Hard Conversations

WEBVTT
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This week's Life Note. Hard conversations. Sometimes we just really need to have them.
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Music.
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Welcome to Life Notes from Chair 17, a podcast dedicated to sharing life stories,
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Alrighty, welcome back in, friends, to another episode of Live Notes from Chair
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17. I'm your host, C.H., and I thank you once again for finding me in this corner
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So this episode, called Hard Conversations,
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and I have to say that this episode has been on my content calendar list of
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episodes to record for probably over a year.
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It was one of the first ones that was very easy for me to put down on my list
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of things that I thought would make good episodes because I think in terms of
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life journeys and things that we obviously learn or lessons,
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maybe some wisdoms we gain, some of those have probably come from hard conversations.
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But it actually has come up kind of recently, I think, within my own day-to-day.
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It's both in a personal sense but also in a work sense.
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And so no better time than the present to finally get around to talking about
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it and kind of what it means to me and how I had to learn about it and how I've
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tried to approach having them.
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And kind of like the phrase seems to suggest, hard conversations,
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these are conversations that we know we need to have,
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but they're probably going to be difficult,
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maybe emotionally difficult maybe mentally difficult there could be a range
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of reasons why they are difficult and they can be both from a maybe you're having
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a really hard time at work.
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And the people that you're working with, or there is sort of unspoken disagreement
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or conflict, or just it's not flowing the way that it should,
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and there is a sense we all need to get in a room and talk about it.
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Maybe that is also something that is occurring in your personal sphere.
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It could be maybe with friends or friendships. It could be within a family structure.
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It could be in either sphere, right? So work professional sphere or we'll call it personal sphere.
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And the way that the term hard conversations came to me was actually several
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years ago in a working environment.
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It was as I was really leaning into my day job, or I think I would probably
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say really getting into the groove of becoming a project manager.
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And I was in a meeting with someone. The person goes, sounds like we need to
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have a hard conversation.
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And I thought, hard conversation? I like that term.
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For reference, it was not directed at me. This was more of a,
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we were kind of having, I think, an assessment of where we were in the project
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and sort of where people were at the stages of work they needed to be doing
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and kind of the partnerships going on and the stakeholders and all this other sort of stuff.
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And I remember my co-teammate said that phrase, I think we need to have a hard conversation.
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And it's one of those things, you know, when you kind of file it away and go,
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I'm going to remember that term.
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I like that because it's a way in which to, I would say, gently but firmly put
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out into the space that you're probably going to need to have the conversation with.
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That's not going to maybe make people not want to have the conversation, right?
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There's the word hard at the beginning of the phrase, which suggests maybe we're
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at a place where we're not agreeing,
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or we're at a place where we don't see eye to eye, or we need to—you have one
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point of view, I have a different point of view.
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But then the second part of the phrase, conversation, is a more open word, I would argue.
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And it is inviting a discussion and a coming together to talk about it,
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even if it might be difficult.
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And I think that's why I like that term.
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And so we did ultimately have a hard conversation for this project,
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and it was pretty intense, but it got us to where we needed to be.
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It got us to move forward.
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We got past some of our quote-unquote blockers or the things that were causing
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the friction amongst the team and the teamwork, and we got there.
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And I've kept that conversation.
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Pretty much since I first heard that phrase, which is probably going on,
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I would say, at least 10 years now.
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And I've used it a lot in a working sense, because again, day-to-day as a project
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manager, your job, part of the job, is you have to resolve conflict, right?
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You are tasked with directing something from start to finish,
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getting the work across the finish line, making sure all the folks that are
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supporting the work are doing what they need to do.
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They're supported in the way they need to be supported.
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You also are managing expectations of stakeholders and unexpected,
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let's say, changes or asks or maybe things that could derail your team to get the work done.
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There's just a litany of things that as a PM, project manager,
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you are in the hot seat four.
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This is why I often refer to project management as air traffic control.
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So you're this central person that is monitoring all of these things going on, like at an airport.
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There's planes taking off. There's planes landing. There's planes flying through the airspace.
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There's planes taxiing. There's planes waiting for clearance to take off on the runway.
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A very organized sense of multiple disciplines happening in multiple spaces,
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moving at multiple speeds to ultimately be successful in a delivery of something.
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In case of, you know, aircraft and airplanes and travel, we're trying to get
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people from point A to point B.
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We're trying to do that in a way that isn't going to see lots of delays or have, unfortunate,
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a really bad accident, which we never want or you
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know having planes confused and they don't know where they need to
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go when they land not saying that some of
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these things don't happen but the idea is that there is someone sort of centrally
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kind of trying to keep that traffic control in an organized way and get in front
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of being able to identify if something is going to be a problem or.
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A conflict we would say in in the way that i'm
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referring to hard conversations and kind of
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the role that a pm would play to have those hard conversations with
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project team members or stakeholders or whatnot
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but what i've learned is that not
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everyone wants to have them
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so what i mean by that is you
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can be the person that recognizes
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the need to have it but when
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you say it out loud whether it is in a working environment
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or a personal environment people if they are not comfortable with conflict if
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they're not comfortable with confrontation if they're not comfortable kind of
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okay we got to get in a room and kind of work through this they just kind of
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go blank or they get sort of, oh,
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what does that mean, hard conversation?
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I'm, hmm, that sounds kind of scary. And I've had that too, where.
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You know, you're in a meeting or you're maybe not in a meeting,
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but you're in a situation where you say the phrase or I say the phrase,
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I think we're probably going to need to have a hard conversation.
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And you'll see people nod and you'll see people go, yeah, that sounds right.
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But they don't want to initiate it. They don't want to start it.
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They don't want to take ownership to go and plan to have it.
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And what that has helped teach me is.
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As if I'm calling out the obvious, but I'm also bringing it to the surface in
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a way that is sort of that saying of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, right?
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If I don't see it, if I don't hear it, if I don't speak it, then it must not exist.
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Or if I just pretend that it isn't a problem, then the problem will go away.
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We have a funny saying as well, my good friend Cindy and I, we call this ostrich
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syndrome, where you stick your head in the sand and you just pretend.
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That nothing is, you know, everything's fine, everything sunsets and rainbows,
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and if I just ignore it, it will just somehow magically resolve itself.
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And I'm sure there are many of you out there know and have experienced that
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doesn't generally go very well.
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When it doesn't get resolved, it just festers, and it just kind of sits there,
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and there's something that reminds you every so often.
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This is still not resolved, and it still needs to be addressed,
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and it still needs to be dealt with.
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And you can kind of distract yourself in a way with other things that will tell you,
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ah, no, everything's fine, but then something comes back up,
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and something rises out of the sand, where even if you are the ostrich,
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and you've got your head in the sand a little bit further away from there,
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it comes and taps you on the leg and goes, ah,
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nope, sorry, haven't quite resolved this. You still need to deal.
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And as I've gotten older, I find that I am more willing to have those conversations.
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I think when I was younger, I was not.
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And it was for various reasons. I would say that I was always a direct person.
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Those of you who have listening and who actually know me in real life know that
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I can be very direct and forward, but not in a rude way,
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just I'm okay bringing up things that maybe other folks aren't used to bringing up or talking about.
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I've had people tell me that I create a space of safety or they feel comfortable
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in telling me things that they would not tell anybody else,
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and I really take that to heart and appreciate that I, in just how I am,
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that I somehow allow folks to feel they can open up or they can talk or they can share.
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And in learning this as I've gotten older and in kind of embracing,
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I would maybe call myself the hard conversation whisperer, I don't know,
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I've taken that feedback, and I use it very importantly,
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or keenly, I would say, when I go in to have these hard conversations.
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I'm not in there to...
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Berate people or yell at people or
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make it a hostile environment
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because at that point you're not actually going
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to get to the core of whatever the issue is
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or the core of whatever the discussion needs to be people are just going to
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put their guard up they're going to get defensive nobody's going to talk people
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are going to get maybe feelings are going to be hurt or people are just not
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the the goal of the conversation is going to be immediately be kind of shot to heck right?
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You've essentially, everybody has not felt as if the space is safe and you can
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have the conversation and you can move forward from there.
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And this goes for whether or not you're having this in a working environment
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or a personal environment. It's not always easy.
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I think it's sometimes even harder to have it in a personal environment or within
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a family environment or within a where you really,
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really are close to the person because a lot of additional emotions and feelings
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get involved and they can be easily hurt or they can be easily maybe offended.
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And what I would say to that is it still is important to try to have the conversation
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because what I've gotten to at this point in my life is if I have at least tried
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to have the conversation,
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identified why we need to have it from the get-go or the outset,
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we need to have a hard conversation about X, Y, Z, and I have at least put my
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foot forward, my best foot forward to have that conversation,
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then I have done what I believe I can do to try to move us to next,
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as I love to use this phrase,
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move us to next, or as I learned another phrase that I loved,
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back at the same job where I learned the hard conversation conversation, a path forward, right?
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There is a path forward, or at least by having the hard conversation,
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we are trying to find the path forward.
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It doesn't mean it's always going to go well, and it doesn't mean that it's
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always going to get resolved or that you are going to come out and it will be
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all sunsets and rainbows.
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But an effort has been made to get there, And an effort has been made to at
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least have the communication, to create the space,
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to have the conversation, to talk about something that's difficult,
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and with the hope and the good intent of moving on from there.
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But if it doesn't work out, and the conversation doesn't end in the way everyone
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maybe had hoped, or maybe if you were the instigator of the conversation,
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as I often am, and it doesn't end up where it needs to end up,
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sometimes that is a closure moment.
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In a work situation, it's probably a little bit different because you oftentimes
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are trying to find a solution for a piece of work that has to either get done or, again,
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in my case, a project that needs to get to be done.
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So there has to be some kind of resolution that comes out of the conversation.
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Sometimes, though, in a family or friendship situation, that doesn't always occur.
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You might be trying to resolve a conflict within a family situation or a friend
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situation or talk about something that really bothers you or has been bothering
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you, and it doesn't resolve.
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It stays unresolved.
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But you made the effort, and you tried.
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And there is a way sometimes in a hard conversation, which I've had recently,
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too, where I've had to kind of put to someone, listen,
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hey, this is not kind of what I'm expecting us to be.
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And if you are not okay with kind of what we feel we need to be to each other,
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you have a different feeling about it than I do.
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That's okay. hey, I don't wish you any ill will.
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I think then we just need to, you know, gently part ways here and go on and go forth and prosper.
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And at least we talked about it and we got to a good place about it.
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And we don't essentially leave each other to be angry or resentful or hurt or something.
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I have spent too much time in my life where that has been true because I did
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grow up in a family where we just didn't talk about stuff.
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And we sure as heck didn't talk about stuff that was really not appropriate
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family behavior, where there was a lot of shouting and yelling and anger and things.
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Like, no, not okay. And I often think about myself today and how I would have
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been a much different participant in that back then,
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trying to actually stop it from happening.
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Call people out on their BS, get people to a table, and be direct with what
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in the world is going on here.
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I really sometimes wish I could go back and tell my teenage girl self that you
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will get to a place where you will find your voice and you will know how to use it,
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and you will not create situations where people do not feel like they can also
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express their opinion in a respectful way or and non-anger way.
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Love to tell her that, but alas, I digress.
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It's still okay that you try to have the conversation if it doesn't even,
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if it doesn't resolve itself in the way that you hope.
00:19:33.166 --> 00:19:40.026
Because a lot, I would say almost 80% of it is initially putting the time together
00:19:40.026 --> 00:19:49.246
to have it and finding a way in which to have it be okay within you,
00:19:49.446 --> 00:19:53.006
but also okay within either the group or the other person.
00:19:53.286 --> 00:19:59.266
And coming to either that agreement or that new path forward,
00:19:59.486 --> 00:20:02.766
or also just allowing closure.
00:20:03.286 --> 00:20:12.386
In my opinion, a hard conversation can lead to both. and it can lead to a type of resolution.
00:20:13.517 --> 00:20:19.657
That can be helpful, whether it is on a path or closing a chapter.
00:20:19.917 --> 00:20:24.057
And so if you take anything away from this episode about,
00:20:24.637 --> 00:20:31.237
is there something in your life right now that maybe you probably need to have
00:20:31.237 --> 00:20:32.677
that hard conversation about,
00:20:32.897 --> 00:20:37.217
think about it for a little bit and think about how maybe to bring that person
00:20:37.217 --> 00:20:44.597
to the table to create the safe space to have the conversation about whatever it is,
00:20:44.857 --> 00:20:52.097
and also to trust in yourself and in what you want to say.
00:20:52.457 --> 00:21:00.077
And if it doesn't end up being a path forward, you at least have potentially
00:21:00.077 --> 00:21:04.257
created resolution and a chapter that closes.
00:21:04.277 --> 00:21:06.837
And then you move on from there.
00:21:07.017 --> 00:21:11.697
Maybe it's not both of you or all of you moving on, but you can.
00:21:11.937 --> 00:21:20.577
And it doesn't sit unresolved for years at a time, which we're all guilty of, myself included.
00:21:21.037 --> 00:21:28.017
But it's something I'm trying to be better at, particularly as I get older,
00:21:28.017 --> 00:21:35.077
and also influenced highly by how I have to do this more regularly in a day-to-day job.
00:21:35.357 --> 00:21:41.297
I think it's actually made me better in my own personal life because I have
00:21:41.297 --> 00:21:44.637
to do it so much in my day-to-day job life.
00:21:45.017 --> 00:21:52.257
May not be true for you, and that's okay, but hard conversations are not something to be avoided,
00:21:52.257 --> 00:22:00.557
and they are something that can often get us to a better place if we have the courage to have them.
00:22:01.277 --> 00:22:04.877
And with that, as always, ask you to be kind to yourself.
00:22:05.017 --> 00:22:09.837
Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, and I will see you next time.
00:22:11.280 --> 00:22:31.178
Music.