WEBVTT
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Hi guys, it's Carrie and Susie.
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And welcome to an early morning episode of We Might Get in Trouble for This.
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We have so much to jump into.
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Do you mind if I jump in a little bit?
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Go for it.
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Go for it.
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Okay.
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So I need to the the listeners have been on this journey and we have sad news today.
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Um sad news is that me and Baby Jesus needed to break up with Cheffy uh this week.
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And I won't go into all the details about that, but I know people want to know why.
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I want to know why.
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I'm still questioning it, but um basically it was a year's worth of dating in like 35 days.
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It was uh the best of times, the worst of times, every rom-com, every lifetime movie, every drama.
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And I just came to the conclusion that my nervous system is not comfortable around him, basically.
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Uh, but he is the most fun of any of the guys this summer.
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He's the most charismatic, he's the most like attractive.
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Oh, he's the most, the most, the most, but yet that still doesn't equal moving forward.
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And it's been like heroin.
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It's literally been like heroin.
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It's been harder than the pirate, harder than Orange County, like a hundred times.
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And I'm acting like a girl that I don't know.
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Like I'm literally acting like a girl that's like block him, unblock him.
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And then he sends me a song.
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And then he like this morning is like, wherever you are, your puppy will always be thinking about you.
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And here's the thing with this guy, if we remember, he was the bad boy energy, like we talked about.
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And I somehow had it in my psyche that I would win a prize for getting him to commit to me, like my 20s, and he did commit to me, and he wanted to be all in, and that's still not enough because he's not the same equally godly man uh that I need, but I'm having a troublesome time just letting him go.
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It's really difficult.
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So that's where we are on that, in case you want to comment.
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Nope, you're good?
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Should I move on?
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I mean, I'm so excited, but I don't want to comment.
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I want Eden to comment whenever you're ready.
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No, okay.
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So let me introduce Eden.
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So today we have a very special guest.
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Um and the reason why it's so special to me is because she's my dear, dear friend, Eden.
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But here's the thing I think is so awesome, millennial gen X, about this.
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We are very confident women in our lives.
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A lot of women like me are top of our game, grind, grind, grind, raise the kids, make the money, do the things.
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And then we have nobody to punch in our bulletproof armor.
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And then we say, I'm good, I'm healed, I'm whole, I know everything about myself, I'm great, I'm gonna enter into the dating world again.
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I had no idea, literally, joking aside, I can make a joke about this, but what a 17-year-old to 25-year-old woman I still am in the dating world.
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And these men are 12 to 18 emotionally.
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So what I discovered on this journey was there's um so much I needed to know, so much I needed to learn.
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And reading the books weren't helping, and all the things weren't helping.
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And I was talking to my friend who's a professional coach, Eden, who's just gotten married to the love of her life, and I'm like, you did it right.
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How did you do it right?
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What did you do?
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And she introduced me to this thing, which we're gonna talk about today.
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Um, I would call it attachment styles, right, Eden?
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Attachment styles.
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We'll put this in the show notes.
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I took this quiz and discovered my attachment style, and I can't believe I sound like Oprah or Mel Robbins right now, but it was so real.
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My attachment style, like anxious, preoccupied, it showed a light on who I am in the dating world in such a major way that I started working with Eden almost like therapy slash coach slash 911 emergency.
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And I realized that I she's different than a friend.
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She's different than some of my girlfriends, uh, because we've used neuroscience and she doesn't ever say what I think she's gonna say.
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Because I have like the enabling friends, and you know who you are, Tammy.
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And I give out a Susie shout out to Texas and a Susie to LA.
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Those are my three, those are my three rider dies, and I'm gonna get three different opinions, right?
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Um and then if I call Eden, she's more like a very scientific, calming approach.
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She's not gonna say what I want to hear necessarily, she will definitely say what I need to hear.
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So today we have Eden with us to discuss this whole concept of being a dating coach, Eden.
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Um, and also this concept of attachment, uh all these different attachment styles.
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It's mind-blowing to me.
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So welcome, Eden.
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Hello.
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I'm so excited.
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I also I love you, Melan, I love you, Oprah.
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But I'm so excited, Eden.
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Oh my gosh, I've been I love the attachment, the whole concept behind it, and it's so exciting.
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Tell us all your things.
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Sure.
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Well, thank you for having me.
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Um, Carrie has been a great friend for I don't know, 15 years.
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Yes, maybe.
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We mostly been long distance friends.
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She came and did a show at my church years and years ago and became kindred spirits.
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We did, yeah, got put on your previous.
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How very antibreaking.
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Well, we spent like three days together though, and then I came back for Carrot's party.
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And so we we've been in the same, not just for a show, we spent like a retreat and definitely retreat.
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Yes, like kindred spirits when you meet somebody and you're like, you think like me, you act like me.
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And so, as she's been coaching me in the dating thing, which I think is one of the best things about you, Eden, is you've done all the mistakes, so you're so compassionate to go, oh yeah, girl, I did that.
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So, um how you got into the dating space and attachment stuff is what I want to know how you got into that.
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Okay, yeah.
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So I am 42.
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I'm actually gonna be 43 next week.
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October babies! Happy birthday! Thank you.
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And um my husband is 40, and we are both like we're single, never been married, no kids.
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And so we like in the Christian world, that's like we're like basically grandparents, but like what happened?
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Like, why didn't you get married?
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And so um, for me, I always realized like for whatever reason I struggle with confidence in the dating world.
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Um, like Carrie was saying, like, I felt very similar, like, man, I am like 15, 16 when it comes to dating emotionally speaking, and I was watch all these other people like have these really strong, confident, amazing relationships.
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And I would think, what's wrong with me?
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Why can't I get that?
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I don't understand.
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And I had some really, really tumultuous, painful, ugly, hard, hard situations in my life where I asked myself, why am I trusting these completely untrustworthy people?
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I have great discernment in every other area of my life, but when it comes to relationships, why am I such a hot mess?
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And so um I had a really rough, rough ending from like, I need to write a book about it breakup.
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And um I decided to go to this um, like I was one of the staff pastors at my church at the time.
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I decided to go to this therapy place for two weeks.
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A lot of pastors do it in Colorado.
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Amazing life-changing experience there at Crosswalk, I believe.
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No, crossroads counseling is what it's called in of the Rockies, and changed my life.
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And so we started doing a lot of um EMDR therapy.
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We did a lot of like Henry Cloud and Um Townsend.
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Get this, they did a like the DVD of like straight up when they were in the 90s, like they were like old school with it.
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They're like, we just like this one better.
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So it was hilarious.
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Um I discovered through the whole process is I had there's attachment styles, and I had what's called anxious attachment.
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And there's four different styles: there's anxious, there's avoidant, there's disorganized, and secure.
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So it's not a personality type.
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You can like the the healthy one would be secure, which is dependent on how you were raised and any other extraneous things that may have happened in your childhood or adolescence.
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And there's some people who had great parents, but maybe there was a catastrophic event that happened.
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And um, for whatever reason, you don't attach well.
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And you find, I for me, I found secure people extremely boring.
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So I was not attracted to anybody healthy, I was only attracted to chaos.
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So I went on a journey of becoming what's called earn secure and started um with therapy, reading a lot of books, healing, doing a lot of hard, hard work to get there.
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Amazing.
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That's amazing.
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And like go ahead, Zeus.
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The root, um, what so the root of these attachment kind of how what would you call them?
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These type, I guess, types of attachment.
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Um do they when do they form?
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Like, um, can they form during infancy?
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We all obviously know there's some developmental things that can really happen at infancy that are really challenging, or um, do they develop different at different times between the different genders?
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Um I have so many questions on it.
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And are they always catastrophic events or like capital T trauma?
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Or can it all be just kind of from little T traumas throughout your life?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, that's a good question.
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You know, and I don't know all of the answers to the um like history of it, but I know it can happen in childhood and adolescence.
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Um, like for example, like I I haven't done enough research on the like in utero, but possible.
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Um, some of the the books that I've read and some of the studying I've done, one of it um it happened when she was a baby and her parents were in a car accident, and then she didn't want anyone to touch her, and then she did not make a secure bond with her parents, which then later on made it like so difficult to enter relationships.
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For me, um, you know, I believe my parents did the best they could, but I had a mentally ill mother.
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My father was an immigrant from Thailand, and so he was like working 24-7.
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My needs, my like emotional needs weren't really being met.
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You'd have to like perform, like I did all these things in order for you to get loved.
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And so, one of the things Dr.
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Townsend says, like, when you're a child and you bring a picture to your family member, you drew it, and he's like, Oh my gosh, this is the best picture I've ever seen in my life.
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This needs to be framed, it needs to be in an art museum.
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That's when your internal validator starts getting formed inside.
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And I didn't know people had an internal validator.
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I full on did not know that.
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Yeah.
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Because I saw these confident people who knew they could be amazing, and I wanted to believe that about myself, but I was relying on external validation, somebody else saying how amazing I was, incredible.
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I and so when you don't have that internal validator, which later on you can build, but if you have no idea that you don't that people have one and that you don't have one, right?
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But can I ask you a question, Edan?
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Sure.
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So I am anxious, preoccupied, which is definitely all the I have all the symptoms of someone who's like needs that validation from outside sources.
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I I had the ultimate internal validator my entire childhood, though.
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It's so interesting to me.
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My father would have put my picture on the fridge, my mother would have put my picture on the fridge.
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So I think it goes to show like you could still be that attachment style and not have that kind of childhood that you remember.
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And we we had talked about it that mine could have been triggered a little bit in midlife, like adolescence, but also being in a marriage where even as an adult, I didn't feel secure because I had the ultimate security from mom and dad.
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Like ultimate, like you are you are end game, you are 10, 10, 10, 10.
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But something didn't translate into my adult life, and I married someone who struggled with mental illness.
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That's not a secret.
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But uh, it's really funny when you say that because you know what I mean, it just goes to show it's not all like textbook exactly.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I just was like, you know what, let me just look it up because, like, like you know, Susie was talking about like there's little T trauma and big T trauma, like there's different things can happen.
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Um, they say attachment is developed during the first two years of life.
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Wow, and there is some pre-attachment, birth to six weeks, uh, attachment in the making, six weeks to seven months, clear-cut attachment, seven to twenty founds, and then later on, reciprocal relationships, 24 and older.
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So I mean, it's like we're never gonna know.
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I think the best thing is we just deal like Susie, what I did, is I just jumped in and was like, I know I am this.
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And the thing that I keep saying over and over to Eden is like, I want to change, I want to change.
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And what she keeps saying, and we can talk more about this, is you have to do the work.
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It's not a kill.
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It's not um, you know, Susie, it's like your journey.
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We've talked about people with ADHD, right?
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Like it's like so, Eden, do you want to expand on what doing the work looks like?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
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So um, it's hard.
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I guess it's hard as hell.
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Um, yeah, it's really challenging.
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Um, I think like for me, so anxious attachment oftentimes will look like insecurity at first.
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You need a lot of reassurances from your partner or potential partner.
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Um, like if you don't hear from them, you can feel like wild, like like cray cray.
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And um, you can get triggered very, very easily.
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You can get very um magnetic with like an avoidant, it's like considered like the magnet.
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And probably if you haven't figured it out, but you think it would stop.
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Yes, I've heard about that.
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Yeah, that they're like magnets to each other, the avoidant and the anxious.
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In the beginning, in the beginning, and I dated before my husband, my last boyfriend I dated was a severe avoidant.
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So in the beginning, it's so magical.
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You're like, I've never even felt like this before.
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This is crazy.
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But what ends up happening is like in the beginning, you're meeting the needs that each other didn't have.
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So you're getting all the praise and encouragement that you didn't have from whatever reason.
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We carry an anomaly, we're still trying to figure out where because her parents were golden, and which praise Jesus.
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We we love parents that are present, but for whatever reason, there's some form of a deficit.
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And so then the avoidant whose needs weren't met as a child because their parent was always unavailable, busy, whatever.
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So they learn to minimize their needs.
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So this anxious attachment partner is giving them all of the things, all of the attention, all of everything they need.
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So they're getting their needs met where they've been severely deficit.
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So it's like this.
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Well, then the avoidant doesn't know how to act, and they start, they're like, this feels suffocating, and they start going away.
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And that's the worst thing you could do to an anxious attachment person.
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They're like, Well, what do you mean?
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I'm gonna do this thing over here, so you come back, or or whatever the case may be.
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Eventually, it doesn't work.
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So doing the work is saying to yourself, it doesn't matter about this other person, what they think, what they need, whatever, right now.
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What matters is that I build myself.
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I like to liken it to a desert.
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So if you're like a desert and you're you're like thirsty, you need, you need like in order to like make the soil something you could use, you need to put a lot of water on it, right?
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So if you're if you're one of these attachment styles, I'm very most familiar with anxious, my lived experience, and all my work.
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Anxious attachment, you're somebody, some man comes by with a pail of water, you're like, Oh my gosh, I need more.
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Where did that come from?
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But I like to say when you start building your own self, you start watering your own place, and then pretty soon you become your own personal waterfall.
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And then it doesn't matter if some wonderful person comes along who's whatever, like if they're um avoidant or whatever, they pour a bucket of water, you're like, Well, that was nice, but it didn't change my life.
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So doing the work means becoming your own internal validator.
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All of the encouragement that you don't have, you become your own encourager.
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It's hard when you have had your whole life doing it another way, though.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Yeah.
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And also when we're not dating, the light isn't shined on us because we have not let anyone into that sacred space where you could hurt me.
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I know my kids are always gonna be there.
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I feel like my parents are always gonna be there.
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And most likely my friends are most of my friends are always gonna be there.
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So you you just jump into this deep end, Susie, of like, oh crap, I might accidentally give my heart away to somebody who's gonna walk away in a week.
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Like you're just jumping into this cool.
00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:13.680
And as a Christian, it's even harder, you know?
00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:14.160
Yeah.
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:15.680
Totally.
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:23.039
It's interesting because I wonder if the attachment styles can also, I would assume they would kind of coincide with people's love language.
00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:24.079
Right?
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:28.400
So if someone has anxious attachment, right?
00:19:28.799 --> 00:19:33.039
And already their love language is words, words, words, words, right?
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:34.079
Isn't that a love language?
00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:35.759
Right?
00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:51.519
So not only is it even more so, not only is it just anxiety anxious attachment of I want them to reach out to me, it's also like I want them to reach out to me and then I want them to say these things, right?
00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:51.920
Right.
00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.160
Or is that kind of the same?
00:19:55.200 --> 00:19:57.200
You know, I've never considered that.
00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:04.319
I mean, there could definitely be a like coinciding um situation.
00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:16.799
I think the biggest thing is like whatever your needs are, you're not expecting someone else to meet them before you're secure within your own self to meet your own needs.
00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:20.079
But how do you how do you handle these love bombers, Edan?
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:32.000
Like, I don't know if it's like break up with them immediately or like be we always say cool your jets, but like even last night, I was chatting with someone and we had one phone call, right?
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:33.440
One phone call.
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:35.680
And he texted me this morning.
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:41.119
We were listening to the song Sailing, and we were talking about how that's like an escape, you know?
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:43.119
And he wrote, I get it now.
00:20:43.279 --> 00:20:45.440
I'll be your soft place to land.
00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:50.480
And immediately, and he's nice, and he's a lawyer, and he's security, he's like a nice gentleman.
00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:53.279
But I'm like, bro, you just met me.
00:20:53.359 --> 00:21:02.160
And I I think that I'm dealing with this over and over and over of attracting the same kind of guy that can't like just be chill.
00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:05.119
Like, I I didn't even respond to it, Eden.
00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:06.559
Do you know what I mean?
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:10.079
And then the other guy that was like, tell me your retirement plans and tell me your life.
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:12.400
I just ended up saying goodbye and good wishes.
00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:17.200
But how do I, like in this particular instance, this guy, we'll call him lawyer guy.
00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:18.640
We have nicknames for all the guys.
00:21:19.039 --> 00:21:21.680
He's like, I get it, I'll be your soft place to land.
00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:22.960
I figured it out.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:27.039
I and I don't want to like be mean, but what do I even say to them?
00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:36.960
Yeah, so you know, we have talked about, like, I mean, I've I've watched your videos about Gen X loving love bombing.
00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:41.359
And I um I had um what's the word?
00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:52.640
Countered the thought by saying, yeah, but in back in like the 80s and 90s, we also weren't really aware of emotional regulation or how to be healthy.
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:54.240
We didn't know what narcissism was.
00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:56.640
You know, like we didn't know all those things.
00:21:56.799 --> 00:22:02.079
So as much as I love the Gen X life and Appreciate some analog things.
00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:05.599
There is some beautiful things we've learned along the way.
00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:10.160
Um, I just did a little search, like why do people love bomb?
00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:18.559
And it said a quick gain of control, emotional security dependence, or to manage their own deep insecurities.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:25.200
Love bombing means someone showering with overwhelming affection, praise, or constant attention early in the relationship.
00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:30.720
While it feels amazing at first, it often is the first step of an emotional manipulation.
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:31.359
Yes.
00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:40.400
So in this in this specific instance, how would you advise me, or as you like to say, invite me to respond to something like that?
00:22:40.559 --> 00:22:42.000
Because I have no response.
00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:46.079
Like in my gut, I think this guy's gonna be a little bit too much for me.
00:22:46.160 --> 00:23:00.400
I like I can, you know, you're always like be Eden's like open yourself to open-minded, but I already feel like he wants to, he's already showered me with all these like things about me.
00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:04.559
And I'm growing, I'm growing, Eden, because I'm not falling for it.
00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:05.519
You are.
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:07.519
It's like water off a duck's back.
00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:09.519
You're like, I love that phrase.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:10.400
Yes.
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:14.880
You're like, oh, when if somebody be like, oh, you're so beautiful.
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:16.960
I you know, I'm like, thanks.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:19.200
Like, you're not blind, great.
00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:22.240
If he's like, though, he's like, I'll be your soft place to land.
00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:23.680
What do you say to a okay?
00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:26.240
Yeah, you can just be like, I guess we'll see.
00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:27.599
Yeah, or or not respond.
00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:29.839
My response was like, not to respond.
00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:32.720
Or I'll be like the, but I can you can be playful with it.
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:34.160
I'm like, the jury's out.
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:35.039
Time will tell.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:37.680
Like, let's let's find out.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:46.880
Let's, you know, like it's so interesting comparing because Eden has has invited me to compare and to be open to talking.
00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:54.000
So I had two phone conversations last night with two men that were new on the scene, Susie.
00:23:54.240 --> 00:23:54.640
Uh-huh.
00:23:55.119 --> 00:23:58.000
And one of them just felt so much.
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:03.519
I keep repeating to myself, I want a man who makes my central nervous system feel secure.
00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:04.319
Yeah, yeah.
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:10.480
And it's not the love bombing that does it, it's this like normalcy, but still a little bit funny.
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:12.319
Like, like normalcy.
00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:15.599
Um this is my morning today.
00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:22.079
So Cheffy is texting me these savage, read into it, love, whatever.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:26.799
And this other normal guy, we were talking about a band that we both like.
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:27.440
Yeah.
00:24:27.599 --> 00:24:29.039
And so Chicago.
00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:30.880
And we were like, oh my gosh, great band.
00:24:31.200 --> 00:24:34.400
I will slay you with 80s songs that I sent him an 80s song last night.
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:39.200
This morning, he he responds, not right away, like he waits 20, you know, 12 hours.
00:24:39.279 --> 00:24:41.519
He goes, Oh my gosh, that was so great.
00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:43.039
I love Peterson Tara.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:44.160
How about this one?
00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:49.920
Like, so much different and calming, but still like nice and sweet.
00:24:50.240 --> 00:24:57.279
And then so it's just like uh, and then the other guy, lawyer guy, is like, I figured out I'm your self-placed to land.
00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:59.119
I'm like, calm, calmate.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:00.960
That's what I want to say now.
00:25:01.119 --> 00:25:02.559
So I think I'm growing, Eden.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:04.799
I think you're totally growing.
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:11.519
Because remember, some of the other you were like, I'm gonna block someone, or if they don't respond in like two hours.
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:12.960
You know what I mean?
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:13.839
Yeah, I'm growing.
00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:14.480
I'm growing.
00:25:14.720 --> 00:25:15.920
Yeah, because that's great.
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:17.359
Because I mean, two hours.
00:25:17.839 --> 00:25:21.599
Someone could have, you know, have an upset tum tum.
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:23.119
You know what I mean?
00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:29.759
No, yeah, but when you're an anxious attachment person, it becomes safety to you.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:33.839
Like I control the narrative if I'm the one who cuts it off.
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:41.200
I'm gonna cut it off before you go over here hurting me and this unknown, and it makes me crazy feeling.
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:44.480
And so it it becomes, it takes over.
00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:47.279
And so then it's almost like physical.
00:25:47.359 --> 00:25:52.960
I've called Eden and I go, Chefie makes my it's not butterflies' anxiety.
00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:57.440
Like you think it's butterflies, and then you're like addicted to them and you want to be with them.
00:25:57.519 --> 00:26:00.880
And when you're with them, it feels safe and calm and secure.
00:26:01.119 --> 00:26:04.480
And the minute you're not with them, you don't feel it, it's like gone.
00:26:04.640 --> 00:26:06.880
And so I don't want that.
00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:10.640
And I I sense that that was the energy with Shuffy the whole time.
00:26:10.799 --> 00:26:19.200
So even talking to three other people since Shuffy, it one I went on a coffee date with, who was very calm, very normal, very predictable.
00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:23.200
I'm like, okay, not my guy, but super like he's out there.
00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:27.920
Secondarily, I wanted a guy that wanted to date with biblical standards.
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:30.720
And this guy, we don't have a nickname for him yet.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:31.920
We'll have to come up with it later.
00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:33.680
But oh, he we could call him Mountain Man.
00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:34.720
He lives in the mountains.
00:26:34.960 --> 00:26:43.039
Uh, he wrote on his profile, I'm looking for a godly woman to date with godly intentions in a biblical manner.
00:26:43.119 --> 00:26:47.599
Like he knew the words, and then when I spoke to him, he was like brody.
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:51.920
Like he was like, and these are my intentions with the physical relationship with the woman.
00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:54.960
Like I, my jaw dropped.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:59.599
I'm like, whether I ever date him or not, I'm like, oh, there's guys like this that existing.
00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:06.079
But then you talk to these fast Eddie guys, like the lawyer guy who's Christian and all that stuff, but it's just words, words, words.
00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:10.640
I think I'm growing and realizing I don't want all the words, words, words.
00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:14.640
Because Eden has taught me to say consistency is the new hot.
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:16.640
Yes, totally.
00:27:16.799 --> 00:27:28.799
And I would say Brody didn't lead with those things, those became part of our relationship, but he was like normal in the sense that like he wasn't like to the punch, like.
00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:32.799
It was like a like this is what I expect.
00:27:33.599 --> 00:27:41.119
It was just like this natural pour of consistency.
00:27:41.440 --> 00:27:42.000
Yes, totally.
00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:43.680
But I appreciate it in your conversation.
00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:48.160
I was talking to this guy because I don't want to date anymore.
00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:48.880
I'm so sick of it.
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:50.000
I want to throw in the towel.
00:27:50.079 --> 00:28:00.160
And then he's like, I don't want to share too much about what he exactly said, but in a in a stance of what a Christian man should say about actually, I will say it because I think it's really admirable.
00:28:00.400 --> 00:28:05.440
He was like, I believe he literally said this I believe the marriage bed should not be defiled.
00:28:05.599 --> 00:28:10.880
And I was like, Whoa, finally, a man reads the same Bible as me.
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:13.759
So he wasn't saying it about me and him or whatever.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:19.119
He wasn't like leading with these are my rules and my limits that you must, you're I'm forcing.
00:28:19.440 --> 00:28:20.000
Oh my gosh.
00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:21.519
He wasn't saying you can't vote.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:22.319
That's great.
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:23.759
It was so admirable.
00:28:23.920 --> 00:28:28.319
He goes, I don't even think I want to kiss somebody until I'm in a relationship with them.
00:28:28.480 --> 00:28:32.559
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I was like, please don't be a bot.
00:28:32.640 --> 00:28:34.400
So I wrote him back right away.
00:28:34.559 --> 00:28:40.000
I go, if you are not a bot, I would like to have a conversation with you.
00:28:40.640 --> 00:29:02.799
Like, yeah, just thought I was like, I wow, like, you know, so um, and this is guys 50, you know, been around the block a few times, like has yeah, has a story or two or three or four, and I'm like after Cheffy, because that was like a big problem with us, is dating with biblical boundaries.
00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:04.559
I'm not gonna throw him under the bus.
00:29:04.640 --> 00:29:06.799
I'm saying with us, not with him, with us.
00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:08.559
It was a problem, yeah.
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:11.440
Like trying to stick, stick to the road.
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:15.519
If there was actually a man like you said, Susie, that would tow the line.
00:29:15.759 --> 00:29:17.440
Now we'll take this back to Eden.
00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:21.519
Um, Eden, coach me how you would do.
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:28.480
Like if I'm saying, okay, I met this new guy, but we're learning and growing, and we're not getting too excited about the new guy, right?
00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:34.000
Like you're just like, don't lean too far into one guy.
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:41.680
Yeah, I think let's like anxious attachment wants to be like this, you know, and like fully commit and fully be in.
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.759
So I'm inviting you to a see what's out there.
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:47.200
Like, words aren't bad.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:52.000
It's just when they're only when they're so over the top from the beginning.
00:29:52.160 --> 00:29:53.920
Who else have you done this with?
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:56.640
Like, how many people have you done this with?
00:29:56.960 --> 00:30:00.960
So I want to know do your words align with your actions?
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:03.440
Because I need to know.
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:09.119
So you're you're helping me also get out of my like type, which is very hard for me.
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:18.400
I would not say that either of the gentlemen I'm talking to right now, I mean the one I want for coffee either, are my guttural reaction type, right?
00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:21.119
Of what I would have put on paper.
00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:24.000
But you're inviting me to step outside that box.
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:27.200
I am inviting you to do that because here's the thing.
00:30:27.759 --> 00:30:32.240
We are, when you feel stuck, something has to change.
00:30:32.799 --> 00:30:44.400
So if we're saying this is my type, I'm like, okay, if you mean if you mean your type is you want a godly man with godly principles, that's your type.
00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:45.039
Okay.
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:46.319
Type.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:56.240
But if we're talking about height, if we're talking about race, if we're talking about like, I don't know, is he a runner or not?
00:30:56.400 --> 00:30:58.160
Like, does he speak five languages?
00:30:58.319 --> 00:30:59.039
Whatever that is.
00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:14.000
Like, I think I'm talking about like let's say this particular person, like, I'm a city girl and I like all these city things, and I'm talking to somebody who literally, and I mean literally lives up a mountain.
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:16.480
That's not my bingo card.
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:18.960
But are you meaning compatibility?
00:31:19.279 --> 00:31:27.119
Yeah, but if God were to introduce me to this person in person, we go and we have a lovely dinner, and I'm like, wait, you have a lot to offer.
00:31:27.359 --> 00:31:29.599
Like maybe we can learn and grow from each other.
00:31:29.759 --> 00:31:42.079
I'm trying to expand that instead of being like, I have to date fast Eddie, because the Chefy on paper was successful and ran around in jets and was in entertainment and worked in film.
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:43.839
And I'm it looks so good on paper.
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:48.480
I'm like, he's my guy, and physically, yeah, he was my type.
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:48.880
Yeah.
00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:53.519
I think that's also what I mean by like when you're riding the wave, right?
00:31:54.400 --> 00:31:55.519
Like, like
00:00:02.720 --> 00:00:06.160
Hi guys, it's Carrie and Susie.
00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:11.519
And welcome to an early morning episode of We Might Get in Trouble for This.
00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:13.359
We have so much to jump into.
00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:15.199
Do you mind if I jump in a little bit?
00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:16.239
Go for it.
00:00:16.399 --> 00:00:17.039
Go for it.
00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:17.600
Okay.
00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:22.800
So I need to the the listeners have been on this journey and we have sad news today.
00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:30.480
Um sad news is that me and Baby Jesus needed to break up with Cheffy uh this week.
00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:35.439
And I won't go into all the details about that, but I know people want to know why.
00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:36.799
I want to know why.
00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:44.240
I'm still questioning it, but um basically it was a year's worth of dating in like 35 days.
00:00:44.399 --> 00:00:50.399
It was uh the best of times, the worst of times, every rom-com, every lifetime movie, every drama.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:57.439
And I just came to the conclusion that my nervous system is not comfortable around him, basically.
00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:02.399
Uh, but he is the most fun of any of the guys this summer.
00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:05.280
He's the most charismatic, he's the most like attractive.
00:01:05.359 --> 00:01:10.959
Oh, he's the most, the most, the most, but yet that still doesn't equal moving forward.
00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:13.680
And it's been like heroin.
00:01:13.920 --> 00:01:15.359
It's literally been like heroin.
00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:20.000
It's been harder than the pirate, harder than Orange County, like a hundred times.
00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:23.920
And I'm acting like a girl that I don't know.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:28.079
Like I'm literally acting like a girl that's like block him, unblock him.
00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:29.599
And then he sends me a song.
00:01:29.760 --> 00:01:35.359
And then he like this morning is like, wherever you are, your puppy will always be thinking about you.
00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:40.879
And here's the thing with this guy, if we remember, he was the bad boy energy, like we talked about.
00:01:41.120 --> 00:02:02.239
And I somehow had it in my psyche that I would win a prize for getting him to commit to me, like my 20s, and he did commit to me, and he wanted to be all in, and that's still not enough because he's not the same equally godly man uh that I need, but I'm having a troublesome time just letting him go.
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:04.000
It's really difficult.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.439
So that's where we are on that, in case you want to comment.
00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:11.759
Nope, you're good?
00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:12.960
Should I move on?
00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:16.159
I mean, I'm so excited, but I don't want to comment.
00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:18.240
I want Eden to comment whenever you're ready.
00:02:18.479 --> 00:02:19.039
No, okay.
00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:20.400
So let me introduce Eden.
00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:23.280
So today we have a very special guest.
00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:29.199
Um and the reason why it's so special to me is because she's my dear, dear friend, Eden.
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:33.599
But here's the thing I think is so awesome, millennial gen X, about this.
00:02:33.840 --> 00:02:36.080
We are very confident women in our lives.
00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:42.159
A lot of women like me are top of our game, grind, grind, grind, raise the kids, make the money, do the things.
00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:47.039
And then we have nobody to punch in our bulletproof armor.
00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:55.360
And then we say, I'm good, I'm healed, I'm whole, I know everything about myself, I'm great, I'm gonna enter into the dating world again.
00:02:55.759 --> 00:03:05.680
I had no idea, literally, joking aside, I can make a joke about this, but what a 17-year-old to 25-year-old woman I still am in the dating world.
00:03:05.759 --> 00:03:09.280
And these men are 12 to 18 emotionally.
00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:16.240
So what I discovered on this journey was there's um so much I needed to know, so much I needed to learn.
00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:20.560
And reading the books weren't helping, and all the things weren't helping.
00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:28.719
And I was talking to my friend who's a professional coach, Eden, who's just gotten married to the love of her life, and I'm like, you did it right.
00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:30.319
How did you do it right?
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What did you do?
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And she introduced me to this thing, which we're gonna talk about today.
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Um, I would call it attachment styles, right, Eden?
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Attachment styles.
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We'll put this in the show notes.
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I took this quiz and discovered my attachment style, and I can't believe I sound like Oprah or Mel Robbins right now, but it was so real.
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My attachment style, like anxious, preoccupied, it showed a light on who I am in the dating world in such a major way that I started working with Eden almost like therapy slash coach slash 911 emergency.
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And I realized that I she's different than a friend.
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She's different than some of my girlfriends, uh, because we've used neuroscience and she doesn't ever say what I think she's gonna say.
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Because I have like the enabling friends, and you know who you are, Tammy.
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And I give out a Susie shout out to Texas and a Susie to LA.
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Those are my three, those are my three rider dies, and I'm gonna get three different opinions, right?
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Um and then if I call Eden, she's more like a very scientific, calming approach.
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She's not gonna say what I want to hear necessarily, she will definitely say what I need to hear.
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So today we have Eden with us to discuss this whole concept of being a dating coach, Eden.
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Um, and also this concept of attachment, uh all these different attachment styles.
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It's mind-blowing to me.
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So welcome, Eden.
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Hello.
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I'm so excited.
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I also I love you, Melan, I love you, Oprah.
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But I'm so excited, Eden.
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Oh my gosh, I've been I love the attachment, the whole concept behind it, and it's so exciting.
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Tell us all your things.
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Sure.
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Well, thank you for having me.
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Um, Carrie has been a great friend for I don't know, 15 years.
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Yes, maybe.
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We mostly been long distance friends.
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She came and did a show at my church years and years ago and became kindred spirits.
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We did, yeah, got put on your previous.
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How very antibreaking.
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Well, we spent like three days together though, and then I came back for Carrot's party.
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And so we we've been in the same, not just for a show, we spent like a retreat and definitely retreat.
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Yes, like kindred spirits when you meet somebody and you're like, you think like me, you act like me.
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And so, as she's been coaching me in the dating thing, which I think is one of the best things about you, Eden, is you've done all the mistakes, so you're so compassionate to go, oh yeah, girl, I did that.
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So, um how you got into the dating space and attachment stuff is what I want to know how you got into that.
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Okay, yeah.
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So I am 42.
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I'm actually gonna be 43 next week.
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October babies! Happy birthday! Thank you.
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And um my husband is 40, and we are both like we're single, never been married, no kids.
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And so we like in the Christian world, that's like we're like basically grandparents, but like what happened?
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Like, why didn't you get married?
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And so um, for me, I always realized like for whatever reason I struggle with confidence in the dating world.
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Um, like Carrie was saying, like, I felt very similar, like, man, I am like 15, 16 when it comes to dating emotionally speaking, and I was watch all these other people like have these really strong, confident, amazing relationships.
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And I would think, what's wrong with me?
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Why can't I get that?
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I don't understand.
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And I had some really, really tumultuous, painful, ugly, hard, hard situations in my life where I asked myself, why am I trusting these completely untrustworthy people?
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I have great discernment in every other area of my life, but when it comes to relationships, why am I such a hot mess?
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And so um I had a really rough, rough ending from like, I need to write a book about it breakup.
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And um I decided to go to this um, like I was one of the staff pastors at my church at the time.
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I decided to go to this therapy place for two weeks.
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A lot of pastors do it in Colorado.
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Amazing life-changing experience there at Crosswalk, I believe.
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No, crossroads counseling is what it's called in of the Rockies, and changed my life.
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And so we started doing a lot of um EMDR therapy.
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We did a lot of like Henry Cloud and Um Townsend.
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Get this, they did a like the DVD of like straight up when they were in the 90s, like they were like old school with it.
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They're like, we just like this one better.
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So it was hilarious.
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Um I discovered through the whole process is I had there's attachment styles, and I had what's called anxious attachment.
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And there's four different styles: there's anxious, there's avoidant, there's disorganized, and secure.
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So it's not a personality type.
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You can like the the healthy one would be secure, which is dependent on how you were raised and any other extraneous things that may have happened in your childhood or adolescence.
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And there's some people who had great parents, but maybe there was a catastrophic event that happened.
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And um, for whatever reason, you don't attach well.
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And you find, I for me, I found secure people extremely boring.
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So I was not attracted to anybody healthy, I was only attracted to chaos.
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So I went on a journey of becoming what's called earn secure and started um with therapy, reading a lot of books, healing, doing a lot of hard, hard work to get there.
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Amazing.
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That's amazing.
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And like go ahead, Zeus.
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The root, um, what so the root of these attachment kind of how what would you call them?
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.480
These type, I guess, types of attachment.
00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:06.080
Um do they when do they form?
00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:10.480
Like, um, can they form during infancy?
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We all obviously know there's some developmental things that can really happen at infancy that are really challenging, or um, do they develop different at different times between the different genders?
00:10:21.200 --> 00:10:23.679
Um I have so many questions on it.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:28.320
And are they always catastrophic events or like capital T trauma?
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Or can it all be just kind of from little T traumas throughout your life?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, that's a good question.
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You know, and I don't know all of the answers to the um like history of it, but I know it can happen in childhood and adolescence.
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Um, like for example, like I I haven't done enough research on the like in utero, but possible.
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Um, some of the the books that I've read and some of the studying I've done, one of it um it happened when she was a baby and her parents were in a car accident, and then she didn't want anyone to touch her, and then she did not make a secure bond with her parents, which then later on made it like so difficult to enter relationships.
00:11:14.080 --> 00:11:19.679
For me, um, you know, I believe my parents did the best they could, but I had a mentally ill mother.
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My father was an immigrant from Thailand, and so he was like working 24-7.
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My needs, my like emotional needs weren't really being met.
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You'd have to like perform, like I did all these things in order for you to get loved.
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And so, one of the things Dr.
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Townsend says, like, when you're a child and you bring a picture to your family member, you drew it, and he's like, Oh my gosh, this is the best picture I've ever seen in my life.
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This needs to be framed, it needs to be in an art museum.
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That's when your internal validator starts getting formed inside.
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And I didn't know people had an internal validator.
00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:04.639
I full on did not know that.
00:12:04.720 --> 00:12:04.960
Yeah.
00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:17.039
Because I saw these confident people who knew they could be amazing, and I wanted to believe that about myself, but I was relying on external validation, somebody else saying how amazing I was, incredible.
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:28.639
I and so when you don't have that internal validator, which later on you can build, but if you have no idea that you don't that people have one and that you don't have one, right?
00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:30.799
But can I ask you a question, Edan?
00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:31.440
Sure.
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:41.120
So I am anxious, preoccupied, which is definitely all the I have all the symptoms of someone who's like needs that validation from outside sources.
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I I had the ultimate internal validator my entire childhood, though.
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It's so interesting to me.
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My father would have put my picture on the fridge, my mother would have put my picture on the fridge.
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So I think it goes to show like you could still be that attachment style and not have that kind of childhood that you remember.
00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:15.759
And we we had talked about it that mine could have been triggered a little bit in midlife, like adolescence, but also being in a marriage where even as an adult, I didn't feel secure because I had the ultimate security from mom and dad.
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Like ultimate, like you are you are end game, you are 10, 10, 10, 10.
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But something didn't translate into my adult life, and I married someone who struggled with mental illness.
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That's not a secret.
00:13:28.480 --> 00:13:34.960
But uh, it's really funny when you say that because you know what I mean, it just goes to show it's not all like textbook exactly.
00:13:35.519 --> 00:13:36.159
Yeah, yeah.
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I just was like, you know what, let me just look it up because, like, like you know, Susie was talking about like there's little T trauma and big T trauma, like there's different things can happen.
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Um, they say attachment is developed during the first two years of life.
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Wow, and there is some pre-attachment, birth to six weeks, uh, attachment in the making, six weeks to seven months, clear-cut attachment, seven to twenty founds, and then later on, reciprocal relationships, 24 and older.
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:15.440
So I mean, it's like we're never gonna know.
00:14:15.600 --> 00:14:22.000
I think the best thing is we just deal like Susie, what I did, is I just jumped in and was like, I know I am this.
00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:26.879
And the thing that I keep saying over and over to Eden is like, I want to change, I want to change.
00:14:27.039 --> 00:14:31.360
And what she keeps saying, and we can talk more about this, is you have to do the work.
00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:33.679
It's not a kill.
00:14:34.320 --> 00:14:38.240
It's not um, you know, Susie, it's like your journey.
00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:40.480
We've talked about people with ADHD, right?
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:45.120
Like it's like so, Eden, do you want to expand on what doing the work looks like?
00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:48.240
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
00:14:48.480 --> 00:14:51.840
So um, it's hard.
00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:53.840
I guess it's hard as hell.
00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:56.240
Um, yeah, it's really challenging.
00:14:56.480 --> 00:15:08.000
Um, I think like for me, so anxious attachment oftentimes will look like insecurity at first.
00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:12.799
You need a lot of reassurances from your partner or potential partner.
00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:19.360
Um, like if you don't hear from them, you can feel like wild, like like cray cray.
00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:23.039
And um, you can get triggered very, very easily.
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You can get very um magnetic with like an avoidant, it's like considered like the magnet.
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And probably if you haven't figured it out, but you think it would stop.
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Yes, I've heard about that.
00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:40.720
Yeah, that they're like magnets to each other, the avoidant and the anxious.
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In the beginning, in the beginning, and I dated before my husband, my last boyfriend I dated was a severe avoidant.
00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:52.960
So in the beginning, it's so magical.
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You're like, I've never even felt like this before.
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This is crazy.
00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:02.879
But what ends up happening is like in the beginning, you're meeting the needs that each other didn't have.
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So you're getting all the praise and encouragement that you didn't have from whatever reason.
00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:14.879
We carry an anomaly, we're still trying to figure out where because her parents were golden, and which praise Jesus.
00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:20.240
We we love parents that are present, but for whatever reason, there's some form of a deficit.
00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:31.360
And so then the avoidant whose needs weren't met as a child because their parent was always unavailable, busy, whatever.
00:16:31.519 --> 00:16:33.519
So they learn to minimize their needs.
00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:39.919
So this anxious attachment partner is giving them all of the things, all of the attention, all of everything they need.
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So they're getting their needs met where they've been severely deficit.
00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:44.480
So it's like this.
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:53.519
Well, then the avoidant doesn't know how to act, and they start, they're like, this feels suffocating, and they start going away.
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And that's the worst thing you could do to an anxious attachment person.
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They're like, Well, what do you mean?
00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:03.200
I'm gonna do this thing over here, so you come back, or or whatever the case may be.
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:05.599
Eventually, it doesn't work.
00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:16.880
So doing the work is saying to yourself, it doesn't matter about this other person, what they think, what they need, whatever, right now.
00:17:17.200 --> 00:17:20.960
What matters is that I build myself.
00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:24.160
I like to liken it to a desert.
00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:36.880
So if you're like a desert and you're you're like thirsty, you need, you need like in order to like make the soil something you could use, you need to put a lot of water on it, right?
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:45.279
So if you're if you're one of these attachment styles, I'm very most familiar with anxious, my lived experience, and all my work.
00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:53.279
Anxious attachment, you're somebody, some man comes by with a pail of water, you're like, Oh my gosh, I need more.
00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:55.279
Where did that come from?
00:17:55.839 --> 00:18:06.160
But I like to say when you start building your own self, you start watering your own place, and then pretty soon you become your own personal waterfall.
00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:20.960
And then it doesn't matter if some wonderful person comes along who's whatever, like if they're um avoidant or whatever, they pour a bucket of water, you're like, Well, that was nice, but it didn't change my life.
00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:25.440
So doing the work means becoming your own internal validator.
00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:31.759
All of the encouragement that you don't have, you become your own encourager.
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:36.079
It's hard when you have had your whole life doing it another way, though.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:37.279
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:37.920
Yeah.
00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:48.160
And also when we're not dating, the light isn't shined on us because we have not let anyone into that sacred space where you could hurt me.
00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:50.720
I know my kids are always gonna be there.
00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:52.720
I feel like my parents are always gonna be there.
00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:56.240
And most likely my friends are most of my friends are always gonna be there.
00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:07.279
So you you just jump into this deep end, Susie, of like, oh crap, I might accidentally give my heart away to somebody who's gonna walk away in a week.
00:19:07.759 --> 00:19:11.200
Like you're just jumping into this cool.
00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:13.680
And as a Christian, it's even harder, you know?
00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:14.160
Yeah.
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:15.680
Totally.
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:23.039
It's interesting because I wonder if the attachment styles can also, I would assume they would kind of coincide with people's love language.
00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:24.079
Right?
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:28.400
So if someone has anxious attachment, right?
00:19:28.799 --> 00:19:33.039
And already their love language is words, words, words, words, right?
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:34.079
Isn't that a love language?
00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:35.759
Right?
00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:51.519
So not only is it even more so, not only is it just anxiety anxious attachment of I want them to reach out to me, it's also like I want them to reach out to me and then I want them to say these things, right?
00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:51.920
Right.
00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.160
Or is that kind of the same?
00:19:55.200 --> 00:19:57.200
You know, I've never considered that.
00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:04.319
I mean, there could definitely be a like coinciding um situation.
00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:16.799
I think the biggest thing is like whatever your needs are, you're not expecting someone else to meet them before you're secure within your own self to meet your own needs.
00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:20.079
But how do you how do you handle these love bombers, Edan?
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:32.000
Like, I don't know if it's like break up with them immediately or like be we always say cool your jets, but like even last night, I was chatting with someone and we had one phone call, right?
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:33.440
One phone call.
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:35.680
And he texted me this morning.
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:41.119
We were listening to the song Sailing, and we were talking about how that's like an escape, you know?
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:43.119
And he wrote, I get it now.
00:20:43.279 --> 00:20:45.440
I'll be your soft place to land.
00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:50.480
And immediately, and he's nice, and he's a lawyer, and he's security, he's like a nice gentleman.
00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:53.279
But I'm like, bro, you just met me.
00:20:53.359 --> 00:21:02.160
And I I think that I'm dealing with this over and over and over of attracting the same kind of guy that can't like just be chill.
00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:05.119
Like, I I didn't even respond to it, Eden.
00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:06.559
Do you know what I mean?
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:10.079
And then the other guy that was like, tell me your retirement plans and tell me your life.
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:12.400
I just ended up saying goodbye and good wishes.
00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:17.200
But how do I, like in this particular instance, this guy, we'll call him lawyer guy.
00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:18.640
We have nicknames for all the guys.
00:21:19.039 --> 00:21:21.680
He's like, I get it, I'll be your soft place to land.
00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:22.960
I figured it out.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:27.039
I and I don't want to like be mean, but what do I even say to them?
00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:36.960
Yeah, so you know, we have talked about, like, I mean, I've I've watched your videos about Gen X loving love bombing.
00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:41.359
And I um I had um what's the word?
00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:52.640
Countered the thought by saying, yeah, but in back in like the 80s and 90s, we also weren't really aware of emotional regulation or how to be healthy.
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:54.240
We didn't know what narcissism was.
00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:56.640
You know, like we didn't know all those things.
00:21:56.799 --> 00:22:02.079
So as much as I love the Gen X life and Appreciate some analog things.
00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:05.599
There is some beautiful things we've learned along the way.
00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:10.160
Um, I just did a little search, like why do people love bomb?
00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:18.559
And it said a quick gain of control, emotional security dependence, or to manage their own deep insecurities.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:25.200
Love bombing means someone showering with overwhelming affection, praise, or constant attention early in the relationship.
00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:30.720
While it feels amazing at first, it often is the first step of an emotional manipulation.
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:31.359
Yes.
00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:40.400
So in this in this specific instance, how would you advise me, or as you like to say, invite me to respond to something like that?
00:22:40.559 --> 00:22:42.000
Because I have no response.
00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:46.079
Like in my gut, I think this guy's gonna be a little bit too much for me.
00:22:46.160 --> 00:23:00.400
I like I can, you know, you're always like be Eden's like open yourself to open-minded, but I already feel like he wants to, he's already showered me with all these like things about me.
00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:04.559
And I'm growing, I'm growing, Eden, because I'm not falling for it.
00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:05.519
You are.
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:07.519
It's like water off a duck's back.
00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:09.519
You're like, I love that phrase.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:10.400
Yes.
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:14.880
You're like, oh, when if somebody be like, oh, you're so beautiful.
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:16.960
I you know, I'm like, thanks.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:19.200
Like, you're not blind, great.
00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:22.240
If he's like, though, he's like, I'll be your soft place to land.
00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:23.680
What do you say to a okay?
00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:26.240
Yeah, you can just be like, I guess we'll see.
00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:27.599
Yeah, or or not respond.
00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:29.839
My response was like, not to respond.
00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:32.720
Or I'll be like the, but I can you can be playful with it.
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:34.160
I'm like, the jury's out.
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:35.039
Time will tell.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:37.680
Like, let's let's find out.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:46.880
Let's, you know, like it's so interesting comparing because Eden has has invited me to compare and to be open to talking.
00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:54.000
So I had two phone conversations last night with two men that were new on the scene, Susie.
00:23:54.240 --> 00:23:54.640
Uh-huh.
00:23:55.119 --> 00:23:58.000
And one of them just felt so much.
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:03.519
I keep repeating to myself, I want a man who makes my central nervous system feel secure.
00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:04.319
Yeah, yeah.
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:10.480
And it's not the love bombing that does it, it's this like normalcy, but still a little bit funny.
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:12.319
Like, like normalcy.
00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:15.599
Um this is my morning today.
00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:22.079
So Cheffy is texting me these savage, read into it, love, whatever.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:26.799
And this other normal guy, we were talking about a band that we both like.
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:27.440
Yeah.
00:24:27.599 --> 00:24:29.039
And so Chicago.
00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:30.880
And we were like, oh my gosh, great band.
00:24:31.200 --> 00:24:34.400
I will slay you with 80s songs that I sent him an 80s song last night.
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:39.200
This morning, he he responds, not right away, like he waits 20, you know, 12 hours.
00:24:39.279 --> 00:24:41.519
He goes, Oh my gosh, that was so great.
00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:43.039
I love Peterson Tara.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:44.160
How about this one?
00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:49.920
Like, so much different and calming, but still like nice and sweet.
00:24:50.240 --> 00:24:57.279
And then so it's just like uh, and then the other guy, lawyer guy, is like, I figured out I'm your self-placed to land.
00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:59.119
I'm like, calm, calmate.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:00.960
That's what I want to say now.
00:25:01.119 --> 00:25:02.559
So I think I'm growing, Eden.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:04.799
I think you're totally growing.
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:11.519
Because remember, some of the other you were like, I'm gonna block someone, or if they don't respond in like two hours.
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:12.960
You know what I mean?
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:13.839
Yeah, I'm growing.
00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:14.480
I'm growing.
00:25:14.720 --> 00:25:15.920
Yeah, because that's great.
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:17.359
Because I mean, two hours.
00:25:17.839 --> 00:25:21.599
Someone could have, you know, have an upset tum tum.
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:23.119
You know what I mean?
00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:29.759
No, yeah, but when you're an anxious attachment person, it becomes safety to you.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:33.839
Like I control the narrative if I'm the one who cuts it off.
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:41.200
I'm gonna cut it off before you go over here hurting me and this unknown, and it makes me crazy feeling.
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:44.480
And so it it becomes, it takes over.
00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:47.279
And so then it's almost like physical.
00:25:47.359 --> 00:25:52.960
I've called Eden and I go, Chefie makes my it's not butterflies' anxiety.
00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:57.440
Like you think it's butterflies, and then you're like addicted to them and you want to be with them.
00:25:57.519 --> 00:26:00.880
And when you're with them, it feels safe and calm and secure.
00:26:01.119 --> 00:26:04.480
And the minute you're not with them, you don't feel it, it's like gone.
00:26:04.640 --> 00:26:06.880
And so I don't want that.
00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:10.640
And I I sense that that was the energy with Shuffy the whole time.
00:26:10.799 --> 00:26:19.200
So even talking to three other people since Shuffy, it one I went on a coffee date with, who was very calm, very normal, very predictable.
00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:23.200
I'm like, okay, not my guy, but super like he's out there.
00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:27.920
Secondarily, I wanted a guy that wanted to date with biblical standards.
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:30.720
And this guy, we don't have a nickname for him yet.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:31.920
We'll have to come up with it later.
00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:33.680
But oh, he we could call him Mountain Man.
00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:34.720
He lives in the mountains.
00:26:34.960 --> 00:26:43.039
Uh, he wrote on his profile, I'm looking for a godly woman to date with godly intentions in a biblical manner.
00:26:43.119 --> 00:26:47.599
Like he knew the words, and then when I spoke to him, he was like brody.
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:51.920
Like he was like, and these are my intentions with the physical relationship with the woman.
00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:54.960
Like I, my jaw dropped.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:59.599
I'm like, whether I ever date him or not, I'm like, oh, there's guys like this that existing.
00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:06.079
But then you talk to these fast Eddie guys, like the lawyer guy who's Christian and all that stuff, but it's just words, words, words.
00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:10.640
I think I'm growing and realizing I don't want all the words, words, words.
00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:14.640
Because Eden has taught me to say consistency is the new hot.
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:16.640
Yes, totally.
00:27:16.799 --> 00:27:28.799
And I would say Brody didn't lead with those things, those became part of our relationship, but he was like normal in the sense that like he wasn't like to the punch, like.
00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:32.799
It was like a like this is what I expect.
00:27:33.599 --> 00:27:41.119
It was just like this natural pour of consistency.
00:27:41.440 --> 00:27:42.000
Yes, totally.
00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:43.680
But I appreciate it in your conversation.
00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:48.160
I was talking to this guy because I don't want to date anymore.
00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:48.880
I'm so sick of it.
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:50.000
I want to throw in the towel.
00:27:50.079 --> 00:28:00.160
And then he's like, I don't want to share too much about what he exactly said, but in a in a stance of what a Christian man should say about actually, I will say it because I think it's really admirable.
00:28:00.400 --> 00:28:05.440
He was like, I believe he literally said this I believe the marriage bed should not be defiled.
00:28:05.599 --> 00:28:10.880
And I was like, Whoa, finally, a man reads the same Bible as me.
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:13.759
So he wasn't saying it about me and him or whatever.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:19.119
He wasn't like leading with these are my rules and my limits that you must, you're I'm forcing.
00:28:19.440 --> 00:28:20.000
Oh my gosh.
00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:21.519
He wasn't saying you can't vote.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:22.319
That's great.
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:23.759
It was so admirable.
00:28:23.920 --> 00:28:28.319
He goes, I don't even think I want to kiss somebody until I'm in a relationship with them.
00:28:28.480 --> 00:28:32.559
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I was like, please don't be a bot.
00:28:32.640 --> 00:28:34.400
So I wrote him back right away.
00:28:34.559 --> 00:28:40.000
I go, if you are not a bot, I would like to have a conversation with you.
00:28:40.640 --> 00:29:02.799
Like, yeah, just thought I was like, I wow, like, you know, so um, and this is guys 50, you know, been around the block a few times, like has yeah, has a story or two or three or four, and I'm like after Cheffy, because that was like a big problem with us, is dating with biblical boundaries.
00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:04.559
I'm not gonna throw him under the bus.
00:29:04.640 --> 00:29:06.799
I'm saying with us, not with him, with us.
00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:08.559
It was a problem, yeah.
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:11.440
Like trying to stick, stick to the road.
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:15.519
If there was actually a man like you said, Susie, that would tow the line.
00:29:15.759 --> 00:29:17.440
Now we'll take this back to Eden.
00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:21.519
Um, Eden, coach me how you would do.
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:28.480
Like if I'm saying, okay, I met this new guy, but we're learning and growing, and we're not getting too excited about the new guy, right?
00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:34.000
Like you're just like, don't lean too far into one guy.
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:41.680
Yeah, I think let's like anxious attachment wants to be like this, you know, and like fully commit and fully be in.
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.759
So I'm inviting you to a see what's out there.
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:47.200
Like, words aren't bad.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:52.000
It's just when they're only when they're so over the top from the beginning.
00:29:52.160 --> 00:29:53.920
Who else have you done this with?
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:56.640
Like, how many people have you done this with?
00:29:56.960 --> 00:30:00.960
So I want to know do your words align with your actions?
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:03.440
Because I need to know.
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:09.119
So you're you're helping me also get out of my like type, which is very hard for me.
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:18.400
I would not say that either of the gentlemen I'm talking to right now, I mean the one I want for coffee either, are my guttural reaction type, right?
00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:21.119
Of what I would have put on paper.
00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:24.000
But you're inviting me to step outside that box.
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:27.200
I am inviting you to do that because here's the thing.
00:30:27.759 --> 00:30:32.240
We are, when you feel stuck, something has to change.
00:30:32.799 --> 00:30:44.400
So if we're saying this is my type, I'm like, okay, if you mean if you mean your type is you want a godly man with godly principles, that's your type.
00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:45.039
Okay.
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:46.319
Type.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:56.240
But if we're talking about height, if we're talking about race, if we're talking about like, I don't know, is he a runner or not?
00:30:56.400 --> 00:30:58.160
Like, does he speak five languages?
00:30:58.319 --> 00:30:59.039
Whatever that is.
00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:14.000
Like, I think I'm talking about like let's say this particular person, like, I'm a city girl and I like all these city things, and I'm talking to somebody who literally, and I mean literally lives up a mountain.
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:16.480
That's not my bingo card.
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:18.960
But are you meaning compatibility?
00:31:19.279 --> 00:31:27.119
Yeah, but if God were to introduce me to this person in person, we go and we have a lovely dinner, and I'm like, wait, you have a lot to offer.
00:31:27.359 --> 00:31:29.599
Like maybe we can learn and grow from each other.
00:31:29.759 --> 00:31:42.079
I'm trying to expand that instead of being like, I have to date fast Eddie, because the Chefy on paper was successful and ran around in jets and was in entertainment and worked in film.
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:43.839
And I'm it looks so good on paper.
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:48.480
I'm like, he's my guy, and physically, yeah, he was my type.
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:48.880
Yeah.
00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:53.519
I think that's also what I mean by like when you're riding the wave, right?
00:31:54.400 --> 00:31:55.519
Like, like
