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in order to have deeply meaningful, healthy, sustainable,
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and rich in connection, which I think is the point
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of relationship.
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It's like something I say to clients all the time
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that's like further together faster.
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Like in our relationship, it should be adding.
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Like you guys should be better together
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than you are on your own.
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I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there
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like are not in the highest experience of relationship
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that they could have.
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And it's because of things like that.
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Like self love and again, going back to my podcast name,
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I really love myself.
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Like self love is maybe an expression of the divine
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where it's like when you value yourself,
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when you value other people, you are meant to like
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really take your energy very seriously
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and protect that energy.
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You just are better.
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Like everybody is better and when we're all people of that, you know?
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Welcome to the Re-Patterning Podcast
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where we believe your mind body system is your domain
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and that choosing the beliefs, habits, and patterns
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that best support you is your birthright.
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I'm your host, Artin Lee,
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creator of the Re-Patterning Project, an eight week course
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in learning to free yourself from the patterns of your past
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and program your mind for your dreams of the future.
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Join me for these extraordinary conversations
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as we unpack the keys to creating our reality.
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Welcome back to the Re-Patterning Podcast.
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I'm your host, Artin Lee,
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and I'm so excited to introduce today's guest.
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Her name is Gianna Rackham
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and she is a love and relationship
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and leadership coach for spiritually aware women.
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If you like what you hear in our conversation today,
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you can check out her website at
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giannalightworker.com.
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You can also check out her Instagram,
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her handle is Gianna Love and Light.
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And she also has a new program coming out called
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"Iconically Single"
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and it's for women who have either recently been
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through a breakup or maybe they've been single
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for a little while
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and it's about finding that self-worth and confidence
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and your joy and your deep love of life
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so that when you do get into a partnership,
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you're not gonna settle for anything less
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than what really sets your heart on fire.
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So definitely check that out if you like her work
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and you like our conversation.
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And she and I have been friends online for a little while.
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I was very honored to be featured on her own podcast
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called "I Really Love Myself"
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so definitely check out her podcast as well
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if you like our conversation.
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And of course last but not least,
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she is the aided to my Wednesday.
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(laughs)
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And I'm so excited to chat here
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'cause I'm also just like looking forward to us catching up too.
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It's been a while since we've had to have
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like gotten to have a full conversation.
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So welcome, welcome to the Reparoting Podcast.
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Tell folks a little bit about what your work is
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and what you do.
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- Thank you so much, first of all,
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and like I just to speak about art in in front of art in.
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I just have so much respect and admiration for art in in her work.
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And you know, we connected online like years ago
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and she has truly become a friend
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and she is just such a great person.
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So I'm just so honored to have had you on my podcast
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and to be on yours.
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And yeah, we definitely have like the Wednesday evening.
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(laughs)
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(laughs)
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- Oh, I like the word, "when we're together."
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So, so fun.
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- This might be the only time I've seen you
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not wearing pink actually.
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- I know and you know why?
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It's because I have specifically black and white earrings on.
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(laughs)
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- I have so much time together.
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(laughs)
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- But yeah, definitely a lot of pink in the wardrobe for sure.
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But yeah, so as far as my work goes, you know,
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I originally started doing relationship coaching
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like a bit over 10 years ago.
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And I got into it pre-orally and pretty young
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because I really do consider my childhood
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just like a crash course and like understanding
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like the fundamental basic of how to have like a healthy
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relationship experience in your life
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because I was just so like entrenched in the opposite.
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And I just really, really had to figure that stuff out
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and heal it at a very young age.
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And over the years like my work has grown or evolved
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as I have and a lot of the work that I tend to do
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with women is largely around relationship work
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where we confront patterns around like self-worth
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and codependency.
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And a lot of the women that I work with
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like Lena Bittmore and Ashton and Energetic
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and so I help them kind of like be construct
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where they might not be in their most authentic expression
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of that energy so they can really be in alignment
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with attracting the kind of partnerships that they want.
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But over the years like that work has also evolved into
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an element of leadership coaching
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because a lot of the women that I work with
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tend to be like high achievers,
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a lot of them are business owners
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and a lot of those relationship patterns
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of I'm sure Arden can speak too so well.
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Don't just translate into romantic relationships
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it's also like relationships as a whole, right?
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And so when we have these patterns of like people breathing
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like self abandonment, overgiving, like validation seeking
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and that like manifest into our career relationships
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we those relationships can get dysfunctional
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and really be a drain on our energy.
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And also can impact like our authentic expression
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of our purpose and even impact and like our income as well
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and like hold it back.
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And so I found my work evolving into that like area
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as well over the years but yeah, I mean,
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I find like our relationships impact so much
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and the way that we are in relationship
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impact so much of our quality of life
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and not just our quality of life
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especially it impacts future generations
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especially if you go on to have children
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and that's something that in particular
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I feel really passionate about because you know,
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as a child I grew up in like domestic violence
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and just like witnessing addiction
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and you know, narcissistic abuse and financial abuse
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and so it's become something helping women have like
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healthy sovereignty but also connection and interdependence
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has been something that is just invaluable to me.
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So I just love this work so much. (laughs)
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- Yeah, something that I've always admired about your work
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and I'll just say this like for our listeners.
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Some of my listeners perhaps who have like
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been with me for a while or just who know of my history
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know that I used to be a dating coach back in the day
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and I left that field because what was funny about it
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was like when I wrote my book back in the day
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a book called The New Rules of Attraction
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as soon as it came out I felt like I had painted myself
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into a corner because all of a sudden
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there were like all of these sort of articles
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or book reviews about me and I was like,
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yay like publicity this is great for my book
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but all of them were like the woman who can get any man
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she wants. (laughs)
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- So I was like, oh my god, what do I do now if I fail
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and so I actually had like a lot of my,
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I mean I was young and whatever
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but like I had a lot of my sort of like
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am I good at this like tied up in whether I was winning
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the approval of the person that I desired
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and that obviously like that led to some over learning
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of those patterns that was ultimately not healthy, right?
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Like it's great to have like a structure
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like know how to create a conversation
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like there were valuable things about my work
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you put like approach it with a playful spirit
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and like this is fun let me like expand my skills
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that let me like try and connect with people or whatever
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but the minute you put that value on
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whether I can get the person I want is like whether
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whether or not I'm a fraud I was like oh my god.
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And when I came across your work Gianna
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like what I love about it so much is that
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I've seen you at this point in like two different relationships
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and also single and you have never ever linked
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the value of either yourself or your work
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to whether you're with a partner
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and you're so clear on the fact that it really is
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about how much you love your own life
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and how much you love yourself
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and how much you're in alignment.
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And when you're in alignment you will naturally attract
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things that joy and that passion for life
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like draw in, right?
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You will call in the right kind of partner
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you will call in the right thing
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and even if you're not with a partner right now
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like then that's fine.
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Like there's nothing about that defines you
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and that fact that it is that inner alignment
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that is going to lead to those soul mate connections
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right or to those just really super aligned connections
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with another person.
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And so I've seen you do this work
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and you were actually like at the time
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'cause as you said like we've known each other
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online for a little while now.
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At that time I remember being like this is maybe one
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of the only love and relationship coaches I've ever seen
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that doesn't put that emphasis on you need to get the guy.
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Like every all the books out there
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like the books from the 90s
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the books from the 2000s like even you know
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like Matthew Hussie and people like that.
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And like I know the person who taught Matthew Hussie
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is a friend of my name Adam Lyons
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at least one of the people who taught Matthew Hussie
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and I've back in the day like I read some his content
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out of curiosity and it's actually like not half bad
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but it doesn't all of it is still like
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I'm going to get you this result.
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You are going to get the man right?
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Get the like the rules right?
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Get the ring on the finger like
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it's just and it's so that attachment to outcome
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is like the opposite of what actually is healthy.
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So I'd love for you to share like more about that principle
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that you stand by because I think it is what
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I think it is the key defining factor actually
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that puts your work into such a place of integrity.
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- Thank you so much for saying that.
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And like I love that we're able to have like this conversation
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with a lot of like background context
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because we've known each other for so long.
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Like when we were when we first met
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like I was in a relationship with someone
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who I got engaged to that I was with for a while
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and it was a very about eight years
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and it was a very like beautiful like healthy relationship
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but ultimately like I out and grew it
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as I was kind of like refining like what I really wanted
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it needed in terms of like specific partner qualities
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versus like the fundamental foundation.
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Like like that was stuff I deeply understood
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very early on again just sort of like childhood stuff
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where it's like the fundamental like healthy foundation.
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I just have like the deep belief in the deep knowing
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that like you know I've always used the word like soulmate partners
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and like you know sometimes it's like we need relationships
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to come into our lives kind of show us
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and like help us refine our sense of style
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and sometimes that's like highlighting wounds
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or traumas or insecurities that we need to address
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and sometimes it's helping us refine
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like our specific preferences in terms of like lifestyle
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and like partnership qualities
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and I really am like anti the narrative
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that it's like relationship endings are a failure
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or like being single is like a dirty word
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or embarrassing or shameful because I think that when we
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first of all it's just bullshit and it's not true
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for one but second of all I think that when we take that on
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we start to seek connection from a really disempowered place
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that's also inauthentic it's not from this place of like choosing someone
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who truly is like a really good fit for you in your life
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and vice versa it's I can't be alone or like I don't want to be alone
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or like I need a relationship or to be married in order to feel like
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I matter or like I'm not failing or that there's not something wrong with me
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and like I think when we go into
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because I'm of the deep belief personally
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and don't get me wrong I've worked with so many women over the years
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that have like actively been trying to get into relationships
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for like 10 to 20 years and it's been hard
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and that's like a different story
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but I think in general most people can get into a relationship
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but it's not necessarily like a high quality, healthy,
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deeply fulfilling like match of a relationship
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and so I think that when we are kind of like desperate
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to be in a relationship we tend to kind of like lower our standards
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and we start to kind of like lie to ourselves and self abandon
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and to in order to have that and it may be like
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soothes those insecurities and wounds
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but in like in the long term bigger picture of life
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it really you know like you were saying before we got on the podcast
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like the longer you get on a train going in the wrong direction
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like you're gonna have to come that like that far back you know
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to get back on track so to speak
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and I just really think it's not worth it
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you know it's not worth it to like build a life with someone
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that really doesn't match you and it requires like health abandonment
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and I'm not talking about like healthy compromise
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but I'm talking like you have to abandon like authentic things
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that you need and want that you could have with the with the right person
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and also too it's like you model that for your children
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and your future children if you have kids right
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and like you also just like radiate that vibration
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into the collective consciousness and like
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like that
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no like it's just it's just not required
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and so I think it's really important to be able to have
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in order to have like deeply meaningful healthy
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sustainable enriching connection
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which I think is the point of relationship
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it's like something I say to clients all the time
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it's like further together faster
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like in a relationship it should be adding
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like you guys should be better together than you are on your own
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but it doesn't mean that you're missing anything
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it doesn't mean that like on your own you suck
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or that your life isn't amazing
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or that like you're incomplete right
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but it's like a lot of the times
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I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there
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like are not in the highest experience of relationship
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that they could have
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and it's because of things like that you know
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and so I don't know like self love
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and again going back to my podcast name
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I really love myself like self love
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is to me is an expression of the divine
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where it's like when you value yourself
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when you value other people
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you are meant to like really take your energy very seriously
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and protect about energy and like you know
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when and especially if you're like a spiritually aware person
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who has like a purpose in this lifetime
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like you need that you need that clear head
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you need that creative energy
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you need that space to be able to like birth
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whatever it is that you're here to do in this life
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and if your relationships are like tugging on your energy too much
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or like even holding you back and draining you
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like that does impact like what I believe
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like what your soul came here to do in this lifetime
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and like you know better like everybody is better
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and we're all capable of that you know
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yeah I agree with you 100% on that
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and I've definitely been that person
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who stayed in a relationship that was not right for me
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out of scarcity I was very late bloomer in life
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so I had those feelings of like well
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it takes me a long time to get into a relationship
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I'm very picky about who I'm attracted to
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so it's hard for you know I can go
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and I figure out later in life I'm like
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oh I also have ADHD which means in some ways
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I was self-medicating with crushes
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like crushes would stimulate dopamine
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and they would give me like a sense of like
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purpose and a sense of like a reason to be alive
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and without that I would feel like
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I just I can't get anything done like there's no like what's
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what's the point you know
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and so I not knowing that it was like quite literally a neurochemical thing
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that was going on for me
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I would be like I have to at least have a
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like even if I'm not in a relationship that's fine
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but I have to have like a crush like something I'm working toward
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you know someone that I like
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so I can be this best version of myself
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that I get to be when I feel motivated
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and it wasn't a gosh it wasn't until honestly like
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I think 2021 that I made the connection
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between the dopamine deficiency and my anxious attachment
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like no wonder I would get anxious like
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about the idea of not having anyone there
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because all of a sudden it's like feeling like
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I'm locked in a room with the air being sucked out
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you know like yeah like Jesus
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and then I figured out I was like oh well if it's dopamine thing
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can I just find other sources of dopamine
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and yeah practicing magic making music all of those kind of things
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but I'm like I'm so 100% there with you on like
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if you're in a relationship that is
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you're you're turning a blind eye to the things that are not working
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and not just like problems to figure out or whatever
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but like long term lack of compatibility
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or like you had this a spark of attraction in the beginning
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and now you can't like like go of it
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you want it to be something more
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but it's actually not lasting you pass the honeymoon phase
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because there's nothing that was there beyond that surface traction
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and like so hard so I'm right there with you
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I'm so glad that you've made that a part of your work.
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Yeah thank you for saying that
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and I love what you brought up with like
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neurodivergency because it's like
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something that I really believe is that you know
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we should be whoever like we feel called to be in this life
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but I think that we are also like uniquely our own expression of self
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and like and it's perfect and there's nothing wrong with that
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and like but it's it's really about having like the conscious agency and choice
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to like around your relationship decisions
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and like I think what you're describing with like the dopamine
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I think a lot of people can relate to that
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like whether they identify as like neurodiverture or not
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because it's like I find with my clients who are like
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codependent or have codependent tendency if there's just such a unconscious habit
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of like seeking that like dopamine that joy and like also that self worth
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and that significance and also that like regulation and security
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like through other people and it's such a powerful thing to be able to learn
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and this is like a big part of the work that I do with people fundamentally
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around relationships is to be able to what I what I like to call is like self
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source right like self source like consciously
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those things that we have felt like a band like dependent upon relationships
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for like from a place of that causes us to kind of like abandon like what we really need
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for that season of life or like abandoned certain standards in order to try to get that
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like dopamine or validation or like whatever it is that's super important
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and I love that you were able to make that connection and be like okay
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like my dopamine gets to like come from like magic and like music and like these
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other things that you know feel nourishing and give back and it's like this
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reciprocal healthy relationship that doesn't require you to have to like be
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funneling energy into a connection that may not be like bare fruit or have a
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return that feels valuable to your life so I think that that's
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freaking awesome and I love what you put it I'm just curious what
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when you work with women who are stuck in that pattern where they're getting that
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joy or that dopamine from the crush from the relationship or whatever that is
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I'm curious what sort of things you advise them to get that joy from
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that are not dependent on partnership like if someone was in that pattern
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what kind of things would you encourage them to explore everybody's a little
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bit different but like what I like to do is help them pinpoint like the emotional
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needs that they're getting from that person right and so sometimes it usually
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boils down to like a handful of things it's usually like security
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it's like dopamine joy like happiness, fulfillment, etc. or like a sense of
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significance or like you know like value and you know self-worth and then it's like
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kind of do a little bit of an audit in your day-to-day life and like thought
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process and also lifestyle that where this is like actively where you're
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actively feeling the opposite or where you're craving to feel more of
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the feeling in general and so that can like lead to a whole like rabbit
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whole of like these deeper things that may be people have been using unconsciously
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anyways using like a romantic partnership to like distract themselves from like
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for example how do we two examples I think both are gonna be important
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so when I was younger I had an eating disorder right so I I had just
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under-eating like that over exercising like those kinds of things and it was like
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my you know if anybody that knows anything about eating disorders knows a lot of
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the times those things manifest as a way to try to have control you know which
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was made perfect sense for me and my childhood like I didn't have a sense of
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the control and so that's what something I could control with myself and I had
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these like chronic when I was younger these chronic like body image and
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securities and this would like pop up in my dating life where it's like I would
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unconsciously like default expects like men to not be attracted to me
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which is like crazy and and so like I would just be like
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waiting for a response from them and I would just be like on this anxious edge
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that would be like really distracting and and I would just be like seeking that and
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like putting my energy there and what I really needed to do which I did eventually is
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like bring the focus back to myself to like address the fact that like my day-to-day life like
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it in my head like I would look in the mirror every day and be like oh like I would be
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criticizing myself like I would be having all this anxiety around like the way
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that I ate that day or like whether or not I worked out hard enough and like I should
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just go work out more like and it was just this thing that's like self abuse right and like
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that I really found empowered me a lot in my romantic life was to to address that and like really
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move through those patterns once and for all and like another example that I want to share is like
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because I see this a lot with client a lot of the times it's like women who don't love their life
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right like maybe they took a career path that takes up so much of their time and energy they
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have a lot of burnout they have like you know maybe they work in the medical field or
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in law or like in you know the way that they run their business that they're a business owner or
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like they work in the corporate world and there's like this abusive work culture or like you know
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they tend to like self-abandoned and just exhaust themselves like day-to-day out of like people
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pleading and so it's like their life in general is just unfilling and so you know it's like they are
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seeking they hyperfixate on like the romantic partner or like the situation chef or whatever it is
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as a way to like kind of compensate for that and so they kind of feel powerless in the connection
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to be able to like hold those standards where they're respecting themselves because it's like they
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kind of feel like they need that to feel okay because they don't feel okay in their life they don't
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like their life and so it's like you know something that I've done through relationship work is
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like helped clients start business it like help them like you know regulate themselves like in like
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when they're working on Wall Street and they like the toxic work culture like being able to
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like set boundaries and like not take certain things personally and like regulate themselves through
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those things to manifest like different career opportunities and experiences and just different
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emotional experiences and the environment so that way it's like they can approach their dating
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life with more like personal power that I sense I love that yeah absolutely yeah I was thinking also
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because I know that you've also started working with women around business and like like you were
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saying before our patterns you know if they show up in our love lives like I have the saying I love
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to talk about in the repatiting projects the way we do one thing is the way we do everything
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and I know it feels like a real blanket statement but it's one of those phrases where
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even when I think it's not true like I always like keep finding more and more evidence of it being
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true and I know for me starting the repatiting project like you know I had worked as a dating coach
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before but I'd never really fully committed to like building a business it was more of a personal
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brand and you can work with me as a coach like if you happen to find me through my blog or whatever
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and when I started the repatiting project the funny thing was I had so many of my own trauma patterns
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around like having clients come up that I had to deal with kind of like a baptism through fire
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and thank goodness like the repatiting project was important enough to me that I was like oh no this
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is like I have to get this information out there so whatever I need to learn like I need to learn
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it on the fly but it was amazing how like yeah you don't think that it's the same thing but
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it really really is I had to like and I had to learn to trust myself and be like wait do I know how
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to set boundaries do I know how to have a healthy transaction that is mutually beneficial to both me
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and the client yeah of course I do okay well then let's just do that I had to like think myself through it
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you know so so I love that you work with women around those topics too yeah because I have something
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like the way that I see business and obviously like we're both like business owners but I believe
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that it's like we create businesses that are you know they have a will of their own there's like a
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consciousness that's like wanting to manifest and be collective for like collective good right and
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so it's like I love that so thank you and so we feel called to like burst these programs these products
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these services and it can be it can be music it can be art it can be courses it can be books it can be
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fashion it can be all these kinds of things and like that's what we're supposed to be doing because
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we feel called to it we want to it likes us up it gives us life it brings us joy and it and like
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other people benefit from it and appreciate it even if it's whether it's be peeling or like an
493
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:52,080
aesthetic and green piece of art in your home that like holds the frequency of the room for you right
494
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:58,000
and so it's like if we are having these like anxious attachment patterns like around clients or
495
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:04,000
we're you know overgiving or we're like self-abandoning like through our transactions you know we are
496
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,880
not only like harming ourselves but I believe we're not holding like a healthy energetic standard
497
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:14,400
for the people that we bring in and how we bring them in and not impact the experience right of like
498
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,720
what like you know because it I and I feel like every business owner like has to go through this
499
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:24,160
in the beginning but like I know for me in early business I feel like I wouldn't attract the most
500
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:29,360
like ready empowered clients they would just be like I want to do anything to get a relationship
501
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:34,560
and like you know and maybe be like a bit penny pinchy like disrespectful like why should I pay
502
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:39,680
you that's for that and it's like that like tell personal to me like I would take that personally
503
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,920
and be like oh like maybe I'm not enough and so I would like want to overcompensate in some way
504
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:48,640
and I would overgift which only just feed the dysfunctional dynamic whereas like the thing that
505
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:52,880
attracts in people who really like value and respect your work and like are like your soulmate
506
00:25:52,880 --> 00:26:00,080
clients if you will are people who like see what you do and like value it and like put that
507
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:05,040
route and and they pay you for it and it like just nourishes their life in some way but it's
508
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:09,920
required in order to attract that I believe like most of the time it's like you have to be respecting
509
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:14,720
yourself like you have to be holding those standards you have to be like you know for lack of
510
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,600
better way to put it and I don't really like language like this in general but I'm just kind of being
511
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:23,920
cheeky which is like you know you can't be like easy like you get and so it's like then like you
512
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,760
have to have standards with who you attract and that doesn't that doesn't mean that you will get
513
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:32,400
less it means you get more high quality people like and I've had that experience in my business before
514
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:37,200
where it's like you know there was a point in time where it's like I had I'd hit the six figure level
515
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,840
and I was like really wanting and feeling capable of more and I wanted more like I just knew that
516
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,840
there was more people I was supposed to be working with and I wanted to like almost double my rates
517
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,280
because that's just what felt really an alignment for the level of service I was providing for that
518
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:56,160
particular kind experience and like I had to it was funny I was like telling myself okay like I'm not
519
00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,120
even having like the level of points I want when I'm like pretty much abandoning myself and like what
520
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:06,240
I'm charging and like whatever and how much I'm giving so like how could I think that like
521
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:13,360
business would be like pick up even more if I like held a higher standard and and I stated that
522
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:17,760
pattern for a little bit and then I finally like it finally clicked for me where it was like
523
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:23,360
actually this makes so much more sense because like when I'm respecting myself and I'm respecting
524
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:29,440
my work I'm even more like magnetic and attractive to people and that became the experience and I like
525
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:34,400
nearly doubled my rate and started booking out for the first time ever and like repeatedly booked out
526
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:42,640
again again again and I was like bam good I've done this long time ago nice oh my gosh yeah those
527
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:49,360
and it's the same thing it's the same sort of like well if I raise my standards fewer people
528
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:54,080
are going to meet it like it's the same thing that happens in relationships and I know for me for a
529
00:27:54,080 --> 00:28:04,080
long time like the people I was dating and say my 20s there was definitely an element of like I feel
530
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:09,360
like I am going to feel secure in this relationship because I actually have my life together so much
531
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:15,440
more than this person does like how could they possibly leave someone like me and the amazing thing
532
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:23,280
that I feel like all people kind of learn as we get a little bit older is that actually it's the
533
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:31,360
people that you lower your standards for who treat you worse. It feels like it doesn't make
534
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:39,520
mathematical sense but somehow raising your standards and saying no I'm gonna have someone really
535
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:44,240
and having to like also expand your idea of what is possible that was such a big part of my own
536
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:50,880
repatterning was like looking to relationship model even fictional ones even like mortician gomes
537
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:58,240
atoms you know I was like I want that level of love and passion and security and like all the things
538
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:03,520
and yeah and being able to be like no that's that's that's possible there are people out there who
539
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:12,000
want that too and I'm actually blocking myself from those people by imagining that either they
540
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:18,160
don't exist or that I can only do as well as this sort of more compromising energy of like well
541
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:22,880
this person will really want to stay with me because they're not doing so great on their own you know.
542
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:27,920
Yeah yeah that's so real because like and I had to go through the same thing and honestly like
543
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:36,160
some people never like evolved past that like honestly regardless of age but I think that
544
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:43,200
it's like my core self like little Gianna like inner child Gianna she was she's like a big
545
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:48,480
lover girl giver like so generous so thoughtful like so loving and I had to learn like this
546
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:55,200
tournament of like when someone wasn't valuing me or like coming in with like reciprocity and like
547
00:29:55,200 --> 00:30:01,520
respect that that wasn't a sign to give more love to get them to you know and to just be like more
548
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:07,040
loving to get them to finally value me no because like nine times out of ten and it's a little bit more
549
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:12,800
complex than this but you know a lot of the times like people don't and it this is like very common
550
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,440
with like codependency and like even you know if you want to teeter into like topics of like addiction
551
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:23,680
as well but it's like a lot of the times like people don't change when they're enabled you know what
552
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:29,360
mean like they kind of have to have a bit of like stark reality where it's like no like you don't
553
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:35,600
get more love when you're an asshole or you don't get more love and like warmth and generosity when
554
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:41,600
you don't like nourish the and like respect and appreciate and reciprocate to that source of like
555
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:47,200
warmth and generosity and love and kindness right that's kind of a shift that we have to start to make
556
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:51,520
where the way it's like positioning yourself like the way that you and this isn't something that you
557
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:56,080
have to like overly think about strategically it's just something that you do when you do like
558
00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:00,080
when this concept lands and you do just respect yourself and value yourself where it's like
559
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,880
the same thing and it's like again like this applies to like business I feel like but it also applies
560
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:11,040
to relationships the way that we unconsciously position ourselves like creates how people treat
561
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:15,760
you know I've had clients who and again I don't knew people from this lens but I'm going to like
562
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:21,600
kind of speak to the common mentality out there which is like you know oh I bet that woman who
563
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:28,560
is like very successful and like in her late 20s or late 30s and like looks like a victorious secret
564
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:34,800
model or a Kardashian or whatever the beauty standards are now like men just you know are falling
565
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:42,160
to her feet or like that woman who is like older and like doesn't have a lot of money and like
566
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:47,920
doesn't have like abs like men probably she probably just has to like beg for love not necessarily
567
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:54,640
like I've had clients who would fit the archetype of the first woman who have had just really
568
00:31:54,640 --> 00:32:00,800
a trotious experiences with men because it's not about like the boxes you check it's about the energy
569
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,440
that you bring forward and I also and like I have a recent client example of this this woman who
570
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:13,680
is in her 60s and we we did some like relationship work for her poster boy and she like I don't
571
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:18,320
I wasn't surprised but I just like was so giddy and like had so much fun seeing it where it's like
572
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:23,520
men of all different like age ranges and like really successful loving generous men were just like
573
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:28,560
pursuing the hell out of her and it was because and she's now in a partnership that's been very happy
574
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:34,000
but she's now like a lot of the times it's like people think that you have to be perceived a certain
575
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:38,320
way and it's so much not about that's the way that you carry yourself it's the way that you like
576
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:43,600
unconsciously position yourself that determines like how people treat you and like also like
577
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:48,720
how you allow people to treat you because it's like it's so much about just the way that you carry yourself
578
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:55,920
you know yeah one thing I've noticed in a lot of your content is you use the the word soulmate a lot
579
00:32:55,920 --> 00:33:02,080
like soulmate connection soulmate relationship and there's I'm sure like there's a lot of different
580
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:07,920
ways that soulmate can be defined and I love like looking at all perspectives I'm just curious what is
581
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:14,480
your personal definition of a soulmate yeah I mean for me a soulmate and don't get me wrong like I
582
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:19,440
definitely believe there are people that we journey with through many lifetimes and they take on
583
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:27,040
like an unconditional role in your life to maybe like wound the fuck out of you to like help you
584
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,520
be more self-aware of the things that are going on within you and and there's an unconditional
585
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:40,000
soul level love in that but to me like a soulmate that I wish for everyone is the person who comes into
586
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:47,120
your life when you're at a place of healthy like reciprocal partnership and it's someone who
587
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:53,920
can see you and understands you and like values your unique characteristics and traits and also
588
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:59,360
like compliments your life and like fits into like what you need for yourself to be your best cell
589
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:04,640
but also like adds to it and you do the same for them and so that's really like I think that there's
590
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:09,040
a certain kind of like soulmate that I talk about that comes in when you're at a place of like
591
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,920
secure attachment you know like self-love polarity embodiment that feels authentic and right for you
592
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:18,960
as far as like masculine feminine energies and then it's like you also know yourself
593
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:23,440
you know what you want and then it's like the universe kind of sends in that person that like
594
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:27,920
largely fits you and then probably checks a few other boxes and you didn't even like consciously
595
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,400
think about it's like a little surprise and delight from the universe if you will and and that's the
596
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,880
person that you can really have long gemini with that's that's what I would determine us all made us
597
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:42,240
but in the way I talk about it anyway nice so it sounds like for you a soulmate is essentially like
598
00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:50,160
when you have removed perhaps the conditioning like the scaffolding the patterning that you may
599
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:54,400
have picked up through wounding you know through trauma throughout your life or just through like your
600
00:34:54,400 --> 00:35:00,560
life experience when you clear that distortion away so that your own soul is a very
601
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:09,280
clear resonant frequency then you attract someone who has that same clear frequency so your
602
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:16,240
souls can meet does that sound like kind of what you're talking about yeah I love that it's so
603
00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:22,000
like and I know like we've talked about this too like one of the things that that I'm a big big
604
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:26,320
big believer in is just the idea that like we are not our patterning we are not our programming
605
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:30,640
and so I also recognize that there are people who come into our lives there are people like you said
606
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:35,040
who are like they're soulmates but they actually come in to teach you a lesson like you meet up
607
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:40,000
in this lifetime to be like oh no I don't want that and like there's there's there's theories out
608
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:43,920
there that like like those are the people who actually love you the most on a soul level because
609
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:49,200
they're willing to be they're willing to be rejected by you in this lifetime so that you can learn
610
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:53,920
this karmic lesson in some ways it's a gift and I know that can sound a little bypassy but like there's
611
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:58,480
a part of that that also resonates with me on sort of like a non-dual level that I kind of like yeah
612
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:03,600
and then there's also people that I feel like maybe like we have traveled through lifetimes before
613
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:09,280
and maybe their soul just happened to pick up a lot of programming or patterning along the way
614
00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:14,400
maybe they went through a lot of abuse as a kid maybe they're struggling with addiction maybe they
615
00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:21,600
know whatever patterns that they have and what I love about where we agree on this is that
616
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:29,840
my feeling is like that person can still be your soulmate but it still requires you getting in both
617
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:36,400
parties getting into that clear resonant frequency before the relationship will actually work so
618
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:41,760
even if there is someone who's like oh that person who you know like there's all those memes online
619
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:46,320
that are like you know oh that that guy who's like not calling you back or like the dude who's like
620
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:51,920
you know whatever you know drug dealer you're obsessed with whatever is like not your soulmate
621
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:57,920
and I'm always like you know not necessarily because yeah yeah your soulmate can pick up these patterns
622
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:03,280
too but the important part is that you're not using the soulmate connection to justify
623
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:08,560
harm or abuse or distortion or lack of resonance in the relationship or like bad behavior on
624
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:14,160
their part or your part it's like okay if that is your if that is your soulmate then you better get
625
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:19,440
super clear because like you were saying before it's only when you get this clear in yourself like
626
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:26,400
enabling people doesn't help you better like be the lighthouse not the life raft and get so clear
627
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:33,040
and bright that that person if they are your soulmate will be inspired by you and be like oh damn I
628
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:39,280
got to step it up right yeah I mean amen and like like I feel like it last time when we hung out in L.A.
629
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:45,360
like we had such a deep conversation are like along this thread that I love so much oh my god yeah
630
00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:50,640
I was like damn like art and gets it like the complexities and the nuance because it's like people can
631
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:55,360
be so black and white with relationships where it's like you know like something I used to say
632
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,120
like early in my earlier in my relationship coaching work a lot that we would kind of like have
633
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:04,320
I feel like funny side conversations about where I'd be like oh my god like the oh romanticization
634
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:10,320
of twin flame conversations and it's like I get it and again like there can be truth to that but it's
635
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:16,320
like also two people like who are kind of like longing for connection and feel like a bit of
636
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:21,280
desperation for love and like connection and belonging and maybe have like codependent patterns
637
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,600
and like ancient attachment patterns like it can be a little bit of an unconscious and not that
638
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:31,440
not that this is like the intention of like twin flame culture necessarily but it's like a lot of
639
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:37,120
times people can use that as a justification to just stay super hyper fixated on a certain
640
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:42,000
relationship in a certain connection that like honestly in a different place you probably wouldn't
641
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:48,240
even want that connection but then it takes a lot of self awareness because I'm so excited to
642
00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:52,400
even like say this like I know you're gonna get this and I yeah it's just so juicy it's something
643
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:58,560
I get asked a lot or I've been asked a lot about over the years is like can you manifest a specific person
644
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:04,720
right and I'm like the reality is is like if you are someone who deeply knows yourself you're deeply
645
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:09,520
intuitive and like you know you know like your patterns you know where you tend to get anxious or
646
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:14,960
avoidant or like give your power away or like self abandon or whatever it is if you're overall a good
647
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:20,480
place and you feel a certain kind of bark or a certain kind of connection with someone there is a
648
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:25,280
level of recognition in that they're they're kind when you're when you truly are a conscious person
649
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:30,720
sometimes you're like I'm recognizing my person and like they're circumstances and my circumstances
650
00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:37,280
are not an alignment yet and so like I can manifest that person because they are a manifestation
651
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:42,720
of an embodiment of my deepest like souls truth and partnership and I can like smell it on them
652
00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:49,040
and so in that in that regard like when you do come even more into integration with your most
653
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:53,280
authentic self like you do you can call that person in and people do it I've seen it I've helped you
654
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:58,480
with it but a lot of the times and I'm telling most of the time these people like are honestly
655
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:03,680
in delusion and they're in just like self deception and self betrayal because they're using that
656
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:09,040
relationship as like a way to bypass like these things that they need to work on and this is why
657
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:14,800
nine times out of ten I paid a client don't hyper focus on a certain person focus on the archetype
658
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:19,680
and the the essence the energetic essence of what you want because if it is that person you can
659
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:25,440
be open to them they will come in but if it's not then they will fall away and that tends to be what
660
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:30,000
happens because a lot of the times people a lot of people don't have and it's not that they're not
661
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:34,480
capable of it but it's like a lot of the times people aren't hyper fixating and like getting
662
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:40,240
obsessed with certain people from from a place of true self recognition it's like codependency it
663
00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:46,080
anxious attachment it's like they're you know your traumas are like are very um
664
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:51,680
compatible if you will right and so I love that you kind of brought up like that nuance because it's like
665
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:58,000
a lot of the time people are either one one board or the other or it's like oh like that
666
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:04,400
incredibly harmful to my well-being person is the one or they're definitely not the one because
667
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:09,680
they would respect me if he wanted to he would and and life tends to be a little bit more nuance
668
00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:15,280
than complex than that and people have people have issues and and it's so much about like the energy
669
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,840
and the standards and the boundaries that you bring into the connection that determine like the
670
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:24,800
real health and longevity of the connection and something I say a lot in my work is like the way in
671
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:30,560
which and this is why like being single is like honestly so fun because I'm like I can literally
672
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:35,280
attract whatever the fuck I want and I mean like like I can literally attract whatever the fuck I want
673
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:40,560
because of the energy like I put out and like you know someone can you know in my last relationship
674
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:45,680
as an example of this where it's like he he's told me he was like you know I thought I was like
675
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:50,720
damaged and was just this emotionally avoidant person but like he had this cycle of being like
676
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:56,320
the avoidant in like an anxious avoidant dynamic and I like came forward to him and granted I think
677
00:41:56,320 --> 00:42:00,400
that like the stars aligned circumstantially to where we were a little bit more like disarmed with
678
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:05,600
each other but like I brought in like more of a secure attachment and also there was just an
679
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:11,680
an innate authentic connection there and so like he was not a boy with me at all it was quite the
680
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:16,080
opposite like he was he was very secure like if anything if I got a little avoidant he'd be like
681
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:21,760
what are you doing and I was like oh you felt that huh you know like and so it's like your energy
682
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:27,440
impacts so much of what you experience one of the things that Neil Strauss said not in his book
683
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:33,360
the game but in his sort of follow-up book The Truth which sadly was not nearly as popular as the
684
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:37,520
game was and because the truth it's it's a really great book and one of the things that he says and it is
685
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:45,440
trust is a leash that gets longer the less you pull on it that idea of like if you're not constant
686
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:50,240
like you don't get it's literally an energetic push pull thing right it's like if you're not
687
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:56,080
tugging on someone or constant like validation or like need for security like there it's like
688
00:42:56,080 --> 00:43:00,800
oh hey where'd you like where'd you go like you give them the space to to come back and I want to
689
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:04,720
also talk about like you mentioned twin flame culture and I'm just going to say it man like twin
690
00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:12,080
flame culture is messed the f up like it is and it's because there are so many I'll just say it there's
691
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:17,920
so many cults out there because there are so many people who are especially in the dysregulated
692
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:22,400
times that we are living in there are so many people who are searching for that regulation or
693
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:27,600
security in a relationship and what they think of as a soulmate relationship and there are so many
694
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:33,280
people who are mistaking that limerence or that feeling of a high for a soulmate connection when it
695
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:38,000
isn't right when it's just like as you said either your trauma's meeting or that spark of attraction
696
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:42,160
or whatever it is because they haven't really experienced what a soulmate connection actually feels
697
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:47,280
like so they're like this must be it because it feels so intense and so there's cult literally
698
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:54,160
quite literally cults out there that capitalize on that and they're selling and this why it makes me
699
00:43:54,160 --> 00:44:00,800
so angry because I'm someone who has been on the twin flame path and when I started on it gosh roughly
700
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:08,000
10 years ago now I felt like I was out of my mind I've I was getting all these signs about like oh this
701
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:14,160
is the twin flame path you know just just do it and because like everything that I'd saw and read
702
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:19,760
about it in the culture just felt so backwards but what I I'm so very grateful that like somehow I
703
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:24,160
learned at least like the theory of it and the theory of the twin flame path of what you're supposed to
704
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:29,600
do is it goes like okay you meet this person and immediately all like you're wounding and patterning
705
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:34,160
comes up because there is this frequency of love between you but there like things are not gonna work
706
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:39,600
if you're both in these kind of anxious avoidant polarities and you know you've got to both get into
707
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:46,080
balance and so you do the inner work you release the patterning that is you know distorting that
708
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:50,640
sort of soul frequency that we were talking about and they're like and if you get there like if you
709
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:56,640
get to that place then the other person should too because you have that chord between the two of you
710
00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:04,800
and in my experience it doesn't like it doesn't go at the same time necessarily but like but the key is
711
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:10,880
and this is how like as a chaos magician my practice of chaos magic is built on the foundation of the idea
712
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:16,800
that I choose the beliefs that get me the results that I want and why found with a twin flame path
713
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:23,760
is the only result the only belief that got me to that place of total non-attachment and just
714
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:29,520
you know worrying about myself was the belief that your twin flame is not necessarily one person
715
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:36,720
it is whoever you attract when you are in this frequency of resonance because you may go through this
716
00:45:36,720 --> 00:45:44,800
the funny thing was jihanna I I got to a place where I'm like actually I don't think that belief is
717
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:53,760
categorically true but it has to be the belief in practice because you can't know if that person
718
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:59,920
really is that person or not unless you are a hundred percent willing to let them go if you're a hundred
719
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:05,120
percent willing to be like I'm just going to get there and see I'm going to get there myself and if
720
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:10,640
it's not them then I was wrong about it and it was just limerance and I don't want them if they're not
721
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:15,120
actually that soul connection and the only way to find that soul connection is to get there so I
722
00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:20,080
went through phases where I was like oh maybe I'm going through a few different twins who are simply
723
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:26,880
my mathematical polar opposite of whatever reflection of is like of the work that I've done on myself
724
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:33,360
and that was the belief that got me to that place and like I'm not right like I'm just say for
725
00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,880
listeners whatever I'm like I'm like not ready to tell that full story yet and also like I want to
726
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:43,680
focus this on jihanna but I just want to validate the fact that like every twin flame thing that
727
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:48,480
I saw out there so much of it was just like put there your twin flame you must fight for this
728
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:57,280
connection I'm like that is the mathematical opposite of what you need to do like yeah so part of my
729
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:01,920
like part of my whole thing is like going forward into a lot of what I'm going to be doing is like
730
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:07,680
I just want to rewrite the culture's entire notion of what twin flames are and what the path is to
731
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:11,840
actually do it because it turns out actually if you do it that way like it works one way or another
732
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:16,960
either they are your twin flame and then like stuff happens or they weren't your twin flame and so
733
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:21,120
you attract an amazing person from this place that you're in this soul frequency resonance place
734
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:26,720
of at that point like either way you win you know what I mean yeah exactly exactly like you know
735
00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:32,640
something that I just love everything that you spoke to and I love the term chaos magician like
736
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:37,520
I'm gonna need to know more about that at some point maybe like oh yeah it just like we choose
737
00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:41,520
the beliefs that get us the results that we want like we measure our beliefs and practices by
738
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:48,240
the results that they get us just that that title like resonates with something in me that I need to
739
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:59,360
explore for others yeah love it but something that like I feel to be deeply true for me it's like
740
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:05,280
I know that like my soul came here to do certain things in this life that like I chose before
741
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:10,960
I incarnated in this physical body like I deeply believe that and I both deeply believe
742
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:17,120
part of like my Dharma in this lifetime for like collective good but also for like what my soul is
743
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:24,320
meant to evolve into in this life like relationships and romantic relationships are a big part of
744
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:30,880
that journey and that experience for me and so for me it would never gonna be my path to just like
745
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:36,320
marry the high school sweetheart you know what I mean like I think my soul's path has been to like I
746
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:42,880
needed to experience a lot of things to like activate past life with them that I already have and
747
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:48,400
like some of it that was just already innately there and I think my childhood really like activated
748
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:52,240
because that this is something that like I kind of like channeled if you will at one point which is
749
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:56,880
you know because also for side context here like I was raised by psychic medium so I also have that
750
00:48:56,880 --> 00:49:05,280
like element of my existence that's like into it but something that I deeply believe is that
751
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:10,800
like sometimes like we experience things like very early in life that are meant to like turn on certain
752
00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:16,000
things that we've already kind of had in past lives that we've already mastered that are part of like
753
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:20,880
our our soul like just think that we've already mastered an infinite body then they just get turned
754
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:25,360
on really quickly right and we're meant to have those be active and activated or like whatever we're
755
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:29,440
supposed to be doing having this life and like you know something that I've seen for example with
756
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:34,720
that is like clients who I feel like they get initiated in their childhood to be really enmeshed
757
00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:40,000
but I think that like the purpose of that is to activate their intuition to be able to be able to
758
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:43,600
like be sensitive to other people's energy but they're meant to keep that sensitivity without the
759
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:52,080
self abandonment integrate that but something that I have known to be true is that I for me personally
760
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:58,880
in my own journey with relationships is like the thing that I can that I always go back to is like
761
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:04,320
I'm going to like listen to myself and like take care of myself and be true to myself and like
762
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:09,920
myself and love myself respect myself and whoever that like leads me to and leads me away from like I
763
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:15,280
will always fucking trust that and like along the way like I've learned so much like relationship
764
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:20,640
nuance and complexity around that where it's like okay like you know it's not just a black and white
765
00:50:20,640 --> 00:50:26,560
like oh I healed myself and now like I don't attract like boys or like avoidance or like whatever
766
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:33,760
anymore it's like people are a bit more complex than that and like you know I definitely believe
767
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:41,280
sometimes it's like we feel called to like stay open to a connection and like as we like stay true
768
00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:46,320
to ourselves like that connection can elevate with us and like you know and there's so much more
769
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:51,760
like nuance and complexity to relationships like you know maybe you can like recognize the essence
770
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:57,200
of someone who is married but they're not happily married but again that's where we get into some
771
00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:03,360
tricky waters because a lot of the times it's like you know do you actually is that married person like
772
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:10,480
your beloved or is there something in you that is self sabotaged into available connections
773
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:14,080
and like this person you know in the back of your mind you could never have them
774
00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:18,320
and so you feel compelled to just like drop your wall because there's no real risk you know what I mean
775
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:22,960
until it's like you kind of have to be able to really really get to know yourself and really
776
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:30,800
really call yourself the fuck out to be able to navigate like a bit of those complex nuance
777
00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:37,200
waters if you will. Yeah and I love that the path forward for both of those possibilities is actually
778
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:43,200
the same like you don't have to know when you're in that space of like Russian limorance and whatever
779
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:48,560
which like I've been there I was aunt that was you know very much you know in the beginning when I
780
00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:52,800
was getting all these signs of like no this is the thing but you need to work on yourself and you
781
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:56,800
need to do this path and you need to not focus on this person or whatever you actually need to
782
00:51:56,800 --> 00:52:01,920
patch and get yourself into that place and like honestly I did it just because I was curious I was like
783
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:10,560
if this if this actually works that's a game change. Yeah and and so the path for but like either
784
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:14,720
you work on yourself and you're like oh that was just me wanting an unavailable connection or it was
785
00:52:14,720 --> 00:52:21,120
like oh no I did this and actually things shifted and actually like wow I was I was right or whatever
786
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:31,920
do you see? So I want to ask you also a question what's that? A lot of people like don't know how to
787
00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:35,600
like it's like I feel like when people typically talk about those conversations people are either
788
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:42,400
like he's a married girl stop you know or like oh yeah like it's definitely be the twin fame
789
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:50,240
claim to Lulu yes he's the one. Yeah oh my god me too I'm so glad that we're talking about it all
790
00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:55,840
this. I want to ask you a question because I know you and I have like a very friendly complimentary
791
00:52:55,840 --> 00:53:04,640
disagreement and that is on feminine men and maybe like maybe we just have different definitions
792
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:10,240
of what a feminine man is but for example and I know that like you've talked about like your work is
793
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:15,600
for spiritually where feminine women like women who identify as feminine and I have a very strong
794
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:21,200
feminine aspect but I also have a very strong masculine aspect I feel like really pretty balanced
795
00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:27,040
within myself and I'm attracted to men who also have both of those and I'm attracted to women too
796
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:32,720
I'm bisexual, pansexual, whatever I've been attracted to many different types of people but
797
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:42,720
the place where I feel really the strongest attractions are to men who have a really strong feminine
798
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:48,160
and a strong masculine so they compliment me like they they have both of those complimentary things
799
00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:53,680
to compliment me as well and I've seen like sometimes you'll describe like a feminine man is like a man
800
00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:59,600
who isn't capable of taking initiative or like being a leader in the relationship and that's
801
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:04,640
important to me too like I obviously I want someone who is going to have that sort of strong basis but
802
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:08,240
there's also times that like I like to take the leader I like to make plans or I like to do things
803
00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:13,440
like that and so I'm wondering um I guess I guess my question is like a bit of a two-parter like first
804
00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:18,560
of all what is it that you mean when you talk about a feminine man in a way that like you're saying
805
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:24,880
is not ideal in a relationship and then what sort of maybe a but I don't know advice or like
806
00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:31,360
how would your guidance differ for someone like me who has that sort of non-binary nature and is
807
00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:36,560
attracted to people who have both of those sort of masculine and feminine poles? Believe it or not
808
00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:42,080
like you know I know not to like reduce my self-duestrology but um I've got like a lot of
809
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:49,600
Gemini placements also leoplastements but um I'm a very like curious person who can like really see
810
00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:55,760
like the value in so many things and like you know I also have like attraction to women um I like
811
00:54:55,760 --> 00:55:01,440
can it I'm attracted to different aspects of different like qualities and frequencies and men
812
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:07,840
but to me like what it boils down to and like one thing I want to say before I a little caveat here
813
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:13,920
is I I'm a lately will don't believe in telling other people like what is their correct
814
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:19,200
embodiment or in who they are in relationship I think that that is our sovereign
815
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:25,280
right to know and choose for ourselves um because I'm not here to say like oh like the way that you're
816
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:30,240
wired or like the way that you that's all that's wounded that's trauma like sometimes it is you know
817
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:35,280
like I was definitely like in the past when I was younger I was very much just self-abandoning
818
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:39,760
codependent woman that wasn't me that was that was trauma and then there was times where I over
819
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:44,320
compensated into like a hyperindependence and like a more masculine energy if you will where I
820
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,960
always had to be in control and relationships I was making the decision and to appoint that felt
821
00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:53,280
good because I felt my sovereignty and my independence in that that I previously didn't feel inside of
822
00:55:53,280 --> 00:56:02,160
myself but it got to a point where in partnership I felt over like overextended and I was like over
823
00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:06,320
functioning and I think that that's a real issue for a lot of women in like traditional like
824
00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:11,840
heteronormative dynamics where when you think of like the typical relationship dream that a lot
825
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:16,960
of people will have which is like get married have kids like build a home together you know and then
826
00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:23,040
when you start to talk about the labor around a home or like emotional labor in a relationship I
827
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:29,680
think for women who want something like somewhat traditional in that way feminine energy it embodied
828
00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:36,640
in themselves and like a masculine partner is very important because otherwise that's why that's
829
00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:41,920
where that like statistic comes from where it's like women who get married and have children's life
830
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:46,720
expectancy goes goes down and for a man it goes up and like correlation is not causation right like I
831
00:56:46,720 --> 00:56:51,840
think it's the underbelly the underworkings that feed into that outcome and for a lot of the times
832
00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:57,360
it's women being unconsciously so conditioned to just like pick up the slack like emotionally
833
00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:04,080
around the home and so there's just certain things that like I think it's especially like when
834
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:08,240
children are involved like there's just certain things when I witnessed this with my sister
835
00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:12,240
who just had a baby like a few years ago where it's like there's certain things like no matter how
836
00:57:12,240 --> 00:57:16,160
much your partner like wants to help and like wants to have your back and like wants to take
837
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:21,520
something on for you there's just like biological elements where the child like needs the mom to do it
838
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:25,600
right where it's like the breastfeeding right like the baby doesn't take the bottle like you know
839
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:31,600
there's just certain things that like where I think a woman like when she is in that role like wants to be
840
00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:35,360
and I'm not speaking for everyone here obviously but like she wants to be able to be that present
841
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:41,680
like nurturing available nourishing figure but it's like if she's taking on like so much more
842
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:48,000
in a relationship dynamic and in a home like she her life force is just being immensely depleted
843
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:54,400
and so I think that it's like it's really up to you like as an individual to decide you know you
844
00:57:54,400 --> 00:57:59,120
can you can appreciate and like feel attraction for like multiple different types of things but it's
845
00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:03,840
like at the end of the day like who do you want to be and like what is the life that you want to live
846
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:08,960
and like what partner is really complementary to that and for a lot of women that I've worked with
847
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:15,200
like around feminine energy it's like they typically have been a woman where they're over functioning a lot
848
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:20,240
and it's like they they have a hard they have a hard time giving up control and they often are
849
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:26,000
lacking trust and respect towards like they're you know towards like the masculine and the relationship
850
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:32,000
and that has to be cultivated and it's often a past projection of old wounds but I think for men
851
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:37,280
it's like you know and again like I think I there's people who are just wired a bit differently and
852
00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:41,520
feel called to like live life a certain way and that's fucking great and I think that's divine I think
853
00:58:41,520 --> 00:58:47,040
that's perfect I think that's what you're supposed to do and be in half but it's like sometimes I think
854
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:52,480
that there are just like women can have wounding the causes them to over function I feel like men can
855
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:57,680
have and and these are just generalized statements obviously I think men sometimes in my experience
856
00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:04,160
and I've had male clients too and I've also seen how my clients in partnership like their masculine
857
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:11,120
started to shift as they shifted these energy but it's like I do believe sometimes you know
858
00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:14,800
and there's different factors that go into it it can be like health hormones it can be
859
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:23,200
trauma but it's like where men like a natally would feel some some men would a natally feel better
860
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:28,480
like feeling more in this like masculine role if you will being able to make decisions be decisive
861
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:35,280
take charge and like and handle certain things but they don't because maybe they they don't feel
862
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:39,760
confident they feel like a bit amatulated and maybe that started young like in their childhood with
863
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:43,280
their relationship with their mother where their mom was always like jumping down their throat and
864
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:47,440
they go into their wounded little like inner little boy that's like I'm just shutting down I'm going
865
00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:51,920
to go play video games and go to my room you know like that kind of energy and like like the passive
866
00:59:51,920 --> 00:59:57,680
like people pleasing man who's like whatever you say honey whatever you say honey and it's like
867
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:03,680
that might avoid conflict but it's not like healthy relationship structure for that kind of dynamic
868
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:08,240
so I think of a day like to be honest I know I know you said like a plate like a playful respectful
869
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:13,360
like disagreement like I think we are actually like more in alignment than maybe we thought we were
870
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:19,120
I think that it's just yeah like a bit more nuance and I just think it boils down to like
871
01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:25,040
personal preference because again like I don't believe because that's like Republican shit to be like
872
01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:29,760
this is how like this is your role as a man that's your role as a woman and if you're not that role
873
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:32,480
there's something wrong with you and you need to heal like I don't believe in that like I think that
874
01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:37,920
that's that's our own that's our own like whatever like I don't know you're so calling better than
875
01:00:37,920 --> 01:00:42,160
you do but like if something that I say like Revan needs to see you hell yeah you know I got your back
876
01:00:42,160 --> 01:00:48,800
I can we can we can work on it it sounds like your definition of feminine in this context is like a
877
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:54,480
feminine man that is in a not so great way is someone who is maybe kind of avoid it's almost like
878
01:00:54,480 --> 01:01:00,480
an anxious avoidant polarity but instead of it being the push pull between like attention and attachment
879
01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:06,160
it's it's the push pull between making effort in the relationship that the woman in some dynamics
880
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:12,720
like this has to overcompensate for a lot of leadership because the man feels afraid to step up
881
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:18,160
and it's so funny because when I think of feminine men I think of artists and creatives I think of
882
01:01:18,160 --> 01:01:25,360
like Prince I think of David Bowie I think of men who actually have accomplished incredible things
883
01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:31,360
and like in David Bowie's case was completely devoted to his partner right I think also of like
884
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:37,840
in more contemporary standards I think of like right now like K-pop is having such a surge you know
885
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:42,720
in the US like probably thanks to K-pop demon hunters which is such a great movie and I look at
886
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:47,680
the culture that I like I got so interested in being like oh like this is really neat what's this and
887
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:55,360
the the K-pop idols like the men who are K-pop idols like they work so hard like the amount of
888
01:01:55,360 --> 01:02:01,760
creativity that they have to put out on such like crazy schedule and everything like that it's just
889
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:06,880
it's like the last thing that they are is passive right but they have to be sort of like everything
890
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:10,480
they have to be they have to be hard but they have to be soft and they have to be cute but they have
891
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:15,280
to be sexy and they have to be all these I'm like and I look at that I respect that so much because of
892
01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:20,720
my former work as like a dating coach I remember like holding myself to being able to be all of
893
01:02:20,720 --> 01:02:26,000
these different archetypes in order to you know to to be attractive and to channel that into a creative
894
01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:32,560
career is just like it's just such an an amazing feat so I don't think of them in Indian men as
895
01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:38,640
anything about slacking off I feel like it's a cultivation of intuition and a cultivation of
896
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:43,520
attractiveness in a way that a lot of overly masculine men often don't think about like they might
897
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:47,520
dress up in a suit they might look good right they might be like yeah football player on the field
898
01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:52,640
people might be into that but feminine men with a strong feminine aspect like they think about style
899
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:56,880
and aesthetic and like a completely different way and and as a woman I'm like I feel seen by that
900
01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:01,200
like you actually know how much effort I put into myself I'm not just like doing this for someone
901
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:07,520
who doesn't get it you know so yeah so maybe that's where we ultimately agree we just have different
902
01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:13,440
semantic definitions of what feminine means I think that it is a bit like semantic is a good word for
903
01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:18,000
it because it's like is that feminine energy or is it wound up masculine because like whenever I
904
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:22,480
talk of clients about like masculine and feminine energy I always go back to the example where it's
905
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:27,280
like we need both right and I think we should all have both inside of us right where it's like the
906
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:33,040
the feminine is like the intuition she's the flow she's the and I think we should all have like
907
01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:38,160
both right but it's like overall like in the relationship container like the feminine woman takes
908
01:03:38,160 --> 01:03:42,800
on more of these traits and it erbodies more of them in the relationship dynamic but you know
909
01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:48,000
she's the intuition she's the flow she's like the intuitive oracle she's the sealer she's the
910
01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:53,440
presence she's the sensuality she's like in the present moment and then you know and she's like
911
01:03:53,440 --> 01:03:58,160
the river flowing through the river river bank whereas like the masculine is the structure he's the
912
01:03:58,160 --> 01:04:03,680
container he's the river bank that holds the water right and so it's like he might be more of like
913
01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:09,440
the problem solver linear thinker like the the action taker the leader whatever but it doesn't mean
914
01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:13,280
that like she doesn't have those traits and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have those traits but it's
915
01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:17,440
like that's where they kind of complement and support each other really well and then it's like you
916
01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:22,080
know the feminine without the river bank right the water she just turns into a puddle and evaporates
917
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:27,040
whereas like the masculine without the river like he's just like an ugly dirty ditch right
918
01:04:27,040 --> 01:04:31,680
you know what I mean like so it's like we need both is that right and it's like we all have and I
919
01:04:31,680 --> 01:04:38,240
think we all have like both but it's like I know for me specifically I had a relationship like this
920
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:45,680
where I really got like I really loved like the emotional element to a man like at the time because
921
01:04:45,680 --> 01:04:50,480
I previously only dated like a voida yeah I kind of like went from one extreme to the other in a way
922
01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:55,360
where it's like I felt like I was just being this big like emotional spaceholder and so it's like
923
01:04:55,360 --> 01:05:02,240
to me it was like a fine line between in my own relationship experience of like okay like I love a man
924
01:05:02,240 --> 01:05:08,480
who's aware and in touch with his emotion and and is creative but ultimately his emotion like don't
925
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:14,080
hijack his ability to like you know keep his eye on the prize to be able to like be focused to like
926
01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:20,480
lead himself in his life to have like ambition to have focused and drive and will and like
927
01:05:21,200 --> 01:05:26,560
goals and you know what I mean and so I think it ultimately does well down to a bit of snitch for sure
928
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:32,480
but I like I love I love that we're like flushing salad me too oh my god I wanted to like have this
929
01:05:32,480 --> 01:05:36,800
this conversation with you for a while because I know just to my listeners out there like Gianna and I
930
01:05:36,800 --> 01:05:41,120
also like we always joke that like if we ever go out together like we will never compete for
931
01:05:41,120 --> 01:05:46,640
the same man like we're we will be the best wing woman because we have completely very very
932
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:51,280
different types so we're we're gonna be we're gonna when she moves to LA I'm keeping my fingers
933
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:56,000
crossed when that day happens we're gonna like we're gonna be the best wing woman ever well I want to
934
01:05:56,000 --> 01:06:01,280
bring on our producer Tomi to ask her question at the end of the episode and we've gone like all over
935
01:06:01,280 --> 01:06:05,520
but I love the fact like I didn't want to stop this conversation even though I try to keep the episodes
936
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:10,000
around an hour but like we were in flow and it was so great so but now I'll go ahead and hand it
937
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:15,600
over to Tomi to ask her question yeah I would like to circle back to the like feminine man
938
01:06:15,600 --> 01:06:22,720
masculine woman dynamic and I'd be curious your thoughts on how you think that applies to trans people
939
01:06:22,720 --> 01:06:29,120
like personally I'm someone who I was only able to start accomplishing things in life or like
940
01:06:29,120 --> 01:06:35,440
really put myself in that position of power as I embraced the feminine side that I was often
941
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:42,240
made to feel ashamed of or I had to suppress so I don't know how much you work with trans clients
942
01:06:42,240 --> 01:06:48,320
but I'd love to know how you think that plays into that dynamic yeah no I love this question
943
01:06:48,320 --> 01:06:53,680
yeah I mean I've had all different kinds of clients over the years you know LGBTQ plus like
944
01:06:53,680 --> 01:07:00,960
all like all the things and what I really come back to is like again like I really really just think
945
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:07,680
that it's it's up to us to be like our authentic expression of who we are in life and in relationships
946
01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:12,800
and so I don't believe in telling people like you need to be more masculine in this way you need to be
947
01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:19,200
more feminine in that way but it's like I think sometimes if we have like an attraction towards like
948
01:07:19,200 --> 01:07:25,200
I'll use myself as an example like I have always been attracted to masculine men but it's like when
949
01:07:25,200 --> 01:07:30,080
I was younger I had a lot of like abuse through like a masculine father figure growing up
950
01:07:30,080 --> 01:07:37,280
and as a result like I kind of would be like have this push pull with masculine men and so I would
951
01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:43,120
be like I'm just gonna date people who aren't really like giraffed and don't like have this like
952
01:07:43,120 --> 01:07:48,560
authoritative presence because I associated that like authoritative presence with abuse right and
953
01:07:48,560 --> 01:07:54,320
like not feeling safe and so I kind of like went to the optic stream and with like date men that were
954
01:07:54,320 --> 01:07:59,200
very passive and then I would find like oh I'm so like depleted in this dynamic because it's not
955
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:06,080
it doesn't feel compatible with my like authentic wiring right and so for me like my journey
956
01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:13,040
personally was doing that work too be like what do I really want? Who am I really? And like who's
957
01:08:13,040 --> 01:08:18,240
going to fit me the best ultimately in a in a relationship dynamic you know does that make sense?
958
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:23,920
Yeah I think so. Okay well if there's anything you want me to clarify just let me know.
959
01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:28,640
And maybe maybe ultimately I think that's like the common theme of what this discussion kind of
960
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:33,360
wraps up to like especially as we're wrapping up is Tomi that for you like femininity is your
961
01:08:33,360 --> 01:08:39,520
that authentic soul resonance is expression for you so for you like being in your femininity and you
962
01:08:39,520 --> 01:08:45,680
know attracting a partner that maybe mirrors you in a way that is appropriate like for your own soul
963
01:08:45,680 --> 01:08:50,320
like that is a resonant with your own soul and like for me being non-binary the fact that I'm
964
01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:56,880
attracted to people who are you know also like rather androgynous like I am and for Gianna being
965
01:08:56,880 --> 01:09:01,360
someone who is hyper feminine you know again like I was like oh I'm shocked she's not wearing pink
966
01:09:01,360 --> 01:09:05,920
today it's the only time I've maybe seen you like not wearing pink you know to be able to attract
967
01:09:05,920 --> 01:09:11,120
what you want and that at the end of the day it really is about removing the programming and conditioning
968
01:09:11,120 --> 01:09:15,280
that tells you that you need to be anything that you aren't and that when you are in that soul
969
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:22,000
frequency that's when you do attract the things that are most resonant and bring you the most joy.
970
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:26,480
Gianna I want to thank you so much for being on this conversation today so anything I didn't
971
01:09:26,480 --> 01:09:30,320
mention before about like where people can find you or what else they should check out of yours?
972
01:09:30,320 --> 01:09:37,360
First of all thank you so much for having me um both of you. Yeah and yeah no I mean the website the
973
01:09:37,360 --> 01:09:43,120
gram um I'm on Facebook as well but yeah I mean if there's anything like in the conversation that
974
01:09:43,120 --> 01:09:47,200
really resonates with you and you want to connect like you are more than welcome to reach out to
975
01:09:47,200 --> 01:09:52,320
me in the DM on any platform that you find me on so feel free to do that. Yeah well thank you once
976
01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:58,800
again for being here and again I am counting down the days till you're in Los Angeles whether you know
977
01:09:58,800 --> 01:10:06,080
temporarily or maybe perhaps permanently for a little while and uh yes exactly thank you so much
978
01:10:06,080 --> 01:10:10,960
for being here today and thank you to all of our listeners thank you for tuning in hope you enjoyed
979
01:10:10,960 --> 01:10:17,760
the conversation and we will see you next time on the Re-Patterning Podcast. Thank you for listening
980
01:10:17,760 --> 01:10:22,720
to the Re-Patterning Podcast. If you're curious about the Re-PatterningProject the eight week course in
981
01:10:22,720 --> 01:10:27,760
mental mastery and creative freedom that inspires these conversations you can check out more details
982
01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:33,440
at theRepatterningProject.com we run a cohort twice a year or you can download the self-study version
983
01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:38,880
of the course and get started today. We also offer a four week course on narrative magic and archetype
984
01:10:38,880 --> 01:10:44,000
titled "Mits and Magic Changing Your Life Through Story" also twice a year. If you'd like to
985
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:52,400
join our community the Re-Patterning Parlor on Discord you can sign up for five dollars a month at patreon.com/theRepatterningPodcast
986
01:10:52,400 --> 01:10:57,600
thanks to everyone who makes the Re-Patterning Podcast possible. Firstly our award winning
987
01:10:57,600 --> 01:11:03,120
producer Tomi Trembath of the key master collective network of podcasts she also produces trans
988
01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:09,360
sending comics vision in the void and giant sized violence thanks also to animation studio mortis
989
01:11:09,360 --> 01:11:14,640
and madriacs who created the video for our introduction as well as to Andrew Means who composed and
990
01:11:14,640 --> 01:11:19,840
produced our theme music and also thanks to Al Alvarez who took the photos of yours truly that
991
01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:25,120
you see on the cover of each episode if you're watching the video version and finally thanks to you
992
01:11:25,120 --> 01:11:29,920
our listeners who give meaning to this work our greatest wishes that whatever you've heard today
993
01:11:29,920 --> 01:11:35,840
inspires you to live freely and begin creating your reality from the inside out thanks for tuning in
994
01:11:35,840 --> 01:11:37,520
and we'll see you again soon.
995
01:11:37,520 --> 01:11:58,880
[inaudible]
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,280
in order to have deeply meaningful, healthy, sustainable,
2
00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:06,560
and rich in connection, which I think is the point
3
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:07,400
of relationship.
4
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,440
It's like something I say to clients all the time
5
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,160
that's like further together faster.
6
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,160
Like in our relationship, it should be adding.
7
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,680
Like you guys should be better together
8
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:15,880
than you are on your own.
9
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,240
I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there
10
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:23,440
like are not in the highest experience of relationship
11
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,760
that they could have.
12
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,120
And it's because of things like that.
13
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,600
Like self love and again, going back to my podcast name,
14
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:29,600
I really love myself.
15
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,720
Like self love is maybe an expression of the divine
16
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,920
where it's like when you value yourself,
17
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,800
when you value other people, you are meant to like
18
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:39,560
really take your energy very seriously
19
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:40,960
and protect that energy.
20
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:41,800
You just are better.
21
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,320
Like everybody is better and when we're all people of that, you know?
22
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,320
Welcome to the Re-Patterning Podcast
23
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,400
where we believe your mind body system is your domain
24
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,880
and that choosing the beliefs, habits, and patterns
25
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,360
that best support you is your birthright.
26
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:56,880
I'm your host, Artin Lee,
27
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,640
creator of the Re-Patterning Project, an eight week course
28
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,200
in learning to free yourself from the patterns of your past
29
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:05,120
and program your mind for your dreams of the future.
30
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,240
Join me for these extraordinary conversations
31
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,320
as we unpack the keys to creating our reality.
32
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:19,000
Welcome back to the Re-Patterning Podcast.
33
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,200
I'm your host, Artin Lee,
34
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,080
and I'm so excited to introduce today's guest.
35
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,160
Her name is Gianna Rackham
36
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,280
and she is a love and relationship
37
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,400
and leadership coach for spiritually aware women.
38
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,080
If you like what you hear in our conversation today,
39
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,200
you can check out her website at
40
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,240
giannalightworker.com.
41
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,840
You can also check out her Instagram,
42
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her handle is Gianna Love and Light.
43
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,160
And she also has a new program coming out called
44
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,560
"Iconically Single"
45
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,640
and it's for women who have either recently been
46
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,560
through a breakup or maybe they've been single
47
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:53,840
for a little while
48
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,240
and it's about finding that self-worth and confidence
49
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,200
and your joy and your deep love of life
50
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,600
so that when you do get into a partnership,
51
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,520
you're not gonna settle for anything less
52
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,360
than what really sets your heart on fire.
53
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,840
So definitely check that out if you like her work
54
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,480
and you like our conversation.
55
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,440
And she and I have been friends online for a little while.
56
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,280
I was very honored to be featured on her own podcast
57
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:18,960
called "I Really Love Myself"
58
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,280
so definitely check out her podcast as well
59
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,200
if you like our conversation.
60
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,640
And of course last but not least,
61
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she is the aided to my Wednesday.
62
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,040
(laughs)
63
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,640
And I'm so excited to chat here
64
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,720
'cause I'm also just like looking forward to us catching up too.
65
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,360
It's been a while since we've had to have
66
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,600
like gotten to have a full conversation.
67
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,480
So welcome, welcome to the Reparoting Podcast.
68
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,520
Tell folks a little bit about what your work is
69
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,360
and what you do.
70
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,280
- Thank you so much, first of all,
71
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:52,280
and like I just to speak about art in in front of art in.
72
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,840
I just have so much respect and admiration for art in in her work.
73
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,680
And you know, we connected online like years ago
74
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,000
and she has truly become a friend
75
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,640
and she is just such a great person.
76
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,400
So I'm just so honored to have had you on my podcast
77
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,080
and to be on yours.
78
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,800
And yeah, we definitely have like the Wednesday evening.
79
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:11,640
(laughs)
80
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:12,480
(laughs)
81
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:13,480
- Oh, I like the word, "when we're together."
82
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,640
So, so fun.
83
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,360
- This might be the only time I've seen you
84
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,200
not wearing pink actually.
85
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,360
- I know and you know why?
86
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,480
It's because I have specifically black and white earrings on.
87
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:24,560
(laughs)
88
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:25,680
- I have so much time together.
89
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,520
(laughs)
90
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,040
- But yeah, definitely a lot of pink in the wardrobe for sure.
91
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,920
But yeah, so as far as my work goes, you know,
92
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,640
I originally started doing relationship coaching
93
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,520
like a bit over 10 years ago.
94
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,800
And I got into it pre-orally and pretty young
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because I really do consider my childhood
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just like a crash course and like understanding
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like the fundamental basic of how to have like a healthy
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relationship experience in your life
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because I was just so like entrenched in the opposite.
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And I just really, really had to figure that stuff out
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and heal it at a very young age.
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And over the years like my work has grown or evolved
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as I have and a lot of the work that I tend to do
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with women is largely around relationship work
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where we confront patterns around like self-worth
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and codependency.
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And a lot of the women that I work with
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like Lena Bittmore and Ashton and Energetic
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and so I help them kind of like be construct
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where they might not be in their most authentic expression
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of that energy so they can really be in alignment
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with attracting the kind of partnerships that they want.
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But over the years like that work has also evolved into
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an element of leadership coaching
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because a lot of the women that I work with
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tend to be like high achievers,
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a lot of them are business owners
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and a lot of those relationship patterns
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of I'm sure Arden can speak too so well.
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Don't just translate into romantic relationships
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it's also like relationships as a whole, right?
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And so when we have these patterns of like people breathing
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like self abandonment, overgiving, like validation seeking
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and that like manifest into our career relationships
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we those relationships can get dysfunctional
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and really be a drain on our energy.
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And also can impact like our authentic expression
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of our purpose and even impact and like our income as well
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and like hold it back.
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And so I found my work evolving into that like area
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as well over the years but yeah, I mean,
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I find like our relationships impact so much
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and the way that we are in relationship
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impact so much of our quality of life
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and not just our quality of life
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especially it impacts future generations
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especially if you go on to have children
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and that's something that in particular
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I feel really passionate about because you know,
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as a child I grew up in like domestic violence
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and just like witnessing addiction
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and you know, narcissistic abuse and financial abuse
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and so it's become something helping women have like
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healthy sovereignty but also connection and interdependence
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has been something that is just invaluable to me.
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So I just love this work so much. (laughs)
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- Yeah, something that I've always admired about your work
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and I'll just say this like for our listeners.
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Some of my listeners perhaps who have like
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been with me for a while or just who know of my history
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know that I used to be a dating coach back in the day
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and I left that field because what was funny about it
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was like when I wrote my book back in the day
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a book called The New Rules of Attraction
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as soon as it came out I felt like I had painted myself
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into a corner because all of a sudden
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there were like all of these sort of articles
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or book reviews about me and I was like,
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yay like publicity this is great for my book
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but all of them were like the woman who can get any man
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she wants. (laughs)
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- So I was like, oh my god, what do I do now if I fail
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and so I actually had like a lot of my,
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I mean I was young and whatever
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but like I had a lot of my sort of like
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am I good at this like tied up in whether I was winning
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the approval of the person that I desired
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and that obviously like that led to some over learning
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of those patterns that was ultimately not healthy, right?
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Like it's great to have like a structure
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like know how to create a conversation
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like there were valuable things about my work
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you put like approach it with a playful spirit
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and like this is fun let me like expand my skills
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that let me like try and connect with people or whatever
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but the minute you put that value on
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whether I can get the person I want is like whether
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whether or not I'm a fraud I was like oh my god.
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And when I came across your work Gianna
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like what I love about it so much is that
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I've seen you at this point in like two different relationships
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and also single and you have never ever linked
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the value of either yourself or your work
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to whether you're with a partner
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and you're so clear on the fact that it really is
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about how much you love your own life
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and how much you love yourself
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and how much you're in alignment.
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And when you're in alignment you will naturally attract
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things that joy and that passion for life
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like draw in, right?
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You will call in the right kind of partner
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you will call in the right thing
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and even if you're not with a partner right now
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like then that's fine.
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Like there's nothing about that defines you
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and that fact that it is that inner alignment
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that is going to lead to those soul mate connections
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right or to those just really super aligned connections
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with another person.
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And so I've seen you do this work
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and you were actually like at the time
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'cause as you said like we've known each other
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online for a little while now.
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At that time I remember being like this is maybe one
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of the only love and relationship coaches I've ever seen
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that doesn't put that emphasis on you need to get the guy.
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Like every all the books out there
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like the books from the 90s
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the books from the 2000s like even you know
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like Matthew Hussie and people like that.
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And like I know the person who taught Matthew Hussie
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is a friend of my name Adam Lyons
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at least one of the people who taught Matthew Hussie
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and I've back in the day like I read some his content
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out of curiosity and it's actually like not half bad
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but it doesn't all of it is still like
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I'm going to get you this result.
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You are going to get the man right?
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Get the like the rules right?
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Get the ring on the finger like
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it's just and it's so that attachment to outcome
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is like the opposite of what actually is healthy.
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So I'd love for you to share like more about that principle
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that you stand by because I think it is what
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I think it is the key defining factor actually
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that puts your work into such a place of integrity.
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- Thank you so much for saying that.
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And like I love that we're able to have like this conversation
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with a lot of like background context
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because we've known each other for so long.
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Like when we were when we first met
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like I was in a relationship with someone
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who I got engaged to that I was with for a while
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and it was a very about eight years
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and it was a very like beautiful like healthy relationship
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but ultimately like I out and grew it
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as I was kind of like refining like what I really wanted
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it needed in terms of like specific partner qualities
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versus like the fundamental foundation.
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Like like that was stuff I deeply understood
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very early on again just sort of like childhood stuff
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where it's like the fundamental like healthy foundation.
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I just have like the deep belief in the deep knowing
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that like you know I've always used the word like soulmate partners
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and like you know sometimes it's like we need relationships
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to come into our lives kind of show us
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and like help us refine our sense of style
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and sometimes that's like highlighting wounds
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or traumas or insecurities that we need to address
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and sometimes it's helping us refine
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like our specific preferences in terms of like lifestyle
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and like partnership qualities
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and I really am like anti the narrative
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that it's like relationship endings are a failure
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or like being single is like a dirty word
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or embarrassing or shameful because I think that when we
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first of all it's just bullshit and it's not true
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for one but second of all I think that when we take that on
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we start to seek connection from a really disempowered place
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that's also inauthentic it's not from this place of like choosing someone
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who truly is like a really good fit for you in your life
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and vice versa it's I can't be alone or like I don't want to be alone
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or like I need a relationship or to be married in order to feel like
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I matter or like I'm not failing or that there's not something wrong with me
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and like I think when we go into
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because I'm of the deep belief personally
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and don't get me wrong I've worked with so many women over the years
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that have like actively been trying to get into relationships
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for like 10 to 20 years and it's been hard
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and that's like a different story
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but I think in general most people can get into a relationship
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but it's not necessarily like a high quality, healthy,
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deeply fulfilling like match of a relationship
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and so I think that when we are kind of like desperate
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to be in a relationship we tend to kind of like lower our standards
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and we start to kind of like lie to ourselves and self abandon
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and to in order to have that and it may be like
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soothes those insecurities and wounds
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but in like in the long term bigger picture of life
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it really you know like you were saying before we got on the podcast
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like the longer you get on a train going in the wrong direction
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like you're gonna have to come that like that far back you know
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to get back on track so to speak
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and I just really think it's not worth it
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you know it's not worth it to like build a life with someone
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that really doesn't match you and it requires like health abandonment
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and I'm not talking about like healthy compromise
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but I'm talking like you have to abandon like authentic things
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that you need and want that you could have with the with the right person
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and also too it's like you model that for your children
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and your future children if you have kids right
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and like you also just like radiate that vibration
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into the collective consciousness and like
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like that
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no like it's just it's just not required
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and so I think it's really important to be able to have
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in order to have like deeply meaningful healthy
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sustainable enriching connection
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which I think is the point of relationship
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it's like something I say to clients all the time
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it's like further together faster
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like in a relationship it should be adding
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like you guys should be better together than you are on your own
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but it doesn't mean that you're missing anything
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it doesn't mean that like on your own you suck
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or that your life isn't amazing
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or that like you're incomplete right
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but it's like a lot of the times
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I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there
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like are not in the highest experience of relationship
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that they could have
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and it's because of things like that you know
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and so I don't know like self love
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and again going back to my podcast name
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I really love myself like self love
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is to me is an expression of the divine
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where it's like when you value yourself
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when you value other people
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you are meant to like really take your energy very seriously
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and protect about energy and like you know
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when and especially if you're like a spiritually aware person
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who has like a purpose in this lifetime
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like you need that you need that clear head
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you need that creative energy
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you need that space to be able to like birth
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whatever it is that you're here to do in this life
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and if your relationships are like tugging on your energy too much
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or like even holding you back and draining you
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like that does impact like what I believe
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like what your soul came here to do in this lifetime
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and like you know better like everybody is better
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and we're all capable of that you know
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yeah I agree with you 100% on that
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and I've definitely been that person
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who stayed in a relationship that was not right for me
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out of scarcity I was very late bloomer in life
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so I had those feelings of like well
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it takes me a long time to get into a relationship
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I'm very picky about who I'm attracted to
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so it's hard for you know I can go
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and I figure out later in life I'm like
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oh I also have ADHD which means in some ways
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I was self-medicating with crushes
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like crushes would stimulate dopamine
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and they would give me like a sense of like
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purpose and a sense of like a reason to be alive
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and without that I would feel like
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I just I can't get anything done like there's no like what's
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what's the point you know
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and so I not knowing that it was like quite literally a neurochemical thing
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that was going on for me
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I would be like I have to at least have a
354
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like even if I'm not in a relationship that's fine
355
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,080
but I have to have like a crush like something I'm working toward
356
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,520
you know someone that I like
357
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,120
so I can be this best version of myself
358
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,120
that I get to be when I feel motivated
359
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,800
and it wasn't a gosh it wasn't until honestly like
360
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,240
I think 2021 that I made the connection
361
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,920
between the dopamine deficiency and my anxious attachment
362
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,880
like no wonder I would get anxious like
363
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about the idea of not having anyone there
364
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,040
because all of a sudden it's like feeling like
365
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,160
I'm locked in a room with the air being sucked out
366
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,520
you know like yeah like Jesus
367
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,320
and then I figured out I was like oh well if it's dopamine thing
368
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,160
can I just find other sources of dopamine
369
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:56,040
and yeah practicing magic making music all of those kind of things
370
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,240
but I'm like I'm so 100% there with you on like
371
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,640
if you're in a relationship that is
372
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,800
you're you're turning a blind eye to the things that are not working
373
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,080
and not just like problems to figure out or whatever
374
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,720
but like long term lack of compatibility
375
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,960
or like you had this a spark of attraction in the beginning
376
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,560
and now you can't like like go of it
377
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,760
you want it to be something more
378
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,600
but it's actually not lasting you pass the honeymoon phase
379
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,880
because there's nothing that was there beyond that surface traction
380
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,520
and like so hard so I'm right there with you
381
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,840
I'm so glad that you've made that a part of your work.
382
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,440
Yeah thank you for saying that
383
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,000
and I love what you brought up with like
384
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,040
neurodivergency because it's like
385
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,760
something that I really believe is that you know
386
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,560
we should be whoever like we feel called to be in this life
387
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:46,240
but I think that we are also like uniquely our own expression of self
388
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,000
and like and it's perfect and there's nothing wrong with that
389
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:53,960
and like but it's it's really about having like the conscious agency and choice
390
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,600
to like around your relationship decisions
391
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,120
and like I think what you're describing with like the dopamine
392
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,760
I think a lot of people can relate to that
393
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,440
like whether they identify as like neurodiverture or not
394
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,680
because it's like I find with my clients who are like
395
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:13,000
codependent or have codependent tendency if there's just such a unconscious habit
396
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,600
of like seeking that like dopamine that joy and like also that self worth
397
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:21,760
and that significance and also that like regulation and security
398
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,840
like through other people and it's such a powerful thing to be able to learn
399
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,720
and this is like a big part of the work that I do with people fundamentally
400
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:33,120
around relationships is to be able to what I what I like to call is like self
401
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,000
source right like self source like consciously
402
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:41,120
those things that we have felt like a band like dependent upon relationships
403
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:46,720
for like from a place of that causes us to kind of like abandon like what we really need
404
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:51,280
for that season of life or like abandoned certain standards in order to try to get that
405
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,680
like dopamine or validation or like whatever it is that's super important
406
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,720
and I love that you were able to make that connection and be like okay
407
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:03,040
like my dopamine gets to like come from like magic and like music and like these
408
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,640
other things that you know feel nourishing and give back and it's like this
409
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,440
reciprocal healthy relationship that doesn't require you to have to like be
410
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:16,560
funneling energy into a connection that may not be like bare fruit or have a
411
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:20,720
return that feels valuable to your life so I think that that's
412
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:26,640
freaking awesome and I love what you put it I'm just curious what
413
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,360
when you work with women who are stuck in that pattern where they're getting that
414
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,200
joy or that dopamine from the crush from the relationship or whatever that is
415
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:41,440
I'm curious what sort of things you advise them to get that joy from
416
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:45,440
that are not dependent on partnership like if someone was in that pattern
417
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,880
what kind of things would you encourage them to explore everybody's a little
418
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:53,360
bit different but like what I like to do is help them pinpoint like the emotional
419
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,200
needs that they're getting from that person right and so sometimes it usually
420
00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,880
boils down to like a handful of things it's usually like security
421
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,200
it's like dopamine joy like happiness, fulfillment, etc. or like a sense of
422
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:10,720
significance or like you know like value and you know self-worth and then it's like
423
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,400
kind of do a little bit of an audit in your day-to-day life and like thought
424
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:19,120
process and also lifestyle that where this is like actively where you're
425
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,400
actively feeling the opposite or where you're craving to feel more of
426
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,560
the feeling in general and so that can like lead to a whole like rabbit
427
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:30,560
whole of like these deeper things that may be people have been using unconsciously
428
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:35,600
anyways using like a romantic partnership to like distract themselves from like
429
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:39,200
for example how do we two examples I think both are gonna be important
430
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:44,640
so when I was younger I had an eating disorder right so I I had just
431
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:49,600
under-eating like that over exercising like those kinds of things and it was like
432
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,120
my you know if anybody that knows anything about eating disorders knows a lot of
433
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,960
the times those things manifest as a way to try to have control you know which
434
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,320
was made perfect sense for me and my childhood like I didn't have a sense of
435
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,640
the control and so that's what something I could control with myself and I had
436
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,920
these like chronic when I was younger these chronic like body image and
437
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:12,480
securities and this would like pop up in my dating life where it's like I would
438
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:17,040
unconsciously like default expects like men to not be attracted to me
439
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:23,520
which is like crazy and and so like I would just be like
440
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:28,480
waiting for a response from them and I would just be like on this anxious edge
441
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,240
that would be like really distracting and and I would just be like seeking that and
442
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:36,400
like putting my energy there and what I really needed to do which I did eventually is
443
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:42,000
like bring the focus back to myself to like address the fact that like my day-to-day life like
444
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,840
it in my head like I would look in the mirror every day and be like oh like I would be
445
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:50,800
criticizing myself like I would be having all this anxiety around like the way
446
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,240
that I ate that day or like whether or not I worked out hard enough and like I should
447
00:20:54,240 --> 00:21:00,240
just go work out more like and it was just this thing that's like self abuse right and like
448
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:05,440
that I really found empowered me a lot in my romantic life was to to address that and like really
449
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:10,560
move through those patterns once and for all and like another example that I want to share is like
450
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:15,360
because I see this a lot with client a lot of the times it's like women who don't love their life
451
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:19,680
right like maybe they took a career path that takes up so much of their time and energy they
452
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:24,080
have a lot of burnout they have like you know maybe they work in the medical field or
453
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:28,560
in law or like in you know the way that they run their business that they're a business owner or
454
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,160
like they work in the corporate world and there's like this abusive work culture or like you know
455
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,080
they tend to like self-abandoned and just exhaust themselves like day-to-day out of like people
456
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:43,840
pleading and so it's like their life in general is just unfilling and so you know it's like they are
457
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:49,760
seeking they hyperfixate on like the romantic partner or like the situation chef or whatever it is
458
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,840
as a way to like kind of compensate for that and so they kind of feel powerless in the connection
459
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,640
to be able to like hold those standards where they're respecting themselves because it's like they
460
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,960
kind of feel like they need that to feel okay because they don't feel okay in their life they don't
461
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:07,120
like their life and so it's like you know something that I've done through relationship work is
462
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:12,320
like helped clients start business it like help them like you know regulate themselves like in like
463
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,160
when they're working on Wall Street and they like the toxic work culture like being able to
464
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,160
like set boundaries and like not take certain things personally and like regulate themselves through
465
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:25,040
those things to manifest like different career opportunities and experiences and just different
466
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:29,280
emotional experiences and the environment so that way it's like they can approach their dating
467
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:36,320
life with more like personal power that I sense I love that yeah absolutely yeah I was thinking also
468
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,720
because I know that you've also started working with women around business and like like you were
469
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:46,000
saying before our patterns you know if they show up in our love lives like I have the saying I love
470
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,000
to talk about in the repatiting projects the way we do one thing is the way we do everything
471
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,240
and I know it feels like a real blanket statement but it's one of those phrases where
472
00:22:54,240 --> 00:23:00,720
even when I think it's not true like I always like keep finding more and more evidence of it being
473
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:06,720
true and I know for me starting the repatiting project like you know I had worked as a dating coach
474
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:11,760
before but I'd never really fully committed to like building a business it was more of a personal
475
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,080
brand and you can work with me as a coach like if you happen to find me through my blog or whatever
476
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:23,520
and when I started the repatiting project the funny thing was I had so many of my own trauma patterns
477
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:28,880
around like having clients come up that I had to deal with kind of like a baptism through fire
478
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:33,200
and thank goodness like the repatiting project was important enough to me that I was like oh no this
479
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,720
is like I have to get this information out there so whatever I need to learn like I need to learn
480
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:43,520
it on the fly but it was amazing how like yeah you don't think that it's the same thing but
481
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:50,160
it really really is I had to like and I had to learn to trust myself and be like wait do I know how
482
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:55,840
to set boundaries do I know how to have a healthy transaction that is mutually beneficial to both me
483
00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:01,600
and the client yeah of course I do okay well then let's just do that I had to like think myself through it
484
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:07,280
you know so so I love that you work with women around those topics too yeah because I have something
485
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:12,240
like the way that I see business and obviously like we're both like business owners but I believe
486
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:18,000
that it's like we create businesses that are you know they have a will of their own there's like a
487
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:23,200
consciousness that's like wanting to manifest and be collective for like collective good right and
488
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:29,200
so it's like I love that so thank you and so we feel called to like burst these programs these products
489
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,520
these services and it can be it can be music it can be art it can be courses it can be books it can be
490
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,840
fashion it can be all these kinds of things and like that's what we're supposed to be doing because
491
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:42,160
we feel called to it we want to it likes us up it gives us life it brings us joy and it and like
492
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:46,720
other people benefit from it and appreciate it even if it's whether it's be peeling or like an
493
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:52,080
aesthetic and green piece of art in your home that like holds the frequency of the room for you right
494
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:58,000
and so it's like if we are having these like anxious attachment patterns like around clients or
495
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:04,000
we're you know overgiving or we're like self-abandoning like through our transactions you know we are
496
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,880
not only like harming ourselves but I believe we're not holding like a healthy energetic standard
497
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:14,400
for the people that we bring in and how we bring them in and not impact the experience right of like
498
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,720
what like you know because it I and I feel like every business owner like has to go through this
499
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:24,160
in the beginning but like I know for me in early business I feel like I wouldn't attract the most
500
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:29,360
like ready empowered clients they would just be like I want to do anything to get a relationship
501
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:34,560
and like you know and maybe be like a bit penny pinchy like disrespectful like why should I pay
502
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:39,680
you that's for that and it's like that like tell personal to me like I would take that personally
503
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,920
and be like oh like maybe I'm not enough and so I would like want to overcompensate in some way
504
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:48,640
and I would overgift which only just feed the dysfunctional dynamic whereas like the thing that
505
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:52,880
attracts in people who really like value and respect your work and like are like your soulmate
506
00:25:52,880 --> 00:26:00,080
clients if you will are people who like see what you do and like value it and like put that
507
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:05,040
route and and they pay you for it and it like just nourishes their life in some way but it's
508
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:09,920
required in order to attract that I believe like most of the time it's like you have to be respecting
509
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:14,720
yourself like you have to be holding those standards you have to be like you know for lack of
510
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,600
better way to put it and I don't really like language like this in general but I'm just kind of being
511
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:23,920
cheeky which is like you know you can't be like easy like you get and so it's like then like you
512
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,760
have to have standards with who you attract and that doesn't that doesn't mean that you will get
513
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:32,400
less it means you get more high quality people like and I've had that experience in my business before
514
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:37,200
where it's like you know there was a point in time where it's like I had I'd hit the six figure level
515
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,840
and I was like really wanting and feeling capable of more and I wanted more like I just knew that
516
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,840
there was more people I was supposed to be working with and I wanted to like almost double my rates
517
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,280
because that's just what felt really an alignment for the level of service I was providing for that
518
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:56,160
particular kind experience and like I had to it was funny I was like telling myself okay like I'm not
519
00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,120
even having like the level of points I want when I'm like pretty much abandoning myself and like what
520
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:06,240
I'm charging and like whatever and how much I'm giving so like how could I think that like
521
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:13,360
business would be like pick up even more if I like held a higher standard and and I stated that
522
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:17,760
pattern for a little bit and then I finally like it finally clicked for me where it was like
523
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:23,360
actually this makes so much more sense because like when I'm respecting myself and I'm respecting
524
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:29,440
my work I'm even more like magnetic and attractive to people and that became the experience and I like
525
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:34,400
nearly doubled my rate and started booking out for the first time ever and like repeatedly booked out
526
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:42,640
again again again and I was like bam good I've done this long time ago nice oh my gosh yeah those
527
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:49,360
and it's the same thing it's the same sort of like well if I raise my standards fewer people
528
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:54,080
are going to meet it like it's the same thing that happens in relationships and I know for me for a
529
00:27:54,080 --> 00:28:04,080
long time like the people I was dating and say my 20s there was definitely an element of like I feel
530
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:09,360
like I am going to feel secure in this relationship because I actually have my life together so much
531
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:15,440
more than this person does like how could they possibly leave someone like me and the amazing thing
532
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:23,280
that I feel like all people kind of learn as we get a little bit older is that actually it's the
533
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:31,360
people that you lower your standards for who treat you worse. It feels like it doesn't make
534
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:39,520
mathematical sense but somehow raising your standards and saying no I'm gonna have someone really
535
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:44,240
and having to like also expand your idea of what is possible that was such a big part of my own
536
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:50,880
repatterning was like looking to relationship model even fictional ones even like mortician gomes
537
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:58,240
atoms you know I was like I want that level of love and passion and security and like all the things
538
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:03,520
and yeah and being able to be like no that's that's that's possible there are people out there who
539
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:12,000
want that too and I'm actually blocking myself from those people by imagining that either they
540
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:18,160
don't exist or that I can only do as well as this sort of more compromising energy of like well
541
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:22,880
this person will really want to stay with me because they're not doing so great on their own you know.
542
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:27,920
Yeah yeah that's so real because like and I had to go through the same thing and honestly like
543
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:36,160
some people never like evolved past that like honestly regardless of age but I think that
544
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:43,200
it's like my core self like little Gianna like inner child Gianna she was she's like a big
545
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:48,480
lover girl giver like so generous so thoughtful like so loving and I had to learn like this
546
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:55,200
tournament of like when someone wasn't valuing me or like coming in with like reciprocity and like
547
00:29:55,200 --> 00:30:01,520
respect that that wasn't a sign to give more love to get them to you know and to just be like more
548
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:07,040
loving to get them to finally value me no because like nine times out of ten and it's a little bit more
549
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:12,800
complex than this but you know a lot of the times like people don't and it this is like very common
550
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,440
with like codependency and like even you know if you want to teeter into like topics of like addiction
551
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:23,680
as well but it's like a lot of the times like people don't change when they're enabled you know what
552
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:29,360
mean like they kind of have to have a bit of like stark reality where it's like no like you don't
553
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:35,600
get more love when you're an asshole or you don't get more love and like warmth and generosity when
554
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:41,600
you don't like nourish the and like respect and appreciate and reciprocate to that source of like
555
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:47,200
warmth and generosity and love and kindness right that's kind of a shift that we have to start to make
556
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:51,520
where the way it's like positioning yourself like the way that you and this isn't something that you
557
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:56,080
have to like overly think about strategically it's just something that you do when you do like
558
00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:00,080
when this concept lands and you do just respect yourself and value yourself where it's like
559
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,880
the same thing and it's like again like this applies to like business I feel like but it also applies
560
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:11,040
to relationships the way that we unconsciously position ourselves like creates how people treat
561
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:15,760
you know I've had clients who and again I don't knew people from this lens but I'm going to like
562
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:21,600
kind of speak to the common mentality out there which is like you know oh I bet that woman who
563
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:28,560
is like very successful and like in her late 20s or late 30s and like looks like a victorious secret
564
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:34,800
model or a Kardashian or whatever the beauty standards are now like men just you know are falling
565
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:42,160
to her feet or like that woman who is like older and like doesn't have a lot of money and like
566
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:47,920
doesn't have like abs like men probably she probably just has to like beg for love not necessarily
567
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:54,640
like I've had clients who would fit the archetype of the first woman who have had just really
568
00:31:54,640 --> 00:32:00,800
a trotious experiences with men because it's not about like the boxes you check it's about the energy
569
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,440
that you bring forward and I also and like I have a recent client example of this this woman who
570
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:13,680
is in her 60s and we we did some like relationship work for her poster boy and she like I don't
571
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:18,320
I wasn't surprised but I just like was so giddy and like had so much fun seeing it where it's like
572
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:23,520
men of all different like age ranges and like really successful loving generous men were just like
573
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:28,560
pursuing the hell out of her and it was because and she's now in a partnership that's been very happy
574
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:34,000
but she's now like a lot of the times it's like people think that you have to be perceived a certain
575
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:38,320
way and it's so much not about that's the way that you carry yourself it's the way that you like
576
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:43,600
unconsciously position yourself that determines like how people treat you and like also like
577
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:48,720
how you allow people to treat you because it's like it's so much about just the way that you carry yourself
578
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:55,920
you know yeah one thing I've noticed in a lot of your content is you use the the word soulmate a lot
579
00:32:55,920 --> 00:33:02,080
like soulmate connection soulmate relationship and there's I'm sure like there's a lot of different
580
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:07,920
ways that soulmate can be defined and I love like looking at all perspectives I'm just curious what is
581
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:14,480
your personal definition of a soulmate yeah I mean for me a soulmate and don't get me wrong like I
582
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:19,440
definitely believe there are people that we journey with through many lifetimes and they take on
583
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:27,040
like an unconditional role in your life to maybe like wound the fuck out of you to like help you
584
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,520
be more self-aware of the things that are going on within you and and there's an unconditional
585
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:40,000
soul level love in that but to me like a soulmate that I wish for everyone is the person who comes into
586
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:47,120
your life when you're at a place of healthy like reciprocal partnership and it's someone who
587
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:53,920
can see you and understands you and like values your unique characteristics and traits and also
588
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:59,360
like compliments your life and like fits into like what you need for yourself to be your best cell
589
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:04,640
but also like adds to it and you do the same for them and so that's really like I think that there's
590
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:09,040
a certain kind of like soulmate that I talk about that comes in when you're at a place of like
591
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,920
secure attachment you know like self-love polarity embodiment that feels authentic and right for you
592
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:18,960
as far as like masculine feminine energies and then it's like you also know yourself
593
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:23,440
you know what you want and then it's like the universe kind of sends in that person that like
594
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:27,920
largely fits you and then probably checks a few other boxes and you didn't even like consciously
595
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,400
think about it's like a little surprise and delight from the universe if you will and and that's the
596
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,880
person that you can really have long gemini with that's that's what I would determine us all made us
597
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:42,240
but in the way I talk about it anyway nice so it sounds like for you a soulmate is essentially like
598
00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:50,160
when you have removed perhaps the conditioning like the scaffolding the patterning that you may
599
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:54,400
have picked up through wounding you know through trauma throughout your life or just through like your
600
00:34:54,400 --> 00:35:00,560
life experience when you clear that distortion away so that your own soul is a very
601
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:09,280
clear resonant frequency then you attract someone who has that same clear frequency so your
602
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:16,240
souls can meet does that sound like kind of what you're talking about yeah I love that it's so
603
00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:22,000
like and I know like we've talked about this too like one of the things that that I'm a big big
604
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:26,320
big believer in is just the idea that like we are not our patterning we are not our programming
605
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:30,640
and so I also recognize that there are people who come into our lives there are people like you said
606
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:35,040
who are like they're soulmates but they actually come in to teach you a lesson like you meet up
607
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:40,000
in this lifetime to be like oh no I don't want that and like there's there's there's theories out
608
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:43,920
there that like like those are the people who actually love you the most on a soul level because
609
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:49,200
they're willing to be they're willing to be rejected by you in this lifetime so that you can learn
610
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:53,920
this karmic lesson in some ways it's a gift and I know that can sound a little bypassy but like there's
611
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:58,480
a part of that that also resonates with me on sort of like a non-dual level that I kind of like yeah
612
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:03,600
and then there's also people that I feel like maybe like we have traveled through lifetimes before
613
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:09,280
and maybe their soul just happened to pick up a lot of programming or patterning along the way
614
00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:14,400
maybe they went through a lot of abuse as a kid maybe they're struggling with addiction maybe they
615
00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:21,600
know whatever patterns that they have and what I love about where we agree on this is that
616
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:29,840
my feeling is like that person can still be your soulmate but it still requires you getting in both
617
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:36,400
parties getting into that clear resonant frequency before the relationship will actually work so
618
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:41,760
even if there is someone who's like oh that person who you know like there's all those memes online
619
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:46,320
that are like you know oh that that guy who's like not calling you back or like the dude who's like
620
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:51,920
you know whatever you know drug dealer you're obsessed with whatever is like not your soulmate
621
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:57,920
and I'm always like you know not necessarily because yeah yeah your soulmate can pick up these patterns
622
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:03,280
too but the important part is that you're not using the soulmate connection to justify
623
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:08,560
harm or abuse or distortion or lack of resonance in the relationship or like bad behavior on
624
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:14,160
their part or your part it's like okay if that is your if that is your soulmate then you better get
625
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:19,440
super clear because like you were saying before it's only when you get this clear in yourself like
626
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:26,400
enabling people doesn't help you better like be the lighthouse not the life raft and get so clear
627
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:33,040
and bright that that person if they are your soulmate will be inspired by you and be like oh damn I
628
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:39,280
got to step it up right yeah I mean amen and like like I feel like it last time when we hung out in L.A.
629
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:45,360
like we had such a deep conversation are like along this thread that I love so much oh my god yeah
630
00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:50,640
I was like damn like art and gets it like the complexities and the nuance because it's like people can
631
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:55,360
be so black and white with relationships where it's like you know like something I used to say
632
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,120
like early in my earlier in my relationship coaching work a lot that we would kind of like have
633
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:04,320
I feel like funny side conversations about where I'd be like oh my god like the oh romanticization
634
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:10,320
of twin flame conversations and it's like I get it and again like there can be truth to that but it's
635
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:16,320
like also two people like who are kind of like longing for connection and feel like a bit of
636
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:21,280
desperation for love and like connection and belonging and maybe have like codependent patterns
637
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,600
and like ancient attachment patterns like it can be a little bit of an unconscious and not that
638
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:31,440
not that this is like the intention of like twin flame culture necessarily but it's like a lot of
639
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:37,120
times people can use that as a justification to just stay super hyper fixated on a certain
640
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:42,000
relationship in a certain connection that like honestly in a different place you probably wouldn't
641
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:48,240
even want that connection but then it takes a lot of self awareness because I'm so excited to
642
00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:52,400
even like say this like I know you're gonna get this and I yeah it's just so juicy it's something
643
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:58,560
I get asked a lot or I've been asked a lot about over the years is like can you manifest a specific person
644
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:04,720
right and I'm like the reality is is like if you are someone who deeply knows yourself you're deeply
645
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:09,520
intuitive and like you know you know like your patterns you know where you tend to get anxious or
646
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:14,960
avoidant or like give your power away or like self abandon or whatever it is if you're overall a good
647
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:20,480
place and you feel a certain kind of bark or a certain kind of connection with someone there is a
648
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:25,280
level of recognition in that they're they're kind when you're when you truly are a conscious person
649
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:30,720
sometimes you're like I'm recognizing my person and like they're circumstances and my circumstances
650
00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:37,280
are not an alignment yet and so like I can manifest that person because they are a manifestation
651
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:42,720
of an embodiment of my deepest like souls truth and partnership and I can like smell it on them
652
00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:49,040
and so in that in that regard like when you do come even more into integration with your most
653
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:53,280
authentic self like you do you can call that person in and people do it I've seen it I've helped you
654
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:58,480
with it but a lot of the times and I'm telling most of the time these people like are honestly
655
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:03,680
in delusion and they're in just like self deception and self betrayal because they're using that
656
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:09,040
relationship as like a way to bypass like these things that they need to work on and this is why
657
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:14,800
nine times out of ten I paid a client don't hyper focus on a certain person focus on the archetype
658
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:19,680
and the the essence the energetic essence of what you want because if it is that person you can
659
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:25,440
be open to them they will come in but if it's not then they will fall away and that tends to be what
660
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:30,000
happens because a lot of the times people a lot of people don't have and it's not that they're not
661
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:34,480
capable of it but it's like a lot of the times people aren't hyper fixating and like getting
662
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:40,240
obsessed with certain people from from a place of true self recognition it's like codependency it
663
00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:46,080
anxious attachment it's like they're you know your traumas are like are very um
664
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:51,680
compatible if you will right and so I love that you kind of brought up like that nuance because it's like
665
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:58,000
a lot of the time people are either one one board or the other or it's like oh like that
666
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:04,400
incredibly harmful to my well-being person is the one or they're definitely not the one because
667
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:09,680
they would respect me if he wanted to he would and and life tends to be a little bit more nuance
668
00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:15,280
than complex than that and people have people have issues and and it's so much about like the energy
669
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,840
and the standards and the boundaries that you bring into the connection that determine like the
670
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:24,800
real health and longevity of the connection and something I say a lot in my work is like the way in
671
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:30,560
which and this is why like being single is like honestly so fun because I'm like I can literally
672
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:35,280
attract whatever the fuck I want and I mean like like I can literally attract whatever the fuck I want
673
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:40,560
because of the energy like I put out and like you know someone can you know in my last relationship
674
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:45,680
as an example of this where it's like he he's told me he was like you know I thought I was like
675
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:50,720
damaged and was just this emotionally avoidant person but like he had this cycle of being like
676
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:56,320
the avoidant in like an anxious avoidant dynamic and I like came forward to him and granted I think
677
00:41:56,320 --> 00:42:00,400
that like the stars aligned circumstantially to where we were a little bit more like disarmed with
678
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:05,600
each other but like I brought in like more of a secure attachment and also there was just an
679
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:11,680
an innate authentic connection there and so like he was not a boy with me at all it was quite the
680
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:16,080
opposite like he was he was very secure like if anything if I got a little avoidant he'd be like
681
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:21,760
what are you doing and I was like oh you felt that huh you know like and so it's like your energy
682
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:27,440
impacts so much of what you experience one of the things that Neil Strauss said not in his book
683
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:33,360
the game but in his sort of follow-up book The Truth which sadly was not nearly as popular as the
684
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:37,520
game was and because the truth it's it's a really great book and one of the things that he says and it is
685
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:45,440
trust is a leash that gets longer the less you pull on it that idea of like if you're not constant
686
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:50,240
like you don't get it's literally an energetic push pull thing right it's like if you're not
687
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:56,080
tugging on someone or constant like validation or like need for security like there it's like
688
00:42:56,080 --> 00:43:00,800
oh hey where'd you like where'd you go like you give them the space to to come back and I want to
689
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:04,720
also talk about like you mentioned twin flame culture and I'm just going to say it man like twin
690
00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:12,080
flame culture is messed the f up like it is and it's because there are so many I'll just say it there's
691
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:17,920
so many cults out there because there are so many people who are especially in the dysregulated
692
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:22,400
times that we are living in there are so many people who are searching for that regulation or
693
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:27,600
security in a relationship and what they think of as a soulmate relationship and there are so many
694
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:33,280
people who are mistaking that limerence or that feeling of a high for a soulmate connection when it
695
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:38,000
isn't right when it's just like as you said either your trauma's meeting or that spark of attraction
696
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:42,160
or whatever it is because they haven't really experienced what a soulmate connection actually feels
697
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:47,280
like so they're like this must be it because it feels so intense and so there's cult literally
698
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:54,160
quite literally cults out there that capitalize on that and they're selling and this why it makes me
699
00:43:54,160 --> 00:44:00,800
so angry because I'm someone who has been on the twin flame path and when I started on it gosh roughly
700
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:08,000
10 years ago now I felt like I was out of my mind I've I was getting all these signs about like oh this
701
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:14,160
is the twin flame path you know just just do it and because like everything that I'd saw and read
702
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:19,760
about it in the culture just felt so backwards but what I I'm so very grateful that like somehow I
703
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:24,160
learned at least like the theory of it and the theory of the twin flame path of what you're supposed to
704
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:29,600
do is it goes like okay you meet this person and immediately all like you're wounding and patterning
705
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:34,160
comes up because there is this frequency of love between you but there like things are not gonna work
706
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:39,600
if you're both in these kind of anxious avoidant polarities and you know you've got to both get into
707
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:46,080
balance and so you do the inner work you release the patterning that is you know distorting that
708
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:50,640
sort of soul frequency that we were talking about and they're like and if you get there like if you
709
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:56,640
get to that place then the other person should too because you have that chord between the two of you
710
00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:04,800
and in my experience it doesn't like it doesn't go at the same time necessarily but like but the key is
711
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:10,880
and this is how like as a chaos magician my practice of chaos magic is built on the foundation of the idea
712
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:16,800
that I choose the beliefs that get me the results that I want and why found with a twin flame path
713
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:23,760
is the only result the only belief that got me to that place of total non-attachment and just
714
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:29,520
you know worrying about myself was the belief that your twin flame is not necessarily one person
715
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:36,720
it is whoever you attract when you are in this frequency of resonance because you may go through this
716
00:45:36,720 --> 00:45:44,800
the funny thing was jihanna I I got to a place where I'm like actually I don't think that belief is
717
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:53,760
categorically true but it has to be the belief in practice because you can't know if that person
718
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:59,920
really is that person or not unless you are a hundred percent willing to let them go if you're a hundred
719
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:05,120
percent willing to be like I'm just going to get there and see I'm going to get there myself and if
720
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:10,640
it's not them then I was wrong about it and it was just limerance and I don't want them if they're not
721
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:15,120
actually that soul connection and the only way to find that soul connection is to get there so I
722
00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:20,080
went through phases where I was like oh maybe I'm going through a few different twins who are simply
723
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:26,880
my mathematical polar opposite of whatever reflection of is like of the work that I've done on myself
724
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:33,360
and that was the belief that got me to that place and like I'm not right like I'm just say for
725
00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,880
listeners whatever I'm like I'm like not ready to tell that full story yet and also like I want to
726
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:43,680
focus this on jihanna but I just want to validate the fact that like every twin flame thing that
727
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:48,480
I saw out there so much of it was just like put there your twin flame you must fight for this
728
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:57,280
connection I'm like that is the mathematical opposite of what you need to do like yeah so part of my
729
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:01,920
like part of my whole thing is like going forward into a lot of what I'm going to be doing is like
730
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:07,680
I just want to rewrite the culture's entire notion of what twin flames are and what the path is to
731
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:11,840
actually do it because it turns out actually if you do it that way like it works one way or another
732
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:16,960
either they are your twin flame and then like stuff happens or they weren't your twin flame and so
733
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:21,120
you attract an amazing person from this place that you're in this soul frequency resonance place
734
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:26,720
of at that point like either way you win you know what I mean yeah exactly exactly like you know
735
00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:32,640
something that I just love everything that you spoke to and I love the term chaos magician like
736
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:37,520
I'm gonna need to know more about that at some point maybe like oh yeah it just like we choose
737
00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:41,520
the beliefs that get us the results that we want like we measure our beliefs and practices by
738
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:48,240
the results that they get us just that that title like resonates with something in me that I need to
739
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:59,360
explore for others yeah love it but something that like I feel to be deeply true for me it's like
740
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:05,280
I know that like my soul came here to do certain things in this life that like I chose before
741
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:10,960
I incarnated in this physical body like I deeply believe that and I both deeply believe
742
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:17,120
part of like my Dharma in this lifetime for like collective good but also for like what my soul is
743
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:24,320
meant to evolve into in this life like relationships and romantic relationships are a big part of
744
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:30,880
that journey and that experience for me and so for me it would never gonna be my path to just like
745
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:36,320
marry the high school sweetheart you know what I mean like I think my soul's path has been to like I
746
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:42,880
needed to experience a lot of things to like activate past life with them that I already have and
747
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:48,400
like some of it that was just already innately there and I think my childhood really like activated
748
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:52,240
because that this is something that like I kind of like channeled if you will at one point which is
749
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:56,880
you know because also for side context here like I was raised by psychic medium so I also have that
750
00:48:56,880 --> 00:49:05,280
like element of my existence that's like into it but something that I deeply believe is that
751
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:10,800
like sometimes like we experience things like very early in life that are meant to like turn on certain
752
00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:16,000
things that we've already kind of had in past lives that we've already mastered that are part of like
753
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:20,880
our our soul like just think that we've already mastered an infinite body then they just get turned
754
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:25,360
on really quickly right and we're meant to have those be active and activated or like whatever we're
755
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:29,440
supposed to be doing having this life and like you know something that I've seen for example with
756
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:34,720
that is like clients who I feel like they get initiated in their childhood to be really enmeshed
757
00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:40,000
but I think that like the purpose of that is to activate their intuition to be able to be able to
758
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:43,600
like be sensitive to other people's energy but they're meant to keep that sensitivity without the
759
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:52,080
self abandonment integrate that but something that I have known to be true is that I for me personally
760
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:58,880
in my own journey with relationships is like the thing that I can that I always go back to is like
761
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:04,320
I'm going to like listen to myself and like take care of myself and be true to myself and like
762
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:09,920
myself and love myself respect myself and whoever that like leads me to and leads me away from like I
763
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:15,280
will always fucking trust that and like along the way like I've learned so much like relationship
764
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:20,640
nuance and complexity around that where it's like okay like you know it's not just a black and white
765
00:50:20,640 --> 00:50:26,560
like oh I healed myself and now like I don't attract like boys or like avoidance or like whatever
766
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:33,760
anymore it's like people are a bit more complex than that and like you know I definitely believe
767
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:41,280
sometimes it's like we feel called to like stay open to a connection and like as we like stay true
768
00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:46,320
to ourselves like that connection can elevate with us and like you know and there's so much more
769
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:51,760
like nuance and complexity to relationships like you know maybe you can like recognize the essence
770
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:57,200
of someone who is married but they're not happily married but again that's where we get into some
771
00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:03,360
tricky waters because a lot of the times it's like you know do you actually is that married person like
772
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:10,480
your beloved or is there something in you that is self sabotaged into available connections
773
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:14,080
and like this person you know in the back of your mind you could never have them
774
00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:18,320
and so you feel compelled to just like drop your wall because there's no real risk you know what I mean
775
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:22,960
until it's like you kind of have to be able to really really get to know yourself and really
776
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:30,800
really call yourself the fuck out to be able to navigate like a bit of those complex nuance
777
00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:37,200
waters if you will. Yeah and I love that the path forward for both of those possibilities is actually
778
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:43,200
the same like you don't have to know when you're in that space of like Russian limorance and whatever
779
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:48,560
which like I've been there I was aunt that was you know very much you know in the beginning when I
780
00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:52,800
was getting all these signs of like no this is the thing but you need to work on yourself and you
781
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:56,800
need to do this path and you need to not focus on this person or whatever you actually need to
782
00:51:56,800 --> 00:52:01,920
patch and get yourself into that place and like honestly I did it just because I was curious I was like
783
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:10,560
if this if this actually works that's a game change. Yeah and and so the path for but like either
784
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:14,720
you work on yourself and you're like oh that was just me wanting an unavailable connection or it was
785
00:52:14,720 --> 00:52:21,120
like oh no I did this and actually things shifted and actually like wow I was I was right or whatever
786
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:31,920
do you see? So I want to ask you also a question what's that? A lot of people like don't know how to
787
00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:35,600
like it's like I feel like when people typically talk about those conversations people are either
788
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:42,400
like he's a married girl stop you know or like oh yeah like it's definitely be the twin fame
789
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:50,240
claim to Lulu yes he's the one. Yeah oh my god me too I'm so glad that we're talking about it all
790
00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:55,840
this. I want to ask you a question because I know you and I have like a very friendly complimentary
791
00:52:55,840 --> 00:53:04,640
disagreement and that is on feminine men and maybe like maybe we just have different definitions
792
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:10,240
of what a feminine man is but for example and I know that like you've talked about like your work is
793
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:15,600
for spiritually where feminine women like women who identify as feminine and I have a very strong
794
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:21,200
feminine aspect but I also have a very strong masculine aspect I feel like really pretty balanced
795
00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:27,040
within myself and I'm attracted to men who also have both of those and I'm attracted to women too
796
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:32,720
I'm bisexual, pansexual, whatever I've been attracted to many different types of people but
797
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:42,720
the place where I feel really the strongest attractions are to men who have a really strong feminine
798
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:48,160
and a strong masculine so they compliment me like they they have both of those complimentary things
799
00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:53,680
to compliment me as well and I've seen like sometimes you'll describe like a feminine man is like a man
800
00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:59,600
who isn't capable of taking initiative or like being a leader in the relationship and that's
801
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:04,640
important to me too like I obviously I want someone who is going to have that sort of strong basis but
802
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:08,240
there's also times that like I like to take the leader I like to make plans or I like to do things
803
00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:13,440
like that and so I'm wondering um I guess I guess my question is like a bit of a two-parter like first
804
00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:18,560
of all what is it that you mean when you talk about a feminine man in a way that like you're saying
805
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:24,880
is not ideal in a relationship and then what sort of maybe a but I don't know advice or like
806
00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:31,360
how would your guidance differ for someone like me who has that sort of non-binary nature and is
807
00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:36,560
attracted to people who have both of those sort of masculine and feminine poles? Believe it or not
808
00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:42,080
like you know I know not to like reduce my self-duestrology but um I've got like a lot of
809
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:49,600
Gemini placements also leoplastements but um I'm a very like curious person who can like really see
810
00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:55,760
like the value in so many things and like you know I also have like attraction to women um I like
811
00:54:55,760 --> 00:55:01,440
can it I'm attracted to different aspects of different like qualities and frequencies and men
812
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:07,840
but to me like what it boils down to and like one thing I want to say before I a little caveat here
813
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:13,920
is I I'm a lately will don't believe in telling other people like what is their correct
814
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:19,200
embodiment or in who they are in relationship I think that that is our sovereign
815
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:25,280
right to know and choose for ourselves um because I'm not here to say like oh like the way that you're
816
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:30,240
wired or like the way that you that's all that's wounded that's trauma like sometimes it is you know
817
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:35,280
like I was definitely like in the past when I was younger I was very much just self-abandoning
818
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:39,760
codependent woman that wasn't me that was that was trauma and then there was times where I over
819
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:44,320
compensated into like a hyperindependence and like a more masculine energy if you will where I
820
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,960
always had to be in control and relationships I was making the decision and to appoint that felt
821
00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:53,280
good because I felt my sovereignty and my independence in that that I previously didn't feel inside of
822
00:55:53,280 --> 00:56:02,160
myself but it got to a point where in partnership I felt over like overextended and I was like over
823
00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:06,320
functioning and I think that that's a real issue for a lot of women in like traditional like
824
00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:11,840
heteronormative dynamics where when you think of like the typical relationship dream that a lot
825
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:16,960
of people will have which is like get married have kids like build a home together you know and then
826
00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:23,040
when you start to talk about the labor around a home or like emotional labor in a relationship I
827
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:29,680
think for women who want something like somewhat traditional in that way feminine energy it embodied
828
00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:36,640
in themselves and like a masculine partner is very important because otherwise that's why that's
829
00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:41,920
where that like statistic comes from where it's like women who get married and have children's life
830
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:46,720
expectancy goes goes down and for a man it goes up and like correlation is not causation right like I
831
00:56:46,720 --> 00:56:51,840
think it's the underbelly the underworkings that feed into that outcome and for a lot of the times
832
00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:57,360
it's women being unconsciously so conditioned to just like pick up the slack like emotionally
833
00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:04,080
around the home and so there's just certain things that like I think it's especially like when
834
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:08,240
children are involved like there's just certain things when I witnessed this with my sister
835
00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:12,240
who just had a baby like a few years ago where it's like there's certain things like no matter how
836
00:57:12,240 --> 00:57:16,160
much your partner like wants to help and like wants to have your back and like wants to take
837
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:21,520
something on for you there's just like biological elements where the child like needs the mom to do it
838
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:25,600
right where it's like the breastfeeding right like the baby doesn't take the bottle like you know
839
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:31,600
there's just certain things that like where I think a woman like when she is in that role like wants to be
840
00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:35,360
and I'm not speaking for everyone here obviously but like she wants to be able to be that present
841
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:41,680
like nurturing available nourishing figure but it's like if she's taking on like so much more
842
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:48,000
in a relationship dynamic and in a home like she her life force is just being immensely depleted
843
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:54,400
and so I think that it's like it's really up to you like as an individual to decide you know you
844
00:57:54,400 --> 00:57:59,120
can you can appreciate and like feel attraction for like multiple different types of things but it's
845
00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:03,840
like at the end of the day like who do you want to be and like what is the life that you want to live
846
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:08,960
and like what partner is really complementary to that and for a lot of women that I've worked with
847
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:15,200
like around feminine energy it's like they typically have been a woman where they're over functioning a lot
848
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:20,240
and it's like they they have a hard they have a hard time giving up control and they often are
849
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:26,000
lacking trust and respect towards like they're you know towards like the masculine and the relationship
850
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:32,000
and that has to be cultivated and it's often a past projection of old wounds but I think for men
851
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:37,280
it's like you know and again like I think I there's people who are just wired a bit differently and
852
00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:41,520
feel called to like live life a certain way and that's fucking great and I think that's divine I think
853
00:58:41,520 --> 00:58:47,040
that's perfect I think that's what you're supposed to do and be in half but it's like sometimes I think
854
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:52,480
that there are just like women can have wounding the causes them to over function I feel like men can
855
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:57,680
have and and these are just generalized statements obviously I think men sometimes in my experience
856
00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:04,160
and I've had male clients too and I've also seen how my clients in partnership like their masculine
857
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:11,120
started to shift as they shifted these energy but it's like I do believe sometimes you know
858
00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:14,800
and there's different factors that go into it it can be like health hormones it can be
859
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:23,200
trauma but it's like where men like a natally would feel some some men would a natally feel better
860
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:28,480
like feeling more in this like masculine role if you will being able to make decisions be decisive
861
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:35,280
take charge and like and handle certain things but they don't because maybe they they don't feel
862
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:39,760
confident they feel like a bit amatulated and maybe that started young like in their childhood with
863
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:43,280
their relationship with their mother where their mom was always like jumping down their throat and
864
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:47,440
they go into their wounded little like inner little boy that's like I'm just shutting down I'm going
865
00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:51,920
to go play video games and go to my room you know like that kind of energy and like like the passive
866
00:59:51,920 --> 00:59:57,680
like people pleasing man who's like whatever you say honey whatever you say honey and it's like
867
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:03,680
that might avoid conflict but it's not like healthy relationship structure for that kind of dynamic
868
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:08,240
so I think of a day like to be honest I know I know you said like a plate like a playful respectful
869
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:13,360
like disagreement like I think we are actually like more in alignment than maybe we thought we were
870
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:19,120
I think that it's just yeah like a bit more nuance and I just think it boils down to like
871
01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:25,040
personal preference because again like I don't believe because that's like Republican shit to be like
872
01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:29,760
this is how like this is your role as a man that's your role as a woman and if you're not that role
873
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:32,480
there's something wrong with you and you need to heal like I don't believe in that like I think that
874
01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:37,920
that's that's our own that's our own like whatever like I don't know you're so calling better than
875
01:00:37,920 --> 01:00:42,160
you do but like if something that I say like Revan needs to see you hell yeah you know I got your back
876
01:00:42,160 --> 01:00:48,800
I can we can we can work on it it sounds like your definition of feminine in this context is like a
877
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:54,480
feminine man that is in a not so great way is someone who is maybe kind of avoid it's almost like
878
01:00:54,480 --> 01:01:00,480
an anxious avoidant polarity but instead of it being the push pull between like attention and attachment
879
01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:06,160
it's it's the push pull between making effort in the relationship that the woman in some dynamics
880
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:12,720
like this has to overcompensate for a lot of leadership because the man feels afraid to step up
881
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:18,160
and it's so funny because when I think of feminine men I think of artists and creatives I think of
882
01:01:18,160 --> 01:01:25,360
like Prince I think of David Bowie I think of men who actually have accomplished incredible things
883
01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:31,360
and like in David Bowie's case was completely devoted to his partner right I think also of like
884
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:37,840
in more contemporary standards I think of like right now like K-pop is having such a surge you know
885
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:42,720
in the US like probably thanks to K-pop demon hunters which is such a great movie and I look at
886
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:47,680
the culture that I like I got so interested in being like oh like this is really neat what's this and
887
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:55,360
the the K-pop idols like the men who are K-pop idols like they work so hard like the amount of
888
01:01:55,360 --> 01:02:01,760
creativity that they have to put out on such like crazy schedule and everything like that it's just
889
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:06,880
it's like the last thing that they are is passive right but they have to be sort of like everything
890
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:10,480
they have to be they have to be hard but they have to be soft and they have to be cute but they have
891
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:15,280
to be sexy and they have to be all these I'm like and I look at that I respect that so much because of
892
01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:20,720
my former work as like a dating coach I remember like holding myself to being able to be all of
893
01:02:20,720 --> 01:02:26,000
these different archetypes in order to you know to to be attractive and to channel that into a creative
894
01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:32,560
career is just like it's just such an an amazing feat so I don't think of them in Indian men as
895
01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:38,640
anything about slacking off I feel like it's a cultivation of intuition and a cultivation of
896
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:43,520
attractiveness in a way that a lot of overly masculine men often don't think about like they might
897
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:47,520
dress up in a suit they might look good right they might be like yeah football player on the field
898
01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:52,640
people might be into that but feminine men with a strong feminine aspect like they think about style
899
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:56,880
and aesthetic and like a completely different way and and as a woman I'm like I feel seen by that
900
01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:01,200
like you actually know how much effort I put into myself I'm not just like doing this for someone
901
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:07,520
who doesn't get it you know so yeah so maybe that's where we ultimately agree we just have different
902
01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:13,440
semantic definitions of what feminine means I think that it is a bit like semantic is a good word for
903
01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:18,000
it because it's like is that feminine energy or is it wound up masculine because like whenever I
904
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:22,480
talk of clients about like masculine and feminine energy I always go back to the example where it's
905
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:27,280
like we need both right and I think we should all have both inside of us right where it's like the
906
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:33,040
the feminine is like the intuition she's the flow she's the and I think we should all have like
907
01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:38,160
both right but it's like overall like in the relationship container like the feminine woman takes
908
01:03:38,160 --> 01:03:42,800
on more of these traits and it erbodies more of them in the relationship dynamic but you know
909
01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:48,000
she's the intuition she's the flow she's like the intuitive oracle she's the sealer she's the
910
01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:53,440
presence she's the sensuality she's like in the present moment and then you know and she's like
911
01:03:53,440 --> 01:03:58,160
the river flowing through the river river bank whereas like the masculine is the structure he's the
912
01:03:58,160 --> 01:04:03,680
container he's the river bank that holds the water right and so it's like he might be more of like
913
01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:09,440
the problem solver linear thinker like the the action taker the leader whatever but it doesn't mean
914
01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:13,280
that like she doesn't have those traits and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have those traits but it's
915
01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:17,440
like that's where they kind of complement and support each other really well and then it's like you
916
01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:22,080
know the feminine without the river bank right the water she just turns into a puddle and evaporates
917
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:27,040
whereas like the masculine without the river like he's just like an ugly dirty ditch right
918
01:04:27,040 --> 01:04:31,680
you know what I mean like so it's like we need both is that right and it's like we all have and I
919
01:04:31,680 --> 01:04:38,240
think we all have like both but it's like I know for me specifically I had a relationship like this
920
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:45,680
where I really got like I really loved like the emotional element to a man like at the time because
921
01:04:45,680 --> 01:04:50,480
I previously only dated like a voida yeah I kind of like went from one extreme to the other in a way
922
01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:55,360
where it's like I felt like I was just being this big like emotional spaceholder and so it's like
923
01:04:55,360 --> 01:05:02,240
to me it was like a fine line between in my own relationship experience of like okay like I love a man
924
01:05:02,240 --> 01:05:08,480
who's aware and in touch with his emotion and and is creative but ultimately his emotion like don't
925
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:14,080
hijack his ability to like you know keep his eye on the prize to be able to like be focused to like
926
01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:20,480
lead himself in his life to have like ambition to have focused and drive and will and like
927
01:05:21,200 --> 01:05:26,560
goals and you know what I mean and so I think it ultimately does well down to a bit of snitch for sure
928
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:32,480
but I like I love I love that we're like flushing salad me too oh my god I wanted to like have this
929
01:05:32,480 --> 01:05:36,800
this conversation with you for a while because I know just to my listeners out there like Gianna and I
930
01:05:36,800 --> 01:05:41,120
also like we always joke that like if we ever go out together like we will never compete for
931
01:05:41,120 --> 01:05:46,640
the same man like we're we will be the best wing woman because we have completely very very
932
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:51,280
different types so we're we're gonna be we're gonna when she moves to LA I'm keeping my fingers
933
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:56,000
crossed when that day happens we're gonna like we're gonna be the best wing woman ever well I want to
934
01:05:56,000 --> 01:06:01,280
bring on our producer Tomi to ask her question at the end of the episode and we've gone like all over
935
01:06:01,280 --> 01:06:05,520
but I love the fact like I didn't want to stop this conversation even though I try to keep the episodes
936
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:10,000
around an hour but like we were in flow and it was so great so but now I'll go ahead and hand it
937
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:15,600
over to Tomi to ask her question yeah I would like to circle back to the like feminine man
938
01:06:15,600 --> 01:06:22,720
masculine woman dynamic and I'd be curious your thoughts on how you think that applies to trans people
939
01:06:22,720 --> 01:06:29,120
like personally I'm someone who I was only able to start accomplishing things in life or like
940
01:06:29,120 --> 01:06:35,440
really put myself in that position of power as I embraced the feminine side that I was often
941
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:42,240
made to feel ashamed of or I had to suppress so I don't know how much you work with trans clients
942
01:06:42,240 --> 01:06:48,320
but I'd love to know how you think that plays into that dynamic yeah no I love this question
943
01:06:48,320 --> 01:06:53,680
yeah I mean I've had all different kinds of clients over the years you know LGBTQ plus like
944
01:06:53,680 --> 01:07:00,960
all like all the things and what I really come back to is like again like I really really just think
945
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:07,680
that it's it's up to us to be like our authentic expression of who we are in life and in relationships
946
01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:12,800
and so I don't believe in telling people like you need to be more masculine in this way you need to be
947
01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:19,200
more feminine in that way but it's like I think sometimes if we have like an attraction towards like
948
01:07:19,200 --> 01:07:25,200
I'll use myself as an example like I have always been attracted to masculine men but it's like when
949
01:07:25,200 --> 01:07:30,080
I was younger I had a lot of like abuse through like a masculine father figure growing up
950
01:07:30,080 --> 01:07:37,280
and as a result like I kind of would be like have this push pull with masculine men and so I would
951
01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:43,120
be like I'm just gonna date people who aren't really like giraffed and don't like have this like
952
01:07:43,120 --> 01:07:48,560
authoritative presence because I associated that like authoritative presence with abuse right and
953
01:07:48,560 --> 01:07:54,320
like not feeling safe and so I kind of like went to the optic stream and with like date men that were
954
01:07:54,320 --> 01:07:59,200
very passive and then I would find like oh I'm so like depleted in this dynamic because it's not
955
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:06,080
it doesn't feel compatible with my like authentic wiring right and so for me like my journey
956
01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:13,040
personally was doing that work too be like what do I really want? Who am I really? And like who's
957
01:08:13,040 --> 01:08:18,240
going to fit me the best ultimately in a in a relationship dynamic you know does that make sense?
958
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:23,920
Yeah I think so. Okay well if there's anything you want me to clarify just let me know.
959
01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:28,640
And maybe maybe ultimately I think that's like the common theme of what this discussion kind of
960
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:33,360
wraps up to like especially as we're wrapping up is Tomi that for you like femininity is your
961
01:08:33,360 --> 01:08:39,520
that authentic soul resonance is expression for you so for you like being in your femininity and you
962
01:08:39,520 --> 01:08:45,680
know attracting a partner that maybe mirrors you in a way that is appropriate like for your own soul
963
01:08:45,680 --> 01:08:50,320
like that is a resonant with your own soul and like for me being non-binary the fact that I'm
964
01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:56,880
attracted to people who are you know also like rather androgynous like I am and for Gianna being
965
01:08:56,880 --> 01:09:01,360
someone who is hyper feminine you know again like I was like oh I'm shocked she's not wearing pink
966
01:09:01,360 --> 01:09:05,920
today it's the only time I've maybe seen you like not wearing pink you know to be able to attract
967
01:09:05,920 --> 01:09:11,120
what you want and that at the end of the day it really is about removing the programming and conditioning
968
01:09:11,120 --> 01:09:15,280
that tells you that you need to be anything that you aren't and that when you are in that soul
969
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:22,000
frequency that's when you do attract the things that are most resonant and bring you the most joy.
970
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:26,480
Gianna I want to thank you so much for being on this conversation today so anything I didn't
971
01:09:26,480 --> 01:09:30,320
mention before about like where people can find you or what else they should check out of yours?
972
01:09:30,320 --> 01:09:37,360
First of all thank you so much for having me um both of you. Yeah and yeah no I mean the website the
973
01:09:37,360 --> 01:09:43,120
gram um I'm on Facebook as well but yeah I mean if there's anything like in the conversation that
974
01:09:43,120 --> 01:09:47,200
really resonates with you and you want to connect like you are more than welcome to reach out to
975
01:09:47,200 --> 01:09:52,320
me in the DM on any platform that you find me on so feel free to do that. Yeah well thank you once
976
01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:58,800
again for being here and again I am counting down the days till you're in Los Angeles whether you know
977
01:09:58,800 --> 01:10:06,080
temporarily or maybe perhaps permanently for a little while and uh yes exactly thank you so much
978
01:10:06,080 --> 01:10:10,960
for being here today and thank you to all of our listeners thank you for tuning in hope you enjoyed
979
01:10:10,960 --> 01:10:17,760
the conversation and we will see you next time on the Re-Patterning Podcast. Thank you for listening
980
01:10:17,760 --> 01:10:22,720
to the Re-Patterning Podcast. If you're curious about the Re-PatterningProject the eight week course in
981
01:10:22,720 --> 01:10:27,760
mental mastery and creative freedom that inspires these conversations you can check out more details
982
01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:33,440
at theRepatterningProject.com we run a cohort twice a year or you can download the self-study version
983
01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:38,880
of the course and get started today. We also offer a four week course on narrative magic and archetype
984
01:10:38,880 --> 01:10:44,000
titled "Mits and Magic Changing Your Life Through Story" also twice a year. If you'd like to
985
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:52,400
join our community the Re-Patterning Parlor on Discord you can sign up for five dollars a month at patreon.com/theRepatterningPodcast
986
01:10:52,400 --> 01:10:57,600
thanks to everyone who makes the Re-Patterning Podcast possible. Firstly our award winning
987
01:10:57,600 --> 01:11:03,120
producer Tomi Trembath of the key master collective network of podcasts she also produces trans
988
01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:09,360
sending comics vision in the void and giant sized violence thanks also to animation studio mortis
989
01:11:09,360 --> 01:11:14,640
and madriacs who created the video for our introduction as well as to Andrew Means who composed and
990
01:11:14,640 --> 01:11:19,840
produced our theme music and also thanks to Al Alvarez who took the photos of yours truly that
991
01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:25,120
you see on the cover of each episode if you're watching the video version and finally thanks to you
992
01:11:25,120 --> 01:11:29,920
our listeners who give meaning to this work our greatest wishes that whatever you've heard today
993
01:11:29,920 --> 01:11:35,840
inspires you to live freely and begin creating your reality from the inside out thanks for tuning in
994
01:11:35,840 --> 01:11:37,520
and we'll see you again soon.
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01:11:37,520 --> 01:11:58,880
[inaudible]
