Let’s Talk Co-Parenting… Because It’s Not Easy

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Vonnie: Welcome to What tha group Chat
Say the podcast where the group chat.
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Finally got a mic.
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We're three friends in our forties
talking about life, friendships,
relationships, and everything we
didn't see coming in this decade.
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I'm Vonnie here with Keya and Drea,
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And on today's episode,
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We had another question from the
group chat reacts that we thought
deserved its own episode Today.
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It's all about co-parenting.
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On the group chat reacts, I
have another question from of our
listeners, and it goes like this.
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What is your opinion on different
co-parenting when one parent is getting
married and their partner has a say but
the other parent isn't good with that?
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drea: Ooh.
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Keya: You took the words
right outta my mouth.
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Ooh.
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So would it
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drea: Yeah, I'll let you go first.
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Keya: So the, i, the angle I would
ask, or the first question I would
ask is, other parent, does it have
a say so as in if the child can be
in the wedding or the other spouse?
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So that's kind of vague
because I feel like if
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drea: does she bring up the wedding?
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Like what was, read the question again.
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Vonnie: they brought,
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drea: I think they're just saying
like they're getting married.
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Vonnie: getting married.
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So now
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drea: that person is now part of
decision making in the household?
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I think that's what the question is saying
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Vonnie: doesn't.
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Yes.
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They don't like that.
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So how are you getting through
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drea: like, for instance, if
I'm getting married, how would
my son's father feel about it?
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So can you've experienced this?
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Keya: Oh,
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drea: you've been married with kids.
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Right?
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Keya: So for me, with someone else um,
having a say so in raising the children, I
always establish that discipline was mine.
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And as far as discipline,
it's like physical punishment.
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Like you may tell them
to do something you can.
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Tell them go clean their
rooms or anything like that.
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Like you can even put them on punishment.
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But as far as the physical discipline
or anything like that, don't touch my
kids because I never touched his kids.
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just don't believe in that.
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'cause you're not their other parent.
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drea: And so that would be the same
for, because think about it, you've
experienced this on both sides.
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'cause like your ex-husband,
didn't he get married again too?
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Keya: yep,
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drea: Okay.
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And your kids were still younger?
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Right.
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Keya: still were younger.
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drea: Okay.
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Keya: were.
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drea: did you guys have a
conversation about this?
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Like when you decided to get married
again or have someone in your house did
you guys ever have this conversation
about what's the expectation?
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As both of you're bringing someone in your
household and you guys have children, did
you guys have that conversation or no?
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Keya: the funny thing is I don't think
we ever sat down and had like a hard
heart to heart talk because I think
the first one knew that no, you're not
gonna put your hands on my children.
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So he didn't have to have
that talk with me because that
was the type of mother I was.
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But for him, because.
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didn't trust his judgment.
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I did tell him not ever in her
life, put hands on my kids.
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better always handle it.
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he never had that, like, it
wasn't a reciprocal conversation.
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So, then I think
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drea: Just the unspoken understanding.
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Keya: yes, a
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drea: Okay.
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Keya: And then I think what made
it easier, for the, my second
husband was the fact that the
first one walked out, like gone.
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So there was no input needed because
a, I was the full-time, parent.
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I handled everything from A to Z so the
other parent wasn't involved hands on.
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So therefore when the second
husband stepped in, it was
just him and I raising kids.
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if that makes sense.
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drea: that totally makes
sense because I raised my son.
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I was that true definition
of a single mother.
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There was no options.
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'cause mine lived outta state.
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And so I will say that some women will say
they're single, but yet their son's father
or daughter's father pick their asses up
every other week or have them every week.
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So it's like, are you single?
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Are you co-parenting?
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I think that that's important for
us to talk about too, is what is
people's definition of co-parenting?
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Because I don't feel I ever had a
co-parent because he left outta state.
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As my son got older, they
had conversations, but still
it was my house, my rules.
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Right.
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and I think that some people also
need to know that, you're co-parenting
if you're broke up and your kids are
seeing each other, their parents,
you guys are co-parenting like
two different households, rules,
punishment that may start at my house
needs to continue at their house.
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Like things like that in conversations
and healthy co-parenting.
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I think it's important for people to,
if you don't know about co-parenting,
you should really read up on it
and like the foundation because
it's really helpful with children.
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and then you're really not
co-parenting if the other parents
obsolete, if that makes sense.
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but then like I said people
get in relationships.
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So what would you say, Keya, with
the question of do you feel like the
other person who's having an issue
with the co-parenting, 'cause they're
getting married, would you say like
in a healthy co-parenting, they should
have a conversation on what discipline
looks like, what the involvement
of the other parent looks like?
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Or would you think also that if
the other parent's having a hard
time, they still might like the
parent who's getting married?
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There's so many thoughts that are
coming to my head about this question.
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Keya: So for me personally, I, feel
like parents involved should be on the
same page when it comes to the children.
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So if you're gonna go into a
healthy co-parenting situation,
you have to realize that you won't
be in that other parent's home.
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So you can't tell that other parent
that their spouse, can't be involved
in the everyday raising, especially
if that spouse is taking them to
sports practices or recitals or
anything that our children had to do.
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You can't now look at me and say, this
person that I'm marrying has no say so in.
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Their every day to day, especially
if I am the co custodial parent.
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Like, you don't get to tell me that this
person, doesn't have input into what it
is that our children should be doing,
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drea: Right, because there is a level
of respect that you kids have to
have, and I want people to hear that.
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When you do find a significant other
that is not the parent of your child
and you start dating those children
have to learn to respect them.
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And that doesn't mean physical,
but they need to respect them.
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And when you cause them to have some type
of confusion or a potential manipulation
of, I ain't gotta listen to you 'cause
you ain't my daddy, I ain't gotta listen
to you 'cause you ain't showing my mama
there causes problems there and then
there starts causing problems within the
house because children become teenagers
that are assholes who can manipulate.
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And you see this a lot when
there's two parents, two different
households, rules and stuff.
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Kids will manipulate if they
can get away with something.
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There's always one parent or one household
that might be stricter than the other.
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So I think like what you're saying is
very important, people need to understand
that, is that there is a fine line with
the other parent needing to be involved.
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And the respect that needs to be built.
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Keya: I absolutely agree because you
have to at least be able to come to the
table because Drea, you alluded to it
earlier, that if I'm giving a punishment
here, then I need that to continue.
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So before my boys' parent walked
out, it was, they had cell phones
and they had gotten it taken because
they hadn't something at the house.
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And the second husband was like,
yo, we need to nip this in the
bud because they're not going to
learn their lesson about this.
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So like, you need to take this privilege
away 'cause they're not listening,
they're not, you know what I'm saying?
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Keya boys need X, Y, and Z and you know,
you gotta get harder in this stance.
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And I was like, okay.
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So we took the phones and I told
Voldemort, yo, don't give the kids the
phones, but you can come pick them.
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up because you know what I'm saying?
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They were in school and just when they
were at his house, 'cause no one had
landlines anymore, that they would
have a way to contact like if you had
to run out to the store or whatever.
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But you don't give them back the phones.
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You, need to follow what
we are on over here.
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'cause they on punishment you know,
it was a little bark and what it,
yo, I'll just keep 'em and then
we ain't even gotta deal with it.
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'cause I need them to understand
that is what they need to follow
and I need you to get in line and
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drea: each other as parents.
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You gotta back each other.
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Absolutely.
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Keya: And because the first didn't like
the second and he let, the, situation
of manipulation creep in, like you said
because they knew, well my daddy don't
like him anyway so we ain't gotta do it.
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So then it is like, when they came home,
I always had to reprogram yo, what you
not about to do is buck up at this house.
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You're not gonna do that.
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We were not doing that.
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So it was reprogramming.
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And then as hard as to say, like the
other one moved to another state,
just stepped out and act like my kids
didn't exist, it was easier for me
because then now just me and now they're
stepparent and we had it on lock.
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So, if you, you guys aren't going
into the co-parenting situation
supporting one another, only going
to harm the children like Drea said.
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And it's only gonna create situations
where they are pitting one against
the other and they are going to
pull those little strings because
they're assholes at a certain point.
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Like Drea said, well, I don't wanna
live with you no more, and I wanna go.
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So it creates those scenarios.
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So support one another, just like we
learned in all of our divorce, If you're
divorced from that other parent, like
when they had us take those parenting
classes, that's very helpful information.
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Be on one accord so y'all all can raise
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drea: I mean
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Keya: healthy children.
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drea: 'cause I had to take
that to get child support.
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but you know, I, I think that like, even
though my son's father lived outta state,
when he did talk to my son on the phone,
it was a bitch fest about me and I would
hear it and I had to be the bigger person.
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And as my son's gotten older, I've seen
to where it's affected him and I would
see to where he would, when he would
get upset when he was younger, he would
say shit to me that his dad would say.
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And that's when I started
first picking up on it.
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And I never wanted to take that
privilege away from talking to his
parent 'cause that's his parent.
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But although his dad was not in state,
I suffered, like I suffered a lot.
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Stuff that was said to my son about
me, especially when my son was upset.
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So even with a father resigning outta
state, the manipulation would happen
because he wanted to be the cool
dad or his dad, had issues with me.
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And so when I did need to discipline
him, or we had some problems in the house
and he happened to talk to his dad, oh,
let me tell you, I was a shitty person.
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so even in those situations, it
can go south, and it can be hard.
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'cause like you said, you gotta
reprogram them, you know what I'm saying?
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You have to
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Keya: Yes.
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drea: teach them or show them why you're
doing what you're doing because you don't
have the backing of the other parents.
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So the backing I think is very important.
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Keya: is very important,
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drea: I know Siobhan, I know that you're
not really saying much 'cause you don't,
you don't have, you know, children
over your own, but you are an aunt.
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and I think that that's another
form of parenting when you have
your siblings children, right?
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but also you've seen some ugly, jealous,
situations, within people that, I don't
wanna say particular 'cause I don't,
know, how they feel about that, but
like you've seen just as an aunt, right?
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Where, Bad co-parenting or where
a woman possibly still cares for
that man and is giving them a run
for the money 'cause they moved on.
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I know you've, you've seen that, and that
could possibly be something you could
talk on 'cause you've seen it personally.
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And, and I think this conversation, like
this question kind of goes to that is, you
know, what if it's because they're jealous
or they're mad because you found someone,
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Vonnie: Yeah.
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I was just gonna say, while
listening to you guys, someone
who just has dog you hear a lot
about dog mom and all that stuff.
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Like, look, there's no comparison.
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I mean, the things that you all have to
go through, the puppy phase is one thing,
but it's, you're not raising anything.
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Like, let's calm our jets
and let's stay in our lane.
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You can't be like, well, I'm a dog mom.
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I understand.
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No, you don't.
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you don't.
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Because we don't have to
deal with any of this stuff.
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Keya: Can I just I love that you say that
because some of the pretentious people
that I have come across with, I'm a pet
parent, and it's the same the fuck it is.
00:15:41.416 --> 00:15:42.466
So I love that you
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Vonnie: Not even
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drea: listen, my pet ain't
talking back to me like that.
00:15:46.337 --> 00:15:52.907
my pet might piss me off 'cause they might
have shit or they shouldn't have because
I was mean to them or I ignored them.
00:15:52.957 --> 00:15:57.277
My pet ain't straight out having
an opinion talking shit to
me, you know what I'm saying?
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And think that they trying to
grow up and body about it 'cause
they know everything about life.
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Keya: Girl, listen, listen.
00:16:04.786 --> 00:16:06.136
A pet gonna bark.
00:16:07.186 --> 00:16:10.966
kids bark and then you gotta bark louder.
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I'm glad you said that, but go ahead.
00:16:13.125 --> 00:16:24.435
Vonnie: Like I don't, that's why
I was like, I don't, you know, the
parents have this conversation and
I don't even know, like you said,
I've seen it third party, but I think
anybody can see and witness that.
00:16:25.635 --> 00:16:47.205
I don't know how it feels to be my brother
to have a parent that doesn't like to
co-parent, I would say in an amicable
way, when if you're doing that and just
reading that question, if you don't
want them having a say so, just because
of pettiness, not out of the goodness.
00:16:47.565 --> 00:16:51.795
Of what is best for the child,
then you need to fall back.
00:16:51.885 --> 00:16:53.355
And I'm sure it's difficult.
00:16:53.565 --> 00:16:55.635
I am sure nobody wants to see somebody.
00:16:55.635 --> 00:16:59.675
Maybe they're still in love with
moving on, just from a human level.
00:17:00.125 --> 00:17:01.775
But it was what Keya said.
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If it's not in the child's best
interest, then you need to let it go.
00:17:07.145 --> 00:17:20.975
And as hard as it is, and you know,
Drea, you doing that with somebody who
was abusive to you and still saying,
you know what, it's in my son's best
interest to have his own relationship
with his father, regardless of how I
feel about that man or how he treated me.
00:17:21.005 --> 00:17:24.005
Like that's, that's a lot of work.
00:17:24.065 --> 00:17:25.475
And so I can't even imagine.
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drea: I will say this, I could not
wait until my son became of age where I
didn't have to answer the phone no more.
00:17:31.360 --> 00:17:34.780
Not for my son, but for his father,
for them to have a conversation.
00:17:35.290 --> 00:17:39.550
Like it was like, amazing
son has his own cell phone.
00:17:39.550 --> 00:17:41.140
Call each other when you want to.
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I ain't gotta be involved.
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Vonnie: of it.
00:17:43.720 --> 00:17:46.240
drea: I ain't gotta hear the
bullshit, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:46.290 --> 00:17:52.080
but then kids become teenagers and
they don't wanna call their parent
that's not with them, you know?
00:17:52.080 --> 00:17:54.300
And then it's, I'm getting
calls, why won't he answer me?
00:17:54.300 --> 00:17:55.320
It's because of you.
00:17:55.710 --> 00:17:57.990
And it's like, nah, bro,
like fucking teenager.
00:17:57.990 --> 00:18:00.870
He is at practice, he's at
this, he's at this event.
00:18:00.870 --> 00:18:02.250
Like, you know what I'm saying?
00:18:02.250 --> 00:18:03.090
Like, come on now.
00:18:03.180 --> 00:18:05.820
Like, I still gotta my,
my son still to this day.
00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:08.370
He, him and my sister got this problem.
00:18:08.650 --> 00:18:10.390
like, I texted him yesterday.
00:18:10.390 --> 00:18:12.460
He ain't text back still.
00:18:12.700 --> 00:18:13.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:13.420 --> 00:18:13.960
So,
00:18:14.179 --> 00:18:14.469
Keya: they
00:18:14.740 --> 00:18:15.820
drea: that started as a teenager.
00:18:17.209 --> 00:18:19.229
Keya: I have a question for you.
00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:24.699
in this co-parenting thing,
have you had a situation
00:18:27.159 --> 00:18:46.719
it was positive that you got to
deal with other parents, significant
other, where you guys had to talk
about either a problem they seen with
your son or, you know, it was, hey,
or, I was thinking about doing this?
00:18:46.769 --> 00:18:58.509
So like have you had an instance,
where you've had to deal with
the other spouse, like directly?
00:18:58.509 --> 00:19:00.609
Did you guys put
00:19:00.915 --> 00:19:02.445
drea: My son's father did get married.
00:19:02.955 --> 00:19:05.415
I never had to meet her in person.
00:19:06.255 --> 00:19:10.365
she, low key was always
a bitch on the phone.
00:19:10.885 --> 00:19:14.945
even when they first started dating,
I did not even live in Arizona.
00:19:14.945 --> 00:19:15.995
I mean in Texas.
00:19:15.995 --> 00:19:18.905
I was in Arizona, like,
why do you hate me so much?
00:19:18.905 --> 00:19:19.235
Right?
00:19:19.805 --> 00:19:28.895
I would say that I never had to deal
with her on a level, because like,
let me just give you an example.
00:19:29.780 --> 00:19:45.380
He came to visit his son one time, and
in his suitcase, she packed pictures
of them and of her in his suitcase
because he was coming to see his
son and she knew he would see me.
00:19:45.950 --> 00:19:46.280
Right.
00:19:46.790 --> 00:19:47.150
Like,
00:19:47.249 --> 00:19:47.399
Keya: Oh my
00:19:47.550 --> 00:19:50.990
drea: so, their relationship also wasn't
very healthy, you know what I'm saying?
00:19:50.990 --> 00:19:57.380
But when my son was young and he
would go out there, he never came
back and said anything mean about her.
00:19:57.720 --> 00:19:59.790
it was just maybe once that he did.
00:20:00.150 --> 00:20:03.480
So I kind of, when he would go out
there, I would kind of mind my business.
00:20:03.480 --> 00:20:06.480
As long as I can get ahold of my son,
I don't give two damns about nothing.
00:20:06.840 --> 00:20:07.440
You know what I mean?
00:20:07.950 --> 00:20:13.710
there was a few times where it
was like, oh, well he's sleep,
or he, girl, you better wake my
kid up, you know, type of thing.
00:20:14.020 --> 00:20:21.820
but I would say on as co-parenting, aside
from the other spouse, just because like I
said, their relationship was not healthy.
00:20:22.280 --> 00:20:32.300
and I say that because like within
years, like my son kind of stopped
going out there at a young age, like
my son had met like new girlfriends.
00:20:32.300 --> 00:20:44.270
And then my son, I remember my son
sitting on the staircase saying to
his dad on the phone like, well, if
my mom's a bad person, but you, you
have like, you have a wife and a
girlfriend, I don't think that's allowed.
00:20:44.320 --> 00:20:58.890
so he, 'cause he met like the other
girlfriends, That like when his wife
and him would be separated, like his
dad always had somebody, he had some
codependency, but when my son did
start getting older, me and his dad
would have, we actually have better
conversations now that he's been over 18.
00:20:59.290 --> 00:21:04.150
when he was a teenager there'd be times
where I'd call him and I'd be like, I
fucking wish you had your shit together.
00:21:04.180 --> 00:21:11.530
'cause this motherfucker right here,
you know, we would have conversations
and then he would, try to give support.
00:21:11.530 --> 00:21:13.330
But it wasn't always great support.
00:21:13.330 --> 00:21:18.550
'cause he didn't always back me
because he had too much frustration
and anger is still with himself for me.
00:21:18.550 --> 00:21:26.550
But as my son got older, like if I caught
him right now and said, Hey, our son just
talked to me like this Oh, he gonna be
like, oh hell no, I'm gonna talk to him.
00:21:26.550 --> 00:21:26.940
Right.
00:21:27.330 --> 00:21:32.920
Or, there was a point where my
son was very angry with both of
us, you know what I'm saying?
00:21:32.980 --> 00:21:35.530
And I could see why he
was angry with his father.
00:21:35.560 --> 00:21:37.330
Like their relationship wasn't the best.
00:21:37.720 --> 00:21:39.670
But for me, I did the best I could.
00:21:39.670 --> 00:21:40.060
Right.
00:21:40.180 --> 00:21:50.380
And so that is when me and his dad
would talk a lot and his dad would
also give me like, once he graduated,
like he was like, you know, that
was all you, you know what I mean?
00:21:50.380 --> 00:21:51.340
And you're right.
00:21:51.340 --> 00:21:52.180
My son shouldn't.
00:21:52.180 --> 00:21:57.790
And that's when he started realizing
the things that he said wrong
to our son when he was young.
00:21:58.315 --> 00:21:59.455
And not backing me.
00:21:59.455 --> 00:22:10.075
When I was at my most stressed and needed
the support because I was a single woman,
raising a young boy, trying to keep
him out of the streets, keep him out of
trouble, you know, providing support.
00:22:10.075 --> 00:22:19.595
And so, but then as my son got
older, me and his dad could co-parent
and have conversations because
sometimes we get the same backlash
and it'd be like, what the fuck?
00:22:19.655 --> 00:22:20.435
You know what I'm saying?
00:22:20.765 --> 00:22:23.855
But his dad would say like, nah, he
shouldn't be coming at you like that.
00:22:24.125 --> 00:22:25.205
You know, stuff like that.
00:22:25.235 --> 00:22:31.415
But I haven't talked to his dad
in, I don't even know how long,
like, we text each other on like
happy birthday type of thing.
00:22:31.745 --> 00:22:34.385
Every now and then his dad will
text or you know, Mike call.
00:22:34.385 --> 00:22:38.795
But I rarely answer because like, I
don't have to, you know what I mean?
00:22:39.065 --> 00:22:40.715
And it's not because I
don't but I hate him.
00:22:41.133 --> 00:22:42.673
Keya: our son is grown now,
00:22:42.735 --> 00:22:47.085
drea: and it's not because like I hate
him or I don't like him or anything
like that, you know what I'm saying?
00:22:47.445 --> 00:22:52.445
It's just that like, what do we
need to talk about, you know, or
if he texts me, be like, Hey, you
know, have you talked to our son?
00:22:52.445 --> 00:22:53.015
Where's our son?
00:22:53.015 --> 00:22:55.925
I'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, he's
doing this or he's doing that.
00:22:55.925 --> 00:23:02.505
You know, like every now and again, or if
my son's talking to him on FaceTime and
I happen to pull up or I'm right there,
he'd be like, mom, say hi to my dad.
00:23:02.505 --> 00:23:03.375
I'd be like, Hey, what's up?
00:23:03.405 --> 00:23:04.755
You know, type of thing.
00:23:05.095 --> 00:23:17.365
And I would even say too, like when my son
would go to California for like all the
holidays and school breaks and stuff like
that and stay with my grandma, his dad
literally would call him at my grandma's
house every single day from Texas.
00:23:17.635 --> 00:23:19.345
So they would talk a lot then too.
00:23:19.765 --> 00:23:24.475
But I didn't, I guess for me, I didn't
have to deal with the co-parenting.
00:23:24.565 --> 00:23:32.635
Now my very first relationship, I had
a deal with co-parenting, but there
was multiple baby mamas, multiple
children, you know what I'm saying?
00:23:32.665 --> 00:23:44.035
And then there was one time where the guy
I was dating, I found out when I had left
to go to the store, him and his nephew,
my son and his nephew did some shit and
broke some shit that belonged to the city.
00:23:44.185 --> 00:23:46.525
And then I guess he had spanked my son.
00:23:46.525 --> 00:23:48.625
And when I found out, I was like,
you don't fucking touch my kid.
00:23:49.025 --> 00:23:51.575
Like that you don't, you
don't, I don't give a fuck.
00:23:51.575 --> 00:23:55.655
You hit your kids, you hit
your nieces and nephews, but
that's not, we're not married.
00:23:55.655 --> 00:23:56.615
That's not your kid.
00:23:56.825 --> 00:23:57.635
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:23:58.085 --> 00:23:58.445
Keya: absolutely.
00:23:58.741 --> 00:24:03.091
drea: and so like, my son
probably doesn't remember, but I
always protected him from that.
00:24:03.091 --> 00:24:07.711
Like, if you gonna spank your kids, then
I'll spank mine if I feel I need to.
00:24:07.741 --> 00:24:09.751
'cause you're spanking
yours, but I'm gonna do it.
00:24:09.801 --> 00:24:12.801
I had to kind of deal with that
for a little short period of time.
00:24:12.801 --> 00:24:13.521
Not very long.
00:24:13.521 --> 00:24:15.411
Probably like six months a year if that.
00:24:15.901 --> 00:24:18.651
'cause for one, I've taught
it, I've read about it.
00:24:18.651 --> 00:24:19.611
I've studied it.
00:24:19.611 --> 00:24:20.991
I mean, I am a social worker, right?
00:24:21.381 --> 00:24:30.141
And I started my career with children
and families and having to teach
people co-parenting and healthy
relationships and how to discipline
your children and all those things.
00:24:30.141 --> 00:24:31.461
So I'm very skilled in it.
00:24:31.521 --> 00:24:32.181
I just didn't.
00:24:32.691 --> 00:24:44.901
Really have to deal with it in my life
because after I cut my ex, right, and
after that, I never had another man
even come close to living in my house.
00:24:44.901 --> 00:24:47.861
Like my son barely even met the
guy, you know what I'm saying?
00:24:48.101 --> 00:24:52.331
It took years and then when he did, he
never was in our household like that
00:24:52.441 --> 00:24:55.441
Keya: Yeah, I, I can definitely see that.
00:24:55.501 --> 00:24:56.071
I,
00:24:58.381 --> 00:25:04.021
I know that co-parenting is a one.
00:25:04.201 --> 00:25:27.841
If you have somebody who's stubborn
and narcissistic, who is still in
love with the other parents because
they will never be at a point where
they're thinking straight and saying,
Hey, let me put my child first.
00:25:27.841 --> 00:25:31.741
They will always find a
problem with the other spouse.
00:25:31.991 --> 00:25:39.071
because in their mind, it's
like, supposed to be me there.
00:25:39.311 --> 00:25:41.321
I'm not going to say that out loud.
00:25:41.321 --> 00:25:50.021
So in action, I'm going to make
waves and make trouble and your
household as much as I can.
00:25:50.471 --> 00:25:57.366
And that doesn't benefit anyone
because why do you wanna have
strife with the other parent?
00:25:58.526 --> 00:26:08.996
when it's already hard enough, children
are not in a home with the original
parents, and now they have four parents.
00:26:09.146 --> 00:26:12.236
And so why do you wanna
make that transition harder?
00:26:12.666 --> 00:26:21.996
would be my take on the
co-parenting issue because it,
it creates stress for everybody.
00:26:22.326 --> 00:26:34.806
And at the end of the day, whether you're
the parent causing the stress or trying to
diffuse it, why does anybody want stress
when having kids is stressful enough?
00:26:36.006 --> 00:26:40.806
So find a way to make it work.
00:26:40.866 --> 00:26:49.596
I know I always poise myself to
be like, yo, I have no issues you.
00:26:50.496 --> 00:27:01.026
I, if your kids need to call you
they don't have a phone, or their dad
is out, hey, they can use my phone.
00:27:01.026 --> 00:27:05.166
This is my phone number
so they can call you.
00:27:05.566 --> 00:27:06.736
you can call them.
00:27:07.456 --> 00:27:08.866
I'm always pick up.
00:27:09.296 --> 00:27:15.586
And, that mom was definitely
like a, if you need it, let.
00:27:15.946 --> 00:27:17.176
Yeah, I got you.
00:27:17.566 --> 00:27:18.826
Oh, you need me to do what?
00:27:18.886 --> 00:27:19.786
Okay, cool.
00:27:20.086 --> 00:27:44.266
And so I've seen healthy because I
fostered healthy, I've also seen the
unhealthy side because my kids' dad, his
first spouse, oh baby, she, my kids would
say she act like she hated them because
their dad was still in love with me.
00:27:44.956 --> 00:27:46.246
And so
00:27:46.283 --> 00:27:49.448
drea: I think that's why my son's
father's wife didn't like me either,
00:27:49.876 --> 00:27:50.626
Keya: yeah.
00:27:50.648 --> 00:27:53.018
drea: even though we had
been broke up for years.
00:27:53.438 --> 00:27:53.678
Yeah.
00:27:53.823 --> 00:27:57.068
'cause he literally called and asked
me, are you sure you don't want me?
00:27:57.118 --> 00:28:02.248
because if not, I gotta marry one
of you guys, you know, because
of these kids and expenses.
00:28:02.298 --> 00:28:03.378
I was like the hell out.
00:28:03.378 --> 00:28:04.098
she can have you.
00:28:04.098 --> 00:28:04.878
I don't want you.
00:28:05.448 --> 00:28:05.808
No.
00:28:05.808 --> 00:28:07.248
And you had a kid by somebody else.
00:28:07.248 --> 00:28:08.178
Absolutely not.
00:28:08.448 --> 00:28:09.378
Absolutely not.
00:28:09.881 --> 00:28:10.951
Keya: Absolutely not.
00:28:11.276 --> 00:28:13.106
And that's that.
00:28:13.106 --> 00:28:27.926
It's like when you have situations like
that, I'll always say like Drea did just
choose to be the parent who is trying
create amicable, amicable situation.
00:28:27.926 --> 00:28:32.456
Because if not, it doesn't help anybody.
00:28:32.936 --> 00:28:36.446
And those kids going to
00:28:38.486 --> 00:28:41.006
and hit.
00:28:41.471 --> 00:28:43.571
Everybody against everybody.
00:28:43.571 --> 00:28:45.101
So be adults.
00:28:45.791 --> 00:28:46.901
Be adults,
00:28:47.508 --> 00:28:48.018
drea: Right.
00:28:49.151 --> 00:28:51.821
Keya: the children together,
00:28:51.928 --> 00:28:59.938
drea: Now I will say this, now that
you're talking and thinking about
like other kids, My son has a little
sister and she's always known about me
and I've talked to her on the phone.
00:28:59.938 --> 00:29:02.718
And, when she's come out
here when she was little,
00:29:03.028 --> 00:29:06.598
Like I met her Like his little
sister always had respect for me.
00:29:06.598 --> 00:29:11.278
So I know that even, you know, whether
her mom, cared for me or whatever.
00:29:11.578 --> 00:29:15.718
I will say that his sister was
always very sweet, respectful.
00:29:16.048 --> 00:29:18.268
You know, I know who she
is to this day, right?
00:29:18.268 --> 00:29:19.918
She knows that I'm his mom.
00:29:20.298 --> 00:29:30.348
and so I will say that although I never
met his wife and I think that she had
some issues, she must have not really
said anything bad really about me because
her daughter never treated me bad.
00:29:30.628 --> 00:29:34.338
and my son never said anything, you
know, bad about his, his, stepmom.
00:29:34.608 --> 00:29:42.658
So I will say that, you know, 'cause
I have met his sister and I have,
even talked her on the phone even
when they started getting older,
like say hi, stuff like that.
00:29:42.708 --> 00:29:43.668
so I thought that was good.
00:29:43.668 --> 00:29:54.428
It's not even like, some kids never know
their brother or sister, other sibling is,
you know, I mean, parent is like, yeah, my
son, they, yeah, no, his sister is sweet.
00:29:55.831 --> 00:29:56.731
Keya: I love that.
00:29:56.791 --> 00:30:07.671
and that's also a positive, like
you said, my stepmom may have felt
a way, but she didn't stand in the
way of the sibling relationship.
00:30:08.661 --> 00:30:17.211
and that's another part of co-parenting
because what if that other spouse
on either side has more children?
00:30:18.531 --> 00:30:30.731
these children are going to be going
into a space of, oh, well this mom and
dad here of these kids, allow this.
00:30:30.821 --> 00:30:37.121
And then my mom or dad with
their other spouse who may
not have kids, don't allow us.
00:30:37.121 --> 00:30:43.241
So then now the kids are getting
angry at each other for something
that the adults have set up.
00:30:43.241 --> 00:30:48.421
And one set of children are feeling
like the favorites, and one is
feeling like, oh, they don't love me.
00:30:48.691 --> 00:31:01.831
So then now you're creating whole
problems in these set of children's
heads when it's like, just come to
the table and be adults your children.
00:31:02.641 --> 00:31:03.391
That's
00:31:03.503 --> 00:31:08.333
drea: I agree because I will say this, my
son's an only child on, my side, right?
00:31:08.753 --> 00:31:13.103
But he is got a stepbrother who's close
in his age and he is got a little sister.
00:31:13.663 --> 00:31:15.763
I will say though, that as he got older.
00:31:16.648 --> 00:31:27.538
He kind of saw, I think that at times
he did struggle because like those
other kids, even his stepbrother, like
for his stepbrother, his stepbrother
was like, oh, that's my dad.
00:31:27.538 --> 00:31:30.178
Yeah, because it is that your stepdad.
00:31:30.178 --> 00:31:34.668
But at times I think my son felt like they
were closer, which they lived together.
00:31:34.668 --> 00:31:36.108
So that would make more sense.
00:31:36.158 --> 00:31:43.688
and so I think that at times I'm
sure that caused, some issues for my
son at times, you know what I mean?
00:31:44.078 --> 00:31:47.468
'cause my son would say, well I
think he likes my step bullets
'cause he sees him all the time.
00:31:47.468 --> 00:31:49.238
You know, or reassuring him.
00:31:49.238 --> 00:31:54.258
But I do know that one time my son's
father was like, well my stepson,
that's 'cause he fucking lives with you.
00:31:54.258 --> 00:31:56.238
Like that's why he
probably listens better.
00:31:56.238 --> 00:31:56.898
You know what I mean?
00:31:57.238 --> 00:31:57.458
Keya: Yes.
00:31:57.659 --> 00:32:04.079
drea: and trying to get like when
my son did go visit, like try to
have separate times because these
other kids see you all the time.
00:32:04.219 --> 00:32:05.269
little things like that.
00:32:05.269 --> 00:32:11.869
So I think there probably was some
things back then, but my son was young
and couldn't really articulate it then.
00:32:11.869 --> 00:32:14.629
But I can see it at
times when he got older.
00:32:14.839 --> 00:32:28.009
So that kind of stuff is important too,
because when you do co-parent, that one
kid may not be living with the other
parent and they might be the one coming
over on the weekends or in the summers,
00:32:28.059 --> 00:32:35.139
And I think that parents need to
remember that too, is like how to
find ways to give the equal time for
the child who's the absent child.
00:32:37.203 --> 00:32:38.163
Keya: Absolutely.
00:32:38.253 --> 00:32:39.483
I totally agree.
00:32:39.793 --> 00:32:47.023
and like you said in the case of,
hey, this child only sees this
other parent, times outta the year?
00:32:47.053 --> 00:32:48.763
'cause maybe it's the weekend.
00:32:48.763 --> 00:33:04.568
So yes, you have all these other
children in the other household full
time, but take this child and, explain
to the other kids that, Hey, mommy or
daddy has to go here with this one.
00:33:04.693 --> 00:33:05.423
explain it.
00:33:07.063 --> 00:33:11.433
So they can understand that you guys
get mommy and daddy all the time.
00:33:11.803 --> 00:33:16.583
but mommy or daddy now has to take
your brother, your sister, out,
00:33:18.803 --> 00:33:20.483
for this little time.
00:33:20.483 --> 00:33:23.543
And then create a time for family time.
00:33:23.813 --> 00:33:38.683
Because I know for me, with my
second, I always made it a point
to be like, nah, like go, I'll keep
my boys here, but y'all go just go.
00:33:38.713 --> 00:33:47.443
'cause I understand that they need
that 'cause you're here with mine full
time, so go whatever y'all do, go.
00:33:47.443 --> 00:33:51.283
And then we'll have the
next day as the family day.
00:33:51.283 --> 00:33:57.373
And that created fostered
a positive dynamic because,
00:33:59.593 --> 00:34:10.783
my bonus kids didn't feel left out
or didn't feel like, you know, my
kids were getting more of the time
because, you know, we stayed together.
00:34:11.053 --> 00:34:35.283
So also knowing that they're going to
want that time with their father And also,
a lot of times he would say, because we
lived on opposite sides of the valley,
My bonus kids, other parent that that
car ride, was their time, you know?
00:34:35.283 --> 00:34:45.693
So it didn't look like they were
doing some big old special activity,
although my boys always knew, 'cause
I always just explained it to 'em,
like, you know, that's their dad.
00:34:45.693 --> 00:34:46.833
They haven't seen their dad.
00:34:46.833 --> 00:34:48.753
Like, you see your mom all the time.
00:34:49.143 --> 00:34:57.313
So the car ride from that side of town
to our side of town, they would stop
and, get something to eat or do this.
00:34:57.313 --> 00:34:59.323
So they had all that time to catch up.
00:34:59.713 --> 00:35:22.553
And so that's another part of the
co-parenting aspect that I do see a
lot of people get jealous and, throw
the, well, you don't do that for my
kids and you don't do that for my, and
that's not needed because the other
set of kids are not there full time.
00:35:23.183 --> 00:35:36.663
So make them feel less than, create a
space where those set of kids can spend
time with their parent, is how I feel.
00:35:39.209 --> 00:35:40.469
drea: That's really important.
00:35:40.499 --> 00:35:45.269
And I love that you were a
woman enough to acknowledge
that and you put the kids first.
00:35:45.299 --> 00:35:53.039
I mean you generally have a love
for children regardless, but you
put the kids first and you looked
at what would work for them, what
is healthy, you know what I mean?
00:35:53.039 --> 00:35:58.229
And you weren't one of those jealous
wives of, you know, you need to
love my kids more type of thing.
00:35:58.649 --> 00:35:59.459
They were very important.
00:35:59.489 --> 00:36:04.529
'cause there is people who are
jealous of people's kids, you
know, I've seen it, I've heard it.
00:36:04.859 --> 00:36:09.179
So that could be a whole nother topic,
but my gosh, I don't be understanding it.
00:36:09.179 --> 00:36:17.519
Like, how you gonna be jealous of somebody
else kid when you chose to be in this
relationship and knowing that they
had kids like, don't make sense to me.
00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:21.959
But, you know, that's probably another
topic for another time for our people.
00:36:23.488 --> 00:36:23.838
Keya: right?
00:36:23.898 --> 00:36:24.398
For both.
00:36:24.818 --> 00:36:40.533
Oh, but another piece of this
co-parenting is, was the question
born out of the new spouse coming
in, being jealous of that kid.
00:36:41.853 --> 00:36:43.653
So is this new
00:36:43.839 --> 00:36:49.809
drea: There's so many different,
yeah, like is that parent who's
struggling with them getting
married and how it's gonna work?
00:36:49.809 --> 00:36:51.729
Like, is there something
that's already went down?
00:36:52.059 --> 00:36:52.719
You know what I mean?
00:36:52.719 --> 00:36:56.259
Is, is do they feel like their child's
being left out of something already?
00:36:56.259 --> 00:36:58.119
Like there could, there's
so many parts to this.
00:36:58.479 --> 00:37:05.199
when it comes to how to answer it, I think
we've done a pretty good job answering it
on a surface level or different examples.
00:37:05.499 --> 00:37:24.039
But if the person who asked the question,
if there's something more specific or a
situation, or what they think that person
might be feeling, definitely let us know
so we can kind of chime in and, 'cause
we can always, piggyback back on it on
another episode if there's more to this
question or a situation I should say.
00:37:25.018 --> 00:37:42.833
Keya: because that makes a whole lot of
difference if you feel like something
has happened to your child, which is why
you don't want the new incoming spouse
involved, that's a whole different
bag than we've discussed today.
00:37:44.749 --> 00:37:45.619
drea: Absolutely.
00:37:48.197 --> 00:37:51.947
Vonnie: I think that was very
informative, especially for
someone like me who's not a parent.
00:37:51.947 --> 00:37:58.797
Just seeing all of that that
goes into co-parenting and just
the different aspects that you
guys have to take with that.
00:38:00.161 --> 00:38:01.346
drea: I think it's a level of respect.
00:38:01.346 --> 00:38:12.626
I will say this, because when I did
date the guy with all the kids and baby
mamas and like, there'd be birthday
parties, like most of them would all
show up to the party too, you know.
00:38:13.196 --> 00:38:29.069
but when I was a kid, my uncle, who
I respect like he had my two cousins,
and he got custody of both of them
from their mothers and he was married
and so I watched him have to navigate.
00:38:29.789 --> 00:38:31.679
Co-parenting to a point, right?
00:38:32.079 --> 00:38:37.249
but I'll never forget, like there
was like a, a, a, party at his
house and his wife was there.
00:38:37.249 --> 00:38:39.259
Both, both baby mamas was there.
00:38:39.259 --> 00:38:45.039
Like, it was like, I dare y'all,
I dare y'all to not get along or
act a way without that being said.
00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:54.653
Now, the conversation, I don't know if
it was had before or what, let me just
tell you, they all dealt with each other,
whether they talked or not, but there
was no problem, no friction, no issues.
00:38:54.683 --> 00:38:56.213
he was the custodial parent.
00:38:56.243 --> 00:38:57.173
I always looked at that.
00:38:57.173 --> 00:39:02.813
so when I did get in a relationship
and we were all there, I was like,
oh, I guess this might be normal.
00:39:02.813 --> 00:39:06.863
Until like, of course that situation
got toxic 'cause of his kid's mom.
00:39:06.863 --> 00:39:08.453
But that's another story.
00:39:08.563 --> 00:39:11.773
I feel like that was amazing for
his wife who had no children by him.
00:39:12.103 --> 00:39:12.523
Right.
00:39:13.003 --> 00:39:17.933
And then she's helping raise
his two children that he got
custody of why they were married.
00:39:18.593 --> 00:39:24.803
And then there was a few family
parties where either both baby moms
were there or one other one was there.
00:39:24.803 --> 00:39:25.463
You know what I mean?
00:39:25.823 --> 00:39:27.306
Um, and it was just one of those things.
00:39:27.443 --> 00:39:29.273
you know, there was no drama.
00:39:29.805 --> 00:39:39.375
Keya: That's amazing like that
you said that because I think I
have this stance on that I have.
00:39:39.405 --> 00:39:41.295
'cause I seen my mama do it.
00:39:41.625 --> 00:39:44.985
So like you said, like
I, we've always seen it.
00:39:45.465 --> 00:40:02.605
We've never named it because my daddy
got two and some other kids, and my
mama helped raise him and my mama
got along with both sets of parent,
like the mothers of those children.
00:40:03.055 --> 00:40:14.545
And my sister, she, like her
mama would come pick me up
um, my sister's graduation.
00:40:14.545 --> 00:40:20.405
She took her to Vegas and she paid for my
ticket to go there to be with my sister.
00:40:20.405 --> 00:40:23.195
So it all my life.
00:40:23.585 --> 00:40:38.045
I've never seen my mama have an
issue with other kids had an issue
with talking to the mother of them
other kids, and my mama took care
of them kids like they were her own.
00:40:38.855 --> 00:40:40.955
is, I'm glad you brought that up, Andrea.
00:40:40.985 --> 00:40:44.545
'cause Yeah, we've seen whole lives, huh?
00:40:45.505 --> 00:40:45.955
Yeah,
00:40:46.705 --> 00:40:47.125
that,
00:40:48.368 --> 00:40:50.628
drea: either saw it healthy
or we saw it unhealthy, right?
00:40:51.018 --> 00:40:55.278
Because sometimes some, some
people's situation may not
be healthy, like what we saw.
00:40:55.638 --> 00:40:56.178
But you're right.
00:40:56.178 --> 00:41:03.108
It's like now that you think
about it, like you kind of mimic,
you know what, what you did see
that wasn't a bad thing, right?
00:41:03.528 --> 00:41:07.308
Because it's not bad to take, like
if you generally love people, right?
00:41:07.668 --> 00:41:10.998
Like how can you not end up
loving someone else's child?
00:41:11.448 --> 00:41:11.718
You know?
00:41:11.718 --> 00:41:15.701
There's people who, who adopt, who
love, a child that they didn't birth.
00:41:15.701 --> 00:41:24.034
Or you can totally love someone else's
child and not take away from that
other parent that's theirs, you know?
00:41:24.034 --> 00:41:32.554
And I would hope that you get
into a relationship where your
spouse or significant other
generally loves your child too.
00:41:32.584 --> 00:41:35.854
Because to me, that's a good person.
00:41:36.184 --> 00:41:36.874
You know what I mean?
00:41:37.324 --> 00:41:40.624
That I can understand you not
liking my kid when they're a
teenager and they're assholes.
00:41:40.684 --> 00:41:40.984
You know?
00:41:41.074 --> 00:41:44.304
I'm not saying that part, but I'm
saying like generally their wellbeing.
00:41:44.334 --> 00:41:44.994
You know what I mean?
00:41:45.294 --> 00:41:52.044
Like, you're willing to go pick my
kid up from school or take them to
their practice, or you know, care
about what their day looks like.
00:41:52.044 --> 00:41:53.124
Give me a call.
00:41:53.124 --> 00:41:54.054
You know what I'm saying?
00:41:54.076 --> 00:41:54.796
Keya: yes.
00:41:55.944 --> 00:41:57.534
drea: thing, you know?
00:41:58.011 --> 00:41:58.231
Keya: Yep.
00:41:59.613 --> 00:42:03.638
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