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Hello.
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Hello.
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Welcome to mindset two results.
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Have you ever thought I know exactly why I do
this?
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So why I do keep doing this?
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My guest today, Megan Dupuy, believes the
missing piece may be not just knowledge or more
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healing work, but safety.
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Today, we are exploring how childhood survival
patterns follow us into adulthood and what it
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takes to finally begin changing them.
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Hi, Megan.
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Welcome to Mindset to Results.
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Hi, Alina.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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I'm really excited to be here today.
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Yeah.
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You're most welcome.
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Before we start our interview, I usually have
this, habit to ask our guests what makes them
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so passionate to be podcast guests and be on
our show today?
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Because there could be so many things to do,
but you choose to share with the world your
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experience, your life, your patience.
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So what is that behind?
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I really want women to experience clarity and
healing, however that looks in their life.
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And I I think that when...
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Like, we...
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Especially women who are, like, in their
forties and and up and even the late thirties,
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we spent our whole lives kind of in a box that
necessarily wasn't our box, but the box that
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was put on us as children.
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And then you start, like, hitting
perimenopause, and you realize that that box
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doesn't fit.
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And...
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But what do you do?
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How...
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Who are you?
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Like, you've lost yourself.
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So it's it's helping.
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I...
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Like, I really have a passion for helping women
evolve into their next chapter, evolve their
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soul so that they can really bring in what
they're craving in life and the things that
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align most with them.
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Yeah.
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That is very important.
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So, Megan, someone can spend years in therapy,
read dozens of self help books, and understand
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exactly where their patterns came from, yet
still repeat them.
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So the question is this.
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Why isn't awareness alone enough to create
lasting change?
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So my theory is that it's not enough to create
lasting changes because you don't feel safe
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enough to actually make the changes.
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So you see, okay.
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I have to do this and this.
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But if you don't feel safe to make the change,
it's never going to to happen.
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And when your inner child doesn't feel safe,
you're still reacting from the points of, like,
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childhood, like, how you would emotionally
react as a child.
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That that still comes out whether we see it or
not.
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These patterns are still there.
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And even if you look at it, it's like, yeah, I
can see why I do it, but I just...
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I I don't know how to change it or I don't feel
safe enough to change it because who would I be
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if I wasn't doing these things?
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And what is one sign that tells someone, I
understand my pattern intellectually, but I
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haven't actually changed it yet?
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Feel like one sign is that you you know what
you have to do, and you just aren't doing it.
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Like, you know that you have to change it, and
you're just kind of not making an effort to do
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it.
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And that's an okay place to be.
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I feel like half of this battle is
acknowledging where you are, and there's no
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shame of being where you are.
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And if you're in that space where I need to do
this...
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So if, say, you need to stop drinking or
smoking or something.
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Right?
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I know I gotta do it.
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I'm just not there yet, and that's okay.
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But you are gonna know.
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I...
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That you're gonna know I need to change
something and just haven't made that leap yet.
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Yeah.
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So let's speak about this
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that, the pattern we don't realize, we are
repeating.
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And because most of our behavior is
subconscious.
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Yes.
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And if we don't realize, we just have
unconsciously will repeat the same.
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So you teach that childhood survival patterns
can continue running our adult lives.
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What are some of the most common ways these
patterns show up in relationships, business,
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boundaries, or the way we treat ourselves?
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So some of the ways that these will show up
are, you know, people pleasing, self
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abandonment, avoidance, addiction.
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These are, like, all, like, some of the the
common ones is that you are, even, like, high
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achieving.
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Like, you have to be the best at everything.
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These are some of, like, the the core
foundation.
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There are more, but these are some, like, the
core p...
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Ones that I see people have the most,
especially the people pleasing and the lack of
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boundaries because as a child, you've been
taught you needed to behave a certain way to
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receive love.
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And so whether it's avoidance, whether it's,
you know, anxious attachment, you've been
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programmed that certain way.
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And if it's not coming in that way, then you
don't know what to do.
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So you tend to bring in relationships whether
they're platonic, they're work relationships,
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they're romantic relationships that are gonna
mirror back to you, that it's...
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So if you are...
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You...
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You're someone who chases love and love is
hard, it's going to be hard for you to pull in
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partners who are secure because if you don't
have to chase it, you're like, oh, that's too
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easy.
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They they can't possibly love me.
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So that's, like, a good example of of that.
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Yeah.
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Thank you.
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And can you give us, another example of an
adult behavior that looks completely normal on
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the surface but may actually been an old
survival response?
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So the boundaries is huge.
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It's saying yes when you mean no, not being
able to tell someone.
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And it could be a simple thing like, I don't
wanna go someplace, but you feel an obligation
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or you feel I have to include somebody even
though, like, you might not want to, but
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you've...
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Like, that's an example is boundary setting,
just not being able to stand up for yourself
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for simple things and, of course, for more
difficult things, telling people, you don't
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like the way someone's treating you.
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But it also is just simple things like, do
you...
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What restaurant do you wanna go to?
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I don't know.
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Whatever you want.
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That...
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I mean, that's a simple thing that sometimes
you don't even think about because you're just
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trying to constantly make that other person
happy or trying to please.
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That...
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That's a simple one.
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So when the person answers like this, like,
whatever you think, like, whatever you choose,
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so what it speaks?
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Like, what it tells us about the person?
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Like, what is going be...
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Behind this answer?
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So oftentimes when people are responding of,
well, whatever you want, it's...
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They are afraid to tell you what they want
because they want you to have that admiration
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from you.
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They want...
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So if it's a romantic relationship, they want
you to love them.
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And they feel that if I don't do this, I won't
be liked or loved, and I need to be liked or
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loved by this person.
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And that...
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I mean, it can be for a friendship.
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It can be in work.
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Like, oh, if I if I speak up, I'm I'm becoming
difficult.
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And you're really not becoming difficult.
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You're...
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As long as you're saying whatever you need to
say in a respectful way, it's okay.
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But people who are kind of on that boat...
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You know, I'm guilty of it too.
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I, yeah, I would just allow p...
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Like, go along with what everyone else wanted
because I didn't wanna be the only person being
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like, oh, no.
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No.
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Like, I...
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No.
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I don't like that.
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I don't wanna do it.
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It's...
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It was just to kind of make sure, oh, I'm still
liked.
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I'm still loved.
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The status quo is still good.
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Yes.
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And it also can show the low self esteem of the
person.
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It's because he, like, neglecting his own
wishes.
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And maybe he didn't or she even didn't learn or
used to think about what she wants or what he
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wants is because since childhood, we were
taught what to want.
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Right?
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Because, like
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Yeah.
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We really wanted.
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We could hear that, oh, no.
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This is not for you what you're thinking about.
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Like, no.
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Forget about this.
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Like, this is what you have to want.
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Like like, parents, they were not asking us
what we really want.
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But I noticed that many parents, they, like,
put their own will on children, and they make
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them
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want what they want.
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Like, even if child says no, they don't accept
it as no.
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They start, like, trying to change the child's
mind.
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Or why you don't want look like this, this and
this.
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See, this is good.
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Yes.
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So they try to put their opinion on children.
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And if it is repeated pattern, this is how
children just...
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Okay.
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They want to be good for parents.
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They love their parent.
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This is how they accept and say, okay.
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Let me accept what my parent want because I
don't want to, like, disappoint my mom.
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Right?
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And this is how it it creates the habit to put
yourself back.
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Right?
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And just start accepting what other people want
you to want.
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Right?
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And this pattern can go all...
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Like, through all life, and this is how it
reflects in relationships.
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But and also, like, the person thinks that by
pleasing someone and just accept what they
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want, like restaurant they want or dish or
what...
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Okay.
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What what you choose Yeah.
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What you want.
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I will choose the same.
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Right?
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So this is actually not serving them, right,
like this pattern because they will get tired.
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Like...
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Right?
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Because Yeah.
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Sometime you do this, two times.
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But later, you will start feeling like you're
you're not living for yourself.
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Right?
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Like, you...
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It start becoming boring.
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And Yeah.
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Absolutely.
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Start expecting you because you showed it,
like, from the beginning like that.
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Right?
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So they just expecting you that you will
continue.
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No.
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Absolutely.
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There is...
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Like, we are taught, and I I feel like like,
the way I'm raising my kids, I'm trying to
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raise them.
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Also, I feel...
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Comes into that is, like, a lot of parents,
they put their emotions on you, and so you
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weren't allowed to feel, which ties in with
what you were saying.
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Like, you weren't allowed just to feel.
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You had to, oh, why are you upset?
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I'm gonna give you something to cry about.
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But then the parents have an emotion, and they
often wanted you to regulate their emotions.
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And, it it all starts of this learning to self
abandon from a very young age.
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And so we learned, hey.
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If I if I make mommy or daddy or whoever your
caregiver is happy, then I'm a good girl.
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I'm a good boy.
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Like, I'm, like, I'm being good.
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So then we just carry it forward, and it does.
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It I think in the beginning of life, you're
okay.
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Yeah.
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And you just do it because it's a it's a
pattern you've developed, and you don't
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necessarily even recognize it because it's what
you've always done.
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And, well, I always do what everyone else
wants.
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And then you get to a point in your life where
you're like, I I don't wanna go to that
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restaurant.
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I don't wanna do whatever.
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And you start having to speak up, and it's
super uncomfortable when you do.
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But it it...
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It's because the voice inside is so much louder
now.
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It's like, no.
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00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,160
I can't just not say what I want anymore.
248
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,840
I have to start speaking.
249
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,200
Yes.
250
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:21,399
It is like relearning, like like learning the
new skill because it
251
00:12:21,399 --> 00:12:21,559
is
252
00:12:22,535 --> 00:12:23,815
it is uncomfortable.
253
00:12:23,894 --> 00:12:25,735
If you are if you are not you...
254
00:12:25,735 --> 00:12:32,934
Not used to tell what you want and to put you
as priority, if you were told that putting you
255
00:12:32,934 --> 00:12:35,735
as priority, it is being selfish.
256
00:12:35,815 --> 00:12:36,134
Right?
257
00:12:36,134 --> 00:12:36,375
But
258
00:12:36,535 --> 00:12:36,855
Yeah.
259
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:42,220
And if you think like, oh, if I start speaking,
I will be looked like selfish.
260
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:42,460
Yeah.
261
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:43,580
But I'm not selfish.
262
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:43,820
Yeah.
263
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:48,220
So this becomes like that inner inner dialogue,
which is like, where am I?
264
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,820
Like, when I am...
265
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:51,899
Can speak at all about my
266
00:12:52,884 --> 00:12:53,764
It's very true.
267
00:12:53,764 --> 00:12:56,644
It's because we've been taught not to have the
needs.
268
00:12:56,884 --> 00:12:58,485
You can't need something.
269
00:12:58,485 --> 00:12:59,605
Why would you need something?
270
00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:02,245
I've given you everything you could possibly
want.
271
00:13:02,245 --> 00:13:03,204
Why do you need?
272
00:13:03,204 --> 00:13:06,004
And so we silence the, oh, I don't need
anything.
273
00:13:06,004 --> 00:13:06,325
I'm good.
274
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:07,389
I don't need...
275
00:13:07,389 --> 00:13:13,870
And that when you start to speak up about it,
it is scary because you don't feel safe.
276
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:15,309
You don't...
277
00:13:15,309 --> 00:13:19,870
Like, you've been taught that if you stay
quiet, that is safe.
278
00:13:20,504 --> 00:13:27,144
And so when you're, like, starting to speak up,
that feels very unsafe because oftentimes, the
279
00:13:27,144 --> 00:13:31,545
people around you are used to, like you said,
you behaving in that certain way.
280
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:36,680
And when you don't behave that way, they react
in a non favor...
281
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,399
Oftentimes, they don't react in a favor.
282
00:13:39,399 --> 00:13:40,600
Well, why are being difficult?
283
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,720
And it's coming to that conclusion.
284
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:44,600
And I...
285
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,875
And it's after you've done work where it's, I'm
allowed to have my wants and needs.
286
00:13:48,875 --> 00:13:53,434
Again, it comes down to if somebody really
loves me, they're...
287
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:59,850
As long as I'm being respectful in how I'm
delivering my wants and needs, if they can't
288
00:13:59,850 --> 00:14:03,690
see that I can have them, those aren't
necessarily someone I want in my life, and
289
00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:07,690
that's okay because you want people in your
life who want you to have wants and needs.
290
00:14:08,169 --> 00:14:12,409
And, like, I'm not saying that every time you
have to go against the grain, they've...
291
00:14:12,409 --> 00:14:12,809
You know?
292
00:14:12,809 --> 00:14:14,169
Like, I tell my kids this too.
293
00:14:14,169 --> 00:14:14,570
It's like...
294
00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:19,664
It's okay to, like, want what you want, but
sometimes in a group, you you have to be...
295
00:14:19,664 --> 00:14:22,944
If everyone's going to one restaurant and
you're like, I don't want it, sometimes you
296
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:23,745
have to be like, okay.
297
00:14:23,745 --> 00:14:24,464
I'll go.
298
00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:29,600
But it's picking when it's time to voice what
you want and what you need.
299
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:30,240
You know?
300
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,240
What's really important to you.
301
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:34,080
Yes.
302
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:34,480
Yes.
303
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:35,440
Definitely.
304
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,200
And, yeah.
305
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,759
So it is, again, about awareness.
306
00:14:39,855 --> 00:14:46,414
It's because people can live and carry this and
think that they have to be that person who just
307
00:14:46,414 --> 00:14:50,975
accepts everyone's opinion or who even cannot
decide.
308
00:14:51,294 --> 00:14:56,539
Like, every time it come to decide something,
he ask everybody else, what should I do?
309
00:14:56,940 --> 00:15:00,459
Because he never used to make decision.
310
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:04,860
Parents did decisions what to wear, what to
eat, where to go, to whom to be friends.
311
00:15:05,325 --> 00:15:07,245
And this is how they didn't practice.
312
00:15:07,245 --> 00:15:10,445
And then they come in with this, like, what
should I do?
313
00:15:10,445 --> 00:15:13,085
They cannot make decision even for small
things.
314
00:15:13,644 --> 00:15:13,804
Yeah.
315
00:15:13,804 --> 00:15:14,684
So And that all...
316
00:15:14,684 --> 00:15:15,165
I'm sorry.
317
00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:15,485
Go ahead.
318
00:15:15,485 --> 00:15:16,125
I'm sorry.
319
00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:16,365
Yeah.
320
00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:16,684
Yeah.
321
00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:16,924
Yeah.
322
00:15:16,924 --> 00:15:17,485
You go ahead.
323
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:20,500
And, no, but that also comes down to not
feeling safe.
324
00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:23,059
Like, you don't feel safe in your body.
325
00:15:23,059 --> 00:15:27,379
You don't feel safe in yourself, which breaks
down to, like, that inner child.
326
00:15:27,379 --> 00:15:27,620
Right?
327
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:32,899
The inner child is not feeling safe to make the
simple of decisions of do I like green or blue?
328
00:15:33,684 --> 00:15:34,565
And I'm...
329
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:36,644
Like, and there's nothing wrong in being in
that situation.
330
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:39,605
And I feel like your experiences also are gonna
shape that.
331
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:46,919
So if you have, grown up, like, to everyone
else, you're often gonna be brought into
332
00:15:46,919 --> 00:15:54,120
relationships where you are meant to just
listen and go to what everyone else thinks and
333
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,240
that when you speak up, well, I like this.
334
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,199
And, no, you don't.
335
00:15:58,199 --> 00:15:58,600
Right?
336
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,279
So you're gonna keep...
337
00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:02,184
You're gonna pull in marriages.
338
00:16:02,184 --> 00:16:06,585
You're gonna pull in friendships that are gonna
tell you how to live your life and not...
339
00:16:06,585 --> 00:16:10,105
And you never build up that self trust of, no.
340
00:16:10,105 --> 00:16:11,144
This is what I want.
341
00:16:11,785 --> 00:16:13,865
And it can be big or small.
342
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:14,504
It can...
343
00:16:14,504 --> 00:16:16,024
Like like, it'd be the favorite color.
344
00:16:16,024 --> 00:16:16,184
But...
345
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:23,320
And I also think, you know, depending on, like,
the traumas that you've received, there are
346
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:23,639
points...
347
00:16:23,639 --> 00:16:24,519
Like, if you've had...
348
00:16:24,519 --> 00:16:29,080
If you've been in a narcissistic relationship
with someone, you aren't gonna be able to make
349
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,804
easy decisions about things.
350
00:16:32,804 --> 00:16:38,085
Like, I've had clients where they got out of
narcissistic relationships, and they couldn't
351
00:16:38,085 --> 00:16:40,085
pick out a comforter for their home.
352
00:16:40,085 --> 00:16:42,884
Like, they had moved out of the relationship.
353
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:44,965
They're redecorating their own home.
354
00:16:45,450 --> 00:16:51,450
And because for years, they had not been able
to utilize what their wants and needs were,
355
00:16:51,529 --> 00:16:54,889
that they spent a month picking out a
comforter.
356
00:16:56,730 --> 00:16:59,129
And they still didn't like it, but they needed
a comforter.
357
00:16:59,129 --> 00:17:01,049
So they just bought whatever because they
just...
358
00:17:01,215 --> 00:17:02,014
I don't know if I...
359
00:17:02,014 --> 00:17:03,455
I don't know what I like anymore.
360
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:05,375
I don't I don't know what I need anymore.
361
00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:05,695
You know?
362
00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:10,974
You you get to that point where you just don't
know if you allow everyone to always tell you
363
00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:13,375
what it is that you want and need.
364
00:17:13,535 --> 00:17:15,109
And there's nothing wrong with being there.
365
00:17:15,109 --> 00:17:17,109
I never want anyone to feel like, oh, I'm here.
366
00:17:17,109 --> 00:17:17,669
This is a...
367
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,389
Like, it's okay to be where you are.
368
00:17:25,109 --> 00:17:26,230
Oh, I can't hear you.
369
00:17:27,934 --> 00:17:28,335
Yes.
370
00:17:28,335 --> 00:17:31,695
It's okay to be where you are, and it is always
way out.
371
00:17:31,695 --> 00:17:32,095
Yes.
372
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:32,654
Like Yeah.
373
00:17:32,654 --> 00:17:33,054
Absolutely.
374
00:17:33,535 --> 00:17:33,775
Yeah.
375
00:17:33,775 --> 00:17:34,894
As long as, like, if you're...
376
00:17:34,894 --> 00:17:35,615
If you say, hey.
377
00:17:35,615 --> 00:17:36,255
I'm here.
378
00:17:36,654 --> 00:17:40,815
And then you can start to, like, make the plans
to to change.
379
00:17:40,974 --> 00:17:41,295
Right?
380
00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:42,490
Yeah.
381
00:17:42,490 --> 00:17:44,329
This is all about awareness.
382
00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:48,890
Because if you know where you want to be, this
is very important to know where you are.
383
00:17:48,890 --> 00:17:49,130
Right?
384
00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:49,450
So you
385
00:17:49,450 --> 00:17:49,690
can
386
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:50,169
Yeah.
387
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:52,730
Bridge that gap between two dots.
388
00:17:52,890 --> 00:17:53,849
Absolutely.
389
00:17:54,089 --> 00:17:55,130
Don't know where you are.
390
00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:58,845
It is difficult, like, what you you have to do
if you don't know where you are.
391
00:17:58,845 --> 00:17:59,005
Right?
392
00:17:59,005 --> 00:18:00,284
What do you want to change?
393
00:18:00,444 --> 00:18:02,444
So this awareness comes first.
394
00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:09,150
And, of course, we grow in consciousness,
understanding, and we have access to right
395
00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:15,710
environment, this helps to, get the help to
move forward wherever we
396
00:18:15,789 --> 00:18:16,269
Yeah.
397
00:18:16,830 --> 00:18:17,150
No.
398
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:21,070
And I I really agree with that because, like, I
I actually tell my clients a lot.
399
00:18:21,070 --> 00:18:21,230
Like...
400
00:18:21,795 --> 00:18:23,234
And in my program, I...
401
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:23,634
I'm...
402
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:24,994
When you first start, it's...
403
00:18:24,994 --> 00:18:33,075
I I want you to write down where you are right
now and put it all down because you...
404
00:18:33,075 --> 00:18:37,234
It's a good marker so that you can look back
later and say, oh my god.
405
00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:41,440
I was here, and I'm in such a different place.
406
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,599
But it maps out, k.
407
00:18:43,599 --> 00:18:44,239
Where...
408
00:18:44,319 --> 00:18:44,639
What...
409
00:18:44,639 --> 00:18:45,119
Where do I...
410
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:49,679
And even if you can't see the path of how to
get where you wanna go, I feel like if you have
411
00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:57,214
that destination in mind, like, I wanna go
here, it will somehow finagle its way out, and
412
00:18:57,214 --> 00:18:58,414
you'll be able to get there.
413
00:18:58,414 --> 00:19:06,440
But it's the awareness of I'm not where I wanna
be and what are the small baby steps I can take
414
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,519
to accomplish that bigger goal?
415
00:19:09,079 --> 00:19:09,559
Yeah.
416
00:19:09,559 --> 00:19:15,079
Some situations may feel that you just are
there, and you can't move anywhere else.
417
00:19:15,079 --> 00:19:18,759
Like, sometimes when you're in that situation,
it feels like it is the end.
418
00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:20,924
Like, this is only life you can have.
419
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:25,484
But this is just a point from that situation,
from that angle.
420
00:19:25,644 --> 00:19:25,964
Is...
421
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:29,484
And there are a lot of different angles how to
look at things.
422
00:19:29,484 --> 00:19:34,444
Like, when time passes and then you can look
back and you can have totally different life.
423
00:19:34,579 --> 00:19:34,900
Right?
424
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,299
So knowing that it can be different.
425
00:19:37,299 --> 00:19:37,700
It...
426
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,380
Everything, like, passes.
427
00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:41,619
Like, this situation also can pass.
428
00:19:41,779 --> 00:19:48,019
But this is you will have just to make decision
really where you want to live, how you want to
429
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:50,259
live, what do you want your life to look like.
430
00:19:50,554 --> 00:19:51,035
Yes.
431
00:19:51,035 --> 00:19:54,954
And then when you understand that this is
important, what is important for you?
432
00:19:54,954 --> 00:19:56,075
Why is it important?
433
00:19:56,075 --> 00:19:56,315
Yes.
434
00:19:56,315 --> 00:20:04,315
Like, that why should be very strong in order
to make your compass to that direction.
435
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:05,819
No.
436
00:20:05,819 --> 00:20:06,460
Absolutely.
437
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:09,339
Like, you you have to have that why behind it.
438
00:20:09,339 --> 00:20:13,579
And even if, like, it...
439
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,059
Is ever stagnant.
440
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:17,740
Things are always changing.
441
00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,099
Things are always moving.
442
00:20:19,099 --> 00:20:22,414
And once that you say, okay.
443
00:20:22,414 --> 00:20:25,054
I don't like it now, but doesn't mean it's
always gonna be...
444
00:20:25,054 --> 00:20:28,255
Like you said, like, you can totally change
your life around.
445
00:20:28,255 --> 00:20:31,534
Like, my life is completely different from
where I was five years ago.
446
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,774
Like, night and day, two separate things.
447
00:20:34,730 --> 00:20:36,730
And at the time when I...
448
00:20:36,809 --> 00:20:38,250
So I left the marriage.
449
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:42,170
At the time when I was leaving my marriage, I
had...
450
00:20:42,170 --> 00:20:44,490
I couldn't have seen out of a paper bag.
451
00:20:44,490 --> 00:20:45,930
I didn't have clarity.
452
00:20:45,930 --> 00:20:46,809
I just...
453
00:20:47,369 --> 00:20:48,890
It was a difficult marriage.
454
00:20:48,890 --> 00:20:56,384
I lost a lot of myself in it, and, I didn't
know how I could get to the next steps.
455
00:20:56,384 --> 00:20:59,904
And little by little, it became clear.
456
00:20:59,904 --> 00:21:04,785
It didn't happen overnight, but but sometimes
you do wake up overnight, and you're like, I'm
457
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:06,224
in a totally different spot.
458
00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:11,820
And because you've been living it and when you
really take a look at that original spot of
459
00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:13,980
where you were when you were like, I want...
460
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:18,859
You realize I am the version of me that I was
praying to be.
461
00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:25,605
And that's, like, a big, like, oh, moment
because you you spend so much time wanting to
462
00:21:25,605 --> 00:21:29,605
be someone else, and then you go through what
you have to go through.
463
00:21:29,605 --> 00:21:30,325
And one day you do.
464
00:21:30,325 --> 00:21:32,164
You wake up, and you are that version.
465
00:21:32,164 --> 00:21:32,884
If you've make...
466
00:21:32,884 --> 00:21:37,219
If you make the steps to do so, you know, that
it is possible.
467
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:37,940
It doesn't...
468
00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:41,940
It's not a clear path, but it is possible to
become that version.
469
00:21:42,899 --> 00:21:43,379
Yeah.
470
00:21:43,379 --> 00:21:44,179
So true.
471
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:46,899
So let's speak about safety.
472
00:21:46,899 --> 00:21:47,459
Yes.
473
00:21:47,460 --> 00:21:49,059
Why safety comes first?
474
00:21:49,785 --> 00:21:56,744
You said that before rushing into shadow work
or deeper healing, we need to create safety for
475
00:21:56,744 --> 00:21:58,025
the inner child.
476
00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:02,105
What does safety actually mean in practical
terms?
477
00:22:02,429 --> 00:22:09,230
And how can someone know whether their nervous
system genuinely feels safe rather than simply
478
00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:11,789
telling themselves that they're safe?
479
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:15,309
So what I mean by safe...
480
00:22:15,309 --> 00:22:20,914
So why it's so important is because when you
start doing, like, a lot of deep healing work
481
00:22:20,914 --> 00:22:26,914
or your shadow work, you are accessing parts of
yourself, and you are in a sense retraumatizing
482
00:22:26,914 --> 00:22:32,989
yourself because you are allowing yourself to
relive things that happen to you.
483
00:22:33,710 --> 00:22:39,950
And if you don't feel safe, you are not able to
access that version because it doesn't feel
484
00:22:39,950 --> 00:22:40,509
safe.
485
00:22:40,509 --> 00:22:42,429
And so when you go into it...
486
00:22:42,509 --> 00:22:47,515
And I saw this a lot with clients where they
wanted to discover certain things about
487
00:22:47,515 --> 00:22:47,994
themselves.
488
00:22:47,994 --> 00:22:52,954
So we'd go into a hypnosis or we'd go into a
session, and they wouldn't be able to move
489
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:53,515
forward.
490
00:22:53,755 --> 00:22:56,474
And it was because they didn't have that
internal safety.
491
00:22:56,474 --> 00:22:58,394
Their inner child did not trust them.
492
00:22:58,634 --> 00:23:04,009
If you've spent your whole life telling
yourself that your wants and needs are wrong,
493
00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:11,210
when you want to start looking at your past
trauma, why would your inner child and yourself
494
00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:11,929
say, okay.
495
00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:12,650
I'm right here.
496
00:23:12,944 --> 00:23:13,744
It's okay.
497
00:23:13,744 --> 00:23:15,744
I'm safe to feel these things.
498
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:17,664
When your whole life, you've been like, no.
499
00:23:17,664 --> 00:23:18,065
You're not.
500
00:23:18,065 --> 00:23:18,784
You're not good.
501
00:23:18,784 --> 00:23:19,664
You're not safe.
502
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:20,944
You're not any of this.
503
00:23:21,424 --> 00:23:23,904
Your inner child is very much like a regular
child.
504
00:23:23,904 --> 00:23:25,505
And so I I...
505
00:23:25,505 --> 00:23:26,865
In my program and I...
506
00:23:26,865 --> 00:23:32,529
When I was doing one on ones, would teach my
clients, think of, like, your inner child as an
507
00:23:32,529 --> 00:23:33,890
actual child.
508
00:23:34,609 --> 00:23:40,849
If you were to approach a small child, you
wouldn't run up to them and try...
509
00:23:40,849 --> 00:23:42,154
Like, you would, hi.
510
00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:42,714
How are you?
511
00:23:42,714 --> 00:23:46,394
Like, you would gently try to, like, introduce
yourself.
512
00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:47,115
Like...
513
00:23:47,115 --> 00:23:48,554
And that's kind of what this is.
514
00:23:48,554 --> 00:23:55,034
It's building that trust so that you can
eventually look at those traumas and you know,
515
00:23:55,034 --> 00:23:55,514
hey.
516
00:23:55,755 --> 00:23:56,154
I...
517
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:58,219
I'm a safe person.
518
00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:01,419
Ways that you don't know you're safe...
519
00:24:01,419 --> 00:24:02,539
So you're gonna see...
520
00:24:05,899 --> 00:24:08,299
So for instance, like, if you are way...
521
00:24:08,299 --> 00:24:09,339
This is a way that...
522
00:24:09,419 --> 00:24:14,115
One simple way to know, like, if depending on
your attachment style, if you feel safe.
523
00:24:14,115 --> 00:24:15,714
So if you're someone that's like...
524
00:24:16,275 --> 00:24:21,154
If you receive a text message or a call or
something and you instantly have to write back
525
00:24:21,154 --> 00:24:29,079
to them because you're afraid they're gonna be
mad or you're afraid, oh, like, I didn't
526
00:24:29,079 --> 00:24:29,640
respond.
527
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,920
Like, what if...
528
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,919
Or you're waiting for a response back.
529
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,519
No one's responding to me.
530
00:24:34,519 --> 00:24:35,240
What's going on?
531
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,399
You're afraid to make your own decisions.
532
00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:39,720
You're afraid to set the boundaries.
533
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,480
These are all kind of, like, simple tell...
534
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,104
Like, you are just afraid to trust yourself.
535
00:24:44,664 --> 00:24:50,584
And I feel like a lot of times, we don't even
realize that we don't feel safe until you start
536
00:24:50,585 --> 00:24:56,024
really feeling in your body asking, what does
safety mean to me?
537
00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:57,890
What does that feel like?
538
00:24:57,890 --> 00:25:00,049
And it's gonna feel different for everybody.
539
00:25:00,049 --> 00:25:03,089
And when you start looking at where you...
540
00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:08,369
With who you feel safe with and what situations
you feel safe with, that's when it's like you
541
00:25:08,369 --> 00:25:11,890
see a bigger picture of how much you actually
don't feel safe.
542
00:25:15,355 --> 00:25:16,075
Oh, yeah.
543
00:25:16,075 --> 00:25:17,035
So true.
544
00:25:17,275 --> 00:25:27,269
Could you give our listeners one simple somatic
exercise that they can use it every time when
545
00:25:27,269 --> 00:25:29,989
they notice themselves becoming triggered.
546
00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:39,109
So one simple thing I like to say is listen to
what your trigger is saying, but listen to it
547
00:25:39,109 --> 00:25:42,835
like you were speaking to a friend or a loved
one.
548
00:25:42,835 --> 00:25:43,555
So if someone...
549
00:25:43,555 --> 00:25:47,875
If I came to you and I was like, I don't know
what to do with this and, like, da da da da,
550
00:25:47,875 --> 00:25:50,994
like, whatever the situation is, would...
551
00:25:50,994 --> 00:25:55,075
Like, how would you respond to somebody else
saying these things to you?
552
00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:01,559
Would you get mad at them, or would you just
listen and try to help them work through it?
553
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:02,679
So once some...
554
00:26:02,679 --> 00:26:04,279
So it's just listening.
555
00:26:04,279 --> 00:26:08,200
It doesn't mean that you have to give weight to
what that voice is saying.
556
00:26:08,519 --> 00:26:13,654
It's listening to what they're saying and why
they're saying it.
557
00:26:14,054 --> 00:26:18,054
Because it often is coming down to, I don't
feel safe.
558
00:26:18,054 --> 00:26:23,095
When you really start to listen like, oh, I
don't know if I should accept this job because,
559
00:26:23,799 --> 00:26:27,319
you know, I have a job right now, and what if
it's...
560
00:26:27,559 --> 00:26:28,839
What if?
561
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,920
And you start going off on the what ifs.
562
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,599
And so when you start listening to it, it's
coming down to fear.
563
00:26:34,839 --> 00:26:36,039
You don't feel safe.
564
00:26:36,039 --> 00:26:41,785
So start just listening and not judging, not
trying to fix it.
565
00:26:41,785 --> 00:26:43,384
It's just simple listening.
566
00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:45,304
Yeah.
567
00:26:45,304 --> 00:26:49,304
So people listen to themselves and they
understand they they have fear.
568
00:26:49,304 --> 00:26:50,664
So what is the next step?
569
00:26:51,529 --> 00:26:54,169
So after you, like, listen and you start having
fear, it's...
570
00:26:54,169 --> 00:26:55,210
Then you can kind of...
571
00:26:55,210 --> 00:26:56,889
Where is this fear coming from?
572
00:26:57,690 --> 00:26:59,690
What what is it that I'm actually afraid of?
573
00:26:59,690 --> 00:27:02,889
And often, it is often I don't feel safe in
this situation.
574
00:27:02,889 --> 00:27:04,169
I don't feel safe in my body.
575
00:27:04,169 --> 00:27:08,384
And that's when you can start to do small
things to show up to...
576
00:27:08,384 --> 00:27:12,784
For yourself to make yourself feel safer.
577
00:27:12,945 --> 00:27:13,265
So...
578
00:27:13,265 --> 00:27:17,744
And and I always say, like, pick something you
can do no matter what.
579
00:27:18,559 --> 00:27:19,920
Something that it it...
580
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,279
Like, such a tiny thing.
581
00:27:21,279 --> 00:27:27,200
Like, I'm going to drink more water in a day,
and you set an amount.
582
00:27:27,599 --> 00:27:28,319
And that way...
583
00:27:28,319 --> 00:27:30,880
Like, you can never make an excuse why you
can't drink water.
584
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:35,375
Like, don't set these goals that are, I'm gonna
lose 20 pounds, or I'm gonna stop drinking or
585
00:27:35,375 --> 00:27:35,855
smoking.
586
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:42,335
It's something really little, or I'm gonna make
sure I have two snacks and the three meals in a
587
00:27:42,335 --> 00:27:42,815
day.
588
00:27:42,815 --> 00:27:45,855
Like, setting tiny goals.
589
00:27:46,575 --> 00:27:54,489
Because when we start showing up and we do it
in these small, consistent, little baby steps,
590
00:27:54,569 --> 00:27:56,250
it builds up bigger trust.
591
00:27:56,250 --> 00:28:01,450
And then, eventually, these small, consistent
baby steps, you add other things, and then
592
00:28:01,450 --> 00:28:07,085
you're able to accomplish so much more, you
feel safer because you're saying, hey.
593
00:28:07,085 --> 00:28:08,045
I can do this.
594
00:28:08,045 --> 00:28:09,644
I can trust myself.
595
00:28:11,884 --> 00:28:12,445
Yes.
596
00:28:12,445 --> 00:28:12,845
Okay.
597
00:28:12,845 --> 00:28:13,484
Great.
598
00:28:13,644 --> 00:28:16,845
So let's make this, very practical.
599
00:28:17,085 --> 00:28:19,289
Imagine someone gets triggered.
600
00:28:19,289 --> 00:28:23,849
Perhaps they feel rejected, criticized,
abandoned, or ignored.
601
00:28:24,409 --> 00:28:28,089
And they immediately fall into an old reaction.
602
00:28:28,569 --> 00:28:28,809
Mhmm.
603
00:28:28,809 --> 00:28:35,555
What can they do in that exact moment to
interrupt that automatic pattern rather than
604
00:28:35,555 --> 00:28:38,994
letting it control what happens next?
605
00:28:40,115 --> 00:28:44,515
So I think that if you fall into a old pattern,
that's okay.
606
00:28:44,674 --> 00:28:53,150
And you need to acknowledge it's an old pattern
and saying, I'm acknowledging that I am
607
00:28:54,350 --> 00:28:59,789
reacting from a place that I'm working out of,
and it's okay to react from here.
608
00:29:00,350 --> 00:29:01,309
And how can...
609
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:06,184
Like, listening to what's coming up because
it's often coming up because you haven't been
610
00:29:06,184 --> 00:29:06,904
listening.
611
00:29:07,625 --> 00:29:12,265
So the the the old trigger is resurfacing
because another part of you isn't safe because
612
00:29:12,265 --> 00:29:14,984
you haven't been listening, and you don't feel
safe there.
613
00:29:15,409 --> 00:29:16,529
So when you...
614
00:29:16,849 --> 00:29:17,890
It's it's it's...
615
00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:19,970
Again, it's acknowledging, this is where I am
right now.
616
00:29:19,970 --> 00:29:23,970
It doesn't mean I'm gonna be there forever, and
it doesn't mean I've lost all of the work
617
00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:25,809
because you haven't lost all the work.
618
00:29:25,809 --> 00:29:30,044
And just sitting and acknowledging that one
spot is, okay.
619
00:29:30,044 --> 00:29:35,724
I'm I'm here, and what are things I can do
differently?
620
00:29:37,164 --> 00:29:41,804
And, sometimes you have to kinda unravel
yourself a little bit to get to that point.
621
00:29:41,804 --> 00:29:43,509
But when you do...
622
00:29:43,509 --> 00:29:49,190
When you are able to come to the spot where
you're like, oh, I reacted in the same way I
623
00:29:49,190 --> 00:29:51,269
did, starting to say, okay.
624
00:29:51,269 --> 00:29:53,349
What what was different?
625
00:29:53,670 --> 00:29:55,109
What wasn't I listening to?
626
00:29:55,109 --> 00:29:57,109
What was I not allowing myself to feel?
627
00:30:01,214 --> 00:30:01,694
Great.
628
00:30:01,694 --> 00:30:09,694
So, can you walk us through the process step by
step from recognizing the trigger to choosing a
629
00:30:09,694 --> 00:30:10,575
different response?
630
00:30:11,990 --> 00:30:12,309
Yeah.
631
00:30:12,309 --> 00:30:14,789
So, like, if you're recognizing a trigger,
it's...
632
00:30:14,789 --> 00:30:18,069
I mean, sometimes you're gonna recognize it in
the middle.
633
00:30:18,470 --> 00:30:23,110
Sometimes you're gonna recognize it afterwards
and that wherever you recognize it is an okay
634
00:30:23,110 --> 00:30:23,590
place.
635
00:30:23,590 --> 00:30:27,214
So it's simply saying, you know, oh, okay.
636
00:30:27,214 --> 00:30:28,575
I am being...
637
00:30:28,575 --> 00:30:30,254
Why am I being triggered here?
638
00:30:30,654 --> 00:30:34,494
When you finally come to the point of, like,
you've recognized it's what's being triggered
639
00:30:34,494 --> 00:30:43,000
inside of me, and then stopping and listening
to yourself on what is being triggered.
640
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,559
Why are you feeling this way?
641
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,359
It doesn't necessarily have to make sense.
642
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:53,545
It's allowing that part of you to tell the
story of what's going on.
643
00:30:53,545 --> 00:30:57,944
Just like I said, you're listening to without
trying to fix.
644
00:30:58,505 --> 00:31:00,585
Oh, I feel this way because I'm scared.
645
00:31:00,585 --> 00:31:03,305
I feel this way because I can't control it.
646
00:31:03,305 --> 00:31:05,960
Control is another big thing that comes to when
we...
647
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,839
We wanna control things so that we feel safe so
we know the outcome.
648
00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:12,119
So when we can't control, we get angry.
649
00:31:12,119 --> 00:31:15,240
We get anxious, and those are big trigger wars.
650
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:16,984
So then you're going to react differently.
651
00:31:16,984 --> 00:31:20,025
If if, you're not sure what's happening, you
might be snap...
652
00:31:20,025 --> 00:31:25,144
Like snap at somebody and, or even at yourself
or just get angry.
653
00:31:25,625 --> 00:31:31,250
And it's really listening to what that trigger
is trying to tell you that's deeper.
654
00:31:31,250 --> 00:31:31,650
And it...
655
00:31:31,650 --> 00:31:31,970
It's...
656
00:31:31,970 --> 00:31:34,690
Most of the time, it's something with your
safety.
657
00:31:34,690 --> 00:31:39,410
And so when you're not feeling safe, then how
can I make my?
658
00:31:39,410 --> 00:31:39,809
Feel...
659
00:31:39,809 --> 00:31:43,089
Why aren't I feeling safe, and how can I make
myself feel safe?
660
00:31:44,014 --> 00:31:45,534
And kind of relying on that.
661
00:31:45,534 --> 00:31:49,134
And if you don't know how to make yourself feel
safe at first, that is totally okay.
662
00:31:49,134 --> 00:31:51,134
It's because you haven't built up that trust.
663
00:31:51,214 --> 00:31:53,214
But that trust can be built up.
664
00:31:53,214 --> 00:31:56,095
It's just going to take a lot of little baby
steps.
665
00:31:56,095 --> 00:32:01,710
Like I spoke about starting to do consistent
small things for yourself is, like, the the the
666
00:32:01,710 --> 00:32:07,150
best way and listening to yourself to build up
that consistency and trust so that the
667
00:32:07,150 --> 00:32:13,494
triggers, and it's gonna take a little while,
like, also giving yourself that grace that I'm
668
00:32:13,494 --> 00:32:15,095
not gonna be able to change this overnight.
669
00:32:15,095 --> 00:32:15,494
It's...
670
00:32:15,494 --> 00:32:20,134
I've spent a lifetime building up this defense
mechanism.
671
00:32:20,775 --> 00:32:24,694
Not that it's gonna take a lifetime to undo it,
but it is gonna take a little bit of time.
672
00:32:26,990 --> 00:32:27,470
Yeah.
673
00:32:27,470 --> 00:32:28,429
So true.
674
00:32:28,909 --> 00:32:33,950
Megan, your work brings psychology and
spirituality together.
675
00:32:34,669 --> 00:32:42,505
Where do practices such as meditation, Reiki,
intuition, and spiritual exploration fit into
676
00:32:42,505 --> 00:32:43,305
healing?
677
00:32:43,545 --> 00:32:50,744
And how can someone use spirituality as a
support for growth rather than as a way of
678
00:32:50,825 --> 00:32:55,545
avoiding difficult emotions or unresolved
patterns?
679
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:03,039
So, I feel like spirituality, however that
looks for you, it's gonna look different for
680
00:33:03,039 --> 00:33:03,679
everybody.
681
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:10,000
It's finding what works best for you and
trusting that.
682
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:15,174
So if you are somebody that talks to God, rely
in the trust for God.
683
00:33:15,174 --> 00:33:19,015
If you're someone that talks to your spirit
guides, rely in in that.
684
00:33:19,015 --> 00:33:28,170
And, once you kind of find what works for you,
it's allowing that part of you to kind of open
685
00:33:28,170 --> 00:33:31,450
up and give the faith and the trust into that.
686
00:33:31,450 --> 00:33:36,410
And I and I think, like, if you're going
through a spiritual awakening, a lot of times,
687
00:33:36,410 --> 00:33:38,090
you know, they look so different.
688
00:33:38,090 --> 00:33:41,845
When I look at the different spiritual
awakenings I've had throughout my journey,
689
00:33:42,244 --> 00:33:45,044
they've looked different from, like, everyone.
690
00:33:45,045 --> 00:33:50,325
And it's just trusting that if you are opening
to that, that it is because something greater
691
00:33:50,325 --> 00:33:51,365
is coming for you.
692
00:33:51,365 --> 00:33:57,890
And it is learning to have faith and the trust,
which is hard when you don't feel safe, but it
693
00:33:57,890 --> 00:33:58,930
is it is...
694
00:33:58,930 --> 00:34:02,930
It's kind of learning to lean into the unknown.
695
00:34:02,930 --> 00:34:08,050
And at and at certain points, the unknown is
not just going to be, like, your higher beliefs
696
00:34:08,050 --> 00:34:11,914
and spirituality, whether it's God or your
guides or whoever.
697
00:34:12,235 --> 00:34:14,875
It's also gonna be that faith in yourself.
698
00:34:15,994 --> 00:34:16,954
And I...
699
00:34:16,954 --> 00:34:20,555
That it's learning that faith that I can trust
myself.
700
00:34:20,795 --> 00:34:24,875
And if I can trust myself, I can trust the
universe or whoever.
701
00:34:28,929 --> 00:34:29,329
Yes.
702
00:34:29,329 --> 00:34:33,889
For someone listening who has been working on
themselves for
703
00:34:33,889 --> 00:34:34,369
years
704
00:34:34,609 --> 00:34:34,849
Mhmm.
705
00:34:34,849 --> 00:34:40,530
But still feel stuck, what would you encourage
them to focus on first?
706
00:34:43,304 --> 00:34:44,105
I would...
707
00:34:45,465 --> 00:34:51,545
Oftentimes, if people feel stuck, sometimes
it's because they're trying to push something,
708
00:34:51,945 --> 00:34:54,184
and they have one expectation.
709
00:34:55,699 --> 00:34:56,659
And sometime...
710
00:34:56,659 --> 00:34:58,819
And it's, you were speaking about this earlier.
711
00:34:58,819 --> 00:35:00,260
Hindsight is always twenty twenty.
712
00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:02,420
Like, and we don't always see the full picture.
713
00:35:02,980 --> 00:35:08,099
And so if we're really feeling stuck, it's what
can I work on?
714
00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:11,865
What are the tiny changes I can make?
715
00:35:12,184 --> 00:35:15,305
So maybe I can't change my financial situation
overnight.
716
00:35:15,305 --> 00:35:17,865
I can't change my romantic relationship
overnight.
717
00:35:18,105 --> 00:35:21,065
But what is something I do have control of?
718
00:35:21,144 --> 00:35:24,265
And you always have control of yourself and how
you react.
719
00:35:25,119 --> 00:35:25,760
So if...
720
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:26,320
Even if...
721
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:32,000
And I and I get I have felt stuck so many times
on my journey, so I get that feeling of stuck.
722
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:40,415
It's like you want to do something, and
sometimes I have been humbled in learning that
723
00:35:40,735 --> 00:35:46,735
sometimes the thing that you need to do is just
sit back and allow and be in a place to receive
724
00:35:46,735 --> 00:35:49,934
or be in a place to trust.
725
00:35:49,934 --> 00:35:55,190
And that's a really hard lesson to learn, and
you will not be stuck forever.
726
00:35:55,589 --> 00:35:56,150
I promise.
727
00:35:56,150 --> 00:35:58,150
Like, you are on whatever journey.
728
00:35:58,150 --> 00:35:59,429
Nothing is stagnant.
729
00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:03,989
If you are feeling super stuck, and even if
you've been super stuck for a long time,
730
00:36:04,070 --> 00:36:05,750
doesn't mean there's no hope.
731
00:36:05,909 --> 00:36:06,869
There's always...
732
00:36:06,869 --> 00:36:08,630
It will work itself out eventually.
733
00:36:10,445 --> 00:36:10,844
Yeah.
734
00:36:10,844 --> 00:36:11,644
Thank you.
735
00:36:11,644 --> 00:36:15,724
Thank you, Megan, for this, conversation.
736
00:36:15,724 --> 00:36:22,285
And, if there would be one advice which you
would like people to take away with them from
737
00:36:22,285 --> 00:36:23,139
this conversation?
738
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:27,539
Maybe something that we didn't discuss yet, but
you know this is very important and you would
739
00:36:27,539 --> 00:36:28,500
like them to hear.
740
00:36:28,500 --> 00:36:29,699
What would be that?
741
00:36:30,500 --> 00:36:31,699
You know, I would...
742
00:36:31,699 --> 00:36:38,755
I really encourage people to listen to
themselves and start to build that trust in
743
00:36:38,755 --> 00:36:45,635
themselves and that safety in themselves
because it is all about you and how you
744
00:36:46,355 --> 00:36:49,635
perceive yourself that's going to get you
wherever you need to go.
745
00:36:49,635 --> 00:36:55,730
And if you have a great way of looking at
things, you're gonna...
746
00:36:56,050 --> 00:37:00,849
It's gonna change your circumstance, but also
allowing yourself to feel everything.
747
00:37:01,250 --> 00:37:04,929
And so you can't always stay high vibrational
and in one direction.
748
00:37:04,929 --> 00:37:08,454
You have to let yourself have the polarity of
everything.
749
00:37:08,454 --> 00:37:13,574
So just letting yourself feel whatever it is
you need to feel whenever it is that you need
750
00:37:13,574 --> 00:37:16,454
to feel it and then moving forward from there.
751
00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:19,969
This is such
752
00:37:19,969 --> 00:37:21,409
a great reminder.
753
00:37:21,809 --> 00:37:22,130
Yeah.
754
00:37:22,130 --> 00:37:28,769
So I think that one of the most important ideas
from this conversation is that sometimes we
755
00:37:28,769 --> 00:37:33,089
don't need another book, another technique, or
more information.
756
00:37:34,144 --> 00:37:36,625
We need to understand the pattern under...
757
00:37:36,625 --> 00:37:45,025
And beneath, right, our behavior, which created
this, and create enough safety to respond
758
00:37:45,025 --> 00:37:45,585
differently.
759
00:37:46,679 --> 00:37:50,519
Thank you, Megan, for sharing your insights and
your experience.
760
00:37:50,679 --> 00:37:54,280
And people who are listening to us, they...
761
00:37:54,280 --> 00:38:01,319
You can find how to follow Megan in the
description, her links to her social media
762
00:38:01,319 --> 00:38:02,039
website.
763
00:38:02,894 --> 00:38:09,695
And, of course, follow Megan, and, you can also
ask questions here below this video.
764
00:38:09,775 --> 00:38:15,614
Share this link with somebody who you think
about, who might benefit from this
765
00:38:15,614 --> 00:38:16,175
conversation.
766
00:38:16,869 --> 00:38:19,510
Subscribe to mindset to results podcast.
767
00:38:19,909 --> 00:38:21,109
And, yes.
768
00:38:21,109 --> 00:38:29,190
And, if someone in your life keeps asking why
do I keep doing this, yeah, share this episode
769
00:38:29,190 --> 00:38:29,670
with them.
770
00:38:29,954 --> 00:38:34,994
And, Megan, again, thank you so much for being
an amazing guest, and I'm looking forward to
771
00:38:34,994 --> 00:38:37,075
see you again in our future episodes.
772
00:38:37,394 --> 00:38:38,275
Thank you so much.
773
00:38:38,275 --> 00:38:39,394
I really appreciate it.
774
00:38:39,394 --> 00:38:40,515
You have a great day.
775
00:38:40,914 --> 00:38:41,555
You too.
00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,279
Hello.
2
00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:03,679
Hello.
3
00:00:03,679 --> 00:00:06,000
Welcome to mindset two results.
4
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:10,639
Have you ever thought I know exactly why I do
this?
5
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,519
So why I do keep doing this?
6
00:00:13,759 --> 00:00:22,654
My guest today, Megan Dupuy, believes the
missing piece may be not just knowledge or more
7
00:00:22,654 --> 00:00:25,214
healing work, but safety.
8
00:00:25,454 --> 00:00:32,810
Today, we are exploring how childhood survival
patterns follow us into adulthood and what it
9
00:00:32,810 --> 00:00:36,170
takes to finally begin changing them.
10
00:00:36,729 --> 00:00:37,770
Hi, Megan.
11
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,450
Welcome to Mindset to Results.
12
00:00:39,609 --> 00:00:40,409
Hi, Alina.
13
00:00:40,409 --> 00:00:42,010
Thank you so much for having me.
14
00:00:42,010 --> 00:00:43,369
I'm really excited to be here today.
15
00:00:44,384 --> 00:00:44,704
Yeah.
16
00:00:44,704 --> 00:00:45,984
You're most welcome.
17
00:00:45,984 --> 00:00:54,864
Before we start our interview, I usually have
this, habit to ask our guests what makes them
18
00:00:54,864 --> 00:00:59,585
so passionate to be podcast guests and be on
our show today?
19
00:01:00,219 --> 00:01:05,260
Because there could be so many things to do,
but you choose to share with the world your
20
00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:08,379
experience, your life, your patience.
21
00:01:08,379 --> 00:01:10,060
So what is that behind?
22
00:01:11,019 --> 00:01:20,104
I really want women to experience clarity and
healing, however that looks in their life.
23
00:01:20,104 --> 00:01:24,424
And I I think that when...
24
00:01:24,504 --> 00:01:25,305
Like, we...
25
00:01:25,704 --> 00:01:31,140
Especially women who are, like, in their
forties and and up and even the late thirties,
26
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:36,579
we spent our whole lives kind of in a box that
necessarily wasn't our box, but the box that
27
00:01:36,579 --> 00:01:38,180
was put on us as children.
28
00:01:38,819 --> 00:01:44,694
And then you start, like, hitting
perimenopause, and you realize that that box
29
00:01:44,694 --> 00:01:45,495
doesn't fit.
30
00:01:45,495 --> 00:01:45,894
And...
31
00:01:45,894 --> 00:01:46,775
But what do you do?
32
00:01:46,775 --> 00:01:47,174
How...
33
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:47,894
Who are you?
34
00:01:47,894 --> 00:01:49,254
Like, you've lost yourself.
35
00:01:49,254 --> 00:01:50,454
So it's it's helping.
36
00:01:50,454 --> 00:01:50,854
I...
37
00:01:50,854 --> 00:01:57,040
Like, I really have a passion for helping women
evolve into their next chapter, evolve their
38
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:03,599
soul so that they can really bring in what
they're craving in life and the things that
39
00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:05,280
align most with them.
40
00:02:06,319 --> 00:02:06,799
Yeah.
41
00:02:06,799 --> 00:02:08,319
That is very important.
42
00:02:08,319 --> 00:02:16,895
So, Megan, someone can spend years in therapy,
read dozens of self help books, and understand
43
00:02:16,895 --> 00:02:21,935
exactly where their patterns came from, yet
still repeat them.
44
00:02:22,590 --> 00:02:24,349
So the question is this.
45
00:02:24,509 --> 00:02:29,629
Why isn't awareness alone enough to create
lasting change?
46
00:02:31,389 --> 00:02:38,435
So my theory is that it's not enough to create
lasting changes because you don't feel safe
47
00:02:38,435 --> 00:02:41,074
enough to actually make the changes.
48
00:02:41,074 --> 00:02:42,034
So you see, okay.
49
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:43,555
I have to do this and this.
50
00:02:43,954 --> 00:02:48,674
But if you don't feel safe to make the change,
it's never going to to happen.
51
00:02:48,674 --> 00:02:58,879
And when your inner child doesn't feel safe,
you're still reacting from the points of, like,
52
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:02,719
childhood, like, how you would emotionally
react as a child.
53
00:03:02,719 --> 00:03:05,040
That that still comes out whether we see it or
not.
54
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:06,560
These patterns are still there.
55
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,834
And even if you look at it, it's like, yeah, I
can see why I do it, but I just...
56
00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:17,155
I I don't know how to change it or I don't feel
safe enough to change it because who would I be
57
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,674
if I wasn't doing these things?
58
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:28,569
And what is one sign that tells someone, I
understand my pattern intellectually, but I
59
00:03:28,569 --> 00:03:30,330
haven't actually changed it yet?
60
00:03:32,224 --> 00:03:36,705
Feel like one sign is that you you know what
you have to do, and you just aren't doing it.
61
00:03:36,705 --> 00:03:42,944
Like, you know that you have to change it, and
you're just kind of not making an effort to do
62
00:03:42,944 --> 00:03:43,185
it.
63
00:03:43,185 --> 00:03:44,944
And that's an okay place to be.
64
00:03:44,944 --> 00:03:50,080
I feel like half of this battle is
acknowledging where you are, and there's no
65
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,520
shame of being where you are.
66
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,159
And if you're in that space where I need to do
this...
67
00:03:54,159 --> 00:03:56,879
So if, say, you need to stop drinking or
smoking or something.
68
00:03:56,879 --> 00:03:57,440
Right?
69
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:58,480
I know I gotta do it.
70
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,480
I'm just not there yet, and that's okay.
71
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,495
But you are gonna know.
72
00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:03,055
I...
73
00:04:03,055 --> 00:04:08,574
That you're gonna know I need to change
something and just haven't made that leap yet.
74
00:04:09,854 --> 00:04:10,334
Yeah.
75
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:11,854
So let's speak about this
76
00:04:11,854 --> 00:04:16,540
that, the pattern we don't realize, we are
repeating.
77
00:04:16,540 --> 00:04:20,220
And because most of our behavior is
subconscious.
78
00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:20,540
Yes.
79
00:04:20,540 --> 00:04:25,420
And if we don't realize, we just have
unconsciously will repeat the same.
80
00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:32,574
So you teach that childhood survival patterns
can continue running our adult lives.
81
00:04:33,294 --> 00:04:39,935
What are some of the most common ways these
patterns show up in relationships, business,
82
00:04:40,095 --> 00:04:43,270
boundaries, or the way we treat ourselves?
83
00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:48,709
So some of the ways that these will show up
are, you know, people pleasing, self
84
00:04:48,709 --> 00:04:54,550
abandonment, avoidance, addiction.
85
00:04:55,745 --> 00:05:02,064
These are, like, all, like, some of the the
common ones is that you are, even, like, high
86
00:05:02,064 --> 00:05:02,865
achieving.
87
00:05:03,024 --> 00:05:05,185
Like, you have to be the best at everything.
88
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,464
These are some of, like, the the core
foundation.
89
00:05:08,464 --> 00:05:10,384
There are more, but these are some, like, the
core p...
90
00:05:10,384 --> 00:05:14,839
Ones that I see people have the most,
especially the people pleasing and the lack of
91
00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:19,879
boundaries because as a child, you've been
taught you needed to behave a certain way to
92
00:05:19,879 --> 00:05:20,920
receive love.
93
00:05:21,319 --> 00:05:28,855
And so whether it's avoidance, whether it's,
you know, anxious attachment, you've been
94
00:05:28,855 --> 00:05:30,855
programmed that certain way.
95
00:05:30,855 --> 00:05:34,615
And if it's not coming in that way, then you
don't know what to do.
96
00:05:34,694 --> 00:05:40,080
So you tend to bring in relationships whether
they're platonic, they're work relationships,
97
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:45,680
they're romantic relationships that are gonna
mirror back to you, that it's...
98
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:46,480
So if you are...
99
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:46,960
You...
100
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:52,104
You're someone who chases love and love is
hard, it's going to be hard for you to pull in
101
00:05:52,104 --> 00:05:56,904
partners who are secure because if you don't
have to chase it, you're like, oh, that's too
102
00:05:56,904 --> 00:05:57,305
easy.
103
00:05:57,305 --> 00:05:59,384
They they can't possibly love me.
104
00:05:59,704 --> 00:06:04,040
So that's, like, a good example of of that.
105
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:05,240
Yeah.
106
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,040
Thank you.
107
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:12,519
And can you give us, another example of an
adult behavior that looks completely normal on
108
00:06:12,519 --> 00:06:16,599
the surface but may actually been an old
survival response?
109
00:06:18,384 --> 00:06:20,305
So the boundaries is huge.
110
00:06:20,305 --> 00:06:23,904
It's saying yes when you mean no, not being
able to tell someone.
111
00:06:24,225 --> 00:06:31,009
And it could be a simple thing like, I don't
wanna go someplace, but you feel an obligation
112
00:06:31,009 --> 00:06:37,250
or you feel I have to include somebody even
though, like, you might not want to, but
113
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:37,810
you've...
114
00:06:37,810 --> 00:06:42,930
Like, that's an example is boundary setting,
just not being able to stand up for yourself
115
00:06:42,884 --> 00:06:48,485
for simple things and, of course, for more
difficult things, telling people, you don't
116
00:06:48,485 --> 00:06:50,165
like the way someone's treating you.
117
00:06:50,165 --> 00:06:54,645
But it also is just simple things like, do
you...
118
00:06:54,645 --> 00:06:56,245
What restaurant do you wanna go to?
119
00:06:56,245 --> 00:06:56,805
I don't know.
120
00:06:56,805 --> 00:06:57,444
Whatever you want.
121
00:06:58,029 --> 00:06:58,509
That...
122
00:06:58,509 --> 00:07:04,350
I mean, that's a simple thing that sometimes
you don't even think about because you're just
123
00:07:04,509 --> 00:07:10,110
trying to constantly make that other person
happy or trying to please.
124
00:07:10,269 --> 00:07:10,669
That...
125
00:07:10,669 --> 00:07:11,629
That's a simple one.
126
00:07:12,795 --> 00:07:18,235
So when the person answers like this, like,
whatever you think, like, whatever you choose,
127
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:19,995
so what it speaks?
128
00:07:19,995 --> 00:07:22,235
Like, what it tells us about the person?
129
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:24,235
Like, what is going be...
130
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,634
Behind this answer?
131
00:07:27,930 --> 00:07:33,209
So oftentimes when people are responding of,
well, whatever you want, it's...
132
00:07:33,209 --> 00:07:39,610
They are afraid to tell you what they want
because they want you to have that admiration
133
00:07:39,610 --> 00:07:40,089
from you.
134
00:07:40,089 --> 00:07:40,649
They want...
135
00:07:40,649 --> 00:07:45,194
So if it's a romantic relationship, they want
you to love them.
136
00:07:45,194 --> 00:07:50,555
And they feel that if I don't do this, I won't
be liked or loved, and I need to be liked or
137
00:07:50,555 --> 00:07:51,834
loved by this person.
138
00:07:52,154 --> 00:07:52,555
And that...
139
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:53,914
I mean, it can be for a friendship.
140
00:07:53,914 --> 00:07:54,794
It can be in work.
141
00:07:54,794 --> 00:07:58,954
Like, oh, if I if I speak up, I'm I'm becoming
difficult.
142
00:07:59,230 --> 00:08:01,069
And you're really not becoming difficult.
143
00:08:01,069 --> 00:08:01,470
You're...
144
00:08:01,470 --> 00:08:07,069
As long as you're saying whatever you need to
say in a respectful way, it's okay.
145
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,790
But people who are kind of on that boat...
146
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:10,990
You know, I'm guilty of it too.
147
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,389
I, yeah, I would just allow p...
148
00:08:13,389 --> 00:08:18,444
Like, go along with what everyone else wanted
because I didn't wanna be the only person being
149
00:08:18,444 --> 00:08:19,084
like, oh, no.
150
00:08:19,084 --> 00:08:19,404
No.
151
00:08:19,404 --> 00:08:19,884
Like, I...
152
00:08:19,884 --> 00:08:20,044
No.
153
00:08:20,044 --> 00:08:20,604
I don't like that.
154
00:08:20,604 --> 00:08:21,644
I don't wanna do it.
155
00:08:22,524 --> 00:08:22,925
It's...
156
00:08:22,925 --> 00:08:26,044
It was just to kind of make sure, oh, I'm still
liked.
157
00:08:26,044 --> 00:08:26,925
I'm still loved.
158
00:08:26,925 --> 00:08:28,685
The status quo is still good.
159
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:30,350
Yes.
160
00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:33,789
And it also can show the low self esteem of the
person.
161
00:08:33,789 --> 00:08:37,870
It's because he, like, neglecting his own
wishes.
162
00:08:37,870 --> 00:08:45,554
And maybe he didn't or she even didn't learn or
used to think about what she wants or what he
163
00:08:45,554 --> 00:08:51,315
wants is because since childhood, we were
taught what to want.
164
00:08:51,475 --> 00:08:51,794
Right?
165
00:08:51,794 --> 00:08:52,194
Because, like
166
00:08:52,355 --> 00:08:52,995
Yeah.
167
00:08:52,995 --> 00:08:54,115
We really wanted.
168
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,740
We could hear that, oh, no.
169
00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:58,740
This is not for you what you're thinking about.
170
00:08:58,740 --> 00:08:59,220
Like, no.
171
00:08:59,220 --> 00:09:00,500
Forget about this.
172
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,579
Like, this is what you have to want.
173
00:09:02,579 --> 00:09:07,620
Like like, parents, they were not asking us
what we really want.
174
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:16,445
But I noticed that many parents, they, like,
put their own will on children, and they make
175
00:09:16,445 --> 00:09:17,004
them
176
00:09:17,245 --> 00:09:18,524
want what they want.
177
00:09:18,524 --> 00:09:22,365
Like, even if child says no, they don't accept
it as no.
178
00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:27,679
They start, like, trying to change the child's
mind.
179
00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:30,320
Or why you don't want look like this, this and
this.
180
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,679
See, this is good.
181
00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:32,159
Yes.
182
00:09:32,159 --> 00:09:35,759
So they try to put their opinion on children.
183
00:09:35,759 --> 00:09:39,774
And if it is repeated pattern, this is how
children just...
184
00:09:39,774 --> 00:09:40,014
Okay.
185
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,534
They want to be good for parents.
186
00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:42,654
They love their parent.
187
00:09:42,894 --> 00:09:45,134
This is how they accept and say, okay.
188
00:09:45,134 --> 00:09:50,894
Let me accept what my parent want because I
don't want to, like, disappoint my mom.
189
00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:52,059
Right?
190
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:56,220
And this is how it it creates the habit to put
yourself back.
191
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:56,539
Right?
192
00:09:56,539 --> 00:09:59,899
And just start accepting what other people want
you to want.
193
00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:00,620
Right?
194
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:02,620
And this pattern can go all...
195
00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:06,620
Like, through all life, and this is how it
reflects in relationships.
196
00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:13,495
But and also, like, the person thinks that by
pleasing someone and just accept what they
197
00:10:13,495 --> 00:10:16,214
want, like restaurant they want or dish or
what...
198
00:10:16,214 --> 00:10:16,615
Okay.
199
00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:18,054
What what you choose Yeah.
200
00:10:18,054 --> 00:10:18,855
What you want.
201
00:10:18,855 --> 00:10:19,894
I will choose the same.
202
00:10:19,894 --> 00:10:20,294
Right?
203
00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:27,670
So this is actually not serving them, right,
like this pattern because they will get tired.
204
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:28,070
Like...
205
00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:28,389
Right?
206
00:10:28,389 --> 00:10:29,590
Because Yeah.
207
00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:31,190
Sometime you do this, two times.
208
00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:35,794
But later, you will start feeling like you're
you're not living for yourself.
209
00:10:35,794 --> 00:10:36,035
Right?
210
00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:36,355
Like, you...
211
00:10:36,355 --> 00:10:38,274
It start becoming boring.
212
00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:39,235
And Yeah.
213
00:10:39,235 --> 00:10:40,035
Absolutely.
214
00:10:40,355 --> 00:10:44,595
Start expecting you because you showed it,
like, from the beginning like that.
215
00:10:44,595 --> 00:10:44,915
Right?
216
00:10:44,915 --> 00:10:47,075
So they just expecting you that you will
continue.
217
00:10:48,389 --> 00:10:48,789
No.
218
00:10:48,789 --> 00:10:49,190
Absolutely.
219
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:49,669
There is...
220
00:10:49,669 --> 00:10:55,909
Like, we are taught, and I I feel like like,
the way I'm raising my kids, I'm trying to
221
00:10:55,909 --> 00:10:56,950
raise them.
222
00:10:57,110 --> 00:10:58,149
Also, I feel...
223
00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:03,424
Comes into that is, like, a lot of parents,
they put their emotions on you, and so you
224
00:11:03,424 --> 00:11:06,545
weren't allowed to feel, which ties in with
what you were saying.
225
00:11:06,545 --> 00:11:07,904
Like, you weren't allowed just to feel.
226
00:11:07,904 --> 00:11:11,825
You had to, oh, why are you upset?
227
00:11:11,825 --> 00:11:13,184
I'm gonna give you something to cry about.
228
00:11:13,329 --> 00:11:18,370
But then the parents have an emotion, and they
often wanted you to regulate their emotions.
229
00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:26,129
And, it it all starts of this learning to self
abandon from a very young age.
230
00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:28,315
And so we learned, hey.
231
00:11:28,315 --> 00:11:34,315
If I if I make mommy or daddy or whoever your
caregiver is happy, then I'm a good girl.
232
00:11:34,315 --> 00:11:34,954
I'm a good boy.
233
00:11:34,954 --> 00:11:36,714
Like, I'm, like, I'm being good.
234
00:11:36,714 --> 00:11:38,634
So then we just carry it forward, and it does.
235
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:42,789
It I think in the beginning of life, you're
okay.
236
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:43,110
Yeah.
237
00:11:43,110 --> 00:11:46,230
And you just do it because it's a it's a
pattern you've developed, and you don't
238
00:11:46,230 --> 00:11:49,110
necessarily even recognize it because it's what
you've always done.
239
00:11:49,110 --> 00:11:51,029
And, well, I always do what everyone else
wants.
240
00:11:51,029 --> 00:11:55,644
And then you get to a point in your life where
you're like, I I don't wanna go to that
241
00:11:55,644 --> 00:11:56,204
restaurant.
242
00:11:56,204 --> 00:11:58,524
I don't wanna do whatever.
243
00:11:59,164 --> 00:12:04,204
And you start having to speak up, and it's
super uncomfortable when you do.
244
00:12:04,204 --> 00:12:05,084
But it it...
245
00:12:05,084 --> 00:12:08,524
It's because the voice inside is so much louder
now.
246
00:12:08,524 --> 00:12:09,480
It's like, no.
247
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,160
I can't just not say what I want anymore.
248
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,840
I have to start speaking.
249
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,200
Yes.
250
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:21,399
It is like relearning, like like learning the
new skill because it
251
00:12:21,399 --> 00:12:21,559
is
252
00:12:22,535 --> 00:12:23,815
it is uncomfortable.
253
00:12:23,894 --> 00:12:25,735
If you are if you are not you...
254
00:12:25,735 --> 00:12:32,934
Not used to tell what you want and to put you
as priority, if you were told that putting you
255
00:12:32,934 --> 00:12:35,735
as priority, it is being selfish.
256
00:12:35,815 --> 00:12:36,134
Right?
257
00:12:36,134 --> 00:12:36,375
But
258
00:12:36,535 --> 00:12:36,855
Yeah.
259
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:42,220
And if you think like, oh, if I start speaking,
I will be looked like selfish.
260
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:42,460
Yeah.
261
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:43,580
But I'm not selfish.
262
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:43,820
Yeah.
263
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:48,220
So this becomes like that inner inner dialogue,
which is like, where am I?
264
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,820
Like, when I am...
265
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:51,899
Can speak at all about my
266
00:12:52,884 --> 00:12:53,764
It's very true.
267
00:12:53,764 --> 00:12:56,644
It's because we've been taught not to have the
needs.
268
00:12:56,884 --> 00:12:58,485
You can't need something.
269
00:12:58,485 --> 00:12:59,605
Why would you need something?
270
00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:02,245
I've given you everything you could possibly
want.
271
00:13:02,245 --> 00:13:03,204
Why do you need?
272
00:13:03,204 --> 00:13:06,004
And so we silence the, oh, I don't need
anything.
273
00:13:06,004 --> 00:13:06,325
I'm good.
274
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:07,389
I don't need...
275
00:13:07,389 --> 00:13:13,870
And that when you start to speak up about it,
it is scary because you don't feel safe.
276
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:15,309
You don't...
277
00:13:15,309 --> 00:13:19,870
Like, you've been taught that if you stay
quiet, that is safe.
278
00:13:20,504 --> 00:13:27,144
And so when you're, like, starting to speak up,
that feels very unsafe because oftentimes, the
279
00:13:27,144 --> 00:13:31,545
people around you are used to, like you said,
you behaving in that certain way.
280
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:36,680
And when you don't behave that way, they react
in a non favor...
281
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,399
Oftentimes, they don't react in a favor.
282
00:13:39,399 --> 00:13:40,600
Well, why are being difficult?
283
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,720
And it's coming to that conclusion.
284
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:44,600
And I...
285
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,875
And it's after you've done work where it's, I'm
allowed to have my wants and needs.
286
00:13:48,875 --> 00:13:53,434
Again, it comes down to if somebody really
loves me, they're...
287
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:59,850
As long as I'm being respectful in how I'm
delivering my wants and needs, if they can't
288
00:13:59,850 --> 00:14:03,690
see that I can have them, those aren't
necessarily someone I want in my life, and
289
00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:07,690
that's okay because you want people in your
life who want you to have wants and needs.
290
00:14:08,169 --> 00:14:12,409
And, like, I'm not saying that every time you
have to go against the grain, they've...
291
00:14:12,409 --> 00:14:12,809
You know?
292
00:14:12,809 --> 00:14:14,169
Like, I tell my kids this too.
293
00:14:14,169 --> 00:14:14,570
It's like...
294
00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:19,664
It's okay to, like, want what you want, but
sometimes in a group, you you have to be...
295
00:14:19,664 --> 00:14:22,944
If everyone's going to one restaurant and
you're like, I don't want it, sometimes you
296
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:23,745
have to be like, okay.
297
00:14:23,745 --> 00:14:24,464
I'll go.
298
00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:29,600
But it's picking when it's time to voice what
you want and what you need.
299
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:30,240
You know?
300
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,240
What's really important to you.
301
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:34,080
Yes.
302
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:34,480
Yes.
303
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:35,440
Definitely.
304
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,200
And, yeah.
305
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,759
So it is, again, about awareness.
306
00:14:39,855 --> 00:14:46,414
It's because people can live and carry this and
think that they have to be that person who just
307
00:14:46,414 --> 00:14:50,975
accepts everyone's opinion or who even cannot
decide.
308
00:14:51,294 --> 00:14:56,539
Like, every time it come to decide something,
he ask everybody else, what should I do?
309
00:14:56,940 --> 00:15:00,459
Because he never used to make decision.
310
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:04,860
Parents did decisions what to wear, what to
eat, where to go, to whom to be friends.
311
00:15:05,325 --> 00:15:07,245
And this is how they didn't practice.
312
00:15:07,245 --> 00:15:10,445
And then they come in with this, like, what
should I do?
313
00:15:10,445 --> 00:15:13,085
They cannot make decision even for small
things.
314
00:15:13,644 --> 00:15:13,804
Yeah.
315
00:15:13,804 --> 00:15:14,684
So And that all...
316
00:15:14,684 --> 00:15:15,165
I'm sorry.
317
00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:15,485
Go ahead.
318
00:15:15,485 --> 00:15:16,125
I'm sorry.
319
00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:16,365
Yeah.
320
00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:16,684
Yeah.
321
00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:16,924
Yeah.
322
00:15:16,924 --> 00:15:17,485
You go ahead.
323
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:20,500
And, no, but that also comes down to not
feeling safe.
324
00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:23,059
Like, you don't feel safe in your body.
325
00:15:23,059 --> 00:15:27,379
You don't feel safe in yourself, which breaks
down to, like, that inner child.
326
00:15:27,379 --> 00:15:27,620
Right?
327
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:32,899
The inner child is not feeling safe to make the
simple of decisions of do I like green or blue?
328
00:15:33,684 --> 00:15:34,565
And I'm...
329
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:36,644
Like, and there's nothing wrong in being in
that situation.
330
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:39,605
And I feel like your experiences also are gonna
shape that.
331
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:46,919
So if you have, grown up, like, to everyone
else, you're often gonna be brought into
332
00:15:46,919 --> 00:15:54,120
relationships where you are meant to just
listen and go to what everyone else thinks and
333
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,240
that when you speak up, well, I like this.
334
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,199
And, no, you don't.
335
00:15:58,199 --> 00:15:58,600
Right?
336
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,279
So you're gonna keep...
337
00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:02,184
You're gonna pull in marriages.
338
00:16:02,184 --> 00:16:06,585
You're gonna pull in friendships that are gonna
tell you how to live your life and not...
339
00:16:06,585 --> 00:16:10,105
And you never build up that self trust of, no.
340
00:16:10,105 --> 00:16:11,144
This is what I want.
341
00:16:11,785 --> 00:16:13,865
And it can be big or small.
342
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:14,504
It can...
343
00:16:14,504 --> 00:16:16,024
Like like, it'd be the favorite color.
344
00:16:16,024 --> 00:16:16,184
But...
345
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:23,320
And I also think, you know, depending on, like,
the traumas that you've received, there are
346
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:23,639
points...
347
00:16:23,639 --> 00:16:24,519
Like, if you've had...
348
00:16:24,519 --> 00:16:29,080
If you've been in a narcissistic relationship
with someone, you aren't gonna be able to make
349
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,804
easy decisions about things.
350
00:16:32,804 --> 00:16:38,085
Like, I've had clients where they got out of
narcissistic relationships, and they couldn't
351
00:16:38,085 --> 00:16:40,085
pick out a comforter for their home.
352
00:16:40,085 --> 00:16:42,884
Like, they had moved out of the relationship.
353
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:44,965
They're redecorating their own home.
354
00:16:45,450 --> 00:16:51,450
And because for years, they had not been able
to utilize what their wants and needs were,
355
00:16:51,529 --> 00:16:54,889
that they spent a month picking out a
comforter.
356
00:16:56,730 --> 00:16:59,129
And they still didn't like it, but they needed
a comforter.
357
00:16:59,129 --> 00:17:01,049
So they just bought whatever because they
just...
358
00:17:01,215 --> 00:17:02,014
I don't know if I...
359
00:17:02,014 --> 00:17:03,455
I don't know what I like anymore.
360
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:05,375
I don't I don't know what I need anymore.
361
00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:05,695
You know?
362
00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:10,974
You you get to that point where you just don't
know if you allow everyone to always tell you
363
00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:13,375
what it is that you want and need.
364
00:17:13,535 --> 00:17:15,109
And there's nothing wrong with being there.
365
00:17:15,109 --> 00:17:17,109
I never want anyone to feel like, oh, I'm here.
366
00:17:17,109 --> 00:17:17,669
This is a...
367
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,389
Like, it's okay to be where you are.
368
00:17:25,109 --> 00:17:26,230
Oh, I can't hear you.
369
00:17:27,934 --> 00:17:28,335
Yes.
370
00:17:28,335 --> 00:17:31,695
It's okay to be where you are, and it is always
way out.
371
00:17:31,695 --> 00:17:32,095
Yes.
372
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:32,654
Like Yeah.
373
00:17:32,654 --> 00:17:33,054
Absolutely.
374
00:17:33,535 --> 00:17:33,775
Yeah.
375
00:17:33,775 --> 00:17:34,894
As long as, like, if you're...
376
00:17:34,894 --> 00:17:35,615
If you say, hey.
377
00:17:35,615 --> 00:17:36,255
I'm here.
378
00:17:36,654 --> 00:17:40,815
And then you can start to, like, make the plans
to to change.
379
00:17:40,974 --> 00:17:41,295
Right?
380
00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:42,490
Yeah.
381
00:17:42,490 --> 00:17:44,329
This is all about awareness.
382
00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:48,890
Because if you know where you want to be, this
is very important to know where you are.
383
00:17:48,890 --> 00:17:49,130
Right?
384
00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:49,450
So you
385
00:17:49,450 --> 00:17:49,690
can
386
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:50,169
Yeah.
387
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:52,730
Bridge that gap between two dots.
388
00:17:52,890 --> 00:17:53,849
Absolutely.
389
00:17:54,089 --> 00:17:55,130
Don't know where you are.
390
00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:58,845
It is difficult, like, what you you have to do
if you don't know where you are.
391
00:17:58,845 --> 00:17:59,005
Right?
392
00:17:59,005 --> 00:18:00,284
What do you want to change?
393
00:18:00,444 --> 00:18:02,444
So this awareness comes first.
394
00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:09,150
And, of course, we grow in consciousness,
understanding, and we have access to right
395
00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:15,710
environment, this helps to, get the help to
move forward wherever we
396
00:18:15,789 --> 00:18:16,269
Yeah.
397
00:18:16,830 --> 00:18:17,150
No.
398
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:21,070
And I I really agree with that because, like, I
I actually tell my clients a lot.
399
00:18:21,070 --> 00:18:21,230
Like...
400
00:18:21,795 --> 00:18:23,234
And in my program, I...
401
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:23,634
I'm...
402
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:24,994
When you first start, it's...
403
00:18:24,994 --> 00:18:33,075
I I want you to write down where you are right
now and put it all down because you...
404
00:18:33,075 --> 00:18:37,234
It's a good marker so that you can look back
later and say, oh my god.
405
00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:41,440
I was here, and I'm in such a different place.
406
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,599
But it maps out, k.
407
00:18:43,599 --> 00:18:44,239
Where...
408
00:18:44,319 --> 00:18:44,639
What...
409
00:18:44,639 --> 00:18:45,119
Where do I...
410
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:49,679
And even if you can't see the path of how to
get where you wanna go, I feel like if you have
411
00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:57,214
that destination in mind, like, I wanna go
here, it will somehow finagle its way out, and
412
00:18:57,214 --> 00:18:58,414
you'll be able to get there.
413
00:18:58,414 --> 00:19:06,440
But it's the awareness of I'm not where I wanna
be and what are the small baby steps I can take
414
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,519
to accomplish that bigger goal?
415
00:19:09,079 --> 00:19:09,559
Yeah.
416
00:19:09,559 --> 00:19:15,079
Some situations may feel that you just are
there, and you can't move anywhere else.
417
00:19:15,079 --> 00:19:18,759
Like, sometimes when you're in that situation,
it feels like it is the end.
418
00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:20,924
Like, this is only life you can have.
419
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:25,484
But this is just a point from that situation,
from that angle.
420
00:19:25,644 --> 00:19:25,964
Is...
421
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:29,484
And there are a lot of different angles how to
look at things.
422
00:19:29,484 --> 00:19:34,444
Like, when time passes and then you can look
back and you can have totally different life.
423
00:19:34,579 --> 00:19:34,900
Right?
424
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,299
So knowing that it can be different.
425
00:19:37,299 --> 00:19:37,700
It...
426
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,380
Everything, like, passes.
427
00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:41,619
Like, this situation also can pass.
428
00:19:41,779 --> 00:19:48,019
But this is you will have just to make decision
really where you want to live, how you want to
429
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:50,259
live, what do you want your life to look like.
430
00:19:50,554 --> 00:19:51,035
Yes.
431
00:19:51,035 --> 00:19:54,954
And then when you understand that this is
important, what is important for you?
432
00:19:54,954 --> 00:19:56,075
Why is it important?
433
00:19:56,075 --> 00:19:56,315
Yes.
434
00:19:56,315 --> 00:20:04,315
Like, that why should be very strong in order
to make your compass to that direction.
435
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:05,819
No.
436
00:20:05,819 --> 00:20:06,460
Absolutely.
437
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:09,339
Like, you you have to have that why behind it.
438
00:20:09,339 --> 00:20:13,579
And even if, like, it...
439
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,059
Is ever stagnant.
440
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:17,740
Things are always changing.
441
00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,099
Things are always moving.
442
00:20:19,099 --> 00:20:22,414
And once that you say, okay.
443
00:20:22,414 --> 00:20:25,054
I don't like it now, but doesn't mean it's
always gonna be...
444
00:20:25,054 --> 00:20:28,255
Like you said, like, you can totally change
your life around.
445
00:20:28,255 --> 00:20:31,534
Like, my life is completely different from
where I was five years ago.
446
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,774
Like, night and day, two separate things.
447
00:20:34,730 --> 00:20:36,730
And at the time when I...
448
00:20:36,809 --> 00:20:38,250
So I left the marriage.
449
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:42,170
At the time when I was leaving my marriage, I
had...
450
00:20:42,170 --> 00:20:44,490
I couldn't have seen out of a paper bag.
451
00:20:44,490 --> 00:20:45,930
I didn't have clarity.
452
00:20:45,930 --> 00:20:46,809
I just...
453
00:20:47,369 --> 00:20:48,890
It was a difficult marriage.
454
00:20:48,890 --> 00:20:56,384
I lost a lot of myself in it, and, I didn't
know how I could get to the next steps.
455
00:20:56,384 --> 00:20:59,904
And little by little, it became clear.
456
00:20:59,904 --> 00:21:04,785
It didn't happen overnight, but but sometimes
you do wake up overnight, and you're like, I'm
457
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:06,224
in a totally different spot.
458
00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:11,820
And because you've been living it and when you
really take a look at that original spot of
459
00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:13,980
where you were when you were like, I want...
460
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:18,859
You realize I am the version of me that I was
praying to be.
461
00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:25,605
And that's, like, a big, like, oh, moment
because you you spend so much time wanting to
462
00:21:25,605 --> 00:21:29,605
be someone else, and then you go through what
you have to go through.
463
00:21:29,605 --> 00:21:30,325
And one day you do.
464
00:21:30,325 --> 00:21:32,164
You wake up, and you are that version.
465
00:21:32,164 --> 00:21:32,884
If you've make...
466
00:21:32,884 --> 00:21:37,219
If you make the steps to do so, you know, that
it is possible.
467
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:37,940
It doesn't...
468
00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:41,940
It's not a clear path, but it is possible to
become that version.
469
00:21:42,899 --> 00:21:43,379
Yeah.
470
00:21:43,379 --> 00:21:44,179
So true.
471
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:46,899
So let's speak about safety.
472
00:21:46,899 --> 00:21:47,459
Yes.
473
00:21:47,460 --> 00:21:49,059
Why safety comes first?
474
00:21:49,785 --> 00:21:56,744
You said that before rushing into shadow work
or deeper healing, we need to create safety for
475
00:21:56,744 --> 00:21:58,025
the inner child.
476
00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:02,105
What does safety actually mean in practical
terms?
477
00:22:02,429 --> 00:22:09,230
And how can someone know whether their nervous
system genuinely feels safe rather than simply
478
00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:11,789
telling themselves that they're safe?
479
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:15,309
So what I mean by safe...
480
00:22:15,309 --> 00:22:20,914
So why it's so important is because when you
start doing, like, a lot of deep healing work
481
00:22:20,914 --> 00:22:26,914
or your shadow work, you are accessing parts of
yourself, and you are in a sense retraumatizing
482
00:22:26,914 --> 00:22:32,989
yourself because you are allowing yourself to
relive things that happen to you.
483
00:22:33,710 --> 00:22:39,950
And if you don't feel safe, you are not able to
access that version because it doesn't feel
484
00:22:39,950 --> 00:22:40,509
safe.
485
00:22:40,509 --> 00:22:42,429
And so when you go into it...
486
00:22:42,509 --> 00:22:47,515
And I saw this a lot with clients where they
wanted to discover certain things about
487
00:22:47,515 --> 00:22:47,994
themselves.
488
00:22:47,994 --> 00:22:52,954
So we'd go into a hypnosis or we'd go into a
session, and they wouldn't be able to move
489
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:53,515
forward.
490
00:22:53,755 --> 00:22:56,474
And it was because they didn't have that
internal safety.
491
00:22:56,474 --> 00:22:58,394
Their inner child did not trust them.
492
00:22:58,634 --> 00:23:04,009
If you've spent your whole life telling
yourself that your wants and needs are wrong,
493
00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:11,210
when you want to start looking at your past
trauma, why would your inner child and yourself
494
00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:11,929
say, okay.
495
00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:12,650
I'm right here.
496
00:23:12,944 --> 00:23:13,744
It's okay.
497
00:23:13,744 --> 00:23:15,744
I'm safe to feel these things.
498
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:17,664
When your whole life, you've been like, no.
499
00:23:17,664 --> 00:23:18,065
You're not.
500
00:23:18,065 --> 00:23:18,784
You're not good.
501
00:23:18,784 --> 00:23:19,664
You're not safe.
502
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:20,944
You're not any of this.
503
00:23:21,424 --> 00:23:23,904
Your inner child is very much like a regular
child.
504
00:23:23,904 --> 00:23:25,505
And so I I...
505
00:23:25,505 --> 00:23:26,865
In my program and I...
506
00:23:26,865 --> 00:23:32,529
When I was doing one on ones, would teach my
clients, think of, like, your inner child as an
507
00:23:32,529 --> 00:23:33,890
actual child.
508
00:23:34,609 --> 00:23:40,849
If you were to approach a small child, you
wouldn't run up to them and try...
509
00:23:40,849 --> 00:23:42,154
Like, you would, hi.
510
00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:42,714
How are you?
511
00:23:42,714 --> 00:23:46,394
Like, you would gently try to, like, introduce
yourself.
512
00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:47,115
Like...
513
00:23:47,115 --> 00:23:48,554
And that's kind of what this is.
514
00:23:48,554 --> 00:23:55,034
It's building that trust so that you can
eventually look at those traumas and you know,
515
00:23:55,034 --> 00:23:55,514
hey.
516
00:23:55,755 --> 00:23:56,154
I...
517
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:58,219
I'm a safe person.
518
00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:01,419
Ways that you don't know you're safe...
519
00:24:01,419 --> 00:24:02,539
So you're gonna see...
520
00:24:05,899 --> 00:24:08,299
So for instance, like, if you are way...
521
00:24:08,299 --> 00:24:09,339
This is a way that...
522
00:24:09,419 --> 00:24:14,115
One simple way to know, like, if depending on
your attachment style, if you feel safe.
523
00:24:14,115 --> 00:24:15,714
So if you're someone that's like...
524
00:24:16,275 --> 00:24:21,154
If you receive a text message or a call or
something and you instantly have to write back
525
00:24:21,154 --> 00:24:29,079
to them because you're afraid they're gonna be
mad or you're afraid, oh, like, I didn't
526
00:24:29,079 --> 00:24:29,640
respond.
527
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,920
Like, what if...
528
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,919
Or you're waiting for a response back.
529
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,519
No one's responding to me.
530
00:24:34,519 --> 00:24:35,240
What's going on?
531
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,399
You're afraid to make your own decisions.
532
00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:39,720
You're afraid to set the boundaries.
533
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,480
These are all kind of, like, simple tell...
534
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,104
Like, you are just afraid to trust yourself.
535
00:24:44,664 --> 00:24:50,584
And I feel like a lot of times, we don't even
realize that we don't feel safe until you start
536
00:24:50,585 --> 00:24:56,024
really feeling in your body asking, what does
safety mean to me?
537
00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:57,890
What does that feel like?
538
00:24:57,890 --> 00:25:00,049
And it's gonna feel different for everybody.
539
00:25:00,049 --> 00:25:03,089
And when you start looking at where you...
540
00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:08,369
With who you feel safe with and what situations
you feel safe with, that's when it's like you
541
00:25:08,369 --> 00:25:11,890
see a bigger picture of how much you actually
don't feel safe.
542
00:25:15,355 --> 00:25:16,075
Oh, yeah.
543
00:25:16,075 --> 00:25:17,035
So true.
544
00:25:17,275 --> 00:25:27,269
Could you give our listeners one simple somatic
exercise that they can use it every time when
545
00:25:27,269 --> 00:25:29,989
they notice themselves becoming triggered.
546
00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:39,109
So one simple thing I like to say is listen to
what your trigger is saying, but listen to it
547
00:25:39,109 --> 00:25:42,835
like you were speaking to a friend or a loved
one.
548
00:25:42,835 --> 00:25:43,555
So if someone...
549
00:25:43,555 --> 00:25:47,875
If I came to you and I was like, I don't know
what to do with this and, like, da da da da,
550
00:25:47,875 --> 00:25:50,994
like, whatever the situation is, would...
551
00:25:50,994 --> 00:25:55,075
Like, how would you respond to somebody else
saying these things to you?
552
00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:01,559
Would you get mad at them, or would you just
listen and try to help them work through it?
553
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:02,679
So once some...
554
00:26:02,679 --> 00:26:04,279
So it's just listening.
555
00:26:04,279 --> 00:26:08,200
It doesn't mean that you have to give weight to
what that voice is saying.
556
00:26:08,519 --> 00:26:13,654
It's listening to what they're saying and why
they're saying it.
557
00:26:14,054 --> 00:26:18,054
Because it often is coming down to, I don't
feel safe.
558
00:26:18,054 --> 00:26:23,095
When you really start to listen like, oh, I
don't know if I should accept this job because,
559
00:26:23,799 --> 00:26:27,319
you know, I have a job right now, and what if
it's...
560
00:26:27,559 --> 00:26:28,839
What if?
561
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,920
And you start going off on the what ifs.
562
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,599
And so when you start listening to it, it's
coming down to fear.
563
00:26:34,839 --> 00:26:36,039
You don't feel safe.
564
00:26:36,039 --> 00:26:41,785
So start just listening and not judging, not
trying to fix it.
565
00:26:41,785 --> 00:26:43,384
It's just simple listening.
566
00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:45,304
Yeah.
567
00:26:45,304 --> 00:26:49,304
So people listen to themselves and they
understand they they have fear.
568
00:26:49,304 --> 00:26:50,664
So what is the next step?
569
00:26:51,529 --> 00:26:54,169
So after you, like, listen and you start having
fear, it's...
570
00:26:54,169 --> 00:26:55,210
Then you can kind of...
571
00:26:55,210 --> 00:26:56,889
Where is this fear coming from?
572
00:26:57,690 --> 00:26:59,690
What what is it that I'm actually afraid of?
573
00:26:59,690 --> 00:27:02,889
And often, it is often I don't feel safe in
this situation.
574
00:27:02,889 --> 00:27:04,169
I don't feel safe in my body.
575
00:27:04,169 --> 00:27:08,384
And that's when you can start to do small
things to show up to...
576
00:27:08,384 --> 00:27:12,784
For yourself to make yourself feel safer.
577
00:27:12,945 --> 00:27:13,265
So...
578
00:27:13,265 --> 00:27:17,744
And and I always say, like, pick something you
can do no matter what.
579
00:27:18,559 --> 00:27:19,920
Something that it it...
580
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,279
Like, such a tiny thing.
581
00:27:21,279 --> 00:27:27,200
Like, I'm going to drink more water in a day,
and you set an amount.
582
00:27:27,599 --> 00:27:28,319
And that way...
583
00:27:28,319 --> 00:27:30,880
Like, you can never make an excuse why you
can't drink water.
584
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:35,375
Like, don't set these goals that are, I'm gonna
lose 20 pounds, or I'm gonna stop drinking or
585
00:27:35,375 --> 00:27:35,855
smoking.
586
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:42,335
It's something really little, or I'm gonna make
sure I have two snacks and the three meals in a
587
00:27:42,335 --> 00:27:42,815
day.
588
00:27:42,815 --> 00:27:45,855
Like, setting tiny goals.
589
00:27:46,575 --> 00:27:54,489
Because when we start showing up and we do it
in these small, consistent, little baby steps,
590
00:27:54,569 --> 00:27:56,250
it builds up bigger trust.
591
00:27:56,250 --> 00:28:01,450
And then, eventually, these small, consistent
baby steps, you add other things, and then
592
00:28:01,450 --> 00:28:07,085
you're able to accomplish so much more, you
feel safer because you're saying, hey.
593
00:28:07,085 --> 00:28:08,045
I can do this.
594
00:28:08,045 --> 00:28:09,644
I can trust myself.
595
00:28:11,884 --> 00:28:12,445
Yes.
596
00:28:12,445 --> 00:28:12,845
Okay.
597
00:28:12,845 --> 00:28:13,484
Great.
598
00:28:13,644 --> 00:28:16,845
So let's make this, very practical.
599
00:28:17,085 --> 00:28:19,289
Imagine someone gets triggered.
600
00:28:19,289 --> 00:28:23,849
Perhaps they feel rejected, criticized,
abandoned, or ignored.
601
00:28:24,409 --> 00:28:28,089
And they immediately fall into an old reaction.
602
00:28:28,569 --> 00:28:28,809
Mhmm.
603
00:28:28,809 --> 00:28:35,555
What can they do in that exact moment to
interrupt that automatic pattern rather than
604
00:28:35,555 --> 00:28:38,994
letting it control what happens next?
605
00:28:40,115 --> 00:28:44,515
So I think that if you fall into a old pattern,
that's okay.
606
00:28:44,674 --> 00:28:53,150
And you need to acknowledge it's an old pattern
and saying, I'm acknowledging that I am
607
00:28:54,350 --> 00:28:59,789
reacting from a place that I'm working out of,
and it's okay to react from here.
608
00:29:00,350 --> 00:29:01,309
And how can...
609
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:06,184
Like, listening to what's coming up because
it's often coming up because you haven't been
610
00:29:06,184 --> 00:29:06,904
listening.
611
00:29:07,625 --> 00:29:12,265
So the the the old trigger is resurfacing
because another part of you isn't safe because
612
00:29:12,265 --> 00:29:14,984
you haven't been listening, and you don't feel
safe there.
613
00:29:15,409 --> 00:29:16,529
So when you...
614
00:29:16,849 --> 00:29:17,890
It's it's it's...
615
00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:19,970
Again, it's acknowledging, this is where I am
right now.
616
00:29:19,970 --> 00:29:23,970
It doesn't mean I'm gonna be there forever, and
it doesn't mean I've lost all of the work
617
00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:25,809
because you haven't lost all the work.
618
00:29:25,809 --> 00:29:30,044
And just sitting and acknowledging that one
spot is, okay.
619
00:29:30,044 --> 00:29:35,724
I'm I'm here, and what are things I can do
differently?
620
00:29:37,164 --> 00:29:41,804
And, sometimes you have to kinda unravel
yourself a little bit to get to that point.
621
00:29:41,804 --> 00:29:43,509
But when you do...
622
00:29:43,509 --> 00:29:49,190
When you are able to come to the spot where
you're like, oh, I reacted in the same way I
623
00:29:49,190 --> 00:29:51,269
did, starting to say, okay.
624
00:29:51,269 --> 00:29:53,349
What what was different?
625
00:29:53,670 --> 00:29:55,109
What wasn't I listening to?
626
00:29:55,109 --> 00:29:57,109
What was I not allowing myself to feel?
627
00:30:01,214 --> 00:30:01,694
Great.
628
00:30:01,694 --> 00:30:09,694
So, can you walk us through the process step by
step from recognizing the trigger to choosing a
629
00:30:09,694 --> 00:30:10,575
different response?
630
00:30:11,990 --> 00:30:12,309
Yeah.
631
00:30:12,309 --> 00:30:14,789
So, like, if you're recognizing a trigger,
it's...
632
00:30:14,789 --> 00:30:18,069
I mean, sometimes you're gonna recognize it in
the middle.
633
00:30:18,470 --> 00:30:23,110
Sometimes you're gonna recognize it afterwards
and that wherever you recognize it is an okay
634
00:30:23,110 --> 00:30:23,590
place.
635
00:30:23,590 --> 00:30:27,214
So it's simply saying, you know, oh, okay.
636
00:30:27,214 --> 00:30:28,575
I am being...
637
00:30:28,575 --> 00:30:30,254
Why am I being triggered here?
638
00:30:30,654 --> 00:30:34,494
When you finally come to the point of, like,
you've recognized it's what's being triggered
639
00:30:34,494 --> 00:30:43,000
inside of me, and then stopping and listening
to yourself on what is being triggered.
640
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,559
Why are you feeling this way?
641
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,359
It doesn't necessarily have to make sense.
642
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:53,545
It's allowing that part of you to tell the
story of what's going on.
643
00:30:53,545 --> 00:30:57,944
Just like I said, you're listening to without
trying to fix.
644
00:30:58,505 --> 00:31:00,585
Oh, I feel this way because I'm scared.
645
00:31:00,585 --> 00:31:03,305
I feel this way because I can't control it.
646
00:31:03,305 --> 00:31:05,960
Control is another big thing that comes to when
we...
647
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,839
We wanna control things so that we feel safe so
we know the outcome.
648
00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:12,119
So when we can't control, we get angry.
649
00:31:12,119 --> 00:31:15,240
We get anxious, and those are big trigger wars.
650
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:16,984
So then you're going to react differently.
651
00:31:16,984 --> 00:31:20,025
If if, you're not sure what's happening, you
might be snap...
652
00:31:20,025 --> 00:31:25,144
Like snap at somebody and, or even at yourself
or just get angry.
653
00:31:25,625 --> 00:31:31,250
And it's really listening to what that trigger
is trying to tell you that's deeper.
654
00:31:31,250 --> 00:31:31,650
And it...
655
00:31:31,650 --> 00:31:31,970
It's...
656
00:31:31,970 --> 00:31:34,690
Most of the time, it's something with your
safety.
657
00:31:34,690 --> 00:31:39,410
And so when you're not feeling safe, then how
can I make my?
658
00:31:39,410 --> 00:31:39,809
Feel...
659
00:31:39,809 --> 00:31:43,089
Why aren't I feeling safe, and how can I make
myself feel safe?
660
00:31:44,014 --> 00:31:45,534
And kind of relying on that.
661
00:31:45,534 --> 00:31:49,134
And if you don't know how to make yourself feel
safe at first, that is totally okay.
662
00:31:49,134 --> 00:31:51,134
It's because you haven't built up that trust.
663
00:31:51,214 --> 00:31:53,214
But that trust can be built up.
664
00:31:53,214 --> 00:31:56,095
It's just going to take a lot of little baby
steps.
665
00:31:56,095 --> 00:32:01,710
Like I spoke about starting to do consistent
small things for yourself is, like, the the the
666
00:32:01,710 --> 00:32:07,150
best way and listening to yourself to build up
that consistency and trust so that the
667
00:32:07,150 --> 00:32:13,494
triggers, and it's gonna take a little while,
like, also giving yourself that grace that I'm
668
00:32:13,494 --> 00:32:15,095
not gonna be able to change this overnight.
669
00:32:15,095 --> 00:32:15,494
It's...
670
00:32:15,494 --> 00:32:20,134
I've spent a lifetime building up this defense
mechanism.
671
00:32:20,775 --> 00:32:24,694
Not that it's gonna take a lifetime to undo it,
but it is gonna take a little bit of time.
672
00:32:26,990 --> 00:32:27,470
Yeah.
673
00:32:27,470 --> 00:32:28,429
So true.
674
00:32:28,909 --> 00:32:33,950
Megan, your work brings psychology and
spirituality together.
675
00:32:34,669 --> 00:32:42,505
Where do practices such as meditation, Reiki,
intuition, and spiritual exploration fit into
676
00:32:42,505 --> 00:32:43,305
healing?
677
00:32:43,545 --> 00:32:50,744
And how can someone use spirituality as a
support for growth rather than as a way of
678
00:32:50,825 --> 00:32:55,545
avoiding difficult emotions or unresolved
patterns?
679
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:03,039
So, I feel like spirituality, however that
looks for you, it's gonna look different for
680
00:33:03,039 --> 00:33:03,679
everybody.
681
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:10,000
It's finding what works best for you and
trusting that.
682
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:15,174
So if you are somebody that talks to God, rely
in the trust for God.
683
00:33:15,174 --> 00:33:19,015
If you're someone that talks to your spirit
guides, rely in in that.
684
00:33:19,015 --> 00:33:28,170
And, once you kind of find what works for you,
it's allowing that part of you to kind of open
685
00:33:28,170 --> 00:33:31,450
up and give the faith and the trust into that.
686
00:33:31,450 --> 00:33:36,410
And I and I think, like, if you're going
through a spiritual awakening, a lot of times,
687
00:33:36,410 --> 00:33:38,090
you know, they look so different.
688
00:33:38,090 --> 00:33:41,845
When I look at the different spiritual
awakenings I've had throughout my journey,
689
00:33:42,244 --> 00:33:45,044
they've looked different from, like, everyone.
690
00:33:45,045 --> 00:33:50,325
And it's just trusting that if you are opening
to that, that it is because something greater
691
00:33:50,325 --> 00:33:51,365
is coming for you.
692
00:33:51,365 --> 00:33:57,890
And it is learning to have faith and the trust,
which is hard when you don't feel safe, but it
693
00:33:57,890 --> 00:33:58,930
is it is...
694
00:33:58,930 --> 00:34:02,930
It's kind of learning to lean into the unknown.
695
00:34:02,930 --> 00:34:08,050
And at and at certain points, the unknown is
not just going to be, like, your higher beliefs
696
00:34:08,050 --> 00:34:11,914
and spirituality, whether it's God or your
guides or whoever.
697
00:34:12,235 --> 00:34:14,875
It's also gonna be that faith in yourself.
698
00:34:15,994 --> 00:34:16,954
And I...
699
00:34:16,954 --> 00:34:20,555
That it's learning that faith that I can trust
myself.
700
00:34:20,795 --> 00:34:24,875
And if I can trust myself, I can trust the
universe or whoever.
701
00:34:28,929 --> 00:34:29,329
Yes.
702
00:34:29,329 --> 00:34:33,889
For someone listening who has been working on
themselves for
703
00:34:33,889 --> 00:34:34,369
years
704
00:34:34,609 --> 00:34:34,849
Mhmm.
705
00:34:34,849 --> 00:34:40,530
But still feel stuck, what would you encourage
them to focus on first?
706
00:34:43,304 --> 00:34:44,105
I would...
707
00:34:45,465 --> 00:34:51,545
Oftentimes, if people feel stuck, sometimes
it's because they're trying to push something,
708
00:34:51,945 --> 00:34:54,184
and they have one expectation.
709
00:34:55,699 --> 00:34:56,659
And sometime...
710
00:34:56,659 --> 00:34:58,819
And it's, you were speaking about this earlier.
711
00:34:58,819 --> 00:35:00,260
Hindsight is always twenty twenty.
712
00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:02,420
Like, and we don't always see the full picture.
713
00:35:02,980 --> 00:35:08,099
And so if we're really feeling stuck, it's what
can I work on?
714
00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:11,865
What are the tiny changes I can make?
715
00:35:12,184 --> 00:35:15,305
So maybe I can't change my financial situation
overnight.
716
00:35:15,305 --> 00:35:17,865
I can't change my romantic relationship
overnight.
717
00:35:18,105 --> 00:35:21,065
But what is something I do have control of?
718
00:35:21,144 --> 00:35:24,265
And you always have control of yourself and how
you react.
719
00:35:25,119 --> 00:35:25,760
So if...
720
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:26,320
Even if...
721
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:32,000
And I and I get I have felt stuck so many times
on my journey, so I get that feeling of stuck.
722
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:40,415
It's like you want to do something, and
sometimes I have been humbled in learning that
723
00:35:40,735 --> 00:35:46,735
sometimes the thing that you need to do is just
sit back and allow and be in a place to receive
724
00:35:46,735 --> 00:35:49,934
or be in a place to trust.
725
00:35:49,934 --> 00:35:55,190
And that's a really hard lesson to learn, and
you will not be stuck forever.
726
00:35:55,589 --> 00:35:56,150
I promise.
727
00:35:56,150 --> 00:35:58,150
Like, you are on whatever journey.
728
00:35:58,150 --> 00:35:59,429
Nothing is stagnant.
729
00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:03,989
If you are feeling super stuck, and even if
you've been super stuck for a long time,
730
00:36:04,070 --> 00:36:05,750
doesn't mean there's no hope.
731
00:36:05,909 --> 00:36:06,869
There's always...
732
00:36:06,869 --> 00:36:08,630
It will work itself out eventually.
733
00:36:10,445 --> 00:36:10,844
Yeah.
734
00:36:10,844 --> 00:36:11,644
Thank you.
735
00:36:11,644 --> 00:36:15,724
Thank you, Megan, for this, conversation.
736
00:36:15,724 --> 00:36:22,285
And, if there would be one advice which you
would like people to take away with them from
737
00:36:22,285 --> 00:36:23,139
this conversation?
738
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:27,539
Maybe something that we didn't discuss yet, but
you know this is very important and you would
739
00:36:27,539 --> 00:36:28,500
like them to hear.
740
00:36:28,500 --> 00:36:29,699
What would be that?
741
00:36:30,500 --> 00:36:31,699
You know, I would...
742
00:36:31,699 --> 00:36:38,755
I really encourage people to listen to
themselves and start to build that trust in
743
00:36:38,755 --> 00:36:45,635
themselves and that safety in themselves
because it is all about you and how you
744
00:36:46,355 --> 00:36:49,635
perceive yourself that's going to get you
wherever you need to go.
745
00:36:49,635 --> 00:36:55,730
And if you have a great way of looking at
things, you're gonna...
746
00:36:56,050 --> 00:37:00,849
It's gonna change your circumstance, but also
allowing yourself to feel everything.
747
00:37:01,250 --> 00:37:04,929
And so you can't always stay high vibrational
and in one direction.
748
00:37:04,929 --> 00:37:08,454
You have to let yourself have the polarity of
everything.
749
00:37:08,454 --> 00:37:13,574
So just letting yourself feel whatever it is
you need to feel whenever it is that you need
750
00:37:13,574 --> 00:37:16,454
to feel it and then moving forward from there.
751
00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:19,969
This is such
752
00:37:19,969 --> 00:37:21,409
a great reminder.
753
00:37:21,809 --> 00:37:22,130
Yeah.
754
00:37:22,130 --> 00:37:28,769
So I think that one of the most important ideas
from this conversation is that sometimes we
755
00:37:28,769 --> 00:37:33,089
don't need another book, another technique, or
more information.
756
00:37:34,144 --> 00:37:36,625
We need to understand the pattern under...
757
00:37:36,625 --> 00:37:45,025
And beneath, right, our behavior, which created
this, and create enough safety to respond
758
00:37:45,025 --> 00:37:45,585
differently.
759
00:37:46,679 --> 00:37:50,519
Thank you, Megan, for sharing your insights and
your experience.
760
00:37:50,679 --> 00:37:54,280
And people who are listening to us, they...
761
00:37:54,280 --> 00:38:01,319
You can find how to follow Megan in the
description, her links to her social media
762
00:38:01,319 --> 00:38:02,039
website.
763
00:38:02,894 --> 00:38:09,695
And, of course, follow Megan, and, you can also
ask questions here below this video.
764
00:38:09,775 --> 00:38:15,614
Share this link with somebody who you think
about, who might benefit from this
765
00:38:15,614 --> 00:38:16,175
conversation.
766
00:38:16,869 --> 00:38:19,510
Subscribe to mindset to results podcast.
767
00:38:19,909 --> 00:38:21,109
And, yes.
768
00:38:21,109 --> 00:38:29,190
And, if someone in your life keeps asking why
do I keep doing this, yeah, share this episode
769
00:38:29,190 --> 00:38:29,670
with them.
770
00:38:29,954 --> 00:38:34,994
And, Megan, again, thank you so much for being
an amazing guest, and I'm looking forward to
771
00:38:34,994 --> 00:38:37,075
see you again in our future episodes.
772
00:38:37,394 --> 00:38:38,275
Thank you so much.
773
00:38:38,275 --> 00:38:39,394
I really appreciate it.
774
00:38:39,394 --> 00:38:40,515
You have a great day.
775
00:38:40,914 --> 00:38:41,555
You too.
