WEBVTT
00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:08.160
Hi, I'm Judy Malloy.
00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:17.519
Welcome to Where We Touch, a podcast about healing, story, and moments of connection.
00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:25.039
There are losses that arrive quietly.
00:00:25.359 --> 00:00:33.280
No funeral, no grand goodbye, just a realization that a chapter of our lives has come to an end.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:37.119
I think it's quite easy to ignore these seasons.
00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:46.799
We convince ourselves to look ahead, to embrace change, to be grateful for where we are in the present moment, to get on with things.
00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:54.320
But even if we're happy in the new life we are living, a grief can enter our lives.
00:00:54.799 --> 00:01:01.280
This is a unique grief, one that honors what mattered to us.
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:05.599
It reminds us that there's often pain in making changes.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:10.480
It honors who we were before everything shifted.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:31.200
In this episode, we'll explore this kind of sorrow, the one that accompanies life's transitions and how one client found that the emotional depression and physical pain she was experiencing was actually an invitation to pay attention to something deeper within.
00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:52.879
It is a hot, humid September day in New York City when I meet Rachel for the first time.
00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:59.920
She is dressed in a dark blue floor-length skirt with a matching long-sleeve blouse.
00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:03.760
She wears heavy socks under her leather sandals.
00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:11.199
Beads of sweat roll down her face and rings of perspiration soak the fabric under her arms.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:22.319
After climbing the three flights of stairs to my brownstone massage studio, I see her visible relief when I usher her into my air-conditioned therapy room.
00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:31.120
Nervously, she explains she has not had a massage since converting to Orthodox Judaism and marrying a few years prior.
00:02:31.759 --> 00:02:38.479
She explains she is suffering from generalized muscular pain and feelings of depression.
00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:42.560
During our intake, she mostly looks at the floor.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:45.280
Her voice is barely audible.
00:02:45.599 --> 00:02:50.719
At first, her hands seem to be simply resting in her lap.
00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:59.120
But upon closer observation, I can see her knuckles are white with the ferocity of the grip on her skirt.
00:02:59.520 --> 00:03:05.280
I leave the room to give her privacy, asking her to undress to her comfort level.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:08.960
All set, I say, knocking on the door.
00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:11.759
Yes, I'm ready.
00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:15.759
She is lying on her back under the top sheet.
00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:20.159
Her eyes follow me as I walk to the side of the table.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:27.280
Um, would you be terribly uncomfortable if I took my wig off?
00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:29.280
She almost whispers.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:32.240
No, no, not at all.
00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:40.000
She removes it, hands it to me, and I gently place it on top of her neatly folded clothes.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:48.319
I begin our session by cradling her shorn head in both of my hands.
00:03:49.039 --> 00:03:59.680
With my eyes closed, I can feel wave after wave of release in her musculature as her breath grows slower and deeper.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:03.199
I thought I could do it, she begins.
00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:12.879
I really thought I could easily assume the traditions and practices of orthodoxy coming from my reformed background.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:17.199
I thought love would allow me to do it joyfully.
00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:20.800
I want to make it work so badly.
00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.000
I just don't understand what my problem is.
00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:30.959
As Rachel begins talking, I notice her voice is growing stronger.
00:04:31.279 --> 00:04:40.399
I undrape her left arm and begin to gently massage her with uplifting citrus essential oils blended into a cream.
00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:51.360
I use long, flowing, almost rhythmic strokes to ease her nervous system and release the tension in her arms, shoulders, and neck.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:56.240
Oh, I miss my curly hair, she blurts out.
00:04:56.720 --> 00:05:00.720
I redrape her arm and begin working on her leg.
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:07.199
You know, I find it so sad not being able to worship sitting next to my husband.
00:05:07.439 --> 00:05:08.079
Why?
00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:10.560
Why am I separated from him?
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:17.839
I undrape and redrape all four limbs, her hands and her feet.
00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:22.480
Each limb seems to prompt another part of the story.
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:37.279
These clothes are so hot in the summer, comes with her right leg, and with her right arm I hear, you know, it's so much work keeping kosher with the two sets of dishes and all.
00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:43.199
By the time I finish massaging her right arm, she finishes talking.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:50.560
I begin to slowly rock her torso, her pelvis, her legs, and her arms.
00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:56.079
By rocking the skeletal system, every muscle is passively moved.
00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:03.759
It becomes a sort of lullaby of touch, and she falls asleep just for a minute.
00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:11.120
I return to the top of the table and again lift her head into the palms of my hands.
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:17.120
As I hold her, tears roll softly down her cheeks and onto my fingers.
00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:21.759
I'm not sure how long we remain like this together.
00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:35.439
After a while, she says, Thank you for reminding me I am still here, that I love my life, and it's okay to feel all my feelings.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:42.399
And then she adds with a giggle, I guess she helped me figure out what was getting under my skin.
00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:53.120
I never saw Rachel again, but several months later, a beautiful note card arrived in my mailbox.
00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:58.160
The message written inside said, Thank you for helping me.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:00.560
Things are so much better now.
00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:11.360
I guess I needed to spend some time grieving the life I left before I could fully embrace the beauty of my new one with gratitude, Rachel.
00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:27.439
Before you go, I wonder if you have a moment to find a place where you can rest.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:31.600
Allow your body to settle.
00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:43.920
If it feels safe for you to close your eyes, gently do that now, and if not, just soften your gaze.
00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:51.439
Take a deep breath in and out.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:58.399
In and out.
00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:04.160
Just one more deep breath in.
00:08:06.240 --> 00:08:14.399
And this time, as you exhale, allow your shoulders to soften and your jaw to relax.
00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:24.079
I invite you to imagine that you are standing at the edge of a familiar place.
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:38.240
Behind you is a season of your life that has shaped you, a place filled with memories, joys, challenges, and moments that have become part of who you are.
00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:43.840
Just notice this season.
00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:49.120
Perhaps there is gratitude.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:53.279
Perhaps there is sadness.
00:08:55.840 --> 00:08:58.639
Perhaps there is relief.
00:09:01.120 --> 00:09:04.399
Simply notice whatever arises.
00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:11.200
Take another breath in and out.
00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:22.960
And as you breathe, imagine a gentle new path unfolding before you.
00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:33.440
You can't yet see where it leads, but you know it is an invitation to a new part of your journey.
00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:39.519
And you only need to trust your next step.
00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:44.399
One more deep breath.
00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:49.200
As you inhale, welcome hope.
00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:55.600
And as you exhale, let go of fear.
00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:04.399
Maybe place a hand over your heart and take one final breath.
00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:28.720
As you leave this place and return to your daily life, may you have the courage to grieve what has been, the grace to embrace what is and the faith to welcome what is yet to come.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:43.360
Thanks for listening to Where We Touch.
00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:49.519
Written and performed by me, Judy Malloy, edited and mastered by John E.
00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:50.559
Brady.
00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.320
This is a work of creative nonfiction.
00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:01.840
The events are portrayed to the best of my memory.
00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:13.039
While all the stories in this podcast are true, some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.
00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:08.160
Hi, I'm Judy Malloy.
00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:17.519
Welcome to Where We Touch, a podcast about healing, story, and moments of connection.
00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:25.039
There are losses that arrive quietly.
00:00:25.359 --> 00:00:33.280
No funeral, no grand goodbye, just a realization that a chapter of our lives has come to an end.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:37.119
I think it's quite easy to ignore these seasons.
00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:46.799
We convince ourselves to look ahead, to embrace change, to be grateful for where we are in the present moment, to get on with things.
00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:54.320
But even if we're happy in the new life we are living, a grief can enter our lives.
00:00:54.799 --> 00:01:01.280
This is a unique grief, one that honors what mattered to us.
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:05.599
It reminds us that there's often pain in making changes.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:10.480
It honors who we were before everything shifted.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:31.200
In this episode, we'll explore this kind of sorrow, the one that accompanies life's transitions and how one client found that the emotional depression and physical pain she was experiencing was actually an invitation to pay attention to something deeper within.
00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:52.879
It is a hot, humid September day in New York City when I meet Rachel for the first time.
00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:59.920
She is dressed in a dark blue floor-length skirt with a matching long-sleeve blouse.
00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:03.760
She wears heavy socks under her leather sandals.
00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:11.199
Beads of sweat roll down her face and rings of perspiration soak the fabric under her arms.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:22.319
After climbing the three flights of stairs to my brownstone massage studio, I see her visible relief when I usher her into my air-conditioned therapy room.
00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:31.120
Nervously, she explains she has not had a massage since converting to Orthodox Judaism and marrying a few years prior.
00:02:31.759 --> 00:02:38.479
She explains she is suffering from generalized muscular pain and feelings of depression.
00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:42.560
During our intake, she mostly looks at the floor.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:45.280
Her voice is barely audible.
00:02:45.599 --> 00:02:50.719
At first, her hands seem to be simply resting in her lap.
00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:59.120
But upon closer observation, I can see her knuckles are white with the ferocity of the grip on her skirt.
00:02:59.520 --> 00:03:05.280
I leave the room to give her privacy, asking her to undress to her comfort level.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:08.960
All set, I say, knocking on the door.
00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:11.759
Yes, I'm ready.
00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:15.759
She is lying on her back under the top sheet.
00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:20.159
Her eyes follow me as I walk to the side of the table.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:27.280
Um, would you be terribly uncomfortable if I took my wig off?
00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:29.280
She almost whispers.
00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:32.240
No, no, not at all.
00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:40.000
She removes it, hands it to me, and I gently place it on top of her neatly folded clothes.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:48.319
I begin our session by cradling her shorn head in both of my hands.
00:03:49.039 --> 00:03:59.680
With my eyes closed, I can feel wave after wave of release in her musculature as her breath grows slower and deeper.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:03.199
I thought I could do it, she begins.
00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:12.879
I really thought I could easily assume the traditions and practices of orthodoxy coming from my reformed background.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:17.199
I thought love would allow me to do it joyfully.
00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:20.800
I want to make it work so badly.
00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.000
I just don't understand what my problem is.
00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:30.959
As Rachel begins talking, I notice her voice is growing stronger.
00:04:31.279 --> 00:04:40.399
I undrape her left arm and begin to gently massage her with uplifting citrus essential oils blended into a cream.
00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:51.360
I use long, flowing, almost rhythmic strokes to ease her nervous system and release the tension in her arms, shoulders, and neck.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:56.240
Oh, I miss my curly hair, she blurts out.
00:04:56.720 --> 00:05:00.720
I redrape her arm and begin working on her leg.
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:07.199
You know, I find it so sad not being able to worship sitting next to my husband.
00:05:07.439 --> 00:05:08.079
Why?
00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:10.560
Why am I separated from him?
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:17.839
I undrape and redrape all four limbs, her hands and her feet.
00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:22.480
Each limb seems to prompt another part of the story.
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:37.279
These clothes are so hot in the summer, comes with her right leg, and with her right arm I hear, you know, it's so much work keeping kosher with the two sets of dishes and all.
00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:43.199
By the time I finish massaging her right arm, she finishes talking.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:50.560
I begin to slowly rock her torso, her pelvis, her legs, and her arms.
00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:56.079
By rocking the skeletal system, every muscle is passively moved.
00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:03.759
It becomes a sort of lullaby of touch, and she falls asleep just for a minute.
00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:11.120
I return to the top of the table and again lift her head into the palms of my hands.
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:17.120
As I hold her, tears roll softly down her cheeks and onto my fingers.
00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:21.759
I'm not sure how long we remain like this together.
00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:35.439
After a while, she says, Thank you for reminding me I am still here, that I love my life, and it's okay to feel all my feelings.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:42.399
And then she adds with a giggle, I guess she helped me figure out what was getting under my skin.
00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:53.120
I never saw Rachel again, but several months later, a beautiful note card arrived in my mailbox.
00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:58.160
The message written inside said, Thank you for helping me.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:00.560
Things are so much better now.
00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:11.360
I guess I needed to spend some time grieving the life I left before I could fully embrace the beauty of my new one with gratitude, Rachel.
00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:27.439
Before you go, I wonder if you have a moment to find a place where you can rest.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:31.600
Allow your body to settle.
00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:43.920
If it feels safe for you to close your eyes, gently do that now, and if not, just soften your gaze.
00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:51.439
Take a deep breath in and out.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:58.399
In and out.
00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:04.160
Just one more deep breath in.
00:08:06.240 --> 00:08:14.399
And this time, as you exhale, allow your shoulders to soften and your jaw to relax.
00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:24.079
I invite you to imagine that you are standing at the edge of a familiar place.
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:38.240
Behind you is a season of your life that has shaped you, a place filled with memories, joys, challenges, and moments that have become part of who you are.
00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:43.840
Just notice this season.
00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:49.120
Perhaps there is gratitude.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:53.279
Perhaps there is sadness.
00:08:55.840 --> 00:08:58.639
Perhaps there is relief.
00:09:01.120 --> 00:09:04.399
Simply notice whatever arises.
00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:11.200
Take another breath in and out.
00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:22.960
And as you breathe, imagine a gentle new path unfolding before you.
00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:33.440
You can't yet see where it leads, but you know it is an invitation to a new part of your journey.
00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:39.519
And you only need to trust your next step.
00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:44.399
One more deep breath.
00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:49.200
As you inhale, welcome hope.
00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:55.600
And as you exhale, let go of fear.
00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:04.399
Maybe place a hand over your heart and take one final breath.
00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:28.720
As you leave this place and return to your daily life, may you have the courage to grieve what has been, the grace to embrace what is and the faith to welcome what is yet to come.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:43.360
Thanks for listening to Where We Touch.
00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:49.519
Written and performed by me, Judy Malloy, edited and mastered by John E.
00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:50.559
Brady.
00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.320
This is a work of creative nonfiction.
00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:01.840
The events are portrayed to the best of my memory.
00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:13.039
While all the stories in this podcast are true, some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.
