WEBVTT
00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:03.520
Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles.
00:00:03.680 --> 00:00:14.880
Today we're talking about what happens when a secure attached person ends a relationship with an avoidant, and I can promise you it looks nothing like an anxious attached breakup.
00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:33.759
If you're joining me for the first time, I'm Annalisa Bahadour, and I help you to decode the attachment style so that you could have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't quite share your likes and dislikes or doesn't speak the same love language as you do.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:41.359
And today's topic, we're talking about when someone wants to end a relationship, what it should look like.
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:45.039
What is the healthy version of breaking up?
00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:51.119
And what we find is that the anxious attached has a very different way of going about a breakup.
00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:59.039
You probably want to be more securely attached, and this podcast episode is going to give you the know-how.
00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:01.119
And then you could just practice that.
00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:13.040
Now, the difference between an anxious attached person and a secure attached person ending a relationship is the anxious attached person will say, I can't do this anymore, but they keep doing it.
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:21.840
When a secure attached person ends the relationship, they say, This isn't working for me, and they actually mean it and they walk away.
00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:30.079
Now, if you haven't hit the subscribe button as yet, I would encourage you to do that so that when new episodes pop out, you will be the first to get them.
00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:34.159
First, let's talk about why secure attached people leave.
00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:40.480
A secure attached person is not going to leave just because they don't like a simple thing.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:50.879
They leave when they feel like the avoidant attached person's patterns are not improving.
00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:57.439
They feel when their needs are not being met, this is a good time to leave.
00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:00.719
They've spoken up and there is no follow-through.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:10.560
They feel like they're not getting anywhere in this relationship, no matter how much they communicate, what their needs are, what their expectations are, that's a time for them to leave.
00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:16.159
They leave when they feel like communication is poor and it doesn't improve.
00:02:16.400 --> 00:02:31.360
They leave when they feel like effort is one-sided and they just can't keep giving and giving, and they know that, but they don't leave when an avoidant attached person says or communicates their need for space.
00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:36.960
When I talk about space, I'm not talking about a week or two or three or just disappearing.
00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:50.479
When an emotionally healed, avoidant attached person needs space, they're going to say, hey, I'm feeling a little dysregulated, I feel a little overwhelmed right now, I need a few hours, or I need a day to just de-stress.
00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:56.240
When someone's leaving for days and weeks and months, that is not taking space.
00:02:56.479 --> 00:03:03.919
That is them checking out of the relationship or showing you that the relationship isn't as important as they're saying.
00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:16.400
A secure attached person will also leave if they feel, or won't leave if they feel like their partner, their avoidant partner needs constant affirmation.
00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:18.400
That would not be a reason to leave.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:25.520
However, they will have a conversation about it because a secure attached person is not going to constantly validate their partner.
00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:53.360
If something's happening and they feel like this is that person's issue, what I'm saying is that they're not going to take everything personally.
00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:55.439
So these are not reasons for them to leave.
00:03:55.520 --> 00:04:04.159
If their partner needs space and communicates that, if their partner needs confirmation, affirmation, or validation, that's not a reason for them to leave.
00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:10.240
They're not going to leave if their partner needs to feel independent or autonomy.
00:04:10.400 --> 00:04:17.360
They respect that every individual is still an individual, even in a relationship, and they don't take things personally.
00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:25.600
Now, what does the timeline look like when a secure attached person is thinking of leaving the relationship?
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:27.759
The process looks like this.
00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:34.800
Month one to three, they think, let me give this some space and see how the relationship develops.
00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:37.519
Now, this is not in every relationship.
00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:53.199
There's some relationships where the secure attached person will notice that their partner is, or a potential partner, is really being inconsistent, inconsiderate, disrespectful, you know, breadcrumbing.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.639
These are relationships that they can end within a month.
00:04:56.879 --> 00:05:09.680
Talking about relationships here, one to three months, where it's like things are happening, they're they're noticing patterns they don't really like, but they talk about it and then they're noticing change or at least some effort.
00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:12.639
So in that time, they'll say, you know what?
00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.079
A month within a month or three, let me see how this works out.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:18.879
Let me see if the relationship develops.
00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:30.879
Month four to six, they start to think, you know what, if the patterns are still kind of there, but this person's making an effort, let me have a clear conversation.
00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:35.920
Let me let me set my expectations as clearly as I possibly could.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:43.439
By month seven or nine, it's shaky, efforts are being made.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:51.040
Looks like it's heading in the right direction, but it's still not where the secure attached person wants it to be.
00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.399
They're going to be thinking around seven to nine months.
00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:56.319
I've set my boundaries.
00:05:56.560 --> 00:05:59.839
Let's see if this can be honored.
00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:01.279
I've spoken up.
00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:03.839
These are heavy boundaries for me now.
00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:08.560
Month 10, they start to think nothing's really changed.
00:06:08.879 --> 00:06:10.480
I have to leave.
00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:18.079
Now, I know we tend to think that a secure attached person sees something, they don't like it, and they're gone.
00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:21.920
No, they don't have that cancel culture mindset.
00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:26.319
They don't drop and run every time something gets uncomfortable.
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:32.240
These are people who know that we're all different individuals and we show up differently.
00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:35.120
It doesn't mean that it's a horrible person.
00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:42.000
Sometimes it takes a while to adjust to each other to get to know the other person, what the other person likes and doesn't like.
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:57.519
But there are cases where some people are unwilling to learn about their partner's patterns and needs and accommodate in the relationship or compromise or show up with equal effort.
00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:05.839
And because of that, it takes a little while to get to know people, get to, you know, you give them a chance to show up for you.
00:07:05.920 --> 00:07:09.839
So secure attached people don't just drop and run.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:21.759
When we just, you know, shut people off that quickly without having some really solid evidence in the first month or so that this relationship's not going to go anywhere.
00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:43.680
Those are the people who drop and run are either anxious attached who wants things to move at the pace they want it to, and that's usually fast-paced relationships, or the avoidant attached person who isn't getting the kind of validation that they need, or they're getting too close to the person too fast and they run away.
00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:55.360
A secure attached person will take their time giving a relationship a chance to develop if they see that it's a relationship that can possibly develop.
00:07:55.600 --> 00:08:05.120
Now, what are warning signs to notice and what makes a secure attached person start considering leaving this relationship?
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:32.159
If the avoidant attached person promises to communicate better and doesn't, if the cycles of closeness and distance stay the same, if emotional availability never increases, so they're just not present, they're not making plans, they're unable to have deeper conversation, everything just stays surface level.
00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:38.879
If plans keep getting canceled, that does not work the first or the first time they'll talk about it.
00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:44.799
The second time they bring it back to attention, and then they will not wait the third time, they'll just get about their lives.
00:08:44.879 --> 00:08:49.120
It doesn't mean they end a relationship, but you've just proven to be unreliable.
00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:52.960
And so they're not going to sit around and wait for you to show up.
00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:55.039
They're going to go ahead and make plans with you.
00:08:55.120 --> 00:09:03.600
And if you make last-minute plans, they'll say something like, I'm sorry, I've been waiting, or I didn't hear from you, and I went ahead and I made my plans.
00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:08.879
They're going to consider leaving for sure if there's any bread crumbing instead of consistency.
00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:27.840
So if you have a habit of saying, Yeah, let's meet up sometime, but you never really plan, or yeah, it would be really nice to see you, but there are no plans, or just texting and no call to meet up, that's a reason for them to walk away because they're what they're seeing is that you're not showing any interest.
00:09:28.639 --> 00:09:39.279
They are also very weary of dating people who are not doing any healing work, no growth, no change, no therapy.
00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:46.879
They know that patterns will not change unless the person takes active effort in changing.
00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:59.279
What they will generally do, and this is after being in a relationship for a few months, they're going to try to have a conversation.
00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:03.759
The first attempt is going to look or sound something like this.
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:06.480
I need more consistency in our communication.
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:08.000
Can we work on that?
00:10:08.159 --> 00:10:13.440
They use we word to bring together, you know, a shared interest.
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:16.240
Both of you are working on this together.
00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:21.759
It's a project for both of you, a relationship where both of you will benefit.
00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:28.159
The second attempt is going to sound like this pattern is still happening.
00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:31.279
I really need to see some change.
00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:35.200
That is almost a hidden threat.
00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:39.200
It's a way of saying, hey, I'm pointing this out.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:47.279
And if I do walk out on this relationship, if I have to end this relationship, then I've covered my tracks.
00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:48.000
I've told you.
00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:50.159
I've already mentioned to you.
00:10:50.799 --> 00:11:00.399
If there is a third attempt, and this is rarely the case, because they generally just give one or two chances.
00:11:00.559 --> 00:11:01.519
That's it.
00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:09.279
If they're the you they need to have a third conversation, it's going to sound like this.
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:17.279
I've asked for this multiple times, and I see little effort or no effort.
00:11:17.840 --> 00:11:25.120
And when they say multiple times, they're not talking about 10, 15 times of asking for the same thing.
00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:27.120
They mean twice.
00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:28.559
That's it.
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:30.639
Because they don't talk much.
00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:42.720
They know if they communicate what they're feeling, and the other person is unable to show up for them as they need, they're going to see that in their actions and nothing more.
00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:47.519
They don't need a person to talk, they need they need to see movement.
00:11:48.559 --> 00:11:52.080
Here are some things that a secure attached person will not do.
00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:58.000
A secure attached person will refuse to keep having the same conversation.
00:11:58.720 --> 00:12:01.440
They're not going to beg for respect.
00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:02.879
That is a given.
00:12:02.960 --> 00:12:05.919
That is a that is a known basic.
00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:15.120
We are supposed to respect each other when we want or we say or we need a healthy, happy relationship.
00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:16.559
And this is across the board.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:18.240
This isn't just for partners.
00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:20.159
We must respect each other.
00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:26.480
And they're not going to beg for it because they already know innately that this is something that they should have.
00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:30.399
They're not going to just listen to promises and words.
00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:32.080
They want to see action.
00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:37.840
They are not going to sacrifice themselves or their needs indefinitely.
00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:41.200
They're going to compromise, but they're not sacrificing.
00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:44.799
They're not going to wait for someone to be ready.
00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:54.720
If they meet you and you don't seem to be ready, they're not sitting around waiting for you to wake up, waiting for you to get to therapy, waiting for you to realize, nothing of the sort.
00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:58.320
They know you're not ready right now, and this is who they're dealing with right now.
00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:02.559
They're not dealing with who you might be in a few months or a year.
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:05.279
So that's something that they refuse to do.
00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:07.279
Wait for someone to be ready.
00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:19.200
They're definitely not going to stay in a situation where they're the only ones making an effort, an effort to meet up, an effort to talk, to text, to show care, to show consideration, to move the relationship.
00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:22.240
It has got to be a two-way street.
00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:27.600
They're not going to make excuses for your lack of growth.
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:33.919
If you're not growing, if you're not going to therapy, if you're not working on your healing, then that's just what it is.
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.960
They're going to see it for what it is and call it for what it is.
00:13:37.279 --> 00:13:46.639
Regardless of past traumas, whatever you've gone through, they can appreciate it and empathize with it, but they could say, that is not my problem to fix.
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:51.279
They expect you to dig into yourself, find strength, and do the work on you.
00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:53.039
And they're not sitting around.
00:13:53.200 --> 00:14:01.759
These are not people who are going to compromise what they need in their life right now and their future for whatever it is that you've gone through.
00:14:01.840 --> 00:14:04.240
It doesn't mean that they don't care about what you've gone through.
00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:06.559
It's just that they're seeing it for what it is.
00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:13.200
Kind of like if you have a car and you need to go to a mechanic, someone comes to you and says, Yeah, you know, I've been meaning to do this thing.
00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:15.919
I've been meaning to go to mechanic school.
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:20.720
You're not going to sit around and wait for them to decide to go to school so they could fix your car, right?
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:25.279
You get up and you find somebody who's ready right now to get the car fixed.
00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:26.240
Same as them.
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:28.799
They want a relationship that's healthy, that's going to move.
00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:30.399
They probably want to have kids.
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:32.159
They want to build travel.
00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:36.159
If you're not ready for that, they know you're not in alignment, and that's okay.
00:14:36.320 --> 00:14:37.679
They'll let you go.
00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:40.000
They're not waiting around.
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:45.600
Now, what gets the secure attached person to that decision point?
00:14:46.159 --> 00:15:02.639
It is when the secure attached person realizes they've sat with themselves, they know I've communicated clearly, I've set my boundaries, I've given enough time and space, and I've been patient.
00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:06.879
And nothing has changed.
00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:12.080
What they know and they believe is this is who this person is right now.
00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:16.320
And right now, whoever they are, it doesn't work for me.
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.320
Now, how do they end a relationship?
00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:26.639
They're very clear, they're very kind, but they're also very final.
00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:32.080
There's no ambiguity in what they say, and they don't leave the door open.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:41.840
They're gonna say something like this I care about you or I love you, but this relationship isn't meeting my needs.
00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:46.639
I've communicated what I need, and it's not happening.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:50.639
I'm choosing to let go, and I wish you all the best.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:56.799
They don't say things like, you know, maybe we can be friends.
00:15:57.120 --> 00:16:00.399
They don't make a big dramatic scene.
00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:03.759
They don't list all of their partner's flaws.
00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:06.879
You did this, you didn't do this, you're not good enough.
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:08.639
Nothing of the sort.
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:15.360
They don't try to hurt that person or let that person know how they've been hurt by the relationship.
00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:17.840
They just know it's not working out.
00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:24.000
They don't play the victim, but you did this to me, and I tried really hard, and I've been in this.
00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:25.360
None of that.
00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:32.799
They get angry and hurt, yes, that the relationship didn't work out, but they don't go seeking revenge.
00:16:32.960 --> 00:16:37.600
They don't go badmouthing you to their friends and their family.
00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:42.879
The most people will get is we tried and the relationship didn't work.
00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:52.559
And they're definitely not going to propose keeping in touch, checking in, let's be friends.
00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:59.519
It's going to be one clean break that ends with compassion and consideration.
00:16:59.919 --> 00:17:02.240
But the bottom line is it ends.
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:05.039
Now, what do they do after a breakup?
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:08.240
They're going to go no contact.
00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:10.480
They're not going to check their social media.
00:17:10.559 --> 00:17:18.000
They're not looking to see how many people you've added to your friends' friend list or how many you removed or what stories you're posting.
00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:27.599
They will never send you a miss you text, not because they don't miss you, but it would be because they know it would be very confusing to you.
00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:30.720
And it's it, you know, they could miss you from a distance.
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:32.640
They don't have to tell you about it.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:37.440
They don't hope that you're going to change and come back.
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:44.240
They know it takes a long time for a human being to change, to work on themselves to change.
00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:56.480
And they also know that if you didn't change in the time that you were together, chances are you didn't change a week after you got, you know, you broke up or a month after.
00:17:57.039 --> 00:18:04.960
They're going to take their time processing their grief before they move on with their, you know, into another relationship.
00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:08.240
They are going to get about their life, which is moving on.
00:18:08.400 --> 00:18:14.720
A lot of times I say a person moves on after a breakup, and everybody's like, yeah, you go back into another relationship.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.759
No, moving on doesn't mean you're going into a relationship.
00:18:17.920 --> 00:18:20.960
I remember when I was going through a breakup, I moved on.
00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:23.440
I didn't date somebody else.
00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:33.119
I just wrote a number of books, started new projects with work, focused more on my work, spent time with my kids and my friends.
00:18:33.440 --> 00:18:40.880
Moving on means you're not hung up on the past relationship or hoping that the you're not sitting waiting for them to come back.
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:44.720
You're not looking at their social media, you're not praying and begging.
00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:48.960
You're just focusing on the other areas of your life that you can develop.
00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:51.200
That's what moving on means.
00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:57.680
They also know that they're not going to keep the door open just in case.
00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:01.039
They're not looking at their phone wondering if you texted.
00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:08.240
Because when they end a relationship, they know why they've ended it, and the relationship is done.
00:19:09.279 --> 00:19:21.359
Now, if the avoidant attached person comes back, if it's weeks or months later, and if they say anything like, hey, or I've been thinking about you, can we talk?
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.640
A secure attached person is going to be civil and kind.
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:28.160
They're going to say something like, I appreciate you reaching out, but I've moved on.
00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:31.039
Again, moving on doesn't mean I'm dating somebody else.
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:35.680
It means I've moved on from hoping you and I could ever be anything.
00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:42.000
And then they remind them, I meant what I said, and I do wish you all the best.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:48.960
They don't give second chances without major, major show of change.
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:56.400
And even then, probably not because they know it takes a while for a person to heal and change.
00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:59.519
I'm not saying that people don't get back together.
00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:10.720
I'm saying that when a secure attached person decides that they're going to give you another chance, they're not jumping back in bed with you as soon as you go out or you ask them out.
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:13.119
It's not going to even happen in a month.
00:20:13.359 --> 00:20:18.559
They're taking their time, getting to know you from scratch, the new person that you are now.
00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:22.240
Because what they also recognize is that after the breakup, you've changed.
00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:23.839
They've also changed.
00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:31.519
People process relationships when it ends, and the relationship, the end of the relationship, changes who we are.
00:20:31.680 --> 00:20:33.200
We become different people.
00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:36.480
Now they have to get to know you all over again.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:55.279
And their process in knowing someone before deciding if they really want to commit to someone, it's about six months because they know it takes a while to really see certain parts or personalities in a person that will qualify or disqualify for a lifetime partner.
00:20:55.920 --> 00:21:00.400
So they hit a reset button and say, okay, let's start from scratch.
00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:08.000
Now, why most secure attached people will not give a second chance?
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:16.160
That is because before they break up, they actually went through the process of why the relationship was not going to make it.
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:22.000
They processed that decision before making the decision.
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.720
They communicated their needs at least twice.
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:32.079
They gave enough chances twice.
00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:34.799
They know their worth.
00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:37.279
They trust their judgment.
00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:45.200
And they're not operating from, oh my gosh, what if I break up with this person and I never find someone else again?
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:46.960
Which is scarcity.
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:53.119
They know that there's somebody out there who they will be more compatible with.
00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:58.559
And so when they made that decision, it was a final decision.
00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:05.440
Now A secure attached person is going to walk away from a relationship and they're going to learn from it.
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:06.559
Right?
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:10.319
Their takeaway is I can be patient with someone's pace.
00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:12.079
I can respect their need for space.
00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:14.960
I can appreciate different love languages.
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:19.359
But I can't be in a relationship where my needs don't matter.
00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:21.680
Communication never improves.
00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:26.160
Effort stays one-sided where I'm the one who's always doing the work.
00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:31.279
And this person is just not working on their healing and growing.
00:22:31.759 --> 00:22:34.240
And that is not about attachment style.
00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:35.920
That's about compatibility.
00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:45.119
I know we're talking about avoidant attachment style and a secure attached style here, but they will do exactly the same thing with an anxious attached person.
00:22:45.599 --> 00:22:56.319
You see, the thing is, a secure attached person, they don't feel like the avoidant person is terrible or all avoidance will hurt them, or you never date an avoidant attached person.
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:58.160
Again, they're not blaming that person.
00:22:58.319 --> 00:23:03.440
What they're thinking is that this specific person and I were not compatible.
00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:06.000
They weren't ready for what I needed.
00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:09.039
And we both deserve better matches.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:10.640
That's the way they see it.
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:15.599
That is why most secure attached people, they don't really know about attachment styles.
00:23:15.759 --> 00:23:17.839
Most people don't know about attachment stealth.
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:23.920
So when a secure attached person meets you, they're not wondering, are you anxiously attached or avoidant attached?
00:23:24.079 --> 00:23:26.000
They're just meeting you as an individual.
00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:33.839
Let me see if we are compatible, if we can, you know, have a healthy, fulfilling relationship together.
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:45.359
Now the difference with an anxious attached going through a breakup is that an anxious attached will keep saying, I can't do this, but then they go back.
00:23:46.079 --> 00:23:49.839
Then they say, I really can't do this, but then they still go back.
00:23:50.079 --> 00:23:52.880
And they keep repeating that pattern.
00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:56.400
The secure breakup energy is very, very different.
00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:57.599
This doesn't work for me.
00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:00.880
They leave, they process, they move on, and they're done.
00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:03.200
One is actually a threat.
00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:09.279
One is saying, if you don't do this, I'm out of here, but they never actually leave.
00:24:09.519 --> 00:24:12.960
And the secure attached breakup, that's a boundary.
00:24:13.279 --> 00:24:19.279
That's saying, I will not tolerate this, and I'm moving myself away from this situation.
00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:23.359
Now, what does an avoidant attached person lose?
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:32.960
And like I mentioned a few minutes ago, also a secure attached person lose when a secure attached person leaves.
00:24:34.799 --> 00:25:12.319
They lose someone who gives space without drama, someone who communicated clearly, someone who set reasonable boundaries, someone who stayed calm and consistent, someone who didn't chase control or pressure, someone who actually accepted their pace, who was okay with their pace, someone who helped them to regulate their nervous system.
00:25:13.519 --> 00:25:21.039
The unfortunate thing is they don't really realize it until it's too late.
00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:31.440
If you're securely attached, leave in a comment section if this is how you would handle a breakup or how you've handled a breakup in the past.
00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:36.079
If you're anxiously attached, does this resonate for you?
00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:42.480
Is this something that you wish you could someday become, this secure attached person?
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:46.160
And if it is something that you wish you can become, look in the footnotes.
00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:51.920
I'm going to drop a book here on how to become securely attached if you're anxiously attached.
00:25:52.160 --> 00:26:00.720
You could also keep checking in because right now I am working on a book on how if you're avoidantly attached, you could become securely attached.
00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:02.400
Thank you for listening in.
00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:04.480
I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur.
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:06.480
Until the next episode.
00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:03.520
Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles.
00:00:03.680 --> 00:00:14.880
Today we're talking about what happens when a secure attached person ends a relationship with an avoidant, and I can promise you it looks nothing like an anxious attached breakup.
00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:33.759
If you're joining me for the first time, I'm Annalisa Bahadour, and I help you to decode the attachment style so that you could have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't quite share your likes and dislikes or doesn't speak the same love language as you do.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:41.359
And today's topic, we're talking about when someone wants to end a relationship, what it should look like.
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:45.039
What is the healthy version of breaking up?
00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:51.119
And what we find is that the anxious attached has a very different way of going about a breakup.
00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:59.039
You probably want to be more securely attached, and this podcast episode is going to give you the know-how.
00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:01.119
And then you could just practice that.
00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:13.040
Now, the difference between an anxious attached person and a secure attached person ending a relationship is the anxious attached person will say, I can't do this anymore, but they keep doing it.
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:21.840
When a secure attached person ends the relationship, they say, This isn't working for me, and they actually mean it and they walk away.
00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:30.079
Now, if you haven't hit the subscribe button as yet, I would encourage you to do that so that when new episodes pop out, you will be the first to get them.
00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:34.159
First, let's talk about why secure attached people leave.
00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:40.480
A secure attached person is not going to leave just because they don't like a simple thing.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:50.879
They leave when they feel like the avoidant attached person's patterns are not improving.
00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:57.439
They feel when their needs are not being met, this is a good time to leave.
00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:00.719
They've spoken up and there is no follow-through.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:10.560
They feel like they're not getting anywhere in this relationship, no matter how much they communicate, what their needs are, what their expectations are, that's a time for them to leave.
00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:16.159
They leave when they feel like communication is poor and it doesn't improve.
00:02:16.400 --> 00:02:31.360
They leave when they feel like effort is one-sided and they just can't keep giving and giving, and they know that, but they don't leave when an avoidant attached person says or communicates their need for space.
00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:36.960
When I talk about space, I'm not talking about a week or two or three or just disappearing.
00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:50.479
When an emotionally healed, avoidant attached person needs space, they're going to say, hey, I'm feeling a little dysregulated, I feel a little overwhelmed right now, I need a few hours, or I need a day to just de-stress.
00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:56.240
When someone's leaving for days and weeks and months, that is not taking space.
00:02:56.479 --> 00:03:03.919
That is them checking out of the relationship or showing you that the relationship isn't as important as they're saying.
00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:16.400
A secure attached person will also leave if they feel, or won't leave if they feel like their partner, their avoidant partner needs constant affirmation.
00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:18.400
That would not be a reason to leave.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:25.520
However, they will have a conversation about it because a secure attached person is not going to constantly validate their partner.
00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:53.360
If something's happening and they feel like this is that person's issue, what I'm saying is that they're not going to take everything personally.
00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:55.439
So these are not reasons for them to leave.
00:03:55.520 --> 00:04:04.159
If their partner needs space and communicates that, if their partner needs confirmation, affirmation, or validation, that's not a reason for them to leave.
00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:10.240
They're not going to leave if their partner needs to feel independent or autonomy.
00:04:10.400 --> 00:04:17.360
They respect that every individual is still an individual, even in a relationship, and they don't take things personally.
00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:25.600
Now, what does the timeline look like when a secure attached person is thinking of leaving the relationship?
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:27.759
The process looks like this.
00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:34.800
Month one to three, they think, let me give this some space and see how the relationship develops.
00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:37.519
Now, this is not in every relationship.
00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:53.199
There's some relationships where the secure attached person will notice that their partner is, or a potential partner, is really being inconsistent, inconsiderate, disrespectful, you know, breadcrumbing.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.639
These are relationships that they can end within a month.
00:04:56.879 --> 00:05:09.680
Talking about relationships here, one to three months, where it's like things are happening, they're they're noticing patterns they don't really like, but they talk about it and then they're noticing change or at least some effort.
00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:12.639
So in that time, they'll say, you know what?
00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.079
A month within a month or three, let me see how this works out.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:18.879
Let me see if the relationship develops.
00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:30.879
Month four to six, they start to think, you know what, if the patterns are still kind of there, but this person's making an effort, let me have a clear conversation.
00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:35.920
Let me let me set my expectations as clearly as I possibly could.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:43.439
By month seven or nine, it's shaky, efforts are being made.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:51.040
Looks like it's heading in the right direction, but it's still not where the secure attached person wants it to be.
00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.399
They're going to be thinking around seven to nine months.
00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:56.319
I've set my boundaries.
00:05:56.560 --> 00:05:59.839
Let's see if this can be honored.
00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:01.279
I've spoken up.
00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:03.839
These are heavy boundaries for me now.
00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:08.560
Month 10, they start to think nothing's really changed.
00:06:08.879 --> 00:06:10.480
I have to leave.
00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:18.079
Now, I know we tend to think that a secure attached person sees something, they don't like it, and they're gone.
00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:21.920
No, they don't have that cancel culture mindset.
00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:26.319
They don't drop and run every time something gets uncomfortable.
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:32.240
These are people who know that we're all different individuals and we show up differently.
00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:35.120
It doesn't mean that it's a horrible person.
00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:42.000
Sometimes it takes a while to adjust to each other to get to know the other person, what the other person likes and doesn't like.
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:57.519
But there are cases where some people are unwilling to learn about their partner's patterns and needs and accommodate in the relationship or compromise or show up with equal effort.
00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:05.839
And because of that, it takes a little while to get to know people, get to, you know, you give them a chance to show up for you.
00:07:05.920 --> 00:07:09.839
So secure attached people don't just drop and run.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:21.759
When we just, you know, shut people off that quickly without having some really solid evidence in the first month or so that this relationship's not going to go anywhere.
00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:43.680
Those are the people who drop and run are either anxious attached who wants things to move at the pace they want it to, and that's usually fast-paced relationships, or the avoidant attached person who isn't getting the kind of validation that they need, or they're getting too close to the person too fast and they run away.
00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:55.360
A secure attached person will take their time giving a relationship a chance to develop if they see that it's a relationship that can possibly develop.
00:07:55.600 --> 00:08:05.120
Now, what are warning signs to notice and what makes a secure attached person start considering leaving this relationship?
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:32.159
If the avoidant attached person promises to communicate better and doesn't, if the cycles of closeness and distance stay the same, if emotional availability never increases, so they're just not present, they're not making plans, they're unable to have deeper conversation, everything just stays surface level.
00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:38.879
If plans keep getting canceled, that does not work the first or the first time they'll talk about it.
00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:44.799
The second time they bring it back to attention, and then they will not wait the third time, they'll just get about their lives.
00:08:44.879 --> 00:08:49.120
It doesn't mean they end a relationship, but you've just proven to be unreliable.
00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:52.960
And so they're not going to sit around and wait for you to show up.
00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:55.039
They're going to go ahead and make plans with you.
00:08:55.120 --> 00:09:03.600
And if you make last-minute plans, they'll say something like, I'm sorry, I've been waiting, or I didn't hear from you, and I went ahead and I made my plans.
00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:08.879
They're going to consider leaving for sure if there's any bread crumbing instead of consistency.
00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:27.840
So if you have a habit of saying, Yeah, let's meet up sometime, but you never really plan, or yeah, it would be really nice to see you, but there are no plans, or just texting and no call to meet up, that's a reason for them to walk away because they're what they're seeing is that you're not showing any interest.
00:09:28.639 --> 00:09:39.279
They are also very weary of dating people who are not doing any healing work, no growth, no change, no therapy.
00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:46.879
They know that patterns will not change unless the person takes active effort in changing.
00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:59.279
What they will generally do, and this is after being in a relationship for a few months, they're going to try to have a conversation.
00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:03.759
The first attempt is going to look or sound something like this.
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:06.480
I need more consistency in our communication.
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:08.000
Can we work on that?
00:10:08.159 --> 00:10:13.440
They use we word to bring together, you know, a shared interest.
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:16.240
Both of you are working on this together.
00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:21.759
It's a project for both of you, a relationship where both of you will benefit.
00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:28.159
The second attempt is going to sound like this pattern is still happening.
00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:31.279
I really need to see some change.
00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:35.200
That is almost a hidden threat.
00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:39.200
It's a way of saying, hey, I'm pointing this out.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:47.279
And if I do walk out on this relationship, if I have to end this relationship, then I've covered my tracks.
00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:48.000
I've told you.
00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:50.159
I've already mentioned to you.
00:10:50.799 --> 00:11:00.399
If there is a third attempt, and this is rarely the case, because they generally just give one or two chances.
00:11:00.559 --> 00:11:01.519
That's it.
00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:09.279
If they're the you they need to have a third conversation, it's going to sound like this.
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:17.279
I've asked for this multiple times, and I see little effort or no effort.
00:11:17.840 --> 00:11:25.120
And when they say multiple times, they're not talking about 10, 15 times of asking for the same thing.
00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:27.120
They mean twice.
00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:28.559
That's it.
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:30.639
Because they don't talk much.
00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:42.720
They know if they communicate what they're feeling, and the other person is unable to show up for them as they need, they're going to see that in their actions and nothing more.
00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:47.519
They don't need a person to talk, they need they need to see movement.
00:11:48.559 --> 00:11:52.080
Here are some things that a secure attached person will not do.
00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:58.000
A secure attached person will refuse to keep having the same conversation.
00:11:58.720 --> 00:12:01.440
They're not going to beg for respect.
00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:02.879
That is a given.
00:12:02.960 --> 00:12:05.919
That is a that is a known basic.
00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:15.120
We are supposed to respect each other when we want or we say or we need a healthy, happy relationship.
00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:16.559
And this is across the board.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:18.240
This isn't just for partners.
00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:20.159
We must respect each other.
00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:26.480
And they're not going to beg for it because they already know innately that this is something that they should have.
00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:30.399
They're not going to just listen to promises and words.
00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:32.080
They want to see action.
00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:37.840
They are not going to sacrifice themselves or their needs indefinitely.
00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:41.200
They're going to compromise, but they're not sacrificing.
00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:44.799
They're not going to wait for someone to be ready.
00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:54.720
If they meet you and you don't seem to be ready, they're not sitting around waiting for you to wake up, waiting for you to get to therapy, waiting for you to realize, nothing of the sort.
00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:58.320
They know you're not ready right now, and this is who they're dealing with right now.
00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:02.559
They're not dealing with who you might be in a few months or a year.
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:05.279
So that's something that they refuse to do.
00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:07.279
Wait for someone to be ready.
00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:19.200
They're definitely not going to stay in a situation where they're the only ones making an effort, an effort to meet up, an effort to talk, to text, to show care, to show consideration, to move the relationship.
00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:22.240
It has got to be a two-way street.
00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:27.600
They're not going to make excuses for your lack of growth.
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:33.919
If you're not growing, if you're not going to therapy, if you're not working on your healing, then that's just what it is.
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.960
They're going to see it for what it is and call it for what it is.
00:13:37.279 --> 00:13:46.639
Regardless of past traumas, whatever you've gone through, they can appreciate it and empathize with it, but they could say, that is not my problem to fix.
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:51.279
They expect you to dig into yourself, find strength, and do the work on you.
00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:53.039
And they're not sitting around.
00:13:53.200 --> 00:14:01.759
These are not people who are going to compromise what they need in their life right now and their future for whatever it is that you've gone through.
00:14:01.840 --> 00:14:04.240
It doesn't mean that they don't care about what you've gone through.
00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:06.559
It's just that they're seeing it for what it is.
00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:13.200
Kind of like if you have a car and you need to go to a mechanic, someone comes to you and says, Yeah, you know, I've been meaning to do this thing.
00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:15.919
I've been meaning to go to mechanic school.
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:20.720
You're not going to sit around and wait for them to decide to go to school so they could fix your car, right?
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:25.279
You get up and you find somebody who's ready right now to get the car fixed.
00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:26.240
Same as them.
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:28.799
They want a relationship that's healthy, that's going to move.
00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:30.399
They probably want to have kids.
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:32.159
They want to build travel.
00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:36.159
If you're not ready for that, they know you're not in alignment, and that's okay.
00:14:36.320 --> 00:14:37.679
They'll let you go.
00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:40.000
They're not waiting around.
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:45.600
Now, what gets the secure attached person to that decision point?
00:14:46.159 --> 00:15:02.639
It is when the secure attached person realizes they've sat with themselves, they know I've communicated clearly, I've set my boundaries, I've given enough time and space, and I've been patient.
00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:06.879
And nothing has changed.
00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:12.080
What they know and they believe is this is who this person is right now.
00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:16.320
And right now, whoever they are, it doesn't work for me.
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.320
Now, how do they end a relationship?
00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:26.639
They're very clear, they're very kind, but they're also very final.
00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:32.080
There's no ambiguity in what they say, and they don't leave the door open.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:41.840
They're gonna say something like this I care about you or I love you, but this relationship isn't meeting my needs.
00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:46.639
I've communicated what I need, and it's not happening.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:50.639
I'm choosing to let go, and I wish you all the best.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:56.799
They don't say things like, you know, maybe we can be friends.
00:15:57.120 --> 00:16:00.399
They don't make a big dramatic scene.
00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:03.759
They don't list all of their partner's flaws.
00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:06.879
You did this, you didn't do this, you're not good enough.
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:08.639
Nothing of the sort.
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:15.360
They don't try to hurt that person or let that person know how they've been hurt by the relationship.
00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:17.840
They just know it's not working out.
00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:24.000
They don't play the victim, but you did this to me, and I tried really hard, and I've been in this.
00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:25.360
None of that.
00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:32.799
They get angry and hurt, yes, that the relationship didn't work out, but they don't go seeking revenge.
00:16:32.960 --> 00:16:37.600
They don't go badmouthing you to their friends and their family.
00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:42.879
The most people will get is we tried and the relationship didn't work.
00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:52.559
And they're definitely not going to propose keeping in touch, checking in, let's be friends.
00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:59.519
It's going to be one clean break that ends with compassion and consideration.
00:16:59.919 --> 00:17:02.240
But the bottom line is it ends.
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:05.039
Now, what do they do after a breakup?
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:08.240
They're going to go no contact.
00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:10.480
They're not going to check their social media.
00:17:10.559 --> 00:17:18.000
They're not looking to see how many people you've added to your friends' friend list or how many you removed or what stories you're posting.
00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:27.599
They will never send you a miss you text, not because they don't miss you, but it would be because they know it would be very confusing to you.
00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:30.720
And it's it, you know, they could miss you from a distance.
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:32.640
They don't have to tell you about it.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:37.440
They don't hope that you're going to change and come back.
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:44.240
They know it takes a long time for a human being to change, to work on themselves to change.
00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:56.480
And they also know that if you didn't change in the time that you were together, chances are you didn't change a week after you got, you know, you broke up or a month after.
00:17:57.039 --> 00:18:04.960
They're going to take their time processing their grief before they move on with their, you know, into another relationship.
00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:08.240
They are going to get about their life, which is moving on.
00:18:08.400 --> 00:18:14.720
A lot of times I say a person moves on after a breakup, and everybody's like, yeah, you go back into another relationship.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.759
No, moving on doesn't mean you're going into a relationship.
00:18:17.920 --> 00:18:20.960
I remember when I was going through a breakup, I moved on.
00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:23.440
I didn't date somebody else.
00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:33.119
I just wrote a number of books, started new projects with work, focused more on my work, spent time with my kids and my friends.
00:18:33.440 --> 00:18:40.880
Moving on means you're not hung up on the past relationship or hoping that the you're not sitting waiting for them to come back.
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:44.720
You're not looking at their social media, you're not praying and begging.
00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:48.960
You're just focusing on the other areas of your life that you can develop.
00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:51.200
That's what moving on means.
00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:57.680
They also know that they're not going to keep the door open just in case.
00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:01.039
They're not looking at their phone wondering if you texted.
00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:08.240
Because when they end a relationship, they know why they've ended it, and the relationship is done.
00:19:09.279 --> 00:19:21.359
Now, if the avoidant attached person comes back, if it's weeks or months later, and if they say anything like, hey, or I've been thinking about you, can we talk?
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.640
A secure attached person is going to be civil and kind.
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:28.160
They're going to say something like, I appreciate you reaching out, but I've moved on.
00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:31.039
Again, moving on doesn't mean I'm dating somebody else.
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:35.680
It means I've moved on from hoping you and I could ever be anything.
00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:42.000
And then they remind them, I meant what I said, and I do wish you all the best.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:48.960
They don't give second chances without major, major show of change.
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:56.400
And even then, probably not because they know it takes a while for a person to heal and change.
00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:59.519
I'm not saying that people don't get back together.
00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:10.720
I'm saying that when a secure attached person decides that they're going to give you another chance, they're not jumping back in bed with you as soon as you go out or you ask them out.
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:13.119
It's not going to even happen in a month.
00:20:13.359 --> 00:20:18.559
They're taking their time, getting to know you from scratch, the new person that you are now.
00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:22.240
Because what they also recognize is that after the breakup, you've changed.
00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:23.839
They've also changed.
00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:31.519
People process relationships when it ends, and the relationship, the end of the relationship, changes who we are.
00:20:31.680 --> 00:20:33.200
We become different people.
00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:36.480
Now they have to get to know you all over again.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:55.279
And their process in knowing someone before deciding if they really want to commit to someone, it's about six months because they know it takes a while to really see certain parts or personalities in a person that will qualify or disqualify for a lifetime partner.
00:20:55.920 --> 00:21:00.400
So they hit a reset button and say, okay, let's start from scratch.
00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:08.000
Now, why most secure attached people will not give a second chance?
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:16.160
That is because before they break up, they actually went through the process of why the relationship was not going to make it.
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:22.000
They processed that decision before making the decision.
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.720
They communicated their needs at least twice.
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:32.079
They gave enough chances twice.
00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:34.799
They know their worth.
00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:37.279
They trust their judgment.
00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:45.200
And they're not operating from, oh my gosh, what if I break up with this person and I never find someone else again?
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:46.960
Which is scarcity.
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:53.119
They know that there's somebody out there who they will be more compatible with.
00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:58.559
And so when they made that decision, it was a final decision.
00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:05.440
Now A secure attached person is going to walk away from a relationship and they're going to learn from it.
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:06.559
Right?
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:10.319
Their takeaway is I can be patient with someone's pace.
00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:12.079
I can respect their need for space.
00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:14.960
I can appreciate different love languages.
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:19.359
But I can't be in a relationship where my needs don't matter.
00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:21.680
Communication never improves.
00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:26.160
Effort stays one-sided where I'm the one who's always doing the work.
00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:31.279
And this person is just not working on their healing and growing.
00:22:31.759 --> 00:22:34.240
And that is not about attachment style.
00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:35.920
That's about compatibility.
00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:45.119
I know we're talking about avoidant attachment style and a secure attached style here, but they will do exactly the same thing with an anxious attached person.
00:22:45.599 --> 00:22:56.319
You see, the thing is, a secure attached person, they don't feel like the avoidant person is terrible or all avoidance will hurt them, or you never date an avoidant attached person.
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:58.160
Again, they're not blaming that person.
00:22:58.319 --> 00:23:03.440
What they're thinking is that this specific person and I were not compatible.
00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:06.000
They weren't ready for what I needed.
00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:09.039
And we both deserve better matches.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:10.640
That's the way they see it.
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:15.599
That is why most secure attached people, they don't really know about attachment styles.
00:23:15.759 --> 00:23:17.839
Most people don't know about attachment stealth.
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:23.920
So when a secure attached person meets you, they're not wondering, are you anxiously attached or avoidant attached?
00:23:24.079 --> 00:23:26.000
They're just meeting you as an individual.
00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:33.839
Let me see if we are compatible, if we can, you know, have a healthy, fulfilling relationship together.
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:45.359
Now the difference with an anxious attached going through a breakup is that an anxious attached will keep saying, I can't do this, but then they go back.
00:23:46.079 --> 00:23:49.839
Then they say, I really can't do this, but then they still go back.
00:23:50.079 --> 00:23:52.880
And they keep repeating that pattern.
00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:56.400
The secure breakup energy is very, very different.
00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:57.599
This doesn't work for me.
00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:00.880
They leave, they process, they move on, and they're done.
00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:03.200
One is actually a threat.
00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:09.279
One is saying, if you don't do this, I'm out of here, but they never actually leave.
00:24:09.519 --> 00:24:12.960
And the secure attached breakup, that's a boundary.
00:24:13.279 --> 00:24:19.279
That's saying, I will not tolerate this, and I'm moving myself away from this situation.
00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:23.359
Now, what does an avoidant attached person lose?
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:32.960
And like I mentioned a few minutes ago, also a secure attached person lose when a secure attached person leaves.
00:24:34.799 --> 00:25:12.319
They lose someone who gives space without drama, someone who communicated clearly, someone who set reasonable boundaries, someone who stayed calm and consistent, someone who didn't chase control or pressure, someone who actually accepted their pace, who was okay with their pace, someone who helped them to regulate their nervous system.
00:25:13.519 --> 00:25:21.039
The unfortunate thing is they don't really realize it until it's too late.
00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:31.440
If you're securely attached, leave in a comment section if this is how you would handle a breakup or how you've handled a breakup in the past.
00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:36.079
If you're anxiously attached, does this resonate for you?
00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:42.480
Is this something that you wish you could someday become, this secure attached person?
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:46.160
And if it is something that you wish you can become, look in the footnotes.
00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:51.920
I'm going to drop a book here on how to become securely attached if you're anxiously attached.
00:25:52.160 --> 00:26:00.720
You could also keep checking in because right now I am working on a book on how if you're avoidantly attached, you could become securely attached.
00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:02.400
Thank you for listening in.
00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:04.480
I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur.
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:06.480
Until the next episode.
