When Behaviour Speaks

WEBVTT
00:00:01.199 --> 00:00:08.560
Hello, this is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist with some interesting background noises going on.
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:14.000
It's almost like setting the scene for something something dramatic.
00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:17.519
Not intentional, but nonetheless welcome.
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:25.440
This forthcoming series is entitled I Wish My Parents Would.
00:00:26.320 --> 00:00:34.640
And this introduction is about when the behavior becomes the child's voice.
00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:39.039
There are things children wish they could say to their parents.
00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:40.880
I wish you'd listen to me.
00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:43.759
I wish you'd stop asking me to choose.
00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:47.439
I wish you would notice me before I had to shout.
00:00:47.920 --> 00:00:50.560
I wish you would stop calling me difficult.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:53.439
That you would just let me be the child.
00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:59.840
And sometimes, perhaps most painfully, I wish you could love the child I actually am.
00:01:00.479 --> 00:01:06.480
And children don't necessarily think or say these things in a coherent way.
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:14.079
Because sometimes children just don't have the language, and sometimes the feelings themselves are too frightening.
00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:20.400
And sometimes children remain silent because they're frightened of what might happen if they tell their truth.
00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:23.840
They may fear upsetting a parent.
00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:26.959
They may worry that they won't be believed.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:32.400
They may have learned that certain subjects are not welcome within the family.
00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:37.840
Or they may feel responsible for protecting the very adults upon whom they depend.
00:01:38.480 --> 00:01:42.159
But what can't be put into words doesn't just disappear.
00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:44.239
It finds another way out.
00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:54.400
It may emerge as anger, defiance, or aggression, or it may be anxiety, withdrawal, dependency, or silence.
00:01:55.120 --> 00:02:06.640
A child may begin refusing school, struggling to sleep, complaining of unexpected aches and pains, or becoming increasingly controlling.
00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:14.560
Another may become remarkably compliant, helpful, undemanding, and apparently mature.
00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:18.400
That child might get praised for coping.
00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:26.960
But sometimes the child who causes no difficulty is the one working hardest to conceal it.
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:39.919
Behavior isn't a secret code in which every action has one simple meaning, nor should harmful or dangerous behaviors be overlooked merely because we're trying to understand them.
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:41.840
Children do need boundaries.
00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:46.479
They need adults to keep them safe and others safe.
00:02:46.800 --> 00:02:52.479
But a boundary is most effective when it's accompanied by curiosity.
00:02:52.800 --> 00:03:02.960
We need to be able to say the behavior can't continue, whilst also asking what might be happening inside this child.
00:03:03.840 --> 00:03:08.400
Too often, the first question asked is how do we stop the behavior?
00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:16.319
But actually, another question I think needs to come before it, and that is, what is the behavior trying to tell us?
00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:19.919
And that, of course, is something that I know a good deal about.
00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:32.639
And throughout my work as a child and adolescent psychotherapist, I've repeatedly seen how experiences that remain hidden elsewhere begin to emerge in the consulting room.
00:03:32.960 --> 00:03:48.240
They don't necessarily arrive as a clear expectation, and it's hardly likely that a child is going to sit down and say, I feel emotionally responsible for my parents, or I no longer trust a particular parent because their promises have been repeatedly broken.
00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:52.479
Instead, the child may tell a story.
00:03:52.879 --> 00:03:56.879
They may create a game in which somebody's always left behind.
00:03:57.280 --> 00:04:03.120
They may draw a family in which one person is missing, or they are very tiny.
00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:08.639
They may repeatedly change the rules of a game so that they can never lose.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:11.840
They may destroy something they've just made.
00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:16.240
They may become silent whenever a particular subject is mentioned.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:29.439
Or they may test the therapist, sometimes quite forcefully, to discover whether this adult would also become angry, withdraw, give up, or disappear.
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:37.920
But I think the important thing here is that within a sufficiently safe relationship, behavior gradually begins to acquire meaning.
00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:42.800
Because what we do is we see patterns, and those are evolving patterns.
00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:49.839
The child hopefully will discover that difficult feelings can be noticed without becoming catastrophic.
00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:59.199
Anger can be survived, sadness can be shared, and confusion doesn't have to be immediately resolved.
00:04:59.360 --> 00:05:18.240
I remember my on the ceiling girl, as I as I called her, that before she even put a foot across the threshold, she was swearing, complaining, loud, angry, and highly, highly emotionally volatile.
00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:21.680
And none of this behavior was directed towards me.
00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:23.439
It was around me.
00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:28.399
She brought with her everything that she'd been trying so hard to contain.
00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:33.600
And this would go on for a good 20 minutes, and I would listen and I would nod.
00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:39.600
And I would, I, I, I wouldn't ask questions, I wouldn't say anything, I just heard it.
00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:42.560
And little by little she would come down.
00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:45.199
I might just say, okay now.
00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:52.720
And then she would become, because I'd received everything without question, without correcting.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:06:00.879
And over the months, and it did take months, she didn't need to be on the ceiling, so to speak.
00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:08.399
She would arrive in a state that was much lower level, and she was able to think.
00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:13.680
When she arrived initially, she just wasn't able to think, it all came pouring out.
00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:28.560
And she learned, I think, that how she was, what she was experiencing could be both tolerated so that we could look at the meaning, what we what it was telling us.
00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:31.839
And I think that's what happens.
00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:41.519
Slowly, things that could only be demonstrated through acting out begin to become thought about.
00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:44.079
Eventually, it may even be spoken.
00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:46.959
And I think this is the purpose of the series.
00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:54.399
I wish my parents would attempt to bring the child's voice into the foreground.
00:06:54.800 --> 00:07:01.120
Now, each episode will begin with something a child might wish to say but cannot.
00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:04.959
And these voices will be composite and anonymized.
00:07:05.040 --> 00:07:14.079
They will not represent any one child, but they will reflect themes that have appeared repeatedly across many, many years of clinical work.
00:07:14.800 --> 00:07:22.959
And we'll look at the child who becomes increasingly loud because quieter attempts to be noticed have failed.
00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:30.480
The child caught between two parents who feels that loving one may be experienced as betraying the other.
00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:39.360
The child who stops talking because every feeling is met with advice, reassurance, or connection, sorry, correction or dismissal or denial.
00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:45.120
The child who has become known throughout the family as the difficult one.
00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:48.560
The child who no longer believes promises.
00:07:49.040 --> 00:08:10.800
And the child who has learned to take care of the adults, but also the child who fears that love depends upon being successful, compliant, or different from who they really are, only able to show that part of themselves that is in their experience deemed to be acceptable.
00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:14.399
I want to make something very clear at the outset.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:18.959
These episodes are not intended to blame parents.
00:08:19.519 --> 00:08:24.399
I've said so many times, and I'll say again, parents are not trained.
00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:26.319
Parents do their best.
00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:33.840
Most parents don't consciously set out to silence, burden, or emotionally confuse their children.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:38.320
They bring their own histories into family life just as we all do.
00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:44.320
But a child's distress may awaken a parent's guilt, helplessness, or fear.
00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:51.120
It may touch experiences from the parent's own childhood that were never really understood.
00:08:51.360 --> 00:08:55.440
And what looks like indifference may sometimes be emotional avoidance.
00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:59.360
What sounds like anger may conceal anxiety and fear.
00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:07.120
What appears to be excessive control may arise from a profound fear of losing control.
00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:13.279
Understanding this does not remove adult responsibility.
00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:16.240
And I think this is a really important distinction.
00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:18.879
Explanations are not excuses.
00:09:19.440 --> 00:09:22.480
The two things can coexist.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:29.039
If we can explain, then we can move beyond accusation and interchange.
00:09:29.600 --> 00:09:41.919
So the aim is not to identify a villain, it's to understand the relationship and to recognize the parents that keep both children and the parents trapped.
00:09:42.399 --> 00:09:46.799
Children don't need flawless parents, which is good because they don't exist.
00:09:47.600 --> 00:09:51.840
They need adults who are willing to remain curious and open.
00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:56.240
Adults who can sometimes pause before reacting.
00:09:56.480 --> 00:10:03.679
Adults who can consider that the behavior directed towards them may not be the whole story.
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:07.840
They also need adults who are able to repair after getting it wrong.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:16.000
And adults who can bear to hear something difficult without making the child feel responsible for their response.
00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:25.039
And I think perhaps the most important message in the series is that listening to a child involves a whole lot more than hearing the words.
00:10:25.519 --> 00:10:29.200
It means attending to changes in behavior.
00:10:29.440 --> 00:10:32.399
It means noticing what happens repeatedly.
00:10:32.720 --> 00:10:41.120
It means thinking about the child and what the child expresses through their body, play, relationships, and silence.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:48.080
It also means resisting the temptation to decide too quickly what the behavior means.
00:10:48.399 --> 00:11:00.000
Because very often, I'm reminded of something that I encountered some years ago, and I think it's still present even today.
00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:09.519
And it was apparently advice for mothers with newborn babies, and the babies had to learn to cope.
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:20.879
And so when they were crying, uh the the wise position would be let them cry, they will learn.
00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:23.919
They will learn what exactly.
00:11:24.159 --> 00:11:28.639
That they're attached to a family environment that might abandon them.
00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:32.720
The other one is if you give in, they will win.
00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:33.600
What?
00:11:34.159 --> 00:11:35.600
It makes no sense.
00:11:35.840 --> 00:11:40.240
And people come up with these kind of rationalizations because they just don't understand.
00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:44.320
I mean, actually, I think some of these things are well intended, they just don't make any sense.
00:11:44.559 --> 00:11:50.960
However, I think we have to remember certain things.
00:11:51.279 --> 00:11:59.440
A child who says I don't care may care so deeply that appearing indifferent has become their safest form of protection.
00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:05.600
Across the series, we're going to listen to what children may be communicating beneath the surface.
00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:15.120
And this isn't about excusing everything they do or about blaming parents, but to make the child's internal experience more visible.
00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:19.919
And we also have to look at the child's experience through the eyes of the child.
00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:24.799
If we look only through our eyes, we are missing huge amounts.
00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:36.240
You see, the thing is when behavior is understood only as a problem to be removed, the child becomes quieter without becoming better.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:41.440
Compliance can be mistaken for recovery, silence for calm.
00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:46.240
And the distress simply moves elsewhere, less visible.
00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:51.360
Every child is asking in one way or another, can you see me?
00:12:51.679 --> 00:12:53.679
Can you hear what I feel?
00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:58.080
You that that will you remain with me when I'm difficult to understand?
00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:03.039
And can you help me find the words for something I've only been able to show you?
00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:13.679
Children who cut themselves, children with eating disorders, most often have never been heard.
00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.120
They are restricted, they have no control.
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:23.919
That finds expression through self-harm, self-restriction, because that they can control.
00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:35.440
This is gonna be difficult, but every example I give is based on clinical and personal reality, the child's personal reality.
00:13:36.320 --> 00:13:39.519
So this is I wish my parents would.
00:13:51.759 --> 00:13:54.240
I'll be back with the first episode soon.
00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:55.759
Thank you for listening.