Boost Accountability: Overcome the Victim Mentality to Drive Results - Featuring Charles Panarella

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Welcome to P.
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D.
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Party over the podcast for people teams and organizations seeking practical ideas for results in greater happiness.
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I'm your host,
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Stephen martini.
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Let's pause learn and move on P.
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D.
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Party over is brought to you by a line A L.
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Y G N dot company.
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Hi everyone I'm Stephen and welcome to pD party over in this episode we will focus on the importance of being accountable for personal and professional success.
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Our special guest is Charles panna rela assistant director at florida State University international Programs in Florence.
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Italy charlie is italian american with a massive degree in italian language and culture and is currently completing his PhD in applied linguistics from the University of Nevada las Vegas in the episode charlie shares his experience helping college students finding their voice by overcoming the victim mentality accountability is a crucial developmental step for the managers and leaders of tomorrow and an awareness seasoned professionals need to leverage to perform at their best.
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You were born in the state island new york and I love when you talk about your dad,
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why don't you tell me something about your dad?
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Yeah well he was a very special guy.
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I mean he grew up in the 20s,
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he was born in 1922.
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So basically he was you know part of it I kind of skipped a generation let's say because he had me when he was 55 that was like another world unto itself in the United States that generations like the pre World War two generation they have kind of like this.
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Let's say these characteristics of being a very tough skin,
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very hard nosed generation and stuff like that.
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So when he grew up in the twenties,
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you know,
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by the time he became conscious of his own life in terms of like,
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you know,
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when you're a child and you start to realize what's going on,
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uh the great depression had begun and the stock market crashed and stuff like that.
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And then,
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you know,
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my dad basically grew up on the street so he didn't have an education and maybe had a third grade education at best from what he told me.
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He couldn't really read or write so well.
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So all his experience and everything that he taught me was basically how he lived his life.
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And he passed on these different things to me,
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including the love for Italy,
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my cultural background and things like that.
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Yeah.
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He used to tell me all the time,
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you know,
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eventually he's like,
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I have my PhD in the street,
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He said,
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but he always used to say to me all the time,
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Charlie,
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you're green,
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you're green,
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you gotta learn,
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you gotta learn like it didn't happen until I was about 30 years old when we really felt like we were on the same page because for a while we didn't really see eye to eye,
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nothing that we didn't love each other.
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But I mean there were times when we weren't just we weren't on the same page,
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we weren't clicking,
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we weren't getting along,
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you know,
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I was like,
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I was missing him.
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He was missing me.
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And when I say miss,
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I mean misunderstanding and shortly after,
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you know,
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as time passed,
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my mom was on the phone with me and she's like,
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hey,
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you know,
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your dad wants to talk to you because it's on the phone,
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he starts telling me how proud he is of me and you know,
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I'm like 38 years old,
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37 years old,
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waiting to hear this,
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you know?
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But after all these years,
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I'm like,
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you're saying,
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you know,
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because I don't have to worry about you anymore.
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You know,
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you can take care of yourself.
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You know,
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you don't,
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you don't need me for certain things anymore.
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Um,
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you know what to do.
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The greatest compliment he ever gave me.
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He told me that I became the man he always wanted to be.
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Yeah.
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And I never,
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he was actually,
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he's the guy I always,
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it might want to be.
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So we had a mutual respect and love for each other was very deep,
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you shared with me that it was a failed relationship that helped you gaining clarity of the route that you want to take,
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you know,
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with your profession.
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So,
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you know,
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the fast forward a little bit,
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I end up going to college on the west Coast.
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Um,
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you know,
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I meet this girl and it's fantastic.
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You know,
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it's kind of like the first time I ever really fell in love with the girl and uh and so it happened later,
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I was 25 26 you know,
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um and this didn't work out and I was like thinking to myself all the time,
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like when my mom and dad taught me this,
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they said this is a family and this is the way this has got to be an etcetera etcetera etcetera.
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I'm thinking,
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I kept beating my head against the wall and thinking,
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what,
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what went wrong?
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I don't get it,
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I don't understand,
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this has to be something to do,
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this has to have something to do with my upbringing where I come from,
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but I think it goes deeper than new york,
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I go,
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I have to go to Italy,
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I have to go to Italy and find out if I'm crazy,
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right?
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So from the second that I got off the plane,
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I never had culture shock,
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everything was fine,
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everything was fantastic.
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It started reminding me of my childhood and stuff like that to myself.
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You know what,
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I don't think I'm crazy,
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I think I'm just probably a little italian go,
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it was,
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it was like a second home.
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Yeah.
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And so I,
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I realized that that part of me that part of my identity was very strong and it was very important to me um you know,
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as well as,
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you know,
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certain things about the italian american side of things,
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The american side of it is that which is some of the things that I incorporated my classes that I guess we'll talk about um the mentality yeah it was very important to me so I came here because of that and it just kind of like set me on a path to what I'm doing.
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I really wanted to perfect italian,
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I wanted to study italian,
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I was like what better way to do that than to be a teacher and of italian language.
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And then I said well besides that I want to go to Italy for an extended period of time,
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you know a week,
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you know american vacation a week or two,
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it's it's like flies by in a second year and before you know you're already back to work.
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I was like that's not enough,
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I go I need I need a month or two or three or whatever it is the summer.
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So being a teacher would offer that and that's how I ended up getting into education.
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You are the assistant director at F.
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S.
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U.
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Florida State University,
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what would you say?
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There are the biggest misconceptions about going to college,
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I think people look at it as a place where somebody's gonna go,
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I'm gonna go to a class,
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somebody there's gonna be a teacher there who studied this material for X.
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Amount of years and they're gonna magically insert information into my brain and I'm gonna be able to take this information and I'm gonna just go out in the world and I'm gonna be successful and I'm gonna,
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you know,
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overcome everything and everything's gonna be fantastic.
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I think that's one of the things that is something that it's a misconception,
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it's also maybe a little misconception,
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I'm maybe thinking of this now that,
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you know,
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students absorb a lot of these things,
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you know,
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it's not the students are not just numbers,
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they're not just,
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you know,
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there to just write papers that they're individuals human beings.
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So part of education in my opinion,
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and this is what my dad used to tell me all the time.
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He's tell me charlie teach him about life.
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I feel that if we're gonna have a person in front of us as a,
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as a as a teacher,
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as a professor,
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I signed the moral contract with them already to,
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you know,
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not to hold their hand,
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but you know,
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to give them whatever I can personally,
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that that will help them succeed,
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not to lie to them,
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not to make them feel good about things.
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Of course I want them to feel good,
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but also that life is not fair all the time,
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but they don't have to beat themselves down.
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They don't have to feel like defeated or they feel like,
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you know that the world is against them,
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I want them to be able to accept these things and be able to say,
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okay,
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how can I create a plan to succeed,
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how can I get around this?
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How can I have this fire in my body that gives me that will that I want to conquer these problems and these problems and these issues.
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It's a it's interesting because different people approach teaching differently when I got into this,
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I never planned to teach,
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it was actually a friend of mine who said,
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I think you would like this.
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I walked into the classroom,
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I saw the students and I had this sense of warmth,
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you know,
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they were smiling.
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I don't know,
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I fell in love with it right away and I think now I know how what was the feeling?
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Because I've been teaching for,
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what is it 11 years now.
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So it's been a while and I think what I,
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most of all what I what drives me is I think I wanna be the type of person that I very often I could not find when I was a student.
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Well one of the things that hit me more than anything and this is at the beginning of my teaching career,
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I was at a college in Manhattan where it's like I always say this it's kind of half true and half not,
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but you know,
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some of the kids are like going to jail and they're just getting out of jail.
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I mean they had it was a rough school great kids though because when I was there after my first semester was the toughest because I had to get,
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it was like I would say it was like a scene out of dangerous minds because nobody's paying attention.
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People are throwing notes across the room,
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that kind of thing.
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Um And I go into my chair and I told her,
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I said Maria,
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I go,
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these kids can't go through life like this.
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And she looked at me and she goes charlie,
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it's not hard,
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They just need somebody to care about them and you're gonna be fine.
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And I looked I looked both ways inside of me and I'm like that's it,
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that's all I have to do.
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She says,
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yeah,
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just do that,
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Trust me and you'll be fine when you and I shared ideas for this episode.
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You pointed out the importance of losing the victim's mentality.
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I find this concept crucial in the developmental path of all of us students included.
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If they don't root out this way of thinking early on in life,
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it doesn't mean that they can't get out of it.
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And I think it may be a little bit harder.
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But what's gonna happen is they're going to put themselves in situations now that they're gonna have to dig themselves out of a hole.
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Why?
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Because there's this negativity hole that they've been digging for 30 years or 20 years or 15 years however long it takes them to quote unquote,
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wake up from being a victim and I think one of the things that I see all the time is like.
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it's good that you want to express yourself.
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It's good that you want to talk about things.
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It's good that you bring things to light.
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But I want to know what are you gonna do about it?
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You know,
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I use,
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I use navy seals,
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the United States,
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navy seals for special forces soldiers,
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some of the best in the world,
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apparently from what they say.
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And this is the kind of mentality that you guys,
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these individuals that go in these dangerous situations.
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They choose to be there and not only do they choose to be there,
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they actually think positive,
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believe it or not.
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So I'm not telling you this just to make you feel good.
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You know,
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if these guys can do that at that level,
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think about what you can accomplish as a civilian,
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as somebody who can is focused on their personal goals,
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your everyday life and that the imminent danger That your life is in danger is not there,
256
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,950
but but hold on,
257
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I told him I go,
258
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I don't think that there isn't a danger because there is a danger.
259
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Your danger is invisible.
260
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Your danger is slow.
261
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:52,970
Your danger can happen after 10 years of thinking in a way that's gonna be detrimental to you.
262
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So,
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you start at this starting point and little by little you go off the track,
264
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it's like a train track that goes off this path and then one day you wake up and you save yourself.
265
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:03,860
Well how did I end up here?
266
00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:07,140
Well you ended up there about 10 years ago.
267
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We weren't thinking when you weren't looking at life the right so to have this mentality that I can't do it or the world is against me or they want to make excuses all the time and why they can't do something.
268
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My answer is there's a solution to everything,
269
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find a solution.
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And if you can't find a solution that is quote unquote easy because everybody looks for the you know the most efficient,
271
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easy way to go.
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Sometimes the solution is not gonna be easy but the only way to get from point A to point B is to get that mentality in your head,
273
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get on you get on your feet and press forward and keep going until you get you have to will it at some point because sometimes there is an answer but the answer is not going to be simple and what are you supposed to do?
274
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You have a way to do it?
275
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But if you choose not to take that role and do it,
276
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your solution is never gonna happen.
277
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So you have to persevere,
278
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you have to lose the victim mentality in thinking that I need somebody to help me,
279
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I need somebody to you know to pick me up.
280
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But what happens if you find somebody like that which is fantastic because I love I love talking with people like you especially,
281
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you know,
282
00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:14,460
who believes in these kind of things.
283
00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:16,250
But what happens if steven's not there?
284
00:12:16,340 --> 00:12:17,600
What happens if charlie's not there?
285
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:18,710
What are you supposed to do?
286
00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:18,930
Okay,
287
00:12:18,930 --> 00:12:19,290
that's it.
288
00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:20,060
Game's over.
289
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:26,950
I try to get them to put the focus back on themselves and give them control of their life because as a victim,
290
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:28,050
you don't have control.
291
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:30,160
You're giving control to the outside world.
292
00:12:30,940 --> 00:12:35,750
And if you let the outside world control you to that degree,
293
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,130
you're gonna feel even worse because you feel like,
294
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:42,850
oh I can't do anything because the control has not been,
295
00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:50,230
it's not been put back inside once you decide that I have control and I had my way of looking at this and approaching this,
296
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,730
even if it's a bad situation,
297
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:55,260
you're gonna already feel better because you're in control what you're saying.
298
00:12:55,270 --> 00:12:58,610
It is really the core of this podcast.
299
00:12:58,620 --> 00:13:02,680
I think it's normal to have a pity party to feel a victim.
300
00:13:02,690 --> 00:13:03,500
And it's really,
301
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,070
really hard when you made a bunch of decisions in the past,
302
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:09,110
thinking that you were doing the right thing,
303
00:13:09,110 --> 00:13:12,270
but you still end up in a place that you never hope to be.
304
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:12,770
That's really,
305
00:13:12,770 --> 00:13:14,370
really hard in your opinion.
306
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:21,460
What is it that some people seem to be able to overcome that victim mentality and other people get stuck?
307
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:24,950
Well let's talk about these quote unquote talented people,
308
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,270
the ones who have it easy.
309
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:38,350
So there's 500 NBA players that exist that are on teams that's usually the number of approximately you can take the worst NBA player and some videos of this on on Youtube.
310
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The worst NBA player put them against some of the top college basketball players in the United States or even maybe in like a G league or whatever it is and they will wipe the floor.
311
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:56,060
And I'm talking about guys that scored like 200 points in their ten-year career,
312
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:57,210
which is next to nothing.
313
00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:57,710
You know,
314
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,930
just goes to show the talent level that exists.
315
00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:01,260
Well,
316
00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:07,240
why is there this disparity between someone who is so talented at the 500 rank position in the N.
317
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:07,400
B.
318
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:07,870
A.
319
00:14:08,030 --> 00:14:09,510
And like Michael Jordan,
320
00:14:09,510 --> 00:14:10,450
what's the difference?
321
00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:12,560
The difference is,
322
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,720
is the mentality they have to push themselves to work hard.
323
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:21,260
They have to push themselves to be the best of the best at that point because now the competition is so stiff,
324
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:28,260
they have to find any angle that they can and it's a curve that increases at a decreasing rate.
325
00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:29,940
So you're going to be very,
326
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:30,960
very good at this.
327
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,440
But your progress may be very,
328
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:33,260
very slow.
329
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,330
But these people are so driven,
330
00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:44,660
so interested in being the best or perfecting whatever they want to perfect that they end up becoming out of the school of people who are so gifted,
331
00:14:44,660 --> 00:14:46,740
quote unquote hating and using that term.
332
00:14:46,750 --> 00:14:50,460
Um that they become the best of those people.
333
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:51,910
So,
334
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:52,150
you know,
335
00:14:52,150 --> 00:14:52,890
it's not just,
336
00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:56,780
it's not just people who who don't know have,
337
00:14:56,790 --> 00:15:00,930
let's say advantages or quote unquote talents we're talking about,
338
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:06,540
It shows up among people who have high level high ability in doing things.
339
00:15:06,550 --> 00:15:18,160
There are infinite nuances between the victim mentality and taking responsibility for life.
340
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:26,330
You mentioned the importance of understanding what fear is and how fear plays between these two apparent opposites.
341
00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:28,660
Would you mind telling me more about fear?
342
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:29,450
Yeah.
343
00:15:29,460 --> 00:15:31,810
So I think everybody's afraid all the time.
344
00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:33,760
I was um you know,
345
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:34,990
I was always scared of like,
346
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:35,170
well,
347
00:15:35,170 --> 00:15:35,980
what's gonna happen,
348
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:37,570
I don't know what's gonna happen now,
349
00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:38,930
Michael Jordan brought this,
350
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:39,150
you know,
351
00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:42,560
and I kind of stole this from him because Michael Jordan's said,
352
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:44,230
fear is an illusion.
353
00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:47,060
Fear is when I'm not sure of my skills,
354
00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:49,760
I've been nervous before,
355
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:53,790
but I've never been afraid because I'm confident in my skills.
356
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:54,830
So basically,
357
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:59,230
um I think fear comes from the unknown and I think the unknown can be like,
358
00:15:59,240 --> 00:15:59,730
you know,
359
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:05,350
the same thing with these these special forces soldiers and things like that when they've been through situations,
360
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:05,590
you know,
361
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:09,260
and practice these situations when the time comes when it's real.
362
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,560
They've done this so many times,
363
00:16:11,940 --> 00:16:13,450
that there is no fear.
364
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:20,310
Of course there's this innate nervousness that they have as anybody would because they want,
365
00:16:20,310 --> 00:16:21,910
they want to succeed to have that desire,
366
00:16:21,910 --> 00:16:23,880
that adrenaline's flowing through your body,
367
00:16:23,890 --> 00:16:25,090
but they're not afraid though.
368
00:16:25,090 --> 00:16:25,770
There's a difference.
369
00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:25,970
You know,
370
00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:27,960
and I think when you're afraid,
371
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:30,430
you're afraid because you think something bad is gonna happen,
372
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,240
I'm not sure how I'm gonna do,
373
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,160
I'm not sure that I have the ability to do this.
374
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,100
They know they have the ability,
375
00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:40,080
they're just nervous that maybe this time I might miss it or not make it,
376
00:16:40,090 --> 00:16:40,990
it's not the ability.
377
00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:42,660
They know they can do it.
378
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:44,800
It could be the 20%,
379
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:44,990
like,
380
00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:45,440
for example,
381
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,350
if they make the shot seven out of 10 times because nobody's perfect.
382
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,930
They're nervous that it's gonna be the three times they miss it,
383
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:55,010
as opposed to the seven times they make it because they know they can do it.
384
00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:57,160
Whereas somebody who doesn't believe in themselves,
385
00:16:57,940 --> 00:17:00,900
it's going to be afraid of everything because they're gonna be afraid of failure.
386
00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:01,950
If I'm gonna fail,
387
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:02,950
I'm gonna lose,
388
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,180
I'm gonna,
389
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,260
something bad is gonna happen.
390
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,010
Um,
391
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:07,040
but at the same time,
392
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:12,660
I think they sit there and think to themselves instead of something good happening tomorrow,
393
00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:13,940
which is possible.
394
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,960
They always think something bad is gonna happen,
395
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,290
something,
396
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:18,740
what if this happens,
397
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:19,670
what if it doesn't,
398
00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:20,990
what if something good happens?
399
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:21,990
So what they do,
400
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,440
they're always like thinking of every which way that they're going to,
401
00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:26,550
they're not going to succeed.
402
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:27,680
But in the,
403
00:17:27,690 --> 00:17:28,640
in the reality,
404
00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:28,950
if you,
405
00:17:28,950 --> 00:17:32,730
even if you don't succeed and you have to get over this fear of,
406
00:17:32,730 --> 00:17:34,270
quote unquote failure,
407
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:35,830
even if you don't succeed,
408
00:17:35,830 --> 00:17:37,380
what can you learn from that failure?
409
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,110
One of the Navy seals that I used to follow,
410
00:17:40,110 --> 00:17:42,830
that he passed away because of cancer.
411
00:17:42,830 --> 00:17:44,150
But one of the things he said,
412
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:47,510
he read this quote on a pamphlet when he was being,
413
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:47,690
you know,
414
00:17:47,690 --> 00:17:49,370
when he was interested in becoming a navy seal,
415
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:54,560
he said there's two ways that a man can lose when he quits and when he dies,
416
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:58,450
which means that if you don't decide to give up as long as you're alive,
417
00:17:58,460 --> 00:18:00,060
you got a chance.
418
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:05,320
So wait,
419
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:05,580
I mean,
420
00:18:05,580 --> 00:18:05,820
so,
421
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:06,050
you know,
422
00:18:06,050 --> 00:18:06,750
it's over.
423
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:07,450
I tell the kids,
424
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:07,710
I'm like,
425
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:07,960
listen,
426
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,670
it's over when you decided it's over and what's what's gonna happen.
427
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:12,310
You know,
428
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,620
are you gonna die from this?
429
00:18:13,630 --> 00:18:21,270
If you go and talk to that ceo if you write an email to a company or if you decide that you want to open up a business,
430
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,870
what's gonna happen to you really?
431
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,550
Are you gonna die because of this,
432
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,940
99.9% of the time,
433
00:18:26,950 --> 00:18:27,770
it's not gonna happen.
434
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:28,830
You know,
435
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:29,350
who knows?
436
00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:31,170
You may have that weird situation,
437
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:32,580
but I mean,
438
00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:33,950
nothing bad is gonna come of it.
439
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,000
So if you get that out of your head,
440
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:41,240
that nothing bad is gonna happen and who cares that fear is no longer there because you know what you're doing,
441
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,550
you're focusing on development instead of a,
442
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:45,480
an outcome.
443
00:18:45,530 --> 00:18:47,240
And that's one of the things they talk about in this book,
444
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:49,820
mindset by carol Dweck,
445
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:53,380
who is a professor at the University of stanford,
446
00:18:53,410 --> 00:18:57,720
stanford University is that if you focus on development,
447
00:18:57,730 --> 00:18:59,230
your focus on getting better.
448
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:04,020
So there is no failure because development means that I'm gonna learn as I go as every level,
449
00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:04,900
I'm gonna make mistakes,
450
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:05,710
I'm gonna fix it,
451
00:19:05,710 --> 00:19:07,860
I'm gonna learn what to do next and so on and so on,
452
00:19:07,870 --> 00:19:10,170
and I'm gonna keep continuing to become an expert,
453
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:15,950
even if I'm really good at something because I'm not practicing or if I'm not really good at something,
454
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,860
I can get better at it if I practice.
455
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,040
So that outcome,
456
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,850
that moment in time doesn't define who I am.
457
00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:24,360
What's more important is the journey.
458
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,760
And I always say that Tom Brady,
459
00:19:26,770 --> 00:19:28,570
he won seven super bowls.
460
00:19:28,580 --> 00:19:28,870
Well,
461
00:19:28,870 --> 00:19:29,880
Tom Brady didn't,
462
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:40,770
he had seven days of his 20 year NFL career that he had that moment of feeling that he won a championship the other 10,000 days or however many days that I haven't done the math,
463
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:41,810
what was he doing?
464
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:42,860
He was practicing.
465
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,860
So he wasn't a champion,
466
00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:47,320
he didn't win the Super Bowl every day for 20 years.
467
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,510
He wanted seven times,
468
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:50,360
which is seven days out of a 20 year career.
469
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,760
So the focus shouldn't be the end result.
470
00:19:53,770 --> 00:19:56,480
The focus should be the development the process that you go through.
471
00:19:56,490 --> 00:20:02,540
Even even professional athletes have to learn how to lose before they win because they don't,
472
00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:03,590
they don't develop the grit,
473
00:20:03,590 --> 00:20:05,430
they don't develop that perseverance.
474
00:20:05,430 --> 00:20:06,960
They don't develop these certain things that,
475
00:20:06,970 --> 00:20:08,050
that take,
476
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,880
let's say a sustained because if you want to sustain success,
477
00:20:12,890 --> 00:20:14,500
you have to have these things,
478
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:18,410
you have to have these qualities because if you just get lucky,
479
00:20:18,420 --> 00:20:18,680
you know,
480
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,690
and things happen to go right for you,
481
00:20:20,690 --> 00:20:21,560
which can happen,
482
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,780
but you're not mentally prepared for what's gonna come next.
483
00:20:24,780 --> 00:20:25,900
If something wrong happens,
484
00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:27,860
you have no idea how to handle a crisis.
485
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:30,920
I think it's almost inevitable that you blame yourself,
486
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,950
you lose faith and you lose your strength.
487
00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:36,780
I so wish that I that I knew back then.
488
00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:37,760
What I know now,
489
00:20:38,140 --> 00:20:38,740
not completely,
490
00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:39,740
because now I know,
491
00:20:39,750 --> 00:20:40,650
as you said,
492
00:20:40,660 --> 00:20:45,780
truly easier process and it's gonna be uncomfortable many times,
493
00:20:45,790 --> 00:20:47,330
it's not going to go the way that I want,
494
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:48,390
but it is true,
495
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:53,440
bettering myself that eventually I'm gonna get there and then once you get to the point where you're comfortable with being,
496
00:20:53,530 --> 00:20:54,760
nothing really bothers you,
497
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:55,560
you know,
498
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:56,860
and maybe it does,
499
00:20:56,860 --> 00:20:59,070
but you know how to handle how to channel that energy.
500
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:04,070
Well,
501
00:21:04,070 --> 00:21:06,640
sometimes despite our best efforts,
502
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,230
we are in a funk,
503
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:12,260
we feel miserable about our abilities about life in general.
504
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,060
So when you feel discouraged,
505
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,420
not motivated,
506
00:21:16,430 --> 00:21:22,160
what is one of the best way for you to pd party over to get out of the funk,
507
00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:25,770
if something like bad happens to me,
508
00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:32,270
I basically try to piss myself off because the more I get aggravated,
509
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,720
the more I get this,
510
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:34,750
this fire man,
511
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:35,970
I don't have to explain it anymore,
512
00:21:35,970 --> 00:21:38,250
but I just need to win,
513
00:21:38,260 --> 00:21:39,290
I need to conquer.
514
00:21:39,290 --> 00:21:40,450
I need to figure out a way,
515
00:21:40,450 --> 00:21:43,040
I don't care if it comes hell or high water,
516
00:21:43,050 --> 00:21:45,960
I am gonna get to the other side of this problem.
517
00:21:46,540 --> 00:21:49,730
So I get to the point where if something happens,
518
00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:56,490
I really think about like even I have to trick my mind because it's something I kind of picked up from some of the things I read about Michael Jordan's basically,
519
00:21:56,490 --> 00:22:00,460
there were times when he got on the court and maybe he wasn't feeling at that,
520
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:01,150
he was like,
521
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:01,400
you know,
522
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,060
I feel an average,
523
00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:03,720
but tonight it's an important game.
524
00:22:03,730 --> 00:22:07,390
So he'd be going up against people that maybe he'd never played against before.
525
00:22:07,390 --> 00:22:07,620
They,
526
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:09,590
I mean they obviously knew who he was,
527
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,260
but these are like just average guys and stuff like that.
528
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:15,840
He walked on the court and then then they walked up to him like you know,
529
00:22:15,850 --> 00:22:17,770
a good game and have a good,
530
00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:19,380
have a good game,
531
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:20,380
whatever good luck.
532
00:22:20,390 --> 00:22:21,960
And he looked at them and he would say,
533
00:22:21,970 --> 00:22:24,770
I heard what you said about and the guy looks at me goes what I say,
534
00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:26,180
I don't even know you,
535
00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:27,180
it was the first time I met you,
536
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:27,480
he goes,
537
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,970
I heard what you said about me tonight,
538
00:22:28,970 --> 00:22:30,570
you're gonna pay for it and he would,
539
00:22:30,570 --> 00:22:38,340
he would come up with some kind of crazy way to motivate himself to get him aggravated like this person is trying to stop me from reaching my goal,
540
00:22:38,340 --> 00:22:41,130
this person is trying to prevent me from doing what I want to do.
541
00:22:41,140 --> 00:22:46,060
So I started doing that and the more I started thinking about even if it wasn't true,
542
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:50,890
people telling me I couldn't do something or you'll never do that or you don't have the buildings,
543
00:22:50,890 --> 00:22:51,320
you you don't,
544
00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:52,070
you don't,
545
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,160
you don't understand,
546
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,170
the more it would piss me off to make me want to do it even more.
547
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,250
So the second that I run up against the problem,
548
00:23:00,330 --> 00:23:02,870
the first thing that goes in my head is Alright,
549
00:23:02,870 --> 00:23:03,530
here we go,
550
00:23:03,540 --> 00:23:08,260
it's time for me to turn on the power all the way and now I'm gonna,
551
00:23:08,270 --> 00:23:10,800
now I'm going to destroy this problem in front of me.
552
00:23:10,810 --> 00:23:12,700
100,000%,
553
00:23:12,710 --> 00:23:15,960
basically channeling your energy.
554
00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:17,700
Absolutely yeah,
555
00:23:17,710 --> 00:23:20,010
it's a way for me to challenge my energy and you know,
556
00:23:20,010 --> 00:23:24,380
I think some of it comes naturally now because you get into these habits,
557
00:23:24,390 --> 00:23:26,150
they could be good habits or bad habits.
558
00:23:26,150 --> 00:23:27,290
So I started saying to myself,
559
00:23:27,290 --> 00:23:28,770
I want to develop good habits.
560
00:23:28,780 --> 00:23:34,130
So these good habits of attacking problems is well what's the quickest way to get to a solution,
561
00:23:34,140 --> 00:23:36,670
Start doing something that's going to get you to a solution,
562
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,660
did you do everything that you could have done charlie and if the answer is yes.
563
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:41,670
Alright,
564
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,550
let's find another way to figure this out if the answer is no,
565
00:23:46,140 --> 00:23:54,490
I'm gonna be disappointed in myself because why I let this happen and this is and this is what I tried to tell the students this victimization,
566
00:23:54,490 --> 00:23:56,220
this this victim mentality,
567
00:23:56,230 --> 00:23:57,320
you know what you're doing?
568
00:23:57,330 --> 00:23:58,810
My parents did this to me,
569
00:23:58,820 --> 00:24:00,460
society did this to me,
570
00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:01,700
this did this to me.
571
00:24:01,710 --> 00:24:02,070
No,
572
00:24:02,070 --> 00:24:03,580
you did this to yourself.
573
00:24:03,590 --> 00:24:07,990
Nobody's saying that other people don't have advantages and disadvantages.
574
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:13,290
There could be people who are born in rich families that fall flat on their face because they have all the advantages in the world,
575
00:24:13,290 --> 00:24:13,880
but they don't take it,
576
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,440
they don't take advantage of them and what happens,
577
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:21,560
they just they they fail because they don't have they don't they don't take responsibility for themselves.
578
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,670
So if professionals,
579
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:29,720
anyone really educated students needed to get in touch with you to talk about any of these topics,
580
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:30,860
how could they find you?
581
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,590
They can find me on Lincoln I'm on there.
582
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,290
Um I mean even like just on the F.
583
00:24:38,290 --> 00:24:38,480
S.
584
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:38,600
U.
585
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,290
Website there's that as well.
586
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:44,460
Um I have an instagram account.
587
00:24:44,470 --> 00:24:49,700
I just got to post videos and stuff like that about food because I go around Italy,
588
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:50,410
I'm a food lover.
589
00:24:50,410 --> 00:24:55,660
So I always put it's all it's all pictures of Italy and food has nothing to do with motivation.
590
00:24:55,670 --> 00:24:57,780
I mean it's another avenue,
591
00:24:57,780 --> 00:24:59,760
I suppose the content,
592
00:24:59,780 --> 00:25:03,480
Maybe there could be an angle to get into motivation through through food.
593
00:25:03,490 --> 00:25:04,650
Yeah exactly.
594
00:25:04,650 --> 00:25:24,810
I'm always motivated to eat so thank you for listening to this episode of pd patty over in the episode charlie and I loosely used the victim mentality expression to highlight the importance of being accountable to avoid negativity in psychology,
595
00:25:24,860 --> 00:25:26,910
a victim mentality indicator,
596
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,560
learned behavior characterized by helplessness,
597
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:36,140
often evolving as a defense mechanism to cope with adverse life events.
598
00:25:36,150 --> 00:26:03,060
People who constantly blame other people or situations for their misfortunes have a victim mentality when we are stuck with no apparent way out we may experience different degrees of the victim mentality we might not have caused the circumstances we experience but we always have the freedom to change the outcome based on how we respond and that's our responsibility and greatest freedom as charlie pointed out,
599
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,350
get comfortable,
600
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:09,770
have been uncomfortable knowing that success comprises both winning and losing.
601
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:15,380
You may start by identifying small things you can take to make a positive difference,
602
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,060
Focus on development rather than the outcome.
603
00:26:19,540 --> 00:26:23,060
If you have any questions pertaining how to develop accountability,
604
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,860
you can find my contact information in these episodes notes,
605
00:26:27,340 --> 00:26:28,750
if you enjoy this content,
606
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,560
you may subscribe to my podcast or blog P.
607
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:31,720
D.
608
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,130
Party over and we can also connect on twitter and linkedin.
609
00:26:35,140 --> 00:26:36,980
I invite you to visit a website.
610
00:26:36,990 --> 00:26:47,260
A line dot company align is spelled a L Y G N dot company where you can find many routes for managerial and leadership development.
611
00:26:47,540 --> 00:26:48,350
Be happy,
612
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,730
be well and until we connect again.
613
00:26:50,740 --> 00:26:52,060
Thank you for listening.