WEBVTT
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What's up, friends?
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It's Chance.
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Welcome to No Ends.
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It's the last one for the season.
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For six months, this show has been me asking the experts, hospice workers, nurses, social workers, about the things many of us can agree are pretty tough to talk about out loud.
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So for the finale, we flipped it.
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We put out an open call, a list of questions about aging, caregiving, and grief aimed at millennials and Gen Z.
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The instructions were simple.
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Pick a question, hit record, and send a voice memo.
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No names, just your age, and maybe where you call home.
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The recordings came in from people I've met and some I haven't, and definitely from some places I've never been.
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20 to 42 year olds, two continents.
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What I found so interesting was how the stories they told, the feelings they had, what they shared with us.
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So many of them I felt exactly.
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I mean, staring down my first gray hair in the mirror.
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Uh yes, been there.
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Somebody watching a grandparent slow down, wishing they could record every story before it slips away.
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I've been there too.
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Here's the first voice.
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I'm based in Brooklyn, New York, and I am 36 years old.
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I what I want my aging to look like and what scares me about it.
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Um I would definitely like to age gracefully, you know, mentally and physically.
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Um I would like my aging process to be a healthy one and one where the demands of my life can meet me where I am physically and emotionally.
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So that is in reference to, you know, my my housing, my social security, my community.
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As I age, I would like those things to age with me and aid me along the way.
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And one of the things that scares me is that some of those things can be unpredictable.
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So getting older, I know having these safety nets in place get really important.
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And you know, as you age, your earning power can dwindle as you are less able to earn money in a multitude of ways.
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So, um, one of the things that scares me is that the state of the social safety nets are may not be as secure as they are now when I do reach um a more vulnerable age where I'll I'll need to depend on them.
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Another thing that scares me um is just watching your abilities change.
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That's something that I have witnessed with loved ones and have spoken at length with loved ones about.
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Uh you know, the dysmorphia that happens when you in your mind you're still young and agile, and then the mirror and uh, you know, your physical body almost it's a sobering realization when you do realize that you're not you're not the age you think you are in your head, learning to embrace that and accept that, you know, slowing down your pace, changing your diet, changing your habits.
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I know when you get older, these things don't just become optional anymore.
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Um, they they can very frequently become a matter of life or death or a matter of quality of life.
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So these are those are some of the concerns that I carry as I continue aging.
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I've already started slowing down and noticing um how much longer it takes me to get ready in the morning and how sore I am after doing something that I used to enjoy in my teenage years, like playing basketball or playing softball.
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Um so yeah, it's it's just um keeping your your mind and your body on the same page, and um just going into aging with serenity and acceptance, I think, are the most important things.
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I'm 20 years old, my pronouns are he, him, and I'm from New York City.
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Please excuse any noise in the background.
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I have a few thoughts on this subject that you have proposed today.
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To start off, I'd like to talk about how uh grief is more tangible when you share when when I have shared a personal connection to lost ones.
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So I've noticed this as a personal connection, as in a relationship, and I've noticed this as also a spatial connection.
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For personal connections, I think that's more obvious.
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I've lost several people who I've known personally to me across my lifetime, and opposed to when someone dies who is a complete stranger to me, where I still feel empathy for their close ones.
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When someone dies who is close to me, I feel a real level of pain with that experience.
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And then on the topic of a spatial or of a physical shared connection with someone, for example, recently I was in Colombia when the 7.4 earthquake struck.
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I was in Bolgata in the airport and I was getting on a plane, and when we landed and I saw the scale of catastrophe, I felt a lot more empathy than in other similar disasters where it's still a similar tragic loss of life.
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But I think that the actual connection to the surrounding environment and and not personally knowing anyone affected, but seeing people get affected by something where strangers I was just passing the street on might have lost someone close to them.
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For me, all of these feelings have grown as I've aged, and I think as a teenager, a lot of them were a lot more suppressed, but getting older, I've noticed that these um feelings are more physical and tangible to me.
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And another thing I've noticed about death is that there's two parts of death, and that's the process of dying when someone is in old age or has a terminal illness, and close family members of a dying person are actually suffering through the experience of knowing that someone they really care about is close to passing away.
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As I've gotten older, I uh think a lot more about living a longer life as opposed to when I was younger when I didn't really think about when my life would end at all.
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I would still claim that I'm not afraid of death, that it's a part of life and a continuous cycle, but I do want to make choices now that will positively affect the span of my lifetime.
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Alright, so let me get the the demographic stuff out of out of the way.
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Um 34 PM Recklinghausen, Germany, I can spell it for you later.
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Recklinghausen, it's hard for me to say.
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Yeah, and your questions are wild.
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Uh these are very, very deep questions that I think a lot of us hitting the 40s within the next you know 10 years are starting to consider as the world burns around us, uh, and we don't even know if we're gonna be aging appropriately.
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But also the privilege that we have in even asking ourselves these questions is amazing, um, and we should reflect on that too.
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What do you want your own aging to look like and what scares you about it?
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Pausing.
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Um when I saw my first gray hairs, I was in Egypt.
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I was spending six months there, it turned out to be six months, you know, dealing with the trauma of my previous relationship and uh growth and healing and trying to move forward and and and things like that.
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When I saw them in the mirror, there was a moment of, oh, I need to move on.
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Um, and for me, I think that it there's this feeling of urgency now uh that I didn't have before.
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And it's subtle, it's subtle, but it is um very much present where I am focused more on happiness.
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The urgency in going slow too.
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Like I make sure that I take my time with things now.
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I think when I saw those gray hairs, I was like, oh, I don't need to rush anymore.
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In the sense of I need to rush It's so silly, I know.
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It sounds so when I think about it, it sounds so contradictory in my head, but like it's I I I need to I I don't know if it's an urgency in the sense of speed or urgency in the sense of focus and concentration.
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Like I really need to focus in my when when I saw it in the mirror, I said I really need to focus now.
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My energy needs to be focused.
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And it doesn't have to be rushed, but there's an urgency.
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There is a a permeal, like, oh my god, I don't 35 years of my life are gone now.
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I have experienced so much in my life that there is no like mid-crist uh midlife crisis where I feel like I need to go and explore the world, or I need to go and buy something, or I need to do something.
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I think the urgency for me right now, not time-wise, but the focus, is really focusing on those important moments.
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Like, okay, I need to sit with my family.
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My parents are dying.
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My biological mother, she turned 70.
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Um, my German uh parents, uh, the ones that I they took care of me really, they still take care of me.
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My mom had cancer, and my my I see my father getting older.
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And my grandparents, luckily, in Germany, are still there, and I can still hang out with them, literally had lunch with them today.
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But I can see the signs of aging and I can see the signs of decline.
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Seeing them age and seeing myself age shows me that time is limited and that I need to really spend time with people that I love.
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I'm not too focused on the physical parts, maybe because black don't crack.
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But I am very much focused on my own potential decline.
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I can feel my body changing, I can feel my brain not being able to do the same things it was able to do before.
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That scares me.
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And God forbid I develop Alzheimer's or dementia in any form, towards the end of my life, I would hate to lose the knowledge of what I've gathered throughout my life.
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And all of the incidences that I've gathered so far, and this has only been 35 years, 345 years, um, make me who I am.
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So who am I without it?
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Um I was very grateful to go to Germany and hang out with my grandfather last year because we went on walks, and he has a he's 89 now, 88 then, and I could see the decline.
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Like he was so active before.
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He used to ride his bike, he used to be the most like you know quick-witted.
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He's still he's still quick with it, but he's not quick-witted.
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Like there's a there's a pause that happens.
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There's a and he notices it, and it frustrates him too sometimes.
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Um we walk around, he says, Oh yeah, this is what this used to look like in in 1940.
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This is what this uh was like, you know, when the Americans liberated us.
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This is what this was like, you know, and hearing those stories come out of him now, it's like I want to record all of this.
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I because sometimes he forgets even those things.
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That's what scares me.
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That's what scares me about EJ.
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Not the gray hairs, like, let me look like George Clooney or Obama, white stripe me, skunk me up, I will look fine.
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Um, but the the mentality, like the within my brain, that's what scares me.
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Hi I am 34 years old, and I am based in Baltimore, Maryland.
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So the first question is what do you what do I want my aging to look like and what scares me about it?
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I think um so far what my what I have been valuing the most about my aging is everything that I'm doing to keep myself able-bodied and strong.
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Like I I feel very, very blessed to be able-bodied and then to have spent time strengthening my body and knowing that that that this is a practice of mine moving forward.
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Um, I want aging to be peaceful.
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I want to keep enjoying being in my body in the different ways, like having different hobbies, dancing in different ways.
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Like, dance is such a huge part of my life as a way of enjoying my body.
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So I hope that I'm still dancing.
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Um, and I know it's possible because at the dance socials, I dance salsa.
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At the dance socials, there's people of all ages, including older people, just having fun.
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So it's already a part of what I know is possible and what I hope is possible.
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Um, what scares me about aging, I think sometimes a lot of things actually.
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What scares me about aging is how unpredictable I think things can feel.
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I often think that that's just a part of being alive.
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Unpredictability scares me.
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And in terms of aging specifically, I think since having lost both of my grandmas to cancer, I think it's made me feel some more fear, honestly.
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I provided care for my maternal grandmother as she was in hospice care with my mom, her daughter, my sister, and my cousin, who is her son's daughter.
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So all of her women descendants were providing care for her at the same time.
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And it was really amazing.
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I'm really grateful for that experience.
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It's definitely one of the most amazing things that I've ever gotten a chance to live through.
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It felt like we took care of her in the way that she had taken care of all of us in so many different ways, and we got to be at an angle of the cycle of life together in a way that was incredibly life-changing and life-giving, and I'm extremely grateful for the experience.
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They taught me a lot, and being able to have the privilege to be like at the feet of that moment in the life cycle is definitely something that changes your perspective on life in a pretty permanent way.
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I'm grateful for the experiences I've had with it, and with my grandparents in particular.
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The next question is: Do I think younger generations have a greater understanding of death?
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I'm not sure if it's greater.
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I think it's specific in its own way.
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Um, I think, as far as I know, in human history, there's always been a lot of death.
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So I feel like, in common with anybody from any generation, I feel like all of us probably have a pretty visceral understanding of that in our own context.
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So I wouldn't say that I have more of an understanding of death than anybody else.
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I feel like me, a millennial, feels like I can grieve pretty openly, like whatever that means to me.
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Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of I I have a lot of language around grief as I've moved through it.
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You know, it impacts you in all kinds of ways, but ultimately I don't feel like I am what I have seen in different moments in my life with my family members, which is like in denial of death or like unwilling to talk about it as a reality that will happen to everybody, and that will be hard every single time, most likely.
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I can't imagine it being not being.
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I'm a pretty private person, and yet I feel like I can be open about my grief and very open with my close inner circle.
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I think that one of my core beliefs, if not my core belief in this lifetime, is that aging is a privilege, and that if you are getting to age, wow, amazing.
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Like, what are we going to do with this lifetime?
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Aging is a privilege, I feel like at really at any age, but I think being now in my mid-30s, I really do feel that.
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That's the thing I guess I feel really open to talk about as a millennial, which is like I are we know that life is precious.
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I got to be a part of both of my maternal grandparents' final days with my sister, and it was really beautiful and life-changing, and I'm incredibly grateful that I got to experience that and uh meet them at that moment in their life cycle and be able to confront that moment with one another in our own ways.
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Like, I feel like both of my experiences with my maternal grandparents was incredibly honest.
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Like it felt like the being able to be there and to talk with them in those moments and just share space and confront the reality that was coming felt very life-changing and very humbling, and a massive lesson that totally changed my life.
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And I'm grateful that I got to see them.
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And we got to have a moment with one another to honor the relationship that existed in person, um, knowing that we were going to be now transitioning our relationship into um a spiritual ancestral one.
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Hi, I'm 42.
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I use sheher, and I live in Brooklyn, New York.
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Um, so I was really interested in the questions asked, and it made me think about um the experience that I've had of death and illness when I was 20 and still in college.
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I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and spent a year or so in treatment and surgeries and um going to support groups for other people who had, you know, brain cancer or loved ones um, you know, making their way through the system and on their way out a lot of the time.
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And then five years later, I had another year of surgery and chemotherapy, and so was again in support groups and um cancer centers on the West Coast.
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And um It was a really interesting time for me.
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Looking back, I think of it as, you know, the most alive and awake time I've ever spent.
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Just really, you know, wanting to make the most of every moment, noticing the way the people around me were experiencing their last days or the threat of their last days.
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And, you know, it caused me, you know, that period of my life caused me to volunteer for hospice later.
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And, you know, I I value that time, um, getting to know people that were ill and dying and while I myself was ill and was lucky enough to keep going.
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And so, you know, sometimes I just think, oh, well, you know, you were 22, you were 27, so um, of course, you know, you felt so alive back then.
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And maybe that's true, but I also think it had to do with talking to people every day and going to the doctor's appointments and you know, having the treatment, um trying to keep my body going.
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That was really energizing and made me think a lot about, you know, the impact that I wanted to leave on the earth and how I wanted to be remembered and how you know I felt that I hadn't done enough yet, you know, in youth.
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Um, so now I'm 42.
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Flash forward, it's been a long time.
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I'm not sick anymore.
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And um last fall, my grandma on my mom's side, she hadn't been well, but she took sort of a quick decline.
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She was 90, and um I went to go visit her, and I just got there too late.
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She hadn't passed away, but she wasn't really conscious.
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She was just sort of um like barely in her body.
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And uh I spent, you know, just a day and a half with her before she passed away.
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And I felt so differently about that experience, and have thought a little bit about why it felt so different being with someone, um, you know, having that proximity to death and to illness, and um, I didn't find it, you know, enlivening or awakening.
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Um it was much more um like sobering and humbling.
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And maybe that's partly because you know it's my grandma, so it feels a little bit different than somebody that you meet at the hospital or at the you know, at the support group.
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But I also think it has to do with my age.
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So I'm not in my 20s anymore, I'm in my 40s, and my perspective of death and illness was much more about um, you know, regret what my grandma had left sort of in the wake of her life and what she owed the people she was leaving behind.
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And but more instead of thinking, oh, like did she make the most of her life?
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Instead, I felt like, well, everybody gets forgotten, you know, the people closest to her, what was her impact on them.
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And so I just think that was a really fundamental shift in you know, the way I perceived end of life.
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And um, I guess I think that's probably just because I'm older, so I my focus is less maybe on the potential in my life and more on what's already taking place.
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And so I wonder how that affects people, you know, in different generations or different times of life that are uh that are encountering death and or encountering serious illness.
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And maybe when we're around that, you know, the the leaving, um, when we're more like in midlife or late life, um, maybe the emphasis is more on, you know, the memories of what we'd like to have done differently.
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Okay, thanks a lot.
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I'm gonna go listen to your podcast.
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Have a good day.
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Bye.
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Hey, it's chance for the last time, just for a bit.
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I stayed away in this episode on purpose.
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Those five deserved the space and the room to share their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences with you alone.
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The thing I walked away with, despite having such different understandings from such different places, different ages, is that aging is a privilege, and death isn't the enemy.
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Running out of living is, and every one of them was braver on tape than most of us can be out loud with our families, with our friends.
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But that's the challenge.
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Be brave.
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So take the questions with you.
00:26:57.920 --> 00:27:00.400
What do you want your aging to look like?
00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:03.839
Who might need your care sooner than you think?
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:13.599
These don't have to be questions you answer right now, but they are questions we should be thinking about, we should be carrying.
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:18.640
And any time we speak them out loud, they do get lighter.
00:27:19.039 --> 00:27:26.480
I want to thank Chesapeake Health Partners for supporting this podcast, as well as Hospice of the Chesapeake.
00:27:26.720 --> 00:27:34.319
Thank you to all our guests, thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences.
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:38.640
This is not an ending, it's a beginning.
00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:40.480
I'm Chance.
00:27:41.759 --> 00:27:44.240
Thank you for knowing ends with me.
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:46.079
See you in season two.
00:00:03.600 --> 00:00:04.799
What's up, friends?
00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:06.160
It's Chance.
00:00:06.639 --> 00:00:08.400
Welcome to No Ends.
00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:11.919
It's the last one for the season.
00:00:12.240 --> 00:00:25.440
For six months, this show has been me asking the experts, hospice workers, nurses, social workers, about the things many of us can agree are pretty tough to talk about out loud.
00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:28.399
So for the finale, we flipped it.
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:37.840
We put out an open call, a list of questions about aging, caregiving, and grief aimed at millennials and Gen Z.
00:00:39.119 --> 00:00:41.119
The instructions were simple.
00:00:41.359 --> 00:00:45.679
Pick a question, hit record, and send a voice memo.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:50.960
No names, just your age, and maybe where you call home.
00:00:51.439 --> 00:01:00.399
The recordings came in from people I've met and some I haven't, and definitely from some places I've never been.
00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:05.280
20 to 42 year olds, two continents.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:14.959
What I found so interesting was how the stories they told, the feelings they had, what they shared with us.
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.560
So many of them I felt exactly.
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:22.480
I mean, staring down my first gray hair in the mirror.
00:01:22.640 --> 00:01:24.560
Uh yes, been there.
00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:32.640
Somebody watching a grandparent slow down, wishing they could record every story before it slips away.
00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:34.799
I've been there too.
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:37.680
Here's the first voice.
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:45.439
I'm based in Brooklyn, New York, and I am 36 years old.
00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:50.319
I what I want my aging to look like and what scares me about it.
00:01:50.959 --> 00:02:03.040
Um I would definitely like to age gracefully, you know, mentally and physically.
00:02:03.200 --> 00:02:16.800
Um I would like my aging process to be a healthy one and one where the demands of my life can meet me where I am physically and emotionally.
00:02:17.039 --> 00:02:26.240
So that is in reference to, you know, my my housing, my social security, my community.
00:02:26.479 --> 00:02:33.439
As I age, I would like those things to age with me and aid me along the way.
00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:39.280
And one of the things that scares me is that some of those things can be unpredictable.
00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:49.199
So getting older, I know having these safety nets in place get really important.
00:02:50.240 --> 00:03:05.439
And you know, as you age, your earning power can dwindle as you are less able to earn money in a multitude of ways.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:27.520
So, um, one of the things that scares me is that the state of the social safety nets are may not be as secure as they are now when I do reach um a more vulnerable age where I'll I'll need to depend on them.
00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:37.439
Another thing that scares me um is just watching your abilities change.
00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:43.599
That's something that I have witnessed with loved ones and have spoken at length with loved ones about.
00:03:44.639 --> 00:04:19.680
Uh you know, the dysmorphia that happens when you in your mind you're still young and agile, and then the mirror and uh, you know, your physical body almost it's a sobering realization when you do realize that you're not you're not the age you think you are in your head, learning to embrace that and accept that, you know, slowing down your pace, changing your diet, changing your habits.
00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:28.319
I know when you get older, these things don't just become optional anymore.
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:36.480
Um, they they can very frequently become a matter of life or death or a matter of quality of life.
00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:45.120
So these are those are some of the concerns that I carry as I continue aging.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:05:03.839
I've already started slowing down and noticing um how much longer it takes me to get ready in the morning and how sore I am after doing something that I used to enjoy in my teenage years, like playing basketball or playing softball.
00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:29.199
Um so yeah, it's it's just um keeping your your mind and your body on the same page, and um just going into aging with serenity and acceptance, I think, are the most important things.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:41.920
I'm 20 years old, my pronouns are he, him, and I'm from New York City.
00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:44.879
Please excuse any noise in the background.
00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:49.120
I have a few thoughts on this subject that you have proposed today.
00:05:49.519 --> 00:06:04.639
To start off, I'd like to talk about how uh grief is more tangible when you share when when I have shared a personal connection to lost ones.
00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:18.959
So I've noticed this as a personal connection, as in a relationship, and I've noticed this as also a spatial connection.
00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:23.519
For personal connections, I think that's more obvious.
00:06:23.759 --> 00:06:43.759
I've lost several people who I've known personally to me across my lifetime, and opposed to when someone dies who is a complete stranger to me, where I still feel empathy for their close ones.
00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:51.680
When someone dies who is close to me, I feel a real level of pain with that experience.
00:06:52.160 --> 00:07:05.680
And then on the topic of a spatial or of a physical shared connection with someone, for example, recently I was in Colombia when the 7.4 earthquake struck.
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:27.120
I was in Bolgata in the airport and I was getting on a plane, and when we landed and I saw the scale of catastrophe, I felt a lot more empathy than in other similar disasters where it's still a similar tragic loss of life.
00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:46.720
But I think that the actual connection to the surrounding environment and and not personally knowing anyone affected, but seeing people get affected by something where strangers I was just passing the street on might have lost someone close to them.
00:07:46.959 --> 00:08:05.040
For me, all of these feelings have grown as I've aged, and I think as a teenager, a lot of them were a lot more suppressed, but getting older, I've noticed that these um feelings are more physical and tangible to me.
00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:35.759
And another thing I've noticed about death is that there's two parts of death, and that's the process of dying when someone is in old age or has a terminal illness, and close family members of a dying person are actually suffering through the experience of knowing that someone they really care about is close to passing away.
00:08:36.080 --> 00:08:48.000
As I've gotten older, I uh think a lot more about living a longer life as opposed to when I was younger when I didn't really think about when my life would end at all.
00:08:48.320 --> 00:09:04.399
I would still claim that I'm not afraid of death, that it's a part of life and a continuous cycle, but I do want to make choices now that will positively affect the span of my lifetime.
00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:14.480
Alright, so let me get the the demographic stuff out of out of the way.
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:22.559
Um 34 PM Recklinghausen, Germany, I can spell it for you later.
00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:27.600
Recklinghausen, it's hard for me to say.
00:09:27.919 --> 00:09:31.440
Yeah, and your questions are wild.
00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:47.120
Uh these are very, very deep questions that I think a lot of us hitting the 40s within the next you know 10 years are starting to consider as the world burns around us, uh, and we don't even know if we're gonna be aging appropriately.
00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:55.519
But also the privilege that we have in even asking ourselves these questions is amazing, um, and we should reflect on that too.
00:09:56.000 --> 00:10:00.080
What do you want your own aging to look like and what scares you about it?
00:10:00.879 --> 00:10:01.759
Pausing.
00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:10.159
Um when I saw my first gray hairs, I was in Egypt.
00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:24.960
I was spending six months there, it turned out to be six months, you know, dealing with the trauma of my previous relationship and uh growth and healing and trying to move forward and and and things like that.
00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:29.919
When I saw them in the mirror, there was a moment of, oh, I need to move on.
00:10:31.279 --> 00:10:38.399
Um, and for me, I think that it there's this feeling of urgency now uh that I didn't have before.
00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:47.200
And it's subtle, it's subtle, but it is um very much present where I am focused more on happiness.
00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:50.080
The urgency in going slow too.
00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:54.799
Like I make sure that I take my time with things now.
00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:59.279
I think when I saw those gray hairs, I was like, oh, I don't need to rush anymore.
00:10:59.679 --> 00:11:04.559
In the sense of I need to rush It's so silly, I know.
00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:16.799
It sounds so when I think about it, it sounds so contradictory in my head, but like it's I I I need to I I don't know if it's an urgency in the sense of speed or urgency in the sense of focus and concentration.
00:11:17.039 --> 00:11:22.559
Like I really need to focus in my when when I saw it in the mirror, I said I really need to focus now.
00:11:23.120 --> 00:11:24.559
My energy needs to be focused.
00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:28.159
And it doesn't have to be rushed, but there's an urgency.
00:11:28.320 --> 00:11:35.519
There is a a permeal, like, oh my god, I don't 35 years of my life are gone now.
00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:51.120
I have experienced so much in my life that there is no like mid-crist uh midlife crisis where I feel like I need to go and explore the world, or I need to go and buy something, or I need to do something.
00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:59.519
I think the urgency for me right now, not time-wise, but the focus, is really focusing on those important moments.
00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:01.440
Like, okay, I need to sit with my family.
00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:03.600
My parents are dying.
00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:07.039
My biological mother, she turned 70.
00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:14.000
Um, my German uh parents, uh, the ones that I they took care of me really, they still take care of me.
00:12:14.159 --> 00:12:19.840
My mom had cancer, and my my I see my father getting older.
00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:28.159
And my grandparents, luckily, in Germany, are still there, and I can still hang out with them, literally had lunch with them today.
00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:33.440
But I can see the signs of aging and I can see the signs of decline.
00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:42.559
Seeing them age and seeing myself age shows me that time is limited and that I need to really spend time with people that I love.
00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:48.559
I'm not too focused on the physical parts, maybe because black don't crack.
00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:56.559
But I am very much focused on my own potential decline.
00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:04.559
I can feel my body changing, I can feel my brain not being able to do the same things it was able to do before.
00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:06.399
That scares me.
00:13:06.879 --> 00:13:21.759
And God forbid I develop Alzheimer's or dementia in any form, towards the end of my life, I would hate to lose the knowledge of what I've gathered throughout my life.
00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:34.000
And all of the incidences that I've gathered so far, and this has only been 35 years, 345 years, um, make me who I am.
00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:36.159
So who am I without it?
00:13:37.279 --> 00:13:52.720
Um I was very grateful to go to Germany and hang out with my grandfather last year because we went on walks, and he has a he's 89 now, 88 then, and I could see the decline.
00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:54.559
Like he was so active before.
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:59.519
He used to ride his bike, he used to be the most like you know quick-witted.
00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:02.799
He's still he's still quick with it, but he's not quick-witted.
00:14:02.960 --> 00:14:06.720
Like there's a there's a pause that happens.
00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:11.120
There's a and he notices it, and it frustrates him too sometimes.
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:16.240
Um we walk around, he says, Oh yeah, this is what this used to look like in in 1940.
00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:20.799
This is what this uh was like, you know, when the Americans liberated us.
00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:27.919
This is what this was like, you know, and hearing those stories come out of him now, it's like I want to record all of this.
00:14:28.080 --> 00:14:31.519
I because sometimes he forgets even those things.
00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:33.200
That's what scares me.
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:34.799
That's what scares me about EJ.
00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:41.759
Not the gray hairs, like, let me look like George Clooney or Obama, white stripe me, skunk me up, I will look fine.
00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:49.279
Um, but the the mentality, like the within my brain, that's what scares me.
00:14:52.480 --> 00:15:00.000
Hi I am 34 years old, and I am based in Baltimore, Maryland.
00:15:00.320 --> 00:15:07.200
So the first question is what do you what do I want my aging to look like and what scares me about it?
00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:21.279
I think um so far what my what I have been valuing the most about my aging is everything that I'm doing to keep myself able-bodied and strong.
00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:36.159
Like I I feel very, very blessed to be able-bodied and then to have spent time strengthening my body and knowing that that that this is a practice of mine moving forward.
00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:40.159
Um, I want aging to be peaceful.
00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:48.720
I want to keep enjoying being in my body in the different ways, like having different hobbies, dancing in different ways.
00:15:48.879 --> 00:15:53.360
Like, dance is such a huge part of my life as a way of enjoying my body.
00:15:53.440 --> 00:15:55.919
So I hope that I'm still dancing.
00:15:56.559 --> 00:16:01.679
Um, and I know it's possible because at the dance socials, I dance salsa.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:08.480
At the dance socials, there's people of all ages, including older people, just having fun.
00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:13.840
So it's already a part of what I know is possible and what I hope is possible.
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:19.919
Um, what scares me about aging, I think sometimes a lot of things actually.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:24.639
What scares me about aging is how unpredictable I think things can feel.
00:16:24.879 --> 00:16:27.279
I often think that that's just a part of being alive.
00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:29.679
Unpredictability scares me.
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:44.399
And in terms of aging specifically, I think since having lost both of my grandmas to cancer, I think it's made me feel some more fear, honestly.
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:58.559
I provided care for my maternal grandmother as she was in hospice care with my mom, her daughter, my sister, and my cousin, who is her son's daughter.
00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:04.240
So all of her women descendants were providing care for her at the same time.
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:05.680
And it was really amazing.
00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:08.079
I'm really grateful for that experience.
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:13.200
It's definitely one of the most amazing things that I've ever gotten a chance to live through.
00:17:13.440 --> 00:17:33.599
It felt like we took care of her in the way that she had taken care of all of us in so many different ways, and we got to be at an angle of the cycle of life together in a way that was incredibly life-changing and life-giving, and I'm extremely grateful for the experience.
00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:49.119
They taught me a lot, and being able to have the privilege to be like at the feet of that moment in the life cycle is definitely something that changes your perspective on life in a pretty permanent way.
00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:54.559
I'm grateful for the experiences I've had with it, and with my grandparents in particular.
00:17:56.880 --> 00:18:03.119
The next question is: Do I think younger generations have a greater understanding of death?
00:18:04.480 --> 00:18:06.640
I'm not sure if it's greater.
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:09.680
I think it's specific in its own way.
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:16.559
Um, I think, as far as I know, in human history, there's always been a lot of death.
00:18:16.640 --> 00:18:27.759
So I feel like, in common with anybody from any generation, I feel like all of us probably have a pretty visceral understanding of that in our own context.
00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:32.559
So I wouldn't say that I have more of an understanding of death than anybody else.
00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:40.559
I feel like me, a millennial, feels like I can grieve pretty openly, like whatever that means to me.
00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:46.559
Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of I I have a lot of language around grief as I've moved through it.
00:18:46.640 --> 00:19:10.079
You know, it impacts you in all kinds of ways, but ultimately I don't feel like I am what I have seen in different moments in my life with my family members, which is like in denial of death or like unwilling to talk about it as a reality that will happen to everybody, and that will be hard every single time, most likely.
00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:12.079
I can't imagine it being not being.
00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:19.039
I'm a pretty private person, and yet I feel like I can be open about my grief and very open with my close inner circle.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:32.000
I think that one of my core beliefs, if not my core belief in this lifetime, is that aging is a privilege, and that if you are getting to age, wow, amazing.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:34.640
Like, what are we going to do with this lifetime?
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:43.519
Aging is a privilege, I feel like at really at any age, but I think being now in my mid-30s, I really do feel that.
00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:50.000
That's the thing I guess I feel really open to talk about as a millennial, which is like I are we know that life is precious.
00:19:50.160 --> 00:20:15.680
I got to be a part of both of my maternal grandparents' final days with my sister, and it was really beautiful and life-changing, and I'm incredibly grateful that I got to experience that and uh meet them at that moment in their life cycle and be able to confront that moment with one another in our own ways.
00:20:15.839 --> 00:20:23.359
Like, I feel like both of my experiences with my maternal grandparents was incredibly honest.
00:20:23.519 --> 00:20:44.799
Like it felt like the being able to be there and to talk with them in those moments and just share space and confront the reality that was coming felt very life-changing and very humbling, and a massive lesson that totally changed my life.
00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:47.119
And I'm grateful that I got to see them.
00:20:49.119 --> 00:21:06.640
And we got to have a moment with one another to honor the relationship that existed in person, um, knowing that we were going to be now transitioning our relationship into um a spiritual ancestral one.
00:21:10.799 --> 00:21:12.079
Hi, I'm 42.
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.119
I use sheher, and I live in Brooklyn, New York.
00:21:15.279 --> 00:21:26.960
Um, so I was really interested in the questions asked, and it made me think about um the experience that I've had of death and illness when I was 20 and still in college.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:45.680
I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and spent a year or so in treatment and surgeries and um going to support groups for other people who had, you know, brain cancer or loved ones um, you know, making their way through the system and on their way out a lot of the time.
00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:58.880
And then five years later, I had another year of surgery and chemotherapy, and so was again in support groups and um cancer centers on the West Coast.
00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:01.839
And um It was a really interesting time for me.
00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:09.839
Looking back, I think of it as, you know, the most alive and awake time I've ever spent.
00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:22.960
Just really, you know, wanting to make the most of every moment, noticing the way the people around me were experiencing their last days or the threat of their last days.
00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:31.039
And, you know, it caused me, you know, that period of my life caused me to volunteer for hospice later.
00:22:31.279 --> 00:22:44.400
And, you know, I I value that time, um, getting to know people that were ill and dying and while I myself was ill and was lucky enough to keep going.
00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:54.960
And so, you know, sometimes I just think, oh, well, you know, you were 22, you were 27, so um, of course, you know, you felt so alive back then.
00:22:55.200 --> 00:23:06.559
And maybe that's true, but I also think it had to do with talking to people every day and going to the doctor's appointments and you know, having the treatment, um trying to keep my body going.
00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:22.720
That was really energizing and made me think a lot about, you know, the impact that I wanted to leave on the earth and how I wanted to be remembered and how you know I felt that I hadn't done enough yet, you know, in youth.
00:23:22.960 --> 00:23:24.720
Um, so now I'm 42.
00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:26.559
Flash forward, it's been a long time.
00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:27.920
I'm not sick anymore.
00:23:28.079 --> 00:23:35.519
And um last fall, my grandma on my mom's side, she hadn't been well, but she took sort of a quick decline.
00:23:35.680 --> 00:23:41.920
She was 90, and um I went to go visit her, and I just got there too late.
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:45.119
She hadn't passed away, but she wasn't really conscious.
00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:49.680
She was just sort of um like barely in her body.
00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:54.559
And uh I spent, you know, just a day and a half with her before she passed away.
00:23:54.960 --> 00:24:15.680
And I felt so differently about that experience, and have thought a little bit about why it felt so different being with someone, um, you know, having that proximity to death and to illness, and um, I didn't find it, you know, enlivening or awakening.
00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:22.319
Um it was much more um like sobering and humbling.
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:31.599
And maybe that's partly because you know it's my grandma, so it feels a little bit different than somebody that you meet at the hospital or at the you know, at the support group.
00:24:31.680 --> 00:24:33.680
But I also think it has to do with my age.
00:24:33.839 --> 00:24:52.240
So I'm not in my 20s anymore, I'm in my 40s, and my perspective of death and illness was much more about um, you know, regret what my grandma had left sort of in the wake of her life and what she owed the people she was leaving behind.
00:24:52.319 --> 00:24:57.200
And but more instead of thinking, oh, like did she make the most of her life?
00:24:57.440 --> 00:25:06.480
Instead, I felt like, well, everybody gets forgotten, you know, the people closest to her, what was her impact on them.
00:25:06.799 --> 00:25:13.200
And so I just think that was a really fundamental shift in you know, the way I perceived end of life.
00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:25.359
And um, I guess I think that's probably just because I'm older, so I my focus is less maybe on the potential in my life and more on what's already taking place.
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:36.720
And so I wonder how that affects people, you know, in different generations or different times of life that are uh that are encountering death and or encountering serious illness.
00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:52.880
And maybe when we're around that, you know, the the leaving, um, when we're more like in midlife or late life, um, maybe the emphasis is more on, you know, the memories of what we'd like to have done differently.
00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:54.319
Okay, thanks a lot.
00:25:54.559 --> 00:25:56.400
I'm gonna go listen to your podcast.
00:25:56.799 --> 00:25:57.599
Have a good day.
00:25:57.759 --> 00:25:58.319
Bye.
00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:06.559
Hey, it's chance for the last time, just for a bit.
00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:10.640
I stayed away in this episode on purpose.
00:26:11.039 --> 00:26:21.680
Those five deserved the space and the room to share their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences with you alone.
00:26:22.079 --> 00:26:39.039
The thing I walked away with, despite having such different understandings from such different places, different ages, is that aging is a privilege, and death isn't the enemy.
00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:50.799
Running out of living is, and every one of them was braver on tape than most of us can be out loud with our families, with our friends.
00:26:51.200 --> 00:26:53.200
But that's the challenge.
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:54.480
Be brave.
00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:57.680
So take the questions with you.
00:26:57.920 --> 00:27:00.400
What do you want your aging to look like?
00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:03.839
Who might need your care sooner than you think?
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:13.599
These don't have to be questions you answer right now, but they are questions we should be thinking about, we should be carrying.
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:18.640
And any time we speak them out loud, they do get lighter.
00:27:19.039 --> 00:27:26.480
I want to thank Chesapeake Health Partners for supporting this podcast, as well as Hospice of the Chesapeake.
00:27:26.720 --> 00:27:34.319
Thank you to all our guests, thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences.
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:38.640
This is not an ending, it's a beginning.
00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:40.480
I'm Chance.
00:27:41.759 --> 00:27:44.240
Thank you for knowing ends with me.
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:46.079
See you in season two.
