Surviving Sibling: How a 13-Year-Old Navigates Grief After Losing Her Brother: Ep 42

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Well, hello and welcome back to Boy your Moms.
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I'm Michelle Davis.
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And I'm Amy Durham and we have a super special guest tonight.
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Yes, it is actually my sweet girl, layla Hi.
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Layla Hi, she is now 13 years old, but when Alec passed away, she was seven, six.
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When Alec passed away, she was seven, six.
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My brain doesn't work, nor does time flies.
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Right, she was in the first grade.
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Yes, right there towards the end of school.
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So anyway, oh my gosh.
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Six years old Layla.
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Well, we'll get into that.
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First let's talk.
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Six years old Layla.
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We'll get into that First, let's talk.
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Tell us about your brother Alec, from your words, your thoughts, your memories.
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I always had him in great memory.
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He was always my biggest role model, when he was here and when he wasn't, I always looked up to him I loved him so much and I still do and he was the coolest he was he always drove me to school and I never saw him, or I might have, but, like in, his worst?
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no, you never.
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She never saw him in his bad times and if I, did?
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I didn't know.
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So I only know him as the cool brother who never did anything wrong.
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You said that he used to drive you to school.
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He drove you to preschool, yeah, when you were probably four years old.
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Oh my gosh.
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And his forerunner.
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I thought it was a homer, we did not have a homer, it was a forerunner.
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But it felt that cool, right, we did not have a homer, it was a four runner.
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It felt that cool right, and he blasted his music Cute.
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What kind of music did he listen to?
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Rap.
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Rap.
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Yes, all of it.
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He probably listened to everything except country.
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Yeah, oh cute.
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Oh my gosh, what's a memory of something you did together with Alec that you look back and you're like, ah, that was such a good time.
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My favorite memory is when me and then my other brother, chase me, alec and Chase we went ice skating Not the ice skating itself, but on the the way.
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There we were all talking about how who we thought was gonna fall and me and alec got all of our money on chase.
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Chase was the best ice skater and we were both really bad.
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That's so cute oh my gosh probably the best, because he knew he didn't want to fall?
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Yeah, Probably.
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We kept saying that he was going to fall and he was driving the car.
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Chase was in the passenger seat and I was in the back seat and I remember it.
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That's probably one of my favorite memories, yeah.
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Oh, I love it.
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Oh, I love it.
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One of the things I know your mom has talked about was like pillow forts and blanket forts.
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And then there was a another one of my favorite memories and we set them all up and we taped them together.
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I don't know how he did it, but he did it really good.
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And then we sat in there and we just like drew a bunch of things for like hours, yeah, or it felt like hours.
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I don't know how long, but he connected the boxes together so it was literally like a tunnel, like with turns, oh cute.
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What about the lookout tower?
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oh, yeah, there's like a whole red tower.
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That thing was in our basement for like three years after yes, so that was one of those things where you don't you know you can't get rid of things yeah, you're like what, what do we do with this cardboard thing?
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But my dad wanted to throw it away and my mom finally got to the point where, like we have to put this somewhere, but I was the person who said that we couldn't move it.
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Yeah, yeah, you had to be ready, right For sure.
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It is now out of the basement but we have one of the walls that has the drawings on it.
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Oh, they both like he would draw a tree and she would draw it.
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I would try to draw the things he did.
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I remember he was drawing a tree and I didn't understand how he made it look so good.
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So I tried to draw it and it looks really bad.
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And keep in mind, this is a probably 23 year old and a five year old Isn't that precious?
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And he's right there inside the box with you.
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Yeah, driving the whole thing literally, yeah, tapping it together.
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I remember my mom.
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I remember asking my mom if I could ask Alex to help me make the box for him.
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He came over and that's what we did.
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He did it.
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Yeah, he was like no, you can't do that.
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And he built all my Lego sets.
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Yeah.
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Layla loved getting Legos, but she'd never put them together.
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He would just do it.
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Yeah, you wanted Alex to do it with you.
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Yes, when he was in no Longer Bound.
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I got Legos for Christmas and we Christmas and we went and visited him and he I brought the Lego set for him to put together Like his Christmas all in itself.
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Do you remember when Alec passed away?
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Yeah, um, my parents both left the house and they didn't make me go to school, because I didn't know that he'd been missing for nine days.
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Um, so my grandma came into town and I thought they were just being really nice, but let her skip school right, skip school right my grandma and me and my grandma, we were just hanging out and I was like I remember thinking earlier in that day I was thinking this is the best day ever I'm home from school.
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Nothing can ruin this.
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And we were going inside and me and my grandma were about to go watch a movie and we made popcorn and we were sitting down and right before the movie started my mom and my dad walked in and they were crying and they told me that he was gone.
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Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
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Those are really heavy memories, aren't they?
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Yeah, Whew, in these seven years, what are some things that you've learned from your mom and dad about how to walk this new path of missing Alec and carrying your sadness?
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It's really hard.
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It's really hard.
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How they do it every day.
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It blows my mind Because my mom, it was always just her and Alec is my mind because my mom, it was always just her and Alec and they were so close and I don't understand how she does that, because it'd be like me losing her.
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And I don't understand how she does it every day and gets out of bed and it makes me like really inspired by her and all that and thank you, I know.
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I remember one of the first times, I think I was at your house and your mom and I were early trying to figure out this podcasting stuff and we kept calling you down Layla, we're like I don't know.
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You know, and we were trying.
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I can't even remember what we were doing, amy, but whatever it was we weren't doing it well and you were so cute.
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And then at one point, you know, when you're doing all this, like try this cord, try this, try, you know whatever it was.
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And and then you came back in and you said, can I say something?
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And I was like yeah, and she said, and you said, I'm just so proud of y'all, like, and I just, I just remember just thinking what a beautiful human you are, Like you know you were, let's see, cause you're 13,.
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You had to be 11 and a half maybe, yeah, and I just thought Layla my gosh at 11 and a half, yeah, and I just thought Layla my gosh at 11 and a half.
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You didn't know me hardly, and yet here you were just willing to say something that was so special.
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I carry that with me when I meet with your mom.
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I think about that moment.
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And Layla's always been a special sweetheart.
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She's always been a sweetheart.
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But do you think that you're extra kind to people because you don't know what they're going through, or yeah, it's like I always try to be really nice to people because I don't want them to be sad, because I know how it feels to be sad and it doesn't feel good.
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That's why I try to be nice to people.
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What?
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do you do when you're sad?
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I mean that's inevitable, right?
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I cry you.
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give yourself that space huh yeah, and I go see my mom and she makes things better.
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I don't know how.
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I just put a band-aid on it.
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You know, band-aids always make everything better, right?
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Yeah, one thing that we started at the beginning, that Layla always talks about, is what do you want to tell them?
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sure um like a grief journal when I was young, I couldn't really grasp the idea that my brother was gone and that was something really hard for me and um.
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So my mom came home one day I think this was probably in the first month or two that he passed and she brought three journals was it two or three, I can't remember, yeah, but and she said these are gonna be our alec journals.
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And she said these two reminded me of him, and which one do you think reminds you the most of them?
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I picked one out and I had a cat on the cover with a coffee mug, because he loved cats and he loved cats.
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He would wear crazy cat t-shirts and we had a cat and just all the things.
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Oh, cute.
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And because I couldn't grasp the idea that he was gone.
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My mom was like so you can write letters to him and you'll still see them?
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And he will, because I know that he's in heaven, he's in a better place, but he, it helped me a lot and I always drew him pictures and the thing I drew pictures of me and him, him skateboarding and me riding my bike, and I drew, I wrote notes to him on my cute little six-year-old handwriting.
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Oh my gosh, that's amazing.
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I didn't write a lot.
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But I look back at it sometimes and I haven't written, wrote in it in a really long time.
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But now, whenever I want to talk to him, I just say my prayers.
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I say, hey, God, can I talk?
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to Alec for a second and he brings him on over and says here you go.
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And then I talked to Alec in my head and even if he's not there, I feel like it is and I can still talk to him in ways, even though he doesn't respond and I don't.
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It's hard to remember Alec sometimes because I was so young and I barely remember a lot.
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But I don't really remember a lot of the memories, but I remember the person he was and that's a lot to me and like all that.
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Yeah, you knew how he made you feel right, yeah.
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Oh, that's beautiful.
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One of the things that you were telling your mom and I about was sometimes that it's hard with friends right With figuring out how to talk about it and what's one of the kind of funny ways you deal with it sometimes that we all were talking about I just joke about it, which isn't the best thing, but I do it because for me, because alec was a very sarcastic person the sarcastic people like incredibly sarcastic, yeah, like over the top sometimes so that's like the best way for me I feel like to talk about it is to bring him in it.
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If that makes sense, yeah, um, so I do that.
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And some people I know like are very like secretive about that stuff and like just don't want to talk about it.
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But for me, like joking, like not joking like that sounds so silly, being silly about it, yeah it makes it feel better in a way, and to try to take the pain off of it and even though, like and I think that's helped a lot because I used to like buy a lot, but like now I think I have like a day in the year, like for like a time, because last year I just there was like one weekend in October where I was so sad, and the year before that it was like the same time, but it just it hit me like grief and all that and it's just weird.
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It is.
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We talk about that all the time, Michelle, about how your body for whatever reason.
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Yeah, you don't know the date on the calendar, but somehow it's there.
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Yeah, your body just remembers it.
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Yeah, I remember it was like the week before Halloween.
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I was picking out stuff or something and we were looking through Alex's clothes because I needed a Hawaiian shirt for my Hawaiian day at school.
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And I saw all of his clothes and I just started bawling and which is weird, because I normally didn't cry about stuff like that as much, I just was bawling my eyes out and then, the year following to that, I was at church camp and I got scared to do something.
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It was like jumping off the blob or something.
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I got scared to do something.
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It was like jumping off the blob or something.
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I got scared to do that.
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And grief just then hit me like crazy and I just sat in my room and I just cried and everybody's like, are you okay?
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And I was surrounded by people who don't understand and it was awful.
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I wanted to go home.
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I cried for like three hours.
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It felt like it might have been like 30 minutes, but it felt like so yeah, did you end up being able to talk with somebody about?
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what it was.
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I called my mom yeah.
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They called me and we talked and she was a little while away so it wasn't like I could run down the street and do it.
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So she sat there and she.
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You know, the older they get, the more they learn to process a little bit I mean counseling and just experience is just like we do.
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And just even having the words right To be able to spring sentences together fully, you know.
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Well, a question Layla and I might jump forward just, and we can continue to talk about this, but I don't want to forget I have a lot of moms that will say and I know, michelle, you do too is how do you help your other children, and is there some advice that you could tell moms out?
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There From a mom's perspective yeah.
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For me it's my mom.
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She always makes it not a secret thing to talk, about which really helps me a lot if ever I want to talk about alec or we do.
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It's sometimes really hard for her, but she knows talking about it is important, which makes me realize that too, like there was one time we were in the car and I just had a question about alex because, again, I didn't.
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I knew him, but I didn't know him as well as yeah, well, you were so young, yeah really young and I had a question and we just started talking about him and my mom just started crying on the highway.
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I felt really bad for making her cry and she was like, but this is just a part of it yeah, so that.
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So that's something for me is like it's okay to be sad about it and it's okay to ask questions.
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So just be like open to your kids about it and make sure that they know it's not a secret topic.
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And you didn't make me cry that day.
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I know, no, that's what I'm saying.
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Day.
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I know no, that's what I'm saying.
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But, like in general with the moms, like you're in, make sure your children know that you didn't make them cry.
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Yeah, yeah, you're just always sad, right it's just always there, yeah, so don't be afraid to bring it up, and I always got scared, like talking to my mom about it, because, like when I was younger, cause I always was like, but what if this was my fault?
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Like what if I was the reason?
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Because my biggest regret in life was the last time I saw Alec.
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I didn't give him a hug, goodbye, because I thought I was going to see him again.
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Yeah.
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And I was just playing with my toys Me and my friend made like a dollhouse and I was playing in it and I remember watching him walk out the door and I always thought like right after he passed I was like if I had given him a hug that could have changed the dynamics of everything and all the stuff in here.
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And I just tried.
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So something else is making sure your kids know it's not their fault.
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Oh, that is so my little six-year-old brain.
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What could have I done to make that not happen?
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And even though it's something that small, it wasn't my fault and that's hard to know.
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Gosh, that's so incredibly important.
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That is wow, that is really.
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That's a huge piece of advice, layla.
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Yeah, and I don't think Layla's alone in that with children, from what I understand, talking with counselors and stuff like that is yeah, it's, it's not, you're not alone.
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But a lot of children especially feel like what could I have done?
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This is all my fault, and that is an extremely important is to make sure they know you did not cause this.
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Yeah.
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You could not have stopped this yeah yeah, and something else is um, when my counselor told me, this is when, since I was so young, I, my brain, did this thing, I guess, where it saves your grief for when you get older because you can't process it.
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So, knowing that like and moms of course know this, because because, we're moms, yeah, everything but like it will just hit and it will feel like the first time again.
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But it will happen to us too, because I like it was bad when it first happened.
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But then there was like a point I think I was in fifth or sixth grade and I just like I started thinking about it a lot and I started having questions.
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Also, there's like weird things that I'll do to help me with it, like I slept in my parents room till I was literally probably the beginning of this year.
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I was, greta did too.
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Layla, yeah, really yeah.
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Oh yeah, it was three years, I think, um, because Greta was third, fourth, fifth, six, four years yeah, yeah, and I did because I was so scared that um something would happen to me or my family that.
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I couldn't control and we would have to go through that pain again, either me or somebody else, because that's just such a traumatic experience.
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I was so scared that our house would catch on fire and I either wouldn't make it out or my parents wouldn't and I would never see them again, or they would never see me again.
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And somebody would have to go through that pain and I was so scared of just little things.
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I couldn't if my mom was.
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There was one time y'all were coming home from a warrior mom's meeting, actually, and it was really rainy and I couldn't get with.
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I couldn't be without like.
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I had to be within five feet of my dad at all times because I was so scared.
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It was nighttime.
00:20:24.498 --> 00:20:33.127
I was so scared Somebody was about to barge through the door or I was so scared that my mom was going to get in a wreck because if she would hide her, something would happen.
00:20:33.127 --> 00:20:37.094
This was literally probably like last week not really that bad.
00:20:37.220 --> 00:20:40.947
This is probably like five months ago I was so scared.
00:20:40.947 --> 00:20:44.153
It's just really random stuff like that.
00:20:45.862 --> 00:20:47.025
What helps you with that?
00:20:47.025 --> 00:20:55.561
Therapy helps you with that Therapy.
00:20:55.561 --> 00:20:56.403
Yeah, I mean that's, that's for all of us.
00:20:56.403 --> 00:21:03.825
I think it it helps to one just to say these things out loud but then to talk to a professional that can sort of, you know, guide us through.
00:21:03.825 --> 00:21:05.587
This is normal, this is.
00:21:05.587 --> 00:21:09.601
You know, some strategies, those things, yeah, and she helps you.
00:21:09.701 --> 00:21:17.235
Your counselor helps you a lot with the strategies and the cause explaining and her understanding what's going on in her brain.
00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:23.430
Cause I have OCD and I think it was triggered a lot of it by Alec passing.
00:21:23.430 --> 00:21:37.968
So and that's what she helps me with is the fear and pain that goes along with that and the things that my brain says I can do to prevent something else happening, but that will never.
00:21:37.968 --> 00:21:48.168
I can't control that so just by, like, stopping trying to make things change, which is really really, really hard.
00:21:48.869 --> 00:21:59.797
Really hard, yeah, but just you knowing that and knowing just you being able to put words to it, that's that's so important and really powerful.
00:21:59.797 --> 00:22:00.440
That's amazing.
00:22:00.460 --> 00:22:09.212
Well, and for other moms out there and kids too, like Layla was very willing to go to see a counselor from from early on.
00:22:09.600 --> 00:22:14.787
I thought it was just a fun person to talk to yeah, she did play therapy when she was.
00:22:14.908 --> 00:22:16.746
you know, when they're young, they start with it.
00:22:16.746 --> 00:22:20.007
It's called play therapy.
00:22:20.980 --> 00:22:21.966
Yeah, greta did too.
00:22:21.966 --> 00:22:24.766
I remember saying something like that and I didn't know if I went to that.
00:22:26.182 --> 00:22:26.483
Yeah.
00:22:26.584 --> 00:22:27.166
Greta did too.
00:22:27.166 --> 00:22:28.604
They had a dollhouse.
00:22:28.604 --> 00:22:29.688
I loved it yeah.
00:22:30.539 --> 00:22:32.644
This is a sandbox.
00:22:32.644 --> 00:22:38.368
That's awesome so, but she did connect with them.
00:22:38.489 --> 00:22:40.683
And, but the lady who did it is.
00:22:40.683 --> 00:22:47.503
There was some parts where she was talking about she's like oh well, my grandma died, so I understand how you feel and I was like, but you don't.
00:22:47.503 --> 00:22:52.562
And you and I was like, but you don't.
00:22:52.562 --> 00:22:56.349
And that's like something like people would try to relate to me and make me feel better, but I was like but you don't understand?
00:22:56.548 --> 00:22:59.114
yeah, it's, it is really hard.
00:22:59.114 --> 00:23:06.093
I mean, um, they understand sadness, it's just they don't understand the same type of sadness.
00:23:06.153 --> 00:23:37.595
You know, and that's why I have so much respect for y'all, and I know what pain I felt, and to know how it's like a thousand million times worse, just like, is mind-boggling to me, because I can't understand how y'all do it do you ever feel like you and I don't mean to sound, you know me, I don't know how to say the right word sometimes, but that you've ever been ever.
00:23:37.615 --> 00:23:49.611
I never have the right words, ever, I know but have you ever felt like forgotten, like like unseen, like maybe we spent so much time, like, especially in the earlier days, that I was so focused on my grief with Alec?
00:23:49.611 --> 00:23:51.083
Did you ever feel like?
00:23:51.083 --> 00:23:54.250
I don't want to say that I ignored you?
00:23:54.269 --> 00:24:00.632
No, I know you didn't, but Um again, I was so young and I've thought about this to myself.
00:24:00.632 --> 00:24:12.325
Um, I always thought, if this happened to me now, I don't think I could live with myself, I don't think like, but I would get over it, I would be able to do it.
00:24:12.325 --> 00:24:18.669
That's why I was always so scared, but I would be able to be okay, and that's something also therapy has taught me.
00:24:18.669 --> 00:24:32.258
But I never saw my mom, in her being depressed, in her not being able to get out of bed, and all of that because it was hidden.
00:24:32.278 --> 00:24:33.400
Mm-hmm.
00:24:33.700 --> 00:24:54.912
From that week of the week after he passed, our house was filled with people and food and family members and toys for people who gave them to me to be, happy and all that, and I tried to make my mom happy when that happened.
00:24:54.912 --> 00:25:13.833
I wrote books about Alec and I wrote them about his stuffed animals and I always tried to make my mom happy but it was hard because she wasn't, and that's pretty much all I really remember about my mom during that time.
00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:37.372
But there was me trying to help her but I didn't know how Well, and it sounds like you did, between your conversations and sleeping next to her and your journals, and just you being so proud of your mom, like it sounds like you two have really learned a lot from each other.
00:25:38.039 --> 00:25:40.870
Well and that's something, too, that I always say is, I never wanted to.
00:25:40.870 --> 00:25:45.850
I still don't ever want to put the burden on her, but you don't.
00:25:45.850 --> 00:25:57.550
I know that's what I'm saying, but yeah, and I know you and I know that, but I never want to put that burden on her to make her feel like she has, to make me happy.
00:25:58.010 --> 00:25:58.432
Mm-hmm.
00:25:58.711 --> 00:26:02.324
You know, yeah, I know moms who can't.
00:26:03.086 --> 00:26:16.043
And for me it's like my mom has found something that brings her like pieces of Alec as she goes and that's the pizza party and letting his memory move on.
00:26:16.043 --> 00:26:21.524
And there's things that make her really mad, like when people like there's something for the pie day.
00:26:21.524 --> 00:26:29.067
Somebody said, um, tea and cakes pizza party, not alex pizza party, and forgetting that and for me I've had to.
00:26:29.067 --> 00:26:32.212
I understand that pain and it's like hard.
00:26:32.212 --> 00:26:36.571
So seeing my mom she still gets mad about things every now and then still makes her upset.
00:26:36.571 --> 00:26:49.712
And there's days where they get really hard and I try to check in on her without, like when it gets close to the day that he passes away or his birthday I say, hey, how are I'm good?
00:26:49.712 --> 00:26:54.300
We dance along the lines of asking and like questions.
00:26:55.362 --> 00:26:56.485
Yeah, yeah.
00:26:56.485 --> 00:26:59.151
What do you like about that pizza day?
00:26:59.151 --> 00:27:00.053
Well, first from your.
00:27:00.053 --> 00:27:04.572
How would you explain it to somebody that hasn't ever been to Alex pizza party?
00:27:07.201 --> 00:27:25.048
It's raising awareness for addiction and my mom doing all that has taught me and this also helps me, because it's always a sensitive topic for me is drugs and vapes and alcohol, and that's something a lot of kids my age do.
00:27:25.884 --> 00:27:26.288
Mm-hmm.
00:27:27.556 --> 00:27:37.310
And a lot of people I know do it, and it's really hard for me to listen to that because I know my brother did it in eighth grade.
00:27:39.177 --> 00:28:12.627
He started and he became an addict and as life went on it made it hard for my mom and eventually it made it hard for everybody around us and ended up killing him so that's a really hard thing for me, um, which is why I really like the pizza party, because I can invite all my friends and all of the people I know and hopefully they can learn about it so they't, so they don't do that to their families.
00:28:12.967 --> 00:28:13.268
Yeah.
00:28:13.989 --> 00:28:18.240
Now, wherever that, and that's what it means to me.
00:28:18.883 --> 00:28:22.019
Yeah, I love that.
00:28:23.175 --> 00:28:26.922
She has a blast out there and all of her friends have so much time.
00:28:27.182 --> 00:28:33.139
Oh, and it's really cool it is I mean it's, you know, and every year you guys have different themes.
00:28:33.139 --> 00:28:34.421
But it's really cool, it is.
00:28:34.421 --> 00:28:36.904
I mean it's, you know, and every year you guys have different themes.
00:28:36.904 --> 00:28:40.230
But it's so kid, you know, kid oriented, and it's educational, but it's uplifting.
00:28:40.230 --> 00:28:49.850
You know everything from just how cute it's all decorated to pictures of Alec and other guys from no Longer Bound and Tea and Cake.
00:28:49.850 --> 00:28:52.666
It's just, it's a beautiful thing.
00:28:53.096 --> 00:29:13.028
We designed it to be a fun time to bring in the middle schoolers, the high schoolers, the college kids, the ones you know that need to be educated at a young age to carry through If I went to a public school and I never heard anything about drugs, vapes, alcohol and I wasn't a good kid.
00:29:14.635 --> 00:29:18.606
Even if you were a good kid, even if I was a good kid, there's a chance that I would.
00:29:18.606 --> 00:29:20.257
Oakville Middle School.
00:29:20.277 --> 00:29:23.264
They have let's not call anybody out.
00:29:23.443 --> 00:29:28.342
No, I'm saying no, I'm saying they have over half the school.
00:29:30.527 --> 00:29:32.431
There's a lot of eighth graders that vape.
00:29:32.551 --> 00:29:33.974
Let's just say that and sixth graders.
00:29:33.974 --> 00:29:44.006
And seventh graders, it's just the entire school and it's just sad because people don't understand and that's a problem for me because, it's.
00:29:44.006 --> 00:29:45.715
It's a gateway.
00:29:45.715 --> 00:29:52.929
I carry that burden with me to think that I can change somebody's future because of what happened to me in the past.
00:29:54.497 --> 00:29:56.023
Yeah, absolutely.
00:29:56.255 --> 00:30:11.760
That's hard for me to carry, because I think if I tell somebody something then it would be oh, maybe they won't do this, and it's just like a way of things and it's like maybe they won't do this, Maybe they won't become an addict.
00:30:17.595 --> 00:30:21.368
Maybe they won't do this, maybe they won't become an addict, maybe they won't well, and that's where we just have to keep going and keep preaching and keep saying it.
00:30:21.368 --> 00:30:25.300
I know, and hopefully one person, even if just one person, learns it and share it with somebody else, that's the ripple effect.
00:30:25.320 --> 00:30:36.882
Yeah yeah, and all you can control is you, and so you know you can share your story and share what you know, and bring your friends and have fun doing it, right.
00:30:37.443 --> 00:30:38.768
Sorry, I just went on a rant.
00:30:38.768 --> 00:30:39.931
No, it's okay.
00:30:39.931 --> 00:30:42.757
I don't know where she gets that from, michelle.
00:30:45.360 --> 00:30:48.903
Well, you are in good company, my love, so I guess gosh my love.
00:30:49.104 --> 00:30:52.869
So I guess, gosh, what else do we need to know?
00:30:52.929 --> 00:31:04.247
Michelle, you're a mom what do you need to know?
00:31:04.247 --> 00:31:05.573
Yeah, I mean you answered the questions.
00:31:05.573 --> 00:31:11.400
I wanted to know what advice maybe that you would give.
00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:15.195
So you gave mom's advice, but what advice would you give kids about how to navigate this?
00:31:15.715 --> 00:31:19.045
How to navigate the grief and your parents' grief almost.
00:31:19.385 --> 00:31:27.100
Yeah, that's hard.
00:31:27.401 --> 00:31:28.183
It is hard.
00:31:28.515 --> 00:31:28.403
Let me try to think of the words Hold on.
00:31:28.403 --> 00:31:28.625
It is hard.
00:31:28.625 --> 00:31:30.368
Let me try to think of the words Hold on.
00:31:30.368 --> 00:31:39.144
There's going to be hard days, but it gets better.
00:31:39.144 --> 00:31:47.467
But don't, I'm not going to say it gets better, because that's a hard promise to keep.
00:31:47.467 --> 00:32:09.537
I think about Alec and everything I do, but knowing things that you can see, like seeing things that remind them of you, seeing things that remind them of you, is like Alec's a brown bird.
00:32:09.798 --> 00:32:25.759
Any single time I see a brown bird, that's what I think yeah and that's helps me yeah, so looking for little things that remind you of your sibling yeah, and then, when you were younger, you would sleep with his bear.
00:32:25.940 --> 00:32:32.610
I would, and it's so hard to explain it hits.
00:32:32.610 --> 00:32:39.409
It's like a huge bubble wrapped in things.
00:32:39.409 --> 00:32:47.921
I always watch TV and stuff to get rid of the emotions, to give my brain a pause.
00:32:47.921 --> 00:32:49.085
That just pushes it back.
00:32:49.085 --> 00:32:58.247
So don't avoid the pain, because your body needs to do it to process it feel the feels, feel the feels that's what your mom says.
00:33:00.862 --> 00:33:05.074
I don't mean to make a joke out of it, but that's, that's that humor part of it.
00:33:05.074 --> 00:33:12.369
Right, it's the humor part that we have to laugh, yeah I joke about it with my friends so bad.
00:33:13.896 --> 00:33:32.541
Well, and that's something else too, that she you know Layla's an actress and she chooses to do comedy because, because it makes me feel make people feel better, Because even in their darkest moments, I always want to make people happy, because I want to remind them that there's always good at the end of the tunnel.
00:33:33.202 --> 00:33:33.564
That's right.
00:33:33.564 --> 00:33:37.158
There's always a silver lining and something else.
00:33:37.158 --> 00:33:38.960
I think that, oh, go ahead.
00:33:39.795 --> 00:33:41.057
And me.
00:33:41.057 --> 00:33:48.604
I've always wanted to have stuff to remind me of Alec, so ever since I was in third grade I've wanted a tattoo.
00:33:52.181 --> 00:33:53.477
We're not getting one today.
00:33:53.477 --> 00:33:56.841
Yeah right, she will need to be 18.
00:33:56.841 --> 00:33:59.200
That's right, but you know whatever.
00:34:01.079 --> 00:34:02.925
Anyways, but that's something.
00:34:02.925 --> 00:34:06.662
When I was in third and fourth grade, I always drew the tattoo I wanted on myself.
00:34:06.662 --> 00:34:14.005
It helped me remind myself of him and know that he's still with me.
00:34:14.005 --> 00:34:19.075
And whenever I went to a camp the summer, he passed and I was so scared to do it.
00:34:19.075 --> 00:34:24.786
It was like a Cirque du Soleil camp, but I was so scared to go on the top of the bar and I was like you know what I'm going to do this?
00:34:24.786 --> 00:34:30.721
Because Alec skateboarded down like mountains Not mountains, but you know.
00:34:30.780 --> 00:34:30.961
Yeah.
00:34:34.494 --> 00:34:47.682
And I was like he would do this in five seconds, so using your siblings, as they're still there and not and not be happy.
00:34:47.682 --> 00:34:47.762
Why?
00:34:47.762 --> 00:34:48.403
How do I?
00:34:48.423 --> 00:34:50.226
say be happy that.
00:34:50.226 --> 00:34:54.034
You say Be happy that you have them, be happy that you had them For as long as you did.
00:34:54.655 --> 00:35:07.670
Yeah, and even though it's really hard to say goodbye and to miss them and to know that you might not see them, at least in this lifetime.
00:35:08.030 --> 00:35:08.490
Mm-hmm.
00:35:08.994 --> 00:35:09.155
It's.
00:35:09.155 --> 00:35:26.456
They want you to be happy because they love you and even if you fight with your siblings and you don't think that they love you, they do yeah all that it's beautiful it is.
00:35:26.597 --> 00:35:40.186
and one last thing, yes, and one last thing that I do want um for kids to know is you can't fix your moms, but you want, you want to, and for the moms, that's the same way.
00:35:40.186 --> 00:35:56.334
We want to fix you and we want you to be good and we don't want you to struggle and hurt and everything and and we can't we can't fix you, you can't us, but we can walk on this journey together and that's where the communication and everything is.
00:35:56.354 --> 00:35:59.684
Yeah, and like you said, layla, you can't run away from it.
00:35:59.684 --> 00:36:02.081
Always right, you have to face it and feel it.
00:36:02.414 --> 00:36:09.547
Don't hide your emotions from your moms, Even if you think if I tell this to them, it's going to make it 10 times worse.
00:36:09.547 --> 00:36:21.055
So if you don't want to talk to your mom, at least talk to another parent or like a school counselor or a teacher, because I promise that there is people who want to help you.
00:36:21.496 --> 00:36:38.586
And if your mom, if you're like I don't want to put this on my mom, I don't want her to know I'm sad, because it'll make her feel worse and feel the pain of losing a kid and a grieving kid, which, first of all, yes, it's hard for them, but they want you to talk to them.
00:36:38.586 --> 00:36:46.164
But if you feel like that because for me it's always like excuses, and if I feel sad sometimes I don't want to bother my mom if she's sad too.
00:36:46.164 --> 00:36:51.639
So I'll either talk to my dad or I'll call a friend.
00:36:51.639 --> 00:36:57.003
So I'll either talk to my dad or I'll call a friend, or you can again like a school counselor, like there is people who want to help.
00:36:57.604 --> 00:36:59.546
Even just writing down your emotions.
00:36:59.546 --> 00:37:01.166
It makes them real and it's scary.
00:37:01.166 --> 00:37:10.322
But if your emotions are scary, it shows that you care and shows that you love them and just know that they are there and they do love you and they still do.
00:37:10.322 --> 00:37:16.867
And just because they're not here physically, they're still here spiritually and they miss you just as much as you miss them.
00:37:18.775 --> 00:37:19.577
Perfectly said.
00:37:19.577 --> 00:37:20.759
Oh my gosh.
00:37:20.759 --> 00:37:39.487
So you talked about, like you like, if you're thinking about Alec what we ask this to a lot of our moms and other guests like if you had to come up with three words to describe your brother that you would maybe want to latch on to, you know some of those characteristics.
00:37:39.487 --> 00:37:40.680
What would they be, you think?
00:37:41.815 --> 00:37:46.606
Badass, cool and funny.
00:37:49.077 --> 00:37:50.974
Well, I think you nailed it girl.
00:37:50.974 --> 00:37:55.550
Well, I think you nailed it, girl.
00:37:55.550 --> 00:38:01.238
You are not related to Amy, to your mom at all.
00:38:01.238 --> 00:38:03.842
That's so good, oh my gosh.
00:38:03.842 --> 00:38:06.746
Well, Layla, thank you for being on.
00:38:06.746 --> 00:38:11.793
We have wanted you to be on here and we're so grateful and love you to pieces.
00:38:12.213 --> 00:38:14.559
Thank you for your openness and honesty.
00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:15.521
Thank you for having me.
00:38:16.242 --> 00:38:20.526
Yes, we'll have you back, that's for sure, and we need to get you and Greta on here, I know.
00:38:20.546 --> 00:38:22.976
We need y'all in there together so y'all can have a conversation.
00:38:23.157 --> 00:38:25.681
Oh my gosh, I love it.
00:38:25.681 --> 00:38:28.005
That was so helpful.
00:38:28.005 --> 00:38:28.767
My gosh.
00:38:29.307 --> 00:38:30.209
All right, well, next time.
00:38:30.275 --> 00:38:31.378
Y'all have a great day.
00:38:31.378 --> 00:38:31.941
Bye.
00:38:32.161 --> 00:38:33.445
Good night, goodbye.