The Shattering Within: Facing the Man in the Mirror to Finally Come Home

WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:02.319
The topics and opinions express in the following show are
2
00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:03.960
solely those of the hosts and their guests and not
3
00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.879
those of W FOURCY Radio. It's employees are affiliates. We
4
00:00:06.960 --> 00:00:10.160
make no recommendations or endorsements radio show, programs, services, or
5
00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:13.080
products mentioned on air or on our web. No liability,
6
00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:15.720
explicit or implied shall be extended to W FOURCY Radio
7
00:00:15.759 --> 00:00:18.519
or its employees are affiliates. Any questions or comments should
8
00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:20.879
be directed to those show hosts. Thank you for choosing
9
00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:22.440
W FOURCY Radio.
10
00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:31.600
What's working on Purpose? Anyway? Each week we ponder the
11
00:00:31.600 --> 00:00:34.759
answer to this question. People ache for meaning and purpose
12
00:00:34.799 --> 00:00:38.159
at work, to contribute their talents passionately and know their
13
00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:41.600
lives really matter. They crave being part of an organization
14
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.399
that inspires them and helps them grow into realizing their
15
00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:47.520
highest potential. Business can be such a force for good
16
00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:51.159
in the world, elevating humanity. In our program, we provide
17
00:00:51.159 --> 00:00:54.240
guidance and inspiration to help usher in this world we
18
00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:58.560
all want working on Purpose. Now, here's your host, doctor
19
00:00:58.600 --> 00:00:59.679
Elise Cortez.
20
00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:07.079
Welcome back to the Working and Purpose Program, which has
21
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:08.920
been brought to you with passion and prize since February
22
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:11.280
of twenty fifteen. Thanks for us tuning in this week.
23
00:01:11.319 --> 00:01:13.640
Great to have you. I'm your host, doctor Elise Cortes.
24
00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:16.760
Most leaders are sitting on untapped human energy, and I
25
00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:20.159
help them unlock it. I'm an organizational psychologist, logo therapist,
26
00:01:20.319 --> 00:01:22.840
workforce advisor and the founder of the Gusto Now movement.
27
00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:25.280
But the title I live by is really much simpler.
28
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:28.400
I traffic and energy, not the surfle suble motivation or
29
00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:31.920
another engagement initiative, but the deeper force what I call Gusto,
30
00:01:32.280 --> 00:01:35.760
the life force for performance that drives commitment, perseverance, and
31
00:01:35.879 --> 00:01:38.040
genuine ownership of a shared a mission in the clients
32
00:01:38.040 --> 00:01:39.840
we serve. You can learn more about us on how
33
00:01:39.879 --> 00:01:42.959
we can work together at Gusto dashnow dot com or
34
00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:45.200
visit my personal site at least Coortes dot com for
35
00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:48.879
information on speaking in my books. Today we have with
36
00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:53.599
us doctor Rabbi barhuk Bi Hailevi. He is a trained logotherapist,
37
00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:56.799
men's coach, ideogram teacher, and spiritual guide who helps men
38
00:01:56.840 --> 00:01:59.599
rediscover who they are, why they're here, and how to
39
00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:02.799
live at face with doctorates and counseling and divinity and
40
00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:05.920
over two decades of experience guiding people through grief, loss
41
00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:10.919
and transformation. Doctor Haleve bridges psychology, spirituality, and coaching through
42
00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:15.199
Victor Frankel's meaning centered approach. He's the author of Spark Seekers,
43
00:02:15.639 --> 00:02:18.560
Mourning with Meaning, and The Guy in the Glass. Six
44
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:21.400
Questions to See the Man You are you Are Meant
45
00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:24.280
to Be, and he hosts the podcast thirteen Minutes Why
46
00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:27.879
every Man Needs a Why. Through his men's coaching and
47
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:31.039
men's peer groups, he helps men rise into purpose, connection,
48
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:33.919
and authentic brotherhood. We'll be talking today about the points
49
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:36.319
from his book The Guy in the Glass and specifically
50
00:02:36.319 --> 00:02:39.280
address the problems men face with their mental health. Cover
51
00:02:39.400 --> 00:02:41.639
off on the six questions from the book, and then
52
00:02:41.719 --> 00:02:44.080
hear about his own Dark Knight in the Woods story
53
00:02:44.120 --> 00:02:46.639
that radically changed him in the direction of his life.
54
00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:50.840
He joinses from Denver doctor BARUKHLEVI, welcome back to working
55
00:02:50.919 --> 00:02:51.400
on purpose.
56
00:02:52.439 --> 00:02:54.159
He doctor lees, thanks for having me.
57
00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:57.520
It's always an honor, absolutely, And let me first just
58
00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:00.280
celebrate this beautiful thing you brought into the world. You know,
59
00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:03.520
I've talked about this before. I've had children. You have not.
60
00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:07.159
This is harder, harder to bring this into the world
61
00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:09.199
than it is a child, So way to go be,
62
00:03:09.400 --> 00:03:11.759
and listeners and viewers, you'll get to know that he
63
00:03:11.879 --> 00:03:13.840
has a very big, beautiful, fancy name. But those of
64
00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:15.400
us who know him and love him just call him
65
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:18.879
Be and you will too. So now that we've given
66
00:03:18.919 --> 00:03:21.000
some levity to the show, b let's get into the
67
00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:23.840
meat of this. And I was shocked to learn this
68
00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:27.759
stat from you and your book that every thirteen minutes
69
00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:31.120
a man takes his life by suicide. And so you
70
00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:34.080
host that podcast called thirteen Minute Mission Why every Man
71
00:03:34.120 --> 00:03:36.639
needs a Why to address this very tragy And of course,
72
00:03:36.759 --> 00:03:38.800
so when you think about that in an hour, more
73
00:03:38.840 --> 00:03:40.400
than four men have perished.
74
00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.199
Yeah, by the time this episode closes, I guess that
75
00:03:44.280 --> 00:03:47.039
means three men will have chosen to die by suicide.
76
00:03:47.080 --> 00:03:49.439
And I have a simple mission at Lease that is
77
00:03:49.479 --> 00:03:52.719
to push back the clock one minute. That means twenty
78
00:03:52.840 --> 00:03:54.639
eight hundred and eighty eight men this year alone will
79
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:57.960
choose life if we can help them. As our teacher
80
00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:00.840
mentor Victor Frankel says, discover and live there. Why a
81
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:03.199
man who has a why does not choose to leave
82
00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:06.080
this world. That's my mission called the thirteen minute Mission,
83
00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:07.319
and that's what we're doing.
84
00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:11.639
Well. Of course you are uniquely qualified. There's a reason
85
00:04:11.719 --> 00:04:14.360
you are so riveted on this subject of men's suicide
86
00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:17.439
and are uniquely equipped to address it. I knew about
87
00:04:17.480 --> 00:04:20.000
your father's suicide when he was sixty and you were
88
00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:22.519
thirty four, and the way you describe it in the
89
00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:27.079
book is so incredibly powerful and really puts us into
90
00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:29.279
that seat. And then, of course your grandmother took her
91
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:34.720
own life some twenty years before before that. Amazing to
92
00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:36.879
draw from and to be riveted by.
93
00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:40.319
Yeah, I do believe God gives us the curriculum that
94
00:04:40.360 --> 00:04:43.519
we need, not what we want. And I was put
95
00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:47.920
in this life, as Victor Frankel says, transform that tragedy
96
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:51.560
into other people's triumph. And didn't want the curriculum, but
97
00:04:51.600 --> 00:04:53.319
I got it, and so here we are. I wrote
98
00:04:53.319 --> 00:04:56.480
a book on really kind of documenting it and laying
99
00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:59.680
out a plan of how we're going to efectuate this
100
00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:03.120
mission and not put an end of suicide, but certainly
101
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:03.879
defy the clock.
102
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:06.800
You know, one thing I want to sell it about
103
00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:08.319
about you, As I mentioned to you, and I've been
104
00:05:08.360 --> 00:05:11.199
friends for several years, and we met each other because
105
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:13.920
we did our local philosophy Diplomats, which is a master's
106
00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:16.360
level degree. Together, that's how we met some I think
107
00:05:16.399 --> 00:05:19.639
it was six seven years ago, But I learned a
108
00:05:19.639 --> 00:05:21.639
lot more about you in this book. I love the
109
00:05:21.720 --> 00:05:25.360
fact that you call yourself a recovering rabbi and a
110
00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:27.879
spiritual mutt, and I love that you can draw on
111
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:30.319
the wisdom of all these different spiritual traditions and what
112
00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:32.680
you do and you're wicked, funny be Oh my god,
113
00:05:32.720 --> 00:05:35.600
I was laughing and I was crying, and I was
114
00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:37.879
just like, but then I was so impressed that you
115
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:41.000
have really done something well. One thing that I also
116
00:05:41.040 --> 00:05:43.079
love about your book is that it's just piersonally raw.
117
00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:45.680
It's achingly real, which is you down to the core.
118
00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:49.079
But then you do this beautiful thing be listeners and viewers.
119
00:05:49.160 --> 00:05:51.120
Is why you got to pick up the book. You
120
00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:53.920
do this thing where you're weaving together a parable, a
121
00:05:53.959 --> 00:05:56.839
guide book, and a memoir all into one powerful experience.
122
00:05:56.839 --> 00:05:59.319
And I was really blown back by how clever this
123
00:05:59.439 --> 00:06:00.720
is and how powerflo it is.
124
00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.000
I'm so glad you appreciated. A couple of my good
125
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:07.079
friends said it's like Doctor SEUs for grown ups. Yeah,
126
00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:11.480
they said it as eloquently as you but you know, look,
127
00:06:11.639 --> 00:06:15.480
I like a paradox. And it opens up with a
128
00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:20.600
pretty gruesome scene of my father taking his life and
129
00:06:21.079 --> 00:06:24.519
it was necessary to do that, And it also juxtaposes
130
00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:28.519
that against Victor Frankel's survival out of the Holocaust, and
131
00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:30.959
so that I can't think of two heavier topics in
132
00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:32.600
the Holocaust and suicide. Oh, this is going to be
133
00:06:32.600 --> 00:06:35.120
a fun book, and so I juxtaposed it with a
134
00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:37.639
I think a pretty fun ride. The guy walks into
135
00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:41.800
a bar, a lot of plant medicine kind of experience
136
00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:44.120
in there, not sure what's real what's not. But I
137
00:06:44.399 --> 00:06:47.720
really wanted to have a humorous light as well as
138
00:06:47.800 --> 00:06:49.279
deep and painful.
139
00:06:50.439 --> 00:06:53.519
Well, so let's just quickly introduce a little bit of it.
140
00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:56.360
So I really appreciate that, you know. Well, let's also say,
141
00:06:56.439 --> 00:06:58.560
and again, you know, your work with men, your work
142
00:06:58.680 --> 00:07:01.879
coaching men, and you know men's peer groups, etceter are
143
00:07:01.920 --> 00:07:04.920
so so powerful being able to surface this really painful
144
00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:07.600
stuff in life. The book starts though, because you've had
145
00:07:07.720 --> 00:07:09.360
You've had an argument with your wife and she's like,
146
00:07:09.399 --> 00:07:11.879
go figure your shit out, and so she takes the
147
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:13.920
kids on the trip, and you had you're going to
148
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:16.360
go you know, camping, but you decide to stop by
149
00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:19.519
the bar and the bar maid Shama if I'm saying
150
00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:22.319
her name right, you do. She's really, you know, a
151
00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:25.120
strong catalyst in this and she's a central figure and
152
00:07:25.480 --> 00:07:29.040
how she serves up these questions and how she curates
153
00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:31.639
the conversations who you know and the men that flow
154
00:07:31.639 --> 00:07:35.519
through the door to echo them or to serve them
155
00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:37.000
as well. So I just want to situate that for
156
00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:41.519
our listeners and viewers. You know, it's really expert how
157
00:07:41.560 --> 00:07:42.720
you weave that all through.
158
00:07:43.680 --> 00:07:47.199
Well, thank you. I just draw upon wisdom traditions, whether
159
00:07:47.240 --> 00:07:49.639
it's logo therapy or kabbo law or other. As you said,
160
00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:52.040
I'm a spiritual mud so I got a lot of traditions,
161
00:07:52.079 --> 00:07:54.319
great traditions that have come before me. And so this
162
00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:57.319
is just a spiritual principle. You know. She represents the
163
00:07:57.319 --> 00:08:00.600
divine feminine and the men that I to work with
164
00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:04.360
at midlife are ready to embrace their divine feminine to
165
00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:07.480
learn from it. And so it's a guy at midlife
166
00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:09.720
and it's almost like she's like the queen bee and
167
00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:12.879
they're sort of hovering around the hive and she's calling
168
00:08:12.959 --> 00:08:16.680
the shots but letting them find their way, and I
169
00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.680
just really do believe it's a spiritual principle that makes
170
00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:20.240
that work.
171
00:08:21.319 --> 00:08:23.240
Thank you for saying that. I didn't catch that she
172
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:26.439
was the divine, feminine energy. I just saw her as
173
00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:28.360
kind of a catalyst, sort of a you know, a
174
00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:31.560
wise sort of sage. So I love that that nuance
175
00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:33.559
in there too. Amazing.
176
00:08:34.440 --> 00:08:38.159
Yeah, I had to really decide what this book wasn't
177
00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:39.919
because I was trying to be all things to everybody.
178
00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:41.759
That's why it took me so long. You know, first
179
00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:45.000
it was memoir. Next it was a fictional narrative, and
180
00:08:45.159 --> 00:08:49.000
next it was a teaching on the Enneagram Loco Therapy handbook.
181
00:08:49.320 --> 00:08:53.639
And the editor said, like, dude, you got to kind
182
00:08:53.639 --> 00:08:57.679
of consolidate it, and so I made some choices and
183
00:08:57.759 --> 00:09:00.720
some of it becomes implicit. I'll give you one little
184
00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:05.440
sort of behind the scenes. There's six chapters. There's six
185
00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:07.919
kind of different types of men that show up in
186
00:09:07.960 --> 00:09:10.799
each chapter, and they're based on the aneagram, which is
187
00:09:10.840 --> 00:09:14.120
another love of mine, and so each one represents an aneagram,
188
00:09:14.200 --> 00:09:15.759
which is that for your listener, it's kind of like
189
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:19.600
a personality roadmap. And so they're the six fundamental Lisually
190
00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:21.600
nine any gram types, but I boiled it down to six,
191
00:09:21.879 --> 00:09:25.039
and so there's lots of hidden motifs and fun things
192
00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:28.000
behind there. And you know, i'd like to think that
193
00:09:28.039 --> 00:09:28.679
it's readable.
194
00:09:28.720 --> 00:09:32.960
Now I didn't catch that either, And now I have
195
00:09:32.960 --> 00:09:34.879
to go back committed again and find that because you know,
196
00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:37.879
I'm an anagram freak as well. I'm a seven enthusiast.
197
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:40.039
You're an eighth the challenger. So now I got to
198
00:09:40.039 --> 00:09:43.000
go back and read it again. Happy to do that. Thanks.
199
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:45.519
After three, I think is the anagram seven, but you'll
200
00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:46.080
figure it out.
201
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:49.799
Okay, thanks for the little tip. Okay, So I thought
202
00:09:49.799 --> 00:09:53.080
it was profound that your grandfather gave you the Guy
203
00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:55.879
in the and the Glass poem, and you know, obviously
204
00:09:55.919 --> 00:09:58.679
the impact on you is incredible. I had never encountered
205
00:09:58.679 --> 00:10:00.960
that poem before, and I don't know that we need
206
00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:02.679
to read the whole thing, but if you want to
207
00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:04.960
situate a little bit about what the poem is about
208
00:10:05.080 --> 00:10:07.600
and why it was so profoundly impactful for you.
209
00:10:08.600 --> 00:10:10.639
Yeah. It was written in nineteen thirty four by a
210
00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:13.080
man named Dale Wimbrough, and he was writing it in
211
00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:15.799
response to a young reader who was writing into the
212
00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:21.960
American Mercury magazine. He was struggling with a moral business dilemma,
213
00:10:22.679 --> 00:10:25.240
and this was poem was of the response to the
214
00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:27.320
young reader, and it's all about going to the mirror,
215
00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:29.480
the guy in the glass, and it's written in nineteen
216
00:10:29.519 --> 00:10:31.440
thirty four language, so it's a little archaic, but I
217
00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:33.639
think it to me it makes them meaningful, kind of
218
00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:37.279
reminds me of my grandfather, kind of reeks of grandfatherly wisdom,
219
00:10:37.879 --> 00:10:40.159
and so it was appropriate. My grandfather gave it to
220
00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:42.279
me later because I was that young man in my
221
00:10:42.440 --> 00:10:44.879
life and he saw me going off sort of the
222
00:10:44.960 --> 00:10:49.000
moral crossing moral lines or you know, just the twenty
223
00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:51.960
somethingter version of me. He gave me this poem. And
224
00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:54.480
I also think he watched my dad, that was his
225
00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:57.480
son in law, very much going off the rails. And
226
00:10:57.519 --> 00:10:59.200
this is a poem about going to the mirror. And
227
00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:01.159
at the end of the day, if you don't like,
228
00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:03.519
if you don't respect the guy or the gal staring
229
00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:07.000
back from the glass, then you have nothing. And the
230
00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:09.200
men that I work with, in particular, have spent their
231
00:11:09.320 --> 00:11:13.600
entire life learning to be whatever everybody else wants them
232
00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:15.919
to be and learning to climb the ladders of success
233
00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:18.919
as it says, to find his leaning against the wrong wall.
234
00:11:19.320 --> 00:11:22.039
And they don't know. They don't respect the guy in
235
00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:23.919
the glass. And so you have nothing if you get
236
00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:26.159
if you don't have him.
237
00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:28.320
And I appreciate how you share in the book. I
238
00:11:28.360 --> 00:11:30.879
forget which character it is that can't actually look into
239
00:11:30.919 --> 00:11:33.000
the mirror. Can't can't look into the mirror. It's not
240
00:11:33.080 --> 00:11:34.279
ready to see himself.
241
00:11:34.919 --> 00:11:37.840
It's not actually a character. It's about twenty percent of
242
00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:40.759
the men that I give this assignment to do this
243
00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:43.039
I call mirror work or mirror moments. I tell them
244
00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:45.039
to go to the mirror and look at themselves and
245
00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:48.639
not like, you know, just comb your hair, but to yeah,
246
00:11:48.679 --> 00:11:51.039
I mean that was a joke, but it was to
247
00:11:51.519 --> 00:11:55.360
look yourself in the eyes, to stare. And so many men,
248
00:11:55.519 --> 00:11:56.960
maybe women too, I don't know. I haven't done it
249
00:11:56.960 --> 00:12:00.559
with them, can't do it. They won't do it. It's
250
00:12:00.679 --> 00:12:03.960
heartbreaking to hear somebody can't look at themselves in the eyes.
251
00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:06.679
That's a true, it's a reality.
252
00:12:07.879 --> 00:12:09.519
There was just so much in there. As I told you,
253
00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:13.279
I've a couple of dear male friends that I've already
254
00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:15.200
got copies of the book for because there's so much
255
00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:16.919
in there that I know they'll really appreciate on their
256
00:12:16.919 --> 00:12:19.360
own journey of learning and growing and trying to underunderstand
257
00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:25.480
themselves and accept themselves and celebrate themselves. So, and you know,
258
00:12:25.480 --> 00:12:27.559
what's what I appreciate to about this work be is
259
00:12:27.559 --> 00:12:30.360
that you know, when we help more men heal, everybody
260
00:12:30.360 --> 00:12:32.399
needs to heal. There's not a single human walking the
261
00:12:32.440 --> 00:12:36.519
planet that isn't walking wounded. And when we help more
262
00:12:36.679 --> 00:12:39.559
men heal, we help so much of the world get
263
00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:43.200
better simultaneously. And I just really appreciate that work.
264
00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:46.399
Yeah, I've gotten challenged a bit by my female audience
265
00:12:46.559 --> 00:12:49.399
or friends or family who so why did you not
266
00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:51.279
write it for women? I say, I did write it
267
00:12:51.320 --> 00:12:55.960
for women because you have a father's son, husband, brother, colleague, boss, employee,
268
00:12:56.399 --> 00:12:59.480
and better men as you just describe, make a better world.
269
00:12:59.559 --> 00:13:01.840
I mean, if you look at a good percentage of
270
00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:03.960
our problems, you know, I don't think it's a stretch
271
00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:07.759
to say involve a Y chromosome. So if we can
272
00:13:08.120 --> 00:13:10.679
help those with the Y chromosome, we help those with
273
00:13:10.919 --> 00:13:12.399
x X chromosome too, one.
274
00:13:12.399 --> 00:13:15.679
Hundred percent, maybe one thousand percent. I also noticed I've
275
00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:17.879
found I got more just so you know, b I
276
00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:20.399
got some more insight even into some of the men
277
00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:22.720
in my life that are I've been close to, and
278
00:13:22.759 --> 00:13:26.320
got oh, I better understand those choices and some of
279
00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:28.480
those reactions, which is where I want to go to next.
280
00:13:29.320 --> 00:13:31.600
You and I both being Victor Frankel fans from our
281
00:13:31.720 --> 00:13:34.480
that's the creator of you know, the logo logo philosophy,
282
00:13:34.480 --> 00:13:36.919
logo therapy for listeners of viewers if you don't know that.
283
00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:39.720
But of course he warns that when reaction becomes a
284
00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.600
way of life, freedom fades. So when we when we're
285
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:46.960
driving our lives and we start to be driven by emotion, fear,
286
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:49.399
et cetera, now we lose all this choice in this freedom.
287
00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:52.000
And so I appreciate again that you're talking about how
288
00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:54.759
we can free ourselves from what you and I think
289
00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:57.759
doctor Victor Franko called the inner concentration camp. And if
290
00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:01.120
that doesn't just help you really relate to that world,
291
00:14:01.399 --> 00:14:02.840
I can relate to that world.
292
00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:06.639
Well, I don't use the term lightly. I have written
293
00:14:06.679 --> 00:14:09.879
all over my body in tattoos family members' numbers who
294
00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:12.879
were murdered in the Holocaust. So it's personal to me.
295
00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:17.279
I am a rabbi and I'm a student of Victor Frankels.
296
00:14:17.279 --> 00:14:19.320
I wear his number one one nine, one zero four
297
00:14:19.360 --> 00:14:21.440
on my arm, and so I don't use that term
298
00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:23.720
lightly because I've been challenged on it before. You know,
299
00:14:23.879 --> 00:14:27.039
that's reserved for the special unique. No, it's not. Because
300
00:14:27.080 --> 00:14:30.759
my father was in a concentration camp. How do I know?
301
00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:33.440
Because he sentenced himself to death. And if that's not
302
00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:36.240
a concentration camp, then I don't know what we're talking about.
303
00:14:36.519 --> 00:14:41.759
And his world became riddled with self accusation and hatred
304
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:46.360
and condemnation, and sounds very similar like a Holocaust, like
305
00:14:46.440 --> 00:14:50.080
a Nazi concentration camp, and to a person in suffering,
306
00:14:50.519 --> 00:14:54.120
there's no distinction, and so I take it very seriously,
307
00:14:54.240 --> 00:14:56.759
and my job is really to help people break out
308
00:14:56.759 --> 00:14:58.279
of those concentration camps.
309
00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:01.519
I don't know about to be but one of the
310
00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:05.000
reasons that I am so drawn to logotherapy love for
311
00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:07.960
philosophy is that to me, it's empowering, right, And so
312
00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:10.039
you talk about it in your book that you know,
313
00:15:10.120 --> 00:15:14.039
to react as ordinary, to respond, to react as ordinary,
314
00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:17.480
to respond that's different is extraordinary, and it is the
315
00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:19.440
mark of the man who has met his own soul
316
00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:22.840
and refused to bow before circumstance. Frank will call this
317
00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:25.720
the defiant power of the human spirit, the capacity to
318
00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.360
face soul crushing pain and still draw a line in
319
00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:31.720
the sand, declaring, I will choose who I become.
320
00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:33.639
Amen, sister.
321
00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:35.919
So powerful.
322
00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:39.200
All of Victor Frankel's work, in my humble opinion and
323
00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:42.519
certainly my life'losophy comes down to his famous statement, between
324
00:15:42.559 --> 00:15:45.519
stimulus and response, there is a space, and in that
325
00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:48.120
space lies our power to choose our response, and in
326
00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:51.080
our response lies our growth and our freedom. So between
327
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:54.600
stimulus things happening, I will curse here, it's your show
328
00:15:56.120 --> 00:15:59.559
in us reacting. There's a space and that space. The
329
00:15:59.639 --> 00:16:02.799
question is what kind of space have we cultivated that space?
330
00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:05.200
Do we are we're living in an expanse of life
331
00:16:05.279 --> 00:16:08.799
or we're living in that constriction, that narrowness of thinking,
332
00:16:09.240 --> 00:16:12.200
of feeling, of being in the world. And so when
333
00:16:12.200 --> 00:16:15.720
a man, when a person expands that space, they don't react,
334
00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:19.559
they start choosing their response. It's simple formula. It's not
335
00:16:19.639 --> 00:16:20.960
easy to do, but that's it.
336
00:16:21.240 --> 00:16:22.639
That's right, one hundred percent.
337
00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:22.960
Get it.
338
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:25.840
Yeah, And I appreciate that and continue to practice it myself.
339
00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:29.639
So it's it's a lifelong deal. Let's grab our first break.
340
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:31.679
I'm your host, doctor Release Cortes. We've bru on the
341
00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:35.200
air with doctor Rabbi baruk Bi ha Levi, who is
342
00:16:35.240 --> 00:16:38.840
a trained logo therapist, men's coach, endeaogram teacher, and spiritual
343
00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:42.240
guide who helps men rediscover who they are, why they're here,
344
00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:44.879
and how to live it fully. We've been talking about
345
00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:47.399
the real issue, the problem here of men's mental health
346
00:16:47.639 --> 00:16:50.279
and just how tragic it can it can unfold. After
347
00:16:50.279 --> 00:16:52.159
the break, we're going to get into these six magical
348
00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:54.240
questions that Be talks about in his book. We'll be
349
00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:54.759
right back.
350
00:17:09.880 --> 00:17:13.440
Doctor Elise Cortes is a management consultant specializing in meaning
351
00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:17.319
and purpose. An inspirational speaker and author. She helps companies
352
00:17:17.400 --> 00:17:21.200
visioneer for greater purpose among stakeholders and develop purpose inspired
353
00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:25.240
leadership and meaning infused cultures that elevate fulfillment, performance, and
354
00:17:25.319 --> 00:17:28.519
commitment within the workforce. To learn more or to invite
355
00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:31.319
a lease to speak to your organization, please visit her
356
00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:34.599
at Elisecortes dot com. Let's talk about how to get
357
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:43.440
your employees working on purpose. This is working on purpose
358
00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:46.799
with doctor Elise Cortes. To reach our program today or
359
00:17:46.839 --> 00:17:49.599
to open a conversation with Elise, send an email to
360
00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:55.720
Elise Alise at Elisecortes dot com. Now back to Working
361
00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:56.440
on Purpose.
362
00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:03.720
Thanks for staying with us, and welcome back to Working
363
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:06.680
on Purpose. I'm your host, doctor Elise Cortes, as I
364
00:18:06.720 --> 00:18:09.680
am dedicated to helping create a world where organizations thrive
365
00:18:09.759 --> 00:18:12.240
because people thrive and are led by inspirational leaders that
366
00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:14.680
help them find and contribute their greatness, and we do
367
00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:17.240
business that betters the world. I keep researching and writing
368
00:18:17.240 --> 00:18:19.200
my own books, so one of my latest came out,
369
00:18:19.559 --> 00:18:22.920
The Great Revitalization, How activating meaning and purpose can radically
370
00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:26.200
enliven your business. And I order to help leaders understand
371
00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:28.440
today's discerning workforce and what do they want and need
372
00:18:28.480 --> 00:18:30.160
from you to be able to give their best, and
373
00:18:30.160 --> 00:18:32.640
then I provide you twenty two best practices to equip
374
00:18:32.680 --> 00:18:35.599
that in your leadership and your culture. You can find
375
00:18:35.599 --> 00:18:39.039
my books on Amazon or Atlas Cortes dot com if
376
00:18:39.039 --> 00:18:41.119
you are just now joining us. My guest is doctor
377
00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:44.799
Rabbi baruk Bi Halevi. He's the author of Spark Seekers,
378
00:18:45.160 --> 00:18:47.720
Mourning and Meaning, and the one we're talking about today,
379
00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:50.200
The Guy in the Glass. Six Questions to see the
380
00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:53.079
man you could be. He also hosts the podcast thirteen
381
00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:56.359
Minutes Why every Man Needs a Why. So, before we
382
00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:58.559
get into the questions B, I think it's important send
383
00:18:58.599 --> 00:19:00.920
so much of the audience that you serve are mid
384
00:19:01.359 --> 00:19:05.799
in the midlife part of of their lives. I appreciate
385
00:19:05.960 --> 00:19:08.440
very much and can relate myself that you talk about
386
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:11.880
how midlife isn't a crisis. It's a reckoning. It's a
387
00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:15.920
shattering of identity, expectations and the quiet loneliness of performing
388
00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.720
a life that no longer feels real or true.
389
00:19:20.359 --> 00:19:24.279
Yeah, I believe deeply you know you're not at midlife
390
00:19:24.359 --> 00:19:26.240
When you get to be my age alis you'll know
391
00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:29.759
that invitation. I really think we live in a youth
392
00:19:29.799 --> 00:19:34.039
obsessed culture. I love this midlife juncture. I'm probably north
393
00:19:34.039 --> 00:19:36.359
of midlife. People always say midlife it depends how long
394
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:38.279
you live, but like, let's take the bell curve the
395
00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:41.039
average you know, to me, it's like a forty to
396
00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:46.119
sixty space in there reimagining who are we? You have
397
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:50.240
enough life experience, you have enough wins and losses, and
398
00:19:50.359 --> 00:19:53.559
you start to see through all the bs and if
399
00:19:53.559 --> 00:19:55.839
you treat it as a reckoning and as an invitation.
400
00:19:56.319 --> 00:19:58.559
I think it becomes the most exciting time in life.
401
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.519
It certainly was for me. I wouldn't say it was fun.
402
00:20:03.720 --> 00:20:07.200
It was certainly very messy and very chaotic, but boy,
403
00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:09.920
what was what's emerged on the on the other side
404
00:20:09.960 --> 00:20:12.359
and continues to unfold is incredibly powerful.
405
00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:15.119
I definitely wouldn't use the word fun, and I definitely
406
00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:20.160
wouldn't wish it upon anybody. But when you're in it again, excitement, aliveness,
407
00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:24.880
vitality totally. That's where meaning is found on you know,
408
00:20:24.920 --> 00:20:29.000
the mountaintops and in the valleys, and it's all there
409
00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:30.240
in the midlife juncture.
410
00:20:31.000 --> 00:20:34.480
Chewiness for sure, man, that's that's for sure. Okay, So
411
00:20:34.519 --> 00:20:36.359
what I would love to do is just we won't
412
00:20:36.359 --> 00:20:38.000
be able to treat all of these questions, and we
413
00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:40.000
shouldn't because that's the purpose of the book and the
414
00:20:40.359 --> 00:20:42.119
usefulness of the book. But I would like to at
415
00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:45.200
least introduce the six if we can. And what I
416
00:20:45.400 --> 00:20:47.079
appreciate it is. I first, when I first cracked up
417
00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:48.559
on your book with the table of contents and I
418
00:20:48.559 --> 00:20:50.519
saw the questions, I went, those are those are wait
419
00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:53.200
a minute, those are standard questions? What is he doing?
420
00:20:53.240 --> 00:20:55.240
I know? Be better than this. There must be more
421
00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:58.319
to it. So the first question is what's your name?
422
00:20:59.440 --> 00:21:02.319
I'm just going to They're not standard question they're bar questions.
423
00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:04.319
They pick questions, Yeah, okay, bar questions.
424
00:21:04.400 --> 00:21:04.599
Yeah.
425
00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:07.960
They're everyday shallow conversations.
426
00:21:07.519 --> 00:21:10.400
Shallow, the worst of the worst. Ye, what's your name?
427
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.839
What do you do? Come here? Off? And are you single?
428
00:21:13.160 --> 00:21:15.839
What's your number? How you getting home? And it does
429
00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:19.440
sound like a pickup line. And the previous incarnation of
430
00:21:19.480 --> 00:21:21.519
this man at the bar, which is me, it's every man,
431
00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:26.799
it's every person that these every questions are not what
432
00:21:26.839 --> 00:21:29.720
they seem. Right, nothing is what it seems, And if
433
00:21:29.759 --> 00:21:32.319
you want to go deeper, you can go deeper. And
434
00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:34.599
that's what this guy at the bar is finally doing
435
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.759
in his life. You know, his wife says, don't come back.
436
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:38.799
My wife said, don't come back to you figure your
437
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:42.000
shit out. That part is true pretty much every day
438
00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:45.640
when I go off to the office. You know, you
439
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:49.559
can take it seemingly ordinary and it becomes extraordinary. And
440
00:21:49.559 --> 00:21:51.480
that's what I love about it. And I also love
441
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:54.960
that these are ancient wisdom teachings. You know, I draw
442
00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.119
a lot from my religion of birth of a law
443
00:21:59.160 --> 00:22:01.720
of Judaism, And you know, what's your name? Is the
444
00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:07.000
first question that's asked by Moses of God. You know
445
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:09.319
what's your name? It's literally it's like a pickup line.
446
00:22:09.319 --> 00:22:11.720
What are you kidding me? This is a pickup line. No,
447
00:22:11.799 --> 00:22:15.359
it's actually a necessary starting point if you want intimacy
448
00:22:15.400 --> 00:22:17.960
with somebody, to know their name. And of course it's
449
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:20.559
not the name tag, it's not the name on the screen.
450
00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:22.519
And we dig into that in the chapter.
451
00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:25.720
And I think, if I have this right, I think
452
00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:27.160
one of the men that you would talk about in
453
00:22:27.200 --> 00:22:29.359
the book who you know? I think he's one of
454
00:22:29.400 --> 00:22:31.640
the men that his father tells him how he's worthless
455
00:22:31.640 --> 00:22:35.200
all the time, and just you know what, a what's
456
00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:37.200
his you know, what's his value? Kind of thing? And
457
00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:38.880
a lot of us get that, and certainly a lot
458
00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:41.160
of men get that too. And if I have this right,
459
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:43.799
be he in his work with you and in the
460
00:22:43.839 --> 00:22:46.960
book he decides and discovers that his name is I
461
00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:48.240
am worthy? Is that right?
462
00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:49.160
Yeah?
463
00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:51.319
And it comes from the you know what Moses or
464
00:22:51.359 --> 00:22:53.839
what God's response to Moses? What is God going to say?
465
00:22:53.880 --> 00:22:54.480
Like g O D.
466
00:22:54.680 --> 00:22:56.880
It doesn't exist in the Bible. There's Hebrew and it
467
00:22:56.880 --> 00:23:00.480
says a shareh, which means I am that I am.
468
00:23:01.200 --> 00:23:03.759
And so that principle is every time, as a human
469
00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.440
being we say I am and we fill in the blank,
470
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:12.000
we're making ourselves static, stuck, limited, and more often than not,
471
00:23:12.359 --> 00:23:18.400
they're not pretty descriptions, they're not liberating ideas. Right, I'm stupid.
472
00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:20.799
I can't do that. I am this, I am that.
473
00:23:21.319 --> 00:23:24.839
And so the idea is, can we start expanding our
474
00:23:24.880 --> 00:23:29.200
consciousness our identity? And that is a name beyond just
475
00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:31.680
you know, a little name tag mm hmm.
476
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:34.759
Well, as an identity researcher, you know that you're speaking
477
00:23:34.759 --> 00:23:37.720
my love language. So I really really appreciate the profundity
478
00:23:37.720 --> 00:23:39.079
of that and the work that I've gotten to do
479
00:23:39.240 --> 00:23:42.680
help to help people expand their sense of identity and
480
00:23:44.039 --> 00:23:46.559
reject or remove some of those labels that they have
481
00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:50.119
spent their whole lives with that are so limiting and demeaning.
482
00:23:50.200 --> 00:23:52.720
And almost always I say, you know, people, what's your
483
00:23:52.799 --> 00:23:54.759
name and they tell me their first name. I say
484
00:23:54.759 --> 00:23:56.759
that's your whole name, and they're like, yeah, that's it.
485
00:23:56.920 --> 00:23:58.000
Do you have a middle name, do you have a
486
00:23:58.079 --> 00:23:59.519
last name, do you have a maiden name? Do you
487
00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:02.039
have title? Do your kids call you by your first name?
488
00:24:02.119 --> 00:24:04.279
Like all of a sudden, you realize we have so
489
00:24:04.359 --> 00:24:08.039
many pieces of our identity and we've just boiled it
490
00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:10.759
down to a little you know, fill in the blank.
491
00:24:11.599 --> 00:24:15.079
And there's so much more there to that person, just
492
00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:17.720
like there isn't a second question. The second question is
493
00:24:17.799 --> 00:24:18.519
what do you do?
494
00:24:19.400 --> 00:24:22.200
This one's an interesting one because I've noticed it more
495
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.960
and men. Maybe it's changed a bit, but I still
496
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:28.680
think it's a very male dominated loaded question. What's your name?
497
00:24:28.759 --> 00:24:30.759
That's always the first question at a barbecue or a
498
00:24:30.759 --> 00:24:33.200
cocktail party, and then the next question, at least for men,
499
00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:36.480
is what do you do? And they always say, I'm
500
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:38.839
a lawyer, I'm a doctor, I'm a teacher, I'm a whatever.
501
00:24:39.400 --> 00:24:41.839
I'll say to them now because I just love disrupting
502
00:24:41.880 --> 00:24:45.079
cocktail parties. I didn't ask you how to make money?
503
00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:46.920
What do you do? And they're just like, You're like,
504
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:50.000
what are you on? What are you talking about? You're
505
00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:52.759
a father, you're a husband, you're a son, you're a gardener,
506
00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:56.240
you're a poet, you're a basketball player. I didn't ask
507
00:24:56.279 --> 00:24:59.920
you how you pay the bills. But almost invariably particular
508
00:25:00.359 --> 00:25:02.640
men tell me how they make money.
509
00:25:03.079 --> 00:25:07.079
That is a problem, you know. Years ago, B, I
510
00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:09.240
stumbled up honesty. And part of it came because I
511
00:25:09.240 --> 00:25:11.079
live here in Dallas, Texas, and a lot of people,
512
00:25:11.319 --> 00:25:15.079
especially women, don't necessarily pursue work throughout their whole entire life.
513
00:25:15.079 --> 00:25:17.279
So it became awkward to ask what do you do
514
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:21.240
for both men and women, but certainly women. So I
515
00:25:21.319 --> 00:25:23.640
devise the question of what do you pour yourself into
516
00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:26.720
that lights you up? And I like that. Then people
517
00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:28.559
can say sometimes they say that they love the work,
518
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:31.200
but very often they're telling me about, you know, the
519
00:25:31.559 --> 00:25:34.240
canvas of their lives, that all these things that matter
520
00:25:34.359 --> 00:25:35.920
to them, that are a part of them.
521
00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:38.720
And that's where the question we needed to go. I
522
00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:40.480
just took it at sort of the base level, and
523
00:25:40.519 --> 00:25:42.480
you raised it up. And that's the whole point, right,
524
00:25:42.519 --> 00:25:45.440
Can we raise our conversations up to, you know, from
525
00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:46.960
the ordinary to the extraordinary?
526
00:25:48.440 --> 00:25:50.559
And that's what one of the many reasons I've always
527
00:25:50.559 --> 00:25:53.519
loved you be because you live on that beautiful level
528
00:25:53.559 --> 00:25:56.640
that is real and deep and chewy. And this is
529
00:25:56.680 --> 00:26:00.519
what the world needs, my friend. So just need more, B.
530
00:26:01.400 --> 00:26:04.440
Thank you. Okay, So next question, and this cracks me
531
00:26:04.519 --> 00:26:06.400
up to you know, you're in the bar? What brings
532
00:26:06.440 --> 00:26:07.920
you here? Right?
533
00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:11.559
Yeah? It starts in the chapter to come here often?
534
00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:14.599
But then I, you know, translate that pretty quickly into
535
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:17.759
you know what brings you here? And then it of
536
00:26:17.799 --> 00:26:21.200
course takes you into a deeper not hear the bar here,
537
00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:24.599
into this life, which takes us into, of course, our
538
00:26:24.599 --> 00:26:28.319
beloved teacher Victor Frankel's life thesis. Those who have a
539
00:26:28.359 --> 00:26:32.200
why to live can bear almost anyhow. And you don't
540
00:26:32.279 --> 00:26:35.039
know how many times I ask guys, what's your why?
541
00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:38.799
And they look at me like, what do you mean?
542
00:26:38.920 --> 00:26:42.319
And then they start scrambling and they start grabbing basically
543
00:26:42.400 --> 00:26:45.039
Hallmark cards from the Hallmark store in their mind and
544
00:26:45.079 --> 00:26:47.119
they start reading them off about you know, dad and
545
00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:50.720
a son and a husband and bs like what's your why?
546
00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:52.759
What drives you? What lights you up? And you want
547
00:26:52.799 --> 00:26:55.799
to pour yourself into, like you said, And so few
548
00:26:55.839 --> 00:26:58.640
people they know it for their business, they know it
549
00:26:58.640 --> 00:27:01.000
for their profession or their religion. They don't know it
550
00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:02.119
for their life purpose.
551
00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:05.599
You know, one of the things that I thought was
552
00:27:05.720 --> 00:27:10.279
so powerful is in that chapter you feature Aaron and
553
00:27:10.319 --> 00:27:14.359
he's so angry because his loved wife, Emily has died,
554
00:27:14.440 --> 00:27:18.279
and so you talk about how he was able to
555
00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:21.200
take all of that anger, that of her leaving and
556
00:27:21.240 --> 00:27:24.799
feeling helpless and so sad, into into really more of
557
00:27:24.839 --> 00:27:26.720
a mission to help other people going through similar things.
558
00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:29.079
He found himself coming back to the same hospital that
559
00:27:29.119 --> 00:27:31.759
he'd gone to to visit her and was helping the
560
00:27:31.759 --> 00:27:34.599
people that were also visiting their loved ones. And I
561
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:37.839
thought that was a really powerful depiction of just where
562
00:27:37.880 --> 00:27:39.559
purpose can come from.
563
00:27:39.960 --> 00:27:42.119
Yeah, one of the things I wanted to accomplish in
564
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:44.519
this book and in my work is to help the
565
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:49.440
world better understand men in particular, and that means all
566
00:27:49.519 --> 00:27:53.200
of them, not just the pretty parts, right, not just
567
00:27:53.319 --> 00:27:56.160
the pleasing parts, not just the socially acceptable parts. You know,
568
00:27:56.200 --> 00:27:58.920
in our society you say somebody is a nice guy,
569
00:27:58.920 --> 00:28:03.640
and it's a compliment. Right, It's not a compliment. It
570
00:28:03.680 --> 00:28:07.839
can be very hurtful. And being angry is not a
571
00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:11.559
pejorative term. Because Martin Luther King was angry, and Nelson
572
00:28:11.640 --> 00:28:14.200
Mandela was angry, and Winston Churchill were anger. Now they
573
00:28:14.359 --> 00:28:17.640
learned how to harness their anger and you use it
574
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:20.960
on purpose. And I meet so many men who have
575
00:28:21.000 --> 00:28:24.279
been made to feel or have felt bad, less than
576
00:28:24.359 --> 00:28:27.880
wrong for something like anger, No, what do you do
577
00:28:28.039 --> 00:28:29.519
with it that determines demand?
578
00:28:30.279 --> 00:28:32.359
Well, I can tell you I've gotten a lot of
579
00:28:32.359 --> 00:28:35.759
shit done in my life on anger. I really have
580
00:28:36.680 --> 00:28:38.960
so because it's energy, right, All of our emotions are
581
00:28:39.079 --> 00:28:41.359
energy in motion. And if we can learn what they're
582
00:28:41.400 --> 00:28:43.920
trying to tell us, what is it they're communicating to us,
583
00:28:44.200 --> 00:28:46.319
then we can do something with that in a more productive,
584
00:28:46.839 --> 00:28:47.839
effective fashion.
585
00:28:48.680 --> 00:28:52.039
Yeah, you know, reacting is never good, and so if
586
00:28:52.079 --> 00:28:55.000
you're reacting from anger, no, But if you're responding from
587
00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:58.720
anger right to bring justice coming from a place of
588
00:28:58.839 --> 00:29:02.720
harnessed anger. Yes, Martin Luther King didn't, you know, make
589
00:29:02.759 --> 00:29:05.720
his point by getting up there and being a nice guy. Right,
590
00:29:05.880 --> 00:29:08.279
He had a dream and it was fiery and he
591
00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:11.119
was channeled and it moved the world.
592
00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:15.400
Right right right? Amen? Okay, so let's grab number four
593
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:17.400
here before we grab our next break here. So the
594
00:29:17.440 --> 00:29:19.920
next question which cracks me up just thinking about this.
595
00:29:19.960 --> 00:29:21.519
You're in a bar and you would ask somebody are
596
00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:22.000
you single?
597
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:26.920
Are you being single? And the answer is yes or no?
598
00:29:27.119 --> 00:29:30.319
But the truth is it's never no, right because we're
599
00:29:30.359 --> 00:29:33.680
only thinking about dating apps and we're only thinking, excuse
600
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:38.119
me from a shallow perspective, but it maybe my profile
601
00:29:38.160 --> 00:29:40.640
has been married for twenty seven years. But I have
602
00:29:40.759 --> 00:29:43.839
my kids, I have my friends, I have my community.
603
00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:47.720
And that's the point helping men people in general, men
604
00:29:47.759 --> 00:29:50.400
and women, especially midlife. And this has come up a
605
00:29:50.400 --> 00:29:52.319
lot when I counsel people who have gone through divorce,
606
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:56.599
who are now single, and we have to really challenge
607
00:29:56.599 --> 00:30:01.119
that who are you in relationship with goes far beyond
608
00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:03.000
just you know, a marital status.
609
00:30:04.319 --> 00:30:07.039
I absolutely love and from all the years I've known you,
610
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:09.920
I love that you really helped me understand the idea
611
00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.319
of answering the question who do you belong to? So powerful?
612
00:30:15.039 --> 00:30:17.279
Yeah, you know one of the challenges I see. I
613
00:30:17.319 --> 00:30:21.880
live in Denver Boulder area and it's pretty hippy dippy
614
00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:25.079
spiritual out here, and there is a lot of who
615
00:30:25.119 --> 00:30:28.279
am I kind of conversations and searching for it, and
616
00:30:28.319 --> 00:30:30.200
I do see the limits of that. You know, Victor
617
00:30:30.240 --> 00:30:32.480
Frankel said, if you really want to know who you are,
618
00:30:32.759 --> 00:30:36.480
figure out who you serve self transcendence. So it's not
619
00:30:36.559 --> 00:30:38.279
who am I, it's whose am I?
620
00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:42.920
And I think that is such a powerful reframe because
621
00:30:42.920 --> 00:30:44.440
a lot of people. You know, there's a we have
622
00:30:44.440 --> 00:30:46.440
a loneliness epidemic, as you well know, we have a
623
00:30:46.480 --> 00:30:49.960
depression epidemic. And when you can start to see one,
624
00:30:50.200 --> 00:30:52.839
there are so many people who you do belong to
625
00:30:52.960 --> 00:30:56.279
who so there's plural And two to your other point,
626
00:30:56.759 --> 00:30:58.799
when you just take a little bit of time, one
627
00:30:58.839 --> 00:31:01.240
moment to go and help some in something small, it
628
00:31:01.279 --> 00:31:03.920
could be something very small, suddenly you're not focused on
629
00:31:03.960 --> 00:31:06.720
how you feel or feeling alone. You're part of something
630
00:31:06.720 --> 00:31:07.279
bigger than.
631
00:31:07.200 --> 00:31:11.799
Yourself, especially men, especially a midlife who have only defined
632
00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:16.960
relationship intimacy with a significant other, a partner. And you know,
633
00:31:17.039 --> 00:31:20.799
I'm very passionate about bringing men to true intimacy. Wayne
634
00:31:20.839 --> 00:31:24.599
Dyer teaches into me c to see and to be seen?
635
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:28.240
Can you be see by another man in a platonic
636
00:31:28.400 --> 00:31:31.880
loving relationship? Can you say I love you? Can you
637
00:31:31.960 --> 00:31:34.559
have that connection that saves lives?
638
00:31:35.559 --> 00:31:38.079
And just quickly to celebrate that you know, of course
639
00:31:38.240 --> 00:31:40.880
you know. Your forward is written by doctor Dan Frantz Friends,
640
00:31:40.920 --> 00:31:43.319
who is a dear friend of both of ours, and
641
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:46.119
even just the way he writes his forward, listeners and
642
00:31:46.200 --> 00:31:49.519
viewers is a direct expression of the love that be
643
00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:52.440
and Dan have for each other as brothers, and that's
644
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:54.799
what I think is so beautiful. And your book opens
645
00:31:55.079 --> 00:31:57.839
with something that many men have probably never experienced.
646
00:31:58.960 --> 00:32:01.319
Yeah, Dan and I are running men's peer groups and
647
00:32:01.680 --> 00:32:05.799
it's teaching men how to basically be in intimate relationships
648
00:32:05.839 --> 00:32:08.519
from this deeper soul level and to see and to
649
00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:11.720
be seen. I know we got a break, but only
650
00:32:11.759 --> 00:32:14.960
two common threads I know in suicide is number one
651
00:32:15.119 --> 00:32:20.119
loneliness and number two meaninglessness, and that issue solves both
652
00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:21.880
of them.
653
00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:24.160
Indeed, let's let our listeners and viewers think about that
654
00:32:24.200 --> 00:32:26.640
as we grab our last break. I'm your host, Doctor
655
00:32:26.640 --> 00:32:29.680
Relis Cortes. We've got on the era of doctor Rabbi
656
00:32:29.720 --> 00:32:33.079
Baru b. Halevi. He is a trained loco therapist, men's coach,
657
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:36.720
enneagram teacher, and spiritual guide who helps rediscover who they are,
658
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:39.359
why they're here, and how to live it fully. We've
659
00:32:39.359 --> 00:32:42.160
been talking about some of the four so far of
660
00:32:42.200 --> 00:32:44.960
the questions he talks about in his book. After the break,
661
00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:47.279
we're going to talk about the remaining too, and then
662
00:32:47.319 --> 00:32:51.200
hear about his own story of his Dark Knight in
663
00:32:51.240 --> 00:32:51.680
the woods.
664
00:32:51.799 --> 00:33:09.640
We'll be right back, Doctor Elise Cortes is a management
665
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:14.000
consultant specializing in meaning and purpose. An inspirational speaker and author,
666
00:33:14.279 --> 00:33:17.799
she helps companies visioneer for greater purpose among stakeholders and
667
00:33:17.839 --> 00:33:23.039
develop purpose inspired leadership and meaning infused cultures that elevate fulfillment, performance,
668
00:33:23.039 --> 00:33:26.079
and commitment within the workforce. To learn more or to
669
00:33:26.160 --> 00:33:29.039
invite a lease to speak to your organization, please visit
670
00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:32.279
her at elisecortes dot com. Let's talk about how to
671
00:33:32.319 --> 00:33:40.839
get your employees working on purpose. This is Working on
672
00:33:40.920 --> 00:33:44.480
Purpose with doctor Elise Cortes. To reach our program today
673
00:33:44.599 --> 00:33:47.359
or to open a conversation with Elise, send an email
674
00:33:47.440 --> 00:33:52.519
to Alise A. L Se at elisecortes dot com. Now
675
00:33:52.759 --> 00:33:54.359
back to working on Purpose.
676
00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:01.599
Thanks for staying with us, and welcome back to Working
677
00:34:01.640 --> 00:34:04.400
on Purpose. I'm your host, doctor Relis Cortes. As you
678
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:06.759
know by now, this program is dedicated to empowering and
679
00:34:06.799 --> 00:34:09.559
inspiring you along your journey to realize more of your potential.
680
00:34:10.039 --> 00:34:12.199
I mentioned in the last segment that my book The
681
00:34:12.239 --> 00:34:14.760
Great Vivitalization came out. What I did for you is
682
00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:17.199
I created a simple three page assessment that you can
683
00:34:17.199 --> 00:34:20.159
pull off my website gustodeshnow dot com. To help you
684
00:34:20.239 --> 00:34:22.440
determined the extent to which you are meeting the discerning
685
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:26.719
needs of today's destination workplace desires. If you're just now
686
00:34:26.760 --> 00:34:29.679
joining us, My guest is doctor Rabbi Bardo Bijlevi. He's
687
00:34:29.719 --> 00:34:33.000
the author of spark Seekers, Morning with Meaning and The
688
00:34:33.000 --> 00:34:35.760
Guy in the Glass. Six Questions to See the Man
689
00:34:35.840 --> 00:34:38.159
You Were Meant to be. He also hosts the podcast
690
00:34:38.199 --> 00:34:41.400
thirteen Minutes Why every Man Needs a Wive. So let's
691
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:43.400
cover off on them the last two questions you're in
692
00:34:43.400 --> 00:34:45.239
the book to give our listeners and viewers a flavor.
693
00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:48.559
Here favorite next question number five is what's your number?
694
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:52.079
Well, that sounds pretty obvious, doesn't it? Can I get
695
00:34:52.119 --> 00:34:56.719
the digits? And then you start to think about back
696
00:34:56.760 --> 00:34:59.719
to the personal concentration camp and how many men like
697
00:34:59.719 --> 00:35:02.679
my My father had a lot of reasons why he
698
00:35:02.719 --> 00:35:05.960
said he killed himself in a suicide note. But the
699
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:07.880
what he didn't say and I found out afterwards, was
700
00:35:07.880 --> 00:35:11.480
a mountain of debt. And when he looked into the mirror,
701
00:35:12.079 --> 00:35:15.239
I say his number was zero, right, because zero times
702
00:35:15.239 --> 00:35:18.079
anything is nothing, And no matter how much he had,
703
00:35:18.119 --> 00:35:20.880
it was never enough, because he was never enough. And
704
00:35:20.920 --> 00:35:23.039
so you start to think about numbers in a different way.
705
00:35:23.119 --> 00:35:25.000
You know, when I was growing up, I was the
706
00:35:25.039 --> 00:35:29.760
fat kid, and numbers literally almost crushed me. You know,
707
00:35:29.800 --> 00:35:33.039
the numbers on a scale and all of that represents
708
00:35:33.079 --> 00:35:36.159
people get into IQ, you get into zip codes, you
709
00:35:36.159 --> 00:35:39.119
get into there's just endless amount of numbers and numbers,
710
00:35:39.639 --> 00:35:42.840
as Victor Frankel said, or would reduce the human being
711
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:46.760
literally in the concentration camps, and they reduce individuals. And
712
00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:49.119
so it challenges us to think about how are we
713
00:35:49.159 --> 00:35:51.199
imprisoned by our numbers and what's our number?
714
00:35:53.760 --> 00:35:57.440
I thought that was such a powerful awareness for me,
715
00:35:57.559 --> 00:35:59.400
and it's sort of an insight for me to the
716
00:35:59.519 --> 00:36:02.000
numbers is really really important, you know, age, all these
717
00:36:02.039 --> 00:36:04.519
kinds of things, you know, your net worth, everything, it's
718
00:36:04.599 --> 00:36:07.800
just so much to it, so much heaviness to that.
719
00:36:08.159 --> 00:36:10.519
I just counseled a woman who doesn't have a child
720
00:36:10.519 --> 00:36:12.440
and her number is zero, and she looks at her
721
00:36:12.440 --> 00:36:14.639
friends who have one, two or three. She sees the
722
00:36:14.639 --> 00:36:17.360
world through that number. And we're just working on can
723
00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:18.880
you break free from the number?
724
00:36:19.239 --> 00:36:24.920
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, last question, which really kind of cracks
725
00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:26.920
me up, you know, so you're not keep in mind
726
00:36:26.960 --> 00:36:28.719
listening viewers who've been at the bar for a while.
727
00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:31.039
So now the last question is how are you getting home?
728
00:36:32.840 --> 00:36:36.400
Are you getting home? That's the magical answer usually back
729
00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:40.559
in the day, but in this case it's much deeper question,
730
00:36:40.679 --> 00:36:44.079
as they all are. And it's ultimately like home to
731
00:36:44.159 --> 00:36:46.840
the guy in the glass, to the man or woman
732
00:36:46.920 --> 00:36:51.360
staring back to your true self and you know, not
733
00:36:51.440 --> 00:36:53.400
giving too much away, but at the end of the day,
734
00:36:54.199 --> 00:36:56.239
it all comes down to love. When I was a
735
00:36:56.320 --> 00:36:59.960
rabbi did five hundred funerals, many of them were uber
736
00:37:00.119 --> 00:37:03.559
successful on the outside, but they weren't successful on the
737
00:37:03.559 --> 00:37:05.960
inside because they didn't have, or they didn't give, or
738
00:37:05.960 --> 00:37:07.280
they didn't receive enough love.
739
00:37:07.800 --> 00:37:10.880
M can you just say a little bit more be
740
00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:13.800
because I can imagine that most of the listeners, maybe
741
00:37:13.880 --> 00:37:16.599
the listeners really don't understand this idea of coming home
742
00:37:16.639 --> 00:37:17.239
to yourself.
743
00:37:18.840 --> 00:37:21.840
Yeah again. You know, my grandfather gave me that poem
744
00:37:21.880 --> 00:37:23.719
the Guy in the Glass when I was a young
745
00:37:23.800 --> 00:37:27.000
man in my twenties, just heading down the wrong path.
746
00:37:27.039 --> 00:37:29.280
And you know, in his wise way, by the way,
747
00:37:29.320 --> 00:37:32.639
he carried this poem with him through World War Two.
748
00:37:34.360 --> 00:37:35.880
It was very important him and it was on his
749
00:37:36.199 --> 00:37:39.880
nursing home wall when he died. So it has a
750
00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:41.920
lot of meaning for me, but one of which was
751
00:37:41.960 --> 00:37:45.519
he was calling me back to the mirror, right the reckoning,
752
00:37:45.559 --> 00:37:48.079
the accounting, like, yeah, you can go down this path
753
00:37:48.119 --> 00:37:50.119
and you can have all you know it says in
754
00:37:50.159 --> 00:37:52.920
the poem you can. You know, you can pats on
755
00:37:52.960 --> 00:37:55.119
the back as you pass, but your final reward will
756
00:37:55.119 --> 00:37:57.119
be hearty in tears if you've cheated the guy in
757
00:37:57.159 --> 00:38:00.320
the glass. And I have sat with so many at
758
00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:01.840
the end of our people, at the end of their
759
00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:06.039
life and their deathbeds, and you just know when you've
760
00:38:06.039 --> 00:38:08.079
been with somebody who's cheated the guy or the gallon
761
00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:10.840
the glass, and that is if there's a hell, that's it.
762
00:38:12.519 --> 00:38:14.239
Thank you? That was I think that brought it right
763
00:38:14.280 --> 00:38:17.440
home for everybody. Okay, now I can't let you off
764
00:38:17.480 --> 00:38:20.360
the show without talking about you know this your own
765
00:38:21.480 --> 00:38:23.880
There's so much about what you sprinkle throughout the book
766
00:38:23.880 --> 00:38:26.280
that's just raw and intense about you and your own life.
767
00:38:26.280 --> 00:38:31.480
But that whole experience of you know, your deep dark
768
00:38:31.559 --> 00:38:33.519
Knight in the Woods is really powerful if you want
769
00:38:33.519 --> 00:38:35.960
to how are you going to situate setting that up
770
00:38:35.960 --> 00:38:37.639
at what that was about and what you got from
771
00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:39.679
that and maybe before you went into it, why did
772
00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:41.199
you know, why are you fighting with your wife in
773
00:38:41.199 --> 00:38:43.079
the first place? What were you struggling with?
774
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:47.000
For me, it came down to my title. My name
775
00:38:47.199 --> 00:38:51.840
was not b or Bar, it was rabbi. You know,
776
00:38:51.880 --> 00:38:54.639
there are certain professions that come at a cost, and
777
00:38:54.679 --> 00:38:57.639
I think clergy is one of them, not the only one.
778
00:38:58.119 --> 00:39:00.199
And you, no matter how ad I try to, it's
779
00:39:00.239 --> 00:39:04.360
not what I did, It's who I was. And I
780
00:39:04.440 --> 00:39:07.199
started to believe my own bullshit. I was Rabbi b
781
00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:12.079
that was the stage name, the persona, and I lost myself. Literally,
782
00:39:12.159 --> 00:39:14.320
I'd go to the mirror and I just didn't recognize
783
00:39:14.360 --> 00:39:17.159
myself anymore. And this was, you know, over a fifteen
784
00:39:17.199 --> 00:39:20.360
year period when I was a congregational rabbi, and I
785
00:39:20.440 --> 00:39:22.480
just got to this place where I knew, if I
786
00:39:22.519 --> 00:39:26.119
did not get out from under this mask, this persona,
787
00:39:26.199 --> 00:39:29.440
I would be my family's number three. I would kill myself.
788
00:39:30.360 --> 00:39:33.639
And so you know, long story short, I ended up
789
00:39:33.639 --> 00:39:36.719
in the woods by myself, and I wrestled till the
790
00:39:36.760 --> 00:39:39.199
break of dawn, and I liken it for me to
791
00:39:39.400 --> 00:39:42.280
Jacob in the Bible, who wrestles through the dark Knight,
792
00:39:42.719 --> 00:39:45.360
and he's transformed on the other side of it, and
793
00:39:45.400 --> 00:39:48.079
his name has changed. He's changed, but he limps forever
794
00:39:48.199 --> 00:39:51.679
because a lot of wounds, a lot of damage, and
795
00:39:51.800 --> 00:39:54.199
it doesn't go away. But you know, I started to
796
00:39:54.239 --> 00:39:57.840
take responsibility for it, change who I was, or maybe
797
00:39:57.880 --> 00:39:59.840
return to who I was, the guy in the glass,
798
00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:03.400
and that was sort of the catalyst for the next
799
00:40:03.440 --> 00:40:04.360
chapter of my life.
800
00:40:05.760 --> 00:40:07.639
I want to dig down into a couple of things
801
00:40:07.639 --> 00:40:10.039
there be so one, like I said, I learned things
802
00:40:10.079 --> 00:40:11.440
about you in your book that I didn't know, and
803
00:40:11.480 --> 00:40:14.280
I've known you first several years, and one of them was,
804
00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:17.480
you know, you were profoundly successful as a rabbi. You
805
00:40:17.519 --> 00:40:19.920
were well paid, well compensated. I was amazed to hear
806
00:40:19.960 --> 00:40:23.000
that some of the congregants would just simply send you
807
00:40:23.239 --> 00:40:25.159
new cars which you open your driveway. I mean, I
808
00:40:25.199 --> 00:40:27.519
can't even imagine that kind of a life and what
809
00:40:27.559 --> 00:40:29.480
it takes to walk away from that kind of a life.
810
00:40:29.960 --> 00:40:32.400
So part of your experience of going to the woods
811
00:40:32.480 --> 00:40:34.239
is if I have this, if I remember this correctly,
812
00:40:34.280 --> 00:40:36.719
as you got lost too, so that's part of the
813
00:40:36.760 --> 00:40:39.000
whole processes. You got lost while you're out there.
814
00:40:39.239 --> 00:40:40.960
Yeah, I mean, what happened in the woods is what
815
00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:44.119
happened in my life. I was lost in my darkness
816
00:40:44.239 --> 00:40:47.400
and losing my identity myself. And yeah, I was at
817
00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:49.480
the top of my game. I had a lifetime contract.
818
00:40:49.480 --> 00:40:53.840
I had a serious compensation package, and again, more than
819
00:40:53.880 --> 00:40:58.559
just the money, it was the status right and walking
820
00:40:58.599 --> 00:41:00.719
away from that, I ended up going out into those
821
00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:03.599
dark woods. And that was just the beginning. I didn't
822
00:41:03.599 --> 00:41:04.760
have a dark night at the soul. I had a
823
00:41:04.800 --> 00:41:06.840
dark decade of the soul. It took me ten years
824
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:09.920
to work through it. We moved to Israel, to a
825
00:41:09.920 --> 00:41:12.199
mountaintop in the Middle East. I barely spoke the language.
826
00:41:12.199 --> 00:41:14.920
I couldn't be a rabbi. I was sweeping literally, I
827
00:41:14.920 --> 00:41:16.559
was in a synagogue one day and I was sweeping
828
00:41:16.639 --> 00:41:19.840
up and the rabbi was getting all the accolades. And
829
00:41:20.280 --> 00:41:23.280
that was my process of really shedding the mask and
830
00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:25.119
getting back to the guy in the glass.
831
00:41:27.079 --> 00:41:30.440
Well, you know, there's so much to learn from that,
832
00:41:30.519 --> 00:41:32.840
to be inspired by that and to relate to that
833
00:41:33.039 --> 00:41:35.320
be and I just really one of the many things
834
00:41:35.360 --> 00:41:37.039
I appreciate about you book is You're just you really
835
00:41:37.039 --> 00:41:39.679
are piercingly raw in it, which is I think the
836
00:41:39.719 --> 00:41:42.320
only way that you can really help access and give
837
00:41:42.360 --> 00:41:45.800
access to the readers, to you know, as they struggle
838
00:41:45.880 --> 00:41:47.760
through trying to understand and make sense of their own
839
00:41:47.800 --> 00:41:50.280
lives and who they are. Who's the guy in the glass.
840
00:41:50.920 --> 00:41:52.400
Yeah, when guys come to me, and I don't even
841
00:41:52.440 --> 00:41:54.920
call myself a therapist anymore because I'm just so you know,
842
00:41:54.960 --> 00:41:57.119
we just sit and we work together, and I just say,
843
00:41:57.159 --> 00:42:00.800
I'm just another banged up brother. And ramdas teacher of mine, said,
844
00:42:00.840 --> 00:42:03.880
we're all just here walking each other home, and that
845
00:42:03.880 --> 00:42:06.000
doesn't happen when you're a you know, a stage on
846
00:42:06.039 --> 00:42:08.280
the stage, and I'm not just a banged up brother
847
00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:09.800
walk another men home.
848
00:42:11.159 --> 00:42:14.960
Well, I appreciate your humility because, like I said, I
849
00:42:14.960 --> 00:42:16.800
didn't know about all of this, and you know what
850
00:42:16.920 --> 00:42:18.760
you had really walked through to get to where you were.
851
00:42:18.800 --> 00:42:21.280
I only I only knew Bee as I know B today,
852
00:42:21.320 --> 00:42:23.480
So I didn't know about all of this other previous story.
853
00:42:23.480 --> 00:42:25.400
Now it makes me even respect you and appreciate you
854
00:42:25.440 --> 00:42:29.119
even more. B So, anyway, so let's do this. Let's
855
00:42:29.559 --> 00:42:31.400
it would be great in our little bit of time
856
00:42:31.400 --> 00:42:33.679
together here, I think our listeners and viewers would really
857
00:42:33.800 --> 00:42:36.280
like and benefit from hearing maybe a story or two
858
00:42:36.440 --> 00:42:39.920
about someone that you've helped, a man that you've helped
859
00:42:39.960 --> 00:42:42.119
through through your work. What was he dealing with and
860
00:42:42.199 --> 00:42:45.000
how did the two of you work together or daughter
861
00:42:45.079 --> 00:42:47.440
they were together in group if it was Yeah, this
862
00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:48.280
one just happened.
863
00:42:48.480 --> 00:42:51.280
This past month, I met a man named Wally who's
864
00:42:52.400 --> 00:42:56.840
late stage dementia, and he's in the seventies and he's
865
00:42:56.880 --> 00:42:59.719
going to be taking his life at some point. And
866
00:43:00.119 --> 00:43:02.039
I've spent most of my time I wanta trying to
867
00:43:02.039 --> 00:43:03.440
talk him out of it, but trying to talk to
868
00:43:03.519 --> 00:43:05.639
him about what there's always meaning in life. But I
869
00:43:05.679 --> 00:43:08.400
respect a man enough to know that, you know, that's
870
00:43:08.440 --> 00:43:13.559
his choice. And we have been digging into his dementia
871
00:43:13.639 --> 00:43:17.199
as the most meaningful time of his life. As he said,
872
00:43:17.800 --> 00:43:22.679
he is not thinking less, he's feeling more, and he
873
00:43:22.760 --> 00:43:25.320
has approached this and that has been At first, it
874
00:43:25.440 --> 00:43:28.199
was a personal concentration camp when he was sentenced to
875
00:43:28.440 --> 00:43:31.000
you know this for the rest of his life. And
876
00:43:31.079 --> 00:43:34.079
over the past few years, not me, but on his own,
877
00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:37.440
he has been finding the meaning. And so we're really
878
00:43:37.519 --> 00:43:40.159
kind of tying up the loose ends of his life,
879
00:43:40.719 --> 00:43:43.519
framing it, capturing it so that it can be a
880
00:43:43.599 --> 00:43:47.000
legacy for those who follow after him. I'm proud of
881
00:43:47.079 --> 00:43:49.039
the work that we've been doing together in that space,
882
00:43:49.239 --> 00:43:50.599
and that is Victor Frankel.
883
00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:54.599
One on one mm hm. We have time for another
884
00:43:54.639 --> 00:43:55.960
if you if you have another one to share.
885
00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:58.360
That was hard to follow up, Alice, I don't know.
886
00:43:58.519 --> 00:44:00.519
I know what you got. You got a lot basket.
887
00:44:00.559 --> 00:44:00.960
I know that.
888
00:44:01.360 --> 00:44:03.519
Let me say I've shifted more out of one on
889
00:44:03.519 --> 00:44:07.440
one counseling and coaching to men's groups and our friend
890
00:44:07.480 --> 00:44:10.920
doctor Daniel Franz and I and another guy started men's
891
00:44:10.960 --> 00:44:12.920
peer groups and go to Men's peer groups dot com.
892
00:44:13.239 --> 00:44:16.400
Because this work as men has to happen in community.
893
00:44:16.760 --> 00:44:19.639
You know this, John Wayne, go to loone. Bootstrap mentality
894
00:44:19.719 --> 00:44:22.079
is part of what got us into the suicide statistic
895
00:44:22.599 --> 00:44:25.280
and so the only way out, a way out is
896
00:44:25.320 --> 00:44:30.119
to bring men together in community and commitments, authenticity, vulnerability,
897
00:44:30.480 --> 00:44:32.320
because it's one thing to do with a therapist or
898
00:44:32.320 --> 00:44:34.039
even with your partner, but it's another thing to do
899
00:44:34.159 --> 00:44:37.119
in the community of men, and that has been transformative.
900
00:44:38.840 --> 00:44:41.599
My co author, doctor Arthur Serah McCauley also does group
901
00:44:41.639 --> 00:44:43.920
work like that too, and he's you know, he says,
902
00:44:43.960 --> 00:44:46.039
of course, and it's peers. So then your peers are
903
00:44:46.039 --> 00:44:48.840
helping you also to see you find them near and
904
00:44:48.840 --> 00:44:51.440
see what's in it kind of thing. And I agree
905
00:44:51.480 --> 00:44:53.719
with you, and certainly I can't even imagine how powerful
906
00:44:53.719 --> 00:44:55.639
that must be to be able to help those men
907
00:44:55.880 --> 00:44:58.719
have real, vulnerable conversations in front of each other and
908
00:44:58.760 --> 00:44:59.400
with each other.
909
00:45:00.199 --> 00:45:04.119
Yeah, that's transformative. I have seen more men grow because
910
00:45:04.119 --> 00:45:06.519
of that than anything else I've ever done in my life.
911
00:45:07.280 --> 00:45:09.239
And I guess I can't help because I know for me,
912
00:45:09.960 --> 00:45:13.599
some of my most fulfilling moments in my work are
913
00:45:13.639 --> 00:45:15.599
when the spouse of someone that I've been working with
914
00:45:15.599 --> 00:45:17.800
inside companies reaches out and says, I don't know what
915
00:45:17.800 --> 00:45:21.280
you're doing, but thank you. Are you getting that kind
916
00:45:21.320 --> 00:45:22.039
of communication.
917
00:45:22.639 --> 00:45:26.800
Yes, we get a lot of partners, usually women, not always,
918
00:45:27.000 --> 00:45:30.639
who are reaching out to us. And I've done some videos,
919
00:45:30.679 --> 00:45:33.800
I mean, some podcasts with them just interviewing the transformation
920
00:45:33.920 --> 00:45:36.119
and their marriage. I think it's saved a lot of
921
00:45:36.199 --> 00:45:38.320
marriages because of the work they're doing, not because of
922
00:45:38.320 --> 00:45:40.239
anything we're doing. But that's the nature of it, right,
923
00:45:40.280 --> 00:45:42.639
A man doing his own work in a peer context
924
00:45:42.679 --> 00:45:45.239
nobody tells each other what to do. We just share
925
00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:48.440
our experience and in that process, men are becoming better men.
926
00:45:49.480 --> 00:45:51.280
And so what would be like a couple of other
927
00:45:51.320 --> 00:45:53.960
ways that the listeners and viewers have recognize, you know,
928
00:45:54.039 --> 00:45:56.800
these improvements. So a saved marriage is one the wife
929
00:45:56.840 --> 00:45:57.519
didn't walk out.
930
00:45:58.039 --> 00:46:00.639
One of the things we do in our peer group
931
00:46:00.679 --> 00:46:03.639
says we have a clearing So you go around the
932
00:46:03.679 --> 00:46:05.320
table and you say, Joe, I'm clear with you, Jim,
933
00:46:05.320 --> 00:46:06.880
I'm clear with you. John, I'm not clear with you.
934
00:46:06.880 --> 00:46:09.519
You didn't email me, and that hurt. And learning how
935
00:46:09.559 --> 00:46:12.039
to hear hard things and say hard things and not
936
00:46:12.119 --> 00:46:14.639
react because so many men, I know this is shocking.
937
00:46:15.360 --> 00:46:17.559
They wall up, they take the ball in their go home,
938
00:46:17.639 --> 00:46:19.760
or they come after you. They turn it around. To
939
00:46:19.920 --> 00:46:23.360
learn to how to hear hard things, say hard things,
940
00:46:23.599 --> 00:46:28.119
not react, just hold the space is transformative in the
941
00:46:28.159 --> 00:46:28.719
work of men.
942
00:46:30.840 --> 00:46:32.440
Well be. You know I'm a fan and you and
943
00:46:32.440 --> 00:46:34.719
I've gotten to do work together over the years, and
944
00:46:34.880 --> 00:46:38.960
I really tremendously appreciate and respect and applaud what you're doing.
945
00:46:39.079 --> 00:46:40.920
I thank you for that for helping more men become
946
00:46:41.000 --> 00:46:44.000
whole and to love themselves again. Thank you for coming
947
00:46:44.039 --> 00:46:45.199
back on working on purpose.
948
00:46:45.639 --> 00:46:46.280
Thank you, doctor.
949
00:46:46.280 --> 00:46:50.400
Else, we have time for just one one thing, one takeaway.
950
00:46:50.440 --> 00:46:52.440
What would you like to leave our listeners and viewers with,
951
00:46:54.159 --> 00:46:54.800
those who.
952
00:46:54.639 --> 00:46:58.320
Have a Y can bear almost anyhow, right, spend as
953
00:46:58.400 --> 00:47:01.039
much time on digging into what is my why? And
954
00:47:01.079 --> 00:47:03.079
it doesn't have to be static, it can be evolving,
955
00:47:03.119 --> 00:47:05.159
It should be evolving, but as much time as you
956
00:47:05.199 --> 00:47:08.079
do on anything else, because again, those who have a
957
00:47:08.199 --> 00:47:09.679
Y can bear almost anyhow.
958
00:47:10.960 --> 00:47:14.800
So incredibly true and that certainly allowed me to persevere
959
00:47:14.800 --> 00:47:17.159
to through my hard years for sure, one hundred percent.
960
00:47:18.320 --> 00:47:20.760
Listeners and viewers, you are going to definitely want to
961
00:47:20.840 --> 00:47:22.840
learn more about doctor Rabbi a bat who could be
962
00:47:23.480 --> 00:47:25.880
high Leve and his books, his podcast and the work
963
00:47:25.880 --> 00:47:28.599
he's doing coaching men and in peer groups. You can
964
00:47:28.639 --> 00:47:31.199
start by visiting his one of his websites, it's just
965
00:47:31.239 --> 00:47:34.840
simply B the letter B and his last name ha Leve.
966
00:47:35.280 --> 00:47:38.519
So it's B H A L e v I dot
967
00:47:38.559 --> 00:47:42.360
com bhalv dot com. Last week, if you missed the
968
00:47:42.400 --> 00:47:45.280
live show, you can always catch it be recorded podcast.
969
00:47:45.400 --> 00:47:47.559
We were on air with Sherry Jacobs. She's the author
970
00:47:47.599 --> 00:47:50.760
of the Unexpected Power of Boundaries. And an innovation strategist
971
00:47:50.920 --> 00:47:55.559
who helps organizations unlock their creative potential by rethinking boundaries, risks,
972
00:47:55.599 --> 00:47:59.360
and leadership. We dove into the three key areas of boundaries, voice,
973
00:47:59.360 --> 00:48:02.599
and permission she situates in the book to help leaders
974
00:48:02.719 --> 00:48:08.079
unlock and unleash more innovation. It was surprisingly very attentive
975
00:48:08.119 --> 00:48:12.800
and accessible, useful across the whole organization. Next week will
976
00:48:12.800 --> 00:48:15.360
be on the air with Warren Cornblum. He's a former
977
00:48:15.400 --> 00:48:18.480
global chief marketing officer and the author of Notes from
978
00:48:18.519 --> 00:48:21.760
the Brandstand Thoughts on emotional branding From someone who has
979
00:48:21.800 --> 00:48:25.119
fought for customer attention and one, you will be surprised
980
00:48:25.159 --> 00:48:27.480
how much his work and what we talk about can
981
00:48:27.480 --> 00:48:30.599
be used to inform and improve employee and customer experience
982
00:48:30.639 --> 00:48:33.840
as well. See you, then, let's continue leaning into discovering
983
00:48:33.880 --> 00:48:36.159
how to elevate your operating system as a leader and
984
00:48:36.199 --> 00:48:40.079
create destination workplaces where legendary business takes place. Let's work
985
00:48:40.119 --> 00:48:40.679
on Purpose.
986
00:48:43.800 --> 00:48:46.440
We hope you've enjoyed this week's program. Be sure to
987
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:49.519
tune into Working on Purpose featuring your host, doctor Elise
988
00:48:49.599 --> 00:48:53.199
Cortes each week on W four C. Why Together We'll
989
00:48:53.239 --> 00:48:57.239
create a world where business operates conscientiously. Leadership inspires and
990
00:48:57.280 --> 00:49:00.639
passion performance and employees are fulfilled in work that provides
991
00:49:00.679 --> 00:49:03.760
the meaning and purpose they crave. See you there. Let's
992
00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:04.920
work on purpose.