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What happens when the life you carefully planned suddenly becomes a life you never expected?
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Loss, divorce, and starting over don't just change our relationships.
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They can change our identity, our confidence, and our entire financial future.
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And when you're already overwhelmed emotionally, figuring out what to do with your money can feel almost impossible.
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My guest today understands that experience both personally and professionally.
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Donna Kendrick became a widow at just 40 years old when her husband passed away unexpectedly, leaving her to raise her three children while navigating grief and some very big life decisions.
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That experience ultimately led Donna to reinvent her career and become a certified financial planner professional and a certified divorce financial analyst.
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Today, Donna is the founder of Sefton Financial, where she specializes in helping families navigate major life transitions, including widowhood, divorce, remarriage, and blended families.
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She's also the host of Widow, Wisdom, and Wealth, and the author of several financial guides, including her newest book, The Divorce Money Map: Taking Control of Your Finances Before, During, and After Divorce.
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Donna's story is really about something we talk about often here on Bent Not Broken.
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When life changes without your permission, how do you find your footing and begin writing your next chapter?
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Donna, welcome to Bent Not Broken.
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Oh, thank you so much for having me.
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I really enjoy being here.
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Yes, me too.
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Let's start with your story.
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You were only 40 when your husband passed away.
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And suddenly you were raising three children on your own.
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What do you remember most about those first days and months when the life you knew changed so dramatically?
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Yeah, I mean, oof.
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God, I'm already almost to tears already.
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Oh no, it's all good.
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It was 13 years ago, right?
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But you can go right back to that moment.
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And I remember standing there, literally the the evening he passed, thinking, oh what now?
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Right?
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Like all of those dreams, all of those future goals, all of our shared expectations for the next 10 years, 20 years, kids' weddings, educating them, all of it.
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Just changed, right?
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Because not only did I just lose my husband who I shared those dreams with, but I lost the breadwinner, right?
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I was only making$17,000 a year working part-time, like so many spouses.
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And I say, well, majority of us ladies, I had taken a break from my full-time employment to follow his career.
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He had worked abroad, and so it was kind of difficult for me to carry on my career while we were moving almost every two years.
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What was I going to do next?
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How was I going to pace this all together?
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And I had an eight-year-old, an 11-year-old, a 12-year-old.
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We had just moved two to three months beforehand.
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So all of our extra cash was kind of wound up into that real estate transaction.
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So I'm a financial planner now.
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We always talk about cash reserves, three to six months of what you need in case there's an unemployment or a pandemic or a death.
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We had used all that for the deposit on the house.
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So I was looking at no credit cards in my name, right?
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I should have known better, but it was just life.
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We were young, we're bobbing and weaving.
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So when he died, his shared credit, if I was an authorized user on his card, went to and no extra cash and no income.
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And oh my, what next?
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Yeah.
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Wow.
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There's an emotional side of loss, but there's also the practical side.
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So when someone is grieving or separating or going through a divorce, they're often expected to make enormous financial decisions at exactly that time.
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And they're the least emotionally equipped to make them.
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What do you tell someone in that position?
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Yeah, I mean, so here what we work with now, and that's why we specialize and niche our market into these families in transition, because we do it a little differently.
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I like to say we add a little love back into financial planning, but what we're really doing is being very patient and being very empathetic because there's some decisions that have to be made right away.
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There's some forms that have to be submitted right away.
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And then there's decisions that we can actually put on pause.
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Maybe that's for the transitional time, right?
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So there's the immediate decisions, there's the transitional decisions, and then there's those long-term decisions.
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If someone would have asked me within the first year of Greg dying, oh, tell me about retirement.
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What are your dreams?
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Like, do you want to have a second house?
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I probably would have marched out of that conference room because there was nothing dreamy about my life that time.
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The dreamy part was waking up every day, putting two feet on the ground, brushing my teeth, maybe my hair, right?
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Like that's the things I was trying to accomplish at that moment.
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The kids look much better than me for that whole first year.
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But yeah, so now I'm actually going back to school again because I really believe in learning because sometimes we only know what we know.
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So we have to go out and learn more and experience it.
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And I'm with the Financial Transitionist Institute, and they always say that there's three different or many different stages, right?
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So there's the for many people in divorce, or if they know someone that's going to pass due to maybe a long-term illness, there's that anticipation of what's going to happen.
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And then the ending, the divorce finalizes, right?
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Or that person passes.
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And then we have what's new, right?
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Like, what are we going to process now?
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And through there, sometimes excitement and freedom, a new opportunity.
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And then a lot of that is grief and confusion and overwhelm.
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And I'm sorry, we sometimes we all just get nervous and we freeze, right?
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Like we just freeze and we don't do anything because we don't know what to do next.
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And then when you get through that processing stage, that's where you start to have that long-term growth, that anticipation of what's next, the ability to dream or to think longer.
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So we are always trying to say, where are these decisions we have to make?
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And that's all we're making for decisions right now, right?
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As well as what's next.
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And that goes for good and bad.
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Sometimes trying to bring new funds in if we don't have any.
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And sometimes in either divorce or widowhood, all of a sudden a whole bunch of we call it liquid money comes to us.
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Maybe you sold the family house and now you have$200,000 free cash, not tied up in IRA.
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What are we gonna do then?
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I'm live in Philadelphia and I say when I'm depressed, I like a tasty cake.
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I like to eat that chocolate cupcake and I just like to eat it quick, right?
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And I know it's not good for me, and I know it's off my diet, but it just makes me feel better.
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A lot of people do that with cash.
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I deserve that Corvette.
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I deserve that trip.
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There's a bit about that.
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We're sometimes just trying to make ourselves feel after that whole anticipation and that ending part, right?
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But we have to be so careful because for many of us have we call it sudden money.
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Who hasn't we haven't had money like that before?
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All of a sudden a life insurance comes in or that settlement comes in.
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And what do we do next?
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Are we making those best decisions?
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So I always love to open up what I call a holding account, which is like, okay, so if we get 200,000, here's 20,000 into your regular checking and savings.
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The rest of it, my financial advisor is going to put in a holding account, FDIC, guaranteed, just sitting there making a little bit of interest, right?
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But it's just not readily available.
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You have to call someone and be like, hey, can you transfer that?
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That call is sometimes just that barrier to giving a 24 hours before a bad decision or an expensive decision.
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Is that helpful?
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Very helpful.
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What are some of the more immediate decisions?
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Like, especially someone's going through a divorce or they just lost their husband or spouse.
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I've mentioned it already in this conversation, cash reserve.
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You're on your own now.
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So you need to have six months of your basic living, not lifestyle, basic living.
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What bills do you have to pay for it not to go on your credit report as a missed payment, right?
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What do we have to pay to keep our car and not have someone repossess it?
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Those are the basic living costs.
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Are we eating out all the time?
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No, we're trying to cover just having oodles of noodles and maybe a salad here and there, right?
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So take that, and I always recommend that someone living into a new situation, divorced and now maybe having to live in an apartment on rent, track what you're spending for three months.
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I'm not endorsing anything, but many of my clients use, if they need the paper, they actually use a journal called Clever Fox.
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And you can get it on like Amazon, places like that, all the different formats of it.
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But physically tracking everything you're doing for three months, if you're an app junkie, tons of great apps out there.
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And then that basic cost of living, multiply that times six.
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That's your cash reserve.
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You want to have that put aside that as your first savings goal.
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And if maybe you have one of those lump sum payments of liquid cash that goes aside.
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When I say liquid cash, that's something you can get to in 24 hours.
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It might be a CD that can be broken, a money market account, a savings or we can call it cold hard cash.
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Wrap it up in butcher paper and put it in your freezer.
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Cold hard cash.
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That's it.
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I don't care.
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Don't tell anyone.
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Just put it in there, right?
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The second thing I always say too is make sure you pull your credit report.
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And you can do that at annualcreditreport.com.
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And if you haven't done that in the process of a divorce, even before the divorce settlement, it's really important.
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You want to make sure what accounts you have open, what accounts are in your name, where does your credit stand.
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The credit report won't tell you that FICO score.
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It's going to tell you what accounts are there, what balance are being used.
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Because unfortunately, some people find out after the fact that maybe there was an account opened jointly that they didn't know about, and that wasn't part of the discovery in a divorce.
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It doesn't mean it was intentionally left off.
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It might have been that Macy's or Sears card back in the 1990s, right?
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That you both got.
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Like we're gonna we're gonna say everyone's playing fair here.
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That's a big thing.
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So make sure you have your cash reserve, make sure you pull your annual credit report.
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And then the third thing that I would always do is just making sure that what you want for the next two years, your goals.
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So those I still call those immediate goals.
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Those next two years are very clear.
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And I always say write them down, right?
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So what do I where do I want to be in three years?
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Where do I want to be in one year?
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Where do I want to be this quarter?
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Where do I want to be this month?
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And it's not and be I want you to be optimistic.
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I want you to write them down.
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I want you to read them to yourself every day.
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A sentence for each.
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And I'm talking about your finances.
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Like I want to be independent, I want to be out of credit card debt, I want to have a down payment for a second home, right?
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It's always, I don't mind people putting out on rent after a transition, especially divorce, because sometimes you're just finding your new self.
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You don't know if your job's still gonna be here.
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Like getting wrapped up into another house, even though I love real estate as an investment, might not be what we need when we're emotionally making decisions at the same time.
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It's a holding period, just like that holding account I'm talking about.
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Look at like an apartment as okay, I'm just gonna breathe here, right?
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And then you make big decisions.
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But I always say three-year goal, one year goal, quarter goal, 30-day goal, what am I doing today?
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Not asking a dream.
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I'm just saying directional to get yourself moving in that right direction as you make decisions.
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You'll find as the days go on, you make decisions saying, Well, that helped me get to that three-year goal in your back subconscious of your mind.
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Even if you had to put a post-it notes on your refrigerator or on your bathroom mirror, keep those goals forefront and remind yourself every day.
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Yeah, how does credit card debt you experience this all of a sudden?
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The credit cards were gone because they were pretty much joint or in your husband's name.
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And I I know back in back in the day that was that was the thing.
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But how do women going through divorce or just losing her husband navigate that?
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All of a sudden, they they don't have any credit to their name.
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Yeah, I mean, it's a huge thing.
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I was lucky, I had one card, American Express, kept me on because I had an account before I married my husband, and then they kind of morphed it into one account for us.
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And to this day, I am very, very loyal to them.
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I am just simply because that is the one thing that gave me credit that gives me my 35 years of credit history right now.
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But these are the things that actually make a difference.
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How do we deal with it?
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One, if you are taking, like, let's say it's a divorce situation, that's something to navigate with your attorney or your mediator, like who's taking the debt?
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Is it getting paid off?
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Is there life insurance to cover the debt if you took it on the other person?
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Things like that.
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You can negotiate as part of the divorce.
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A lot of it is also it's just a math game.
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Is this one at 16.9%?
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Is this one at 5%?
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Right.
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And I know a lot of people talk about the juggle of like, hey, I'm gonna do salad transfer, pay 3%, and then I have a whole year.
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Well, that might not be a horrible idea if you're gonna get away from a credit card that's 16.9%.
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You don't have too many hits on your credit.
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We always say try to keep it to less than two a year if you can.
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We call it a full credit hit.
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If you're gonna buy a car or put down for a house.
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And again, let's think about that three-year goal.
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What do I want in the next three years?
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So, how do I have to be careful with my credit if we're applying for a new credit card, right?
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Those things all can affect your credit score, as well as the amount of credit you have available to you and the percentage of credit used.
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Those are things we have to be really careful of as we're moving forward.
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I think another thing we want to just make sure of too, especially for our widows and widowers out there.
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Sometimes if it was purchases in our late spouse's name that did not support the family, be able to have those removed.
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So we recommend you getting representation and calling each credit card company.
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I've seen many times where nope, you guys have to pay that.
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Like that was for groceries, it's on you.
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It's a family support, right?
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And then I've seen times being like, you're you're right, you didn't get anything at the store that wasn't you, right?
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So very separate that way.
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But I would always say have a credit advisor, or if you have an attorney or your financial advisor, share those phone calls.
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Because again, the world's spinning.
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You have seven different phone calls you have to make, each one a little different.
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That one was joint, one was just authorized user.
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You can see what purchases versus the spouse made, things like that.
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But is that helpful?
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Very helpful.
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So if you're getting a divorce and you're giving up the debt and your ex or soon-to-be ex takes, say, the American Express debt and you take on the Macy's debt, how can a woman protect herself and her credit score should the ex-spouse fail to make those payments on that American Express card?
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Or I guess vice versa, if you fail to make your payments, how do you do that or navigate that without affecting your own credit score?
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What you have to just remember, too, is that you have credit in your name, so does your ex-spouse, and then you have credit that credit cards or accounts that might be held jointly.
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So again, anything you do affects your score.
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Anything they do affects theirs.
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Anything done jointly affects you both, right?
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Like I always use this example and I'm not proud.
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Signed a student loan for my daughter, and she was in charge of all the payments.
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She missed a payment for$80 and then missed the makeup payment for the next$80 and kept it very quiet from her financial planner mom until mom saw her credit score go down.
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I was furious with her because I would have given her the 80 bucks to make sure my credit score didn't go down.
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But you don't listen to your mom, right?
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So it didn't absorb.
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For those, you want to make sure that part of the divorce settlement is your name goes off those cards.
00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:52.039
So make sure before you agree to anything that you are calling America Express or you are calling Macy's, and your name is taken off.
00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:55.559
And if not, then really reconsider if this is part of the negotiation.
00:16:55.720 --> 00:16:57.960
If you're selling a family home, it might be okay.
00:16:58.120 --> 00:16:59.639
We're gonna take the cash from the home.
00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:03.159
We both need it for a deposit on a new home, but we're gonna pay off that debt, right?
00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:05.799
Because I don't want it being carried in my name.
00:17:05.960 --> 00:17:12.759
Many of the times they will actually end the card, but not end your obligation to keep paying, if that makes sense.
00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:13.559
That makes sense.
00:17:13.960 --> 00:17:15.400
Everyone needs a card in their own name.
00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:16.200
Correct.
00:17:16.440 --> 00:17:16.759
Okay.
00:17:18.279 --> 00:17:26.039
So you had an interesting experience where you actually decided to reinvent your career.
00:17:26.600 --> 00:17:33.080
How did you go from navigating your own loss to deciding this is the work I'm meant to do?
00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:38.920
So before this, I mean, I was still my blessing for my parents, I was well educated.
00:17:39.080 --> 00:17:42.520
I had my master's, I did financial forecasting for the pharma industry.
00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:45.400
Again, gave up my career to follow my husband abroad.
00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:47.320
And there was just something in me.
00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:59.640
Maybe it was the nuns of the Eastern Orthodox high school that scared me to death because I wasn't Eastern Orthodox and I didn't know what I was walking into, but they just put such a grit, such a drive into us.
00:18:00.120 --> 00:18:03.960
No was never an option, or I can't was never an option.
00:18:04.120 --> 00:18:07.800
So I think I always just knew deep in my belly I was going to be okay.
00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.160
I knew I was educated, I knew I had a little zest to me, right?
00:18:11.320 --> 00:18:21.560
I knew what hard work was, you know, came from a blue-collar family, saw my dad just maybe not be there for dinner and maybe not be there when the sun came down, but we certainly had food on the table, right?
00:18:21.640 --> 00:18:24.280
Like he just would just go for it.
00:18:24.360 --> 00:18:26.840
And I was like, okay, I know I've seen that example.
00:18:26.920 --> 00:18:28.040
I can do it.
00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:30.440
So yeah, I was working part-time.
00:18:30.520 --> 00:18:33.480
And so I did keep that part-time job that was in my kids' school.
00:18:33.560 --> 00:18:35.240
So that way I could mimic their schedule.
00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:38.600
We had three kids in three different schools, and this the years went on.
00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:41.640
One in the high school, one in the middle school, one in the grade school, right?
00:18:41.800 --> 00:18:49.560
And so as a sole parent, it's all I could do to make sure that I knew who had off on, you know, the 19th of whatever.
00:18:50.120 --> 00:18:50.759
Who knew?
00:18:51.080 --> 00:18:51.400
Right.
00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:53.640
So that worked for me.
00:18:53.800 --> 00:18:57.640
But I had that, my late husband and I had a financial planner before he passed.
00:18:57.720 --> 00:19:00.040
So we did have life insurance intact, right?
00:19:00.120 --> 00:19:02.200
And which was really phenomenal.
00:19:02.360 --> 00:19:05.800
That's what allowed me to educate my kids later in life and keep my home.
00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:07.240
So I knew I had that.
00:19:07.400 --> 00:19:09.320
But I moved financial planners.
00:19:09.400 --> 00:19:19.000
About 70% of women usually do after a loss or transition in their lives, simply because maybe you weren't the point of contact for that financial planner.
00:19:19.080 --> 00:19:22.440
You didn't really have the relationship, or you just needed something different.
00:19:22.520 --> 00:19:23.640
And that's what I needed.
00:19:23.800 --> 00:19:26.600
So I actually reached out to my sister-in-law.
00:19:26.840 --> 00:19:33.800
Her girlfriend had a husband who passed suddenly of a heart attack, four young kids, and I knew she was okay watching her from afar.
00:19:33.960 --> 00:19:35.000
And I was like, Can you call her?
00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:37.080
Can you find out who her financial planner is?
00:19:37.240 --> 00:19:38.920
Whoever it is, I'm gonna talk to them.
00:19:39.240 --> 00:19:41.960
That's the person that became my financial planner, right?
00:19:42.120 --> 00:19:43.560
And it was just so wonderful.
00:19:43.720 --> 00:19:45.640
Like he really did slow the roll.
00:19:45.800 --> 00:19:48.600
He always had tissues on the table if I needed it.
00:19:48.759 --> 00:19:54.759
He looked horrified when I sobbed in his room, but it was simply because I was a little overwhelming.
00:19:54.840 --> 00:20:01.320
I'm dramatic, but he was so good about it and just really allowed me to be like, okay, you do need to go back to work.
00:20:01.480 --> 00:20:06.520
You have about this much time if we keep X amount of dollars out of life insurance.
00:20:06.759 --> 00:20:09.240
Social Security came in for my kids, right?
00:20:09.400 --> 00:20:12.280
So you can kind of keep things together for about two years.
00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:15.880
Then after that, mama, you gotta start making some more money, right?
00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:18.920
Like your kids are gonna age out, you're gonna lose social security.
00:20:19.080 --> 00:20:22.440
I always say that to my divorce clients like child support isn't forever.
00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:26.120
Alimony can go away if you don't have life insurance backing it.
00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.240
So we need to know what we have to bring in.
00:20:29.560 --> 00:20:36.200
And so at that two-year mark, I really did look back at what was most impactful to me during that time of loss.
00:20:36.360 --> 00:20:46.040
And it really was that help of that financial planner, that man that was just so patient, and his team that just took me through Social Security, how to apply, helped me.
00:20:46.120 --> 00:20:49.480
My husband was a big fan of US savings bonds, the paper ones.
00:20:49.640 --> 00:20:49.800
Yes.
00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:54.520
They audited all of those so I could go cash them in.
00:20:54.600 --> 00:20:59.160
Like they were my team when I couldn't make these decisions for myself.
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:03.800
And so yeah, I went to my financial advisor, was like, hey, for this career thing that you said I had to do.
00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:04.360
He's like, Yeah.
00:21:04.520 --> 00:21:05.800
I was like, I want to do what you did for me.
00:21:05.880 --> 00:21:10.759
He's like, whoa, but he actually gave me all of the education that I would need.
00:21:10.920 --> 00:21:13.560
I did go back to school to take the CFP coursework.
00:21:13.800 --> 00:21:16.040
It wasn't even licensed state or federally yet.
00:21:16.120 --> 00:21:21.480
I wanted to make sure I liked this business because I wasn't going to go recreate my career for it.
00:21:21.640 --> 00:21:25.480
I went back to school while my kids were still in school.
00:21:25.640 --> 00:21:27.000
I was still working part-time.
00:21:27.240 --> 00:21:39.000
So it was me nights and weekends studying, sitting next to the baseball field, studying, and then mentored under that advisor for three years in the middle of the pandemic, hung my own shingle, we call it Stefton Financial is the name of my company.
00:21:39.160 --> 00:21:44.120
That's my maiden name, given for that blue-collar dad of mine who said he would never have his name on a door.
00:21:44.280 --> 00:21:45.240
He doesn't have now.
00:21:45.560 --> 00:21:45.720
Right.
00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:47.320
And then we just stayed in mission.
00:21:47.400 --> 00:21:48.200
That's really what I say.
00:21:48.280 --> 00:22:06.440
Like I had a blessing of this huge change in my life, which I can call it a blessing now, but I would never, I don't think I ever would have done this type of work, which is so fulfilling and holds hands of the people who need it and makes such an impact on not just my clients' lives, but the next generation.
00:22:06.680 --> 00:22:11.720
We're even finding the impact of helping somebody with their finances when they're the sandwich generation.
00:22:11.880 --> 00:22:14.920
They have to take care of their parents and their home while they're still raising kids.
00:22:15.080 --> 00:22:16.840
Like a lot of divorcees are in that.
00:22:16.920 --> 00:22:20.360
They're just trying to get their own boots back on, and here comes mom and dad.
00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:21.960
It's like, oh god.
00:22:22.120 --> 00:22:23.640
So it's just such a blessing.
00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:24.680
And yeah, that's it.
00:22:24.759 --> 00:22:26.120
I would never turn back time.
00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:29.720
Never love that story.
00:22:31.720 --> 00:22:33.480
So you just wrote a book called The Divorce.
00:22:33.720 --> 00:22:35.080
Divorce money map.
00:22:35.320 --> 00:22:38.520
Why did you feel this particular book needed to be written?
00:22:38.600 --> 00:22:46.200
And what do you want someone going through a divorce to understand before they start negotiating their financial future?
00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:48.120
So we wrote two other books.
00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:51.720
One was The Guide to Widowhood, one was a guide to blended families.
00:22:51.800 --> 00:22:54.600
And yep, my publisher's like, all right, here comes the guide to divorce.
00:22:54.680 --> 00:22:57.400
And I just, it didn't feel right.
00:22:57.640 --> 00:22:59.640
The other story, the other ones were stories.
00:22:59.720 --> 00:23:03.880
One, my own story of widowhood and the stories of many of the widows I worked with and experienced.
00:23:04.040 --> 00:23:06.759
The other one was my own stubborn story about blending.
00:23:06.840 --> 00:23:07.800
I am remarried again.
00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:09.400
We have six kids under one roof.
00:23:09.480 --> 00:23:10.280
It's wonderful.
00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:14.040
But I went in kicking and screaming, not like, oh yeah, getting married again.
00:23:14.120 --> 00:23:17.160
I wasn't losing this independence I fought so hard for.
00:23:17.480 --> 00:23:18.759
Now, back it up.
00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:19.960
I did, and it's wonderful.
00:23:20.120 --> 00:23:21.000
So glad I did.
00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:22.200
But that's what that was about.
00:23:22.360 --> 00:23:28.360
Even though I have my CDFA, I just didn't feel right writing a book about divorce of stories.
00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:29.960
These people are in their own story.
00:23:30.120 --> 00:23:32.040
They're trying to slow that whirl, right?
00:23:32.120 --> 00:23:35.000
The swirl that's going around them, like that sandstorm.
00:23:35.160 --> 00:23:48.680
And what I've seen with so many of the clients I worked with is that they are paying hundreds of dollars per hour for their divorce attorney to help them organize their finances simply for discovery, simply for what's it going to cost them to be them.
00:23:48.840 --> 00:23:50.520
Can they afford to keep the house?
00:23:50.680 --> 00:23:51.160
Things like that.
00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:55.960
And a lot of these attorneys are great in the courtroom, but they don't have a degree in finance, right?
00:23:56.120 --> 00:24:03.800
I only know one attorney who has a master's of finance, and he's one of the ones I recommend all the time because I really believe people need this.
00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:05.240
And so I went to my publisher.
00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:06.759
Can I do a workbook?
00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:12.759
I just want to give people who maybe most of us have one person in the relationship that's savvy with the money.
00:24:12.920 --> 00:24:15.160
The other person is savvy with trust, right?
00:24:15.560 --> 00:24:19.160
And if you're not that savvy person with the money, you don't even know where to start.
00:24:19.320 --> 00:24:22.920
So this workbook takes you from pulling your annual credit report.
00:24:23.080 --> 00:24:23.880
What do I own?
00:24:24.040 --> 00:24:24.840
What do I owe?
00:24:25.080 --> 00:24:26.600
What credit cards are in my name?
00:24:26.759 --> 00:24:27.400
What is not?
00:24:27.560 --> 00:24:29.000
And a lot of this can be done.
00:24:29.080 --> 00:24:40.680
I always say, like, hide the book under your passenger's seat in your driver's car if you have not made it public that you think you're headed towards divorce, because you do want access to all that information, right?
00:24:40.840 --> 00:24:44.680
We all usually have a lockbox or that filing cabinet under the bed.
00:24:44.840 --> 00:24:47.000
Well, you want to go start looking there, right?
00:24:47.160 --> 00:24:50.600
We want to start looking for life insurance policies, things like that.
00:24:50.840 --> 00:24:51.880
We want to pull our credit.
00:24:51.960 --> 00:24:57.160
And so this really shows us from the left to the right of the book what information do we need?
00:24:57.320 --> 00:24:58.280
Where's our income?
00:24:58.360 --> 00:24:59.640
Where are our liabilities?
00:24:59.960 --> 00:25:01.880
What's an asset I had before the marriage?
00:25:02.040 --> 00:25:04.520
What did he or she have before the marriage, right?
00:25:04.680 --> 00:25:06.120
What did I might inherit?
00:25:06.360 --> 00:25:14.120
A lot of people don't understand the actual financial rules to some of that money if it was still in your name versus being brought over and put in a joint account.
00:25:14.280 --> 00:25:16.920
So this book takes you through that roadmap.
00:25:17.080 --> 00:25:24.600
So by the time you get to your attorney, you can hand them the front page of the book and be like, hi, this is me financially.
00:25:24.840 --> 00:25:28.840
It's gonna help with discovery and hopefully save you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
00:25:29.000 --> 00:25:30.040
Well, hundreds of dollars.
00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:32.200
I hope the divorce didn't go to thousands.
00:25:32.360 --> 00:25:34.120
But yeah, that's really what it's about.
00:25:34.200 --> 00:25:36.600
And then a lot of the pages duplicate.
00:25:36.759 --> 00:25:39.720
What's it gonna cost me to be me after the divorce?
00:25:39.880 --> 00:25:41.240
Let's do it again, right?
00:25:41.400 --> 00:25:45.400
Not that we're trying to dream, but we're trying to say, all right, what do I need to stay afloat?
00:25:45.480 --> 00:25:50.520
What do I need to ask for in this divorce, or how much of my own salary do I need to make sure I preserve?
00:25:50.759 --> 00:25:52.440
That's a big part of it.
00:25:53.640 --> 00:26:00.680
And I love that because you're it's part of going back to what you said before about having the goals and stuff in place.
00:26:00.840 --> 00:26:19.480
So if you know you're heading for a divorce, you do have to plan on what your life is now versus what it could be right after the divorce, what you need to do, what you need to have, if kids are in the picture, how much money are you gonna need to raise them?
00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:21.800
So I love the idea of that workbook.
00:26:22.040 --> 00:26:22.600
Yeah, thank you.
00:26:22.680 --> 00:26:25.720
And I'm gonna add, we actually have those pages in the back of the workbook.
00:26:25.880 --> 00:26:26.120
Okay.
00:26:26.520 --> 00:26:42.920
We have your 10-year goal, your five-year goal, your three-year goal, your one-year goal, the next 90 days, the next 30 days, but we have it broken out into what is your, what do you want from yourself, the personal goals, the goals for the community, the goals for my career, the goals for my mission, right?
00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:50.920
Like we want everyone to remember that they are a whole person because sometimes you just feel like you're reactive or you're shattered or you're just less than.
00:26:51.080 --> 00:26:59.240
Well, no, we want every little part of you to really be focused because it's not just, like I said in the beginning, putting my feet next to the bed that day.
00:26:59.400 --> 00:27:03.480
Someday you feel like that, but we want everyone to remember they're a whole person moving forward.
00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:11.480
And the other part of the book we have is 365 really like squares of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
00:27:11.640 --> 00:27:14.759
And it's not really a planner, it's for those conversations.
00:27:15.160 --> 00:27:24.920
So many conversations happen when you're going through a divorce, like this attorney and this mediator and this child supports, you know, safe line and everything else.
00:27:25.080 --> 00:27:30.600
And I want everyone to be able to have a place to just grab and write down who that was, what the conversation was.
00:27:30.759 --> 00:27:34.680
And then that way you can actually refer back to it in a chronological way.
00:27:34.840 --> 00:27:36.120
That's what it's there for.
00:27:36.600 --> 00:27:37.800
Great idea.
00:27:38.040 --> 00:27:43.240
You know, fear can play a huge role in financial decisions after divorce.
00:27:43.480 --> 00:27:53.720
How do you help someone separate the question, can I afford this from the fear that says I'm never going to be okay financially again?
00:27:54.040 --> 00:27:55.640
Yeah, that's a big one.
00:27:55.800 --> 00:28:00.920
That's pretty much the main answer that everyone's looking for is am I going to be okay?
00:28:01.240 --> 00:28:07.240
And that's a lot of what we have to look at is okay, what do we want from our lives after the divorce or after the loss?
00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:07.640
Right.
00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:10.040
And that's the answer that we have to get to.
00:28:10.520 --> 00:28:16.600
We don't know what the next day holds, but we can help try to predict are we going to be okay tomorrow morning when we wake up?
00:28:16.680 --> 00:28:17.000
Right.
00:28:17.160 --> 00:28:20.120
And a lot of that too is we call it protection planning also.
00:28:20.600 --> 00:28:26.360
Do we need to get life insurance on that ex-spouse to make sure we can cover alimony should they ask, right?
00:28:26.600 --> 00:28:32.200
Do I want to get life insurance for myself to protect my kids since I had to just take on a mortgage on my own, right?
00:28:32.360 --> 00:28:34.600
Like that might be the asset I want to leave them.
00:28:34.840 --> 00:28:37.320
Do I have my estate documents updated?
00:28:37.560 --> 00:28:44.440
My will, my health care directive, my power of attorney, because you certainly don't want your ex-spouse making healthcare decisions for you, right?
00:28:44.520 --> 00:28:48.520
And so if you don't update those bad boys really quick, it could happen, right?
00:28:48.759 --> 00:28:51.400
Well, that handles itself outside of the will.
00:28:51.480 --> 00:28:53.560
That's beneficiary designating, right?
00:28:53.720 --> 00:28:56.600
A lot of us forget to go back in and move that spouse off.
00:28:56.759 --> 00:28:58.200
So am I going to be okay?
00:28:58.360 --> 00:29:03.240
These are these small actions of that protection plan that made you feel like you're in control again.
00:29:03.480 --> 00:29:06.040
And so we can help with the numbers, right?
00:29:06.120 --> 00:29:17.240
And really say, okay, if you spend$3,500 a month on everything outside of rent, you'll be within the parameters as long as you keep working and earn X amount of dollars that we can keep it going.
00:29:17.560 --> 00:29:23.400
But the actions to feel like you're in control of your life again, yeah, that's the protection plane.
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:24.680
That's those movements.
00:29:24.840 --> 00:29:27.000
Anything we can control, we're going to.
00:29:27.160 --> 00:29:29.480
And that's the empowerment part of it.
00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:38.280
One of the themes of this podcast, Bat Not Broken, is that starting over doesn't mean starting from nothing.
00:29:38.680 --> 00:29:46.440
Looking back at the woman you were at 40, what strengths did you discover in yourself that you didn't realize you had at the time?
00:29:49.080 --> 00:29:49.400
Okay.
00:29:51.080 --> 00:29:54.280
I didn't realize how resilient I truly was.
00:29:55.000 --> 00:30:00.920
And so after my husband passed, and after I even started in this career, I went back to become a grief recovery specialist.
00:30:01.080 --> 00:30:02.440
Best thing I ever did.
00:30:02.600 --> 00:30:08.600
Because it really shows you on a timeline of life all the bumps in the road up until now.
00:30:09.080 --> 00:30:10.840
And all those bumps in the road, right?
00:30:10.920 --> 00:30:12.759
That we were like, oh yeah, that happened.
00:30:12.920 --> 00:30:15.400
Oh my God, we don't realize how much we learned from it.
00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:20.120
And so through that process, you go back and be like, okay, yeah, like when I was younger, my parents divorced.
00:30:20.200 --> 00:30:21.400
What did I learn from that?
00:30:21.640 --> 00:30:22.040
Right.
00:30:22.280 --> 00:30:25.480
And I learned that it was okay to be alone, right?
00:30:25.560 --> 00:30:27.160
Like I was strong, right?
00:30:27.240 --> 00:30:29.960
Like my mom had to go back to work and I could handle dinner.
00:30:30.120 --> 00:30:35.640
Like, that's how I felt when I like did my Roy Rogers shift and came home and made dinner for my mom and the whole bit.
00:30:35.800 --> 00:30:38.360
I knew I could stand on my own two feet, right?
00:30:38.440 --> 00:30:43.880
And so when I lost my husband, I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, I can stand on my own two feet.
00:30:44.040 --> 00:30:45.800
Like I can be in this house on my own.
00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:46.759
I can do this.
00:30:46.920 --> 00:30:50.360
So resiliency was a big thing that I learned.
00:30:50.600 --> 00:30:54.680
I think another thing I learned was forgiveness for myself, right?
00:30:54.920 --> 00:31:01.800
You make some decisions as a sole parent, and when you're on your own, and sometimes in grief, and sometimes in anger and frustration, right?
00:31:01.960 --> 00:31:04.200
And maybe it could have been handled different, right?
00:31:04.280 --> 00:31:07.320
I always say you can't control what someone else does, can't control what God does.
00:31:07.400 --> 00:31:08.680
You can only control what you did.
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:10.759
And a decision you made is a decision you made.
00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:11.960
Keep moving forward.
00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:17.960
But sometimes we have regret or sometimes we hurt someone's feelings because we're taking care of just us for a little bit.
00:31:18.120 --> 00:31:22.440
And it's okay to forgive yourself, and it's okay to ask someone to forgive you, right?
00:31:22.759 --> 00:31:31.000
Because I had to go back to someone in-laws about two years later and be like, ooh, I know I told you to butt out of my business, but I knew you just cared.
00:31:31.400 --> 00:31:32.040
I'm sorry.
00:31:32.920 --> 00:31:33.560
Big love there.
00:31:34.040 --> 00:31:34.520
Big love there.
00:31:34.759 --> 00:31:40.840
So resiliency, asking for forgiveness and actually just to live the next best minute.
00:31:41.320 --> 00:31:44.360
That is something I just stand by.
00:31:44.840 --> 00:31:50.920
You anything could happen to our kids, to ourselves, to our house, to our nation, to anything.
00:31:51.080 --> 00:31:55.080
So what are you gonna do in the next best minute that just fills you with joy?
00:31:55.800 --> 00:32:01.880
And I swear when you make decisions that way, everything seems great and hopeful and wonderful.
00:32:02.040 --> 00:32:03.720
So it didn't always feel that way.
00:32:03.880 --> 00:32:04.840
It does now.
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:07.320
I love that advice.
00:32:08.120 --> 00:32:18.840
I want to end with for the women listening right now who may be newly separated or recently divorced or widowed, and they're simply terrified about their financial future.
00:32:19.160 --> 00:32:30.759
If she feels lost and doesn't know where to begin, what are the first three things you would tell her to do this week to begin taking back control of her life and her finances?
00:32:31.480 --> 00:32:33.080
One, the cash reserve.
00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:41.720
Start saving towards that, getting cash put together, give it to your mom, give it to your sister, give it to your best friend, but having some cash available, big thing.
00:32:41.880 --> 00:32:43.480
Another thing, passwords.
00:32:43.800 --> 00:32:50.520
Make sure that you are getting your credentials, that you have your passwords pulled together, that you're organized.
00:32:50.840 --> 00:32:52.520
We call it getting the house in order.
00:32:52.600 --> 00:32:56.440
It's your financial house, understanding your credit moving forward.
00:32:56.600 --> 00:33:01.720
I really lean in to even my blended families, that annualcreditreport.com that we said.
00:33:01.960 --> 00:33:07.080
For my blended families, we asked them to both pull a copy and then trade at the table.
00:33:07.320 --> 00:33:13.720
Like you're now showing all your wares to this person as you should, because you're about to get married again.
00:33:13.960 --> 00:33:15.560
But things really do happen.
00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:18.200
You either forget about accounts or you don't know they were open.
00:33:18.280 --> 00:33:22.600
So cash reserve, organize yourself, get those passwords pulled together.
00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:24.840
So many things are out there digitally, right?
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:34.040
Start either get a password aggregator electronically and start putting them together and actually taking statements that you can and starting to save them.
00:33:34.200 --> 00:33:37.480
Like some things that are just paper.
00:33:37.640 --> 00:33:41.800
If you can get them on a PDF version and a document, try that.
00:33:42.120 --> 00:33:45.000
Try that and then pull that annualcreditreport.com.
00:33:45.080 --> 00:33:47.160
It is it is eye-opening.
00:33:47.880 --> 00:33:48.520
Great.
00:33:48.920 --> 00:33:55.560
Donna, we call this show Bent Not Broken because life can bend us in ways that we have never imagined.
00:33:55.800 --> 00:34:00.360
But those experiences don't have to define the rest of our story.
00:34:00.520 --> 00:34:04.040
What does bent not broken mean to you today?
00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:08.440
That we are not the person that we were before, right?
00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:11.320
Like we're bent, we're different, right?
00:34:11.400 --> 00:34:13.559
Not every road is straight, right?
00:34:13.719 --> 00:34:20.599
Doesn't mean that anything's wrong with us because we weren't the person we were before the divorce, before the loss, and that's okay.
00:34:20.759 --> 00:34:23.000
Who could expect us to be the same person?
00:34:23.159 --> 00:34:25.719
Now, deep in our core is our soul, probably right there.
00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:31.000
Yeah, we have our core who we are, but bent, not broken is exactly it.
00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:33.320
In the wind, trees bent, right?
00:34:33.480 --> 00:34:34.199
They have to.
00:34:34.360 --> 00:34:37.880
It's part of it, and sometimes they lose leaves along the way, right?
00:34:37.960 --> 00:34:39.159
Because the wind's so hard.
00:34:39.239 --> 00:34:40.519
You're gonna lose parts of you.
00:34:40.599 --> 00:34:48.119
You might lose friends, you might lose finances, you might, but at the end, you're gonna be standing tall again, but different.
00:34:48.359 --> 00:34:49.559
That's okay.
00:34:50.679 --> 00:34:53.559
Thank you so much, Donna, for this conversation today.
00:34:53.639 --> 00:34:57.159
I'll have all of your information in the show notes.
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:03.639
And again, I thank you and appreciate your time and all the great advice you'd provided.
00:35:03.799 --> 00:35:04.199
Thank you.
00:35:04.440 --> 00:35:05.159
Thank you for having me.
00:35:05.319 --> 00:35:05.960
Much appreciated.
00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:40.920
What happens when the life you carefully planned suddenly becomes a life you never expected?
00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:46.120
Loss, divorce, and starting over don't just change our relationships.
00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:51.719
They can change our identity, our confidence, and our entire financial future.
00:00:51.960 --> 00:01:00.120
And when you're already overwhelmed emotionally, figuring out what to do with your money can feel almost impossible.
00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:05.960
My guest today understands that experience both personally and professionally.
00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:19.240
Donna Kendrick became a widow at just 40 years old when her husband passed away unexpectedly, leaving her to raise her three children while navigating grief and some very big life decisions.
00:01:19.560 --> 00:01:31.319
That experience ultimately led Donna to reinvent her career and become a certified financial planner professional and a certified divorce financial analyst.
00:01:31.799 --> 00:01:45.879
Today, Donna is the founder of Sefton Financial, where she specializes in helping families navigate major life transitions, including widowhood, divorce, remarriage, and blended families.
00:01:46.120 --> 00:02:01.239
She's also the host of Widow, Wisdom, and Wealth, and the author of several financial guides, including her newest book, The Divorce Money Map: Taking Control of Your Finances Before, During, and After Divorce.
00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:06.840
Donna's story is really about something we talk about often here on Bent Not Broken.
00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:15.319
When life changes without your permission, how do you find your footing and begin writing your next chapter?
00:02:15.639 --> 00:02:18.519
Donna, welcome to Bent Not Broken.
00:02:18.920 --> 00:02:20.759
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:22.120
I really enjoy being here.
00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:23.879
Yes, me too.
00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:26.280
Let's start with your story.
00:02:26.519 --> 00:02:29.800
You were only 40 when your husband passed away.
00:02:30.599 --> 00:02:33.800
And suddenly you were raising three children on your own.
00:02:34.040 --> 00:02:40.439
What do you remember most about those first days and months when the life you knew changed so dramatically?
00:02:41.240 --> 00:02:43.000
Yeah, I mean, oof.
00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:45.639
God, I'm already almost to tears already.
00:02:45.879 --> 00:02:47.560
Oh no, it's all good.
00:02:47.639 --> 00:02:49.639
It was 13 years ago, right?
00:02:49.720 --> 00:02:51.959
But you can go right back to that moment.
00:02:52.519 --> 00:02:59.399
And I remember standing there, literally the the evening he passed, thinking, oh what now?
00:02:59.560 --> 00:02:59.879
Right?
00:02:59.959 --> 00:03:11.079
Like all of those dreams, all of those future goals, all of our shared expectations for the next 10 years, 20 years, kids' weddings, educating them, all of it.
00:03:11.319 --> 00:03:13.399
Just changed, right?
00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:19.800
Because not only did I just lose my husband who I shared those dreams with, but I lost the breadwinner, right?
00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:25.160
I was only making$17,000 a year working part-time, like so many spouses.
00:03:25.399 --> 00:03:31.399
And I say, well, majority of us ladies, I had taken a break from my full-time employment to follow his career.
00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:39.240
He had worked abroad, and so it was kind of difficult for me to carry on my career while we were moving almost every two years.
00:03:39.399 --> 00:03:40.839
What was I going to do next?
00:03:41.000 --> 00:03:43.639
How was I going to pace this all together?
00:03:44.040 --> 00:03:47.240
And I had an eight-year-old, an 11-year-old, a 12-year-old.
00:03:47.399 --> 00:03:50.120
We had just moved two to three months beforehand.
00:03:50.279 --> 00:03:54.759
So all of our extra cash was kind of wound up into that real estate transaction.
00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:56.680
So I'm a financial planner now.
00:03:56.759 --> 00:04:04.120
We always talk about cash reserves, three to six months of what you need in case there's an unemployment or a pandemic or a death.
00:04:04.279 --> 00:04:06.680
We had used all that for the deposit on the house.
00:04:06.839 --> 00:04:10.040
So I was looking at no credit cards in my name, right?
00:04:10.199 --> 00:04:12.680
I should have known better, but it was just life.
00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:14.680
We were young, we're bobbing and weaving.
00:04:14.839 --> 00:04:22.759
So when he died, his shared credit, if I was an authorized user on his card, went to and no extra cash and no income.
00:04:22.920 --> 00:04:24.920
And oh my, what next?
00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:25.800
Yeah.
00:04:26.519 --> 00:04:27.160
Wow.
00:04:28.519 --> 00:04:32.680
There's an emotional side of loss, but there's also the practical side.
00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:43.000
So when someone is grieving or separating or going through a divorce, they're often expected to make enormous financial decisions at exactly that time.
00:04:43.319 --> 00:04:48.199
And they're the least emotionally equipped to make them.
00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:51.079
What do you tell someone in that position?
00:04:51.639 --> 00:05:00.759
Yeah, I mean, so here what we work with now, and that's why we specialize and niche our market into these families in transition, because we do it a little differently.
00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:10.039
I like to say we add a little love back into financial planning, but what we're really doing is being very patient and being very empathetic because there's some decisions that have to be made right away.
00:05:10.199 --> 00:05:12.839
There's some forms that have to be submitted right away.
00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:16.120
And then there's decisions that we can actually put on pause.
00:05:16.279 --> 00:05:18.439
Maybe that's for the transitional time, right?
00:05:18.519 --> 00:05:24.120
So there's the immediate decisions, there's the transitional decisions, and then there's those long-term decisions.
00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:29.399
If someone would have asked me within the first year of Greg dying, oh, tell me about retirement.
00:05:29.479 --> 00:05:30.279
What are your dreams?
00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:31.959
Like, do you want to have a second house?
00:05:32.279 --> 00:05:37.879
I probably would have marched out of that conference room because there was nothing dreamy about my life that time.
00:05:38.039 --> 00:05:43.560
The dreamy part was waking up every day, putting two feet on the ground, brushing my teeth, maybe my hair, right?
00:05:43.639 --> 00:05:46.519
Like that's the things I was trying to accomplish at that moment.
00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:49.719
The kids look much better than me for that whole first year.
00:05:49.959 --> 00:05:57.000
But yeah, so now I'm actually going back to school again because I really believe in learning because sometimes we only know what we know.
00:05:57.159 --> 00:06:00.039
So we have to go out and learn more and experience it.
00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:06.439
And I'm with the Financial Transitionist Institute, and they always say that there's three different or many different stages, right?
00:06:06.519 --> 00:06:16.519
So there's the for many people in divorce, or if they know someone that's going to pass due to maybe a long-term illness, there's that anticipation of what's going to happen.
00:06:16.680 --> 00:06:19.719
And then the ending, the divorce finalizes, right?
00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:21.319
Or that person passes.
00:06:21.639 --> 00:06:23.639
And then we have what's new, right?
00:06:23.719 --> 00:06:26.039
Like, what are we going to process now?
00:06:26.360 --> 00:06:29.879
And through there, sometimes excitement and freedom, a new opportunity.
00:06:29.959 --> 00:06:33.879
And then a lot of that is grief and confusion and overwhelm.
00:06:33.959 --> 00:06:37.959
And I'm sorry, we sometimes we all just get nervous and we freeze, right?
00:06:38.360 --> 00:06:43.639
Like we just freeze and we don't do anything because we don't know what to do next.
00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:54.839
And then when you get through that processing stage, that's where you start to have that long-term growth, that anticipation of what's next, the ability to dream or to think longer.
00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:58.839
So we are always trying to say, where are these decisions we have to make?
00:06:58.919 --> 00:07:01.879
And that's all we're making for decisions right now, right?
00:07:02.120 --> 00:07:03.399
As well as what's next.
00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:05.079
And that goes for good and bad.
00:07:05.240 --> 00:07:08.199
Sometimes trying to bring new funds in if we don't have any.
00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:14.439
And sometimes in either divorce or widowhood, all of a sudden a whole bunch of we call it liquid money comes to us.
00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:21.159
Maybe you sold the family house and now you have$200,000 free cash, not tied up in IRA.
00:07:21.319 --> 00:07:22.519
What are we gonna do then?
00:07:22.680 --> 00:07:26.439
I'm live in Philadelphia and I say when I'm depressed, I like a tasty cake.
00:07:26.599 --> 00:07:29.479
I like to eat that chocolate cupcake and I just like to eat it quick, right?
00:07:29.719 --> 00:07:33.639
And I know it's not good for me, and I know it's off my diet, but it just makes me feel better.
00:07:33.879 --> 00:07:35.479
A lot of people do that with cash.
00:07:35.639 --> 00:07:37.240
I deserve that Corvette.
00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:38.599
I deserve that trip.
00:07:38.680 --> 00:07:39.719
There's a bit about that.
00:07:39.879 --> 00:07:45.719
We're sometimes just trying to make ourselves feel after that whole anticipation and that ending part, right?
00:07:45.879 --> 00:07:49.959
But we have to be so careful because for many of us have we call it sudden money.
00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:52.439
Who hasn't we haven't had money like that before?
00:07:52.599 --> 00:07:56.039
All of a sudden a life insurance comes in or that settlement comes in.
00:07:56.279 --> 00:07:57.719
And what do we do next?
00:07:57.800 --> 00:07:59.479
Are we making those best decisions?
00:07:59.639 --> 00:08:07.959
So I always love to open up what I call a holding account, which is like, okay, so if we get 200,000, here's 20,000 into your regular checking and savings.
00:08:08.199 --> 00:08:15.800
The rest of it, my financial advisor is going to put in a holding account, FDIC, guaranteed, just sitting there making a little bit of interest, right?
00:08:16.120 --> 00:08:18.279
But it's just not readily available.
00:08:18.439 --> 00:08:21.000
You have to call someone and be like, hey, can you transfer that?
00:08:21.159 --> 00:08:28.839
That call is sometimes just that barrier to giving a 24 hours before a bad decision or an expensive decision.
00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:29.959
Is that helpful?
00:08:30.360 --> 00:08:31.240
Very helpful.
00:08:31.399 --> 00:08:34.360
What are some of the more immediate decisions?
00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:40.360
Like, especially someone's going through a divorce or they just lost their husband or spouse.
00:08:40.680 --> 00:08:43.399
I've mentioned it already in this conversation, cash reserve.
00:08:43.560 --> 00:08:44.600
You're on your own now.
00:08:44.680 --> 00:08:49.399
So you need to have six months of your basic living, not lifestyle, basic living.
00:08:49.560 --> 00:08:53.800
What bills do you have to pay for it not to go on your credit report as a missed payment, right?
00:08:54.039 --> 00:08:57.639
What do we have to pay to keep our car and not have someone repossess it?
00:08:57.800 --> 00:08:59.560
Those are the basic living costs.
00:08:59.720 --> 00:09:01.080
Are we eating out all the time?
00:09:01.240 --> 00:09:05.560
No, we're trying to cover just having oodles of noodles and maybe a salad here and there, right?
00:09:05.799 --> 00:09:16.120
So take that, and I always recommend that someone living into a new situation, divorced and now maybe having to live in an apartment on rent, track what you're spending for three months.
00:09:16.279 --> 00:09:23.080
I'm not endorsing anything, but many of my clients use, if they need the paper, they actually use a journal called Clever Fox.
00:09:23.240 --> 00:09:27.319
And you can get it on like Amazon, places like that, all the different formats of it.
00:09:27.399 --> 00:09:33.720
But physically tracking everything you're doing for three months, if you're an app junkie, tons of great apps out there.
00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:37.960
And then that basic cost of living, multiply that times six.
00:09:38.039 --> 00:09:39.240
That's your cash reserve.
00:09:39.480 --> 00:09:42.279
You want to have that put aside that as your first savings goal.
00:09:42.360 --> 00:09:46.360
And if maybe you have one of those lump sum payments of liquid cash that goes aside.
00:09:46.439 --> 00:09:49.240
When I say liquid cash, that's something you can get to in 24 hours.
00:09:49.399 --> 00:09:54.600
It might be a CD that can be broken, a money market account, a savings or we can call it cold hard cash.
00:09:54.759 --> 00:09:56.919
Wrap it up in butcher paper and put it in your freezer.
00:09:57.080 --> 00:09:57.960
Cold hard cash.
00:09:58.120 --> 00:09:58.600
That's it.
00:09:58.759 --> 00:09:59.319
I don't care.
00:09:59.399 --> 00:10:00.279
Don't tell anyone.
00:10:00.439 --> 00:10:02.039
Just put it in there, right?
00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:06.519
The second thing I always say too is make sure you pull your credit report.
00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:09.319
And you can do that at annualcreditreport.com.
00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:14.360
And if you haven't done that in the process of a divorce, even before the divorce settlement, it's really important.
00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:19.319
You want to make sure what accounts you have open, what accounts are in your name, where does your credit stand.
00:10:19.399 --> 00:10:21.720
The credit report won't tell you that FICO score.
00:10:21.799 --> 00:10:24.919
It's going to tell you what accounts are there, what balance are being used.
00:10:25.159 --> 00:10:33.080
Because unfortunately, some people find out after the fact that maybe there was an account opened jointly that they didn't know about, and that wasn't part of the discovery in a divorce.
00:10:33.159 --> 00:10:35.799
It doesn't mean it was intentionally left off.
00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:39.399
It might have been that Macy's or Sears card back in the 1990s, right?
00:10:39.559 --> 00:10:40.199
That you both got.
00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:42.600
Like we're gonna we're gonna say everyone's playing fair here.
00:10:42.759 --> 00:10:44.120
That's a big thing.
00:10:44.439 --> 00:10:47.960
So make sure you have your cash reserve, make sure you pull your annual credit report.
00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:59.319
And then the third thing that I would always do is just making sure that what you want for the next two years, your goals.
00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:01.639
So those I still call those immediate goals.
00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:03.480
Those next two years are very clear.
00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:05.480
And I always say write them down, right?
00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:07.639
So what do I where do I want to be in three years?
00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:09.159
Where do I want to be in one year?
00:11:09.319 --> 00:11:10.840
Where do I want to be this quarter?
00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:12.519
Where do I want to be this month?
00:11:12.759 --> 00:11:15.799
And it's not and be I want you to be optimistic.
00:11:15.879 --> 00:11:16.679
I want you to write them down.
00:11:16.759 --> 00:11:19.480
I want you to read them to yourself every day.
00:11:19.639 --> 00:11:20.519
A sentence for each.
00:11:20.600 --> 00:11:22.039
And I'm talking about your finances.
00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:27.240
Like I want to be independent, I want to be out of credit card debt, I want to have a down payment for a second home, right?
00:11:27.319 --> 00:11:34.519
It's always, I don't mind people putting out on rent after a transition, especially divorce, because sometimes you're just finding your new self.
00:11:34.679 --> 00:11:36.679
You don't know if your job's still gonna be here.
00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:45.639
Like getting wrapped up into another house, even though I love real estate as an investment, might not be what we need when we're emotionally making decisions at the same time.
00:11:45.799 --> 00:11:48.759
It's a holding period, just like that holding account I'm talking about.
00:11:48.919 --> 00:11:52.360
Look at like an apartment as okay, I'm just gonna breathe here, right?
00:11:52.439 --> 00:11:53.799
And then you make big decisions.
00:11:53.960 --> 00:12:00.039
But I always say three-year goal, one year goal, quarter goal, 30-day goal, what am I doing today?
00:12:00.360 --> 00:12:01.319
Not asking a dream.
00:12:01.399 --> 00:12:06.279
I'm just saying directional to get yourself moving in that right direction as you make decisions.
00:12:06.439 --> 00:12:12.840
You'll find as the days go on, you make decisions saying, Well, that helped me get to that three-year goal in your back subconscious of your mind.
00:12:13.559 --> 00:12:22.600
Even if you had to put a post-it notes on your refrigerator or on your bathroom mirror, keep those goals forefront and remind yourself every day.
00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:29.559
Yeah, how does credit card debt you experience this all of a sudden?
00:12:29.720 --> 00:12:34.679
The credit cards were gone because they were pretty much joint or in your husband's name.
00:12:34.840 --> 00:12:39.639
And I I know back in back in the day that was that was the thing.
00:12:39.879 --> 00:12:45.080
But how do women going through divorce or just losing her husband navigate that?
00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:48.919
All of a sudden, they they don't have any credit to their name.
00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:51.159
Yeah, I mean, it's a huge thing.
00:12:51.319 --> 00:13:00.360
I was lucky, I had one card, American Express, kept me on because I had an account before I married my husband, and then they kind of morphed it into one account for us.
00:13:00.439 --> 00:13:03.240
And to this day, I am very, very loyal to them.
00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:10.919
I am just simply because that is the one thing that gave me credit that gives me my 35 years of credit history right now.
00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:14.039
But these are the things that actually make a difference.
00:13:14.279 --> 00:13:15.639
How do we deal with it?
00:13:15.879 --> 00:13:23.240
One, if you are taking, like, let's say it's a divorce situation, that's something to navigate with your attorney or your mediator, like who's taking the debt?
00:13:23.480 --> 00:13:24.519
Is it getting paid off?
00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:28.279
Is there life insurance to cover the debt if you took it on the other person?
00:13:28.439 --> 00:13:29.240
Things like that.
00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:32.120
You can negotiate as part of the divorce.
00:13:32.439 --> 00:13:36.039
A lot of it is also it's just a math game.
00:13:36.199 --> 00:13:37.799
Is this one at 16.9%?
00:13:38.199 --> 00:13:39.319
Is this one at 5%?
00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:39.960
Right.
00:13:40.120 --> 00:13:46.840
And I know a lot of people talk about the juggle of like, hey, I'm gonna do salad transfer, pay 3%, and then I have a whole year.
00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:52.759
Well, that might not be a horrible idea if you're gonna get away from a credit card that's 16.9%.
00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:56.120
You don't have too many hits on your credit.
00:13:56.199 --> 00:13:59.639
We always say try to keep it to less than two a year if you can.
00:13:59.879 --> 00:14:01.559
We call it a full credit hit.
00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:03.799
If you're gonna buy a car or put down for a house.
00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:06.039
And again, let's think about that three-year goal.
00:14:06.199 --> 00:14:07.799
What do I want in the next three years?
00:14:07.879 --> 00:14:12.039
So, how do I have to be careful with my credit if we're applying for a new credit card, right?
00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:20.679
Those things all can affect your credit score, as well as the amount of credit you have available to you and the percentage of credit used.
00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:24.919
Those are things we have to be really careful of as we're moving forward.
00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:31.000
I think another thing we want to just make sure of too, especially for our widows and widowers out there.
00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:38.519
Sometimes if it was purchases in our late spouse's name that did not support the family, be able to have those removed.
00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:44.120
So we recommend you getting representation and calling each credit card company.
00:14:44.279 --> 00:14:46.919
I've seen many times where nope, you guys have to pay that.
00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:48.759
Like that was for groceries, it's on you.
00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:50.519
It's a family support, right?
00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:56.039
And then I've seen times being like, you're you're right, you didn't get anything at the store that wasn't you, right?
00:14:56.120 --> 00:14:57.559
So very separate that way.
00:14:57.720 --> 00:15:04.279
But I would always say have a credit advisor, or if you have an attorney or your financial advisor, share those phone calls.
00:15:04.439 --> 00:15:05.960
Because again, the world's spinning.
00:15:06.120 --> 00:15:09.559
You have seven different phone calls you have to make, each one a little different.
00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:12.120
That one was joint, one was just authorized user.
00:15:12.199 --> 00:15:15.559
You can see what purchases versus the spouse made, things like that.
00:15:15.720 --> 00:15:17.000
But is that helpful?
00:15:17.319 --> 00:15:18.519
Very helpful.
00:15:18.919 --> 00:15:44.759
So if you're getting a divorce and you're giving up the debt and your ex or soon-to-be ex takes, say, the American Express debt and you take on the Macy's debt, how can a woman protect herself and her credit score should the ex-spouse fail to make those payments on that American Express card?
00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:53.799
Or I guess vice versa, if you fail to make your payments, how do you do that or navigate that without affecting your own credit score?
00:15:54.279 --> 00:16:04.759
What you have to just remember, too, is that you have credit in your name, so does your ex-spouse, and then you have credit that credit cards or accounts that might be held jointly.
00:16:04.919 --> 00:16:07.319
So again, anything you do affects your score.
00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:08.919
Anything they do affects theirs.
00:16:09.080 --> 00:16:11.080
Anything done jointly affects you both, right?
00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:13.399
Like I always use this example and I'm not proud.
00:16:13.720 --> 00:16:17.879
Signed a student loan for my daughter, and she was in charge of all the payments.
00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:29.559
She missed a payment for$80 and then missed the makeup payment for the next$80 and kept it very quiet from her financial planner mom until mom saw her credit score go down.
00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:36.600
I was furious with her because I would have given her the 80 bucks to make sure my credit score didn't go down.
00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:38.679
But you don't listen to your mom, right?
00:16:39.080 --> 00:16:40.279
So it didn't absorb.
00:16:40.439 --> 00:16:45.240
For those, you want to make sure that part of the divorce settlement is your name goes off those cards.
00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:52.039
So make sure before you agree to anything that you are calling America Express or you are calling Macy's, and your name is taken off.
00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:55.559
And if not, then really reconsider if this is part of the negotiation.
00:16:55.720 --> 00:16:57.960
If you're selling a family home, it might be okay.
00:16:58.120 --> 00:16:59.639
We're gonna take the cash from the home.
00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:03.159
We both need it for a deposit on a new home, but we're gonna pay off that debt, right?
00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:05.799
Because I don't want it being carried in my name.
00:17:05.960 --> 00:17:12.759
Many of the times they will actually end the card, but not end your obligation to keep paying, if that makes sense.
00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:13.559
That makes sense.
00:17:13.960 --> 00:17:15.400
Everyone needs a card in their own name.
00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:16.200
Correct.
00:17:16.440 --> 00:17:16.759
Okay.
00:17:18.279 --> 00:17:26.039
So you had an interesting experience where you actually decided to reinvent your career.
00:17:26.600 --> 00:17:33.080
How did you go from navigating your own loss to deciding this is the work I'm meant to do?
00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:38.920
So before this, I mean, I was still my blessing for my parents, I was well educated.
00:17:39.080 --> 00:17:42.520
I had my master's, I did financial forecasting for the pharma industry.
00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:45.400
Again, gave up my career to follow my husband abroad.
00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:47.320
And there was just something in me.
00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:59.640
Maybe it was the nuns of the Eastern Orthodox high school that scared me to death because I wasn't Eastern Orthodox and I didn't know what I was walking into, but they just put such a grit, such a drive into us.
00:18:00.120 --> 00:18:03.960
No was never an option, or I can't was never an option.
00:18:04.120 --> 00:18:07.800
So I think I always just knew deep in my belly I was going to be okay.
00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.160
I knew I was educated, I knew I had a little zest to me, right?
00:18:11.320 --> 00:18:21.560
I knew what hard work was, you know, came from a blue-collar family, saw my dad just maybe not be there for dinner and maybe not be there when the sun came down, but we certainly had food on the table, right?
00:18:21.640 --> 00:18:24.280
Like he just would just go for it.
00:18:24.360 --> 00:18:26.840
And I was like, okay, I know I've seen that example.
00:18:26.920 --> 00:18:28.040
I can do it.
00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:30.440
So yeah, I was working part-time.
00:18:30.520 --> 00:18:33.480
And so I did keep that part-time job that was in my kids' school.
00:18:33.560 --> 00:18:35.240
So that way I could mimic their schedule.
00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:38.600
We had three kids in three different schools, and this the years went on.
00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:41.640
One in the high school, one in the middle school, one in the grade school, right?
00:18:41.800 --> 00:18:49.560
And so as a sole parent, it's all I could do to make sure that I knew who had off on, you know, the 19th of whatever.
00:18:50.120 --> 00:18:50.759
Who knew?
00:18:51.080 --> 00:18:51.400
Right.
00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:53.640
So that worked for me.
00:18:53.800 --> 00:18:57.640
But I had that, my late husband and I had a financial planner before he passed.
00:18:57.720 --> 00:19:00.040
So we did have life insurance intact, right?
00:19:00.120 --> 00:19:02.200
And which was really phenomenal.
00:19:02.360 --> 00:19:05.800
That's what allowed me to educate my kids later in life and keep my home.
00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:07.240
So I knew I had that.
00:19:07.400 --> 00:19:09.320
But I moved financial planners.
00:19:09.400 --> 00:19:19.000
About 70% of women usually do after a loss or transition in their lives, simply because maybe you weren't the point of contact for that financial planner.
00:19:19.080 --> 00:19:22.440
You didn't really have the relationship, or you just needed something different.
00:19:22.520 --> 00:19:23.640
And that's what I needed.
00:19:23.800 --> 00:19:26.600
So I actually reached out to my sister-in-law.
00:19:26.840 --> 00:19:33.800
Her girlfriend had a husband who passed suddenly of a heart attack, four young kids, and I knew she was okay watching her from afar.
00:19:33.960 --> 00:19:35.000
And I was like, Can you call her?
00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:37.080
Can you find out who her financial planner is?
00:19:37.240 --> 00:19:38.920
Whoever it is, I'm gonna talk to them.
00:19:39.240 --> 00:19:41.960
That's the person that became my financial planner, right?
00:19:42.120 --> 00:19:43.560
And it was just so wonderful.
00:19:43.720 --> 00:19:45.640
Like he really did slow the roll.
00:19:45.800 --> 00:19:48.600
He always had tissues on the table if I needed it.
00:19:48.759 --> 00:19:54.759
He looked horrified when I sobbed in his room, but it was simply because I was a little overwhelming.
00:19:54.840 --> 00:20:01.320
I'm dramatic, but he was so good about it and just really allowed me to be like, okay, you do need to go back to work.
00:20:01.480 --> 00:20:06.520
You have about this much time if we keep X amount of dollars out of life insurance.
00:20:06.759 --> 00:20:09.240
Social Security came in for my kids, right?
00:20:09.400 --> 00:20:12.280
So you can kind of keep things together for about two years.
00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:15.880
Then after that, mama, you gotta start making some more money, right?
00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:18.920
Like your kids are gonna age out, you're gonna lose social security.
00:20:19.080 --> 00:20:22.440
I always say that to my divorce clients like child support isn't forever.
00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:26.120
Alimony can go away if you don't have life insurance backing it.
00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.240
So we need to know what we have to bring in.
00:20:29.560 --> 00:20:36.200
And so at that two-year mark, I really did look back at what was most impactful to me during that time of loss.
00:20:36.360 --> 00:20:46.040
And it really was that help of that financial planner, that man that was just so patient, and his team that just took me through Social Security, how to apply, helped me.
00:20:46.120 --> 00:20:49.480
My husband was a big fan of US savings bonds, the paper ones.
00:20:49.640 --> 00:20:49.800
Yes.
00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:54.520
They audited all of those so I could go cash them in.
00:20:54.600 --> 00:20:59.160
Like they were my team when I couldn't make these decisions for myself.
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:03.800
And so yeah, I went to my financial advisor, was like, hey, for this career thing that you said I had to do.
00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:04.360
He's like, Yeah.
00:21:04.520 --> 00:21:05.800
I was like, I want to do what you did for me.
00:21:05.880 --> 00:21:10.759
He's like, whoa, but he actually gave me all of the education that I would need.
00:21:10.920 --> 00:21:13.560
I did go back to school to take the CFP coursework.
00:21:13.800 --> 00:21:16.040
It wasn't even licensed state or federally yet.
00:21:16.120 --> 00:21:21.480
I wanted to make sure I liked this business because I wasn't going to go recreate my career for it.
00:21:21.640 --> 00:21:25.480
I went back to school while my kids were still in school.
00:21:25.640 --> 00:21:27.000
I was still working part-time.
00:21:27.240 --> 00:21:39.000
So it was me nights and weekends studying, sitting next to the baseball field, studying, and then mentored under that advisor for three years in the middle of the pandemic, hung my own shingle, we call it Stefton Financial is the name of my company.
00:21:39.160 --> 00:21:44.120
That's my maiden name, given for that blue-collar dad of mine who said he would never have his name on a door.
00:21:44.280 --> 00:21:45.240
He doesn't have now.
00:21:45.560 --> 00:21:45.720
Right.
00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:47.320
And then we just stayed in mission.
00:21:47.400 --> 00:21:48.200
That's really what I say.
00:21:48.280 --> 00:22:06.440
Like I had a blessing of this huge change in my life, which I can call it a blessing now, but I would never, I don't think I ever would have done this type of work, which is so fulfilling and holds hands of the people who need it and makes such an impact on not just my clients' lives, but the next generation.
00:22:06.680 --> 00:22:11.720
We're even finding the impact of helping somebody with their finances when they're the sandwich generation.
00:22:11.880 --> 00:22:14.920
They have to take care of their parents and their home while they're still raising kids.
00:22:15.080 --> 00:22:16.840
Like a lot of divorcees are in that.
00:22:16.920 --> 00:22:20.360
They're just trying to get their own boots back on, and here comes mom and dad.
00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:21.960
It's like, oh god.
00:22:22.120 --> 00:22:23.640
So it's just such a blessing.
00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:24.680
And yeah, that's it.
00:22:24.759 --> 00:22:26.120
I would never turn back time.
00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:29.720
Never love that story.
00:22:31.720 --> 00:22:33.480
So you just wrote a book called The Divorce.
00:22:33.720 --> 00:22:35.080
Divorce money map.
00:22:35.320 --> 00:22:38.520
Why did you feel this particular book needed to be written?
00:22:38.600 --> 00:22:46.200
And what do you want someone going through a divorce to understand before they start negotiating their financial future?
00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:48.120
So we wrote two other books.
00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:51.720
One was The Guide to Widowhood, one was a guide to blended families.
00:22:51.800 --> 00:22:54.600
And yep, my publisher's like, all right, here comes the guide to divorce.
00:22:54.680 --> 00:22:57.400
And I just, it didn't feel right.
00:22:57.640 --> 00:22:59.640
The other story, the other ones were stories.
00:22:59.720 --> 00:23:03.880
One, my own story of widowhood and the stories of many of the widows I worked with and experienced.
00:23:04.040 --> 00:23:06.759
The other one was my own stubborn story about blending.
00:23:06.840 --> 00:23:07.800
I am remarried again.
00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:09.400
We have six kids under one roof.
00:23:09.480 --> 00:23:10.280
It's wonderful.
00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:14.040
But I went in kicking and screaming, not like, oh yeah, getting married again.
00:23:14.120 --> 00:23:17.160
I wasn't losing this independence I fought so hard for.
00:23:17.480 --> 00:23:18.759
Now, back it up.
00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:19.960
I did, and it's wonderful.
00:23:20.120 --> 00:23:21.000
So glad I did.
00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:22.200
But that's what that was about.
00:23:22.360 --> 00:23:28.360
Even though I have my CDFA, I just didn't feel right writing a book about divorce of stories.
00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:29.960
These people are in their own story.
00:23:30.120 --> 00:23:32.040
They're trying to slow that whirl, right?
00:23:32.120 --> 00:23:35.000
The swirl that's going around them, like that sandstorm.
00:23:35.160 --> 00:23:48.680
And what I've seen with so many of the clients I worked with is that they are paying hundreds of dollars per hour for their divorce attorney to help them organize their finances simply for discovery, simply for what's it going to cost them to be them.
00:23:48.840 --> 00:23:50.520
Can they afford to keep the house?
00:23:50.680 --> 00:23:51.160
Things like that.
00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:55.960
And a lot of these attorneys are great in the courtroom, but they don't have a degree in finance, right?
00:23:56.120 --> 00:24:03.800
I only know one attorney who has a master's of finance, and he's one of the ones I recommend all the time because I really believe people need this.
00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:05.240
And so I went to my publisher.
00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:06.759
Can I do a workbook?
00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:12.759
I just want to give people who maybe most of us have one person in the relationship that's savvy with the money.
00:24:12.920 --> 00:24:15.160
The other person is savvy with trust, right?
00:24:15.560 --> 00:24:19.160
And if you're not that savvy person with the money, you don't even know where to start.
00:24:19.320 --> 00:24:22.920
So this workbook takes you from pulling your annual credit report.
00:24:23.080 --> 00:24:23.880
What do I own?
00:24:24.040 --> 00:24:24.840
What do I owe?
00:24:25.080 --> 00:24:26.600
What credit cards are in my name?
00:24:26.759 --> 00:24:27.400
What is not?
00:24:27.560 --> 00:24:29.000
And a lot of this can be done.
00:24:29.080 --> 00:24:40.680
I always say, like, hide the book under your passenger's seat in your driver's car if you have not made it public that you think you're headed towards divorce, because you do want access to all that information, right?
00:24:40.840 --> 00:24:44.680
We all usually have a lockbox or that filing cabinet under the bed.
00:24:44.840 --> 00:24:47.000
Well, you want to go start looking there, right?
00:24:47.160 --> 00:24:50.600
We want to start looking for life insurance policies, things like that.
00:24:50.840 --> 00:24:51.880
We want to pull our credit.
00:24:51.960 --> 00:24:57.160
And so this really shows us from the left to the right of the book what information do we need?
00:24:57.320 --> 00:24:58.280
Where's our income?
00:24:58.360 --> 00:24:59.640
Where are our liabilities?
00:24:59.960 --> 00:25:01.880
What's an asset I had before the marriage?
00:25:02.040 --> 00:25:04.520
What did he or she have before the marriage, right?
00:25:04.680 --> 00:25:06.120
What did I might inherit?
00:25:06.360 --> 00:25:14.120
A lot of people don't understand the actual financial rules to some of that money if it was still in your name versus being brought over and put in a joint account.
00:25:14.280 --> 00:25:16.920
So this book takes you through that roadmap.
00:25:17.080 --> 00:25:24.600
So by the time you get to your attorney, you can hand them the front page of the book and be like, hi, this is me financially.
00:25:24.840 --> 00:25:28.840
It's gonna help with discovery and hopefully save you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
00:25:29.000 --> 00:25:30.040
Well, hundreds of dollars.
00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:32.200
I hope the divorce didn't go to thousands.
00:25:32.360 --> 00:25:34.120
But yeah, that's really what it's about.
00:25:34.200 --> 00:25:36.600
And then a lot of the pages duplicate.
00:25:36.759 --> 00:25:39.720
What's it gonna cost me to be me after the divorce?
00:25:39.880 --> 00:25:41.240
Let's do it again, right?
00:25:41.400 --> 00:25:45.400
Not that we're trying to dream, but we're trying to say, all right, what do I need to stay afloat?
00:25:45.480 --> 00:25:50.520
What do I need to ask for in this divorce, or how much of my own salary do I need to make sure I preserve?
00:25:50.759 --> 00:25:52.440
That's a big part of it.
00:25:53.640 --> 00:26:00.680
And I love that because you're it's part of going back to what you said before about having the goals and stuff in place.
00:26:00.840 --> 00:26:19.480
So if you know you're heading for a divorce, you do have to plan on what your life is now versus what it could be right after the divorce, what you need to do, what you need to have, if kids are in the picture, how much money are you gonna need to raise them?
00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:21.800
So I love the idea of that workbook.
00:26:22.040 --> 00:26:22.600
Yeah, thank you.
00:26:22.680 --> 00:26:25.720
And I'm gonna add, we actually have those pages in the back of the workbook.
00:26:25.880 --> 00:26:26.120
Okay.
00:26:26.520 --> 00:26:42.920
We have your 10-year goal, your five-year goal, your three-year goal, your one-year goal, the next 90 days, the next 30 days, but we have it broken out into what is your, what do you want from yourself, the personal goals, the goals for the community, the goals for my career, the goals for my mission, right?
00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:50.920
Like we want everyone to remember that they are a whole person because sometimes you just feel like you're reactive or you're shattered or you're just less than.
00:26:51.080 --> 00:26:59.240
Well, no, we want every little part of you to really be focused because it's not just, like I said in the beginning, putting my feet next to the bed that day.
00:26:59.400 --> 00:27:03.480
Someday you feel like that, but we want everyone to remember they're a whole person moving forward.
00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:11.480
And the other part of the book we have is 365 really like squares of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
00:27:11.640 --> 00:27:14.759
And it's not really a planner, it's for those conversations.
00:27:15.160 --> 00:27:24.920
So many conversations happen when you're going through a divorce, like this attorney and this mediator and this child supports, you know, safe line and everything else.
00:27:25.080 --> 00:27:30.600
And I want everyone to be able to have a place to just grab and write down who that was, what the conversation was.
00:27:30.759 --> 00:27:34.680
And then that way you can actually refer back to it in a chronological way.
00:27:34.840 --> 00:27:36.120
That's what it's there for.
00:27:36.600 --> 00:27:37.800
Great idea.
00:27:38.040 --> 00:27:43.240
You know, fear can play a huge role in financial decisions after divorce.
00:27:43.480 --> 00:27:53.720
How do you help someone separate the question, can I afford this from the fear that says I'm never going to be okay financially again?
00:27:54.040 --> 00:27:55.640
Yeah, that's a big one.
00:27:55.800 --> 00:28:00.920
That's pretty much the main answer that everyone's looking for is am I going to be okay?
00:28:01.240 --> 00:28:07.240
And that's a lot of what we have to look at is okay, what do we want from our lives after the divorce or after the loss?
00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:07.640
Right.
00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:10.040
And that's the answer that we have to get to.
00:28:10.520 --> 00:28:16.600
We don't know what the next day holds, but we can help try to predict are we going to be okay tomorrow morning when we wake up?
00:28:16.680 --> 00:28:17.000
Right.
00:28:17.160 --> 00:28:20.120
And a lot of that too is we call it protection planning also.
00:28:20.600 --> 00:28:26.360
Do we need to get life insurance on that ex-spouse to make sure we can cover alimony should they ask, right?
00:28:26.600 --> 00:28:32.200
Do I want to get life insurance for myself to protect my kids since I had to just take on a mortgage on my own, right?
00:28:32.360 --> 00:28:34.600
Like that might be the asset I want to leave them.
00:28:34.840 --> 00:28:37.320
Do I have my estate documents updated?
00:28:37.560 --> 00:28:44.440
My will, my health care directive, my power of attorney, because you certainly don't want your ex-spouse making healthcare decisions for you, right?
00:28:44.520 --> 00:28:48.520
And so if you don't update those bad boys really quick, it could happen, right?
00:28:48.759 --> 00:28:51.400
Well, that handles itself outside of the will.
00:28:51.480 --> 00:28:53.560
That's beneficiary designating, right?
00:28:53.720 --> 00:28:56.600
A lot of us forget to go back in and move that spouse off.
00:28:56.759 --> 00:28:58.200
So am I going to be okay?
00:28:58.360 --> 00:29:03.240
These are these small actions of that protection plan that made you feel like you're in control again.
00:29:03.480 --> 00:29:06.040
And so we can help with the numbers, right?
00:29:06.120 --> 00:29:17.240
And really say, okay, if you spend$3,500 a month on everything outside of rent, you'll be within the parameters as long as you keep working and earn X amount of dollars that we can keep it going.
00:29:17.560 --> 00:29:23.400
But the actions to feel like you're in control of your life again, yeah, that's the protection plane.
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:24.680
That's those movements.
00:29:24.840 --> 00:29:27.000
Anything we can control, we're going to.
00:29:27.160 --> 00:29:29.480
And that's the empowerment part of it.
00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:38.280
One of the themes of this podcast, Bat Not Broken, is that starting over doesn't mean starting from nothing.
00:29:38.680 --> 00:29:46.440
Looking back at the woman you were at 40, what strengths did you discover in yourself that you didn't realize you had at the time?
00:29:49.080 --> 00:29:49.400
Okay.
00:29:51.080 --> 00:29:54.280
I didn't realize how resilient I truly was.
00:29:55.000 --> 00:30:00.920
And so after my husband passed, and after I even started in this career, I went back to become a grief recovery specialist.
00:30:01.080 --> 00:30:02.440
Best thing I ever did.
00:30:02.600 --> 00:30:08.600
Because it really shows you on a timeline of life all the bumps in the road up until now.
00:30:09.080 --> 00:30:10.840
And all those bumps in the road, right?
00:30:10.920 --> 00:30:12.759
That we were like, oh yeah, that happened.
00:30:12.920 --> 00:30:15.400
Oh my God, we don't realize how much we learned from it.
00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:20.120
And so through that process, you go back and be like, okay, yeah, like when I was younger, my parents divorced.
00:30:20.200 --> 00:30:21.400
What did I learn from that?
00:30:21.640 --> 00:30:22.040
Right.
00:30:22.280 --> 00:30:25.480
And I learned that it was okay to be alone, right?
00:30:25.560 --> 00:30:27.160
Like I was strong, right?
00:30:27.240 --> 00:30:29.960
Like my mom had to go back to work and I could handle dinner.
00:30:30.120 --> 00:30:35.640
Like, that's how I felt when I like did my Roy Rogers shift and came home and made dinner for my mom and the whole bit.
00:30:35.800 --> 00:30:38.360
I knew I could stand on my own two feet, right?
00:30:38.440 --> 00:30:43.880
And so when I lost my husband, I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, I can stand on my own two feet.
00:30:44.040 --> 00:30:45.800
Like I can be in this house on my own.
00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:46.759
I can do this.
00:30:46.920 --> 00:30:50.360
So resiliency was a big thing that I learned.
00:30:50.600 --> 00:30:54.680
I think another thing I learned was forgiveness for myself, right?
00:30:54.920 --> 00:31:01.800
You make some decisions as a sole parent, and when you're on your own, and sometimes in grief, and sometimes in anger and frustration, right?
00:31:01.960 --> 00:31:04.200
And maybe it could have been handled different, right?
00:31:04.280 --> 00:31:07.320
I always say you can't control what someone else does, can't control what God does.
00:31:07.400 --> 00:31:08.680
You can only control what you did.
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:10.759
And a decision you made is a decision you made.
00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:11.960
Keep moving forward.
00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:17.960
But sometimes we have regret or sometimes we hurt someone's feelings because we're taking care of just us for a little bit.
00:31:18.120 --> 00:31:22.440
And it's okay to forgive yourself, and it's okay to ask someone to forgive you, right?
00:31:22.759 --> 00:31:31.000
Because I had to go back to someone in-laws about two years later and be like, ooh, I know I told you to butt out of my business, but I knew you just cared.
00:31:31.400 --> 00:31:32.040
I'm sorry.
00:31:32.920 --> 00:31:33.560
Big love there.
00:31:34.040 --> 00:31:34.520
Big love there.
00:31:34.759 --> 00:31:40.840
So resiliency, asking for forgiveness and actually just to live the next best minute.
00:31:41.320 --> 00:31:44.360
That is something I just stand by.
00:31:44.840 --> 00:31:50.920
You anything could happen to our kids, to ourselves, to our house, to our nation, to anything.
00:31:51.080 --> 00:31:55.080
So what are you gonna do in the next best minute that just fills you with joy?
00:31:55.800 --> 00:32:01.880
And I swear when you make decisions that way, everything seems great and hopeful and wonderful.
00:32:02.040 --> 00:32:03.720
So it didn't always feel that way.
00:32:03.880 --> 00:32:04.840
It does now.
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:07.320
I love that advice.
00:32:08.120 --> 00:32:18.840
I want to end with for the women listening right now who may be newly separated or recently divorced or widowed, and they're simply terrified about their financial future.
00:32:19.160 --> 00:32:30.759
If she feels lost and doesn't know where to begin, what are the first three things you would tell her to do this week to begin taking back control of her life and her finances?
00:32:31.480 --> 00:32:33.080
One, the cash reserve.
00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:41.720
Start saving towards that, getting cash put together, give it to your mom, give it to your sister, give it to your best friend, but having some cash available, big thing.
00:32:41.880 --> 00:32:43.480
Another thing, passwords.
00:32:43.800 --> 00:32:50.520
Make sure that you are getting your credentials, that you have your passwords pulled together, that you're organized.
00:32:50.840 --> 00:32:52.520
We call it getting the house in order.
00:32:52.600 --> 00:32:56.440
It's your financial house, understanding your credit moving forward.
00:32:56.600 --> 00:33:01.720
I really lean in to even my blended families, that annualcreditreport.com that we said.
00:33:01.960 --> 00:33:07.080
For my blended families, we asked them to both pull a copy and then trade at the table.
00:33:07.320 --> 00:33:13.720
Like you're now showing all your wares to this person as you should, because you're about to get married again.
00:33:13.960 --> 00:33:15.560
But things really do happen.
00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:18.200
You either forget about accounts or you don't know they were open.
00:33:18.280 --> 00:33:22.600
So cash reserve, organize yourself, get those passwords pulled together.
00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:24.840
So many things are out there digitally, right?
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:34.040
Start either get a password aggregator electronically and start putting them together and actually taking statements that you can and starting to save them.
00:33:34.200 --> 00:33:37.480
Like some things that are just paper.
00:33:37.640 --> 00:33:41.800
If you can get them on a PDF version and a document, try that.
00:33:42.120 --> 00:33:45.000
Try that and then pull that annualcreditreport.com.
00:33:45.080 --> 00:33:47.160
It is it is eye-opening.
00:33:47.880 --> 00:33:48.520
Great.
00:33:48.920 --> 00:33:55.560
Donna, we call this show Bent Not Broken because life can bend us in ways that we have never imagined.
00:33:55.800 --> 00:34:00.360
But those experiences don't have to define the rest of our story.
00:34:00.520 --> 00:34:04.040
What does bent not broken mean to you today?
00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:08.440
That we are not the person that we were before, right?
00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:11.320
Like we're bent, we're different, right?
00:34:11.400 --> 00:34:13.559
Not every road is straight, right?
00:34:13.719 --> 00:34:20.599
Doesn't mean that anything's wrong with us because we weren't the person we were before the divorce, before the loss, and that's okay.
00:34:20.759 --> 00:34:23.000
Who could expect us to be the same person?
00:34:23.159 --> 00:34:25.719
Now, deep in our core is our soul, probably right there.
00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:31.000
Yeah, we have our core who we are, but bent, not broken is exactly it.
00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:33.320
In the wind, trees bent, right?
00:34:33.480 --> 00:34:34.199
They have to.
00:34:34.360 --> 00:34:37.880
It's part of it, and sometimes they lose leaves along the way, right?
00:34:37.960 --> 00:34:39.159
Because the wind's so hard.
00:34:39.239 --> 00:34:40.519
You're gonna lose parts of you.
00:34:40.599 --> 00:34:48.119
You might lose friends, you might lose finances, you might, but at the end, you're gonna be standing tall again, but different.
00:34:48.359 --> 00:34:49.559
That's okay.
00:34:50.679 --> 00:34:53.559
Thank you so much, Donna, for this conversation today.
00:34:53.639 --> 00:34:57.159
I'll have all of your information in the show notes.
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:03.639
And again, I thank you and appreciate your time and all the great advice you'd provided.
00:35:03.799 --> 00:35:04.199
Thank you.
00:35:04.440 --> 00:35:05.159
Thank you for having me.
00:35:05.319 --> 00:35:05.960
Much appreciated.
