Fambushing: Mom Isn’t Missing, She’s Unavailable

jaclyn: Welcome to Authentically Moms. I'm Jaclyn And I'm Sajata and Nothing's Off Limits and we keep it real. In true mom form, always expect the unexpected. I just Yeah all last week we didn't get to record because Breslin swallowed a tooth over the weekend. It was actually a molar. And ended up getting stuck in her esophagus and we took her to the ER, ended up staying five days. We were there Sunday afternoon. Came home Thursday evening. my gosh, for a damn tooth. Like that wasn't on my bingo card ever. Right. Especially like as a special needs parent, you're always prepared for something. Mm mm. I'm not ever shocked when like the nurse calls or school calls, but when it's something that you hadn't even thought of, it's like, here we go. Like this is just it, right? You just have to roll with the punches. Is that how you kinda Yeah, before, honestly before it would get to me, like I would actually and probably 'cause I'm on anxiety medication too. It would really get to me. I'd get a lot of PTSD, especially like going into the hospital when we were getting a bunch of her diagnosis before when she was younger, every time we'd go in the hospital, I would have anxiety attacks because I just there was gonna be something new, but now since there's thankfully nothing new. there hasn't been for a few years. to me, it's nothing more different than like going to the doctor for a flu. Uh-huh. And so I kind of deal with it that way. But before I remember it was really it was really bad, like going to the hospital j just 'cause I don't know. It's I it's actually like really hard to talk about. Really? 'Cause I just remember how I would feel how I would feel and I was so anxious and so scared. I always wanted nothing to be wrong. Right. Yeah. And now, we basically know everything that's going on with Breslin. That's why I no longer feel that way when I take her. And and also I was gonna say you also knew there was she wasn't really Yeah, it was a reason. There was a reason for it, right? That you had a mom intuition and two pretty ER. Yeah. And I mean she swallowed she swallowed a couple of teeth before. They're really, really tiny, and I think this one was different because it wasn't molar and it actually had a really sharp edge to it. So that's how it got stuck in her esophagus. does she have any more molars that you have to like kind of I know. I have to I have to be really proactive. I've pulled a few of her teeth, but now I have to loosen them up enough to where I can physically pull them out. And I always sound like a little bit barbaric and I know. I'd rather not I know do this and I I don't want it to hurt and losing teeth shouldn't hurt. Right. Haven't you heard where you tie it in there? I know, but I'm trying to gauge her pain tolerance while wiggling it too. So she's lost one. So does she have three more to Yeah. I mean I guess you have the molars in the back. Yeah. this was like the right after the canine. It wasn't even like the biggest molar. Because it didn't look that big. I know. It was like I mean she has a small mouth. she's probably the size of like a six year old, that was like the smaller of the next molars coming out. I know I know. I know. I know you never want to see them, but the children's hospitals do so much for their kids. they would come around and They gave blankets out. I know I saw that. To the kids there. I think that I think this is more for people who are there for longer than a a couple of days. and I didn't know this, maybe you know. Okay. So one of them is quilted and there was a red thread tied into it. I found it being purposely put there. Like it is looped in and knotted. It's not like a runoff from something inside. So I looked up red thread, and it said in Middle Eastern cultures it's a sign of like good luck, well wishes, recovery and then it said they do it for hospitals 'cause it's like you're not alone or it it is a special bond between the person who did quilt it and the person who got gifted the blanket, it's kinda d have you heard I know you do red whi ribbon for I mean red thread for I do red thread and black thread. What is a red for you? For us it's like you have good energy. has to do with like prayers and things like that. Yeah, like it was like hey well wish yeah same thing. Yeah. So like after after we have a prayer, the priest would put it on our hands, right? But we also put black ones on to ward off bad energy. okay. So you'll see mine broke, but my sister gave me a black bracelet that she had made and it's just to ward off bad energy. But then I have the red one here also. Okay. So yeah, I thought it was really cool. And to whoever made that particular blanket to put kind of their spin on their culture and stuff like that. I thought it was really cool. That's really they give them gifts, you know, no one wants to be in the hospital. I know. I know. But it's over. Back to business. And then the next day I had to take Nala to the vet because she decided to start limping. So it's just been a thing. I'm like, okay, this week no one can get sick, no one can get injured, no unexpected anything. I need to get my nails, my lashes, my hair done, all that stuff. No one's allowed to have anything. That's not part of the calendar. So you're looking forward to girls' day, yet girls' night yesterday. Yes, yes. I think everyone had been. I think everyone unloaded so much. Yes. It's never enough time though. We just love hanging out with each other. But I feel like girl time, you really need that. Mm-hmm. I feel like if there's no tears and cheers at a girls' night then There was no therapy involved. That's true. I think we should do it more often though. I think it's therapeutic. We don't have to dress up. We can just order Uber Eats food real quick and then just come in our PJs. I was just laughing because our spread of our food last night was so representative of us. we had wings, we had pigs in a blanket, chips, salsa. Queso, samosas, pizza. It's just it was just funny because normally, you know, you have the moms like I'll bring a vegetables, I'll bring a salad, I'll bring fruit. We were like, nobody want no salad at night while we had to eat and and drink. So that was a lot of fun. That was so much fun. but speaking of having some girl time away, fambushing. we gotta explain it. Explain what fambushing. Okay. I didn't know what fambushing was. Fam bushing, right? Fambush. Like like family. It used to be where the kids would track your location if you were eating somewhere or whatever, they would show up and crash where their parents were, to either get free food or just to see them So it was kind of like, cool, you know, we get to see you and now it's evolved to them checking your location, seeing where you're at, and then either making requests asking like, Hey, you're you're coming down this way, can you pick so so and so up or something up or I want this. Or like why are you at Target or why are you getting your nails done without me? Whatever it is. it's great knowing locations. However, is it always good to For the kids to know where the parents are at. I'm all about the opposite. So I've not ever shared my location with my kids. Do you haven't? No. I know where they're at. Mm-hmm. Riya will be like, hey, share your location. I'm like, no. in what instances does she request it? Only like how far am I to come pick her up from school. Okay. Like if I'm taking a while and I haven't checked her text message, when to pick her up or whatnot, then she'll say, share your location to let me know how far so she can come out whenever I'm out there. How about then you just call or text when you're there. So I told her, I like, You don't need that 'cause they're so so I don't think it was done intentionally. I think that that's their way of always knowing when someone's coming over. That that's their that's how they do it with all their friends. They have like locations with all their friends, right? Mhm. And I told I just didn't share it with my kids 'cause they don't need to know where I'm at all the time. I need to w know where they're at because I'm responsible for them, right? Just in case whatever happens and what Yeah, that I don't think anybody argues. I mean I have nothing to hide, but at the same time, there is no need for that. I think that that's one of the issues, I don't think anyone's arguing whether we should know where our kids are at at all times. But I think there is some disagreement about whether or not you as a parent should share your location to your child or Should your child have access to your location at all times? How do you feel about because do you how do you feel about that? I here's the thing. Mm-hmm. I agree with you. I don't think that they need to know where you are at. However, I'm saying this and I do share my location with Donovan, but he's never checked. And he's never used it to find out where I was or asked. So the reason I say that is because when he starts doing that, then I'll feel like, okay, you don't need to know where I'm at. Right now it's almost like he doesn't have it. So 'cause he doesn't care. 'Cause he doesn't care and he hasn't gotten to the age where probably they're all sharing locations and that's like a common thing for him to do. But I could see in those situations I don't want them to know where I'm at. They don't need to know where I'm at. Right. I don't think anything that they tell me would justify me sharing my location versus, hey, when I'm close I'll text you. Yeah, I just think it's another thing to track. It's another thing it's not necessary. Right? It's not like, let me look it up because I wanna tell you I miss you and love you No. They're looking it up to either see where you're at or If they can have something, if you can bring them something, why they're not with you, why they're at home and why you're not. It's never a sweet thing. Okay, so does fambushing also include the spouses have each other's location or is just this parent. Okay. I know I didn't that I don't know. It just it didn't really go into there. So that is another thing. we do share our location. But it it's so weird. We don't use it all the time. Sometimes I forget to even check. that's not my first go to thing ever. So I would text Chas before I even checked where he was at. Just 'cause that's where my mind defaults to. I don't think to check his location. We do not. I I don't share location at all. Like I don't like I don't share my location at all. Does Bob share it with you? No. we don't do that at all. Okay. I don't know. I don't I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I don't think that's it. It's it's definitely it's definitely up to the people in the relationship. I don't have a thing for or against it in that respect. I don't either. I'm just trying to see what the pros for me, like why would I add that to my I guess because sometimes I go to Houston by myself And it always starts in those situations and then then it becomes a little suspect when you stop sharing. You know what I mean? Then that's what Put air tag. Put a little air tag. I see you stop sharing your location with me and then you have to reason why. Exactly. I don't know. I I I w I there's a level of privacy that I want. Because like everything can be tracked now, right? Like they can put an Apple tag in my car and you can tell where I'm at or a backpack or purse, whatever. I just want some sort of like freedom away from mm hmm people knowing where I'm at. I want a little bit of privacy. And that means for my family too sometimes. They don't need to know Yeah. Exactly. I mean I I agree. I maybe like, you know, picking up a piece of cake for birthday or doing something. I don't need you to know where I'm at sometimes. when have you ever picked up a cake for some birthday like that happens so much? I don't know. I'm gonna give you an example. Like I don't want to answer to anybody. That's all. I don't I think f us always being available, when we're at home, let's just be honest, we are always available. Mm-hmm. In they're minds. When we go to the restroom, when I go to my room and the room door is closed, that's my privacy. But they just always think no matter where you're at in the house, that you are accessible to them. Are you talking about kids or hus and spouses? Kinda both. Okay. Okay, but kids more. Okay. I'm purposefully in here with the door closed because I don't wanna be bothered. Right. I don't want to be accessible. But in their mind, as long as you are inside this house, you're accessible for any questions, any needs, concerns, anything. Right. I think that they just need to realize And and this is my reasoning for not sharing it with the kids is that they don't need to know where you're at twenty four seven. There's a difference. Being available and accessible. Right. Just because you can access me doesn't mean I'm available. Or maybe that I don't want to be available. Exactly. So that's the thing. I don't want to be available. That's why I don't share my location. Right. I mean, you can share your location with Chas and gonna be like, well you're in the house and you're available. So it actually doesn't really check it all the time. Like I have I know I have friends who check that and check it all the time. I'll get a random text and be like, hey, how's that Mambo Taxi? I know I heard about that. I'm like, gosh. You know, but I I guess I just don't do it as often. And I know it's funny and I know people do you have your friends? Your friends and you have no I don't think you were sharing it for a bit. Yeah yeah and you stop. I don't see this is this is where we get into it, right? Like then how come you don't you haven't shared yours with me? 'Cause I don't even know how to do that. I don't know. There's something that when you go on your text message, it says location, but then you can also go to three sixty. Okay, so I don't have that yet. I guess when the kids start driving and I know there's like pros to it and stuff, yeah. I haven't gotten there. This is just literally like sharing your location on Apple. and here's the other thing. It does run down your battery. So that's kind of like why you don't want that location service on all the time. We don't share, we don't We're not gonna go there. But the thing with us is You you have the right to be inaccessible, unavailable. Unavailable, yep. You don't have to be burnt out to feel like it's a legitimate excuse or reason why you just need some alone time. do you usually kinda tell your kids like, Hey, I'm going in the room to go watch a show for like thirty minutes? Like, give a heads up. Or do you just go in there and then I never get to h give a heads up. I never give a heads up because you know what that's gonna be? And this is very sweet. But Laurel's gonna be like, Can I come with you and watch whatever? Like I know you're not gonna go in there and take a nap or alone time. You're gonna be scrolling, doing whatever you want, but in peace is what you want. Mhm. In peace. And if I announce it, I don't get the peace. If I don't announce it, I'm kinda winging it. We'll see how many minutes it takes for her to like realize I'm missing. Right. And then come find me. I feel like there's they always sense it. if I don't tell anybody what I'm doing and it's odd that I'm not in the kitchen or in front of them, they will come looking for me just to be like, okay mom, you're in there. I mean they're older. Yeah. But they will kind of be like where Am I? But it does feel odd to me not being, like you said, in the kitchen or the main area. Yes. That it feels odd. Yeah. Yes, like you feel it shouldn't. This is your fucking room. Yes. when I'm gonna lay on my bed like lay on my bed and watch T V I'm like What do I need to be doing while I'm watching T V? Can like can I fold up like, you know, basket of laundry or things like that. But yeah, you it it does come to your mind, like, can I just watch without thinking about nothing? Yeah. Right. And does the constant connectivity does that hinder your ability to just con completely disconnect. No. Not for me. So you can. I I think you do a pretty good job of Yeah, I disconnect. I I have stopped my Apple Wa like I've limited it and I don't check my text messages. You won't get a text message for me right away. Sometimes you will. Sometimes it'll take days. But does that also include you scrolling? You're still being connected. I don't scroll. I don't nope. I do not scroll that much at all. Are you doing anything on your phone? Or your phone is just not I do shop on my phone. But that is kind of therapy. Yeah, exactly. That's equivalent to you doing nothing. Yes, that's exactly exactly. There it's therapeutic to me to just have FOMO and figure out what am I missing out there and I shop. That's it. But if you're gonna ask me, am I scrolling to look at other people's lives and watch all that, I do not do any of that at all. Here's the other Not at all. We're talking about fambushing, like within the family, but you brought up another good point where Riya has her locations for all her friends and then the people who are dating have each other's locations. And you're talking about you don't even share that with your husband. No. But that's a two that's like two different generations. I mean, I don't know if it's a trust thing or i it's just these kids like to know where everybody's at. And I think it's starting a lot earlier. I think they've started that in middle school that they're I can see where this can go really bad really quickly. If you're sharing your locations with all these people, and now you're finding out if someone isn't hanging out with you or when people are together. And that's just a whole other thing. then the the trust part about people sharing locations if you're dating, you're doomed if you do, you're doomed if you don't, because if you do share, that means you don't trust. Or if you don't share, that means then you aren't trustworthy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. If you don't share you're not trustworthy? Yeah. If I don't share my location with you, then there's a reason why I'm not. Am I trying to hide something from you? Right? I guess so. But then if I'm sharing with you, you request me to share, that means you don't trust me enough to not share. That's what I'm saying. You're doomed if you do, doomed if you don't. Yeah. I'd rather be on the side where I don't share. That's what I'm saying. and then you're gonna have cliques Yeah. And that's just nothing good leads to any of that. I feel like why is it anybody else's business? Like I'm talking about the kids. Like relax. Let's not worry about what everybody else is doing. Worry about yourself. And they're not even driving full time. What does it matter where people are at? I know. I don't know, I don't know where even it got started, I think when I asked Riya where it got started was they would TPing people's houses in middle school. And so they would share locations to see where people live. And that's where they like if they found like a whole bunch of boys were hanging out at so and so's house, at least they know that location. They will go TP. I guess you don't know the addresses. You just your GPS tells you where to drive, you just figure 'cause before how did we do it like we had to know exactly how to get there. Well, we only did people's houses that we knew and where they lived. No one I mean they just figure out where they are and GPS takes you there. I think at some point the more accessible you make yourself to other people, the more shit you you'll find. don't go looking if you don't want to find out. Right. You go looking for your friends and find out half of them are hanging out and you're at home doing nothing and then I'm depressed. my friends are hanging out with me. Are they talking about me? All of that stuff is is leading that there's nothing good. It's leading more to anxiety and more issues like than not. Sometimes it's better not to know than to know in that case. you know, I know families run differently but for us, you know, when I am not with my kids, unless it's an emergency don't bother me. if we're on a date, don't ask where are y'all? What are you eating? if it's something legit, yes. Text but like, hey, where are you at? I'm running errands, what do you need? Nothing. Just wanna see. If they had the tracking location, girl, we'd be getting requests all the time. yeah. And and the thing is w we deserve and not we deserve We should have our alone time whenever the fuck we want it. Yes. And that is part of self care. It's not like we need to escape our kids, but we definitely need time away from our kids. And they don't need to know where what we're doing if I'm at lunch somewhere and they're here like, it's not fair yes it is. Yeah. Y you can do when you were mid forties you can do whatever the fuck you want. Whatever you want to. I think that's where I would say is is crossing the line. using it as a way to ask for things or rides and stuff like that. if they see that you're on your way home and you're gonna pass something that they don't need and they're asking you to get or like and then it puts get upset at you where you're not taking them some places. Or like if something is on the way, in my mind, I wanna just go home. I don't wanna stop there. But then when they ask you and they're like, it's right there, yes, they don't need it, but they want it. You can also feel bad as a parent too. Like I just don't wanna go there. Don't make them make you feel bad. Don't d I don't yeah, don't let them make you feel bad. But at the same point time So you just avoid it, smart girl. So you're saying you avoid all of that by not sharing the locations to anybody. Nope, nope, nobody needs to be I think that's how you do it. I need peace of mind. Like peace. I think for all of our sanity, Again, it works for some people. I may eat my words later, when they're driving or whatever, but I just don't see a reason why they need to know my location. I get why parents need to know where their kids are at, mm-hmm. But in the reverse situation for me personally, I don't I don't think it's necessary. And if you want to share with your husband and wife, that's a y'all thing. I don't think that there's one right or wrong answer to that. Mm-hmm. And if someone is sharing back and forth with their kids or their spouse, I'd like to know the pros. Because I don't see any right. I'd like to know the pros and maybe I'm missing something. Right. You know? but right now where the kids are at, I can't and their ages, they don't need to know. They don't need to know. And I was thinking about this, like I in my mind you're like, Okay, you have your kids' location, but how long are you going to track them? And I'm thinking Exactly. Probably till they graduate college. Now that also becomes something like is it fair to track them that late? Is it for your sanity or their safety? Or your nosiness? I think it would be a hard justification 'cause I I do want them to have their privacy. I guess it matters what your intentions are to have a location at a later age, not like when they're married and whatnot. I think it's for safety. They're in college, from what I hear, they can do dumb things until the age of twenty five. I it's we all did dumb things. I know, but I wanna be able to know their location for safety wise. But I wouldn't be checking their location where they're at, what they're doing, But I don't even check Rhea's I think it's there is that comes a level of trust too, right? if your kid has lied to you and there's obviously trust issues, I totally get it. And that's probably why you don't Well he's not driving yet. But but but Aryan when he goes on his own and he's riding his bike, I do track him because I'm like, Okay, he's at the park, so I need to go and drive and pick him up. Mm-hmm. Does make sense? Yeah. Because he doesn't have his phone on him all the time. wherever he's at, that's how I track his location. So I do check locations when they're in the neighborhood when I need them. Mm-hmm. so I guess there's different levels. I don't actively check Donovan's even when he goes to somebody's houses. But once they start getting older and I know there's gonna be some lying then it's like, Okay, you have to earn our trust again. I think it that also determines on how shary your family is with their locations and how often you check and for what reason, Right, right. I don't know. Let us know how you feel about this because obviously it's new. We grew up in a world where our parents did not know anywhere anything that we were at and we and we fucking lied. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. and it was easier. So I get it that sometimes it isn't fair that we don't need this stuff, but that the fact that we do have it and why not use it? I can see the argument for both. Yeah, I think well back in the days when we were younger, we didn't have accessibility to just go different places. Like we could either walk or ride a bike or get a ride with a friends' parents But today's they can teen Uber and get somewhere. I feel like they can get it they can go a lot further than we could. Yeah. But they can just Get around and It's it's different kind of freedom. Yeah. It's very different. But let us know. Send us any emails requests or questions to our Gmail account at AuthenticallyMoms. You can follow us at Instagram, our page @AuthenticallyMoms. Don't forget to rate and review wherever you're listening to this. And you do you, Boo. Yes. All right. Bye. I forgot it. Shh I forgot it. You gave me that look. Like I was like, shit, I forgot. Like She'll get it right. She'll get it right. I gotta like put it on my screen.