to me the way that it's meant to
1647
01:39:25.560 --> 01:39:27.680
be given to me. So I'm going to end up
1648
01:39:27.720 --> 01:39:32.359
being resentful at you. So the whole process is it
1649
01:39:32.720 --> 01:39:36.239
do it for myself and then the other person gives
1650
01:39:36.279 --> 01:39:39.640
it to me without it being a need. It's like
1651
01:39:39.680 --> 01:39:43.199
the validation. I now get the validation, which is confirmation
1652
01:39:44.039 --> 01:39:46.800
for who I know I am, not who you think
1653
01:39:46.840 --> 01:39:47.399
I should be.
1654
01:39:49.960 --> 01:39:52.840
So what I'm hearing is that you're the cake and
1655
01:39:52.880 --> 01:40:02.000
that I can be the a thing. But it's like that, yes, absolutely, Yeah,
1656
01:40:03.159 --> 01:40:03.760
I love that.
1657
01:40:03.840 --> 01:40:06.600
And I hear too is that there's there's a little
1658
01:40:06.600 --> 01:40:07.479
bit of that. This is.
1659
01:40:09.199 --> 01:40:14.039
You can see the indicator like, uh, for for the
1660
01:40:14.079 --> 01:40:16.840
other needs, that if some of these other needs aren't
1661
01:40:16.840 --> 01:40:23.039
being fulfilled, that that happiness, contentment, and fulfillment will start
1662
01:40:23.039 --> 01:40:26.520
to shift inside of you. And yeah, it's so so
1663
01:40:26.640 --> 01:40:30.079
important to to learn how to build them up from
1664
01:40:30.520 --> 01:40:33.720
from within. I want to I want to ask you
1665
01:40:33.760 --> 01:40:39.840
more well first before before we move to closing, is
1666
01:40:39.880 --> 01:40:44.520
there any kind of like any general big picture thing
1667
01:40:44.960 --> 01:40:48.319
or practical tips that you might want to share with
1668
01:40:48.319 --> 01:40:52.640
with people who are listening and or maybe struggling and
1669
01:40:52.680 --> 01:40:55.720
want to start to try the twelve needs.
1670
01:40:56.039 --> 01:40:59.640
Yeah, besides the obvious of do the lift program and
1671
01:40:59.720 --> 01:41:03.520
theme program to get the information, get educated, get educated
1672
01:41:03.560 --> 01:41:06.079
about what this looks like for you. You know, take
1673
01:41:06.159 --> 01:41:08.920
what we've shared with you today, sit down, go which
1674
01:41:09.000 --> 01:41:12.279
ones were provided and which ones weren't provided? You know,
1675
01:41:12.319 --> 01:41:15.319
how do they affect my life today? What's happening in
1676
01:41:15.359 --> 01:41:18.680
my life today around this? How does it present in
1677
01:41:18.760 --> 01:41:22.720
my life today of acceptance. Do I do this for myself?
1678
01:41:23.199 --> 01:41:28.600
And you know it's intellectual at first until it becomes connected,
1679
01:41:28.760 --> 01:41:37.319
and when it becomes connected, it's then a collaboration with yourself.
1680
01:41:37.359 --> 01:41:38.079
With yourself.
1681
01:41:39.760 --> 01:41:45.880
You often end your groups workshops facilitation by saying, find
1682
01:41:45.920 --> 01:41:49.000
something that makes your heart sing? Can you share what
1683
01:41:49.039 --> 01:41:49.600
that means?
1684
01:41:50.560 --> 01:41:54.000
Yes? Again, people with complex trauma, we have a lot
1685
01:41:54.000 --> 01:41:56.159
of heaviness in our life. So when I started doing
1686
01:41:56.239 --> 01:42:00.840
this and through me providing pleasure the need for myself,
1687
01:42:00.960 --> 01:42:03.960
I started to see how much joy I could have
1688
01:42:04.039 --> 01:42:05.880
in my life, how much my heart would sing when
1689
01:42:05.880 --> 01:42:10.600
I do stuff I you know, and there's many things
1690
01:42:10.640 --> 01:42:13.439
that make my heart sing, you know, like I've said
1691
01:42:13.439 --> 01:42:16.640
many times today, going out in nature, being in the water, snorkeling.
1692
01:42:17.000 --> 01:42:21.119
I've just spent you know, seven seven days on a
1693
01:42:22.399 --> 01:42:24.640
on a yacht in the cat and on a catmraan
1694
01:42:24.720 --> 01:42:30.000
yacht in the withd Sundays of Australia, snorkeling, fishing, doing
1695
01:42:30.039 --> 01:42:33.520
the stuff that, you know, just seeing turtles every morning
1696
01:42:33.520 --> 01:42:35.760
and getting in trouble because the turtles would come to
1697
01:42:35.800 --> 01:42:39.880
say hi to me and chase whale fish. Fishing wasn't
1698
01:42:39.920 --> 01:42:42.560
my priority it was, you know, a thing to do.
1699
01:42:43.640 --> 01:42:50.319
But finding the things that, like I said before, gives
1700
01:42:50.359 --> 01:42:55.000
you the energy of that little little being inside of
1701
01:42:55.039 --> 01:42:57.920
you that wants to blow the bubbles, that wants to
1702
01:42:58.000 --> 01:43:00.560
jump in the puddles, that wants to swing on the
1703
01:43:00.600 --> 01:43:06.159
swing and just enjoy life without going Am I going
1704
01:43:06.279 --> 01:43:10.199
to get through today without getting hurt, harmed or abused
1705
01:43:10.239 --> 01:43:15.720
in some form? So bringing something to my heart that
1706
01:43:15.760 --> 01:43:18.560
brings me joy. It can be a walk in the park,
1707
01:43:18.680 --> 01:43:21.079
It can be a deep seave dive, It can be
1708
01:43:21.159 --> 01:43:23.880
a hike. It can be spending time with somebody that
1709
01:43:23.920 --> 01:43:28.439
I work with. Doing this with you definitely bring this
1710
01:43:28.560 --> 01:43:32.159
joy to my heart. Spending time with my family, my
1711
01:43:32.279 --> 01:43:36.880
niece who happens to turn seventeen today, she's too old,
1712
01:43:36.920 --> 01:43:39.960
too quick with that little girl I used to play with,
1713
01:43:41.399 --> 01:43:44.439
you know, bringing joy to her, bringing enjoy to other people,
1714
01:43:44.720 --> 01:43:49.079
They all make my heart sing. Today being present and
1715
01:43:49.239 --> 01:43:51.159
peaceful makes my heart sink.
1716
01:43:51.640 --> 01:43:54.880
But Mara, you know, could you share where people can
1717
01:43:54.920 --> 01:43:57.560
find you if they want to want to find you
1718
01:43:57.600 --> 01:43:59.399
online or contact you directly?
1719
01:44:00.119 --> 01:44:02.000
Yeah, so of course you can always find me through
1720
01:44:02.000 --> 01:44:06.359
the Fletcher Organization. You know, if you contact you guys
1721
01:44:06.399 --> 01:44:08.920
any form you guys will either throw people back my
1722
01:44:08.960 --> 01:44:11.319
way or you know, we encourage you to do the
1723
01:44:11.359 --> 01:44:14.439
Lift program or the line program and I'm a huge
1724
01:44:14.439 --> 01:44:18.319
part of that. In Australia. You can find me well
1725
01:44:18.359 --> 01:44:19.760
anywhere in the world. You can find me on my
1726
01:44:19.800 --> 01:44:23.399
website which is ww dot Growth from Within dot com
1727
01:44:23.439 --> 01:44:29.560
dot AU. Email is info at Growth from Within, Grow
1728
01:44:29.680 --> 01:44:32.600
from in dot com DOTU and people can look me
1729
01:44:32.680 --> 01:44:36.920
up there. I live in Brisbane, so you know, eventually
1730
01:44:36.960 --> 01:44:39.920
my aim is to hopefully be doing a lot more
1731
01:44:39.960 --> 01:44:43.680
face to face react LIFT program here as well as
1732
01:44:44.119 --> 01:44:46.119
some of the programs that I run through the needs
1733
01:44:46.199 --> 01:44:50.399
and complex trauma and shame and boundaries. So yeah, people
1734
01:44:50.399 --> 01:44:54.000
can look me up and touch base and really like
1735
01:44:54.039 --> 01:44:56.159
one of the things I learned through doing this work,
1736
01:44:56.239 --> 01:44:58.680
doing Tim's program, doing the stuff that I've done for
1737
01:44:58.720 --> 01:45:01.359
the last you know, thirty years twilst it will is
1738
01:45:01.680 --> 01:45:04.760
to heal. We need a community and I really want
1739
01:45:04.800 --> 01:45:08.039
to build that community here in Australia you know, through
1740
01:45:08.119 --> 01:45:11.720
whether it's through online programs, whatever it is, or really
1741
01:45:11.760 --> 01:45:14.960
want to build the healing community for us. They all
1742
01:45:15.439 --> 01:45:18.640
have happy, content and fulfilled lives.
1743
01:45:20.159 --> 01:45:23.640
Thank you so much moreg and thank you for sharing
1744
01:45:23.680 --> 01:45:27.079
your heart and your wisdom and that energy like I
1745
01:45:27.119 --> 01:45:29.479
can feel it through your voice and I have the
1746
01:45:29.479 --> 01:45:33.560
benefit of looking at you and feel just feel that energy.
1747
01:45:33.560 --> 01:45:36.960
So thank you for sharing that with us and to
1748
01:45:37.079 --> 01:45:41.520
our listeners. As we've talked about today, we do talk
1749
01:45:41.560 --> 01:45:45.199
about the twelve needs in the Foundational Lift program and
1750
01:45:45.279 --> 01:45:48.119
it is also offered as a standalone course that people
1751
01:45:48.159 --> 01:45:51.439
can take online and at their own pace. And so
1752
01:45:51.600 --> 01:45:55.359
we both highly recommend that you can learn more at
1753
01:45:55.439 --> 01:45:58.680
Tim Fletcher dot ca. And we'll include the links to
1754
01:45:59.239 --> 01:46:02.319
contact more and also to find more information about this
1755
01:46:03.039 --> 01:46:07.479
in the show notes. And so if today's episode resonated
1756
01:46:07.520 --> 01:46:12.000
with you, please remember you're not alone. Healing is possible,
1757
01:46:12.800 --> 01:46:15.600
and you're worthy of every single one of these needs.
1758
01:46:16.279 --> 01:46:19.199
Until next time, take care of yourselves and I'm stealing
1759
01:46:19.279 --> 01:46:22.279
this from Morag. Find something that makes your heart sing.
1760
01:46:26.079 --> 01:46:28.920
Thank you for joining us on the Time with Tim podcast.
1761
01:46:29.479 --> 01:46:32.800
If you'd like to share your own experiences or have questions,
1762
01:46:32.960 --> 01:46:36.800
feel free to email us at podcasts at Tim Fletcher
1763
01:46:36.840 --> 01:46:42.399
dot ca. Want to learn more about complex trauma, subscribe
1764
01:46:42.399 --> 01:46:45.520
to Tim Fletcher's YouTube channel for past lectures and is
1765
01:46:45.560 --> 01:46:48.960
Friday Night Tim Talks You can also connect with us
1766
01:46:49.000 --> 01:46:54.319
on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and TikTok. Looking for more support,
1767
01:46:54.880 --> 01:46:57.960
We offer programs and courses to help with healing complex
1768
01:46:58.000 --> 01:47:01.960
trauma and recovering from addiction. Visit Tim Fletcher dot ca
1769
01:47:02.000 --> 01:47:05.159
A to learn more or send us an inquiry. We're
1770
01:47:05.199 --> 01:47:09.079
here to support you until we meet again. Take care
1771
01:47:09.359 --> 01:47:11.399
and thank you for letting us be a part of
1772
01:47:11.439 --> 01:47:12.479
your healing journey.