WEBVTT
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Hi guys, welcome back to Parenting Tools.
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Uh my name is Ian and today I am always as I'm not always joined, I am joining the expert, the pro, the master of giving out parenting tools and advice.
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My mom, Nicole McKenzie, who has written a parenting book and wants to give all of her tips and guidance to you guys.
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So Ma, introduce yourself.
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Hi, I'm Nicole.
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I'm this uh apparently expert.
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Uh I'm a little bit of an expert.
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Parenting ninja.
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Because I did raise raise six kids and they turned out actually pretty cool.
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So uh I think a lot of what we did worked, and I'm happy to be here and share what I've learned with you guys.
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It's debatable.
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I'm one of those six kids, so we'll let you guys make up your mind if that shit worked or not.
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Um, today's topic is helicopter parents, and I actually have a um a topic here from a Reddit um subscriber, and she says, I've been told I'm a helicopter parent.
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I believe I am.
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Please help.
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So here's here's what she says: she has a child, four, and a child of nine years old.
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I've started noticing the signs and now I have been told about helicopter parenting.
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My eight-year-old son wants to bathe in private, um, but I'm too scared to allow that to happen.
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My daughter has a school trip next week.
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I cancelled the last one because I wasn't happy about it.
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I'm exhausted.
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I checked in three times at night, aged eight and five.
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I won't allow anybody to babysit either.
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I don't want to be like this.
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Please help.
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Okay.
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So before we go further, for those people who don't know, I mean, obviously, if you're listening to the podcast, maybe you have an idea.
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But if you don't know, what is a helicopter parent?
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Well, basically, a helicopter parent is just somebody who doesn't allow the kid to do anything by themselves.
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They're always on top of them, hovering and making sure everything is taken care of.
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You know, there's like uh um they're doing everything for their kids.
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There's also I I saw another uh thing too.
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It's like um uh uh Rosemeyer.
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What's that?
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It's a lawnmower.
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Lawnmower parents.
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There's also lawnmower parents.
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Lawnmower parents?
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Yeah, and apparently what they do, they take the obstacle away before so the kid never encounters any obstacle.
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Okay, so they clear the way for the kid so it never has to deal with anything.
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Huh.
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Yeah.
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So that's even worse than helicopter parents.
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Lawnmower parent is worse than helicopter parent.
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Okay.
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But let's look at helicopter parents because it goes in the same direction.
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Okay, so just to clarify, a helicopter parent is like somebody who's always watching over and like this lady said, never lets anybody else do anything because they're just too scared that something will happen and don't want to burden somebody else with the responsibility of their child.
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Or actually they're scared about their kids.
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Something could happen to my kid, you know.
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Does that like happen often?
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You feel like that's come does that does that come from like trauma?
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Is it just people overdoing it?
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Like, what do you think causes that?
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I think basically they're just want to be such good parents and they want to be so so they're loving their kids so much that they don't want anything to happen.
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And they think that the kids are so delicate that anything could just like ruin them for life or something.
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I think that's the main concern that it's just you know, as I mean, an eight-year-old who can't shower by themselves.
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That's you know, that's that's that's a pity, I think.
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You know, I mean, what do you do to those kids if they grow up?
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They're and won't be able to do anything on their own, you know.
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But also for the parent, that must be exhausting.
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Exhausting, absolutely.
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You have no time for yourself anymore.
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You're just constantly like, okay, what's going on?
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Like, if you're constantly on like redlining, you're just you're you're gonna be cooked.
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So it's like it's it's so stressful.
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Yeah, because you can't you don't have confidence in your child if you don't uh most likely you don't have confidence in yourself, therefore you don't have confidence in yourself.
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But that's one that's one of the key issues, how to install confidence in your child.
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You know, you have to be confident that he actually can do a certain task.
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So is it it again like most of these things that we find out, it's usually has nothing to do with the kids, it usually has everything to do with the parents.
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Okay, yeah, that's why it's called parenting tools.
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You know, I mean, it's like I mean it basically where it comes from, it's like the kids are your equals.
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They're not less because they're small, they're equal people.
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They're you know, and and you it's like if you have a soccer team again, you know, and nobody in your team knows how to play soccer, they're all equal people.
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Yet you except for the ones who suck, you keep them on the bench.
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Just don't play those kids.
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Yet you have to to train them, you have to guide them to become soccer players.
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Okay, so let's the same thing with parents.
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You know, we that the your your kid is is your equal.
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Okay, so on that note, let's go back to this Reddit story and see uh so what let's give her a name so it's easier for the audience.
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I'm thinking Sarah.
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Okay.
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So Sarah has what does she have again?
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A five and an eight-year-old?
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Five and uh she has an eight and a five-year-old.
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Eight and a five-year-old.
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Or a nine-year-old even, yeah.
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Okay, so old enough to be taking a shower by yourself.
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If Sarah was here and you were talking directly to her, uh, the shower thing is the first thing that pops out as being really strange.
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Like, what is that?
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Yeah, taking a bath.
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It's not even a shower thing.
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Taking a bath, I mean, she thinks he's gonna drown or what?
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I mean, it's just the the the uncertainty in that parent.
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I I think I would address that and say, look, you're not doing your kid a favor.
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You actually uh uh do the opposite of enhancing his lives you you you taking him back, he won't be able to trust himself to do things.
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You have to to enable your children to make mistakes, to mess up.
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He won't drown, he's smart enough, you know.
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It's more like you know, this this kid is my grandson, and he's he's really cool, but he has he's used to be um corrected a lot.
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Okay, and we took him to a trip when we were there on vacation, and we took the metro, and uh, you could tell, I mean, he started with like hanging on the bar and just doing all these things that he probably usually does to get the attention where the parents say, Don't do that, don't do that, you know.
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And I just let him because you know I'm I'm gonna again I like to just choose my battles, wasn't worth the battle.
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So I was like, Who wants to do that?
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It doesn't bother me, so yeah, just keep on doing it.
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So finally he sat on the floor in the metro.
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It's pretty gross, right?
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Had his hands on the floor, was sitting there and just testing.
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And I said, Huh, interesting, you know.
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If it were me, I wouldn't sit on that floor.
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You know why?
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Because people come in here with their dirty shoes, they maybe stood in some poop, and they walk in here, and then if you sit on the floor, you get the poop all over you.
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Man, he was up in a second.
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It wasn't me saying don't do that, he would have resisted.
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I told him, like, hey, this is another option.
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Look at it from this point.
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What you decide to do, and it was his decision to get up.
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If I would have said, um Mateo, get up.
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This is dirty.
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It would have been like a fight because he wants that.
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He wanted to get the attention because I gave him the choice to make his own decision because he's a smart kid.
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He made the right decision without me being involved.
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So that's the opposite of helicoptering and still getting him to do what you want to do.
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Okay, so in the context of helicopter parents, that's you still watching over them, but not like stopping him like a helicopter parent.
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I'm like, no, no, no, the floor is dirty.
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Like, no, no, no, don't do this.
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Like, no, no, no, don't do that.
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Like, they would have just automatically stopped them rather than them like letting them go through the motions because they're not hurting themselves.
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They're just gonna find out like the floor's probably got shit on it.
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Like, and if they do hurt themselves, then you go in, of course.
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Yeah, then then they're not making a smart decision.
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But also, like, if he wants to do climb up somewhere where he can maybe fall a little bit, let him try it out too, you know, as long as it's not dangerous.
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Oh, I have a great like it's it it's the saying goes, you shouldn't stop kids from doing dangerous things carefully.
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Yeah, like it's like you should let them do things if they're like being careful, and if they fall a little, then like because I can see that being really bad.
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If you constantly catch your kid before they fall, they think that they're always gonna be caught when they fall.
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And like and they're not trusting themselves, they have no confidence in themselves, and confidence is key in life.
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You have to be confident, you have to let them make mistakes, you have to have them fall over.
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You know, I mean, it's like kids falls over, that's great.
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They'll learn not to run that fast.
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Or if if they never fall over, they don't know how fast they can run.
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It's you you it's their life.
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You're only there to coach them when necessary.
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Don't step in all the time, let them have some freedom.
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But also, I mean, uh, yeah, keep them safe.
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You know, that's the main thing.
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You don't leave leave your kid and your four-year-old in the bathtub without supervision.
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Sarah's Sarah's kid is eight.
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Yeah.
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So Sarah's kid is eight.
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So it's very and he wants to bathe by himself, he wants to shower by himself.
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Absolutely understandable.
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It's like let him give him some privacy.
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Yeah, give him some privacy, but not there.
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Also, everywhere.
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Take away, like instead of going helicopter um sorry.
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Helicopter parents control every move.
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And it's stressful for them, it's stressful for the kids.
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Just my recommendation: choose your battle.
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Okay, you know, and let the other stuff slide.
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So, what if he hangs on the bar?
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So, what if he tries to pull?
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If he can't pull the attention, he's gonna stop.
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Okay, but then let's go back to Sarah.
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Yeah, because Sarah's kids are not trying to pull attention.
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The problem is very clearly with Sarah being a helicopter parent.
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So, what advice would you give Sarah?
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Because it's not, you know, the kid's not trying to get attention.
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The kid literally just wants to go shower by themselves.
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Like the little girl wants to go on her field trip.
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Like, yes, it it it you do have to be careful with your kids.
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You have to keep them safe.
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Obviously, that's paramount above everything else.
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Yeah, of course.
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We're gonna take that as an asterisk on everything that's said here.
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But what would you tell Sarah to say, like, okay, like what do you do?
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You have to start to to to change the way you parent.
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I think in a case like that where it's so severe, it I probably would recommend to get some outside help.
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Like what?
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Like see a therapist.
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Oh, therapy.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Because just so for your kids safe.
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Because it's it's it's at at the at the at the severity where you can't just change it.
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I think simply you you could you can start.
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I my my recommendation would say okay, start with only controlling three things a day, and that's it.
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Everything else you let slide.
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Three major things you get to control, and everything else it's up to the kids.
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That would be almost impossible for this mom.
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But what do you mean, like three things?
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Like, can you give examples?
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Well, like they can take a bath by themselves, but she still can check his homework and do his homework with him.
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Um, she still can see when they're eating that they're eating all their food or whatever, you know.
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Yeah.
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And she still is in charge of when they go to bed.
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Those three things she still can do.
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Everything else, she has to give up.
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Try it.
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See what it does.
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But you would say for someone who's this level of like can't even let them like first of all, you need to go talk to a therapist and see why you can't help.
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Yeah, why you can't let that go.
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Because it's insecurity.
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It's c it's insecurity, but what it does, it makes your children insecure.
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They're gonna be so insecure they can't do anything themselves because everything is controlled.
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So it's really, I mean, this isn't an extreme example.
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There is lots, there is like a lot of people just overdo it a little bit with being over the kids, whenever you know, controlling them.
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But the more you have to be aware that they're equals, they're they can take responsibility, they can do certain things.
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But you keep saying that they're equals.
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What do you mean?
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Like that they're not uh some people think they have to do everything for them because they're not capable, they're not like equals, they're better than them, which is also an inferior inferiority thing.
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So if you're better, you have to check all the time.
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If you were the same, you could also trust that they actually are capable of doing certain things.
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You know, even if they run too fast and fall lower.
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Oh, that's a good learning experience.
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Right.
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You know that speed they fall.
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Yeah.
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And then go in where you can coach them, but coach as equal, not because I'm so good and I have to control you so you don't get hurt.
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Right.
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You know, yes, you're but you it's not controlled.
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I mean you're sure you should make sure that they don't get hurt, but it's not by controlling, it's by coaching, which is very different because a coach, a coach is an equal, you know.
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Well, no, coach is like, I know more than you, so you should listen to me, but the coach is not gonna do like my I used to play baseball for a long time, and my coach would always say, like, trust me, we wish we could get on the field and play for you guys, but we can't.
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Yeah.
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So we just have to show you exactly what's no more, but you're still equal as persons.
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You know, you're still you're not better because he's the coach and you're the you're the you're learning the game.
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Well, I hope he's better because he needs to know the game better than that.
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No, but like, yeah, that's like it's I'm I'm just talking about confidence.
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If I if somebody's always better than me, then I'm inferior and it's gonna hit on my confidence.
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Oh, so you're talking about the perspective from a kid.
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Like if you see that you're always the inferior of the two, then you're gonna be in like as as a parent, we're equals, but I'm in charge because I have more experience.
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I know things you don't know yet.
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Yeah, so I have to coach you.
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So that's where Sarah's coming from, right?
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She's like, I I know what to do, you're my responsibility, these are my kids.
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I want to make sure that they're safe.
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But she's coming from a controlling, not from an equal position.
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Well, controlling in fear, right?
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Yeah, fear.
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Yeah, yeah.
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It's like she's not secure probably in herself.
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Therefore, you know, she wants to do it such, she wants to do such a good job, and they're so worried that she's doing something wrong, that she's doing everything wrong.
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Not everything, but a lot of things wrong, you know.
00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:24.879
I mean, she just she just crunches those kids so they can't experience life and they have no freedom.
00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:28.320
So handicapped the parents take the freedom away of their kids.
00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:33.440
So let's say Sarah has gone to therapy.
00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.399
She realizes that this is an issue with her, not with her children.
00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:37.120
She probably knows it.
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:38.799
The way she wrote that post, it sounds like she knows it.
00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:39.919
She's very aware.
00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:40.480
Yeah.
00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:42.000
Which is great.
00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:42.799
That's the first step.
00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:44.000
First step of self-awareness.
00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:46.799
People are not aware, and then you know, it's even worse.
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:48.000
But this is already good.
00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:51.440
So let's say she's gotten the therapy that she needs.
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:53.679
Okay, she's now accepting of all of this.
00:14:53.840 --> 00:15:00.639
You are now sitting across from Sarah, and she says, Okay, I don't let them bathe by themselves, I don't let them go on trips.
00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:02.639
Um, I make sure that I check their calendar.
00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:05.279
I check them when they sleep three, four or five times a night.
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:06.720
That's why I don't sleep very well.
00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:08.240
Where do I start?
00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:09.679
What do I do?
00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:12.399
If I were Sarah, I went to therapy.
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:14.559
I know now that I No, no, you're not Sarah.
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:16.159
You are the coach of Sarah.
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:18.720
So Sarah's the coach of the kids, you the coach of Sarah.
00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:19.759
You tell Sarah what's up.
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:21.120
I would tell Sarah, okay.
00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:23.120
First thing you do, you sit with your kids.
00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:24.320
They're five and eight.
00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:25.759
You can have a talk with them.
00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:32.720
And you go through and you say, Look, I've noticed that my parenting style has been like very much controlling.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:37.840
And I do want to change, but I need to have you guys' assistance.
00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:40.799
You need to assist me so we can change together.
00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:44.480
Because I want to change things, and it may be not gonna be easy.
00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:53.679
But I want you on my side, I want to give you guys more freedom to experience more what's going on around you and not be in charge of everything.
00:15:54.000 --> 00:16:03.039
So please, you know, I want to start with like for the eight-year-old, for you, I'm perfectly fine if you want to bathe yourself or shower yourself.
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:06.960
I just want you to make sure that you're safe.
00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:17.759
You know, I may stand in front of the door for the first week or two, and if that's okay, please, you know, just understand myself, you know, I'm a little anxious that something is going wrong.
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:21.279
So just hang with me through this period.
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:26.960
Okay, because they're on your side, they want you to be happy, they want you to work with you, you know.
00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:30.240
So I think the eight-year-old would say, Yeah, great, of course.
00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:33.279
Yeah, you can stay in front of the door, I tell you when I'm ready.
00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:42.879
And you know, I mean, there's this other story on Reddit too, where the eight-year-old or the kid finally took a shower by himself and then it yells for that, that towel now.
00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:47.039
It's like, you know, man, if they can shower by themselves, you don't have to go get them the towel either.
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:50.399
You know, they're old enough to shower, they can also get their own towel.
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:52.000
So, yeah, yeah.
00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:57.440
So have him shower and take his own towel, come out of the bathroom, high five.
00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:01.200
And you do that for a week until you see, yes, I actually can trust him.
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:02.480
He's great taking showers.
00:17:02.559 --> 00:17:05.359
And for the kid, it's like, whoo, finally, I have a break.
00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:06.799
I can take my own showers.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:08.880
Is that gonna be a break for the kids?
00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:15.200
Because I've seen helicopter parents and I see how the kids are, they're very like we've discussed it before.
00:17:15.359 --> 00:17:17.599
Kids are smart and like they want the parents' attention.
00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:23.680
And so, usually, if you have a helicopter parent, that doesn't usually constitute for kids who are used to doing things by themselves.
00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:27.440
And if they don't get things done for them, then they have a fit.
00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:30.160
No, not if you have because that's why you have to talk.
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:34.240
Yes, because you bring them on your side and they say, I have a problem with this.
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:36.319
Yes, but I'm gonna challenge that.
00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:39.119
That talk will do good in that little that space.
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:42.720
Yeah, but then afterwards, when it comes to executing the action, I don't agree.
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:52.960
I think that when you go to that second part where mom towel and you say you can get your towel, that's a or I want to stand outside the door, it's like no, and then that comes a fight.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:18:00.079
Like, I know I'm looking at this from the worst angle, but I always want to do that to see like parents who are gonna go through that because they're already having a tough time with their self-confidence.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:03.200
Now it's like, I don't think that that's going to be that easy.
00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:04.319
What do you think?
00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:10.000
I think maybe you have to expand the talk a little bit and say, look, we're gonna do it like that.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:14.720
You're gonna go in the bathroom, you're gonna have a shower, you're gonna dry yourself off.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.279
I'm gonna be outside the door, I'm not gonna intervene.
00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:19.839
It's gonna be your time, and you can do it on your time.
00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:22.160
But do you only have 20 minutes?
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:23.599
And after 20 minutes, you have to be done.
00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:25.359
It's a long shower for a kid.
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:31.200
And then you come out, and you know, if you don't hold to that time, then I can come in.
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:38.480
That's uh yeah, I I think and I think it's like then because you give the kid responsibility, they love responsibility, you know.
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:47.759
It's it's not that they don't want it, but if they see, okay, it's a challenge from my mom, she's gonna give me 20 minutes, I better do this right because I want to shower by myself.
00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:49.440
And he's not gonna challenge her.
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:52.400
Maybe he says, Yeah, I don't want you to stand in front of the door.
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.480
I can say, I completely understand.
00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:59.039
Let me do it for just one week, and after a week, I won't have to do it anymore.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:18:59.920
Can you live with that?
00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:01.680
And if it says no, you say, Too bad.
00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:02.799
Yeah, he says too bad.
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:04.160
I have to do it.
00:19:04.240 --> 00:19:06.640
I'm really something, something's gotta like, I gotta do it.
00:19:06.880 --> 00:19:11.279
But I think he'll he'll it's like kids are really on your side.
00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:12.319
Yes, yes, yes.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:13.920
I'm not, and but I'm not arguing that.
00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:21.200
I think we've seen it though, you know, like they want to have your attention if that's what they're used to, and they're gonna get it in the way that they get it.
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:27.599
And if it's used to you being a helicopter parent and they know that you're insecure about that, they love you, but they're gonna push that button.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:30.640
And so I guess that's where the other parenting tools come in.
00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:34.319
You have the conversation and then you go through and you have consequences and whatnot.
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:38.480
Um consequences in a I mean, yeah, that's that's that's the other thing.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:41.279
It's just what you have to change is the thinking.
00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:46.240
It's like you have a capable being human being who doesn't know everything yet, right?
00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:49.039
So you have to coach him, you don't have to crush them.
00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:52.559
Yeah, coach don't crush, coach don't crush.
00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:58.400
And a coach is like you you want to bring him up so he can make mistakes, he can mess up.
00:19:58.480 --> 00:19:58.880
It's okay.
00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:09.359
That's why consequence in advance are so good because the kid is choosing, he's either choosing the behavior that works or the consequence that you guys picked that work for you too.
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:13.279
And he picks, and you should be completely happy with either one.
00:20:13.440 --> 00:20:18.240
You know, if he picked the consequence, all you know is like consequence wasn't strong enough.
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:22.640
So we you re-revisit the whole thing and you pick a bit of consequence.
00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:23.440
Okay.
00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:24.240
Okay.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:35.599
So to wrap up for Sarah, um, can we give her a step-by-step, play-by-play, what she should try to do in order to fix her, or not fix her, just help her situation, right?
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:40.240
To change the dynamics so she can have a little a less stressful helicopter style parenting.
00:20:40.400 --> 00:20:42.160
Um, yeah, what are the steps?
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:53.920
The steps are therapy, sitting down with the kids, have a talk, explain where you're coming from, how you're anxious about them getting hurt, and therefore you're over overprotective, and you want to change that.
00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:57.680
And it may take some time, and you need you need their cooperation.
00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:05.119
And then in order to do that, you're gonna start with putting some uh boundaries into place because that's the first thing.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:08.079
She doesn't have boundaries, she or she has only boundaries.
00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:11.440
Yeah, it sounds like only boundaries, and like none of them get executed on it.
00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:22.799
So this time we do boundaries, but we do the boundaries with consequences agreed up in events, and we sit and we look at that, and within those boundaries, I want to let you have freedom.
00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:27.119
Okay, and I would sit with her and pick those boundaries, you know.
00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:31.519
I mean, I it depends on on their lifestyle a little bit, what they can pick.
00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:33.200
But that would be the first step.
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:37.359
Consequences with boundaries, consequences agreed up in advance.
00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:37.839
Okay.
00:21:38.160 --> 00:21:39.759
Now, last thing, I want to try something different.
00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:48.640
I want you to look straight down into camera one and pretend that you're talking to all the helicopter parents out there, and you can give them one message before we sign off.
00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:49.200
What is it?
00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:52.960
It doesn't have to be anything just like whatever you want to say to those parents who are helicoptering.
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:57.519
Well, helicopter parents, I understand where you're coming from.
00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:05.519
Uh, give your kid a little bit more trust, let them do things, let them make mistakes so they'll learn how to be confident human beings.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:10.240
It's you're doing your kid a great service if they can make mistakes.
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:11.839
And that's it.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:13.119
Parenting tools.
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:14.240
Thanks for watching.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:15.599
Thanks for listening.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:17.279
Thank you very much.
00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:21.599
One thing for certain it's rule number one.
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:09.519
Hi guys, welcome back to Parenting Tools.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:19.519
Uh my name is Ian and today I am always as I'm not always joined, I am joining the expert, the pro, the master of giving out parenting tools and advice.
00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:26.879
My mom, Nicole McKenzie, who has written a parenting book and wants to give all of her tips and guidance to you guys.
00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:28.559
So Ma, introduce yourself.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:30.160
Hi, I'm Nicole.
00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:32.560
I'm this uh apparently expert.
00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:33.920
Uh I'm a little bit of an expert.
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:35.119
Parenting ninja.
00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:39.840
Because I did raise raise six kids and they turned out actually pretty cool.
00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:46.960
So uh I think a lot of what we did worked, and I'm happy to be here and share what I've learned with you guys.
00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:47.920
It's debatable.
00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:51.280
I'm one of those six kids, so we'll let you guys make up your mind if that shit worked or not.
00:00:51.439 --> 00:01:05.599
Um, today's topic is helicopter parents, and I actually have a um a topic here from a Reddit um subscriber, and she says, I've been told I'm a helicopter parent.
00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:07.519
I believe I am.
00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:08.400
Please help.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.200
So here's here's what she says: she has a child, four, and a child of nine years old.
00:01:13.359 --> 00:01:18.319
I've started noticing the signs and now I have been told about helicopter parenting.
00:01:18.560 --> 00:01:26.640
My eight-year-old son wants to bathe in private, um, but I'm too scared to allow that to happen.
00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:29.280
My daughter has a school trip next week.
00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:32.400
I cancelled the last one because I wasn't happy about it.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:33.439
I'm exhausted.
00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:36.640
I checked in three times at night, aged eight and five.
00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:39.439
I won't allow anybody to babysit either.
00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:41.200
I don't want to be like this.
00:01:41.359 --> 00:01:42.400
Please help.
00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:43.120
Okay.
00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:48.480
So before we go further, for those people who don't know, I mean, obviously, if you're listening to the podcast, maybe you have an idea.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:51.840
But if you don't know, what is a helicopter parent?
00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:57.760
Well, basically, a helicopter parent is just somebody who doesn't allow the kid to do anything by themselves.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:03.760
They're always on top of them, hovering and making sure everything is taken care of.
00:02:03.920 --> 00:02:07.280
You know, there's like uh um they're doing everything for their kids.
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:10.159
There's also I I saw another uh thing too.
00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:14.080
It's like um uh uh Rosemeyer.
00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:14.560
What's that?
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:15.360
It's a lawnmower.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:16.719
Lawnmower parents.
00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:18.080
There's also lawnmower parents.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:19.039
Lawnmower parents?
00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:25.919
Yeah, and apparently what they do, they take the obstacle away before so the kid never encounters any obstacle.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:30.879
Okay, so they clear the way for the kid so it never has to deal with anything.
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:31.360
Huh.
00:02:31.520 --> 00:02:31.680
Yeah.
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:33.360
So that's even worse than helicopter parents.
00:02:33.840 --> 00:02:36.240
Lawnmower parent is worse than helicopter parent.
00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:36.560
Okay.
00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:39.680
But let's look at helicopter parents because it goes in the same direction.
00:02:39.919 --> 00:02:52.319
Okay, so just to clarify, a helicopter parent is like somebody who's always watching over and like this lady said, never lets anybody else do anything because they're just too scared that something will happen and don't want to burden somebody else with the responsibility of their child.
00:02:52.639 --> 00:02:54.240
Or actually they're scared about their kids.
00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:55.759
Something could happen to my kid, you know.
00:02:56.080 --> 00:02:57.360
Does that like happen often?
00:02:57.520 --> 00:03:00.000
You feel like that's come does that does that come from like trauma?
00:03:00.159 --> 00:03:01.439
Is it just people overdoing it?
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:02.479
Like, what do you think causes that?
00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:09.520
I think basically they're just want to be such good parents and they want to be so so they're loving their kids so much that they don't want anything to happen.
00:03:09.599 --> 00:03:14.879
And they think that the kids are so delicate that anything could just like ruin them for life or something.
00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:21.360
I think that's the main concern that it's just you know, as I mean, an eight-year-old who can't shower by themselves.
00:03:21.439 --> 00:03:23.840
That's you know, that's that's that's a pity, I think.
00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:26.639
You know, I mean, what do you do to those kids if they grow up?
00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:28.960
They're and won't be able to do anything on their own, you know.
00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:31.120
But also for the parent, that must be exhausting.
00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:32.080
Exhausting, absolutely.
00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:33.759
You have no time for yourself anymore.
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:35.520
You're just constantly like, okay, what's going on?
00:03:35.599 --> 00:03:39.599
Like, if you're constantly on like redlining, you're just you're you're gonna be cooked.
00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:42.560
So it's like it's it's so stressful.
00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:51.520
Yeah, because you can't you don't have confidence in your child if you don't uh most likely you don't have confidence in yourself, therefore you don't have confidence in yourself.
00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:55.919
But that's one that's one of the key issues, how to install confidence in your child.
00:03:56.080 --> 00:04:00.159
You know, you have to be confident that he actually can do a certain task.
00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:08.080
So is it it again like most of these things that we find out, it's usually has nothing to do with the kids, it usually has everything to do with the parents.
00:04:08.319 --> 00:04:10.240
Okay, yeah, that's why it's called parenting tools.
00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:17.040
You know, I mean, it's like I mean it basically where it comes from, it's like the kids are your equals.
00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:21.040
They're not less because they're small, they're equal people.
00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:30.000
They're you know, and and you it's like if you have a soccer team again, you know, and nobody in your team knows how to play soccer, they're all equal people.
00:04:30.319 --> 00:04:33.199
Yet you except for the ones who suck, you keep them on the bench.
00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:34.639
Just don't play those kids.
00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:40.160
Yet you have to to train them, you have to guide them to become soccer players.
00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:42.560
Okay, so let's the same thing with parents.
00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:46.079
You know, we that the your your kid is is your equal.
00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:54.000
Okay, so on that note, let's go back to this Reddit story and see uh so what let's give her a name so it's easier for the audience.
00:04:54.160 --> 00:04:55.120
I'm thinking Sarah.
00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:55.439
Okay.
00:04:55.839 --> 00:04:57.199
So Sarah has what does she have again?
00:04:57.279 --> 00:04:58.079
A five and an eight-year-old?
00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:01.600
Five and uh she has an eight and a five-year-old.
00:05:01.839 --> 00:05:02.480
Eight and a five-year-old.
00:05:02.560 --> 00:05:03.439
Or a nine-year-old even, yeah.
00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:07.199
Okay, so old enough to be taking a shower by yourself.
00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:16.560
If Sarah was here and you were talking directly to her, uh, the shower thing is the first thing that pops out as being really strange.
00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:18.240
Like, what is that?
00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:19.439
Yeah, taking a bath.
00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:20.480
It's not even a shower thing.
00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:23.759
Taking a bath, I mean, she thinks he's gonna drown or what?
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:27.120
I mean, it's just the the the uncertainty in that parent.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:30.959
I I think I would address that and say, look, you're not doing your kid a favor.
00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:41.680
You actually uh uh do the opposite of enhancing his lives you you you taking him back, he won't be able to trust himself to do things.
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.720
You have to to enable your children to make mistakes, to mess up.
00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:49.120
He won't drown, he's smart enough, you know.
00:05:49.360 --> 00:06:00.639
It's more like you know, this this kid is my grandson, and he's he's really cool, but he has he's used to be um corrected a lot.
00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:19.199
Okay, and we took him to a trip when we were there on vacation, and we took the metro, and uh, you could tell, I mean, he started with like hanging on the bar and just doing all these things that he probably usually does to get the attention where the parents say, Don't do that, don't do that, you know.
00:06:19.360 --> 00:06:26.560
And I just let him because you know I'm I'm gonna again I like to just choose my battles, wasn't worth the battle.
00:06:26.639 --> 00:06:28.079
So I was like, Who wants to do that?
00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.399
It doesn't bother me, so yeah, just keep on doing it.
00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:32.879
So finally he sat on the floor in the metro.
00:06:32.959 --> 00:06:34.000
It's pretty gross, right?
00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:37.360
Had his hands on the floor, was sitting there and just testing.
00:06:37.600 --> 00:06:40.399
And I said, Huh, interesting, you know.
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:43.439
If it were me, I wouldn't sit on that floor.
00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:44.079
You know why?
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:52.879
Because people come in here with their dirty shoes, they maybe stood in some poop, and they walk in here, and then if you sit on the floor, you get the poop all over you.
00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:54.639
Man, he was up in a second.
00:06:57.120 --> 00:07:00.720
It wasn't me saying don't do that, he would have resisted.
00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:04.560
I told him, like, hey, this is another option.
00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:05.920
Look at it from this point.
00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:09.360
What you decide to do, and it was his decision to get up.
00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:12.319
If I would have said, um Mateo, get up.
00:07:12.399 --> 00:07:13.040
This is dirty.
00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:15.360
It would have been like a fight because he wants that.
00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:21.360
He wanted to get the attention because I gave him the choice to make his own decision because he's a smart kid.
00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:25.439
He made the right decision without me being involved.
00:07:25.600 --> 00:07:31.279
So that's the opposite of helicoptering and still getting him to do what you want to do.
00:07:31.519 --> 00:07:38.560
Okay, so in the context of helicopter parents, that's you still watching over them, but not like stopping him like a helicopter parent.
00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:39.759
I'm like, no, no, no, the floor is dirty.
00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:40.639
Like, no, no, no, don't do this.
00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:41.600
Like, no, no, no, don't do that.
00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:47.600
Like, they would have just automatically stopped them rather than them like letting them go through the motions because they're not hurting themselves.
00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:49.920
They're just gonna find out like the floor's probably got shit on it.
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:52.319
Like, and if they do hurt themselves, then you go in, of course.
00:07:52.399 --> 00:07:54.959
Yeah, then then they're not making a smart decision.
00:07:55.040 --> 00:08:03.199
But also, like, if he wants to do climb up somewhere where he can maybe fall a little bit, let him try it out too, you know, as long as it's not dangerous.
00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:10.639
Oh, I have a great like it's it it's the saying goes, you shouldn't stop kids from doing dangerous things carefully.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:19.199
Yeah, like it's like you should let them do things if they're like being careful, and if they fall a little, then like because I can see that being really bad.
00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:23.519
If you constantly catch your kid before they fall, they think that they're always gonna be caught when they fall.
00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:29.680
And like and they're not trusting themselves, they have no confidence in themselves, and confidence is key in life.
00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:34.639
You have to be confident, you have to let them make mistakes, you have to have them fall over.
00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:37.200
You know, I mean, it's like kids falls over, that's great.
00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:39.120
They'll learn not to run that fast.
00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:42.320
Or if if they never fall over, they don't know how fast they can run.
00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.840
It's you you it's their life.
00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:48.480
You're only there to coach them when necessary.
00:08:48.559 --> 00:08:51.440
Don't step in all the time, let them have some freedom.
00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:53.840
But also, I mean, uh, yeah, keep them safe.
00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:54.799
You know, that's the main thing.
00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:58.559
You don't leave leave your kid and your four-year-old in the bathtub without supervision.
00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:01.039
Sarah's Sarah's kid is eight.
00:09:01.200 --> 00:09:01.360
Yeah.
00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:02.639
So Sarah's kid is eight.
00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:06.080
So it's very and he wants to bathe by himself, he wants to shower by himself.
00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:07.840
Absolutely understandable.
00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:10.159
It's like let him give him some privacy.
00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:12.399
Yeah, give him some privacy, but not there.
00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:13.679
Also, everywhere.
00:09:13.919 --> 00:09:18.399
Take away, like instead of going helicopter um sorry.
00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:22.720
Helicopter parents control every move.
00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:26.159
And it's stressful for them, it's stressful for the kids.
00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:29.679
Just my recommendation: choose your battle.
00:09:29.840 --> 00:09:32.080
Okay, you know, and let the other stuff slide.
00:09:32.159 --> 00:09:33.679
So, what if he hangs on the bar?
00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:35.039
So, what if he tries to pull?
00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:37.039
If he can't pull the attention, he's gonna stop.
00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:38.399
Okay, but then let's go back to Sarah.
00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:40.559
Yeah, because Sarah's kids are not trying to pull attention.
00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:44.320
The problem is very clearly with Sarah being a helicopter parent.
00:09:44.879 --> 00:09:48.720
So, what advice would you give Sarah?
00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:51.200
Because it's not, you know, the kid's not trying to get attention.
00:09:51.279 --> 00:09:53.039
The kid literally just wants to go shower by themselves.
00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:55.360
Like the little girl wants to go on her field trip.
00:09:55.519 --> 00:09:58.240
Like, yes, it it it you do have to be careful with your kids.
00:09:58.320 --> 00:09:59.120
You have to keep them safe.
00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:00.960
Obviously, that's paramount above everything else.
00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:01.440
Yeah, of course.
00:10:01.679 --> 00:10:04.799
We're gonna take that as an asterisk on everything that's said here.
00:10:05.039 --> 00:10:10.240
But what would you tell Sarah to say, like, okay, like what do you do?
00:10:10.799 --> 00:10:14.000
You have to start to to to change the way you parent.
00:10:14.559 --> 00:10:20.399
I think in a case like that where it's so severe, it I probably would recommend to get some outside help.
00:10:21.039 --> 00:10:21.519
Like what?
00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:23.279
Like see a therapist.
00:10:23.519 --> 00:10:24.080
Oh, therapy.
00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:24.399
Yeah.
00:10:24.559 --> 00:10:24.799
Okay.
00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:27.519
Because just so for your kids safe.
00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:34.559
Because it's it's it's at at the at the at the severity where you can't just change it.
00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:37.440
I think simply you you could you can start.
00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:43.039
I my my recommendation would say okay, start with only controlling three things a day, and that's it.
00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:44.799
Everything else you let slide.
00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:49.600
Three major things you get to control, and everything else it's up to the kids.
00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:51.840
That would be almost impossible for this mom.
00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:53.279
But what do you mean, like three things?
00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:54.720
Like, can you give examples?
00:10:55.200 --> 00:11:02.960
Well, like they can take a bath by themselves, but she still can check his homework and do his homework with him.
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:10.480
Um, she still can see when they're eating that they're eating all their food or whatever, you know.
00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:10.720
Yeah.
00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:14.639
And she still is in charge of when they go to bed.
00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:16.559
Those three things she still can do.
00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:19.200
Everything else, she has to give up.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:20.720
Try it.
00:11:20.960 --> 00:11:21.679
See what it does.
00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:29.200
But you would say for someone who's this level of like can't even let them like first of all, you need to go talk to a therapist and see why you can't help.
00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:30.960
Yeah, why you can't let that go.
00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:32.000
Because it's insecurity.
00:11:32.240 --> 00:11:35.679
It's c it's insecurity, but what it does, it makes your children insecure.
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:40.240
They're gonna be so insecure they can't do anything themselves because everything is controlled.
00:11:40.399 --> 00:11:43.200
So it's really, I mean, this isn't an extreme example.
00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:50.639
There is lots, there is like a lot of people just overdo it a little bit with being over the kids, whenever you know, controlling them.
00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:59.519
But the more you have to be aware that they're equals, they're they can take responsibility, they can do certain things.
00:11:59.919 --> 00:12:01.279
But you keep saying that they're equals.
00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:02.000
What do you mean?
00:12:02.080 --> 00:12:13.759
Like that they're not uh some people think they have to do everything for them because they're not capable, they're not like equals, they're better than them, which is also an inferior inferiority thing.
00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:16.240
So if you're better, you have to check all the time.
00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:21.840
If you were the same, you could also trust that they actually are capable of doing certain things.
00:12:22.399 --> 00:12:25.200
You know, even if they run too fast and fall lower.
00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:27.440
Oh, that's a good learning experience.
00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:27.840
Right.
00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:29.200
You know that speed they fall.
00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:35.279
Yeah.
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:43.600
And then go in where you can coach them, but coach as equal, not because I'm so good and I have to control you so you don't get hurt.
00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:44.000
Right.
00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:47.360
You know, yes, you're but you it's not controlled.
00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:58.559
I mean you're sure you should make sure that they don't get hurt, but it's not by controlling, it's by coaching, which is very different because a coach, a coach is an equal, you know.
00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:10.720
Well, no, coach is like, I know more than you, so you should listen to me, but the coach is not gonna do like my I used to play baseball for a long time, and my coach would always say, like, trust me, we wish we could get on the field and play for you guys, but we can't.
00:13:10.799 --> 00:13:10.960
Yeah.
00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:15.759
So we just have to show you exactly what's no more, but you're still equal as persons.
00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:20.879
You know, you're still you're not better because he's the coach and you're the you're the you're learning the game.
00:13:21.039 --> 00:13:23.200
Well, I hope he's better because he needs to know the game better than that.
00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:30.639
No, but like, yeah, that's like it's I'm I'm just talking about confidence.
00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:37.120
If I if somebody's always better than me, then I'm inferior and it's gonna hit on my confidence.
00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:39.519
Oh, so you're talking about the perspective from a kid.
00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:47.519
Like if you see that you're always the inferior of the two, then you're gonna be in like as as a parent, we're equals, but I'm in charge because I have more experience.
00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:48.879
I know things you don't know yet.
00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:50.240
Yeah, so I have to coach you.
00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:52.080
So that's where Sarah's coming from, right?
00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:55.519
She's like, I I know what to do, you're my responsibility, these are my kids.
00:13:55.600 --> 00:13:56.799
I want to make sure that they're safe.
00:13:57.120 --> 00:13:59.679
But she's coming from a controlling, not from an equal position.
00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:01.120
Well, controlling in fear, right?
00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:02.080
Yeah, fear.
00:14:02.159 --> 00:14:02.480
Yeah, yeah.
00:14:03.360 --> 00:14:05.919
It's like she's not secure probably in herself.
00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:14.480
Therefore, you know, she wants to do it such, she wants to do such a good job, and they're so worried that she's doing something wrong, that she's doing everything wrong.
00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:18.000
Not everything, but a lot of things wrong, you know.
00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:24.879
I mean, she just she just crunches those kids so they can't experience life and they have no freedom.
00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:28.320
So handicapped the parents take the freedom away of their kids.
00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:33.440
So let's say Sarah has gone to therapy.
00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.399
She realizes that this is an issue with her, not with her children.
00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:37.120
She probably knows it.
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:38.799
The way she wrote that post, it sounds like she knows it.
00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:39.919
She's very aware.
00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:40.480
Yeah.
00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:42.000
Which is great.
00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:42.799
That's the first step.
00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:44.000
First step of self-awareness.
00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:46.799
People are not aware, and then you know, it's even worse.
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:48.000
But this is already good.
00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:51.440
So let's say she's gotten the therapy that she needs.
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:53.679
Okay, she's now accepting of all of this.
00:14:53.840 --> 00:15:00.639
You are now sitting across from Sarah, and she says, Okay, I don't let them bathe by themselves, I don't let them go on trips.
00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:02.639
Um, I make sure that I check their calendar.
00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:05.279
I check them when they sleep three, four or five times a night.
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:06.720
That's why I don't sleep very well.
00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:08.240
Where do I start?
00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:09.679
What do I do?
00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:12.399
If I were Sarah, I went to therapy.
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:14.559
I know now that I No, no, you're not Sarah.
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:16.159
You are the coach of Sarah.
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:18.720
So Sarah's the coach of the kids, you the coach of Sarah.
00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:19.759
You tell Sarah what's up.
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:21.120
I would tell Sarah, okay.
00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:23.120
First thing you do, you sit with your kids.
00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:24.320
They're five and eight.
00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:25.759
You can have a talk with them.
00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:32.720
And you go through and you say, Look, I've noticed that my parenting style has been like very much controlling.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:37.840
And I do want to change, but I need to have you guys' assistance.
00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:40.799
You need to assist me so we can change together.
00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:44.480
Because I want to change things, and it may be not gonna be easy.
00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:53.679
But I want you on my side, I want to give you guys more freedom to experience more what's going on around you and not be in charge of everything.
00:15:54.000 --> 00:16:03.039
So please, you know, I want to start with like for the eight-year-old, for you, I'm perfectly fine if you want to bathe yourself or shower yourself.
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:06.960
I just want you to make sure that you're safe.
00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:17.759
You know, I may stand in front of the door for the first week or two, and if that's okay, please, you know, just understand myself, you know, I'm a little anxious that something is going wrong.
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:21.279
So just hang with me through this period.
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:26.960
Okay, because they're on your side, they want you to be happy, they want you to work with you, you know.
00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:30.240
So I think the eight-year-old would say, Yeah, great, of course.
00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:33.279
Yeah, you can stay in front of the door, I tell you when I'm ready.
00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:42.879
And you know, I mean, there's this other story on Reddit too, where the eight-year-old or the kid finally took a shower by himself and then it yells for that, that towel now.
00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:47.039
It's like, you know, man, if they can shower by themselves, you don't have to go get them the towel either.
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:50.399
You know, they're old enough to shower, they can also get their own towel.
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:52.000
So, yeah, yeah.
00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:57.440
So have him shower and take his own towel, come out of the bathroom, high five.
00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:01.200
And you do that for a week until you see, yes, I actually can trust him.
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:02.480
He's great taking showers.
00:17:02.559 --> 00:17:05.359
And for the kid, it's like, whoo, finally, I have a break.
00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:06.799
I can take my own showers.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:08.880
Is that gonna be a break for the kids?
00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:15.200
Because I've seen helicopter parents and I see how the kids are, they're very like we've discussed it before.
00:17:15.359 --> 00:17:17.599
Kids are smart and like they want the parents' attention.
00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:23.680
And so, usually, if you have a helicopter parent, that doesn't usually constitute for kids who are used to doing things by themselves.
00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:27.440
And if they don't get things done for them, then they have a fit.
00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:30.160
No, not if you have because that's why you have to talk.
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:34.240
Yes, because you bring them on your side and they say, I have a problem with this.
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:36.319
Yes, but I'm gonna challenge that.
00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:39.119
That talk will do good in that little that space.
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:42.720
Yeah, but then afterwards, when it comes to executing the action, I don't agree.
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:52.960
I think that when you go to that second part where mom towel and you say you can get your towel, that's a or I want to stand outside the door, it's like no, and then that comes a fight.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:18:00.079
Like, I know I'm looking at this from the worst angle, but I always want to do that to see like parents who are gonna go through that because they're already having a tough time with their self-confidence.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:03.200
Now it's like, I don't think that that's going to be that easy.
00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:04.319
What do you think?
00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:10.000
I think maybe you have to expand the talk a little bit and say, look, we're gonna do it like that.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:14.720
You're gonna go in the bathroom, you're gonna have a shower, you're gonna dry yourself off.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.279
I'm gonna be outside the door, I'm not gonna intervene.
00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:19.839
It's gonna be your time, and you can do it on your time.
00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:22.160
But do you only have 20 minutes?
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:23.599
And after 20 minutes, you have to be done.
00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:25.359
It's a long shower for a kid.
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:31.200
And then you come out, and you know, if you don't hold to that time, then I can come in.
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:38.480
That's uh yeah, I I think and I think it's like then because you give the kid responsibility, they love responsibility, you know.
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:47.759
It's it's not that they don't want it, but if they see, okay, it's a challenge from my mom, she's gonna give me 20 minutes, I better do this right because I want to shower by myself.
00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:49.440
And he's not gonna challenge her.
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:52.400
Maybe he says, Yeah, I don't want you to stand in front of the door.
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.480
I can say, I completely understand.
00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:59.039
Let me do it for just one week, and after a week, I won't have to do it anymore.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:18:59.920
Can you live with that?
00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:01.680
And if it says no, you say, Too bad.
00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:02.799
Yeah, he says too bad.
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:04.160
I have to do it.
00:19:04.240 --> 00:19:06.640
I'm really something, something's gotta like, I gotta do it.
00:19:06.880 --> 00:19:11.279
But I think he'll he'll it's like kids are really on your side.
00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:12.319
Yes, yes, yes.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:13.920
I'm not, and but I'm not arguing that.
00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:21.200
I think we've seen it though, you know, like they want to have your attention if that's what they're used to, and they're gonna get it in the way that they get it.
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:27.599
And if it's used to you being a helicopter parent and they know that you're insecure about that, they love you, but they're gonna push that button.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:30.640
And so I guess that's where the other parenting tools come in.
00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:34.319
You have the conversation and then you go through and you have consequences and whatnot.
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:38.480
Um consequences in a I mean, yeah, that's that's that's the other thing.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:41.279
It's just what you have to change is the thinking.
00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:46.240
It's like you have a capable being human being who doesn't know everything yet, right?
00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:49.039
So you have to coach him, you don't have to crush them.
00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:52.559
Yeah, coach don't crush, coach don't crush.
00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:58.400
And a coach is like you you want to bring him up so he can make mistakes, he can mess up.
00:19:58.480 --> 00:19:58.880
It's okay.
00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:09.359
That's why consequence in advance are so good because the kid is choosing, he's either choosing the behavior that works or the consequence that you guys picked that work for you too.
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:13.279
And he picks, and you should be completely happy with either one.
00:20:13.440 --> 00:20:18.240
You know, if he picked the consequence, all you know is like consequence wasn't strong enough.
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:22.640
So we you re-revisit the whole thing and you pick a bit of consequence.
00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:23.440
Okay.
00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:24.240
Okay.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:35.599
So to wrap up for Sarah, um, can we give her a step-by-step, play-by-play, what she should try to do in order to fix her, or not fix her, just help her situation, right?
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:40.240
To change the dynamics so she can have a little a less stressful helicopter style parenting.
00:20:40.400 --> 00:20:42.160
Um, yeah, what are the steps?
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:53.920
The steps are therapy, sitting down with the kids, have a talk, explain where you're coming from, how you're anxious about them getting hurt, and therefore you're over overprotective, and you want to change that.
00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:57.680
And it may take some time, and you need you need their cooperation.
00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:05.119
And then in order to do that, you're gonna start with putting some uh boundaries into place because that's the first thing.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:08.079
She doesn't have boundaries, she or she has only boundaries.
00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:11.440
Yeah, it sounds like only boundaries, and like none of them get executed on it.
00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:22.799
So this time we do boundaries, but we do the boundaries with consequences agreed up in events, and we sit and we look at that, and within those boundaries, I want to let you have freedom.
00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:27.119
Okay, and I would sit with her and pick those boundaries, you know.
00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:31.519
I mean, I it depends on on their lifestyle a little bit, what they can pick.
00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:33.200
But that would be the first step.
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:37.359
Consequences with boundaries, consequences agreed up in advance.
00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:37.839
Okay.
00:21:38.160 --> 00:21:39.759
Now, last thing, I want to try something different.
00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:48.640
I want you to look straight down into camera one and pretend that you're talking to all the helicopter parents out there, and you can give them one message before we sign off.
00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:49.200
What is it?
00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:52.960
It doesn't have to be anything just like whatever you want to say to those parents who are helicoptering.
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:57.519
Well, helicopter parents, I understand where you're coming from.
00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:05.519
Uh, give your kid a little bit more trust, let them do things, let them make mistakes so they'll learn how to be confident human beings.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:10.240
It's you're doing your kid a great service if they can make mistakes.
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:11.839
And that's it.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:13.119
Parenting tools.
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:14.240
Thanks for watching.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:15.599
Thanks for listening.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:17.279
Thank you very much.
00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:21.599
One thing for certain it's rule number one.
