Ross Romano: Welcome in, everyone. You are listening to Sideline Sessions here on the Be Podcast Network. Thanks, as always, for joining us. We've got another great conversation here for those of you who are coaches or parents or otherwise involved with [00:01:00] student athletes in a variety of sports, but we're going to be talking specifically today about soccer.
My guest is Gabe Nossier. Gabe is a soccer coach, performance coach, and a life coach. He works with professional soccer players, also does individual coaching and works with individuals across a variety of domains. Gabe, it's a pleasure to have you here.
Gabe Nosseir: Ross, it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much.
Ross Romano: To dive right in, I'd love to just have you tell our listeners a little bit about your experience in coaching soccer in particular. And then if you want to fill in around that, some of the other coaching you do as well.
Gabe Nosseir: Well, after a very average playing career I had this yearning to help players reach more of their potential than I felt that I didn't reach when I kind of snapped in high school what it took, way too late about my senior year. I finally started putting in the work into it and I realized I could have been so much more if I just had that drive so that's why I got into [00:02:00] coaching started coaching right out of high school and coached my high school that I went to started on the jv for two years and then I had some success and got promoted up to varsity and it just, I, it felt like there was something that I was supposed to do.
And you know, adding a little bit of knowledge to my love for the game and my desire to help kids it just, Kept unfolding and eventually I started coaching club soccer and I had this desire to form a team that was highly successful and not just in New Mexico, it's where I was from, but across the country and be one of the better teams out there.
And in order to do that, I had to improve as a coach. And so I was. highly motivated to do that, to learn from as many coaches that I respected as possible. But the, and I think I was [00:03:00] okay at it, decent. But what I really enjoyed deep down was the psychological aspect of getting them to look at the way they're performing.
beyond what they were doing on the soccer field. And I started to see the influence I had on their lives. And then so my focus, it kind of shifted to wins and success to more how I was shaping these young men at the time. I coached girls as well, but mostly boys. And I just really love the influence that I had on them as people and I started reading different books to them.
I remember when they were 16, they kind of got a big chip on their shoulders and started really questioning me. And there are some issues within the team and our culture. And so I read them The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And it basically taught them to You know, [00:04:00] be careful with their word and how they use their mouth and what they say and not just to each other and to me, but to themselves as well.
And to not take things personally, which I needed to do because I understood they were 16 year olds, highly successful team and had a lot of confidence. And of course they're going to push back because I became You know, kind of like a parent figure to them. And that's kind of what you do around that age, you start questioning parents.
And so it was a really enjoyable group. There ended up being one of the top 10 teams in the country for their age group for the last three years of the team. And My biggest pride for that team is not the wins and the success that they had, but every single one of them went to college. They didn't all play.
We had two of them in particular who were first generation in college from their family and I they'd still play the game and work around the game, those [00:05:00] two in particular. You know, it just brings a lot of warmth to my heart to know I had that kind of influence on them, that they continue to love soccer.
And after I coached them, I kind of took a little bit of a hiatus from coaching full time and was coaching a little bit part time, but I started getting into live coaching and It was natural for me to kind of blend my love for soccer and coaching with that psychological aspect, but now I had some more tools to it and just kind of kept progressing with my education in that department and working on myself as well.
Because one thing as a life coach or any kind of therapist or whatever, you can only take the person you're working with as far as. So I had to go really deep and really far. I continue to do that, and I've added other elements to my personal growth and development. And I love kind of putting it all together and helping people, especially [00:06:00] when I look at performance, I really focus in on the physical aspect, the mental, emotional, and also the spiritual slash energetic aspect as well.
So, and now here I am.
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Ross Romano: What does the goal development process look like for you when you're working with, let's start with an individual athlete you know, how much of that is determined by the level at which they're currently playing, how much of that is determined by Them articulating their goals, you helping them set goals.
Can you talk me through that?
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah with goal setting I talked to them about setting their goals a little bit loosely. So, because you have this end result and say You want to play in college? Say, okay, let's look at that. We know that's in existence. Let's put it on the shelf and we're going to focus more instead of just that goal.
What it's actually going to take to get [00:07:00] there. The day in and day out work. Okay you have to develop a plan and a strategy to actually get to that goal and let's focus on that. The goal is two, three years away. And so that's not now. Let's focus on right now, what you're doing now, because what you, how hard you work now and what you do now is going to determine your success in the future.
So, that's kind of how I view goals. Now, what I tend to do, everybody of course it's everybody's unique and have their own issues, what's going on in their head and their performance and all that. But, Overall, what I focus on every single client that I have, whether they're an athlete, whether they're a parent, whether they're an ex athlete, it doesn't matter, is to help them understand that their experience in life is completely based on their thoughts.
And they're always experiencing their thinking in the moment because that's what holds players back from succeeding is they get kind of lost in their thoughts. [00:08:00] They're unable to recognize their thoughts and that's where they can get sucked into not being able to deal with pressure or whether it's from fans, coaches.
So when they start to even just know that they're, all they're doing is experiencing their thoughts, they, and that they can be the person who's thinking and observe themselves thinking and also observe themselves observing the thought. As well because we are both the person who creates the thought and we're also the observer of that person as well We're in those two roles.
So when they can start to see that let's say for example, they're having, you know Some sort of anxiety before performance It's just to bring witness to the fact that they're thinking and to just be like, okay. I feel this in my body This is this feeling is coming from my thoughts Right now. So I'm just going to observe it.
I'm not going to [00:09:00] dissect it and say why it's coming from what's happening, but just the fact that I can observe it and be like, okay, there's that thought again. All right. All I'm doing is thinking, let me take a deep breath because there's a deep, deep connection with breath and our ability to center ourselves right and get back in the present moment.
Right, so let me take a deep breath and get back into the present moment, because that's what it's all about, is being present and focused.
Ross Romano: Yeah. But how do you and how would another coach, right? And maybe a coach of a team who is trying to accomplish some of the same things, right? But working with a lot of different individuals and perhaps recognizing some of what you're describing, right? Whether it's. You know, a heightened state of emotion, dysregulation, having unproductive thoughts, the things that can negatively impact performance kind of try to work on helping athletes to stop that, right?
[00:10:00] And then recognize it and then you know, reverse course and try to get back to a more productive mindset.
Gabe Nosseir: Well coaches obviously set the tone, right? And what I realized when I was coaching my team was if my energy was low and I was bringing some issues into my practice, my training session or a game, I could see the players responding to my energy, even though I thought I was trying to hide, I was hiding it.
Well enough, but that hit me pretty hard. So I realized that I had to get centered and focused. And first of all, that's the biggest thing that I could control. Now kids are going to have their issues and somebody is going to come in and say, Hey, I'm having a hard time with this so there's.
You know, in team sports, specifically in soccer you have all these individuals and hopefully not all the individuals are having some sort of emotional discomfort at the same time, but you address the [00:11:00] team and then you can tell with Once coaches really get to know their players, they'll know who I can speak to a little bit more freely in front of everybody, and what I can say, what their limit is to be able to receive feedback, and who I need to pull off to the side who may be Have a little bit less of a tolerance and ability to receive feedback or criticism in front of others.
So it all depends on the level of intensity of the emotions that are going on. But that's the role of a coach is to be able to manage that. And that can be a really challenging thing. And I think I've seen a lot of coaches who I shouldn't say a lot. I've seen coaches before who no matter what their tone, they're going to treat everybody the same.
And That may sound like that's great, but sometimes all these players are completely unique. So sometimes you do need to pull somebody off to the side and say, Hey, what's going on? The majority of the time players just want to be heard [00:12:00] especially ones who are having difficulties at home at school, whatever it is.
They just need somebody to show them love and if they're listened to and validated and then a coach who's able to navigate through that by saying, Hey, I understand how you feel and you know what, let's channel that energy that you have right now and. Bring your complete focus and intensity up right now, focus here, because that's going to help you deal with those emotions that are coming from off the field or whatever the issue is.
I hope that answers your question.
Ross Romano: and it brings up a question, a hard to answer question of you know, the interplay, I guess, between the mental game and the physical game and how you know, certainly A player who is has really mastered the mental game where you can, increase their level of performance. A player who's struggling with that is not going to perform up to their potential.
But [00:13:00] I guess in determining, like, how. Is it, I guess, can the physical side of things have the same effect? Right? You know, can a player who has more talent and skill, like, overcome struggles that they're having with the mental game or vice versa the same way that it is critical when you have the focus on the mental side.
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah, there's, I mean, there's a lot of physically gifted athletes out there who can make up a lot of physical ability and athletic ability can really help players out tremendously and overcome certain things now. Ultimately, the higher you go or higher an athlete goes up a level, the mental side really becomes more important, you know?
You know, there's a player. There's quite a few players out there. One player that I can think of [00:14:00] specifically was an Italian player named Mario Balotelli. He was incredibly, incredibly gifted and incredibly undisciplined within himself and had a lot of issues. And you could tell this was a guy who probably dealt with a lot of trauma.
He was the Italians aren't known for having black players on their team. And because it's not in their country very often so I'm sure this you know, Mario Balotelli faced a tremendous amount of racial abuse because it's something that's still prominent in Europe, especially ones that aren't haven't welcomed in as refugees like France it's a big part of their culture is they bring in a lot of refugees into their country, but Countries like you know, Spain and you know, there's a lot of players suffering racial abuse in Italy.
So so you could see this, Mario Balotelli was so, so talented and can do so many amazing things on the field. But ultimately his career didn't take off to where I feel like it, it could have been because he [00:15:00] wasn't emotionally mature enough because of what he faced and you know, That's just kind of part of life, right?
I've seen some players who have a tremendous, tremendous attitude and will work so hard but they just don't have the same skill and ability as other players, you know? So, they'll only succeed so much. So it's a combination of those players who have it all are the special ones.
Ross Romano: Yeah, as a coach, how do you go about getting athletes to take ownership of their own development? And particularly in cases, I'm sure or you may work with individuals who come to you for coaching and maybe they Absolutely. Think that they that they're taking initiative, that they have an idea of what it means to get better.
And you may recognize, you know what, there's some other things that you need to really understand and lock into because there are things that you're not owning and [00:16:00] you're holding yourself back in those ways.
Gabe Nosseir: I think one is having those honest talks with you know, from the coach to have those honest talks with those players. And I remember having them and saying individually, like, Hey I I would always take time during a season in the middle of the season and then at the end of having an evaluation.
And that's a great time to do it because there's one thing to do it during a training session and kind of snapping at a player and saying you're not doing enough and you need to be doing this and that they're not going to receive that information very well in front of others.
But if a coach is able to have a one on one sit down, which takes time and dedication, but I felt it was very necessary for me personally to do that with my players. You know, when they're in a calm state outside of practice and you're just having a conversation and to give them a list of like, Hey, this is what I see and one thing that I found out I didn't do this quite so much as.[00:17:00]
a coach, but I learned that I started doing this later when I was doing evaluations for my business for my employees, I would have them rate themselves. And then I would rate my I would rate them on the same exact sheet and kind of compare because sometimes athletes think like, this is what I'm doing, I'm doing all this hard work.
And then You know, when somebody tells you like Hey, you're actually, this is how I see you then it can kind of bring them into a little bit sense of reality. And sometimes, unfortunately, they have to hear that message over and over and over again. And that's. Part of life is you know, eventually it's got to come from the player.
You know, parents can only say so much coaches can only say so much. But eventually, hopefully it hits players. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
Ross Romano: Yeah. So kind of looking at, I guess, the process of coaching individuals, coaching teams you know, you talk about transformative coaching, right? I would love to, I would love to start just [00:18:00] by having you kind of define that for us and then talk about like how you are evaluating, right, whether coaching is transformative and what the objectives are in that.
Gabe Nosseir: Well the transformative coaching I do is. Is not on the field as much as it is working with individuals more one on one, kind of like in a conversation or sometimes in a group setting. And the whole idea, of course, it it goes in the word, to get them to transform, right? And a big part of that is to increase their self awareness.
And to help them understand more about themselves, because just like I said, when you are kind of going through life and you think you're doing things that are benefiting you and then all of a sudden you have some sort of insight that somebody tells you, or that you realize it yourself, you can kind Say all of a sudden, like, oh, man, I thought I was this and doing this to help me, but I [00:19:00] realize I'm actually not.
And so now what can I do? Right? So it's all about increasing awareness. And that's where I go back to a big part of that is to understand Of the power of their thoughts and the awareness of their thoughts and like I said earlier when we start to become aware of our thoughts, we can just kind of recognize that they'll come in and just let them go out and shift our focus back into the present moment.
And I always push athletes to have a high level of intensity and a high level of focus because we have these two parts of us. We have our. Our essence, which is our higher self, it's operating in our higher good, more from our high, our heart, and then we have our ego, we'll just use that word, it's really the false self that is always tricking us.
It's always trying to keep us safe by living in fear. And so when we can recognize that part of us, we can shift [00:20:00] back into that higher level of intensity and higher level of focus, which brings us into the present moment.
Ross Romano: Yeah. How do you, so like as a coach, how do you, or how would you know, if you haven't been in say the head coaching position for a while here, but you're focusing on, of course, this holistic view of the athlete and helping players to become their best selves. Off the field, how would you go about assembling a coaching staff and how would you recommend to other coaches who are listening to this who want to really be able to focus on a lot of the things you're talking about and spending that time in relationship with players and helping them to overcome those personal obstacles to focus in on the mental game to also have a Staff that has complimentary strengths and that really supports the technical aspects and the strategy and the training and all those different parts you know, which I think could be, which is important, right?
And it's 1 of the most [00:21:00] important things I think of. Coaching, but any leading any type of organization is choosing the right people to surround you, the people who will make the whole greater. And you know, something that's not that easy to do, I think as well.
Gabe Nosseir: I think it depends on, it starts with knowing oneself. really deeply and also what the person is capable of doing. I'll speak from my experience when I worked as a head coach with probably the best coach, assistant coach for me. I knew what I wanted to do. I brought, he was one of my best friends and we knew each other really well and he respected what I did.
I respected what he did, but what I wanted to do is I wanted to focus in on kind of the, if we were working on tactics, I wanted to be able to just focus in on that. I didn't really want to focus in on the warmup, the technical thing, the technical stuff at the [00:22:00] beginning especially when we were getting ready for a big tournament.
You know, so my friend would come in he would do the warm up do like all the technical stuff to get them sharp with their skills And then they would come over to me where I was on the field and then I would focus in on the tactical stuff and then he would do the closing the kind of cool down and stretching at the end and it worked Magnificently because I could just sit there and I'd tell him hey This is what we're going to work on and he would come up with something that matches that because as a coach, you know you want your?
Your session to flow. So if we're working on something with soccer with let's just say combinations in the middle of the field or something like that with the midfield midfielders and short passing, whatever it is, then, you know. The the, he, my friend, for example, would do something with, like, short passing and all the things like that.
So with, when I started coaching high school I wasn't, when I got bumped up to varsity, I wasn't the head [00:23:00] coach on varsity. The coach he knew the game adequately. But he brought me in and he said, you do all the practices, whatever you want to do, and he kind of managed the team and it was a great.
It worked out great. I would come in there. He would deal with the parents. He would deal with all the stuff I didn't want to deal with. And I could just go in there. I could bust out my session. You know, and then that was it so it depends on the experience of the coach You know if you want, you know at the higher levels you're gonna want somebody that's gonna push you it's gonna know the game and teach you as well.
So there's a lot of different factors. But Overall, it's gonna you know, what I would always suggest is, you know Somebody who's gonna speak to the kids with respect who's going to be an extension of you who you can work with and go from there.
Ross Romano: Yeah, what about those parents? Well, they also have a part to play In you know in helping their young athletes be successful. What are the some of the things that [00:24:00] parents should be? looking for asking about in Determining whether a particular program is the right one for their kid, whether they're whether it's the right coach.
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah you know, parents play obviously a huge, huge role in their sports and their children. And it's It's a hard thing as a parent to be able to just trust in the coach. And even when you kind of do they're it depends on how much money you're paying it so a lot of parents have a belief that the more they pay, the more influence they should have on what the coaches do or the coaches are doing for their children.
You know, it's, And they can make it or break it for their kids and I've seen a lot of parents unfortunately have negative influence on their children it's a I understand I'm a parent, I was a parent of an athlete and I also dealt with a lot of parents so I feel like I was a pretty laid back parent you know, which was much the [00:25:00] appreciation of my daughter that she liked the way I handled it and just kind of let her do her thing but to me, the.
If I have a son who's not really into sports, he's into music, which is actually great for me. But let's say he was into it and he's younger and if he liked soccer I would it all depends on his goal, right? If he wants to be a high level player you have to look at high level teams.
And you have to go and observe and this always comes down to population and the number of teams and number of coaches you have around you because in New Mexico, there just aren't very many teams playing at a very high level and that's just the way it is due to population. You go to South Southern California.
It's a different story, right? But if I were a parent doing it all over again, I would go and I would watch coaches and how they train their team, and how they speak to their players, and do they speak with respect, because there's this balance, right, of you want to be demanding [00:26:00] but respectful at the same time.
Overall, coaches are teachers. They're there to teach. They shouldn't be there to berate and to bully players. And so you can tell a lot about the character. of a coach by how they are handling adversity in games and in practices.
Gabe Nosseir: Are they actually teaching? How organized are they on the field? You know, a lot of those things will determine so much. And there's a wide variety of coaches out there. So but overall, this. A coach has so much impact on the character of children that that's what I think a lot of parents don't look at, is how is this going to benefit my child as a human being, not just as a soccer player, basketball player, or anything.
You know, they're can this person be an extension of me? Are they a good moral character? Are they law abiding? [00:27:00] Are they respectful to the referees? Or do they communicate with their parents? What are their expectations? You know, there's so much that goes into it. I think a lot of parents are like, they look at, oh, this is the best team.
We've got to be on this best team because they're going to get a lot of these opportunities. And sure, that's part of it. But ideally, you want to have somebody with a high moral character. (ad here)
Ross Romano: Certain mistakes that parents seem to make either in prioritizing what are the most important things they should be doing versus shouldn't be doing. I think there's there's stuff like. Right, being, like, overly involved in certain ways, or certainly, like, having contentious relationships with coaches, those kinds of things, but I'm thinking stuff that's less.
Maybe less obvious than that, or less commonly commented on, but just in terms of the sporting landscape keeps changing. Right. And what it means to be in a [00:28:00] good program, or maybe relating to taking the time to really or where should they be? Those kinds of things versus always, I guess. Starting with, let's look for the elite program and only go for that. There's a variety, it may or may not align with I guess what the kid really wants to do.
Gabe Nosseir: That's a big thing and sometimes children will just tell their parents what they feel like they want to hear and you know, a lot of that goes, obviously starts with the relationship with the parent and a child. And I've seen it to where. You know, the parents come from fear, sometimes, and when they're having when they're, quote unquote, causing problems on a team which I've had to deal with parents who did that you know, who would come up to me right after games if something they didn't like happened, or I even had one, [00:29:00] one time pin me down in an elevator at a hotel right before, right as I was heading to a team meeting before this big tournament and kind of go off on me before the tournament even started.
And back then I just kind of was forceful back at them with my words and then as I grew as a human being and I started to see on the exterior was this anger and aggression towards me, but deep down there is a fear inside of it. Right. And now if I was in those situations, I would hopefully be able to be more calm and say, Hey, what's really behind this?
You know, you're fearful it seems like you're fearful that your son's not going to get this opportunity to display himself and go to college or could affect his future with this. And so you need, I'd like for you to. and let me do my job in the moments that may be a little bit harder, right?
But it all boils down to Parents being able to [00:30:00] trust in the journey of their children, because there's so many times when they freak out and say can say like, Oh, I'm fearful. This is coming from the unconscious, of course, right? The unconscious is saying I'm fearful. My child is not going to succeed.
So now I'm going to go and say this and I'm going to do this. Right. So it becomes about a parent and understanding themselves. And that's when I work with parents, I try and help them understand that their child has their own journey and the becomes this balance of letting them have their experience and being in the car with them as they drive.
But to kind of make sure every once in a while that they're keeping their eyes on the road. You know, instead of grabbing the steering wheel as they're driving.
Ross Romano: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's, I'm sure it's easier said than done. I mean in some ways. I guess being a coach then prepares you for the parenting side of it, not only in [00:31:00] the sense of having been on the other end of those parent coach interactions and knowing what it's like when you're having a tough time with the way parents are are approaching it, but also in terms of understanding, like, You can't guarantee success.
You can't control it past a certain point. You can do the things you can do to appropriately remove obstacles and to provide guidance, but it comes down to The player is ultimately going to determine their success their level of interest, their level of commitment, their level of ability will reveal itself, right?
And you know, same thing from the parent perspective. Of course, it relates to everything about parenting, not just the sports side of it, but the same thing where as much as that natural Inclination that natural instinct might be there to say I want to make [00:32:00] sure my child is successful here.
Sometimes, like you said, the way to do that has to be knowing when to. Back off knowing when to say I've done what I can do. I've created the conditions here as much as I can. I've supported getting into a good environment or you know, driving to practice all the things that the parents need to do, but I can't.
I can't make my child love a sport they don't love, I can't make them more talented than they are, I can't make them show up and give their best effort, or whatever it may be, right, I can only provide encouragement I can try not to do things that detract from them. their enjoyment or their ability to participate, but I can't make it happen.
Gabe Nosseir: Absolutely. You, the love, you're right, it has to come from [00:33:00] within the athlete. And parents can't make them, can't make their children love things, but they can make them Dislike things very, very easily based on how they're communicating and with their children, then that's the bottom line is like you can make them hate it, but you can't make them love it.
Ross Romano: You know? Yeah. I mean, I imagine there's
not totally modern and it varies across sports, but it's a lot of ways there's that push toward early specialization in a lot of and heightened competition for getting placed in the best. Getting on track for the best travel team, the best university whatever the case is According to the sport that happens a lot sooner than kids are really ready to make those decisions about, is this the thing I really want to commit [00:34:00] my life to?
I was just reading an article today. I don't follow tennis too closely, but the women's American player, Madison keys just won the, Australian open and it was her first major when she's. I think just turned or about to turn 30. She went pro at 14. All right, and had really early success and I think at 19 was in the u.
s Open final and was you know had these expectations of being one of the great players and certainly has had a great career but it never, you know reached the level but it said in the story that I think She started playing really high level competitively at 10 and at you know at age 10 Started playing when she was four.
At age ten, she told her mom that she This is what you wanted to do like full time play tennis and her mother said, you kind of have to prove it to me first. But at 12, they moved to Florida to be at a higher training facility. And she went pro at 14. You [00:35:00] know, and I guess this was a case. I don't without knowing the whole story of the kid somehow determining that this was what she really wanted to do and certainly seems to have stuck with it.
But if you were to see that, right, as a parent of a kid around a similar age that you felt like had a high level of ability, and you know how early a lot of these You know, eventual professionals end up really committing to that. I guess you could feel a lot of pressure around that, even if you don't really feel like, is this age appropriate?
I don't really want to put this level of pressure, but if I don't really try to put these resources into it by the time my kid is 18, it might be. Too late given the sport they're in and whether or not that's actually the case I guess that introduces a lot of other pressures and stressors and a lot of those clashes when every single thing that's happening [00:36:00] and same thing happens.
Academically in school, right, where the kids in second or third grade, and if they get a bad grade on a test. Oh, well, is this going to affect their the high school they can go to or the college they can go to? And it's just all these micro pressures starting at a really young age. And it's not.
An excuse for some of the behaviors, right? But it's kind of environmental factors that explain maybe why it feels like it becomes more and more common today than saying, Oh, well 30 years ago, nobody, nobody worried about that. And whether or not that's totally true. It was just very, Yeah. Very different, or at least there was the belief that you could maybe find your own way,
Gabe Nosseir: no, there's the landscape has changed. And I think a lot of it. I mean, I believe has to do with the amount of money that they're paying, right? [00:37:00] And you're right, there's this belief that you have to specialize at such a young age and that's totally dependent on the sport, you know? Like, for ice skating, figure skating, and gymnastics, those athletes have to peak early, you know?
At like 14, 15 years old, for the girls especially.
Ross Romano: you know,
Gabe Nosseir: So, but sports like soccer a little bit different yeah, you have to have a foundation of skill a certain age, but coaches these days are looking for kind of more of the late bloomers because. Kids get burned out so much and I've seen you know I stopped coaching a few years ago and I can't keep track of the like the landscape of youth soccer anymore Because there's so many different Leagues that are going on now and events.
It seems like you know teams are in like three or four different leagues nowadays. And when I could, last time I coached a [00:38:00] full team we had our local league we were in and then a regional league and a national league. And then that was it and and those other two leagues, the regional league and national league were just very few and far between but kids, it seems like are just going.
to so many events now, which equals so much money, which equals more pressure, because the parents want to see some kind of return on their investment.
Ross Romano: right?
Gabe Nosseir: And so in reality, the elite of the elite is very, very few kids and you know, it becomes very complicated because you want to provide you your kid says, I love soccer.
I wanna become a professional. I mean, it's hard to say no. Okay, let's not, we're not going to put you in those environments and give you those opportunities and especially if You know, it's a little unrealistic and the parent doesn't realize how unrealistic it is but ones who have experience and I think that's the beauty of soccer and the way it's evolving in the United States is that it's starting to become multi generational with soccer players [00:39:00] where what I mean was my parents, even though they weren't from the United States, they didn't play soccer and a lot of the people I played with, their parents didn't play soccer, but a lot of the people that I played with, They obviously played soccer and now their children are playing soccer and their children are going to play and it's just going to keep spreading across the country.
So hopefully the knowledge does increase and we'll be like, Oh, I don't really know if my child has it to become a professional player, but I'm still going to put them in the right environment to be a successful high school player. You know, and I think that's changed the landscape as well. I feel like there used to be a lot of focus on playing high school sports, and that was kind of a very special thing.
And now it's like, no, you got to play club, right? Because that's what's going to get you to college. So things have definitely shifted.
Ross Romano: What does ethical? Communication look like for coaches and you know, given what you mentioned, especially the money involved And I've had some conversations here with, for example, high school [00:40:00] basketball or football coaches about how do you manage the dual roles of being both the current coach to the athletes on your team and needing to encourage them and set them up for success, right?
And really give them confidence in themselves with also maybe being the only person they have access to. Who has enough experience, knowledge of the sport and expertise to give them an honest evaluation of their potential beyond where they are right now, right? You have a young athlete who says, okay, I want to go and play in college, or I want to play division 1, right?
And you might feel like I have a strong sense that you're more suited for division 3 and I want to give you good. Guidance I don't, but I don't want to take away your belief that you are able to succeed here. And in [00:41:00] this case, even more so with the money involved, right? To be able to say, look. Let's set real expectations for what we think we can achieve here with this program.
And let me not, like, basically take your money from you with you having the belief that this is going to lead to a professional career. If either it's too early to tell, and it's just not something we can promise here. Or if I really, I'm just not really feeling like that's likely, right? I think we can raise the level of success.
I think we can aim for appropriate goals, but before you sink everything into this It's really important that you not expect that and but I'm sure in cases where that for some coaches, depending on what their role is, and especially if they're a private coach, right? And that's how they make their [00:42:00] living.
You know, maybe it's not always easy to have those conversations, but quite important because right. As you mentioned, it's like, it can really, really, particularly for families who don't have a ton of money, it can really be a real investment.
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah, and that's where the coach needs to communicate his or her expectations, right, of the communication. And I don't know if a lot of coaches do that. And that was something I made sure and I did with my teams is said, okay, this is what this year is going to look like. You know what the team is already about.
We're a highly competitive team. These are the tournaments that we're gonna go travel to, so you can expect to pay money to do this, start planning the dates and as far as communication with me, this is when it's okay to communicate and what to communicate with me about. You know, this is when it's not okay to communicate with me.[00:43:00]
And to set kind of those expectations is gonna be really helpful for Not just the coach, but the parents and the players as well and I think that's kind of a lost art is that open communication, because just like you said, right, they're sinking a lot of money into a product, right, a product that there's no guarantee of any kind of return on their investment either because there's so many variables, including the energy of their child.
You know, that they need to put into it. So it's a very, very challenging task to be a coach and to be able to communicate. But you know, sometimes all you can do is just be crystal clear with your communication ahead of time. And for parents who don't know the what kind of team this is it may be coming to be like, Hey, this is kind of where we're going with this team.
We're the B team in this club so if you want to try out for the A team, go try out for the A team, or whatever it [00:44:00] is.
Ross Romano: Yeah. Awesome. Well, it's been a great conversation game. And I think one that a lot of listeners of a variety of roles are going to take a lot from. And I would love to close it out by maybe providing like a final. You know, inside or take away that hopefully resonate with our listeners across the board.
And I know that you've not only coach, but also interviewed a number of professional athletes. And I'm wondering if there's like, an impactful insight that you've heard that you feel like would be a great thing to leave our listeners with.
Gabe Nosseir: Overall the podcast, basically every player that I interviewed, every athlete they wholeheartedly love their sport. Right, and it came from themselves and their parents, very few of them had a pushy parent who pushed them to be what they were. It had to come from within them.
So that's kind of one [00:45:00] for the athlete. Now the one that's probably the most impactful one, That I still carry with me today as a parent and I try and navigate this fine line is that kids today, and this came from Ashley McIver, who was an Olympic gold medal skier from Canada. She won the gold medal in the Vancouver Games in 20, I believe it was 2010.
Forgive me if I'm mistaken with the date, but she said that kids these days are under so much pressure from their coaches, from their teachers, from their teammates, and from themselves. that the last place they need pressure from is at home. And that really like, it hit me hard because so many parents pressure out of fear.
Now this is not to say to be loose and kind of just like [00:46:00] have no expectations, no boundaries. Kids still need boundaries and kids still need expectations, but pressure to perform in sports is completely different thing.
Ross Romano: Yeah. And in particular, you have to really be able to understand the amount of pressure that the kids already put on themselves, right? And the amount of pressure they're already feeling and that. Adding to that or telling them the same thing when they're already feeling it how counterproductive that can that could be right.
And with the sports, even if they're not necessarily putting that much pressure on themselves, it probably means that. That's what their relationship to the sport is. So then trying to add the pressure is not necessarily going to be a positive either. But it is it is a great insight from someone who has had that level of success and I'm sure has [00:47:00] experienced it, or at least whether from the positive or negative side of it understands that you know, you can get to this level and, but.
I did likely didn't become a gold medal skier because of the pressure. Other people were putting on me. It was because of her drive and determination to do so and and to persevere and stick with it and be able to go through all the things that are required to get to that level. Very hard to do without suffering burnout under the best of circumstances and then when there's those pressures and belief in that you're disappointing people or just anything that is diminishing any.
Potential joy you can get from the pursuit. Right? Very hard to see it through.
Gabe Nosseir: It is and you know, overall, big picture, there's so much more to [00:48:00] life than sports sports are beautiful platform for growth and evolution and teaching in so many ways, but you know, it all comes to an end at some point and all you're left with are the lessons that you had and also the relationships that you form.
You know, and when you can focus on those in the moment, and remember the big picture of that, that there are so many ways to experience life on this planet and sports are a very sacred thing, and that's when you can approach them from love as an athlete, and that's that's the key to it, is to perform from a place of the heart, instead of the the mind and the brain and Needing or believing that you have to be special and you have to perform because that's just coming from the thought if you can just focus on Loving the sport [00:49:00] loving to compete Loving to train loving teammates even loving opponents, and just focusing on that energy so much more will come.
I don't care if you win or lose So much more will come from that attitude
Ross Romano: Yeah. Awesome. Well, that's a great way to end this conversation. I think it's a really beautiful way to drive things home here and to take away a lot of the lessons we've talked about for coaches for parents. Things that athletes themselves, I'm sure can learn from. So share this with those other folks in your life who would benefit.
And please do also subscribe to sideline sessions. If you're not already, we're going to continue to have conversations with coaches from across the sporting landscape, a variety of coaches, backgrounds and just all kinds of topics that we know are beneficial to you. Gabe, thanks so much for being here.
Gabe Nosseir: for us. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much [00:50:00]
My guest is Gabe Nossier. Gabe is a soccer coach, performance coach, and a life coach. He works with professional soccer players, also does individual coaching and works with individuals across a variety of domains. Gabe, it's a pleasure to have you here.
Gabe Nosseir: Ross, it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much.
Ross Romano: To dive right in, I'd love to just have you tell our listeners a little bit about your experience in coaching soccer in particular. And then if you want to fill in around that, some of the other coaching you do as well.
Gabe Nosseir: Well, after a very average playing career I had this yearning to help players reach more of their potential than I felt that I didn't reach when I kind of snapped in high school what it took, way too late about my senior year. I finally started putting in the work into it and I realized I could have been so much more if I just had that drive so that's why I got into [00:02:00] coaching started coaching right out of high school and coached my high school that I went to started on the jv for two years and then I had some success and got promoted up to varsity and it just, I, it felt like there was something that I was supposed to do.
And you know, adding a little bit of knowledge to my love for the game and my desire to help kids it just, Kept unfolding and eventually I started coaching club soccer and I had this desire to form a team that was highly successful and not just in New Mexico, it's where I was from, but across the country and be one of the better teams out there.
And in order to do that, I had to improve as a coach. And so I was. highly motivated to do that, to learn from as many coaches that I respected as possible. But the, and I think I was [00:03:00] okay at it, decent. But what I really enjoyed deep down was the psychological aspect of getting them to look at the way they're performing.
beyond what they were doing on the soccer field. And I started to see the influence I had on their lives. And then so my focus, it kind of shifted to wins and success to more how I was shaping these young men at the time. I coached girls as well, but mostly boys. And I just really love the influence that I had on them as people and I started reading different books to them.
I remember when they were 16, they kind of got a big chip on their shoulders and started really questioning me. And there are some issues within the team and our culture. And so I read them The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And it basically taught them to You know, [00:04:00] be careful with their word and how they use their mouth and what they say and not just to each other and to me, but to themselves as well.
And to not take things personally, which I needed to do because I understood they were 16 year olds, highly successful team and had a lot of confidence. And of course they're going to push back because I became You know, kind of like a parent figure to them. And that's kind of what you do around that age, you start questioning parents.
And so it was a really enjoyable group. There ended up being one of the top 10 teams in the country for their age group for the last three years of the team. And My biggest pride for that team is not the wins and the success that they had, but every single one of them went to college. They didn't all play.
We had two of them in particular who were first generation in college from their family and I they'd still play the game and work around the game, those [00:05:00] two in particular. You know, it just brings a lot of warmth to my heart to know I had that kind of influence on them, that they continue to love soccer.
And after I coached them, I kind of took a little bit of a hiatus from coaching full time and was coaching a little bit part time, but I started getting into live coaching and It was natural for me to kind of blend my love for soccer and coaching with that psychological aspect, but now I had some more tools to it and just kind of kept progressing with my education in that department and working on myself as well.
Because one thing as a life coach or any kind of therapist or whatever, you can only take the person you're working with as far as. So I had to go really deep and really far. I continue to do that, and I've added other elements to my personal growth and development. And I love kind of putting it all together and helping people, especially [00:06:00] when I look at performance, I really focus in on the physical aspect, the mental, emotional, and also the spiritual slash energetic aspect as well.
So, and now here I am.
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Ross Romano: What does the goal development process look like for you when you're working with, let's start with an individual athlete you know, how much of that is determined by the level at which they're currently playing, how much of that is determined by Them articulating their goals, you helping them set goals.
Can you talk me through that?
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah with goal setting I talked to them about setting their goals a little bit loosely. So, because you have this end result and say You want to play in college? Say, okay, let's look at that. We know that's in existence. Let's put it on the shelf and we're going to focus more instead of just that goal.
What it's actually going to take to get [00:07:00] there. The day in and day out work. Okay you have to develop a plan and a strategy to actually get to that goal and let's focus on that. The goal is two, three years away. And so that's not now. Let's focus on right now, what you're doing now, because what you, how hard you work now and what you do now is going to determine your success in the future.
So, that's kind of how I view goals. Now, what I tend to do, everybody of course it's everybody's unique and have their own issues, what's going on in their head and their performance and all that. But, Overall, what I focus on every single client that I have, whether they're an athlete, whether they're a parent, whether they're an ex athlete, it doesn't matter, is to help them understand that their experience in life is completely based on their thoughts.
And they're always experiencing their thinking in the moment because that's what holds players back from succeeding is they get kind of lost in their thoughts. [00:08:00] They're unable to recognize their thoughts and that's where they can get sucked into not being able to deal with pressure or whether it's from fans, coaches.
So when they start to even just know that they're, all they're doing is experiencing their thoughts, they, and that they can be the person who's thinking and observe themselves thinking and also observe themselves observing the thought. As well because we are both the person who creates the thought and we're also the observer of that person as well We're in those two roles.
So when they can start to see that let's say for example, they're having, you know Some sort of anxiety before performance It's just to bring witness to the fact that they're thinking and to just be like, okay. I feel this in my body This is this feeling is coming from my thoughts Right now. So I'm just going to observe it.
I'm not going to [00:09:00] dissect it and say why it's coming from what's happening, but just the fact that I can observe it and be like, okay, there's that thought again. All right. All I'm doing is thinking, let me take a deep breath because there's a deep, deep connection with breath and our ability to center ourselves right and get back in the present moment.
Right, so let me take a deep breath and get back into the present moment, because that's what it's all about, is being present and focused.
Ross Romano: Yeah. But how do you and how would another coach, right? And maybe a coach of a team who is trying to accomplish some of the same things, right? But working with a lot of different individuals and perhaps recognizing some of what you're describing, right? Whether it's. You know, a heightened state of emotion, dysregulation, having unproductive thoughts, the things that can negatively impact performance kind of try to work on helping athletes to stop that, right?
[00:10:00] And then recognize it and then you know, reverse course and try to get back to a more productive mindset.
Gabe Nosseir: Well coaches obviously set the tone, right? And what I realized when I was coaching my team was if my energy was low and I was bringing some issues into my practice, my training session or a game, I could see the players responding to my energy, even though I thought I was trying to hide, I was hiding it.
Well enough, but that hit me pretty hard. So I realized that I had to get centered and focused. And first of all, that's the biggest thing that I could control. Now kids are going to have their issues and somebody is going to come in and say, Hey, I'm having a hard time with this so there's.
You know, in team sports, specifically in soccer you have all these individuals and hopefully not all the individuals are having some sort of emotional discomfort at the same time, but you address the [00:11:00] team and then you can tell with Once coaches really get to know their players, they'll know who I can speak to a little bit more freely in front of everybody, and what I can say, what their limit is to be able to receive feedback, and who I need to pull off to the side who may be Have a little bit less of a tolerance and ability to receive feedback or criticism in front of others.
So it all depends on the level of intensity of the emotions that are going on. But that's the role of a coach is to be able to manage that. And that can be a really challenging thing. And I think I've seen a lot of coaches who I shouldn't say a lot. I've seen coaches before who no matter what their tone, they're going to treat everybody the same.
And That may sound like that's great, but sometimes all these players are completely unique. So sometimes you do need to pull somebody off to the side and say, Hey, what's going on? The majority of the time players just want to be heard [00:12:00] especially ones who are having difficulties at home at school, whatever it is.
They just need somebody to show them love and if they're listened to and validated and then a coach who's able to navigate through that by saying, Hey, I understand how you feel and you know what, let's channel that energy that you have right now and. Bring your complete focus and intensity up right now, focus here, because that's going to help you deal with those emotions that are coming from off the field or whatever the issue is.
I hope that answers your question.
Ross Romano: and it brings up a question, a hard to answer question of you know, the interplay, I guess, between the mental game and the physical game and how you know, certainly A player who is has really mastered the mental game where you can, increase their level of performance. A player who's struggling with that is not going to perform up to their potential.
But [00:13:00] I guess in determining, like, how. Is it, I guess, can the physical side of things have the same effect? Right? You know, can a player who has more talent and skill, like, overcome struggles that they're having with the mental game or vice versa the same way that it is critical when you have the focus on the mental side.
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah, there's, I mean, there's a lot of physically gifted athletes out there who can make up a lot of physical ability and athletic ability can really help players out tremendously and overcome certain things now. Ultimately, the higher you go or higher an athlete goes up a level, the mental side really becomes more important, you know?
You know, there's a player. There's quite a few players out there. One player that I can think of [00:14:00] specifically was an Italian player named Mario Balotelli. He was incredibly, incredibly gifted and incredibly undisciplined within himself and had a lot of issues. And you could tell this was a guy who probably dealt with a lot of trauma.
He was the Italians aren't known for having black players on their team. And because it's not in their country very often so I'm sure this you know, Mario Balotelli faced a tremendous amount of racial abuse because it's something that's still prominent in Europe, especially ones that aren't haven't welcomed in as refugees like France it's a big part of their culture is they bring in a lot of refugees into their country, but Countries like you know, Spain and you know, there's a lot of players suffering racial abuse in Italy.
So so you could see this, Mario Balotelli was so, so talented and can do so many amazing things on the field. But ultimately his career didn't take off to where I feel like it, it could have been because he [00:15:00] wasn't emotionally mature enough because of what he faced and you know, That's just kind of part of life, right?
I've seen some players who have a tremendous, tremendous attitude and will work so hard but they just don't have the same skill and ability as other players, you know? So, they'll only succeed so much. So it's a combination of those players who have it all are the special ones.
Ross Romano: Yeah, as a coach, how do you go about getting athletes to take ownership of their own development? And particularly in cases, I'm sure or you may work with individuals who come to you for coaching and maybe they Absolutely. Think that they that they're taking initiative, that they have an idea of what it means to get better.
And you may recognize, you know what, there's some other things that you need to really understand and lock into because there are things that you're not owning and [00:16:00] you're holding yourself back in those ways.
Gabe Nosseir: I think one is having those honest talks with you know, from the coach to have those honest talks with those players. And I remember having them and saying individually, like, Hey I I would always take time during a season in the middle of the season and then at the end of having an evaluation.
And that's a great time to do it because there's one thing to do it during a training session and kind of snapping at a player and saying you're not doing enough and you need to be doing this and that they're not going to receive that information very well in front of others.
But if a coach is able to have a one on one sit down, which takes time and dedication, but I felt it was very necessary for me personally to do that with my players. You know, when they're in a calm state outside of practice and you're just having a conversation and to give them a list of like, Hey, this is what I see and one thing that I found out I didn't do this quite so much as.[00:17:00]
a coach, but I learned that I started doing this later when I was doing evaluations for my business for my employees, I would have them rate themselves. And then I would rate my I would rate them on the same exact sheet and kind of compare because sometimes athletes think like, this is what I'm doing, I'm doing all this hard work.
And then You know, when somebody tells you like Hey, you're actually, this is how I see you then it can kind of bring them into a little bit sense of reality. And sometimes, unfortunately, they have to hear that message over and over and over again. And that's. Part of life is you know, eventually it's got to come from the player.
You know, parents can only say so much coaches can only say so much. But eventually, hopefully it hits players. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
Ross Romano: Yeah. So kind of looking at, I guess, the process of coaching individuals, coaching teams you know, you talk about transformative coaching, right? I would love to, I would love to start just [00:18:00] by having you kind of define that for us and then talk about like how you are evaluating, right, whether coaching is transformative and what the objectives are in that.
Gabe Nosseir: Well the transformative coaching I do is. Is not on the field as much as it is working with individuals more one on one, kind of like in a conversation or sometimes in a group setting. And the whole idea, of course, it it goes in the word, to get them to transform, right? And a big part of that is to increase their self awareness.
And to help them understand more about themselves, because just like I said, when you are kind of going through life and you think you're doing things that are benefiting you and then all of a sudden you have some sort of insight that somebody tells you, or that you realize it yourself, you can kind Say all of a sudden, like, oh, man, I thought I was this and doing this to help me, but I [00:19:00] realize I'm actually not.
And so now what can I do? Right? So it's all about increasing awareness. And that's where I go back to a big part of that is to understand Of the power of their thoughts and the awareness of their thoughts and like I said earlier when we start to become aware of our thoughts, we can just kind of recognize that they'll come in and just let them go out and shift our focus back into the present moment.
And I always push athletes to have a high level of intensity and a high level of focus because we have these two parts of us. We have our. Our essence, which is our higher self, it's operating in our higher good, more from our high, our heart, and then we have our ego, we'll just use that word, it's really the false self that is always tricking us.
It's always trying to keep us safe by living in fear. And so when we can recognize that part of us, we can shift [00:20:00] back into that higher level of intensity and higher level of focus, which brings us into the present moment.
Ross Romano: Yeah. How do you, so like as a coach, how do you, or how would you know, if you haven't been in say the head coaching position for a while here, but you're focusing on, of course, this holistic view of the athlete and helping players to become their best selves. Off the field, how would you go about assembling a coaching staff and how would you recommend to other coaches who are listening to this who want to really be able to focus on a lot of the things you're talking about and spending that time in relationship with players and helping them to overcome those personal obstacles to focus in on the mental game to also have a Staff that has complimentary strengths and that really supports the technical aspects and the strategy and the training and all those different parts you know, which I think could be, which is important, right?
And it's 1 of the most [00:21:00] important things I think of. Coaching, but any leading any type of organization is choosing the right people to surround you, the people who will make the whole greater. And you know, something that's not that easy to do, I think as well.
Gabe Nosseir: I think it depends on, it starts with knowing oneself. really deeply and also what the person is capable of doing. I'll speak from my experience when I worked as a head coach with probably the best coach, assistant coach for me. I knew what I wanted to do. I brought, he was one of my best friends and we knew each other really well and he respected what I did.
I respected what he did, but what I wanted to do is I wanted to focus in on kind of the, if we were working on tactics, I wanted to be able to just focus in on that. I didn't really want to focus in on the warmup, the technical thing, the technical stuff at the [00:22:00] beginning especially when we were getting ready for a big tournament.
You know, so my friend would come in he would do the warm up do like all the technical stuff to get them sharp with their skills And then they would come over to me where I was on the field and then I would focus in on the tactical stuff and then he would do the closing the kind of cool down and stretching at the end and it worked Magnificently because I could just sit there and I'd tell him hey This is what we're going to work on and he would come up with something that matches that because as a coach, you know you want your?
Your session to flow. So if we're working on something with soccer with let's just say combinations in the middle of the field or something like that with the midfield midfielders and short passing, whatever it is, then, you know. The the, he, my friend, for example, would do something with, like, short passing and all the things like that.
So with, when I started coaching high school I wasn't, when I got bumped up to varsity, I wasn't the head [00:23:00] coach on varsity. The coach he knew the game adequately. But he brought me in and he said, you do all the practices, whatever you want to do, and he kind of managed the team and it was a great.
It worked out great. I would come in there. He would deal with the parents. He would deal with all the stuff I didn't want to deal with. And I could just go in there. I could bust out my session. You know, and then that was it so it depends on the experience of the coach You know if you want, you know at the higher levels you're gonna want somebody that's gonna push you it's gonna know the game and teach you as well.
So there's a lot of different factors. But Overall, it's gonna you know, what I would always suggest is, you know Somebody who's gonna speak to the kids with respect who's going to be an extension of you who you can work with and go from there.
Ross Romano: Yeah, what about those parents? Well, they also have a part to play In you know in helping their young athletes be successful. What are the some of the things that [00:24:00] parents should be? looking for asking about in Determining whether a particular program is the right one for their kid, whether they're whether it's the right coach.
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah you know, parents play obviously a huge, huge role in their sports and their children. And it's It's a hard thing as a parent to be able to just trust in the coach. And even when you kind of do they're it depends on how much money you're paying it so a lot of parents have a belief that the more they pay, the more influence they should have on what the coaches do or the coaches are doing for their children.
You know, it's, And they can make it or break it for their kids and I've seen a lot of parents unfortunately have negative influence on their children it's a I understand I'm a parent, I was a parent of an athlete and I also dealt with a lot of parents so I feel like I was a pretty laid back parent you know, which was much the [00:25:00] appreciation of my daughter that she liked the way I handled it and just kind of let her do her thing but to me, the.
If I have a son who's not really into sports, he's into music, which is actually great for me. But let's say he was into it and he's younger and if he liked soccer I would it all depends on his goal, right? If he wants to be a high level player you have to look at high level teams.
And you have to go and observe and this always comes down to population and the number of teams and number of coaches you have around you because in New Mexico, there just aren't very many teams playing at a very high level and that's just the way it is due to population. You go to South Southern California.
It's a different story, right? But if I were a parent doing it all over again, I would go and I would watch coaches and how they train their team, and how they speak to their players, and do they speak with respect, because there's this balance, right, of you want to be demanding [00:26:00] but respectful at the same time.
Overall, coaches are teachers. They're there to teach. They shouldn't be there to berate and to bully players. And so you can tell a lot about the character. of a coach by how they are handling adversity in games and in practices.
Gabe Nosseir: Are they actually teaching? How organized are they on the field? You know, a lot of those things will determine so much. And there's a wide variety of coaches out there. So but overall, this. A coach has so much impact on the character of children that that's what I think a lot of parents don't look at, is how is this going to benefit my child as a human being, not just as a soccer player, basketball player, or anything.
You know, they're can this person be an extension of me? Are they a good moral character? Are they law abiding? [00:27:00] Are they respectful to the referees? Or do they communicate with their parents? What are their expectations? You know, there's so much that goes into it. I think a lot of parents are like, they look at, oh, this is the best team.
We've got to be on this best team because they're going to get a lot of these opportunities. And sure, that's part of it. But ideally, you want to have somebody with a high moral character. (ad here)
Ross Romano: Certain mistakes that parents seem to make either in prioritizing what are the most important things they should be doing versus shouldn't be doing. I think there's there's stuff like. Right, being, like, overly involved in certain ways, or certainly, like, having contentious relationships with coaches, those kinds of things, but I'm thinking stuff that's less.
Maybe less obvious than that, or less commonly commented on, but just in terms of the sporting landscape keeps changing. Right. And what it means to be in a [00:28:00] good program, or maybe relating to taking the time to really or where should they be? Those kinds of things versus always, I guess. Starting with, let's look for the elite program and only go for that. There's a variety, it may or may not align with I guess what the kid really wants to do.
Gabe Nosseir: That's a big thing and sometimes children will just tell their parents what they feel like they want to hear and you know, a lot of that goes, obviously starts with the relationship with the parent and a child. And I've seen it to where. You know, the parents come from fear, sometimes, and when they're having when they're, quote unquote, causing problems on a team which I've had to deal with parents who did that you know, who would come up to me right after games if something they didn't like happened, or I even had one, [00:29:00] one time pin me down in an elevator at a hotel right before, right as I was heading to a team meeting before this big tournament and kind of go off on me before the tournament even started.
And back then I just kind of was forceful back at them with my words and then as I grew as a human being and I started to see on the exterior was this anger and aggression towards me, but deep down there is a fear inside of it. Right. And now if I was in those situations, I would hopefully be able to be more calm and say, Hey, what's really behind this?
You know, you're fearful it seems like you're fearful that your son's not going to get this opportunity to display himself and go to college or could affect his future with this. And so you need, I'd like for you to. and let me do my job in the moments that may be a little bit harder, right?
But it all boils down to Parents being able to [00:30:00] trust in the journey of their children, because there's so many times when they freak out and say can say like, Oh, I'm fearful. This is coming from the unconscious, of course, right? The unconscious is saying I'm fearful. My child is not going to succeed.
So now I'm going to go and say this and I'm going to do this. Right. So it becomes about a parent and understanding themselves. And that's when I work with parents, I try and help them understand that their child has their own journey and the becomes this balance of letting them have their experience and being in the car with them as they drive.
But to kind of make sure every once in a while that they're keeping their eyes on the road. You know, instead of grabbing the steering wheel as they're driving.
Ross Romano: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's, I'm sure it's easier said than done. I mean in some ways. I guess being a coach then prepares you for the parenting side of it, not only in [00:31:00] the sense of having been on the other end of those parent coach interactions and knowing what it's like when you're having a tough time with the way parents are are approaching it, but also in terms of understanding, like, You can't guarantee success.
You can't control it past a certain point. You can do the things you can do to appropriately remove obstacles and to provide guidance, but it comes down to The player is ultimately going to determine their success their level of interest, their level of commitment, their level of ability will reveal itself, right?
And you know, same thing from the parent perspective. Of course, it relates to everything about parenting, not just the sports side of it, but the same thing where as much as that natural Inclination that natural instinct might be there to say I want to make [00:32:00] sure my child is successful here.
Sometimes, like you said, the way to do that has to be knowing when to. Back off knowing when to say I've done what I can do. I've created the conditions here as much as I can. I've supported getting into a good environment or you know, driving to practice all the things that the parents need to do, but I can't.
I can't make my child love a sport they don't love, I can't make them more talented than they are, I can't make them show up and give their best effort, or whatever it may be, right, I can only provide encouragement I can try not to do things that detract from them. their enjoyment or their ability to participate, but I can't make it happen.
Gabe Nosseir: Absolutely. You, the love, you're right, it has to come from [00:33:00] within the athlete. And parents can't make them, can't make their children love things, but they can make them Dislike things very, very easily based on how they're communicating and with their children, then that's the bottom line is like you can make them hate it, but you can't make them love it.
Ross Romano: You know? Yeah. I mean, I imagine there's
not totally modern and it varies across sports, but it's a lot of ways there's that push toward early specialization in a lot of and heightened competition for getting placed in the best. Getting on track for the best travel team, the best university whatever the case is According to the sport that happens a lot sooner than kids are really ready to make those decisions about, is this the thing I really want to commit [00:34:00] my life to?
I was just reading an article today. I don't follow tennis too closely, but the women's American player, Madison keys just won the, Australian open and it was her first major when she's. I think just turned or about to turn 30. She went pro at 14. All right, and had really early success and I think at 19 was in the u.
s Open final and was you know had these expectations of being one of the great players and certainly has had a great career but it never, you know reached the level but it said in the story that I think She started playing really high level competitively at 10 and at you know at age 10 Started playing when she was four.
At age ten, she told her mom that she This is what you wanted to do like full time play tennis and her mother said, you kind of have to prove it to me first. But at 12, they moved to Florida to be at a higher training facility. And she went pro at 14. You [00:35:00] know, and I guess this was a case. I don't without knowing the whole story of the kid somehow determining that this was what she really wanted to do and certainly seems to have stuck with it.
But if you were to see that, right, as a parent of a kid around a similar age that you felt like had a high level of ability, and you know how early a lot of these You know, eventual professionals end up really committing to that. I guess you could feel a lot of pressure around that, even if you don't really feel like, is this age appropriate?
I don't really want to put this level of pressure, but if I don't really try to put these resources into it by the time my kid is 18, it might be. Too late given the sport they're in and whether or not that's actually the case I guess that introduces a lot of other pressures and stressors and a lot of those clashes when every single thing that's happening [00:36:00] and same thing happens.
Academically in school, right, where the kids in second or third grade, and if they get a bad grade on a test. Oh, well, is this going to affect their the high school they can go to or the college they can go to? And it's just all these micro pressures starting at a really young age. And it's not.
An excuse for some of the behaviors, right? But it's kind of environmental factors that explain maybe why it feels like it becomes more and more common today than saying, Oh, well 30 years ago, nobody, nobody worried about that. And whether or not that's totally true. It was just very, Yeah. Very different, or at least there was the belief that you could maybe find your own way,
Gabe Nosseir: no, there's the landscape has changed. And I think a lot of it. I mean, I believe has to do with the amount of money that they're paying, right? [00:37:00] And you're right, there's this belief that you have to specialize at such a young age and that's totally dependent on the sport, you know? Like, for ice skating, figure skating, and gymnastics, those athletes have to peak early, you know?
At like 14, 15 years old, for the girls especially.
Ross Romano: you know,
Gabe Nosseir: So, but sports like soccer a little bit different yeah, you have to have a foundation of skill a certain age, but coaches these days are looking for kind of more of the late bloomers because. Kids get burned out so much and I've seen you know I stopped coaching a few years ago and I can't keep track of the like the landscape of youth soccer anymore Because there's so many different Leagues that are going on now and events.
It seems like you know teams are in like three or four different leagues nowadays. And when I could, last time I coached a [00:38:00] full team we had our local league we were in and then a regional league and a national league. And then that was it and and those other two leagues, the regional league and national league were just very few and far between but kids, it seems like are just going.
to so many events now, which equals so much money, which equals more pressure, because the parents want to see some kind of return on their investment.
Ross Romano: right?
Gabe Nosseir: And so in reality, the elite of the elite is very, very few kids and you know, it becomes very complicated because you want to provide you your kid says, I love soccer.
I wanna become a professional. I mean, it's hard to say no. Okay, let's not, we're not going to put you in those environments and give you those opportunities and especially if You know, it's a little unrealistic and the parent doesn't realize how unrealistic it is but ones who have experience and I think that's the beauty of soccer and the way it's evolving in the United States is that it's starting to become multi generational with soccer players [00:39:00] where what I mean was my parents, even though they weren't from the United States, they didn't play soccer and a lot of the people I played with, their parents didn't play soccer, but a lot of the people that I played with, They obviously played soccer and now their children are playing soccer and their children are going to play and it's just going to keep spreading across the country.
So hopefully the knowledge does increase and we'll be like, Oh, I don't really know if my child has it to become a professional player, but I'm still going to put them in the right environment to be a successful high school player. You know, and I think that's changed the landscape as well. I feel like there used to be a lot of focus on playing high school sports, and that was kind of a very special thing.
And now it's like, no, you got to play club, right? Because that's what's going to get you to college. So things have definitely shifted.
Ross Romano: What does ethical? Communication look like for coaches and you know, given what you mentioned, especially the money involved And I've had some conversations here with, for example, high school [00:40:00] basketball or football coaches about how do you manage the dual roles of being both the current coach to the athletes on your team and needing to encourage them and set them up for success, right?
And really give them confidence in themselves with also maybe being the only person they have access to. Who has enough experience, knowledge of the sport and expertise to give them an honest evaluation of their potential beyond where they are right now, right? You have a young athlete who says, okay, I want to go and play in college, or I want to play division 1, right?
And you might feel like I have a strong sense that you're more suited for division 3 and I want to give you good. Guidance I don't, but I don't want to take away your belief that you are able to succeed here. And in [00:41:00] this case, even more so with the money involved, right? To be able to say, look. Let's set real expectations for what we think we can achieve here with this program.
And let me not, like, basically take your money from you with you having the belief that this is going to lead to a professional career. If either it's too early to tell, and it's just not something we can promise here. Or if I really, I'm just not really feeling like that's likely, right? I think we can raise the level of success.
I think we can aim for appropriate goals, but before you sink everything into this It's really important that you not expect that and but I'm sure in cases where that for some coaches, depending on what their role is, and especially if they're a private coach, right? And that's how they make their [00:42:00] living.
You know, maybe it's not always easy to have those conversations, but quite important because right. As you mentioned, it's like, it can really, really, particularly for families who don't have a ton of money, it can really be a real investment.
Gabe Nosseir: Yeah, and that's where the coach needs to communicate his or her expectations, right, of the communication. And I don't know if a lot of coaches do that. And that was something I made sure and I did with my teams is said, okay, this is what this year is going to look like. You know what the team is already about.
We're a highly competitive team. These are the tournaments that we're gonna go travel to, so you can expect to pay money to do this, start planning the dates and as far as communication with me, this is when it's okay to communicate and what to communicate with me about. You know, this is when it's not okay to communicate with me.[00:43:00]
And to set kind of those expectations is gonna be really helpful for Not just the coach, but the parents and the players as well and I think that's kind of a lost art is that open communication, because just like you said, right, they're sinking a lot of money into a product, right, a product that there's no guarantee of any kind of return on their investment either because there's so many variables, including the energy of their child.
You know, that they need to put into it. So it's a very, very challenging task to be a coach and to be able to communicate. But you know, sometimes all you can do is just be crystal clear with your communication ahead of time. And for parents who don't know the what kind of team this is it may be coming to be like, Hey, this is kind of where we're going with this team.
We're the B team in this club so if you want to try out for the A team, go try out for the A team, or whatever it [00:44:00] is.
Ross Romano: Yeah. Awesome. Well, it's been a great conversation game. And I think one that a lot of listeners of a variety of roles are going to take a lot from. And I would love to close it out by maybe providing like a final. You know, inside or take away that hopefully resonate with our listeners across the board.
And I know that you've not only coach, but also interviewed a number of professional athletes. And I'm wondering if there's like, an impactful insight that you've heard that you feel like would be a great thing to leave our listeners with.
Gabe Nosseir: Overall the podcast, basically every player that I interviewed, every athlete they wholeheartedly love their sport. Right, and it came from themselves and their parents, very few of them had a pushy parent who pushed them to be what they were. It had to come from within them.
So that's kind of one [00:45:00] for the athlete. Now the one that's probably the most impactful one, That I still carry with me today as a parent and I try and navigate this fine line is that kids today, and this came from Ashley McIver, who was an Olympic gold medal skier from Canada. She won the gold medal in the Vancouver Games in 20, I believe it was 2010.
Forgive me if I'm mistaken with the date, but she said that kids these days are under so much pressure from their coaches, from their teachers, from their teammates, and from themselves. that the last place they need pressure from is at home. And that really like, it hit me hard because so many parents pressure out of fear.
Now this is not to say to be loose and kind of just like [00:46:00] have no expectations, no boundaries. Kids still need boundaries and kids still need expectations, but pressure to perform in sports is completely different thing.
Ross Romano: Yeah. And in particular, you have to really be able to understand the amount of pressure that the kids already put on themselves, right? And the amount of pressure they're already feeling and that. Adding to that or telling them the same thing when they're already feeling it how counterproductive that can that could be right.
And with the sports, even if they're not necessarily putting that much pressure on themselves, it probably means that. That's what their relationship to the sport is. So then trying to add the pressure is not necessarily going to be a positive either. But it is it is a great insight from someone who has had that level of success and I'm sure has [00:47:00] experienced it, or at least whether from the positive or negative side of it understands that you know, you can get to this level and, but.
I did likely didn't become a gold medal skier because of the pressure. Other people were putting on me. It was because of her drive and determination to do so and and to persevere and stick with it and be able to go through all the things that are required to get to that level. Very hard to do without suffering burnout under the best of circumstances and then when there's those pressures and belief in that you're disappointing people or just anything that is diminishing any.
Potential joy you can get from the pursuit. Right? Very hard to see it through.
Gabe Nosseir: It is and you know, overall, big picture, there's so much more to [00:48:00] life than sports sports are beautiful platform for growth and evolution and teaching in so many ways, but you know, it all comes to an end at some point and all you're left with are the lessons that you had and also the relationships that you form.
You know, and when you can focus on those in the moment, and remember the big picture of that, that there are so many ways to experience life on this planet and sports are a very sacred thing, and that's when you can approach them from love as an athlete, and that's that's the key to it, is to perform from a place of the heart, instead of the the mind and the brain and Needing or believing that you have to be special and you have to perform because that's just coming from the thought if you can just focus on Loving the sport [00:49:00] loving to compete Loving to train loving teammates even loving opponents, and just focusing on that energy so much more will come.
I don't care if you win or lose So much more will come from that attitude
Ross Romano: Yeah. Awesome. Well, that's a great way to end this conversation. I think it's a really beautiful way to drive things home here and to take away a lot of the lessons we've talked about for coaches for parents. Things that athletes themselves, I'm sure can learn from. So share this with those other folks in your life who would benefit.
And please do also subscribe to sideline sessions. If you're not already, we're going to continue to have conversations with coaches from across the sporting landscape, a variety of coaches, backgrounds and just all kinds of topics that we know are beneficial to you. Gabe, thanks so much for being here.
Gabe Nosseir: for us. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much [00:50:00]
