Till Death Do Us Part: The Vow We Stretched by 38 Years

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Kind: captions
Language: en
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Once you're not winning them over
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anymore, many people stop trying to keep
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them. So, the missing piece is the
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in-between, the vow and the end of the
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marriage.
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>> [music]
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>> Today, we are going to be talking about
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a very touchy subject. I'm just going to
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I'm going to say up front that I'm going
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to ruffle some feathers. I just ask that
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if you're listening, stick with me for a
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little bit. This may not be exactly what
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you think, okay? We're going to talk
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about the words till death do us part
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and what they mean and where they came
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from and why they might not be serving
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us the way we would like them to. So,
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hang in there, gang. Like, if you're
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here with me and you're listening, this
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might at first seem like an offensive
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idea. When they first wrote the words
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till death do us part, guess how long
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the average person lived?
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43. I've been doing my research.
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So, the promise that you think means
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forever, when it was originally written,
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it meant about 19 years because people
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lived to 43. Now, people live to 80, 90,
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100 easily. And that number is sometimes
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tripled
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in years. So,
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we have kept the exact same six words
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for 500 years and we quietly tripled the
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sentence. And let me show you what I
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mean, all right? Again, hang with me. I
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started thinking about this when I was
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watching a show and they said till death
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do us part and I thought, my god, like,
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no one's staying that long. And that
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seems like such an old-school part of
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wedding vows and vows we make to people.
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It almost seems like a lie in this day
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with how much divorce there is and how
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much separation is and how normal it is
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for people to move on. Do we really mean
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it? Let's dig in a little bit and more
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importantly talk about is that phrase
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serving us the way it was intended to
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and do we live in a world where it can
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work. So, I'm Leslie. This is The Loom
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Live. This is Pulling Threads, part of
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The Loom Live, where we share ideas and
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stories that work through our
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programming and decide
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if we need to get rid of it or keep it.
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And this is the first episode in a
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series about those six words. So, maybe
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the most sacred six words we have, till
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death do us part, maybe not. Now, I
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really want to be clear about something
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before I go one sentence further because
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the conversation
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could easily be misheard and I want to
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be really clear. I am not anti-marriage.
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Anti-marriage. And I think that's
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really, really important for everyone to
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hear and accept. I am not anti-marriage.
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I am anti-lying at the altar. And I
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think many people are doing just that,
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whether they intend to or not. There is
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a difference and by the end of the
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video, I think you'll see what I mean.
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So, if you've ever stood up in a hard
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season of a long marriage, quietly
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wondered, "What is wrong with me?" this
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episode is for you and I hope you stay
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with me. So, I'm going to go back a
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little bit. These words aren't ancient
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in the way we imagine. They actually
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came from a man named Thomas Cranmer,
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who wrote them into
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something called the Book of Common
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Prayer in
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1549.
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Yes.
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15 49. All right? It's a bit ago.
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And the original line was a little bit
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softer than the one that we use. It
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wasn't part, it was
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till death us depart, where depart just
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meant separate. Two people separated by
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death. That's the image we have. Here's
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the part that nobody tells you.
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In 1549, life expectancy in England,
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where this originated, was somewhere in
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the low 40s. It was around 43. So,
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picture a couple getting married in
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their mid-20s.
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On average, how long did they actually
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get together before death did the
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parting? About 19 years. And that was
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long, right?
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So, marriage back then was rarely this
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decades-long endurance event that we
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imagine now. I mean, we imagine growing
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old together when we say till death do
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us part. And I think in the age of gray
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divorce and all of these all we hear
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about are divorces. And in addition to
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the gray divorce, just divorce after 50,
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we're hearing about people on both
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sides, men and women, glowing up after
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their gray divorce, looking younger,
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getting healthier, living their best
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life. So, I think we need to take a
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pause and like really think about these
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words. And I'm going to think about them
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on many, many, many different levels.
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Because I want to be clear, I do think
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having a partner and a connection for
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most of our adulthood, always having
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someone who's our person, whether it's
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in a relationship, a friendship, or a
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close family member, I think that is a
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critical part of aging well and staying
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healthy. So, don't get me wrong. I do
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not think that everyone should be alone.
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I quite the opposite. But, it was
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marriage back then was rarely this long
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thing. It was often like just a chapter
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of the person's life and ended early
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because there was illness, childbirths,
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and bodies were just more fragile back
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then. So, widowhood was actually really
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common and remarriage was common. People
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loved and they grieved and then they
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loved again, especially women. They
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needed to get remarried. So, it wasn't
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uncommon for women in their 40s to find
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a new spouse, a new relationship. Now,
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if we do the math on our life, a couple
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getting married today can expect around
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57 years together. So, look at what
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actually happened. We took the same six
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words, words that were calibrated for
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about two decades of marriage, and
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without changing a single letter, we
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stretched them across more than half a
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century. Just let that sink in and let
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the trends that we're seeing now set
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into. Look at the age where people are
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getting divorced. I don't think it's an
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accident. We are the first humans in
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history asked to keep this promise for
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that long and we're not the best at it.
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We're not the most devoted.
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We are not. And I think that quietly
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reframes so much of the shame I see in
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people I work with. They're so ashamed
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that they couldn't make this thing work.
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Because when a marriage starts to strain
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at year 20 or 25 or 30, we assume the
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failure was personal and the person
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failed. You know, we assume we failed. I
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didn't try hard enough. Other people
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manage forever.
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What's broken in me? Okay, those old
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marriages that lasted 19 years, that's
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exactly how many years I was with my
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ex-husband. So, in those terms, I made
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it. I got to the end of the road of But
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I didn't die. I didn't die at 43.
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Or even in my 40s. Here I am at 50. So,
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I think that this shame we hold about
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not keeping this promise is more
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indicative of a need for a change in the
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promise. We're going to keep digging
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into that idea. Just
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with me. Some of you are probably really
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mad, but it's okay. Rather than think
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what's broken in me, I think we need to
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think about what's
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broken in this programming we have that
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tells us that we need to meet someone in
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our 20s and stay with them until we're
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100 years old. Let's think about the
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programming more than blaming ourselves.
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Forever was never even the historical
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assignment. We inherited the language of
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a 19-year promise. And we've been
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holding ourselves to a 57-year one and
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then blaming ourselves for the ache of
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the difference and being punished
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financially with a system that makes
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going through the divorce process
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ridiculously miserable. So, here's where
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I want to go a little bit deeper. Cuz I
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don't think the problem is really the
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length of the promise, to be honest. I
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think we've confused the word with the
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thing. And the word is forever.
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And forever
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is easy. It costs you nothing at the
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altar because it asks nothing of you
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tomorrow morning. Let that sink in. You
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can promise forever and then spend 30
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years slowly disappearing inside it,
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going through the motions, sleeping next
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to someone that you don't turn toward
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anymore, mistaking endurance for love.
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The word doesn't care whether you
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actually are there. It just needs you to
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say it. The thing, the making it work
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and loving this person, the verb love,
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that's hard. And some people do it and
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some people do it really beautifully.
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So, I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm
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saying it's hard. And saying I'm going
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to be with you for
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I'm going to put this ring on your
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finger and I'm going to stay with you
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forever is easy. The thing is presence.
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It's choosing a person on an ordinary
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Tuesday when nothing is romantic and the
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dishwasher is broken and you're both
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tired in that specific way that long
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marriages and families and children and
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responsibilities make you tired.
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Nobody's watching. No one's crying at
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the altar and you choose these people
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anyway. That's what we need. We need to
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keep choosing each other, but that
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choice, repeated, unglamorous, freely
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made choice, that's the actual substance
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of a life woven together. That's what's
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important. And it's braver than any
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promise of permanence because
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permanence, once you've promised it,
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requires nothing more from you.
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Presence, showing up every day, requires
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a lot. So, this is the
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loom, the weaving that I keep coming
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back to. It's in the name. A marriage
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was keep or you cut. It's cloth.
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Woven every day by every small choice.
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And here's the thing about cloth. Left
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unattended, it unravels. We have to keep
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weaving it. We have to keep working with
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it. We have to keep taking care of it
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and giving it attention. That's the
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part, I think, the promise of till death
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do us part. That's where the disservice
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is. It's telling someone that I promise
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you
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I will be with you forever, but we're
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not promising them that we're going to
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show up when things get hard, and when
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they get sick or we get sick. We're not
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promising that we keep
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working on the relationship and that we
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keep both keep evolving. And as one
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person changes, we keep making the
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effort to keep falling back in love with
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them even though they've changed
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dramatically. We bypass and we say till
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death do us part. And I think the words
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themselves are part of the problem,
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because I think the moment we say it and
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we sign the contract, many, many, many
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people stop trying because we've
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promised them now we're being almost
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like a forced We made a promise,
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probably that we don't not going to
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keep. And the irony is the reason we
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won't keep it is because we made it. The
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reason we won't stay, the reason why we
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won't make it work, the reason why we
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won't keep working at it is because we
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each promised each other. And so there
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is a belief that this person can't leave
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me now. They can't leave me. Not they
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won't leave me. So, when we talk to
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married people, when I work with married
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couples, they stop making an effort.
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Why? They don't have to anymore.
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Once they don't have to win person over
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in this culture, once you're not winning
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them over anymore, many people stop
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trying to keep them. So, the missing
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piece is the in-between, the vow,
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and the end of the marriage. The missing
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piece is the effort we need. We need to
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almost forget we made the vow and
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pretend we're dating forever.
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:53.190
Because when we're dating someone, they
00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:56.630
can leave us. And I believe one of the
00:13:56.640 --> 00:13:58.990
biggest parts of that we're kind of
00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:03.030
missing is not teaching people that you
00:14:03.040 --> 00:14:06.150
can't stop trying. You can't stop
00:14:06.160 --> 00:14:11.070
working, and you can't stop evolving and
00:14:11.080 --> 00:14:13.270
making the other person feel safe. They
00:14:13.280 --> 00:14:15.350
don't have to stay with you. It doesn't
00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:17.350
matter if they said till death do us
00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:20.310
part. Those words really don't mean
00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:23.030
anything if the person doesn't keep
00:14:23.040 --> 00:14:25.590
trying and keep working and keep
00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:27.630
recommitting every single day, over and
00:14:27.640 --> 00:14:30.790
over again. Every day, we recommit. And
00:14:30.800 --> 00:14:33.990
so, like I said, this is episode one in
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:36.150
a series, and the question I want to
00:14:36.160 --> 00:14:39.950
leave you with today isn't should you
00:14:39.960 --> 00:14:42.110
have promised forever? It's a little
00:14:42.120 --> 00:14:43.910
more gentle than that. What would you
00:14:43.920 --> 00:14:47.270
promise now, knowing what that word
00:14:47.280 --> 00:14:50.190
actually asks of you? Not, I'll stay no
00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:53.030
matter what, something more honest and
00:14:53.040 --> 00:14:55.510
honestly more demanding. What about I
00:14:55.520 --> 00:14:59.030
choose you today. I into intend to keep
00:14:59.040 --> 00:15:01.110
choosing you, and I'll tell you the
00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:03.670
truth about whether I still can.
00:15:03.680 --> 00:15:05.350
Thoughts? I'm sure I'm going to have
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:07.790
some stuff in my comments section that's
00:15:07.800 --> 00:15:09.710
going to be great, but
00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:11.550
that is not a smaller promise. It's a
00:15:11.560 --> 00:15:13.829
much bigger one. It just happens to be
00:15:13.839 --> 00:15:16.070
the one you can actually keep. And if
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:18.030
your marriage already ended, I want you
00:15:18.040 --> 00:15:19.790
to hear this part especially. You didn't
00:15:19.800 --> 00:15:21.710
fail at forever.
00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:25.550
Forever was never a thing. The choosing
00:15:25.560 --> 00:15:28.510
every day was the thing. That was the
00:15:28.520 --> 00:15:30.550
thing. That's what we need to say in our
00:15:30.560 --> 00:15:32.830
vows. Over the next few weeks, I'm going
00:15:32.840 --> 00:15:35.150
to take this all the way apart. The
00:15:35.160 --> 00:15:37.670
research, what an unhappy marriage does
00:15:37.680 --> 00:15:40.350
to your actual body, the pushback I get,
00:15:40.360 --> 00:15:43.070
and the vow I'd write instead of this
00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:44.870
one. If something in this loosened a
00:15:44.880 --> 00:15:46.950
knot you've been carrying, that feeling
00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:48.870
is worth listening to. It's the whole
00:15:48.880 --> 00:15:51.110
work at The Loom Life, and there are
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:52.950
links in the description if you'd ever
00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:55.310
like to talk it through with someone, or
00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:58.510
you need extra support. It is offered
00:15:58.520 --> 00:16:00.590
through The Loom Life in many different
00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:04.470
forms, in my school community,
00:16:04.480 --> 00:16:06.390
through coaching, and through a program
00:16:06.400 --> 00:16:08.870
called Through, where I help women
00:16:08.880 --> 00:16:12.550
specifically go through divorce
00:16:12.560 --> 00:16:15.510
in a much [music] more peaceful way. And
00:16:15.520 --> 00:16:17.590
kind of walk alongside them to help
00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:19.230
support [music] them through. Till next
00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:24.466
time. I'll wait to hear from you.
00:16:24.476 --> 00:16:31.671
>> [music]
00:16:31.681 --> 00:16:33.701
[music]