Sorry, Not Sorry: Breaking the Over-Apologizing Habit

Misty: Hi everyone, I'm Misty Bellis and welcome to another episode of Zero F's Era. I'm so happy to have you here. Now you may have noticed, or maybe you didn't, but we didn't actually do an episode last week. And in case you're wondering what happened, well, life happened. A perfect storm of kids and travel and a particularly hectic time at work just meant that I didn't have the bandwidth to get it done last week. And something had to give. Sadly, it was the episode. And normally I would apologize profusely. I missed a self-imposed deadline, and that's a big pet peeve of mine. And I would agonize over the fact that somebody may have noticed that we didn't put out an episode. But I'm not going to do that this week. And in fact, this is a topic I'd really like to talk about, and that is over-apologizing. Because I am the queen of apologies. Not a title I particularly want to own, but it is my reality. And so the truth that I don't say aloud is actually something I say aloud way too much, which is I'm sorry. I apologize for everything. And my producer called me out on it a couple weeks ago. We were doing an interview, and I must have apologized several times during that interview, and she asked me afterwards why I do that. I really had no good reason for her. I don't know why. It's second nature. And I just apologize for all sorts of things that don't even really warrant an apology. I apologize when somebody bumps into me on the street, I apologize when they cut in line or when they interrupt me, I apologize when somebody mumbles and I can't hear them. There are all sorts of things that I end up apologizing for even when it is in no way my fault. I know I'm not the only person to do this and I know I'm not the only woman to do this because I do think it's a behavior that women tend to exhibit more than others. In fact during the pandemic I used to play tennis with a great group of women. It was our social outlet, it was our exercise and we had so much fun. But we would apologize to each other all the time. We apologized when we hit bad shots, we apologized when we hit great shots. You know, we're sorry I'm sorry this zinged right past you. And we used to joke that we lobbed more apologies than actual balls. So it's not unique to me that I know, but I wanted to do a little research and find out why that is. And there's a study from the NIH which says that women tend to apologize more than men because they think they've engaged in behaviors that warrant an apology, whereas men don't think that they have. So No offense to any of the fellows out there. I don't think anyone's gonna be surprised by this bit of of research. But also it said that women tend to be more easily offended than men are. And I think there's some truth to that as well. Because I have to say I've spent a great deal of my life worrying about hurting somebody else's feelings, worrying that maybe Possibly, potentially, even in the tiniest, tiniest way, something I've said might have hurt someone's feelings or offended them. And I don't know that men give it that level of consideration. But a couple of other things that came up which really struck a chord with me. The first is relationship harmony. From a young age, girls are socialized to prioritize smooth social interactions and to be peacekeepers. Now that one hit home for me because I have a thirteen year old daughter and she apologizes a lot. Now I realize some of that is probably learned behavior, but I also think there's some societal pressure on girls as well to apologize, to to really sort of keep the peace. And so I would really like to stop that habit before it gets any worse and become part of her permanent DNA. The other piece that really resonated with me conflict avoidance, how women say I'm sorry diffuse tension and to show empathy. And they often apologize for things where even when they're not directly at fault, which is something that I tend to do as well. It also made me think back though to when I was first managing people in my career. I had to give employee reviews. And I will just say right now I'm not a huge fan of employee reviews. Not because I don't value constructive feedback, I will take that all day long. But trying to evaluate somebody on a one-to-five scale, knowing that five is unattainable because it means perfection, I'm just not a huge fan of that. Anyway, I digress. I had to give a performance review to a woman on my team who was particularly thorny. She has a really strong personality and I had to let her know she needed to play nicer in the sandbox with others. And I was a little hesitant to do this. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I probably wanted to avoid the conflict as well. So I must have apologized profusely during this employee review because finally she stopped me and said, Stop apologizing. I'm a bitch. I get it. Not the first time I've heard this. Won't be the last time. I will try to do better. But this is my behavior, and it's not anything that you need to apologize for. And that really actually impressed me. First of all, good on Grace. She totally owned up her on her bad behavior. She took responsibility for it. She didn't try to make excuses for it. And we did end up working together to make her i just easier to get along with with her coworkers. Also I learned I needed to get some managerial courage and I like to think that I have made some progress there as well. But it also really reminded me that I take on other people's behaviors, their transgressions, whatever it might be, and apologize those away as well. And I started to wonder why it is I actually do that and why do other women Apologize so often for things that aren't their responsibility. And I wonder if it's because we are giving the apology we would like to receive. I would like somebody to own up their behavior when they step on my foot, when they interrupt me, when they exhibit any of these behaviors that I often apologize for. I would like them to apologize to me. And in a way, I think I'm giving myself The apology that I would like to receive. In any case, I'm now giving myself permission this week and ongoing to stop apologizing for every little thing, especially the things that aren't my fault. Now if I do something wrong and it warrants an apology, if I offend someone, if I mess up, I will absolutely own up and apologize for that. But I am no longer going to apologize for taking up space for Contributing ideas for raising my hand in a conversation to say, hey, I've got something to add. I'm not going to apologize for things that don't warrant an apology and that aren't my And so to quote an old Seinfeld episode, I'm gonna take all my sorries and stuff them in a sack. Over apologizers of the world, I would like to invite you to join me. In fact, I'd really love to hear from you if you are a classic over apologizer, if you have hacks for how you stop doing this, whatever it might be, I would really love to hear from you. So please feel free to reach out to us. You can reach us at zero sfera. at gmail.com or you can also follow and engage with us on Instagram at ZeroFs Era. And my permission slip for you this week is to remember to be all out of F's and apologies for the things that just don't matter so that you can focus on the things that do. Thanks so much until next time.