WEBVTT
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Okay, welcome to FEFO and this episode is going to be on incels.
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It's going to be a different type of episode, first and foremost, because I'm on my own, and secondly, because partly because I'm on my own, it's going to be in a slightly different format and I'm going to take more of a storytelling kind of approach.
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So, and I might later on do another episode where I maybe throw in a more theoretical perspective or try to be a little bit more analytical about things.
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Um, but first and foremost, I wanted to do this episode where I just kind of tell a story.
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My story.
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And this is the story of three men.
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Three men who I would personally identify as incels.
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Obviously, we've all probably heard the term incel before, it stands for involuntary celebrate.
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Now, I don't just mean that these men are incels because they want sex and they can't get sex because one of them is married, and the other two I think were rather promiscuous at one point, but that was under particular circumstances, you know, which I won't go into.
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And secondly, I'm kind of identifying incels less of how they behave in their lives and more of a mindset.
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And that mindset, I would say, well, I'd say these men they're all similar to each other in the regard that they were all doing postgraduate degrees in chemistry at Kyushu University in Japan.
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However, in many regards, they're quite different.
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But the similarity that I think is significant is the fact that I think they all have this incel mentality.
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They were all quite nerdy, arguably conventionally less desirable to women, particularly two of them in particular.
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They're somewhat socially inept or recluse, possibly because they're kind of nerdy guys.
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But the two last points on why I think they're all in cells are the most significant to me.
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The first is that they blame women, they blame women for not wanting them, and they blame women for not allowing access to them because they feel entitled to them.
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And secondly due to their misogynistic violence, and I don't just mean violence in the traditional sense of you know um very active and physical violence, but psychological violence, emotional violence, manipulation, but also violence by proxy.
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So what I'm gonna do, and this might be a bit of a messier episode because I don't have a script, I don't have a co-host, I don't have somebody to interview, I don't have a set of questions, I'm just gonna be very free-flowing and I'm just gonna tell the story.
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And like I previously said, I might then do a different episode where I come back and analyze it a bit more or offer more of a theoretic theoretical approach to it, but I just want to tell the story.
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And I'm gonna tell the story by telling you the situation with each of these men individually and then assessing how they link and how they're similar.
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So in 2019, I took a job in Fukuoka in Japan teaching English, which is where I met all three of these men.
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I think that within itself is quite significant because I don't think any of these stories could have taken place, firstly, if it was outside of Japan for various reasons.
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I guess I, you know, people didn't know me.
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I was somewhat, I guess, socially isolated in a way because people didn't know me as a person.
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I just kind of arrived.
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Um, due to kind of not so much the culture of Japan, but the expat culture of Japan in particular.
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Um, yeah, so like I said, all these men were doing postgraduate degrees in chemistry at Kyushu University.
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Now the first man was a black Zimbabwean man, um, and let's call him Andrew.
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I'm not gonna reveal anyone's real identity because you know that could get me in trouble, it's probably um in bad taste.
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So I'm gonna give them an anonymous identity, but I'm still gonna tell the story as it is.
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So Albert was a man much older than me, he was in his late 30s, not very attractive, sorry, not beat around the bush.
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Um, a lot older than me, not very attractive.
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Um, had a kind of international expat kind of like I don't even know what you'd call it, an organization where he starts these, he does these kind of parties, his organization.
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But and he would invite women to these parties and you're invited as a friend.
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And Andrew loves this word friends.
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I've invited you as a friend, you're my friend.
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We're really close, aren't we?
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You're my friend.
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He's purposely ambiguous.
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He's purposely ambiguous because basically friend means woman I'm trying to have sex with, but I don't want to ask her out on the date or ask her directly if she'll have sex with me, because then she can decline me, and that will be embarrassing.
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So this is really nasty and really manipulative by Andrew, because basically, no woman can ever say no to him because no question has ever directly been asked.
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Now, this man sexually harassed me for 15 months of my life, and I don't just mean a harmless pinch of the bum, and I don't just mean physical harassment, because although physical harassment is extremely violating to women and it makes us feel really uncomfortable, it was more the entitlement, the manipulation, and the misogyny that went with it, because it was m more the sense of if you're here, you're here for me, and you owe me, and you're a bitch if you haven't given me what I wanted.
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Really, you know, I hate to say it, but again, I'm not gonna beat around the bush in any of this episode.
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Kind of in the way that a you know, if you're a young white woman, you're probably familiar with how black African men from abroad typically behave towards us.
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And I feel like quite often women can't speak out about things like this nowadays because we're targeted with the R word if we do, but I think that's um extreme misogyny, and I think it's a form of silencing women.
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So this man is you know extremely manipulative, he won't take no for an answer.
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And what was particularly horrible about this is that not only was he extremely forthcoming and not taking no as an answer and guilt tripping me if I did want to say no, because of course he'd invited me as a friend, and I turned up, so clearly I owe him.
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But the other people were sympathetic with Andrew as opposed to myself as a young girl at this time, um, and basically tried to push him onto me, guilt trip me for not having sex with him.
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Really, really horrible man, you know.
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He frequently, I think, comes back to the UK on research leave as an academic and um groom's teenagers.
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I remember once him saying about some 17-year-old sixth former he had as a girlfriend in the UK.
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And when I expressed my concerns over the age difference, I think I only said something like, 'And how old are you?' and he was like, You know how old I am.
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You know, really just no comprehension whatsoever that to English people this isn't okay.
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Um, but a very manipulative, very nasty man, but also quite kind of boyish in how he'd go around the entire thing, because he'd have these kind of strops where I hadn't given him what he wanted.
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I turned up to these parties as a friend, so obviously one thing was happening in his head.
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Um, you know, and I remember him having these like almost like yeah, like strops, like a teenage strop of these misunderstandings and miscommunications he's had because you know, he thought he was getting something out of this.
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There's a meme I never used to spend time on the internet, but now I clearly do.
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There's a meme where it's like in um two things that incels and excels, as in excel spruits like the document, um, have in common, um, and then it's a Venn diagram, and the bit in the middle is that they both think everything is a date.
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I mean, that for me, with all of these incels is the same, but for for Andrew, it is like um just hits the nail on the head, you know.
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So a really manipulative, nasty, um, sex-obsessed pervert, really.
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Um, after I did speak out, you know, I then found out, although um the vast majority of people protected him, you know, it was like, you crazy bitch, he's such a nice guy kind of thing.
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After that, in the aftermath, you do get the people who go, Oh, you know, actually, actually, and this just proves why it takes so long for the truth to come out because the initial response is always the you know, let's hunt the witch, how dare you speak badly of a man, or something like that, or what a nice guy, what a nice guy invites me to these international expat parties.
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Oh my god, he's so cool.
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It's like, yeah, but you know, what why is he inviting a lot of these women?
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And what is his um perception towards them?
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Um, but yeah, afterwards, after the initial kind of like backlash, there was quite a lot of a oh, you're not actually the first girl to complain, and oh, I even like I remember one guy telling me, you know, not even a woman, that he was um sexually harassing this Japanese woman.
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So he went up, and you know, this guy was also a little bit of a misogynist, so this shows how bad this guy was.
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This other guy went up to him, tried to grab him by the balls to make him stop because that is how forward in a public space, that is how forward and sexually aggressive this man is.
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So he goes up to them, uh goes up to Andrew in the middle of this expat bar, grabs him by the balls, and he's got an erection in the middle of a bar.
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Like when I say sexual harassment, I don't mean, oh, he's a bit of a one, a bit of a cheeky lad.
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He has a pinch of the bum now and then.
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Like, this man is grotesquely sexually um entitled, he's you know, really extreme with it, and it's not just the physical, it's the manipulation, it's the mind games, it's it's the entitlement, it's the anger if you do say no, etc.
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etc.
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So he's got a best friend.
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So um Andrew, obviously, uh black Zimbabwean guy, a lot older, he's got a younger friend from Spain who he runs these international expert parties with.
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Um again, let's keep him anonymous, let's call him Javier.
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So um Javier is not uh a different kind of character type to uh Andrew in a way.
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He's more kind of aloof, more withdrawn, more just a different type.
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He's also dare I say, I really wanted to add this into the stories um before actually, Andrew is an unattractive man, like a not just uh oh he's not exactly a Chad or oh he's not like the best look at like he is like like he's noteworthy ugly.
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Uh it sounds really kind of like teenage to say something like that, but it's true, and I think you know, when you visualize all this sexual harassment happening and this anger and this entitlement towards women, that's something to picture as well.
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Is that this is not a young Jack the lad going, oh, but normally girls come home to me.
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This is an old ugly man.
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Like this man is not just like a I don't know, can we say plain Joe would be the equivalent of a plain Jane?
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This is not a plain Joe, this isn't an ugly man, you know, it's not just that he's fat and he could lose weight, like he's got an ugly face, there's nothing you can do about that, unfortunately.
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But anyway, he's got this friend, Javier, um, the Spanish narcissist, who turns out where is um who is entitled to women, but in a different kind of way, and I think quite envious of Andrew in the way that I think men always tend to have, particularly misogynistic men, but men more broadly as well, they always tend to have this kind of constant competitiveness that is like always a mist in the air and under the surface of everything they do, and you know, they'll be a part of a brotherhood and they'll be best friends and whatever, and they'll tell everyone what great mates they are, and run these international parties together, and they'll always be hanging out and having a beer together, but it's never kind of in the same way where when women have close friendships, you go for a coffee when you're sober, and you'd never ever ever betray her, and you'd always have her back and you'd never throw her under the bus.
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I don't it's not that type of friendship, it's more um, yeah, it's a friendship of pretense, I suppose.
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Um, I think particularly because Andrew was older, he was already doing his PhD, and Javier wanted to do a PhD, so was probably looking for a reference.
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That's my um presumption or my analysis, but anyway.
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But whereas Andrew is very misogynistic in a very kind of like sexually aggressive manner, Javier has the same kind of entitlement, but it's all mind games, it's all like I said, he's a complete narcissist.
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I won't go into detail because you know I can't be here for two days, and also because I already have a podcast episode on narcissism, so just scroll back.
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Um but Javier is always kind of triangulating women, lying, pitting them against each other, probing people, baiting people, and then blaming them for their anger, you know.
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So between the two of them, really, really not a nice bunch.
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Now I spoke out about these guys, and now kind of we're talking five years later.
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Obviously, I'm a very different person, I'm a lot older.
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I realize how naive I was, and it does make me cringe, but I had never, you know, kind of come across people like this.
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Yes, I was a massive feminist, as anyone who already knew me knew, but you know, I was a massive feminist because for many reasons, you know.
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I grew up in a small town where all of the women I knew just became housewives, and I wanted a career, and I wanted to travel, and I wanted, I don't know, I wanted the sex in the city lifestyle.
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So the spark of my feminism was never anything to even do with men, it was to do with what I wanted to do with my life.
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Then, you know, I went to university and you get a lot of sexual harassment and stuff like that, and you probably become more aware of the pressure on your looks.
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I think I had a bit of an eating disorder at one point at university.
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Um, you know, so then I, you know, I remember reading the beauty myth and being like by Naomi Wolf and being like, yeah, this is the next step to feminism, you know, this is the thing that throughout my adult life I think I've gone through where you think you're a feminist because of X, Y, and Z, and then you find out at the next hurdle, the next piece of misogyny is even worse.
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So when I met these guys, to come back to my point, yes, I was naive, A, because I'd never met anyone like this before.
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Never mind had I not met men like this before, you know, kudos to all of them, like my guy friends at university and whatever.
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Not only had I never met men like this before, but I just never met people who socialized on this level, shall we say.
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So, anyway, I speak out about misogyny really by Andrew and Harrier.
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And to come back to my point, you know, I was really naive.
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I thought this was just it, we just had free speech.
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I was speaking to friends.
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Yes, they were male friends, but I was speaking to friends.
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Um, and I was never expecting the backlash of what I got.
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I remember being shouted at by older male friends.
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I remember being told it was the boy who cried wolf, and this guy, you know, I don't I don't want to get into too much details because this is going to be public at the end of the day and anyone can find it.
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But these men absolutely destroyed me.
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I mean, I got full I got PTSD from Javier, it's really, really, really intense.
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Um, but the fact, you know, I five years ago, you know, now I kind of know what to expect, but I was just taken aback.
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Um, you know, I thought there were bad people in the world.
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I wasn't that naive, but I thought most people were good, and that when you spoke out, people had your back.
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I'm warning you now, the best piece of advice any woman who has suffered extreme abuse or misogyny can be given is to keep quiet.
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And yes, that sounds wrong.
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Yes, that sounds like advice we shouldn't be given because it, you know, in an ideal world we wouldn't be giving it, but to protect yourself, you really do have to keep men's secrets, and then once you're kind of like over the initial kind of like heartache of it all, then find a way to speak out anonymously or whatever.
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But if I could go back in time to one part of my life, it would be don't speak out, do not speak out because you are just gonna be smear campaigned and you're gonna be bullied, and people are gonna call you crazy, and people are gonna call you a liar, and like I said, from this Japanese community, it's not like it was a school, it was it wasn't like people knew me from school or university or work and had known me for years and years and years.
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So there was this big community of people who would be like, Watch Sean, really, you know, this was you know people were more familiar with these guys than me.
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Now, this is uh one of the uh you know darkest points of this whole story with these two guys is that this guy then manipulated a woman, and I'm not gonna even give her an anonymous name because I don't think the women involved in these stories deserve even that.
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There was a woman who was a bit of a gossip, maybe a bit naive in her own respects, um, but maybe just from a different kind of kettle of fish to me, who I could um was very yeah, she was a gossip, she was very good at getting information out of people.
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I said a bit too much.
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I'm not gonna go into the details of it.
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Um I do think, you know, she should have uh I still yeah, I mean she should have cut ties with them a long time ago, but these uh men are very abusers are just as easy at recruiting allies as they are recruiting victims sometimes.
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Um so anyway, I spoke out about this these guys to this woman who was full of running this so-called feminist group, which you know obviously was just a load of crap.
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It was just some girls' hangout group, you know, it was loaded of just a group of girls who were I don't know, just random women, don't even think they were particularly intelligent or mature.
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Anyway, um I spoke out to this woman and she fed back everything that I said to these guys that I'd complained about.
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And they horrendously bullied me, you know, I was crazy, I was a liar, they aimed all these social media posts at me, but they did it in such a sneaky way that I didn't have evidence.
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Um, which and then of course, when you've not got cold, hard out evidence, people can just pathologise you and call you crazy, and it's a bit like, yeah, okay, I will I will always know my truth.
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Um so that's Andrew and Javier.
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I then leave Japan and I had um a third friend who is also a male scientist, but this guy's English and he's the same age as me, who was doing a you know, again, doing a postgraduate in chemistry at Kyushu in Japan, they're all the same.
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Um and this guy was literally like you know when I knew him I thought if there's any guy who's not a misogynist, if there's any guy you're gonna be on woman's side, if there's any guy that you can still trust, it's this guy.
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Oh gosh, I was wrong.
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If anything, he's the worst.
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Well, maybe not the worst, maybe Javier is the worst.
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But anyway, this guy always we were friends.
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I think he'll now deny that um when he fabricates his own stories in his own head or tries to protect his own reputation for whatever reason that I'll come on to.
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We were friends, but towards the end he was a little bit odd.
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Now, again, you know, this was all five years ago.
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I was very naive, um, partly because I just think growing up and as a young adult, I'd been around in retrospect, I'd probably been around quite nice people, quite nice, normal people, things like intersexual competition, you know, gossip, bitchiness.
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It just wasn't really.
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I'm not saying that you know my entire social life was a bed of roses and everybody uh, you know, I'm still friends with everybody I've ever met in life or anything like that, but I'd never seen real, real nastiness or real, real kind of just social dysfunction.
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Anyway, this guy was my friend, um, but it was always a bit odd.
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On reflection now, you know, five years the wiser, he had a girlfriend who had obviously told him that I'm a red flag because he'd probably taken a bit of a shining to me.
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Um, but I didn't see that at the time.
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As naive as I was, I thought if you were with people, you wanted to be with them.
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That's laughable, it's so naive, but I did think that.
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And I thought if you didn't want to be with them, you'd break up with them.
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I didn't, but you know, obviously a lot of men, they have their relationships, and then they just look to see where they can jump to next, things like that.
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So this guy, you know, he was my friend.
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He'd ping-pong back and forth in terms of closeness a lot.
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I won't go into details on that.
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I think because you know, he had this girlfriend who told him I was a red flag, etc.
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etc.
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Um, I could go into a lot of detail in this part of the story.
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Um, but I think I'll refrain for now for going into too much details in terms of particular events and circumstances.
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Um, but we've left Japan, we're back in the UK, he comes up to see me for my birthday, everything's nice, everything's normal, you know.
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We go out drinking.
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Um, he drunkenly confesses that he really likes me and then collapses out drunk, which is something at the time which I thought was a bit odd because he's engaged to another woman at this time.
00:24:54.079 --> 00:25:03.759
You know, the girlfriend from Japan is now now a fiance, and I thought it's a bit bit odd to say all that, you know, in a kind of the truth always comes out in when you're drunk kind of way.
00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:09.519
And I thought, how odd to even be able to think that of another woman when you're engaged.
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:18.160
You know, I thought people got in, you know, I've never wanted to get married, but it's bizarre that the people who do seem to kind of respect it as an institution the least.
00:25:18.319 --> 00:25:28.400
Anyway, he did that, I kind of thought nothing of it, in the sense that, you know, it was something I kind of laughed about with girlfriends a bit, but I didn't really kind of dwell on it.
00:25:29.119 --> 00:25:37.440
Um I didn't speak to him for a few months, and then I um like I said, we did use to we were friends at one point.
00:25:37.599 --> 00:25:41.519
Um, so the kind of birth incident goes to the back of my mind.
00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:49.759
Um and then I go to message him because when I published my book, there was a line in it I thought he'd find really funny.
00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:55.039
So I go to message him to tell him because I think he'll laugh, and I'm blocked on everything.
00:25:55.279 --> 00:26:02.480
And I'm shocked and I'm a little bit hurt, just in the sense that it's a bit like, okay, like why is everyone from Japan so weird?
00:26:02.559 --> 00:26:18.000
And because I've already spoken out about Andrew and Javier, I kind I think I kind of expect this solidarity, this kind of like we're here for you, and I don't know, I just expect people to be good people, I suppose, because I thought quite naively thought that they were.
00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:22.720
Anyway, turns out I'm blocked, and I'm like, okay, whatever.
00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:25.519
I think we correspond a little bit and then it whatever.
00:26:25.759 --> 00:26:36.160
This guy goes to the effort, and this really is psychotic, to create an anonymous Instagram account and start m starts messaging me.
00:26:36.319 --> 00:26:44.480
Now I'm not a romantic or easily swayed by any means by any definition of the word romantic, you know.
00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:47.440
Um but this guy is very manipulative.
00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:55.920
Again, we'll be here for four days if I go into details because you'd have to know everything about my personality and Jamie's personality, etc.
00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:56.559
etc.
00:26:57.440 --> 00:27:06.240
So we he creates this anonymous account to start talking to me behind his wife's back.
00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:07.680
Well, fiance at this time.
00:27:07.920 --> 00:27:12.480
I think I think they got married in Korea, and then I think they got had like a party in England or something.
00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:15.599
So I think she was wife by this point.
00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:16.720
I can't remember.
00:27:16.880 --> 00:27:23.440
Anyway, he starts messaging me, but it's like to confess his undying love for me.
00:27:23.599 --> 00:27:32.400
Now, bear in mind that he's also done this drunk on my birthday, and like I said, I'm not one to betray other women, I'm also not easily swayed romantically.
00:27:32.480 --> 00:27:38.799
You know, my parents had a horrible relationship, so I don't think I'm even I'm even as a young girl, I wasn't a romantic or anything.
00:27:39.039 --> 00:27:44.880
Um, but the way he does it is so manipulative that I think anyone would be persuaded.
00:27:45.200 --> 00:28:06.480
He gets this um anime, and I know that he reads anime, the like cartoon strips, Rosario and Vampire, and he basically uses it's so manipulative and so convincing how he does it because he basically uses the plot of that to be like, Oh, look, I'm the one, I'll tell you in a nutshell.
00:28:06.799 --> 00:28:23.680
So, in this anime, there's um this girl with pink hair who goes to a school, she's in high school, but it because you know, obviously, this is a fantasy anime, it's actually a school for monsters, and she's a vampire, like all these normal school kids kind of turn into monsters.
00:28:23.839 --> 00:28:28.160
Um, there's a lot to it, but I'll just give you the outline of the main kind of two characters.
00:28:28.400 --> 00:28:41.440
Um, so basically, she thinks she hates humans, kind of in the way at this point, you know, I'm distrust distrusting of men due to Harriet and Andrew, you know, I'm quite vulnerable.
00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:44.799
You know, I'm angry because of what I've been through.
00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:59.279
Anyway, he uses this entire entire plot to convince me that he is the one because in the end, this mocha character, this girl who is actually a vampire, she thinks she hates humans because of how they've mistreated her in the past.
00:28:59.599 --> 00:29:05.680
But then there's this um, I can't even remember the bloody character's name, normally I can.
00:29:05.839 --> 00:29:12.480
There's this guy at the univer at the school for monsters who's a human, and he's just like undercover.
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:14.640
I don't know how he got into school, I can't remember.
00:29:14.880 --> 00:29:22.880
He's just undercover because all these kids who are actually monsters like vampires or werewolves or whatever, they're just normal teenagers during the day anyway.
00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:37.920
Um, so she accidentally falls in love with this guy who's just a human, and then the whole thing is like, yeah, you think you hate humans, but you actually don't because I'm a human, and he basically does that to try and convince me that he's the one.
00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:56.000
And now it's really, really, really cringy because I think I don't trust men anymore because of Andrew and Harrier and all these misogynistic men, but actually, there's been someone there who's been there all along, and then he corresponds with me after this kind of manipulative way to get into my head.
00:29:56.400 --> 00:30:05.039
Um, he corresponds with me for about I think about eight months, eight, nine months, and it's all about how like he's gonna leave his wife for me.
00:30:05.279 --> 00:30:25.440
We're really similar because we've both, you know, gone up north to university and then lived in similar areas, but both English, we both lived in Japan, we're the same age, and it's all you know, and it's all like oh, you think you can't trust men, but here's the white knight, here's the man in shining armor.
00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:27.680
The guy's an absolute psychopath.
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:37.119
So he does this, and it's like all just and before, you know, if not, I don't think in Japan I just saw him as a friend.
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:42.640
If he hadn't have done all this, I don't think I would have ever thought of him in a romantic way whatsoever.
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:46.079
Also, he had a girlfriend who is now his wife.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:54.640
Anyway, it turns out, and maybe this does show how naive I was, but you know, I'd never met men like any of these three characters before.
00:30:54.880 --> 00:31:02.160
Um, so it turns out that it was all just manipulation, he's taken the power back or whatever.
00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:20.960
This is all just a seedy game behind his wife's back, and then after literally about eight or nine months of um messaging, he marries or remarries this um girlfriend from Japan, and they have a big party in England, which I'm like, just why?
00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:22.079
You know what I mean?
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:25.599
Like, this isn't like oh I tried to get my leg over when I was drunk.
00:31:25.759 --> 00:31:50.480
This is like this guy has gone to some serious effort to create an anime account and then create a story and then message me literally every night for months, again, in a really really manipulative way because I don't have kind of receipts or evidence as such, um, because it's not like he did it through his own personal Instagram account, because obviously that would be too easy because I could then go and tell the wife.
00:31:50.640 --> 00:31:54.960
So, again, you know, it's real easy to kind of pathologise me, call me crazy, etc.
00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:55.359
etc.
00:31:56.000 --> 00:32:02.079
Now, this is the part that's really interesting, but also really, really dark and really, really nasty.
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:11.839
So, remember I said previously that when I spoke out about Harriet, he manipulated I think this woman was also just kind of like not exactly the nicest.
00:32:12.799 --> 00:32:21.119
I think there's a lot more to it, but he manipulated this woman to kind of attack me by posting these things on social media aimed at me, etc.
00:32:21.279 --> 00:32:21.839
etc.
00:32:22.559 --> 00:32:23.839
on his behalf.
00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:34.400
Jamie does the exact same thing, in that instead of kind of just because it's like I suppose he can't fight me one-on-one because then that's kind of admitting to what he's done.
00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:38.559
So I speak out, you know, I tell his wife, I also tell his parents.
00:32:38.799 --> 00:32:43.839
Um, you also can't expect me to not react at this point because what he's done is horrible.
00:32:44.079 --> 00:32:56.000
Not only is it a horrible thing to do, anyway, to kind of breadcrumb somebody and lead them on to only then pull away, you know, it's definitely a form of psychological manipulation and it's definitely a form of emotional abuse.
00:32:56.160 --> 00:33:11.759
Not only is that really horrible in itself, but he's parti purposely kind of and particularly um targeted me when I'm already vulnerable from these other guys and speaking out about these other guys, which is really, really, really, you know, the lowest of the low.
00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:20.240
You know, even in the anime story, he hints to that with the whole like, oh, you think you hate men because you've been mistreated by them, but here I am.
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:31.839
It's a bit like going, Oh, you think all men are jerks, but not me, and then it's like, oh not really I, we are all jerks, and you think, really, most men I know aren't like you three.
00:33:32.160 --> 00:33:34.880
Anyway, so really, really horrible.
00:33:35.039 --> 00:33:43.039
This guy then follows the exact same dynamic how when I spoke out about Andrew and Harriet, it was women who attacked me.
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:47.200
I then go through the exact same thing again.
00:33:47.519 --> 00:34:00.720
He um I used to have like quite a big platform and like feminist social media, never been big on social media before any of this, kind of sort of a bit pointless and a bit whatever, maybe a bit cringe.
00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:06.000
But you get to a point um where you just have to speak out really.
00:34:06.160 --> 00:34:19.199
I think I spot I blew up on Twitter after speaking out about the Amber Heard case, and you know, that's when I started to like gain followers and things like that, and actually like take part in social media culture, so to speak.
00:34:19.440 --> 00:34:35.280
So, anyway, this guy, the cheating husband, Jamie, m starts to message or get this woman from Japan, another woman from Japan, to message people who are part of my so uh like feminist social media following.
00:34:35.519 --> 00:34:47.920
Now, most women, like the 80-90% of the ones um uh approached by him, don't buy, you know, they block him.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:56.320
They probably block me because like most normal people, you just don't want drama, particularly with people who you don't really know.
00:34:56.960 --> 00:35:08.559
However, three women who dare I say were a bit rough and a bit more accustomed to the drama, they bite, you know.
00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:18.719
I think, and I don't say this in order to be mean, I say in order to give the story the narrative that is correct or the narrative that I saw.
00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:32.719
Um I think these women are more easily manipulated by this man because they're possibly less intelligent and a bit more kind of emotional because they're less intelligent and more easily manipulated.
00:35:33.199 --> 00:35:39.679
Um they're also a bit, you know, like I said, and I'm not being a snob, but a bit rough and a bit more accustomed to the drama.
00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:44.880
So they're you know they're looking for a fight.
00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:56.800
I think they were also, dare I say, envious of me because I've probably done things in life like I don't know, travel, go to university, even just having friends that they haven't.
00:35:59.119 --> 00:36:12.079
So anyway, but they're a particular, they're a particular type of women, and this guy, Jamie, you know, he just steers the pot and gets these women who are quite a similar personality type to the first woman who attacked me.
00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:14.719
Like I said, this isn't all women.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:20.559
Multiple women were messaged, and most were just block, you know, keep me out of the drama, that's normal.
00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:24.880
Oh my gosh, I had absolutely no peace.
00:36:25.039 --> 00:36:31.360
There were social media accounts created in my name, my mother's name, my father's name, my brothers' names.
00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:36.800
I was continuously called, I was horrendously stalked.
00:36:37.119 --> 00:36:42.559
They found out the name of the village where I live, they found out where I worked, they called me crazy.
00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:48.159
The pathologization was, you know, the key component to this.
00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:53.440
You know, you name it, I was a bitch, I was a witch, I was a whore, you name it.
00:36:53.679 --> 00:36:58.159
Um they really nasty stuff as well.
00:36:58.239 --> 00:37:03.119
They left, I think they left human feces outside my apartment at one point.
00:37:03.360 --> 00:37:05.119
I think they damaged my car.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:12.400
Um, you know, I it ri But I was, you know, my friend said it before I even put the words into her mouth when we were both on holiday once.
00:37:12.480 --> 00:37:15.920
She was like, you weren't just attacked by those women, you were stalked.
00:37:16.079 --> 00:37:18.639
And I was like, I know it was so unnerving.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:25.360
They knew information about me that and one woman in particular who I think has her own issues.
00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:29.280
Already, I think, you know, this was the catalyst that made it come out.
00:37:29.440 --> 00:37:37.920
So maybe there is a bit of a silver lining behind every dark cloud because it allowed me to kind of really confirm my intuition.
00:37:38.079 --> 00:37:46.400
Side note, learn to listen to your intuition about her and kind of be a bit like okay, being a nice person is not letting everybody in.
00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:59.679
Um, so you need boundaries to protect yourself because this woman had absorbed information on me, like really, really closely absorbed information on me and then twisted it to like use it against me.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:02.400
Really, really pathological, nasty woman.
00:38:02.480 --> 00:38:13.119
Anyway, I had her arrested um for stalking because the information she knew and the nastiness within her, like really horrible, horrible, horrible.
00:38:14.400 --> 00:38:29.599
What I find interesting is that both of these stories, let's say if we group Andrew and Javier together, and then we have Jamie as a new incident on his own, he kind of targets me as a vulnerable woman.
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:38.159
A woman who's probably not gonna be believed because I've already spoken out about other men as well, is that it follows the same dynamic.
00:38:38.400 --> 00:39:09.679
And the dynamic is this one, a man abuses a woman, if you want to use the word abuse, I do, but it's misogynistic, you know, whether it's sexual harassment, narcissistic abuse, cheating, but all of these come with the same, yes, one's kind of sexual harassment, it's very physical, the other ones, or the other two are kind of like emotional psychological abuse, but they're all the same kind of this male manipulation and this male kind of entitlement.
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:13.360
And I'm gonna play with you because I didn't get what I wanted from day one.
00:39:13.519 --> 00:39:17.119
That is the key component with all of them, by the way, is that they didn't.
00:39:17.360 --> 00:39:20.400
Javier also thought I'd slept with Andrew, I think, was a bit jealous.
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:24.800
It was a bit ever so weird, um, very, very weird situation with that.
00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:31.199
I think he projected a lot of his own feelings or things onto me.
00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:42.480
It was it's all this kind of like, I wanted you, I didn't get you, now I'm angry, and I'm going to have my revenge on you, and that's why I'm targeted.
00:39:42.639 --> 00:39:46.639
So, one, man abuses woman or a man is misogynistic towards woman.
00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:59.920
Step two, woman speaks out because in both circumstances, like I said previously, didn't realise the enormity of all this at the time, but in both circumstances, I did speak out and I did react because it's impossible not to.
00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:15.679
Three, man recruits an army and spreads smear campaigns in both, and I won't go into the details of this because I think it would just um be sh be more that they could use against me at any point if I, you know, air it out.
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:23.840
But the smear campaigns against me were horrendous, you know, utter utter nonsense.
00:40:23.920 --> 00:40:54.559
You know, I was a witch, I was a bitch, I was whore, you know, really, really horrible smear campaigns and also pathologised, which was particularly easy for Javier and Jamie to do because their abuse was psychological and it was very manipulative, and it was done so in a way purposely to make me look unhinged, particularly with you know the fake, you know, the fake anime account, like, oh you can't prove it's me because obviously, and then this is what these women would say to me as well, which is kind of laughably stupid.
00:40:54.800 --> 00:40:57.119
Oh, you're just crazy, where are your receipts?
00:40:57.360 --> 00:40:59.760
You know, that's evidence, screenshots, where are your receipts?
00:40:59.920 --> 00:41:09.119
How can you prove that it's here when it's like if a man and these men, you know, they have at the end of the day, they're idiots because they're misogynists, but they are smart men, they've all got PhDs.
00:41:09.760 --> 00:41:18.000
If a man is gonna cheat on his wife, he's not gonna do it from a social media profile with his first name, his second name in his face.
00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:21.119
He's gonna do it from an anonymous account.
00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:25.840
I'm really sorry, but like just you know, get a sodden grip.
00:41:26.079 --> 00:42:11.039
Anyway, so man abuses woman, a woman speaks out, man recruits an army with smear campaigns and pathologization, and then step four, the community abuses the woman because in each circumstance of male abuse and misogyny that I've gone through with these three guys, in the end, the worst part wasn't the men, it was the abuse by proxy by the community, which has primarily not fully, there's been the odd angry man, but really far and few between who's gone, you know, it's the boy who cries wolf, but primarily through women who they manipulate um to um fight their battles.
00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:22.800
But you know, I don't want to put all the onus on these guys because these women, they're not just manipulated, they're quite jealous, envious women, they're you know, accustomed to drama, they're looking for a fight.
00:42:23.039 --> 00:42:38.079
A lot of you know, this last girl in particular, who was, you know, Jamie recruited a gang of like these three women in against three or four women against me, but there was one in particular where she was waiting for an excuse to bully me.
00:42:38.239 --> 00:42:46.639
So this wasn't just a like, you know, the thing she'd been absorbing on me, the information she knew on me, she'd been absorbing it for months.
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:51.360
And really, you know, when she attacked me, it came out as a nasty, nasty jealousy.
00:42:51.519 --> 00:43:02.239
So, yes, these women have been manipulated by these men, but also these women, they're not like anyone I've ever met from work, university, they're not like any female friend I've ever had.
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:10.079
These women were ready for an opportunity for drama, for a fight, but most importantly to attack another woman.
00:43:10.320 --> 00:43:32.559
Um, which I am now seeing that this is quite kind of like this just mist of competitiveness, this intersexual competition, just this kind of like pitting women against one another in these kind of more misogynistic social circles, like it does just seem kind of like the norm, which I was completely oblivious to because no one I'd ever met was ever like that.
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:50.079
Like I said, when I was younger, and I, you know, I literally studied feminism, my feminism feminism never really had to be about men, because I don't think any of my experiences prior to moving to Japan and meeting these three guys, I don't think any of my experiences with men were ever that bad.
00:43:50.320 --> 00:43:58.639
And my feminism was more about my place in society and my own life than my relationships with men because they weren't that bad.
00:43:58.880 --> 00:44:02.800
Whereas these three Guys, you know, really flip that narrative on their head.
00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:10.079
Some of the most nasty, manipulative, evil men I've ever come across.
00:44:10.559 --> 00:44:12.320
And it's because they're incels.
00:44:13.360 --> 00:44:22.159
They're nerdy or conventionally less desirable men, so I think have a bit of a chip on their shoulder, particularly dare I say Andrew and Jamie.
00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:25.760
They're just I'm sorry, but they're just conventionally unattractive men.
00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:29.440
Um sometimes, you know, you've got to be black and white about things.
00:44:31.199 --> 00:44:42.000
Maybe a little bit socially inept in in a in a respect, you know, like I said, they're nerdy scientists, these aren't like you know, jocks, chads, or whatever.
00:44:42.159 --> 00:44:43.920
They they're nerdy guys.
00:44:44.239 --> 00:44:55.280
They blame women, I think, in a way, because they have an anger towards women because they are less conventionally appealing to women, or they at least feel or think they're less appealing to women.
00:44:55.519 --> 00:45:00.960
Side note, you know, in brackets, the best way to be appealing to women is quite literally to be nice.
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:02.719
We're not that deep.
00:45:03.920 --> 00:45:08.400
We're also not as shallow as men, but you know, this isn't dating advice for men.
00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:20.320
Um, and they're misogynistic and violent, and that includes or was primarily by proxy, but I'm still including that.
00:45:20.559 --> 00:45:27.360
So, yeah, this is my experience with guys who I'm calling incels, because I don't think this is what most men are like.
00:45:27.519 --> 00:45:33.599
Like I said, before I moved to Japan, which um is a bit of an incel country in many regards.
00:45:33.760 --> 00:45:36.559
Before I moved to Japan, I'd never met men like this.
00:45:37.119 --> 00:45:40.320
Yes, incel does stand for involuntary celebrate.
00:45:40.480 --> 00:45:47.360
One guy's married, the other two I think had slept around with a lot of women at one point, though I do think these women, you know, dare I say were oppressed.
00:45:47.599 --> 00:45:53.519
Dare I say they wouldn't do the be able to do the same in the UK or anywhere else in Europe, dare I say that?
00:45:53.599 --> 00:45:54.639
I don't know.
00:45:55.440 --> 00:46:00.719
But it's the mindset of the I'm an underclass kind of man.
00:46:01.039 --> 00:46:08.639
Maybe I fall short in hierarchies of manhood against other men, so I'm gonna take it out on women.
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:22.719
And like I said, with all three of these men it started of I like you, even if it's just you know, Andrew nothing knew nothing about me, I don't think he even knew my second name, what I studied at university, my political point standpoints, you know.
00:46:22.800 --> 00:46:36.639
I don't think, but he liked me, which really, you know, stupid men, you know, probably just I like the look of you, but I'm going to project something onto that and tell myself I like you, I like you, I want you, I think I'm gonna have you.
00:46:36.880 --> 00:46:38.000
I can't get you.
00:46:38.159 --> 00:46:43.039
Like, you know, Jamie thought he was gonna get his leg over on his on my birthday, definitely did.
00:46:43.119 --> 00:46:46.239
Sorry to if his wife ever listens to this, but he did.
00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:54.239
Um Javier thought I'd had something with other men, um, because you know, I'm more of an open kind of friendly type.
00:46:54.480 --> 00:47:00.159
Andrew thought I was coming to these expat parties because he had an opportunity with me.
00:47:00.559 --> 00:47:04.079
So they all think they're gonna, they've decided they like me in some respect.
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:09.119
They think they're gonna get me, they don't get me, and then they're livid.
00:47:09.519 --> 00:47:10.800
They are livid.
00:47:11.599 --> 00:47:19.679
And you know, how they respond to that, you know, Andrew, it's sexual perversion and that kind of anger.
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:23.199
With Javier, it was, you know, he was a flipping narcissist.
00:47:23.360 --> 00:47:26.079
It was like, you know, how dare someone say to no to me.
00:47:26.159 --> 00:47:32.639
So it was psychological abuse, emotional abuse, pitting women against me, whatever.
00:47:33.039 --> 00:47:42.079
And with Jamie, you know, it was to create this false anime account to kind of convince me I was the one so he could then pull back and then be like, Oh, look, she is chasing me.
00:47:42.159 --> 00:47:46.559
Everyone, oh my god, she's insane, but look at how she's chasing me, you know.
00:47:47.119 --> 00:47:52.000
In these situations, if anything, women are uh chasing accountability, mate, not you.
00:47:52.239 --> 00:48:20.639
Um but they're all kind of the same in that they wanted me, they didn't quite get me, and they erupted with misogyny, rage, and even though none of them hit me, none of them beat me, it was misogynistic violence nonetheless, because you know, misogynistic violence isn't just hitting a woman, beating a woman up, it's psychological violence, it's manipulation, it's emotional abuse, and it's also abuse by proxy.
00:48:21.679 --> 00:48:41.679
Yeah, so that's my story time over because it's we're 48 minutes in now, but this is my experience with men who I'm calling in cells, all three men, you know, situations were quite the same, and they followed that step four dynamic of a man abusing a woman.
00:48:41.840 --> 00:48:56.480
I speak out, he then recruits an army, starts mere campaigns, and you know, pathologizes me, and then I end up being abused by proxy, by other women, by the community.
00:48:57.360 --> 00:48:59.679
So, um yeah, that's my story time.
00:48:59.760 --> 00:49:04.480
Like I said, I might do another episode where I'm much more kind of analytical of it.
00:49:04.639 --> 00:49:09.280
I might take a more theoretical approach, but I just wanted to get the story out there for the time being.
00:49:09.679 --> 00:49:16.880
Um, and that's you know, like I said, this is my experience, not of most men, but of men like this.
00:49:17.360 --> 00:49:20.400
And I do think they're incels.
00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:05.360
Okay, welcome to FEFO and this episode is going to be on incels.
00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:20.480
It's going to be a different type of episode, first and foremost, because I'm on my own, and secondly, because partly because I'm on my own, it's going to be in a slightly different format and I'm going to take more of a storytelling kind of approach.
00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:30.640
So, and I might later on do another episode where I maybe throw in a more theoretical perspective or try to be a little bit more analytical about things.
00:00:30.719 --> 00:00:38.560
Um, but first and foremost, I wanted to do this episode where I just kind of tell a story.
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:40.799
My story.
00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:45.200
And this is the story of three men.
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:52.960
Three men who I would personally identify as incels.
00:00:53.600 --> 00:00:58.799
Obviously, we've all probably heard the term incel before, it stands for involuntary celebrate.
00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:16.719
Now, I don't just mean that these men are incels because they want sex and they can't get sex because one of them is married, and the other two I think were rather promiscuous at one point, but that was under particular circumstances, you know, which I won't go into.
00:01:17.519 --> 00:01:26.319
And secondly, I'm kind of identifying incels less of how they behave in their lives and more of a mindset.
00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:42.480
And that mindset, I would say, well, I'd say these men they're all similar to each other in the regard that they were all doing postgraduate degrees in chemistry at Kyushu University in Japan.
00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:45.200
However, in many regards, they're quite different.
00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:51.920
But the similarity that I think is significant is the fact that I think they all have this incel mentality.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:02:01.840
They were all quite nerdy, arguably conventionally less desirable to women, particularly two of them in particular.
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:08.960
They're somewhat socially inept or recluse, possibly because they're kind of nerdy guys.
00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:15.840
But the two last points on why I think they're all in cells are the most significant to me.
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:27.919
The first is that they blame women, they blame women for not wanting them, and they blame women for not allowing access to them because they feel entitled to them.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:51.680
And secondly due to their misogynistic violence, and I don't just mean violence in the traditional sense of you know um very active and physical violence, but psychological violence, emotional violence, manipulation, but also violence by proxy.
00:02:52.639 --> 00:03:06.400
So what I'm gonna do, and this might be a bit of a messier episode because I don't have a script, I don't have a co-host, I don't have somebody to interview, I don't have a set of questions, I'm just gonna be very free-flowing and I'm just gonna tell the story.
00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:17.599
And like I previously said, I might then do a different episode where I come back and analyze it a bit more or offer more of a theoretic theoretical approach to it, but I just want to tell the story.
00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:29.520
And I'm gonna tell the story by telling you the situation with each of these men individually and then assessing how they link and how they're similar.
00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:41.199
So in 2019, I took a job in Fukuoka in Japan teaching English, which is where I met all three of these men.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:53.120
I think that within itself is quite significant because I don't think any of these stories could have taken place, firstly, if it was outside of Japan for various reasons.
00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:55.520
I guess I, you know, people didn't know me.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:00.639
I was somewhat, I guess, socially isolated in a way because people didn't know me as a person.
00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:02.400
I just kind of arrived.
00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:11.599
Um, due to kind of not so much the culture of Japan, but the expat culture of Japan in particular.
00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:18.800
Um, yeah, so like I said, all these men were doing postgraduate degrees in chemistry at Kyushu University.
00:04:19.199 --> 00:04:25.360
Now the first man was a black Zimbabwean man, um, and let's call him Andrew.
00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:33.360
I'm not gonna reveal anyone's real identity because you know that could get me in trouble, it's probably um in bad taste.
00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:39.439
So I'm gonna give them an anonymous identity, but I'm still gonna tell the story as it is.
00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:51.040
So Albert was a man much older than me, he was in his late 30s, not very attractive, sorry, not beat around the bush.
00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:54.879
Um, a lot older than me, not very attractive.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:05:07.279
Um, had a kind of international expat kind of like I don't even know what you'd call it, an organization where he starts these, he does these kind of parties, his organization.
00:05:08.879 --> 00:05:17.600
But and he would invite women to these parties and you're invited as a friend.
00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:22.720
And Andrew loves this word friends.
00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:27.120
I've invited you as a friend, you're my friend.
00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:29.040
We're really close, aren't we?
00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:30.319
You're my friend.
00:05:31.279 --> 00:05:33.920
He's purposely ambiguous.
00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:49.839
He's purposely ambiguous because basically friend means woman I'm trying to have sex with, but I don't want to ask her out on the date or ask her directly if she'll have sex with me, because then she can decline me, and that will be embarrassing.
00:05:50.079 --> 00:06:00.319
So this is really nasty and really manipulative by Andrew, because basically, no woman can ever say no to him because no question has ever directly been asked.
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:38.560
Now, this man sexually harassed me for 15 months of my life, and I don't just mean a harmless pinch of the bum, and I don't just mean physical harassment, because although physical harassment is extremely violating to women and it makes us feel really uncomfortable, it was more the entitlement, the manipulation, and the misogyny that went with it, because it was m more the sense of if you're here, you're here for me, and you owe me, and you're a bitch if you haven't given me what I wanted.
00:06:38.879 --> 00:06:44.000
Really, you know, I hate to say it, but again, I'm not gonna beat around the bush in any of this episode.
00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:57.680
Kind of in the way that a you know, if you're a young white woman, you're probably familiar with how black African men from abroad typically behave towards us.
00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:09.759
And I feel like quite often women can't speak out about things like this nowadays because we're targeted with the R word if we do, but I think that's um extreme misogyny, and I think it's a form of silencing women.
00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:16.000
So this man is you know extremely manipulative, he won't take no for an answer.
00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:34.160
And what was particularly horrible about this is that not only was he extremely forthcoming and not taking no as an answer and guilt tripping me if I did want to say no, because of course he'd invited me as a friend, and I turned up, so clearly I owe him.
00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:50.000
But the other people were sympathetic with Andrew as opposed to myself as a young girl at this time, um, and basically tried to push him onto me, guilt trip me for not having sex with him.
00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:52.079
Really, really horrible man, you know.
00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:59.360
He frequently, I think, comes back to the UK on research leave as an academic and um groom's teenagers.
00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:05.040
I remember once him saying about some 17-year-old sixth former he had as a girlfriend in the UK.
00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:13.600
And when I expressed my concerns over the age difference, I think I only said something like, 'And how old are you?' and he was like, You know how old I am.
00:08:13.839 --> 00:08:20.079
You know, really just no comprehension whatsoever that to English people this isn't okay.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:34.240
Um, but a very manipulative, very nasty man, but also quite kind of boyish in how he'd go around the entire thing, because he'd have these kind of strops where I hadn't given him what he wanted.
00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:40.799
I turned up to these parties as a friend, so obviously one thing was happening in his head.
00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:58.639
Um, you know, and I remember him having these like almost like yeah, like strops, like a teenage strop of these misunderstandings and miscommunications he's had because you know, he thought he was getting something out of this.
00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:03.360
There's a meme I never used to spend time on the internet, but now I clearly do.
00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:19.039
There's a meme where it's like in um two things that incels and excels, as in excel spruits like the document, um, have in common, um, and then it's a Venn diagram, and the bit in the middle is that they both think everything is a date.
00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:28.320
I mean, that for me, with all of these incels is the same, but for for Andrew, it is like um just hits the nail on the head, you know.
00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:34.240
So a really manipulative, nasty, um, sex-obsessed pervert, really.
00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:46.480
Um, after I did speak out, you know, I then found out, although um the vast majority of people protected him, you know, it was like, you crazy bitch, he's such a nice guy kind of thing.
00:09:46.799 --> 00:10:11.440
After that, in the aftermath, you do get the people who go, Oh, you know, actually, actually, and this just proves why it takes so long for the truth to come out because the initial response is always the you know, let's hunt the witch, how dare you speak badly of a man, or something like that, or what a nice guy, what a nice guy invites me to these international expat parties.
00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:12.480
Oh my god, he's so cool.
00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:16.879
It's like, yeah, but you know, what why is he inviting a lot of these women?
00:10:17.039 --> 00:10:20.240
And what is his um perception towards them?
00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:36.720
Um, but yeah, afterwards, after the initial kind of like backlash, there was quite a lot of a oh, you're not actually the first girl to complain, and oh, I even like I remember one guy telling me, you know, not even a woman, that he was um sexually harassing this Japanese woman.
00:10:36.960 --> 00:10:42.399
So he went up, and you know, this guy was also a little bit of a misogynist, so this shows how bad this guy was.
00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:54.559
This other guy went up to him, tried to grab him by the balls to make him stop because that is how forward in a public space, that is how forward and sexually aggressive this man is.
00:10:54.720 --> 00:11:05.679
So he goes up to them, uh goes up to Andrew in the middle of this expat bar, grabs him by the balls, and he's got an erection in the middle of a bar.
00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:11.759
Like when I say sexual harassment, I don't mean, oh, he's a bit of a one, a bit of a cheeky lad.
00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:13.759
He has a pinch of the bum now and then.
00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:36.159
Like, this man is grotesquely sexually um entitled, he's you know, really extreme with it, and it's not just the physical, it's the manipulation, it's the mind games, it's it's the entitlement, it's the anger if you do say no, etc.
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:37.039
etc.
00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:40.000
So he's got a best friend.
00:11:40.799 --> 00:11:51.519
So um Andrew, obviously, uh black Zimbabwean guy, a lot older, he's got a younger friend from Spain who he runs these international expert parties with.
00:11:51.600 --> 00:11:55.039
Um again, let's keep him anonymous, let's call him Javier.
00:11:56.480 --> 00:12:06.960
So um Javier is not uh a different kind of character type to uh Andrew in a way.
00:12:07.279 --> 00:12:16.320
He's more kind of aloof, more withdrawn, more just a different type.
00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:37.759
He's also dare I say, I really wanted to add this into the stories um before actually, Andrew is an unattractive man, like a not just uh oh he's not exactly a Chad or oh he's not like the best look at like he is like like he's noteworthy ugly.
00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:53.200
Uh it sounds really kind of like teenage to say something like that, but it's true, and I think you know, when you visualize all this sexual harassment happening and this anger and this entitlement towards women, that's something to picture as well.
00:12:53.279 --> 00:12:57.440
Is that this is not a young Jack the lad going, oh, but normally girls come home to me.
00:12:57.519 --> 00:12:59.200
This is an old ugly man.
00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:05.440
Like this man is not just like a I don't know, can we say plain Joe would be the equivalent of a plain Jane?
00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:16.799
This is not a plain Joe, this isn't an ugly man, you know, it's not just that he's fat and he could lose weight, like he's got an ugly face, there's nothing you can do about that, unfortunately.
00:13:17.039 --> 00:14:16.480
But anyway, he's got this friend, Javier, um, the Spanish narcissist, who turns out where is um who is entitled to women, but in a different kind of way, and I think quite envious of Andrew in the way that I think men always tend to have, particularly misogynistic men, but men more broadly as well, they always tend to have this kind of constant competitiveness that is like always a mist in the air and under the surface of everything they do, and you know, they'll be a part of a brotherhood and they'll be best friends and whatever, and they'll tell everyone what great mates they are, and run these international parties together, and they'll always be hanging out and having a beer together, but it's never kind of in the same way where when women have close friendships, you go for a coffee when you're sober, and you'd never ever ever betray her, and you'd always have her back and you'd never throw her under the bus.
00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:22.639
I don't it's not that type of friendship, it's more um, yeah, it's a friendship of pretense, I suppose.
00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:31.919
Um, I think particularly because Andrew was older, he was already doing his PhD, and Javier wanted to do a PhD, so was probably looking for a reference.
00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:35.600
That's my um presumption or my analysis, but anyway.
00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:53.759
But whereas Andrew is very misogynistic in a very kind of like sexually aggressive manner, Javier has the same kind of entitlement, but it's all mind games, it's all like I said, he's a complete narcissist.
00:14:54.000 --> 00:15:03.440
I won't go into detail because you know I can't be here for two days, and also because I already have a podcast episode on narcissism, so just scroll back.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:22.159
Um but Javier is always kind of triangulating women, lying, pitting them against each other, probing people, baiting people, and then blaming them for their anger, you know.
00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:26.559
So between the two of them, really, really not a nice bunch.
00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:32.960
Now I spoke out about these guys, and now kind of we're talking five years later.
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:35.840
Obviously, I'm a very different person, I'm a lot older.
00:15:36.080 --> 00:15:43.120
I realize how naive I was, and it does make me cringe, but I had never, you know, kind of come across people like this.
00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:53.279
Yes, I was a massive feminist, as anyone who already knew me knew, but you know, I was a massive feminist because for many reasons, you know.
00:15:53.360 --> 00:16:03.759
I grew up in a small town where all of the women I knew just became housewives, and I wanted a career, and I wanted to travel, and I wanted, I don't know, I wanted the sex in the city lifestyle.
00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:11.200
So the spark of my feminism was never anything to even do with men, it was to do with what I wanted to do with my life.
00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:21.279
Then, you know, I went to university and you get a lot of sexual harassment and stuff like that, and you probably become more aware of the pressure on your looks.
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:24.720
I think I had a bit of an eating disorder at one point at university.
00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:45.360
Um, you know, so then I, you know, I remember reading the beauty myth and being like by Naomi Wolf and being like, yeah, this is the next step to feminism, you know, this is the thing that throughout my adult life I think I've gone through where you think you're a feminist because of X, Y, and Z, and then you find out at the next hurdle, the next piece of misogyny is even worse.
00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:53.919
So when I met these guys, to come back to my point, yes, I was naive, A, because I'd never met anyone like this before.
00:16:54.080 --> 00:17:03.039
Never mind had I not met men like this before, you know, kudos to all of them, like my guy friends at university and whatever.
00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:11.119
Not only had I never met men like this before, but I just never met people who socialized on this level, shall we say.
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:21.119
So, anyway, I speak out about misogyny really by Andrew and Harrier.
00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:24.720
And to come back to my point, you know, I was really naive.
00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:28.880
I thought this was just it, we just had free speech.
00:17:29.119 --> 00:17:30.640
I was speaking to friends.
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:35.359
Yes, they were male friends, but I was speaking to friends.
00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:40.079
Um, and I was never expecting the backlash of what I got.
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:43.200
I remember being shouted at by older male friends.
00:17:43.359 --> 00:17:53.440
I remember being told it was the boy who cried wolf, and this guy, you know, I don't I don't want to get into too much details because this is going to be public at the end of the day and anyone can find it.
00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:55.359
But these men absolutely destroyed me.
00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:59.680
I mean, I got full I got PTSD from Javier, it's really, really, really intense.
00:18:02.400 --> 00:18:12.960
Um, but the fact, you know, I five years ago, you know, now I kind of know what to expect, but I was just taken aback.
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:16.319
Um, you know, I thought there were bad people in the world.
00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:21.920
I wasn't that naive, but I thought most people were good, and that when you spoke out, people had your back.
00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:31.039
I'm warning you now, the best piece of advice any woman who has suffered extreme abuse or misogyny can be given is to keep quiet.
00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:34.319
And yes, that sounds wrong.
00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:53.440
Yes, that sounds like advice we shouldn't be given because it, you know, in an ideal world we wouldn't be giving it, but to protect yourself, you really do have to keep men's secrets, and then once you're kind of like over the initial kind of like heartache of it all, then find a way to speak out anonymously or whatever.
00:18:53.599 --> 00:19:23.759
But if I could go back in time to one part of my life, it would be don't speak out, do not speak out because you are just gonna be smear campaigned and you're gonna be bullied, and people are gonna call you crazy, and people are gonna call you a liar, and like I said, from this Japanese community, it's not like it was a school, it was it wasn't like people knew me from school or university or work and had known me for years and years and years.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:34.559
So there was this big community of people who would be like, Watch Sean, really, you know, this was you know people were more familiar with these guys than me.
00:19:35.119 --> 00:19:53.519
Now, this is uh one of the uh you know darkest points of this whole story with these two guys is that this guy then manipulated a woman, and I'm not gonna even give her an anonymous name because I don't think the women involved in these stories deserve even that.
00:19:54.079 --> 00:20:12.000
There was a woman who was a bit of a gossip, maybe a bit naive in her own respects, um, but maybe just from a different kind of kettle of fish to me, who I could um was very yeah, she was a gossip, she was very good at getting information out of people.
00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:14.000
I said a bit too much.
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:16.400
I'm not gonna go into the details of it.
00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:38.480
Um I do think, you know, she should have uh I still yeah, I mean she should have cut ties with them a long time ago, but these uh men are very abusers are just as easy at recruiting allies as they are recruiting victims sometimes.
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:48.960
Um so anyway, I spoke out about this these guys to this woman who was full of running this so-called feminist group, which you know obviously was just a load of crap.
00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:59.920
It was just some girls' hangout group, you know, it was loaded of just a group of girls who were I don't know, just random women, don't even think they were particularly intelligent or mature.
00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:11.920
Anyway, um I spoke out to this woman and she fed back everything that I said to these guys that I'd complained about.
00:21:13.039 --> 00:21:25.279
And they horrendously bullied me, you know, I was crazy, I was a liar, they aimed all these social media posts at me, but they did it in such a sneaky way that I didn't have evidence.
00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:37.440
Um, which and then of course, when you've not got cold, hard out evidence, people can just pathologise you and call you crazy, and it's a bit like, yeah, okay, I will I will always know my truth.
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:41.680
Um so that's Andrew and Javier.
00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:59.599
I then leave Japan and I had um a third friend who is also a male scientist, but this guy's English and he's the same age as me, who was doing a you know, again, doing a postgraduate in chemistry at Kyushu in Japan, they're all the same.
00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:15.440
Um and this guy was literally like you know when I knew him I thought if there's any guy who's not a misogynist, if there's any guy you're gonna be on woman's side, if there's any guy that you can still trust, it's this guy.
00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:16.720
Oh gosh, I was wrong.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:18.640
If anything, he's the worst.
00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:21.920
Well, maybe not the worst, maybe Javier is the worst.
00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:28.960
But anyway, this guy always we were friends.
00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:40.079
I think he'll now deny that um when he fabricates his own stories in his own head or tries to protect his own reputation for whatever reason that I'll come on to.
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:44.880
We were friends, but towards the end he was a little bit odd.
00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:48.000
Now, again, you know, this was all five years ago.
00:22:48.319 --> 00:23:08.000
I was very naive, um, partly because I just think growing up and as a young adult, I'd been around in retrospect, I'd probably been around quite nice people, quite nice, normal people, things like intersexual competition, you know, gossip, bitchiness.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:09.200
It just wasn't really.
00:23:09.359 --> 00:23:24.319
I'm not saying that you know my entire social life was a bed of roses and everybody uh, you know, I'm still friends with everybody I've ever met in life or anything like that, but I'd never seen real, real nastiness or real, real kind of just social dysfunction.
00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:29.200
Anyway, this guy was my friend, um, but it was always a bit odd.
00:23:29.359 --> 00:23:39.200
On reflection now, you know, five years the wiser, he had a girlfriend who had obviously told him that I'm a red flag because he'd probably taken a bit of a shining to me.
00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:41.519
Um, but I didn't see that at the time.
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:45.039
As naive as I was, I thought if you were with people, you wanted to be with them.
00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:48.160
That's laughable, it's so naive, but I did think that.
00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:51.119
And I thought if you didn't want to be with them, you'd break up with them.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:24:00.799
I didn't, but you know, obviously a lot of men, they have their relationships, and then they just look to see where they can jump to next, things like that.
00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:04.559
So this guy, you know, he was my friend.
00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:08.160
He'd ping-pong back and forth in terms of closeness a lot.
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:09.839
I won't go into details on that.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.079
I think because you know, he had this girlfriend who told him I was a red flag, etc.
00:24:14.319 --> 00:24:14.880
etc.
00:24:15.519 --> 00:24:20.400
Um, I could go into a lot of detail in this part of the story.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:30.480
Um, but I think I'll refrain for now for going into too much details in terms of particular events and circumstances.
00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:40.480
Um, but we've left Japan, we're back in the UK, he comes up to see me for my birthday, everything's nice, everything's normal, you know.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:42.400
We go out drinking.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:54.000
Um, he drunkenly confesses that he really likes me and then collapses out drunk, which is something at the time which I thought was a bit odd because he's engaged to another woman at this time.
00:24:54.079 --> 00:25:03.759
You know, the girlfriend from Japan is now now a fiance, and I thought it's a bit bit odd to say all that, you know, in a kind of the truth always comes out in when you're drunk kind of way.
00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:09.519
And I thought, how odd to even be able to think that of another woman when you're engaged.
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:18.160
You know, I thought people got in, you know, I've never wanted to get married, but it's bizarre that the people who do seem to kind of respect it as an institution the least.
00:25:18.319 --> 00:25:28.400
Anyway, he did that, I kind of thought nothing of it, in the sense that, you know, it was something I kind of laughed about with girlfriends a bit, but I didn't really kind of dwell on it.
00:25:29.119 --> 00:25:37.440
Um I didn't speak to him for a few months, and then I um like I said, we did use to we were friends at one point.
00:25:37.599 --> 00:25:41.519
Um, so the kind of birth incident goes to the back of my mind.
00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:49.759
Um and then I go to message him because when I published my book, there was a line in it I thought he'd find really funny.
00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:55.039
So I go to message him to tell him because I think he'll laugh, and I'm blocked on everything.
00:25:55.279 --> 00:26:02.480
And I'm shocked and I'm a little bit hurt, just in the sense that it's a bit like, okay, like why is everyone from Japan so weird?
00:26:02.559 --> 00:26:18.000
And because I've already spoken out about Andrew and Javier, I kind I think I kind of expect this solidarity, this kind of like we're here for you, and I don't know, I just expect people to be good people, I suppose, because I thought quite naively thought that they were.
00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:22.720
Anyway, turns out I'm blocked, and I'm like, okay, whatever.
00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:25.519
I think we correspond a little bit and then it whatever.
00:26:25.759 --> 00:26:36.160
This guy goes to the effort, and this really is psychotic, to create an anonymous Instagram account and start m starts messaging me.
00:26:36.319 --> 00:26:44.480
Now I'm not a romantic or easily swayed by any means by any definition of the word romantic, you know.
00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:47.440
Um but this guy is very manipulative.
00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:55.920
Again, we'll be here for four days if I go into details because you'd have to know everything about my personality and Jamie's personality, etc.
00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:56.559
etc.
00:26:57.440 --> 00:27:06.240
So we he creates this anonymous account to start talking to me behind his wife's back.
00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:07.680
Well, fiance at this time.
00:27:07.920 --> 00:27:12.480
I think I think they got married in Korea, and then I think they got had like a party in England or something.
00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:15.599
So I think she was wife by this point.
00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:16.720
I can't remember.
00:27:16.880 --> 00:27:23.440
Anyway, he starts messaging me, but it's like to confess his undying love for me.
00:27:23.599 --> 00:27:32.400
Now, bear in mind that he's also done this drunk on my birthday, and like I said, I'm not one to betray other women, I'm also not easily swayed romantically.
00:27:32.480 --> 00:27:38.799
You know, my parents had a horrible relationship, so I don't think I'm even I'm even as a young girl, I wasn't a romantic or anything.
00:27:39.039 --> 00:27:44.880
Um, but the way he does it is so manipulative that I think anyone would be persuaded.
00:27:45.200 --> 00:28:06.480
He gets this um anime, and I know that he reads anime, the like cartoon strips, Rosario and Vampire, and he basically uses it's so manipulative and so convincing how he does it because he basically uses the plot of that to be like, Oh, look, I'm the one, I'll tell you in a nutshell.
00:28:06.799 --> 00:28:23.680
So, in this anime, there's um this girl with pink hair who goes to a school, she's in high school, but it because you know, obviously, this is a fantasy anime, it's actually a school for monsters, and she's a vampire, like all these normal school kids kind of turn into monsters.
00:28:23.839 --> 00:28:28.160
Um, there's a lot to it, but I'll just give you the outline of the main kind of two characters.
00:28:28.400 --> 00:28:41.440
Um, so basically, she thinks she hates humans, kind of in the way at this point, you know, I'm distrust distrusting of men due to Harriet and Andrew, you know, I'm quite vulnerable.
00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:44.799
You know, I'm angry because of what I've been through.
00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:59.279
Anyway, he uses this entire entire plot to convince me that he is the one because in the end, this mocha character, this girl who is actually a vampire, she thinks she hates humans because of how they've mistreated her in the past.
00:28:59.599 --> 00:29:05.680
But then there's this um, I can't even remember the bloody character's name, normally I can.
00:29:05.839 --> 00:29:12.480
There's this guy at the univer at the school for monsters who's a human, and he's just like undercover.
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:14.640
I don't know how he got into school, I can't remember.
00:29:14.880 --> 00:29:22.880
He's just undercover because all these kids who are actually monsters like vampires or werewolves or whatever, they're just normal teenagers during the day anyway.
00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:37.920
Um, so she accidentally falls in love with this guy who's just a human, and then the whole thing is like, yeah, you think you hate humans, but you actually don't because I'm a human, and he basically does that to try and convince me that he's the one.
00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:56.000
And now it's really, really, really cringy because I think I don't trust men anymore because of Andrew and Harrier and all these misogynistic men, but actually, there's been someone there who's been there all along, and then he corresponds with me after this kind of manipulative way to get into my head.
00:29:56.400 --> 00:30:05.039
Um, he corresponds with me for about I think about eight months, eight, nine months, and it's all about how like he's gonna leave his wife for me.
00:30:05.279 --> 00:30:25.440
We're really similar because we've both, you know, gone up north to university and then lived in similar areas, but both English, we both lived in Japan, we're the same age, and it's all you know, and it's all like oh, you think you can't trust men, but here's the white knight, here's the man in shining armor.
00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:27.680
The guy's an absolute psychopath.
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:37.119
So he does this, and it's like all just and before, you know, if not, I don't think in Japan I just saw him as a friend.
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:42.640
If he hadn't have done all this, I don't think I would have ever thought of him in a romantic way whatsoever.
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:46.079
Also, he had a girlfriend who is now his wife.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:54.640
Anyway, it turns out, and maybe this does show how naive I was, but you know, I'd never met men like any of these three characters before.
00:30:54.880 --> 00:31:02.160
Um, so it turns out that it was all just manipulation, he's taken the power back or whatever.
00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:20.960
This is all just a seedy game behind his wife's back, and then after literally about eight or nine months of um messaging, he marries or remarries this um girlfriend from Japan, and they have a big party in England, which I'm like, just why?
00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:22.079
You know what I mean?
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:25.599
Like, this isn't like oh I tried to get my leg over when I was drunk.
00:31:25.759 --> 00:31:50.480
This is like this guy has gone to some serious effort to create an anime account and then create a story and then message me literally every night for months, again, in a really really manipulative way because I don't have kind of receipts or evidence as such, um, because it's not like he did it through his own personal Instagram account, because obviously that would be too easy because I could then go and tell the wife.
00:31:50.640 --> 00:31:54.960
So, again, you know, it's real easy to kind of pathologise me, call me crazy, etc.
00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:55.359
etc.
00:31:56.000 --> 00:32:02.079
Now, this is the part that's really interesting, but also really, really dark and really, really nasty.
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:11.839
So, remember I said previously that when I spoke out about Harriet, he manipulated I think this woman was also just kind of like not exactly the nicest.
00:32:12.799 --> 00:32:21.119
I think there's a lot more to it, but he manipulated this woman to kind of attack me by posting these things on social media aimed at me, etc.
00:32:21.279 --> 00:32:21.839
etc.
00:32:22.559 --> 00:32:23.839
on his behalf.
00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:34.400
Jamie does the exact same thing, in that instead of kind of just because it's like I suppose he can't fight me one-on-one because then that's kind of admitting to what he's done.
00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:38.559
So I speak out, you know, I tell his wife, I also tell his parents.
00:32:38.799 --> 00:32:43.839
Um, you also can't expect me to not react at this point because what he's done is horrible.
00:32:44.079 --> 00:32:56.000
Not only is it a horrible thing to do, anyway, to kind of breadcrumb somebody and lead them on to only then pull away, you know, it's definitely a form of psychological manipulation and it's definitely a form of emotional abuse.
00:32:56.160 --> 00:33:11.759
Not only is that really horrible in itself, but he's parti purposely kind of and particularly um targeted me when I'm already vulnerable from these other guys and speaking out about these other guys, which is really, really, really, you know, the lowest of the low.
00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:20.240
You know, even in the anime story, he hints to that with the whole like, oh, you think you hate men because you've been mistreated by them, but here I am.
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:31.839
It's a bit like going, Oh, you think all men are jerks, but not me, and then it's like, oh not really I, we are all jerks, and you think, really, most men I know aren't like you three.
00:33:32.160 --> 00:33:34.880
Anyway, so really, really horrible.
00:33:35.039 --> 00:33:43.039
This guy then follows the exact same dynamic how when I spoke out about Andrew and Harriet, it was women who attacked me.
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:47.200
I then go through the exact same thing again.
00:33:47.519 --> 00:34:00.720
He um I used to have like quite a big platform and like feminist social media, never been big on social media before any of this, kind of sort of a bit pointless and a bit whatever, maybe a bit cringe.
00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:06.000
But you get to a point um where you just have to speak out really.
00:34:06.160 --> 00:34:19.199
I think I spot I blew up on Twitter after speaking out about the Amber Heard case, and you know, that's when I started to like gain followers and things like that, and actually like take part in social media culture, so to speak.
00:34:19.440 --> 00:34:35.280
So, anyway, this guy, the cheating husband, Jamie, m starts to message or get this woman from Japan, another woman from Japan, to message people who are part of my so uh like feminist social media following.
00:34:35.519 --> 00:34:47.920
Now, most women, like the 80-90% of the ones um uh approached by him, don't buy, you know, they block him.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:56.320
They probably block me because like most normal people, you just don't want drama, particularly with people who you don't really know.
00:34:56.960 --> 00:35:08.559
However, three women who dare I say were a bit rough and a bit more accustomed to the drama, they bite, you know.
00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:18.719
I think, and I don't say this in order to be mean, I say in order to give the story the narrative that is correct or the narrative that I saw.
00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:32.719
Um I think these women are more easily manipulated by this man because they're possibly less intelligent and a bit more kind of emotional because they're less intelligent and more easily manipulated.
00:35:33.199 --> 00:35:39.679
Um they're also a bit, you know, like I said, and I'm not being a snob, but a bit rough and a bit more accustomed to the drama.
00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:44.880
So they're you know they're looking for a fight.
00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:56.800
I think they were also, dare I say, envious of me because I've probably done things in life like I don't know, travel, go to university, even just having friends that they haven't.
00:35:59.119 --> 00:36:12.079
So anyway, but they're a particular, they're a particular type of women, and this guy, Jamie, you know, he just steers the pot and gets these women who are quite a similar personality type to the first woman who attacked me.
00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:14.719
Like I said, this isn't all women.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:20.559
Multiple women were messaged, and most were just block, you know, keep me out of the drama, that's normal.
00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:24.880
Oh my gosh, I had absolutely no peace.
00:36:25.039 --> 00:36:31.360
There were social media accounts created in my name, my mother's name, my father's name, my brothers' names.
00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:36.800
I was continuously called, I was horrendously stalked.
00:36:37.119 --> 00:36:42.559
They found out the name of the village where I live, they found out where I worked, they called me crazy.
00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:48.159
The pathologization was, you know, the key component to this.
00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:53.440
You know, you name it, I was a bitch, I was a witch, I was a whore, you name it.
00:36:53.679 --> 00:36:58.159
Um they really nasty stuff as well.
00:36:58.239 --> 00:37:03.119
They left, I think they left human feces outside my apartment at one point.
00:37:03.360 --> 00:37:05.119
I think they damaged my car.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:12.400
Um, you know, I it ri But I was, you know, my friend said it before I even put the words into her mouth when we were both on holiday once.
00:37:12.480 --> 00:37:15.920
She was like, you weren't just attacked by those women, you were stalked.
00:37:16.079 --> 00:37:18.639
And I was like, I know it was so unnerving.
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:25.360
They knew information about me that and one woman in particular who I think has her own issues.
00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:29.280
Already, I think, you know, this was the catalyst that made it come out.
00:37:29.440 --> 00:37:37.920
So maybe there is a bit of a silver lining behind every dark cloud because it allowed me to kind of really confirm my intuition.
00:37:38.079 --> 00:37:46.400
Side note, learn to listen to your intuition about her and kind of be a bit like okay, being a nice person is not letting everybody in.
00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:59.679
Um, so you need boundaries to protect yourself because this woman had absorbed information on me, like really, really closely absorbed information on me and then twisted it to like use it against me.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:02.400
Really, really pathological, nasty woman.
00:38:02.480 --> 00:38:13.119
Anyway, I had her arrested um for stalking because the information she knew and the nastiness within her, like really horrible, horrible, horrible.
00:38:14.400 --> 00:38:29.599
What I find interesting is that both of these stories, let's say if we group Andrew and Javier together, and then we have Jamie as a new incident on his own, he kind of targets me as a vulnerable woman.
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:38.159
A woman who's probably not gonna be believed because I've already spoken out about other men as well, is that it follows the same dynamic.
00:38:38.400 --> 00:39:09.679
And the dynamic is this one, a man abuses a woman, if you want to use the word abuse, I do, but it's misogynistic, you know, whether it's sexual harassment, narcissistic abuse, cheating, but all of these come with the same, yes, one's kind of sexual harassment, it's very physical, the other ones, or the other two are kind of like emotional psychological abuse, but they're all the same kind of this male manipulation and this male kind of entitlement.
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:13.360
And I'm gonna play with you because I didn't get what I wanted from day one.
00:39:13.519 --> 00:39:17.119
That is the key component with all of them, by the way, is that they didn't.
00:39:17.360 --> 00:39:20.400
Javier also thought I'd slept with Andrew, I think, was a bit jealous.
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:24.800
It was a bit ever so weird, um, very, very weird situation with that.
00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:31.199
I think he projected a lot of his own feelings or things onto me.
00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:42.480
It was it's all this kind of like, I wanted you, I didn't get you, now I'm angry, and I'm going to have my revenge on you, and that's why I'm targeted.
00:39:42.639 --> 00:39:46.639
So, one, man abuses woman or a man is misogynistic towards woman.
00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:59.920
Step two, woman speaks out because in both circumstances, like I said previously, didn't realise the enormity of all this at the time, but in both circumstances, I did speak out and I did react because it's impossible not to.
00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:15.679
Three, man recruits an army and spreads smear campaigns in both, and I won't go into the details of this because I think it would just um be sh be more that they could use against me at any point if I, you know, air it out.
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:23.840
But the smear campaigns against me were horrendous, you know, utter utter nonsense.
00:40:23.920 --> 00:40:54.559
You know, I was a witch, I was a bitch, I was whore, you know, really, really horrible smear campaigns and also pathologised, which was particularly easy for Javier and Jamie to do because their abuse was psychological and it was very manipulative, and it was done so in a way purposely to make me look unhinged, particularly with you know the fake, you know, the fake anime account, like, oh you can't prove it's me because obviously, and then this is what these women would say to me as well, which is kind of laughably stupid.
00:40:54.800 --> 00:40:57.119
Oh, you're just crazy, where are your receipts?
00:40:57.360 --> 00:40:59.760
You know, that's evidence, screenshots, where are your receipts?
00:40:59.920 --> 00:41:09.119
How can you prove that it's here when it's like if a man and these men, you know, they have at the end of the day, they're idiots because they're misogynists, but they are smart men, they've all got PhDs.
00:41:09.760 --> 00:41:18.000
If a man is gonna cheat on his wife, he's not gonna do it from a social media profile with his first name, his second name in his face.
00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:21.119
He's gonna do it from an anonymous account.
00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:25.840
I'm really sorry, but like just you know, get a sodden grip.
00:41:26.079 --> 00:42:11.039
Anyway, so man abuses woman, a woman speaks out, man recruits an army with smear campaigns and pathologization, and then step four, the community abuses the woman because in each circumstance of male abuse and misogyny that I've gone through with these three guys, in the end, the worst part wasn't the men, it was the abuse by proxy by the community, which has primarily not fully, there's been the odd angry man, but really far and few between who's gone, you know, it's the boy who cries wolf, but primarily through women who they manipulate um to um fight their battles.
00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:22.800
But you know, I don't want to put all the onus on these guys because these women, they're not just manipulated, they're quite jealous, envious women, they're you know, accustomed to drama, they're looking for a fight.
00:42:23.039 --> 00:42:38.079
A lot of you know, this last girl in particular, who was, you know, Jamie recruited a gang of like these three women in against three or four women against me, but there was one in particular where she was waiting for an excuse to bully me.
00:42:38.239 --> 00:42:46.639
So this wasn't just a like, you know, the thing she'd been absorbing on me, the information she knew on me, she'd been absorbing it for months.
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:51.360
And really, you know, when she attacked me, it came out as a nasty, nasty jealousy.
00:42:51.519 --> 00:43:02.239
So, yes, these women have been manipulated by these men, but also these women, they're not like anyone I've ever met from work, university, they're not like any female friend I've ever had.
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:10.079
These women were ready for an opportunity for drama, for a fight, but most importantly to attack another woman.
00:43:10.320 --> 00:43:32.559
Um, which I am now seeing that this is quite kind of like this just mist of competitiveness, this intersexual competition, just this kind of like pitting women against one another in these kind of more misogynistic social circles, like it does just seem kind of like the norm, which I was completely oblivious to because no one I'd ever met was ever like that.
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:50.079
Like I said, when I was younger, and I, you know, I literally studied feminism, my feminism feminism never really had to be about men, because I don't think any of my experiences prior to moving to Japan and meeting these three guys, I don't think any of my experiences with men were ever that bad.
00:43:50.320 --> 00:43:58.639
And my feminism was more about my place in society and my own life than my relationships with men because they weren't that bad.
00:43:58.880 --> 00:44:02.800
Whereas these three Guys, you know, really flip that narrative on their head.
00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:10.079
Some of the most nasty, manipulative, evil men I've ever come across.
00:44:10.559 --> 00:44:12.320
And it's because they're incels.
00:44:13.360 --> 00:44:22.159
They're nerdy or conventionally less desirable men, so I think have a bit of a chip on their shoulder, particularly dare I say Andrew and Jamie.
00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:25.760
They're just I'm sorry, but they're just conventionally unattractive men.
00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:29.440
Um sometimes, you know, you've got to be black and white about things.
00:44:31.199 --> 00:44:42.000
Maybe a little bit socially inept in in a in a respect, you know, like I said, they're nerdy scientists, these aren't like you know, jocks, chads, or whatever.
00:44:42.159 --> 00:44:43.920
They they're nerdy guys.
00:44:44.239 --> 00:44:55.280
They blame women, I think, in a way, because they have an anger towards women because they are less conventionally appealing to women, or they at least feel or think they're less appealing to women.
00:44:55.519 --> 00:45:00.960
Side note, you know, in brackets, the best way to be appealing to women is quite literally to be nice.
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:02.719
We're not that deep.
00:45:03.920 --> 00:45:08.400
We're also not as shallow as men, but you know, this isn't dating advice for men.
00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:20.320
Um, and they're misogynistic and violent, and that includes or was primarily by proxy, but I'm still including that.
00:45:20.559 --> 00:45:27.360
So, yeah, this is my experience with guys who I'm calling incels, because I don't think this is what most men are like.
00:45:27.519 --> 00:45:33.599
Like I said, before I moved to Japan, which um is a bit of an incel country in many regards.
00:45:33.760 --> 00:45:36.559
Before I moved to Japan, I'd never met men like this.
00:45:37.119 --> 00:45:40.320
Yes, incel does stand for involuntary celebrate.
00:45:40.480 --> 00:45:47.360
One guy's married, the other two I think had slept around with a lot of women at one point, though I do think these women, you know, dare I say were oppressed.
00:45:47.599 --> 00:45:53.519
Dare I say they wouldn't do the be able to do the same in the UK or anywhere else in Europe, dare I say that?
00:45:53.599 --> 00:45:54.639
I don't know.
00:45:55.440 --> 00:46:00.719
But it's the mindset of the I'm an underclass kind of man.
00:46:01.039 --> 00:46:08.639
Maybe I fall short in hierarchies of manhood against other men, so I'm gonna take it out on women.
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:22.719
And like I said, with all three of these men it started of I like you, even if it's just you know, Andrew nothing knew nothing about me, I don't think he even knew my second name, what I studied at university, my political point standpoints, you know.
00:46:22.800 --> 00:46:36.639
I don't think, but he liked me, which really, you know, stupid men, you know, probably just I like the look of you, but I'm going to project something onto that and tell myself I like you, I like you, I want you, I think I'm gonna have you.
00:46:36.880 --> 00:46:38.000
I can't get you.
00:46:38.159 --> 00:46:43.039
Like, you know, Jamie thought he was gonna get his leg over on his on my birthday, definitely did.
00:46:43.119 --> 00:46:46.239
Sorry to if his wife ever listens to this, but he did.
00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:54.239
Um Javier thought I'd had something with other men, um, because you know, I'm more of an open kind of friendly type.
00:46:54.480 --> 00:47:00.159
Andrew thought I was coming to these expat parties because he had an opportunity with me.
00:47:00.559 --> 00:47:04.079
So they all think they're gonna, they've decided they like me in some respect.
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:09.119
They think they're gonna get me, they don't get me, and then they're livid.
00:47:09.519 --> 00:47:10.800
They are livid.
00:47:11.599 --> 00:47:19.679
And you know, how they respond to that, you know, Andrew, it's sexual perversion and that kind of anger.
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:23.199
With Javier, it was, you know, he was a flipping narcissist.
00:47:23.360 --> 00:47:26.079
It was like, you know, how dare someone say to no to me.
00:47:26.159 --> 00:47:32.639
So it was psychological abuse, emotional abuse, pitting women against me, whatever.
00:47:33.039 --> 00:47:42.079
And with Jamie, you know, it was to create this false anime account to kind of convince me I was the one so he could then pull back and then be like, Oh, look, she is chasing me.
00:47:42.159 --> 00:47:46.559
Everyone, oh my god, she's insane, but look at how she's chasing me, you know.
00:47:47.119 --> 00:47:52.000
In these situations, if anything, women are uh chasing accountability, mate, not you.
00:47:52.239 --> 00:48:20.639
Um but they're all kind of the same in that they wanted me, they didn't quite get me, and they erupted with misogyny, rage, and even though none of them hit me, none of them beat me, it was misogynistic violence nonetheless, because you know, misogynistic violence isn't just hitting a woman, beating a woman up, it's psychological violence, it's manipulation, it's emotional abuse, and it's also abuse by proxy.
00:48:21.679 --> 00:48:41.679
Yeah, so that's my story time over because it's we're 48 minutes in now, but this is my experience with men who I'm calling in cells, all three men, you know, situations were quite the same, and they followed that step four dynamic of a man abusing a woman.
00:48:41.840 --> 00:48:56.480
I speak out, he then recruits an army, starts mere campaigns, and you know, pathologizes me, and then I end up being abused by proxy, by other women, by the community.
00:48:57.360 --> 00:48:59.679
So, um yeah, that's my story time.
00:48:59.760 --> 00:49:04.480
Like I said, I might do another episode where I'm much more kind of analytical of it.
00:49:04.639 --> 00:49:09.280
I might take a more theoretical approach, but I just wanted to get the story out there for the time being.
00:49:09.679 --> 00:49:16.880
Um, and that's you know, like I said, this is my experience, not of most men, but of men like this.
00:49:17.360 --> 00:49:20.400
And I do think they're incels.
