Do You Choose Joy or Do You Sabotage It

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You're listening to WGSN-DB, Going Solo Network, singles talk radio channel,
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where we take a lighthearted and candid approach to discussions
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on the journey of relationship loss, divorce, parenting, being single,
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relationships building, dating, and yes, sex. Join our listeners and
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begin living your best life.
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Do you choose joy or do you sabotage it? And
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nobody would choose to sabotage something, certainly not on purpose
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or consciously. And Barry and I are going to talk
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about some of the ways you might be unconsciously sabotaging
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a possible joy in your life in general, and certainly
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in your dating life, since that's what we talk about
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a lot.
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Yes, we will.
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So Barry and I'd like to welcome you to the
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new streamingnetwork.com, WGSNDB, Going Solo Network, radio, TV, and podcasts.
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Number one, Internet Singles Talk Radio. And this is Let's
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Talk Dating with Christine and Barry. Hi, Barry.
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Hi, Christine.
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Well, there is a segment of the population that doesn't
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seem to relish being happy or joyful or having a
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smooth life. And God love them. I prefer not to
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have that in my life very much. People like that
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and also feeling that way. And generally, I think most
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people would like to have more joy, more peace. more
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connection more happiness and it's sad how ways we don't
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even realize how unconsciously we really can sabotage having a
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joy-filled life in most of the time and relationships and
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how when things start climbing up you're like but it
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was so good and then what happened so I think
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that's going to be a lot about our conversation today there's.
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A couple things I want to add to that which
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is yeah in some cases I know there are people
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who when they get into a relationship it's like the
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initial feeling they have in the relationship, saying that's as
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good as it's gonna be, from here it's downhill sort
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of thing, and they have that mindset, so it's never
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gonna be great, which is not the best way of
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approaching it. And just a sidebar, relationships can always get
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better and better and better if you do the work,
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but that's another topic entirely. But the other one is also,
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I've had this experience quite a lot recently with people
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I'm talking to who are single, because that's obviously the focus,
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who when it comes to dating are very pessimistic. They're
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always feeling like the dating pool's either too big and
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they can't find somebody, or it's not what they want,
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Or it's like, is there any point to this? There's
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a lot of mental traffic jam going on that's negative
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in their heads about what it's about. So they don't
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feel very much joy about dating in general. And to
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be honest, dating apps are not the most joy-inspiring applications
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of time and effort either. However, what we bring to
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the conversation, what we bring to dating, what we bring
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to the apps even, has a lot to do with
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how we experience them, which we'll get into.
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Yes. The negative atmosphere, the climate, we were complaining about
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climate a little, so the dating climate is fraught with
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people feeling and saying there's only scammers, there's no good people,
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all the good people are taken, it's too much work,
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it's not fun, I'm feeling discouraged, I'm just going to
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give up. I certainly don't want to use apps, but
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I don't know what else to do. And even when
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I go do that, there's nobody there. And it's not
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that there isn't truth to all that, that there are
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those things happening. It's just not all. And the more
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we say all, the more we're going to believe all.
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It's just the way it works. We talked about the
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reticulating activator system a few weeks ago, that what we
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concentrate on We're going to notice. It's not that we're
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attracting more of it. It's that that's what we're paying
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attention to. So we're going to notice it. So part
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of this conversation today is what can you concentrate on
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that could bring you more joy? And then how can
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you then for sure be comfortable having some joy? Because
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if you think it's only going to fall apart and
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be awful, you could easily sabotage well, it's getting too good.
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It feels too good. It can't sustain. I think it was,
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I'm not sure who it was, but they said, it
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might be it was Brene Brown, where our fear is
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not to be loved, but that we could sustain it
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and that we're not great enough, but that we could
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be too great. Because I think people will think, oh
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my gosh, then there's so much pressure. If it gets
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really good, It's one of the things that if you,
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I'm a Dancing with the Stars fan. I do like
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watching the show because I was a dancer at one
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point in my life, headed for professional. And when you
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get to the top of the leaderboard, as they call it, well,
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then everybody's after you. Where if you're second or third,
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then people aren't focusing on you as much as if
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you're the top. So if you want to be the top,
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then you have to be okay with people are going
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to come after your record. Okay, just keep doing your best.
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But it's a lot of pressure to, oh, my God,
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there's this great person and we're having a good time.
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But what if it falls apart? And what if I
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screw it up? And what was that thing they just said?
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Is that a problem? And I think that that's so
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the caveat, the underlining subtitle to this title today, that
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we need to just be aware of. not to give
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ourselves a hard time and go, oh yeah, that's kind
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of a human condition. Even the cock-eyed optimist that I am,
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that I temper it with realism, that it's important to say, yes,
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it could fall apart. And what am I going to
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do about it? And how am I going to survive?
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And how am I going to not cause it on purpose?
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And if I see myself causing it on purpose, how
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do I make a turn away from that? Because we
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do it so often in our lives, and especially it
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seems harder and more prevalent in our romantic.
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Lives i would say yes and speaking on one instance
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about the um the scammer thing that people talk about
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um as i said before in the show i'm single
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and on the dating app so i do experience and
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express and participate in the same thing other people do
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as well but i had something happen actually on linkedin
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of all places that a friend of mine at least
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i thought was a friend of mine reached out to
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me that she wanted to put me such a friend
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of hers who was in la and wants to make
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some new connections that sort of thing so i thought
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okay you're fine reach out to her. Well, the person
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asked me to do it with WhatsApp, which first of
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my radar went off. I was like, WhatsApp? Okay, interesting.
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So I went into WhatsApp to communicate with this person,
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even though her number was a local number to LA.
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I was going, okay, my spidey sense was tingling, shall
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we say. The thing was, is that the person I
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know on LinkedIn who referred me to this other person,
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I also know on Facebook. So I messaged her on
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Facebook saying, did you send me a message over LinkedIn?
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And she said, no, it wasn't. So I went, okay,
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great scam. Because it turns out LinkedIn has this detection
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system now that when I went back to look at
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the message, it didn't say her name, it just said
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LinkedIn user. And some of the communications, it was like
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put in red and overwritten it as saying something like
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protected or something like that. So it was like, it
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was really looking like suspicious. But the thing was, and
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I blocked both, both the LinkedIn account and also the
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one on WhatsApp. But the thing was, there was almost
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a joyful satisfaction that I got of Like I didn't
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fall in the trap. And so there's something part of
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me that enjoys playing that game because I know scamming
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is horrible. People get taken for a ride and people
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lose lots of money. But if you are present to
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what's happening and you notice those spidey senses tingling, because
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we do have intuition and inner guidance, where we actually
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tune in and then respond accordingly, there's a certain level
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of joy that comes forward because we know that the
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game they're playing didn't get us, that we're free of that.
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But I'll speak to one other thing as well because
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I had an experience recently, actually last Friday, as I
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said in the show before, I'd been volunteering at this
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food organization. We distribute food on Fridays. We set up
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a campus. And I had an appointment on Friday where
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I couldn't do my normal shift or the other shift.
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It was right in the middle of both shifts. I
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couldn't set up. I thought, well, you know what? I'll
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come in early and help out just to set up things.
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And so it makes it easier for my crew that
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comes in later on. The one who runs it, and
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it's funny because she had an interesting dance. It's a
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very interesting communication we have. It seems like we play
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a lot of each other and we have fun. That's
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what I thought. So when she said to me, no,
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we don't need the help. You can't volunteer at this time.
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She was smiling at me in a way I thought,
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is she messing with me or not? And I thought
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she was messing with me. So I thought, you know what?
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I'm going to go help us out anyway because I'm
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not going to stay. I'll just do it and get
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out of the way. When I almost finished setting everything
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up so that people coming in after me would actually
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have a lot easier job, she came up to me
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and said, can I have a word? I went, okay.
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And she had a word with me and said, you know,
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When you came up to me earlier, I said, no.
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And I said, I thought you were joking, honestly. I said, well, no,
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I wasn't. And so that was inappropriate. You crossed the line.
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And so you're going to get suspended for a couple
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of weeks. So I'm not volunteering this. I'm not volunteering tomorrow.
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The thing was, when it happened, part of me just
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stepped back and had a really big view of what
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was going on. Because what she was doing was holding
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the line. She was being in her integrity because she
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runs the show. This is the rules. I broke that rule.
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I didn't think I did at the time. But now
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looking back, I go, absolutely, I did. But the funny
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thing was, is when she said that, a part of
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me just sort of got detached and let go. And
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I felt this sense of ease and joy happening, even
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though I wanted to be there and make a difference.
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And I also felt that I'd done something wrong, which
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I had in a way. I didn't go into guilt
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or shame or any of that sort of stuff. I
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didn't try to defend myself. I initially wanted to, and
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I said, you know, shut up. But part of me
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was actually, and it's like, I just smiled and said, okay, understood.
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And then I left. Now, going back five, six years ago,
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that wouldn't have happened so easily. But again, progress and
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the journey continued. so learning to be better off. But
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what I got from it, though, was that I didn't
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have to do things a certain way. Like, if I
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got turned off at something, it is their choice, not mine. Like,
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I don't have to be carrying the weight of that.
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You know, the mistake I made didn't hurt anybody. In fact,
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it added value because people's jobs were easier later in
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the morning. I don't know what the experience was because
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I wasn't there. But the sense I had was it
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was an ease in it because when I walked away,
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I knew even though I was in the quote, the wrong,
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I'd done good work. And I was happy about that.
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I felt joy about that. So, because again, the old one,
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the old part, we've all been sabotaging like, oh, I've
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crossed paths, I've made mistakes, I did something wrong, I
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upset her, all these different things. Like, no. I actually
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felt clean about it because I acknowledged the fault took
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responsibility left and I was okay with it and it's
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those sort of instances where I find myself in a
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great level of joy because it feels like I'm like
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winning at life in a way it's like I'm doing
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something that even though I'm not getting what I really
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want I'm not losing either and I think in the
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dating game just to bring back to what we're talking
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about is that when we have opportunities where we go
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on a date and we don't get what we want
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can we be joyful about it rather than can we
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feel like we're going to undercut and sabotage and start
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begging or beseeching the person we're dating is like, you know,
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you got it wrong and this was a mistake. Like, no,
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can you be clean about it? And that for me
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is probably the, one of the biggest pivots I've made
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myself and what I teach people as well and remind
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people about is we have choice points every single step
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of the way, how we respond and how we are.
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And if we can choose joy, choose being the key
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word here, when we choose joy in the moment, we
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can have a much less painful experience, a much more
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positive experience. And frankly, we walk away clean and we
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have less baggage to carry around in life.
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I love your story so much. Yes, because we always,
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unless it's an emergency, have a choice.
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Yes.
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How we think, how we react, and the best thing
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that that I would say that people need to really
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start with that you did was you noticed, oh, look
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how I'm feeling about this and how she's feeling about this.
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And we're both having very real, honest feelings. And both
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of us have really good reasons for our real honest feelings.
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And we both can be okay with having our real
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honest feelings. And even though they're different. And yes, I
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came and made a difference. even though it turns out
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I wasn't supposed to be here. And she said, yeah,
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you know, this is my boundary and you can't come
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back for a couple of weeks, but we'd be happy
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to have you come back after that. So I am
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going to bring up the Mel Robbins book because that
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is so much about what her let them book is
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all about that. You just go, well, this is who
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she is. I respect she's running the place. She knows
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the rules. There was totally a misunderstanding, which makes total sense.
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And it doesn't make either of you wrong or bad.
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And then you say, oh, And then I'll let me,
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because that's the other part of the philosophy of that book,
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be okay about this. I'm not going to beat myself up,
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but she's not beating me up. She's just saying, here
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it is. And you went, here it is. And the
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more we can do that in our lives, which in
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varying degrees, it's harder or easier, depending on how much
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it touches us in a vulnerable place or trauma place
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or ticks us off and how close and emotionally affected
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we are by these people. the more we can notice
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and go, oh, we're both just doing our thing and
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it's so not personal. In this instance, there was nothing
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personal about you. You were not a bad person. You
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didn't do a bad thing. You just said, well, yeah,
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I stepped outside the rules and I get that there's consequences.
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And then you still got to say, but look at
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the difference I made while I was there. And more
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times that we go, Oh yeah, I noticed. And look
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at how far I've come because as human beings, we
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know this very, because we do this and our clients
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do this, but I want to be here. I want
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to be better. I want to do better. Great. I
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think that's a terrific thing to think about, but not
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the only thing. The part of it is, look how
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far I've come. When you say six months ago, this
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would not be, or five years, this would not be happening.
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I would be recriminating. I'd be mad at her. I
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might quit. I mean, I'm putting words in your mouth,
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but there could be all this turmoil. That could go
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on for days or weeks or months or years with
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some family members to say, no, I think I can
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let it go. I think I've processed it all and
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it's clean enough and I won't worry about it from
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now on. And the more we can learn to do
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that as human beings, the less sabotaging we'll do. Because
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even when it's clean, there's still no sabotaging. You could
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still say, gosh, you know, I didn't realize that was
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the rule and I don't think I like that rule
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and I think I'll leave. But that's not sabotaging. That's going, wow,
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I really do understand this is a boundary I can't
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be part of. So that's what people need to get
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better at, giving and receiving, I think.
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Absolutely. In fact, it's funny because one of my passions
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is really about having emotional balance or emotional maturity in life.
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And this is a reminder of that. I mean, again,
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I've done this work over years and years and get
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better and better. And I've watched people. where I've not
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made the same faux pas as I've done in the past.
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And as you said about, you know, in the past,
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I reflected immediately on this thing I was having a
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conversation with a couple of days ago with a friend
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of mine about 15 years ago, where I got totally
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blown out because somebody accused me of something that wasn't true.
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And I got very defensive and I got very upset
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and it became an old thing. So this was just looking,
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just comparing those two instances, I was just realizing, oh,
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hang on a second. there is a part of me
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that's gotten better at this. It's a nice lesson to learn.
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But also, I've been talking a lot about the emotional
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maturity piece, the emotional mastery piece, because I actually got
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inspired or provoked to do a couple of videos I
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did earlier this week. And if you follow me on
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social media, any of the platforms, not on YouTube yet,
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but on all platforms like TikTok, Facebook, all those places,
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which I'll tell you about at the end of the show,
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I did post a video everywhere One was about the emotions,
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not the boss of you, meaning of dominion. But then
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I went a bit further because I said something at
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the end of that video, which might be the next one,
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which is the question of the title was, who is
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your puppet master? Who controls your emotional strings? Because part
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of the journey of choosing joy is that you have
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dominion ownership of your own emotional experience. So when somebody
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says something, does something, doesn't do something, doesn't say something,
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you don't react to that. And we talked about this
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before on the show about reaction versus response. Excuse me.
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And so understanding that our emotional experience is all ours
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to have dominion over, that we don't have to be
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reactive to anything outside of ourselves unless we choose to.
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But of course, we don't know. We didn't always get
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taught that as a kid growing up. So we don't
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know we can do that. That's why I did the
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video to say you have dominion. You can choose differently.
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Is that then we can choose joy. so that when
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we're on dates or in any relationship, like we talked
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about earlier about family, family relationships can sometimes be the
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most challenging ones to be around because of history and
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interlocking patterns and all these other things that we grew
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up with. When we can bring joy, not to be
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laughing at people, but to be joy inside, so you
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can be autonomous and have ownership of your emotional state
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around those challenging uncles and aunts and kids and family
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members that you maybe don't get along with, that's when
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you know you're winning.
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And part of the point that I really agree with
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is when we notice our reaction, we are having a reaction,
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a normal human reaction. And we've got really good reasons
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for reacting this way to just stop and notice, wow,
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this is a really big reaction. Why am I having
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this reaction? What is it touching inside of me? That's
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a wound. What that's happened from a long time ago
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and this person just touched on it. And what is
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it about what the way they said it or they
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did it to just see if even not right now,
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you can't do it because there's so much emotion and
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later make an appointment with yourself. And I do this
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with clients because we talk once a week about let's
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go over the things that happened this week about how
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to get yourself re-regulated. Oh yeah. That's why I had
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that reaction. Oh, I can see. And wow, I mean,
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I have to distance myself from this person because there's
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no way this isn't going to happen again. Or I
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could learn to say something different or I could just,
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you know, poo poo it because it was a one
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off thing. So to honor that you're going to have
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these reactions and that they're normal human, there's no way
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we're never going to not have them. And that what's
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so amazing is when you now do that process, what
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I hear at the end is I feel better. I
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feel better because I went through it. I feel better
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because I've now processed it. And now you've moved more
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in the joy area where if we start recriminating ourselves,
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which is almost worse than recriminating another person, then we
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sabotage that potential of feeling better afterwards. Where I did,
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I handled this. I went through it. I've now made
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better decisions for me and who I'm going to be around.
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So doing this process that we're talking about, and we're
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going to continue after a break, would, make the rest
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of your life, all the areas of your life, have
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less of the sabotaging temptation, which will then give you
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more chance for joy. What do you think?
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That's a good idea. And let's get to that break
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so we can get to the next half of the
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show because there's more to talk about.
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I know. We have so much more to talk about.
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Yes.
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We're going to take a short break. And if any
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of this is resonating with you, oh yeah, I have
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these people that push my buttons and oh my gosh,
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I don't know what to do about it. And I
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keep sabotaging. Why is it that I get somebody nice
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at some of the day? Why do I get somebody
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really nice in my life? And I end it. Well,
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that is a very important conversation. And if you would
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like to have that conversation with me, like she did,
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the way to find me is through my website, which
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is theperfectcatch.com. And you scroll to the middle of my
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homepage and there's a form called What's Holding You Back
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From Love. It's a brief questionnaire of what's bothering you,
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what isn't working, and what would you like better. And
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then you have access to my calendar and you can
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schedule a call with me on the phone or on Zoom.
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And I promise we'll get to the bottom of some
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of it. And you can walk away with some helpful tools.
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And then if you would like to talk with me further,
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we can talk about that as well. You can also
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send me a private email at christineattheperfectcatch.com. And how would
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people reach you, Barry?
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Well, similar to Christine, you can go to my site
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and find out how you can get in touch with
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me by going to barrysoe.com. And at the top of
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the homepage of my website is a button that says,
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let's have a chat. Click on that button and it
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will take you to my calendar and also to a
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form you fill out, which basically gives me a sense
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of where you are and what you're looking for and
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why you're not working, just so we can have a
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starting point for conversation. Then we get on Zoom, have
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a 20-minute chat, 30-minute chat, depending on how long we go.
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And I make sure you leave it certainly with content
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and value you can use, but also a I can
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see where maybe you need some help and I can
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offer suggestions of what you can do. And we see
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if we want to work together. Simple as that. And
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we'll tell you all about the ways you can reach
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us besides that at the end of the show.
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And your email.
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Oh, yes. You can send me an email. Thank you.
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At barrybarrysoe.com. And the rest of it at the end
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of the show.
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And we're going to take a short break for our
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00:21:51.470 --> 00:21:55.950
wonderful station that distributes this wonderful video as well as
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00:21:56.029 --> 00:22:00.680
our podcast, thenewstreamingnetwork.com. And we'll be back shortly with more
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00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:03.279
of Let's Talk Dating with Christine and Barry talking about
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00:22:03.640 --> 00:22:06.359
do you choose joy or do you sabotage it? We'll
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be right back.
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Welcome to NewStreamingNetwork.com. The future of streaming is here. Looking
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Hi, we're back with Let's Talk Dating with Christine and Barry,
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and we're talking about do you choose joy or do
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you sabotage it? One of the things I said before
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the break is I have certainly heard over these 17
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years of coaching the people who will they'll break up
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with somebody before the person can break up with them
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and it's it's something that has been set with you
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with childhood it's often the attachment style thing and it's
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sad and tragic and it's often a worthiness and a
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lack of value and barry and i talk about this
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all the time and It's something that we're happy to
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help you work through because it's going to just keep
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getting in your way. The other thing that happens is,
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could I really be that happy? Could I sustain that
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much happy? How much pressure is it to keep another
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person happy? I think that's a lot of reasons that
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we do sabotage and send things away, even when they
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are the best for us. And the thing that also
475
00:23:59.289 --> 00:24:03.950
happens is we don't send things. bad things away because
476
00:24:04.170 --> 00:24:06.670
it feels like that's what we deserve or it's all
477
00:24:06.710 --> 00:24:09.329
we know. And then it doesn't make room for better
478
00:24:09.390 --> 00:24:11.670
things to come in. And I will recommend a book
479
00:24:11.710 --> 00:24:15.619
at this point. It's too bad to stay, too good
480
00:24:15.670 --> 00:24:18.240
to leave. It's a tiny little book that's filled with
481
00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:21.019
all this information that just gives you kind of a
482
00:24:21.059 --> 00:24:25.299
nice overview about this. And that's what coaching is about,
483
00:24:25.400 --> 00:24:27.519
is to help you get to the bottom of that.
484
00:24:28.130 --> 00:24:31.029
to stop doing the same thing that you've been doing forever.
485
00:24:31.109 --> 00:24:33.710
And as Dr. Laura says, between now and dead, how
486
00:24:33.730 --> 00:24:35.369
do you want to live? Wouldn't you like to live
487
00:24:35.410 --> 00:24:36.910
with more joy? Right, Barry?
488
00:24:37.369 --> 00:24:39.130
Yeah, that's so true. I mean, and that's the thing
489
00:24:39.210 --> 00:24:43.279
is I do know the experience and also have worked
490
00:24:43.299 --> 00:24:45.339
with clients who have gotten to the point where their
491
00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:49.019
upper limit of happiness was so low, as in they
492
00:24:49.039 --> 00:24:51.849
didn't know how much more was available to them. And
493
00:24:52.109 --> 00:24:54.529
I was having a conversation about a week ago with
494
00:24:54.549 --> 00:24:58.160
somebody about this, about having a, opening to receive joy
495
00:24:58.200 --> 00:25:00.640
and be that more open. And for me, it was
496
00:25:00.660 --> 00:25:03.480
not just spiritually experiencing. It was so overwhelming in a sense,
497
00:25:04.140 --> 00:25:06.660
but it rewired me. It opened my circuits up so
498
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:10.980
I had more capacity to enjoy and experience joy. And
499
00:25:12.470 --> 00:25:14.210
I've talked about this in the show before about, you know,
500
00:25:14.289 --> 00:25:15.869
be happy for no reason is one of those mantras
501
00:25:15.910 --> 00:25:18.369
I love sharing because you don't need anything outside yourself
502
00:25:18.390 --> 00:25:20.930
to change your life for you to get happy. So
503
00:25:20.950 --> 00:25:23.670
you can be happy anytime. Joy is in the same vein,
504
00:25:23.690 --> 00:25:25.910
although joy is not something that's an emotional level so much.
505
00:25:25.950 --> 00:25:29.680
It's more about a conscious way of being, being joyful
506
00:25:30.500 --> 00:25:34.500
is a choice point. And so you, as I said,
507
00:25:34.519 --> 00:25:36.720
do you choose, you know, do you choose joy choice point?
508
00:25:36.740 --> 00:25:39.640
It's like an obvious, but let me look at the
509
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:41.630
logic of that one. But the sense of it is
510
00:25:41.690 --> 00:25:43.569
that joy is something you can have as a way
511
00:25:43.589 --> 00:25:47.450
of life. And when you can, as I told you
512
00:25:47.470 --> 00:25:50.710
about the emotional maturity, when you can choose to have
513
00:25:50.869 --> 00:25:53.109
a more conscious way of being a more caring way
514
00:25:53.130 --> 00:25:54.789
of being in the world in a way of joyful way,
515
00:25:54.809 --> 00:25:57.940
being the way being in life, It is not dependent
516
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:00.700
upon your dating life, your relationship life, your business life,
517
00:26:00.759 --> 00:26:04.140
your financial accounts, any of that stuff. Joy is a
518
00:26:04.200 --> 00:26:07.700
choice you can make right now if you want. To
519
00:26:07.720 --> 00:26:10.470
have more joy in your life, there's not circumstance dependent.
520
00:26:11.509 --> 00:26:14.349
And so when you have joy, what I love about
521
00:26:14.450 --> 00:26:17.130
having joy, and it's for me one of these more
522
00:26:17.210 --> 00:26:19.630
present feelings I've had and I get to experience in life,
523
00:26:20.250 --> 00:26:24.250
things that happen around me have very, they have minimal impact. Yes,
524
00:26:24.289 --> 00:26:26.269
they might get my attention because something goes wrong with
525
00:26:26.289 --> 00:26:29.390
the car or something else happens. It's inconvenient. It's annoying.
526
00:26:29.410 --> 00:26:31.549
But it doesn't overwhelm me or go, oh, no, my
527
00:26:31.589 --> 00:26:33.450
car's breaking down sort of thing because that's what used
528
00:26:33.490 --> 00:26:37.329
to happen. And so I've learned over the years to
529
00:26:37.410 --> 00:26:41.710
maintain a more centeredness around things that may not go
530
00:26:41.769 --> 00:26:46.309
so well because even when I'm coaching with people, their
531
00:26:46.369 --> 00:26:49.289
trauma they may be going through is something I have
532
00:26:49.329 --> 00:26:51.069
great compassion for and a great space to hold for them.
533
00:26:51.490 --> 00:26:54.750
But I don't get traumatic myself. I can still hold
534
00:26:54.829 --> 00:26:57.230
joy for them. It's not like, oh, you shouldn't feel
535
00:26:57.250 --> 00:26:59.410
that way. No. But it's the joy within me that
536
00:26:59.569 --> 00:27:03.410
is like the anchor at the high point to lift
537
00:27:03.450 --> 00:27:04.730
them out of the place they've been in so they
538
00:27:04.750 --> 00:27:07.279
can choose differently. So joy is a powerful place to
539
00:27:07.319 --> 00:27:09.359
be and a way of living that I think is
540
00:27:09.599 --> 00:27:11.319
very underrated and definitely recommended.
541
00:27:12.819 --> 00:27:17.019
Definitely underrated. And the thing is, I've learned that lots
542
00:27:17.059 --> 00:27:19.240
of people have a set point that they're not even
543
00:27:19.319 --> 00:27:22.589
aware of that. No matter what's happening around them, they
544
00:27:22.690 --> 00:27:25.829
just can't get past it. And that's what the work
545
00:27:25.890 --> 00:27:28.769
is about is to get past it. Often I'll coach
546
00:27:28.869 --> 00:27:32.519
men who will say, she doesn't believe me. I tell
547
00:27:32.539 --> 00:27:35.019
her how beautiful she is, how much I love her body.
548
00:27:35.099 --> 00:27:37.359
And she just go, yeah, she can't believe it. And
549
00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:40.059
she pushes back. And I said, because she has a
550
00:27:40.119 --> 00:27:43.250
set point and you cannot raise it. You can keep
551
00:27:43.289 --> 00:27:45.910
doing it, have at it. But she's the person that
552
00:27:45.950 --> 00:27:48.910
has to move the set point. She has to move
553
00:27:48.970 --> 00:27:54.039
the ceiling on. how much joy, compliments, self-confidence she can feel.
554
00:27:54.500 --> 00:27:58.680
And so sometimes they'll, what my carrot I dangle is,
555
00:27:59.190 --> 00:28:02.289
tell her that I want to learn more about you
556
00:28:02.650 --> 00:28:05.089
from her point of view, because that's really the truth.
557
00:28:05.670 --> 00:28:08.309
And so he'll pay for her to come and we'll talk.
558
00:28:08.710 --> 00:28:12.349
And sometimes the woman is open to seeing, oh, you
559
00:28:12.369 --> 00:28:16.390
could feel better just for yourself, much less in this relationship,
560
00:28:16.470 --> 00:28:19.549
if we could raise that ceiling. But I really do
561
00:28:19.589 --> 00:28:22.630
learn from their point of view about the fella. But
562
00:28:22.769 --> 00:28:27.509
it's really sad, both men and women, for all the
563
00:28:27.630 --> 00:28:33.519
really good reasons who don't know the capacity they have
564
00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:37.160
to have more love, more joy, more happiness in their life.
565
00:28:37.640 --> 00:28:40.299
And it's kind of fun to have them learn, oh
566
00:28:40.339 --> 00:28:43.119
my gosh, I had no idea. I think I've said
567
00:28:43.160 --> 00:28:46.410
this before, that one of my favorite book movies plays
568
00:28:46.470 --> 00:28:49.539
was Auntie Mame. And she said, life is a banquet
569
00:28:49.579 --> 00:28:52.819
and most poor suckers are starving to death because we
570
00:28:52.859 --> 00:28:55.039
don't know. And if you don't know what you don't know,
571
00:28:55.599 --> 00:28:58.859
come here and at least you'll have a choice of, yes,
572
00:28:58.920 --> 00:29:00.819
I don't want that. Oh yeah, I think I'd want that.
573
00:29:01.339 --> 00:29:04.220
Because you don't even know the buffet's available. You think
574
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:07.170
the menu only has one page and really it has
575
00:29:07.210 --> 00:29:08.170
a whole bunch of pages.
576
00:29:08.809 --> 00:29:09.910
Yeah, like the Cheesecake Factory.
577
00:29:10.910 --> 00:29:14.549
The Cheesecake Factory. Used to be Fridays, but now Cheesecake has,
578
00:29:14.769 --> 00:29:17.390
it's spiral bound. There's so many pages and we don't
579
00:29:17.430 --> 00:29:21.779
realize our life could have more wonderful pieces to it
580
00:29:21.819 --> 00:29:24.660
if we just knew how to access the other pages.
581
00:29:25.160 --> 00:29:27.680
Absolutely. That's what we're here for in a way, is
582
00:29:27.720 --> 00:29:29.910
to be that reminder to people, not just to coach
583
00:29:29.950 --> 00:29:32.650
them and guide them, but to remind them what's possible.
584
00:29:32.829 --> 00:29:34.910
Because unfortunately, a lot of people in this world have been,
585
00:29:34.930 --> 00:29:37.089
I was going to say beaten down, but that's the
586
00:29:37.109 --> 00:29:39.599
previous term, but they've chosen to have a less joyful place.
587
00:29:39.619 --> 00:29:42.180
Like you said, their set point's very low. And for me,
588
00:29:42.220 --> 00:29:44.759
that's one of the things that is, to be blunt,
589
00:29:44.819 --> 00:29:46.400
kind of sad to see. I'm not going to buy
590
00:29:46.420 --> 00:29:49.420
into it. But I have compassion for people who have
591
00:29:49.460 --> 00:29:52.200
had that set point set solo because of their upbringing,
592
00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:55.440
past relationships, abuse, challenges, things about their lives that didn't
593
00:29:55.640 --> 00:29:59.200
work out for them. Frankly, when I meet friends, especially
594
00:29:59.220 --> 00:30:02.490
people who've done the work who overcome that, it's almost
595
00:30:02.519 --> 00:30:04.200
like you're lating to know them, to be a friend
596
00:30:04.220 --> 00:30:07.559
with them. It's like what they've overcome just humbles me.
597
00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:11.140
And I just feel so joyful about them owning their
598
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:13.519
own joy. And that's a right for every one of
599
00:30:13.539 --> 00:30:15.809
us to have. So if you're feeling stuck, definitely either
600
00:30:15.849 --> 00:30:17.130
one of us, we would love to support you in
601
00:30:17.150 --> 00:30:18.690
that for sure. We'll see you again at the end
602
00:30:18.730 --> 00:30:20.829
of the show and you can reach us. But the
603
00:30:20.849 --> 00:30:23.630
key I want to say though, is that you may
604
00:30:23.650 --> 00:30:25.809
look at your own life and just start thinking, but
605
00:30:26.730 --> 00:30:27.890
if you were living in my shoes, you wouldn't be
606
00:30:27.910 --> 00:30:28.910
able to do this and do that. It's like, I
607
00:30:28.930 --> 00:30:31.890
don't agree with you. I have seen people who had
608
00:30:31.910 --> 00:30:35.609
the most challenging life physically or emotionally or financially or
609
00:30:35.650 --> 00:30:39.359
any other way who maintain joy throughout. And the level
610
00:30:39.380 --> 00:30:43.259
of joy transcends everything. And frankly, when you do choose joy,
611
00:30:43.319 --> 00:30:45.759
your circumstances tend to change along with it because the
612
00:30:45.859 --> 00:30:48.740
energy you carry inside yourself becomes a magnet for things
613
00:30:48.759 --> 00:30:51.019
that align with it. So if you're always depressed and
614
00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:54.220
feeling like you started judging your own life, like you said,
615
00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:56.119
you said only about the risk of reactivity system, you're
616
00:30:56.140 --> 00:30:58.019
aligned to that way of doing things to keep you
617
00:30:58.059 --> 00:31:00.170
in a sort of response. If you choose joy and
618
00:31:00.190 --> 00:31:02.589
move into joy as a way of intention and choice,
619
00:31:03.329 --> 00:31:05.190
then your life will start to mirror that around you
620
00:31:05.210 --> 00:31:06.829
to get more and more confirmation that joy is the
621
00:31:06.849 --> 00:31:07.349
right choice.
622
00:31:09.019 --> 00:31:12.019
Yep. And that's a nice thing to be addicted to.
623
00:31:12.579 --> 00:31:12.799
Yes.
624
00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:20.519
So we both know that you have really good reasons
625
00:31:20.759 --> 00:31:23.039
for the hard things that happen to you in your
626
00:31:23.059 --> 00:31:24.980
life and the way that you currently feel.
627
00:31:25.799 --> 00:31:26.210
We get it.
628
00:31:27.259 --> 00:31:30.039
What I've learned is that I When we start working
629
00:31:30.059 --> 00:31:32.000
with people, I said, I'm going to sit here in
630
00:31:32.099 --> 00:31:36.000
my chair in Fullerton and hold the belief that it'll
631
00:31:36.039 --> 00:31:39.500
be different. You don't even have to believe it. What
632
00:31:39.539 --> 00:31:42.549
you need to do is to go do the things,
633
00:31:43.190 --> 00:31:46.150
even though it's hard, even though it's uncomfortable, go do
634
00:31:46.190 --> 00:31:48.690
the things we talk about. And then we'll talk the
635
00:31:48.750 --> 00:31:51.710
next week about what worked, what didn't, what was too hard.
636
00:31:51.910 --> 00:31:58.140
Maybe it's a baby step. Because always, always, if this happens,
637
00:31:58.220 --> 00:32:03.119
if I say, take this little tiny step, come back within,
638
00:32:04.220 --> 00:32:06.119
I'm going to say three weeks, often two, but three
639
00:32:06.140 --> 00:32:10.059
weeks they're like, oh my gosh, things are different. Things
640
00:32:10.140 --> 00:32:12.920
are changing. I'm so much happier. I'm having so much
641
00:32:12.980 --> 00:32:17.730
more fun. And it's not that these big, huge things are,
642
00:32:17.769 --> 00:32:21.029
they're not like falling in love, but they're more comfortable
643
00:32:21.089 --> 00:32:24.609
in public. It's easier to talk to people. They've had
644
00:32:24.730 --> 00:32:27.470
more viable people show up in front of them that
645
00:32:27.509 --> 00:32:30.109
they would want to talk to. in a dating situation.
646
00:32:30.690 --> 00:32:34.970
And the only thing that changed was what you were
647
00:32:34.990 --> 00:32:38.990
believing inside and acting. First year, I had a therapist
648
00:32:39.079 --> 00:32:41.599
once who said, in a good way, wear the mask
649
00:32:41.619 --> 00:32:44.500
because it'll eventually become the face. So that's what you do.
650
00:32:44.539 --> 00:32:47.400
You go practice as if, you practice as if, just
651
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:54.150
keep practicing because pretty soon you'll get enough confirmation that
652
00:32:54.289 --> 00:32:56.869
what you're giving out is now coming back. And then
653
00:32:56.910 --> 00:32:59.430
the people that were not good for you are just
654
00:32:59.450 --> 00:33:01.670
going to walk on by because they're not attracted to
655
00:33:01.710 --> 00:33:05.019
that anymore. And you will then internalize the same belief
656
00:33:05.259 --> 00:33:07.769
that I've been sitting here holding for you. It's such a,
657
00:33:08.319 --> 00:33:09.200
it's one of the joys.
658
00:33:10.619 --> 00:33:12.519
It is one of those things of having a self-fulfilling
659
00:33:12.539 --> 00:33:14.839
prophecy in a way that we have such a high
660
00:33:14.880 --> 00:33:18.420
regard for our clients that they, once they can't help,
661
00:33:18.509 --> 00:33:20.769
but they tend to align to that without any effort
662
00:33:20.789 --> 00:33:23.349
when they start realizing how amazing they are. And it
663
00:33:23.450 --> 00:33:26.089
is this challenge that most people who, don't go to
664
00:33:26.130 --> 00:33:29.309
coaching or support or counseling or anything else miss out
665
00:33:29.349 --> 00:33:32.009
on the opportunity because to have somebody in your corner
666
00:33:32.029 --> 00:33:33.769
who holds for you to see you in the best
667
00:33:33.809 --> 00:33:37.019
possibility what you can have is a gift that basically
668
00:33:37.130 --> 00:33:39.230
is priceless in a way because the the power of
669
00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:42.039
that will change lives i mean that's that's why that's
670
00:33:42.079 --> 00:33:43.720
why we both know you and i do this work
671
00:33:44.420 --> 00:33:45.779
and frankly that's one of the things that makes it
672
00:33:45.819 --> 00:33:47.380
so selfish for us because we get to get so
673
00:33:47.400 --> 00:33:49.759
much joy out of being of service it's almost like
674
00:33:49.940 --> 00:33:52.019
and i get paid for this but but in a
675
00:33:52.019 --> 00:33:55.059
sense it's also The ripple effect is so cool, too,
676
00:33:55.099 --> 00:33:57.099
because when we do help somebody find their own joy,
677
00:33:57.880 --> 00:34:00.960
that joy then becomes contagious in that person's life. So
678
00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:05.500
the propagation of that experience is a contagion, like, you know,
679
00:34:05.819 --> 00:34:07.960
it's the best addiction there is. Like a contagion, it
680
00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:10.199
has that power to change lives on a much bigger scale.
681
00:34:10.900 --> 00:34:14.440
So choosing joy, it can feel like a selfish act,
682
00:34:14.460 --> 00:34:16.820
especially in circumstances where everyone around you is not feeling it.
683
00:34:17.699 --> 00:34:19.579
But like you light a candle in the darkness, the
684
00:34:19.599 --> 00:34:23.070
light spreads. And when you have that joy in your heart,
685
00:34:23.110 --> 00:34:25.840
the way you live your life, people around you will tend,
686
00:34:25.920 --> 00:34:27.880
as you said, either to fall away or they will
687
00:34:27.900 --> 00:34:30.019
start to go, I'm curious, how do I get there?
688
00:34:30.840 --> 00:34:32.420
And then you become the light that attracts more light,
689
00:34:32.480 --> 00:34:33.500
which is such a gift to give.
690
00:34:35.699 --> 00:34:38.119
Yeah. It's like you drop a pebble in a still
691
00:34:38.179 --> 00:34:43.090
pond and you have no idea where the concentric circles come. Yeah.
692
00:34:43.110 --> 00:34:46.210
For the first time now, I have a fourth degree
693
00:34:46.250 --> 00:34:50.159
of separation client, gave me a referral, gave me a referral,
694
00:34:50.199 --> 00:34:54.179
and now I'm getting the fourth. It's so fun. Because
695
00:34:54.219 --> 00:34:56.380
I've done where they've given me referrals in the family,
696
00:34:56.420 --> 00:34:58.429
but these are like friends of friends of friends that
697
00:34:58.489 --> 00:35:03.489
nobody in the beginning knew. So it's really so exciting
698
00:35:03.550 --> 00:35:06.530
to see each of their pools of people are now
699
00:35:06.550 --> 00:35:09.110
going to get advantage of them being in a better place,
700
00:35:09.230 --> 00:35:13.829
feeling more productive, feeling more self-confident, feeling more joyful. having
701
00:35:13.889 --> 00:35:17.510
more positive things, able to maneuver the things when it
702
00:35:17.550 --> 00:35:19.550
turns out that it didn't work out. How do I
703
00:35:19.590 --> 00:35:23.059
maneuver it better? It, it really does gets me up
704
00:35:23.340 --> 00:35:27.840
every day, every day. It's a very exciting world because
705
00:35:28.139 --> 00:35:30.519
the world is hard. There's lots of things that are hard.
706
00:35:30.820 --> 00:35:34.460
So if in your own body and your sphere of people,
707
00:35:34.840 --> 00:35:38.420
you can now keep having the joy and getting over,
708
00:35:38.659 --> 00:35:40.320
having a way of getting through the things that are
709
00:35:40.340 --> 00:35:43.800
hard because they are How do you have more stamina?
710
00:35:43.989 --> 00:35:46.309
How do you have more tools to just do the
711
00:35:46.349 --> 00:35:48.570
roller coaster? My friend used to say, just put up
712
00:35:48.630 --> 00:35:50.809
your hands because it's going to go down and it'll
713
00:35:50.829 --> 00:35:53.010
go back up just as fast as it went down. Oh,
714
00:35:53.030 --> 00:35:57.269
she was a hoot. I love that scene. So gosh,
715
00:35:57.530 --> 00:35:59.489
I think there's so many people in the world that
716
00:35:59.530 --> 00:36:02.429
are struggling with this. They're aware of it. Some people
717
00:36:02.489 --> 00:36:04.360
aren't even aware of it. Maybe this has helped you
718
00:36:04.400 --> 00:36:06.579
become aware of it. Like, oh my gosh, is that
719
00:36:06.619 --> 00:36:08.860
what it is? And I can do something about it.
720
00:36:08.880 --> 00:36:11.489
That's the next sentence. You need oh darn, this is
721
00:36:11.530 --> 00:36:14.730
what's happening and I can do something about it. That's
722
00:36:14.769 --> 00:36:17.230
why Barry and I are here. So I'd love to
723
00:36:17.269 --> 00:36:20.409
send you back to my website, which is theperfectcatch.com. And
724
00:36:20.449 --> 00:36:22.909
the reason I came up with that title is you
725
00:36:22.929 --> 00:36:25.409
learn how to be one first and then you'll attract
726
00:36:25.530 --> 00:36:28.849
one and they'll be attracted to you. So go to
727
00:36:28.889 --> 00:36:31.570
the middle of my page and there's a questionnaire. What's
728
00:36:31.610 --> 00:36:34.449
holding you back from love? Just click on that. There's
729
00:36:34.469 --> 00:36:37.989
eight brief questions. Tell me what's bugging you, what's not
730
00:36:38.050 --> 00:36:40.780
working and what, What you would like. If you don't
731
00:36:40.820 --> 00:36:43.019
even know, just put out what's bugging you. And then
732
00:36:43.059 --> 00:36:45.380
it'll give you access to my online calendar. And you
733
00:36:45.420 --> 00:36:47.960
can make an appointment with me to talk on the
734
00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:51.630
phone or on Zoom. And we'll puzzle out what's going on.
735
00:36:51.690 --> 00:36:54.130
And you'll walk away with a couple of tools. And
736
00:36:54.150 --> 00:36:56.449
then if we both decide that we'd like to work together.
737
00:36:56.489 --> 00:36:59.530
I had somebody write the other day. Are you taking clients?
738
00:36:59.590 --> 00:37:01.760
And what kind of interviewing process do I have to
739
00:37:01.780 --> 00:37:05.639
go through? I said, well, yeah, we choose each other,
740
00:37:06.019 --> 00:37:08.880
which was just, I was just touched. Yeah. You can
741
00:37:08.940 --> 00:37:11.199
also go to the top of my webpage and download
742
00:37:11.239 --> 00:37:13.679
my free book. And it's full of 10 years of
743
00:37:13.739 --> 00:37:17.280
my dating advice column that I'm getting really nice feedback
744
00:37:17.340 --> 00:37:19.800
of how helpful you can just hop around between the chapters.
745
00:37:20.440 --> 00:37:22.860
I'd also love you to join my mailing list. Then
746
00:37:22.909 --> 00:37:26.889
you'll get this wonderful podcast every week delivered to your mailbox.
747
00:37:26.949 --> 00:37:29.449
And you can watch Barry and I give you interesting
748
00:37:29.510 --> 00:37:32.260
thoughts about dating and relationships. And if you go to
749
00:37:32.280 --> 00:37:35.280
the bottom of my webpage, there's all my social media
750
00:37:35.639 --> 00:37:39.039
of Facebook and LinkedIn and Instagram and Twitter and Pinterest
751
00:37:39.119 --> 00:37:42.179
and YouTube. And if you click on YouTube, oh my gosh,
752
00:37:42.590 --> 00:37:45.170
there's Barry and I for the last six years and
753
00:37:45.590 --> 00:37:48.210
Frank and I for a year and me on my
754
00:37:48.389 --> 00:37:51.409
own all by myself, which I didn't do very many
755
00:37:51.429 --> 00:37:53.650
because they're not as easy for me as they are
756
00:37:53.690 --> 00:37:55.929
for Barry. Barry likes doing stuff on his own. I
757
00:37:55.949 --> 00:37:58.650
want to do this. And you could also send me
758
00:37:58.690 --> 00:38:02.860
an email at christineattheperfectcatch.com. And how would people reach you, Barry?
759
00:38:03.699 --> 00:38:05.500
Well, similar to Christine, I have a website, as I mentioned.
760
00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:07.469
My site is my name, so it's easy to find
761
00:38:07.510 --> 00:38:11.289
me at barrysilvey.com. And I talk about how basically, you know,
762
00:38:11.309 --> 00:38:13.469
you're going to become a better partner, to attract a
763
00:38:13.489 --> 00:38:15.329
better partner. So the same idea as Christine has, just
764
00:38:15.389 --> 00:38:21.550
not quite as eloquently described. But if you want to
765
00:38:21.570 --> 00:38:24.130
start the conversation rolling, at the top of the homepage
766
00:38:24.150 --> 00:38:25.389
of my site is a button that says, let's have
767
00:38:25.429 --> 00:38:27.269
a chat. Again, you click on that button, it takes
768
00:38:27.289 --> 00:38:28.760
you to my calendar where you schedule a time and
769
00:38:28.780 --> 00:38:30.960
date that works for you. We jump on a Zoom
770
00:38:31.000 --> 00:38:33.219
chat for 20 minutes, 30 minutes. There's a question that
771
00:38:33.239 --> 00:38:34.510
you fill out, so I know where you are, what
772
00:38:34.530 --> 00:38:36.590
you're looking for, and where I can help you. And
773
00:38:36.610 --> 00:38:38.309
we have a conversation that basically will get you inspired
774
00:38:38.349 --> 00:38:40.190
and move you forward. And if you want to talk
775
00:38:40.230 --> 00:38:42.329
about working together, we can have a conversation then. It's
776
00:38:42.369 --> 00:38:45.269
really simple and it's really easy, and there's no requirement
777
00:38:45.289 --> 00:38:47.969
you must commit to anything up front. You just tell
778
00:38:47.989 --> 00:38:49.179
me what's going on, and you see if you want
779
00:38:49.199 --> 00:38:51.900
to work. At the bottom of the homepage of my website,
780
00:38:51.940 --> 00:38:54.019
if you want to just join my email list, it's
781
00:38:54.039 --> 00:38:55.619
basically you put your name and email in right there,
782
00:38:55.639 --> 00:38:57.219
and you then become a follower of my emails where
783
00:38:57.260 --> 00:38:59.349
I send out a weekly email like this. The show
784
00:38:59.409 --> 00:39:01.030
is in the emails plus the things I'm working on,
785
00:39:01.050 --> 00:39:02.429
so you can join both our email lists if you
786
00:39:02.449 --> 00:39:04.840
want to. That way you get the replay of the show,
787
00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:06.539
but also you get to know what we're both up
788
00:39:06.579 --> 00:39:11.579
to individually and together. At the middle of the homepage
789
00:39:11.599 --> 00:39:13.039
of my website, remember where I am on my website,
790
00:39:13.059 --> 00:39:14.559
there's three places on my website that I'll send you
791
00:39:14.579 --> 00:39:17.420
to on the homepage. It's the first of my two assessments.
792
00:39:17.599 --> 00:39:21.110
I've created two assessments basically to help you navigate where
793
00:39:21.150 --> 00:39:24.090
you are on the dating relationship spectrum. So the first
794
00:39:24.389 --> 00:39:25.789
quiz I created, which you can go to directly if
795
00:39:25.809 --> 00:39:27.789
you go to barryselby.com slash quiz or click on the
796
00:39:27.809 --> 00:39:29.949
button in the middle of the homepage, Take care, too.
797
00:39:30.539 --> 00:39:33.119
what I call your relationship readiness assessment. Are you ready
798
00:39:33.139 --> 00:39:36.159
for a relationship? And basically asks you some questions and
799
00:39:36.179 --> 00:39:38.139
really gives you a chance to reflect on what you
800
00:39:38.219 --> 00:39:40.820
are looking for in a relationship. Then when you fill
801
00:39:40.960 --> 00:39:42.619
that out, you get an email from me giving you
802
00:39:42.639 --> 00:39:44.869
feedback and reflection on where you are and some invitations
803
00:39:44.889 --> 00:39:46.829
to talk about it further. If you want to go
804
00:39:46.889 --> 00:39:48.630
deeper than that, the second one I created, which is
805
00:39:48.650 --> 00:39:54.039
my self-trust assessment, It's really a self-relationship-focused assessment. You can't
806
00:39:54.099 --> 00:39:55.579
actually click a button for that. You've got to type
807
00:39:55.599 --> 00:39:59.539
in the link, which is barryselby.com slash self-quiz. And that
808
00:39:59.559 --> 00:40:02.900
takes you to a much deeper seven-section assessment. It's a
809
00:40:02.900 --> 00:40:04.360
much deeper one, so you've got to commit to this one.
810
00:40:05.070 --> 00:40:06.590
But it's seven areas of your life that really gives
811
00:40:06.610 --> 00:40:08.170
you a chance to reflect on your own relationship with
812
00:40:08.190 --> 00:40:10.730
yourself because, frankly, when you know the relationship with yourself
813
00:40:10.769 --> 00:40:12.510
is strong, you can have a relationship that's strong with
814
00:40:12.530 --> 00:40:15.360
somebody else. So you do that first. So that quiz
815
00:40:15.380 --> 00:40:17.409
will send you up, actually, not just an email from me,
816
00:40:17.420 --> 00:40:18.760
but you'll get a link to a PDF that has
817
00:40:18.800 --> 00:40:20.420
a bunch of great tips and guidance and steps you
818
00:40:20.440 --> 00:40:22.840
can take on your own as you want. They'll give
819
00:40:22.880 --> 00:40:27.199
you some really good self-reflective navigation tools. So I recommend
820
00:40:27.219 --> 00:40:28.909
doing that one as well. Do both quizzes.
821
00:40:29.010 --> 00:40:29.309
Why not?
822
00:40:30.449 --> 00:40:31.730
If you want to get my book, it's on the
823
00:40:31.769 --> 00:40:33.130
book page of my site. And you can either click
824
00:40:33.210 --> 00:40:35.690
on the link in the navigation or type in barryselway.com
825
00:40:35.710 --> 00:40:37.849
slash book. And that's the book on the shelf behind me.
826
00:40:38.769 --> 00:40:40.139
And if you want to check out what the book's
827
00:40:40.179 --> 00:40:42.019
about before you actually invest in buying it so you
828
00:40:42.059 --> 00:40:44.719
don't buy sight unseen... You can listen to a little
829
00:40:44.780 --> 00:40:46.579
audio track at the top of the page, which is
830
00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:51.800
a 12, 13-minute conversation between two voices that are very
831
00:40:51.820 --> 00:40:55.239
professional sounding, although they are AI-generated. But I did feed
832
00:40:55.280 --> 00:40:57.889
it my book, so the AI knows what my book
833
00:40:57.929 --> 00:40:59.489
is about. So when you listen to these two voices,
834
00:40:59.530 --> 00:41:03.469
they are astute and wise critics and reviewers of my book.
835
00:41:03.650 --> 00:41:05.969
So listen to them first. The links at the bottom
836
00:41:05.989 --> 00:41:07.489
of the page take you to Amazon, wherever you want
837
00:41:07.510 --> 00:41:10.369
to buy my book, either in a PDF format, in
838
00:41:10.449 --> 00:41:12.269
a Kindle version, or on the physical book on Amazon.
839
00:41:13.300 --> 00:41:14.860
If you want to find me on social media, you
840
00:41:14.880 --> 00:41:17.099
find me on all the regular platforms. My name is
841
00:41:17.119 --> 00:41:19.619
where I am on most platforms. So I'm under Barry
842
00:41:19.639 --> 00:41:23.519
Serby on Facebook, on LinkedIn, on Pinterest, on Blue Sky,
843
00:41:24.280 --> 00:41:27.659
on TikTok, and also on YouTube, where, like Christine, I
844
00:41:27.659 --> 00:41:30.139
have all these shows posted, and there's over almost 280,
845
00:41:30.139 --> 00:41:33.320
290 of these shows we've done together, plus well over 1,000
846
00:41:33.320 --> 00:41:34.840
other videos I've done. Yes, I've done a lot of
847
00:41:34.860 --> 00:41:36.619
solo videos. I did a bunch of Facebook Lives and
848
00:41:36.659 --> 00:41:41.190
now I'm on YouTube over 10 years now. So You
849
00:41:41.210 --> 00:41:44.349
can see my face change as well as hear my
850
00:41:44.389 --> 00:41:47.219
views and thoughts about masculinity, about relationships, about all sorts
851
00:41:47.260 --> 00:41:49.440
of things, about that sort of thing. So find me
852
00:41:49.460 --> 00:41:52.360
on YouTube and follow me there, definitely. You can also
853
00:41:52.420 --> 00:41:56.519
find me under the real Barry Selby on Instagram and threads.
854
00:41:57.400 --> 00:41:58.820
And that's all the other social media. And you can
855
00:41:58.840 --> 00:42:00.909
send me an email, of course, at barry at barryselby.com.
856
00:42:02.389 --> 00:42:05.690
And we return every Thursday at 1 o'clock Pacific and
857
00:42:05.690 --> 00:42:09.730
4 o'clock Eastern with another interesting topic about dating and relationships.
858
00:42:09.789 --> 00:42:11.889
And if you want to watch us on any of
859
00:42:11.909 --> 00:42:14.820
your devices, you can watch us on YouTube or Roku.
860
00:42:15.300 --> 00:42:16.739
But we're portable, right, Barry?
861
00:42:17.420 --> 00:42:20.260
Yes, indeed. Because people don't always have time to look
862
00:42:20.300 --> 00:42:21.639
at a screen, especially out in the world. You want
863
00:42:21.659 --> 00:42:23.440
to look where you're going to be safe. Just say,
864
00:42:23.599 --> 00:42:27.679
roll recognition. Look where you're going. A safety note. Don't
865
00:42:27.699 --> 00:42:29.639
walk into traffic. But if you're out and about and
866
00:42:29.659 --> 00:42:30.969
you want to find out more about what a show
867
00:42:31.010 --> 00:42:32.429
is about, you can listen to us as a podcast
868
00:42:32.449 --> 00:42:35.550
because our show is not only a video show on YouTube,
869
00:42:36.030 --> 00:42:38.289
it's also an audio show on all the podcast platforms.
870
00:42:38.510 --> 00:42:40.570
So you listen on Apple, Spotify, Amazon, wherever you listen
871
00:42:40.590 --> 00:42:42.650
to podcasts. You can take our show with you. You
872
00:42:42.670 --> 00:42:45.030
can browse through the titles, find ones that speak to you,
873
00:42:45.190 --> 00:42:46.570
or listen to all of them if you want, if
874
00:42:46.590 --> 00:42:48.199
you've got four or five days to spare at least.
875
00:42:48.900 --> 00:42:50.320
So you can listen to our shows and really go
876
00:42:50.360 --> 00:42:52.739
deep and dive on how to date and have better relationships.
877
00:42:52.820 --> 00:42:54.800
In fact, tell them they can also do with it.
878
00:42:56.710 --> 00:42:58.989
And we will be back next week with another interesting
879
00:42:59.030 --> 00:43:02.070
topic on Let's Talk Dating with Christine and Barry. Bye
880
00:43:02.090 --> 00:43:02.469
for now.
881
00:43:03.110 --> 00:43:03.469
See you then.
882
00:43:04.909 --> 00:43:10.320
You're listening to WGSN-DB, Going Solo Network, singles talk radio channel,
883
00:43:10.579 --> 00:43:13.760
where we take a lighthearted and candid approach to discussions
884
00:43:13.820 --> 00:43:18.079
on the journey of relationship loss, divorce, parenting, being single,
885
00:43:18.360 --> 00:43:23.159
relationships building, dating, and yes, sex. Join our listeners and
886
00:43:23.199 --> 00:43:25.179
begin living your best life.