Ep.31 Do We Share Too Much Online? Influencer Sarah's Day Reveals The Dark Side Of Being A Social Media Star

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I've never been in a black hole like that in
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my life. You got kind of canceled for anything. And
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if you weren't a part of the trend, your comments
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were just insane. I was so unfiltered and so raw
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on my YouTube. I looked like a shredded 12 year old.
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I was going through a breakup. My job was to
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work out. I was at the gym for three hours,
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three hours a day. My diet fluctuations started because of
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my skin and then became about being shredded, having abs
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or being part of a culture. I definitely got in
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this spiral of needing to look like the rest of
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the fitspo girls. I lost my period and I look
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back and I'm like, sis, you weren't eating enough. He
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kind of said, this baby's gonna have no quality of life.
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I was just preparing myself for the worst case scenario.
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And then people were like, just confirm or deny. Does
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he have Down syndrome? I'm like, I'm not going to
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play this game. I was just a shell of a human.
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What is up guys and welcome to this episode of
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Working Hard, Hardly Working. I'm in Australia still, not actually
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still when this podcast goes live. I will almost definitely
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be somewhere way less hot and way less exciting. But
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I am today recording from Sydney with the one, the
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only Sarah's Day. This is literally, I told Sarah that
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this felt like I'd like won a fangirl competition from
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when I was like 18 because Sarah was one of
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the first people I followed on social media and got
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completely and utterly obsessed with her content. She's been through
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many different iterations as a lot of people who I
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guess kind of grew up online have, especially within the
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fitness space where it's been through very, very different, very
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kind of toxic stages. And if you're learning online, I
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guess you're at the forefront of those toxicities and all
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of these things. And I really wanted to delve into
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that with her today to talk about her career, not
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just the good parts and kind of the success, but
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as we always do on this podcast, kind of talking
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about some of the more controversial times, some of the
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times when actually she's looked back and kind of been like,
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what the fuck, that was incredibly toxic. That was not
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something I should have been teaching to people, I guess.
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But from a point of, she was online, she was learning,
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she was doing her fitness journey and sharing it authentically
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at the time, which is actually what we ask of creators.
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I kind of wanted to discuss the complexities of that,
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how she feels about that and kind of the various
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stages of her career and what she would look back
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on and maybe change, what she wouldn't change, the different
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iterations of the fitness industry. And all in all, this
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was just like a really honest and open chat. And
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I'm so glad that Sarah joined me today, especially as
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she doesn't do many interviews. And actually we were able
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to have this kind of conversation We also spend a
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lot of time talking about her journey into motherhood, which
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she shared publicly different kind of obstacles she's had along
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the way, including near HPV, including PCOS, including becoming pregnant
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when she wasn't expecting it, and including with her second
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pregnancy where.
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She was advised by doctors to.
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Terminate the pregnancy based on a genetic abnormality and talking
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the whole way about how that's been sharing that online,
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where she's done it wrong, where she's done it right,
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where she couldn't foresee having done that any better. And
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it's just a really honest and open chat. And I
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think really that's all we can ask for. But it's
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also just so nice to be able to hear it
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from that perspective and really hear the behind the scenes.
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And as you know, that's exactly what we kind of
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try and do on this podcast. So I hope you
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really enjoy this conversation. I think it was really, really interesting.
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But I think you'll really enjoy it. As always, please
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do rate and subscribe to the podcast on whatever platform
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you're listening to it on. It really helps the podcast
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gain new audiences. It helps the ratings go up. As always,
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really helpful for my ego. And also for us getting
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better guests on so that we can delve into their careers,
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the good, the bad and the ugly. Sarah Tills, more
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commonly known as Sarah's Day, is an Australian fitness influencer
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and YouTuber best known for her fitness, diet and wellness content.
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While studying to become a teacher, Sarah began her online
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journey while posting about her hormonal acne online as a
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way to source advice, but also to help others who
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were struggling with it as well. This expanded into fitness, wellness,
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and lifestyle content. And on the date of this recording,
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Sarah has over 3 million followers across her Instagram and
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YouTube channels and is the founder of multiple companies, including
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Sarah's Day, a personal brand fitness eBooks and app, Sunny App,
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her recipe app, the Health Code Podcast, and the House
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of Groms, a creative strategy and production company. Sarah has
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also created products with several global brands, including multiple drops
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on her own activewear line with White Fox and her
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own protein and supplement powders with Tropicor. Having shared her
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life online for nearly 10 years, including the birth of
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her two sons, Sarah has grown up in the digital
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space and has had a lot of learnings along the way.
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Going from 5 a.m.
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Wake-ups and spending hours in the gym each day adhering
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to an incredibly strict diet to juggling several businesses and
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two children, Sarah has seen incredible success from her work online.
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But of course, there have been some sticky moments too.
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There aren't many recent interviews that Sarah has participated in,
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so I'm extremely excited and grateful to be able to
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hear and share both sides of her story with you
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in this episode today.
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Thank you so much for joining me. You're welcome. A
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few disclaimers.
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For everyone watching from home, we are at the Meta
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Studios in Sydney, which is very, very exciting. Second disclaimer
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is I have my phone in my hand. I am
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not watching TikTok.
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I find Sarah very interesting.
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Yeah.
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Am I boring you?
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I usually have the stuff printed out, but I am
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in Australia and Australia doesn't have printers.
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Windows not working here. So I want to go back to.
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The beginning of your career, the beginning of you sharing
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things online.
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I know at the time it.
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Wasn't necessarily, you didn't necessarily think of it as the
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beginning of your career.
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The word influencer wasn't even a thing. This was like 2013,
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I'm pretty sure. Yeah, 2013. And I was just suffering
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with really bad hormonal acne. It was the first thing
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I thought of when I woke up. It was the
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last thing I thought of when I went to bed.
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It was consuming my life. I was so embarrassed. I
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couldn't look people in the eyes. It was the core
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focus of my life. And I remember doing different diets
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or eating different things, just trying every avenue to try
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to heal my skin. And people would ask me whether
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it was like friends or strangers I would meet about
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what I'm doing to try to fix my skin. So
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I decided to make this little Instagram to kind of
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document it because I was like for me and for
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maybe an audience. And I would just post like chia
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seed water and like different scrubs I was using. And
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eventually I did clear my skin, but I had like
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700 followers. Like I never thought about it. And then
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I think people started asking me like, oh, what do
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you do workout? Like, what do you do for fitness?
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And I was like, okay. So, and this was before
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Instagram was video. So I would just like post a
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photo at the gym being like, I just did crunches. Like,
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and that's what I did. And then in terms of
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the comments, people would ask me really specific questions where
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I was like, I was so over replying through comments
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that I was like, you know what? I'll do a video.
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I'll just sit down and do a video. And at
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the time I had a little bit of a love
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for editing. I wanted to be a cameraman for the
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footy show. So I thought this will kind of Fulfill
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my love for film. I can edit it, but then
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I can also answer the questions easier through like my
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verbal videos on YouTube. That was 2013. Had no idea.
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Influencer wasn't a word. It was for fun. It was
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a hobby.
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Because that was about two years before I started.
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And when I started. Did you start after me? Yeah.
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I started 2016. I told everyone like you were the OG. OG.
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I'm the OG.
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You're the OG.
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Stop trying to be me. I invented it. I remember
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just watching your vlogs and you were always studying. Yeah.
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I was like, stop, stop. And then I left uni
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and you were still at uni and I was going
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to come out being like, leave. You need to stop.
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You need to leave. I know.
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Well, I often think that like that was actually one
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of the main reasons for my YouTube having blown up
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was the fact that I never got into like the
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unrelatable like influencer having, you know, really young living in
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their own apartment, any of those things because I was
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still in the same room being like, Writing an essay today.
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I made that focus to not, I don't want to
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name and shame people, but there were certain Australian influencers
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who were super relatable. And then their content just became
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about like buying a Louis Vuitton bag, having an Hermes bracelet.
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And I was like, I can't relate to you anymore.
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I guess there was an element of consciously trying to
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maintain relatability, but my family to this day are the
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people who will ground me and say, what are you doing?
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Why are you posting that? Why are you buying that?
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So I think it's like, yeah, maybe a little bit
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of tactic was staying relatable, but everyone around me was like,
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remember who you are, stop. So I think I'm really
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lucky in that sense that the people around me kept
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me grounded and was like, remember why you did this.
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Remember why you did YouTube. You're trying to help people.
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It's not about you and showing off what you have
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and what you can do. It's helping others through your
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mistakes and things you're trying.
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At the very beginning of kind of when you were
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posting and stuff, can you give a little timeline in
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terms of like, when it started getting traction, what you
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were kind of posting about at the time.
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It will never change, whether it's Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, whatever. Unfortunately,
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it's always some kind of scandal or some kind of
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emotional rollercoaster will often make you go viral. And it was...
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not purposeful. I went through a breakup. So I was
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with my ex-boyfriend for seven years. He was a part
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of my channel. You remember? He was a part of
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my channel, but he was an introvert, right? Which was
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also really hard because people in the comments still to
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this day, they're brutal. So if you have someone who's
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an introvert on your channel, it comes across as rude.
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It comes across as that person doesn't like you. That
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person doesn't want to be around you. It's like, no,
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they're introverted. And when there's a camera in front of them,
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they go inside. So he was an introvert. So it
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was kind of hard to vlog around him because he
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didn't really want to be on camera. But anyway, during
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that breakup, I was so unfiltered and so raw on
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my YouTube. And it was the time that cancel culture
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hadn't really kicked in yet. And I also didn't have
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the following I have now where everyone who followed me
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was there for a good reason. They were there because
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they liked watching me and they were rooting for me.
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So I felt safe to be super vulnerable. I remember
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the one vlog that people still bring up to this
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day of how they found me was I was sitting
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in the car, my vlogging camera broke and he worked
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in tech and he would be the one who would
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normally fix it. And I sat in the car, I
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filmed on my phone or something and I just started
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crying saying, it's the first time that my breakup's hitting me. Anyway,
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that kind of scene, I guess, went viral and people
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started following me about how are you going to get
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through this breakup? You've been with this guy for seven years,
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how are you going to find yourself and not go
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off the rails? So that was like a snowball effect
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and I think I got like 30,000 followers within like
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two weeks or something. And I was so shocked. I
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kind of didn't know what to do with it, but
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I wanted to maintain my vulnerability.
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And the rest of the content that you were posting
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at that time, was that more kind of like, had
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that already gone into health and fitness beyond the health
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and fitness?
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Yeah. So acne was kind of the start. And then
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when I started opening up about my fitness routine and
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That got a lot of, you know, a lot of
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focus and a lot of attention. So I was a
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health and fitness channel. Like that was my, I think
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my bio is it. I haven't even changed my YouTube
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bio in years. It was like health and fitness. YouTube channel.
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And then the more people get to know you, the
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more they want to know about like, show your family,
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show your boyfriend. Like, so yeah, it was health and fitness.
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And to this day, it kind of is, I guess
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we'll go into that more, but you know, channels evolve,
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but the core I think will always stay.
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Yeah. It's so interesting because obviously like health and fitness,
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when you look at influencers, if it's their entire content,
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obviously it's really, really helpful, but it's also it's you know,
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I started my fitness journey following a lot of fitness
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influencers and I'd be looking at them and I'd be like,
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how the fuck do you do that?
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How the fuck do you look like that? All of this.
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And then I'd also be like, when you really start
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thinking about it and you're like, okay, but your literal
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job is to go to the gym. So of course
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you look like that. And of course you're, and like,
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no hate at all, I think. I was in that
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position at one point. But it's also, I think, one
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of the healthier things when people's content revolves around more
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than that. If they decide to do that, because of
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course it's no one's duty to be sharing their personal
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life or beyond that. But I really think that at
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least it shows a bit more of a rounded view
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in order for someone to think. Because I used to
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get so insecure at looking at all of these people
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with the most unbelievable bodies and having, even in terms
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of actual lifting, what they were lifting, all of these
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different things. And it's like, But in terms of their meals,
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in terms of when they can work out, in terms
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of all of these things, that is literally their job.
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And so they are able to revolve everything around that
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when at the time I was, I don't know, getting up.
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At 5 a.m. to be able to do it before work.
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I only had a small amount of time where that
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was my job. Because at the start, when I first started,
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I was in uni and I was working in retail.
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What were you studying at uni? Primary education. I was
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in this point when I started I've kind of jumped
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around to different things because I never, I just didn't
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feel like I loved anything. I was like, yeah, I
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would be a good teacher because I'm so extroverted and
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like creative and whatever. But I just, I never found
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my niche until I started my YouTube channel and I
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had no idea you could even make money from it, right?
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Like I felt such purpose getting up every day and
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filming and I feel like there's such power in knowing
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your authentic self and what you are so passionate about.
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Like there's a reason people are passionate about different things
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and getting up and filming every day. I remember thinking,
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imagine if this could be my job. If I ever
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get in a rut now where I'm resenting filming or
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resenting YouTube for any reason, I always try to humble
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myself and think, Think how unhappy I was at uni.
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Think how unhappy I was at prac doing teaching. Like,
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this is my job. You are so lucky. But in
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terms of, I guess, health and fitness and showing more
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of myself, naturally, I'm an oversharer. All of my friends,
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all of my family will vouch for this. You ask
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a question, I will literally tell you what underwear I'm wearing.
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So it wasn't even like a tactical or strategic decision
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to be like, I'm going to open up more. I'm
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100 or nothing.
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I relate to that so strongly because I've actually had to,
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when I've made a more conscious decision, which I have
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to share less online, it's actually really hard because I
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sit down naturally with someone and I will, as you say,
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I'll end up splurging about a date I went on
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or any.
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Of these things and it'll be like, I literally met you.
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I'll tell you what kind of my menstrual cycle I'm in.
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I'm like, what's your discharge like? Let's talk about it.
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And that's my family. My family, we're super open with everything,
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like everything. So I find it really hard to be like...
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Perfect job for you then. Yeah, but with kids it
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gets tough. That's where it gets tricky. I know, I
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can fully imagine.
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And so what time around was this when it blew
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up with the breakup and kind of your content started?
326
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2016, I think. 2017, I remember as like my pinnacle year.
327
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I met Kurt, my now husband. I was so sus
328
00:14:58.389 --> 00:15:00.610
of him. I was so sus because he was a
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photographer and I remember telling him I had this idea
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that I wanted to make this fitness ebook, right? People
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were asking me, what's your fitness routine? And I could
332
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only make so many videos and people would ask the
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same questions. And I was like, I'm going to make
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a program of how I train.
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Right.
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And he was a PT. He was a photographer. He
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was like, I believe in you. I believe in your brand.
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Let me sign off because I'm not a PT. You
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have to have a PT sign off. He's like, let
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me look at all your workouts. I'll sign it off
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and I'll take all the photos. And I was like,
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what do you want from me? Like, this was like
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a week. You sound like a user. Literally, I was like,
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you're not getting a cut of anything I make. So
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I made him sign a contract. This was like our
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second date. And I was living in my parents' house.
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I had no money. I had nothing. And he was like,
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who do you think you are? Like, I was acting
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a little late. And I was like, I'm going to
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be massive, okay? So I made him sign this contract,
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which still we talk about, and I'm like, you still
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get no cut of it.
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Yeah.
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You married me, like whatever. And yeah, I was so sus.
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But basically he helped me. He took all the photos.
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He signed off on it all. And I remember I
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was like, no one's going to buy this. No one's
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going to buy this e-book. I wanted to do this
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event that I could kind of give back and meet
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people who were watching me. And I was like, it's
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00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:11.759
going to be so embarrassing. No one's going to come.
362
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It was insane. It was like a thousand people ended
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up coming. And at that point I only had 100K.
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Right.
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Subscribers. That's insane. Insane. And that was worldwide. And I
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00:16:21.230 --> 00:16:24.200
remember my ex-boyfriend messaged me and we were on good terms.
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We've always been on good terms. He messaged me and
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he was working like two blocks up the road in
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the city. And he said, there are people lining up
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outside of my work with your face on their shirt.
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I'm so proud of you. I was like, you want
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me back?
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Sorry about it.
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Sorry, but my new boyfriend took the photos. But that
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was the moment that I was like, Wow, people actually care.
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People are buying my product. It did so much better
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than I anticipated. Yeah, how much were you selling the
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e-books for? $ 69. 99.
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00:16:55.320 --> 00:16:56.799
Right, so $ 69.
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99, a thousand people turned up to an event. Yeah.
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Just for context. No, so.
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That's a fucking, like that's a lot of money to
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be making.
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My whole family were there wearing my Sarah's Day t-shirts,
385
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like giving out merch. Yeah. And my PayPal crashed. because
386
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they thought I was doing something illegal because I was
387
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a uni student, right? So I had like $ 200 in
388
00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:20.960
my PayPal account. And then all of a sudden it
389
00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:23.839
was like, so they shut it down, but they didn't
390
00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:25.589
tell me because- I had this as well. Yes, they
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00:17:25.609 --> 00:17:27.309
shut it down. They didn't want to stress me out.
392
00:17:27.369 --> 00:17:30.180
So my- my team, I used Hello Hello Studio, shout
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00:17:30.220 --> 00:17:32.720
out to them. They made my first ebook for free
394
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:35.380
because they were like, we're trying to get up and running.
395
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We'd love to give you exposure. Like we'd love to
396
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kind of get exposure off your channel. And I was like, okay,
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00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:44.539
now like we obviously pay them good rates, but we
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kind of did a collaboration and they troubleshot because they
399
00:17:47.819 --> 00:17:50.400
were like, oh my gosh. But that must've been unbelievable.
400
00:17:50.460 --> 00:17:51.869
How did that feel overnight?
401
00:17:51.940 --> 00:17:54.789
You not just Not just the traction and, like, people there,
402
00:17:54.849 --> 00:17:57.230
but also I assume that was, like, a huge amount
403
00:17:57.269 --> 00:17:58.890
of money to suddenly hit your account and to kind
404
00:17:58.910 --> 00:17:59.170
of be.
405
00:17:59.130 --> 00:18:01.690
Like, oh, my God. To go from 40K in debt
406
00:18:01.880 --> 00:18:03.900
because of my uni degree, which I didn't... I got...
407
00:18:04.220 --> 00:18:05.980
What did I get? I got, like, six weeks into
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00:18:06.019 --> 00:18:08.680
finishing it and I left uni because YouTube got intense,
409
00:18:08.779 --> 00:18:10.940
to having the money to be able to pay off
410
00:18:10.980 --> 00:18:14.990
that debt. It was that sense of, I guess, financial
411
00:18:15.210 --> 00:18:19.880
stability for the first time in my whole life was... amazing.
412
00:18:20.619 --> 00:18:23.539
What excited me more was genuinely, and I feel fake
413
00:18:23.579 --> 00:18:27.220
saying this, but honestly, was seeing everyone's faces and meeting
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people and meeting girls with hormonal acne and, and them
415
00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:33.799
coming with no makeup. That was my high. Of course. Oh,
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00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:36.960
a hundred percent. Genuinely. And I, I remember hearing people
417
00:18:37.029 --> 00:18:39.109
say things like that. I'm like, shut up, shut up.
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You can go buy a car now as if that's not.
419
00:18:41.670 --> 00:18:44.490
And it wasn't like when that happened, I was like, Oh.
420
00:18:44.910 --> 00:18:47.250
Yeah, like this actual human connection. Yeah.
421
00:18:47.609 --> 00:18:50.619
And my dad was crying saying, I'm so proud of you.
422
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What are you going to do? And, you know, I'm
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a saver. So I was like, I'm going to, I'm
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not going to, I had nothing to buy. Like I
425
00:18:55.339 --> 00:18:57.019
wanted to stay living with Kurt at the time, but
426
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we'd had, we had a tiny apartment. We were super happy.
427
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Like I don't need big extravagant things. It was actually
428
00:19:02.839 --> 00:19:07.920
shocking how much the money didn't get me going. I
429
00:19:07.940 --> 00:19:10.779
was like, wow, that's really cool. And I'm really proud
430
00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:14.740
of myself. But Yeah, it was more that connection sense.
431
00:19:14.940 --> 00:19:17.609
And I only believe people now that it's happened to me.
432
00:19:18.130 --> 00:19:20.710
You know, like money does not buy happiness. It definitely
433
00:19:20.769 --> 00:19:24.589
calms me. Like financial stability makes me a calmer person, totally.
434
00:19:25.329 --> 00:19:29.589
But it's not my driving factor. Completely understand that.
435
00:19:29.910 --> 00:19:32.569
And what happened next in terms of your content, in
436
00:19:32.609 --> 00:19:34.930
terms of what you were, your kind of career, what
437
00:19:34.970 --> 00:19:35.809
you were creating?
438
00:19:35.809 --> 00:19:41.289
2017 was a time on social media where... you got
439
00:19:41.369 --> 00:19:44.579
kind of canceled for anything. There was trends. And if
440
00:19:44.660 --> 00:19:48.829
you weren't a part of the trend, your comments were
441
00:19:48.869 --> 00:19:53.769
just insane. So my diet fluctuations started because of my
442
00:19:53.849 --> 00:19:57.730
skin and then became about being shredded, having abs or
443
00:19:57.769 --> 00:19:59.369
being part of a culture. Yeah.
444
00:19:59.589 --> 00:20:01.650
And, you know, which was very of the time in
445
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terms of kind of people. We were very much in
446
00:20:04.529 --> 00:20:06.769
that fits for area. I think it's important to say
447
00:20:06.809 --> 00:20:08.710
there was definitely a little bit of a transition more
448
00:20:08.730 --> 00:20:10.730
to like lifting weights and stuff. But I would say
449
00:20:10.750 --> 00:20:12.690
it was still very much in the like big bowl
450
00:20:12.730 --> 00:20:13.430
of colorful fruit.
451
00:20:13.710 --> 00:20:16.559
Face yeah well the thing is you couldn't be a
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00:20:16.599 --> 00:20:19.859
hybrid right on on instagram specifically at the time you
453
00:20:19.900 --> 00:20:23.599
were either a raw vegan who ran and did pilates
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or you were if it fits your macros and you
455
00:20:27.009 --> 00:20:30.490
were lifting heavy and i at the time wanted my
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00:20:30.569 --> 00:20:32.569
feet in both a little bit i was like i
457
00:20:32.670 --> 00:20:34.630
want to eat fruit and i want to do pilates
458
00:20:34.829 --> 00:20:36.849
but i also want to train glutes but at that
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time and i think at my age i wasn't mature
460
00:20:39.130 --> 00:20:41.680
enough to be myself and say this is what i
461
00:20:41.720 --> 00:20:44.240
want to do take it or leave it I was
462
00:20:44.359 --> 00:20:47.910
conditioned or I conditioned myself even and relied heavily on
463
00:20:47.930 --> 00:20:51.029
the comments and I guess the approval of others to say, okay,
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you're right. I am a raw vegan and I do
465
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love running. I hate running. But I tried that and
466
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I would read people's comments saying, yeah, you know, animal
467
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products are going to kill you and this and that.
468
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And I would go, yeah, okay, cool. So I would
469
00:21:06.420 --> 00:21:09.529
push this vegan train, vegan train, and then my skin
470
00:21:09.549 --> 00:21:11.369
would break out. I would see my naturopath. He would
471
00:21:11.390 --> 00:21:14.190
really push high fat, high fat paleo. I'd say, okay, cool,
472
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high fat paleo. So I would take that and try
473
00:21:16.549 --> 00:21:18.769
to help my audience and say, guys, let's go high
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00:21:18.789 --> 00:21:21.900
fat paleo. Let's do resistance training. And I look back
475
00:21:22.039 --> 00:21:26.259
now and my enthusiasm and my passion, as much as
476
00:21:26.440 --> 00:21:28.920
I was trying to come from a positive space, other
477
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:31.680
people watching it were judging their own eating habits and
478
00:21:31.740 --> 00:21:35.650
were leaving my channel feeling negative about themselves and comparing
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themselves to me. And I definitely got in this spiral of,
480
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needing to look like the rest of the fitspo girls
481
00:21:43.299 --> 00:21:47.920
to have a place, I felt unworthy to have the
482
00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:50.539
level of subscribers I did, the level of engagement I
483
00:21:50.579 --> 00:21:53.220
did without abs. Like how could I be a fitness
484
00:21:53.240 --> 00:21:56.269
channel when I didn't have cap shoulders and abs? Or
485
00:21:56.420 --> 00:21:58.109
how would I be a health channel if I didn't
486
00:21:58.130 --> 00:22:02.420
eat everything organic and I was grain free? So it
487
00:22:02.480 --> 00:22:06.240
was trying to appease all of the different markets. But
488
00:22:06.279 --> 00:22:07.819
at the end of the day, I think I look
489
00:22:07.859 --> 00:22:09.839
back and I'm like, I was a part of that
490
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:12.720
toxic culture where I was just trying to be too perfect.
491
00:22:13.279 --> 00:22:15.259
And it's exhausting. It doesn't exist.
492
00:22:15.380 --> 00:22:17.599
And I think it's really important to look back and
493
00:22:17.619 --> 00:22:20.500
to be able to recognize like, oh, actually, I probably
494
00:22:20.559 --> 00:22:22.339
promoted something that was quite unhealthy.
495
00:22:22.380 --> 00:22:27.019
I was eating protein powder on toast. Yeah. A recommended
496
00:22:27.059 --> 00:22:28.740
vlog came up and it was me and I was like,
497
00:22:28.859 --> 00:22:30.240
I had no eyebrows back then. I don't know what
498
00:22:30.259 --> 00:22:34.349
was happening. Also, I lost my period. I lost my
499
00:22:34.380 --> 00:22:37.849
period and I look back and I'm like, sis, you
500
00:22:37.890 --> 00:22:40.109
weren't eating enough. You weren't eating enough. But it was
501
00:22:40.130 --> 00:22:43.470
probably the time as well that you were looking the most. Shredded.
502
00:22:43.589 --> 00:22:46.750
I looked 12. Okay. So like whatever you're into, but like,
503
00:22:46.849 --> 00:22:48.970
I looked like a shredded 12 year old. I was
504
00:22:49.009 --> 00:22:51.470
going through a breakup. My job was to work out.
505
00:22:51.569 --> 00:22:53.630
I was at the gym for three hours a day
506
00:22:53.670 --> 00:22:58.319
and I only ate protein bread, protein powder, fish, pumpkin.
507
00:22:58.710 --> 00:23:01.640
That's it. That is it. I didn't have my period,
508
00:23:01.819 --> 00:23:04.640
but I was so encapsulated in that life. And I thought,
509
00:23:05.059 --> 00:23:08.140
I genuinely thought I was being so healthy and so
510
00:23:08.200 --> 00:23:11.119
hashtag wellness that that I was doing these videos saying,
511
00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:13.359
I've lost my period. I don't know why I have amenorrhea.
512
00:23:13.539 --> 00:23:16.329
You have amenorrhea because your body's in fight or flight
513
00:23:16.390 --> 00:23:18.349
and you're working out for three hours a day. You're
514
00:23:18.369 --> 00:23:20.869
not eating enough calories. You're not sleeping enough. You're getting
515
00:23:20.910 --> 00:23:22.630
up at 5 a.m. to train. You're going to bed
516
00:23:22.650 --> 00:23:24.190
at 2 a.m. because you don't have an editor. You're
517
00:23:24.210 --> 00:23:27.220
editing your own vlogs. You know, I look back and
518
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:29.529
I'm like, I just wish I could talk to her
519
00:23:29.589 --> 00:23:32.910
and say, go and eat some sourdough. Go for a walk.
520
00:23:32.970 --> 00:23:34.279
You don't have to do that.
521
00:23:34.519 --> 00:23:36.390
It's important for you to look back and be able
522
00:23:36.430 --> 00:23:37.200
to say, do you know what?
523
00:23:37.220 --> 00:23:37.980
That was unhealthy.
524
00:23:38.380 --> 00:23:39.839
And as a result of the fact that I had
525
00:23:39.859 --> 00:23:43.779
a platform, I was promoting something unhealthy. However, the intention
526
00:23:43.819 --> 00:23:47.279
behind that kind of comes from the fact that platforms
527
00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:51.720
are created and people are put on a pedestal.
528
00:23:52.359 --> 00:23:55.259
And everything you say is gospel, but it's like, I
529
00:23:55.279 --> 00:23:58.059
was 22. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm learning
530
00:23:58.099 --> 00:23:58.680
like you.
531
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:01.299
So there's a responsibility, of course, from your side and
532
00:24:01.319 --> 00:24:04.259
from the platform side. It also needs to be recognized
533
00:24:04.279 --> 00:24:06.220
that you were learning at the same time in the
534
00:24:06.279 --> 00:24:08.799
same way as like I followed a lot of fitness
535
00:24:09.259 --> 00:24:12.579
influencers who it's turned out a year later they've revealed
536
00:24:12.599 --> 00:24:15.700
that they had an eating disorder. And sure, that might
537
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:18.220
have then been promoting unhealthy things during that time because
538
00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:21.970
they were posting fitness and eating content. But the intention
539
00:24:22.029 --> 00:24:26.009
behind it, you cannot shame someone for having a disorder
540
00:24:26.029 --> 00:24:28.440
of some kind or getting taken off like down a
541
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:30.779
trend or like down some sort of rabbit hole or
542
00:24:30.839 --> 00:24:33.000
like the content that blows up is the stuff that's
543
00:24:33.019 --> 00:24:36.900
actually probably the unhealthiest. Of course, when you're aware of that,
544
00:24:37.009 --> 00:24:39.970
then you have a duty. But you're also a 22-year-old
545
00:24:40.009 --> 00:24:42.329
who's trying to get into the gym and also like trying.
546
00:24:42.089 --> 00:24:44.269
To, of course, you have a responsibility. Navigate heartbreak and...
547
00:24:44.589 --> 00:24:46.150
But also, you don't know.
548
00:24:46.490 --> 00:24:49.089
If you knew in that moment it was unhealthy, I'm
549
00:24:49.170 --> 00:24:50.829
sure you wouldn't have been doing that.
550
00:24:50.890 --> 00:24:52.690
Yeah. It's like, why would I vlog this and be like,
551
00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:53.839
everybody eat like this?
552
00:24:53.859 --> 00:24:56.450
If it's intentionally different, that's tough.
553
00:24:56.910 --> 00:24:59.640
Everyone is always evolving, you know? And it's like even
554
00:25:00.180 --> 00:25:02.700
you might look back one day on your first business
555
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:05.059
podcast and say, I would never use that advice now.
556
00:25:05.440 --> 00:25:07.799
And that's fine. But in the moment, you're doing your best.
557
00:25:08.359 --> 00:25:12.500
You're trying to give, I guess... some helpful advice. The
558
00:25:12.539 --> 00:25:15.029
core of my channel was always trying to be vulnerable,
559
00:25:15.309 --> 00:25:19.029
give helpful advice, but I look back and I'm like, maybe.
560
00:25:19.049 --> 00:25:22.569
Because I also look back at my 20-year-old self online
561
00:25:22.869 --> 00:25:24.549
and I'm like, I get it, you found this content
562
00:25:24.589 --> 00:25:26.710
entertaining and you guys enjoyed it and all of this,
563
00:25:26.750 --> 00:25:29.839
but why the fuck were you taking advice from me?
564
00:25:30.079 --> 00:25:32.339
And of course, that's not anyone's fault, but it's also like,
565
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:36.759
it is wild that we platform 20-year-olds and then get
566
00:25:36.940 --> 00:25:38.500
angry at the fact that they might not give the
567
00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:39.180
best advice.
568
00:25:39.200 --> 00:25:39.519
I know.
569
00:25:40.359 --> 00:25:42.259
Actually, I think that most people, if they look at
570
00:25:42.319 --> 00:25:44.640
how they were when they're 20, they're like, fucking glad
571
00:25:44.660 --> 00:25:45.619
I didn't.
572
00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:47.660
Have that problem, because there's no way. Literally, I'm like,
573
00:25:47.740 --> 00:25:49.319
if you're the same person now as you were 10
574
00:25:49.319 --> 00:25:51.880
years ago, something's wrong with you. Everyone should be evolving
575
00:25:52.059 --> 00:25:54.900
all the time. I look back on my first videos
576
00:25:54.920 --> 00:25:57.099
where I would make a cake. Now that I have
577
00:25:57.140 --> 00:25:59.680
a cooking app, And I've done, you know, so much
578
00:25:59.700 --> 00:26:01.299
more research and I work with a chef and I
579
00:26:01.400 --> 00:26:03.170
know the ins and outs of ingredients. I look back
580
00:26:03.210 --> 00:26:05.150
on that video. I'm like, why would anyone make this cake?
581
00:26:05.230 --> 00:26:08.490
It literally doesn't make sense. Like there's 20 flours in here,
582
00:26:08.490 --> 00:26:12.210
20 different stabilizers, 20 different sugars. It doesn't make sense.
583
00:26:12.349 --> 00:26:14.390
But it's like at that time I was like, this
584
00:26:14.430 --> 00:26:15.019
is my healthy cake.
585
00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:17.660
Like, yeah. When we look back at it critically, it's
586
00:26:17.720 --> 00:26:20.039
both important from the influencer's point of view, but also
587
00:26:20.519 --> 00:26:25.049
it is quite like we've, especially someone like you who
588
00:26:25.140 --> 00:26:28.509
actually took off in at the beginning of the industry
589
00:26:28.990 --> 00:26:31.349
there's I think for people who are taking off now
590
00:26:31.390 --> 00:26:33.210
they can probably look at the mistakes of others who
591
00:26:33.250 --> 00:26:34.789
were a few years ago and go like do you
592
00:26:34.829 --> 00:26:37.099
know what I'm actually and at every age I think
593
00:26:37.140 --> 00:26:39.019
we think we're old enough to give advice and we think.
594
00:26:38.900 --> 00:26:40.720
We're mature enough like totally I think.
595
00:26:40.819 --> 00:26:42.740
Now I think I'm pretty mature I think you know
596
00:26:42.799 --> 00:26:45.599
I think my business advice it's probably like quite good
597
00:26:45.640 --> 00:26:47.650
from what I've learned and then I actually look at
598
00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:50.220
back at myself every year and I'm like God, I
599
00:26:50.259 --> 00:26:52.119
wish you'd know this or I wish you'd know this.
600
00:26:52.140 --> 00:26:55.650
Yeah, exactly. And honestly, do not. I like reflecting on
601
00:26:55.750 --> 00:26:58.930
my own, especially that whole wellness era. I like reflecting
602
00:26:58.990 --> 00:27:02.509
on what I've shared in the past, what I prioritized
603
00:27:02.529 --> 00:27:05.059
and heroed in the past, because I'm so much more
604
00:27:05.140 --> 00:27:07.859
conscious now, not even in terms of what I share,
605
00:27:07.900 --> 00:27:10.440
but what I fixate or focus on in my life.
606
00:27:10.839 --> 00:27:14.420
And I'm As much as I hope it didn't negatively
607
00:27:14.500 --> 00:27:17.269
affect people, I'm glad I personally went through it because
608
00:27:17.309 --> 00:27:20.130
it's made me such a balanced person now. Like I
609
00:27:20.230 --> 00:27:22.589
had to be my own guinea pig. It sounds bad,
610
00:27:22.609 --> 00:27:26.609
but I had to go through that whole macro accounting, vegan, plant-based,
611
00:27:26.789 --> 00:27:29.339
running three-hour gym to get to the point I'm at
612
00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:32.019
now because I've done all of that and it it's
613
00:27:32.059 --> 00:27:33.779
not for me, and now I'm like, I had to
614
00:27:33.819 --> 00:27:35.140
go through that to get here.
615
00:27:35.220 --> 00:27:37.220
Yeah, and I also assume you're a much better online
616
00:27:37.259 --> 00:27:39.940
creator for it, because you're probably like, I've learned this now,
617
00:27:40.130 --> 00:27:42.069
but actually maybe in a year I'll feel it's wrong.
618
00:27:42.329 --> 00:27:44.509
So I'm not going to take as strong a stance
619
00:27:44.930 --> 00:27:47.309
in what I'm saying in this moment, because I'm aware
620
00:27:47.349 --> 00:27:49.630
that it might, you know, my opinion might change.
621
00:27:49.789 --> 00:27:52.430
Even the whole, like, I'll always say, different foods work
622
00:27:52.450 --> 00:27:55.210
for different people. Different workouts work for different people. This
623
00:27:55.269 --> 00:27:57.950
is what I'm doing. I'm never like, you guys need
624
00:27:57.970 --> 00:27:59.789
to be doing Pilates, and you need to be having
625
00:27:59.829 --> 00:28:01.079
a matcha, like, Right.
626
00:28:01.180 --> 00:28:03.890
Whereas back in the day, I remember lots of my
627
00:28:03.910 --> 00:28:07.210
fitness content was like, macros is the best way to
628
00:28:07.230 --> 00:28:09.690
get your desired body. Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
629
00:28:09.990 --> 00:28:12.130
And it's like, I felt that so strongly at the time.
630
00:28:12.190 --> 00:28:14.829
And if you'd held a gun to my head and
631
00:28:14.869 --> 00:28:17.079
be like, do you genuinely believe this? I would have
632
00:28:17.099 --> 00:28:20.720
been like, yes, take me. But now I could not
633
00:28:20.759 --> 00:28:22.460
be further from that. And I could not be further
634
00:28:22.480 --> 00:28:24.559
from thinking that actually anything that messes up your head
635
00:28:24.660 --> 00:28:26.920
is worth it for your body, any of those things. 100%.
636
00:28:26.920 --> 00:28:29.420
But I think that's why it's so important as well,
637
00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:33.240
both for us to have these retrospective conversations, but also for...
638
00:28:33.849 --> 00:28:36.609
It's part of the platform's responsibility, but it's also part
639
00:28:36.670 --> 00:28:41.269
of our responsibility as people consuming content too. Of course,
640
00:28:41.390 --> 00:28:43.589
most of the responsibility falls on the creator, but you
641
00:28:43.630 --> 00:28:45.750
can't learn things before you learn things, and therefore the
642
00:28:45.789 --> 00:28:48.690
responsibility does... We all have to be taking things with
643
00:28:48.730 --> 00:28:51.470
a pinch of salt. I'm never as obsessed as I
644
00:28:51.579 --> 00:28:55.000
used to be with creators because I'm like... I also
645
00:28:55.039 --> 00:28:56.519
know that I'll like get into their content and then
646
00:28:56.559 --> 00:28:57.839
in a year I'll be like, that's not for me
647
00:28:57.900 --> 00:28:59.829
anymore because it's like take what you need when you
648
00:28:59.849 --> 00:29:02.349
need it and then like onto the next. I'd love
649
00:29:02.390 --> 00:29:05.069
to know at that time then, when did your career
650
00:29:05.130 --> 00:29:08.569
change from that point of kind of being mainly health
651
00:29:08.609 --> 00:29:10.710
and fitness? I know you were sharing your general life
652
00:29:10.769 --> 00:29:11.390
around that.
653
00:29:11.410 --> 00:29:14.289
To a vlogging life. Yeah, that kind of more. I
654
00:29:14.329 --> 00:29:18.869
think dating Kurt, dating an extrovert and someone who was
655
00:29:18.970 --> 00:29:22.279
so excited by YouTube and my career and just excited
656
00:29:22.299 --> 00:29:25.390
to hang out with me, that changed. opened me up
657
00:29:25.410 --> 00:29:28.400
a lot more to vlog my relationship and vlog what
658
00:29:28.420 --> 00:29:29.859
we were doing in the day and my sisters and
659
00:29:29.880 --> 00:29:33.400
my family. So I think that hurt really brought me
660
00:29:33.460 --> 00:29:35.309
to a new level of opening up my life.
661
00:29:35.690 --> 00:29:39.250
Were you ever worried because you'd been through a public
662
00:29:39.309 --> 00:29:41.900
breakup before were you ever worried that that would happen
663
00:29:41.940 --> 00:29:43.259
again no.
664
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:46.599
Because at that time I yeah maybe had 100k everyone
665
00:29:46.619 --> 00:29:50.539
was there for a genuine you know supportive reason so
666
00:29:50.640 --> 00:29:52.680
I knew that if something did happen with Kurt and
667
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:55.559
I and we broke up Everyone would be supportive and
668
00:29:55.579 --> 00:29:57.339
that's kind of my stance on a lot of things
669
00:29:57.420 --> 00:29:59.660
like even in terms of like when I got pregnant
670
00:29:59.759 --> 00:30:01.819
I told people really close to me because if something
671
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:04.339
happens I want support like I'm a person who yeah,
672
00:30:04.420 --> 00:30:07.259
I need to talk through things So I'd rather overshare
673
00:30:07.319 --> 00:30:09.660
so when something maybe goes wrong or doesn't go the
674
00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:12.089
right way I can kind of people will know why
675
00:30:12.119 --> 00:30:14.630
I'm upset or why I'm acting different So I'd rather
676
00:30:14.670 --> 00:30:15.430
be an open book.
677
00:30:15.609 --> 00:30:17.869
And were people always nice about the relationship online.
678
00:30:17.890 --> 00:30:22.029
I I mean, no. But I do this thing. You
679
00:30:22.390 --> 00:30:23.869
know when you can stare at something and literally kind
680
00:30:23.890 --> 00:30:25.650
of like blow your eyes a little bit? Yeah. I
681
00:30:25.670 --> 00:30:29.400
do that with comments. Right. Literally. So with comments, I
682
00:30:29.420 --> 00:30:33.549
feel like when I hit a million subscribers, the negativity–
683
00:30:34.130 --> 00:30:34.609
was exacerbated.
684
00:30:34.630 --> 00:30:37.529
Well, because also the algorithm reacts so that, because for
685
00:30:37.609 --> 00:30:40.690
each person who's interested, they're assuming another set of people
686
00:30:40.710 --> 00:30:41.390
who are interested.
687
00:30:41.710 --> 00:30:43.559
So it's exponential. Well, it's like, I hate getting on
688
00:30:43.579 --> 00:30:45.779
the trending page of YouTube because all the comments are like,
689
00:30:46.039 --> 00:30:48.400
why is this trending? Why is this on? I'm like,
690
00:30:48.420 --> 00:30:53.980
don't click it. It's called Newborn Essentials. Yeah. if you
691
00:30:54.009 --> 00:30:56.710
don't have a newborn, this is probably not essential for you. Like,
692
00:30:56.910 --> 00:30:59.529
I've always liked being open and honest and like sharing
693
00:30:59.549 --> 00:31:01.750
more because then I feel like people can connect with
694
00:31:01.789 --> 00:31:03.789
me better and understand if I'm in a bad mood. Yeah.
695
00:31:03.829 --> 00:31:05.650
And there's this really interesting thing I read, a person
696
00:31:05.670 --> 00:31:08.359
called Gia Tolentino, who's this amazing author, and she does
697
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:12.519
a lot of like writing on social media and kind of,
698
00:31:12.559 --> 00:31:13.900
it's really, really interesting.
699
00:31:14.259 --> 00:31:15.000
And I'd highly.
700
00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:16.720
Recommend for anyone who hasn't read her stuff.
701
00:31:16.589 --> 00:31:17.089
To read her stuff.
702
00:31:17.329 --> 00:31:20.369
But she talks about this interesting thing called context collapse.
703
00:31:20.730 --> 00:31:24.250
So if you talk to your mum about something, you're
704
00:31:24.269 --> 00:31:25.910
probably going to talk about it. Say if you're telling
705
00:31:26.210 --> 00:31:28.900
her a story about like you and Kurt, like you
706
00:31:28.980 --> 00:31:31.579
change the way you say things for each person to
707
00:31:31.619 --> 00:31:33.319
tailor it to the way that they receive it.
708
00:31:33.579 --> 00:31:34.839
We put things on the internet.
709
00:31:35.269 --> 00:31:38.130
And we expect it to have appropriate context collapse for
710
00:31:38.190 --> 00:31:41.509
each person who consumes it. And it's so interesting because
711
00:31:41.529 --> 00:31:43.950
you think of, okay, thinking of you having a million subscribers,
712
00:31:44.390 --> 00:31:46.289
you're trying to tell two people the same story and
713
00:31:46.309 --> 00:31:49.049
you're telling it differently between two people in your family.
714
00:31:49.109 --> 00:31:52.509
So likely to be pretty similar. Extrapolating that to a
715
00:31:52.650 --> 00:31:56.890
million people and expecting that to be seen in different cultures,
716
00:31:56.930 --> 00:32:01.869
different people, different ages, different lifestyles. in the appropriate way
717
00:32:01.910 --> 00:32:02.559
you intended it.
718
00:32:02.599 --> 00:32:05.799
It's like therapy. It's actually kind of unbelievable. This is
719
00:32:05.859 --> 00:32:09.519
therapeutic because now, do you know, like I went through
720
00:32:09.559 --> 00:32:13.339
a period specifically with my second pregnancy where I really
721
00:32:13.400 --> 00:32:16.920
drew back a little bit on YouTube because I couldn't
722
00:32:16.980 --> 00:32:19.829
please everyone. Yeah. And my half of my vlog was
723
00:32:19.869 --> 00:32:22.970
spent disclaiming. Hey guys, I know that I'm not a
724
00:32:22.990 --> 00:32:24.529
doctor and this and that. And I know people go,
725
00:32:25.170 --> 00:32:27.869
my whole video was a disclaimer and half of my
726
00:32:28.670 --> 00:32:31.269
subscribers were like, babe, you don't need to disclaim. We
727
00:32:31.289 --> 00:32:33.630
get it. We're here for you. And then the other
728
00:32:33.650 --> 00:32:36.109
half were like, you didn't say X, Y, Z. I'm like,
729
00:32:37.049 --> 00:32:39.410
that is what I need to hear. It's like, you cannot,
730
00:32:39.829 --> 00:32:40.869
you cannot make everyone.
731
00:32:40.890 --> 00:32:42.210
Take what you need, leave what you need as well.
732
00:32:42.289 --> 00:32:44.130
And we have to be able to do that. But
733
00:32:44.170 --> 00:32:47.240
it's also expected. We as creators need to know that
734
00:32:47.299 --> 00:32:49.559
it's unlikely that other people are going to do that
735
00:32:49.799 --> 00:32:52.259
when they're consuming it like of course but it does
736
00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:54.859
apply to when you're sharing your life any of those
737
00:32:54.880 --> 00:32:57.859
stories that you would tell personally yeah you actually cannot
738
00:32:58.200 --> 00:33:00.140
target it in the right way which I think is
739
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:02.140
really interesting and I also think you know how you
740
00:33:02.160 --> 00:33:05.339
say about disclaimers what's really interesting since I've stopped creating
741
00:33:05.380 --> 00:33:07.779
content other really than the podcast.
742
00:33:07.299 --> 00:33:09.759
Yeah I miss your vlogs when you would make mushrooms
743
00:33:09.799 --> 00:33:10.720
all the time oh my god.
744
00:33:10.599 --> 00:33:13.279
Yeah I had so many this morning but like because
745
00:33:13.319 --> 00:33:16.660
I'm not actively creating as much content I have lost
746
00:33:16.720 --> 00:33:18.819
a lot of that ability to disclaim that I used
747
00:33:18.859 --> 00:33:22.039
to have, because I talk to people, like the main
748
00:33:22.079 --> 00:33:23.869
way I tell stories or any of these things is
749
00:33:23.920 --> 00:33:26.549
no longer telling stories to a camera, it's the kind
750
00:33:26.589 --> 00:33:28.809
of relationships I have with people online. I used to
751
00:33:28.849 --> 00:33:30.609
be so good at that, and now I kind of
752
00:33:30.650 --> 00:33:31.809
assume people are gonna do it.
753
00:33:31.849 --> 00:33:32.930
And it's something- Now you need me to come on
754
00:33:32.950 --> 00:33:33.480
and disclaim for you.
755
00:33:33.490 --> 00:33:34.450
Yeah, I need you to come on and do my
756
00:33:34.490 --> 00:33:36.670
little disclaimers for me, but it's so interesting, because actually
757
00:33:36.690 --> 00:33:38.549
when you spend a lot of time in that content
758
00:33:38.589 --> 00:33:42.170
creation world, It seems completely impossible not to create a
759
00:33:42.190 --> 00:33:44.700
single piece of content without being like, oh, no, can't say.
760
00:33:44.640 --> 00:33:45.980
This this way. That's why I need to take breaks
761
00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:49.920
because then you end up making content to appease people.
762
00:33:50.059 --> 00:33:51.960
And then you reflect and you go, I don't even
763
00:33:52.009 --> 00:33:54.369
like this. What am I doing? So it's like you
764
00:33:54.390 --> 00:33:57.849
get caught in this rat race. And I'm currently kind of.
765
00:33:58.809 --> 00:34:00.480
we should have done this interview in a week's time,
766
00:34:00.519 --> 00:34:04.339
like in new years, because before the start of every year,
767
00:34:04.380 --> 00:34:06.559
like everyone, you sit down, you do your goals. This
768
00:34:06.619 --> 00:34:08.469
is going to be a very pivotal year for me,
769
00:34:08.510 --> 00:34:10.090
like 2023 will be very pivotal. And it's kind of,
770
00:34:13.369 --> 00:34:15.110
I'm in that spot now where I'm kind of taking
771
00:34:15.150 --> 00:34:17.449
a step back, looking at my content, thinking, am I
772
00:34:17.469 --> 00:34:20.269
doing this because I'm disclaiming and appeasing people or it's
773
00:34:20.309 --> 00:34:23.179
because it's what I want to be putting out there? Yeah,
774
00:34:23.219 --> 00:34:24.920
I completely, completely understand that.
775
00:34:25.460 --> 00:34:28.300
And I'd like to know when you look back, is
776
00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:29.739
there anything that stands out.
777
00:34:29.639 --> 00:34:32.260
To you as something that you would have done differently? No,
778
00:34:32.719 --> 00:34:34.980
because I feel like if you're a person and you
779
00:34:35.079 --> 00:34:37.719
love where you are and you feel so, I hate
780
00:34:37.760 --> 00:34:40.440
the word blessed, but you know, hashtag blessed. I am
781
00:34:40.920 --> 00:34:43.909
so content in my life right now with my family,
782
00:34:43.969 --> 00:34:46.800
with my job and everything. I get scared if I say, oh,
783
00:34:46.809 --> 00:34:48.489
I would have changed this. Would I be here now?
784
00:34:48.510 --> 00:34:50.730
I love everything about my life right now. I was
785
00:34:50.750 --> 00:34:52.219
saying to my mom the other day, I'm living the
786
00:34:52.260 --> 00:34:54.179
best years of my life as a mom, as a
787
00:34:54.219 --> 00:34:59.300
business owner. I'm so content. So I'm like, yeah, do
788
00:34:59.320 --> 00:35:01.239
I wish I could kind of go back and not
789
00:35:02.030 --> 00:35:04.690
you know, maybe have that toxic reaction with people. Do
790
00:35:04.730 --> 00:35:06.449
I wish I didn't do if it fits in macros?
791
00:35:06.699 --> 00:35:10.000
Do I wish I didn't do as many ab selfies? Yes, actually.
792
00:35:11.800 --> 00:35:13.659
I wish I didn't do this as much to the
793
00:35:13.679 --> 00:35:16.519
camera and like shred my abs and take as many
794
00:35:16.679 --> 00:35:21.340
ab photos because I don't think that's, positive and I
795
00:35:21.380 --> 00:35:23.380
don't think any audience is going to leave that feeling
796
00:35:23.420 --> 00:35:25.880
empowered yeah everyone sees that and I mean it might
797
00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:28.219
be saved my motivation for yeah so it's like that
798
00:35:28.420 --> 00:35:31.519
but for me personally if it's about me no because
799
00:35:31.579 --> 00:35:33.659
it helped me learn and evolve and I'm not that
800
00:35:33.699 --> 00:35:36.190
person anymore but in terms of my audience yeah I
801
00:35:36.250 --> 00:35:36.489
wish I.
802
00:35:36.469 --> 00:35:39.289
Didn't do that to them yeah and I think contextually
803
00:35:39.849 --> 00:35:41.750
like you need to look at the whole industry and
804
00:35:41.789 --> 00:35:44.400
everything contextually when looking at like If you look at
805
00:35:44.460 --> 00:35:46.699
my content back in the day, if you put it
806
00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:48.099
into today's context, you'd be.
807
00:35:48.079 --> 00:35:49.639
Like, who the hell is this girl?
808
00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:52.630
But it's also like, considering we're all in the same
809
00:35:52.690 --> 00:35:54.969
fitness industry at the same time, learning the same things.
810
00:35:55.030 --> 00:35:57.010
We all went through that journey. I was a double A,
811
00:35:57.090 --> 00:36:00.170
holding up my double A's. Like, what was I doing?
812
00:36:00.250 --> 00:36:01.809
I remember I met Kurt and I was like, he
813
00:36:01.829 --> 00:36:03.050
was like, babe, you don't need to do that. And
814
00:36:03.070 --> 00:36:06.340
I was like, I'm not even holding up anything. I
815
00:36:06.360 --> 00:36:07.440
think it's really, really interesting.
816
00:36:07.460 --> 00:36:10.130
And I think it's important to be able to especially
817
00:36:10.170 --> 00:36:13.050
because it feels like such a defence mechanism just not
818
00:36:13.070 --> 00:36:15.010
to talk about it. And just to be like, no,
819
00:36:15.070 --> 00:36:16.389
do you know what? I'm not going to talk about
820
00:36:16.429 --> 00:36:18.769
like my, you know, like the part, I'm sorry, okay.
821
00:36:18.989 --> 00:36:21.079
But like, I do think it is really important because
822
00:36:21.119 --> 00:36:23.119
I think that it keeps the conversation open. And I
823
00:36:23.159 --> 00:36:26.780
think it, you know, with anything super public, your mistakes
824
00:36:26.820 --> 00:36:28.639
are going to be made publicly. And as you say,
825
00:36:28.659 --> 00:36:31.360
your mistakes shaped your career and your person now.
826
00:36:31.619 --> 00:36:34.619
And I still will get comments saying, you know, back
827
00:36:34.679 --> 00:36:37.159
in 2017, you said this. I'm like, let's sit down
828
00:36:37.179 --> 00:36:40.099
and talk about it because yeah, I'm not that girl anymore.
829
00:36:40.539 --> 00:36:43.489
And I don't think like that anymore. And growth is important.
830
00:36:44.170 --> 00:36:46.170
And I think the best way we can normalize that
831
00:36:46.230 --> 00:36:48.590
is by actually talking about it, which I think it's
832
00:36:48.610 --> 00:36:50.289
so good. I think it's so good that you do that.
833
00:36:50.670 --> 00:36:53.530
I'd like to talk about motherhood because you've been so
834
00:36:53.670 --> 00:36:56.159
open about your journey online.
835
00:36:56.900 --> 00:37:00.019
Can we go back to when you first found out
836
00:37:00.139 --> 00:37:00.980
that you were pregnant?
837
00:37:01.320 --> 00:37:04.800
Yeah. And what that was like, how you shared that online,
838
00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:07.039
what the whole process was like.
839
00:37:07.219 --> 00:37:10.599
I've always been so excited to be a mother. I
840
00:37:10.900 --> 00:37:12.920
remember you always used to say that in your content.
841
00:37:13.099 --> 00:37:15.639
Even in primary school, we went around and people were like,
842
00:37:15.659 --> 00:37:16.900
I'm going to be a doctor. I'm going to be
843
00:37:16.920 --> 00:37:18.159
a teacher. I was like, I'm going to be a mum.
844
00:37:18.599 --> 00:37:20.480
I'm going to be the best mum. I remember saying that.
845
00:37:20.500 --> 00:37:22.860
My teacher was like, shut up. So before I got pregnant,
846
00:37:23.219 --> 00:37:25.699
Kurt and I were living together and I got told,
847
00:37:26.360 --> 00:37:31.210
I had PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. My blood work showed something,
848
00:37:31.250 --> 00:37:32.889
but then my symptoms showed something different. They were like,
849
00:37:32.909 --> 00:37:35.570
you have PCOS, but it's weird. But basically, you're not
850
00:37:35.590 --> 00:37:37.369
going to get pregnant by yourself whenever you want that.
851
00:37:37.449 --> 00:37:40.050
And I was distraught and really upset. I wasn't trying
852
00:37:40.070 --> 00:37:42.170
for a baby at all. I didn't want to have
853
00:37:42.210 --> 00:37:43.829
a baby then. I think I was like 24 when
854
00:37:43.849 --> 00:37:46.150
I got told that. And I wanted to be married.
855
00:37:46.190 --> 00:37:48.090
And Kurt and I were still dating. It was still fresh.
856
00:37:48.590 --> 00:37:50.469
So I was like, that's really upsetting. And they said,
857
00:37:50.510 --> 00:37:52.940
it's fine. You can do IVF. You'll be fine. And
858
00:37:53.320 --> 00:37:55.579
that was eating me up inside. I was like, no,
859
00:37:55.599 --> 00:37:58.420
like this isn't supposed to happen. Yeah. So anyway, I
860
00:37:58.659 --> 00:37:59.920
just thought, well, I can't get pregnant.
861
00:37:59.980 --> 00:38:00.199
Right.
862
00:38:00.219 --> 00:38:02.800
So like YOLO, you know, I don't care. And I
863
00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:05.199
wasn't on the pill for ages because of my acne
864
00:38:05.219 --> 00:38:06.940
and all that kind of stuff. So I didn't have
865
00:38:07.019 --> 00:38:11.710
any kind of birth control. And one day I, my
866
00:38:11.769 --> 00:38:14.869
period was overdue and, and I was smelling all these
867
00:38:14.909 --> 00:38:17.010
weird things. My boobs were really sore. And Kurt was like,
868
00:38:17.030 --> 00:38:18.389
why don't you take a pregnancy test? I was like,
869
00:38:18.489 --> 00:38:20.889
I can't like that. How far were you guys into dating?
870
00:38:22.550 --> 00:38:27.110
maybe two years, maybe. And have you spoken about children? Yeah.
871
00:38:27.170 --> 00:38:30.150
So like first date, Kurt went back to his roommate
872
00:38:30.210 --> 00:38:32.070
and said, I'm going to marry that girl. And I
873
00:38:32.090 --> 00:38:34.340
was like, this guy's an F boy. So I literally
874
00:38:34.380 --> 00:38:35.900
was like, I don't know if I'm going to get
875
00:38:35.940 --> 00:38:38.449
a second date. And then our second date, he said
876
00:38:38.469 --> 00:38:39.750
he loved me. Like, he's like.
877
00:38:39.769 --> 00:38:40.289
Oh, my God.
878
00:38:40.349 --> 00:38:41.949
Yeah, and I thought that was just him. But, like,
879
00:38:42.050 --> 00:38:43.610
he is a lover, but he was like, no, I
880
00:38:43.630 --> 00:38:45.130
just knew. Like, I just knew you were my wife
881
00:38:45.170 --> 00:38:47.730
kind of thing. I'm so avoidant, I'd run for the hills. Yeah, well,
882
00:38:47.809 --> 00:38:50.570
I did. I did. We went through a phase maybe, like,
883
00:38:50.730 --> 00:38:52.349
four months into dating that I tried to break up
884
00:38:52.369 --> 00:38:54.510
with him and he was like, this is... Like, we're
885
00:38:54.530 --> 00:38:57.489
going to get married. And I was like, you're freaking crazy, bro.
886
00:38:57.510 --> 00:38:58.510
Why did you want to break up with him at
887
00:38:58.530 --> 00:39:01.139
that time? Because he was, like, so lovely. I think
888
00:39:01.199 --> 00:39:05.340
I was self-sabotaging. I was like... why are you so nice?
889
00:39:05.400 --> 00:39:08.360
Like something's wrong. He was so nice. And I was like,
890
00:39:08.719 --> 00:39:10.070
and I kind of liked a bad boy and he
891
00:39:10.090 --> 00:39:11.260
had a bit of a bad boy in him, but
892
00:39:11.659 --> 00:39:13.769
I brought out the really nice side of him. We
893
00:39:13.809 --> 00:39:16.110
were together for two years and I, I took a
894
00:39:16.130 --> 00:39:22.969
pregnancy test and I remember seeing it positive, being so confused. Like,
895
00:39:23.449 --> 00:39:26.230
first of all, how the heck is this positive? I
896
00:39:26.250 --> 00:39:28.710
got tired. I could never get pregnant naturally. Number two,
897
00:39:29.150 --> 00:39:30.409
this was the phase. And I'm still kind of in
898
00:39:30.449 --> 00:39:33.070
this phase. I love watching people's pregnancy announcements. And I
899
00:39:33.090 --> 00:39:35.929
would always think when I'm married, when I'm 30, what
900
00:39:35.969 --> 00:39:36.949
am I going to do? What am I going to
901
00:39:36.969 --> 00:39:39.000
film for it? I remember sitting on the toilet thinking,
902
00:39:39.400 --> 00:39:41.760
this is my pregnancy. Should I go get my vlogging camera?
903
00:39:42.719 --> 00:39:44.579
And I was like in this daze and I got
904
00:39:44.599 --> 00:39:46.960
my vlogging camera and I sat and I started crying.
905
00:39:47.340 --> 00:39:50.690
And I remember even looking at my camera, thinking this
906
00:39:50.769 --> 00:39:53.210
is so surreal. I went out, I bought a onesie
907
00:39:53.269 --> 00:39:55.989
to like surprise Kurt. And I was like, I'm making
908
00:39:56.030 --> 00:39:59.489
a pregnancy announcement vlog. Like, it's like, I guess you're
909
00:39:59.510 --> 00:40:02.409
sitting now thinking, imagine tomorrow you're doing like a wedding
910
00:40:02.449 --> 00:40:05.179
vlog or something. It's like surreal, you know? Like I was,
911
00:40:05.820 --> 00:40:09.079
it was crazy. Then that year, I think that was what,
912
00:40:09.099 --> 00:40:12.800
like 2018? That year I had all of these opportunities.
913
00:40:12.880 --> 00:40:15.500
I was going to go to New Zealand, America. I
914
00:40:15.500 --> 00:40:17.619
had everything booked and I was like, I'm not in
915
00:40:17.659 --> 00:40:20.199
a mummy mode. I'm in business mode. I'm like done.
916
00:40:21.030 --> 00:40:22.590
Kurt and I talked about it. We said, you know,
917
00:40:22.690 --> 00:40:24.550
if we get married, we'll have kids one day, whatever.
918
00:40:24.869 --> 00:40:27.710
Let's like dominate. Yeah. The next week, boom.
919
00:40:28.170 --> 00:40:30.130
Well, I think it's really interesting too because I don't
920
00:40:30.150 --> 00:40:33.289
know about you and I think obviously everyone's kind of
921
00:40:33.349 --> 00:40:36.639
experience is very individual. But I always was really, really,
922
00:40:36.679 --> 00:40:38.960
really obsessed with the idea of having a family. And
923
00:40:38.980 --> 00:40:41.110
then actually over the past few years, while I still
924
00:40:41.130 --> 00:40:43.590
definitely do want a family and hope that one day
925
00:40:43.610 --> 00:40:46.269
I'll be able to have one, I also, the last
926
00:40:46.289 --> 00:40:48.210
few years has been the first time I've even critically
927
00:40:48.250 --> 00:40:53.150
thought about like, actually, like, do I definitely want children?
928
00:40:53.170 --> 00:40:55.710
Or have I assumed that because I'm a woman and
929
00:40:55.750 --> 00:40:57.570
we're told growing up that like, you know, when are
930
00:40:57.590 --> 00:40:58.920
you going to have babies and when are you going
931
00:40:58.940 --> 00:41:00.019
to get married and all of these things?
932
00:41:00.039 --> 00:41:02.079
And then kind of been like, oh, I think I
933
00:41:02.119 --> 00:41:02.800
do still want that.
934
00:41:02.820 --> 00:41:06.820
But actually assuming like, actually, like every penny I make
935
00:41:06.880 --> 00:41:09.550
could go to me, I could move to Costa Rica
936
00:41:09.730 --> 00:41:11.550
for a year. I could go and do this, I
937
00:41:11.570 --> 00:41:13.550
could go and do this. There would be no, like
938
00:41:13.570 --> 00:41:16.230
I could be entirely selfish, like all of these different things.
939
00:41:16.489 --> 00:41:18.110
And I think only in the past few years I've
940
00:41:18.150 --> 00:41:20.440
kind of even critically thought. And so I can imagine
941
00:41:20.480 --> 00:41:22.679
at that time when your career suddenly takes a completely
942
00:41:22.739 --> 00:41:25.920
different shape, I can imagine it would have been really like.
943
00:41:25.960 --> 00:41:27.099
And it was a lot to do with my body
944
00:41:27.139 --> 00:41:29.139
as well. Like a lot of the opportunities were me
945
00:41:29.179 --> 00:41:32.440
being a certain size, having a physique. Of course. This
946
00:41:32.500 --> 00:41:35.099
is why I believe everything happens for a reason. And
947
00:41:35.119 --> 00:41:39.119
I think maybe if I hadn't got pregnant then by accident,
948
00:41:39.380 --> 00:41:41.400
maybe I would have never had kids because I would
949
00:41:41.420 --> 00:41:44.820
have really been obsessed with this whirlwind of business and success.
950
00:41:45.159 --> 00:41:48.110
And now being a mum with two boys, I know
951
00:41:48.190 --> 00:41:51.429
for myself that is my happiest, that is my purpose.
952
00:41:51.849 --> 00:41:53.809
I love business as well and I love my content
953
00:41:53.849 --> 00:41:57.110
and I love my brand. But I feel like if
954
00:41:57.190 --> 00:42:00.010
Fox hadn't happened at the time he happened, I don't
955
00:42:00.030 --> 00:42:01.250
know where I would have been. So I'm like, I
956
00:42:01.269 --> 00:42:02.989
feel like God did that to be like, you do
957
00:42:03.030 --> 00:42:04.949
want this. I'm telling you, like, I'm going to slip
958
00:42:04.989 --> 00:42:06.780
it in. You're going to make it work.
959
00:42:06.820 --> 00:42:07.449
Yeah, surprise.
960
00:42:07.489 --> 00:42:10.880
Happy birthday. We call him our love baby. But I'm
961
00:42:11.179 --> 00:42:13.619
so grateful that he was a love baby because I
962
00:42:13.639 --> 00:42:15.699
don't know. I don't know what my plan would have
963
00:42:15.719 --> 00:42:17.619
been because now I don't really have, I'm like a
964
00:42:17.780 --> 00:42:19.500
go with the flow kind of person. And did you
965
00:42:19.539 --> 00:42:22.920
know that Kurt would be happy when you told him? Yes.
966
00:42:22.940 --> 00:42:25.219
What if you'd filmed and he'd be like, so what
967
00:42:25.239 --> 00:42:27.840
are we going to do, honey? He was like, he was,
968
00:42:28.519 --> 00:42:31.219
born to be a dad and and the vlog prior
969
00:42:31.440 --> 00:42:33.059
we had been like imagine when we have kids and
970
00:42:33.079 --> 00:42:35.639
we go snowboarding as a family like he was so
971
00:42:35.699 --> 00:42:38.170
excited so I knew he wouldn't believe me because I
972
00:42:38.210 --> 00:42:40.309
got told I couldn't have kids yeah but I was
973
00:42:40.429 --> 00:42:41.489
never scared.
974
00:42:41.269 --> 00:42:43.469
About that am I right in thinking from my super
975
00:42:43.489 --> 00:42:47.409
fan status that you also had HPV at some point
976
00:42:47.530 --> 00:42:49.780
or potential yes potential.
977
00:42:49.280 --> 00:42:50.820
Yes I actually need to go to the gyno about
978
00:42:50.860 --> 00:42:53.500
that yes so I had SYN3 which is cervical dysplasia
979
00:42:53.739 --> 00:42:56.769
stage three which is the most severe stage of that
980
00:42:56.829 --> 00:43:00.579
kind of category. Again, I'm not a gynecologist. But yeah,
981
00:43:00.599 --> 00:43:03.000
so I had SYN3. That was a really tough time
982
00:43:03.039 --> 00:43:07.099
because the next kind of progression of that can be
983
00:43:07.900 --> 00:43:11.860
cervical cancer. So they recommended I get a leap procedure,
984
00:43:11.889 --> 00:43:13.820
which is basically like a laser, I'm pretty sure, that
985
00:43:13.860 --> 00:43:15.590
they cut a little bit or they burn a little
986
00:43:15.610 --> 00:43:17.530
bit of your cervix off. And was this before you had?
987
00:43:17.670 --> 00:43:21.750
This was before FOX. So this was a few months before.
988
00:43:22.250 --> 00:43:26.429
And the risks of a leap procedure potentially changes or
989
00:43:26.469 --> 00:43:29.889
difficulties with your pregnancy or with giving birth because your
990
00:43:29.929 --> 00:43:32.429
cervix is the thing that dilates and opens and holds
991
00:43:32.469 --> 00:43:35.670
up your baby in your uterus. With the, I guess,
992
00:43:35.769 --> 00:43:38.070
approval from my gynecologist, I said, can you give me
993
00:43:38.489 --> 00:43:40.469
a certain amount of time to try to see if
994
00:43:40.510 --> 00:43:43.070
my body will regress it or I don't want to
995
00:43:43.090 --> 00:43:45.500
say heal it naturally, but your body can regress. It
996
00:43:45.539 --> 00:43:48.159
can go back. Um, and he said, yeah, I'll give you,
997
00:43:48.199 --> 00:43:49.699
I think he gave me like three months or something.
998
00:43:50.420 --> 00:43:52.320
I did all the research I could. I went to
999
00:43:52.800 --> 00:43:56.260
every naturopath, every herbalist. I lived my life to try
1000
00:43:56.340 --> 00:43:59.480
to fill my body with things that would encourage a
1001
00:43:59.599 --> 00:44:02.239
sin three regression. So when I went back, I was
1002
00:44:02.380 --> 00:44:07.480
possible low grade. So like maybe some cells but not
1003
00:44:07.539 --> 00:44:08.400
high grade so.
1004
00:44:08.420 --> 00:44:10.880
And how did you feel about sharing that online because
1005
00:44:10.940 --> 00:44:13.389
I know that's quite controversial to essentially be saying you're
1006
00:44:13.409 --> 00:44:16.110
going for a more holistic approach rather than going for
1007
00:44:16.130 --> 00:44:17.489
traditional medicine.
1008
00:44:17.170 --> 00:44:19.190
Yeah well there's like a chapter written about me in
1009
00:44:19.230 --> 00:44:22.179
this medical book saying I'm giving bad medical advice and
1010
00:44:22.219 --> 00:44:24.219
I'm like this is where disclaimers are important you know
1011
00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:26.860
I am not a doctor I'm not a gynecologist I
1012
00:44:26.900 --> 00:44:29.039
don't want to sit here and say I'm I healed
1013
00:44:29.119 --> 00:44:32.590
my cervical dysplasia because yeah, who knows if I didn't
1014
00:44:32.659 --> 00:44:35.449
do the protocol I did, maybe my body would have
1015
00:44:35.489 --> 00:44:37.949
naturally regressed because it does happen with women. So I
1016
00:44:37.989 --> 00:44:39.550
don't know. But I guess as.
1017
00:44:39.510 --> 00:44:42.329
A side effect of you happening to show your life online,
1018
00:44:42.409 --> 00:44:42.909
I guess.
1019
00:44:42.710 --> 00:44:44.989
It does share that. But my thing was when I
1020
00:44:45.070 --> 00:44:49.809
found out I had cervical dysplasia, I was consuming any
1021
00:44:49.889 --> 00:44:51.929
content I could. I went to the library. I was
1022
00:44:51.969 --> 00:44:54.909
buying books about it. I was watching vlogs with women
1023
00:44:54.929 --> 00:44:58.840
who had it, maybe recovery stories, people who had healed it, regressed,
1024
00:44:58.900 --> 00:45:01.239
who had got the leap procedure, women who had regretted
1025
00:45:01.280 --> 00:45:04.909
getting the leap procedure. I'm just... you know, at that point,
1026
00:45:04.949 --> 00:45:08.480
what a 24 year old girl doing 25, maybe doing
1027
00:45:08.539 --> 00:45:10.820
my best, not knowing what to do. And then when
1028
00:45:10.880 --> 00:45:13.420
I got that amazing news that it had regressed to
1029
00:45:13.460 --> 00:45:15.820
a possible low grade, not even low grades in one,
1030
00:45:15.840 --> 00:45:18.710
it was possible low grade. Once you have HPV, you
1031
00:45:18.750 --> 00:45:21.030
have it and it can, it kind of stays dormant
1032
00:45:21.050 --> 00:45:23.010
in your body and can, you know, ebb and flow.
1033
00:45:23.809 --> 00:45:26.159
But I was like, I would be doing a disservice.
1034
00:45:26.389 --> 00:45:29.170
I felt to my audience, like, to people who maybe
1035
00:45:29.230 --> 00:45:30.989
wanted to go down that route, you know? And I
1036
00:45:31.050 --> 00:45:33.949
tried my hardest to do the disclaimer and say, if
1037
00:45:33.989 --> 00:45:36.389
your gynecologist recommends a late procedure and says you need
1038
00:45:36.429 --> 00:45:39.389
to do this, this is dangerous, go and do it,
1039
00:45:39.429 --> 00:45:41.030
go and do it. But my gynecologist was like, yeah,
1040
00:45:41.050 --> 00:45:43.090
three months, give it a go. If you come back
1041
00:45:43.130 --> 00:45:44.449
and it's still high grade, let's do it. And I
1042
00:45:44.449 --> 00:45:47.090
was like, great. So it's kind of like what you said,
1043
00:45:47.510 --> 00:45:50.389
the vlog or the video and that information was for
1044
00:45:50.449 --> 00:45:54.000
a very specific consumer. And when it's given to other
1045
00:45:54.019 --> 00:45:56.219
people who maybe should go and get a leap procedure,
1046
00:45:56.760 --> 00:45:59.159
that's where it gets dangerous. I don't regret it at all.
1047
00:45:59.280 --> 00:46:02.969
I disclaimed what I could, but it is awkward territory
1048
00:46:03.010 --> 00:46:06.769
that I still hate talking about like medical things. And
1049
00:46:06.809 --> 00:46:08.329
as long as I know I'm coming from the right
1050
00:46:08.369 --> 00:46:11.750
place and I'm not telling people to boycott the medical system,
1051
00:46:11.789 --> 00:46:15.960
I'm not, no, I'm like, listen to your doctor. My
1052
00:46:16.000 --> 00:46:18.800
gynecologist said, yeah, go and do thing. Give it a go.
1053
00:46:18.820 --> 00:46:21.079
I don't have great hopes for you, but like, okay.
1054
00:46:22.159 --> 00:46:23.699
And it worked. Now I still haven't had my leaps.
1055
00:46:23.820 --> 00:46:25.239
So did you always know that you were going to
1056
00:46:25.260 --> 00:46:26.199
share your pregnancy online?
1057
00:46:26.940 --> 00:46:27.800
Yeah. Yeah.
1058
00:46:28.059 --> 00:46:30.619
And when you started sharing it, how was people's response?
1059
00:46:30.639 --> 00:46:32.699
I can imagine really excited at the beginning and then
1060
00:46:32.719 --> 00:46:34.280
I can imagine a lot of advice coming in.
1061
00:46:34.909 --> 00:46:38.449
Oh my gosh. Even now the mummy advice. It's like,
1062
00:46:38.949 --> 00:46:42.929
I don't know. I just try to think from, if
1063
00:46:42.969 --> 00:46:44.750
I get a comment saying you shouldn't be putting a
1064
00:46:44.769 --> 00:46:47.360
baby down like that, like let them sleep X, Y,
1065
00:46:47.369 --> 00:46:49.610
and Z. I just try to give everyone the benefit
1066
00:46:49.639 --> 00:46:52.280
of the doubt and play devil's advocate and think they're
1067
00:46:52.320 --> 00:46:54.340
just a loving mother trying to help me. It does
1068
00:46:54.380 --> 00:46:57.260
get a little frustrating, but I'm like, I think most
1069
00:46:57.280 --> 00:47:02.199
of those mummy advice, I have friends who their focus
1070
00:47:02.380 --> 00:47:04.579
and their purpose in life is motherhood. So when they
1071
00:47:04.599 --> 00:47:06.539
give advice, that's how they show their love. So I
1072
00:47:06.579 --> 00:47:08.820
kind of just think like that. But I didn't really
1073
00:47:08.860 --> 00:47:10.800
get a lot of backlash with my pregnancy because I
1074
00:47:10.880 --> 00:47:15.659
wasn't very... I don't want to say passionate about one
1075
00:47:15.699 --> 00:47:18.360
way or the other. I was just pretty like, I'm like,
1076
00:47:18.400 --> 00:47:21.079
I'm eating healthy and working out. I'm not like hardcore
1077
00:47:21.099 --> 00:47:23.239
this way or hardcore that way. I wasn't giving advice.
1078
00:47:23.280 --> 00:47:25.519
I'm just like, I'm doing my best. I'm still eating
1079
00:47:25.539 --> 00:47:28.940
chicken nuggets and like Easy Mac. I found it a really,
1080
00:47:28.960 --> 00:47:32.400
really nice time to vlog because I had the pressure
1081
00:47:32.659 --> 00:47:36.050
off myself to look a certain way and pregnancy. That's
1082
00:47:36.070 --> 00:47:38.010
so interesting. Yeah, it was my favorite.
1083
00:47:38.030 --> 00:47:41.530
But it's like, as a fitness influencer, felt that you
1084
00:47:41.570 --> 00:47:44.489
were having a break while pregnant from looking a certain
1085
00:47:44.510 --> 00:47:46.380
way I think that says a lot.
1086
00:47:46.280 --> 00:47:48.079
And even eating a certain way like I feel like
1087
00:47:48.139 --> 00:47:51.500
before I was pregnant I felt that personal pressure to
1088
00:47:51.880 --> 00:47:54.719
to always be super healthy and I wanted to be
1089
00:47:54.900 --> 00:47:57.219
definitely but it got to the point where I was
1090
00:47:57.389 --> 00:48:00.610
too obsessed with being super healthy and getting scared of
1091
00:48:00.650 --> 00:48:03.329
getting a comment saying you know chia seeds are carcinogenic
1092
00:48:03.389 --> 00:48:05.250
or something you know I was like so careful that
1093
00:48:05.309 --> 00:48:08.380
everything I ate was like health approved So when I
1094
00:48:08.380 --> 00:48:09.710
was pregnant, I was like, no one can hate me.
1095
00:48:09.739 --> 00:48:12.860
I'm pregnant. If I'm craving Skittles for dinner, I'm craving Skittles.
1096
00:48:13.409 --> 00:48:16.110
And that was such a pivotal point for me and
1097
00:48:16.150 --> 00:48:19.389
my brand and me as a person, because my first
1098
00:48:19.429 --> 00:48:22.429
pregnancy was a snowball effect of how I live my
1099
00:48:22.469 --> 00:48:27.179
life now. Moderation of everything, not hardcore health, not hardcore,
1100
00:48:27.820 --> 00:48:29.739
sometimes food as we call them in our house. Like
1101
00:48:30.710 --> 00:48:33.349
it reset my digestive system. I was able to eat
1102
00:48:33.449 --> 00:48:36.619
gluten again and dairy again and it reset my hormones
1103
00:48:36.679 --> 00:48:39.679
and it just, pregnancy was the best thing that could
1104
00:48:39.699 --> 00:48:42.960
have happened to my sense of self and my body.
1105
00:48:43.179 --> 00:48:46.730
Yeah, no, completely understandable. And how was your first kind
1106
00:48:46.750 --> 00:48:48.110
of foray into motherhood then?
1107
00:48:48.710 --> 00:48:51.980
I remember sitting down thinking like, is Fox a tough
1108
00:48:52.019 --> 00:48:55.219
baby or is motherhood just tough? Fox is just a
1109
00:48:55.239 --> 00:48:58.920
tough baby. I'm so glad that Fox, he had reflux.
1110
00:48:59.010 --> 00:49:02.250
He was never happy. He was always crying. And I
1111
00:49:03.349 --> 00:49:07.090
loved it. But I remember thinking, how the heck am
1112
00:49:07.230 --> 00:49:11.369
I going to maintain my channel, maintain my businesses and
1113
00:49:11.690 --> 00:49:14.429
take time away from him? And the mum guilt of
1114
00:49:14.489 --> 00:49:17.670
your first child is like nothing I could have ever experienced.
1115
00:49:18.150 --> 00:49:19.849
I couldn't even go to the gym. I would go
1116
00:49:19.889 --> 00:49:22.679
to the gym and start crying because I felt so guilty.
1117
00:49:22.699 --> 00:49:26.409
And I think a lot of that is because Growing up,
1118
00:49:26.570 --> 00:49:29.469
my mom's whole purpose was just motherhood. That is it.
1119
00:49:29.670 --> 00:49:32.469
We went everywhere with her, which was amazing. But I
1120
00:49:32.530 --> 00:49:35.199
put her on this pedestal of like, Fox needs to
1121
00:49:35.280 --> 00:49:37.920
be with me all the time. I can't have any
1122
00:49:37.980 --> 00:49:42.099
time out because this is the season of selflessness. And
1123
00:49:42.139 --> 00:49:43.500
now I look back, I'm like, I love that for
1124
00:49:43.519 --> 00:49:46.599
my mom. But for me as an individual, I'm my
1125
00:49:46.659 --> 00:49:49.400
best self and I'm the best mother ever. when I
1126
00:49:49.440 --> 00:49:51.139
have 45 minutes to go to Pilates. So now I
1127
00:49:51.179 --> 00:49:51.860
don't feel guilty.
1128
00:49:52.139 --> 00:49:54.909
Well, it's so interesting because I know as well that
1129
00:49:54.929 --> 00:49:58.110
there's no way I'll be a good mother if I'm
1130
00:49:58.150 --> 00:49:58.889
not working.
1131
00:49:59.090 --> 00:50:00.179
I don't think personally.
1132
00:50:00.239 --> 00:50:02.239
And having grown up with a working mom who was,
1133
00:50:02.659 --> 00:50:05.519
I would not say anything like that at all, like
1134
00:50:05.639 --> 00:50:08.599
she's amazing in so many ways, but it definitely wasn't the,
1135
00:50:08.880 --> 00:50:10.260
you know, being with all the time, all of this,
1136
00:50:10.280 --> 00:50:12.539
like a lot of my childhood was punctuated.
1137
00:50:12.139 --> 00:50:14.940
By like, and I turned out great. See, I'm navigating
1138
00:50:14.960 --> 00:50:16.880
this for the first time because my mum went back
1139
00:50:16.920 --> 00:50:21.010
to work when we were like, I don't know, like 12,
1140
00:50:21.010 --> 00:50:22.650
you know, and she only went back two days a
1141
00:50:22.659 --> 00:50:23.909
week and she was like, nah, I just want to
1142
00:50:23.929 --> 00:50:25.469
be at home with you guys, which was amazing. Like
1143
00:50:25.489 --> 00:50:28.550
I had the best childhood. So I'm trying to replicate
1144
00:50:28.570 --> 00:50:31.550
that and give my boys the best childhood while also
1145
00:50:31.690 --> 00:50:36.420
honouring my passions and my my skills you know I
1146
00:50:36.579 --> 00:50:40.090
was born to be this hybrid of a businesswoman but
1147
00:50:40.210 --> 00:50:41.690
also a really hands-on mum.
1148
00:50:41.650 --> 00:50:44.010
Yeah you know yeah that's so interesting as well because
1149
00:50:44.030 --> 00:50:45.730
it's obviously such a privilege to be in a position
1150
00:50:45.750 --> 00:50:47.639
where you can do both that like where you can
1151
00:50:47.679 --> 00:50:50.559
work from home whether where your children are actually integrated
1152
00:50:50.639 --> 00:50:52.340
in your work in terms of being able to share
1153
00:50:52.519 --> 00:50:54.719
your family like all of those types of things but
1154
00:50:54.739 --> 00:50:57.119
I can imagine that also makes it quite tough because
1155
00:50:57.940 --> 00:50:59.300
works there all the time.
1156
00:50:59.510 --> 00:51:01.179
I say to my friends as well who are working
1157
00:51:01.219 --> 00:51:04.090
mums I'm like you really can't be a hundred percent
1158
00:51:04.170 --> 00:51:07.170
and a hundred percent you're either 70% good at business
1159
00:51:07.170 --> 00:51:09.349
70% good at being a mum and that's okay and
1160
00:51:09.369 --> 00:51:11.070
I feel like once I accepted that I'm like that's fine.
1161
00:51:11.309 --> 00:51:13.449
Well it's like in a and obviously I'm not a
1162
00:51:13.449 --> 00:51:15.389
mother so I have no idea but in terms of
1163
00:51:15.409 --> 00:51:17.329
you know in a relationship like I always talk about
1164
00:51:17.349 --> 00:51:19.010
the fact that like there are going to be times
1165
00:51:19.030 --> 00:51:20.989
where one of you is 90%, one of you is 10%.
1166
00:51:20.989 --> 00:51:23.150
It needs to be flexible in those ways in order
1167
00:51:23.170 --> 00:51:25.809
for the relationship to work because life is not smooth sailing.
1168
00:51:25.949 --> 00:51:27.630
That should be the smooth sailing thing.
1169
00:51:27.710 --> 00:51:31.409
It's accompanying the rest of your life, but that requires
1170
00:51:31.449 --> 00:51:34.010
some sort of flexibility and expecting it to always be
1171
00:51:34.050 --> 00:51:37.349
this kind of 50-50 or 100% great mother, 100% great
1172
00:51:37.389 --> 00:51:38.269
at work, all of those things.
1173
00:51:38.289 --> 00:51:40.309
That's when you get mum guilt. And I think that's
1174
00:51:40.710 --> 00:51:42.690
the best learning experience for me in terms of my
1175
00:51:42.750 --> 00:51:48.050
first you know, raising Fox versus raising Malachi, I was
1176
00:51:48.349 --> 00:51:51.010
trying to be the best mother who I did sensory
1177
00:51:51.050 --> 00:51:53.440
play every day. I did, we did, you know, different
1178
00:51:53.500 --> 00:51:55.940
rounds of different games. And then I'm also on the
1179
00:51:55.980 --> 00:51:58.400
phone 24 seven and uploading a vlog every day. And
1180
00:51:58.719 --> 00:52:01.679
I was burning myself to the ground, feeling guilty when
1181
00:52:01.719 --> 00:52:04.300
I wasn't with Fox. feeling guilty when I wasn't uploading content.
1182
00:52:04.400 --> 00:52:08.820
And now I'm like, my slogan is, I'm doing my best. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1183
00:52:09.179 --> 00:52:10.039
Which I absolutely love.
1184
00:52:10.059 --> 00:52:12.239
And I will also say that the expectation for you
1185
00:52:12.280 --> 00:52:14.119
to be good at both is only on you because
1186
00:52:14.159 --> 00:52:17.329
you're a woman. I think we assume that men can
1187
00:52:17.369 --> 00:52:19.409
be better fathers when they're providing for their family and
1188
00:52:19.469 --> 00:52:22.989
at work. And the fact that we've changed the entire
1189
00:52:23.030 --> 00:52:25.630
landscape in terms of work and yet still assume that
1190
00:52:26.449 --> 00:52:28.139
mothers need to be.
1191
00:52:28.039 --> 00:52:30.239
The primary carers, et cetera, et cetera. It's a little
1192
00:52:30.300 --> 00:52:33.179
bit complex. I was like, I was saying to Kurt,
1193
00:52:33.199 --> 00:52:34.800
I was like, why don't you be a stay-at-home dad?
1194
00:52:34.860 --> 00:52:37.800
He was like, I could never. We're very similar. We
1195
00:52:37.840 --> 00:52:41.119
tag team. We usually do half days. He'll go into
1196
00:52:41.159 --> 00:52:42.739
the office in the morning and I have the boys
1197
00:52:42.800 --> 00:52:45.150
and I'll take them to creche. I love taking them
1198
00:52:45.489 --> 00:52:48.110
to meetings and the gym and things like that and
1199
00:52:48.250 --> 00:52:52.170
showing them my routine because even Fox, now he's loving
1200
00:52:52.210 --> 00:52:53.909
his jujitsu and he loves going to swimming. He says,
1201
00:52:53.929 --> 00:52:56.070
I'm going to go burn some energy. I'm like, right?
1202
00:52:56.090 --> 00:52:58.719
You are your mother's son. Yes. Or he goes, let's
1203
00:52:58.760 --> 00:53:00.280
go to work and do some work. I'm like, let's
1204
00:53:00.320 --> 00:53:02.480
do that. And he'll bring his coloring in and be like,
1205
00:53:02.519 --> 00:53:05.719
I'm working. I'm like, yes. I love modeling. I love
1206
00:53:05.760 --> 00:53:08.159
modeling that to him. You know, like that work ethic.
1207
00:53:08.219 --> 00:53:11.579
I love that, that, you know, he gets to see that. Yeah.
1208
00:53:11.679 --> 00:53:13.460
I need to have both. I can't, and I don't
1209
00:53:13.480 --> 00:53:15.059
want to be at the office all day. Yeah.
1210
00:53:15.099 --> 00:53:16.679
And I also think it's so important as well that
1211
00:53:16.719 --> 00:53:19.280
you've showed that journey of you trying to be one thing,
1212
00:53:19.300 --> 00:53:20.940
deciding you might be another thing, all of these different
1213
00:53:20.960 --> 00:53:23.840
things online, because I can imagine you having said, I
1214
00:53:23.880 --> 00:53:25.440
was made to be a mother and these children will
1215
00:53:25.480 --> 00:53:27.219
be my whole life. And then when you're going back
1216
00:53:27.260 --> 00:53:28.480
to work and you're doing a lot of this, I
1217
00:53:28.500 --> 00:53:31.059
can imagine some people probably would have said, hey, I
1218
00:53:31.079 --> 00:53:32.380
thought you said you were going to be this. And
1219
00:53:32.420 --> 00:53:35.559
it's like, I've never had a child before. I'm learning
1220
00:53:35.599 --> 00:53:37.179
as I go along and I happen to be sharing,
1221
00:53:37.199 --> 00:53:39.019
but you have to respect the fact that I am on.
1222
00:53:38.920 --> 00:53:40.780
This journey too. And I think even for people who
1223
00:53:40.820 --> 00:53:45.230
are listening who aren't businesswomen or working, even if you
1224
00:53:45.250 --> 00:53:47.110
want to go and get your hair done and get
1225
00:53:47.130 --> 00:53:50.610
your nails done and do things that maybe are glamorous,
1226
00:53:51.710 --> 00:53:52.869
You need to have an hour.
1227
00:53:52.929 --> 00:53:56.070
It doesn't need to just be something that is making
1228
00:53:56.130 --> 00:53:58.309
money or productive for your family in order to be
1229
00:53:58.329 --> 00:54:02.090
worth your time 100%. And also the same as, I guess,
1230
00:54:02.159 --> 00:54:04.420
in any relationship, when you lose yourself and you don't
1231
00:54:04.460 --> 00:54:06.960
prioritise yourself, you are not able to be present in
1232
00:54:07.000 --> 00:54:08.880
a good way for that other person, for your children,
1233
00:54:08.920 --> 00:54:11.219
for whatever, because you are no longer yourself.
1234
00:54:11.239 --> 00:54:15.050
You are just a vessel by which to support other people.
1235
00:54:15.170 --> 00:54:17.130
Even this, sitting down and chatting to you, now I'll
1236
00:54:17.150 --> 00:54:19.190
be so excited to go home. It took me.
1237
00:54:20.769 --> 00:54:24.449
My second child, to give myself that lax and give
1238
00:54:24.489 --> 00:54:26.809
myself that time to be like, go to Pilates, don't
1239
00:54:26.829 --> 00:54:29.260
feel guilty about it, they're fine, they're fine.
1240
00:54:29.760 --> 00:54:32.400
You know? And so, if you feel comfortable, can we
1241
00:54:32.420 --> 00:54:35.579
talk about your second pregnancy? Because you've spoken about it publicly.
1242
00:54:35.599 --> 00:54:39.340
I'd love you to... share what you're kind of comfortable
1243
00:54:39.360 --> 00:54:40.920
sharing I know it was a difficult.
1244
00:54:40.619 --> 00:54:43.360
Journey for you so when you're pregnant you can kind
1245
00:54:43.400 --> 00:54:45.860
of I'm not sure what they call it universally but
1246
00:54:45.900 --> 00:54:47.940
it's called the harmony test it's basically like a genetic
1247
00:54:47.980 --> 00:54:51.179
testing which we did with Fox and when you are
1248
00:54:51.460 --> 00:54:54.170
number one a young couple and you're super healthy like
1249
00:54:54.210 --> 00:54:56.829
Kurt and I both healthy and active and fine we
1250
00:54:56.849 --> 00:55:00.230
did the testing it kind of checks for any severe
1251
00:55:00.309 --> 00:55:03.619
kind of genetic abnormalities We did it with Fox. They
1252
00:55:03.659 --> 00:55:05.420
call you. They say, yeah, it's all good. You go, yes, wait,
1253
00:55:05.440 --> 00:55:07.320
you don't even think about it. So I did it
1254
00:55:07.340 --> 00:55:09.940
with Malachi. Again, didn't even think about it. It's a
1255
00:55:09.960 --> 00:55:12.670
blood test. They can pick up your baby's cells in
1256
00:55:12.710 --> 00:55:15.730
your own blood. So she called me and basically said,
1257
00:55:15.750 --> 00:55:18.170
do you have a moment to chat? And as soon
1258
00:55:18.210 --> 00:55:20.150
as she said that, I was like. I cannot imagine
1259
00:55:20.190 --> 00:55:22.289
the feeling. This isn't normal. And I remember I was
1260
00:55:22.329 --> 00:55:24.530
sitting in my home office, I had music up, I
1261
00:55:24.550 --> 00:55:27.679
was like editing, I was in the best mood. Fox
1262
00:55:27.719 --> 00:55:30.760
was old enough that it was like motherhood was peaking
1263
00:55:30.800 --> 00:55:32.980
and my business was peaking and I was pregnant and
1264
00:55:33.000 --> 00:55:35.300
I was like, woo. And I remember turning off the
1265
00:55:35.360 --> 00:55:40.400
music And having that self monologue for a split second saying,
1266
00:55:40.559 --> 00:55:43.579
prepare yourself. I remember the weather. I remember what was
1267
00:55:43.639 --> 00:55:48.380
on my desk. I remember everything. And the worst part
1268
00:55:48.460 --> 00:55:51.159
of it was, so we weren't going to find out
1269
00:55:51.179 --> 00:55:54.570
the gender, but with a lot of genetic abnormalities, it's
1270
00:55:54.820 --> 00:55:58.349
gender specific for some of them. So she said, so
1271
00:55:58.429 --> 00:56:01.389
with your baby boy, and then I just started crying
1272
00:56:01.469 --> 00:56:04.219
automatically because I was like, We weren't meant to find out.
1273
00:56:04.239 --> 00:56:05.099
Like, we weren't going to find out.
1274
00:56:05.699 --> 00:56:10.250
And she went on to tell me the genetic testing
1275
00:56:10.309 --> 00:56:13.530
and that he came back with an abnormality. I'd never
1276
00:56:13.570 --> 00:56:15.929
heard of this thing before. I was so confused. And
1277
00:56:16.110 --> 00:56:17.570
I was waiting.
1278
00:56:17.429 --> 00:56:20.869
For her to be like, sorry, wrong paperwork, not you.
1279
00:56:20.929 --> 00:56:22.150
Or like, but it's going to be fine.
1280
00:56:22.170 --> 00:56:23.309
But it's fine. We just wanted to let you know.
1281
00:56:23.389 --> 00:56:25.920
So she told me and I said, so what do
1282
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:28.280
I take? What do I do? Like, we're going to
1283
00:56:28.340 --> 00:56:31.619
fix it. Because he's a little jelly bean. Like, we're
1284
00:56:31.639 --> 00:56:33.860
going to fix it. And she kind of said, like, no,
1285
00:56:33.900 --> 00:56:36.360
there's nothing you can do. This is him for his life.
1286
00:56:37.119 --> 00:56:41.090
And from then it was just this roller coaster of
1287
00:56:41.630 --> 00:56:44.889
I've never been in a black hole like that in
1288
00:56:44.929 --> 00:56:47.550
my life. I was just a shell of a human.
1289
00:56:47.869 --> 00:56:50.280
And it was so hard that. especially when you're a
1290
00:56:50.300 --> 00:56:52.570
mom and your baby comes up and wants to play
1291
00:56:52.610 --> 00:56:55.210
dress ups. And I've just found out this news. And
1292
00:56:55.949 --> 00:56:57.530
the hardest part of the whole thing was this was
1293
00:56:57.550 --> 00:57:00.469
during COVID times. So I had to go in to
1294
00:57:00.750 --> 00:57:05.739
numerous different genetic counselors and specialists in his genetic difference.
1295
00:57:06.719 --> 00:57:09.119
And I couldn't go with my husband. So I went
1296
00:57:09.179 --> 00:57:12.409
in and he said, do you know anything about your
1297
00:57:12.449 --> 00:57:14.610
baby's condition? And by that time it had been like
1298
00:57:14.670 --> 00:57:16.750
three weeks. So I had like a month to sit
1299
00:57:16.829 --> 00:57:17.849
on this. Oh my God.
1300
00:57:17.989 --> 00:57:18.210
Yeah.
1301
00:57:18.309 --> 00:57:21.110
The anxiety. Yeah. And I'm not going to, and so I'm,
1302
00:57:21.230 --> 00:57:25.050
I'm a Christian. So that was even really hard for
1303
00:57:25.070 --> 00:57:27.969
me to navigate because obviously Christian morals is life is life.
1304
00:57:28.670 --> 00:57:32.519
But then I started researching this condition and this difference.
1305
00:57:32.619 --> 00:57:34.929
And then I was trying to justify in my head,
1306
00:57:34.969 --> 00:57:36.630
I was like, this is unfair for him. Is it
1307
00:57:36.670 --> 00:57:39.269
selfless or is it selfless? Exactly. I'm like, am I
1308
00:57:39.289 --> 00:57:41.739
doing him a disservice by bringing him into the world?
1309
00:57:41.800 --> 00:57:44.699
And this, this, this. And I called my pastor, like
1310
00:57:44.739 --> 00:57:48.300
our minister, and I was searching the Bible for a
1311
00:57:48.739 --> 00:57:51.679
verse that gave me an out that was like, listen
1312
00:57:51.699 --> 00:57:55.449
to your gut. And I basically couldn't find it. I
1313
00:57:55.469 --> 00:57:57.570
look back now and it was the biggest blessing. This
1314
00:57:57.690 --> 00:58:01.349
whole experience was the biggest blessing because it definitely– grew
1315
00:58:01.389 --> 00:58:03.710
my faith and I would never be the person I
1316
00:58:03.769 --> 00:58:05.289
am now and even have the group of friends I
1317
00:58:05.349 --> 00:58:08.369
have now and be as faithful and God-driven as I
1318
00:58:08.449 --> 00:58:12.349
am now. I walked into this meeting with this genetic
1319
00:58:12.409 --> 00:58:15.210
specialist thinking, I want to keep this baby and this
1320
00:58:15.250 --> 00:58:17.289
is my son and I'm going to have this armor on.
1321
00:58:17.309 --> 00:58:20.909
And I sat there and he kind of said, you know,
1322
00:58:20.929 --> 00:58:23.329
this baby's going to have no quality of life. He's
1323
00:58:23.349 --> 00:58:25.170
going to have this, he's going to have that. And
1324
00:58:25.190 --> 00:58:28.690
I said, is there any genetic abnormality that you would
1325
00:58:28.730 --> 00:58:31.150
recommend a mother keep her baby? And he said, none.
1326
00:58:31.170 --> 00:58:33.369
And I said, that's my decision made. The fact that
1327
00:58:33.409 --> 00:58:35.449
you can say that no one with Down syndrome is
1328
00:58:35.489 --> 00:58:39.230
worth having on this earth, no one with any microdeletion
1329
00:58:39.250 --> 00:58:40.949
in the chromosomes is worth having on this earth. I'm like,
1330
00:58:41.010 --> 00:58:43.760
your opinion now is irrelevant to me because that's just,
1331
00:58:44.519 --> 00:58:47.639
I just don't think that's right. So from there, I
1332
00:58:47.679 --> 00:58:49.880
did my own research of how can I best support
1333
00:58:49.920 --> 00:58:53.880
this baby? Because with a lot of genetic abnormalities, abnormality
1334
00:58:53.889 --> 00:58:57.190
is that it's a spectrum. They can be born with X, Y,
1335
00:58:57.599 --> 00:59:00.230
and Z, or just a little bit of a tweak.
1336
00:59:00.230 --> 00:59:02.690
To this day, I've read everything, and the reason I'm
1337
00:59:02.690 --> 00:59:05.159
not saying what he has is because it's not my place.
1338
00:59:05.159 --> 00:59:07.400
yeah you know maybe one day he'll want to talk
1339
00:59:07.420 --> 00:59:09.900
about it and and it's hard because people say you
1340
00:59:09.920 --> 00:59:12.199
could be the spokesperson for this condition I'm.
1341
00:59:12.159 --> 00:59:13.599
Like I don't have it you don't need to live
1342
00:59:13.639 --> 00:59:15.360
your life being an example.
1343
00:59:15.059 --> 00:59:18.210
Yeah it's more so I and then people say well
1344
00:59:18.230 --> 00:59:19.670
then why are you talking about it if you're going
1345
00:59:19.690 --> 00:59:21.769
to give us half details why are you opening up
1346
00:59:21.789 --> 00:59:22.349
you're just being a.
1347
00:59:22.309 --> 00:59:24.909
Pick me girl yeah no that is nosy as.
1348
00:59:25.010 --> 00:59:27.929
No no my thing is like When I found out, again,
1349
00:59:28.050 --> 00:59:29.949
I went to YouTube. I wanted to see people who
1350
00:59:29.989 --> 00:59:33.239
had found out maybe negative news from their Harmony test
1351
00:59:33.300 --> 00:59:36.280
because I wanted to connect with someone. Because my best
1352
00:59:36.320 --> 00:59:38.679
friend at the time, her baby was born 10 days
1353
00:59:38.739 --> 00:59:40.599
before mine. So we were pregnant at the same time.
1354
00:59:40.699 --> 00:59:43.219
And I felt I couldn't connect with anyone. All my
1355
00:59:43.260 --> 00:59:45.880
friends were having these healthy, gorgeous babies. And I was
1356
00:59:46.599 --> 00:59:49.920
pregnant at the time, imagining what my life is going
1357
00:59:49.940 --> 00:59:51.599
to be like, what my baby's going to look like,
1358
00:59:51.659 --> 00:59:53.159
what my baby's going to be like. And I was
1359
00:59:53.199 --> 00:59:56.559
just preparing myself for the worst case scenario. Is he
1360
00:59:56.619 --> 00:59:58.460
ever going to crawl? Is he ever going to talk?
1361
00:59:59.099 --> 01:00:02.099
Is he ever going to make eye contact? And obviously
1362
01:00:02.440 --> 01:00:04.690
the whole nine months was just spent, you know, praying
1363
01:00:04.769 --> 01:00:08.269
over him and just researching. And even now I've kind
1364
01:00:08.309 --> 01:00:12.610
of set up a protocol and, you know, a game
1365
01:00:12.630 --> 01:00:15.309
plan for his life that if we do need special help,
1366
01:00:15.690 --> 01:00:18.550
then I've got it kind of in place. But people,
1367
01:00:18.710 --> 01:00:27.099
you would never know. You chillest, stunning baby. And that's
1368
01:00:27.119 --> 01:00:28.860
what I think as well. And what kind of got
1369
01:00:28.880 --> 01:00:32.110
me through it is like my mum, our mums wouldn't
1370
01:00:32.139 --> 01:00:34.070
have even had that testing available to them. So I
1371
01:00:34.090 --> 01:00:36.050
would have never known. And to this day, I would
1372
01:00:36.110 --> 01:00:39.469
never know because he's just a gorgeous, healthy baby. The
1373
01:00:39.510 --> 01:00:42.530
reason for sharing was just, I guess, to take the
1374
01:00:42.590 --> 01:00:46.840
guilt off. And sometimes things just happen. You know, I
1375
01:00:46.889 --> 01:00:48.880
asked the counsellors, I say, what did I do wrong?
1376
01:00:49.199 --> 01:00:51.280
Did I eat something? And people were like, oh, it's
1377
01:00:51.300 --> 01:00:55.039
because you're sleeping on a mattress with synthetic. No, like seriously,
1378
01:00:55.320 --> 01:00:57.059
I nearly got rid of my mattress. I nearly got
1379
01:00:57.079 --> 01:00:58.739
rid of my mattress for like the next baby I
1380
01:00:58.760 --> 01:01:01.099
want to have. But you know, sometimes you need to
1381
01:01:01.139 --> 01:01:03.119
put your hands in the air and say, I think
1382
01:01:03.159 --> 01:01:04.960
everything happens for a reason. I feel like God plays
1383
01:01:05.000 --> 01:01:08.099
a part and, you know, puts you in these situations.
1384
01:01:08.480 --> 01:01:13.659
And now he's the joy of our household. So yeah,
1385
01:01:14.000 --> 01:01:16.869
I just wanted to show people that I don't like
1386
01:01:16.889 --> 01:01:19.110
when people say, oh, Instagram's a highlight reel. Mine's not.
1387
01:01:19.230 --> 01:01:21.030
You know, I get it. I get it. We can
1388
01:01:21.050 --> 01:01:23.389
choose for our Instagram and our YouTube channels and our
1389
01:01:23.449 --> 01:01:25.599
TikToks to be a highlight reel. But I make a
1390
01:01:25.699 --> 01:01:33.019
conscious decision to make mine a well-rounded reel. Highlights, lowlights, middlelights, boringlights, pivotallights.
1391
01:01:33.260 --> 01:01:34.539
I want people to feel like they can come to
1392
01:01:34.579 --> 01:01:38.269
my channel, get my authentic self, get my negatives and
1393
01:01:38.550 --> 01:01:40.210
connect in that way because I felt so alone.
1394
01:01:40.369 --> 01:01:41.969
Yeah. And whether it's pretty or not, because I can
1395
01:01:42.030 --> 01:01:44.869
imagine If you'd shared that and if you hadn't shared that,
1396
01:01:44.969 --> 01:01:47.170
both would have a huge amount of backlash. Like if
1397
01:01:47.190 --> 01:01:49.070
you're sharing that and as you say, deciding not to
1398
01:01:49.130 --> 01:01:52.710
disclose everything, people could, especially now that you've had the
1399
01:01:52.750 --> 01:01:56.190
baby and perhaps like appears that everything's, you know, how
1400
01:01:56.210 --> 01:01:58.449
they would expect all of these things. I can imagine
1401
01:01:58.469 --> 01:02:01.300
you have backlash that's like. ridiculous accusations.
1402
01:02:01.320 --> 01:02:03.280
People say, oh, he doesn't look like he had Down syndrome.
1403
01:02:03.300 --> 01:02:04.739
I'm like, he never did. And then people were like,
1404
01:02:04.860 --> 01:02:07.199
just confirm or deny. Does he have Down syndrome? I'm like,
1405
01:02:07.219 --> 01:02:09.000
I'm not going to play this game. I'm not going
1406
01:02:09.019 --> 01:02:11.809
to say, oh, it's not that. It's not, keep getting hot, hot,
1407
01:02:11.869 --> 01:02:14.210
getting hotter, getting hotter. Like we're not playing this game.
1408
01:02:14.230 --> 01:02:17.090
We're not playing this game. There is no method or
1409
01:02:17.349 --> 01:02:21.610
there is no strategy, you know, to telling people this.
1410
01:02:21.730 --> 01:02:22.489
It was just.
1411
01:02:22.670 --> 01:02:26.340
And equally, if you hadn't showed it, I think people
1412
01:02:26.360 --> 01:02:28.079
would have had a really big problem. And I also
1413
01:02:28.119 --> 01:02:31.559
think it would have become like food for gossip in
1414
01:02:31.579 --> 01:02:35.679
terms of apparently Sarah's baby has this or like apparently.
1415
01:02:35.320 --> 01:02:37.460
This, which I knew it was going to, something would
1416
01:02:37.500 --> 01:02:41.019
get out because with all of my doctor appointments and
1417
01:02:41.139 --> 01:02:43.360
all of my midwife appointments and my labor, I had
1418
01:02:43.400 --> 01:02:46.469
to disclose the information because it's a part of his
1419
01:02:46.530 --> 01:02:49.909
medical history and it didn't impact my labor or anything,
1420
01:02:49.949 --> 01:02:52.349
but they needed to know that for post labor things.
1421
01:02:52.900 --> 01:02:54.440
So I was even scared. I was like, what if
1422
01:02:54.519 --> 01:02:56.659
one of the midwives, all the midwives are my age.
1423
01:02:56.880 --> 01:02:58.460
So it just takes them to tell their boyfriend, to
1424
01:02:58.480 --> 01:03:01.389
tell someone else. I'm like, I'd rather just, you know, whatever. Yeah.
1425
01:03:01.530 --> 01:03:04.590
And you can't efface your entire kind of what you
1426
01:03:04.610 --> 01:03:07.449
feel emotionally comfortable with, what you feel comfortable sharing, what
1427
01:03:07.469 --> 01:03:08.929
you want the world to know, what you feel like
1428
01:03:08.949 --> 01:03:10.670
it is your right to tell the world about your
1429
01:03:10.730 --> 01:03:13.070
son when he doesn't have the right to tell, like
1430
01:03:13.130 --> 01:03:14.889
he's not able to tell them yet, all of those
1431
01:03:14.909 --> 01:03:17.570
different things. So I can imagine whatever you did in
1432
01:03:17.590 --> 01:03:20.260
that scenario would not have been I mean, there's a
1433
01:03:20.280 --> 01:03:22.059
huge amount of support. I know that you get a
1434
01:03:22.079 --> 01:03:24.059
huge amount of support, as you should. But I can
1435
01:03:24.099 --> 01:03:27.780
imagine nothing being tougher than finding out this news, going
1436
01:03:27.820 --> 01:03:30.579
through this, deciding to share it, thinking that's the right thing,
1437
01:03:30.619 --> 01:03:33.250
and also at the same time getting people playing games
1438
01:03:33.289 --> 01:03:34.570
with you and all of this stuff.
1439
01:03:34.590 --> 01:03:36.909
It's like, oh, no. Well, that's the thing. The negative
1440
01:03:37.329 --> 01:03:40.130
voices are always the loudest in the room, unfortunately. It's
1441
01:03:40.170 --> 01:03:42.909
like you could have a crowd of people clapping after
1442
01:03:42.929 --> 01:03:45.380
you've performed and then you get one boo and that's
1443
01:03:45.420 --> 01:03:48.579
what stabs you, you know? Yeah. I kind of went
1444
01:03:48.619 --> 01:03:50.920
into it. I've been on the platform. I've been on
1445
01:03:50.960 --> 01:03:53.500
social media for over 10 years knowing that there was
1446
01:03:53.539 --> 01:03:56.030
going to be backlash. But I was like, and I
1447
01:03:56.070 --> 01:03:57.510
was a shell of a human at that point. I
1448
01:03:57.650 --> 01:03:59.809
couldn't care less. I had no emotion. I was emotionless.
1449
01:04:00.480 --> 01:04:03.019
I was kind of like, whatever. And my priorities were
1450
01:04:03.179 --> 01:04:05.429
so fixated on this baby and my family that I
1451
01:04:05.429 --> 01:04:08.409
was like, whatever. My priority is not how I come across. Yeah.
1452
01:04:08.610 --> 01:04:10.809
If you have something negative to say about that video,
1453
01:04:10.869 --> 01:04:12.989
you don't know me and you have not been following
1454
01:04:13.030 --> 01:04:15.829
me and you don't know my, what I'm trying to
1455
01:04:15.869 --> 01:04:18.010
portray here. And you'll do your best.
1456
01:04:18.030 --> 01:04:20.610
But like, there's always going to be things that don't
1457
01:04:20.670 --> 01:04:23.070
come across the right way. And like, it is important
1458
01:04:23.150 --> 01:04:25.210
to make sure you say things in a good way,
1459
01:04:25.269 --> 01:04:28.110
but actually ultimately when it comes to your personal life
1460
01:04:28.230 --> 01:04:31.389
and the pain that you've been through and like discovering
1461
01:04:31.409 --> 01:04:34.760
things like this, all of this, you're processing as it goes.
1462
01:04:34.800 --> 01:04:37.659
It's not your, it's impossible for you to be able
1463
01:04:37.699 --> 01:04:38.929
to process that, share.
1464
01:04:38.760 --> 01:04:40.610
That, do it in the right way.
1465
01:04:40.650 --> 01:04:43.030
Do it in a way that's not, you know, for example,
1466
01:04:43.050 --> 01:04:45.070
I can imagine that it would be really hard to
1467
01:04:45.110 --> 01:04:47.289
do it in a way that's not derogatory to anyone
1468
01:04:47.329 --> 01:04:47.949
who's also.
1469
01:04:47.789 --> 01:04:49.750
Decided to have their baby who might also have that
1470
01:04:49.769 --> 01:04:52.469
condition or decided to terminate the pregnancy or any of
1471
01:04:52.489 --> 01:04:53.800
these things. And I had to say that as well
1472
01:04:53.860 --> 01:04:56.039
and disclaim and say, if you have been in this
1473
01:04:56.079 --> 01:04:58.400
position and you decided to not have your baby, that
1474
01:04:58.440 --> 01:05:01.340
is fine. I was there. That wasn't right for me.
1475
01:05:01.920 --> 01:05:04.380
But there's no judgment, you know? Exactly.
1476
01:05:04.440 --> 01:05:07.190
And you cannot live multiple lives and therefore you cannot
1477
01:05:07.210 --> 01:05:09.699
live the right context for each person. which I think
1478
01:05:09.760 --> 01:05:12.019
is incredibly hard. And how have you found it since
1479
01:05:12.199 --> 01:05:14.760
Malachi was born, having two babies?
1480
01:05:15.199 --> 01:05:18.110
The best. Can I just say, anyone freaking out about
1481
01:05:18.130 --> 01:05:20.449
a baby and like business and all that stuff, zero
1482
01:05:20.510 --> 01:05:23.610
to one, like no baby and like single pringle, whatever,
1483
01:05:24.349 --> 01:05:28.650
to one baby is like the craziest whirlwind toughest, how
1484
01:05:28.670 --> 01:05:29.769
the heck am I going to do this? Like my
1485
01:05:29.809 --> 01:05:32.659
life has changed forever. One to two babies, just like
1486
01:05:32.860 --> 01:05:35.809
add another Malteser to the box. Yeah, yeah. One, but
1487
01:05:35.929 --> 01:05:39.650
I will say, I will say, I will say Malachi, yeah,
1488
01:05:39.710 --> 01:05:43.449
dogs are freaking hard. Like my Abby's hard. Malachi is
1489
01:05:43.510 --> 01:05:46.030
just the cruisiest. Like I was almost going to bring
1490
01:05:46.070 --> 01:05:47.429
him because he would probably just sit there and just
1491
01:05:47.449 --> 01:05:50.349
like smile at us. He's so chill. Being a mom
1492
01:05:50.449 --> 01:05:53.130
is my favorite. I need mini breaks because I need
1493
01:05:53.150 --> 01:05:56.150
to like recharge and like I need adult stimulation, need
1494
01:05:56.170 --> 01:05:58.929
to do business. I get creative ideas all the time
1495
01:05:58.949 --> 01:06:00.949
and I like to execute them and I'm very reactive.
1496
01:06:00.989 --> 01:06:03.219
I'm a very reactive person. So I need to be
1497
01:06:03.280 --> 01:06:06.260
in the office doing something and then coming home. But yeah,
1498
01:06:06.340 --> 01:06:10.590
anyone who's freaking out, like two boys especially, they're very independent.
1499
01:06:10.909 --> 01:06:12.170
It's the best, you can do it.
1500
01:06:12.210 --> 01:06:14.070
Well, thank you so much for coming today.
1501
01:06:14.110 --> 01:06:16.230
This has been great. I've learned so much.
1502
01:06:16.250 --> 01:06:17.929
This has been like a, I feel like this is
1503
01:06:17.949 --> 01:06:19.449
like a super fan experience.
1504
01:06:19.949 --> 01:06:20.889
Me too.
1505
01:06:20.909 --> 01:06:22.409
We should have had some mushroom toast. I feel like
1506
01:06:22.510 --> 01:06:23.840
I won a competition.
1507
01:06:23.860 --> 01:06:25.340
Do you know what we should have done? Have you
1508
01:06:25.360 --> 01:06:27.480
seen Hayley Beavers, who's in my bathroom? Yes. Yeah, we
1509
01:06:27.500 --> 01:06:29.179
should have made, like, mushroom toast.
1510
01:06:29.199 --> 01:06:30.320
Oh, that would have been nice.
1511
01:06:30.559 --> 01:06:33.110
Mushroom toast. Next time I'm here, or if you're ever
1512
01:06:33.170 --> 01:06:36.650
in the UK. Yeah, well, my little sister's moving over there. Really? Yeah,
1513
01:06:36.670 --> 01:06:36.860
she is.
1514
01:06:36.869 --> 01:06:39.300
Oh, come. I'll make you some mushroom toast. Yes, thank you.
1515
01:06:39.309 --> 01:06:39.780
You can have it.