Anonymous: I Would Never Talk to You the Way I Talk to Myself (Part 2 of 2)

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But I've felt, I guess, more confident or more clear in being able to stop myself when it's getting to that.
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Yeah.
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Of saying, oh my gosh, wait, no.
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What is that doing?
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I'm only hurting my own feelings.
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I'm only exhausting my own energy.
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This isn't just you finding you.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Welcome to Wait, Let's Talk About That, a podcast where real people work through real moments live and anonymous.
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I'm Dr.
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Lee Long.
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And I'm Lila Pond.
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And today we're talking about something that sounds noble until you're living it.
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And that would be pouring yourself into everyone in front of you all day.
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And then wondering why there's nothing left over when it's finally your turn.
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Yeah, giving has a way of disguising itself as goodness, right up until it empties us all the way out.
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And somewhere in there, I'm fine, becomes the thing we say instead of the thing we are.
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Oh, that's where the wait method comes in.
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One simple question that creates just enough space to change the whole moment.
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Where am I in this?
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Yes, our guest today is staying anonymous.
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We're going to walk through it together in real time.
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So before you give the last of yourself away again, or just use the famous coined phrase, I'm fine.
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Let's talk about that.
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Just as a reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only.
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This is not therapy and does not create a counselor-client relationship.
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You confirm.
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I confirm.
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Awesome.
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Thank you for coming back.
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Of course.
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We talked about the whole finding yourself in the midst of things.
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Where am I in this?
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Yes.
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And so I'm curious, what's that been like?
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It's been awesome.
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I've actually thought about that phrase a lot.
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Okay.
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I have a lot coming up that is, I don't know if triggering feels too aggressive of a word.
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Okay.
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But it's going to be testing a lot.
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Okay.
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And I've had to, I think for me as somebody that is so others focused and such a helper, I've had to ask myself that question a lot.
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Okay.
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Just in terms of weekly rhythm stuff for me.
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Okay.
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And then with a couple events coming up that I mean, they're still very active wounds, I guess.
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But I think it's a weird paradox of, okay, I've had some time away from this person and everything that happened.
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Am I all the way good?
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No.
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Am I still actively grieving?
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Yes.
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Okay.
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But reminding myself that with this specific person, it's the person I dated.
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But I thought we were headed towards marriage and we're not.
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So to remind myself it's not my job to make that person feel better.
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Oh.
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Which is a big is hard because I'd rather have everybody else around me be okay.
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And I forget about myself a lot.
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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And so just remembering that it's not my job, it's not my responsibility.
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Yeah.
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What am I really able to offer right now?
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And then maybe even more raw or harsh, I don't know, is it's not my job, it's not my responsibility, but they also don't deserve for me to give as much as I did previously.
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Okay.
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And so can I press into that?
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You can.
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From the sounds of it, it still feels like it's others focused.
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Yes.
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Just in what they don't get.
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Yeah.
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So how practically do you feel like if you're like, hey, I need to phone a friend and I'm that friend right here.
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But how do you feel practically like could we flip that script?
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I guess I should say.
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Yeah.
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On you mean like what do I deserve or what can I?
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Uh-huh.
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Okay.
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And rather than I'm not gonna give you this, yes.
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What I would love to shift with that is is what am I going to give me?
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Yes.
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No, I love that.
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Because, and again, it's not to be selfish.
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No, I know, and that's my whole thing with this.
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That's been, I mean, it's been so relevant, truly, but it's been my awkward tension with that.
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Very well said.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Thank you.
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So, how could you give a specific example for that awkward tension?
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Yes.
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I just think it's my, again, innate makeup and nature of and then thinking of putting myself in the other person's shoes.
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I'm a highly sensitive person, whatever that acronym is.
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Uh-huh.
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And I always think about okay, what if the roles were reversed?
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And what would I want to receive as the other person?
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But that's not always helpful because it's also assuming the other person is wired the same way I am and what they would want to receive.
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Because here's the crazy thing.
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Sorry to interrupt.
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Yeah, no, you're fine.
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Here's the crazy thing is that if we want to talk about selfish, yeah.
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It's for us to now, now hang with me, everybody.
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It's for us to try to anticipate other people's needs without ever checking with them.
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So then I'm giving you what I believe you want, and who's that all based on, right?
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It's my assumption of you.
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Right.
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Because you've heard it's not what I think, it's not what you think.
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It's what I think you think of me that matters.
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Yes.
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Amen to all that.
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So I think how I've tried to approach this specific situation coming up, what I'm trying to do.
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Okay.
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Is trying to get to a place where, yes, this person's there, and it's gonna be our first time interacting post our breakup.
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Okay.
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About two months fresh off of that, but how can I still enjoy this for me?
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Okay.
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And it's me trying to think about okay, there's a lot of people here that I know and love that are easy to be around.
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And I'm very social and very interactive, and that is a strength of mine.
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Yeah.
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And also reminding myself that I deserve to be here and I'm wanted here, regardless if by who?
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I mean the people throwing it.
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Okay.
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Throwing this event.
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Okay.
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Can I I'm gonna push here.
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Sure.
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Are you wanted there by you?
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Oof.
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I don't know if I've gone there.
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Because the grief, grief has been really I'm learning a lot about grief right now.
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I think asking myself that question, where am I in this right now?
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Okay.
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I've been shocked a little bit by how much I cannot do and cannot give that is more typical of my capacity.
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Yeah.
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I think I am a very high capacity person.
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Yeah.
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And so it's been very humbling to realize right now I'm not that typical person that's very high capacity.
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And it's led to a lot more.
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I've not been as kind to myself, and I feel like a lot more judgmental, and I wanted to hurry the grief process.
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Sure.
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Judgmental of what?
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Um, gosh, doesn't make me emotional.
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Um, a lot.
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I think just my energy levels, body image, um, I think just typically things and people that would fill me up.
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It's like it doesn't feel like enough.
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Yeah.
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And you know why it doesn't fill you up?
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Yes.
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Why it's not enough is because from what I hear you saying, is you're struggling to believe it.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Is that fair?
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For sure.
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Okay.
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For sure.
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I think grief is wild.
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I'm such a high achiever.
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You know, again, I'm just wanting to be the best for other people.
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I'm like, gosh, I feel like I just keep dropping the ball.
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Listen to what you're saying there.
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The best for who?
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I know.
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I don't, I mean, and nobody has articulated that at all.
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Nobody's even like close friends of mine that know me well, nobody's said, Oh, I don't feel like you're showing up as my friend, or, you know, at work.
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Like nobody's made a single comment at all.
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In fact, it's been the opposite.
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I've actually had a couple of different work things thrown my way that I never thought would happen.
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In a good way or a bad way?
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In a great way.
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Okay, cool.
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In a great way.
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Okay.
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Um, and I feel like in a lot of people just still trusting me and my capacity and my character, which has felt ironic because of how I'm viewing my capacity.
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Yes.
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And again, my faith is so important to me.
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Yeah.
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And I think also not questioning the Lord's character.
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That's never been a struggle in my walk, but just kind of questioning why there's been so much continuous change.
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And it's felt like I haven't had the margin because it's so much over and over again of I'm like, okay, I'm trying to ask myself, like, where am I in this right now?
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But it feels like there's no space for that.
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I don't know if that's just my weekly rhythms.
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My counselor has brought up with grief that sometimes we have to have the grief work through first and kind of get that through first before we can really address like some other things.
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And just in my healing journey and self-growth journey, and really trying to chat tackle sin patterns and just things that I not want to be better, like there's a measuring stick, but I just know would bring about more peace for myself and those I interact with.
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How do you view yourself in the midst of that?
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Like, how do you view yourself in the midst of that grief?
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I feel like I'm becoming a totally different person, honestly.
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Okay.
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Um, and I kind of thought that process was done.
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I mean, I'm 30, which sometimes that feels young and sometimes that feels really old.
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Sure.
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Cause I'm part of a friend group that 90% are married with kids.
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And so that's different.
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And it's, you know, just how you get to hang out with them is bringing the meal for the meal train or the baby shower, the bridal shower.
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And I I truly love all of that.
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Right.
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But but but okay, let's answer the question.
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Why am I in this?
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Exactly.
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And what's the answer?
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The answer is it just feels awkward.
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Okay.
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And I, while I know I'm good at it, do I want to do it all the time?
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No.
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Okay.
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Do I need to probably just call it for some of that and say, gosh, like I'm a public school teacher.
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I can't really financially afford this.
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Okay.
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Or just it would be better for me right now in this week to not go, like send the gift, but not go.
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Or do you feel the freedom to do that?
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I do.
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I mean, I've wonderful community that I know would never assume.
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And they won't then and look to look at where how quickly you go to the community.
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A wonderful community.
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They'll never fill in the box.
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Right?
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Yes.
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But what do you think when you do that?
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I judge myself for that.
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Like, I should be able to.
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Oh.
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Are that selfish?
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Or why is it selfish?
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Because, like, what else better do I really have?
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Like, what else is really filling that time?
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Or what am I else?
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What else am I really doing with that?
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Those finances.
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What's the answer to that?
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I don't know.
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I mean, it's probably a sweet space to take care of myself better, which I don't do.
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Okay.
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Because what it sounds like to me is that this question is really creating, I don't want to call it a crisis, because that's overstating.
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Oh my gosh, no.
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But it's creating some unstability, not in your imminent mental health, but but it's like it's creating a little bit of vibration of oh my gosh, that this is a part of my world I've I've really ignored.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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And so now there's this awareness.
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It's like when you fall asleep on one of your arms.
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Yes.
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And it's it it you lose feeling.
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Totally.
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When you touch it and you're like, oh my gosh, whose hand is that?
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You're like, oh, it's mine.
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Yes.
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And I think why that's there's that vibration, that tension is I feel like unfortunately for me, I've just had a good amount of people be so selfish that just any like nick or taste of selfishness I don't like because it's made me feel because of other people's hyperindependence and selfishness, it's made me feel very uncared for and unseen.
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Okay.
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And I don't want other people to feel that way because of decisions or choices I would make.
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Okay.
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But when you felt uncared for or unseen, where were you in the midst of that?
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Doing way too much for them, and it was still not enough.
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For them.
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Okay.
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Because look at the power that we let go of.
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Yeah.
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When we think I'm doing this for you, and it wasn't something that you specifically requested from me, but I think I'm going to get something from that.
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Yes.
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Does that make sense?
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It does.
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It does.
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No, for sure.
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And I think we talked about this last time, but I have a very hard time with people that have the resources and the ability to gauge in more, to change, help, I guess, and they don't.
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Okay.
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And they're just quote unquote fine or red tell people, oh, it's really good.
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No, no, no, I'm doing really good.
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You'd be like, no, you're not.
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And I'm someone that, as a, I don't know, very hyper-sensing person, would be like, okay, no, like, thanks for saying that.
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And you're doing a really good job trying to convince me that you are, but you're not, you know, and then still them not engaging in those things.
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That's hard for me to witness.
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:04.399
And maybe it's the teacher in me of just kind of I read that on my kids.
00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:06.639
And so I start engaging them in certain things.
00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:09.039
And you know, that's great for a classroom setting.
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:09.360
Yeah.
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:12.080
But maybe not great for an interpersonal setting.
00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:19.600
Even in a classroom setting, we used an example last when we when we met about you have a student who's melting down.
00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:20.000
Yes.
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:22.720
And you only have 30% to give.
00:14:22.960 --> 00:14:23.200
Yes.
00:14:23.440 --> 00:14:26.240
And that you have to evaluate in a nanosecond.
00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:26.639
Yes.
00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:29.600
I only have 30 sec 30 seconds to give.
00:14:29.840 --> 00:14:47.679
And one of the things that I want to make sure that I round out from that example is that I only have 30% to give is like it's blaring in your ear, or or the stress of what that person or that student is bringing to you is like blaring in your ear.
00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:48.159
Yes.
00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:55.519
And it's like, it is as if you are saying to yourself, oh my gosh, this is at a level 10 on the volume.
00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:59.200
It's like maybe it's an 11, although those who you listen to Spinal or watch Spinal Tap.
00:15:00.320 --> 00:15:01.120
It's an 11.
00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:01.279
Yeah.
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:03.600
But it's all the way up and it's in my ear.
00:15:03.679 --> 00:15:05.279
And I don't have the bandwidth for it.
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:09.360
It's like, yes, I don't have the bandwidth for it at a 10 in my ear.
00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:18.000
I have to put the boom box down and basically say, or that huge speaker down and say, okay, I have 30% to give.
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:19.840
I can turn it down just a little bit.
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:20.720
Hey, buddy.
00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:22.159
And this happens in nanoseconds.
00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:22.960
It does, yes.
00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:23.279
Right?
00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:26.960
Because you do, you can't just walk away from a student resolving a meltdown.
00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:27.519
Yes.
00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:34.240
And so if you have somebody in your life who's super struggling, you're saying to them, I don't buy it.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:34.559
Yeah.
00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:36.080
They say, no, no, no, I'm good.
00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:37.600
And you go, yeah, I don't buy it.
00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:38.879
But what does that do to you?
00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:41.600
I mean, it only takes more from me.
00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:49.279
And a phrase I I've used at my, I guess, crisis in that is I feel like a shell.
00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:50.639
And I am not a shell.
00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:54.960
And I'm a very safe, approachable person.
00:15:55.279 --> 00:16:01.519
I've had many people, different types of relationships in my life say, I feel like I could tell you anything.
00:16:01.919 --> 00:16:06.960
And you'd receive it and you'd want, or you'd want to help me, or you wouldn't judge me in that.
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:07.600
And I love that.
00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:16.240
I love that that's essentially the impression I give off, or they feel that level of comfort, you know, or affection from me, and that's great.
00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:20.320
But there is a line and there's a whole analogy that I love.
00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:26.399
I think Renee Brown talked about, or somebody talks about where it's like the man's in the hole and the three people walk by.
00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:30.799
And I'm the person to climb down in the hole and provide the ladder.
00:16:31.440 --> 00:16:33.679
And I love that I have that gift mix.
00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:34.399
That's awesome.
00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:44.960
But if you're not gonna climb up the ladder, I think it's where I have then kept going too much to try to get somebody up the ladder out of the hole.
00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:45.440
Right.
00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:46.879
It's just not my job.
00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:49.200
Because I mean, it couldn't be easier at that point.
00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:53.039
You have a freaking ladder down the hole, like climb up the ladder.
00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:53.519
Right.
00:16:53.759 --> 00:17:19.759
So, but if somebody's not gonna do that, and that's something that I had to practice or really do for the first time in my last dating relationship, was to say, yeah, I'm rolling the ladder up and I'm gone because you're literally not, and I'm not a shell of a person, but you are making me because of what you're walking through, which is totally legitimate, but I can't sacrifice myself anymore.
00:17:20.079 --> 00:17:20.799
That's brilliant.
00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:21.119
Yes.
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:23.200
Because nobody can make us.
00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:23.680
No.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:30.400
Some people say, and this may be a really gruesome example, but some people say, Well, what if they had a gun to your head?
00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:31.920
Like you still have a choice.
00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:32.319
You do.
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:36.079
Now, the choices may not be choices you want, no, but you still have a choice.
00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:36.640
I agree.
00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:38.960
And again, let me say it loud and clear.
00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:40.240
It's not a choice you want.
00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:43.440
And sometimes what we're presented with, it all sucks.
00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:44.160
It does.
00:17:44.319 --> 00:17:44.480
No.
00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:52.240
And I remember in that breakup with him having to get honest with myself to say, you know what, neither of these are gonna feel better.
00:17:52.400 --> 00:17:54.480
If I stay, it's gonna suck.
00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:56.559
If we break up, it's gonna suck.
00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:58.160
It's not about feeling better.
00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:02.640
It's about honoring myself and for me as a believer, being obedient.
00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:16.000
And I've asked the Lord time and time again for a sign, and it is clear as day by my mental, emotional, and physical state, and then a crazy other event that okay, I just need to be obedient in this.
00:18:16.079 --> 00:18:30.799
It's not necessarily about feeling better, but it's about making a decision finally, instead of living in the limbo, instead of worrying so much about the other person, it's just making a decision to say, I draw the line for myself.
00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:31.680
Good, good.
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:32.400
Yes.
00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:36.160
Because you're right, things can take and take and take.
00:18:36.400 --> 00:18:36.640
Yes.
00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:38.640
And that's not for the other person.
00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:39.119
No.
00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:47.039
It it really is to feed our desire to be, it's to feed our desire to be needed.
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:49.119
And I'm not saying that's where you were.
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:50.319
No, no.
00:18:50.559 --> 00:18:56.720
But I'm saying we have to watch for that, especially with the, as you called it and I like it, the gift mix you have.
00:18:57.200 --> 00:18:57.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:00.000
Because then we start doubting everything.
00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:00.880
Oh, for sure.
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:02.799
We start questioning who am I?
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:03.039
Yes.
00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:04.000
Am I lovable?
00:19:04.240 --> 00:19:04.559
Yes.
00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:05.839
Am I attractive?
00:19:06.079 --> 00:19:06.559
Literally.
00:19:06.799 --> 00:19:07.279
Am I?
00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:10.960
And that I think the answer to that has to be in the beginning.
00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:12.480
Do I believe I am?
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:14.400
And that's so difficult.
00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:21.759
Because this fun event that you have, we're going to be looking at it from the perspective of wait, where am I in this?
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:22.480
Yes.
00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:24.480
Do I want to be here?
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:26.880
Do I want to talk to this person?
00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:27.279
Yes.
00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:29.279
Again, not from a selfish standpoint.
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:29.519
No.
00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:31.680
But because I want to, then you have to.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:32.640
That's selfish.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:35.599
But because I want to, I'm willing to put myself out there.
00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:37.359
And if you don't want to, okay.
00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:37.839
Yes.
00:19:38.079 --> 00:19:38.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:38.799 --> 00:19:49.519
Like if if I, Lee, want to be there and I, Lee, want to say, you know, hello to people, I, Lee, should feel free to do that.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:50.160
Yes.
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:59.519
If you others don't want to say hello to me, or if you others don't want to talk to me, you should feel free to have that experience.
00:19:59.759 --> 00:20:03.279
And then I then have to step back and say, now this is the kicker.
00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:06.400
We tend to step back and say, then I'm not wanted.
00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:07.119
Yes.
00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:09.119
Which is a very global statement.
00:20:09.440 --> 00:20:10.240
It is, yes.
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:12.400
But what's the truth of that moment?
00:20:12.559 --> 00:20:16.559
I'm not wanted in that moment in that way.
00:20:16.720 --> 00:20:18.160
I am wanted by me.
00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:20.880
I want to enjoy my own company.
00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:22.960
As silly as that sounds.
00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:26.960
Yeah, no, and I've had to work on that for a couple of years.
00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:29.039
But no, like I am the person.
00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:37.359
I mean, I could have never done this a couple years ago, but I go to a movie by myself, I go to dinner by myself, I'll go and grab a glass of wine by myself.
00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:37.599
Yeah.
00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:38.480
And I'm okay.
00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:39.519
I'm totally okay.
00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:42.160
A couple years ago, I could have never done that.
00:20:42.319 --> 00:20:47.200
And even I had a girl ask me who was recently divorced, my same age last week.
00:20:47.279 --> 00:20:49.200
She was like, How are you able to be here by yourself?
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:50.240
I was like, oof.
00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:52.000
I mean, three years ago, no.
00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:53.119
We now can.
00:20:53.599 --> 00:20:54.880
Why what shifted?
00:20:55.279 --> 00:21:02.000
I think I realized that I could like myself more than I thought.
00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:11.519
And I think through a lot of work, I finally, and it's still, there's still messy, unsmoothed out, sanded down sides of this.
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:13.039
Of course, all of us, yeah.
00:21:13.359 --> 00:21:16.720
That I finally saw myself the way the Lord had created me.
00:21:16.960 --> 00:21:24.720
And I had kind of some pretty deep negative core beliefs about myself that I decided to really engage in.
00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:25.200
Yeah.
00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:32.799
And hash out through an art intensive, which is probably the bravest thing I've ever done that I'm really proud of.
00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:33.279
Yeah.
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:38.240
Somebody asked me a couple months ago, what's what's the thing you're the most proud of?
00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:45.599
And, you know, I'm a college graduate of a private university, have two degrees from there, and I work at one of the best schools in my city.
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:49.279
And I'm sure they would assume me to say any of those things.
00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:59.759
And I said, No, it's my counseling intensive that I did that I had to save up a ton of money for, even reach out to people to help me with that, which is also very humbling.
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:18.559
But I would say that because I feel like it was the biggest gift I could give myself to really engage in, fighting against so many deep lies and just, you know, from a neuropsychology standpoint, like so many deep grooves in my brain that I'd run down for years.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:21.039
I thought it was the biggest gift I could give myself.
00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:31.119
And as somebody that has a desire to be a wife and the mom that I hope to be, it's the biggest gift I could give my future husband and my family is just to see myself rightly unto the Lord.
00:22:31.279 --> 00:22:35.200
So that way, you know, in front of them, I can say, yeah, nope, it's not perfect.
00:22:35.279 --> 00:22:37.519
And those things creep up for sure.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:40.880
But I feel is perfect the standard?
00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:42.079
No, not at all.
00:22:42.319 --> 00:22:43.119
Oh my gosh.
00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:44.079
No, no, no, no, no.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:46.079
Sometimes I want to throw the word perfect out the door.
00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:47.440
I think it's just let's do.
00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:48.160
Yeah.
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:50.880
Honestly, I think it's so dumb.
00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:53.440
What word would you replace it with?
00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:56.640
I would say reconciled.
00:22:56.880 --> 00:22:57.759
I love that.
00:22:57.920 --> 00:22:59.279
I would say reconciled.
00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:00.000
I love that.
00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:06.480
Reconciled to the woman that the Lord designed me to be.
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:16.319
That is in her flesh trying to live in accordance to what he's called me to in every area of my life.
00:23:17.119 --> 00:23:19.279
Stumbling along the way for sure.
00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:19.839
Okay.
00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:26.240
But knowing that what John 10 10 says, that he came to give life and give life abundantly.
00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:30.880
And I want to engage in that and I want to do that trusting him every step of the way.
00:23:31.279 --> 00:23:34.400
I think that is right.
00:23:34.799 --> 00:23:35.519
Thank you.
00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:58.480
I think that when we understand whose image we're made in, when we understand the value of who we are, when we understand the gifts that we've truly been given, to overlook that, to cast it aside is like being given a diamond in the rough.
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:00.559
The diamond needs still to be buffed out.
00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:01.200
For sure.
00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:02.000
We all do.
00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:05.839
Because it's that reconciliation process to use your word.
00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:06.240
Yeah.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:08.880
I would have said completion or completing.
00:24:09.599 --> 00:24:11.039
Reconciliation, I like that better.
00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:11.759
Thank you.
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:14.799
It's that process of being formed.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:15.759
Yes.
00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:19.759
There's nothing in that that makes us bad.
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:20.319
No.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:26.480
Therefore, the judgment that we walk through when we say, is my body good enough?
00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:29.920
It's like, well, do I love what I've been given?
00:24:30.160 --> 00:24:30.559
Yes.
00:24:30.799 --> 00:24:41.039
Now, is there a space for us to say, yeah, I would feel more comfortable if I were to go through this, or if I were to have a bigger bicep?
00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:43.519
Or, okay, but why do I want a bigger bicep?
00:24:43.599 --> 00:24:43.839
Exactly.
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:46.160
Because I want somebody else to comment.
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:46.640
Yes.
00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:49.680
Or is it truly, now this is going to sound a little strange.
00:24:49.920 --> 00:24:51.920
Is it truly for my own enjoyment?
00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:54.079
Yeah, no, I would, I think it's an amazing thing.
00:24:54.319 --> 00:24:59.680
Meaning it's a functional piece of like, no, I want to be able to lift things when something needs to be moved.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:01.359
I don't want to have to struggle, right?
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:04.799
And and it's something to observe as healthy.
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:05.519
Yes.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:08.559
Not earning attraction from others.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:09.759
Does that make sense?
00:25:09.920 --> 00:25:10.880
Oh, it totally does.
00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:19.279
And that's a place that I think, you know, as you go about your event, that it's I belong.
00:25:20.079 --> 00:25:21.200
I am worthy.
00:25:21.359 --> 00:25:21.759
Why?
00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:28.720
Because my values, my relationship with my God, my values say that I'm worthy.
00:25:28.960 --> 00:25:29.359
Yes.
00:25:29.599 --> 00:25:30.799
I believe that I'm worthy.
00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:32.400
See, we miss that step.
00:25:32.799 --> 00:25:38.240
We take what our values from your standpoint, you have this beautiful, strong relationship with your Lord.
00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:42.079
And we take for granted or we overlook ourselves.
00:25:42.720 --> 00:25:45.200
We fail to see, wait, where am I in that?
00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:45.519
Yeah.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:48.960
We go straight from our values, straight to others, like that.
00:25:49.119 --> 00:25:49.759
Yes.
00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.640
And it has to come back to us and say, wait, do I believe that I'm worthy?
00:25:54.880 --> 00:25:55.119
Okay.
00:25:55.279 --> 00:25:59.599
If my bicep isn't as big as I wish it were, and why do I wish it were?
00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:03.200
Oh, because I want it to attract people to me.
00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:10.960
Therefore, I'm trying to get the environment to do something that and look, is that holistically bad and wrong?
00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:11.759
No.
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:14.480
But where am I in that?
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:14.880
Right.
00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:22.480
And can I be honest with myself that I'm really pulling for that bicep because I want to be pleasing?
00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:25.119
Again, remember, it's not what I think, it's not what you think.
00:26:25.200 --> 00:26:26.720
It's what I think you think about me.
00:26:26.880 --> 00:26:27.039
Right.
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:32.000
And I know that takes, I'm not saying it's taking you, but it does take a long time to think through.
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:35.279
Wait, I think you think then what I think you think of me.
00:26:35.440 --> 00:26:35.839
Yes.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:36.240
Right?
00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:39.599
Because it is this mixy topsy turvy type thing.
00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.720
And it's funny, when I think about other people, I don't go through that whole thing with them.
00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:49.839
Like I just take them in, and I, for me, once you're my people, you're my people.
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:53.279
So I basically will love almost everything that you do.
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:53.839
Right.
00:26:54.079 --> 00:26:59.119
Unless it's just glaringly morally wrong.
00:26:59.200 --> 00:26:59.359
Right.
00:26:59.519 --> 00:27:04.079
Or I feel like not in accordance to who I feel like you are.
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:10.079
I mean, I will very rarely call anything out in someone because I just love people.
00:27:10.160 --> 00:27:12.480
I'm like, oh my gosh, I think everything you do is awesome.
00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:14.319
But is that loving people?
00:27:14.559 --> 00:27:16.160
I mean, not all the time, no.
00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:17.039
It's not.
00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:18.000
It's not.
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:25.279
But I realized through something early on in my counseling process was how positively and graciously I talked with other people.
00:27:25.839 --> 00:27:38.880
And then my counselors, one of the first times I like broke down in counseling, she was like, I hear you talk about other people that have done some really bad things to you, by the way, very graciously with a lot of forgiveness.
00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:42.240
And you always talked about positive things about them first.
00:27:42.400 --> 00:27:47.519
But she's like, if I had a guess, your inner voice about yourself is pretty negative.
00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:50.799
And I just, it hit me like a freight train.
00:27:50.880 --> 00:27:51.039
Yeah.
00:27:51.279 --> 00:27:53.839
And I just started to think, I was like, Wait, you know what is?
00:27:54.319 --> 00:27:56.480
It's really loud and it's really negative.
00:27:56.559 --> 00:28:00.000
And I do not talk about myself when I talk about other people at all.
00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:06.079
Like I think people would be shocked, beyond belief, to hear what my inner voice would say about myself versus how I talked about them.
00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:10.559
And in some cases, it should be like radically reversed because some people have been horrible.
00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:11.200
Right.
00:28:11.359 --> 00:28:12.319
But I I don't know.
00:28:12.480 --> 00:28:13.599
That's again as a believer.
00:28:13.680 --> 00:28:16.960
I would say it's the Holy Spirit, because I guess that it's reversed that way.
00:28:17.119 --> 00:28:18.240
But let me ask you something.
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:18.880
Yeah.
00:28:19.200 --> 00:28:25.279
Where are you in that positive talk towards someone who has been harmful to you?
00:28:25.440 --> 00:28:26.079
Yeah.
00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:27.119
I don't know.
00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:28.880
Okay, let's let's look for her.
00:28:29.119 --> 00:28:30.400
Because this is super important.
00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:31.440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:28:31.680 --> 00:28:35.680
Because you're saying that I talk to myself like trash.
00:28:35.839 --> 00:28:36.160
Yeah.
00:28:36.319 --> 00:28:37.039
Maybe not all the time.
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:37.680
No, no, no.
00:28:37.759 --> 00:28:39.119
It's gotten better for sure.
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:40.079
I would imagine.
00:28:40.319 --> 00:28:43.279
But before you saw it, it's like, wait a minute.
00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:47.279
Why do I talk to myself in a way that I won't talk to other people?
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:47.839
Yes.
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:52.160
So where am I in pumping you up when I'm tearing me down?
00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:52.880
Yes.
00:28:53.119 --> 00:28:54.079
So where am I?
00:28:54.240 --> 00:28:54.720
Yes.
00:28:54.960 --> 00:29:13.359
I think I've always said it's felt quote unquote easier to fix and criticize myself and judge myself than really be honest to other people about what has been hurtful or harmful in their actions or words because I've wanted something so bad.
00:29:13.519 --> 00:29:17.200
I've not been honest enough with myself to say, I just don't like that person.
00:29:17.440 --> 00:29:18.720
They're not a good fit for me.
00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:20.240
They don't bring out the best in me.
00:29:20.400 --> 00:29:23.920
Whether that's a friendship, a dating situation, a professional thing.
00:29:24.079 --> 00:29:24.400
Yeah.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:31.599
I think it's felt, even though I can ream myself to bits and pieces, like, oh no, I want to do this somebody else.
00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:33.599
But then why am I doing that to me though?
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:35.119
That doesn't make any sense.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:38.400
So like I'm worthy of being ripped to shreds.
00:29:38.640 --> 00:29:39.119
Come on.
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:40.160
But they're not.
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:46.480
And like not that I don't like to play that game, but it's well, but let's leave them off and let's stay on you.
00:29:46.799 --> 00:29:48.079
Am I really worthy of that?
00:29:48.319 --> 00:29:49.839
Yeah, no, absolutely not.
00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:50.400
Okay.
00:29:50.720 --> 00:29:51.119
Yes.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:52.559
So where are you in that?
00:29:52.799 --> 00:29:53.039
Yeah.
00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:54.559
It just became my default.
00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:54.880
Right.
00:29:55.279 --> 00:29:56.400
It's really hard to change that.
00:29:56.640 --> 00:29:58.160
So you know what I hear you saying, Thie?
00:29:58.640 --> 00:30:00.319
Is you're beginning to find you.
00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:00.880
Yes.
00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:02.160
You're beginning to see.
00:30:02.319 --> 00:30:04.559
Wait a minute, why won't I ream you?
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:05.519
But I'll ream me.
00:30:05.599 --> 00:30:05.839
Yes.
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:09.039
And you're the one who warranted the reaming.
00:30:09.119 --> 00:30:13.839
But I will ream myself when I didn't necessarily warrant a ream.
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:14.400
I know.
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:17.200
And I don't know really what that comes from.
00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:24.880
But I've felt, I guess, more confident or more clear in being able to stop myself when it's getting to that.
00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:25.279
Yeah.
00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:27.519
Of saying, oh my gosh, wait, no.
00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:28.559
What is that doing?
00:30:28.640 --> 00:30:30.400
I'm only hurting my own feelings.
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:32.240
I'm only exhausting my own energy.
00:30:32.480 --> 00:30:33.279
This isn't doing it.
00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:34.640
That's you finding you.
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:35.279
Yes.
00:30:35.839 --> 00:30:36.480
Yes.
00:30:36.799 --> 00:30:37.279
Yes.
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:39.039
It's just not doing anything.
00:30:39.279 --> 00:30:41.440
And it's certainly not productive.
00:30:41.599 --> 00:30:41.920
No.
00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:44.400
Because at the end of it, do you feel better?
00:30:44.559 --> 00:30:46.400
Do you feel no, not at all?
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:50.079
It's like just a weird routine you go through.
00:30:50.160 --> 00:30:51.039
It feels comfortable.
00:30:51.200 --> 00:31:02.880
I mean, analogy I always love in that is you've driven the same way to work for eight years, and somebody tells you, oh, if you turn left, by the way, up here you'll save three minutes, but you don't because you do what you know.
00:31:03.039 --> 00:31:03.359
Right.
00:31:03.599 --> 00:31:06.720
Versus logically turn left, save three minutes.
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:07.359
Like, great.
00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:11.440
Now you can not stress barking your car or take a sip of coffee before you walk in.
00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:12.640
Like, that's awesome.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:17.440
But you don't do it because it's it's a weird lie that your brain believes.
00:31:17.519 --> 00:31:18.240
Oh, no, no, no.
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:18.960
Like keep doing this.
00:31:19.039 --> 00:31:20.400
That's what you're comfortable in.
00:31:20.640 --> 00:31:30.640
And I would submit that we lose ourselves in those themes, meaning, do I want comfort or do I want three minutes?
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:31.359
Totally.
00:31:31.599 --> 00:31:35.599
Because for some people, they would say, no, no, I'll give three minutes for the comfort of the same.
00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:39.039
But there's others who would say, Do I deserve those three minutes?
00:31:39.519 --> 00:31:40.880
Can I take those three minutes?
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:41.279
Right.
00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:41.680
Right.
00:31:41.839 --> 00:31:43.200
Is that okay for me to do that?
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:43.599
Yes.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:44.880
It's like we need permission.
00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:54.240
But if once we start to see ourselves, once you begin to see yourself, what happens is you start thinking, wait a minute, that's not okay to talk to myself that way.
00:31:54.400 --> 00:31:54.559
Right.
00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:57.039
If I won't talk to you that way, why will I talk to me that way?
00:31:57.200 --> 00:31:57.359
Yes.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:31:58.480
You're discovering you.
00:31:58.640 --> 00:31:58.960
Yes.
00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:03.279
Once you start discovering, wait a minute, wait, where am I?
00:32:03.440 --> 00:32:07.279
I don't think I deserve for me to talk to me that way.
00:32:07.519 --> 00:32:10.960
Wait, I think I need to tell you, hey, that kind of hurt my feelings.
00:32:11.119 --> 00:32:11.599
Oh yeah.
00:32:11.839 --> 00:32:13.359
I kind of feel overlooked.
00:32:13.599 --> 00:32:14.160
Totally.
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:14.799
Oh yeah.
00:32:14.960 --> 00:32:21.039
Or I mean, again, in my breakup that I went through two months ago, it's like, there's no way I make it a couple weeks more of this.
00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:22.079
There's no way.
00:32:22.240 --> 00:32:31.680
And an old version of me would have endured it to the bitter end of sacrificing a lot of myself physically, mentally, probably ending up on medication.
00:32:31.839 --> 00:32:32.640
Like honestly.
00:32:33.599 --> 00:32:37.759
So I remember having to be honest with myself and honest with the guy I was dating.
00:32:37.839 --> 00:32:41.200
And I had to say, like, no, I will not make it anymore.
00:32:41.279 --> 00:32:46.319
And I am not gonna put myself through this just for the sake of putting myself through it.
00:32:46.559 --> 00:32:48.319
Say, oh yeah, like I made it.
00:32:48.559 --> 00:32:48.880
Why?
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:51.039
Yeah, there's no metal at the end of that response.
00:32:51.279 --> 00:32:51.599
There's not.
00:32:51.680 --> 00:32:53.279
So I'm like, what's what am I doing?
00:32:53.440 --> 00:32:54.240
Like, nope.
00:32:54.400 --> 00:32:54.720
Yeah.
00:32:55.119 --> 00:33:06.160
And just thinking back to I read something the other day that talked about how somebody said, I'm so glad the Bible doesn't hide people's failures and people's struggles.
00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:08.640
I'm really glad it's so open about that.
00:33:08.720 --> 00:33:13.519
And that it's truly so radical and such a miracle, the Lord still used them.
00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:18.160
I was like, gosh, like I so feel that and I so relate to that.
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:20.880
Because it's not about perfection.
00:33:21.279 --> 00:33:21.920
Not at all.
00:33:22.160 --> 00:33:26.960
It's all about just, I mean, really, it's cheesy, but like the journey.
00:33:27.119 --> 00:33:38.559
I mean, whether it was graduating college or, you know, my master's degree or just different things in my life, when I think about those actual days, those things happened, were they the best?
00:33:38.799 --> 00:33:39.119
No.
00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:44.319
Like there were so many better, more sweet, more formative things leading up to that.
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:44.799
Yeah.
00:33:45.039 --> 00:33:46.799
Than actually getting that.
00:33:46.960 --> 00:33:59.680
And when I think about Jesus and his life on earth, and I know the chosen is like an interpretation, but I think it does such a good job of just illustrating like so many of the in-between moments for him in his three years of ministry here on earth.
00:33:59.839 --> 00:34:11.599
That conversation or that thing, like like, well, like the Mars, that's so much more relatable or formative than those like key markers of you know, the gospels that we know of things that he did, which are great.
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:21.199
But I think it's what makes him such a relational and personal God is like, is those things and is those in-betweens and those conversations.
00:34:21.360 --> 00:34:26.320
And I think about that for myself and my own journey of self-discovery and healing.
00:34:26.400 --> 00:34:37.679
Like it really has been those more surprising, small idiosyncrasies, like different things that have been way more formative than like actually arriving at, you know.
00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:40.719
You're reminding me of I've run a few marathons.
00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:41.199
Yes.
00:34:41.360 --> 00:34:46.159
And my first marathon, I ran it because I'd run a bunch of half marathons.
00:34:46.320 --> 00:34:47.840
So I ran it in two halves.
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:49.039
Thought, oh, I can do this.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:50.159
I've done a bunch of halves.
00:34:50.320 --> 00:34:52.239
So the I got to the halfway mark.
00:34:52.639 --> 00:34:55.119
I thought, wait, I need to, I gotta do this again.
00:34:55.280 --> 00:34:57.760
And I just kept thinking, get to the finish line.
00:34:57.920 --> 00:34:58.159
Yes.
00:34:58.400 --> 00:34:59.199
Get to the finish line.
00:34:59.360 --> 00:35:01.360
The good is coming at the finish line.
00:35:01.519 --> 00:35:02.000
Yes.
00:35:02.239 --> 00:35:05.679
Let me just tell you, when I got to that finish line, I was so mad.
00:35:05.920 --> 00:35:06.239
Yeah.
00:35:06.559 --> 00:35:11.599
Because when the person handed me the medal, and it my first marathon was the New York marathon.
00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:12.639
Oh, it's that one of the majors.
00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:13.760
It's a big deal.
00:35:14.079 --> 00:35:14.239
Yeah.
00:35:14.400 --> 00:35:14.559
Yeah.
00:35:14.719 --> 00:35:20.480
And so I get there, I looked, I'm like, this is all I get for all of that that I just went through.
00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:21.119
Yes.
00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:22.400
Because where was I?
00:35:22.559 --> 00:35:23.679
I wasn't on the course.
00:35:23.840 --> 00:35:24.000
No.
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:25.519
I was at the finish line.
00:35:26.559 --> 00:35:27.039
Totally.
00:35:27.280 --> 00:35:31.199
My second marathon I ran was in Missoula, Montana.
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:32.719
Real tiny town.
00:35:32.800 --> 00:35:33.199
Yeah.
00:35:33.440 --> 00:35:36.079
That I believe they filmed a river runs through it in that town.
00:35:36.239 --> 00:35:36.480
Oh my.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:37.760
Gorgeous.
00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:39.280
The course was amazing.
00:35:39.360 --> 00:35:40.400
It was a point-to-point.
00:35:40.480 --> 00:35:49.519
I get out and I said to my coach, who is still my coach, um, 15, 16 years later, I said to him, I said, we're gonna take this a mile at a time.
00:35:49.679 --> 00:35:51.360
And the start gun goes off.
00:35:51.920 --> 00:35:54.559
And I said, I'm gonna be present for everything.
00:35:54.719 --> 00:35:55.039
Yes.
00:35:55.360 --> 00:35:57.920
I looked at mile one and I said, All right, mile one, here we come.
00:35:58.000 --> 00:35:58.239
Uh-huh.
00:35:58.400 --> 00:35:59.199
In my head, I was saying this.
00:35:59.360 --> 00:35:59.840
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:00.880
And I'm running along.
00:36:01.039 --> 00:36:04.239
I get to the mile two marker, and I was like, Thank you, mile one.
00:36:04.400 --> 00:36:06.000
Can't wait to see what you have for me, mile two.
00:36:06.239 --> 00:36:06.559
Yes.
00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:12.320
By the time I got to the finish line, it was the emotional experience everybody said it would have been.
00:36:12.559 --> 00:36:18.239
Because I knew where I was on that course at all times.
00:36:18.400 --> 00:36:19.599
And that's what you're talking about.
00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:20.960
Yes, it is my opinion.
00:36:21.280 --> 00:36:25.119
It is that place of us knowing where we are in the moment.
00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:30.400
In the Bible, James says, consider it pure joy when you encounter trials of all kinds.
00:36:30.559 --> 00:36:30.880
Okay.
00:36:31.039 --> 00:36:33.599
And people say, well, that's for after the trial.
00:36:33.679 --> 00:36:34.800
I believe it's during.
00:36:34.960 --> 00:36:35.519
I agree.
00:36:35.679 --> 00:36:39.199
Now, I don't think that that means we need to become masochistic.
00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:40.239
Positive pennies.
00:36:41.119 --> 00:36:42.960
Where everything that's painful we love.
00:36:43.119 --> 00:36:43.760
Yeah, no.
00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:52.480
I think it's a place of us looking for where am I in this, making sure that I know that I'm rooted and grounded.
00:36:52.639 --> 00:36:52.960
Yes.
00:36:53.199 --> 00:36:56.559
That I understand where it is the next step that I'm gonna take.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:36:57.119
Yes.
00:36:57.440 --> 00:37:04.960
So when you go to this event that you have coming up, that it is I'm not here to make everybody else feel good.
00:37:05.119 --> 00:37:11.119
I am here to enjoy what has been set forth before me to enjoy.
00:37:11.280 --> 00:37:11.760
Yes.
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:19.280
Now, through my enjoyment, others hopefully will enjoy what I offer, what I have to give.
00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:24.960
But I'm not doing this because I think you need X, Y, and R.
00:37:25.519 --> 00:37:26.239
Not selfishly.
00:37:26.400 --> 00:37:27.199
No, no, no, no.
00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:28.320
Self-care.
00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:29.119
Yes.
00:37:29.440 --> 00:37:31.119
I am excited for you.
00:37:31.360 --> 00:37:32.559
Oh, thank you.
00:37:32.880 --> 00:37:41.280
Because I hear the transformation where the critic is being silenced, where you are becoming more present with you.
00:37:41.440 --> 00:37:48.000
And the enjoyment, the deep sense of enjoyment you want to offer others that you're beginning to offer it to you.
00:37:48.239 --> 00:37:48.800
Yes.
00:37:49.039 --> 00:37:54.719
And as you begin to enjoy you, because when I was thinking about this, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm excited.
00:37:54.800 --> 00:37:55.679
I think she's so awesome.
00:37:55.920 --> 00:37:56.880
Oh, I think yeah.
00:37:57.039 --> 00:37:58.800
And I was thinking, and I think I'm awesome.
00:37:58.960 --> 00:38:00.800
And I think we get to be awesome together.
00:38:00.960 --> 00:38:01.920
Together, yes.
00:38:02.159 --> 00:38:05.440
No, that's not an intended to be an arrogant story.
00:38:05.679 --> 00:38:05.920
No, no.
00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:09.199
It's intended to say, I enjoy being in my own head.
00:38:09.360 --> 00:38:10.400
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:10.559 --> 00:38:12.079
I enjoy hearing from you.
00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:12.639
Yes.
00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:15.199
And we get to enjoy being together.
00:38:15.519 --> 00:38:19.760
And that's, I believe, how we were created and intended.
00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:20.880
I totally agree.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.599
I mean, I think about John the Baptist and Jesus.
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:25.280
I think that was their whole relationship.
00:38:25.440 --> 00:38:31.360
I mean, I think John knew, and he said it very clearly in the book of John, I am not the Messiah.
00:38:31.519 --> 00:38:32.320
I'm not at all.
00:38:32.480 --> 00:38:33.599
He knew he had a purpose.
00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:35.039
He knew he was a vessel.
00:38:35.199 --> 00:38:38.000
But he was like, nope, it's my cousin Jesus.
00:38:38.159 --> 00:38:38.800
Like, it's him.
00:38:38.960 --> 00:38:39.599
Y'all wait.
00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:40.960
Like, you think I'm awesome.
00:38:41.039 --> 00:38:42.079
You know, wait for him.
00:38:42.400 --> 00:38:44.639
But he didn't, it didn't diminish, diminish.
00:38:44.880 --> 00:38:45.440
That's exactly what he's doing.
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:46.159
You know what I mean?
00:38:46.239 --> 00:38:48.320
His ministry didn't diminish him as a person.
00:38:48.559 --> 00:38:48.880
At all.
00:38:49.039 --> 00:38:49.280
No.
00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:52.400
And Jesus didn't do that when he came and baptized him.
00:38:52.480 --> 00:38:53.599
That didn't happen at all.
00:38:53.760 --> 00:38:55.679
It was a very equal playing field.
00:38:55.840 --> 00:38:59.199
And I think that's such a sweet biblical picture for us.
00:38:59.519 --> 00:38:59.760
Totally.
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:00.480
For each other.
00:39:00.719 --> 00:39:01.199
Love that.
00:39:01.440 --> 00:39:01.840
Thank you.
00:39:02.000 --> 00:39:03.199
Thank you so much for being here.
00:39:03.360 --> 00:39:04.320
Oh my gosh, I loved it.
00:39:04.480 --> 00:39:05.280
Thank you.
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:08.800
That's our time for today.
00:39:09.039 --> 00:39:16.079
Thank you to our guest for the courage to do this out loud, anonymously, but honestly.
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:22.159
Yes, if something here landed, sit with the question that started us off.
00:39:22.639 --> 00:39:24.800
Where am I in this?
00:39:25.199 --> 00:39:32.079
Not who needs me, not what's left on the list, just where you are.
00:39:32.639 --> 00:39:37.440
So you can pour from something instead of from empty.
00:39:37.679 --> 00:39:38.960
This has been Wait.
00:39:39.199 --> 00:39:41.199
Let's talk about that with Dr.
00:39:41.360 --> 00:39:42.320
Lee Long.
00:39:42.559 --> 00:39:44.159
And Lila Pond.
00:39:44.400 --> 00:39:47.360
Take care of yourself and take care of your people.