WEBVTT
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I've got a question for you.
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What if some of the things that you've been calling discipline aren't actually discipline at all?
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I mean, think about it.
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You overeat one day, and so the next day you decide you're not eating at all.
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Or maybe you start cutting out entire food groups because you feel like you have to make up for what you ate.
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Or how about this one?
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You miss a workout, and so now you feel like you have to do twice as much.
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Now you're attacking two hours of cardio onto the end of your workout, hoping that somehow it'll fix everything.
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Or maybe you stepped on the scale, didn't like the number you see, and suddenly your entire week becomes about making up for everything you think you did wrong.
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And the worst part is, in your mind, you start trying to justify the behavior by telling yourself things like, I deserve this.
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I'm just being disciplined.
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If I never regained the weight to begin with, I wouldn't even have to deal with this.
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This is my fault.
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I need to get more serious.
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I need to hold myself accountable.
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But let me ask you something.
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Are you focused on correcting the behavior that led up to this?
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Or are you just trying to punish yourself for it?
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Because when you're in the middle of your journey, those two things can look very similar, but underneath, they come from two very different places.
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And if you don't know the difference, you can spend years calling something discipline that's actually keeping you trapped in the very cycle that you're trying to escape.
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Welcome back.
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I'm Noelle Ellis, the muscle mindset specialist, and this is What's Beneath the Weight, where we go beyond the scale to uncover the mindset, muscle, and meaning behind lasting change.
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Because real transformation doesn't happen on the surface.
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It happens when you understand what's beneath it.
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I feel like one of the reasons discipline becomes so confusing is because somewhere along the way, a lot of us learn to associate discipline with punishing ourselves.
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I mean, we are constantly pushing harder, doing more, accepting no excuses.
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But if you mess up, well, guess what, buddy?
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Now you have to pay for it.
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But discipline and punishment are not the same thing.
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Discipline at its core is corrective.
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It's supposed to teach you something.
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It helps you look at what happened, understand what needs to change, and make a better decision moving forward.
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Punishment, on the other hand, is all about the penalty.
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A punishment-based response says, you did something wrong, so now you need to suffer for it.
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And when it comes to weight loss, I feel like that line can get blurred really quickly.
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Let's say, for example, you overeat.
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A discipline-based response would sound like, okay, what exactly happened here?
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Was I overly hungry?
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Was I stressed out?
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Did something trigger me?
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Did I go too long without eating?
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Was I unprepared?
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What can I do differently next time?
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Those type of responses lead to accountability.
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You're not pretending the choice didn't happen.
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You're trying to learn from it.
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Self-punishment, on the other hand, sounds like, oh my God, I blew it.
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I have no self-control.
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This is why I can't lose weight.
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I'm a failure.
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Tomorrow I'm barely eating.
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I'm doing extra cardio.
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You know what?
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I need to make up for this.
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Do you feel the difference between those two responses?
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One's trying to correct the pattern and the other's trying to settle some sort of debt.
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And understanding the difference between those two is going to be absolutely crucial on your journey because we all make less than stellar choices sometimes.
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But being compassionate with yourself doesn't mean that you're letting yourself off the hook.
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It doesn't mean that there's no standards, and it doesn't mean that every choice gets an excuse.
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It means that you can hold yourself accountable without tearing yourself apart in the process.
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When we respond to setbacks with more compassion, we can be more willing and confident about continuing towards our goal instead of allowing one setback to become the end of the journey.
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And that doesn't mean self-compassion alone will magically make the weight come off.
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Lord knows I wish that were true.
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It means that the way you respond to the mistake can affect what you do next.
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The goal of discipline isn't to make you feel so terrible about what happened that you never, ever, ever do it again.
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The goal should be to help you understand yourself well enough to make better choices when that situation comes up again.
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And that's where so many of us keep running into a brick wall.
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We think being harder on ourselves means that we're taking the journey more seriously.
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We think that shame is accountability and that suffering somehow proves that we're committed.
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When in reality, sometimes what we call discipline is really just punishment dressed up as progress.
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And that's what I want to unpack today.
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And I'll be honest, it took me a while to understand the difference between discipline and punishment.
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But once I did, it completely changed the way that I responded to myself when I messed up.
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It's helped me build a better relationship with myself, with food, and with my weight loss journey overall.
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I mean, just the other day, I had to use this concept in real time.
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I woke up late, I forgot my lunch, and then ended up spending half of the day working on a project with two coworkers who absolutely irritate my soul.
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On the way home, I ran out of gas, I got a flat tire, and I ended up stopping at the store.
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And before I knew it, I was standing at the register scanning an entire tray of soft-baked cookies.
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And in case you're wondering, yes, I ate every single last one of them.
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And when I woke up the next morning, I felt nothing but shame.
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Now, the old version of me would have immediately gotten on the scale and then spent two hours or more on the treadmill trying to make up for everything I did the night before.
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But that morning, I decided to try something different.
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I got up, I did my normal workout and went right back to my usual meal plan.
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Later that day, however, I sat down and I journaled about what happened.
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And what I realized was that those cookies weren't really about hunger.
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I was stressed out, I was irritated and exhausted.
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And by the time I got to that store, I was trying to find a way to eat my feelings.
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I was looking for something that would make me feel better in the moment.
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So instead of asking, how do I make myself pay for this?
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I started asking, what can I learn from this?
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What can I learn from this experience, this reaction I had to having a terrible day?
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And I came up with a plan for how I could handle that trigger differently the next time it happened.
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And you know what?
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That's what discipline is.
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It's not pretending that the night before didn't happen.
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It's not excusing it and it's not punishing myself for it.
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I acknowledged what happened.
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Yes.
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I went to the store and bought a tray of cookies the size of my body and ate them all on the couch while watching reruns of Doctor Stone.
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I mean, it it wasn't exactly my finest moment.
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The cookies, that is.
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The show is great, especially if you like anime.
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And if you don't, it's okay.
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We can still be friends.
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But the point is, I learned from it.
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I learned from the decision, the mistake, the lapse in judgment, whatever you want to call it.
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I learned from it.
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And then I went back to the behaviors that were actually going to move me forward towards my goal.
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Because one difficult night does not need to become an entire week of punishment.
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So let's talk about ways that we can encourage the shift in our current lives.
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And I believe it all begins with first understanding that discipline corrects the behavior while self-punishment attacks the person.
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And there's a huge difference between the two.
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Because when something doesn't go according to plan, a discipline-based thought process looks at what happens and says, okay, maybe that wasn't my best decision.
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Let's review the tape and see what happened.
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Or what do I need to do differently next time?
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Self-punishment, on the other hand, gets personal.
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Instead of focusing on the choice that was made, it starts attacking you as an individual.
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Suddenly, it's I have no self-control.
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I'm so stupid.
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I'm lazy, I'm fat, I'm a failure.
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This is why nobody likes me.
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Do you see how quickly we do that to ourselves?
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Do you see how fast that spiraled out of control?
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All you did was eat a bunch of cookies.
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How on earth did we get from eating cookies to I'm a failure and nobody likes me?
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We take something that happened, a decision that was made in the moment, a small microscopic blip on the timeline of our lives, and we turn it into evidence of who we believe we are as a person.
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And it fixes nothing in the long term.
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That is where so many of us get ourselves into trouble because there's a difference between saying, I made a choice that didn't support my goals, versus saying, I'm a failure.
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One gives you something to work on, the other gives you something to be ashamed of.
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And walking through life ashamed of every single decision, choice, or mistake you've ever made is no way to live life.
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You're not the behavior.
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You can make a bad decision without being a bad person.
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You can struggle with consistency without deciding that you're incapable of being consistent.
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You can regain weight without deciding that everything you accomplished before somehow no longer counts.
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And you can have a setback without turning that setback into your entire identity.
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So the next time you mess up, and you will, and that's okay because you're human, I want you to stop and ask yourself, am I correcting what I did or am I condemning who I am?
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And then I want you to follow the simple three-part checklist.
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Number one, I want you to separate the behavior from your identity.
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Instead of saying, I'm a failure, say I made a choice that didn't support my goal.
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Number two, get curious about what happened.
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Ask yourself what led up to this.
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I want you thinking about the next best action.
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What can I do now that actually moves me forward?
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Because point A is where you are now.
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The binge already happened.
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The mill was already eaten.
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The scale already says whatever it says.
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The clothes already feel tight.
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You already overspent.
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Whatever happened, it's already happened.
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You can't change the past.
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So now the question becomes: how do I move from point A to point B?
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Because berating yourself isn't going to do it.
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Exercising yourself into the ground isn't going to do it.
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Starving yourself isn't going to do it.
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Crying, shutting down, and giving up isn't going to do it.
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So, what is the next logical step that moves you from where you are now towards where you want to be?
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Figure out what that is and then do that.
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And it doesn't matter how small that step is, it just needs to move you forward.
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The second thing that we need to understand is that discipline follows a plan while punishment follows a feeling.
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And sometimes the easiest way to recognize self-punishment is to pay attention to what suddenly changed.
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Let's say you plan to do 45 minutes of cardio.
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It's been on your schedule all week.
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But let's say the night before you go to a party and food is flowing everywhere, and maybe you kind of sort of overeat.
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The next morning, suddenly that 45 minutes of cardio has turned into two hours.
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But why?
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Why the extra cardio?
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Did your fitness goals suddenly change overnight?
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Did your trainer call you and say, hey, listen up.
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I've reviewed what you ate last night and we're going to need to do another hour and 15 minutes on that treadmill?
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No.
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Okay, so what changed?
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If the plan didn't change, what did?
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I'll tell you what did.
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Your emotions did.
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Now you feel guilty.
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Maybe you're scared that you just destroyed all of your progress and suddenly everything feels urgent.
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I need to fix this right now.
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That sudden sense of urgency is the red flag that I want you to start paying attention to.
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Discipline is intentional, right?
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It's intentional.
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It says, this is the plan I created because I believe it supports where I'm trying to go.
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Punishment, on the other hand, is reactive.
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It's always reactive.
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It says, I feel guilty, I'm frustrated, I'm scared I messed up everything.
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So I need to do something drastic right now.
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And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
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Urgency does not automatically equal wisdom.
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Ask me how I know.
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I've wasted plenty of seasons making decisions from guilt, fear, and frustration instead of logic.
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And all that urgency did was keep me reacting to the moment instead of understanding what I actually needed.
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And I don't want you repeating that pattern.
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Just because you feel a strong need to react to something doesn't mean that reaction is serving you.
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So if you ever find yourself in that situation, I want you to pause and ask yourself one question.
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Would I be making this decision if I didn't feel guilty, ashamed, or scared right now?
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And I'm not saying that your overall plan can never change, because of course it can.
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But there's a difference between changing a plan because new information tells you that an adjustment makes sense and changing a plan because an emotion is demanding an immediate reaction.
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Are you responding to what you actually need, or are you reacting to how you feel right now?
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Discipline responds with intention.
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Punishment reacts to emotion.
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And the third thing that we need to understand is that discomfort and punishment are not the same thing.
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And this one is important because after everything we've talked about today, I don't want anybody trying to walk away from this episode thinking that, well, if it feels difficult, I must be punishing myself and therefore I should stop.
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No, absolutely not.
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Nice try though.
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Sometimes discipline is uncomfortable, but there's a difference between doing something difficult because it supports your goal, and doing something difficult because you believe you need to suffer.
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And that difference is purpose.
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A great example is getting out of bed and going to the gym at dark 30 a.m.
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You're tired, your bed feels amazing, and probably every part of you would rather stay exactly where you are.
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But you get up because you made a commitment to yourself.
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And that commitment is connected to something that you decided was important to you.
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The discomfort is there, but the purpose isn't to make you suffer.
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Now compare that to overeating the night before, waking up angry with yourself and then deciding that you're going to stay on the treadmill until your legs fall off because you deserve it.
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In the first situation, the difficult thing is helping you honor a commitment.
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In the other, the difficult thing has become a weapon.
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And sometimes we try to use self-compassion as an excuse to get out of doing hard things.
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But self-compassion doesn't mean taking the easy way out.
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It means that you don't intentionally use difficulty as a way to hurt yourself.
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You can push yourself, you can have standards, you can hold yourself accountable.
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The question is, what is that discomfort there to accomplish?
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If it's part of following through on something that supports your goal, then the discomfort has a constructive purpose.
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But if you're deliberately making something harder because somewhere inside of you, you believe you deserve to suffer for what you did, then that discomfort is no longer serving the goal.
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It's serving as a punishment.
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And the fourth thing that we need to understand, and this one is one of my favorites, sometimes the most disciplined thing you can do is return back to normal.
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And I know that doesn't sound very dramatic because there's no two-hour punishment workout, there's no emergency cleanse, there's no announcement that Monday is officially day one for the 900th and 47th time.
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Sometimes the answer is sitting right in front of you.
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For example, you overeat.
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Your next meal is just your next meal that gets you back on track.
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Or you miss a workout.
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You follow the schedule you already had.
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You have a rough weekend.
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You don't need to spend the next seven days trying to erase it.
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You simply get back to the behaviors that were supporting you before the setback happened.
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And I think this is hard for a lot of us because after we mess up, we feel that doing something normal isn't enough.
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We feel like the setback somehow erased all of our progress before.
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But the problem is when every single setback is followed by some huge overcorrection, we never really learn how to recover.
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We never learn how to pick up where we left off.
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We only learn how to restart.
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And restarting and recovering are two different things.
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A restart says everything went wrong, so I need to begin all over again.
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Recovery says something happened, I dealt with it, and now I'm continuing forwards.
00:21:13.490 --> 00:21:18.290
Recovery understands that the progress you made before the setback still counts.
00:21:18.450 --> 00:21:26.370
You're not back at zero because you had one bad meal or because you missed a workout or had a really rough weekend.
00:21:26.690 --> 00:21:29.650
You're simply picking up where you left off.
00:21:29.890 --> 00:21:32.850
Think back to the day that I was surrounded by cookies.
00:21:33.090 --> 00:21:37.410
The disciplined response wasn't me trying to starve myself the next day.
00:21:37.650 --> 00:21:43.090
It wasn't spending half of my life on the treadmill trying to undo what happened.
00:21:43.570 --> 00:21:51.410
It was doing my normal workout, following my normal meal plan and continuing with the process.
00:21:51.650 --> 00:21:58.050
And I understand that it might not feel dramatic enough, especially when you're sitting in the guilt of what just happened.
00:21:58.290 --> 00:22:04.850
But sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is refuse to let one moment become a whole new cycle.
00:22:05.090 --> 00:22:09.410
Continue moving forward with a routine that supports the life you're trying to build.
00:22:09.650 --> 00:22:20.529
And the faster you learn how to recover without turning every mistake into a crisis, the less power one bad moment has over the rest of your journey.
00:22:20.769 --> 00:22:27.810
Focusing on continuity and momentum will take you much further than chasing perfection.
00:22:28.050 --> 00:22:33.650
Sometimes discipline looks less like drama and more like consistency.
00:22:34.050 --> 00:22:39.730
And the fifth thing we need to understand is that discipline should build self-trust, not fear.
00:22:40.050 --> 00:22:50.210
Because if every mistake is followed by punishment, eventually you'll not only become afraid of making the mistake, you'll also become afraid to face it.
00:22:50.450 --> 00:22:55.890
And it's impossible to learn from something that you're too busy trying to protect yourself from.
00:22:56.130 --> 00:23:12.290
For example, if you already know that stepping on the scale and seeing a number you don't like is going to send you into a spiral of shame and punishment, eventually you may stop stepping on the scale altogether because you don't trust what you're going to do to yourself once you see that number.
00:23:12.529 --> 00:23:19.890
Self-trust means that I can tell myself the truth without being afraid of what I'm going to do with that truth.
00:23:20.210 --> 00:23:26.529
And real discipline helps build that trust because it gives you a response that you can rely on.
00:23:27.090 --> 00:23:33.170
If something goes wrong, you know you're going to face it, make the correction and keep moving forward.
00:23:33.730 --> 00:23:39.890
So maybe the question isn't, can I trust myself to never mess up again?
00:23:40.130 --> 00:23:47.410
Maybe the real question is, can I trust myself enough to face the truth when I do?
00:23:47.810 --> 00:23:54.769
Because if you can't face the truth without attacking yourself, you make it a lot harder to learn from what happened.
00:23:54.850 --> 00:23:59.570
And if you don't learn from what happened, you can't make a meaningful correction.
00:23:59.810 --> 00:24:03.490
You'll just keep cycling between mistake and the punishment.
00:24:03.570 --> 00:24:07.730
And you can't change a pattern that you're too afraid to confront.
00:24:07.890 --> 00:24:17.410
So if there's one thing that I want you to take away from this episode, it's this real discipline isn't about making yourself pay for a mistake.
00:24:17.650 --> 00:24:21.970
It's about knowing how to respond in a way that moves you forward.
00:24:22.290 --> 00:24:24.930
You're going to have moments where you get it wrong.
00:24:25.170 --> 00:24:31.970
You're going to make choices that don't support your goals, but that doesn't erase everything you've already done.
00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:36.050
And it doesn't mean that you need to punish yourself for it.
00:24:36.370 --> 00:24:40.529
It means that there's something there for you to learn from.
00:24:40.930 --> 00:24:45.250
Sometimes moving forward will require you to do something uncomfortable.
00:24:45.490 --> 00:24:50.130
Other times it simply means returning to the routine that was already working.
00:24:50.690 --> 00:24:55.570
But the purpose should always be progress, not punishment.
00:24:55.890 --> 00:25:00.850
You don't have to tear yourself apart to prove that you're serious about changing.
00:25:01.170 --> 00:25:10.130
What matters is that you can face what happened, make the correction, and continue without turning one mistake into an entire cycle.
00:25:10.370 --> 00:25:14.930
Because the goal was never to become someone who never makes a mistake.
00:25:15.170 --> 00:25:19.650
The goal is to become someone who knows how to handle it when you do.
00:25:19.890 --> 00:25:25.810
If today's episode resonated with you, it's because transformation isn't just physical.
00:25:26.050 --> 00:25:31.730
It's mental, it's emotional, it's physiological, and it's what's happening beneath the surface.
00:25:31.970 --> 00:25:35.730
And that's exactly what we break down here on what's beneath the weight.
00:25:35.890 --> 00:25:44.529
So if you're ready to stop starting over and start understanding what's really driving your results, make sure you subscribe so you don't miss what's next.
00:25:44.769 --> 00:25:49.810
And until next time, remember weight is not the problem, it's the signal.
00:00:02.479 --> 00:00:04.480
I've got a question for you.
00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:12.960
What if some of the things that you've been calling discipline aren't actually discipline at all?
00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:14.800
I mean, think about it.
00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:20.800
You overeat one day, and so the next day you decide you're not eating at all.
00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:28.800
Or maybe you start cutting out entire food groups because you feel like you have to make up for what you ate.
00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:31.120
Or how about this one?
00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:37.119
You miss a workout, and so now you feel like you have to do twice as much.
00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:46.240
Now you're attacking two hours of cardio onto the end of your workout, hoping that somehow it'll fix everything.
00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:58.880
Or maybe you stepped on the scale, didn't like the number you see, and suddenly your entire week becomes about making up for everything you think you did wrong.
00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:08.560
And the worst part is, in your mind, you start trying to justify the behavior by telling yourself things like, I deserve this.
00:01:09.120 --> 00:01:11.200
I'm just being disciplined.
00:01:11.359 --> 00:01:16.319
If I never regained the weight to begin with, I wouldn't even have to deal with this.
00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:18.000
This is my fault.
00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:20.079
I need to get more serious.
00:01:20.239 --> 00:01:22.879
I need to hold myself accountable.
00:01:23.120 --> 00:01:25.040
But let me ask you something.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:30.239
Are you focused on correcting the behavior that led up to this?
00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.760
Or are you just trying to punish yourself for it?
00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:42.480
Because when you're in the middle of your journey, those two things can look very similar, but underneath, they come from two very different places.
00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:54.560
And if you don't know the difference, you can spend years calling something discipline that's actually keeping you trapped in the very cycle that you're trying to escape.
00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:55.760
Welcome back.
00:01:55.920 --> 00:02:07.760
I'm Noelle Ellis, the muscle mindset specialist, and this is What's Beneath the Weight, where we go beyond the scale to uncover the mindset, muscle, and meaning behind lasting change.
00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:12.240
Because real transformation doesn't happen on the surface.
00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:15.759
It happens when you understand what's beneath it.
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:29.360
I feel like one of the reasons discipline becomes so confusing is because somewhere along the way, a lot of us learn to associate discipline with punishing ourselves.
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:36.400
I mean, we are constantly pushing harder, doing more, accepting no excuses.
00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:40.319
But if you mess up, well, guess what, buddy?
00:02:40.560 --> 00:02:42.400
Now you have to pay for it.
00:02:42.719 --> 00:02:46.800
But discipline and punishment are not the same thing.
00:02:47.039 --> 00:02:50.159
Discipline at its core is corrective.
00:02:50.319 --> 00:02:52.879
It's supposed to teach you something.
00:02:53.199 --> 00:03:01.120
It helps you look at what happened, understand what needs to change, and make a better decision moving forward.
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:04.879
Punishment, on the other hand, is all about the penalty.
00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:11.039
A punishment-based response says, you did something wrong, so now you need to suffer for it.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:16.639
And when it comes to weight loss, I feel like that line can get blurred really quickly.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:19.840
Let's say, for example, you overeat.
00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:26.719
A discipline-based response would sound like, okay, what exactly happened here?
00:03:27.199 --> 00:03:29.280
Was I overly hungry?
00:03:29.439 --> 00:03:30.800
Was I stressed out?
00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:32.639
Did something trigger me?
00:03:32.960 --> 00:03:35.120
Did I go too long without eating?
00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:36.800
Was I unprepared?
00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:39.680
What can I do differently next time?
00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:42.960
Those type of responses lead to accountability.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:46.080
You're not pretending the choice didn't happen.
00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:48.400
You're trying to learn from it.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:54.000
Self-punishment, on the other hand, sounds like, oh my God, I blew it.
00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:55.840
I have no self-control.
00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:57.840
This is why I can't lose weight.
00:03:57.919 --> 00:03:58.879
I'm a failure.
00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:01.039
Tomorrow I'm barely eating.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:02.639
I'm doing extra cardio.
00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:03.280
You know what?
00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:04.639
I need to make up for this.
00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:08.800
Do you feel the difference between those two responses?
00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:14.400
One's trying to correct the pattern and the other's trying to settle some sort of debt.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:24.240
And understanding the difference between those two is going to be absolutely crucial on your journey because we all make less than stellar choices sometimes.
00:04:24.480 --> 00:04:28.959
But being compassionate with yourself doesn't mean that you're letting yourself off the hook.
00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:34.639
It doesn't mean that there's no standards, and it doesn't mean that every choice gets an excuse.
00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:39.839
It means that you can hold yourself accountable without tearing yourself apart in the process.
00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:52.720
When we respond to setbacks with more compassion, we can be more willing and confident about continuing towards our goal instead of allowing one setback to become the end of the journey.
00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:58.480
And that doesn't mean self-compassion alone will magically make the weight come off.
00:04:58.800 --> 00:05:00.720
Lord knows I wish that were true.
00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:06.240
It means that the way you respond to the mistake can affect what you do next.
00:05:06.480 --> 00:05:13.519
The goal of discipline isn't to make you feel so terrible about what happened that you never, ever, ever do it again.
00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:21.199
The goal should be to help you understand yourself well enough to make better choices when that situation comes up again.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:25.519
And that's where so many of us keep running into a brick wall.
00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:31.199
We think being harder on ourselves means that we're taking the journey more seriously.
00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:37.839
We think that shame is accountability and that suffering somehow proves that we're committed.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:45.279
When in reality, sometimes what we call discipline is really just punishment dressed up as progress.
00:05:45.439 --> 00:05:47.680
And that's what I want to unpack today.
00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:54.000
And I'll be honest, it took me a while to understand the difference between discipline and punishment.
00:05:54.240 --> 00:06:00.160
But once I did, it completely changed the way that I responded to myself when I messed up.
00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:07.360
It's helped me build a better relationship with myself, with food, and with my weight loss journey overall.
00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:11.839
I mean, just the other day, I had to use this concept in real time.
00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:22.480
I woke up late, I forgot my lunch, and then ended up spending half of the day working on a project with two coworkers who absolutely irritate my soul.
00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:28.480
On the way home, I ran out of gas, I got a flat tire, and I ended up stopping at the store.
00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:35.680
And before I knew it, I was standing at the register scanning an entire tray of soft-baked cookies.
00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:43.360
And in case you're wondering, yes, I ate every single last one of them.
00:06:43.519 --> 00:06:47.040
And when I woke up the next morning, I felt nothing but shame.
00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:57.839
Now, the old version of me would have immediately gotten on the scale and then spent two hours or more on the treadmill trying to make up for everything I did the night before.
00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.720
But that morning, I decided to try something different.
00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:06.240
I got up, I did my normal workout and went right back to my usual meal plan.
00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:12.160
Later that day, however, I sat down and I journaled about what happened.
00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:17.839
And what I realized was that those cookies weren't really about hunger.
00:07:18.079 --> 00:07:21.600
I was stressed out, I was irritated and exhausted.
00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:28.160
And by the time I got to that store, I was trying to find a way to eat my feelings.
00:07:28.399 --> 00:07:32.319
I was looking for something that would make me feel better in the moment.
00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:37.279
So instead of asking, how do I make myself pay for this?
00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:41.680
I started asking, what can I learn from this?
00:07:42.079 --> 00:07:48.240
What can I learn from this experience, this reaction I had to having a terrible day?
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:54.720
And I came up with a plan for how I could handle that trigger differently the next time it happened.
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:56.240
And you know what?
00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:58.319
That's what discipline is.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:01.920
It's not pretending that the night before didn't happen.
00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:06.000
It's not excusing it and it's not punishing myself for it.
00:08:06.319 --> 00:08:08.639
I acknowledged what happened.
00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:09.519
Yes.
00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:19.120
I went to the store and bought a tray of cookies the size of my body and ate them all on the couch while watching reruns of Doctor Stone.
00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:22.240
I mean, it it wasn't exactly my finest moment.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:23.920
The cookies, that is.
00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:26.399
The show is great, especially if you like anime.
00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:27.920
And if you don't, it's okay.
00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:29.519
We can still be friends.
00:08:30.160 --> 00:08:32.559
But the point is, I learned from it.
00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:37.679
I learned from the decision, the mistake, the lapse in judgment, whatever you want to call it.
00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:39.120
I learned from it.
00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:46.159
And then I went back to the behaviors that were actually going to move me forward towards my goal.
00:08:46.399 --> 00:08:51.519
Because one difficult night does not need to become an entire week of punishment.
00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:57.600
So let's talk about ways that we can encourage the shift in our current lives.
00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:07.759
And I believe it all begins with first understanding that discipline corrects the behavior while self-punishment attacks the person.
00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:10.960
And there's a huge difference between the two.
00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:25.120
Because when something doesn't go according to plan, a discipline-based thought process looks at what happens and says, okay, maybe that wasn't my best decision.
00:09:25.919 --> 00:09:28.960
Let's review the tape and see what happened.
00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:32.399
Or what do I need to do differently next time?
00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:35.919
Self-punishment, on the other hand, gets personal.
00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:42.240
Instead of focusing on the choice that was made, it starts attacking you as an individual.
00:09:42.639 --> 00:09:45.600
Suddenly, it's I have no self-control.
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:46.960
I'm so stupid.
00:09:47.039 --> 00:09:49.039
I'm lazy, I'm fat, I'm a failure.
00:09:49.200 --> 00:09:50.879
This is why nobody likes me.
00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:54.320
Do you see how quickly we do that to ourselves?
00:09:54.559 --> 00:09:57.360
Do you see how fast that spiraled out of control?
00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:59.759
All you did was eat a bunch of cookies.
00:09:59.919 --> 00:10:04.960
How on earth did we get from eating cookies to I'm a failure and nobody likes me?
00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:20.240
We take something that happened, a decision that was made in the moment, a small microscopic blip on the timeline of our lives, and we turn it into evidence of who we believe we are as a person.
00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:23.600
And it fixes nothing in the long term.
00:10:24.399 --> 00:10:36.159
That is where so many of us get ourselves into trouble because there's a difference between saying, I made a choice that didn't support my goals, versus saying, I'm a failure.
00:10:36.799 --> 00:10:42.240
One gives you something to work on, the other gives you something to be ashamed of.
00:10:42.720 --> 00:10:50.159
And walking through life ashamed of every single decision, choice, or mistake you've ever made is no way to live life.
00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:52.159
You're not the behavior.
00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:55.679
You can make a bad decision without being a bad person.
00:10:56.080 --> 00:11:02.559
You can struggle with consistency without deciding that you're incapable of being consistent.
00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:10.720
You can regain weight without deciding that everything you accomplished before somehow no longer counts.
00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:15.840
And you can have a setback without turning that setback into your entire identity.
00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:29.360
So the next time you mess up, and you will, and that's okay because you're human, I want you to stop and ask yourself, am I correcting what I did or am I condemning who I am?
00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:33.200
And then I want you to follow the simple three-part checklist.
00:11:33.440 --> 00:11:37.840
Number one, I want you to separate the behavior from your identity.
00:11:38.159 --> 00:11:46.240
Instead of saying, I'm a failure, say I made a choice that didn't support my goal.
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:49.519
Number two, get curious about what happened.
00:11:49.759 --> 00:11:52.240
Ask yourself what led up to this.
00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:14.000
I want you thinking about the next best action.
00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:18.399
What can I do now that actually moves me forward?
00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:21.279
Because point A is where you are now.
00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:23.120
The binge already happened.
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:24.879
The mill was already eaten.
00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:27.519
The scale already says whatever it says.
00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:29.440
The clothes already feel tight.
00:12:29.519 --> 00:12:30.879
You already overspent.
00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:34.240
Whatever happened, it's already happened.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:36.080
You can't change the past.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:42.799
So now the question becomes: how do I move from point A to point B?
00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:46.320
Because berating yourself isn't going to do it.
00:12:46.559 --> 00:12:49.519
Exercising yourself into the ground isn't going to do it.
00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:51.840
Starving yourself isn't going to do it.
00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:55.200
Crying, shutting down, and giving up isn't going to do it.
00:12:55.360 --> 00:13:02.080
So, what is the next logical step that moves you from where you are now towards where you want to be?
00:13:02.639 --> 00:13:05.440
Figure out what that is and then do that.
00:14:09.409 --> 00:14:14.529
And it doesn't matter how small that step is, it just needs to move you forward.
00:14:14.769 --> 00:14:22.289
The second thing that we need to understand is that discipline follows a plan while punishment follows a feeling.
00:14:22.610 --> 00:14:31.009
And sometimes the easiest way to recognize self-punishment is to pay attention to what suddenly changed.
00:14:31.250 --> 00:14:35.329
Let's say you plan to do 45 minutes of cardio.
00:14:35.490 --> 00:14:38.449
It's been on your schedule all week.
00:14:39.009 --> 00:14:48.769
But let's say the night before you go to a party and food is flowing everywhere, and maybe you kind of sort of overeat.
00:14:49.169 --> 00:14:54.769
The next morning, suddenly that 45 minutes of cardio has turned into two hours.
00:14:55.089 --> 00:14:55.969
But why?
00:14:56.209 --> 00:14:57.809
Why the extra cardio?
00:14:57.969 --> 00:15:01.009
Did your fitness goals suddenly change overnight?
00:15:01.329 --> 00:15:05.009
Did your trainer call you and say, hey, listen up.
00:15:05.169 --> 00:15:10.529
I've reviewed what you ate last night and we're going to need to do another hour and 15 minutes on that treadmill?
00:15:10.850 --> 00:15:11.169
No.
00:15:11.889 --> 00:15:13.490
Okay, so what changed?
00:15:13.649 --> 00:15:16.289
If the plan didn't change, what did?
00:15:16.769 --> 00:15:17.889
I'll tell you what did.
00:15:18.049 --> 00:15:19.169
Your emotions did.
00:15:19.329 --> 00:15:20.769
Now you feel guilty.
00:15:21.089 --> 00:15:27.889
Maybe you're scared that you just destroyed all of your progress and suddenly everything feels urgent.
00:15:28.049 --> 00:15:29.730
I need to fix this right now.
00:15:30.129 --> 00:15:35.809
That sudden sense of urgency is the red flag that I want you to start paying attention to.
00:15:36.209 --> 00:15:39.009
Discipline is intentional, right?
00:15:39.169 --> 00:15:40.209
It's intentional.
00:15:40.370 --> 00:15:46.370
It says, this is the plan I created because I believe it supports where I'm trying to go.
00:15:46.929 --> 00:15:49.169
Punishment, on the other hand, is reactive.
00:15:49.490 --> 00:15:51.089
It's always reactive.
00:15:51.250 --> 00:15:55.809
It says, I feel guilty, I'm frustrated, I'm scared I messed up everything.
00:15:55.889 --> 00:15:58.129
So I need to do something drastic right now.
00:15:58.769 --> 00:16:00.850
And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
00:16:01.089 --> 00:16:04.370
Urgency does not automatically equal wisdom.
00:16:05.089 --> 00:16:06.529
Ask me how I know.
00:16:07.089 --> 00:16:14.209
I've wasted plenty of seasons making decisions from guilt, fear, and frustration instead of logic.
00:16:14.449 --> 00:16:21.649
And all that urgency did was keep me reacting to the moment instead of understanding what I actually needed.
00:16:21.809 --> 00:16:24.289
And I don't want you repeating that pattern.
00:16:24.610 --> 00:16:31.490
Just because you feel a strong need to react to something doesn't mean that reaction is serving you.
00:16:31.730 --> 00:16:38.289
So if you ever find yourself in that situation, I want you to pause and ask yourself one question.
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Would I be making this decision if I didn't feel guilty, ashamed, or scared right now?
00:16:44.049 --> 00:16:49.569
And I'm not saying that your overall plan can never change, because of course it can.
00:16:49.889 --> 00:17:01.809
But there's a difference between changing a plan because new information tells you that an adjustment makes sense and changing a plan because an emotion is demanding an immediate reaction.
00:17:02.049 --> 00:17:09.089
Are you responding to what you actually need, or are you reacting to how you feel right now?
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Discipline responds with intention.
00:17:12.130 --> 00:17:14.769
Punishment reacts to emotion.
00:17:15.009 --> 00:17:21.890
And the third thing that we need to understand is that discomfort and punishment are not the same thing.
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And this one is important because after everything we've talked about today, I don't want anybody trying to walk away from this episode thinking that, well, if it feels difficult, I must be punishing myself and therefore I should stop.
00:17:38.930 --> 00:17:41.490
No, absolutely not.
00:17:41.730 --> 00:17:43.490
Nice try though.
00:17:43.809 --> 00:17:56.370
Sometimes discipline is uncomfortable, but there's a difference between doing something difficult because it supports your goal, and doing something difficult because you believe you need to suffer.
00:17:56.610 --> 00:17:58.690
And that difference is purpose.
00:17:58.930 --> 00:18:03.250
A great example is getting out of bed and going to the gym at dark 30 a.m.
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You're tired, your bed feels amazing, and probably every part of you would rather stay exactly where you are.
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But you get up because you made a commitment to yourself.
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And that commitment is connected to something that you decided was important to you.
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The discomfort is there, but the purpose isn't to make you suffer.
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Now compare that to overeating the night before, waking up angry with yourself and then deciding that you're going to stay on the treadmill until your legs fall off because you deserve it.
00:18:35.810 --> 00:18:41.330
In the first situation, the difficult thing is helping you honor a commitment.
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In the other, the difficult thing has become a weapon.
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And sometimes we try to use self-compassion as an excuse to get out of doing hard things.
00:18:51.330 --> 00:18:55.170
But self-compassion doesn't mean taking the easy way out.
00:18:55.490 --> 00:19:00.769
It means that you don't intentionally use difficulty as a way to hurt yourself.
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You can push yourself, you can have standards, you can hold yourself accountable.
00:19:06.130 --> 00:19:11.250
The question is, what is that discomfort there to accomplish?
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If it's part of following through on something that supports your goal, then the discomfort has a constructive purpose.
00:19:19.650 --> 00:19:29.570
But if you're deliberately making something harder because somewhere inside of you, you believe you deserve to suffer for what you did, then that discomfort is no longer serving the goal.
00:19:29.730 --> 00:19:31.490
It's serving as a punishment.
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And the fourth thing that we need to understand, and this one is one of my favorites, sometimes the most disciplined thing you can do is return back to normal.
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And I know that doesn't sound very dramatic because there's no two-hour punishment workout, there's no emergency cleanse, there's no announcement that Monday is officially day one for the 900th and 47th time.
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Sometimes the answer is sitting right in front of you.
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For example, you overeat.
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Your next meal is just your next meal that gets you back on track.
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Or you miss a workout.
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You follow the schedule you already had.
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You have a rough weekend.
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You don't need to spend the next seven days trying to erase it.
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You simply get back to the behaviors that were supporting you before the setback happened.
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And I think this is hard for a lot of us because after we mess up, we feel that doing something normal isn't enough.
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We feel like the setback somehow erased all of our progress before.
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But the problem is when every single setback is followed by some huge overcorrection, we never really learn how to recover.
00:20:50.210 --> 00:20:53.730
We never learn how to pick up where we left off.
00:20:54.050 --> 00:20:56.050
We only learn how to restart.
00:20:56.450 --> 00:20:59.490
And restarting and recovering are two different things.
00:20:59.730 --> 00:21:05.490
A restart says everything went wrong, so I need to begin all over again.
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Recovery says something happened, I dealt with it, and now I'm continuing forwards.
00:21:13.490 --> 00:21:18.290
Recovery understands that the progress you made before the setback still counts.
00:21:18.450 --> 00:21:26.370
You're not back at zero because you had one bad meal or because you missed a workout or had a really rough weekend.
00:21:26.690 --> 00:21:29.650
You're simply picking up where you left off.
00:21:29.890 --> 00:21:32.850
Think back to the day that I was surrounded by cookies.
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The disciplined response wasn't me trying to starve myself the next day.
00:21:37.650 --> 00:21:43.090
It wasn't spending half of my life on the treadmill trying to undo what happened.
00:21:43.570 --> 00:21:51.410
It was doing my normal workout, following my normal meal plan and continuing with the process.
00:21:51.650 --> 00:21:58.050
And I understand that it might not feel dramatic enough, especially when you're sitting in the guilt of what just happened.
00:21:58.290 --> 00:22:04.850
But sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is refuse to let one moment become a whole new cycle.
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Continue moving forward with a routine that supports the life you're trying to build.
00:22:09.650 --> 00:22:20.529
And the faster you learn how to recover without turning every mistake into a crisis, the less power one bad moment has over the rest of your journey.
00:22:20.769 --> 00:22:27.810
Focusing on continuity and momentum will take you much further than chasing perfection.
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Sometimes discipline looks less like drama and more like consistency.
00:22:34.050 --> 00:22:39.730
And the fifth thing we need to understand is that discipline should build self-trust, not fear.
00:22:40.050 --> 00:22:50.210
Because if every mistake is followed by punishment, eventually you'll not only become afraid of making the mistake, you'll also become afraid to face it.
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And it's impossible to learn from something that you're too busy trying to protect yourself from.
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For example, if you already know that stepping on the scale and seeing a number you don't like is going to send you into a spiral of shame and punishment, eventually you may stop stepping on the scale altogether because you don't trust what you're going to do to yourself once you see that number.
00:23:12.529 --> 00:23:19.890
Self-trust means that I can tell myself the truth without being afraid of what I'm going to do with that truth.
00:23:20.210 --> 00:23:26.529
And real discipline helps build that trust because it gives you a response that you can rely on.
00:23:27.090 --> 00:23:33.170
If something goes wrong, you know you're going to face it, make the correction and keep moving forward.
00:23:33.730 --> 00:23:39.890
So maybe the question isn't, can I trust myself to never mess up again?
00:23:40.130 --> 00:23:47.410
Maybe the real question is, can I trust myself enough to face the truth when I do?
00:23:47.810 --> 00:23:54.769
Because if you can't face the truth without attacking yourself, you make it a lot harder to learn from what happened.
00:23:54.850 --> 00:23:59.570
And if you don't learn from what happened, you can't make a meaningful correction.
00:23:59.810 --> 00:24:03.490
You'll just keep cycling between mistake and the punishment.
00:24:03.570 --> 00:24:07.730
And you can't change a pattern that you're too afraid to confront.
00:24:07.890 --> 00:24:17.410
So if there's one thing that I want you to take away from this episode, it's this real discipline isn't about making yourself pay for a mistake.
00:24:17.650 --> 00:24:21.970
It's about knowing how to respond in a way that moves you forward.
00:24:22.290 --> 00:24:24.930
You're going to have moments where you get it wrong.
00:24:25.170 --> 00:24:31.970
You're going to make choices that don't support your goals, but that doesn't erase everything you've already done.
00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:36.050
And it doesn't mean that you need to punish yourself for it.
00:24:36.370 --> 00:24:40.529
It means that there's something there for you to learn from.
00:24:40.930 --> 00:24:45.250
Sometimes moving forward will require you to do something uncomfortable.
00:24:45.490 --> 00:24:50.130
Other times it simply means returning to the routine that was already working.
00:24:50.690 --> 00:24:55.570
But the purpose should always be progress, not punishment.
00:24:55.890 --> 00:25:00.850
You don't have to tear yourself apart to prove that you're serious about changing.
00:25:01.170 --> 00:25:10.130
What matters is that you can face what happened, make the correction, and continue without turning one mistake into an entire cycle.
00:25:10.370 --> 00:25:14.930
Because the goal was never to become someone who never makes a mistake.
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The goal is to become someone who knows how to handle it when you do.
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If today's episode resonated with you, it's because transformation isn't just physical.
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It's mental, it's emotional, it's physiological, and it's what's happening beneath the surface.
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And that's exactly what we break down here on what's beneath the weight.
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So if you're ready to stop starting over and start understanding what's really driving your results, make sure you subscribe so you don't miss what's next.
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And until next time, remember weight is not the problem, it's the signal.
