Michael: Arby, are you in a new home?
arby: No.
Michael: You're still in Colorado? you
arby: Yeah. Yeah.
Michael: have your your paintings gone or something.
arby: Yeah. Take just taking things down, putting it putting them deconstructing the home, you know, it doesn't feel like a house anymore.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, it probably feels
Michael: Are you
Lauren Lowder: really naked.
arby: It feels really sad and lifeless.
Michael: this house just ain't a home anymore. See,
arby: It's not
Michael: last summer before you girls came here, we moved upstairs and we were we lived in the d the downstairs flat for so long, like five years. We were so sad, like packing everything up. But once we were out of it, we were like and even though we like have to literally walk by our door every day to get to our new door and like walk past, you know, see the outside of the flat, whatever, I was just like, That old flat is not our home anymore. Like it didn't feel like I
arby: Yeah.
Michael: didn't it was w it was weird. Like it wasn't weird going past it 'cause I like, it that is not ours. So, I don't know.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
arby: Right. Yeah. You don't realize how quickly you can make a space your home once you're
Michael: Seriously, what's it's where your shit is, I think.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
arby: Yeah. And just like how you Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Home is where the shit is.
arby: Just where you're
Lauren Lowder: Home is where your shit is. Yeah, we drive by our old our
arby: Yeah. So
Lauren Lowder: old house sometimes and we feel the same way.
Michael: In Hershey?
Lauren Lowder: In in Winston, in North Carolina.
Michael: yeah. It's like mm, there it is. It's like someone else's now. It's like not it doesn't look like you're it's like weird.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Yeah, we actually just
Michael: Yeah.
arby: this just this morning, just before I hopped on, we Todd and I co signed our lease, our tenant signed last night. So it was really yes, it's the couple that
Michael: was it the couple you w was it the couple you wanted?
Lauren Lowder: Wow.
arby: we wanted. So it's so strange to me to think that You know, their move in date is the first in the first week of October. And a month from now, a month and a couple of days from now, this like this I'm sitting in my room, like this will not be my room anymore, and that is so weird. There's just gonna be two freaks just fucking in here.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Yeah.
Michael: Yep. There's gonna you're gonna come back and there's gonna be like a bunch of like when they move out there's gonna be like a bunch of like b bolt holes in the ceiling and I don't know, like
arby: Yeah it's
Lauren Lowder: Bolts.
Michael: burn marks in the rug and you'll be like, What what do you guys do in here?
arby: What the hell went on here? Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
Michael: You'll have to get like like those s anti Satan people to come around and Yeah.
arby: yeah. That
Lauren Lowder: Sage you'll have to sage the
arby: w we'll need
Lauren Lowder: house for sure.
arby: to get it fumigated and exercised after they move out. They do. Which is so funny. It's like
Michael: But you said they look super normal, right? Well that means they're probably fucking freaks.
arby: they came to my house, they both had such a great like aura about them, so friendly, great eye contact, great handshakes, and then they come into this home and just destroy it.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
Michael: That's likely to be honest.
arby: Like like like rabies ridden raccoons.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Scratch marks all over the walls. Yeah. Have you is this your first time renting Abbey to anyone? Being a first time landlord?
arby: Yeah, we've never this is our we are first time landlords, yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Or be the landlord.
arby: that's my landlord name. I signed Arby. Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Did you sign it, Arby? Okay. Nice. No
Michael: It's where the beef
Lauren Lowder: last name, like share.
Michael: is. Like sure.
arby: It's kind of like a you know, like a alter ego. Like my landlord alter ego is Arby.
Lauren Lowder: Right. You're really stepping into that role with that new name.
arby: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: It's just a whole different identity.
Michael: What is what is Arby's thing? Arby's. We got the be it's a we got the beef.
arby: We we have the meats.
Lauren Lowder: We have the meats, good job. Yeah,
Michael: No. Meats.
Lauren Lowder: yeah.
arby: Yes, meats. Yes, we have the meats.
Michael: But they just have one type of meat. It's roast beef. There's no chicken, there's no be it's just one type of meat. Meats.
arby: I would venture to say it's
Lauren Lowder: I think
arby: mystery meat, all it's just a bunch of mystery meats.
Michael: I'm here for that. I like that.
Lauren Lowder: They've got a lot of I think they've got a lot of meats. I think they've got at least two.
Michael: You where I got a lot of meats? In my pants!
Lauren Lowder: In your jeans?
arby: Tell us Would never have guessed.
Lauren Lowder: In your white jeans.
Michael: Yep. well, I hope that goes well for you. Did you like how did you find a contract that you wanted to use?
arby: we got advice, you know, we got some templates from people that are landlords and then we used AI to create our our own version, basically.
Michael: Okay, that's good.
Lauren Lowder: Did you go to that landlord's anonymous meeting last week that I sent you the link to?
arby: I think actually I think Todd went. I didn't I couldn't make it. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Okay. okay. And that's where he
Michael: Didn't
Lauren Lowder: got the the contracts.
arby: Yeah, that's where we got our lease
Michael: And the crabs.
arby: agreements. Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: Yeah, whatever we could do to be slumlords as as quickly and efficiently as possible, that's that's the goal.
Michael: Yeah, you need to
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: sectionate that house. I think that
arby: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Michael: means you like it's like a government housing thing. But
arby: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Michael: it gives that vibe.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Mm hmm. It
arby: My house does give section eight.
Lauren Lowder: does the interior, definitely.
Michael: Yeah. D did you take off are you gonna take off all your live laugh love decals that you have all over the house and like this house is a home?
arby: No, we're gonna leave those up. We're gonna leave those up because we wanna make sure everyone knows that this is a place where you come to live, laugh and love.
Michael: Okay.
arby: And you know.
Lauren Lowder: Well, and it's hard to peel that off drywall, the stickers.
arby: Exactly. We'll
Michael: It brings the whole wall with it.
arby: have to paint repaint the whole house if I take them all down.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Right. And it's just like paint over you can see the outline of Live Laugh Love still on the wall.
Michael: Ha ha ha.
arby: Yeah. Yeah, we have to take the rooster wallpaper down out of the kitchen. The two or the very large life size fork and spoon that's hanging in the kitchen.
Lauren Lowder: Yes. And the jarred
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: like olives and the yeah, I know exactly. Yeah.
arby: Yeah, the basis of of dried accoutrement.
Lauren Lowder: Right.
Michael: I yeah. Make what about your pupori? Are you packing the potpourri?
arby: So much potpourri everywhere. Just bags, bowls, vases, you name it, we've got potpourri in it.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: that sounds good. Shit, I had something to say.
arby: Wait, guys, one time one time when I was in junior high, my friend came over after school. My
Lauren Lowder: Squirrel.
arby: friend my friend came over after school. My mom had a bowl of potpourri sitting out on one of the tables as a a decorative and nice smelling thing. And she goes really, really, really enthusiastically, eyes are bugging out of her head, grin on her face. She says
Michael: Thought it was a snack.
arby: she said, craisins, I love your mom. And she reached for the for the bowl of potpourri and put a put like one of the things in her potpourri things in her mouth. Thought it was craisins.
Michael: my god.
Lauren Lowder: And she's no longer with us.
arby: Yeah, she spit it out really fast. I was like, Ym mm yeah, not crazins. those are that's potpourri.
Michael: Yeah. She God only knows what else she'd stick in her mouth randomly. I'm not even trying to make that sexual. I'm just thinking like things that she w might j just think are random, you know, food and they're not.
arby: Isn't isn't that really funny though that she thought my mom's potpourri was a bowl of craisins?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. But when I picture potpourri, I picture like dried flowers and
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: shaves of bark. Like
arby: I know I
Michael: Was she attention seeking this girl? Because that sounds like kind of attention seeking energy. No.
arby: I don't think that she did it was just me and her. Well there was no one to make a scene for. anyway. Yeah, so
Lauren Lowder: Did they look like craisins? Were they little
arby: I r I'm thinking I'm vaguely remembering, but you know like the little red like
Michael: I know, like the berry looking things. Yeah. I think I can picture this.
arby: Yeah, exactly. You know, she went down
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
arby: to Rhodes Pharmacy and got herself a nice bag of potpourri.
Lauren Lowder: Hm. Of course. Rhodes Pharmacy's not there
Michael: Hey Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: anymore.
Michael: nope, it's not a toy shop.
arby: Sad.
Michael: this reminds me of a qu
arby: Yeah.
Michael: of a time a very similar thing happened with me. I was walking with my old roommate Tess and we were walking down Bond Street and so the street in it's a street in London. It's similar to like like Fifth Avenue. It's like all like the like proddy Gucci proddy. Pratty Gucci Fendi.
arby: Pratty, yeah. It's pratty.
Michael: all of these types of stores, on this one street. it's like the Fifth Avenue of London. but anyways, I was walking down and there was this woman standing I think she ha I thought she had an apron on, but she had an apron on standing with a silver platter and in the silver platter w on the silver platter were all these like little cupcake holders and in the cupcake, like, you know, what do you call those? The cupcake wrapper liner.
Lauren Lowder: Liner? Yeah.
Michael: were these like little
Lauren Lowder: Panty liner?
Michael: colorful yeah were these little colorful cubes and I was like mmm I was like I'll take one of these and I'm like it's a can it's it's a candy. So I throw it in my mouth and I start chewing it. I'm like, my God. Like this is soap. Like this is soap. And immediately guys it was so you know the whole like I'll wash your mouth out with soap. I was like that what it what's that gonna do? That would stop me. It was disgusting and I went and bought a bottle of water from like a hot dog kind of stand and I was just gargling and like swishing and spitting and it looked like I had rabies 'cause I was just like throwing up or like spitting out suds. Suds. On this fancy street
Lauren Lowder: All the bubbles. Mm.
Michael: where people pulling up and like the Rolls Royce and I'm like spitting bubbles.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
Michael: What are you looking at? but yeah, it was so embarrassing.
Lauren Lowder: Soap embarrassing.
Michael: Soap embarrassing.
Lauren Lowder: God, that's nasty. That's real nasty.
arby: I never had to have my mouth washed out with soap.
Michael: You mean growing up?
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Is that a thing peop people actually did? Like people do that? You mean like our grandparents or like
arby: Yeah. Yeah, my mom would threaten it, but she
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, people did.
arby: My mom used to threaten
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: it.
Lauren Lowder: Same with us. I don't know if it ever happened though.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: I just don't understand the logistics of doing that with your child. Like I can see smacking your kid's ass. Like I can picture that.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: But I cannot picture like opening the mouth. P how does it get
arby: It was always a bar of soap. Yeah.
Michael: so do you squeeze is it is it liquid? Is it I don't know.
arby: You know, haven't you ever seen a Christmas story where they put the bar of red soap in in Ralphie's mouth?
Michael: But that sounds like it's that sounds wrong. Well yeah, it sounds like child abuse.
Lauren Lowder: Torturous. Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah, it's bad.
Michael: I mean I'm don't cancel me. I understand slapping your kid's ass or something. But but
Lauren Lowder: Slapping your kid around.
Michael: d don't shove any
arby: The soap the soap.
Michael: unwarranted objects in their mouth. I think that's weird.
arby: When we were when we were doing our road trip from Pennsylvania to Colorado, we stopped at the Christmas story house in Ohio, 'cause it's now a museum
Lauren Lowder: Cool.
arby: that you can go in. It's kind of set up how it was in the movie. And they had the bar of red soap on the little i you know, like thing in the bathroom. Yes.
Lauren Lowder: Display case. yeah. Yeah yeah.
arby: No, it was just sitting. Just the bar of soap was just sitting out for anyone to grab. And Todd grabbed a bar of soap and put it in his mouth.
Lauren Lowder: So did thirty million people before him.
arby: E yeah, exactly. And that's gross.
Lauren Lowder: Ooh
Michael: What where did he grab a bar of soap?
Lauren Lowder: At this museum, the Christmas house story museum.
arby: huh.
Michael: But where where w where was was the soap like for public use?
Lauren Lowder: It was at the sink. Yeah, it that's interesting.
arby: So I tried a menstrual cup for the first time in my life last night.
Lauren Lowder: Tell us everything, don't leave anything out.
arby: Michael gagged. Do you know what a menstrual cup is, honey?
Michael: Did you fill it up to the tippy top? I do know what it is. Yeah, I do.
arby: Well, so here's the thing. I am having an issue where I think they must have turned CERN back on because I haven't but I didn't
Lauren Lowder: That's what happened. That had to be.
arby: I didn't I wasn't able to release shed my
Michael: At least the egg.
arby: uterine lining for a couple months and now I'm hemorrhaging my uterine lining. So It's bad. I need diapers. Anyway, so I went and got the menstrual cup, but I what I didn't know and didn't realize when I was purchasing it, that there are two different sizes. There's like size one and size two. Size one is for women who have not bore children. Size two is supposed to be for women who've had children. because they have, you know, a wide set vagina.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
Michael: That's why you walk the way you walk.
arby: And yeah. I accidentally bought size two.
Lauren Lowder: Bow legged.
arby: And so I brought it home and I looked at that thing and was like, How in the hell is this gonna go up there? I don't know. long story short, I ended up f shoving it up there and
Michael: On a scale of thimble to shot glass, what's it like?
arby: my god. It's like
Lauren Lowder: Closer to shot glass, right?
arby: it's I would say it's almost exactly
Michael: Bigger than chalk class.
arby: like a shot glass. I think it's pretty close to exact the exact size of a shot glass. Yeah. I know. But it's like th it's thin, flexible, medical grade silicone. So it it's f it's flexible and it folds. But so this morning, I you know, I wore it all night. It actually works really well. I was very impressed. This morning I went to take it out and I was really nervous to take it out because I thought, well, what if it's full? Like, how does it come out? Does it all just explode? Does it explode like a firework when you take it out? I don't I do I should
Michael: Sorry, you sleep with it in. What if you get toxic shock syndrome?
Lauren Lowder: Like a popper.
arby: I yes. Like a birthday pop or I'm
Michael: Like one of those
arby: like I'm like, do
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
arby: I need to be laying a towel down and out? Should I have prote
Lauren Lowder: Some people do it in the shower, yeah. Yeah.
Michael: Cer yeah, certainly you would do this over straddling a toilet
arby: Right.
Michael: or something.
arby: Yes. Yes, but then I thought, well what if I drop it and it falls into the toilet? I I don't know, there was just a lot of there was a lot of things
Michael: Drop it like it's hot, then you can fish it out.
arby: there was a lot of things to think about. I was just I don't know. Also the little hook thing that hangs out of you so that you can pull it out, was not long enough unless I have a really deep vahen
Michael: You do.
arby: and it I was like having to reach all the way up in me to pull it out.
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: God, I'd be freakin'. I'd be freakin'.
arby: Anyway, so I go to pull it out
Michael: Freakin' Deacon.
arby: and I'm slowly trying to pull it out and I'm like, I don't like
Michael: Mm-hmm.
arby: how this feels. It's strange. But it's probably the closest thing I'll ever to feel giving no, giving birth
Michael: Orgasm.
arby: to anything. Cause it I mean I felt like this it was this big coming out. It
Lauren Lowder: my god.
arby: it just felt really big. But it but it came out and I'll be honest, that thing works really well. No spill. caught everything really well.
Michael: Did it flick your bean on the way out?
Lauren Lowder: You have to pay extra for that.
arby: Yeah, I didn't I did not.
Michael: You pull it out and at the end you're like Ooh
Lauren Lowder: When she poured it into the toilet, it sounded like she was emptying a two-liter into the toilet.
Michael: Ha!
arby: Glug glug glug glug glug glug. No, I actually
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
arby: felt a little lightheaded when I emptied it. I was like
Michael: my that's because you're losing
Lauren Lowder: yeah.
Michael: so much blood.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, she
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: yeah.
arby: Anyway, but when I pulled
Michael: my lord.
arby: it out it went like this
Lauren Lowder: No. Did it really Did it really make a sound?
arby: It kinda I swear to god it kind of did because it suctions to the inside walls. So
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Right.
arby: it did kind of make like a c noise when I took it out. I don't know. But you know what?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Right. Unbelievable.
arby: That thing, if it works like that, I'm really happy with it. It's gonna save me a lot of money and products.
Lauren Lowder: God, yeah.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Is it in it is it like it's just as healthy, right?
arby: Yeah, I think it's healthier than than shoving the the chem chemical ridden
Lauren Lowder: Lead soaked tampons, yeah.
arby: tampons up your
Michael: How do you clean this thing? Like spray some Windex on it or something?
Lauren Lowder: Two.
Michael: No.
arby: yeah, no, I I think you're just supposed to just boil it in hot water for a few minutes and let it dry.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Or you could put it like maybe I think dishwasher's supposed to sterilize things. You could probably just put it in your dishwasher, like on your cutlery rack thing.
arby: Totally. Yeah. Yeah, with the rest of our forks and knives and spoons.
Michael: If they if they could talk, they'd be like, What are you doing here?
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha.
arby: Yeah. We know where you were last night.
Lauren Lowder: Ha
Michael: And the wooden spoons are like, I know where you've been. I know where you've been. That's maybe making a joke that you used to use a wooden spoon as a Huh? Smell like pennies.
arby: They're like you stink. You smell like pennies. You smell like pennies. Why does it smell like pennies in the dishwasher? You That's not marinara sauce.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: I'm so glad don't have these problems. Have your boyfri you you don't have boyfriends. Why don't we just stop saying husbands and just c start calling all of our partners boyfriends? I think it's more natural. enough
arby: They're yeah, our boyfriends.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: of this faux love that you have. has anybody ever had to fish anything out of you?
Lauren Lowder: Almost a turd. Almost a turred
Michael: No.
Lauren Lowder: once. Almost. I almost panic called him to come give me a hook and scoop one day. I was in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, I'll never forget it.
arby: Forget it either. So
Lauren Lowder: Did I tell you that story, Michael?
Michael: They're
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, it's really good.
Michael: But there is just no situation where you'd have to do that. Like you could just take
arby: It's important. Well
Michael: a stool softener or a laxative and wait to the next day.
Lauren Lowder: No, I have
arby: Mm mm.
Lauren Lowder: I that's I did do those things. So here is the thing. I was peak gut issues. I if you know anything about me, you know this girl's got some gut issues. And one year, one summer, we traveled up to Pennsylvania and we did Hershey Park and we did all the things, whatever. I think it was twenty twenty one. And I had a really bad bout of constipation that week. And when your when I When I'm constipated, sometimes it's like you push, push, push, push, and then it compacts the turd down at the asshole, and all you do is like kind of chisel it off. So
Michael: No.
Lauren Lowder: what happens is you're pushing, pushing, pushing every time you're trying to go to the bathroom to where you f basically at the base of your ass form a mega turd, right? Because you're just
Michael: The Megalodon.
Lauren Lowder: you're you're just forcing it each time and can only chisel out a tiny bit each time with your sphincter. So what had happened was I had reached peak megalodon at this trip
Michael: I'm embarrassed.
Lauren Lowder: and I had drank like Sena, is it senna tea? What's the one that just makes you have to go?
arby: Yes, sanity, yes.
Lauren Lowder: I had drank senna tea. I was doing all the things to keep myself going and to sought like to keep it going. And I f I finally had the urge to go. And so I ran to this Airbnb bathroom and sat down and it This you talk about knowing what
Michael: Bless the toilet.
Lauren Lowder: it's you know what it's you're talking about, Abby, knowing what it's like to give birth. This situation allowed me to understand the process of giving birth.
Michael: The rip the rippage.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. And I felt the need to push. So it's like, I think I have to push and I'm contracting. And so I pushed, and as I'm pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, it's like nothing's coming, but I can my body can feel how thick and dense this thing is at my the base of my colon. So I am pushing. I'm starting to stretch, rip. I can feel how big it is. And I'm like, I'm panicking to where I'm like almost yelling for Gabriel like I might need you in here because I can't pass this.
Michael: Gotta pass out.
Lauren Lowder: I can't pass it on my own. So I'm not even kidding. Like 20 minutes go by of me pushing and r resting, pushing, resting. Finally this thing My asshole stretches to compac to capacity and as soon as it passes, it's like and my butthole just like kind of goes back to normal. But it it was like I pa it was like passing a tennis ball through through my asshole.
arby: Basketball.
Lauren Lowder: And it was like after it came out, my butthole just went like, you know, just kind of like kind of like a all the elasticity was gone. And I looked in the toilet and it really was the size of a tennis ball and there was It was it was a scene. It was a murder scene in there. And I was like, I'll never walk right after this.
Michael: I gotta go.
Lauren Lowder: It was really bad. It was so traumatic. It was so traumatic. Michael, you've
arby: Did you almost
Lauren Lowder: never had a weird poop like that?
Michael: Of course, but I like get it out. Like somehow my body is like I get like I don't sit there and push and squeeze and I I just
Lauren Lowder: Has it been as big as a tennis ball?
Michael: yes, yes. I look down there I look down there sometimes and thought I could be a pass around party bottom.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: And I won't even get into what that means. But yeah, I am telling you it's the human body is incredible. Mm. Mm. Well you can overcome.
Lauren Lowder: Like constipation wise? Like it's from constipation, you have a compacted
Michael: It's incredible. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Well, that doesn't happen often to me, thank God. But it was traumatic.
Michael: Well, yeah. Like w one time I was going and I was like, This thing needs more time to 'cause for the pills to work. and I waited the next day and it really worked out well, so
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, I looked at the toilet at mine and was like, should I do skin to skin? What do I do with this? Like
Michael: What does that mean?
Lauren Lowder: after you give birth after you give birth your baby should lay on you.
Michael: you put it on here.
arby: Put it put it
Michael: Girls. We need to stop. People are gonna think we're weird.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: God forbid, God forbid they think we're weird.
Lauren Lowder: That's the goal. That's the goal.
arby: That was so funny. Do you think it wants formula?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Lauren Lowder: It's not latching.
arby: I milk.
Michael: It needs its its tongue snipped.
Lauren Lowder: Something's wrong.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: It needs circumcised
arby: Holy shit. Hang on guys, really quick, is my camera too far away? Am I too far away, Lauren?
Lauren Lowder: Maybe a little, yeah.
Michael: Guys, you know what song I heard Kelly Clarkson you know how I'm obsessed with Kelly Clarkson doing other people's like covers other people's songs.
Lauren Lowder: No, I didn't know this about you.
arby: I didn't know either.
Michael: really? Every Thanksgiving Joe forces me to go ro us our our friends to go around the table and say something that we're thankful for. And every year I say I'm thankful once again thankful for Kelly Clarkson's covers of other people's songs that she's done. Because they're just
arby: Stop it.
Michael: so good. But the one she came out with recently is I think it's like a K-pop song. You know, it's like now I I don't know the words. But also sing the words that I think it's now I'm burning like I'm swerning like a butterbee. It's
Lauren Lowder: Those are the words.
Michael: like going up up up and that one, my lord.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: She can sing anything. She's amazing.
arby: yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: She can sing anything, yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: That is a fact about
Michael: I if I were s if I were a singer and I wrote a banger, I would hate to think what Kelly Clarkson's gonna do with it.
arby: Right.
Michael: Damn. She's gonna
Lauren Lowder: She's gonna make it better. Yeah.
Michael: make it better. Yeah.
arby: She got those pipes.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I was worried when she went on the Ozempic that she would somehow lose her like ability to sing. 'Cause I don't know, I feel like bigger girls can no, look at Oriana Grande. She's Like a stick and she can really blast out. Yeah yeah. She does not look good. sh or she does not look healthy. How's that? But
Lauren Lowder: that's that's that's a crisis. That's yeah, that's a medical that's a medical issue. Yeah. Yeah.
Michael: no, Kelly Clarkson, she's doing the ozem picking thing, I believe, and she is a good I think a healthy weight, whatever, and but she can still sing, so that's great.
Lauren Lowder: Good for her.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Lauren Lowder: Good for her.
arby: But when her and Ariana sing together, which they have a few times, it's
Michael: I've seen that too.
arby: it's so good, yeah. Those two are they're belters.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Mm.
Michael: Muzz, have you are you not familiar with these videos?
Lauren Lowder: Familiar with what?
Michael: Th what we're talking about? Like rehearsing other people's songs and this Ariana Grande and Kelly Clarkson video?
Lauren Lowder: I feel like I could have seen a clip from it. But I don't know if I've I'm as you know, knowledgeable about it as you.
Michael: y you need to familiarize with yourself with that. There's also a great video, I think it must have been over COVID because people in the audience were wearing masks, but between the weekend, and Ariana Grande they sing that song that they have together and she hits this like Mariah Carey dog whistle high n note and I'm like, wow. Incredible. Encreable.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Mm hmm. That is incredible.
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: So today we're gonna play a game called Famous Face Off, and here's how it works. We are locking two famous people into a hypothetical room and running them through a gauntlet of who is more likely to scenarios. Who would like to start today?
Michael: I feel like Okay.
arby: Okay, so I I'll start. I have I am choosing two very well known actors. Leonardo DiCaprio is going up against Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
Michael: Two middle aged hotties.
arby: and correct. Yeah, I think they they they're in the same kind of wheelhouse together.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. One's head is much bigger though. One's head is much
Michael: They're the type that like
Lauren Lowder: bigger.
Michael: I feel like they're the they're the age
arby: yes, balloon. Blimphead.
Michael: of guys who you would wanna bang and your moms would want to bang.
Lauren Lowder: Ha
arby: Yeah, that's right. They're they teeter that line. Yeah.
Michael: Right? Yeah.
arby: I agree. Okay, so we've got Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey. And the first the first question that I have or what if scenario is who who of the two is more likely to initiate sex with really bad breath?
Lauren Lowder: They have really
Michael: I
Lauren Lowder: bad breath or they're initiating sex with someone with bad breath.
arby: They have really bad breath. Like they're like no, like Leo, let's say, hypothetically speaking, you're hooking up with Leonardo DiCaprio, w one hour of the day, and then the next hour of the day you're hooking up with Matthew McConaughey and one of them is pursuing you and breathing really hot, stinky breath on you. Which one's more likely to? Really?
Lauren Lowder: Leo, hundred percent. Hundred percent.
Michael: Well, I have mm, I don't know. I think that Leonardo DiCaprio is sleazyer. Like he just kinda gives me man whore vibes who like goes out and bangs twenty one year olds, which is I respect. But I think that Matthew McConaughey's kind of like a hippie. And I feel like he if he has toothpaste around great and if he doesn't, that's okay too. So
Lauren Lowder: Matthew McConaughey
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: is so much more aware, I think, of himself, how he presents in the world. He would never initiate sex with stinky breath. I would die on that.
arby: Mm.
Michael: Okay.
Lauren Lowder: But that's just me. That's me. I that's my you know, I I'm not Jesus here, so
arby: No, it it's it's funny 'cause I can picture Matthew walking up off of you know, or walking out of a barn covered in horse manure and dirty jeans and feet and breathing down my neck with
Michael: Exactly. It's gonna stink.
arby: horse hay breath.
Michael: Exactly.
Lauren Lowder: Have you guys read Matthew McConaughey's autobiography? I think that you would
arby: No. No I haven't, but I heard I've heard
Michael: Have you?
Lauren Lowder: answer this differently if you had read if you read it if you read it.
arby: I I mean, I it's just what I it's just how my where my brain takes me.
Lauren Lowder: It's going off vibes. I d I love that. You're going off vibes. I do love that.
arby: But also Leo, I think Leo would his breath would be very
Michael: He smells like he looks like a walking cigarette tray.
arby: It w he would be s he would be s very smoky.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: and but also I wanna say he would just reek of brandy. I guess I'm really going Titanic here.
Michael: He'd be walking around with his pen and paper or whatever his that he drew with.
arby: Yeah, just doing sketches.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Yeah, no, I don't know. I I think that I'd be more icked by Matthew than I would be Leo. And I think that's just a personal preference.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, I respect that. Is there a dog panting?
arby: Even if No, I think this is shaking, sorry.
Michael: That's her cup make it's that's her cup going
arby: It's my menstrual cup. Why is it doing that? Okay, so moving on. of the two, do you think Leonardo DiCaprio or Matthew McConaughey would re would report you to HR after you microwave fish in the break room? The shared break room.
Lauren Lowder: I think Matthew McConaughey's gonna be more pissed about that.
Michael: Yeah, again just because I think Leonardo DiCaprio's gross. And he probably like lives in a fr house that looks like a frat house. So I think that it
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: would be Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. I think Matthew would be more on the lookout for everybody else and s and and be pissed about that and kind of stand up for the for the for his coworkers.
Michael: Yeah. I feel like he also like Matthew McConaughe McConaughey lives in a airstream but it's like very clean. So like he would he
arby: Okay.
Michael: would know how to take care of a microwave.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: I think Matthew would walk in and be like, who's got the salmon? And
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: Ha ha ha.
arby: who's willing to share? I can't do his accent. But I think he would walk. All rattle rattle ratt. Yeah, no, he would
Michael: What is he th what's his like little catchphrase that he says? Not well, well, well. All right, all right, all right.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
arby: walk into the break room and say, all rattle rattle rattle
Michael: Or he'll say no no no
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah.
arby: it's rank.
Lauren Lowder: All right, what you got next?
arby: who is more likely is Leonardo DiCaprio or Matthew McConaughey more likely to have a wildly unkempt caveman bush?
Michael: easy. Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, I th I think he would have the bush.
Michael: He's a nature man. He's like outdoor yeah. But I also feel like
arby: Mm.
Michael: Matthew or what's his name?
arby: Leonardo.
Michael: yeah, he would have like a matted bush. 'Cause he's just there
Lauren Lowder: Or he's bald. I almost see Leo
arby: like it
Lauren Lowder: as bald. He shaves it bald.
Michael: Maybe
arby: no
Michael: maybe
arby: no, I don't like that.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, it's it's slick down there, like a seal.
arby: Like a wet
Michael: oop.
arby: seal head.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm. Yep. All right, what you got next?
arby: All right. So you go out to dinner with Leonardo DiCaprio, you go out to dinner with Matthew McConaughey. Which of the two is more likely to treat weight staff badly?
Michael: Leonardo DiCaprio. He
Lauren Lowder: Leo. Leo for sure.
Michael: is angry at life 'cause he never got his Oscar. And he's I think yeah. Again Matthew McConaughey is a man of the people. He lives in an airstream.
arby: Hmm. A clean, well well kept airstream.
Lauren Lowder: Yes. Leo is angry. You're right, Michael. Leo does give
Michael: Yeah. Mm.
Lauren Lowder: very bottled up anger.
Michael: I fear for the woman he dates. I feel like he I hope that they are safe.
arby: Yes. There's Oof. Ugh. Yeah. He's got that snap factor for sure. Yeah.
Michael: Hmm, big snap. Bend and snap.
arby: The bend and snap. Yeah. And then I was just gonna to piggyback off of that. It's like who makes the most modifications to their order and then sends it back when it doesn't come out exactly as requested.
Lauren Lowder: Matthew McConaughey would eat roadkill,
Michael: I would go Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: so I would say Leo.
arby: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Lauren Lowder: Leo's gonna be more particular with that. He's got a bald butt. He doesn't even have pubic hair. I think he's more particular about that.
arby: Yeah. Right. If the raisins c don't come out on the side, then he's sending it back. And he's flipping the table along with it.
Lauren Lowder: Exactly. Exactly.
Michael: What th what he order that would have raisins
arby: Mm-hmm.
Michael: on the side?
arby: Great question. Everybody and here's the thing. But here's the thing is is the dish didn't
Lauren Lowder: Chicken salad. He's gonna pick all the raisin Oatmeal raisin cookies.
Michael: You should say dressing on the side. You could have said any anything.
arby: the the dish didn't have the dish didn't have raisins in it, but he specifically asked for them and yes,
Lauren Lowder: A bowl of raisins, yeah.
arby: and they and he they didn't come out on the side like he requested.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Can I have the b the lasagna and could I have a b side of raisins?
arby: With the side of golden raisins.
Lauren Lowder: But the raisins on the side.
arby: And they have to be golden. If they're not golden, I send it back and flip the table.
Lauren Lowder: Exactly. Yeah.
Michael: Mm. I love raisins. I tried talking about keep hold on.
arby: Yeah, and then last but not last new
Michael: Talking about trying to keep myself regular. I thought, hmm, raisins will help, but apparently they're not a big helper of keeping people regular.
arby: No, you have to eat like whole prunes.
Michael: Yeah. I thought they were like mini prunes and I like, I'll just have a whole fuck ton of these.
Lauren Lowder: Prune juice.
arby: Raisins are grapes.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Drink prune juice.
arby: yeah, get yourself some prune juice. Do a prune juice anima.
Lauren Lowder: my god.
arby: That would stink. All right, last but not least, of the two, Leonardo DiCaprio up against Matthew McConaughey, who is more likely to have illicit drugs in their car?
Michael: Easy.
Lauren Lowder: Leo.
Michael: Leo. He does have them.
arby: He he does. And Yeah. He's got him.
Lauren Lowder: He has in his pocket, yeah. He's got b balloons of coke shoved up his ass.
arby: In every orifice, in every corner of every piece of anything he owns. The car, the clothes, the house.
Lauren Lowder: The line colo the walls are lined with coke. Yes.
arby: His butler even has Coke in his
Michael: Is a drug mule.
arby: ears. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: The drug puel.
Michael: An actual mule.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: speaking of Coke,
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
Michael: whenever I was talking about this last night, 'cause you know I never do drugs, I were going to our sec or sorry, our ninth and tenth wedding this upcoming weekend and the following weekend. and I was telling people about how when I my mom and her friend actually last night at dinner, more than just people, how I go out for the to these weddings and I always try to stay on you know, at the venue because between dinner and dancing I like to go back to where we're staying, take off my suit, lay down and like have a one hour nap and then I come back to the wedding all energized and jazzed up. And I think that people
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: think that I did like a line of coke somewhere but not even. I just took a nap.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: We just took a little nipper.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Mm.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Very roundabout w st way of telling you that I take naps at weddings, but and don't do cook, yeah.
arby: And don't do coke. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: And don't do cook. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Abs, are you done? That was wonderful. What great celebrities. Michael, do you want to go next? Who do you have for us
Michael: I'll go next.
Lauren Lowder: today?
Michael: So first off I will say this that I am so sad to hear about Dolly Parton dying. I literally
arby: I know.
Michael: can't like I feel like she was the last of the Mohicans. Like she was one person in the world who everyone could agree on was great. Like who can say one bad thing about her?
Lauren Lowder: Nobody.
Michael: so it's very sad that she's gone and she did a lot of nice things for a lot of people.
arby: Yeah, she did.
Michael: so I chose her and the one and maybe the only share. b both divas.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, great.
arby: Ooh, this is fun. Yes.
Michael: I love For similar but also different reasons.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: and let's go at this one. So who would be more likely to accidentally sleep with the wrong twin and only realize at breakfast?
Lauren Lowder: Share for sure.
arby: Dolly. no! I think Dolly Dolly Dolly
Michael: No. I think Dolly. Dolly always made herself sound up so made herself up to be a skank.
arby: She Dolly loved she loved to have she loved a romp. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, okay, you've swayed me. I I g I could I can
Michael: She did.
Lauren Lowder: yeah, I can get on board with that. I can get on board with that.
Michael: I think that I don't think that Cher is she's not a prude, but I don't think that she is I don't know
arby: Cher has super, super high standards and standards, and she also has a checklist, a very specific checklist that has that a person has to like abide by before she would decide to have any sexual relations with someone. Yes.
Michael: Or even talk to them. time I watched this episode. Well, do you know that I I used to love Regis and Kelly? It it turned into like Regis and or sorry, not Regis and Kelly. Kelly and Michael, Michael Strayhand, like the morning
Lauren Lowder: Mm, mm.
Michael: talk show. Sh
arby: Yeah, yeah. That's really funny, Michael.
Michael: I I love Kelly Ripa. Who doesn't love Kelly Rippa? She's a jersey girl, she's fun. Maybe she should be on this. No she's not. I love her. You don't like her?
arby: She's annoying as fuck. Are you serious? Okay.
Lauren Lowder: I'll message her. People a
arby: Nor
Lauren Lowder: lot of people that meet her in public only have bad things to say.
arby: I sh to
Michael: don't
arby: to me she reads as just an annoying gnat, you know, like
Michael: No, I think she's funny.
arby: Okay.
Lauren Lowder: Good.
Michael: Well anyways, I saw one time Dolly Parton was on their show and they had this it was like a scenario question kinda like this and they like, What's the first thing you do in the morning? And Dolly Parton was like, Well, get dressed, put on my clothes and walk home And then everybody laughed because she was, you know, trying to claim that she's like some skank who sleeps around. And I like, That's
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Michael: very funny. Even though she's not, I'm sure she would like never freaking cheat on her husband or do anything too
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
Michael: skinky. But she's not afraid to make a joke about it. So that's why I would say maybe her.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, I get that.
arby: I agree.
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: I get that.
Michael: you know, I think that I might have picked a hard one here because I feel like mm Dolly Parton can do no wrong and does everything perfectly, but I'll go with the second one. Are we ready to move on?
Lauren Lowder: Yes.
Michael: Who would be better at getting out of a speeding ticket by flirting with a police officer?
arby: Mm.
Lauren Lowder: Depends what the police officer's into. Cher gives more of like a dominant sex appeal, where
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Dolly gives more of like that bubbly, you know, s
arby: Southern charm.
Lauren Lowder: southern charm sex appeal. So it really depends on
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: what that cop is into.
Michael: But imagine like Dolly's boobs pushed up against a window. Like those would those first off the window would shatter.
Lauren Lowder: Ha
Michael: If it did but if it didn't shatter, imagine like how good those would look pushed up and what guy wouldn't like that besides me.
arby: Yeah, right. No, but you would like though, in the moment. You'd be like, Those are n yeah. Yeah.
Michael: I would. I would be a I would be a boob guy if I were on that team, yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. I think Dolly would get out of it. I think she would.
arby: She just has that way about her, that the way like the look in her eye. She's got a twinkle in her eye. She's got a twinkle in her dimple.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: Even her teeth when she smiles, there's a twinkle there. It's like she's so charming. She's so endearing and innocent. And Cher, yeah, you'd have to be into some serious S and dominatrix shit to look at Cher and be like you're off the hook.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah. Cher would be putting that officer in handcuffs.
arby: Yeah, and he would like it. He would be like
Michael: Mm. The keys are in the ignition.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah.
arby: Right.
Michael: yeah. Okay. Let's go for
arby: my god, no. The the cop would be like, good girl, and she would kick him in the nut so hard and he'd be like, ma'am.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: okay, who would be more likely to wake up in Vegas married n to someone they met hours earlier? I think that Cher would do that. 'Cause I think Dolly Dolly's more picky. But we just said
arby: Mmm. I do think that Cher, I I was gonna say Cher. Well
Michael: Cher's picky.
arby: Yes, I'd when I think when it comes to Vegas Shh
Michael: And marriage.
arby: and marriage, Cher has more of that rough, gruff, you know, we're gonna go for a night on the town in Vegas and fuck shit up along the way. and anything
Lauren Lowder: And get married, maybe. Yeah, that's fair.
arby: goes. Whereas Dolly would is she's That's just not her s her style.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: but yeah, I I think Cher would rip her top off like and emerge from a limo down coming down the s like the Vegas strip and just be titties out
Lauren Lowder: Yeah yeah.
arby: Shimmy in and a shaken, and yeah, she ends up in the chapel with like a black goth vibe wedding. She wears a black leather
Michael: She would with fringes. Mm-hmm.
arby: Sex suit. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah. A girdle. Yeah, I think you really nailed that. I think you described that to a T.
Michael: likewise. Sorry, I'm just reading over mine. okay. Do you want to do another one?
arby: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Okay. who would be more convincing if they claimed they never sent a nude photo despite being photographic evidence?
Lauren Lowder: Who would be more convincing that they didn't do it? Dolly. She would sweet her way out of it. Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, like who would be like, I didn't do this but even though there's more Yeah. But also I feel like Share would you know, like this is scary today. Share might be more well, Share is also still alive, but Share might be more up on AI, I feel. because today you can like I feel like you can play like, like that's AI, that's not really me. And that's what
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: Mm, mm.
Michael: I'd go for, and that's what's ac also quite scary in the world.
Lauren Lowder: Dolly was a really, really smart businesswoman though, so I could see her knowing the ins and outs of like the up and up of today today's world. And I just think she would s sweet potato pie her way out of it, you know.
Michael: It would r exactly. I think that she would a she was a charmer.
Lauren Lowder: Little old me? Yeah.
arby: But she would be like,
Michael: Mm hmm.
arby: honey, those ain't my nipples. My nipples are soft and buttery.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Y you know what mine look like. I'll do one more.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: who would give better advice on how to fake being sober at a family dinner?
Lauren Lowder: Sure.
Michael: Cher is definitely she's crazier and probably always drunk. So she can probably or Or I don't know if she's drunk and high all the time, but sh Exactly. So I
Lauren Lowder: She's like, honey, I'm drunk right now.
Michael: feel like she would she's the obvious candidate, right?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: She would she would go she would take her long black hair from one side and go ho and she would heave
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: it over her side and say ho ho ho ho ho
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: and that would be it.
Michael: What if she just spoke what if she just spoke the entire dinner in that? Huh.
Lauren Lowder: Ha.
arby: Do you believe
Michael: And then she's like she's
arby: love alone?
Michael: And then like, she's tired. Yeah.
arby: Is that a share song? Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah. That was great. That's a good those are good ones, Michael. Really good. All right.
arby: Those are really good. Yeah, I love those.
Michael: Thanks. Thanks. I'm glad you liked my combination.
Lauren Lowder: That was a w that was a great
arby: It was a good one.
Lauren Lowder: combo. okay, this next face off is between Timothy Chalamet and Tom Holland.
Michael: Mm, Twink versus Twink, my fave.
Lauren Lowder: two of Hollywood's hottest twinks. Facing off. Okay.
arby: Twinks.
Lauren Lowder: okay.
Michael: Also, they're both very much rat faced. Do you know this do you know
arby: Yes.
Lauren Lowder: Very much so. Very much.
Michael: this rat fa like rat versus frog?
arby: No.
Michael: Really? Everybody fits into one of these two categories. Lauren, you are a rat.
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
Michael: Abbey you're a rat. I don't know why you're laughing. I am a f I'm a frog.
arby: Wait, you're either you're a rat
Lauren Lowder: Why are you a frog?
Michael: Casey's 'cause I have more frog energy. Yeah, I have lips.
arby: Y you do have more of a fro I get it, yeah. You're froggier.
Lauren Lowder: Like bigger features?
Michael: Yeah. Casey is a fr rat. Shelby is a frog. Your mom is a rat. Dad a frog.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Gabe is such a rat and I think that Todd is a frog.
arby: I actually agree
Lauren Lowder: Really?
arby: I actually agree with everything you just said.
Lauren Lowder: I don't see Gabriel's
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: a frog. What makes Gabriel a frog? Or sorry, you said a rat, a rat, you said a rat.
Michael: He is he has he has like a c more of a triangular face. Like he's more ratty. He's
arby: It's like face shape, yeah.
Michael: more ratty. Can you picture him eating
arby: Basically anybody that
Michael: or hopping? Or like what's
Lauren Lowder: No hopping. I see him more as a frog and Todd is a rat. Todd's face head shape gives more rat to me. I guess my frog rat dar is off.
Michael: You need to think about this when we hang up.
arby: I just think anybody that has more of like a pronounced chin or I don't know, like that that's like more rat. Frog a frog has a wider head and like more rounded lower b bottom.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: I'm definitely a rat.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, you've g you've given me a lot to think about.
Michael: Anyways, I I will put this out there. Who else knows about rat versus frog? I bet people do. And what are you?
Lauren Lowder: And what are you? Yeah.
arby: But I will say my toes are frog.
Michael: Well they're webbed.
arby: And bulbous at the end.
Lauren Lowder: There couldn't be more frog. There couldn't be more frog.
Michael: They are riveting on their own.
arby: Okay, Lauren, let's do it.
Lauren Lowder: All right. So between the two, between Timothy Chalamet and Tom Holland, who is more likely to tell you if you have food in your teeth?
Michael: Timothy Shaman.
arby: I think Tom. no. Chalamet is
Lauren Lowder: House divided.
arby: Chalamet is walking around with peppercorns and like old ribs stuck between his teeth. He doesn't give a fuck.
Michael: Yeah. He's more grounded.
arby: He doesn't care if you have shit in your teeth. He doesn't even he's not even looking at your teeth. In fact, he's only looking at himself in the reflection of your glasses. He's not looking at anything on your face. Tom Holland, on the other hand, he's like, Honey, you got some shit in your teeth.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: No. British people British people do not point out things like this. They would rather you have an entire slab of bacon hanging out of your mouth than tell you about it.
arby: Mm. I just think Tom has been with Zendier for for too long and she's slapped the Englishman out of him. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: She's Amer yeah, she's Americanized him.
Michael: Like me and Joe.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Correct.
Michael: Thank God they've been saved.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, next, between Timothy Chalamet and Tom Holland, who has the stinkier farts?
arby: Chalamet.
Michael: Probably. Just 'cause I think it's kinda na is kinda nasty.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah, Bernie's. He's got the Bernie
arby: Just is sulfuric like
Lauren Lowder: Sanders.
arby: sulfuric acid. Like just sulfur bombs go off. And it sets the fire
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, they're silent.
arby: it sets the fire alarms off in any rooms he's in.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: And the fire department's like, again, really?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah. Timate.
arby: Can't let him match around that guy.
Lauren Lowder: Mm mm. Okay, between the two, which one's second toe is longer than the first?
arby: This is so funny. Timothy, no doubt.
Michael: Timothy Chalmay. This is obvious. Next question.
arby: It's in its but it's like th six inches longer.
Lauren Lowder: He has to go up like three sho shoe sizes just for his toe.
arby: And that's why he has the Keebler elf shoes, because they're long and pointy and that one toe can go up into it.
Lauren Lowder: For his one toe. Yeah. You guys nailed that, okay?
Michael: Very good job, Abby. With the key blow off shoe.
Lauren Lowder: between between the two, Timothy and Tom, who's more likely to cry after sex?
arby: I think Tom
Michael: No, I know. No. Timothy Chalame. He is one
Lauren Lowder: Why?
Michael: of these guys because I think he's crying for multiple reasons. Or two different scenarios that I could think of off the top of my head. He is the one dating Kendall Jenner, right?
arby: Mm-hmm.
Michael: There are some people in this world, like skinny guy, large girl. K Kendall, is that her name?
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I just said Kendall. Kylie, Joe said. It's Kylie Jenner. Yeah.
arby: Kylie.
Lauren Lowder: Kylie, Kylie, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Michael: She is voluptuous, big ass, and he's a skinny little man. So I think that in bed she pummels him and therefore he cries because of that.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: And if he doesn't pumble him pummel him, he is crying because he ha was victorious and he overcame the obstacles, i. e. her pummeling him. So that's why he's crying after that. So I think that he is probably the the crier.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, like I feel like they're both crying for different reasons. Timothy's crying because he's so moved by his own performance during sex that he's like, I can't believe how amazing I was. And then Tom is like crying because he's so in love with Zendaya that he's just like so moved by her that that's why he's tearing up.
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: That's a hard one. That's a hard one. I can see them both crying for different reasons.
Michael: I can see them both crying.
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
arby: Tim Timothy's crying because he his penis never actually reached the h the hole. It just it just stayed in between
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: No I
arby: butt cheeks.
Lauren Lowder: Ha.
Michael: No, I'm telling you what, I think he's got a big one. Because
arby: He die he does. It's like an it's like this. There's no there's no doubt in my mind. god.
Michael: Yeah. It's he's one of these skinny I'm I'm telling you, the skinnier the guy, the bigger it is. We talked about this before. 'Cause I'm I'm always like whenever I see a little skinny g gay
arby: He he is a tree trunk. Tree trunk dick.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
Michael: guy I'm like, that thing is huge and whenever he gets a boner he passes out 'cause all the blood goes down there.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
arby: He has a vagal response from getting a boner.
Michael: This is what I think.
Lauren Lowder: okay, between Timothy and Tom, who is more likely to poop in a public restroom and leave it absolutely destroyed?
Michael: Timothy Charme, easy.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, Tom cares too much.
Michael: Mm, yeah. He's putting Tom's putting down toilet
arby: Tom
Michael: paper on the seat. Timothy Chalamet is standing on top of that seat. Squatting.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
arby: Yeah. And he's problem.
Lauren Lowder: Ass ass angled towards the wall.
Michael: Yeah, like this do not do this stickers.
arby: Yeah, Tom.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Tom takes probiotics and fiber every day, so he's great. He's got regular he's eliminating
Michael: And he's also bringing poopery with him everywhere he goes.
arby: well. Timothy is you know, he's all over the place. He he has a like a pocket full of lactate pills that he always forgets to take.
Lauren Lowder: He's always having cow paddy dumps. Just
Michael: He's painting.
Lauren Lowder: cow patty ploppers into the toilet. Always. He's got issues. He's got issue issues.
Michael: Okay, next one.
Lauren Lowder: Alright, last one, let's see. who's more likely Ugh see, hold on. Who would be worst sorry, who would be who would be the worst to be stuck in an elevator with?
Michael: Yeah, he wouldn't stop talking.
Lauren Lowder: About himself.
arby: I think he would have all of these
Michael: Yeah.
arby: solutions h in his brain that would just be spewing all over the s the space, none of which were ac w are actual solutions to the problem.
Michael: Also he would just start rapping and then he would start doing Yeah,
Lauren Lowder: In the corner.
Michael: and then he would start what's that crumping, breakdancing, hitting you in the face with his sh feet. yeah. He would hit
arby: And he
Lauren Lowder: His toe his long toe.
Michael: all the buttons on the on the thing just to get something to work.
arby: Make it worse. And he would establish a pea corner.
Michael: He would hit the call emergency button and the person would be so annoyed by them that they would just leave on the other end.
Lauren Lowder: They would snip the wires and let the thing fall.
Michael: yeah. Tom Holland would
arby: No, he would drop his pants and he would
Michael: Go ahead.
arby: No.
Michael: Tom Holland would use his spider skills, spidey skills, and like
arby: Mm.
Michael: get them out with that
Lauren Lowder: Mhm.
Michael: the web.
Lauren Lowder: And it would just be such a calming presence, I think.
arby: Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Cool.
arby: Except he would he would he would get a little nervous and let a toot out and it would be it would be really stinky and he would be really embarrassed about it and he would profusely apologize.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. His farts smell like you someone opened a bag of potato chips, I think. Where it's not like sulfuric.
arby: That's so no, that's so accurate. It's like just a bag of Middlesworth barbecue chips got popped in the elevator. That's what it It's
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: like not bad, but you're not mat like you're a little like, what's that? It's Yeah
Lauren Lowder: stinky, yeah. But Timothy, yeah, it's like you're clawing at the corners.
arby: Small animals die within seconds.
Michael: That's nasty.
arby: Ha ha ha.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, exactly. Cool. Alright.
arby: Okay. Wow, that was fun.
Lauren Lowder: That was fun. That was really fun. I think I think we did really good. And I'm curious to see what other people think of our answers and if they agree or disagree.
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Well, on that note, anything else we want to talk about before we wrap up?
arby: Mm.
Michael: Nope.
Lauren Lowder: Okay. Michael's reached his limit.
Michael: I nearly have. I'm going away this week
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha.
Michael: this weekend for like fourteen days and my mom is on the loose in Paris and I'm looking at my fun my friends to see where she is every three seconds. So
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Where are you going again? Are you going to Paris with her or no? Where are you going?
arby: Why?
Michael: no, I'm I'm going to the south of France while she's
Lauren Lowder: that's right.
Michael: in Paris and then we go from Paris to Tunisia for a wedding. And then we're back here, but we're doing for like twelve days or something. I don't know, 'cause I worry about my mom. She's like whenever we go away on vacation, just the two of us, she's always like I told you, like a golden retriever with a credit card. She's just along for the ride and doesn't pay attention to much. And I do all the navigating and stuff, and now she has to do the navigating and I'm like, my god, she's gonna end up in like
arby: Is she by herself?
Michael: No, she's with her friend Debbie.
arby: They're fine.
Michael: and I think The two of them will be fine. They'll be able to like double check each other.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: So although my mom did g she
arby: and are you travelling with Joe?
Michael: got outside the sorry?
arby: Are you traveling with Joe this whole trip? Okay.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. but I was I hugged her at the train station. I was like, All right, see you later And I was like, I'm sure she'll be good. And then she got to the train station, she's like, Should we get a a taxi or get an Uber? And I'm like, my god. I was like, I don't I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Lauren Lowder: God, yeah.
Michael: but she ended up getting a taxi. and I followed her little bubble the whole way to her hotel, so she did make it.
arby: Good.
Lauren Lowder: Wait, she only took a train? Where when she landed when she
Michael: Yeah, you can take the Eurost she was in London for the this past week and then she took the Eurostar, which is a train to to France. It goes under the English channel.
Lauren Lowder: Amazing.
Michael: It goes like a hundred and sixty miles an hour.
arby: How long of a train ride is that?
Michael: Like two hours fifteen minutes or something?
Lauren Lowder: that's not bad at all.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Mm, it's really good. And then you have to like you don't have to go to an airport or anything like that. It's great.
Lauren Lowder: that's amazing.
arby: Okay, well let's
Michael: Faberus.
arby: let's plan
Michael: Yeah.
arby: that trip together 'cause I wanna do that. Celine Dion,
Lauren Lowder: Let's do that.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: Seline Dion.
Michael: Steline Dion. Okay. Yeah. They're
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. All right.
Michael: there now actually, and she's there now, so
arby: I know. I need
Michael: Lucky.
arby: to get there.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, let's do that. All
arby: Okay.
Lauren Lowder: right, well let's call it a day. And
Michael: All right.
Lauren Lowder: we will be here same time, same place next week. And thanks for hanging out with us. Go follow us on all of our socials and we will see you next time.
Michael: Bye.
arby: No.
Michael: You're still in Colorado? you
arby: Yeah. Yeah.
Michael: have your your paintings gone or something.
arby: Yeah. Take just taking things down, putting it putting them deconstructing the home, you know, it doesn't feel like a house anymore.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, it probably feels
Michael: Are you
Lauren Lowder: really naked.
arby: It feels really sad and lifeless.
Michael: this house just ain't a home anymore. See,
arby: It's not
Michael: last summer before you girls came here, we moved upstairs and we were we lived in the d the downstairs flat for so long, like five years. We were so sad, like packing everything up. But once we were out of it, we were like and even though we like have to literally walk by our door every day to get to our new door and like walk past, you know, see the outside of the flat, whatever, I was just like, That old flat is not our home anymore. Like it didn't feel like I
arby: Yeah.
Michael: didn't it was w it was weird. Like it wasn't weird going past it 'cause I like, it that is not ours. So, I don't know.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
arby: Right. Yeah. You don't realize how quickly you can make a space your home once you're
Michael: Seriously, what's it's where your shit is, I think.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
arby: Yeah. And just like how you Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Home is where the shit is.
arby: Just where you're
Lauren Lowder: Home is where your shit is. Yeah, we drive by our old our
arby: Yeah. So
Lauren Lowder: old house sometimes and we feel the same way.
Michael: In Hershey?
Lauren Lowder: In in Winston, in North Carolina.
Michael: yeah. It's like mm, there it is. It's like someone else's now. It's like not it doesn't look like you're it's like weird.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Yeah, we actually just
Michael: Yeah.
arby: this just this morning, just before I hopped on, we Todd and I co signed our lease, our tenant signed last night. So it was really yes, it's the couple that
Michael: was it the couple you w was it the couple you wanted?
Lauren Lowder: Wow.
arby: we wanted. So it's so strange to me to think that You know, their move in date is the first in the first week of October. And a month from now, a month and a couple of days from now, this like this I'm sitting in my room, like this will not be my room anymore, and that is so weird. There's just gonna be two freaks just fucking in here.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Yeah.
Michael: Yep. There's gonna you're gonna come back and there's gonna be like a bunch of like when they move out there's gonna be like a bunch of like b bolt holes in the ceiling and I don't know, like
arby: Yeah it's
Lauren Lowder: Bolts.
Michael: burn marks in the rug and you'll be like, What what do you guys do in here?
arby: What the hell went on here? Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
Michael: You'll have to get like like those s anti Satan people to come around and Yeah.
arby: yeah. That
Lauren Lowder: Sage you'll have to sage the
arby: w we'll need
Lauren Lowder: house for sure.
arby: to get it fumigated and exercised after they move out. They do. Which is so funny. It's like
Michael: But you said they look super normal, right? Well that means they're probably fucking freaks.
arby: they came to my house, they both had such a great like aura about them, so friendly, great eye contact, great handshakes, and then they come into this home and just destroy it.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
Michael: That's likely to be honest.
arby: Like like like rabies ridden raccoons.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Scratch marks all over the walls. Yeah. Have you is this your first time renting Abbey to anyone? Being a first time landlord?
arby: Yeah, we've never this is our we are first time landlords, yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Or be the landlord.
arby: that's my landlord name. I signed Arby. Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Did you sign it, Arby? Okay. Nice. No
Michael: It's where the beef
Lauren Lowder: last name, like share.
Michael: is. Like sure.
arby: It's kind of like a you know, like a alter ego. Like my landlord alter ego is Arby.
Lauren Lowder: Right. You're really stepping into that role with that new name.
arby: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: It's just a whole different identity.
Michael: What is what is Arby's thing? Arby's. We got the be it's a we got the beef.
arby: We we have the meats.
Lauren Lowder: We have the meats, good job. Yeah,
Michael: No. Meats.
Lauren Lowder: yeah.
arby: Yes, meats. Yes, we have the meats.
Michael: But they just have one type of meat. It's roast beef. There's no chicken, there's no be it's just one type of meat. Meats.
arby: I would venture to say it's
Lauren Lowder: I think
arby: mystery meat, all it's just a bunch of mystery meats.
Michael: I'm here for that. I like that.
Lauren Lowder: They've got a lot of I think they've got a lot of meats. I think they've got at least two.
Michael: You where I got a lot of meats? In my pants!
Lauren Lowder: In your jeans?
arby: Tell us Would never have guessed.
Lauren Lowder: In your white jeans.
Michael: Yep. well, I hope that goes well for you. Did you like how did you find a contract that you wanted to use?
arby: we got advice, you know, we got some templates from people that are landlords and then we used AI to create our our own version, basically.
Michael: Okay, that's good.
Lauren Lowder: Did you go to that landlord's anonymous meeting last week that I sent you the link to?
arby: I think actually I think Todd went. I didn't I couldn't make it. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Okay. okay. And that's where he
Michael: Didn't
Lauren Lowder: got the the contracts.
arby: Yeah, that's where we got our lease
Michael: And the crabs.
arby: agreements. Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: Yeah, whatever we could do to be slumlords as as quickly and efficiently as possible, that's that's the goal.
Michael: Yeah, you need to
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: sectionate that house. I think that
arby: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Michael: means you like it's like a government housing thing. But
arby: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Michael: it gives that vibe.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Mm hmm. It
arby: My house does give section eight.
Lauren Lowder: does the interior, definitely.
Michael: Yeah. D did you take off are you gonna take off all your live laugh love decals that you have all over the house and like this house is a home?
arby: No, we're gonna leave those up. We're gonna leave those up because we wanna make sure everyone knows that this is a place where you come to live, laugh and love.
Michael: Okay.
arby: And you know.
Lauren Lowder: Well, and it's hard to peel that off drywall, the stickers.
arby: Exactly. We'll
Michael: It brings the whole wall with it.
arby: have to paint repaint the whole house if I take them all down.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Right. And it's just like paint over you can see the outline of Live Laugh Love still on the wall.
Michael: Ha ha ha.
arby: Yeah. Yeah, we have to take the rooster wallpaper down out of the kitchen. The two or the very large life size fork and spoon that's hanging in the kitchen.
Lauren Lowder: Yes. And the jarred
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: like olives and the yeah, I know exactly. Yeah.
arby: Yeah, the basis of of dried accoutrement.
Lauren Lowder: Right.
Michael: I yeah. Make what about your pupori? Are you packing the potpourri?
arby: So much potpourri everywhere. Just bags, bowls, vases, you name it, we've got potpourri in it.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: that sounds good. Shit, I had something to say.
arby: Wait, guys, one time one time when I was in junior high, my friend came over after school. My
Lauren Lowder: Squirrel.
arby: friend my friend came over after school. My mom had a bowl of potpourri sitting out on one of the tables as a a decorative and nice smelling thing. And she goes really, really, really enthusiastically, eyes are bugging out of her head, grin on her face. She says
Michael: Thought it was a snack.
arby: she said, craisins, I love your mom. And she reached for the for the bowl of potpourri and put a put like one of the things in her potpourri things in her mouth. Thought it was craisins.
Michael: my god.
Lauren Lowder: And she's no longer with us.
arby: Yeah, she spit it out really fast. I was like, Ym mm yeah, not crazins. those are that's potpourri.
Michael: Yeah. She God only knows what else she'd stick in her mouth randomly. I'm not even trying to make that sexual. I'm just thinking like things that she w might j just think are random, you know, food and they're not.
arby: Isn't isn't that really funny though that she thought my mom's potpourri was a bowl of craisins?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. But when I picture potpourri, I picture like dried flowers and
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: shaves of bark. Like
arby: I know I
Michael: Was she attention seeking this girl? Because that sounds like kind of attention seeking energy. No.
arby: I don't think that she did it was just me and her. Well there was no one to make a scene for. anyway. Yeah, so
Lauren Lowder: Did they look like craisins? Were they little
arby: I r I'm thinking I'm vaguely remembering, but you know like the little red like
Michael: I know, like the berry looking things. Yeah. I think I can picture this.
arby: Yeah, exactly. You know, she went down
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
arby: to Rhodes Pharmacy and got herself a nice bag of potpourri.
Lauren Lowder: Hm. Of course. Rhodes Pharmacy's not there
Michael: Hey Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: anymore.
Michael: nope, it's not a toy shop.
arby: Sad.
Michael: this reminds me of a qu
arby: Yeah.
Michael: of a time a very similar thing happened with me. I was walking with my old roommate Tess and we were walking down Bond Street and so the street in it's a street in London. It's similar to like like Fifth Avenue. It's like all like the like proddy Gucci proddy. Pratty Gucci Fendi.
arby: Pratty, yeah. It's pratty.
Michael: all of these types of stores, on this one street. it's like the Fifth Avenue of London. but anyways, I was walking down and there was this woman standing I think she ha I thought she had an apron on, but she had an apron on standing with a silver platter and in the silver platter w on the silver platter were all these like little cupcake holders and in the cupcake, like, you know, what do you call those? The cupcake wrapper liner.
Lauren Lowder: Liner? Yeah.
Michael: were these like little
Lauren Lowder: Panty liner?
Michael: colorful yeah were these little colorful cubes and I was like mmm I was like I'll take one of these and I'm like it's a can it's it's a candy. So I throw it in my mouth and I start chewing it. I'm like, my God. Like this is soap. Like this is soap. And immediately guys it was so you know the whole like I'll wash your mouth out with soap. I was like that what it what's that gonna do? That would stop me. It was disgusting and I went and bought a bottle of water from like a hot dog kind of stand and I was just gargling and like swishing and spitting and it looked like I had rabies 'cause I was just like throwing up or like spitting out suds. Suds. On this fancy street
Lauren Lowder: All the bubbles. Mm.
Michael: where people pulling up and like the Rolls Royce and I'm like spitting bubbles.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
Michael: What are you looking at? but yeah, it was so embarrassing.
Lauren Lowder: Soap embarrassing.
Michael: Soap embarrassing.
Lauren Lowder: God, that's nasty. That's real nasty.
arby: I never had to have my mouth washed out with soap.
Michael: You mean growing up?
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Is that a thing peop people actually did? Like people do that? You mean like our grandparents or like
arby: Yeah. Yeah, my mom would threaten it, but she
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, people did.
arby: My mom used to threaten
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: it.
Lauren Lowder: Same with us. I don't know if it ever happened though.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: I just don't understand the logistics of doing that with your child. Like I can see smacking your kid's ass. Like I can picture that.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: But I cannot picture like opening the mouth. P how does it get
arby: It was always a bar of soap. Yeah.
Michael: so do you squeeze is it is it liquid? Is it I don't know.
arby: You know, haven't you ever seen a Christmas story where they put the bar of red soap in in Ralphie's mouth?
Michael: But that sounds like it's that sounds wrong. Well yeah, it sounds like child abuse.
Lauren Lowder: Torturous. Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah, it's bad.
Michael: I mean I'm don't cancel me. I understand slapping your kid's ass or something. But but
Lauren Lowder: Slapping your kid around.
Michael: d don't shove any
arby: The soap the soap.
Michael: unwarranted objects in their mouth. I think that's weird.
arby: When we were when we were doing our road trip from Pennsylvania to Colorado, we stopped at the Christmas story house in Ohio, 'cause it's now a museum
Lauren Lowder: Cool.
arby: that you can go in. It's kind of set up how it was in the movie. And they had the bar of red soap on the little i you know, like thing in the bathroom. Yes.
Lauren Lowder: Display case. yeah. Yeah yeah.
arby: No, it was just sitting. Just the bar of soap was just sitting out for anyone to grab. And Todd grabbed a bar of soap and put it in his mouth.
Lauren Lowder: So did thirty million people before him.
arby: E yeah, exactly. And that's gross.
Lauren Lowder: Ooh
Michael: What where did he grab a bar of soap?
Lauren Lowder: At this museum, the Christmas house story museum.
arby: huh.
Michael: But where where w where was was the soap like for public use?
Lauren Lowder: It was at the sink. Yeah, it that's interesting.
arby: So I tried a menstrual cup for the first time in my life last night.
Lauren Lowder: Tell us everything, don't leave anything out.
arby: Michael gagged. Do you know what a menstrual cup is, honey?
Michael: Did you fill it up to the tippy top? I do know what it is. Yeah, I do.
arby: Well, so here's the thing. I am having an issue where I think they must have turned CERN back on because I haven't but I didn't
Lauren Lowder: That's what happened. That had to be.
arby: I didn't I wasn't able to release shed my
Michael: At least the egg.
arby: uterine lining for a couple months and now I'm hemorrhaging my uterine lining. So It's bad. I need diapers. Anyway, so I went and got the menstrual cup, but I what I didn't know and didn't realize when I was purchasing it, that there are two different sizes. There's like size one and size two. Size one is for women who have not bore children. Size two is supposed to be for women who've had children. because they have, you know, a wide set vagina.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
Michael: That's why you walk the way you walk.
arby: And yeah. I accidentally bought size two.
Lauren Lowder: Bow legged.
arby: And so I brought it home and I looked at that thing and was like, How in the hell is this gonna go up there? I don't know. long story short, I ended up f shoving it up there and
Michael: On a scale of thimble to shot glass, what's it like?
arby: my god. It's like
Lauren Lowder: Closer to shot glass, right?
arby: it's I would say it's almost exactly
Michael: Bigger than chalk class.
arby: like a shot glass. I think it's pretty close to exact the exact size of a shot glass. Yeah. I know. But it's like th it's thin, flexible, medical grade silicone. So it it's f it's flexible and it folds. But so this morning, I you know, I wore it all night. It actually works really well. I was very impressed. This morning I went to take it out and I was really nervous to take it out because I thought, well, what if it's full? Like, how does it come out? Does it all just explode? Does it explode like a firework when you take it out? I don't I do I should
Michael: Sorry, you sleep with it in. What if you get toxic shock syndrome?
Lauren Lowder: Like a popper.
arby: I yes. Like a birthday pop or I'm
Michael: Like one of those
arby: like I'm like, do
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
arby: I need to be laying a towel down and out? Should I have prote
Lauren Lowder: Some people do it in the shower, yeah. Yeah.
Michael: Cer yeah, certainly you would do this over straddling a toilet
arby: Right.
Michael: or something.
arby: Yes. Yes, but then I thought, well what if I drop it and it falls into the toilet? I I don't know, there was just a lot of there was a lot of things
Michael: Drop it like it's hot, then you can fish it out.
arby: there was a lot of things to think about. I was just I don't know. Also the little hook thing that hangs out of you so that you can pull it out, was not long enough unless I have a really deep vahen
Michael: You do.
arby: and it I was like having to reach all the way up in me to pull it out.
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: God, I'd be freakin'. I'd be freakin'.
arby: Anyway, so I go to pull it out
Michael: Freakin' Deacon.
arby: and I'm slowly trying to pull it out and I'm like, I don't like
Michael: Mm-hmm.
arby: how this feels. It's strange. But it's probably the closest thing I'll ever to feel giving no, giving birth
Michael: Orgasm.
arby: to anything. Cause it I mean I felt like this it was this big coming out. It
Lauren Lowder: my god.
arby: it just felt really big. But it but it came out and I'll be honest, that thing works really well. No spill. caught everything really well.
Michael: Did it flick your bean on the way out?
Lauren Lowder: You have to pay extra for that.
arby: Yeah, I didn't I did not.
Michael: You pull it out and at the end you're like Ooh
Lauren Lowder: When she poured it into the toilet, it sounded like she was emptying a two-liter into the toilet.
Michael: Ha!
arby: Glug glug glug glug glug glug. No, I actually
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
arby: felt a little lightheaded when I emptied it. I was like
Michael: my that's because you're losing
Lauren Lowder: yeah.
Michael: so much blood.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, she
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: yeah.
arby: Anyway, but when I pulled
Michael: my lord.
arby: it out it went like this
Lauren Lowder: No. Did it really Did it really make a sound?
arby: It kinda I swear to god it kind of did because it suctions to the inside walls. So
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Right.
arby: it did kind of make like a c noise when I took it out. I don't know. But you know what?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Right. Unbelievable.
arby: That thing, if it works like that, I'm really happy with it. It's gonna save me a lot of money and products.
Lauren Lowder: God, yeah.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Is it in it is it like it's just as healthy, right?
arby: Yeah, I think it's healthier than than shoving the the chem chemical ridden
Lauren Lowder: Lead soaked tampons, yeah.
arby: tampons up your
Michael: How do you clean this thing? Like spray some Windex on it or something?
Lauren Lowder: Two.
Michael: No.
arby: yeah, no, I I think you're just supposed to just boil it in hot water for a few minutes and let it dry.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Or you could put it like maybe I think dishwasher's supposed to sterilize things. You could probably just put it in your dishwasher, like on your cutlery rack thing.
arby: Totally. Yeah. Yeah, with the rest of our forks and knives and spoons.
Michael: If they if they could talk, they'd be like, What are you doing here?
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha.
arby: Yeah. We know where you were last night.
Lauren Lowder: Ha
Michael: And the wooden spoons are like, I know where you've been. I know where you've been. That's maybe making a joke that you used to use a wooden spoon as a Huh? Smell like pennies.
arby: They're like you stink. You smell like pennies. You smell like pennies. Why does it smell like pennies in the dishwasher? You That's not marinara sauce.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: I'm so glad don't have these problems. Have your boyfri you you don't have boyfriends. Why don't we just stop saying husbands and just c start calling all of our partners boyfriends? I think it's more natural. enough
arby: They're yeah, our boyfriends.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: of this faux love that you have. has anybody ever had to fish anything out of you?
Lauren Lowder: Almost a turd. Almost a turred
Michael: No.
Lauren Lowder: once. Almost. I almost panic called him to come give me a hook and scoop one day. I was in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, I'll never forget it.
arby: Forget it either. So
Lauren Lowder: Did I tell you that story, Michael?
Michael: They're
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, it's really good.
Michael: But there is just no situation where you'd have to do that. Like you could just take
arby: It's important. Well
Michael: a stool softener or a laxative and wait to the next day.
Lauren Lowder: No, I have
arby: Mm mm.
Lauren Lowder: I that's I did do those things. So here is the thing. I was peak gut issues. I if you know anything about me, you know this girl's got some gut issues. And one year, one summer, we traveled up to Pennsylvania and we did Hershey Park and we did all the things, whatever. I think it was twenty twenty one. And I had a really bad bout of constipation that week. And when your when I When I'm constipated, sometimes it's like you push, push, push, push, and then it compacts the turd down at the asshole, and all you do is like kind of chisel it off. So
Michael: No.
Lauren Lowder: what happens is you're pushing, pushing, pushing every time you're trying to go to the bathroom to where you f basically at the base of your ass form a mega turd, right? Because you're just
Michael: The Megalodon.
Lauren Lowder: you're you're just forcing it each time and can only chisel out a tiny bit each time with your sphincter. So what had happened was I had reached peak megalodon at this trip
Michael: I'm embarrassed.
Lauren Lowder: and I had drank like Sena, is it senna tea? What's the one that just makes you have to go?
arby: Yes, sanity, yes.
Lauren Lowder: I had drank senna tea. I was doing all the things to keep myself going and to sought like to keep it going. And I f I finally had the urge to go. And so I ran to this Airbnb bathroom and sat down and it This you talk about knowing what
Michael: Bless the toilet.
Lauren Lowder: it's you know what it's you're talking about, Abby, knowing what it's like to give birth. This situation allowed me to understand the process of giving birth.
Michael: The rip the rippage.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. And I felt the need to push. So it's like, I think I have to push and I'm contracting. And so I pushed, and as I'm pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, it's like nothing's coming, but I can my body can feel how thick and dense this thing is at my the base of my colon. So I am pushing. I'm starting to stretch, rip. I can feel how big it is. And I'm like, I'm panicking to where I'm like almost yelling for Gabriel like I might need you in here because I can't pass this.
Michael: Gotta pass out.
Lauren Lowder: I can't pass it on my own. So I'm not even kidding. Like 20 minutes go by of me pushing and r resting, pushing, resting. Finally this thing My asshole stretches to compac to capacity and as soon as it passes, it's like and my butthole just like kind of goes back to normal. But it it was like I pa it was like passing a tennis ball through through my asshole.
arby: Basketball.
Lauren Lowder: And it was like after it came out, my butthole just went like, you know, just kind of like kind of like a all the elasticity was gone. And I looked in the toilet and it really was the size of a tennis ball and there was It was it was a scene. It was a murder scene in there. And I was like, I'll never walk right after this.
Michael: I gotta go.
Lauren Lowder: It was really bad. It was so traumatic. It was so traumatic. Michael, you've
arby: Did you almost
Lauren Lowder: never had a weird poop like that?
Michael: Of course, but I like get it out. Like somehow my body is like I get like I don't sit there and push and squeeze and I I just
Lauren Lowder: Has it been as big as a tennis ball?
Michael: yes, yes. I look down there I look down there sometimes and thought I could be a pass around party bottom.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: And I won't even get into what that means. But yeah, I am telling you it's the human body is incredible. Mm. Mm. Well you can overcome.
Lauren Lowder: Like constipation wise? Like it's from constipation, you have a compacted
Michael: It's incredible. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Well, that doesn't happen often to me, thank God. But it was traumatic.
Michael: Well, yeah. Like w one time I was going and I was like, This thing needs more time to 'cause for the pills to work. and I waited the next day and it really worked out well, so
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, I looked at the toilet at mine and was like, should I do skin to skin? What do I do with this? Like
Michael: What does that mean?
Lauren Lowder: after you give birth after you give birth your baby should lay on you.
Michael: you put it on here.
arby: Put it put it
Michael: Girls. We need to stop. People are gonna think we're weird.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: God forbid, God forbid they think we're weird.
Lauren Lowder: That's the goal. That's the goal.
arby: That was so funny. Do you think it wants formula?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Lauren Lowder: It's not latching.
arby: I milk.
Michael: It needs its its tongue snipped.
Lauren Lowder: Something's wrong.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: It needs circumcised
arby: Holy shit. Hang on guys, really quick, is my camera too far away? Am I too far away, Lauren?
Lauren Lowder: Maybe a little, yeah.
Michael: Guys, you know what song I heard Kelly Clarkson you know how I'm obsessed with Kelly Clarkson doing other people's like covers other people's songs.
Lauren Lowder: No, I didn't know this about you.
arby: I didn't know either.
Michael: really? Every Thanksgiving Joe forces me to go ro us our our friends to go around the table and say something that we're thankful for. And every year I say I'm thankful once again thankful for Kelly Clarkson's covers of other people's songs that she's done. Because they're just
arby: Stop it.
Michael: so good. But the one she came out with recently is I think it's like a K-pop song. You know, it's like now I I don't know the words. But also sing the words that I think it's now I'm burning like I'm swerning like a butterbee. It's
Lauren Lowder: Those are the words.
Michael: like going up up up and that one, my lord.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: She can sing anything. She's amazing.
arby: yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: She can sing anything, yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: That is a fact about
Michael: I if I were s if I were a singer and I wrote a banger, I would hate to think what Kelly Clarkson's gonna do with it.
arby: Right.
Michael: Damn. She's gonna
Lauren Lowder: She's gonna make it better. Yeah.
Michael: make it better. Yeah.
arby: She got those pipes.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I was worried when she went on the Ozempic that she would somehow lose her like ability to sing. 'Cause I don't know, I feel like bigger girls can no, look at Oriana Grande. She's Like a stick and she can really blast out. Yeah yeah. She does not look good. sh or she does not look healthy. How's that? But
Lauren Lowder: that's that's that's a crisis. That's yeah, that's a medical that's a medical issue. Yeah. Yeah.
Michael: no, Kelly Clarkson, she's doing the ozem picking thing, I believe, and she is a good I think a healthy weight, whatever, and but she can still sing, so that's great.
Lauren Lowder: Good for her.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Lauren Lowder: Good for her.
arby: But when her and Ariana sing together, which they have a few times, it's
Michael: I've seen that too.
arby: it's so good, yeah. Those two are they're belters.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Mm.
Michael: Muzz, have you are you not familiar with these videos?
Lauren Lowder: Familiar with what?
Michael: Th what we're talking about? Like rehearsing other people's songs and this Ariana Grande and Kelly Clarkson video?
Lauren Lowder: I feel like I could have seen a clip from it. But I don't know if I've I'm as you know, knowledgeable about it as you.
Michael: y you need to familiarize with yourself with that. There's also a great video, I think it must have been over COVID because people in the audience were wearing masks, but between the weekend, and Ariana Grande they sing that song that they have together and she hits this like Mariah Carey dog whistle high n note and I'm like, wow. Incredible. Encreable.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Mm hmm. That is incredible.
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: So today we're gonna play a game called Famous Face Off, and here's how it works. We are locking two famous people into a hypothetical room and running them through a gauntlet of who is more likely to scenarios. Who would like to start today?
Michael: I feel like Okay.
arby: Okay, so I I'll start. I have I am choosing two very well known actors. Leonardo DiCaprio is going up against Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
Michael: Two middle aged hotties.
arby: and correct. Yeah, I think they they they're in the same kind of wheelhouse together.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. One's head is much bigger though. One's head is much
Michael: They're the type that like
Lauren Lowder: bigger.
Michael: I feel like they're the they're the age
arby: yes, balloon. Blimphead.
Michael: of guys who you would wanna bang and your moms would want to bang.
Lauren Lowder: Ha
arby: Yeah, that's right. They're they teeter that line. Yeah.
Michael: Right? Yeah.
arby: I agree. Okay, so we've got Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey. And the first the first question that I have or what if scenario is who who of the two is more likely to initiate sex with really bad breath?
Lauren Lowder: They have really
Michael: I
Lauren Lowder: bad breath or they're initiating sex with someone with bad breath.
arby: They have really bad breath. Like they're like no, like Leo, let's say, hypothetically speaking, you're hooking up with Leonardo DiCaprio, w one hour of the day, and then the next hour of the day you're hooking up with Matthew McConaughey and one of them is pursuing you and breathing really hot, stinky breath on you. Which one's more likely to? Really?
Lauren Lowder: Leo, hundred percent. Hundred percent.
Michael: Well, I have mm, I don't know. I think that Leonardo DiCaprio is sleazyer. Like he just kinda gives me man whore vibes who like goes out and bangs twenty one year olds, which is I respect. But I think that Matthew McConaughey's kind of like a hippie. And I feel like he if he has toothpaste around great and if he doesn't, that's okay too. So
Lauren Lowder: Matthew McConaughey
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: is so much more aware, I think, of himself, how he presents in the world. He would never initiate sex with stinky breath. I would die on that.
arby: Mm.
Michael: Okay.
Lauren Lowder: But that's just me. That's me. I that's my you know, I I'm not Jesus here, so
arby: No, it it's it's funny 'cause I can picture Matthew walking up off of you know, or walking out of a barn covered in horse manure and dirty jeans and feet and breathing down my neck with
Michael: Exactly. It's gonna stink.
arby: horse hay breath.
Michael: Exactly.
Lauren Lowder: Have you guys read Matthew McConaughey's autobiography? I think that you would
arby: No. No I haven't, but I heard I've heard
Michael: Have you?
Lauren Lowder: answer this differently if you had read if you read it if you read it.
arby: I I mean, I it's just what I it's just how my where my brain takes me.
Lauren Lowder: It's going off vibes. I d I love that. You're going off vibes. I do love that.
arby: But also Leo, I think Leo would his breath would be very
Michael: He smells like he looks like a walking cigarette tray.
arby: It w he would be s he would be s very smoky.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: and but also I wanna say he would just reek of brandy. I guess I'm really going Titanic here.
Michael: He'd be walking around with his pen and paper or whatever his that he drew with.
arby: Yeah, just doing sketches.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Yeah, no, I don't know. I I think that I'd be more icked by Matthew than I would be Leo. And I think that's just a personal preference.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, I respect that. Is there a dog panting?
arby: Even if No, I think this is shaking, sorry.
Michael: That's her cup make it's that's her cup going
arby: It's my menstrual cup. Why is it doing that? Okay, so moving on. of the two, do you think Leonardo DiCaprio or Matthew McConaughey would re would report you to HR after you microwave fish in the break room? The shared break room.
Lauren Lowder: I think Matthew McConaughey's gonna be more pissed about that.
Michael: Yeah, again just because I think Leonardo DiCaprio's gross. And he probably like lives in a fr house that looks like a frat house. So I think that it
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: would be Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. I think Matthew would be more on the lookout for everybody else and s and and be pissed about that and kind of stand up for the for the for his coworkers.
Michael: Yeah. I feel like he also like Matthew McConaughe McConaughey lives in a airstream but it's like very clean. So like he would he
arby: Okay.
Michael: would know how to take care of a microwave.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: I think Matthew would walk in and be like, who's got the salmon? And
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: Ha ha ha.
arby: who's willing to share? I can't do his accent. But I think he would walk. All rattle rattle ratt. Yeah, no, he would
Michael: What is he th what's his like little catchphrase that he says? Not well, well, well. All right, all right, all right.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
arby: walk into the break room and say, all rattle rattle rattle
Michael: Or he'll say no no no
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah.
arby: it's rank.
Lauren Lowder: All right, what you got next?
arby: who is more likely is Leonardo DiCaprio or Matthew McConaughey more likely to have a wildly unkempt caveman bush?
Michael: easy. Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, I th I think he would have the bush.
Michael: He's a nature man. He's like outdoor yeah. But I also feel like
arby: Mm.
Michael: Matthew or what's his name?
arby: Leonardo.
Michael: yeah, he would have like a matted bush. 'Cause he's just there
Lauren Lowder: Or he's bald. I almost see Leo
arby: like it
Lauren Lowder: as bald. He shaves it bald.
Michael: Maybe
arby: no
Michael: maybe
arby: no, I don't like that.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, it's it's slick down there, like a seal.
arby: Like a wet
Michael: oop.
arby: seal head.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm. Yep. All right, what you got next?
arby: All right. So you go out to dinner with Leonardo DiCaprio, you go out to dinner with Matthew McConaughey. Which of the two is more likely to treat weight staff badly?
Michael: Leonardo DiCaprio. He
Lauren Lowder: Leo. Leo for sure.
Michael: is angry at life 'cause he never got his Oscar. And he's I think yeah. Again Matthew McConaughey is a man of the people. He lives in an airstream.
arby: Hmm. A clean, well well kept airstream.
Lauren Lowder: Yes. Leo is angry. You're right, Michael. Leo does give
Michael: Yeah. Mm.
Lauren Lowder: very bottled up anger.
Michael: I fear for the woman he dates. I feel like he I hope that they are safe.
arby: Yes. There's Oof. Ugh. Yeah. He's got that snap factor for sure. Yeah.
Michael: Hmm, big snap. Bend and snap.
arby: The bend and snap. Yeah. And then I was just gonna to piggyback off of that. It's like who makes the most modifications to their order and then sends it back when it doesn't come out exactly as requested.
Lauren Lowder: Matthew McConaughey would eat roadkill,
Michael: I would go Matthew McConaughey.
Lauren Lowder: so I would say Leo.
arby: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Lauren Lowder: Leo's gonna be more particular with that. He's got a bald butt. He doesn't even have pubic hair. I think he's more particular about that.
arby: Yeah. Right. If the raisins c don't come out on the side, then he's sending it back. And he's flipping the table along with it.
Lauren Lowder: Exactly. Exactly.
Michael: What th what he order that would have raisins
arby: Mm-hmm.
Michael: on the side?
arby: Great question. Everybody and here's the thing. But here's the thing is is the dish didn't
Lauren Lowder: Chicken salad. He's gonna pick all the raisin Oatmeal raisin cookies.
Michael: You should say dressing on the side. You could have said any anything.
arby: the the dish didn't have the dish didn't have raisins in it, but he specifically asked for them and yes,
Lauren Lowder: A bowl of raisins, yeah.
arby: and they and he they didn't come out on the side like he requested.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Can I have the b the lasagna and could I have a b side of raisins?
arby: With the side of golden raisins.
Lauren Lowder: But the raisins on the side.
arby: And they have to be golden. If they're not golden, I send it back and flip the table.
Lauren Lowder: Exactly. Yeah.
Michael: Mm. I love raisins. I tried talking about keep hold on.
arby: Yeah, and then last but not last new
Michael: Talking about trying to keep myself regular. I thought, hmm, raisins will help, but apparently they're not a big helper of keeping people regular.
arby: No, you have to eat like whole prunes.
Michael: Yeah. I thought they were like mini prunes and I like, I'll just have a whole fuck ton of these.
Lauren Lowder: Prune juice.
arby: Raisins are grapes.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Drink prune juice.
arby: yeah, get yourself some prune juice. Do a prune juice anima.
Lauren Lowder: my god.
arby: That would stink. All right, last but not least, of the two, Leonardo DiCaprio up against Matthew McConaughey, who is more likely to have illicit drugs in their car?
Michael: Easy.
Lauren Lowder: Leo.
Michael: Leo. He does have them.
arby: He he does. And Yeah. He's got him.
Lauren Lowder: He has in his pocket, yeah. He's got b balloons of coke shoved up his ass.
arby: In every orifice, in every corner of every piece of anything he owns. The car, the clothes, the house.
Lauren Lowder: The line colo the walls are lined with coke. Yes.
arby: His butler even has Coke in his
Michael: Is a drug mule.
arby: ears. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: The drug puel.
Michael: An actual mule.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: speaking of Coke,
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
Michael: whenever I was talking about this last night, 'cause you know I never do drugs, I were going to our sec or sorry, our ninth and tenth wedding this upcoming weekend and the following weekend. and I was telling people about how when I my mom and her friend actually last night at dinner, more than just people, how I go out for the to these weddings and I always try to stay on you know, at the venue because between dinner and dancing I like to go back to where we're staying, take off my suit, lay down and like have a one hour nap and then I come back to the wedding all energized and jazzed up. And I think that people
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: think that I did like a line of coke somewhere but not even. I just took a nap.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: We just took a little nipper.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Mm.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Very roundabout w st way of telling you that I take naps at weddings, but and don't do cook, yeah.
arby: And don't do coke. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: And don't do cook. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Abs, are you done? That was wonderful. What great celebrities. Michael, do you want to go next? Who do you have for us
Michael: I'll go next.
Lauren Lowder: today?
Michael: So first off I will say this that I am so sad to hear about Dolly Parton dying. I literally
arby: I know.
Michael: can't like I feel like she was the last of the Mohicans. Like she was one person in the world who everyone could agree on was great. Like who can say one bad thing about her?
Lauren Lowder: Nobody.
Michael: so it's very sad that she's gone and she did a lot of nice things for a lot of people.
arby: Yeah, she did.
Michael: so I chose her and the one and maybe the only share. b both divas.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, great.
arby: Ooh, this is fun. Yes.
Michael: I love For similar but also different reasons.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: and let's go at this one. So who would be more likely to accidentally sleep with the wrong twin and only realize at breakfast?
Lauren Lowder: Share for sure.
arby: Dolly. no! I think Dolly Dolly Dolly
Michael: No. I think Dolly. Dolly always made herself sound up so made herself up to be a skank.
arby: She Dolly loved she loved to have she loved a romp. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, okay, you've swayed me. I I g I could I can
Michael: She did.
Lauren Lowder: yeah, I can get on board with that. I can get on board with that.
Michael: I think that I don't think that Cher is she's not a prude, but I don't think that she is I don't know
arby: Cher has super, super high standards and standards, and she also has a checklist, a very specific checklist that has that a person has to like abide by before she would decide to have any sexual relations with someone. Yes.
Michael: Or even talk to them. time I watched this episode. Well, do you know that I I used to love Regis and Kelly? It it turned into like Regis and or sorry, not Regis and Kelly. Kelly and Michael, Michael Strayhand, like the morning
Lauren Lowder: Mm, mm.
Michael: talk show. Sh
arby: Yeah, yeah. That's really funny, Michael.
Michael: I I love Kelly Ripa. Who doesn't love Kelly Rippa? She's a jersey girl, she's fun. Maybe she should be on this. No she's not. I love her. You don't like her?
arby: She's annoying as fuck. Are you serious? Okay.
Lauren Lowder: I'll message her. People a
arby: Nor
Lauren Lowder: lot of people that meet her in public only have bad things to say.
arby: I sh to
Michael: don't
arby: to me she reads as just an annoying gnat, you know, like
Michael: No, I think she's funny.
arby: Okay.
Lauren Lowder: Good.
Michael: Well anyways, I saw one time Dolly Parton was on their show and they had this it was like a scenario question kinda like this and they like, What's the first thing you do in the morning? And Dolly Parton was like, Well, get dressed, put on my clothes and walk home And then everybody laughed because she was, you know, trying to claim that she's like some skank who sleeps around. And I like, That's
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Michael: very funny. Even though she's not, I'm sure she would like never freaking cheat on her husband or do anything too
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
Michael: skinky. But she's not afraid to make a joke about it. So that's why I would say maybe her.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, I get that.
arby: I agree.
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: I get that.
Michael: you know, I think that I might have picked a hard one here because I feel like mm Dolly Parton can do no wrong and does everything perfectly, but I'll go with the second one. Are we ready to move on?
Lauren Lowder: Yes.
Michael: Who would be better at getting out of a speeding ticket by flirting with a police officer?
arby: Mm.
Lauren Lowder: Depends what the police officer's into. Cher gives more of like a dominant sex appeal, where
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Dolly gives more of like that bubbly, you know, s
arby: Southern charm.
Lauren Lowder: southern charm sex appeal. So it really depends on
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: what that cop is into.
Michael: But imagine like Dolly's boobs pushed up against a window. Like those would those first off the window would shatter.
Lauren Lowder: Ha
Michael: If it did but if it didn't shatter, imagine like how good those would look pushed up and what guy wouldn't like that besides me.
arby: Yeah, right. No, but you would like though, in the moment. You'd be like, Those are n yeah. Yeah.
Michael: I would. I would be a I would be a boob guy if I were on that team, yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Mm. I think Dolly would get out of it. I think she would.
arby: She just has that way about her, that the way like the look in her eye. She's got a twinkle in her eye. She's got a twinkle in her dimple.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: Even her teeth when she smiles, there's a twinkle there. It's like she's so charming. She's so endearing and innocent. And Cher, yeah, you'd have to be into some serious S and dominatrix shit to look at Cher and be like you're off the hook.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah. Cher would be putting that officer in handcuffs.
arby: Yeah, and he would like it. He would be like
Michael: Mm. The keys are in the ignition.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah.
arby: Right.
Michael: yeah. Okay. Let's go for
arby: my god, no. The the cop would be like, good girl, and she would kick him in the nut so hard and he'd be like, ma'am.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: okay, who would be more likely to wake up in Vegas married n to someone they met hours earlier? I think that Cher would do that. 'Cause I think Dolly Dolly's more picky. But we just said
arby: Mmm. I do think that Cher, I I was gonna say Cher. Well
Michael: Cher's picky.
arby: Yes, I'd when I think when it comes to Vegas Shh
Michael: And marriage.
arby: and marriage, Cher has more of that rough, gruff, you know, we're gonna go for a night on the town in Vegas and fuck shit up along the way. and anything
Lauren Lowder: And get married, maybe. Yeah, that's fair.
arby: goes. Whereas Dolly would is she's That's just not her s her style.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: but yeah, I I think Cher would rip her top off like and emerge from a limo down coming down the s like the Vegas strip and just be titties out
Lauren Lowder: Yeah yeah.
arby: Shimmy in and a shaken, and yeah, she ends up in the chapel with like a black goth vibe wedding. She wears a black leather
Michael: She would with fringes. Mm-hmm.
arby: Sex suit. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah. A girdle. Yeah, I think you really nailed that. I think you described that to a T.
Michael: likewise. Sorry, I'm just reading over mine. okay. Do you want to do another one?
arby: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Okay. who would be more convincing if they claimed they never sent a nude photo despite being photographic evidence?
Lauren Lowder: Who would be more convincing that they didn't do it? Dolly. She would sweet her way out of it. Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, like who would be like, I didn't do this but even though there's more Yeah. But also I feel like Share would you know, like this is scary today. Share might be more well, Share is also still alive, but Share might be more up on AI, I feel. because today you can like I feel like you can play like, like that's AI, that's not really me. And that's what
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
arby: Mm, mm.
Michael: I'd go for, and that's what's ac also quite scary in the world.
Lauren Lowder: Dolly was a really, really smart businesswoman though, so I could see her knowing the ins and outs of like the up and up of today today's world. And I just think she would s sweet potato pie her way out of it, you know.
Michael: It would r exactly. I think that she would a she was a charmer.
Lauren Lowder: Little old me? Yeah.
arby: But she would be like,
Michael: Mm hmm.
arby: honey, those ain't my nipples. My nipples are soft and buttery.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: Y you know what mine look like. I'll do one more.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: who would give better advice on how to fake being sober at a family dinner?
Lauren Lowder: Sure.
Michael: Cher is definitely she's crazier and probably always drunk. So she can probably or Or I don't know if she's drunk and high all the time, but sh Exactly. So I
Lauren Lowder: She's like, honey, I'm drunk right now.
Michael: feel like she would she's the obvious candidate, right?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: She would she would go she would take her long black hair from one side and go ho and she would heave
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: it over her side and say ho ho ho ho ho
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: and that would be it.
Michael: What if she just spoke what if she just spoke the entire dinner in that? Huh.
Lauren Lowder: Ha.
arby: Do you believe
Michael: And then she's like she's
arby: love alone?
Michael: And then like, she's tired. Yeah.
arby: Is that a share song? Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah. That was great. That's a good those are good ones, Michael. Really good. All right.
arby: Those are really good. Yeah, I love those.
Michael: Thanks. Thanks. I'm glad you liked my combination.
Lauren Lowder: That was a w that was a great
arby: It was a good one.
Lauren Lowder: combo. okay, this next face off is between Timothy Chalamet and Tom Holland.
Michael: Mm, Twink versus Twink, my fave.
Lauren Lowder: two of Hollywood's hottest twinks. Facing off. Okay.
arby: Twinks.
Lauren Lowder: okay.
Michael: Also, they're both very much rat faced. Do you know this do you know
arby: Yes.
Lauren Lowder: Very much so. Very much.
Michael: this rat fa like rat versus frog?
arby: No.
Michael: Really? Everybody fits into one of these two categories. Lauren, you are a rat.
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
Michael: Abbey you're a rat. I don't know why you're laughing. I am a f I'm a frog.
arby: Wait, you're either you're a rat
Lauren Lowder: Why are you a frog?
Michael: Casey's 'cause I have more frog energy. Yeah, I have lips.
arby: Y you do have more of a fro I get it, yeah. You're froggier.
Lauren Lowder: Like bigger features?
Michael: Yeah. Casey is a fr rat. Shelby is a frog. Your mom is a rat. Dad a frog.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Gabe is such a rat and I think that Todd is a frog.
arby: I actually agree
Lauren Lowder: Really?
arby: I actually agree with everything you just said.
Lauren Lowder: I don't see Gabriel's
Michael: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: a frog. What makes Gabriel a frog? Or sorry, you said a rat, a rat, you said a rat.
Michael: He is he has he has like a c more of a triangular face. Like he's more ratty. He's
arby: It's like face shape, yeah.
Michael: more ratty. Can you picture him eating
arby: Basically anybody that
Michael: or hopping? Or like what's
Lauren Lowder: No hopping. I see him more as a frog and Todd is a rat. Todd's face head shape gives more rat to me. I guess my frog rat dar is off.
Michael: You need to think about this when we hang up.
arby: I just think anybody that has more of like a pronounced chin or I don't know, like that that's like more rat. Frog a frog has a wider head and like more rounded lower b bottom.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: I'm definitely a rat.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, you've g you've given me a lot to think about.
Michael: Anyways, I I will put this out there. Who else knows about rat versus frog? I bet people do. And what are you?
Lauren Lowder: And what are you? Yeah.
arby: But I will say my toes are frog.
Michael: Well they're webbed.
arby: And bulbous at the end.
Lauren Lowder: There couldn't be more frog. There couldn't be more frog.
Michael: They are riveting on their own.
arby: Okay, Lauren, let's do it.
Lauren Lowder: All right. So between the two, between Timothy Chalamet and Tom Holland, who is more likely to tell you if you have food in your teeth?
Michael: Timothy Shaman.
arby: I think Tom. no. Chalamet is
Lauren Lowder: House divided.
arby: Chalamet is walking around with peppercorns and like old ribs stuck between his teeth. He doesn't give a fuck.
Michael: Yeah. He's more grounded.
arby: He doesn't care if you have shit in your teeth. He doesn't even he's not even looking at your teeth. In fact, he's only looking at himself in the reflection of your glasses. He's not looking at anything on your face. Tom Holland, on the other hand, he's like, Honey, you got some shit in your teeth.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
Michael: No. British people British people do not point out things like this. They would rather you have an entire slab of bacon hanging out of your mouth than tell you about it.
arby: Mm. I just think Tom has been with Zendier for for too long and she's slapped the Englishman out of him. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: She's Amer yeah, she's Americanized him.
Michael: Like me and Joe.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Correct.
Michael: Thank God they've been saved.
Lauren Lowder: Okay, next, between Timothy Chalamet and Tom Holland, who has the stinkier farts?
arby: Chalamet.
Michael: Probably. Just 'cause I think it's kinda na is kinda nasty.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah, Bernie's. He's got the Bernie
arby: Just is sulfuric like
Lauren Lowder: Sanders.
arby: sulfuric acid. Like just sulfur bombs go off. And it sets the fire
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, they're silent.
arby: it sets the fire alarms off in any rooms he's in.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: And the fire department's like, again, really?
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. Yeah. Timate.
arby: Can't let him match around that guy.
Lauren Lowder: Mm mm. Okay, between the two, which one's second toe is longer than the first?
arby: This is so funny. Timothy, no doubt.
Michael: Timothy Chalmay. This is obvious. Next question.
arby: It's in its but it's like th six inches longer.
Lauren Lowder: He has to go up like three sho shoe sizes just for his toe.
arby: And that's why he has the Keebler elf shoes, because they're long and pointy and that one toe can go up into it.
Lauren Lowder: For his one toe. Yeah. You guys nailed that, okay?
Michael: Very good job, Abby. With the key blow off shoe.
Lauren Lowder: between between the two, Timothy and Tom, who's more likely to cry after sex?
arby: I think Tom
Michael: No, I know. No. Timothy Chalame. He is one
Lauren Lowder: Why?
Michael: of these guys because I think he's crying for multiple reasons. Or two different scenarios that I could think of off the top of my head. He is the one dating Kendall Jenner, right?
arby: Mm-hmm.
Michael: There are some people in this world, like skinny guy, large girl. K Kendall, is that her name?
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I just said Kendall. Kylie, Joe said. It's Kylie Jenner. Yeah.
arby: Kylie.
Lauren Lowder: Kylie, Kylie, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Michael: She is voluptuous, big ass, and he's a skinny little man. So I think that in bed she pummels him and therefore he cries because of that.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: And if he doesn't pumble him pummel him, he is crying because he ha was victorious and he overcame the obstacles, i. e. her pummeling him. So that's why he's crying after that. So I think that he is probably the the crier.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, like I feel like they're both crying for different reasons. Timothy's crying because he's so moved by his own performance during sex that he's like, I can't believe how amazing I was. And then Tom is like crying because he's so in love with Zendaya that he's just like so moved by her that that's why he's tearing up.
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: That's a hard one. That's a hard one. I can see them both crying for different reasons.
Michael: I can see them both crying.
Lauren Lowder: Okay.
arby: Tim Timothy's crying because he his penis never actually reached the h the hole. It just it just stayed in between
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
Michael: No I
arby: butt cheeks.
Lauren Lowder: Ha.
Michael: No, I'm telling you what, I think he's got a big one. Because
arby: He die he does. It's like an it's like this. There's no there's no doubt in my mind. god.
Michael: Yeah. It's he's one of these skinny I'm I'm telling you, the skinnier the guy, the bigger it is. We talked about this before. 'Cause I'm I'm always like whenever I see a little skinny g gay
arby: He he is a tree trunk. Tree trunk dick.
Lauren Lowder: Mm.
Michael: guy I'm like, that thing is huge and whenever he gets a boner he passes out 'cause all the blood goes down there.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha ha.
arby: He has a vagal response from getting a boner.
Michael: This is what I think.
Lauren Lowder: okay, between Timothy and Tom, who is more likely to poop in a public restroom and leave it absolutely destroyed?
Michael: Timothy Charme, easy.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, Tom cares too much.
Michael: Mm, yeah. He's putting Tom's putting down toilet
arby: Tom
Michael: paper on the seat. Timothy Chalamet is standing on top of that seat. Squatting.
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha
arby: Yeah. And he's problem.
Lauren Lowder: Ass ass angled towards the wall.
Michael: Yeah, like this do not do this stickers.
arby: Yeah, Tom.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: Tom takes probiotics and fiber every day, so he's great. He's got regular he's eliminating
Michael: And he's also bringing poopery with him everywhere he goes.
arby: well. Timothy is you know, he's all over the place. He he has a like a pocket full of lactate pills that he always forgets to take.
Lauren Lowder: He's always having cow paddy dumps. Just
Michael: He's painting.
Lauren Lowder: cow patty ploppers into the toilet. Always. He's got issues. He's got issue issues.
Michael: Okay, next one.
Lauren Lowder: Alright, last one, let's see. who's more likely Ugh see, hold on. Who would be worst sorry, who would be who would be the worst to be stuck in an elevator with?
Michael: Yeah, he wouldn't stop talking.
Lauren Lowder: About himself.
arby: I think he would have all of these
Michael: Yeah.
arby: solutions h in his brain that would just be spewing all over the s the space, none of which were ac w are actual solutions to the problem.
Michael: Also he would just start rapping and then he would start doing Yeah,
Lauren Lowder: In the corner.
Michael: and then he would start what's that crumping, breakdancing, hitting you in the face with his sh feet. yeah. He would hit
arby: And he
Lauren Lowder: His toe his long toe.
Michael: all the buttons on the on the thing just to get something to work.
arby: Make it worse. And he would establish a pea corner.
Michael: He would hit the call emergency button and the person would be so annoyed by them that they would just leave on the other end.
Lauren Lowder: They would snip the wires and let the thing fall.
Michael: yeah. Tom Holland would
arby: No, he would drop his pants and he would
Michael: Go ahead.
arby: No.
Michael: Tom Holland would use his spider skills, spidey skills, and like
arby: Mm.
Michael: get them out with that
Lauren Lowder: Mhm.
Michael: the web.
Lauren Lowder: And it would just be such a calming presence, I think.
arby: Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Cool.
arby: Except he would he would he would get a little nervous and let a toot out and it would be it would be really stinky and he would be really embarrassed about it and he would profusely apologize.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. His farts smell like you someone opened a bag of potato chips, I think. Where it's not like sulfuric.
arby: That's so no, that's so accurate. It's like just a bag of Middlesworth barbecue chips got popped in the elevator. That's what it It's
Lauren Lowder: Yeah.
arby: like not bad, but you're not mat like you're a little like, what's that? It's Yeah
Lauren Lowder: stinky, yeah. But Timothy, yeah, it's like you're clawing at the corners.
arby: Small animals die within seconds.
Michael: That's nasty.
arby: Ha ha ha.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, exactly. Cool. Alright.
arby: Okay. Wow, that was fun.
Lauren Lowder: That was fun. That was really fun. I think I think we did really good. And I'm curious to see what other people think of our answers and if they agree or disagree.
arby: Yeah.
Lauren Lowder: Well, on that note, anything else we want to talk about before we wrap up?
arby: Mm.
Michael: Nope.
Lauren Lowder: Okay. Michael's reached his limit.
Michael: I nearly have. I'm going away this week
Lauren Lowder: Ha ha.
Michael: this weekend for like fourteen days and my mom is on the loose in Paris and I'm looking at my fun my friends to see where she is every three seconds. So
Lauren Lowder: Mm. Where are you going again? Are you going to Paris with her or no? Where are you going?
arby: Why?
Michael: no, I'm I'm going to the south of France while she's
Lauren Lowder: that's right.
Michael: in Paris and then we go from Paris to Tunisia for a wedding. And then we're back here, but we're doing for like twelve days or something. I don't know, 'cause I worry about my mom. She's like whenever we go away on vacation, just the two of us, she's always like I told you, like a golden retriever with a credit card. She's just along for the ride and doesn't pay attention to much. And I do all the navigating and stuff, and now she has to do the navigating and I'm like, my god, she's gonna end up in like
arby: Is she by herself?
Michael: No, she's with her friend Debbie.
arby: They're fine.
Michael: and I think The two of them will be fine. They'll be able to like double check each other.
Lauren Lowder: Mm-hmm.
Michael: So although my mom did g she
arby: and are you travelling with Joe?
Michael: got outside the sorry?
arby: Are you traveling with Joe this whole trip? Okay.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. but I was I hugged her at the train station. I was like, All right, see you later And I was like, I'm sure she'll be good. And then she got to the train station, she's like, Should we get a a taxi or get an Uber? And I'm like, my god. I was like, I don't I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Lauren Lowder: God, yeah.
Michael: but she ended up getting a taxi. and I followed her little bubble the whole way to her hotel, so she did make it.
arby: Good.
Lauren Lowder: Wait, she only took a train? Where when she landed when she
Michael: Yeah, you can take the Eurost she was in London for the this past week and then she took the Eurostar, which is a train to to France. It goes under the English channel.
Lauren Lowder: Amazing.
Michael: It goes like a hundred and sixty miles an hour.
arby: How long of a train ride is that?
Michael: Like two hours fifteen minutes or something?
Lauren Lowder: that's not bad at all.
arby: Yeah.
Michael: Mm, it's really good. And then you have to like you don't have to go to an airport or anything like that. It's great.
Lauren Lowder: that's amazing.
arby: Okay, well let's
Michael: Faberus.
arby: let's plan
Michael: Yeah.
arby: that trip together 'cause I wanna do that. Celine Dion,
Lauren Lowder: Let's do that.
Michael: Yeah.
arby: Seline Dion.
Michael: Steline Dion. Okay. Yeah. They're
Lauren Lowder: Yeah. All right.
Michael: there now actually, and she's there now, so
arby: I know. I need
Michael: Lucky.
arby: to get there.
Lauren Lowder: Yeah, let's do that. All
arby: Okay.
Lauren Lowder: right, well let's call it a day. And
Michael: All right.
Lauren Lowder: we will be here same time, same place next week. And thanks for hanging out with us. Go follow us on all of our socials and we will see you next time.
Michael: Bye.
