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From the outside, rest and numbing out can look exactly the same.
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Same stillness, same quiet, same hours disappearing.
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But what's happening underneath can be very different.
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Today, we're getting into how to tell the difference, not by judging what you're doing, but by getting curious about what it's actually doing for you.
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Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body.
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If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone.
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I've been there too.
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I'm Jane Pilger and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free.
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Each week you'll give the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body.
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Your breakthrough starts next.
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Hello, trusted listener.
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I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you're willing to look honestly at your own patterns without turning that honesty into another reason to be hard on yourself.
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For a long time, when what I actually needed was rest, I would end up eating instead.
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I can still hear myself saying it.
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And I would eat, and then I would keep eating.
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And what was supposed to be a snack before a nap would turn into two or more hours of eating.
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And the nap never happened at all.
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And for a long time, I thought that was just what my Mondays looked like, especially after a big weekend.
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Busy, worn out, alone in the house.
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I didn't understand what was happening or why it kept showing up in the same way on the same kind of day.
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What I understand now is that my body was asking for rest.
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But actual rest wasn't something I knew how to give myself then.
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Somewhere in between the asking and the doing, the message got tangled.
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I needed to stop.
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But what I did instead was eat.
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Now, last week on the podcast, I talked about why rest can feel uncomfortable instead of restorative and why that discomfort makes sense once you understand what's underneath it.
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Now, if you haven't listened yet, I'll put a link in the show notes.
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You can go back and listen to that one first, or you can keep listening to this one and then go back.
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Either way, both episodes are powerful if rest is a challenge for you.
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Now, this week, what we're going to do is we're going to go a layer deeper because there is a question that comes up once people start paying attention to their own rest.
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How do I know if what I'm actually doing is resting or if I'm just checking out?
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So when I say numbing or checking out, I mean something that you're doing primarily to turn the volume down on what you are feeling or thinking, or to create some distance from it for a while.
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You can't always tell just by looking at the activity, whether it is resting or numbing out.
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You have to look at what it is doing for you.
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So we tend to think of numbing as scrolling or watching the TV, getting lost in Netflix.
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For a lot of us, myself included, it's just as often food.
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So here's where I'm going to take you today.
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First, we're going to look at how similar rest and numbing can actually look from the outside.
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Then we're going to get into what the activity is actually doing for you, why numbing isn't automatically a problem, and how to recognize what you actually need.
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I'm also going to tell you about a recent Monday where I caught myself mid-pattern and what I did instead of eating.
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So let's start with how alike these two things can look.
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Rest and numbing can look identical from the outside.
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You're sitting on the couch, you're scrolling your phone, you're watching TV, maybe it's taking a nap, reading a book, time alone, and yeah, even eating food.
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There is no activity that you can point to, including food, and say, that one is always rest or that one is always numbing.
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The behavior itself doesn't carry the answer.
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For years, those Monday afternoons meant hours of eating that had nothing to do with hunger.
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It wasn't until I actually looked at what was happening, two hours of eating instead of the 30-minute nap I really needed that the truth of it became obvious.
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I hear this from clients often in all kinds of forms.
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Someone will tell me they spent the evening reading.
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And on one night, it was genuine rest.
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On another night, the exact same book in the exact same chair was a way of not having to think about a conversation they were dreading.
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Same book, same chair.
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Completely different thing happening underneath.
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So the activity alone does not automatically settle it.
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And either way, what matters most, it's not the activity itself.
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It's what that activity is actually doing for you.
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It's not the activity, it's the function.
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So here's what I have learned.
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Instead of judging the activity, ask what it's doing for you.
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What is this doing for me right now?
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Is it helping me recover?
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Is it giving me comfort?
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Is it giving me some distance from something that feels like too much?
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Is it helping me avoid something I don't want to feel or face right now?
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None of those answers are wrong.
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They're information.
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For me, on those old Mondays, the food was never about hunger.
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It wasn't about my willpower or control either.
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It was standing in for the rest I actually needed, but wasn't giving myself.
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I would eat and eat and nothing settled because eating wasn't actually meeting the need.
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But I also want to be really clear that numbing isn't automatically bad.
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Sometimes checking out is the exact amount of relief that someone has capacity for in that moment.
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Distraction isn't a failure.
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It might be the only tool available in that moment.
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And judging yourself for using it doesn't create more capacity.
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It just adds shame on top of whatever you were already trying to get away from.
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I don't look back at those Monday binges as some failure of willpower.
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Something in me needed something.
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I just didn't understand what it was yet or have another way to respond.
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And this matters because so much of what we're taught about behavior like this comes with a verdict attached.
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Numbing is weak.
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Rest is virtuous.
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But your nervous system doesn't care about the label.
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It is just trying to get you through whatever moment that you're in with whatever resources it has access to right then.
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Some days that will look like rest that actually restores you.
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Some days it'll look like checking out.
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And that's not a step backward.
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It's your system doing the best it can with what it has.
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So if numbing isn't the enemy, the more useful question becomes what you're actually needing underneath.
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What do I actually need?
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So once you stop asking, is this good or bad?
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and start asking, what is this doing for me?
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More information starts to become available.
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Maybe you need restoration.
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Maybe you need comfort.
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Maybe you need connection with another person.
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Maybe you need less input for a while.
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Maybe you need some distance from something that feels like too much right now.
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Or maybe something in your life feels too difficult to face head on.
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And distraction is giving you a break from it.
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None of those answers are wrong.
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They're information.
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And sometimes you won't even know exactly what you need.
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And that is information too.
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You don't have to perfectly decode every behavior or understand exactly what's happening underneath it before you can respond differently.
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You can respond with something very simple.
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What do I think I need right now?
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And then you can try something.
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Maybe it's an app.
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Maybe it's going outside.
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Maybe it's calling someone.
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Maybe it's watching a show.
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Maybe it's eating something.
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Maybe it's doing absolutely nothing for 10 minutes.
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Maybe it's looking at funny cat videos.
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And then instead of asking whether you chose the right thing, you can stay curious about what happened.
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Did that actually give me what I needed?
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And here's where the next part comes in.
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How do I know if it met the need?
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So I have a client right now who is working through this exact thing.
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When she tries to rest, she notices herself scanning for danger, checking mentally through everything that needs to be done, everything that needs fixing instead of actually settling.
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Now, the first phase of this work for her was simply giving herself permission to take intentional rest time at all.
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And that alone wasn't easy.
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And now she's starting to notice something different.
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Not everything that looks like rest actually gives her what she needs.
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This is where I want to make an important distinction.
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So the question is not as simple as do I feel better or worse afterward?
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Because numbing can make you feel better.
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It's part of why we do it.
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Sometimes a little distance or distraction is exactly what helps us get through a difficult moment.
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And genuine rest doesn't always make you immediately feel better either.
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Sometimes slowing down gives you enough quiet to finally notice just how tired you are, or how sad you are, or how much you have been carrying.
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So instead of using better or worse as the test, I think there's some more useful questions you can ask yourself.
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What did that give me?
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And what do I notice now?
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Do I feel a little more present, a little more available to myself or to whatever comes next?
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Do I have a little more capacity in my system?
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Or do I notice that I'm still reaching for more distance, more input, another episode, another scroll, more food?
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None of those answers make what you did good or bad.
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They are just giving you more information about what happened.
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So take something as simple as watching Netflix.
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You might watch an episode and realize afterward, that was exactly what I needed.
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I enjoyed it, I was present for it, and now I'm ready for whatever comes next.
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Or maybe three episodes later, you notice that you stopped enjoying it a while ago and you're reaching for the next one because you don't want to come back to whatever is waiting for you.
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It's not the number of episodes that tells you whether you're resting or numbing.
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It's not the couch or the TV or even how long you've been sitting there.
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It's getting curious about your relationship with what you're doing and what it is actually giving you.
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You can even check in while you are doing it.
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Does this still feel like it's giving me something I need?
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Am I enjoying this?
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Am I choosing to continue?
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Or do I feel like I need to keep going?
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Multiple sources of input can be another clue worth noticing, also.
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If you have the TV on, your phone in your hand, and something else going in the background, get curious.
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Are you enjoying what you're doing?
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Or are you creating enough input that you don't have to notice what's actually happening inside?
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Now again, there is no wrong answer.
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What this comes down to isn't getting really good at correctly labeling something as rest or numbing.
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It's getting better at noticing what is happening inside of you, what you need, and whether what you are doing is actually meeting that need.
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And the more you can notice, the more choice you have about what happens next.
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Because awareness creates choice.
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So this is the part that I want you to walk away with.
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Once you understand what you are doing and why, you are no longer stuck automatically repeating the pattern.
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So let me show you what this can look like in real life.
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I had a Monday recently, and I mean by recently, this week, this Monday, that would have gone very differently a few years ago.
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We had had a big weekend, lots of activity, a lot going on, and I was tired.
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Todd was out of the house, and that combination, the busy weekend, being alone, the tiredness on a Monday used to be the exact setup for a binge for me.
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And right after lunch, which is when binges used to happen, I noticed I was scrolling on my phone a little bit, which isn't something I usually do during the day.
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I just noticed it.
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And underneath the scrolling, I noticed I was tired.
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So instead of continuing, continuing to scroll or reaching for food, I went and took a nap.
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I slept for about half an hour.
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And when I woke up, I caught myself scrolling again.
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But this time there was a different thought right behind it.
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It was like, I don't need to keep scrolling.
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I got the rest that I needed.
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I could tell in my body that my body was physically restored.
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So what I actually need now is to get back into action.
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This was true and I trusted it.
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So I went back to my desk and I ended up having a genuinely productive afternoon with no more pull towards scrolling or wanting to check out.
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And when Todd got home and I told him about my day, he said the same thing that I had been thinking.
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That exact setup used to turn into a bench every time.
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And this time, just noticing myself scrolling was the thing that let me see what I actually needed.
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First the rest, and then once I'd had it, to genuinely get back into my day.
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Not distraction, not food, just what was actually true in each moment.
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And in this case, there was not even any desire for food.
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There was no urge, there was no craving.
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The first thing that I noticed was the scrolling, which was an unusual activity for me.
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But I want you to notice this in the story.
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The scrolling did not mean the same thing both times.
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The first time, it helped me recognize I needed rest.
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And the second time, after I had rested, it helped me recognize I was ready to re-engage.
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And that's why I don't want to give you a list of behaviors that count as rest and behaviors that count as numbing.
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The behavior isn't the answer.
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The awareness gives you information, and the information gives you more choice.
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And that is the whole shift.
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We're not trying to eliminate the numbing, and we're not becoming perfectly intentional about every hour and every single thing that we do.
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It's just noticing so you get to choose.
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So where we want to talk about now is permission first and discernment later.
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Because I want to point this out.
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It's something that my client's experience makes clear.
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This isn't a single realization that just changes everything overnight.
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It can come in phases.
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So the first phase is often just permission.
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Learning you are allowed to take intentional rest time at all without earning it first, without everything being finished.
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And that alone can take a long time, especially if you've spent years operating the way I used to, where rest arrived only after the collapse.
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And the second phase, after permission, the second phase is discernment.
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So once you've given yourself permission to stop, you start learning to tell the difference between what's actually restoring you and what is just another form of checking out.
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And this is a different skill.
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And it usually can't be learned until the first phase is at least somewhat in place.
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You can't sort out what is actually restful until you are willing to try resting in the first place.
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So if you are still in the first phase, you are not behind.
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It's exactly where this work starts.
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So here is what I want to leave you with this week: a few small things to notice.
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Number one, notice the small moments.
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Reaching for your phone, wandering into the kitchen, turning on the TV.
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You don't even have to change anything.
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Just notice.
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Number two, ask what this is doing for you right now.
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Maybe it's rest, comfort, connection, distraction, relief, distance, or something else.
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You don't need the right answer, but ask the question.
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Your brain will go to work to answer it.
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What is this doing for me?
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Number three, check in while you are doing it.
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Is this giving you what you need?
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You don't have to stop just because you noticed.
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You're just gathering information.
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And then number four, notice what is true for you afterward.
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It's not simply do I feel better or do I feel worse, but I want you to ask, what did that give me?
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What do I notice now about what's happening for me in my system?
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What do I need next?
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And whatever you notice, see if you can leave the good or bad label out of it.
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Curiosity gives you information, and judgment usually just makes it harder to hear.
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Now, also remember, capacity changes day to day.
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What counts as numbing on one particular day might be exactly the relief you need on a really challenging day.
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So notice the difference instead of applying one rule to every day.
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You are not the same person every day.
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You do not have the same capacity every day.
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So that's why it's important to ask these questions.
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What am I noticing?
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What is this giving me?
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What is this doing for me right now?
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Even while you're doing it, what am I noticing?
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:50.400
Is this giving me what I need?
00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:51.440
Okay.
00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:55.119
You don't need to eliminate numbing.
00:21:55.359 --> 00:22:01.119
And you don't need to become perfectly intentional about every hour of your day.
00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:06.319
What actually helps is becoming more connected to yourself.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:20.960
So you have a better chance of recognizing what you need in the moment and responding to it instead of finding out two hours into eating or three hours into scrolling that you were avoiding something the entire time.
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:27.200
This is the same thing I've taught for years around food, just from a different angle.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:30.480
Don't only focus on stopping a behavior.
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:36.480
Get curious about what it's doing for you, what it's giving you, and what you notice afterward.
00:22:36.799 --> 00:22:40.079
It's not about the food or the couch or the phone.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:42.559
It's what's happening underneath.
00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:49.039
And if you are just starting to give yourself permission to rest at all, start there.
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:55.839
You don't need to immediately become skilled at figuring out whether every moment is rest or numbing.
00:22:56.319 --> 00:22:58.000
Permission can come first.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:03.200
Discernment grows as you become more connected to yourself.
00:23:04.079 --> 00:23:12.880
And if rest, if you try to rest and it feels really hard, go back to the previous episode and start asking the questions there.
00:23:14.480 --> 00:23:30.319
Now, if this whole topic and discussion around rest is resonating with you and you are wondering whether your nervous system is part of what is driving it, I want to point you back to this guide that I mentioned last week, mapping your nervous system.
00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:37.279
It can help you start recognizing what is actually happening in your body in moments like these.
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:41.759
So you can find it at janepilger.com forward slash regulate your nervous system.
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:43.759
Again, there's a link in the show notes.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:45.519
Easy to download.
00:23:45.920 --> 00:23:57.920
Now, next week, we're gonna talk about why just trust your body doesn't work yet and what actually has to happen first before that advice can mean anything.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:00.079
It's gonna be a great one, so be sure to tune in.
00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:02.000
All right, that's what I have for you today.
00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:03.839
I'll see you next week.
00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:11.440
Before you go, I want to invite you to my next online event on Monday, October 5th.
00:24:11.599 --> 00:24:16.559
It's a free 90-minute workshop called Define Your Food Freedom.
00:24:16.799 --> 00:24:19.440
So many of us say we want food freedom.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:06.000
From the outside, rest and numbing out can look exactly the same.
00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:10.800
Same stillness, same quiet, same hours disappearing.
00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:14.960
But what's happening underneath can be very different.
00:00:15.359 --> 00:00:25.760
Today, we're getting into how to tell the difference, not by judging what you're doing, but by getting curious about what it's actually doing for you.
00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:34.079
Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body.
00:00:34.320 --> 00:00:38.799
If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone.
00:00:39.039 --> 00:00:40.159
I've been there too.
00:00:40.320 --> 00:00:46.000
I'm Jane Pilger and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free.
00:00:46.240 --> 00:00:50.719
Each week you'll give the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body.
00:00:50.960 --> 00:00:53.439
Your breakthrough starts next.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:00:56.320
Hello, trusted listener.
00:00:56.479 --> 00:01:08.079
I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you're willing to look honestly at your own patterns without turning that honesty into another reason to be hard on yourself.
00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:16.400
For a long time, when what I actually needed was rest, I would end up eating instead.
00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:19.280
I can still hear myself saying it.
00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:28.000
And I would eat, and then I would keep eating.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:35.519
And what was supposed to be a snack before a nap would turn into two or more hours of eating.
00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:39.120
And the nap never happened at all.
00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:46.799
And for a long time, I thought that was just what my Mondays looked like, especially after a big weekend.
00:01:47.040 --> 00:01:50.000
Busy, worn out, alone in the house.
00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:58.239
I didn't understand what was happening or why it kept showing up in the same way on the same kind of day.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:03.760
What I understand now is that my body was asking for rest.
00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:09.280
But actual rest wasn't something I knew how to give myself then.
00:02:09.840 --> 00:02:15.680
Somewhere in between the asking and the doing, the message got tangled.
00:02:16.319 --> 00:02:18.159
I needed to stop.
00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:21.599
But what I did instead was eat.
00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:36.240
Now, last week on the podcast, I talked about why rest can feel uncomfortable instead of restorative and why that discomfort makes sense once you understand what's underneath it.
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:39.439
Now, if you haven't listened yet, I'll put a link in the show notes.
00:02:39.520 --> 00:02:44.800
You can go back and listen to that one first, or you can keep listening to this one and then go back.
00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:51.759
Either way, both episodes are powerful if rest is a challenge for you.
00:02:52.080 --> 00:03:02.879
Now, this week, what we're going to do is we're going to go a layer deeper because there is a question that comes up once people start paying attention to their own rest.
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:12.479
How do I know if what I'm actually doing is resting or if I'm just checking out?
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:31.439
So when I say numbing or checking out, I mean something that you're doing primarily to turn the volume down on what you are feeling or thinking, or to create some distance from it for a while.
00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:39.759
You can't always tell just by looking at the activity, whether it is resting or numbing out.
00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:43.759
You have to look at what it is doing for you.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:51.199
So we tend to think of numbing as scrolling or watching the TV, getting lost in Netflix.
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:56.719
For a lot of us, myself included, it's just as often food.
00:03:57.439 --> 00:03:59.280
So here's where I'm going to take you today.
00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:07.280
First, we're going to look at how similar rest and numbing can actually look from the outside.
00:04:07.599 --> 00:04:19.120
Then we're going to get into what the activity is actually doing for you, why numbing isn't automatically a problem, and how to recognize what you actually need.
00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:29.120
I'm also going to tell you about a recent Monday where I caught myself mid-pattern and what I did instead of eating.
00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:35.120
So let's start with how alike these two things can look.
00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:40.319
Rest and numbing can look identical from the outside.
00:04:40.639 --> 00:04:51.360
You're sitting on the couch, you're scrolling your phone, you're watching TV, maybe it's taking a nap, reading a book, time alone, and yeah, even eating food.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:05:01.680
There is no activity that you can point to, including food, and say, that one is always rest or that one is always numbing.
00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:06.480
The behavior itself doesn't carry the answer.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:14.319
For years, those Monday afternoons meant hours of eating that had nothing to do with hunger.
00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:25.439
It wasn't until I actually looked at what was happening, two hours of eating instead of the 30-minute nap I really needed that the truth of it became obvious.
00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:30.720
I hear this from clients often in all kinds of forms.
00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:34.879
Someone will tell me they spent the evening reading.
00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:37.680
And on one night, it was genuine rest.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:47.120
On another night, the exact same book in the exact same chair was a way of not having to think about a conversation they were dreading.
00:05:47.360 --> 00:05:49.360
Same book, same chair.
00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:53.519
Completely different thing happening underneath.
00:05:53.920 --> 00:05:58.079
So the activity alone does not automatically settle it.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:03.759
And either way, what matters most, it's not the activity itself.
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:08.639
It's what that activity is actually doing for you.
00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:12.480
It's not the activity, it's the function.
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:15.839
So here's what I have learned.
00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:21.600
Instead of judging the activity, ask what it's doing for you.
00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:25.360
What is this doing for me right now?
00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:28.079
Is it helping me recover?
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:30.240
Is it giving me comfort?
00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:36.319
Is it giving me some distance from something that feels like too much?
00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:42.319
Is it helping me avoid something I don't want to feel or face right now?
00:06:43.519 --> 00:06:45.839
None of those answers are wrong.
00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:47.360
They're information.
00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:54.480
For me, on those old Mondays, the food was never about hunger.
00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:58.720
It wasn't about my willpower or control either.
00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:05.120
It was standing in for the rest I actually needed, but wasn't giving myself.
00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:11.439
I would eat and eat and nothing settled because eating wasn't actually meeting the need.
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:19.040
But I also want to be really clear that numbing isn't automatically bad.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:28.000
Sometimes checking out is the exact amount of relief that someone has capacity for in that moment.
00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:32.560
Distraction isn't a failure.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:36.879
It might be the only tool available in that moment.
00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:41.040
And judging yourself for using it doesn't create more capacity.
00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:46.959
It just adds shame on top of whatever you were already trying to get away from.
00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:52.959
I don't look back at those Monday binges as some failure of willpower.
00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:56.240
Something in me needed something.
00:07:56.480 --> 00:08:01.759
I just didn't understand what it was yet or have another way to respond.
00:08:02.959 --> 00:08:08.959
And this matters because so much of what we're taught about behavior like this comes with a verdict attached.
00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:10.560
Numbing is weak.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:12.399
Rest is virtuous.
00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:15.600
But your nervous system doesn't care about the label.
00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:24.959
It is just trying to get you through whatever moment that you're in with whatever resources it has access to right then.
00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:30.399
Some days that will look like rest that actually restores you.
00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:32.480
Some days it'll look like checking out.
00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:34.320
And that's not a step backward.
00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:38.240
It's your system doing the best it can with what it has.
00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:47.279
So if numbing isn't the enemy, the more useful question becomes what you're actually needing underneath.
00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:51.200
What do I actually need?
00:08:52.480 --> 00:08:54.879
So once you stop asking, is this good or bad?
00:08:55.120 --> 00:08:58.320
and start asking, what is this doing for me?
00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:01.679
More information starts to become available.
00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:04.080
Maybe you need restoration.
00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:05.679
Maybe you need comfort.
00:09:06.240 --> 00:09:09.120
Maybe you need connection with another person.
00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:12.159
Maybe you need less input for a while.
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:17.600
Maybe you need some distance from something that feels like too much right now.
00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:22.879
Or maybe something in your life feels too difficult to face head on.
00:09:23.039 --> 00:09:25.840
And distraction is giving you a break from it.
00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:28.960
None of those answers are wrong.
00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:30.399
They're information.
00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:35.279
And sometimes you won't even know exactly what you need.
00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:37.600
And that is information too.
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:47.039
You don't have to perfectly decode every behavior or understand exactly what's happening underneath it before you can respond differently.
00:09:47.600 --> 00:09:51.039
You can respond with something very simple.
00:09:51.519 --> 00:09:54.000
What do I think I need right now?
00:09:54.720 --> 00:09:57.200
And then you can try something.
00:09:57.840 --> 00:09:58.879
Maybe it's an app.
00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:00.720
Maybe it's going outside.
00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:02.799
Maybe it's calling someone.
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:04.720
Maybe it's watching a show.
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:06.639
Maybe it's eating something.
00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:10.639
Maybe it's doing absolutely nothing for 10 minutes.
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:14.480
Maybe it's looking at funny cat videos.
00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:22.639
And then instead of asking whether you chose the right thing, you can stay curious about what happened.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:28.159
Did that actually give me what I needed?
00:10:29.440 --> 00:10:31.440
And here's where the next part comes in.
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:35.279
How do I know if it met the need?
00:10:36.159 --> 00:10:40.879
So I have a client right now who is working through this exact thing.
00:10:41.440 --> 00:10:54.799
When she tries to rest, she notices herself scanning for danger, checking mentally through everything that needs to be done, everything that needs fixing instead of actually settling.
00:10:55.919 --> 00:11:04.399
Now, the first phase of this work for her was simply giving herself permission to take intentional rest time at all.
00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:07.759
And that alone wasn't easy.
00:11:08.480 --> 00:11:11.840
And now she's starting to notice something different.
00:11:12.240 --> 00:11:18.399
Not everything that looks like rest actually gives her what she needs.
00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:22.799
This is where I want to make an important distinction.
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:29.279
So the question is not as simple as do I feel better or worse afterward?
00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:32.399
Because numbing can make you feel better.
00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:34.879
It's part of why we do it.
00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:41.840
Sometimes a little distance or distraction is exactly what helps us get through a difficult moment.
00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:48.399
And genuine rest doesn't always make you immediately feel better either.
00:11:48.720 --> 00:12:01.200
Sometimes slowing down gives you enough quiet to finally notice just how tired you are, or how sad you are, or how much you have been carrying.
00:12:01.919 --> 00:12:08.799
So instead of using better or worse as the test, I think there's some more useful questions you can ask yourself.
00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:12.080
What did that give me?
00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:15.919
And what do I notice now?
00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:25.759
Do I feel a little more present, a little more available to myself or to whatever comes next?
00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:29.440
Do I have a little more capacity in my system?
00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:39.039
Or do I notice that I'm still reaching for more distance, more input, another episode, another scroll, more food?
00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:43.919
None of those answers make what you did good or bad.
00:12:44.080 --> 00:12:48.159
They are just giving you more information about what happened.
00:12:48.960 --> 00:12:52.159
So take something as simple as watching Netflix.
00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:57.440
You might watch an episode and realize afterward, that was exactly what I needed.
00:12:57.679 --> 00:13:02.720
I enjoyed it, I was present for it, and now I'm ready for whatever comes next.
00:13:03.039 --> 00:13:16.000
Or maybe three episodes later, you notice that you stopped enjoying it a while ago and you're reaching for the next one because you don't want to come back to whatever is waiting for you.
00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:22.240
It's not the number of episodes that tells you whether you're resting or numbing.
00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:28.240
It's not the couch or the TV or even how long you've been sitting there.
00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:36.080
It's getting curious about your relationship with what you're doing and what it is actually giving you.
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:40.159
You can even check in while you are doing it.
00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:43.840
Does this still feel like it's giving me something I need?
00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:46.159
Am I enjoying this?
00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:48.559
Am I choosing to continue?
00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:51.840
Or do I feel like I need to keep going?
00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:57.919
Multiple sources of input can be another clue worth noticing, also.
00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:04.960
If you have the TV on, your phone in your hand, and something else going in the background, get curious.
00:14:05.519 --> 00:14:07.840
Are you enjoying what you're doing?
00:14:08.159 --> 00:14:14.879
Or are you creating enough input that you don't have to notice what's actually happening inside?
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:19.519
Now again, there is no wrong answer.
00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:26.159
What this comes down to isn't getting really good at correctly labeling something as rest or numbing.
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:36.960
It's getting better at noticing what is happening inside of you, what you need, and whether what you are doing is actually meeting that need.
00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:43.759
And the more you can notice, the more choice you have about what happens next.
00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:48.000
Because awareness creates choice.
00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:52.000
So this is the part that I want you to walk away with.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:15:00.399
Once you understand what you are doing and why, you are no longer stuck automatically repeating the pattern.
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:03.679
So let me show you what this can look like in real life.
00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:13.120
I had a Monday recently, and I mean by recently, this week, this Monday, that would have gone very differently a few years ago.
00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:19.279
We had had a big weekend, lots of activity, a lot going on, and I was tired.
00:15:19.679 --> 00:15:31.919
Todd was out of the house, and that combination, the busy weekend, being alone, the tiredness on a Monday used to be the exact setup for a binge for me.
00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:43.600
And right after lunch, which is when binges used to happen, I noticed I was scrolling on my phone a little bit, which isn't something I usually do during the day.
00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:45.440
I just noticed it.
00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:50.080
And underneath the scrolling, I noticed I was tired.
00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:57.279
So instead of continuing, continuing to scroll or reaching for food, I went and took a nap.
00:15:57.679 --> 00:16:00.159
I slept for about half an hour.
00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:04.480
And when I woke up, I caught myself scrolling again.
00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:09.600
But this time there was a different thought right behind it.
00:16:10.159 --> 00:16:12.799
It was like, I don't need to keep scrolling.
00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:14.960
I got the rest that I needed.
00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:19.200
I could tell in my body that my body was physically restored.
00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:23.360
So what I actually need now is to get back into action.
00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.240
This was true and I trusted it.
00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:36.000
So I went back to my desk and I ended up having a genuinely productive afternoon with no more pull towards scrolling or wanting to check out.
00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:43.279
And when Todd got home and I told him about my day, he said the same thing that I had been thinking.
00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:48.080
That exact setup used to turn into a bench every time.
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:55.679
And this time, just noticing myself scrolling was the thing that let me see what I actually needed.
00:16:56.000 --> 00:17:02.639
First the rest, and then once I'd had it, to genuinely get back into my day.
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:08.880
Not distraction, not food, just what was actually true in each moment.
00:17:09.599 --> 00:17:13.519
And in this case, there was not even any desire for food.
00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:15.920
There was no urge, there was no craving.
00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:21.440
The first thing that I noticed was the scrolling, which was an unusual activity for me.
00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:24.319
But I want you to notice this in the story.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:28.720
The scrolling did not mean the same thing both times.
00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:32.559
The first time, it helped me recognize I needed rest.
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:39.759
And the second time, after I had rested, it helped me recognize I was ready to re-engage.
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:46.400
And that's why I don't want to give you a list of behaviors that count as rest and behaviors that count as numbing.
00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:49.519
The behavior isn't the answer.
00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:56.559
The awareness gives you information, and the information gives you more choice.
00:17:56.880 --> 00:17:58.720
And that is the whole shift.
00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:06.960
We're not trying to eliminate the numbing, and we're not becoming perfectly intentional about every hour and every single thing that we do.
00:18:07.119 --> 00:18:11.279
It's just noticing so you get to choose.
00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:18.000
So where we want to talk about now is permission first and discernment later.
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:19.519
Because I want to point this out.
00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:22.799
It's something that my client's experience makes clear.
00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:27.680
This isn't a single realization that just changes everything overnight.
00:18:27.920 --> 00:18:30.319
It can come in phases.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:34.240
So the first phase is often just permission.
00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:45.279
Learning you are allowed to take intentional rest time at all without earning it first, without everything being finished.
00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:55.359
And that alone can take a long time, especially if you've spent years operating the way I used to, where rest arrived only after the collapse.
00:18:56.000 --> 00:19:00.400
And the second phase, after permission, the second phase is discernment.
00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:10.799
So once you've given yourself permission to stop, you start learning to tell the difference between what's actually restoring you and what is just another form of checking out.
00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:13.359
And this is a different skill.
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:19.599
And it usually can't be learned until the first phase is at least somewhat in place.
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:28.319
You can't sort out what is actually restful until you are willing to try resting in the first place.
00:19:29.599 --> 00:19:33.440
So if you are still in the first phase, you are not behind.
00:19:33.599 --> 00:19:37.119
It's exactly where this work starts.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:43.599
So here is what I want to leave you with this week: a few small things to notice.
00:19:43.920 --> 00:19:47.359
Number one, notice the small moments.
00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:52.480
Reaching for your phone, wandering into the kitchen, turning on the TV.
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You don't even have to change anything.
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Just notice.
00:19:56.960 --> 00:20:00.079
Number two, ask what this is doing for you right now.
00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:07.119
Maybe it's rest, comfort, connection, distraction, relief, distance, or something else.
00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:11.039
You don't need the right answer, but ask the question.
00:20:11.279 --> 00:20:14.079
Your brain will go to work to answer it.
00:20:14.319 --> 00:20:16.319
What is this doing for me?
00:20:17.359 --> 00:20:21.680
Number three, check in while you are doing it.
00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:24.960
Is this giving you what you need?
00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:28.079
You don't have to stop just because you noticed.
00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:30.559
You're just gathering information.
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:36.480
And then number four, notice what is true for you afterward.
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:43.279
It's not simply do I feel better or do I feel worse, but I want you to ask, what did that give me?
00:20:43.920 --> 00:20:48.480
What do I notice now about what's happening for me in my system?
00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:51.119
What do I need next?
00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:59.599
And whatever you notice, see if you can leave the good or bad label out of it.
00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:06.640
Curiosity gives you information, and judgment usually just makes it harder to hear.
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:13.680
Now, also remember, capacity changes day to day.
00:21:14.079 --> 00:21:23.599
What counts as numbing on one particular day might be exactly the relief you need on a really challenging day.
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:29.119
So notice the difference instead of applying one rule to every day.
00:21:29.440 --> 00:21:31.519
You are not the same person every day.
00:21:31.680 --> 00:21:35.279
You do not have the same capacity every day.
00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:38.640
So that's why it's important to ask these questions.
00:21:39.279 --> 00:21:40.799
What am I noticing?
00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:42.799
What is this giving me?
00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:45.279
What is this doing for me right now?
00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:48.400
Even while you're doing it, what am I noticing?
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:50.400
Is this giving me what I need?
00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:51.440
Okay.
00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:55.119
You don't need to eliminate numbing.
00:21:55.359 --> 00:22:01.119
And you don't need to become perfectly intentional about every hour of your day.
00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:06.319
What actually helps is becoming more connected to yourself.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:20.960
So you have a better chance of recognizing what you need in the moment and responding to it instead of finding out two hours into eating or three hours into scrolling that you were avoiding something the entire time.
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:27.200
This is the same thing I've taught for years around food, just from a different angle.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:30.480
Don't only focus on stopping a behavior.
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:36.480
Get curious about what it's doing for you, what it's giving you, and what you notice afterward.
00:22:36.799 --> 00:22:40.079
It's not about the food or the couch or the phone.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:42.559
It's what's happening underneath.
00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:49.039
And if you are just starting to give yourself permission to rest at all, start there.
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:55.839
You don't need to immediately become skilled at figuring out whether every moment is rest or numbing.
00:22:56.319 --> 00:22:58.000
Permission can come first.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:03.200
Discernment grows as you become more connected to yourself.
00:23:04.079 --> 00:23:12.880
And if rest, if you try to rest and it feels really hard, go back to the previous episode and start asking the questions there.
00:23:14.480 --> 00:23:30.319
Now, if this whole topic and discussion around rest is resonating with you and you are wondering whether your nervous system is part of what is driving it, I want to point you back to this guide that I mentioned last week, mapping your nervous system.
00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:37.279
It can help you start recognizing what is actually happening in your body in moments like these.
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So you can find it at janepilger.com forward slash regulate your nervous system.
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Again, there's a link in the show notes.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:45.519
Easy to download.
00:23:45.920 --> 00:23:57.920
Now, next week, we're gonna talk about why just trust your body doesn't work yet and what actually has to happen first before that advice can mean anything.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:00.079
It's gonna be a great one, so be sure to tune in.
00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:02.000
All right, that's what I have for you today.
00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:03.839
I'll see you next week.
00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:11.440
Before you go, I want to invite you to my next online event on Monday, October 5th.
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It's a free 90-minute workshop called Define Your Food Freedom.
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So many of us say we want food freedom.
