Quick Lift: Exact Phrases for Hard Conversations at Work (Feedback, Pushback, and Speaking Up)

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Have you ever played a conversation in your head
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and thought, whoa, that came out totally wrong?
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Or you said nothing when you really should have?
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Yeah, same. We all have. This quick lift is for
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those moments when you need to say the hard things,
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but you don't want to be the villain in the story.
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Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift, the under
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10 minute episode where we turn big insights
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into small, repeatable moves you can actually
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use this week. I'm your host, Betsy Hamm. Today,
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I'm recapping my conversation with Sarita Mabin,
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communications expert and author. We talked about
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how to say what you mean, mean what you say,
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but it doesn't have to be mean. I'm going to
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recap the key takeaways and give you specific
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action items so you can try this in real life,
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whether that's with your boss, your team, your
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partner, or even your kids who've perfected the
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infamous whatever response. Let's get into it.
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Key takeaway number one, use air so you're clear
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and not cruel. Sarita shared her air framework
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for tough conversations and it's so easy. A is
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awareness. Start by assuming they don't know
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there's a problem. I'm not sure if you're aware,
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but here's what I've been noticing. So often
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we get upset with somebody and we don't even
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address to know if they know it's an issue too.
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I, impact. Explain what happened because of it.
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When this happens, here's the impact on the team,
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the timeline, the customer. And R, request. Ask
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for something different and be specific. So an
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example of using air. Going forward, I like to
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request that you be here on time, loop me in
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earlier, send the report by. Instead of stewing
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in resentment, or as Sarita put it, it's like
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taking the poison and waiting for the other person
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to die. You give the other person a clear runway.
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With air, you have, here's the issue. Here's
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why it matters. And here's what to do. So action
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item this week is just write one air script.
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Think of one person you're low key annoyed with
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right now. I know you probably don't have to
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think that long. But then write your script awareness.
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I'm not sure if you realize but I've noticed
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Impact the impact is and request what I'd really
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appreciate going forward is you don't even have
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to say it It's just practicing it So when the
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conversation does come up you feel more comfortable
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being able to address it Getting out of your
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head and into a script just will make it feel
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a lot less scary Next key takeaway your words
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can be firm without being finger waggy Serita
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talked about how quickly we can slip into blame
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mode when we say things like you never you always
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you need to that's verbal finger wag and Spoiler,
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nobody even hears the message. It just feels
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like an attack So she suggests two big shifts
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swap you which is blaming for I or we which sounds
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like ownership So instead of you need to be here
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on time Try, I need you to be here on time so
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we can start the meeting without backtracking.
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Or, we need everyone here by nine so we can stay
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on schedule. Same boundary, still being addressed,
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but it's less battle. So action item here, think
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of one situation and again practice. This is
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going to take a shift or an adjustment to the
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way that you're thinking about approaching your
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communication and it's going to take some practice.
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Next key takeaway, drop the qualifiers that shrank
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your authority. Okay, this is one that women
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definitely struggle with more and qualifier is
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when you're sitting in a meeting and you have
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a great idea and you start your sentence with
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this might not be important or this is probably
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dumb idea or I'm new here I don't mean to offend
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you whatever it is you're putting a qualifier
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on whatever you're going to share next and you
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may think you're being polite or it's an easier
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way to break into conversation but it's actually
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undercutting your authority before you even make
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your point and when you don't sound confident
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and you're really unsure what you're saying Why
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is your audience going to believe you? You don't
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sound like you believe yourself. So think about
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how you're presenting your ideas or even asking
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questions in a meeting, whether it's just a team
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meeting, a staff meeting, or even a one -on -one
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with your boss. You want to make sure that you're
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speaking with confidence and you start your idea
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clean. I think we should move forward with this
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direction. That's it. No qualifiers, no beginning,
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no buts, no being uncomfortable in your seat.
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Just own your thoughts and your ideas and your
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points. Action item here is, if this is something
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that you know you struggle with, think about
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what you can say instead when you typically say
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it. If there's one that you seem to use as a
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crutch more than others, be aware of that and
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figure out what you're going to replace it with.
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And then the second part of this is get an accountability
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partner. Again, this is a great thing that if
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you're in a meeting with a lot of the same people
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or somebody you have a good relationship with,
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Say to them, hey, if you hear me using these
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qualifiers, will you let me know after the meeting?
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Not during the meeting. Don't want to be so confused
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or concerned about it at the time, but just someone
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to help hold you accountable and make you aware.
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Being aware really is the big step and then what
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you're going to replace that with. Next key takeaway,
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Sarita talked about using the twins. I noticed
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and I'm wondering, I love this. This is literally
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gold for calling out behavior when you want to
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come in hot. So often we can get very defensive,
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we can attack people, we can come in aggressive
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or hot and which really isn't going to be a productive
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conversation if that's our approach. But instead,
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if we say we're noticing and wondering, it's
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just a little bit more unarming. I noticed the
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deadline passed and we didn't get the report
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and I'm wondering what happened. or I noticed
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you sighed when we mentioned this project and
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I'm wondering what your concerns are. You're
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not accusing, you're inviting, and you're still
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going to get what you're looking for, but it's
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just in a much less accusatory way. So action
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item here, again, just upgrade one line. Think
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about a situation where this would be helpful
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and write out the script or practice in your
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car. Some people do better when you write things
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down and think about it. That's great. Or sometimes
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just having the conversation out loud in the
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car, in the shower, wherever, by yourself. Sure,
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you're talking to yourself a little bit, but
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it gives you that practice to, again, start to
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feel more comfortable and start to change your
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thought or your perspective of how to approach
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communication. Next key takeaway. Stay curious,
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especially when feedback stings. Now, this one
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really should hit home for leaders because her
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example was when one of the people on her team
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gave her negative feedback about her management
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style. And when someone does give you negative
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feedback, especially about you or maybe something
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you're doing, it's really easy for us wanting
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to explain why we did something or defend. Of
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course, I'm notorious for getting defensive,
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so we're not listening and we're not really taking
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that feedback. And Sarita said that have a different
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approach, have a different role. When you get
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negative feedback, ask for more. And this really
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ties into what Lindsay spoke about a few episodes
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ago. We're asking your team, how can you be a
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better manager? And they're going to probably
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give you feedback that maybe you don't love.
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So ask for more of it. Say, how do you mean?
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Can you give me an example? Can you tell me more
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about that? Now, I will say there's a caveat
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here saying, how do you mean? Or can you give
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me an example? I can say that like, well, how
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do you mean? I can sound curious. Or could you
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give me an example? Still I'm sounding curious,
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but I could sound very. How do you mean with
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my arms crossed and rolling my eyes and moving
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my head and just being physically upset about
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it? So you can't come across defensive in your
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tone or your body language. So this is all part
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of it. This is one to be careful with, but stay
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calm, stay relaxed, make sure your tone and body
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language are a point and then say, Can you give
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me some examples? It just sounds curious, but
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you have to stay genuine. That is the big warning
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sign on this one. Action item, welcome the feedback.
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If you've been avoiding a situation or conversation
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like the, how can I be a better manager? What's
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an area of opportunity for next quarter? Ask,
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do it. And if you're in control of starting the
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conversation, it's a lot easier to be. emotionally
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prepared. Sometimes if somebody just comes in
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hot and gives you feedback that's negative and
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you're not prepared for, they can really catch
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you off guard. But if you take ownership of that
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conversation, then you can go in with the right
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mindset of being open, being calm, being curious.
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From Sarita, we learned a lot. We learned about
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air, the awareness impact request, so you're
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clear, not cruel, protecting the relationship
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and your authority with the I and we language,
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which also included stronger statements and phrases
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like I noticed and I'm wondering. And lastly,
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to stay curious, even if it stings, ask for more,
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don't defend and let email be set for follow
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up and not your battlefield. You don't have to
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choose between saying nothing and being mean.
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There's so much room in the middle and that's
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where real leadership lives. If this quick lift
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was helpful, share it with a friend or a teammate
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who's joining a tough conversation. And if you
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haven't listened to the full episode of Sarita's,
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please do so. As always, until next time, stay
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loud, stay lifted and say what you mean in a
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nice way.